#470 - Old Man Bum, A Dream A Dream of Beef and Lust: 12 Bodies That Changed My Life

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If I want your opinion, I'll ask for it, John snarled at Ellis as he slammed his dressing room door. It was the first night of the tour and tensions were already running high.

Ellis had a point, though. It was a little late in the day for John to reveal that he'd arranged sponsorship from Canon printers.

He's going to do the whole show dressed as a giant ink cartridge.

John?

Ellis knocked at the door. What if we say that all our notes are printed using cannon, and you can dress up and do your dance in the interval? There was no reply.

Just the sound of a dressing room door being locked. Ellis went to the green room for crisis talks with Dave.
The truth was, it wasn't about the costume, or the song and dance routine. They knew that.

And it wasn't about the two Edamami beans Ellis had dropped on the tour van floor. That wasn't.

Nor was it really about the fact their driver Giles hadn't let John stop at both Reading and Membury to complete the M4 in his ice by book of service stations.

It was about the travel lodge.

When Ellis, John and Dave and Giles had checked in, the receptionist had allocated them two doubles and two family rooms.

Though the same size, the family rooms came with two additional single beds, a trouser press and double the amount of tea bags, sugar and UHT milk. And that meant one thing.

bragging rights at the breakfast buffet.

It all came down to the toss of a coin and John had tailsed. Her Majesty's face glimmered with cruel disdain as it condemned him to a night in an inferior room.

At breakfast things reached boiling point. Dave and Ellis had pressed their trousers for a laugh and had made badges that said press gang pals.

John saw a handful of instant coffee sachets in the pocket of Dave's combat trousers.

It didn't help that the corn sausages had to be cooked specially, so as everyone tucked into their breakfast showing photos of the forts they'd made with the the extra pillows, John's beans went cold as he waited for the veggie option to arrive.

Dave took the initiative.

What's up, champ?

Nothing.

Is it the rooms? No, I don't care. I've got loads of room.
They actually gave me a secret suite that no one knows about for if the Prime Minister comes.

Every hotel has to have one, and if you say a code word at reception, you get it, and it's got a jacuzzi and bulletproof windows and a bigger kettle.

Dave threw a knowing look to Ellis, who was about to speak. Do they really? Wow, what else has it got? I can't tell you because it's a secret.
Does it have a fridge? It's got two.

One's for Coke and Dr. Pepper and the other's for snacks and they're all free.
Dave nodded at Ellis. Oh wow, John, Ellis said.
That's cool.

My room had none of that, just a crummy old trouser press and a single bed.

I thought they had two single beds and a double, said John, perking up. Oh no, mine had just had one and it was too soft to sleep on or build anything out of and the shower gel was empty

hey john dave chimed in what services do you want to tick off today

strencham and michael would

shall ask giles if we can stop at both they're too close john said and i want to go to gloucester and that's in the middle well we can't go to all three can we but Would you like me to have a word with Giles and see if, maybe, if we stop at the one of the main services and fill up with petrol in the garage at the other?

Would that count to tick it off?

Yes.

Okay, which one would you like to fill up at?

Strencham.

Okay, well, I can't promise, but I'll ask. Just make sure you're ready to go at 10.30 on the dot.

John smiled. Thanks, Dave.

And with that, they all held hands. Corn sausages arrived.
and they said their tour motto out loud.

We are friends. We make mems.
We We tell someone if we're feeling glum. No matter where we go to sleep, our friends and memes are ours to keep.

I thought you said we are friends and we make memes. Yeah, I heard you say that.
We make memes. Yeah, I got it.
We make mems.

Yeah. So there you go.

I tell you one thing, though.

Nice to keep.

It's nice to keep John's

spirits up on

I think we're doing a good job of that.

I love the way you refer to him as champ every 10 minutes.

And then you always know when it's silent time. Yeah, yeah.
Yes. Because the tour bus has to have an awful lot of silence.
And Giles knows that. And it's fine.
It's good. Because we're making memes.

Well, there's a lot of

tongue-in-cheek prodding at yourself there, John. But actually,

none of that, really. Actually, it's been a very

positive, happy start, I feel. Yes, I had two naps.
Yeah. Two naps in two dressing rooms.
Can't complain. Amazed you can do that.
You cannot complain about that. But they're already tidy at the sofas.

So, where are you sleeping? On the floor? Once on the floor, once on the sofa. Eye covers, earplugs, soothing thoughts.

Yeah, there was one time I just heard the tinkling of the piano out of Ellis's dressing room, which was. Yeah, Ellis is practicing his piano.

It was nice. That made me feel like Elton John after having a piano in the dressing room.
Sounded exactly like.

Yeah, thank you.

But how are you, John? Good. Well, that's all that's all my.

I mean, I know exactly.

I was in France. Yes, yes, S has been to France, of course.
On holiday with my family and Bour de la Mer or A la Montagne.

And my sister. Answer the question.
I'm both. You were both.
By the sea and in the mountains. We stayed

on Eurocamp with my sister and brother-in-law and their kids. What's Eurocamp? It's a sort of campsite.
It's a brand, actually. Sorry.
Like centre parks.

No. With tents.
Tents. But also like little sort of lodges, I suppose you'd call them.
Did you stay in a lodge? Plus, static caravans. Talks you through the facilities.

The kids loved it. There's entertainment.
I learnt enough. I got some great ideas for the show.

Rather than what we're doing, I think what we should be doing is getting two vociferous French parents up on stage and making them get dressed in as many clothes as they can in 90 seconds.

Oh, that's very pregnant. Good stuff.
It's continental humour. Yeah, it is.
It's Mr. Bean.
It's Mr. Bean, or you split the children into two halves,

split the room down the middle, and then they've all got to get one half's got to get lots of green things in three minutes, and the other half's got to get lots of blue things, and then they count.

Easier to get green things.

Yes. Because there's very little blue in the natural world.
Yeah, true, but there were handbags,

wallets, pairs of trousers, all sorts of things being checked on stage. It was very anarchic.

Is this the type of place where you could whack your kid in there for the day and actually have a day to yourself? No, it's largely swimming pool-orientated in the day.

So hang on, it's a camping site, but you've got a swimming pool. You're staying in a lodge.
Yeah, yeah. So you can either camp or stay in a lodge or stay in your own campaign.

So talk me through the lodge. What condiments have you got? What's the tea and coffee making facilities? What's the bed facilities like?

None of that stuff. No beds.

No tea or coffee making facilities.

It was a double bed and two single beds. We were in an army camp.

The final bit, we went to near Bordeaux and then we stayed. We did that thing we did last year where we stayed in someone's house and they cook for you and you have very intense conversations.

What is wrong with you? Why don't you just get a really nice hotel? But it was so rich. He loved it.
He loved it.

It's not about the money, John. It's about the community.
Stay in someone else's house, like Rory Stewart trying to get elected for mayor.

Just stay in a hotel. You

idiot.

He loves it.

You love it. You end up.
I've

grown to accept it. Yeah.
Why?

Because I live in such a bad life. No, I think this is really nice.
It's not. Stay on a yacht.

Yeah, but you're going to get idiots on yachts, John. You're going to get idiots.
I'm the only people on the yachts. But then you're not getting to mix with French people.
Well, it's not.

No offence to the French. So we meant holiday.
Do you want to be with strangers? Actually,

we got to know

Michaela and Gunter, who were two Germans. We had a big meal with them and we had breakfast with them.

And

the couple who

run the chateau were very, very nice. Okay, chateau.
Now we're talking. Yeah, yeah, but then they cook for you.
And

so then you have these intense conversations. So you're staying in a chateau.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The second one was, yeah.
You're not in someone's box room.

No, it's not like...

It's like waiting, queuing up for the shower in the morning. Because I do picture race across the world at first.
Yeah, no, it's a sort of, it's a peculiar French tradition. Right.

As is the peculiar French tradition of it being absolutely impossible to eat after 2 p.m.

What do you mean? Incredible. If you're in a small town, all the cafes stop serving food at 2 p.m.

So like one day we'd

woken up late dation at a later breakfast than usual and then went bird bird watching because my son likes bird watching. Is this what you did last time you went to France? Last year, yeah, yeah.

So I'm getting mad flashbacks because I was about to say the same thing that I said last time you talked about going to France. And then this show just implodes.

Yeah, but then, but then, yeah, so then you're going around the town trying to find anything, and people look at you like you're insane because you want to have your lunch at a 208.

They don't have a Tesco Express mentality, absolutely not. It was extraordinary.

But yeah,

we got to meet lots of French people. It was very good.
I do admire it though. Like after the sort of fifth cafe where they said, you know, we're not serving food.
God, no.

You spoke really good English. I said, I suppose you need a break, didn't you? And you went, yeah.

I thought, yeah.

I've been working for two hours.

I've only got three days off this week.

How are they a superpower?

How do they have nuclear weapons? I love love it.

He made the point that he was going to be open late. He said, I'll be still be here at 11 p.m.
Doing what? Serving coffee? Well, it was a bar as well. Yeah, that one.

He was like, yeah, I need a break. He said, I'm not going to work all day.
Because the coffee scene is much later over there. Yes, it is, yeah.
So it's fair enough, but it's not. It's nowhere.

But you wonder in Britain, where's all the money going? Yes. Because people are spending money all day in Tesco Expresses.
Word for word, what I said to Izzy. I said,

how is their economy better than ours? Yeah. I mean, they have the afternoon off every day.
Most towns are shut one day, one weekday. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And it's random and you can't find out when.

You just get there and everything's shut. I admire it, though.

They've clearly got something working. I had one of the best meals of my life.
And Izzy did A-level French about sort of almost 30 years ago.

And so it was kind of coming back to her as the holiday wore on. She wanted to tell this waitress, who didn't speak very much

English, she wanted to express just how much I'd enjoyed the steak. And she went, Mon peti ama, because she couldn't remember the name for my small friend's husband, my little lover.

She fighted at me. I said, Mon peti ama, my little lover.
The woman started smoking, and then she went,

Ilais iles dons unreve un reve de beuf. He's in a reverie of beef.

He is in a dream, a dream of beef,

and again, accurate. I know, my little

she didn't get the response, she didn't get the response she was expecting from the waitress,

and then the waitress walked off. And I thought, I'm not sure that was what you meant it to be.
And we googled it, yeah, yeah. He is in a dream, a dream of my little lover.

He is in a dream, a dream of beef. What was the waiter's response? Sort of, ah,

that is funny, though. Sure, you're laughing at that.
It is funny. I think she was more confused.
Right, yeah. But yeah, it was like

I admire it. And I saw a factory in Bordeaux where the Nazis used to make submarines.
Did you really? So, yeah, yeah. I've had a great eight days.
It's an amazing country.

You're good on your holidays. You get a bit of culture in there.
That was all due to my friend Brukhan.

Because my friend Bruchan, my dear friend Bruchan and his wife Einir and their kids were in were on, we're in Bordeaux at the same time as us. We met for lunch.
Yeah. But Bruchan likes a plan.

And even though it was four kids under the age of 10, he said, right, let's go to a Nazi submarine factory.

Well, it's now like an art gallery. Like a soft play Nazi factory.

With a Luftwaffe ball pool.

Yeah. But yeah, no, it's good.
Oh, yeah, you've got to do a bit of culture. I went to an amazing

medieval fort.

Yeah.

Made the kids walk up about 180 steps. Yeah, it was great.
What a control.

No, I'm not not going to move there. That's just simply not going to happen.
But I do like it and will continue to go. Good.

And because of what Izzy likes to do, I will continue to have to have intense conversations with German couples for the rest of my life. Well, yes, great update from Ellis there.

I unfortunately can't talk about my week because I've been working in the commercial publishing arena, Dave. Oh, you have? I have.

And it wouldn't be right, fair, or proper, or a good use of license payers' fees to talk about that on this show. No, but can I just say, oh, yeah, Dave, what were you about to say? Very proud of you.

Oh, that's nice. And I'm looking forward to your erotic picture book.
Yes. Which was an interesting like the one Madonna did, but sex.

But they're not, they're not sort of an anatomically accurate, they're impressionistic, they're sort of abstract. So it's what does the body mean? Dream escapes.

Yeah, not what does the body look like. And I am thinking I've got enough time before the deadline on Monday to change the title to a dream a dream of beef

my little lovers my little lovers a dream of beef yeah um you could call it lust 12 bodies that changed my life oh yes

isn't it wowie

what would the cover be um

a lot of people making um jokes in my dms about thirst trap adverts that took me so long to get i just didn't know what they were talking about I kind of think I know what that means, but why is that related to what you're about to publish?

Because the book's called Thirst. Yes, but Div.
Yes, I know. So the adverts are a thirst trap because I look so good, Dave.
Okay, okay. Yes, you do.

If I wear my glasses and do my hair and pick the right t-shirt and fiddle with the lights for about 45 minutes and get the shadows in the right place,

and put makeup on and get a stand in. Yeah, yeah.
I'm worried I've got old, starting to get old man's bum.

What is that? Ah, I'm oh, sorry, it would be showing off.

What?

You're getting young man's bum. Yeah.

I've actually had to go up an underpants size. Well, your bum's getting bigger.

My bum's because I'm doing so many Bulgarian splits squats, I've had to go from small to medium because my bum's now massive. Medium.
Yeah, but in terms of proportion.

Okay. Okay.
So I just caught my bum in the mirror and thought, hang on. I've seen that on old men getting changed on the beach.

you sure also i might be losing my hair no no no where i don't know i had a hair scare in the toilet earlier but they've got the lights go down on you oh i mean as in they they point down at you

does that does that fill you with dread when a light points down you can see through you can see your scalp through your hair since i was 14 years old and it's not getting any worse i've had i was petrified since the age of 16 when someone said to me i remember it vividly at school in music class they went oh Dave you got a your crown's showing on top there that's you off that's you on the go and I was like you are and I went home and lo and behold it was it was thin on top turns out I just never noticed for the previous however many years it had always been thin on top it's always remained a little bit thin on top I think do you malt

No, I've got no hair to malt, really. No, but do you ever notice some hairs in the...

I'm not talking like big handfuls of hair, but like eight hairs in the bath if you wash your hair in the the bath. That's normal, isn't it? Yeah, I think eight hairs is, yeah.

That could be from your groin. That's true.
That's true.

How long is his groin here?

Roughly the same sort of length as his head here, I'd imagine. Would have thought so.

Yeah. Okay, so I'm not going bald, but I may have an old man's bum.
I can't have an old man's bum, the amount of running I do. No.
And I do squats as well. Yeah, you've got a dodgy mirror there.

I don't think you're losing hair. I think you look good.
I think I'm gaining my hair. Yeah, I think so.
Yeah, you're gaining your hair. Your bum look great.
Point your your head down. Oh, you're fine.

Oh, you're fine.

You're fine. You're all right.

So anyway, yes, so Dave and I are anecdote-less, because of what we've been doing this week, we've been just driving around the country looking for good causes to donate 50 to 60 pounds each

to, and we take our blank checks and we say,

hi, we work for the BBC and we're going around the country giving to good causes and their eyes light up.

Some of them are moved to tears.

yeah uh and then i'm dressed up as pudzy you're dressed up as pudzy and then when that check for 60 50 to 60 quid lands on them they some of them have actually been a little bit rude yeah

um yeah especially when pudsy starts swearing they don't like that atom and one lady said we were expecting more from the bbc and i said you will you will be thankful for this 50 to 60 you'll get what you're given and you'll like it and do you like it um so obviously yeah we're driving around the country for no reason whatsoever please sir can i have a bigger charity check No yeah because the checks are enormous.

Yeah yeah yeah.

So we put together a little package for you of

Ellis and John's Road to Nowhere.

Welcome to Ellis and John on the road.

I can't say where we've just come from, but safe to say we have travelled and we have lodged.

And what an experience it was.

i'm giving it within the bounds of what it's trying to do

i'm giving it 4.7 out of 5. are you yeah okay yeah yeah fair enough um so where is it losing that valuable 0.3 well this is a problem across an awful lot of uh outlets brands

where okay look let me just start at the beginning

when you are making

coffee for a lot of people bean to cup yeah the cheapest and most effective way to do that is to go for dark roast beans yes because they can handle the slings and arrows of milk sugar the oat milk the brick bats the brick bats the cat calls so it's a very robust no pun intended yes it's also what people a lot of people who aren't fourth wave coffee lovers what they expect coffee to taste like

and i'm not a fourth wave coffee lover no i i like dark gross coffee that is my roast of choice yeah yeah you're camp coffee I'm camp coffee you're camp John

there it's over roasted it was burnt and often when you're getting those machine coffees that grind and then and then yeah press yeah

it's too it's too roasted yes I had more of a problem with the complete lack of phone signal yeah but that's not a problem for the hotel that's a problem for believe it or not the entire county Yes.

Cambridge to Norwich, which we drove yesterday to

see Dave's uncle.

Didn't we, Dave? Yeah. Yeah, and he was doing really well.
Hi, Alan. Yeah, hi, Alan.
We're going around the country doing various...

I wish he'd had his teeth in. We're just having adventures because

you two thought you were spending too much time with your wives and kids. Yeah.
I thought I was spending too much time with myself. Yeah.

So we thought, let's start off by visiting Dave's uncle in Norwich. Yes, yes.
And just get on some of those blooming highways and byways of this fantastic nation.

And we're going to go and see John's auntie in Bristol. Yeah.
Auntie Val. Auntie Val.
Looking forward to seeing her.

She'll make us a scon. Yeah.

So anyway, between... John, she swears.
Yeah.

Between Cambridge and Norwich, E, I was on E on my phone. Not E E, E that you used to get in the 90s.
And not ecstasy. And no, not ecstasy.
And it's just a game. It's a disgrace

because it's the flattest county in the country. So there's nothing getting in the way of the signal.
What's happening there? It's just unacceptable. It is.
On a major A-road

to be on E for 58 miles.

So apart from taking their roast down one notch, I would have given it a five. What a fantastic review.
Yeah. And they were friendly.
Yeah, veggie sausages. Yeah.

I thought the ones in the buffet were display models.

I ordered some, so the woman said, well, I don't want these. And I thought, well, well, they were just for show.
So I ate them. Yeah, like plastic fruit.

So, what did everyone have for their breakfasts? Scramby egg. Yeah.
Yeah, I scrambled. Mushrooms.
Yeah. I mushed.
I mushed. I mushed.
I was going to leave it at that. Really? But then I saw a sausage.

Yes. So I had one sausage.
Right. And then I did a bit of work

on the E, which was tricky. So I bought, because I'm earning, I bought my own Wi-Fi for 24 hours.
Well done. Was it good though? It worked a treat.
Okay. It really did.
I had, I scrambled. Did you?

Three sausages, some bacon, beans, and two yogurts. Wow.

And two coffees. Are we seeing it?

Is there a crash coming around the corner? No. I'm going to feel great now until at least Sunday.
Okay.

What about you, John? I had three veggie sausages, two slices of white toast, beans, two hash browns, some mushrooms, and half a coffee because I couldn't finish it so disgusting.

So then I went to my room where I've got my little Tupperware box full of emergency items and I used a coffee bag. Oh, did you? They do work.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But yes, the morning after the night before,

at

Dave's Uncle Alan. Yeah.

I thought you were the best you've ever been. Oh, thanks, Matt.
I thought you were fantastic.

And it was great to be in your presence. Oh, that's really kind.
I thought you had work to do.

But we're finding our feet. Yeah, there were a couple of conversations we had with Alan

that we'll work on for Val.

Yes. Yes.
So when we get to Val, we'll just be getting to the crux of what that conversation is about. And I said to Giles actually, when we see Val tonight,

we need the music to get louder

before the lights go down. Yes.

To signify the start of our conversation with Val. Because John was so good at meeting Uncle Alan tonight before we meet Auntie Val, I'm just going to whisper in John's ear, fly, John, fly.

And I want you to just stretch your legs. Yeah, Ellis has given me the wings to fly.
Well, he cheerleads you. You tell him he needs work done on this.
Yeah, but I can do that.

Yeah, it's because I'm great and he's out of practice.

We don't lie to each other, Dave. No, and that's.
I wish we did.

We're realists.

I wish we weren't. Do you want to explain who Giles is on this trip around the country to to see?

Giles is our tour manager on our trip to see family members. And

I can't wait to see Uncle Mirion in Cardiff on Saturday night. There is a point at which this conversation is very confusing to people.
Really? Yeah.

If they, for example, don't know that we're currently on a tour of the UK. We can say we're on a tour of the UK.

That's what we're doing. So we're now on the.

Giles, what road are we on? A14. We're on the A14, taking a controversial cross-UK

route to Bristol.

And you're joining us, watching John teaching a grandmother to suck eggs live, because just before we started recording, John said to Dave, someone who's worked in audio for 20 years, make sure there are mic muffs, Dave, because there's lots of extremely different.

So when Giles said we were going M5 across to Birmingham and then M5,

I said, I don't believe you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And then you check the Google map in front of him, which I think made Giles feel fantastic. I checked Waze.

I think Waze is too dramatic. What do you mean? It does sometimes.
It's like, oh god, there's a...

Oh, no, there's a bin in the road. So you'd better go somewhere else, please.
There's a bin in the road in nine miles. There's a bin in the road in eight miles.
Is the bin still there? Kill out ways.

Whereas Google Maps is like, it will be fine. Someone will have moved it.
Oh, but it's one of the big green ones. Google smoked a bifter yeah so it's a bit more chill

the whole situation Google has a spliff and chills out and gets some biscuits Waze is it drinks too much coffee and is extremely anxious

so what is this so we're a little a little diary of and we'll do this for a few weeks won't we yes well I've already got because I drove up with Giles yesterday and we're in a tour van for the first time in my career and I love it.

There's a table, there's four cup holders, there's a wireless charger. Wooden knives and forks.
There are six wooden seats facing each other. We're basically in a mobile conference hull.
Yeah.

This is incredible. It does feel important.
Hannah has asked me four times now for pictures of the van.

She is obsessed with what this van looks like. Well shall I take a photo of the van for her? Yeah, Defo.
This could be good for the camera as well.

Bro, I'll get photos of you and Ellis. Portrait or landscape, Dave?

Go... I'm just going to turn on the electric lights.
Go portrait. Do you want me to turn the blue ones on? Yeah.
Is it it?

Go portrait, but give us a bit of distance back if you can. Is that possible? Here we go.
You don't have to lean in, Dave. That's my...
Can I do the thumb up still? Yeah.

Great stuff.

Does anybody want to stop off at Westwood and Farm Shop South on the M5? Yes, well,

that's a bit far.

Well, yeah, because we could stop at Gloucester. Services, Dave.
Have you ever been? Well,

more excitingly is I've never been to a services with John. Haven't you? No.

I would dial down that excitement.

It's like going to the gym with the rock.

You're just finding them in their own... in their own yeah

I could be body by mark but at services hi my name's John I stop people who go to services to find out what they like about services yeah okay, check out my Insta.

Oh, maybe do we go Norton Keynes?

No, because we're not going on the

toll. We're not going on the toll, Dave.
Yeah. There we are.
We're getting to Bristol a little bit early because before we see Auntie Val, Ellis wants to watch the football.

Yeah, where's the playing Kazakhstan at the annoying kickoff time of 3pm? That's perfect for this, though. It's perfect for this.

Yeah, it means I don't get to miss the game, but it's annoying for most supporters, obviously, who are at work.

I want to do some work, and Dave dave wants to buy an eighth i don't you do i want to meet the mayor of thornbury oh yeah you do actually want to meet the mayor of thornbury who who deals me my eighths yeah yeah

okay here we are we're in the long spaces and

a huge bonus of the fact that we are going

M5

and not M4 is we get to stop in heaven.

The Gay Club. What? The Gay Club.
Yeah, we get to stop at the Gay Club in Embankment, where Freddie Mercury used to go, and I believe where he met his boyfriend, Jim Hutton. Oh, really?

And his chat up line was, How big's your d?

It's true.

It's a bit like your chat-up line.

So

we are within, I'm going to say, 200 yards of Gloucester services, built into the landscape, which was crucial in securing planning permission. Moto tried to stop them.
Roadchef tried to stop them.

Welcome Break tried to stop them.

Taylor's oldest time. Taylor's oldest time.
They failed.

Permission was granted to place a services equidistant from Strencham

and

Michael Wood. Thank you, Giles.

So here we go. Giles gets you.
Yeah.

Dave, are you ready? You've not been here before. Have you been here before, Elis?

No, been to TB. I came here the week it opened and I was in the local paper.
Yeah, cool.

Cool.

I probably have. Which I mean, you probably have.
Well, this isn't, you won't like to hear this. I don't ever remember what service station.
If you would remember this, I'd probably go to Disney with.

I've got a lot of relatives to meet later. Oh, yes, that's true.

Well, no, at least we're watching a football match. We're getting there an hour early for no reason whatsoever.
So forgive me if I take the time to enjoy my service station.

Clip on your microphone, John. Look like a YouTuber.
Oh, no. I'm carrying my microphone, Dave.

Here we go.

Here we go. I'm going to have a pie.
Okay, so we're hopping out of the van. We're in the long spaces, Dave.
We're in the long spaces. Is that a metaphor for life? Or I think it is, yeah.

We get to see the Winnebago

pickup trucks.

We look like we're trying to monetize our TikTok.

Alice, last time we did one of these, we had wired mics at a winter one

in high school. I just feel uncomfortable doing this for

a steady stream of vehicles. Also, I don't like service.
They know what's right. They know what's wrong.
I do love the way it's been built into the landscape, though.

I think that's a really nice touch. They understand buying local.
John actually has a different walk when he's striding into a services.

I always think there's a certain walk that fans have on the way to football matches. There's a certain walk boxers have when they're walking into the ring.

But there's a sort of purposeful nature to his pre-services gait. He just talks to himself.
I know he's such a weird guy.

Weathered wood.

But

he is a valued friend. I like the guy.
Forest or area of outstanding natural beauty. Oh, people are waving at us, Dave, because they think we're vloggers.

That was absolutely what I wanted to avoid. So, to paint the picture, John is 12 feet ahead of me in Alice.
Yeah.

In his element. Dave, I feel like a complete Div.

Do I have to keep talking into my mic? Can I not just go and buy some content? You know,

ham.

The revolving doors here

signal our entry into another realm.

John? Yep. Well, it'd be nicer coffee than usual in this.

Yeah, it would be nicer.

I think I might be. Right, we're going through a revolving door.
Dave, what do you think? Look at the atrium. Oh, it is nice.
It is nice. Of course, it's nice.
It's wood. It's got wood.

I've never been here before.

Well, let's go to the farm shop, Dave. When I did my GSSE business studies, my coursework was on service stations.

Was it? Yeah, yeah. How have you never mentioned this and I've never mentioned it? I'm sure I have.
I got an A star. I've never mentioned this.
Well, anyway. Why I want to read it? This was...

I got an A star for it. You still got it?

Of course not. Why not?

Well, I don't know where it ended up. Anyway.

It was 1995. No, 1997, it had been handwritten.
But one of the things I remember was that the reason services... I mean, this is 30 years old, this piece of information.

Was that one of the reasons services didn't have things like cinemas and bowling alleys was that they weren't meant to be destinations.

Yeah, they were meant to be somewhere that you would stop off if you were hungry, needed a toilet, needed needed a drink, needed petrol. This is a destination.

This is a lifestyle choice. This is a lifestyle.
Look at the charcoal bread. I know there's, what, 10 different types of bread?

Easy. I feel like a complete pilluck, Dave.
I hate this. Yeah, this is not comfortable.
I just don't.

I don't like looking like I'm... Yeah.
Like I want attention. And at the moment, I'm standing in the middle of a service station with a microphone and a lady's looking at me.
Right.

And it goes into the pocket. Dave.

Love you, Dave. Bye.
love you

we'll be back shortly

well we're back in the van dave and

as i walked through the

ford cougar

the m3s the defenders

the q1s

i

Felt I'd experienced something very special. Two members of staff told me to have a nice day.
Oh, did they? And I'm going to do just that.

I noticed people walking, going for a walk on the verges. These are not the verges of your regular service stations.
Little patches of grass where they take their dogs to pee and poo.

These are the orchards of our mind.

Can I say something?

Yes.

This happened when I was at TB.

I actually became not overwhelmed by choice, but paralyzed by choice. Oh, yeah.

I had to say no sweet stuff because the cakes were just too amazing. Well, bearing in mind that I've just come back from Bordeaux.
Yep.

There is better cheese in that service station than there is in France.

And so I had a look at the cheese and I felt dizzy.

I had a look at the monkfish and my legs gave way. And I thought to myself, I just need to eat something and leave because I could have spent a grand in there.
What did you go for?

Lasagna salad, cashew nuts and strawberries. Oh, what do you go for, Dave? I went for a chicken Caesar salad wrap and a scotch egg on discount.
Oh, lovely.

I also went for a discounted vegetarian scotch egg, some big thick crisps, some local piccolilly,

and

a samosa. The cheese.

The cheese. There's a butcher.
And there is a butcher in my town.

The cheese. Yeah.
I like cheese, but the cheese. There are two flavours of meringue cloud.
Oh, my God. Anyway, we're back in the van, back on the move, to valves.

Oh, yeah, of course. Yeah, go ahead.
Back to valves in the balance van. The

balance van. The toilets, 10 out of 10.
Oh, I didn't go to the toilets. 10 out of 10.
You've just changed the marking system. We're a five out of...
Five out of five. A hundred out of a hundred.

Six out of six.

Wow. The

million. The cubicles are fully separated from...
There's no gaps. You are fully within your own shrine, yeah.
Yeah, shrine. And there's just a guy there cleaning constantly.

Oh, there's not, I mean, I couldn't have asked for any more. The

soap dispensers, two of the automatic soap dispensers didn't work, but that's automatic soap dispensers. I also think that's the technology we never needed.
Yes, true. Shall I eat my Scotch egg now?

I think we can all eat. Yeah, great.
Okay.

And then we'll be at Val's in about 45 minutes. Yeah.
Love you. Love you, Dave.
Love you, Dave. Love you, Ellis.
Love you. Anyway, back to us in the studio.
Hello, Ellis and John.

Oh, hey, John, you look very handsome. You've been working out.

Wowie.

What exercises do you do? Do you do specific willy ones?

Yeah, text me. Text me.

Okay. Bye, bye.
Bye.

Well, there you go. I hope they enjoyed their big charity check.

I think now it's time we played. Actually, though, in that clip, we were going to Auntie Valentine.
Uncle Alan.

Yes.

And Uncle Jim. And Uncle Jim.
No, not Jim.

No. Charity begins at home.
Yes. Anyway, the real destination will never be revealed.
Yeah, yeah. But we're driving around the country for a number of reasons.
Yes.

And we'll be keeping you updated with our travels across the UK for various reasons: whether it's to visit friends and family, whether it's to go to the least populated areas of the coast.

Yeah, whether it's to throw a cricket ball onto some gorse.

Yes.

Or whether it's to clean up some graffiti, actually. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I would quite like to go to Cardiff tomorrow to clean up some graffiti. Would you? Yes.
Let's do it. Okay, great.
See you there.

And on the way and on the way back. Right, we love playing your made-up games.
Keep sending them in to ellisandjohn at bbc.co.uk. Keep sending in your Shane Wells and your mad dads.
But Dave, hit us.

Made-up game, of course. Yep.
Got on your jingle. Ooh.

Bonjour to our precious petitois. Oh, this is on Relicious getaway.

On the second night in our chateau room,

there were approximately 2,000 gnats on the ceiling. Oh, no.
And do they bite? Yeah. What did you do about them? I told the lady and she hoovered them off the ceiling,

which I'd never seen before. And they stayed there patiently.
Yeah. They're thick.
Like they're being abducted by aliens. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But I did get bitten. So it felt like my legs were on fire for the last four days.
Oh, no. But it was all right.
How do people in their own countries not get bitten? I always think.

Like in Portugal, I got absolutely torn distress. Ravaged.
And if you see the Portuguese,

it is blemishless. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What are they doing? Well, they're feasting on Brits, aren't they? Why, though?

Why do they go for the Brits and not the Portuguese? Foreign blood, Dave.

Yeah, you sure about that? Are you making this up?

Well, if you were to live on the west coast of Scotland, you would not be able to leave your house for three months of the year. Oh, my God, god, midges, yeah.
Yeah, really.

Have you seen videos of people getting trapped in their tents? It is mad. The sky is dark with midges.
Oh my lord. And they bite.
Yeah.

At morning and evening is the worst.

Anyway, Petit Pois. In honor of John's love of Levine.

Avril. Yeah.
Yeah.

Do you love her? Because I love her.

You're an Avril fan. I'd marry her, yeah.
You're an avid Avrila, aren't you? Yeah.

We've recorded.

Let me get the name first. This is Becca and Tom.
Aspiring retro wanners from Leith.

Oh, lovely.

Lovely, lovely Leith.

We've recorded a made-up games jingle in the early Avril style. I cannot wait to hear this.
Nice, nice, nice. We hope you enjoy it.
We appreciate it.

It may not be editorially justifiable to mention this on air. Shall I carry on?

Okay.

But Becca writes and produces a very different kind of music under the name Shears.

S-H-E-A-R-S.

And has her debut album out on the 10th of October, the day before my birthday. So they'd be in the

section next to Shearwater, who are a band I like. And Jake Shears from Scissors Sisters.
Yeah. Yeah.
I was thinking of that full lyric. Oh, that's Shears stuck in Hannah Machester.

All right. She's an entirely independent artist, and

she'll be a featured artist on BBC Introducing in Scotland later this year. Wow, Zerb.
That is

good stuff. She's on the lesser streaming platforms too, of course.
But why settle for those? Keep it. Hashtag BBC Sounds.

Most importantly, massive thanks from us to you and the amazing team for making us laugh so much over the years. Okay,

it's a Levine-inspired made-up games jingle. Let's hear it.

Made up games, made up games.

A quest to test and let's best guess of two very different brains.

Made of games, made of games.

Even threats oppressed, those psycho-sexually repressed. They're always ready to play.
Keep it light. Ellis gets excuses and early.
When John's broke wrong, he can't become surly.

Take Wismas and adjudicate. And the youngest presenters on the hottest station.

Made up games, made of games.

Made of games, made of games

How many food filers were born in Camarling? What's the market value of a nasty full of farthings?

Made up games, made of games

Wow

Wowie, wowie wowie love it Do you know what that actually reminds me more than ever Levine of Nico Case's album, The Worse Things Get, The Harder I Fight, The Harder I Fight, The More I Love You.

If you listen to the track City Swan, City Swan and Man,

that's what that is. Is it? Yeah, big time.
We do have talented listeners.

Very talented. Thank you so much for that.
And best of luck with Shears. Yes, I give Shears.
I really enjoyed that.

So... Thank you, Becker and Tom.
Scores on the doors. Ellis's shock win in international place guesstimation last week brought the score to 40-30 to John in the third game of the second set.

John, you are leading two love in games and one love in sets. Yep.

So, ah, L.

We can't let. Well, you can't.
I've not got sides in this, but you can't let John get to three love up in games, can you? It's 40-30, yeah? It's 40-30. Okay, yeah.

Take it to juice, man.

Take it to juice. We've never had a juice.
Have we not? No.

Just to drag out the scoring system even more.

And there's nothing wrong with it. It works.
It works as a system. This week's game is from Craig in Suffolk.
Hello, my plucky little Pop-Tarts.

Despite some cracking mad dad stories and some deeply unresolved shame, I've never thought it was worthwhile me writing in. Oh, it's always worth writing in.
Oh, absolutely.

But I imagine shame in particular. People are always on the fence as to whether they want to reveal the shame, of course.
But our shame well

contributions are anonymous. Yes.
Even if they do put their names on them, we take them off.

You're right, John. I've got a pain in my eye again, Dave.
Your pain in your eye. Yeah.
Just a shooting pain that goes from my eye to my neck. Great.

Ellis, you can take him down here in this made-up game. Yeah, he's distracted.
Much if I don't. Yeah.

That was until my partner, Deborah, and I made up a game that we felt you needed to play. It's called How Low Can You Go? And it works like this.
Dave will give you a quantifiable category.

I think this is a fun game.

Why are you upset about quantifiable categories? Because

I can't.

Would you be happy if you said unquantifiable category?

No, I think it's alright. It's okay.
It's not asking me to measure credit. No, no, no,

we wouldn't put you through that again. Thanks.

Each player then has to list things in that category in descending order.

They have to see how low they can go.

When they name something that isn't lower than the previous thing, they're out. A point is received for each item correctly named.
I like it.

So it might be like grossing films, highest mountains, that sort of thing. Exactly that.
For example, Dave says football ground capacities in the UK.

John goes first and would want to start with the highest number he can. So he says, Wembley.
Sure, sure, sure, sure.

He then lists football stadiums until he lists one where the capacity isn't lower than the one before. Sure, sure, sure.
John correctly names five stadiums. He gets five points.
Sure.

So you just got to be careful.

No time. Okay.
No time. But, you know.
But

you have to give an amount you can do. Or is it just live in the moment? It's as far through as you can get.
Okay.

Because I think there'll be a point earlier than you think that you'll have just taken too big a jump to get lower. Big time.
And then there'll be nowhere else to go. So we're doing it on our own.

Yes, you're going to have headphones on. There'll be sound

proof. Love it.
Love it. You'll take it in turns with each category.
And when a player is not in play, they must enter the booth. Sorry, I just said that.

And close their eyes to stop the Brad Pitt fiasco from repeating. Yeah.

I hold my hands up to that. Pit gate.

I hope the game isn't too controversial. And most importantly, I hope it works.
Oh, it'll work. It's great.

Lovely. Thank you, Craig.
Right, are we ready? Yeah.

All right, then.

John can go first. Okay.
We don't toss coins anymore. Oh, God.
Tosh a coin. We don't back cash in this.
Sorry, go on. Yeah, let's do that.
We'll cos a toy.

Tears for wheels. Confonigumbrie, please.
It is queens for queen. And how many rounds are there? Three.

I will go first.

Go first. Okay, here come the headphones.
With.

Is it anything you want to listen to? Or go for it? Oh, can I have... Oh, yeah, but I can, please.

Loud. Wait for Ellis to.
I think that little jolt in Ellis means the music is on. Okay, he's canning away.
He's got can in his cans. Okay, John.
Yep. Round one.

Probably the more quantifiable actually of the round one. Well, they all have to be quantifiable.

Apologies.

Apologies for that. What do I mean?

The simpler of the ways to quantify. Yeah.

Followers on Instagram. Okay.

And off you go. Taylor Swift.
He's gone straight for Swift. And why not? It's a strong start.

A new album out, of course. Recently got engaged to Travis Couch.
Congratulations, Taylor. Yeah, I don't care.
I'm just trying to fill the gap whilst we get the information.

Okay, so you're getting the number. 282 million.
Okay. Well done, John.
So next, I will go for

Sabrina Carpenter. Sabrina SC.
He's sticking with the female pop star and it's a strong move because they're young, they're relevant, they're both on Instagram.

They will have an audience. Wow.

It isn't bad, but what a drop. Oh yeah, it's always going to be a drop.

48.7 million for Sabrina Carpenter. John has two points.
Okay. We move to three.
This is a good go.

Next, I am going to go for...

This is tricky because you need someone big, but not massive.

Yeah, absolutely. But you could go higher by accident here quite easily, I think, if you're careful.

I'm going to go for

Bonno.

Bono, I think we've...

I think we've been down the Bonno route before. I don't think Bonno has an Instagram.
He's not on Instagram. Okay.

So I retract Bono if Bonno's not on there. Is he not on there?

Do you know what? Let's let you continue and we'll do the same for Ellis.

We probably should have made a rule that if you pick someone that isn't on, it stops there. But we'll have consistency across the round.
Okay. So it's okay.
Go again. So I will go for

Billie Eilish. Billie Eilish.

I wonder whether you might be in trouble here, John. Really? More than 48 million.
Well, she's just been around a lot longer. Oh, no.
I think. Ah, John, 124 million.
You're kidding me.

I would not kid you and join a made-up game. Bluminak, that's a lot.
It's a lot, and it's two points for John. That's no good, is it? I don't know.
I don't know. I'm done.
I'm duck. I'm a dead duck.

You're a dumb, you're a dun, you're a dun. You're a dead duck.
Done. Yeah.
Ellis!

Open your eyes. Whip them off.
God, that was fantastic. Is that fun?

I'm not going to tell you how John's done. Well, I can work it out because I've listened to so much of that song.
So he must have done absolutely sensationally.

No, well, the way the game works is, you know, there is a bit of time that needs to be thought about as well.

For this round, to add consistency and to make sure it's fair for both, if you name anyone that isn't on the platform that we talk about, you get to go again with someone else's name.

So, the round is followers on Instagram. Okay, if you name someone that's not on the gram, you're still in play, you get another chance because this is this is may or may not have

got to go high to low, gotta go high to low. What's your first pick?

Um, Taylor Swift, straighten with Swift, of course.

282 million.

Oh, that's good. No, well, I can't do my next one then.

What? Oh, really? No.

Okay.

You should name anyone. Edge Sheeran.
Edge. I think that's a really good shout.
I think that's a good shout because I think he'll be up there.

But

he's not knocking Swifty off. Or is he?

Or is he?

He's not. You're all right.
49.3 million. It's a hell of a drop.
49.3 million. It just shows the level that Swifty's dealing at here.
Okay.

Oh, really? Is that all? Two points. Luca Modric.
Luca Modric.

I think you'll be safe.

Oh!

That's a really smart guess. 47 million.
39 million. Yeah, because obviously he's invested in the Swans.

39 million. That's a really good answer off the back of a 49 mil shear run.
So you've got three points.

Killy and Mbappe. Killy's gone to...

He's in his safe place. He's in football.

I don't really follow footballers on Instagram because they tend to be quite boring. I think Mbappe is going to be more than Modric.
Surely.

But Modric has had a longer career. No, but he was around before.
Okay, just tell me, Dave.

Yeah.

Mbappe's 125 million. Is he? Well done to him.
So what happens to Mm. Well, he's the most expensive footballer in history, isn't he? He was at one point, yeah.
So what happens to me now?

So you've got as far, you got three, you got through three, so you get three points. Is that it? John said, I was going to start with Ronaldo because he's like 700 million or something.

Well, he's all right. You know, John got two, you got three.
Wow, okay. Yeah, I made a big error.
How many years Olivia Rodrigo got? Oh, let's not go into this.

I want to know.

Do we want to tell me? Look it up on your phone. I haven't got my phone.

39.5 million. I should have have gone for her she's new to the game i was thinking about her so l you got three points we're going to go cumulative this is horrible because it's exciting

i like it guys i was so

because once you get down into the millions we could just do comedians Yeah, so I wanted to get to 250,000 because then I got like six in the bag.

But then you need to maybe you just take the hits and just get down there quickly. That's what I should have done.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, and then I wanted to get down into the dozens.

I was just going to do my mum and my sister.

You could have done. You could have done.

All right, it's 3-2 to Alice. We're going to go cumulative.
Headphones, please.

I mean, Michael,

very optimistically, Michael.

Michael gave that round rows of 20.

I think I might have accidentally triggered something with my hands on these headphones. No, that's what Cana meant to sound.
Because that's the problem.

I would like to listen to Mdomokta Afrik Vic Team.

Michael.

sound, the noise cancelling on these is out of this world. An approving nod from producer Michael.

I can barely hear you, and they're not even on. No.
How many has gotten with Bill? Oh,

John's done the T-sign with his hands on that show. I've not seen for a long time.
I'm going to look at the

top footballers on their Instagram. Yeah.

I know that Ronaldo's

like half a billion people or something insane, but

anyway. Anyway, you're three to up, mate.
Interesting round here.

Happiness of countries. And there is a measurement of

these countries.

So what we're going to do is go from happiest to unhappiest. Okay, because it's how low can you go.
So we're trying to see how mentally low these countries are.

So data taken from 2024's World Happiness Report,

which is a thing. Yeah.

Hit us with a country out. Finland.
Finland. I know it's up there.
I know it's up there. You've got to be careful now because there's a few that are...
Now, Finland, I'm going to tell you. Yeah.

Our first. Yeah, well done New Zealand New Zealand It tends to be the small egalitarian countries.
Yeah, New Zealand, of course you're in play still because you went from one New Zealand are 11th

Okay, I sort of want to steer clear from of Scandinavia. I would have stayed in Scandinavia for a lot longer there.

Yeah, I thought New Zealand were number two. I don't know why I thought that.

I'm going to shoot for the moon, France. He's going for France.
He's familiar with the nation. He's stayed in their houses.
France are 27th. You've got yourself three points.
Okay.

But you're hurtling through the countries, Al. As well, you know.

Australia. Australia.
Are they more miserable than France? You're out on three.

You're bust. Where are Australia? 10th.
Are they really? Yeah. Britain are in the 60s.
Britain's in the 60s. I thought Britain was in the 60s.
Where's Britain, Michael?

Just out of interest.

20 oh 20

doesn't tell you my experience last couple of years have been tough though haven't they

i wonder what it was in 2020 denmark and i mean you still got the things on denmark and sweden i mean that's where we want to be

uh headphones off john um

if any of you complete the table that michael's done for each round i'll give you 200 quid

because he's given you a chance of getting to 20.

um i won't tell you how ellis has done I'll give you the category, though, John. It's happiness of countries.
Okay.

There is a table of countries, and we are taking the data from the 2024's World Happiness Report. We want you to go from happiest to unhappiest, because it's how Low can you say that?

So there's, what, 200 countries in this? Yeah. So, John.
It's very interesting. Where are you starting? I mean, it's tricky this.

You've got to kind of, I suppose, like anything, know the data or have been interested in the data. Otherwise, this is just shooting in the dark.
Okay, we start with Sweden. He's starting with Sweden.

Sweden, fourth. Yeah.

Hmm.

We start with Sweden.

Problem is, you don't want to go too happy, do you? No, never. It's been your motto for years.

Because there's three above that. I know, and if I hit one of them,

I will leave.

So you want good economy, you want good healthcare, you want good schools. This is good assessing, actually.
Is this what you were thinking about in your head? Yeah.

Good weather, maybe? Climate? Well,

I don't know. No, maybe not.
In fact, yeah, that's a good point.

I'm tempted to stay scandy, but I think that's where the danger lies. Yes, but it'd keep you low.
Yeah. And then it'd give you a chance in the next one.
I don't know. I'm going New Zealand.

New Zealand is 11th. Okay, that's good.
That feels significant. Feels good.
That's a nice jump. That is a nice jump.
4 to 11 is nice. I am going to.

Now, am I going to assume that Australians are less happy than New Zealanders? Oh,

interesting.

I'm going to say

I've just got to get some points on the board, and I think that's risky because there's a lot of sun.

So I'm going to go

grumpy old Brits. Really interesting.
Really interesting. United Kingdom, 20th.

Don't believe it. Brits, 20.
20. You got three points on the book.
Gone. 411.20.
That's not bad. That's very good gameplay.
It isn't bad. It isn't bad.
That's really good gameplay. Okay.

I made one crucial mistake and I'm kicking myself, but that's good. I admire good gameplay.
I'm going to say Portugal. Portugal.

I don't know.

They're a chirpy bunch when I go over there. But the economy is not booming.
John. Yeah.
55. Okay.
Really? Four points. This is good.

I mean, there's a big old jump there, but I mean, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm happy with that.

4, 11, 20, 55. 4th, 11th, 20th, 55th, happiest in the world.
So who's unhappier than Portugal, but not too unhappy?

I am going to say Argentina.

It's risky. I think it's dangerous territory at this stage, isn't it?

48th. Oh!

That's good i'll take that though they won the last world cup yeah that's gonna keep you up isn't it john goes bust on four ellis went bust on three okay so we're actually uh finland in at number one yeah i should have stayed scandy what did you do i went finland new zealand because i'd read i'd read about this i thought new zealand had come second So I thought I was being clever.

I should have stayed Scandy. Okay.
Australia, which you nearly went for, Ellis did go for, and that's what he went bust on, our 10th happiest. And I would have gone bust.

Yeah, because New Zealand were 11th. you would have gone yeah

excitingly it's six all going into the final round oh yeah by canagan

and it's a fun one to end on okay

okay round three is frequency of baby names in 2024.

uh the baby names will be from the uk okay uh England and Wales are the only stats we could find so they're just think of think of England and Wales close your eyes and think of England and Wales

it's from the Office of National Statistics We have for this game the top 100 names for girls and boys. And we can guess girls or boys.
Girls or boys, just please do specify. Yep.

Because they will be different rankings, obviously.

If you do guess outside of the top 100, because we want it to be a points popular game, a points rich game,

that's void. You get to go again.
We go again. We do not let this slip.
We go to Norwich. So if you're out of 100,

you're still in the game. Lovely.
We just go to to the next name. Boys and girls, popular to unpopular, for the win, John.
Yeah.

Mohammed. Mohammed.
John. Yep.
Number one. Yep.
He's not stupid.

Where are you going? I'm going

Olivia.

I think that's a really good shout. Olivia, also first.
So two. Still in.
What if I pick a name that's both a boy and a girl's name? Can I combine the two?

Can I get the highest of the two?

Uh

no, you need to, I think for every name from now on, I need to specify gender.

Okay.

Because they'll be different in the list. Yeah.
I'm going to go for

Taylor. Taylor.
Is it a bit early 2024 for Taylor to be bothering the charts? Boy or girl, please, John? Boy. Boy.

I think you might have.

But of course, if they're not in the list, if it's void, you get another shot.

Taylor

is not in the top 100. We don't have to go to the next slide.
We go against Taylor. We go to Norwich.
We do not let this slip.

Jack.

Jack.

Boy or girl. Boy.
Boy.

Tricky these days. Yeah.
A lot more fluid, and I'm here for it. Jack.

22nd. Okay.

You're fine. Yeah.

Frequency of baby names in the UK, top 100. I'm going to go for

just going to try and get some points on the board here, Dave. Yeah.
I'm going to try and go Sarah. S-A-R-A-H.

S-A-R-A-H, girl.

I think that'll be a bit lower down. Yeah, but you'd like to think.
It's a tricky game, this. You'd like to think they'd be in the mix.

It's an evergreen name, but I just don't think it's ever going to be top, top billing. 630.

We go again.

Okay, I'm going to say.

You're still at 22 with Jack. What's next? I'm not.
Alice is going to be good at this because he's in the baby name game. And it's Wales.
Yeah. And England, but.
Oh, yeah.

So I will go for

Poppy. Poppy.
It's a nice name, isn't it? That's a lovely name, John.

It is a lovely name.

Is Poppy big?

Poppy's in. Okay.

Poppy's in too much. No.

Poppy's eight. Oh, my goodness, me.
Popular name. Popular names are coming back in, aren't they? Yeah, no, so I've not done very well there, am I? Well, no, well, who knows? You got three.
Yeah.

But it's a low, as we've noticed, it's a low-scoring game. Ellis, headphones off.
Oh, my God. I was having a good time.
Enjoying yourself.

Okay, a few rules to get into play here, so we'll get straight into it.

My friend Push played it to me, and I thought, this is music

breached music what was the song oh yeah by can oh still yeah did you was that on repeat or is it just a very long song okay it's a bit of both ellis yep

frequency of baby names in 2024 okay if it's joint ranked you get the points and we go again well like kerry well no like if

no no

if it's the same if you get the 50th ranked boy followed by the 50th ranked girl you get oh right You're in. You're in.
Because they've drawn, essentially. You go again and you get the points.

So where are you starting? Mohamed. Mohammed.

First.

Tony. No, I'm joking.
We've got to take you first. Oh, shut up, Dean.
Oh my God. Go on.

Olivia. Olivia.

Interesting starts. First place.

You get both points and you move to the third point because she was also first. First place girl.
yeah you've got first place girl and first place boy there isabelle isabelle

i think you're on terra firma there el

isabel will be in the hundred it's just how low is it then give you a good chance to continue

interesting isabel's 52nd good it's i thought that was going to be higher as in you know would have given you more

isn't isabelle and she said there's loads of them now but when she was young there were no isabels yeah which is why i've plumped four. Isabelle

Cool names

Arthur

Arthur for a boy. Yeah, of course.

Isabella was 11th. I think Arthur might be quite high.
I think Arthur might be high.

Oh, Alice!

You gone bust. He's fourth.
You're joking. I wouldn't.
Joke. No, I know you wouldn't.

I knew... I thought it would be in the 50s or 60s.
I wouldn't have thought it would be in the top five.

Yeah.

Well, how many did John get?

We've not factored in a tiebreak.

It's nine all. Is it? You both got three.
Okay, so what's the tie break? The tie break

question. Now, we do have a broader list that we can move to for this part of the game.
Where does the name John come in the rankings of baby names in 2024? Closest wins. Closest wins.

Tiebreak. Where does the name John come in the list of UK baby names? England and Wales.
Ellis will come to you first. 150.
150 for Ellis. John.
201. 201.

It's 164. Oh, Ellis takes.
Ellis takes the win. Wow.
And it's juice.

Brilliant. Good gameplay.
Good gameplay. game.
Hardly. I'm tense.
Yeah.

I'm tense now. Well, also, the thing is, like, saying,

going Jack, then who did I go after Jack?

After Jack, you went... Well, you went Sarah.
Yeah. And then Poppy.
Where was Jack? Jack was 22nd. Poppy was 11th.
Poppy was eighth. Eighth.

But it's not like a mad mistake because there's not going to be a huge difference. They're both very popular names.
It's Australia and Sweden. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Good game, good game, good game.

Apparently, time for a Cummry connection. Yes, time for Ellis to get some more points on the board to see if he can connect with his fellow country people.

But before we get to it, we've had an email sent in by the OG jingle maker, Craig.

Craig says, recently, I've been rather challenged by the thought that the jingle was in any way dampening Ellis's chances of success. I've always thought I should finish the tune properly.

So here's a version with hopefully a more upbeat finish, while still retaining realism about his questionable tactics. Nice.

Because, to be honest, sending Ellis onto the pitch after that jingle is like if

the English national anthem ended in the minor key. Yeah.

The manager said, try and keep the score dumb nuts.

We want to see Ellis get back above 50%. Come on, Boyo.
You can do it. What percentage is Ellis on at the minute? Ellis is on 44%.

Is that a guess? No, no, it's just not great. So I faltered.
That's really bad. Yeah.
But it's Ellis get backable. Let's hope we can turn that around with this jingle.
Yeah.

Come on, mate, you must do.

And then often he will just list a name or three.

Ignoring John's imploring, think like us to

us to listen.

All are hoping if he can elevate his strategy to nifty,

he'll achieve the magic fifty

Ellis.

Ah, that is that is a superhuman effort. That is incredible.
Thank you. Do you feel better? I do.
It just puts me in a good mood that

here's a little thing we should do. If you do connect, we will use that version as a mascot until there is no more connections.

Because

it's quite lengthy, which is lovely. And I think that special version should just be played for as long as Ellis is successful.
Okay. Yeah.
It's another threat.

We've had an email. Last week saw the controversy of Ellis trying to connect with American-born and raised Joshua.
As Dave pointed out, had Ellis made a connection, it would have been Lims.

But sadly, a connection was not made. It was, however, agreed that the result should be scrubbed from the records, and so it has been.
There's no denying it. Ellis is on a poor run of form.

His connection rate stands at 44%. He's missed three connections in a row.
He needs a win. Stefan has sent the following suggestion.
Hi, Ellis and crew. Lift your head up.

Your recent dip in form is not your fault, Ellis. The original premise was simple.

Outgoing, community-focused Welsh man can make a connection with other Welsh people due to his love of the country and the country itself being on the small side.

Recently though, people have been calling in because they know someone who knows someone who knows Ellis James.

Every time Ellis mentions Bobby the Omelette Davis from football, someone thinks, oh, I know Bobby's piano teacher and rings in. Ellis doesn't know this person, but they know him.

Get back to the original premise. Send Dave out to Powys with a mic and stop random people on the street.
Trust me, Ellis, your numbers will rocket. Stefan in Wimbledon.

It's a good observation. I don't think it is, actually.

Good old Bobby the Omelette.

Because someone, because surely, if the premise is to connect with a random Welsh person, someone who knows Bobby the Omelette, great, but they'll know that people are there.

There might be other connections,

you know. Still, he's trying, John, he's trying to make him feel better.
Yeah, well, yeah, but they're saying the system is flawed. Anyway, let's find out how this week goes.

Can that 44% rate move up to a more but still not hugely respectful 45%? We have a caller on the line from Wales. Hello?

Hello.

The next voice you hear will be that of Ellis James. He has 60 seconds to find a common connection.
The time starts now. Agent School?

36 Bringwin. In Swansea? In Slenetly.
Oh, Infenethly. Oh, okay.

If you went to university, where did you go? Cardiff. What did you study? Philosophy.

Oh, my God.

Perry Roberts used to teach political political philosophy there? No. Okay, Snesley Bryn Gwynn.
What primary school do you go to, Snashley? Davin. Oh, Davin? Yeah.
Yeah. Do you know Scott Quinnell?

I know Scott Quinnell.

Oh,

here we go. Oh,

I'm so pleased. Clean.
He's so pleased. Tell us how you know Scott Quinnell.

So, my sister used to go out with Scott Quinnell's younger brother, Gavin. Oh, he's very tall.
He's the biggest man I've ever seen in my life. He's about six foot ten or something Gavin.
He's huge.

Scott's favorite.

It's actually a nightmare to be that big. Well, I was on a plane the other day.
I'm five foot seven. I thought

any more than this and I'm struggling. Six foot ten.
How does it work?

It was bad. I remember he had size 16 feet.
So he basically he had a choice between either black or white shoes that he had to get in from America. So but you have met Scott on numerous occasions?

Yes, because I used to work for Scott's dad,

Derek Quinnell, in the chemical plant on Eckley. Did you? Yeah, yeah, just for three weeks.
It was a strange job, but I ended up meeting all the Quinnells for a couple of days. Oh, wow.

Slethly royalty.

Ellis, how do you know Scott Quinnell?

He, when we did the Distant Pod Arena show, he was one of our special guests. He's been on this show.
He's a big listener to the show. He's been on the show.
Yeah, yeah. He is the...
I've Quinnell.

You've Quinnellt. He's the king of Lenetli.
Oh, nice. He's such a lovely blood.
Nice guy. He's such a nice guy.
Oh, I remember. Yes.
I remember Quinnelling. Oh, my God.
And his dad's a rugby legend.

And his brothers played. They all played for Linetli.
Yeah.

This is good. Sorry, what's your name?

Tim.

Are there any other connections, Tim?

I don't know. There may be some.
Tom worked in Fenetli for years, so I'm trying to mind.

Do you venture as as far afield as Kidwelly?

I've been known to go to Kidwelly. I've been known to go to Kidwelly.
Do you know my friend Den's from Kidwelly?

I don't. Garth Risowin, the sort of BBC World Sports Correspondent, he's from Kidwelly.

No, I don't know him either.

What about the Gravel scene in Kidwelly? Do you mean Gravel?

No. All right.

No, I don't know that. To be honest, I'm so glad you went for Quinnell Quick because I was worried the further you went to Cardiff Way,

maybe that would thing. So I was so pleased you went there and I was rooting for you.

I used to know a really hard bloke from Darvin

who once told me that he couldn't imagine crying because of pain.

That's me.

But I can't remember his name. And

he had the strongest, sturdiest handshake of any human being I've ever met. But I can't remember his name, but I'm sure you'd know me.
He's only a couple of years older older than you.

Are you still living in Tlenetle?

No, so I'm living in London now, just moved to Strictum. Oh, right.
So, yeah, yeah.

Oh, I believe in Tletli. Oh, I love, I do love Tlinetley, to be fair to you.
I've got very fond memories. I haven't been back in a few years.
That's what a lot of people have fond memories of Wales.

Most beautiful part of the world. There's not been a lot of people.
Such fond memories.

I think that was last time in the 80s.

Anyway, Tim, nice to meet you. Thank you for coming on.
Thanks, man. And you, Ellis.
Honestly, very pleased you got it.

Cheers, mate. Bye-bye.

Bye. Bye.
Bye-bye. We needed that.
We did, and it was clean. Ellis needed that.
Wales needed that. I thought you were drifting a bit far away from where I knew the gold was there.

Ma'am worked in Leni for many years, you see. So

they would have been careful. But obviously, age then becomes a thorny issue because he's only 36.
Amazing that he didn't know a philosophy teacher at the university he went to study philosophy.

He was political philosophy. Okay.
So probably in the politics department. Yeah.
John Stuart Mills. Yeah, it's exactly.

Who I think is that I read his Wikipedia page the other day, the cleverest person who ever lived. Oh, yeah.
It's extraordinary. Who is he? It's John Stuart Mill.

He was a political philosopher and very

covered him a lot of time.

Women's rights campaigner. Oh, yeah, clever guy.
In the like 1720s or whatever. Like Wordelin 2.

Wordelin 2, but also like translating Greek at five. Yeah.

Yes. Yeah.
Which I would find annoying. Yeah.

Anyway, thanks so much for listening, folks. We will be back with you very soon next week, won't we, Dave?

Yes.

Yes, we will. What are you thinking about? I just in my head, because we do need to time-hop a little bit on these records, just wondering whether the British Podcast Awards are closed.

And the answer is they have, so ignore this. Thank you for voting.
If you did, we know you have a choice. And bye.
Bye.

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