#470 - Old Man Bum, A Dream A Dream of Beef and Lust: 12 Bodies That Changed My Life

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If I want your opinion, I'll ask for it, John snarled at Ellis as he slammed his dressing room door. It was the first night of the tour and tensions were already running high.

Ellis had a point, though. It was a little late in the day for John to reveal that he'd arranged sponsorship from Canon printers.

He's going to do the whole show dressed as a giant ink cartridge.

John?

Ellis knocked at the door. What if we say that all our notes are printed using cannon, and you can dress up and do your dance in the interval?

There was no reply, just the sound of a dressing room door being locked. Ellis went to the green room for crisis talks with Dave.

The truth was, it wasn't about the costume, or the song and dance routine. They knew that.
And it wasn't about the two Edamami beans Ellis had dropped on the tour van floor. That wasn't.

Nor was it really about the fact their driver Giles hadn't let John stop at both Reading and Membury to complete the M4 in his ice by book of service stations?

It was about the travel lodge.

When Ellis, John and Dave and Giles had checked in, the receptionist had allocated them two doubles and two family rooms.

Though the same size, the family rooms came with two additional single beds, a trouser press and double the amount of tea bags, sugar and UHT milk. And that meant one thing.

bragging rights at the breakfast buffet.

It all came down to the toss of a coin and John had tails.

Her Majesty's face glimmered with cruel disdain as it condemned him to a night in an inferior room. At breakfast things reached boiling point.

Dave and Ellis had pressed their trousers for a laugh and had made badges that said press gang pals.

John saw a handful of instant coffee sachets in the pocket of Dave's combat trousers.

It didn't help that the corn sausages had to be cooked specially, so as everyone tucked into their breakfast showing photos of the forts they'd made with the extra pillows, John's beans went cold as he waited for the veggie option to arrive.

Dave took the initiative.

What's up, champ?

Nothing.

Is it the rooms? No, I don't care. I've got loads of room.
They actually gave me a secret suite that no one knows about for if the Prime Minister comes.

Every hotel has to have one, and if you say a code word at reception, you get it, and it's got a jacuzzi and bulletproof windows and a bigger kettle.

Dave threw a knowing look to Ellis, who was about to speak. Do they really? Wow, what else has it got? I can't tell you because it's a secret.
Does it have a fridge? It's got two.

One's for Coke and Dr. Pepper and the others for snacks and they're all free.
Dave nodded at Ellis. Oh wow, John, Ellis said.
That's cool.

My room had none of that, just a crummy old trouser press and a single bed.

I thought they had two single beds and a double, said John, perking up. Oh no, mine had just had one and it was too soft to sleep on or build anything out of and the shower gel was empty.

Hey John, Dave chimed in. What services do you want to tick off today?

Strengtham and Michael Wood.

Shall ask Giles if we can stop at both. They're too close, John said, and I want to go to Gloucester and that's in the middle.
Well, we can't go to all three, can we?

But Would you like me to have a word with Giles and see if maybe we stop at the one of the main services and fill up with petrol in the garage at the other? Would that count to tick off?

Yes.

Okay, which one would you like to fill up at?

Strengtham.

Okay, well, I can't promise, but I'll ask. Just make sure you're ready to go at 10:30 on the dot.

John smiled. Thanks, Dave.

And with that, they all held hands. Corn sausages arrived, and they said their tour motto out loud:

We are friends, we make memes,

we tell someone if we're feeling glum. No matter where we go to sleep, our friends and memes are ours to keep.

I thought you said we are friends and we make memes. Yeah, I heard you say that.
We make mems. Yeah, I got it.
We make mem. I got it.
Yeah. So there you go.

I tell you one thing, though. It's nice to keep.

It's nice to keep John's spirits up on the tour. tournament.
I think we're doing a good job of that.

I love the way you refer to him as champ every 10 minutes.

And then you always know when it's silent time. Yeah, yeah.
Yes. Because the tour bus has to have an awful lot of silence.
And Giles knows that, and it's fine. It's good.
Because we're making memes.

Well, there's a lot of

tongue-in-cheek prodding it yourself there, John. But actually.
None of that, really. Actually, it's been a very

positive, happy start, I feel. Yes, I had two naps.
Yeah. Two naps in two dressing rooms.
Can't complain. Amazed you can do that.
You cannot complain about that. But they're really tiny little sofas.

So where are you sleeping? On the floor? Once on the floor, once on the sofa. Eye covers, earplugs, soothing thoughts.

Yeah, there was one time I just heard the tinkling of the piano out of Ellis's dressing room, which was. Yeah, Ellis is practicing his piano.

It was nice. That made me feel like Elton Chon of having a piano in the dressing room.
Sounded exactly like it. Yeah, thank you.

But how are you john good well that's all that's all my

i mean i know exactly i mean um i was in france yes yes has been to france of course holiday with my family and oh bord de la mer or a la montagne yeah and my sis answer the question both you were both by the sea and in the mountains we stayed uh on euro camp with my sister and brother-in-law and their kids what's euro camp it's a sort of campsite it's a brand actually sorry like centre parks no with tents tents tents but also like little sort of lodges I suppose you'd call them did you stay in a lodge static caravan talks you through the facilities um it the kids loved it there's entertainment I learnt enough I got some great ideas for the show uh rather than what we're doing I think what we should be doing is getting two vociferous French parents up on stage and making them get dressed in as many clothes as they can in 90 seconds.

Oh, that's very friendly. Good stuff.
It's continental humour. Yeah, it is.
It's Mr. Bean.
It's Mr. Bean, or you split the children into two halves,

split the room down the middle, and then they've all got to get one half's got to get lots of green things in three minutes, and the other half's got to get lots of blue things, and then they count.

Easier to get green things.

Yes.

There's very little blue in the natural world. Yeah, true, but there were handbags.
Okay.

Wallets, pairs of trousers, all sorts of things being checked on stage. It was very anarchic.

Is this the type of place where you could whack your kid in there for the day and actually have a day to yourself? No, it's largely swimming pool-orientated in the day.

So hang on, it's a camping site, but you got a swimming pool. Yeah.
You're staying in a lodge. Yeah, yeah.
So you can either camp or stay in a lodge or stay in your own camp of that.

So talk me through the lodge. What condiments have you got? What's the tea and coffee making facilities? What's the bed facilities like?

None of that stuff. No beds.

No tea or coffee making facilities.

It was a double bed and two single beds. We were in an army camp.

And then for the final bit, we went to near Bordeaux and then we stayed.

We did that thing we did last year where we stayed in someone's house and they cook for you and you have very intense conversations. What's wrong with you? Why don't you just get a really nice hotel?

But it was so rich. He loved it.

It's not about the money, John. It's about the community.
You're staying in someone else's house like Rory Stewart trying to get elected for mayor.

Just stay in a hotel, you

idiot.

He loves it.

You love it. You end up.
I've

grown to accept it. Yeah.
Why?

I live in such a bad life. No, I think this is really nice.
It's not bad. Stay on a yacht.

Yeah, but you're going to get idiots on yachts, John. You're going to get

the only people on the yacht. But then you're not getting to mix with French people.

No offense to the French. So we meant

holiday. Do you want to be with strangers? Actually, we, yeah, we got to know

Michaela and Gunter, who were two Germans. So we had a big meal with them and we had breakfast with them.
And we got to, and

the couple who

run the chateau were very, very nice. Okay, chateau.
Now we're talking. Yeah, yeah, but then they cook for you and it's it's and so then you have these intense conversations.

So you're staying in a chateau. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, the second one was, yeah. You're not in someone's box room.

No, it's not like

waiting, queuing up for the shower in the morning. Because I do picture race across the world at first.
Yeah, no, it's a sort of, it's a peculiar French tradition. Right.

As is the peculiar French tradition of it being absolutely impossible to eat after 2 p.m.

What do you mean? Incredible. If you're in a small town, all the cafes stop serving food at 2 p.m.

So like one day we'd we'd woken up late dish and had a later breakfast than usual and then went bird watching watching because my son likes bird watching.

Is this what you did last time you went to France? Last year, yeah.

Yeah, so I'm getting mad flashbacks because I was about to say the same thing that I said last time you talked about going to France. And then

this show just implodes. Yeah, but then, yeah, so then you're going around the town trying to find anything.
And people look at you like you're insane because you want to have your lunch at a 208.

They don't have a Tesco Express mentality. Absolutely not.
It was extraordinary.

But yeah,

we got to meet lots of French people. It was very good.
I do admire it, though. Like, but after the sort of fifth cafe, where they said, you know, we're not serving food.
God knows.

You spoke really good English. I said, I suppose you need a break, didn't you? And you went, yeah.

I thought, yeah.

I've been working for two hours.

I've only got three days off this week.

How are they a superpower?

How do they have nuclear weapons? I love it.

He made the point that he was going to be open late. He said, I'll be still be here at 11 p.m.
Doing what? Serving coffee? Well, it was a bar as well.

He was like, Yeah, I need a break. He said, I'm not going to work all day.
Because the coffee scene is much later over there. Yes, it is, yeah.
So it's fair enough, but it's not. It's nowhere.

But you wonder in Britain, where's all the money going? Yes. Because people are spending money all day in Tesco Expresses.

Word for word, what I said to Izzy. I said,

How is their economy better than ours?

yeah i mean they have they have the afternoon off every day most towns are shut one day one weekday yeah yeah yeah and it's random and you can't find out when you just get there and everything's shut i admire it though i admire

they've clearly got something working i had one of the best meals of my life and um izzy did a-level french about sort of almost 30 years ago And uh, and so it was kind of coming back to her after as the holiday wore on.

She wanted to tell this waitress, who didn't speak very much uh English, she wanted to express just how much I'd enjoyed the steak.

And she went to Monpetiama because she couldn't remember the name for my small friend's husband, my little lover.

She bit at me. I said, Mon petiama, my little lover.
The woman started smoking, and she went, uh,

which is in a reverie of beef.

He is in a dream, a dream of beef.

And again, accurate. I know.
My little

she didn't get the response. She didn't get the response she was expecting from the waitress.

And then the waitress walked off. And I thought, I'm not sure that was what you meant it to be.
And we Googled it. Yeah, yeah.
He is in a dream, a dream of my little lover.

He is in a dream, a dream of beef. What was the waiter's response? Sort of, ah.

That is funny, though. Surely you're laughing at that.
It is funny. I think she was more confused.
Right, yeah. But yeah, it was like

I admire it. And I saw a factory in Bordeaux where the Nazis used to make submarines.
Did you really? So yeah, yeah. I've had a great eight days.
It's an amazing country. You're good on your holidays.

You get a bit of culture in there. That was all due to my friend Bruchan.
Because my friend Bruchan, my dear friend Bruchan and his wife Einir and their kids

were in Bordeaux at the same time as us. We met for lunch.
Yeah. Bruchan likes a plan.
And even though it was four kids under the age of 10, he said, right, let's go to a Nazi submarine factory.

Well, it's now like an art gallery. Like a soft play Nazi factory

with a Luftwaffe ball pool.

Yeah. But yeah, no, it's good.
Oh, yeah. You've got to do a bit of culture.
I went to an amazing

medieval fort. Yeah.

Made the kids walk up about 180 steps. Yeah, it was great.
What a control.

No, I'm not going to move move there. That's just simply not going to happen.
But I do like it and will continue to go.

And because of what Izzy likes to do, I will continue to have to have intense conversations with German couples for the rest of my life. Well, yes, great update from Ellis there.

I unfortunately can't talk about my week because I've been working in the commercial publishing arena, Dave. Oh, you have? I have.

And it wouldn't be right, fair, or proper, or a good use of license payers' fees to talk about that on this show. No, but can I just say? Oh, yeah, Dave, what were you about to say? Very proud of you.

Oh, that's nice. And I'm looking forward to your erotic picture book.
Yes. Which was an interesting.
I sort of like the one Madonna did.

The sex. But

they're not sort of anatomically accurate. They're impressionistic.
They're sort of abstract. So it's what does the body mean? Dream escapes.
Yeah, not what does the body look like.

And I am thinking I've got enough time before the deadline on Monday to change the title to A dream a dream of beef

my little lovers my little lovers dream of beef yeah

you could call it lust 12 bodies that changed my life oh yes days isn't it wowie what would the cover be um

a lot of people making um jokes in my dms about thirst trap adverts that took me so long to get i just didn't know what they were talking about I kind of think I know what that means, but why is that related to what you're about to publish?

Because the book's called Thirst. Yes, but.
Div. Yes, I know.
So the adverts are a thirst trap because I look so good, Dave. Okay, okay.
Yes, you do.

If I wear my glasses and do my hair and pick the right t-shirt and fiddle with the lights for about 45 minutes and get the shadows in the right place. And put makeup.
Suddenly. And put makeup on.

And put makeup on and get a stand-in. Yeah, yeah.
I'm worried I've got old, starting to get old man's bum.

What is that? Ah, I'm. Oh, sorry.
Who would be showing off?

What?

You're getting young man's bum. Yeah.

I've actually had to go up an underpants size. Well, your bum's getting bigger.

Because I'm doing so many Bulgarian splits squats, so I've had to go from small to medium because my bum's now massive. Medium.
Yeah, but in terms of proportion.

Okay. Okay.
So I just caught my bum in the mirror and thought, hang on. I've seen that on old men getting changed on the beach.

You sure? Also, I might be losing my hair. No.
No. No.
Where? I don't know. I had a hair scare in the toilet earlier, but they've got the lights go down on you.
Oh, I mean, I'm sorry.

As in, they point down at you.

Does that fill you with dread when a light points down? You can see through, you can see your scalp through your hair. Not since I was 14 years old.
And it's not getting any worse.

I was petrified since the age of 16 when someone said to me, I remember it vividly at school in music class, they went, oh, Dave, you got your crowns showing on top there. That's you off.

That's you on the go. And I was like, you are.
And I went home and lo and behold,

it was thin on top. Turns out I just never noticed for the previous however many years.
It had always been thin on top. It's always remained a little bit thin on top.
I think

right.

No, I've got no hair to malt, really. No, but do you ever notice some hairs in the, in the...

I'm not talking like big handfuls of hair, but like eight hairs in the bath if you wash your hair in the bath. That's normal, isn't it? Yeah, I think eight hairs is, yeah.

That could be from your groin. That's true.
That's true.

How long is his groin here?

Roughly the same sort of length as his head here, I'd imagine. I would have thought so.

Yeah. Okay, so I'm not going bald, but I may have an old man's bum.
I can't have an old man's bum, the amount of running I do.

And I do squats as well. Yeah, you've got a dodgy mirror there.

I don't think you're losing hair. I think you look good.
I think I'm gaining my hair. Yeah, I think so.
Yeah, you're gaining your hair. Your bum look great.
Point your head Dave. Oh, you're fine.

You're fine.

You're fine. You're all right.

So anyway, yes, so Dave and I, and are anecdotalist, because of what we've been doing this week, we've been just driving around the country looking for good causes to donate 50 to 60 pounds each

to, and we take our blank checks. And we say,

hi, we work for the BBC and we're going around the country giving to good causes and their eyes light up.

Some of them are moved to tears. yeah uh and then

you're dressed up as pudzy and then when that check for 60 50 to 60 quid lands on them they some of them have actually been a little bit rude yeah

um yeah especially when pudsies start swearing they don't like that atom and one lady said we were expecting more from the bbc and i said you will you will be thankful for this 50 to 60 get what you're given and you'll like it and do you like it um so obviously yeah we're driving around the country for no reason whatsoever please sir can i have a bigger charity check no No.

Yeah, because the checks are enormous. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So we put together a little package for you of

Ellis and John's Road to Nowhere.

Welcome to Ellis and John on the Road. I can't say where we've just come from, but safe to say we have travelled and we have lodged.

And what an experience it was.

I'm giving it within the bounds of what it's trying to do

I'm giving it 4.7 out of 5 are you yeah okay yeah yeah fair enough um so is it losing that valuable 0.3 well this is a problem across an awful lot of uh outlets brands

where Okay, look, let me just start at the beginning.

When you are making

coffee for a lot of people bean to cup,

the cheapest and most effective way to do that is to go for dark roast beans. Yes.
Because they can handle the slings and arrows of milk, sugar, oat milk, the brick bats.

The brick bats, the cat calls. So it's a very robust, no pun intended.
Yes. It's also what people, a lot of people who aren't fourth wave coffee lovers, what they expect coffee to taste like.

Sure, and I'm not a fourth wave coffee lover. No.
I like dark roast coffee that is my roast of choice yeah yeah you're camp coffee i'm camp coffee you're camp john

there it's over roasted it was burnt and often when you're getting those machine coffees that grind and then and then yeah press yeah

it's too it's too roasted yes i had more of a problem with the complete lack of phone signal

Yeah, but that's not a problem for the hotel. That's a problem for, believe it or not, the entire county.
yes cambridge to norwich which we drove yesterday to see see dave's uncle

didn't we dave yeah yeah and he was doing really well hi alan yeah hi alan we're going around the country um doing various uh i wish he'd had his teeth in We're just having adventures because

you two thought you were spending too much time with your wives and kids. Yeah.
I thought I was spending too much time with myself. Yeah.

So we thought, let's start off by visiting Dave's uncle in Norwich. Yes, yes.
Let's just get on some of those blooming highways and byways of this fantastic nation.

And we're going to go and see John's auntie in Bristol. Yeah, Auntie Val.
Auntie Val. Looking forward to seeing her.

She'll make us a scon. Yeah.

So anyway, between... Because she swears.
Yeah.

Between Cambridge and Norwich, E. I was on E on my phone.
Not E E. E that you used to get in the 90s.
And not ecstasy. And no, not ecstasy.
And it's disgrace

because it's the flattest county in the country. So there's nothing getting in the way of the sickness.
What's happening there? It's just unacceptable. It is.
On a major A-road. Have a wood.

To be on E for 58 miles. Yes.
So apart from taking their roast down one notch, I would have given it a five. What a fantastic review.
Yeah. And they were friendly? Yeah, veggie sausages.
Yeah.

I thought the ones in the buffet were display models. Yeah, me too.
I ordered some, so the woman said, well, why don't you want these? And I thought, well, they were just for show.

Yeah, like plastic fruit. So, what did everyone have for their breakfasts? Scrambie egg.
Yeah. Yeah, I scrambled.
Mushrooms. Yeah.
I mushed. I mushed.
I mushed. I was going to leave it at that.

Really? But then I saw a sausage. Yes.
So I had one sausage. Right.
And then I did a bit of work

on the E, which was tricky. So I bought, because I'm earning, I bought my own Wi-Fi for 24 hours.
Well done. Was it good though?

It worked a treat okay it really did i had i scrambled did you three sausages some bacon beans and two yogurts wow

and a and two coffees are we are we seeing

is there a crash coming around the corner no i'm gonna feel great now until at least sunday okay

what about you john i had three veggie sausages two slices of white toast beans two hash browns some mushrooms and half a coffee because i couldn't finish it so disgusting so then i had went to my room where I've got my little Tupperware box full of emergency items and I used a coffee bag.

Oh, did you? Because they do work. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But yes, the morning after, the night before,

at Dave's Uncle Alan. Yeah.
I thought you were the best you've ever been. Oh, thanks, man.
I thought you were fantastic.

I thought it was great to be in your presence. Oh, that's really kind.
I thought you have work to do.

But we're finding our feet. Yeah, there were a couple of conversations we had with Alan

that we'll work on for Val.

Yes. Yes.
So when we get to Val, we'll just be getting to the crux of what that conversation is about. And I said to Giles, actually, when we see Val tonight,

we need the music to get louder before the lights go down. Yes.

To signify the start of our conversation with Val. Because John was so good at meeting Uncle Alan, tonight before we meet Auntie Val, I'm just going to whisper in John's ear, fly, John, fly.

And I want you to just stretch your legs. Yeah, Ellis has given me the wings to fly.
Well, he cheerleads you. You tell him he needs work done on this.
Yeah, but I can't.

Yeah, it's because I'm great and he's out of practice.

We don't lie to each other, Dave. No,

I wish we did.

We're realists.

I wish we were. Do you want to explain who Giles is on this trip around the country to see Family? Giles?

Giles is our tour manager. We're our manager on our trip to see family members.
And

I can't wait to see Uncle Mirion in Cardiff on Saturday night. There is a point at which this conversation is very confusing to people.
Really? Yeah.

If they, for example, don't know that we're currently on a tour of the UK. We can say we're on a tour of the UK.
It's not what we're doing. So we're now on the.

Giles, what road are we on? A14. We're on the A14, taking a controversial cross-UK

route to Bristol.

And you're joining us, watching John teaching a grandmother to suck eggs live, because just before we started recording, John said to Dave, someone who's worked in audio for 20 years, make sure there are mic muffs, Dave.

Because there's lots of extremely. So when Giles said we were going M5 across to Birmingham and then M5,

I said, I don't believe you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And then you checked the Google map in front of him, which I think made Giles feel fantastic. I checked Waze.

I think Waze is too dramatic. What do you mean? It does sometimes.
It's like, oh, God, there's a...

Oh, no, there's a bin in the road. So you better go somewhere else, please.
There's a bin in the road in nine miles. There's a bin in the road in eight miles.
Is the bin still there? Still out, Waze.

Whereas Google Maps is like, it will be fine. Someone will have moved it.
Oh, but it's one of the big green ones. Google smokes a bifter.
Yeah. So it's a bit more chill.

Google has a spliff and chills out and eats some biscuits. Waze

drinks too much coffee and is extremely anxious.

So what is this? So

a little diary of, and we'll do this for a few weeks, won't we? Yes, well, I've already got, because I drove up with Giles yesterday.

And we're in a tour van for the first time in my career, and I love it. There's a table, there's four cup holders, there's a wireless charger.
Wooden knives and forks.

There are six wooden seats facing each other. We're basically in a mobile conference hub.
Yeah. This is incredible.
It does feel important. Hannah has asked me four times now for pictures of the van.

She is obsessed with what this van looks like. Shall I take a photo of the van for Han? Yeah, Defo.
This could be good for the camera as well.

Right, I'll get a photo of you and Ellis. Portrait or landscape, Dave?

Go. I'm just going to turn on the electric lights.
Go portrait. Do you want me to turn the blue ones on? Yeah.

Go portrait but give us a bit of distance back if you can. Is that possible? Here we go.
You don't have to lean in Dave. That's my.
Can I do the thumb up still? Yeah.

Great stuff.

Does anybody want to stop at the Westwood Farm Shop South on the M5? Yes, well oh, that's a bit far.

Well yeah, because we could stop at Gloucester services, Dave. Have you ever been? Well,

more excitingly is I've never been to a services with John. Haven't you? No.

I would dial down that excitement. It's like

going to the gym with the rock.

You're just finding them in their own... in their own yeah

I could be body by mark but at

services. Hi my name's John.
I stop people who go to services to find out what they like about services. Yeah, okay, check out my Insta.

Oh, maybe do we go Norton Keynes?

No, because we're not going on the

toll. We're not going on the toll, Dave.
Yeah. There we are.
We're getting to Bristol a little bit early because before we see Anti-Val, Ellis wants to watch the football.

Yeah, where's the play in Kazakhstan at the annoying kickoff time at 3pm? That's perfect for this, though. It's perfect for this.

Yeah, it means I don't get to miss the game, but it's annoying for most supporters, obviously, who are at work. I want to do some work, and Dave wants to buy an eighth.

I don't. You do? I want to meet the mayor of Thornbury.
Oh, yeah, you do actually want to meet the mayor of Thornbury. Who deals me my eighths? Yeah, yeah.

Okay, here we are. We're in the long spaces, and

a huge bonus of the fact that we are going

M5

and not M4 is we get to stop in heaven.

The Gay Club. What? The Gay Club.
Yeah, we get to stop at the Gay Club in Embankment, where Freddie Mercury used to go, and I believe where he met his boyfriend, Jim Hutton. Oh, really?

And his chat up line was, How big's your d?

It's true.

It's a bit like your chat-up line.

So

we are within, I'm I'm going to say, 200 yards of Gloucester services, built into the landscape which was crucial in securing planning permission. Moto tried to stop them.
Roadchef tried to stop them.

Welcome Break tried to stop them.

A tail as old as time. A tail as old as time.
They failed.

Permission was granted to place a services equidistant from Strencham and

Michael Wood. Thank you, Giles.

So So here he is.

Yeah.

Dave, are you ready? You've not been here before. Have you been here before Elis?

No, been to TB. I came here the week it opened and I was in the local paper.
Yeah, cool.

I probably have. Which I mean, you probably have.
Well, this isn't, you won't like to hear this. I don't ever remember what service station.
No, but you would remember this.

I'd probably been to Disney with it. I've got a lot of later.
Oh, yeah.

Well, no, at least we're watching a football match. We're getting there an hour early for no reason whatsoever.
So forgive me if I take the time to enjoy my service station.

Clip on your microphone, John. Look like a YouTuber.
Oh no. I'm carrying my microphone, Dave.

Here we go.

Here we go. I'm going to have a pie.
Okay, so we're hopping out of the van. We're in the long spaces, Dave.
We're in the long spaces. Is that a metaphor for life?

I think it is, yeah. We get to see the Willows pick up trucks.

We look like we're trying to monetize our TikTok.

Alice, last time we did one of these, we had wired mics at a winter one

in high school. I just feel uncomfortable doing this stuff

in general. Steady stream of vehicles.
Also, I don't like services. They know what's striked.
They know what's wrong. I do love the way it's been built into the landscape, though.

I think that's a really nice touch. They understand buying local.
John actually has a different walk when he's striding into our services.

I always think there's a certain walk that fans have on the way to football matches. There's a certain walk boxers have when they're walking into the ring.

But there's a sort of purposeful nature to his pre-services gait. He's just talking to himself.
I know he's such a weird guy.

Weathered wood.

But

he is a valued friend. I like the guy.
Forest or area of outstanding natural beauty. Oh, people are waving at us, Dave, because they think we're vloggers.

That was absolutely what I wanted to avoid. So, to paint the picture, John is

12 feet ahead of me in Alice. Yeah.

In his element. Dave, I feel like a complete Div.

Do I have to keep talking into my mic? Can I not just go and buy some content? You know,

ham.

The revolving doors here

signal our entry into another realm.

John? Yep. Well, it'd be nicer coffee than usual in this.

Yeah, it would be nicer.

I think I might be. Right, we're going through a revolving door.
Dave, what do you think? Look at the atrium. Oh, it is nice.
It is nice. Of course.
It's nice. It's wood.
It's got all of it.

I've been here before.

Well, let's go to the farm shop, Dave. When I did my GSSE business studies, my coursework was on service stations.
Was it? Yeah, yeah. How have you never mentioned this? And I've never mentioned it.

I'm sure I have. I got an A star.
You've never mentioned it.

Why I want to read it? This was... I got an A star for it.
You still got it?

Of course not. Why not?

Well, I don't know where it ended up. Anyway.

It was 1995. No, 1997, it had been handwritten.
But one of the things I remember was that the reason services... I mean, this is 30 years old, this piece of information.

Was that one of the reasons services didn't have things like cinemas and bowling alleys was that they weren't meant to be destinations.

Yeah, they were meant to be somewhere that you would stop off if you were hungry, needed a toilet, needed a drink, needed petrol. This is a destination.

This is a lifestyle choice. This is a lifestyle.
Look at the charcoal bread. I know.
There's, what, 10 different types of bread?

Easy. I feel like a complete pilluck, Dave.
I hate this. Yeah, this is not comfortable.
I just don't...

I don't like looking like I'm... Yeah.
Like I want attention. And at the moment, I'm standing in the middle of a service station.

with a microphone and a lady's looking at me right in it goes into the pocket dave

love you dave bye love you Ice Bye. We'll be back shortly.

Well, we're back in the van, Dave. And

as I walked through the

Ford Cougar,

the M3s, the Defenders,

the Q1s,

I

felt I had experienced something very special. Two members of staff told me to have a nice day.
How did they? And I'm going to do just that.

I noticed people walking, going for a walk on the verges. These are not the verges of your regular service stations.
Little patches of grass where they take their dogs to pee and poo.

These are the orchards of our mind.

Can I say something?

Yes.

This happened when I was at TB.

I actually became not overwhelmed by choice, but paralyzed by choice. Oh, yeah.

I had to say no sweet stuff because the cakes were just too amazing. Well, bearing in mind that I've just come back from Bordeaux.
Yep.

There is better cheese in that service station than there is in France.

And so I had a look at the cheese and I felt dizzy.

I had a look at the monkfish and my legs gave way. And I thought to myself, I just need to...
eat something and leave because I could have spent a grand in there. What did you go for?

Lasagna salad, cashew nuts and strawberries. Oh, what did you go for, Dave? I went for a chicken Caesar salad wrap and a scotch egg on discount.
Oh, lovely.

I also went for a discounted vegetarian scotch egg. Some big thick crisps, some local piccolilly.
Oh.

And

a samosa. The cheese.

The cheese. There's a butcher.

There isn't a butcher in my town.

The cheese. Yeah.
I like cheese, but the cheese. There are two flavours of meringue cloud.
Oh, my God. Anyway, we're back in in the van, back on the move, to Valves.

Oh, yeah, of course, yeah. Back to Val's in the balance van.
The

balance van. The toilets, 10 out of 10.
Oh, I didn't order the toilets. 10 out of 10.
You've just changed the marking system. We're a five out of...
Five out of five. A hundred out of a hundred.

Six out of a hundred.

Wow.

A million out of a million. The cubicles are fully separated from...
There's no gaps. You are fully within your own shrine.

Yeah, shrine. And there's just a guy there cleaning constantly.
Oh.

I mean, I couldn't have asked for any more. The

soap dispensers, two of the automatic soap dispensers didn't work. But that's automatic soap dispensers.
I also think that's the technology we never needed. Yes, true.
Shall I eat my Scotch egg now?

I think we can all eat. Yeah, great.

Okay.

And then we'll be at Val's in about 45 minutes. Yeah.
Love you. Love you, Dave.
Love you, Dave. Love you, Ellis.
Love you. Anyway, back to us in the studio.
Hello, Ellis and John. Oh, hey, John.

You look very handsome. You've been working out.

Wowie.

What exercises do you do? Do you do specific willy ones?

Yeah, text me. Text me.

Okay. Bye-bye.
Bye.

Well, there you go. I hope they enjoyed their big charity check.
Yep. I think now it's time we played it.
Actually, though, in that clip, we were going to Auntie Valent.

Yes.

And Uncle Jim. And

charity begins at home. Yes.
Anyway, the real destination will never be revealed. Yeah, yeah.
But we're driving around the country for a number of reasons. Yes.

And we'll be keeping you updated with our travels across the UK for various reasons: whether it's to visit friends and family, whether it's to go to the least populated areas of the coast.

Yeah, whether it's to throw a cricket ball onto some gorse.

Yes.

Or whether it's to clean up some graffiti, actually. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I would quite like to go to Cardiff tomorrow to clean up some graffiti. Would you? Yes.
Let's do it. Okay, great.
See you there.

And on the way and on the way back. Right.
We love playing your made-up games. Keep sending them in to ellisandjohn at bbc.co.uk.
Keep sending in your Shane Wells and your mad dads. But Dave, hit us.

Made-up game, of course. Yep.
Got on your jingle. Ooh.

Bonjour to our precious petit pois. Oh, this is on brand relative getaway

uh on the second night in our chateau room uh there were approximately two thousand gnats on the ceiling oh no and do they bite yeah what did you do about them uh i told the lady and she hoovered them off the ceiling

which i'd never seen before and they stayed there patiently uh yeah they're thick like they're being abducted by aliens yeah yeah yeah

But I did get bitten, so it felt like my legs were on fire for the last four days. Oh, Oh, no.
But it was all right. How do people in their own countries not get bitten? I always think.

Like in Portugal, I got absolutely torn to stress. Ravaged.
And if you see the Portuguese, they always look as blemishless. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What are they doing?

Well, they're feasting on Brits, aren't they? Why, though?

Why do they go for the Brits and not the Portuguese? Foreign blood, Dave.

Yeah, are you sure about that? Are you making this up?

Well, if you were to live on the west coast of Scotland, you would not be able to leave your house for three months of the year. Oh, my God, midges, yeah.
Yeah, really.

Have you seen videos of people getting trapped in their tents? It is mad. The sky is dark with midges.
Oh my lord.

And they bite. Yeah.

At morning and evening. It's the worst.

Anyway, Petit Pois. In honor of John's love of Levine.

Avril. Yeah.
Yeah.

Do you love her? Because I love her.

You're an Avril fan. I'd marry her, yeah.
You're an avid Avril, aren't you? Yeah.

We've recorded.

Let me get the name first. This is Becca and Tom.
Aspiring retro wanners from Leith.

Oh, lovely.

Lovely, lovely Leith.

We've recorded a made-up games jingle in the early Avril style. I cannot wait to hear this.
Nice, nice, nice. We hope you enjoy it.
We appreciate it.

It may not be editorially justifiable to mention this on air. Shall I carry on?

Okay.

But Becca writes and produces a very different kind of music under the name Shears.

S-H-E-A-R-S.

And has a debut album out on the 10th of October, the day before my birthday. So they'd be in the

section next to Shearwater, who are a band I like. And Jake Shears from Scissors Sisters.
Yeah. Yeah.
I was thinking of that full lyric. Oh, that's Shears.
Take it out of a Chester.

All right. She's an entirely independent artist, and

she'll be a featured artist on BBC Introducing in Scotland later this year. Wow.

That is

good stuff. She's on the lesser streaming platforms too, of course, but why settle for those? Keep it.
Hashtag BBC Sounds.

Most importantly, massive thanks from us to you and the amazing team for making us laugh so much over the years. Okay,

it's a Levine-inspired made-up games jingle. Let's hear it.

Made-up games, made up games.

A quest of test and let's best guess of two very different brains.

Made up games, made of games.

Even stress suppressed, those psychosocial sexually repressed. They're always ready to play.
Keep it light. Alice gets excuses and early.
When John's broke wrong, he can't become surly.

Take Christmas and adjudicate. And the youngest person is on the hottest station.

Made of games, made of games.

Made up games, made of

games.

How many food built were born in Camarin? What's the market value of a nasty full of farthings?

Made up games and made up

games.

Wow.

Wowie, wowie, wowie. Love it.
Do you know what? That actually reminds me more than ever Levine of Nico Case's album, The Worse Things Get, The Harder I Fight, The Harder I Fight, The More I Love You.

If you listen to the track

City Swan and Man,

that's what that is. Is it? Yeah.
Big time. We do have talented listeners, don't we? Very talented.
Thank you so much for that. And best of luck with Shears.
Yes, thank you, Shears.

I really enjoyed that.

So thank you, Becker and Tom. Scores on the doors.
Ellis' shock win in international place guestimation last week bought the score to 40-30 to John in the third game of the second set.

John, you are leading two love in games and one love in sets. Yeah.

So, ah, ow.

We can't let. Well, you can't.
I've not got sides in this, but you can't let John get to three love-up in games, can you? It's 40-30, yeah? It's 40-30. Okay, yeah.

Take it to juice, man.

Take it to juice. We've never had a juice.
Have we not?

Just to drag out the scoring system even more.

And there's nothing wrong with it. It works.
It works as a system. This week's game is from Craig in Suffolk.
Hello, my plucky little Pop-Tarts.

Despite some cracking mad dad stories and some deeply unresolved shame, I've never thought it was worthwhile me writing in. Oh, it's always worth writing in.
Oh, absolutely.

But I imagine shame in particular. People are always on the fence as to whether they want to reveal the shame, of course.
But our shame-well

contributions are anonymous. Yeah.
Yes. Even if they do put their names on them, we take them off.

You're right, John. I've got that pain in my eye again, Dave.
Your pain in your eye. Yeah.
Just a shooting pain that goes from my eye to my neck. Great.

Ellis, you can take him down here in this made-up game. He's distracted.
Much if I don't. Yeah.

That was until my partner, Deborah, and I made up a game that we felt you needed to play. It's called How Low Can You Go? And it works like this.
Dave will give you a quantifiable category.

I think this is a fun game.

Why are you upset about quantifiable categories? Because

I can't.

Would you be happy if you said unquantifiable category?

No, I think it's alright. It's okay.
I'm not asking me to measure credit cards. No, no, no.

We wouldn't put you through that again. Thanks.

Each player then has to list things in that category in descending order. Okay.
They have to see how low they can go.

When they name something that isn't lower than the previous thing, they're out. A point is received for each item correctly named.

I i like it so it might be like grossing films highest mountains that sort of thing exactly that for example dave says football ground capacities in the uk john goes first and would want to start with the highest number he can so he says wemberly sure sure sure sure he then lists football stadiums until he lists one where the capacity isn't lower than the one before sure sure surely names five stadiums gets five points sure so you just got to be careful

no time okay no time but you know but you have to name you have to give an amount you're can you can do Or is it just live in the moment? It's as far through as you can get. Okay.
Because

there'll be a point earlier than you think that you'll have just taken too big a jump to get lower. Big time.
And then there'll be nowhere else to go. So we're doing it on our own.
Yes.

You're going to have headphones on. There'll be sound

proof games. Love it.
Love it. You'll take it in turns with each category.
And when a player is not in play, they must enter the booth. Sorry, I've just said that.

And close their eyes to stop the Brad Pitt fiasco from repeating. Yeah.

I hold my hands up to that.

pit gate yeah i hope the game isn't too controversial uh and most importantly i hope it works oh it'll work it's great uh lovely thank you craig right we ready yeah uh all right then uh

john can go first okay we don't toss coins anyway

we don't back cash in this sorry go on yeah let's do that we'll cos a toy

Tears for Wales. Confunigums, please.
It is Queens for Queen. And how many rounds are there? Three.

I will go first.

Go first. Okay, here come the headphones.
With...

Is it anything he wants to listen to? Or go for it? Oh, can I have... Oh, yeah, but I can, please.

Loud. Wait for Ellis to.
I think that little jolt in Ellis means the music is on. Okay, he's canning away.
He's got can in his cans. Okay, John.
Yep. Round one.

Probably the more quantifiable actually of the rounds. They all have to be quantifiable.

Apologies

falls apart. Apologies for that.
What do I mean?

The simpler of the ways to quantify. Yeah.

Followers on Instagram. Okay.

And off you go. Taylor Swift.
He's gone straight for Swift, and why not? It's a strong start.

A new album out, of course. Recently got

engaged to Travis Couch. Congratulations, Taylor.
Yeah, I don't care. I'm just trying to fill the gap whilst we get the information.
Okay, so you're getting the number. 282 million.
Okay.

Well done, John. So next, I will go for

Sabrina Carpenter. Sabrina SC.
He's sticking with the female pop star. And it's a strong move because they're young, they're relevant, they're both on Instagram.

They will have an audience. Wow.

It isn't bad, but what a drop. Oh, yeah.
It's always going to be a drop.

48.7 million for Sabrina Carpenter. John has two points.
Okay. We move to three.
This is a good game.

Next, I am going to go for...

This is tricky because you need someone big, but not massive.

Yeah, absolutely. But you could go higher by accident here quite easily, I think, if you're careful.

I'm going to go for

Bonno.

Bonno, I think we've...

I think we've been down the Bonno route before. I don't think Bono has an Instagram.
He's not on Instagram. Okay.

So I retract Bonno if Bonno's not on there. Is he not on there?

Okay,

Do you know what? Let's let you continue and we'll do the same for Ellis.

We probably should have made a rule that if you pick someone that isn't on, it stops there. But we'll have consistency across the round.
Okay. So it's okay, go again.
So I will go for

Billie Eilish. Billie Eilish.

I wonder whether you might be in trouble here, John. Really? More than 48 million.
Well, she's just been around a lot longer. I don't know.
I think. Ah, John, 124 million.
Are you kidding me?

I would not kid you and join a made-up game. Lumin, that's a lot.
It's a lot, and it's two points for John. That's no good, is it? I don't know.
I don't know. I'm done.
I'm duck. I'm a dead duck.

You're a dumb and you're a dungeon. You're a dungeon.
You're a dead duck. Done.
Yeah.

Ellis!

Open your eyes. Whip them off.
God, that was fantastic. Is that fun?

I'm not going to tell you how John's done. Well, I can work it out because I've...
listened to so much of that song, so he must have done absolutely sensationally.

No, well, the way the game works is, you know, there is a bit of time that needs to be thought about as we're checking.

For this round, to add consistency and to make sure it's fair for both, if you name anyone that isn't on the platform that we talk about, you get to go again with someone else's name.

So, the round is followers on Instagram.

Okay, if you name someone that's not on the gram, you're still in play. You get another chance because this is this is may or may not have already been.
And I've got to go high to low.

Got to go high to low. What's your first pick?

Um, Taylor Swift straight in with Swift, of course.

282 million.

Oh, that's good. No, well, I can't do my next one then.

What? Oh, really? No.

Okay.

You should name anyone. Edge Sheeran.
Edge. I think that's a really good shout.
I think that's a good shout because I think he'll be up there.

But he's not knocking Swifty off. Or is he?

Or is he?

He's not. You're all right.
49.3 million. It's a hell of a drop.
49.3 million. It just shows the level that Swifty's dealing at here.
Okay.

Oh, really? Is that all? Two points. Luca Modric.
Luca Modric.

I think you'll be safe.

Oh!

That's a really smart guess. 47 million.
39 million. Yeah, because obviously he's invested in the swans.
39 million.

That's a really good answer off the back of a 49 mil shear run so you got three points

killy and mbappe killy's gone to he's he's he's in his safe place he's in football nothing i don't really follow footballers on instagrams because they tend to be quite boring i think mbappe is going to be more than modric surely i think but modric has had a longer career no but he was around before okay just tell me

yeah

Mbappe's 125 million. Is he? Well done to him.
So what happens to Mm-hmm? He's the most expensive footballer in history, isn't he? He was at one point, yeah. So it happens to me.

So you've got as far, you got three, you got through three, so you got three points. Is that it? John said, I was going to start with Ronaldo because he's like 700 million or something.

Well, it's all right. You know, John got two, you got three.
Wow, okay. Yeah, I made a big error.
Well, how many is Olivia Rodrigo got? Oh, let's not go into this.

I want to know.

Do we want to tell me? Pick it up on your phone. I haven't got my phone.

39.5 million. I should have gone for her she's new to the game i was thinking about her so you got three points we're gonna go cumulative this is horrible because it's exciting

i like it guys i was so

because once you get down into the millions we could just do comedians yeah so i wanted to get to 250 000 because then i got like six in the bag but then you need to maybe you just take the hits and just get down there quickly that's what i should have done yeah then i wanted to get done into the dozens i was just going to do my mum and my sister

you could have done you could have done

all right right. It's 3-2 to Alice.
We're going to go cumulative. Headphones, please.

I mean, Michael, very optimistically, Michael.

Michael gave that around rows of 20.

I think I might have accidentally triggered something with my hands on these headphones. No, that's what Canam meant to sound like.
Because that's the problem.

I would like to listen to Mdo Mokta, Afreak Vic Team.

Michael.

Oh, the sound, The noise cancelling on these is out of this world. An approving nod from producer Michael.

I can barely hear you and they're not even on. No.
How many has gotten? Oh, chill.

John's done the T-sign with his hands on the show, which I've not seen for a long time. I'm going to look at the

top footballers on their Instagram. Yeah.

I know that Ronaldo's

like half a billion people or something insane. Yeah.
Anyway. Anyway, you're three to up, mate.
Interesting round here.

Happiness of countries. And there is a measurement of

these countries. Well, let's...
So what we're going to do is go from happiest to unhappiest. Okay, because it's how low can you go.
So we're trying to see how mentally low these countries are.

So data taken from 2024's World Happiness Report,

which is a thing. Yep.

Hit us with a country, Al. Finland.
Finland. I know it's up there.
I know it's up there. You've got to be careful now because there's a few that are...
Now, Finland, I'm going to tell you. Yeah.

Our first. Yeah, and

New Zealand. New Zealand.
It tends to be the small egalitarian countries. Yeah.
New Zealand, of course, you're in place still because you went from one. New Zealand are 11th.

Okay. I sort of want to steer clear from Scandinavia.
I would have stayed in Scandinavia for a little longer there.

Yeah, I thought New Zealand were number two. I don't know why I thought that.
Did you?

I am going to shoot for the moon, France. He's going for France.
He's familiar with the nation. He's stayed in their houses.
France are 27th. You've got yourself three points.
Okay.

But you're hurtling through the countries, Al. As well, you know.

Australia. Australia.

Are they more miserable than France? You're out on three. You bust.
Where are Australia? 10th.

Are they really? Yeah. Britain are in the 60s.
Britain's in the 60s. I thought Britain was in the 60s.
Where's Britain, Michael?

Just out of interest.

20? Oh, 20.

Doesn't tell you my experience. Last couple of years have been tough, though, haven't they?

I wonder what it was in 2020. Denmark and...
I mean, you've still got the things on Denmark and Sweden. I mean, that's where we want to be.

Headphones off, John.

Frankfurt team. If any of you complete the table that Michael's done for each round, I'll give you 200 quid.

Because he's given you a chance of getting to 20.

I won't tell you how Ellis has done.

I'll give you the category though, John. It's happiness of countries.
Okay. There is a table of countries.

And we are taking the data from the 2024's World Happiness Report. We want you to go from happiest to unhappiest because it's how low can you get.
So there's what, 200 countries in this? Yeah.

So, John. It's very interesting.
Where do you start? I mean, it's tricky. This, you've got to kind of, I suppose, like anything, know the data or have been interested in the data.

Otherwise, this is just shooting in the dark. Okay, we start with Sweden.
He's starting with Sweden.

Sweden, fourth. Yeah.

Hmm.

We start with Sweden.

The problem is, you don't want to go too happy, do you?

Never. It's been your motto for years.

Because there's three above that. I know, and if I hit one of them.

Yeah. I will leave.

So you want good economy. You want good health care.
You want good schools. This is good assessing, actually.
Is this what you were thinking about in your head? Yeah.

Good weather, maybe? Climate?

Well, I don't know. No, maybe not.
In fact, yeah, that's good play.

I'm tempted to stay scandy, but I think that's where the danger lies. Yes, but it'd keep you low.
Yeah. And it'd give you a chance in the next one.
I don't know. I'm going New Zealand.

New Zealand is 11th. Okay, that's good.
That feels significant. That feels good.
That's a nice jump. That is a nice jump.
4 to 11 is nice. I am going to...

Now, am I going to assume that Australians are less happy than New Zealanders? Oh.

Interesting.

I'm going to say

I've just got to get some points on the board. And I think that's risky because there's a lot of sun.

So I'm going to go grumpy old Brits. Really interesting.
Really interesting. United Kingdom, 20th.

Don't believe it. Brits, 20.
20. You got three points on the board.
Gone. 4, 11, 20.
That's not bad. That's very good gameplay.
It isn't bad. It isn't bad.
That's really good gameplay. Okay.

I made one crucial mistake and I'm kicking myself, but that's good. I admire good gameplay.
I'm going to say Portugal. Portugal.

I don't know.

They're a chirpy bunch when I go over there. But the economy's not booming.
John. Yeah.
55. Okay.
Really? Four points. This is good.
I mean, there's a big old jump there, but I mean, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm happy with that.

I'm 4-11, 20, 55. 4th, 11th, 20th, 55th, happiest in the world.
So who's unhappier than Portugal, but not too unhappy?

I am going to say Argentina.

It's risky. I think it's dangerous territory at this stage, isn't it?

48th. Oh!

That's good.

i'll take that though they won the last world cup yeah that's gonna keep you happy isn't it john goes bust on four ellis went bust on three okay so we're actually uh finland and at number one yeah i should have stayed scandy what did you do i went finland new zealand because i'd read i'd read about this i thought new zealand had come second So I thought I was being clever.

I should have stayed Scandy. Okay.
Australia, which you nearly went for, Ellis did go for, and that's what he went bust on, our 10th happiest. And I would have gone bust.

Yeah, because New Zealand were 11th. You would would have gone yeah the others

excitingly it's six all going into the final round oh yeah by canagan

and it's a fun one to end on okay

okay round three is frequency of baby names in 2024

uh the baby names will be from the uk okay uh England and Wales are the only stats we could find. So they're just think of England and Wales.
Close your eyes and think of England and Wales.

It's from the Office of National Statistics. We have for this game the top 100 names for girls and boys.
And we can guess girls or boys. Girls or boys, just please do specify.
Yep.

Because they will be different rankings, obviously.

If you do guess outside of the top 100, because we want it to be a points popular game, a points-rich game,

that's void. You get to go again.
We go again. We do not let this slip.
We go to Norwich. So if you're out of 100,

you're still in the game. Lovely.
We just go to the next next name boys and girls popular to unpopular for the win john yeah

uh muhammad muhammad john yep number one yep he's not stupid uh where are you going i'm going

olivia

i think that's a really good shout olivia also first okay still in what if i pick a name that's both a boy and a girl's name can i combine the two

can i get the highest of the two?

Uh

no, you need to, I think for every name from now on. I need to specify gem.

Okay. I'm going to.
So they'll be different in the list. Yeah.
I'm going to go for

Taylor. Taylor.
Is it a bit early, 2024, for Taylor to be bothering the charts? Boy or girl, please, John. Boy.

Boy.

I think you might have.

But of course, if they're not in the list, if it's void,

you get another shot.

Taylor

is not in the top 100. We don't have to go to the next slide.
We go again.

We go to Norwich. We do not let this slip.

Jack.

Jack.

Boy or girl. Boy.
Boy.

Tricky these days. Yeah.
A lot more fluid, and I'm here for it. Jack.

22nd. Okay.

You're fine. Yeah.

Frequency Frequency of baby names in the UK, top 100. I'm going to go for.

Just going to try and get some points on the board here, Dave. Yeah.
I'm going to try and go Sarah. S-A-R-A-H.
S-A-R-A-H, girl.

I think that'll be a bit lower down. Yeah, but you'd like to think.
It's a tricky game, this. You'd like to think they'd be in the mix.

It's an evergreen name, but I just don't think it's ever going to be top, top billing 630.

We go again.

Okay I'm going to say

you're still at 22 with Jack. What's next? I'm not...
Alice is going to be good at this because he's in the baby name game. And it's Wales.
Yeah. And England, but oh yeah.

So I will go for

Poppy. Poppy.
It's a nice name, isn't it? That's a lovely name, John.

It is a lovely name.

Is Poppy big?

Poppy's in. Okay.

Poppy's in too much. No.

Poppy's eight. Oh, my goodness, me.
Popular name. Poppy names.
They're coming back in, aren't they? Yeah, no, so I've not done very well there, am I? Well, no, well, who knows? You got three. Yeah.

But it's a low, as we've noticed, it's a low-scoring game. Ellis, headphones off.
Oh, my God. I was having a good time.
Enjoying yourself.

Okay, a few rules to get into play here, so we'll get straight into it. I forget the first time I heard that song.

My friend Poisch played it to me, and I thought, this is music what was that song reached music what was the song oh yeah by can oh still yeah did you was that on repeat or is it just a very long song okay it's a bit of both ellis yep

frequency of baby names in 2024 okay if it's joint ranked you get the points and we go again well like kerry well no like if

no no

if it's the same if you get the 50th ranked boy followed by the 50th ranked girl you get that counts You're in. You're in because they've drawn essentially.
You go again and you get the points.

So where are you starting? Mohamed. Mohammed.

First.

Tony. No, I'm joking.
We've got to take you first. Oh, shut up, Dean.
Oh, my God.

Olivia. Olivia.

Interesting starts. First place.

You get both points and you move to the third point because she was also first. First place girl.
Yeah, you've got first place girl and first place boy there.

Isabel. Isabel.

I think you're on terra firma there, Al.

Isabel will be in the hundred. It's just how low is it to then give you a good chance to continue.

Interesting. Isabel's 52nd.
Good.

I thought that was going to be higher. As in, you know, it would have given you more than 100%.

Because obviously Isabelle is in Isabel and she said there's loads of them now, but when she was young, there were no Isabelles, which is why I plumped four. Isabelle.

Um

okay, what are the cool names?

Arthur.

Arthur for a boy. Yeah, of course.

Isabella was 11th. I think Arthur might be quite high.
I think Arthur might be high.

Oh, Alice! You gone bust, he's fourth! You're joking. I wouldn't.
Joke. No, I know you wouldn't.

I knew... I thought it would be

in the 50s or 60s. I wouldn't have thought it would be in the top five.

Yeah.

Well, how many did John get?

We've not factored in a tie break.

It's nine all. Is it? You both got three.
Okay, so what's the tie break? The tie break

question. Now, we do have a broader list that we can move to for this part of the game.

Where does the name John come in the rankings of baby names in 2024? Closest wins. Closest wins.

Tiebreak. Where does the name John come in the list of UK baby names? England and Wales.
Ellis will come to you first. 150.
150 for Ellis. John.
201. 201.

It's 164. Oh, Ellis takes.
Ellis takes the win. Wow.
And it's juice.

Gonna for that.

Brilliant. Good game.
Good gameplay. Hardly.

Yeah.

I'm intense now. Well, also, the thing is, like, saying,

going Jack, then who did I go after Jack?

After Jack, you went... Well, you went Sarah.
Yeah. And then Poppy.
Where was Jack? Jack was 22nd. Poppy was 11th.
Poppy was eighth. Eighth.
But it's not like a mad mistake.

No, because there's not going to be a huge difference. No, they're both very popular names.
It's Australia and Sweden. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.

Good Good game, good game, good game.

Probably time for a Cummry connection. Yes, time for Ellis to get some more points on the board to see if he can connect with his fellow country people.

But before we get to it, we've had an email sent in by the OG jingle maker Craig.

Craig says, recently, I've been rather challenged by the thought that the jingle was in any way dampening Ellis's chances of success. I've always thought I should finish the tune properly.

So here's a version with hopefully a more upbeat finish, while still retaining realism about his questionable tactics. Nice.

Because, to be honest, sending Ellis onto the pitch after that jingle is like if

the English national anthem ended in the minor key. Yeah.

The manager said, try and keep the score dumb nuts.

We want to see Ellis get back above 50%. Come on, Boyo.
You can do it. What percentage is Ellis on at the minute? Ellis is on 44%.

Is that a guess? No, no, it's just not great. So I faltered.
Yeah. That's really bad.
Yeah. But it's

get backable. backable.
Let's hope we can turn that around with this jingle. Yeah.

No.

Come on, mate, you must do.

And then often he will just list a name or three.

Ignoring John's imploring, think like us to us to listeners. All are hoping if he can elevate his strategy to nifty,

he'll achieve the magic fifty

Ellis Gokonect.

Ah, that is that is a superhuman effort. That is incredible.
Thank you. Do you feel better? I do.
It just puts me in a good mood that

here's a little thing we should do. If you do connect, we will use that version as a mascot until there is no more connections.

Because

it's quite lengthy, which is lovely. And I think that special version should just be played for as long as Ellis is successful.
Okay. Yeah.
It's another threat.

We've had an email. Last week saw the controversy of Ellis trying to connect with American-born and raised Joshua.
As Dave pointed out, had Ellis made a connection, it would have been Lims.

But sadly, a connection was not made. It was, however, agreed that the result should be scrubbed from the records, and so it has been.
But there's no denying it. Ellis is on a poor run at form.

His connection rate stands at 44%. He's missed three connections in a row.
He needs a win. Stefan has sent the following suggestion.
Hi, Ellis and crew. Lift your head up.

Your recent dip in form is not your fault, Ellis. The original premise was simple.

Outgoing, community-focused Welsh man can make a connection with other Welsh people due to his love of the country and the country itself being on the small side.

Recently though, people have been calling in because they know someone who knows someone who knows Ellis James.

Every time Ellis mentions Bobby the Omelette Davis from football, someone thinks, oh, I know Bobby's piano teacher and rings in. Ellis doesn't know this person, but they know him.

Get back to the original premise. Send Dave out to Powys with a mic and stop random people on the street.
Trust me, Ellis, your numbers will rock it. Stefan in Wimbledon.

It's a good observation. I don't think it is, actually.

Good old Bobby the Omelette.

Because surely, if the premise is to connect with a random Welsh person, someone who knows Bobby the Omelette, great, but they don't know other people. There might be other connections.

You know, still, he's trying, John. He's trying to make him feel better.
Yeah, well, yeah. They're saying the system is flawed.
Anyway, let's find out how this week goes.

Can that 44% rate move up to a more but still not hugely respectful 45%? We have a caller on the line from Wales. Hello?

Hello.

The next voice you hear will be that of Ellis James. He has 60 seconds to find a common connection.
The time starts now. Agent School?

36 Bringwin. In Swansea? In Slenetly.
Oh, in Slinetly. Oh, okay.

If you went to university, where did you go? Cardiff. What did you study? Philosophy.

Oh, my God.

Perry Roberts used to teach political philosophy there? No.

Okay, Snesley Bryn Gwyn. What primary school do you go to, Snatchy? Davin.
Oh Davin? Yeah. Yeah.
Do you know Scott Quinnell?

I know Scott Quinnell.

Hello,

here we go. Oh,

I'm so pleased. Clean.
He's so pleased. Tell us how you know Scott Quinnell.

So my sister used to go out with Scott Quinnell's younger brother Gavin. Oh, he's very tall.
he's the biggest man i've ever seen in my life he's about six foot ten or something gavin he's huge scott

16 feet

it's actually a nightmare to be that big well i was on a plane the other day i'm five foot seven i thought

any more than this and i'm struggling six foot ten how does it work

it was bad i remember he had size 16 feet so he basically He had a choice between either black or white shoes that he had to get in from America. So, but you have met Scott on numerous occasions?

Yes, because I used to work for Scott's dad,

Derek Quinnell, in the chemical plant on Exley. Did you? Yeah, yeah, just for three weeks.
It was a strange job, but I ended up meeting all the Quinnells for a couple of days. Oh, wow.
Slethy royalty.

Ellis, how do you know Scott Quinnell?

He, when we did the Distant Pod Arena show, he was one of our special guests. He's been on this show.
He's a big listener to the show. He's been on the show.
Yeah, yeah. He is the

Quinnell. He's the king of Flenethly.
Oh, nice. He's such a lovely brother.
Nice guy. He's such a nice guy.
Oh, I remember. Yes.
I remember Quinnelling. Oh, my God.
And his dad's a rugby legend.

And his brothers played. They all play for Flinettely.
Yeah.

This is good. Sorry, what's your name?

Tim.

Are there any other connections, Tim?

I don't know. There may be some.
Tom worked in Finettely for years, so I'm trying to mind.

Do you venture as far far afield as Kidwelly?

I've been known to go to Kidwelly. I've been known to go to Kidwelly.
Do you know my friend Den's from Kidwelly?

I don't. Gareth Rey So in the sort of BBC World Sports Correspondent, he's from Kidwelly.

No, I don't know him either. This is Den's, obviously.
What about the Gravel scene in Kidwelly? Do you mean Gravel?

No, all right.

No, I don't know that. To be honest, I'm so glad you went for Quinnell quick because I was worried the further you went to Cardiff way,

maybe that would thing. So I was so pleased you went there and I was rooting for you.

Really, please. I used to know a really hard bloke from Darvin

who once told me that he couldn't imagine crying because of pain.

That's me.

No, it's not. But I can't remember his name.
And

he had the strongest, sturdiest handshake of any human being I've ever met. But I can't remember his name, but I'm sure you'd know me.
He's only a couple of years older than you.

Are you still living in Tlinetley? No, so I'm living in London now. Just moved to Strictum.
Oh, right. So, yeah, yeah.

Oh, I believe in Tletley. Oh, I do love Tlinethley, to be fair to you.
I've got very fond memories. I haven't been back in a few years.
That's what a lot of people have fond memories of Wales.

Most beautiful part of the world.

Such fond memories.

I think that was last day in the 80s.

Anyway, Tim, nice to meet you. Thank you for coming on.
Thanks, Mr. Speaker.
And you, Ellis, honestly, very pleased you got it. Oh, cheers, mate.
Bye-bye.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye.
We needed that. We did, and it was clean.
Ellis needed that. Wales needed that.
I thought you were drifting a bit far away from where I knew the gold was there.

Ma'am worked in Lenli for many years, you see, so

they would have been careful. But obviously, age then...
becomes a thorny issue because he's only 36. Amazing that he didn't know a philosophy teacher at the university he went to study philosophy.

He was political philosophy. Okay.
So probably in the politics department. Yeah.
John Stuart Mills. Yeah, exactly.

Who I think is that. I read his Wikipedia page the other day, the cleverest person who ever lived.
Oh, yeah. It's extraordinary.
Who is he? It's John Stuart Mill.

He was a political philosopher and very

women's rights campaigner. Oh, yeah, clever guy.
In the 1720s or whatever. Like Wordelin II.

Wordlin 2, but also like translating Greek at five. Yeah.

Yes. Yeah.
Which I would find annoying, yeah.

Uh, anyway, thanks so much for listening, folks. Uh, we will be back with you very soon next week, won't we, Dave?

Yes,

yes, we will. What are you thinking about? I just in my head, because we do need to time-hop a little bit on these records, just wondering whether the British Podcast Awards are closed.

And the answer is they have, so ignore this. Thank you for voting.
If you did, yeah, we know you have a choice, and bye. Bye.

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