#470 - Old Man Bum, A Dream A Dream of Beef and Lust: 12 Bodies That Changed My Life

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We the man to be seen!

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If I want your opinion, I'll ask for it, John snarled at Ellis as he slammed his dressing room door.

It was the first night of the tour and tensions were already running high.

Ellis had a point, though.

It was a little late in the day for John to reveal that he'd arranged sponsorship from Canon printers.

He's going to do the whole show dressed as a giant ink cartridge.

John!

Ellis knocked at the door.

What if we say that all our notes are printed using Canon, and you can dress up and do your dance in the interval?

There was no reply.

Just the sound of a dressing room door being locked.

Ellis went to the green room for crisis talks with Dave.

The truth was, it wasn't about the costume or the song and dance routine.

They knew that.

And it wasn't about the two Edamami beans Ellis had dropped on the tour van floor.

That wasn't.

Nor was it really about the fact their driver Giles hadn't let John stop at both Reading and Membury to complete the M4 in his Ice Buy Book of Service stations.

It was about the travel lodge.

When Ellis, John and Dave and Giles had checked in, the receptionist had allocated them two doubles and two family rooms.

Though the same size, the family rooms came with two additional single beds, a trouser press, and double the amount of tea bags, sugar, and UHT milk.

And that meant one thing, bragging rights at the breakfast buffet.

It all came down to the toss of a coin, and John had tails.

Her Majesty's face glimmered with cruel disdain as it condemned him to a night in an inferior room.

At breakfast, things reached boiling point.

Dave and Ellis had pressed their trousers for a laugh and had made badges that said press gang pals.

John saw a handful of instant coffee sachets in the pocket of Dave's combat trousers.

It didn't help that the corn sausages had to be cooked specially, so as everyone tucked into their breakfast showing photos of the forts they'd made with the extra pillows, John's beans went cold as he waited for the veggie option to arrive.

Dave took the initiative.

What's up, champ?

Nothing.

Is it the rooms?

No, I don't care.

I've got loads of room.

They actually gave me a secret suite that no one knows about for if the Prime Minister comes.

Every hotel has to have one, and if you say a code word at reception, you get it, and it's got a jacuzzi and bulletproof windows and a bigger kettle.

Dave threw a knowing look to Ellis, who was about to speak.

Do they really?

Wow!

What else has it got?

I can't tell you because it's a secret.

Does it have a fridge?

It's got two.

One's for Coke and Dr.

Pepper, and the other's for snacks, and they're all free.

Dave nodded at Ellis.

Oh, wow, John, Ellis said.

That's cool.

My room had none of that, just a crummy old trouser press and a single bed.

I thought they had two single beds and a double, said John, perking up.

Oh, no, mine had just had one, and it was too soft to sleep on or build anything out of, and the shower gel was empty.

Hey, John, Dave chimed in.

What services do you want to take off today?

Strengtham and Michael Wood.

Shall I ask Giles if we can stop at both?

They're too close, John said.

And I want to go to Gloucester, and that's in the middle.

Well, we can't go to all three, can we?

But would you like me to have a word with Giles and see if, maybe, if we stop at the one of the main services and fill up with petrol in the garage at the other?

Would that count to tick it off?

Yes.

Okay, which one would you like to fill up at?

Strengtham.

Okay, well, I can't promise, but I'll ask.

Just make sure you're ready to go at 10.30 on the dock.

John smiled.

Thanks, Dave.

And with that, they all held hands.

Corn sausages arrived, and they said their tour motto out loud.

We are friends.

We make memes.

We tell someone if we're feeling glum.

No matter where we go to sleep, our friends and memes are ours to keep.

I thought you said we are friends and we make memes.

Yeah, I heard you say that.

We make memes.

Yeah, I got it.

We make mem.

I got it.

Yeah.

So there you go.

I tell you one thing, though.

It's nice to keep.

It's nice to keep John's spirits up on the tour.

I think we're doing a good job of that.

I love the way you refer to him as Champ every 10 minutes.

Yeah.

And then you always know when it's silent time.

Yeah, yeah.

Yes.

Because the tour bus has to have an awful lot of silence.

And Giles knows that, and it's fine.

It's good.

Because we're we're making memes.

Well, there's a lot of

tongue-in-cheek prodding at yourself there, John.

But actually.

None of that, really.

Actually, it's been a very positive, happy start, I feel.

Yes, I had two naps.

Yeah.

Two naps in two dressing rooms.

Can't complain.

Amazed you can do that.

You cannot complain about that.

But they're really tiny little sofas.

So where are you sleeping?

On the floor?

Once on the floor, once on the sofa.

Eye covers, earplugs, soothing thoughts.

Yeah, there was one time I just heard the tinkling of the piano out of Ellis's dressing room, which was.

Yeah, Ellis is practicing his piano.

It was nice.

That made me feel like Elton Charm after

having a piano in the dressing room.

It sounded exactly like,

yeah, thank you.

But how are you, John?

Good.

Well, that's all that's all my.

I mean, I know exactly how

I was in France.

Yes, yes, Ellis has been to France, of course.

Holiday with my family and

Bour de la Mer or Alamontagna

and my sister.

Answer the question.

both.

You were both.

By the sea and in the mountains.

We stayed

at Eurocamp with my sister and brother-in-law and their kids.

What's Eurocamp?

It's a sort of campsite.

It's a brand, actually.

Sorry, like centre parks.

No.

With tents.

Tents.

But also like little sort of lodges, I suppose you would call them.

Did you stay in a lodge?

Most static caravans.

Talk you through the facilities.

The kids loved it.

There's entertainment.

I learnt enough.

I got some great ideas for the show.

Rather than what we're doing, I think what we should be doing is getting two vociferous French parents up on stage and making them get dressed in as many clothes as they can in 90 seconds.

Oh, that's very friendly.

Good stuff.

It's continental humour.

Yeah, it is.

It's Mr.

Bean.

It's Mr.

Bean.

Or you split the children into two halves,

split the room down the middle, and then they've all got to get one half's got to get lots of green things in three minutes, and the other half's got to get lots of of blue things, and then they count.

Easier to get green things, yes.

Because there's very little blue in the natural world, yeah, true.

But there were handbags,

wallets, pairs of trousers, all sorts of things being checked on stage.

It was very anarchic.

Is this the type of place where you could whack your kid in there for the day and actually have a day to yourself?

No, it's largely swimming pool-orientated in the day.

So hang on, it's a camping site, but you've got a swimming pool.

You're staying in a lodge.

Yeah, yeah.

So you can either camp or stay in a lodge or stay in your own camp of that.

So talk me through the lodge.

What condiments have you got?

What's the tea and coffee making facilities?

What's the bed facilities like?

None of that stuff.

No beds.

No tea or coffee making facilities.

It was a double bed and two single beds.

We were in an army camp.

The final bit, we went to near Bordeaux and then we stayed.

We did that thing we did last year where we stayed in someone's house and they cook for you and you have very intense conversations.

What is wrong with you?

Why don't you just get a really nice hotel?

But it was so really loved it.

He loves it.

It's not about the money, John.

It's about the community.

Stay in someone else's house like Rory Stewart trying to get elected for mayor.

Just stay in a hotel

idiot.

He loves it.

You love it.

You end up.

I've grown to accept it.

Yeah.

Why?

Because I live in such a

No, I think this is really nice.

It's not.

Stay on a yacht.

Yeah, but you're going to get idiots on yachts, John.

You're going to get

the only people on the yachts.

But then you're not getting to mix with French people.

No offense to the French people.

So we met with holiday.

Do you want to be with strangers?

Actually,

we got to know

Michaela and Gunter, who were two Germans.

So we had a big meal with them and we had breakfast with them.

And

the couple who

run the chateau were very, very nice.

Okay, chateau, now we're talking.

Yeah, yeah, but then they cook for you, and it's, it's, and so then you have these intense conversations.

So you're staying in a chateau, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

The second one was, yeah, you're not in someone's box room.

No, it's not like no, it's a sort of waiting, queuing up for the shower in the morning.

Because I do picture race across the world at first.

Yeah, no, it's a sort of peculiar French tradition, right?

As is the peculiar French tradition of it being absolutely absolutely impossible to eat after 2 p.m.

What do you mean?

Incredible.

If you're in a small town, all the cafes stop serving food at 2pm.

So like one day,

we'd woken up late dish and had a later breakfast than usual, and then went bird watching because my son likes bird watching.

Is this what you did last time you went to France?

Last year, yeah.

Yeah, so I'm getting mad flashbacks because I was about to say the same thing that I said last time you talked about going to France.

And then this show just implodes.

But then, yeah, so then you're going around the town trying to find anything.

And people look at you like you're insane because you want to have your lunch at a 208.

They don't have a Tesco Express mentality.

Absolutely not.

It was extraordinary.

But yeah,

we got to meet lots of French people.

It was very good.

I do admire it, though.

Like after the sort of fifth cafe, where they said, yeah, we're not serving food.

God, no.

You spoke really good English.

I said, I suppose you need a break, didn't you?

And you went, yeah.

I thought, yeah.

I've been working for two hours.

I've only got three days off this week.

How are they a superpower?

How do they have nuclear weapons?

I love it.

He made the point that he was going to be up and late.

He said, I'll be still here at 11 p.m.

Doing what?

Serving coffee?

Well, it was a bar as well.

That one.

He was like, yeah, I need a break.

He said, I'm not going to work all day.

Because the coffee scene is much later over there.

Yes, it is, yeah.

So it's fair enough, but it's not.

It's nowhere.

But you wonder in Britain, where's all the money going?

Yes.

Because people are spending money all day on Tesco Expresses.

Word for word, what I said to Izzy.

I said,

how is their economy better than ours?

Yeah.

I mean, they have the afternoon off every day.

Most towns are shut one day, one weekday.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And it's random and you can't find out when.

You just get there and everything's shut.

I admire it, though.

I admire it.

Yeah, they've clearly got something working.

I had one of the best meals of my life, and Izzy did A-level French about sort of almost 30 years ago.

And so it was kind of coming back to her as the holiday wore on.

She wanted to tell this waitress, who didn't speak very much English, she wanted to express just how much I'd enjoyed the steak.

And she went to Monpetiama, because she couldn't remember the name for

my husband, my little lover.

She fighted.

my little lover the woman started smoking then she went uh iles iles don't rève un reve de beuf which he's in a reverie of beef

he is in a dream a dream of beef

and again accurately i know my little

she didn't get the response She didn't get the response she was expecting from the waitress.

And then the waitress walked off.

And I thought, I'm not sure that was what you meant it to be.

We googled it.

Yeah, yeah, he is in a dream, a dream of my little lover.

He is in a dream, a dream of beef.

What was the waiter's response?

Sort of, ah.

That is funny, though.

Surely you're laughing at that.

It is funny.

I think she was more confused.

Right, yeah.

But yeah, it was okay.

I admire it.

And I saw a factory in Bordeaux where the Nazis used to make submarines.

Did you really?

So, yeah, yeah.

I've had a great eight days.

It's an amazing country.

You're good on your holidays.

You get a bit of culture in there.

That was all due to my friend Brukhan.

Because my friend Bruchan, my dear friend Brukhan, and his wife Ainir and their kids were in

Bordeaux at the same time as us.

We met for lunch.

Yeah.

Bruchan likes a plan.

And even though it was four kids under the age of 10, he said, right, let's go to a Nazi submarine fight.

Well, it's now like an art gallery.

Like a soft play Nazi actually

with a Luftwaffe ball pool.

But yeah, no, it's good.

Oh, yeah, you've got to do a bit of culture.

I went to an amazing

medieval fort.

Yeah.

Made the kids walk up about 180 steps.

Yeah, it was great.

What a control.

No, I'm not going to move there.

That's just simply not going to happen.

But I do like it and will continue to go.

And because of what Izzy likes to do, I will continue to have intense conversations with German couples for the rest of my life.

Well, yes, great update from Ellis there.

I unfortunately can't talk about my week because I've been working in the commercial publishing arena, Dave.

Oh, you have?

I have.

And it wouldn't be right, fair, or proper, or a good use of license payers' fees to talk about that on this show.

No, but can I just say...

Oh, yeah, Dave.

What were you about to say?

Very proud of you.

Oh, that's nice.

And I'm looking forward to your...

erotic picture book.

Yes.

Which was an interesting...

Like the one Madonna did.

The sex.

But

sort of an anatomically accurate, they're impressionistic, they're sort of abstract.

So it's what does the body mean?

Dreamscapes, yeah, not what does the body look like.

And I am thinking I've got enough time before the deadline on Monday to change the title to A Dream, a dream of beef

lover, my little lover, the dream of beef.

Yeah,

you could call it lust, 12 bodies that changed my life.

Oh, yes, Dave, isn't it?

Wowie.

What would the cover be?

A lot of people making jokes in my DMs about thirst trap adverts that took me so long to get.

I just didn't know what they were talking about.

I kind of think I know what that means, but why is that related to what you're about to publish?

Because the book's called Thirst.

Yes, but Div.

Yes, I know.

So the adverts are a Thirst Trap because I look so good, Dave.

Okay, okay.

Yes, you do.

If I wear my glasses and do my hair and pick the right t-shirt and fiddle with the lights for about 45 minutes and get the shadows in the right place.

And put makeup.

I'd put makeup on and get a stand-in.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm worried I've got old, starting to get old man's bum.

What is that?

Ah, I'm.

Oh, sorry.

Who would be showing off?

What?

You're getting young man's bum.

Yeah.

I've actually had to go up an underpants size.

Well, your bum's getting bigger.

Bum'cause I'm doing so many Bulgarian splits squats.

I've had to go from small to medium because my bum's now massive.

Medium.

Yeah, but in terms of proportion.

Okay.

Okay.

So I just caught my bum in the mirror and thought, hang on.

I've seen that on old men getting changed on the beach.

You sure?

Also, I might be losing my hair.

No.

No.

No.

Where?

I don't know.

I had a hair scare in the toilet earlier, but they've got the lights.

go down on you.

Oh, I mean, as in they

point down at you.

does that fill you with dread when a light points down you see through you see your scalp through your hair

i was 14 years old and it's not getting any worse i've had i was petrified since the age of 16 when someone said to me i remember it vividly at school in music class they went oh dave you got a your crown's showing on top there that's you off that's you on the go and i was like you are and i went home and lo and behold it was it was thin on top turns out i just never noticed for the previous however many years it had always been thin on top.

It's always remained a little bit thin on top.

I think

I might.

No, I've got no hair to molt, really.

No, but do you ever notice some hairs in the in the I'm not talking like big handfuls of hair, but like eight hairs in the bath if you wash your hair in the bath.

That's normal, isn't it?

Yeah, eight hairs is, yeah.

Maybe from your groin.

That's true.

That's true.

How long is his groin here?

Roughly the same sort of length as his head here, I'd imagine.

I would have thought so.

Yeah.

Okay, so I'm not going bald, but i may have an old man's bum i can't have an old man's bum the amount of running i do no and i do squats as well yeah you've got a dodgy mirror there

i don't think you lose dodgy i think you i think you look good i think i'm gaining my hair yeah yeah i think so yeah you're gaining your hair your bum look great uh point your head down oh you're fine you're fine

you're all right um so anyway uh yes so uh dave and i and are anecdotalist because of what we've been doing this week we've been just driving around the country uh looking for good causes to donate 50 to 60 pounds each um to and we take our blank checks and we say

hi we work for the bbc and we're going around the country giving to good causes and their eyes light up they some of them are moved to tears yeah uh and then dressed up as pudzy you're dressed up as pudzy and then when that check for 60 50 to 60 quid lands on them they some of them have actually been a little bit rude yeah

um yeah especially when pudsies start swearing they don't like that atom and one lady said we were expecting more from the BBC.

And I said,

you will be thankful for this 526.

You'll get what you're given.

And you'll like it.

And do you like it?

So, obviously, yeah, we're driving around the country for no reason whatsoever.

Please, sir, can I have a bigger charity check?

No.

Yeah, because the checks are enormous.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So we put together a little package for you of

Ellis and John's Road to Nowhere.

Welcome to Ellis and John on the road.

I can't say where we've just come from, but safe to say we have travelled and we have lodged.

And what an experience it was.

I'm giving it, within the bounds of what it's trying to do,

I'm giving it 4.7 out of 5.

Are you?

Yeah, okay, yeah, yeah, fair enough.

So is it losing that valuable 0.3?

Well, this is a problem across an awful lot of

outlets, brands, where, okay, look, let me just start at the beginning.

When you are making

coffee for a lot of people bean to cup,

the cheapest and most effective way to do that is to go for dark roast beans.

Yes.

Because they can handle the slings and arrows of milk, sugar, oat milk, the brickbats.

The brick bats, the cat calls.

So it's a very robust, no pun intended.

It's also what people, a lot of people who aren't fourth-wave coffee lovers, what they expect coffee to taste like.

Should.

And I'm not a fourth-wave coffee lover.

No.

I like dark roast coffee.

That is my roast of choice.

Yeah, yeah.

You're camp coffee.

I'm camp coffee.

You're camp John.

It's over-roasted.

It was burnt.

And often, when you're getting those machine coffees that grind and then

press,

it's too roasted.

Yes, I had more of a problem with the complete lack of phone signal.

Yeah, but that's not a problem for the hotel.

That's a problem for, believe it or not, the entire county.

Yes.

Cambridge to Norwich, which we drove yesterday to see Dave's uncle.

Didn't we, Dave?

Yeah.

Yeah, and he was doing really well.

Hi, Alan.

Yeah, hi, Alan.

We're going around the country doing various.

I wish he'd had his teeth in.

We're just having adventures.

You two thought you were spending too much time with your wives and kids.

Yeah.

I thought I was spending too much time with myself.

Yeah.

So we thought, let's start off by visiting Dave's uncle in Norwich.

Yes, yes.

And just get on some of those blooming highways and byways of this fantastic nation.

And we're going to go and see John's auntie in Bristol.

Yeah.

Auntie Val.

Auntie Val.

Looking forward to seeing her.

She'll make us a scon.

Yeah.

So anyway, between

she swears.

Yeah.

Between Cambridge and Norwich,

E.

I was on E on my phone.

Not E E.

E that you used to get in the 90s.

And not ecstasy.

And no, not ecstasy.

And it's a disgrace

because it's the flattest county in the country.

So there's nothing getting in the way of the signal.

What's happening there?

It's just unacceptable.

It is.

On a major A-road

to be on E for 58 miles.

So apart from taking their roast down one notch, I would have given it a five.

What a fantastic review.

Yeah.

And they were friendly.

Yeah, veggie sausages.

Yeah.

I thought the ones in the buffet were display models.

Yeah, measured.

I ordered some, so the woman said, well, I don't want these.

And I thought, well, they were just for show.

So.

Yeah, like plastic fruit.

So what did everyone have for their breakfasts?

Scramby egg.

Yeah.

Yeah, I scrambled.

Mushrooms.

Yeah.

I mushed.

I mushed.

I mushed.

I was going to leave it at that.

Really?

But then I saw saw a sausage.

Yes.

So I had one sausage.

Right.

And then I did a bit of work

on the E, which was tricky.

So I bought, because I'm earning, I bought my own Wi-Fi for 24 hours.

Well done.

Was it good, though?

It worked a treat.

Okay.

It really did.

I had, I scrambled.

Did you?

Three sausages, some bacon, beans, and two yogurts.

Wow.

And two coffees.

Are we seeing waters?

Is there a crash coming around the corner?

No, I'm going to feel great now until at least Sunday.

What about you, John?

I had three veggie sausages, two slices of white toast, beans, two hash browns, some mushrooms, and half a coffee because I couldn't finish it so disgusting.

So then I went to my room where I've got my little Tupperware box full of emergency items, and I used a coffee bag.

Oh, did you?

They do work.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But yes, the morning after the night before,

Yeah.

At Dave's uncle Alan.

Yeah.

I thought you were the best you've ever been.

Oh, thanks, Matt.

I thought you were fantastic.

I thought.

And it was great to be in your presence.

Oh, that's really kind.

I thought you had work to do.

We're finding our feet.

Yeah, there were a couple of conversations we had with Alan

that we'll work on for Val.

Yes.

Yes.

So when we get to Val, we'll just be getting to the crux of what that conversation is about.

And I said to Giles, actually, when we see Val tonight,

we need the music to get louder before the lights go down.

Yes.

To signify the start of our conversation with Val.

Because John was so good at meeting Uncle Alan, tonight before we meet Auntie Val, I'm just going to whisper in John's ear, fly, John, fly.

And I want you to just stretch your legs.

Yeah, Ellis has given me the wings to fly.

Well, he cheerleads you.

You tell him he needs work done on this.

Yeah, but I can.

Yeah, it's because I'm great and he's out of practice.

We don't lie to each other, Dave.

No, and that's...

I wish we did.

We're realists.

I wish we weren't.

Do you want to explain who Giles is on this trip around the country to see?

Giles is our tour

manager on our trip to see family members.

And

I can't wait to see Uncle Mirion in Cardiff on Saturday night.

There is a point at which this conversation is very confusing to people.

Really?

Yeah.

If they, for example, don't know that we're currently on a tour of the UK.

We can say we're on a tour of the UK.

That's what we're doing.

So we're now on the...

Giles, what road are we on?

A14.

We're on the A14, taking a controversial cross-UK

route to Bristol.

And you're joining us, watching John teaching a grandmother to suck eggs live.

Because just before he started recording, John said to Dave, someone who's worked in audio for 20 years, make sure there there are mic muffs, Dave.

Because there's lots of extremely.

So when Giles said we were going M5 across to Birmingham and then M5,

I said, I don't believe you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then you check the Google map in front of him, which I think made Giles feel fantastic.

I checked Waze.

I think Waze is too dramatic.

What do you mean?

It does sometimes.

It's like, oh, God, there's a...

Oh, no, there's a bin in a road.

So you'd better go somewhere else, please.

There's a bin in the road in nine miles.

There's a bin in the road in eight miles.

Is the bin still there?

Kill out Waze.

Whereas Google Maps is like, it will be fine.

Someone will have moved it.

Oh, but it's one of the big green ones.

Google smokes a bifter.

Yeah.

So it's a bit more chill about the whole situation.

Google has a spliff and chills out and gets some biscuits.

Waze

drinks too much coffee and is extremely unconscious.

So what is this?

So

a little diary of, and we'll do this for a few weeks, won't we?

Yes, well, I've already got, because I drove up with Giles yesterday, and we're in a tour van for the first time in my career, and I love it.

There's a table, there's four cup holders, there's a wireless charger.

Wooden knives and forks.

There are six wooden seats facing each other.

We're basically in a mobile conference home.

Yeah.

This is incredible.

It does feel important.

Hannah has asked me four times now for pictures of the van.

She is obsessed with what this van looks like.

Shall I take a photo of the van for her?

Yeah, defo.

This could be good for the carrot as well.

Right, I'll get photos of you and Alice.

Portrait or landscape, Dave.

Go.

I'm just going to turn on the electric lights.

Go portrait.

Do you want me to turn the blue ones on?

Yeah.

Is it it?

Go portrait, but give us a bit of distance back if you can.

Is that possible?

Here we go.

You don't have to lean in, Dave?

No.

Can I do the thumb up still?

Great stuff.

Does anybody want to stop at the Westwood Farm Shop South on the M5?

Yes, we'll stop.

Oh, that's a bit far.

Well, yeah, because we could stop at Gloucester services, Dave.

Have you ever been?

Well,

more excitingly is I've never been to a services with John.

Haven't you?

No.

I would dial down that excitement.

It's like going to the gym with the rock.

You're just finding them

in their own.

I could be body by mark, but at services.

Hi, my name's John.

I stop people who go to services to find out what they like about services.

Yeah, okay, check out my Insta.

Oh, maybe do we go Norton Keynes?

No, because we're not going on the

toll.

We're not going on the toll, Dave.

There we are.

We're getting to Bristol a little bit early because before we see Auntie Val, Ellis wants to watch the football.

Yeah, where's the play in Kazakhstan at the annoying kickoff time at 3 p.m.

That's perfect for this, though?

It's perfect for this.

Yeah, it means I don't get to miss the game, but it's annoying for most supporters, obviously, who are at work.

I want to do some work, and Dave wants to buy an eighth.

I don't.

You do.

I want to meet the mayor of Thornbury.

Oh, yeah, you do actually want to meet the mayor of Thornbury.

Who deals me by eighths?

Yeah, yeah.

Okay, here we are.

We're in the long spaces.

And

a huge bonus of the fact that we are going

M5

and not M4 is we get to stop in heaven.

The Gay Club.

What?

The Gay Club.

Yeah, we get to stop at the Gay Club in Embankment, where Freddie Mercury used to go, and I believe where he met his boyfriend Jim Hutton.

Oh, really?

And his chat-up line was, how big's your n ⁇ ?

It's true.

It's a bit like your chat-up line.

So

we are within, I'm going to say, 200 yards of Gloucester services, built into the landscape, which was crucial in securing planning permission.

Moto tried to stop them.

Roadchef tried to stop them.

Welcome Break tried to stop them.

At Taylor's

tailors oldest time.

They failed.

Permission was granted to place a services equidistant from Strencham

and

Michael Wood.

Thank you, Giles.

So here we go.

Giles gets you.

Yeah.

Dave, are you ready?

You've not been here before.

Have you been here before Elis?

No, been to TB.

I came here the week it opened and I was in the local paper.

Yeah, cool.

Cool.

I probably have.

Which I mean, you probably have.

Well, this isn't, you won't like to hear this.

I don't ever remember what service station.

If you would remember this, I'd probably been to Disney with it.

Oh, yes, that's true.

Oh, no, Elisa's watching a football match.

We're getting there an hour early for no reason whatsoever.

So, forgive me if I take the time to enjoy my service station.

Clip on your microphone, John.

Look like a YouTuber.

Oh, no.

I'm carrying my microphone, Dave.

Here we go.

Here we go.

I'm going to have a pie.

Okay, so we're hopping out of the van.

We're in the long spaces, Dave.

We're in the long spaces.

Is that a metaphor for life?

I think it is, yeah.

We get to see the Winnebago

pick up trucks.

We look like we're trying to monetize our TikTok.

Alice, last time we did one of these, we had wired mics at a winter wonder in high school.

I just feel uncomfortable doing this stuff

in general.

Steady stream of vehicles.

Also, I don't like Supervisor.

They know what's right.

They know what's wrong.

I do love the way it's been built into the landscape, though.

I think that's a really nice touch.

They understand buying local.

John actually has a different walk when he's striding into a services.

I always think there's a certain walk that fans have on the way to football matches.

There's a certain walk boxers have when they're walking into the ring.

But there's a sort of purposeful nature to his pre-services gait.

He just talking to himself.

I know he's such a weird guy.

Weathered wood.

But he is a valued friend.

I like the guy.

Oh, people are waving at us, Dave, because they think we're vloggers.

That was absolutely what I wanted to avoid.

So to paint the picture, John is

12 feet ahead of me in Alice.

Yeah.

In his element.

Dave, I feel like a complete div.

Do I have to keep talking into my mic?

Can I not just go by some content?

You know,

ham.

The revolving doors here

signal our entry into another realm.

John?

Yep.

Will it be nicer coffee than usual in this?

Yeah, it would be nicer.

I think I might be.

Right, we're going through a revolving door.

Dave, what do you think?

Look at the atrium.

Oh, it is nice.

It is nice.

Of course, it's nice.

It's wood.

It's got wood.

I've never been here before.

Well, let's go to the farm shop, Dave.

When I did my GSSE business studies, my coursework was on service stations.

Was it?

Yeah, yeah.

How have you never mentioned this?

I'm sure I have.

I got an A for.

I've never mentioned it.

Well, anyway.

Why I want to read it?

This was...

I got an A star for it.

You still got it?

Of course not.

Why not?

Well, I don't know where it ended up.

Anyway.

It was 1995.

No, 1997, it would have been handwritten.

But one of the things I remember was that the reason services...

I mean, this is 30 years old, this piece of information.

One of the reasons services didn't have things like cinemas and bowling alleys was that they weren't meant to be destinations.

Yeah, they were meant to be somewhere that you would stop off if you were hungry, needed a toilet, needed a drink, needed petrol.

This is a destination.

This is a lifestyle choice.

This is a lifestyle.

Look at the charcoal bread.

I know.

There's, what, 10 different types of bread?

Easy.

I feel like a complete pilot.

I hate this.

Yeah, this is not comfortable.

I just don't.

I don't like looking like I'm

like I want attention.

And at the moment, I'm standing in the middle of a service station with a microphone and a lady's looking at me.

Right, in it goes into the pocket.

Dave, bye, love you, Dave.

Bye.

Love you, Alice.

Bye.

We'll be back shortly.

Well, we're back in the van, Dave.

And

as I walked through the

Ford Cougar,

the M3s, the Defenders, the Q1s.

I

felt I had experienced something very special.

Two members of staff told me to have a nice day.

How did they?

And I'm going to do just that.

I noticed people walking, going for a walk on the verges.

These are not the verges of your regular service stations.

Little patches of grass where they take their dogs to pee and poo.

These are the orchards of our mind.

Can I say something?

Yes.

This happened when I was at TB.

I actually became not overwhelmed by choice, but paralyzed by choice.

Oh, yeah.

I had to say no sweet stuff, because the cakes were just too amazing.

Well, bearing in mind that I've just come back from Bordeaux.

Yep.

There is better cheese in that service station than there is in France.

And so I had a look at the cheese and I felt dizzy.

I had a look at the monkfish and my legs gave way.

And I thought to myself, I just need to eat something and leave because I could have spent a grand in there.

What did you go for?

Lasagna salad, cashew nuts and strawberries.

Oh, what do you go for, Dave?

I went for a chicken Caesar salad wrap and a Scotch egg on discount.

Oh, lovely.

I also went for a discounted vegetarian Scotch egg, some big thick crisps, some local piccolilly,

and

a samosa.

The cheese.

The cheese.

There's a butcher.

There isn't a butcher in my town.

The cheese.

Yeah.

I like cheese, but the cheese.

There are two flavours of meringue cloud.

Oh my god.

Anyway, we're back in the van, back on the move.

Tavals.

Oh, yeah, of course.

Yeah.

Back to Val's in the balance van.

The

balance van.

Toilets, 10 out of 10.

Oh, I didn't go to the toilets.

10 out of 10.

You've just changed the marking system.

We were 5 out of 10.

5 out of 5.

a hundred out of a hundred six out of a million wow the million out of a million cubicles are fully separated from there's no gaps you are fully within your own shrine yeah yeah shrine and there's just a guy there cleaning constantly oh there's no i mean i couldn't have asked for any more the

soap dispensers two of the automatic soap dispensers didn't work but that's automatic soap dispensers i also think that's the technology we we never needed yes true because shall i eat my scotch scotch egg now?

I think we can all eat.

Yeah, great.

Okay.

And then we'll be at Val's in about 45 minutes.

Love you.

Love you, Dave.

Love you, Dave.

Love you, Ellis.

Love you.

Bye.

Anyway, back to us in the studio.

Hello, Ellis and John.

Oh, hey, John, you look very handsome.

You've been working out.

Wowie.

What exercises do you do?

Do you do specific willy ones?

Yeah, text me.

Text me.

Okay.

Bye-bye.

Bye.

Well, there you go.

I hope they enjoyed their big charity check.

Yep.

I think now it's time we played.

Actually, though, in that clip, we were going to Auntie Val,

Uncle Alan.

Yes.

And Uncle Jim.

And

charity begins at home.

Yes.

Anyway, the real destination will never be revealed.

But we're driving around the country for a number of reasons.

Yes.

And we'll be keeping you updated with our travels across the UK for various reasons, whether it's to visit friends and family, whether it's to go to the least populated areas of the coast.

Yeah, whether it's to throw a cricket ball onto some gorse.

Yes.

Or whether it's to clean up some graffiti, actually.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I would quite like to go to Cardiff tomorrow to clean up some graffiti.

Would you?

Yes.

Let's do it.

Okay, great.

See you there.

And on the way and on the way back.

Right.

We love playing your made-up games.

Keep sending them in to ellisandjohn at bbc.co.uk.

Keep sending in your Shane Wells and your mad dads.

But Dave, hit us.

Made-up game, of course.

Yep.

Got a new jingle.

Ooh.

Bonjour to our precious petitois.

Oh, well, this is on brand for Ellis's Getaway.

On the second night in our chateau room,

there were approximately 2,000 gnats on the ceiling.

Oh, no.

And do they bite?

Yeah.

What did you do about them?

I told the lady and she hoovered them off the ceiling.

Huh.

Which I'd never seen before.

And they stayed there patiently.

Yeah.

They're thick.

Like they're being abducted by aliens.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But I did get bitten.

So it felt like my legs were on fire for the last four days.

Oh, no.

But it was all right.

How do people in their own countries not get bitten?

I always think.

In Portugal.

I got absolutely torn to shreds.

Ravaged.

And if you see the Portuguese,

it is blemishless.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What are they doing?

Well, they're feasting on Brits, aren't they?

Why, though?

Why do they go for the Brits and not the Portuguese?

Foreign blood, Dave.

Yeah, are you sure about it?

Are you making this up?

Well, if you were to live on the west coast of Scotland, you would not be able to leave your house for three months of the year.

Oh my god, midges, yeah.

Yeah, really.

Have you seen videos of people getting trapped in their tents?

It is mad.

The sky is dark with midges.

Oh, my lord.

And they bite.

Yeah, yeah.

At morning and evening.

It's the worst.

Anyway, Petit Poi.

In honor of John's love of Levine.

Avril.

Yeah, yeah.

Do you love her?

Because I love her.

You're an Avril fan.

I'd marry her, yeah.

You're an avid Avril, aren't you?

Yeah.

We've recorded.

Let me get the name first.

This is Becca and Tom.

Aspiring retro wanners from Leith.

Oh, lovely.

Lovely Leith.

Lovely, lovely Leith.

We've recorded a made-up games jingle in the early Avril style.

I cannot wait to hear this.

Nice, nice,

We hope you enjoy it.

We appreciate it.

It may not be editorially justifiable to mention this on air.

Shall I carry on?

Okay.

But Becca writes and produces a very different kind of music under the name Shears.

S-H-E-A-R-S.

And has a debut album out on the 10th of October, the day before my birthday.

So they'd be in the

section next to Shearwater, who are a band I like.

And Jake Shears from Scissor Sisters.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I was thinking of that fall full lyric.

Oh, that's Shears stuck in Alamaches.

All right.

She's an entirely independent artist and she'll be featured.

She'll be a featured artist on BBC Introducing in Scotland later this year.

Wow.

That is good stuff.

She's on the lesser streaming platforms too, of course, but why settle for those?

Keep it.

Hashtag BBC Sounds.

Most importantly, massive thanks from us to you and the amazing team for making us laugh so much over the years.

Okay.

It's a Levine-inspired Made Up Games jingle.

Let's hear it.

Even threats oppressed, or psychosexually repressed.

They're always ready to play.

Keep it like Ellis gets excuses in early.

When John's broke down, he can't become surly.

They quiz masterman adjudicating.

The youngest presenters on the hottest station.

Made of games, made of games.

Made of games, made of games.

How many food bottles were born in Camarin?

What's the market value of a nice and full of farthings?

Made of games, made up games.

Wow.

Wowie, wowie, wowie.

Love it.

Do you know what?

That actually reminds me more than ever Levine of Nico Case's album, The Worse Things Get, The Harder I Fight, The Harder I Fight, The More I Love You.

If you listen to the track City Swan, City Swan and Man,

that's what that is.

Is it?

Yeah, big time.

We do have talented listeners to find out.

Very talented.

Thank thank you so much for that and best of luck with shears thank you shears i really enjoyed that uh so thank you becca and tom scores on the doors ellis's shock win in international place guesstimation last week brought the score to 40 30 to john in the third game of the second set john you are leading two love in games and one love in sets yeah

um

so ah L

we can't let, well, you can't.

I've not got sides in this, but you can't let John get to three love up in games can you?

It's 40 30 yeah it's 40 30.

Okay, yeah

Take it to juice man Take it to juice.

We've never had a juice have we not

Just to drag out the scoring system even more and there's nothing wrong with it.

It works.

It works as a system this week's game is from Craig in Suffolk.

Hello, my plucky little Pop-Tarts Despite some cracking mad dad stories and some deeply unresolved shame, I've never thought it was worthwhile me writing in.

Oh, it's always worth writing in.

Oh, absolutely, but I imagine shame in particular.

People are always on the fence as to whether they want to reveal the shame, of course.

But our shame-well

contributions are anonymous.

Yeah.

Yes.

Even if they do put their names on them, we take them off.

You're right, John.

I've got a pain in my eye again, Dave.

Your pain in your eye.

Yeah.

Just a shooting pain that goes from my eye to my neck.

Great.

Ellis, you can take him down here in this made-up game.

He is distracted.

Much if I don't.

Yeah.

That was until my partner, Deborah, and I made up a game that we felt you needed to play.

It's called How Low Can You Go?

And it works like this.

Dave will give you a quantifiable category.

I think this is a fun game.

Why are you upset about quantifiable categories?

Because

I can't.

Would you be happy if he said unquantifiable category?

No, I think it's alright.

It's okay.

There's nothing.

Not asking me to measure credit.

No, no, no.

We wouldn't put you through that again.

Thanks.

uh each player then has to list things in that category in descending order okay they have to see how low they can go when they when they name something that isn't lower than the previous thing they're out a point is received for each item correctly named i like it so it might be like grossing films highest mountains that sort of thing exactly that for example dave says football ground capacities in the uk john goes first and would want to start with the highest number he can so he says wemberly sure sure sure sure he then lists football stadiums until he lists one where the capacity isn't lower than the one before sure sure sure

five stadiums gets five points sure so you just got to be careful it's a time uh no time okay no time but you know but you have to name you have to give an amount you can you can do or is it just live in the moment it's as far through as you can get okay because there will be i think there'll be a point earlier than you think that you'll have just taken too big a jump to get lower big time and then there'll be nowhere else to go so we're doing it on our own yes you're gonna have headphones on there'll be sound improved games.

Love it.

Love it.

You'll take it in turns with each category.

And when a player is not in play, they must enter the booth.

Sorry, I've just said that.

And close their eyes to stop the Brad Pitt fiasco from repeating.

Yeah.

I hold my hands up to that.

Pitgate.

I hope the game isn't too controversial.

And most importantly, I hope it works.

Oh, it'll work.

It's great.

Lovely.

Thank you, Craig.

Right, are we ready?

Yeah.

All right, then.

John can go first.

Okay.

We don't toss coins anymore.

Oh, God.

Toss a coin.

We don't back cash in this.

Sorry, go on.

Yeah, let's do that.

We'll cost a toy.

Tears for Wheels.

Can Fonnigumbrie, please?

It is Queens for Queen.

And how many rounds are there?

Three.

I will go first.

Go first.

Okay, here come the headphones with.

Is it anything he wants to listen to or go for it?

Oh, can I have...

Oh, yeah, but I can, please.

Loud.

Wait for Ellis to I think that little jolt in Ellis means the music is on okay he's canning away he's got can in his can okay John yep round one probably the more quantifiable actually of the round one they all have to be quantifiable

apologies

apologies for that what what do I mean uh that the simpler of the ways to quantify yeah uh followers on instagram okay

And off you go.

Taylor Swift.

He's gone straight for Swift, and why not?

It's a strong start.

A new album out, of course.

Recently got

engaged to Travis Couch.

Congratulations, Taylor.

Yeah, I don't care.

I'm just trying to fill the gap whilst we get the information.

Okay, so you're getting the number.

282 million.

Okay.

Well done, John.

So next, I will go for

Sabrina Carpenter.

Sabrina SC.

He's sticking with the female pop star.

And it's a strong move because they're young, they're relevant, they're both on Instagram.

They will have an audience.

wow

it isn't bad but what a drop oh yeah it's always gonna be a drop uh 48.7 million for sabrina carpenter john has two points okay we move to three this is a good go uh next i am going to go for

oh this is tricky because you need someone big but not massive but i mean you you yeah absolutely but you could go higher by accident here quite easily i think if you're careful um i'm going to go for

Bonno.

Bonno, I think we've

I think we've been down the Bonno route before.

I don't think Bonno has an Instagram.

He's not on Instagram.

Okay.

Um, so I retract Bonno if Bonno's not on there.

Is he not on there?

It's not there.

Do you know what?

Do you know what?

Let's let you continue and we'll do the same for Ellis.

We probably should

probably should have made a rule that if you pick someone that isn't on, it stops there, but we'll have consistency across the round.

Okay.

So it's okay.

Go again.

So I will go for

Billie Eilish.

Billie Eilish.

I wonder whether you might be in trouble here, John.

Really?

More than 48 million.

Well, she's just been around a lot longer.

I don't know.

I think.

Ah, John, 124 million.

You're kidding me.

I would not kid you and join a made-up game.

Bluminak, that's a lot.

It's a lot, and it's two points for John.

That's no good, is it?

I don't know.

I don't know.

I'm done.

I'm duck.

I'm a dead duck.

You're a dumb and you're a dungeon.

You're a dun.

You're a dead duck.

Done.

Yeah.

Alice!

Open your eyes.

Whip them off.

God, that was fantastic.

Is that fun?

I'm not going to tell you how John's done.

Well, I can work it out because I've listened to so much of that song.

So he must have done absolutely sensationally.

No, well, the way the game works is, you know, there is a bit of time that needs to be thought about as we're checking.

For this round, to add consistency and to make sure it's fair for both, if you name anyone that isn't on the platform that we talk about, you get to go again with someone else's name.

So the round is followers on Instagram.

Okay.

if you name someone that's not on the gram, you're still in play, you get another chance because this is this is may or may not have won.

And I've got to go high to low, got to go high to low.

What's your first pick?

Um, Taylor Swift, straighten with Swift, of course,

220, 282 million.

Oh,

that's good.

No, well, I can't do my next one then.

What?

Oh, really?

No,

okay,

You should name anyone.

Ed Sheeran.

Edge.

I think that's a really good shout.

I think that's a good shout because I think he'll be up there,

but

he's not knocking Swifty off.

Or is he?

Or is he?

He's not.

You're all right.

49.3 million.

It's a hell of a drop.

49.3 million.

It just shows the level that Swifty's dealing at.

Okay.

Oh, really?

Is that all?

Two points.

You got Luca Modrich.

I think you'll be safe.

Oh!

That's a really smart guess.

37 million.

39 million.

Yeah, because obviously he's invested in the Swans.

39 million.

That's a really good answer off the back of a 49 mil sheer run.

So you've got three points.

Killy and Mbappe.

Killy's gone to...

He's in his safe place.

He's in football.

I don't really follow footballers on Instagram because they tend to be quite boring.

I think Mbappe is going to be more than Modric.

Sure.

Do you not But Modric has had a longer career.

No, but he was around before.

Okay, just tell me.

Yeah.

Mbappe's 125 million.

Is he?

Well, well done to him.

So what happens to Mr.

He's the most expensive footballer in history, isn't he?

He was at one point, yeah.

So it happens to me.

So you've got as far, you got three, you got through three, so you got three points.

Is that it?

John, I was going to start with Ronaldo because he's like 700 million or something.

Well, it's all right.

You know, John got two, you got three.

Wow, okay.

Yeah, Yeah, I made a big error.

Well, how many is Olivia Rodrigo got?

Oh, let's not go into this.

I want to know.

Do we want to tell me?

Look it up on your phone.

I haven't got my phone.

39.5 million.

I should have gone for her.

She's new to the game.

I was thinking about her.

So, Elle, you got three points.

We're going to go cumulative.

This is horrible.

Because it's exciting.

This is an awesome thing.

I like it, guys.

I was so.

Because once you get down into the millions, we could just do comedians.

Yeah.

So So I wanted to get to 250,000 because then I got like six in the bag.

But then you need to, maybe you just take the hits and just get down there quickly.

That's what I should have done.

Yeah, and then I wanted to get down into the dozens.

I was just going to do my mum and my sister headphones.

You could have done.

You could have done.

All right.

It's 3-2 to Alice.

We're going to go cumulative.

Headphones, please.

I mean, Michael,

very optimistically, Michael.

Michael gave that around rows of 20.

I think I might have accidentally triggered something with my hands on these heads.

No, that's what Canaman sounds.

Because that's the problem.

I would like to listen to Mdo Mokta Afrik Vic Team.

Michael.

Oh, the sound, the noise cancelling on these is out of this world.

An approving nod from producer Michael.

I can barely hear you, and they're not even on.

No.

How many has gotten?

Oh,

John's done the T-sign with his hands on that show, which I've not seen for a long time.

Look at the

top footballers on their Instagram.

Yeah.

I know that Ronaldo's

like half a billion people or something insane, but

anyway.

Anyway, you're three to up, mate.

Interesting round here.

Happiness of countries.

And there is a measurement of countries.

Yes, I know.

I'm fascinated.

Well, let's.

So what we're going to do is go from happiest to unhappiest.

Okay.

Because it's how low can you go?

So we're trying to see how mentally low these countries are.

So data taken from 2024's World Happiness Reports,

which is a thing.

Yeah.

Hit us with a country out.

Finland.

Finland.

I know it's up there.

I know it's up there.

You've got to be careful now because there's a few that are.

Now, Finland, I'm going to tell you.

Yeah.

Our first.

Yeah.

Well done.

New Zealand.

New Zealand.

It tends to be the small egalitarian countries.

Yeah.

New Zealand, of course, you're in place still because you went from one.

New Zealand, our 11th.

Okay, I sort of want to steer clear from of Scandinavia.

I would have stayed in Scandinavia for a little longer there.

Yeah, I thought New Zealand were number two.

I don't know why I thought that.

I'm going to shoot for the moon, France.

He's going for France.

He's familiar with the nation.

He's stayed in their houses.

France is 27th.

You've got yourself three points.

Okay.

But you're hurtling through the countries, Al, as well, you know.

Australia.

Australia.

Are they more miserable than france

you're out on three you've you're bust where australia 10th are they really yeah britain are in the 60s britain's in the 60s i thought britain was in the 60s where where's britain michael just for in just out of interest

20 oh 20

doesn't tell you my experience last couple of years have been tough though haven't they

I wonder what it was in 2020.

Denmark and...

I mean, you've still got the things on Denmark and Sweden.

I mean, that's where we want to be isn't it uh headphones off john um

if any of you complete the table that michael's done for each round i'll give you 200 quid

because he's given you a chance of getting to 20.

um i won't tell you how alice has done yep i'll give you the category though john it's happiness of countries Okay, there is a table of countries and we are taking the data from the 2024's World Happiness Report.

We want you to go from happiest to unhappiest because it's how low can so there's what 200 countries in this, yeah.

Uh, so John very interesting.

Where are you starting?

I mean, it's tricky.

This you've got to kind of, I suppose, like anything, know the data or have been interested in the data, otherwise, this is just shooting in the dark.

Okay, we start with Sweden, he's starting with Sweden,

Sweden, fourth, yeah.

Hmm,

we start with Sweden.

Problem is, you don't want to go too happy, do you

never

been your motto for years

because there's three above that I know and if I hit one of them yeah I will leave

so you want good economy you want good health care you want good schools this is good assessing actually is this what you were thinking about in your head yeah um good weather maybe climate well I don't know no maybe not in fact yeah that's good play um I'm tempted to stay scandy, but I think that's where the danger lies.

Yes, but it'd keep you low.

Yeah.

And it'd give you a chance in the next one.

I don't know.

I'm going New Zealand.

New Zealand is 11th.

Okay, that's good.

That feels significant.

That feels good.

That's a nice jump.

That is a nice jump.

4 to 11 is nice.

I am going to.

Now, am I going to assume that Australians are less happy than New Zealanders?

Ooh.

Interesting.

I'm going to say

I've just got to get some points on the board, and I think that's risky because there's a lot of sun.

So I'm going to go grumpy old Brits.

Really interesting.

Really interesting.

United Kingdom 20th.

Don't believe it.

Brit 20.

20.

You got three points on the board.

Gone.

411.20.

That's not bad.

That's very good gameplay.

It is not bad.

It isn't bad.

That's really good gameplay.

Okay.

I made one crucial mistake and I'm kicking myself, but that's good.

I admire good gameplay.

I'm going to say Portugal.

Portugal.

I don't know.

They're a chirpy bunch when I go over there.

But the economy's not booming.

John.

Yeah.

55.

Okay.

Really?

Four points.

This is good.

I mean, there's a big old jump there, but I mean, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm happy with that.

4, 11, 20, 55.

4th, 11th, 20th, 55th, happiest in the world.

So who's unhappier than Portugal, but not too unhappy?

I am going to say Argentina.

It's risky.

I think it's dangerous territory at this stage, isn't it?

48th.

Oh,

that's good.

I'll take that, though.

They won the last World Cup.

Yeah.

That's going to keep you up, isn't it?

John goes bust on four.

Ellis went bust on three.

Okay.

So we're actually

Finland in at number one.

Yeah.

I should have stayed Scandy.

What did you do?

I went Finland, New Zealand, because I'd read about this, and I thought New Zealand had come second.

So I thought I was being clever.

I should have stayed Scandy.

Okay.

Australia, which you nearly went for, Ellis did go for, and that's what he went bust on, our 10th happiest.

Oh, and I would have gone bust.

Yeah, because New Zealand were 11th.

You would have gone

happy.

So it's a draw.

Excitingly, it's six all going into the final round.

Oh, yeah, by Canagan.

And it's a fun one to end on.

Okay.

Okay, round three is frequency of baby names in 2024.

The baby names will be from the UK.

Okay.

England and Wales are the only stats we could find.

So there, just

think of England and Wales.

Close your eyes and think of England and Wales.

It's from the Office of National Statistics.

We have for this game the top 100 names for girls and boys.

And we can guess girls or boys.

Girls or boys, just please do specify.

Yep.

because they will be different rankings obviously.

If you do guess outside of the top 100, because we want it to be a

points-popular game, a points-rich game,

that's void.

You get to go again.

We go again.

We do not let this slip.

Okay, we go to Norwich.

So, if yeah, if you're out of 100, you uh, you're still in the game, lovely.

We just go to the next name, boys and girls.

Popular to unpopular for the win, John.

Yeah,

uh, Mohammed, Mohammed, John, yep, number one, yep, he's not stupid.

Uh, where are you going?

I'm going

Olivia.

That's a really good shout.

Olivia, also first.

Still in.

What if I pick a name that's both a boy and a girl's name?

Can I combine the two?

Can I get the highest of the two?

No, you need to, I think for every name from now on.

I need to specify gender.

I need to specify.

Okay.

Because they'll be different in the list.

Yeah, I'm going to go for

taylor taylor is it a bit early 2024 for taylor to be bothering the charts boy or girl please john boy boy

i think you might have

but of course if they're not in the list if it's void you get another shot

taylor

Is not in the top 100.

We don't have

to Taylor.

We go to Norwich.

We do not let this slip.

Jack.

Jack.

boy or girl boy boy

tricky these days yeah a lot more fluid and I'm all I'm here for it Jack

22nd okay you're fine yeah

frequency of baby names in the UK top 100 I'm gonna go for

Just gonna try and get some points on the board here, Dave.

Yeah, I'm gonna try and go Sarah.

S-A-R-A-H.

S-A-R-A-H, girl.

I think that'll be a bit lower down.

Yeah, but you'd like to think.

It's a tricky game, this.

You'd like to think they'd be in the mix.

It's an evergreen name, but I just don't think it's ever going to be

top Billy.

630.

We go again.

Okay, I'm going to say.

You're still at 22 with Jack.

What's next?

I'm not.

Alice is going to be good at this because he's in the baby name game.

And it's Wales.

Yeah.

And England but oh yeah

so I will go for

uh poppy poppy it's a nice name it's a lovely name John

it is a lovely name is Poppy big

Poppy's in okay

Poppy's in too too much no

Poppy's eight Oh my goodness me.

Popular name.

Well the old names are coming back in, aren't they?

Yeah no, so I've not done very well there am I?

Well, no, well, who knows?

You got three, yeah, but it's a low, as we've noticed, it's a low-scoring game.

Ellis, headphones off.

Oh, my God, I was having a good time.

Enjoying yourself.

Okay, a few rules to get into play here, so we'll get straight into it.

My friend Poisch played it to me, and I thought, this is music.

What was the song?

Breached music.

What was the song?

Oh, yeah, by Khan.

Oh, still?

Yeah.

Was that on repeat, or is it just a very long song?

Okay.

It's a bit of both.

Ellis.

Yep.

Frequency of baby names in 2024.

Okay.

If it's joint ranked, you get the points and we go again.

Well, like Kerry.

Well, no, like if

no, no.

If it's the same, if you get the 50th ranked boy followed by the 50th ranked girl, you get the points.

Oh, right.

You're in.

You're in because they've drawn essentially.

You go again and you get the points.

So, where are you starting?

Mohamed.

Mohammed

first.

Tony.

No, I'm joking.

We've got to take you first.

Oh, shut up, Dean.

Oh my god.

Go on.

Olivia.

Olivia.

Interesting starts.

First place.

You get both points and you move to the third point because she was also first.

First place girl.

Yeah, you've got first place girl and first place boy there.

Isabel.

Isabel.

I think you're on terra firma there, El.

Isabel will be in the hundred.

It's just how low is it?

Then give you a good chance to continue.

interesting Isabelle's 52nd good

I thought that was gonna be higher as in you know would have given you more

than Isabelle and she said there's loads of them now but when she was young there were no Isabelles which is why I've plumped for Isabelle

Okay, what are the cool names?

Arthur

Arthur for a boy.

Yeah, of course

Isabella was 11th.

I think Arthur might be quite high.

I think Arthur might be high.

Oh, Alice!

You're going bust.

He's fourth.

You're joking.

I wouldn't.

Joke.

No, I know you wouldn't.

I knew...

I thought it would be in the 50s or 60s.

I wouldn't have thought it would be in the top five.

Yeah.

How many did John get?

We've not factored in a tiebreak.

It's nine all.

Is it?

You both got three.

Okay, so what's the tie break?

The tie break question.

Now, we do have a broader list that we can move to for this part of the game.

Where does the name John come in the rankings of baby names in 2024?

Closest wins.

Closest wins.

Tiebreak.

Where does the name John come in the list of UK baby names?

England and Wales.

Ellis will come to you first.

150.

150 for Ellis.

John.

201.

201.

It's 164.

Oh, Ellis takes.

Ellis takes the win.

Wow.

And it's juice.

Brilliant.

Good gameplay.

Good gameplay.

Hardly.

I'm tense.

Yeah.

I'm tense now.

Well, also, the thing is, like, saying,

going Jack, then who did I go after Jack?

After Jack, you went...

Well, you went Sarah.

Yeah.

And then Poppy.

Where was Jack?

Jack was 22nd.

Poppy was 11th.

Poppy was eighth.

Eighth.

But it's not like a mad mistake because there's not going to be a huge difference.

No, they're both very popular names.

It's Australia and Sweden.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Good game, good game, good game.

Apparently time for a Cummry connection.

Yes, time for Ellis to get some more points on the board to see if he can connect with his fellow country people.

But before we get to it, we've had an email sent in by the OG jingle maker, Craig.

Craig says, recently, I've I've been rather challenged by the thought that the jingle was in any way dampening Ellis's chances of success.

I've always thought I should finish the tune properly.

So here's a version with hopefully a more upbeat finish while still retaining realism about his questionable tactics.

Nice.

Because, to be honest, sending Ellis onto the pitch after that jingle is like if

the English national anthem ended in the minor key.

Yeah.

But manager said, try and keep the score dumb, nuts.

We want to see Ellis get back above 50%.

Come on, boyo.

You can do it.

What percentage is Ellis on at the minute?

Ellis is on 44%.

Is that a guess?

No, no, it's just not great.

So I faltered.

That's really bad.

Yeah.

But it's

get backable.

Let's hope we can turn that around with this jingle.

Yeah.

It's another come reconnection.

Ellis thinks his tactics are sheer perfection.

But his questions have one direction

Where did you go to school?

Do you know Daffy Levins?

No,

come on mate, you must do

And then often he will just list a name or three Ignoring John's imploring think like us to

listeners all are hoping if he can elevate his strategy To nifty,

he'll achieve the magic 50.

Ellis go

connect.

Oh,

that is a superhuman effort.

That is incredible.

Thank you, David.

Do you feel better?

I do.

It just puts me in a good mood, though.

Okay.

Here's a little thing we should do.

If you do connect, we will use that version as a mascot until there is no more connections

because

it's quite lengthy, which is lovely and I think that special version should just be played for as long as Ellis is successful okay yeah it's another threat

uh we've had an email last week saw the controversy of Ellis trying to connect with American born and raised Joshua as Dave pointed out had Ellis made a connection it would have been limbs but sadly a connection was not made it was however agreed that the result should be scrubbed from the records and so it has been there's no denying it ellis is on a poor run of form his connection rate stands at 44 percent He's missed three connections in a row.

He needs a win.

Stefan has sent the following suggestion.

Hi, Ellis and crew.

Lift your head up.

Your recent dip in form is not your fault, Ellis.

The original premise was simple.

Outgoing, community-focused Welsh man can make a connection with other Welsh people due to his love of the country and the country itself being on the small side.

Recently though, people have been calling in because they know someone who knows someone who knows Ellis James.

Every time Ellis mentions Bobby the Omelette Davis from football, someone thinks, oh, I know Bobby's piano teacher and rings in.

Ellis doesn't know this person, but they know him.

Get back to the original premise.

Send Dave out to Powys with a mic and stop random people on the street.

Trust me, Ellis, your numbers will rocket.

Stefan in Wimbledon.

It's a good it's a good it's a good observation.

I don't think it is actually.

Good old Bobby the Omelette.

Because someone because surely if the premise is to connect with a random Welsh person, someone who knows Bobby the Omelette, great, but they'll know that there might be other connections.

you know, still, he's trying, John, he's trying to make him feel better.

Yeah, well, yeah, but they're saying the system is flawed, anyway.

Let's find out how this week goes.

Um, can that 44% rate move up to a more but still not hugely respectable 45%?

We have a caller on the line from Wales.

Hello, hello.

The next voice you hear will be that of Ellis James.

He has 60 seconds to find a common connection.

The time starts now.

Agent School,

36 Bringwin.

In Swansea?

In Slenetley.

Oh, in Slenetly.

Oh, okay.

If you went to university, where did you go?

Cardiff.

What did you study?

Philosophy.

Oh, my God.

Perry Roberts used to teach political philosophy there?

No.

Okay, Slenetly Bringwyn.

What primary school do you go to Internetly?

Davin.

Oh, Davin?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Do you know Scott Quinnell?

I know Scott Quinnell.

Yay!

Here we go.

Oh, oh, I'm so pleased.

Clean.

He's so pleased.

Tell us how you know Scott Quinnell.

So my sister used to go out with Scott Quinnell's younger brother, Gavin.

Oh, he's very tall.

He's the biggest man I've ever seen in my life.

He's about 6'10 or something, Gavin.

He's huge.

Scott 1's'.

16 feet.

It's actually a nightmare to be that big.

Well, I was on a plane the other day.

I'm five foot seven.

I thought

any more than this and i'm struggling six foot ten how does it work

it was mad i remember he had size 16 feet so he basically he had a choice between either black or white shoes that he had to get in from america so how but you have met scott on numerous occasions yes because i i used to work for scott's dad uh derek quinnell in the chemical plant some athlete did you yeah yeah just for three weeks it was a strange job but I ended up meeting all the Quinnells for a couple of days.

Oh, wow.

Hletle royalty.

Ellis, how do you know Scott Quinnell?

He, when we did the Distant Pod Arena show, he was one of our special guests.

He's been on this show.

He's a big listener to the show.

He's been on the show.

Yeah, yeah.

He is the king of...

I've Quinnell.

You've Quinnell, he's the king of Hlethly.

Oh, nice.

He's such a lovely blood.

He's nice guy.

He's such a nice guy.

Oh, I remember.

Yes, I remember Quinnelling.

Oh, my God.

And his dad's a rugby legend.

And his brothers played.

They all played Finettely.

Yeah.

This is good.

Sorry, what's your name?

Tim.

Are there any other connections, Tim?

I don't know.

There may be some.

I'm worked in Finnetley for years, so I'm trying to mind.

Do you venture as far afield as Kidwelly?

I've been known to go to Kidwelly.

I've been known to go to Kidwelly.

Do you know my friend Den's from Kidwelly?

I don't.

Garfie Sowin, the sort of BBC World Sports Correspondent, he's from Kidwelly.

No, I don't know him either.

What about the Gravel scene in Kidwelly?

Do you mean Gravel?

No, all right.

No, I don't know that.

To be honest, I'm so glad you went for Quinnell Quick because I was worried the further you went to Cardiff Way,

maybe that would thing.

So I was so pleased you went there and I was rooting for you.

So I'm really pleased.

I used to know a really hard bloke from Darvin

who once told me that he couldn't imagine crying because of pain.

That's me.

No, it's not.

But I can't remember his name.

And

he had the strongest, sturdiest handshake of any human being I've ever met.

But I can't remember his name, but I'm sure you'd know me.

He's only a couple of years older than you.

Are you still living in Tlenethley?

No, so I'm living in London now.

Just moved to Strectom.

Oh, right.

So, yeah, yeah.

Oh, I believe in Tlinetley.

Oh, I do love Tlanethley, to be fair to you.

I've got very fond memories.

I haven't been back in a few years.

That's what a lot of of people have fond memories of Wales.

Most beautiful part of the world.

There's not been a lot of people.

Such fond memories.

I think that was last in the 80s.

Anyway, Tim, nice to meet you.

Thank you for coming on.

Thanks, Mars.

And you, Ellis, honestly, very pleased you got it.

She is, mate.

Bye-bye.

Bye, bye.

Bye-bye.

We needed that.

We did, and it was clean.

Ellis needed that.

Wales needed that.

I thought you were drifting a bit far away from where I knew the gold was there.

Mam worked in Letly for many years, you see, so

they would have been careful, but obviously age then becomes a thorny issue because he's only 36.

It's amazing that he didn't know a philosophy teacher at the university he went to study for the first time.

He was political philosophy.

Okay.

So probably in the politics department.

Yeah.

John Stuart Mills.

Yeah, exactly.

Who I think is that I read his Wikipedia page the other day, the cleverest person who ever lived.

Oh, yeah.

It's extraordinary.

Who is he?

It's John Stuart Mill.

He was a political philosopher and very

covered covered in

a women's rights campaigner

in the like 1720s or whatever.

Like Wordlin 2.

Wordlin 2, but also like translating Greek at five.

Yeah.

Yes.

Yeah.

Which I would find annoying.

Yeah.

Anyway, thanks so much for listening, folks.

We will be back with you very soon next week, won't we, Dave?

Yes.

Yes, we will.

What are you thinking about?

I just, in my head, because we do need to time hop a little bit on these records, just wondering whether the British Podcast Awards are closed.

And the answer is they have, so ignore this.

Thank you for voting.

If you did, we know you have a choice.

And bye.

Bye.

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