#469 - The New Beans, In John’s Time and Eating Margaret Mountford’s Hair

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Hello there, thank you very much for downloading this episode of Ellis and John.

And you are about to hear a tremendously professional performance because I am very tired, but I'm going to pretend I'm not.

Do you want to hear evidence of how tired I am?

Go on then.

I just phoned Izzy in a tiz.

She was out.

I said, you've got to go home.

I've left the keys in the front door.

And I checked.

They were in my blibby pockets.

What a handbrake turn of a phone call.

Why was that not the first place you looked?

Because there.

They were in the different pockets of the one I usually use.

Okay.

So I just panicked.

I'm tired, Dave.

Michael asked Ellis to look at something on a piece of paper.

And we thought Ellis was deep in concentration, really, you know, analysing what was on the script until he went, I'm sorry, I've not even stared at it.

I had a piece of paper for 90 seconds.

I've forgotten to read.

And then Izzy works and the show asked me something.

And I said, Beth, which is Welsh for what?

Because when I'm very tired,

I default to Welsh first.

Izzy doesn't work on the show anymore, Ellis.

No, but she she was in the team

Izzy when I came in, but it's authorised personnel only.

She is no longer authorised.

Yeah, and she did say I'm hashtag not a filled, which is the youngest

phrase I've ever heard.

She said to me, What's the tea, sitch?

No, what's the tea something?

As in the tea cup of tea.

I think you spill the tea is, yes, yes, yes.

But it was the, she said, what's the tea?

S.

So what's she asking?

What's she asking?

Would you like a cup of tea?

Or can I have a cup of tea?

No, like what's new.

So what do you mean by tea?

We've been through this.

Ellis.

No, we haven't.

I'm sorry.

I'm very tired.

I can't see you.

Spill the tea.

But it's beans.

Ellis is tired.

Spill the beans, not tea.

Tea is the new beans.

Is it?

Yeah, big time.

No one's beaning it anymore, mate.

What, you put a load of tea bugs on a fryer?

Tea, tea, the musical drink.

The more you eat, the more you stink.

Yes, so there's a new song for it as well.

Yeah.

I don't believe that for a second.

That's just not true.

The reason Ellis is tired is because he has bad sleep hygiene, even though he's very concerned about sleep.

Thank you, Ellis.

Yeah.

Because

before going to bed,

Ellis will get on a train and have 100 selfies, which is not recommended.

to do just before you're trying to get to sleep.

They were very nice people, although I did talk to Charlie for too long about rugby league and he said, sorry, mate, I've got to do some work.

I saw that picture.

That was a different one oh what how where have you been over the past 12 months we were all together in Bristol and I got the train back because I believe in Britain and I believe in public transport yeah and I just genuinely do love the train I believe in diesel but there were lots of people who'd been at the show on the train yes yes we had a show in Bristol last night just to bring the listeners in if you don't mind guys yeah yeah um

and uh Ellis got the train back Dave and I got the van back Dave slept all the way home did you yes because it

it was half 11 at night.

Not all the way.

You can sleep after a show.

And insultingly, he fell asleep listening to my episode of What Did You Do yesterday.

That did.

He chuckled once and then fell asleep for an hour and a half.

And you know what?

You get quite deep at points.

It's quite a trouble podcast to drift in and out of.

Actually, yeah.

I can't sleep sitting up.

Yeah, it wasn't.

So it is impossible for me.

to sleep pretty flip-flip unless i'm in a bed um so what did you do whilst dave was uh sleeping Did you like fiddle with him?

So he took pictures of me sleeping.

I put a photo of Dave on Instagram because there was an Oasis bottle in the van.

Oh, nice.

I said Oasis vibes in the tour bus area.

Nice.

I played boggle, and that's it.

Oh, and I did the wordle in the van.

Oh, when it went past midnight.

Yeah, midnight wordle.

So did you not like sort of put, you know, vive fogbuts up his nose and all that kind of stuff?

That rugby club stuff.

Let him sleep because he's been working very hard.

Oh, okay.

Thank you, John.

Oh, what a shame.

That would have been great content.

But, Dave, should accuse you of being a copy hat?

You're wearing a baseball cap these days.

After I started wearing a baseball cap.

Yeah, it was all you, John.

It was, wasn't it?

Because you've never, ever worn a baseball cap in the studio before.

I've not in 11 years of working with.

Yeah, you haven't.

I noticed that this morning.

I did think, what's happened today?

I have a lot of people.

And you're wearing an old lady's sort of coat.

This is not...

That they go to the shopping centre with with their little trolley pads.

That is how women used to dress, but that is is now how fashionable men dress.

What?

Yeah.

No, it is.

I've seen Johnny Marlowe one of those.

This is a very high-end cardigan job.

But I got off vintage.

Yeah, going to the crosses in 19th century.

And having their OAP fish and chips for lunch.

Yes, what's wrong with you?

Why are you going at me?

Dave, am I sartorial?

I've said you work very hard.

Dave, I get it.

I like it because I know that fashion changes.

I've been in the cap scene for about a year now.

Oh, you have.

I have.

I've known you for the last year.

I wear caps caps a lot at home.

When I go to bed, I wear a cap.

When I'm out and about, I wear caps a lot.

People go, oh, hey, there's the cap guy in Cheadle Hume.

I've just not bought it to the workspace, but because I'm a bit tired like Alice, but it's fine.

And I woke up this morning a bit late, I couldn't be bothered, so I whacked on the cap.

And this is a new...

If you can't accept me with who I am, then you can't accept me tomorrow.

That's true, isn't it?

That's a me.

If you can't accept me with who I am, then you can't accept me tomorrow.

Well, I just think all you need is a little tartan blanket, a metal tin of hard-boiled sweets, flask, a flask and a chair to watch the steam engines go past.

Well I'm very comfortable actually John.

Well good and it's very warm as well.

It's too warm.

Yeah.

So Dave, before we get into some correspondence,

our blushes.

It's British Podcast Awards.

Yeah.

Isn't it?

And we are listener choice top 20 nominees.

So we need our listeners to help us beat socially distanced sports bar yeah we've split the ellis votes yeah that is true how do you feel about this mixed

um i obviously would love it if people voted for this

but if they decided to vote for another podcast in the list that i might be affiliated with I probably wouldn't mind that either.

But I'm not going to really

not drill down into that who is worse company if you betray them me or bubbins what a question

more scared of bubbins but you've got a more poisonous tongue

i think you could absolutely lacerate me but bubbins is not in your physical area no he's only scary on zoom Yes, and it would, yes, it would make going to Cardiff difficult.

Yeah, you've got to spend the next 18 tour shows with me.

Yes.

And I make key decisions about where we're ordering food from, who gets what dressing room, and what time we leave various budget inns.

Yes.

And lodges.

Yes.

And have you noticed that I'm always on time?

Because I don't want to become a victim.

Exactly.

Poisonous tongue.

So people can vote for us in the British Podcast Awards, can't they, Darius?

Yeah.

Are you still writing for Metro?

No, not for four years.

Okay, you're still writing for Golf Monthly?

No, not for two and a half years.

Oh, okay.

So if you do eviscerate me, lacerate me with your poisoned tongue.

It'll be in my book.

It would be in.

Oh, God.

Which will be out forever.

God.

And I would put it on the front cover.

You don't go in on Alice in your new book, do you?

Surely not.

Do you?

He gets tib and fib in chapter three.

Yeah.

I did think about that.

Dave Bust.

I did not.

I did think about that.

A couple of nights ago, I thought, what if I, because obviously I haven't read it yet.

I thought, what if he does go in over the top of the ball on me?

That may be an incredibly misplaced strategy given he does a podcast with you.

Yeah, but he's talking about retiring in 2032.

So maybe he's going out in a blaze of glory.

Oh, top 10, not top 20.

We're in the top 10 listeners' choice at the minute.

Oh, okay.

Well,

you are also there.

In the top 10.

But yeah.

As are others.

As are others.

Is there anyone we hate?

In the top 10, I'm not.

British scandal.

British scandal.

Our friends.

Is there anyone in there we hate?

Oh, yeah.

some of them is absolute garbage no don't be mean I'm joking I'm joking now sexted to be fair to sexted they're not in there

because they've won it oh right so you can't win it twice so well done to sexted they've done it and they're out a bit like the comet of the end the red-handed clause the red-handed clause because they did the what is that they used to win in every they won what is it they won twice so they can't win again um so there you go but just vote for whoever you like really yeah

yeah.

Do you mean that?

Yeah.

Yeah, it's fine, isn't it?

So we're all part of the audio family.

We're all part of the same creative community that strive for excellence.

Yes.

And that's why I bought two cakes for everyone today.

There's two new cakes downstairs in the cafe, and I got so excited.

And the guy said, you love it when we get guest cakes, don't you?

And I said, yeah.

And he says, we only get them on Fridays.

And I said, that's great because that's the day we're here.

So I bought everyone cakes.

Do you want to try them now?

No, because I had a walnut whip and I'm full now.

I had a walnut whip as well.

Yeah, but you are incredible.

Thanks, Dave.

Yeah,

I don't want to because I'm racing my friend Baz for charity in a winner on the pitch at Dulwich Hamlet Football Club.

Is this race going to happen?

This is.

Baz is.

Because he gave it all this about your race with Bubbins.

Bubbs is injured.

Okay.

And so he can't do it.

So, how far are you racing?

It will just be the length of the pitch, probably.

Okay, for charity.

For charity, yeah, for hospice.

Are you getting sponsored uh it'll be you know yeah a yes i would there will be a just giving you know baz is sorting it baz is much better this

okay

let's have some of the correspondence then everyone um interesting dave a lot of dave related correspondence today uh it's never usually well no this is good so this is from an anonymous insider in the car leasing industry oh

read this john do you think okay is this going to make me because i have i'm all signed up?

Is this going to make me?

No, no, no, no, it's about the damage.

Oh, great.

Okay.

It's about the bollard damage.

In fact, it wasn't Bollard.

It was a mysterious passerby.

Please keep me anonymous.

I work for a vehicle leasing company.

Dave is correct that we do charge more for end-of-contract damage than he would typically pay for a body shop.

However, we also charge for poor repairs, including dirt in paint and poor colour matching, which are common in many body shops.

Our policy is also that we will remove these charges if we have evidence efforts have been made to get the car repaired at an accredited repairer, ideally one that

specializes in the same brand.

Simply make sure that you keep copies of any repair invoices and send them at the end of your contract and you should be absolutely fine.

I would stress that if there are any damage charges on the vehicle at the end of the contract, dispute them all, as we are legally required to look into them and most leasing companies will at least try to reduce them as much as possible under BVRLA BVRLA regulations.

These regulations can be found on the BVRLA website.

Yeah, the big, the big, the big vehicle leasing regulation authority.

And I love this

final caveat from Anonymous.

Not a funny email, but I do hope it helps Dave to not get sick.

Well, he speaks the truth because when I had my Kajar,

the previous lease, they sent me a letter saying, too many scrapes, too many

chips and stuff.

You owe us £40,000.

And I wrote back and I said, there is not a single scratch on an alloy.

And all the chips and scratches that you've mentioned are clearly, and they were genuinely, they're clearly just from stones, you know, firing up on a motorway.

I've done my best to look after this vehicle.

I think, and due to how much I've actually paid each month for the car, I think it's a disgrace.

Nice.

I think it's a disgrace to get you asking for more money.

And they did back down.

Did they?

Yeah.

Did they?

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

Yeah, because because there was nothing wrong with the car.

It was five.

The affiliated

body shops worries me a touch because they've done a fantastic job.

Oh, well, though, you'll be all right.

Whether or not they're affiliated, no idea.

But it was really just good.

I mean, I even said to the guy, How have you done this?

And he said, I'd have to kill you if I told you how I've sorted out your bumpy.

Is he in the top 10 of the listeners?

Why would he have to kill you?

That's sort of his job, isn't it?

Yeah, he's trying to be funny.

Oh, right, okay.

But then he didn't tell me.

But also, he doesn't want Dave to go into competition with him, does he?

Dave's Dence.

Dave's Dence.

Yeah.

Dave's Diggs.

Yeah, accept me today and love me tomorrow.

Thank you, everyone, for sending in photos of advertising campaigns using oversized credit cards in their images to make fun of Ellis.

There's one that's bigger than Stonehenge.

Yeah.

There's one that's wider than a woman's leg.

There's one, I mean, it's basically bigger than a suitcase.

Yeah.

And this is because Alice had trouble.

Well, we do need to say, we need to give it a bit of context for our new listeners.

Alice had a beard of trouble understanding how big a credit card was in a previous one.

I've seen one.

You'd be surprised.

I find it very difficult to estimate

how wide they were in centimetres.

This is from Tim in Exeter.

Hello, my lovely Chippercabras.

We all like to laugh along at Ellis when he gets things wrong.

Thinking a credit card is the same width as Jan Mulby's face.

Digging a child in the unmentionables with a football, that sort of thing.

But during your recent excellent chat with Sellia AB, John did a lightning quick joke, something he's famous for.

Sounds like me.

Along the lines of the couple of followers, didn't I?

You did, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dave, is Poundland not a thing in France?

John, they have Euro Disney.

Superb joke by any measure.

I think we gave you the bell, didn't we?

That got the bell.

Right, okay, yeah, yeah.

Yes, it's a great gag.

It's not technically accurate.

Oh, dear.

Whilst the park was called Euro Disney Resort upon opening in April 1992,

it became Disneyland Paris in October 1994, Disneyland Resort Paris 1994-02, and then Disneyland Paris again since 2009.

So it's only been Euro Disney for 6% of its existence.

Clearly, the joke works on the pun of the Euro being the equivalent of the pound in France, but what's more important?

Comedy or accuracy?

I'm not sure about this paragraph at all.

It's fine for Ellis to get things wrong, thinking the Falklands are on the other side of the world, suggesting Asda don't have a loyalty scheme.

Mistakes are part of Ellis's brand and character.

But John's at hearing stomachy is something that centers the UK, nay the world, in a similar fashion to Greenwich meantime, and we must surely strive to maintain that gold standard.

Finally, with the show being such a hit with the youth, anyone born after October 1994 simply weren't alive during the brief Euro at Disney nomenclature years and could easily get confused, turn off, and listen instead to Jake Humphrey talking about magnesium power shakes or something, severely impacting the Skibbity Riz brand and listening figures.

Best wishes, Tim in Exeter.

I pity Tim.

There's a lot in there that I do like about Tim.

His diligence to the cause.

He hates me.

What are your thoughts?

I don't want to live in Tim's life.

But you do for 99% of the time.

But I'm being forced to live in Tim's mind and I reject it.

I got it because I remember it being called Euratist.

But I think that's quite funny.

I think there's humour in that.

I'm 44, yeah, but also humour of which I would like to think I know a thing or two.

What's your stock in trade?

Yeah, if I was making a joke about an um

an Arsenal fan smoking a doobie and I said he he got Highbury or went to Highbury, it's still funny because you associate Highbury with Arsenal.

So the joke mechanics.

That there, yeah,

you are gifted.

So Euro Disney, the

french equivalent to poundland it's it's perfect there's nothing wrong with it there is that i think it's good humour i think it's almost better because that's not now the common name of the place yeah it's almost more impressive people do call it euro disney don't they uh no like they still call it the channel no but again there's fun in that there's fun there's not heard the term channel

theater plus years

It was the channel until it was built and then it immediately stopped being the channel.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But everyone still calls it, it's still called the MEN Arena, but it's not been called the MEN Arena for quite a long time.

Yeah, it's called Bolton.

The AO Arena, I think.

I call Bolton's Ground 3 Bok.

Yeah.

It hasn't been that

decades.

Who doesn't?

There you go.

There you go.

So, Tim, I would take a long, hard look in the mirror.

Take that tongue out of your cheek, young man.

Got an email about people selling farts.

Not going to read that.

No.

We're trying to get away from that.

Yeah.

Ah, this is from Michael, esteemed vibe mongers.

I was saddened today to learn that Melvin Bragg will be leaving in our time for more than a quarter of a century.

However, given that you guys are intimates of the popsicle hound and BBC head honcho Tim Davey, I assume that John is top of the list to replace the great peer.

Who but John, with his massive mind and low nonsense tolerance, could steer the erudite but sometimes wayward academics back onto discursive straight and narrow.

Please keep it BBC and welcome us into John's time.

Michael, yes, I think it makes sense for Britain to have me present in our time from now on and it would be rebranded as in John's time.

I don't mind it.

So it'd be only things that happen in my lifetime.

I think you're very good at synthesizing information.

and reading books quickly.

Yes.

It would be less heavy than how do you cope?

Yes, a lot of research.

Yeah.

But it would be nice to be around fellow academics.

Yes.

It would be nice to discuss things that happened in my lifetime, e.g.

the channel.

Yeah.

E.g.

the fall of the Berlin Wall.

Yeah.

The miners' strike.

The miner's strike.

Altax riots.

The invention of

the life story of Michael Dukakis.

Yes.

Jarvis Cocker mooning Michael Jackson.

The smart box.

Yes.

That sort of thing.

NTL.

Yes, if anyone from Radio 4 is listening, I would like to place my hat in the ring.

I think you could do it.

In our time.

Hi, and welcome to In Our Time with me, John Robbins.

Today we are discussing

the Charlatans.

The band.

Yes, the band, not the thing they're named after, which I think has been an episode of In Our Time.

Okay.

We've gone quite pop culture.

Do you know the lead singer's name?

Well,

I am the host, Dave.

I'm not one of the experts because joining me from the University of Exeter is a professor of modern culture, Ellis James.

Hello.

And from,

sorry, I can't remember.

It was a Polytechnic, wasn't it?

It's Dave Masterman, who got a third in media studies.

All right.

And

so, Ellis, where do we start with the Charlatans?

Well, I think the story begins in Nuntwich in the late 1980s with Tim Burgess, who obviously a burgeoning songwriting talent,

16, 17 years of age, enormously motivated and inspired by the Manchester scene.

Can I stop you there?

I'd like to drill down into that.

What sort of time period are we talking here?

We're talking the late 1980s.

Okay, interesting.

Tim was working in a record shop in Nuntwich, and he knew that something was bubbling in Manchester, obviously not too far from where he grew up.

And so he just knew that were he to join in with some fellow musical travellers, he could perform music that would has stand a test of time.

Professor Mastman, if you could just take that on for me.

I love their later stuff, actually.

And a lot of people give them hard time for albums like Wonderland, which has We're So Pretty, You're So Pretty on it.

And also the fashion, I Kedalek.

Yes, this is quite an important part of their story, is there?

Could we go into a bit more detail on the fashion?

Well, Tim Burgess, of course,

famously in the video for How High, wears a yellow and black Kagul, which has become incredibly sought after by the band's fans.

And Tim's actually re-released this Kagul with Heikedelic

to enormous critical acclaim.

I mean, the Kagul community really do see Tim as their Joan of Arc.

Professor Masterman,

could you carry that on for me?

Yeah, top jacket, top, top jacket.

And also, what I love about Tim, very honest about his past, he was off his bonds for years and then

kicked it all in the can and has been clean living for a good, what, 20, 15 years or 15 to 20 years.

Yeah, yeah.

And now, of course, an enormous presence online with his listening clubs.

Aye, yeah.

Well, thank you, everyone, for listening to In Our Time.

For more information and our terms of use, please check out the website.

And now, for podcast listeners, some bonus content from this week's BBC, In Our Time.

So is there anything that you didn't cover that you'd like to have gone into more detail on?

There's some great singles.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yes.

No, I don't know much about them, John.

Okay, well, I think that's time for Michael to come and ask who wants tea and who wants coffee.

I'll have tea, please.

I'll have coffee.

I'll have tea, please.

Do you have anything herbal?

No.

What's this?

What's this?

What happens at the end of In Our Time?

They have a little bonus thing.

Is that a mistake?

No, and they always get the producer, the sound of the producer coming in and say, would anyone like teas and coffees?

Okay.

It's personal tasks.

It's an audio equivalent of that fashion that's been on documentaries for five or six years now, where instead of just doing a talking head,

it'll be about 40 seconds before the talking head begins.

So Pep Guardiola or Gordon Brown would be fiddling with their mic

and saying, is it alright if I sit here?

It's the podcast equivalent of hearing them place the acoustic guitar on the ground at the end of the song.

Yes, yes, yes.

There is big, which annoys me.

We should start doing it, I think.

There is genuinely a good story told the other day.

What was the breakthrough Charlatan's track?

What would have been like the big?

The only one I know?

I think he was.

No,

he had a single before that.

He went to walk.

His mum asked him to go.

Dave, where were you when I was

they stopped recording, Dave?

What?

I literally said, is there anything we should have talked about?

This is my big chance, Dave, to introduce Injohn's time.

Well, they're recording them making cups of teas, but they're not recording this.

Surely they kept going.

Stopped.

I said is there anything you got?

He said I don't really have the band.

Well it's just come to me.

Okay Dave.

Yeah how high?

But I think it was the only one I know wasn't it?

North Country Boy just when you're thinking things over.

They had some tunes.

But basically he was on the way.

His mum asked him to go to the shop to buy him some fag buy her some fags and he got halfway.

And then this this melody started playing in his head and he was like, I can either continue to go to the shops and get mum the fags and this will have gone out of my head by the time I get back.

I know it will, or I'll leg it home now and scribble down what's in my head.

He must have been a really young lad at this point, so he legged it home, didn't go and get the fags, came back, and then scribbled it down.

And that was this breakthrough song that he said he wouldn't have, that would have never made the shards and slua if he had carried on to go and get his mum's cigarettes.

Wow, what was disappointing that I don't know the track?

Because that is quite a key part to the

story.

I think the only one I know was their first big gig.

All right, we're now talking about the shards and stuff.

So,

It's my fault.

It's my fault.

But good audition.

I hope you get the gig.

Thank you very much.

Dave, there's...

The only one I know is the track.

Carry on, John.

I said that.

Yeah, you did.

Dave, there is consternation across the UK for your paddling pool behaviour.

Yeah.

Dear all, with regard to Dave's paddling pool P dilemma, we don't need to operate entirely on vibes to decide whether he could have used the tainted water, as it's quite easy to put numbers to the situation.

Yes.

Using his estimates of the pool's size, eight foot across and four foot deep, and assuming it is circular, we get a volume of 5.4 cubic meters.

Into this amount of water we add a single bladder full of toddler we.

The solute concentration is pretty variable, but the major component, urea, is produced at a fairly consistent daily rate based on weight.

If we generously assume a toddler, well, they're not toddlers, are they?

Uh, no.

Uh, weight of 15 kilograms, would that be about right?

Yeah.

Uh and that we represents one-third of their daily output on a well-hydrated child, the number would be far less, uh, then we get a urea combination of five grams or about one level teaspoon.

Some cursory googling suggests that public swimming pools do not routinely measure levels of specific compounds, but have a safe range for total dissolved compounds, TDC, in the region of 1000 parts per million.

Using this metric, our five gram of child urea would raise the TDC in Dave's pool by one part per million, which is clearly insignificant and, in fact, well within the margin of error for most commercially available testing kits.

In short, this probably wasn't a good reason to throw away 5,000 liters of drinking water during a historically hot summer.

Dave, how do you plead?

5,000 litres of drinking water.

Sounds like a lot.

What would have happened?

That sounds like a lot.

What would have happened?

Forget the we.

The water was going at some point anyway.

Yeah.

But you refilled it, though, didn't you?

No.

It was basically a wasted fill.

We got a few days out of it.

Okay.

We got a good old stint out of it.

And I watered the Lalandais with the water.

Oh, I've got one part per million of wee, which would do them good.

Now that I wasn't aware of.

What I will say is, I don't think Hannah will mind me saying this.

She is a worrier.

Yeah.

And she wants, she's very health conscious to the point where she probably does often go because she gets quite ill easily herself.

So I think she's then overly cautious with this sort of stuff.

Halfway through a summer holiday, when she's been with three children for five and a half weeks by that point, with them barely giving her a second's peace or quiet, that wasn't going to be the time where I was really going to stand in the way of something which would put her sanity at ease for the next two and a half weeks.

You've got the stats here to put her at ease.

This is too late.

It's a thousandth as we filled as a public swimming pool.

I find children's we so inoffensive.

Yeah, you discussed that last time.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

If it's one of your key manifesto pledges, I, Ellis, am committed to not finding child's we offensive.

Yeah.

I didn't have much of a problem with it, but we, but I also, I'm not going to apologise for going with my wife, who I think was worried what the effects would be, not knowing that those were the hardest.

As soon as anyone soils a paddling pool, get on Google.

Absolutely.

And invite me.

And invite Ellis.

Because I will.

I will tell you again.

What is it again?

He finds children's weed inoffensive.

Yeah.

I love it.

No, understood.

Understood.

But no, we didn't refill the pool.

Okay.

So it's not wasted.

No, we put the water to good use.

The Lolandas needed the water.

Very good.

Right.

Well, we're not chatting to Adrian this week because of, you know, breaking events and factors.

And BBC Five Live is the first on the scene of all major factors, isn't it, Dave?

Yeah.

Yeah, it is, actually.

Pretty much is.

So let's have some mad dads.

My dad, when he brought his first non-stick frying pan, kept the instructions and stuck them on the wall next to it.

Actual real wooden clods.

And set about eating what must have been north of 24 egg canopes.

He then then proceeded to empty 40 litres or so

onto the timber and strike a match.

That's a mad.

That's a mad.

That's a mad.

I've got a great mad granddad for you here.

Ooh.

Hello, my triumphant little troopers.

I have a mad dad entry, but my wife Charlotte's mad granddad for you.

96-year-old Malcolm from Neath.

I reckon, if you look at the town of Neath and the people of that age, I reckon 80% of the men are called Malcolm.

Really?

Is that a Welsh name?

It is such a Neath name.

Is it?

If you're a bus driver from Neath, you are called Malcolm.

And that's a copper-bottomed cast iron fact.

Anyway, he'd perhaps be a good candidate for Cymru connection if Ellis' range extends to the clientele of working men's and rugby clubs of the Neath Valley in the 1960s and 70s.

I want to meet Malcolm.

Your dad might know Malcolm.

Yeah, my granddad possibly.

Anyway, Malcolm is a quintessential mad granddad for many reasons, but here are the top three.

Malcolm's a fan of walking barefoot on plush carpet.

Malcolm missed that feeling when wearing his more practical and warm slippers.

What did he do to replicate that unique sensation?

Well, he proceeded to craft bespoke insoles made from carpet offcuts and simply pop them into his slippers.

Wow.

Genius.

Surely just a matter of time before big carpet catches on to this idea.

Well, that's one of my great life hacks.

Is when you are.

When you you

wear out a pair of trainers,

take the insoles out and keep them to then put into smart shoes because they've molded to the shape of your feet and they're soft

and they make dress shoes or like wedding shoes much more comfortable.

You'd be great on a desert island.

If I had to attend a corporate event and wanted to remain comfortable, yes.

And I would try to,

I would fly the flag for the island as an event for corporate as a host for corporate events yeah yeah but surely come and do your expo here yeah but it'd be exclusively flip-flops surely on a desert island um no because I would clear a corporate space where people could have their um their PowerPoint presentations give their keynote speeches and mingle yeah and you could have uh you could put like a projector screen up against some palm trees yes make i could make it out of um leave the leaves of coconut trees yeah yeah, yeah, yeah.

As I said.

Anyway, next, leading to up his hydration game on doctor's orders and ever the improviser, Malcolm simply switched to using an old washing up liquid bottle to drink from because it makes me feel like a tennis player.

That's very sweet.

It makes me feel like a tennis player when squirting the water directly into his mouth.

What can you imagine if you saw an old man squirting what looked like fairy liquid into his mouth?

Oh,

I love that one.

And finally, though, a man who worked hard his entire life and enjoys a comfortable retirement, he opts for a camping chair when watching television in the living room because not only does it mean he can holster a squirty water bottle and is easier to get out of than a standard armchair, it also makes him feel like a director.

Oh, Malcolm, I want to meet Malcolm.

That reminds me of my dad.

I can imagine my dad doing that.

I'm always in awe of his continued mad daddy, despite his advanced years.

Best wishes to all retrounner and BBC sounds enthusiast Sam from Swinton in Manchester.

Sam, you're lucky to have Malcolm in your life.

He sounds like an absolutely fantastic blow.

I think Malcolm would be a nice name for a little baby boy.

Baby Malcolm.

Malcolm.

Yeah, Malx.

Malxie.

But it'll come back round.

They all do, Dave, don't they?

Yeah.

This is from Peter.

Peter says, Hello, my triumvirate of truth.

Please allow me to proffer a story of a mad dad.

I was around six years old in a cafe with my parents and sisters.

My mum and my sisters went to the toilet, so it was just me and my dad left sitting at the table.

On the table were little sachets of salt and pepper.

As a fan of cartoons, Brackett's general, but especially the slapstick of Tom and Jerry, one thing that was persistent theme that I'd noticed was the use of ground black pepper to make someone sneeze.

Having noticed the sachets, I asked Dad whether this would actually work if you threw pepper in someone's face.

I'm sure it would, he said, but as a GP and man of science, he decided to put his theory to the test.

He took some sachets of black pepper, emptied them into his hand, and proceeded to hide behind a pillar in the cafe, where he laid in wait.

As the younger of my sisters returned from the toilet, he sprang out from behind the pillar and blew the pepper from the palm of his hand directly into her face.

Rather than making her sneeze, she proceeded to start to cry in pain.

Various remonstrations from my mother.

Despite his sincere apologies to my sister, I could tell that he was a little disappointed it didn't work like it did in the cartoon.

Much love, Peter.

Wow.

Wow.

Almost word for word happened to me when I was about

yeah, my dad had taken me swimming

with my friend Thomas and his brother James and we'd gone to a cafe after being in a pool and James did it.

He opened up a sachet of pepper and just blew it into my eyes.

Oh it stung for about a day.

It was a genuinely horrible thing to do.

I hate it when you do stuff like that as a kid and it just sort of immediately

goes wrong.

And it's that feeling of just sick.

Oh God.

And that feeling and you think to yourself, I would love a time machine.

I put chewing gum in my friend's hair in DT.

I'll just hold my hands up.

Yeah.

I'll just hold my hands up.

And if you got the time machine, you'd only go back 90 seconds i broke my friend's ruler in dt i'll just hold my hands up his mum did get i and also in dt i wrote a rude comment about ryan giggs on his dt folder and his mum like this has got to stop this is terrible was he like ryan giggs was was yeah was dt the issue i don't know i think it was there's something of the something in the air in dt a free song yeah you had access to tools yeah i cried you were breaking things in dt you were smashing you were hammering you know i'm making freddie Mercury bookends.

Sure, I might smash up a ruler and write a rude phrase about Ryan Giggs.

Oh, I'd like to have a word with my wife who teaches DT.

She, I cried in DT.

The last time I cried in front of a teacher was in DT.

Someone's liked off Ryan Giggs.

I was absolutely rubbish at it.

I couldn't draw a cube.

And he'd shown me how to do it, and I couldn't do it.

And then he kept me back and he said, what's happening here?

I said, I'm just bad at cubes, sir.

And he said, All the other teachers in the stuff room tell me that you're bright.

I'm embarrassed at tea.

God,

poor little lamb.

Yeah, I don't know what he's doing.

But he wasn't busy, was he shouting?

No,

he was disappointed and surprised at how bad my cube drawings were.

They were rubbish as well.

But do you know what?

No, I'm going to go out there.

I haven't had to do it since.

Where am I now?

I thought my first ever DT lesson when I went to secondary school year seven

and the teacher said,

Who can tell me how many sides Cube has got?

And I put my hand up, so it's got six.

And he said,

you young man, you're very, very bright.

Do you remember?

Wow.

Yeah,

I remember vividly thinking, I am going to fit in pretty well here.

It turned out to be true academically, not true socially.

My first DT lesson,

we had to make a fruit salad and I'd forgotten to tell my mum.

What?

DT?

Yeah.

D T in our school encompassed cooking.

So work woodwork and metalwork.

Okay, fair enough.

We had to make a fruit salad, but I'd forgotten to tell my mum.

With a lathe.

And at sort of, you know, sort of eight twenty-six, I said, Mum, have we got an apple, an orange, uh, a peach, a nectarine, a satsuma, a sharon fruit, a banana, a kiwi fruit and some passion fruit?

I was like, no.

And I was like, oh, God,

I really need that right now.

Why not?

That's a shame.

And

the DT teacher, who I won't name, went absolutely ballistic.

What did you have?

Well, we didn't have any.

Our big shop was on the Wednesday night.

The lesson was on Wednesday morning.

So we didn't have any fruit.

We brought fruit.

And this was slightly pre-24-hour Tesco culture.

Yeah.

And it was 8.26.

And petrol stations aren't cutting it.

No, there was a news agent on,

oh, is it Russell Terrace in Camarvan on the way to school?

So you could have got a picnic bar and some nerds.

We got a massive

citrus fruit.

And we couldn't tell if it was an orange or a lemon.

But it was big.

It was a citrus grey area.

They are famously different colours.

Yeah.

Believe me.

Nails was quite late on to the fresh fruit revolution.

You were, believe you me, you couldn't tell.

And I, um, I remember I brought it in and she said, where's, where's all your stuff?

All the girls had baskets.

I remember that, thinking, oh, God.

She said, where's your stuff?

And out of my head bag, I took out the

great fruit.

I took out my citrus confusion.

I said, I've got this.

And she said, unrest.

And I didn't ask for one of those.

And I said, oh, sorry, I didn't tell my mum.

Thinking, she's, I think she's not going to go that mad.

She went absolutely nuclear.

Really?

Well, that's the whole problem.

And then I remember saying,

I've remembered my apron.

She said, I don't care.

I can understand.

I mean, we have a lot of teachers listening.

Very stressful job.

Oh, 100%.

Yes.

I can understand someone saying, well, you'll be sitting at the back and writing an essay or something.

I can understand someone saying, you'll see me after the class.

I can't understand why you would actually like shout at a child.

I was

for that.

To like, you know, to like

September 1992, it would have been, so I was 11.

Yeah, I think, yeah, I'm still talking about it.

Because obviously, like, the teacher, to an extent, doesn't care whether you make a fruit salad or not.

Well, they should.

Of course, they do.

I should go by pretending that she did.

They want to teach their class.

They want to tick off the stuff.

They want to make sure you know how to make a fruit salad.

And get good grades.

It's not like you let them down to the point which they'd shout at you like they'd shout at a, i don't know as if they were betrayed in a business deal there's also a bit of there's a bit of in a way they have been there's a bit of jigsaw identification she knew my mum because obviously mum is from kamarbon and um i thought that would help me out yeah uh and it actually seemed to have the opposite effect ah she thought maybe you were taking liberties and i wasn't i was just i hadn't written it down and and that's again that's that is infuriating for a teacher because she would have asked you to write it down and i never ever ever forgot again

and two weeks later we used to we used to cook something or make something every two weeks the next time it was scones and i did bring my scon ingredients yeah but my god that fruit salad dressing down is something i will and do you know what in the end because i had the c the citrus confusion i remember my fruit salad was just that chopped up floating in a tupperware box of what

oh my god

and then we had our tea that that night.

My mother said, Oh, yeah, let's just make pudding.

And all my family ate it.

And my mum and dad, in fairness, said, This is delicious.

Wow, this is great.

I thought, you're insane.

I made fruit salad for my mum and my sister, and I put tomatoes in it because tomatoes are technically a fruit.

Because I've got this.

So they ate it.

And I won for being clever and making a disgusting meal.

You won there.

You're definitely the winner again.

Do you know what's nice with kids?

It's reassuring kids are really decent these days and i think it's important to remember that hannah got about 10 letters on her final day thank for the kids that were leaving the dt class like long letters handwritten letters thanking her for how the difference that she had made

but it was so sweet and obviously made hannah cry and he made me cry and i i would not have i don't think i would have thought to have done that to my nicest teacher when i left i remember one point in my school in year seven because you know in you you know know, in primary school, you often bring presents in for the teachers, but that in my experience of secondary school, that habit sort of died out by the time you got to comprehensive school.

But I remember one boy at Christmas gave his maths teacher a bottle of wine.

Yes,

like he was 11.

He had it on the bus with him.

Yeah, that's quite sweet.

All the older kids are like, why aren't you just drinking it yourself?

Because I'm in year seven and I like my maths teacher.

Oh, that's nice.

um so what aspect of dt does hanna teach uh

yes resistant materials yeah a bit of that bit of that bit of that fruit salads graphics yeah but no fruit salad no fruit no food that food tech is a different is it a different discipline maybe it is at my school now i don't know but it certainly was in the 90s yeah well shout out to all the teachers in the house going back to school absolutely and if you are after their summer holes a lot of teachers in my family shout out to all the teachers and if you are if you do enjoy the teachers that you have, and if you're in secondary school or college, write them a little note at the end of the year.

It goes a long way.

Yeah, write your teachers a letter about how much you love them.

I'm going to write you a note at the end of the year.

Thanks, Dave.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Not like a.

Yeah, a nice one.

Yeah, yeah, not a sack.

Dave, you're sad.

Okay,

okay.

Well, I think that's all we've got time for.

We could maybe do one more email, Dave.

It's just people saying about how great I was on Taskmaster because I said everyone hated me.

And that's not true.

it really isn't true no that's not true the majority thought you're fantastic i'd 50-50 i'd say i'd say oh i'll take that yeah so you can't please everyone you don't want to please everyone you do no please everyone you're pleasing no one yeah

um

and there's nothing worse than being not

hated apart from not being talked about That's the phrase.

We've got our phrases today, aren't we?

What is that phrase?

I can't remember.

The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, so well done.

Yeah.

They're all talking about it.

Will we have our cakes as an end of an end?

Should we try the cakes as a treat for the end of the episode?

What, tick off a taste of version 2.0?

Oh, right, on the pods.

The problem is, it will ruin you for the other pods that we have.

This is a mango and coconut one.

Yeah.

Come on.

Everyone wants a bit of the cake.

It looks very French, the one on the right-hand side.

Just have a little bit.

It's covered.

Well, we're all having having it.

Oh, it looks fluffy.

Oh, let's take a pick for the Cara.

Well, I've destroyed it.

Because I'm tired.

I'm so tired.

I considered doing the show in shades for the cara.

Good stuff.

Okay, I'm eating my bit.

Tick off a taste.

Tick off a taste.

Oh, that's great.

This is why we quit the feature.

I just remembered why we don't do it anymore.

It's just John going, oh, right.

It's so soft.

Ella Shiel like it.

Oh, wow.

It's incredible.

I think one reason I didn't sleep after the Norwich gig was that I ate so many Percy Pigs.

Oh, yes.

There was a lot of sugar knocking around.

I had a whole fruit and nut on the way back.

And then I ate a whole big

caramel.

Dairy milk caramel.

Like a whole massive one.

Like you'd give to your mother on some Mother's Day if you're about six.

It gave me a headache the next day.

Yeah.

All that sugar.

No wonder I didn't sleep.

I may as well have tried to have a calming energy gel.

Come on, Ellis.

What are you giving it out of five, Dave?

I'm giving that a full five.

Yeah, I'm giving that full fathom five.

Full fat five.

How is that so soft?

What have they done to that?

And it's a cube that you wouldn't be able to draw it.

And obviously, the softer and lighter it is, the better it is.

How have they done that?

It's like you're doing clouds.

Yeah.

It's like

it's like it's like a pudding version of Dimson.

What's the Dimson that's architecting a cloud?

Yeah, I know what you mean.

It's like eating Margaret Mountford's hair.

Go away.

If you put Margaret Mountford in a candy floss machine, it's like eating that.

Okay, well,

next episode, which comes out on Tuesday, we're going to have some bonus content, aren't we, Dave?

Very exciting.

Ellis and John the Road.

Ellis and John John on the road.

Ellis and John on the road or on the road with Ellis and John.

Well, we could call it the road to nowhere.

I thought I said that.

Did you?

Yes.

The road to hell.

The road to hell.

Yeah.

Chris Rhea are doing this.

But just because we just fancy seeing the great British Isles.

Yeah, we decided to drive around the country earning no money.

Yeah.

But raising quite a lot for charity by doing a sponsored trip around the UK

wagon converted van for charity.

And we've got Ian Botham doing it as well,

yes, and um,

also,

um,

uh, Michaelis Tracken.

So, uh, Michaelis Tracker is cycling, Ian Botham is walking, and we are driving around in a converted VW van with USB charger points.

Yeah, stopping off at various venues just to collect the money for charity.

We turn up outside uh old people's homes, libraries, yeah, uh, park up on the high streets, rattle our buckets, say, here we are, charity, on Norwich, we're off to Lincoln next.

Yeah, and what a support we're getting.

Oh god, they line the streets.

They do.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And Michael Aspel is doing it at Toyota Yaris.

So a bit of bonus content on location on the road remote, which would be fun.

Also, I think a feature was half-launched a couple of weeks ago called Ask Us Anything.

Oh yes, we'll be asking us anything and answering it too.

Yeah, and I think you might have heard a little shoddy ad hoc jingle that I might have sung on the hoof, which might have been a bit of filtered through Abbey Road Studios, is what I've heard.

Oh, one coach band.

I don't know how Mike producer Michael's doing it, but we're gonna make it into a jingle.

Okay, cool.

The world's first 50 grand jingle.

Yeah.

Okay, everyone, bye-bye.

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Suffs!

The new musical has made Tony award-winning history on Broadway.

We demand to be home!

Winner, best score!

We demand to be seen!

Winner, best book!

We demand to be quality!

It's a theatrical masterpiece that's thrilling, inspiring, dazzlingly entertaining, and unquestionably the most emotionally stirring musical this season.

Suffs, playing the Orpheum Theater, October 22nd through November 9th.

Tickets at BroadwaySF.com.