#482 - Zzamph, #VanMems and Potential Curry Gone Mad

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Speaker 1 Hello, everyone. Welcome to the Ellis James and John Robbins podcast.
Ellis, we've always said there are eight pillars of the Ellis James and John Robbins show. What are they? Punctuality.

Speaker 1 Punctuality is one. Empathy.
Empathy is two. Humour.
Humour is three. Three are the eight pillars.

Speaker 1 Eggs. Eggs.
Because I always have eggs. Yeah, and there's no food that doesn't contain eggs.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Tolerance. Tolerance?

Speaker 1 Queen. Queen? How many is that? That's six of the eight.
There's two more pillars of the Ellis and John.

Speaker 1 The Holy Ghost. The Holy Ghost.

Speaker 1 And trust. And trust.
And trust.

Speaker 1 And I want to talk about the eighth pillar today, which is trust.

Speaker 1 I was set the task of writing a scripted intro for this show, as we do every week. And I would lose the listener's trust if I wasn't part of the ninth pillar, which is honesty.

Speaker 1 When I say I lost confidence in an intro which imagined that ellis and i had just returned from the riyadh comedy festival

Speaker 1 i have never been more delighted that you lost the confidence well no you shouldn't be delighted day because i was making a serious point now i know you would have done it very well you would have done it and how did you get on maybe i'll do it in two weeks time or next week when i get my confidence back because

Speaker 1 You know, Jimi Hendrix and Miles Davis jammed with each other. Are you going to talk about a different Jimmy then? No, no, no.
But Jimi Hendrix and Miles Davis jammed with each other.

Speaker 1 I think Paul McCartney might have been there on base, but the tapes don't exist. Are you talking about when

Speaker 1 Louis C.K. and Jimmy Carr jam with each other? No, it's just the tapes don't exist.

Speaker 1 Obviously, the tape of your Riyadh intro for today doesn't exist because you haven't recorded it because I've recorded it. Lost confidence.
And it really piqued my interest.

Speaker 1 I'd love to see the latest draft. Would you? I would like to see the draft as well.
Well, you did ask to see the draft ahead of Dave. I did.
But I did lose confidence, so maybe I'll do it next week.

Speaker 1 But it'll be great humour. Oh, it'll be your steering satire.
Yeah. A few barbs against some fellow comedians who have let themselves down.
Nice. That's the problem.

Speaker 1 I got a little bit too angry when I was writing it. So that's the tone.

Speaker 1 I need to change the tone.

Speaker 1 I need to keep the barbs, but change the tone. Yeah, just barbs with a couple of jokes chucked in.
Exactly. Is that all you need? Yeah.
Because jokes lighten the atmosphere. Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's lovely to have a little bit of levs, isn't it? A little bit of levity in these intros. I was looking forward to using the phrase made-up games washing.

Speaker 1 Yeah. He is

Speaker 1 good.

Speaker 1 He is, isn't he? He is good. So we shall see.
Confluence has always been an issue with John, bizarrely.

Speaker 1 I love to read how good he is before it is recorded as well, often.

Speaker 1 That's what I like. Yeah, I like to check how good John is and maybe just email a few people to say, do you think John's really good? Because I'm just checking.

Speaker 1 Because we're one of those shows on BBC Sounds that does need checks and balances, John, Dave. Yeah, there's a little bit, a little bit here, a little bit there, but it's fine.
So we will see.

Speaker 1 We shall see what we shall see. Oh, looking forward.

Speaker 1 But delighted to be here.

Speaker 1 Our tour has now finished later tonight.

Speaker 1 Yes. Yeah, last show tonight.
Last show tonight. That's it.
And because of the way we record these, we are at the London Palladium, aren't we?

Speaker 1 Yes, but I will sound more excited on Tuesday because today is Friday and it's sort of a day off. So my body is having an adrenaline low.
Yeah. But we're not recording on Tuesday.
No.

Speaker 1 So if this was Tuesday, I'd be going, oh my god, it's our last show tonight. I'm so excited.

Speaker 1 You were very excited before the Apollo. Yes, very exciting.
It's nice to see, actually. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But what happens is that these we keep the Fridays free to record this show.

Speaker 1 The body goes into a natural

Speaker 1 adrenaline decline

Speaker 1 because the body thinks it's your day off. Yeah.
Unfortunately, no, content continues.

Speaker 1 So you have to fight the adrenaline decline with almond slices and chocolate that's just past its sell-by-date. Well, in one case, six months past its sell-by-did.
Yeah. And you could tell.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you could tell actually in hindsight. Yeah, because Dave's one of the hard boys who tried the chocolate went off in the summer.

Speaker 1 Okay, so let's fight the adrenaline decline because we are professionals and we believe in better. Oh, do you know what we should sorry? Is there not a better way than using almond slices?

Speaker 1 Why don't you just kind of slap you in the face or something? Actually, we could do slapping. I could do my Tibetan slapping.
This is what I was going to say. Before every show, John leathers himself.

Speaker 1 No, I used to do this on tour. Yeah.
I did this on tour and I'll do it now. Go on, let's make sure we got this for the for the cara.
cara.

Speaker 1 This is Tibetan techniques that my therapist taught me. Okay, so we do actually see John do this before when he's feeling a little bit lethargic.

Speaker 1 That's what you do do to the sky, ideally outside. Yeah.
And then you do this. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, you're not slapping yourself in the face like that daft competition that I always see footage of online. I've never seen me do anything daft.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I never do daft things.
You know that.

Speaker 1 Oh, this is what Tibetans do.

Speaker 1 I think they might do it with sticks, David. With Percival t-shirts on.

Speaker 1 Go on, do the fist.

Speaker 1 Do the fist.

Speaker 1 Is that Macaulay calking in home alone? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm swearing at myself.

Speaker 1 Why don't you.

Speaker 1 And then you feel.

Speaker 1 It's like going into an ice bath, but with your hands as the ice. Have you not considered just overdosing a coffee, which is what I do? Yeah, I've done that that already.
I've had four coffees today.

Speaker 1 Right, oh, okay, okay. Have you considered putting your face in very cold water? I've done that in the past.
Yeah, I could do that. My skin wouldn't like that, I don't think.
Oh, okay.

Speaker 1 Made a good sound.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so now I feel better. It's worth it.
It's good to hear you. Good.

Speaker 1 Right, what are we doing? Well, we did the Hammersmith Apollo on Wednesday night. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Always tremendous honour and a privilege to play that venue, which I think is the best theatre for comedy in certainly in the UK. It's wide and deep.
It's fantastic when you get it right.

Speaker 1 Yeah, did we get it right? We got it right.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and it's just so many people.

Speaker 1 Although we were at the Theatre Royal in Brighton on the Sunday, which is an absolute stonker. It's a beach.
It's a peach, and I would love to do that again.

Speaker 1 But obviously, it's smaller than the Apollo. But we had a little get together after the show, the Apollo.
Lots of friends and family, etc., came.

Speaker 1 And Izzy was talking to a friend of the show, Garth Quinn, after the

Speaker 1 after the gig.

Speaker 1 And she hadn't seen Gareth in a while, so she was like, oh, you know, what are you up to now?

Speaker 1 And one of the, because he's a writer, a comedy writer by trade, but one of the things he's doing is he's working for a company where he's pitching stuff, pitching stuff to various TV

Speaker 1 channels and platforms. A health podcast.

Speaker 1 No, that's because that's not stolen your idea, has he? That's my idea. That will fly.
That's my idea, and I've got ownership of that. I own health.
Yeah, whatever.

Speaker 1 If Gareth, if you're you're listening, because he does sometimes listen, when you're next pitching, please don't steal Ellis' idea for, quote, a health podcast. Brackets General.
Brackets General.

Speaker 1 Completely general. Yeah, but about health.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because it's clearly an Ellis idea that.
Your toes to your forehead and everything in between.

Speaker 1 That's the name of it. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Head, shoulders, knees, and toes. That's what you'd call it.

Speaker 1 We're rocking and rolling. This is creativity.
Or just the health podcast. Carry on.
Oh, but that was my idea, wasn't wasn't it? Health podcast. It was your idea.
And this is health podcast.

Speaker 1 It's a great idea.

Speaker 1 So he was talking to Izzy, and I stood next to him, but I was part of a different conversation.

Speaker 1 And she was saying, so what's it like then? He was like, well, I'm talking to Amazon Prime. I'm talking to Netflix.
I'm talking to Channel 4. I'm talking to the BBC, et cetera, et cetera.

Speaker 1 I'm talking to Disney Press. I'm talking to Apple.
And that's all they're interested in. is you is you two right what yeah and Izzy was like yeah and he was like yeah yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Amazon Prime, Apple TV, Amazon,

Speaker 1 Netflix, whatever. They're just interested in YouTube.
And Izzy was like, oh, I know where this is. Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 She was like, well, I mean,

Speaker 1 those taught me this. I'm not sure I want to work with Ellis with that damaged relationship, but this, I mean, this could make us extremely wealthy.
I mean, I've got ideas. Of course, I've got ideas.

Speaker 1 I've had loads of ideas. Maybe, oh, finally, I could write a sitcom.
It could be anything. And he was just talking to her.

Speaker 1 And she was like, okay, well, you know, we'd have to, maybe we'd have to to get a nanny or something. I don't know.
And then she realized that he's got a Welsh accent, and he was saying YouTube. Oh,

Speaker 1 and after about 10 seconds, she went, Oh,

Speaker 1 okay.

Speaker 1 Back on terra firma. Back on terra firma.
She was like, Why hasn't my agent told me that I'm the most heirless and I am the most in-demand couple in global television?

Speaker 1 Okay, let's take a, for instance, that you and Izzy are the only word on the lips of Amazon Prime, Apple TV, Apple TV, Disney Plus, Disney Plus Network, Netflix, BBC ITV, Channel 4. Okay, so Ellis,

Speaker 1 they've called a meeting. Your agents, you've got enough power in this situation that your agents have said to them, we need to get you all in a room at the same time.
I can call the shots.

Speaker 1 So you arrive at the head offices of MNC Saatchi Merlin.

Speaker 1 You and Izzy are outside. You're grabbing a coffee.
The receptionist welcomed you in. You're being shown to the room.
You walk in. Emily and Sarah are there.
Our agents.

Speaker 1 They sit you down at the table. There's Amazon.
Yeah. Disney Plus.

Speaker 1 Netflix. Amazon Prime.
Apple TV. Apple TV.

Speaker 1 They're all there.

Speaker 1 All of the suits. All the Americans.
And behind each of them, three other people. Make all his suitcases full of money.
Yeah. So you sit down and

Speaker 1 Emily says, okay, thanks everyone for coming. We really appreciate your time today.
Here they are. Here they are.

Speaker 1 The most in-demand couple in global entertainment. I think probably the easiest way to do this is Ellis, if you just give us

Speaker 1 your three big ideas. Yeah, okay.
Go. Well, number one, obviously health podcast.
Yep. But on the tally.

Speaker 1 Number two, health TV program. Health and TV program with Ellis.

Speaker 1 It's actually called Ellis's Health TV program with Ellis. I'm Disney.
Okay, this is just feeling a little bit... I'm Amazon Prime.

Speaker 1 This is just feeling a little bit like you're coming up with the idea now. Okay.
We just want to hear your picture. We want to hear your elevator pitches for the three big ideas.

Speaker 1 Well, I'll give you all three and then

Speaker 1 we'll see where we are. Okay.

Speaker 1 Number two:

Speaker 1 Ellis and his mum do a travelogue.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 It hasn't been done. It hasn't been done.

Speaker 1 Now they're writing down. Well, at this point, Izzy's livid.
Yeah, Izzy's not been a part of the first two ideas.

Speaker 1 No, no, no.

Speaker 1 She is. She's crying now.

Speaker 1 She's started to cry. This is a body we're experimenting on in the health podcast.
With Ellis James. With Ellis James.
So she's got a, you know, she's got a try all of these things.

Speaker 1 So she's like playing a corpse, like a failed actor, who's got a piece, like a part in,

Speaker 1 I don't know, silent weight.

Speaker 1 She's lying on a slab. Yeah, she's lying on a slab.
Okay. And so

Speaker 1 Zant and Chris,

Speaker 1 I mean, sort of, you know, the... Okay, Zant and Chris, you didn't mention that earlier, so we're writing that down for you.
Zant and Chris. Well, what are they doing?

Speaker 1 Because this is a show about you and Izzy. But you have

Speaker 1 Izzy is a corpse.

Speaker 1 Ellis is investigating her, and Sand and Chris are, I don't know what they're doing. They're telling me what to do.
Okay.

Speaker 1 So, you know, episode one, dock leaves. Right.

Speaker 1 What does a dock leaf do?

Speaker 1 The travelogue. So me and mom are driving around.

Speaker 1 I don't know, northern Egypt.

Speaker 1 Mom's not a good, great traveller. We're driving around,

Speaker 1 we're going from Aberidron to Abrustwith in a bigger car than she's got. But a smaller car than you've got.
But a smaller car than I've got. Which is still my.
It's a mini clubman.

Speaker 1 It's a mini clubman, and that's that's the angle because it's it's slightly bigger than my mum's car, slightly smaller than my car. So parking's going to be fine,

Speaker 1 but there's we've only really got room for where's the sort of

Speaker 1 hi, my name's uh Tim. I'm from from um

Speaker 1 uh netflix

Speaker 1 uh what's the sort of is there a journey they're going on together i'm not getting much by the way run to a bristwith all great tv shows are reliant on chemistry so paul and bob gone fishing okay

Speaker 1 um paul whitehouse and bob mortimer have great chemistry me and my mother have great chemistry but to see that chemistry develop you've really got to give us a hundred eps okay hi um so just introduce myself i'm i'm i'm zamp from

Speaker 1 Disney Plus. Yeah.
It's spelt ZZ AMPH.

Speaker 1 P P P P P P P.

Speaker 1 We are interested in chemistry, but the chemistry of you and Izzy. Yes.
So we're just wondering why you're. Izzy's in the car with a microphone and she's commentating on our chemistry.

Speaker 1 So she's okay. What's the third idea? The third idea

Speaker 1 is

Speaker 1 I learn how

Speaker 1 to

Speaker 1 play the

Speaker 1 clarinet

Speaker 1 underwater.

Speaker 1 And Izzy is in charge of turning the pages off the music,

Speaker 1 which is laminated.

Speaker 1 I see that more as channel four. Do you? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So now I'm looking at the commissioner and I'm sort of looking at them dead in the eye.

Speaker 1 I think they're looking at Emily and Sarah with big questions. This is like the Ali Dea of pitching.
Yes, it is. A mistake has been made.
They've got the wrong people.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Why something's gone badly off? Have you got any idea? Have you got it? I'm not part of the hottest couple in streaming.
No.

Speaker 1 All right, then

Speaker 1 we're on a trampoline, but we're trying to talk about our relationship problems.

Speaker 1 And now they start to pack up their little

Speaker 1 leather documents. We're bouncing up and down, which lightens the atmosphere but we're talking about where our relationship is going wrong the ups and downs of ellis and izzy

Speaker 1 the name actually dying dying dying dying when you're under pressure you become emotionally distant dying dying dying

Speaker 1 but the camera never moves so it's only when you're at the heights so yeah it's like the beginning of was it biker grove yes yes yes yes but for 2025 exactly it's a gen z biker grove about uh marital life yeah yeah exactly like that

Speaker 1 dying Dying, dying, dying. You sometimes make promises you don't keep.
Dying, dying, dying, dying, dying.

Speaker 1 Yeah, because you don't plan when things go wrong, you lose your temper. Dying, dying, dying, dying.
There we go. 100 Eps.
100 Eps.

Speaker 1 And that's called Ellison Is He Unchained on a trampoline. It's called the

Speaker 1 Ups and Downs of the University of the University of London. It's a fucking name.
Yeah, yeah, it is. The ups and downs of Ellison Iszy.
And now I'm a part of the IP, which I'm happy about.

Speaker 1 Yes, so Dave's coining it in.

Speaker 1 Good.

Speaker 1 Very good. In all seriousness, I would actually watch you and your mum driving around Wales.

Speaker 1 I actually think it's probably quite a nice one. Well, Abra Swiss.
Because your mother is wonderful. Yeah.
Abrahron, Tabra Swiss, lovely drive as well. You get to see the scene.
That's the problem.

Speaker 1 It's quite a familiar drive.

Speaker 1 So obviously you want people to be commenting on the unusual drugs. We'll go via Mozambique.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Ellison is mum.
Abra Swiss, Tabrayron, the long way round. You've called it the long way round.

Speaker 1 The wrong way round. the wrong way round

Speaker 1 very good um so look forward to that hitting screens in all screens all screams all screens in 2028

Speaker 1 speaking of road trips which would translate ideally to a hundred part streaming service or a

Speaker 1 what would you call it well it's a

Speaker 1 travel log isn't it i suppose yeah a travel log that would work well on channels one two four and five um probably not quite right for ITV but who knows it's time for the final installment of Ellis and John's Road to Nowhere where we get updates from our jaunts around the country where we've been doing a variety of things for no profit hoping to break even on costs alone through donations from well-wishers along our route even though we are traveling about an average of 60 miles an hour so we've got enormous yeah enormous nets on the side of the van and they chuck their coins every so often I will admit,

Speaker 1 they've missed and caused a cracked windscreen. So the insurance

Speaker 1 eye-watering stuff is Ellison Johns Road to Nowhere.

Speaker 1 Well, it's mixed emotions here

Speaker 1 in

Speaker 1 the converted

Speaker 1 Volkswagen transporter

Speaker 1 because

Speaker 1 crafter, not a transporter,

Speaker 1 though they do convert transporters, don't they, Giles? They do, of course, they're called caravels. Caravels! We're returning from a lovely show at Portsmouth, birthplace of Isambard Kingdom Brunel.

Speaker 1 Not just a Wetherspoons, not just a Wetherspoons, and I believe also Mike Wozniak. But despite the gig being great fun,

Speaker 1 it's the final journey in the sad van.

Speaker 1 I'm gonna miss this old girl.

Speaker 1 I'm gonna miss the the leather seats which are very comfy yeah I'm going to miss the recessed cup holders which being honest could do with another inch of depth

Speaker 1 because as you can see my thermos which I make my coffee in to bring with me yeah that's wiggling around yeah but the size of Ellis's thighs and they are they they are thinking of the bigger thighed person would maybe graze the bottom of a deeper cup holder no they wouldn't because his thighs are big but his legs are tiny.

Speaker 1 True, very true. Which dangle off the end of the sea don't they? Yeah they're like

Speaker 1 you know those miniature sort of strings of treats though you get where they're very small but quite wide.

Speaker 1 There's like two of those and his knee is the string in the middle.

Speaker 1 So it's tears in the eyes as we wave our goodbyes. Also, I have had to issue a formal apology to Giles.

Speaker 1 Just a couple of days ago, in fact yesterday, I sacked Giles for losing or discarding or allowing Milton Jones to discard, who also shares this van with us, my Pizzana's dressings, which I had saved from a Pizza Express order.

Speaker 1 I searched the van twice. Yeah.
and couldn't find them yesterday when we had pizzas at the Apollo.

Speaker 1 And I took my rage out on Giles. I gave him a dressing down in front of the entire staff.
I said it was unacceptable. I gave him his P45

Speaker 1 then briefly rehired him on a contract to do the rest of the gig of the Apollo then fired him again once he dropped me off at home and hired him today on a temporary zero-hour contract

Speaker 1 but I have

Speaker 1 on returning to the van found a hidden little bag that I'd stuffed away for safekeeping. Too safe.
Too safe. And maybe with half a mind to keeping my pizza and A's dressings for myself.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And scurrying them away like

Speaker 1 a little squirrel might do. A selfish little squirrel.
A selfish little squirrel.

Speaker 1 Along with some sugar sachets and some wooden knives, forks and spoons. But luckily the air is clear and we've all got Pizza Naise dressing.

Speaker 1 And with that we bid our farewells to what has been a fantastic tour van. Many happy memories in here.
A couple of naps, some audiobooks, some great boggle and

Speaker 1 three or four read-throughs of my book draft. Hashtag van Mems.
Van Mems, if this was...

Speaker 1 If this was the end of a TV show,

Speaker 1 you'd kind of look back mistily to the different clips of what's happened with a bit of sad music. Yeah.
Time to say goodbye.

Speaker 1 And then Giles would drive the van off a cliff and jump out of an ejector seat with a parachute on and bass jump down and then flick the Vs at the camera and get the baddie all along. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh no, he was the baddie. Get on a speedboat.
He was a spy. Yes, anyway.
Turns out he was working for more money than Sense Boys all along. He was working for the more money than Sense Boys all along.

Speaker 1 So bye-bye, everyone. Bye-bye, fan.
Bye-bye, USB. Bye-bye, Vault Plug.

Speaker 1 Alright, baby. Bye-bye, recessed cup holders.
Bye-bye, Pizza Nace Dressing.

Speaker 1 Okay, well here we are at the Reading Hexagon and we've demolished pretty decent Chinese.

Speaker 1 My Sechuan prawns were on the globulus side,

Speaker 1 source-wise. So I'm giving it 6.9 out of 10, which is by no means bad.
Anyway, we're about to ask Giles anything. But before we ask Giles anything, what do you get for the Giles that has everything?

Speaker 1 I'll be right back, just forgot this isn't on camera. I'm exiting my

Speaker 1 room to go into the other room to get a little present for Giles.

Speaker 1 I say little present, it's actually a pretty sizable present for Giles. It's a number of different presents, because we buy good presents.

Speaker 1 Especially after I heard that one household name comedian, after his, I think, 50-day date tour

Speaker 1 got his tour manager as a present a £10 bottle of wine.

Speaker 1 He has rails with himself.

Speaker 1 Now then Giles. Here he is, he's back.
You've heard of the Toro Press.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm now proud to introduce the Toro bag. Right, do you have to talk us through this, John, for audio purposes?

Speaker 1 Well, Giles, you can open the card first, and then I'll talk everyone through the Toro bag.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Giles, if at any point you're very moved,

Speaker 1 don't feel shy about crying.

Speaker 1 Yeah, because John will monetise it. Yes.
That's where the awards are at. That's where the awards come in.

Speaker 1 Gilo, that's got to be Dave, because obviously no one in Manchester uses any of his real name. I like Jil.

Speaker 1 What an absolute pleasure it's been to.

Speaker 1 It starts with an E. That's a experience.
I know it. Energise.
What's that say?

Speaker 1 I'll read it to you, Giles. Erotic.

Speaker 1 Oh, gosh.

Speaker 1 Can't read his own writing. I can.
Gilo. Yeah.
What an absolute pleasure it's been to gallivant

Speaker 1 around the country with you. Where's the E in that? There is no E.
Okay. You make everything so easy.
The best there is. See you very soon.
Dave Kiss. Oh, it's a poem.

Speaker 1 Well, Giles is learning Welsh, so I began mine in Welsh. Arnoy, Giles.
Dear Giles. Dior and Bopbeth.
Thank you for everything. Tijor Gore.

Speaker 1 you're the best. Where would we be without you? Carrie Cymri, I love Wales.
Carrie T, I love you. El Kiss.

Speaker 1 I've said, dearest Giles, thank you for all your hard work and expertise and for making the sad bus so sad. But I've done it as an acrostic and it spells out special and delightful.
Alice!

Speaker 1 That's lovely. Thank you very much, gentlemen.
It's been an absolute pleasure being on the road with you guys. Giles.
No, honestly, it's been.

Speaker 1 Sometimes these things are not like work, are they? It's been a lot of fun.

Speaker 1 Unfortunately, this is not one of those occasions.

Speaker 1 Giles works extremely hard. No, it's too hard.
It's been brilliant. He's your driver.
He's your takeaway orderer until Dave took over.

Speaker 1 He's your sound expert, your

Speaker 1 light expert, your screen operator, your sound checker, your

Speaker 1 finder of ice. And then your driver again.
And then your driver again. So Giles, to commemorate we've got you the toro bag

Speaker 1 uh this is a bag ideal for either the commuting executive or the hiker on the go who wants to look fashionable yeah that's a waterproof bobble hat yep in tour colours it is in tour oh that's nice i love a sock waterproof socks for when you're hiking in penhuilly

Speaker 1 What's that, Giles? Well,

Speaker 1 this is for coffee, isn't it? It's a leading brand.

Speaker 1 I researched that for so long. Did you? Of course it did.
Did I feel good? No, I felt so stupid, and then it arrived and you can't fit aeropress in it. Okay.
I'll do it. But you have to make it.

Speaker 1 You just have to decamp it. You can if you use the funnel.
Okay, cool. What else, Giles? We don't know.
This is an exciting little treat.

Speaker 1 It's Nelson Specs, isn't it? It's a monocular. Where I live now, we're about a mile and a half from the sea, directly at the back of the house.

Speaker 1 And you get ships and bits and pieces going across. And sometimes you think, boy, you can wave at them.
And it'd be quite nice to

Speaker 1 watch the sunset behind the Wicklow Mountains in Ireland from the back of the house. That sounds nice.

Speaker 1 There's a book.

Speaker 1 Oh, man, alive. This may well bring the old stinging to the back of the eyes.
Is that good stuff? Oh, oh. What is it, Giles? Tell us about it.

Speaker 1 So it's a book entitled London Theatres by Michael Coveney and Peter Daisley with a foreword by Mark Rylance. Oh, my days.

Speaker 1 Well, Giles, the reason we bought Giles this is that Giles really loves, especially the old Victorian and Edwardian matching theatres. As do I, actually.

Speaker 1 I get a real buzz from performing in the old theatres.

Speaker 1 I will look for the one I've spent the most, I've spent the most time is the Gilger Theatre on Shalesbury Avenue. Oh, yeah.
And I'll look. Oh, the Lyceum.
You've done a few things in the Lyceum.

Speaker 1 That's a lot of fun. Well, we're doing the Palladium on Tuesday.
We are doing the Palladium. And And you've never put on a show at the Palladium.
I've never been in the Palladium. That's incredible.

Speaker 1 No, I've been to see stuff there, but Dominion, a friend of mine, used to work in the box. I was at the Dominion many years ago.
That's where Weebler Rocky was for 20 years. Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's sort of the London Palladium.

Speaker 1 Oh, my days. Royal Opera House will probably be in there.
That's a lovely place. Well done, John.
Done shows. This is this is.

Speaker 1 Excuse me.

Speaker 1 Whose idea? I wasn't going to bring it up, but now you've just said, Well done, John. What? The London Theatres book was.
It was your idea.

Speaker 1 Oh, okay. Thank you, Ella.

Speaker 1 I wasn't going to mention it.

Speaker 1 So, ask Giles anything. We've had questions sent in from listeners to the show.
First question for the AGA is from Nicola. Hello, Nicola.

Speaker 1 Across the tour, what has surprised you most about Ellis, John, or Dave? Well, he already knew how wise I was. He knew the wisdom of it.
That's not going to be a surprise. That's the thing.

Speaker 1 I've toured with Ellis. and John before and I've done two tours with John.
Yeah. So there's no real surprises as far as John was concerned because

Speaker 1 I understand how his touring day should go. Yeah.
So much silence. Tibetan levels of silence.
Tibetan levels of silence, which is fine. Nothing really.
No, I just

Speaker 1 all been jolly nice chaps. All right, then.
Well, Phil has asked who out of Alice, John and Dave is the best passenger in the van and why.

Speaker 1 I'll be happy for you to say John, given that John has been in the most. I am going to say John.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's always a cheery hello and always a thank you and stuff, but that's probably because he said everyone in the van at the end of the night so yeah it'd be so weird if I just walked out in complete silence

Speaker 1 and he'd driven me all that.

Speaker 1 Has happened John in the past with

Speaker 1 yeah.

Speaker 1 Give us a yes or no as to whether you want to answer this question. Snog marry avoid Ellis John and Dave.

Speaker 1 That's from Kat.

Speaker 1 Snog all, marry all, avoid none. Oh

Speaker 1 yeah, fair enough. Fair enough.
Fair enough. Daniel's just asks, how are you so patient?

Speaker 1 Because there's people in the world that are going through some dreadful things and all we're doing is going to theatres and putting on shows. Exactly.
This is what I love about your final question.

Speaker 1 What three things does every tour manager need to be a good tour manager?

Speaker 1 What do you need?

Speaker 1 You need patience.

Speaker 1 You need the degree of technical knowledge that you say you have.

Speaker 1 Oh, very good points.

Speaker 1 And what would the third thing be? You also need to...

Speaker 1 You could say this is with the patience. When things are not going well in a venue technically for any reason

Speaker 1 you need to make sure you're not running around like a headless chicken running going it's all gone wrong absolutely you just need to make it all calm and say show's gonna be fine off we go get on stage half seven bang done not an issue if you excuse me one second everybody you're now gonna hear me live uh starting the music for the show of course

Speaker 1 you want to keep this going oh we can still hear giles as he does this

Speaker 1 right let's go down here so i'm just going down the corridor with steve now and uh what i'm going to do is, before we start the show, I'm going to have a quick look on stage, make sure everything's in place.

Speaker 1 Please, I can still hear it. Which is what I'm doing now.
Just go up the stairs. He's talking us through it.
He's going to have a quick look on stage, make sure everything's in place.

Speaker 1 I'm not even going to point out that

Speaker 1 sometimes the patience doesn't apply to

Speaker 1 road closures.

Speaker 1 Did you have a couple on the way back from Portsmouth? We had one small one on the way back from Portsmouth. Thanks, Steve.
We're all good to go. House is yours.

Speaker 1 Oh, see, it's quite a simple job, in the end, isn't it?

Speaker 1 I've known him for years. I've been coming here since 1988.
He's very good if he knows it's happening in advance. Absolutely.
The C-word gets a couple of airings, doesn't it? What a venue.

Speaker 1 What a place.

Speaker 1 Hi, Giles. All right.
I heard all of that. It's really interesting.
Good. From Ben.
What's the friendliest town or city you've put a show on in?

Speaker 1 And I would go further and actually, if you wanted to name a venue as well, that's absolutely fine.

Speaker 1 I mean, as I hope to keep continuing this job for a long time, I'm not going to name a favourite venue. I like Birmingham to go into.
I like Glasgow to go into. Yes,

Speaker 1 as well. There's some great theatres in Glasgow, some absolute belters in Glasgow.
This is from Kay. Yeah.
How do you drink so much and not need the toilet?

Speaker 1 This is not from Kay, this is from someone in this room, isn't it?

Speaker 1 It is from Kay, but it might have been

Speaker 1 prompted by something, John has said. Prompted by an observation.

Speaker 1 I have tactical weeks. Do you?

Speaker 1 At certain times, yeah. Okay, great.
So you need to be in the verse. You've got to show yourself.
You're not in the verse.

Speaker 1 This is from Caroline. If there was a spare seat in the sad van with Ellis, John and Dave, which mystery guest passenger would you choose and why? Mystery guest passenger.
Joan of Arc.

Speaker 1 Do you know what I'm going to go for? Because it's been mentioned quite a lot as we've been out and I just think he'd be quite an interesting character. Adrian Chiles.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 Yes. Because I think you'd get some good stories out of Adrian.
Even if we're just just repeating his columns. And he knows the guys already, so he fits right in.
So it's not going to be a problem.

Speaker 1 That would be good, actually. And I could imagine going, so is this what you do? And do I stand here? He'd be asking you if it was alright, if things were okay.
Very curious.

Speaker 1 And he'd be one of the boys. Well, Giles, that was your AGA.
Thank you very much. And thank you for the tour air bag.
And thank you for your time on this tour. Honestly, it's been...
a right laugh.

Speaker 1 It's been super.

Speaker 1 Welcome. And that's it from the road to nowhere, isn't it, John? John, put the bag down just for a second.
It's got so many facets Dave, but it's also got an innate simplicity to it. It has.

Speaker 1 And these bits come out.

Speaker 1 It's endless possibility. Yes, we better go, Dave.
We'd better go. The show must go on.
Back to us in the studio, eh, John? Yes. Hello, John.

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Speaker 1 Okay, that was Road to Nowhere. Shall we play a made-up game? Oh, yes, please.
Don't you want to reflect on some of the highlights of the Road to Nowhere recording, Dave? Of course, John Go.

Speaker 1 What was your favourite? What were your top five favourite moments?

Speaker 1 The favourite moment for me was our run. From the recording, Dave.
From the recording, of course, from the recording that we just enjoyed. I enjoyed the banter.
Yes, I enjoyed the banter.

Speaker 1 I loved it when you pulled Dave's trousers down. Yes, that was a highlight.
I liked it when Ellis gave me 50 quid twice. Yeah,

Speaker 1 but put it up your bum.

Speaker 1 And I liked it when we talked about how we had what I wanted for takeaway.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And you all bought me my weekly shop from the M ⁇ S.
Those are my favourite bits. Good.
That's a present for being good. You might have guessed.
We're recording this before.

Speaker 1 We've heard what will go in the Road Snowhare package. Ah, a classic Robin's curveball.
Oh, it's lovely to hear.

Speaker 1 You are more prankster than friend.

Speaker 1 See, isn't he cheeky?

Speaker 1 He's such a prankster. All right, Made Up Games.
This week, Jingle is from Matt again.

Speaker 1 Played first time a few weeks ago, but it's bloody brilliant. So here is Matt's Made Up Games Jingle.

Speaker 1 It's one game, and you need some luck with strange rules.

Speaker 1 Cause they're all made up to score points. Like they're playing tennis, but it's cool.

Speaker 1 I step and danced with one aim to be number one or if not.

Speaker 1 Just to have some fun, cause who knows? If John's eyes are closed or a Ellis

Speaker 1 has lost his mind, the day

Speaker 1 of day,

Speaker 1 Love it. I mean, it's got a genuine structure to it.
Yeah, that's a good song. It's got a bridge, I think.

Speaker 1 Don't really know what a bridge is, but I think it's got a bridge that then builds to the chorus.

Speaker 1 It's amazing stuff. Yep, it's good stuff.
So, every week we do play a different game that has been sent in by a listener. Scores on the doors.

Speaker 1 After John's win in Todger Tennis last week, John has the advantage. Hello.
And now, of course, it could drop back down to juice again and go to advantage again and drop down to juice again. Yeah.

Speaker 1 We've found ourselves. It's not all day.
It's your own time you're wasting. It really is.

Speaker 1 And my gosh, are we wasting time with this? But there will be a winner eventually. John is leading two loving games and one love in sets.
So Ellis, you need to win this to just... I liked that

Speaker 1 collection of sentences there. John has the advantage.
John's leading two love. John's leading one love.
There was a lot of John's success in that paragraph.

Speaker 1 It's currently all coming up smelling of robins. It is.
Oh, what a smell it is. And I do worry about

Speaker 1 the game for Ellis,

Speaker 1 as we will explain now, because it does come from the the results of something that was a slight misstep a few weeks ago. So we'll get into the game.

Speaker 1 This week's is from James to the sweetest peas from my favourite pod.

Speaker 1 I was listening to your fantastic podcast recently when John himself inadvertently stumbled upon a brilliant made-up game. It does happen.
It does happen.

Speaker 1 You see, it was during a previous made-up game that will now be forever known as 15cm credit card gate

Speaker 1 when the aforementioned John used his massive brain and guns to sketch very accurately a credit card in order to help him guess correctly the size of a credit card.

Speaker 1 Well, there's a made-up game in itself, I thought. They'll be inundated with emails about that.
I'm playing it next week, my inner monologue continued. If I could change one thing.

Speaker 1 And I've been alive since November 1980. It'll be the size that you drew the credit card.
Yeah. Because it was too big.
Well, that's a lovely reflection on a life well lived. Yeah.

Speaker 1 That would would not get close to the top thousand on my list. It's overtaken Falkland Islands, Faroe Islands gate.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And I'm going to have to say it again. I'm the kind of person who knows where the pharaohs are.
I'm the kind of person who knows where the Falklands are.

Speaker 1 Pharaoh's doing quite well in the World Cup qualifying, aren't they? Yes. Yeah.
So just for a bit of context, in that game that

Speaker 1 James is referring to, Ellis tried to draw an accurate sized credit card. Yeah, and it was basically the size of

Speaker 1 a bluestone at Stonehenge.

Speaker 1 Yeah, because he overestimated the width of the credit card.

Speaker 1 It was longer than a pint glass.

Speaker 1 So you'll be delighted to know we're doing a whole game on that sort of thing. That's really good.

Speaker 1 This made-up game is mine and all mine for the taking, says James. So I re-gift to you the gift you gifted to me of the made-up game.

Speaker 1 I'm calling.

Speaker 1 I'm calling 3-2-1-Draw. The rules are simple.
Players are to draw, simultaneously and privately, within a time limit of 30 seconds, the outline of standardized and recognizable items.

Speaker 1 Dave will then overlay the real-life object. Oh, that's nice.
Or the size of the real life object, the real life object, and work out whose drawing is closest to the correct size.

Speaker 1 I've got to say I'm not a skilled pensman. I don't think you need to be for this.
It's more about dimensions and perspectives.

Speaker 1 Okay, are we doing these on the back of our sheets absolutely not we've bought some special uh bought some special items uh i feel like i've been set up to fail no but what a win if you win like alan shino when he took newcastle down

Speaker 1 what a victory because no one's expecting that's what they said about alan sheer if he keeps them up but he didn't but he didn't

Speaker 1 uh five rounds most points at the end wins so yeah we've got some stuff here right just try i'm gonna trust you to just not look over in this direction because there's stuff that you

Speaker 1 don't really need. I'm going to look at Michael and soft, Dave.
Okay, that's fine. I'm going to look at Michael and off.
Make sure they're not slacking off and going on MySpace or anything.

Speaker 1 There you go, Al. So you've got two A3-sized whiteboards with

Speaker 1 marker pens that do rub out.

Speaker 1 Okay. Oh, I got a notification on my phone to say that you bought these.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 I was wondering what that was.

Speaker 1 Okay, lovely. I love it.
After those notifications, I usually get a text from John asking me what the purchase was and why I've bought it. I trust you.
Yeah, I know you do.

Speaker 1 Okay, so you've got your whiteboards.

Speaker 1 Why have they got sort of these on them? Well, I think you can stand it up if you wanted to. Anyway, it doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter to you. Does not matter.
No.

Speaker 1 You've got your whiteboards.

Speaker 1 With John, nothing matters and everything matters.

Speaker 1 You can't find the middle ground of it mattering a bit.

Speaker 1 Okay. It's very black, white.
John, put the... What are you doing? Well, I'm trying to work out what this bit is for.
Just don't use it.

Speaker 1 Dave, I don't know what you've been doing with this whiteboard, but there's pubic hair on mine. Oh, God.

Speaker 1 Do you want to picture it for the camera? Oh, no. Or can I blow it away? Because it's making me feel ill.
Blow it away. You don't want the pubes for the camera?

Speaker 1 That's a definite. No pubes for the carrot today, please.
Because I can't replace this.

Speaker 1 I could, but

Speaker 1 I'd have to get everyone to leave the room. It would be an HR issue.
Round one.

Speaker 1 A £10 note.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 And what I would say is, and I think... Wait, wait, wait, wait, John.
One stab at this. Oh, yeah.
You can't sketch and rub out. No sketching, rubbing out.
Do it. Put your pen down.
Yep.

Speaker 1 Okay, I've done it.

Speaker 1 John's locked in.

Speaker 1 No, you can't rub. I'm looking at you.
Come on, mate. You can't rub.

Speaker 1 I think they're slightly smaller than they used to be. They are.
They are smaller than they used to be. Do you remember the uplining credits of

Speaker 1 bread? Yes. Where they were massive.
Yeah. Okay.
I'm in. I'm too small.

Speaker 1 Okay, but put them on the table. John's in and I'm too small.
So to give a bit of visual colour to this, I mean, you know what's going on. They've drawn the size of a £10 note on a whiteboard.

Speaker 1 Here's a £10 note.

Speaker 1 Here it goes. Why don't you place that and see how close you are?

Speaker 1 John's too. John has gone quite big.
John's John's a big guy. John's a big guy.

Speaker 1 Okay, John's in. Okay.
I'm going to do the honours, John. So John was about, I'd say, half a centimetre too big.

Speaker 1 Ellis has got the rubber-the green here.

Speaker 1 But the thing is, you can't see how off that are. And that's why I've got tracing paper of the same size, John.

Speaker 1 Dave, you're a genius. So we need to work out what area is either over or under.
So they are both quite close.

Speaker 1 So I think it's now I've got tracing paper of the size of a £10 note so you can see just how close they are. Ellis's is slightly under so the tracing paper is important.

Speaker 1 That's hard to say who's got that. I think Ellis has got that.
Let's give it Ellis. Well I think you have to because he's got one dimension right

Speaker 1 and I've got one I've not got either dimension right. John's probably 5% bigger all the way around.
Yeah. Ellis.
Ellis is 7% bigger on one side. Yeah yeah.
And that's come back to haunt me. Yeah.

Speaker 1 So it's one of the things.

Speaker 1 I love the game. It's a good game and we will put some of these pictures on the carrots.
Do you know what? It would be a fun game to train for.

Speaker 1 You know, if you were going to do like the Olympics of drawing

Speaker 1 things, yeah. Do you know what you should have done, Dave? What's that, John? Is made these clear.

Speaker 1 What do you mean? Had clear, drawn it on clear with a chalk pen and then held it up through it. They were three pounds more expensive to buy.
You've made the right decision, Dave.

Speaker 1 Right, round number two, it's one nil to Alice. Okay, I love it.
A size nine shoe.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Now that's not uniform size. A UK size 9 shoe.
But what type of shoe?

Speaker 1 A van. A cowboy boot.
A van. But all shoes' soles are going to be different.
Are you just looking for the length here? I think we're looking for length and width at the widest point.

Speaker 1 Hmm. It's your standard sneaker shoe.
So, yeah,

Speaker 1 the footprint of. Yeah, but you're not going to be able to.
Because it depends what design the sole is. I think you need an oblong that it fits around.

Speaker 1 Okay, so it's height and width of the widest bits

Speaker 1 of a UK size 9 shoe. Ellis.

Speaker 1 What? Don't laugh at me. No, I just.
So, Ellis,

Speaker 1 is it head on? It's overhead, isn't it? Yeah, it's like the footprint. The footprint.
Oh, that's what you wanted.

Speaker 1 What's Ellis done?

Speaker 1 I've drawn it side on.

Speaker 1 Let me see. Stop stopping slaughing at me.
Let me see.

Speaker 1 Okay, that's fantastic.

Speaker 1 Stop laughing at me. I'm laughing with you.

Speaker 1 You're not laughing with me, Dave. That's what liars say.

Speaker 1 Just put a shoe next to that. So Alice has done the profile drawing of a shoe.
Yeah, like...

Speaker 1 Yeah!

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 I mean, John, I think it's yours for the taking. Alright.

Speaker 1 I think I might have got a bit small, but

Speaker 1 my shoes are size eight, so I could put my shoe next to it, and then you could allow for. No, we've got a measure.
We've got the trace. You've got it.

Speaker 1 Okay. I mean, if the length is there...

Speaker 1 That's easily a size 16.

Speaker 1 Like you getting that. Someone on a documentary is showing them that and saying how hard it is to get shoes.
So let's just clarify the point scoring for this one. We want the closest height and width.

Speaker 1 So John, quite pragmatically, has has basically done a rectangle. As long as the height of the rectangle and the width of the rectangle is close, we're taking that as the right measurement.

Speaker 1 Ellis's shoe has no width. Ellis

Speaker 1 shoe has no width because he's gone for a side on

Speaker 1 a side. And it looks, is that a Clark? Or is that?

Speaker 1 It's

Speaker 1 a red wing man. I'm going to say this was a wild choice.

Speaker 1 The shoe was a wild choice. I think it's a good choice.
John, get your tracing paper on your rectangle. Whoa, John is actually quite far off.

Speaker 1 Quite a way out. So I'd say John's a good three inches short

Speaker 1 and it's too wide. Now we laughed at Ellis.

Speaker 1 We laughed at Ellis, but the length of Ellis's shoe, which you can see from profile, obviously, is bang on.

Speaker 1 But obviously, we can't see any width. It has no width.

Speaker 1 Because it's not 3D.

Speaker 1 I'm tempted to give it to Ellis again. I think because...
He's got one bang on. If you're looking at who's got the closest measurement, it is Ellis.

Speaker 1 And to be fair, I didn't think I had to say it. I didn't state that it should have been

Speaker 1 an unshooting.

Speaker 1 I only ever draw shoes side on, Dave. Well, yeah.
When I'm designing trainers for the future. It's very good lengthwise.
I thought that was way too big. Great.
Round three.

Speaker 1 I mean, it's sort of an erring, actually, how close my length is. No,

Speaker 1 it's really good. It's just a surprising

Speaker 1 perspective.

Speaker 1 It's off-cried with laughter. It's good stuff because I don't think anyone saw that coming.

Speaker 1 Right, round three is

Speaker 1 a multi-pack size Mars bar.

Speaker 1 What do you mean? But I think we need to be specific with that. We're not talking mini-Mars bars.
I'd say it's a standard size Mars bar. Standard size.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Can you picture what a multi-pack size Mars bar looks like? I think so, yeah. Okay.
Well done it. You can't do it again.
You can't do it again. John's playing by the rules, and I respect that.

Speaker 1 It's a multi-pack size Mars bar.

Speaker 1 I'm looking at John's. I don't think that's far off.
I'm looking at Alice's. These are very close.
These are very close. Here's the Mars bar.
John. Yeah, that's the size I was imagining.

Speaker 1 Wacky Mars bar. And I've got the tracing paper version as well.

Speaker 1 That's very good, actually. Let's go for the tracing paper.
I'm a little. I've nailed the width.
Width is banned. The lines aren't straight.

Speaker 1 Okay, Ellis, place the tracing paper on your sketch of a Mars bar.

Speaker 1 The width is bang on, it's too long. The width is bang on.

Speaker 1 The length, you're out by about a centimetre and a half, two centimetres. Right, the width was bang on for both.
John's was slightly closer in length, so it's 2-1. 2-1.
So, Ellis, this is to win.

Speaker 1 Okay. Okay,

Speaker 1 if you grab this point.

Speaker 1 We've had a £10 note, a size 9 shoe, a multi-pack Mars bar, and now we go to a 7-inch vinyl. Oh.
A 7-inch single, you mean? A 7-inch single, yeah.

Speaker 1 7-inch record, and that's the record itself, obviously not the box, not the casing that it comes in. I'm very bad at drawing circles, Dave.

Speaker 1 Well, all humans are.

Speaker 1 No, there's a World Circle Drawing Championship freehand. Is there? Yeah, it's amazing to watch.
One go, one go only. John's got his...

Speaker 1 Well,

Speaker 1 I'm not going to give away his technique, but.

Speaker 1 Well, I can now because Alice has done his. He's got his index finger and his thumb out to try and figure out how long seven inches might be.

Speaker 1 Both respecting the serious nature of the game, taking it. I think mine is too small.
Okay. Well, that's just.

Speaker 1 I think John is a cheat.

Speaker 1 Why am I a cheat? He's using your fingers. Just use the old eyeballs.

Speaker 1 You're allowed to. Just use your fingers.
Use your eyeballs. And he's he's off.
And he's twisting the board with his hand planted firmly in the middle.

Speaker 1 This is

Speaker 1 absolutely amazing.

Speaker 1 If he pills this off, and that's the size of a seven-inch single, that is

Speaker 1 radio gold. He planted his

Speaker 1 swim in the sense like a compass and then rotated around. So it's a very...
I think Ellis has done well. I have to admire John's initiative.

Speaker 1 okay here we go we've got paul mccartney i think ellis has got it i do it's paul mccartney's pipes of peace for 49p where did you get that where did we get that michael from the charity shop

Speaker 1 lovely stuff was right with the fingers he's got sockless pumps on he's got pumps on his socks on the cover look how handsome he is okay let's go sorry

Speaker 1 sorry sorry sorry uh seven inch single john place it on your diagram please i'm not confident it's too big too big and then here comes ellis with his seven inch single.

Speaker 1 It's not bad at all, I'd say. I'd say that's bang on.
I mean, some of the dimensions are spot-on. The only bits that are slightly wider, I'd say, are by three or four millimeters.

Speaker 1 But that's because he can't draw a perfect circle because he's not a robot.

Speaker 1 He's amazed me. I'm amazed.
I've

Speaker 1 amazed myself. Well, there's closure here as well.
There's vindication. There is, actually, because you are absolutely...
hammered the pelt has thrown at you for not being able to draw a credit card

Speaker 1 on a daily basis

Speaker 1 well no, it wasn't that he wasn't able to draw it, it was that he wasn't able to guess the

Speaker 1 his drawing wasn't that far off. Well, because anyone.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but he just couldn't translate it into numbers. Yes.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 So I thought that a centimetre was far smaller than it actually is. You've redeemed yourself here, Al.
It's 3-1.

Speaker 1 We don't have to play the final round, which is going to be the measurements of a first iPhone,

Speaker 1 which is smaller than you think. An iPhone, the first generation iPhone from sort of 18 years ago.
Have you got one? Well, we've got the measurement on tracing paper, which would have worked.

Speaker 1 But it's 3-1 to Alice and

Speaker 1 I really enjoyed that game. That game would work really well as a board game because you would have the templates in the game and you could also make your own templates at home out of anything.

Speaker 1 Also, you could be like the size of the picture

Speaker 1 on mum's bedside table. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You could make your own outlines at home. Great fun to play with the kids, actually.
Get on to Hasbro. Get onto Hasbro or Waddington.
yes

Speaker 1 great that was a lovely game by james thanks james great game

Speaker 1 we'll take the best shots from that game and put it on the carousel on instagram if you follow five lives social accounts good stuff right what should we do now

Speaker 1 Well, I'm going to find a video of the guy drawing a perfect circle to show you in Ellis after the show. Well, in the meantime, shall we see if Ellis can connect to a fellow Welsh person?

Speaker 1 Yes, we shall. Can Ellis become the first ever Cymric connector to achieve five connections in a row? It's time to find out.
It's time to Cymru connect.

Speaker 1 It's another Cymru connection. Ellis thinks his tactics are sheer perfection.

Speaker 1 But his questions have one direction.

Speaker 1 Where did you go to school?

Speaker 1 Do you know Daffy

Speaker 1 No,

Speaker 1 come on, mate, you must do.

Speaker 1 And then often he will just list a name or three.

Speaker 1 Ignoring John's imploring, think like us to

Speaker 1 listeners, all are hoping if he can elevate his strategy to nifty,

Speaker 1 he'll achieve the magic fifty.

Speaker 1 Here we are. This is it.
He's made it to four successful connections in a row, and now just one more connection stands between Ellis James and Glory.

Speaker 1 We've been here before, though. Have we? Back in July, Ellis had the chance to achieve the FIFA, but he fell at the final hurdle.
Undeterred, he went again. He did not give up.
He kept connecting.

Speaker 1 We stand at the meeting place of history and destiny. This could be significant.

Speaker 1 First, an email about the significance of the Cymru connection that will hopefully get Ellis into the right mindset from Roland. Dear Ellis John and producer Dave, picture the scene.

Speaker 1 A train hurtling through the beating heart of Cardiff on a Friday afternoon.

Speaker 1 Sounds quite dangerous.

Speaker 1 Something's gone badly wrong.

Speaker 1 Sounds like Unstoppable with Denzel Washington. Tensions are high, elbows are flying, and one bloke's definitely wearing too much Links Africa.

Speaker 1 Suddenly, amidst the chaos, a woman quietly enjoying a podcast begins to sing. Not just any song, the song.
It's another Cymru connection. She croons goosebumps, actual goosebumps.

Speaker 1 Within seconds, others join in. A motley choir of commuters belting Ellis thinks his tactics are pure perfection.

Speaker 1 The entire carriage erupts. A Welsh flash mob.
People standing, some already standing. That's fine.
The harmonies? Surprisingly tight. Better than most regional choirs, I'd wager.

Speaker 1 When the song ends, there's a moment of silence. Then hugs.
Laughter. Emotional release.
A man in a WRU hoodie, openly weeping, says the Cymru connection matters. Powerful stuff.

Speaker 1 A young lad puts his phone down, actually puts it down, and says Ellis James makes him want to connect.

Speaker 1 A small child sitting on his mother's lap, chocolate cake smeared on his face, simply says, Ellis.

Speaker 1 Not everyone's thrilled, mind you. Two nuns break rank and say Ellis should get his effing act together, write his effing questions down and put some effing effort in.

Speaker 1 Strong language from Women of the Cloth, but fair criticism.

Speaker 1 Did I write this, Dave? Because it's super.

Speaker 1 It's really good. It's very you.
They add, quite rightly, that with only 3.1 million people in Wales and barely half of these

Speaker 1 able or eligible to call the show, achieving a connection rate between 50% is frankly disgraceful. Hard to argue with that.

Speaker 1 Still, and this is the key takeaway: roughly 90% of the carriage were broadly in favour of the Camry connection. Dave, this is the best email we've ever had.

Speaker 1 And that's got to be a win. Now, this scenario is technically fictional, but emotionally, spiritually, it's as real as it gets.

Speaker 1 It shows how a radio feature can unite a nation, or at the very least, a Cardiff-bound carriage. Keep up the good works, lads.
You're not just broadcasting, you're bringing the nation together.

Speaker 1 You're broadcasting for a better bonded Britain. My friend Stacey texted me a few months ago.

Speaker 1 She'd gone to a corporate event in Swansea where she had to do some networking and she was nervous about it. So she basically cum reconnected.
Oh, good. And people worked out what she was doing.

Speaker 1 And some said, oh, do you listen to Ellis and John? Yeah. And she said yes.
And then business cards were swapped. Great.
Come reconnecting your way through anxiety. That's lovely.
That's lovely.

Speaker 1 She was very nervous about having to do the networking.

Speaker 1 stuff.

Speaker 1 And she was like, so I just come reconnected it. And she said, but at the end of it, I felt really tired.
You know how like a like a sheepdog needs to rest?

Speaker 1 You'd have to be careful, though. Say, for example, you were meeting the CFO of Barrett Holmes at a corporate event.
And you couldn't go up to them and they say, oh, hi, I'm Pete.

Speaker 1 And you go, age in school? You could if they were Welsh. You couldn't go age in school.
If they were Welshist. You'd have to say, hello.
No. I'm John.
No. I'm interested in...
You don't say anything.

Speaker 1 You stare at them and you say age and school.

Speaker 1 Okay, let's see if Ellis can get five in a row. We've got a caller on the line from Wales.
Hello. Hello.
There are 60 seconds on the clock. It's all to play for.
Let's play for it.

Speaker 1 Let's come reconnect. Agent School? 39 Duraballen.
Where's that? In Swansea? Neath. Neath.
Neath Neath. Do you know my friend Chris Wavin? No.
Okay,

Speaker 1 if you went to university, where did you go? I didn't go to university. Okay, what do you do for a living?

Speaker 1 Television editor. Where do you live? Cardiff.
Do you know my friend Gareth Gwynne's brother, who's an editor, Andrew Quinn? Ooh,

Speaker 1 this is interesting. Um, okay.
Um, uh, who do you work for?

Speaker 1 BBC Freelance. BBC Freelance.
Uh, what programmes have you worked on?

Speaker 1 That's the last program you worked on, all sorts of programmes. Documentary on the Sea Empress, Match of the Day, Sports.
Ah, Match of the Day Sport. Oh, okay.
Um, so do you know Match of the Day?

Speaker 1 Do you know

Speaker 1 Andrew Richards works for BBC Sport Wheels? No. Okay, do you know Steph Guerrero? Yes.
Yo,

Speaker 1 okay.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Ellis, I think you've missed something pretty massive. Yeah, that could have been disaster.
I mean, you've got the point.

Speaker 1 It's in the bag, but you missed a moment of immortality. How? And I've got it.
Do you know what happened? I got it from the voice. I think that is Gareth Gwynne's brother.
Is it?

Speaker 1 It is. Oh, my God!

Speaker 1 Wow!

Speaker 1 That's incredible.

Speaker 1 I don't know if it counted.

Speaker 1 Well, he didn't, because he didn't then.

Speaker 1 No,

Speaker 1 if he had guessed you, that's not the format. The format would have been he'd have had to say, do you know Gareth Wayne? Yeah, yeah.
Because you. Oh, yes,

Speaker 1 do you know your brother? Yes, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yes,

Speaker 1 yes.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 Because you were in a band, weren't you?

Speaker 1 I was in a band.

Speaker 1 And when your parents were going to university and you were in the band, because. That's right, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yes. And you're a TV editor.
Yes. And you're almost your brother's identical voice Twitter.
Which makes sense. Yeah.
I really get that now.

Speaker 1 So have you not met before? No, never. Have we met, Andrea? No.

Speaker 1 We've been in the same room, but we've never met.

Speaker 1 And I was in a taxi once and you ran out in front of the taxi in the middle of Cardiff. It was after the BAFTAs one, yeah.
It would have been like that. You look very smart.
You were in your suit.

Speaker 1 But the taxi I was in in did nearly run you over. Thank you.
Yeah, good memories. Haven't been nice back.

Speaker 1 Yeah. That's it.
Oh my god, you do sound so much like your brother. Do you think so? Yeah, there's certain words.

Speaker 1 So, Gareth Gwynne is, well, we talked about Gareth literally earlier in this podcast episode. Yeah, I saw him on Wednesday night.

Speaker 1 Gareth Gwynne is not just a friend of the show, he's a friend of everyone. He is.
He also features very early on in this podcast

Speaker 1 history because he's in Robins Amongst the Pigeons

Speaker 1 as the shadowy Gwynne figure. Of course.

Speaker 1 But also, he must have loads of mutual connections with Ellis then.

Speaker 1 Yes, yeah. I thought you were going to go Brachan, Brachan, England.
Of course. But do you know why I didn't? Because he's also a TV editor.

Speaker 1 I thought maybe TV editors don't meet because they're always editing. It's a sort of solitary job, isn't it? Where you sort of work in a edit suite, just editing stuff.

Speaker 1 He's got some odd ideas, isn't he?

Speaker 1 Could it possibly go down that room? People never meet people in the same industry. Yeah, so I won't go down that route.
I actually...

Speaker 1 What I said about

Speaker 1 what I said about the credit card, and I wish there was one thing I hadn't done. I wish I could retract the last 15 seconds.

Speaker 1 You still got the win. I've still got the win.
Of course, you know Brechan England, who I saw very recently because I was with him in France.

Speaker 1 If you're Welsh and your first name is Brechan and your second name is England, is that going to cause you problems in school?

Speaker 1 It's quite a popular name in the sort of South Wales Valleys, Aberdeen sort of Merthyr region. Is it really? Interesting.
I know quite a few Englands. Huh.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 Yes, yes. Gareth Gwynn's brother, what's your name? Andrew.
Hey, Andrew,

Speaker 1 thank you so much for being part of the first ever

Speaker 1 Quint Connect. Yes, this is a great day, Alice.
You should be very proud.

Speaker 1 Of course you know Brechan. Sorry.
Yeah, you're on Brachan. Basically, I'm on drugs, Dave.

Speaker 1 I've got a drug problem, and sometimes I say stupid things about TV editing, which only someone who's a drug addict would say. So, I'd like to retract because I'm now clean,

Speaker 1 I've become clean at the last minute.

Speaker 1 I would like to apologise for things I said when I was high. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Like, I did a couple of different things. I thought that editors don't meet.
I sort of joined the army. I, you know, all these

Speaker 1 things that I'm probably not in my personality.

Speaker 1 So I would just like everyone to know that I've got a terrible drug problem, but now I'm better. Yeah, okay.

Speaker 1 What an odd way of excusing yourself. Because I'd be less embarrassed about that.
I won't be embarrassed at all about having a drug problem. No.

Speaker 1 But I am embarrassed about what I said about TV editing, which I said when I was high. Yeah, fine.
Now you're not. Great.
Now you're not. So, Andrew, we've got Steph, we've got...

Speaker 1 Brechan, we've got Gareth himself, of course.

Speaker 1 Anyone else?

Speaker 1 there would be many

Speaker 1 well Ben Partridge yeah I've met Ben a few times yeah yeah I mean I've met your mum oh well so have I so there we go

Speaker 1 well thank you very much for calling in what an absolute treat that was Ellis gets the Quinn Connect the Pfeiffer his name is up on the board Dave

Speaker 1 are the lords of Cymru Connecting which would be where

Speaker 1 well I mean this is actually what's the centre of Wales oh as in in a cricketing sense, or just right in the middle.

Speaker 1 What's right in the middle?

Speaker 1 That's a very Carnot.

Speaker 1 On the Carnot CC board. I used to organise meetings at Carnot Community Centre because it was easy for the North Wheelians and the South Wheelians to get there.
Well, that's the connecting base. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And we need to go there one day and put Ellis' name up on the board. That's quite nice.

Speaker 1 I mean, Edowelsh cricket, obviously, it's a Fire Gardens, but I think it's very sad that Glamorgan no longer plays St Helens. But that's a subject for a different podcast.
This time, yeah.

Speaker 1 Great. Great stuff.

Speaker 1 Well,

Speaker 1 no, this is good news because you are chipping your way back up to 50, but we're not there yet. I think this takes you to 48.
God, imagine how good I'd be if I wasn't on Drugsteam.

Speaker 1 Yeah, oh, you'd be on 65%. Or would I be.

Speaker 1 No, I'd probably be better on his performance and hunting. Right, okay, yeah.
Yeah. Okay.
Okay. Good.

Speaker 1 Okay. Well, what a wonderful high to go out on.
Yeah. Dave's off to a theatre for a top-level meet and greet.
Yes. Ellis is going home.
Yeah. And I am going potentially, not guaranteed, for a curry.

Speaker 1 Are you lovely? Not guaranteed. Potential curry.
Okay. I'm going to eat a yacht.
PC. It's PC gone mad.

Speaker 1 It's potential curry gone mad, Dave.

Speaker 1 But you can still go for your curry, even if I assume your...

Speaker 1 Your partner who you'd be going with isn't coming. My partner, Dave.
Your curry partner, I meant. Oh, your Dave partner.

Speaker 1 I've been to Curry's alone before. Yeah, this is alone.

Speaker 1 The Lovely Robin and some other pals from the Willy World Cup group. I love eating alone.
I'm going to eat alone tonight. I like it.

Speaker 1 Because I'm in London, got nothing to do because my contact doesn't come through for Idlewild tickets.

Speaker 1 So your contact is trapped in 2001.

Speaker 1 That's still relevant.

Speaker 1 You can't send a WhatsApp because the app hasn't been invented yet.

Speaker 1 You can't reply. And you don't have their mum's landline.

Speaker 1 John, they've nearly sold out Coco.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 1 Can you not buy a ticket, Dave? No, they have sold out Coco, I think. So

Speaker 1 I'm going to go for a kebab or something.

Speaker 1 Like a nice one. Like, you know, like a kind of

Speaker 1 an end-of-the-night 2 a.m. No.
Chuck the rubbish in the street kebab. No, like a nice Turkish type place.

Speaker 1 Very good. Well, lots of love to you all, and we'll see you next week.
Bye-bye. Goodbye.

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