#481 - The Mega Bond, £14.67 Savings and Dressed As A Big Kefir

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Hello, thank you for downloading this week's Ellis and John.

We've got the full compliment, obviously, Dave Masterman, John Robbins, Ellis James.

And I would say that the atmosphere in the room is

normal.

It's not up, it's not down, it's straight on the middle.

What do you think, Dave?

And this isn't a negative.

That's always followed by a negative.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay,

it's like when people say no offence, and they're about to cause great offense.

I'm not racist, but

genuinely not negative, but.

Aren't we seeing a hell of a lot of each other at the moment?

Yes, we are.

How did you make that sound like a negative, Dick?

No, no, no.

She is the thing.

It's just I'm seeing you two

three times more than I'm seeing my wife and kids at the minute, which

is a lovely bit of variation in my life.

Yeah.

I would say parenting suffered massively.

Culture Day today.

Was it?

Now, last year,

I got both my kids the sort of classic Welsh outfits.

We did the Apollo this week, and so I've been slightly out of the game.

As you thought, that's fine.

I'll sort that out on Thursday night before culture day.

So they have to go to school dressed as culture.

Dress as because obviously it's a South London primary school, so lots of kids with parents from various different places and backgrounds.

So you reflect the culture that you feel most suitable for.

Oh, you're so not culture as in, you know, your son's going dressed as Will Self,

your daughter's going dressed as Jermaine Greer.

And they review the...

Or yoghurt.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, they're looking like a big keffir.

No, no, no.

So, you know, if your parents are from a different country, you would reflect the national dress.

So you'd wear the national dress if your parents got together.

So what if your parents don't come from a country with a national dress associated with it?

Adidas Poppas, I suppose,

that's copper, capper in Stockport.

That's your culture, isn't it?

Yeah, it is, yeah.

Yeah, so I bought them uh, the classic Welsh outfits last year.

Um, we've moved the bedrooms around because they're getting a little bit older.

They've we've they've bought new, we've bought them new cupboards and wardrobes and all that kind of stuff.

Um, Izzy couldn't find them last night because we were in Portsmouth.

The ones she could find, they've grown out of.

So, obviously, I'm Welsh.

Izzy's father was Scottish, so we've got a lot of Scottish family.

My daughter,

she wore a blue K-pop demon hunters truck suit

to reflect her Korean heritage.

Well, the blue to reflect Scotland.

Oh, right, okay, that's a good idea.

Because it says K-pop demon hunters on it.

It looks like she's Korean or claiming to be Korean.

My son wore green pajama buttons because Izzy had to improvise this morning because I had a bit of a lie in because we got back late from Portsmouth.

He wore green pajama bottoms to reflect the bottom bit of the Welsh flag.

He wore a white shirt that he'd worn to a wedding in the summer

to reflect the background of the Welsh flag and a red Christmas jumper and trainers and he looked like it was lockdown and he'd had a nervous break.

Christmas, he must have had another red jumper that wasn't.

He didn't have another red jumper amazingly.

Oh,

he had an antidote trucksuit top, but the school are very hot on them not just wearing football stuff.

Because otherwise, it's easy.

You just turn up in an England country.

Unfortunately, that would require a family that they're able to plan more than 12 hours in advance.

Yeah.

So that can't happen.

But also, Izzy'd been very, she'd been in Cornwall at the start of the week.

But we've talked about this before.

On your Google calendar, you've got a six-month alert for Culture Day.

I did.

Then a five-month alert.

Then when you get to three, it's a weekly alert.

And then four weeks out, it's a daily alert that it's culture day.

Daily alert.

Well, I just thought it would be in the the wardrobe.

It would be fine.

It's just that I had forgotten that obviously we've moved stuff out.

Things have been mislaid.

So if I was sending my kids to school for culture.

How would you do it?

Well, no, but I'm just thinking what they would dress as, like Morris dancers.

Yes.

Well, what's Bristolian culture?

Like a big point of sight.

Huge spliff.

A big bridge?

Could you go as a bridge?

Could you go as a bridge?

Could you go as a bridge?

It's like work.

They could go as Isambard Kingdom Brunel with a big top hat.

Yeah.

You could go as Tricky with some gold teeth.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They could cause massive attack.

They could go as

Banksy.

Banksy.

With a big face mask.

Yeah.

Well, you just go as Banksy, but then you don't send them in.

Because no one knows who Banksy is.

Or say to the teachers they've come

as Banksy, but unfortunately, because Banksy commits...

let's be fair, illegal acts, I've arrested them.

So they're doing community service, or they're actually cleaning graffiti off buildings.

Yes.

Yeah.

Drucking anyone's tried to do a citizen's arrest on Bucksy.

I mean, I am fascinated by Banksy, probably more so, more than I should be.

But I do find it very interesting.

The whole, how's he, how does he do it?

How does he do it?

How does he do this?

Which gets away with these big spray paint pictures and stuff with no one kind of coming up to him going,

I can see you're doing it, so I now know who Banksy is.

And I'm causing this mentality.

And you do know who Banksy is.

Yes.

And it has, but I think it's because there's sort of people are willing the suspension disbelief.

They don't want to know who Banksy is.

So like the similar habits knock around with Santa Claus, for example.

You know,

I'm not going to say any more.

No.

Yeah.

But also, how often have you approached a workman on some scaffolding wearing high-vis and a helmet, going, Excuse me, mate, have you got a license to do that?

Because that's how he sort of vibes it, I think.

Yeah, it's true.

Yeah.

Why are you spray-painting

a tank that's firing iPads into a cloud?

I'll tell you what, though, John.

Ellis, John seems to know an awful lot about Banksy, doesn't he?

About

the processes of

how Banksy gets around with his

around the right age.

Yes.

He's extremely creative.

I've seen him do spaceships on moons on his piece of paper.

Yes, that's true.

He's certainly got the drawing ability.

Absolutely.

He's got the organizational ability.

Yeah.

The political prowess.

I think he does have.

Oh my god.

So, what's next in the show?

I think have we got any more anecdotes?

Because I think that's all that chat's finished.

Is it?

Yes.

That's it.

That's it.

Should we wrap up?

Well, I've got a right to reply.

Oh, have you?

If we, yeah,

I've been sent an email that

must have been anchored me.

So here we go.

This is from Mike.

Hello, my three musketeers.

In a recent Bureau de Change,

Ellis references recollection that the Queen Mother choked on a fishbone.

This could be a myth resulting from a BBC rehearsal staged well before her demise, which was labelled Operation Fishbone.

The Queen Mother had, in inverted commas, died, and all relevant contacts were tracked down to make their live contribution responding to the news.

All went brilliantly well, timings, music, and reaching the relevant parties, until the next day when someone in Australia had caught one of the contacts there and reported a death without the consequent orbit.

How do I know this?

The then deputy DG at the BBC lived near us and we were travelling back together on the tube on the rehearsal day.

He was enthused about how well it had all gone, a great success until the obituary appeared in Australia, all the best mic.

Oh, wow.

So I checked this.

Yeah.

The Queen Mother choked on a fishbone three times.

Ah.

She had to be operated on three times because she kept choking on fishbones in 1982 and 1986 and in 1993.

That's borderline careless, isn't it?

Fool me once.

Yeah.

Dave, shame on you.

Fool me twice.

Shame on me.

Fool me thrice.

Shame on the fish.

Does anyone know the full fool me once rhyme or whatever it is?

Fool me once, shame on me.

Fool me twice, shame on you.

Doesn't it just end it there?

I think that is it.

So yeah, she because I remember being in a restaurant when I was very little and my mum going, oh, there's there's bones in your fish.

Sorry, I thought I bought you a kid's one.

You need to be careful in case you choke like the queen mother.

Yeah.

So, so, yeah, sorry, Mike.

She did.

Okay, she had a problem.

Mike is sacked.

Queen Elizabeth, the queen mother, choked on a fish bone on at least three occasions, the first and most publicized of which was in November 1982 when she had an emergency operation to remove it.

She also experienced throat problems from fish bones in 1986 and 1993.

82.

During dinner at Royal Lodge in Windsor, a fish bone became lodged in her throat.

She was taken to the hospital for an emergency operation to remove it and reportedly joked about the incident afterwards, which means she was careless.

Mikey sacked, mate.

1986, she was admitted to a hospital in Scotland after a muscular spasm in her throat, which was linked to eating trout.

Yeah, nothing.

1993, a piece of salmon was removed from her throat during an operation at the Aberdeen Royal Infirmary.

Mike,

you've got a problem, mate.

Do you know who's got a problem?

Who?

The Queen Mother.

The Queen Mother cannot eat fish.

Stop eating fish.

Yeah.

But actually, fair play, she's clearly keen to have good bonce health because, as we know, the is it Omega-3 is, you know,

is rich in fish.

Of course, she's looking after her, she was looking after her brother.

It's just, I'm so routinely wrong, Dave.

Yes.

So it's nice to, for some, for once, be right.

Yeah, that's good.

I don't know what Mike's agenda is.

No, Mike's got problems.

Yeah, it's a shame.

That is a shame.

Anyway, sorry, I had to get that off my chest.

No, it's good.

It's good to get it covered off.

Sorry.

I just really, you know, I would hate to think that people don't know or don't think that I know the full story of how many times the Queen Mother choked on fish.

Yeah, yeah.

Right.

Only two dates left.

And Giles has become a big part of the Ellison John family.

Would you agree, Dave?

Giles has, and of course, it'll be our last road to nowhere released on Tuesday.

It will be.

As part of the various locations we've visited for no reason.

We've got Giles on stage at the Hammersmith Apollo.

It was an enormous cheer.

The biggest cheer of the night.

Yeah.

It was mad.

That's true.

But we're fine with that.

Yeah, yeah, another problem.

But it did come on.

He did come on.

It was like Elvis had been raised from the dead.

Yeah.

I mean, he's, you know, Giles' box office.

Giles is the tour manager.

Giles came off stage and made a very big point that he really didn't enjoy that and he didn't want that to happen.

And that actually was very unenjoyable for him, which are the three biggest lies I've ever heard in my life.

He absolutely loved it.

So if you have any questions for Giles, it's Ask Giles Anything.

We're going to do an Ask Giles Anything in the Road to Nowhere, aren't we?

Yeah, so do so.

How's best to send them in, Dave?

Yeah.

Email WhatsApp.

Are the two good spots to get us on because we're going to be

recording the final Road to Nowhere over the weekend?

So if you can get them in quick, we'll do a little AGA with Giles.

So you can WhatsApp us on 07974293022 or you you can email us on ellisandjohbc.co.uk.

Right, now that I feel unburdened and we've prepared lots of questions for Giles, I think we should find out if John has won again.

John wins again.

Oh, John wins again.

John wins again.

John wins again.

Wins again.

Wins again.

Yes, it's been quite a while since the last John wins again.

There's a lot of wins, there's a lot of losses.

Is there?

Yes.

First up, a shadow has been cast over October

because,

and I'm reaching my tether with NS and I.

I was bondless.

Oh, right.

I was bondless day for October.

Okay.

No prizes in the premium bonds.

But how often do you win?

Yeah, aren't you often bondless?

I shouldn't be.

Because you've got so many.

Well, considering average interest, I'm now starting to drastically lose out versus a savings account, which annoys me.

Yes.

But I can't resist the dream of the mega bond.

What's the mega bond again?

I know we've been through this, haven't we?

Million notes, Dave.

Is it a million?

Million sheets.

And it's only like one in 52 billion chance.

Oh, cool.

Is that actually what it is?

Something like that.

One in 52 billion.

Something like that.

And you've got your entire life savings in there.

Hoping for the mega.

There's a lot more than I should do.

So

bondless.

Bondless and Bible Black, Dave.

Bondless and Bible.

So you don't get anything?

No.

Okay.

Get Zilcho.

Okay.

I think you should get something, even if it's a badge.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Or a lollipop or something.

Or a card?

Or a card.

Yeah, for sure.

We're We're thinking of you, John.

Yeah, from the people of the world.

In this bond.

Saying, sorry, mate.

From everyone here at National Savings Investments.

So I'm giving it one more go, and then it's Isotown.

Are you going to just pull it out?

I got to.

It's madness, but then do I love the madness?

Because you have been honoring me to get premium bonds for probably 18 years.

No, I haven't, not in recent years.

Okay.

I've forwarded you links to more complex investment structures.

But it's like,

you know, if you're on a call waiting to

a help desk

and

you've been on it for 10 minutes and you go, I'm going to hang up.

I'm not, because

the speakerphone has transformed that now.

Yeah, you just let it go as you can.

Because you just let it go and then you can enter the dishwasher and do stuff.

Whereas before, you just actually had to sit at the land line.

But you can't.

What would you do with yourself, John?

Well, also.

I suppose you'd never know.

You'd never know.

Well, what if, like, one month, everyone removes all of their premium bonds, so it's just mine in there, and I win all the prizes.

That could happen.

How often is the mega bond won?

Twice a month.

Someone was a million quid twice a month.

Yeah.

That.

I suppose a million is not as much as it used to be.

It's not as much as it used to be.

No.

That's why there's two now, right?

I mean, it's still a lot of money.

You can get three Kaguls if you want a million quid.

The 333 grand Kagul.

So, yeah.

But we will remain to see what November holds.

Okay.

How much would you need to win to convince you that actually it's fine and you're going to keep the money in?

Well, no, because if I won anything more than like the low prizes, I would then take the money out and put it in ISA so that I was a sort of a double winner.

Okay.

Cool.

Yeah, it's cool, actually.

It's cool.

It's cool.

Next up,

it's a game of two halves because I increased my longest running distance

to 25.1 kilometers.

However, Dave,

let's talk chafing.

Let's talk pseudocreme.

Let's talk nail loss.

Oh my lord.

Because my nail came off.

Part of my nail came off.

Yeah.

I forgot to...

Well, I didn't lube up.

You can't use pseudocreme on your mind, John.

You can't use pseudochrome on your mind, but I seemed to have thought I was immune from chafing, but I'd just not run far enough for chafing to be an issue.

Yeah.

And it turns out, chafing becomes a problem about 20 kilometers.

But you don't realize until afterwards.

Which part of the body?

Sort of.

We talking gasset.

We're talking in the carriage.

Like the

crease between the top of the back of your leg and your bum.

Right.

That's my favourite bit.

It's

like inside back,

top of the thigh, but real top of the thigh.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The money.

Nothing to do with that.

So what do you do, Dave, to avoid chafing?

I've never been a big chafer.

Really?

Not sure why.

Nipples I often wear like.

Nipples are a problem at 12k plus.

Are they?

Chafing is a problem at 20k plus.

Yeah.

So I've got to remember to put my plasters and my body lotion next to the door so I don't forget them.

You couldn't have someone lubing you halfway around the room, could you?

That would be impractical.

The London.

It would be impossible, Dave.

It would be impossible.

Because you run so fast.

No, because I don't have anyone.

Dave.

I mean, I could employ someone.

Could you not just

ask a local taxi driver?

You've got a next-door neighbour you're close with.

Yeah, but they're not coming out on a 25-kilometre run.

Could you not maybe

employ someone who's sort of on gardening leave from a job or something?

That's a nice job for them.

Yeah, because they wouldn't be legally allowed to work in the same industry who's on gardening leave.

Yeah.

So unless they'd previously

been a Gusset luber for another marathon runner who was litigious,

they could do that for me.

So that's an option.

So what's the what?

So there's a win there, which is 21.5.

there is a loss with the chafing and the nail loss is an actual loss so what are you 17k short of a marathon yes that's incredible

oh i had you surrounded me my dream last night

you absolutely smoked me in a half marathon oh dear and it was i was genuinely surprised

and yeah it was horrible and as he kept edging away i thought i've not got this anymore john's actually faster than me

but you know why i'm having these dreams because john keeps telling me about the distances he's running i haven't even started my training really yet.

Dave, what if I beat you in the marathon?

It can't happen.

It would be

great content.

I will leave the podcast for starters.

This can't continue.

I managed to get tickets to a sold-out show of the band Geese Day.

Nice.

How did you manage that?

I pulled strings.

I fiddled knobs.

Oh, I just laced.

I laced palms.

I laced palms with silver.

What did you do?

I just asked someone if they could get me in.

Okay.

Oh, no, no.

A friend bought tickets and they had one spare.

Nice.

Where's the show?

It's at the Troxy.

Oh, lovely.

And we're in a booth.

Oh, are you?

Yeah, Dave.

It's going to be amazing.

Thanks, Jack.

Hashtag thanks, Jack.

Hard venues to get to and from, which I know will be something that will play on your.

I am going to ride there in hope and expectation and travel home on

the

wind of excitement and of being in the Zeitgeist.

Or should I say the Zeitgees?

Very good.

Should you?

It's a good question.

I think it might be the best album of the year.

Great, okay.

Everyone is banging on about geese, to be fair.

Not just John.

They were on Six Music the other week.

Yeah, I hit that.

I don't know whether they bothered the Mercury Prize, but maybe their album was released too late.

Because they're the kind of band that will be knocking about the Mercury music.

I hope Cameron Winter wins the Grammy.

And I am also a fan of the meme going round that says, Brat Summer is over, it's time for Cameron Winter.

Nice.

I like that meme.

How popular is that meme?

I've seen it twice.

Did you make the meme?

No, but I support that meme in all its goals.

Okay, so geese at Troxy is a win.

Yeah.

Now then.

Oh, this is not me.

On three occasions, I went to the supermarket and forgot to buy kitchen roll.

Oh,

three consecutive occasions.

And I came back and I saw the little kitchen roll holder empty and I thought, you've done it again.

It looks so stupid when it's empty.

It's so stupid.

It does.

And it sort of mocks you.

And it's such an important item that you only realise how important it is when you don't have it.

Yeah, yeah.

So I'm staring at the thing for the third time, going, John, this can't happen again.

Have you not got a little corner shop that's nearby?

No.

Ah, okay.

Do you not do a shopping list?

Yes, Dave.

So what happened there?

I forgot to put it on a shopping list each time.

It's cognitive to claim.

It's cogs.

Call it what it is.

It's cogs.

It's cogs.

And then...

and then my eyes shift behind the little jar of cornflower right behind the orange barley water squash dave yeah and wedged between the big blue pan and the cornflower and the squash there's a bug of dog mess

why do you keep going on about dog mess all the time because i'm surrounded by it well

quite a doggy area yeah

um between the the big blue pan and the cornflower and the squash was concealed a big roll of kitchen roll because I had hidden it there.

Why?

Because to be honest.

Why are you hiding kitchen roll from yourself?

Well, not hiding it.

It was just under the cupboard in a sort of blind spot.

Because I'd put it there to free up space in the cupboard under the sink where I keep cleaning items.

Yeah.

So it had been there all along.

So not only had I failed to get something from the shops, I'd failed to know I already had it and I'd had, you know, 10 days without kitchen roll.

You've been mocked by your own kitchen roll.

Yes,

it was laughing at me.

So that's forgot to buy kitchen rolls.

I forgot I had kitchen roll as well.

And then forgot to buy it.

I'm not sure I'd start a podcast with someone who does that kind of thing, actually.

I mean, we're in too deep now.

But

if this was week one, I'd be on the phone to my agent saying, get me out of it.

The guy's got cogs.

This is a guy, this is a game of two halves as well, Dave.

I woke up at 4:23 a.m.

immediately anxious about something I said to someone 21 years ago in university.

Okay.

Like, literally, I woke up with the anxiety about.

Had you been dreaming about it?

I don't think so.

He was dreaming about smoking me at a race.

Okay.

So you just woke up because of a noise or you needed a wee or whatever, but that was the first thought.

The first thought,

immediate sweats, blushing.

And you're spending a grand a week on therapy.

So I couldn't get back to sleep, and I needed sleep because of our tour schedule.

However,

I decided to go for a run as the sun came up.

Oh, nice.

Yes, John.

And I saw.

What time is that?

About 7.15, but that's actually when the sun comes up, but civil twilight is a bit before that.

Nautical twilight, I believe, before that.

Terror Twilight.

So I.

Well, that's when you can see the pavement.

Yes, very good.

You can hit the bell if you want, Dave.

I don't get that.

Terror Twilight was the final pavement album.

And it's named after that time of dusk when drivers don't put their car headlamps on.

Yeah.

And so it's more likely that you're going to crash.

So it's known.

I mean, it doesn't happen anymore.

Well, you can't hit the bell now.

Ellis should have hit the bell.

If he understood the gag, why isn't Alice?

It's not.

It's just my bell.

Yeah.

Ellis, hit the bell for the man.

there you go there we go um so as i was running the sun came up and all of the all of the pheasants woke up so they were bursting out from the sides of the road as i ran and i saw an owl oh

an owl going home to bed probably an owl going home to bed yeah walk of shame staring over

wondering what he's going to say to the wife high heels in their handbags wearing their flats um so what's this?

Saw an owl?

Saw an owl?

Yes.

And there was a tree covered in Ladybird's Days.

You've been awake since 4.23.

Yes.

You've got to make the most of it.

Little John.

I tend to go to bed.

About like half midnight.

Not at all.

It's okay.

It's okay.

Because I went for a run.

You'd be fine.

I am perilously close to being able to do prawns in an air fryer.

I don't want people to get too excited about it.

I'm working on my cornflower mix, as in like deep-fried prawns.

Yeah.

Okay.

When that happens, when I am able to do that, you will never see me again.

Yeah.

Because I will just eat prawns all day until I die.

Yeah.

And you can't broadcast that.

It'll just be prawn, euphoria, toilet.

Prawn euphoria toilet.

Prawn, euphoria, toilet.

Prawn, euphoria, toilet.

Death.

Death, Dave.

I don't know what column this is.

Yeah.

Do you know what?

It's not a win yet.

No.

The recipe's not there.

So actually, that's irrelevant.

So it's pending.

It's not a loss, though.

It's not a loss.

I'm not putting pending wins in.

No, okay.

I had to...

Okay, this is a long one.

There's lots of pros and cons, Dave.

I'm at a vape crossroads.

Dave.

Have you ever heard the term vape crossroads before?

No.

Oh, I think I'm going to have to knock it on the head.

It's very stressful.

What vaping is?

Yeah.

Are you?

Well, because I've reached a vape crossroads.

What will you.

I don't think I can do it, actually, so I might just have to accept whatever's coming.

Because, obviously, Robert Johnson, the Bruce Artist, sold his soul to the devil at a crossroads in exchange for his guitar abilities.

Okay.

Are you willing to sell your soul at the vape crossroads for a faster marathon time?

Is that what we're looking at?

Well, that's what we're trying to achieve.

But also,

my regular setup has started to let me down.

I think my regular supplier has changed the recipe.

Okay, so it's given me a sore throat and ulcers.

That ain't great.

Well, it's not great in general, is it?

It's not great in general.

It's a vape crossroads.

I think this is a win.

Well, wait till you're here, Dave.

Okay.

I went to a vape shop in Birmingham where a guy,

I was not expecting this to happen, just made me his own personal vape juice

in a corner of his shop.

Was that the the one that I saw that had it written on?

Yeah, it was written on.

It's a Skittles.

I don't know.

I've got him on bag if you want to get it.

He's got a see-through bottle on a piece of paper.

He doesn't have any stickers.

Have you seen that program on iPlayer

about the father and son?

Look at that.

The father and son

team who became the biggest sellers of steroids in Britain.

No.

Because they were making steroids in sort of a cow shed on their farm.

Didn't know you could make your own.

And it looked like that.

Yeah.

I saw this yesterday.

I told it up for the.

Well, you guys shouldn't put that on the calendar.

It's not a brand, is it, John?

No, but it's also not good.

It's actually not a brand.

I don't know if it's legal.

I saw him get out of his bag yesterday.

I thought, oh, you less, John.

He's doing his own

grape juice.

You imbibe it.

Yeah.

So.

Is it not a case of just...

trying lots of different brands?

Well, no, because the more you mix up

the sort of brands you're using, the more it bashes up your mouth, I'm finding.

Oh, right, okay.

And just because you're putting so many different additives and can you patch yourself up for life?

Well, I've got my patches, I've got my gum, but I just don't know if I can do it.

Anyway, so I'm at a vape crossroads.

So I had to go to a vape shop in a town near me.

The only parking was in a Sainsbury's.

And it was one of those...

Could have bought some kitchen, Rob.

Well, yes.

But it was one of those places where the parking is a pound unless you buy your shopping and then you get your refund at the till.

It's annoying.

It's so annoying.

Because it's A, not expensive enough for me to really be asked.

Yeah.

B, not expensive enough for there should even be a parking charge.

There's a Chesco near me that does that.

C, I'm going to forget, right?

And I'm going to get back to my car and realize I haven't asked them to refund it.

And then I'm not going to be asked to go back in for a quid because I've got all my shopping in in my car well not all your shopping because you won't have your kitchen roll won't have a kitchen roll

um but anyway i thought right okay i'll go in and do some shopping to justify getting my free pounds parking i go in they've got three for two on plant-based meats

so i just filled up my bag because i could put it in the freezer yeah

However, my nectar card wasn't working because I haven't used it for so long.

So I

text a friend to send me a screen grab of their nectar card.

Why?

So that I could get the three for two offer.

Because otherwise it wasn't, I couldn't get it.

You devastated me sometimes.

So I'm waiting there.

We did the Apollo on Wednesday.

I know.

The hammersmith Apollo.

Enough friends and seats.

I'm hanging out in the Sainsbury's waiting for the next day.

Hanging out.

Wait for the text.

The screen grab of the nectar card.

Is it 715 a.m.?

No,

it was about...

It was Saturday night.

It was about 10 in the morning.

So eventually I get the thing through.

Who did you text?

Just a friend

who I know nectars.

Yeah.

Because I don't usually nectar, but I've nectared in the past.

But it's that annoying thing where...

It's an app now.

Yes, but the app.

The password on the app isn't saved to my phone because I've had it since before my phone did that.

So it's obviously like written down on a piece of paper somewhere anyway.

So I get my discount, which is 13.67

in 13 quid.

13 quid.

Then I get back to the car and the ticket machines aren't even on.

They're brawl broken.

Right.

So I got free parking and £13.67 in savings equals £14.67 in savings.

Because I didn't have to pay for the pound for the parking.

Okay.

So I'm a huge winner.

Huge winner.

I'm an enormous winner.

Well, that's a good idea.

So, in theory, I lost the nectar points because they didn't go on my card.

But we'll let that slide.

Not very many, though, and you don't nectar very often.

I don't nectar very often.

How much do you say?

£14?

£14.67, Dave, just by trying to get a pounds-free parking that I didn't need in the end.

Okay.

So I'm just, I'm quids in.

Yeah.

Ellis.

Look, continue.

I've just got so many questions.

You know the thing you said when you were left university 21 years ago that woke you up at 4.23 and has now kept you awake

for nine hours.

Uh-huh.

Oh no, that wasn't today.

Oh, wasn't it?

No, it was last week.

Oh, okay.

I thought you were doing today's show on three hours sleep.

No, no, no.

Right.

I'm assuming that you can't get in touch with that person.

Uh,

I, that already makes me feel sick and hot in my head.

Okay, Well then just carry on the way you're going, man.

Seems to be working out.

It seems to be working out pretty well.

Pretty well.

Since changing my wordle starter word.

Yeah, will you text me what you said?

No, Ellis.

Let him forget about it again.

Since changing my wordle starter word, I have not won the Willie World Cup.

I've not been king of the week.

And I have to admit this because because I've been vocal about my successes, for the first time in history, my average solve

guesses has gone above the New York Times average.

I am no longer exceptional.

So you're worse than the median.

I'm worse than the average.

Word or woe.

Now, I've since got that back under control, but I have to be honest, Dave,

there were three days where my average solve was worse than the average New York Times reader who also has access to the app.

Not your average wordler.

So they're already a higher level of wordler because they're interested in the stats.

They're getting their statistics analyzed by the bot.

I am now oh that's good.

So New York Times average is four.

The Wordle bot is 3.7.

Mine is now 3.6.

So I'm better than a robot again.

But there was a time when I was always will be and I always will be better than a a robot, but there was a time.

A robot can turn off its anxiety.

Do robots get anxiety?

I don't know, but if they did,

you would just update the program and you

would

reboot the operating system.

Okay, Dave, so those are the

wins and the losses.

What are we dealing with, please?

A tricky one to keep track of.

I won't lie.

Better than a robot again is a win.

Yes, that's true, actually.

I hadn't seen that, but you've got the loss of me being worse than

an enthusiast.

Yeah, I've got Wordlewoes.

Yeah, Wordlewester as well.

Do you know what I'm not going to go through it all again?

One, two, three, four, five, six.

Ah, one, two, three, four.

It's 7-5 to the losses is what I have.

Okay.

You know what?

That might be a first, mightn't it?

No, I think there was a...

You definitely drew recently.

It's a mad feature.

That certainly feels tonally right.

It doesn't feel like a successful week.

No,

but you know,

we're only a couple of weeks away from fried prawns, so that'll be a big win.

Okay, yeah, the pending win.

Yeah, I've got to get to get that slurry consistency right.

So, you've got to make a cornflower slurry, Dave.

Yes,

uh, what's Google seeing?

I'm not asking Google.

Oh, you just find it anywhere near that bad boy anymore.

Are you not?

Well, maybe.

No one's it's hard to stay completely away from it, I'm afraid.

It is.

I have concerns about AI, Dave.

Oh, if you've heard of AI.

I've heard of AI's Smith, isn't it not?

John sent me and a couple of friends five texts about AI that are absolutely haunting.

I mean, I've not woken up yet, worried about it.

But it is nice to know that in 10 years' time, our life is going to change forever and none of us would be better off.

And John will say, I told you, enjoy the good times.

Yeah.

Okay.

But But is it based, are these little morsels of text from John based on fact or is it just your thoughts, John?

At this stage?

There's some interesting books and podcasts about AI.

Yeah, yes, I'm sure there are.

Maybe part of the problem is we're not listening to thoughts anymore and concentrating a little bit too much on facts, which are generated by AI.

And what are AI facts, things you want to hear?

That reminds me of something.

Because it's trying to please you.

We are losing the ability of human thought.

Yeah, critical, uh for our critical faculties yeah critical thinking that reminds me of something miles jubb said about john once when i was on a train with him he said yeah love john find him fascinating idiosyncratic really interesting guy seems to do a lot of thinking

i said yes he does

he does and it's that's a strength that's one of your wins you know you can already like make

I'm not even going to have a conversation about AI.

Okay, it's too much.

I've listened to one and it's awful.

Listen to one what What?

Podcast?

An AI generated podcast.

Chris Gull, my friend, did one for me about the French Revolution.

Oh, yeah.

It took about two minutes, and it sounded like two American academics were laughing at each other's jokes.

And if you told me that that was a robot, I wouldn't have believed you.

It was crazy.

Yeah.

So this is it.

Final show.

I've been doing it since Feb 2014.

You'll never know about the prawns.

We've had a good run, actually.

We have had a good run.

I knew John before, obviously, but I didn't, you know, I wouldn't have met you, Dave, if it wasn't for for the show i wouldn't have met zoff yeah or michael i'd like to thank the whole team everyone has worked but that's it that'll be you'll be ai from here on in so we'll we'll we'll conquer it ellis don't you worry anyway obviously it's adrian's final show uh as well um so to celebrate that um we had a little conversation with him

I mean the obvious question for you two is if you got a sumo bout on with Dave refereeing, who do you suppose would win?

Because you're not heavyweight either of you, but you know, in a lightweight category, what would that look like?

Well, Ellis's strength is in his thighs and bum.

Yeah, mine is in my reach.

And how do you know?

How do you know this?

How have you tested this?

Because I'm an absolutely bizarre shape naked.

Really?

Oh, talk us through that.

Sort of sort of Kim Kardashian, bum, Bradley Wiggins, arms and shoulders.

Head is too small, chest is too long, long legs are too short

an absolute car crush his thighs are like cans of tuna yeah

and his bum is like a a big um

two bowling balls two bowling balls but in some very tight pants so ellis has got big thighs he's got good lifting ability but i just don't think he'd be able to get close to me because i would just put my hands on his shoulders yeah he'd be flailing around because my arms are about a foot longer than his yeah i mean this could be this could be a good watch are you still on tour you should get this on, honestly.

We'll do this into the interval.

We've got two more dates, and I think it's only natural that we'll end with

about of some description.

Yeah, the London Play Day.

Yeah, it might just be a bare-knuckle fist fight.

Yeah, yeah, and

why not?

When the fashion was for very tight trousers, I often couldn't get jeans on over my calves because I've got quite big legs from cycling.

But

it doesn't really match up my top half.

So, honestly, Adrian, I look like remember, there was the phase that when joyriders were stealing cars in the 90s, the cut and shut.

So, when people were stealing cars, remember this, Dave?

I'm looking at you because you're from Stockport.

Um, so the front car, the front half of the car would be a Ford Fiesta and the back half would be in the Sun Market.

I look like a sort of cut and shut human.

See, I'd like to see this for myself, but I don't know how I can make that happen unless we went to something particularly.

Unless we went

in for a private appointment, too much, for you.

You can take as many photos as you like, yeah, but just no touching this time, Adrian.

No, okay, I just thought we could go swimming, both wearing budgie smugglers.

That's a good idea, but Ellis is swimming.

I'm a very weak swimmer, so I can paddle.

And we'll go for a we'll go for a we'll go for a paddle then.

Um, any other business?

Are you are you like the Beatles in 1969, just spent too long together, or or you know,

Simon and Garfonko just kind of come to blows on stage on the misinformation around the Beatles in 1969.

Okay.

Okay.

I was asking more about your relationship, you two.

I want you to

know better than fine.

Okay.

Have you seen Get Back to Adrian?

Yes, I have, yeah.

Yeah.

Because the myth is that they hated each other by that point.

Whereas actually, if you watch the raw footage,

once they've got the tunes together, they're getting on again

because they're inspired by the music, you You see, but there was an awful lot of books written by people who weren't in the studio at the time.

Interesting.

Making the argument, and to the extent that the Beatles actually believed the books because it was such a long time ago.

Adrian, we should go for dinner and I can tell you about the misinformation

of how the Beatles are presented in the late 60s.

Okay, and I could have my viewing maybe before and after dinner to see how your body can get.

That is the answer.

That is the answer.

Yes, exactly.

at the bbc we go further so you see clearer with a subscription to bbc.com you get unlimited articles and videos hundreds of ad-free podcasts and the bbc news channel streaming live 24 7.

from less than a dollar a week for your first year read watch and listen to trusted independent journalism and storytelling it all starts with a subscription to BBC.com.

Find out more at bbc.com slash unlimited.

Suffs, the new musical has made Tony award-winning history on Broadway.

We the man to be honest.

Winner, best score.

We the man to be seen.

Winner, best book.

We the man to be quality.

It's a theatrical masterpiece that's thrilling, inspiring, dazzlingly entertaining, and unquestionably the most emotionally stirring musical this season.

Suffs, playing the Orpheum Theater, October 22nd through November 9th.

Tickets at BroadwaySF.com.

There you go.

Adrian Chiles, who will be maybe the last thing artificial intelligence can replicate.

But they will do it.

He will be out of a job like the rest of us.

Dave, ask us anything.

Shall we do Ask Us Anything?

We can do.

It's a fun little feature.

I think we get some genuine insights into

into your minds and your lives uh ask us anything is where listeners ask you to anything they bluming well want and there is a uh another lengthy jingle hmm do we want we i suppose we have to

there's a new jingle there's a new jingle there's a new jingle michael sorry i just went straight past the big bold red text at the top and of course that's important

There is a new jingle for Ask Us Anything.

Hey chaps, on Friday's show, you've floated the idea of turning Dave's Ask Us Anything jingle into a house beat, ready for the clerbs,

which is spelt C-L-U-R-B-S, which I like.

Despite the jingle feeling slow, it's actually already at the perfect BPM for a house version.

Intastic.

I obviously knew that.

What sort of house music?

128 BPMs, if you must have a house.

Is it deep house or funky house?

We're about to find out, Alice.

That being said, I've produced a house remix for the K-pop generation.

This is from Sean.

So Sean has produced a K-pop versioned house remix of Ask Us Anything.

Ask us anything.

Send your questions in, answers you will surely get What?

What's your shoe side?

What's the name of your very first pad?

Oh, Dave, can we play that on stage, please?

No!

Absolutely love that.

Sounded like a bad thing.

I thought we could get a strobe going.

We could get the little glow sticks.

This sounded like Robin S.

Show Me Love.

Yes, it did.

I thought it sounded like Wigfield.

And it was a bit of Wigfield.

It made me feel like I was at Stockport Student Union in 2001.

I can't hear it again.

I'd like to hear it again.

Send your questions in, answers you will surely get.

What's your shoe, sack?

What's the name of your very first pet?

Got any pills, Dip?

I'm gonna get...

Come on, you two, get in the back of the bloody car.

I'm taking you home.

I love that.

Honestly, we're in the middle of nowhere here.

I don't know what you two have been up to, but you've got big old wide-eyed looks about you.

Yeah, you're just drinking water.

Don't young people drink beer anymore?

They're all grinning away in the back seat, but tell you this: they'll be asleep and asking their mum for a roast lunch before midday.

Sorry, what we do is ask us anything.

It's ask us anything.

Yeah.

And

what a jingle.

Sean, I've good radio belled you, which I'm not sure.

I'm not sure I've ever good radio belled a listener before.

That's right up there, Div.

It's right

there.

Right up there.

Okay, which one do we want?

Here's a good one.

This is from Scott.

Hi, my beautiful, bountiful bountiful fluff muffins.

So if you, you, the Ellis James, and you, the Johnny J or John Robbins, acquired a healthy fortune somehow and developed eccentricities, what would be the item or items you would start a collection of?

So I think what Scott is asking

if you had loads of money.

Yeah.

I actually asked John this last night when we were having a curry.

But in quite an eccentric way, I think.

So don't just say I'm going to invest it in stocks.

In this

thought scenario yeah have i got a different house

because

but that's not eccentric we've got too much stuff as it is so if i developed you know i don't know a sort of um

an animals in formaldehyde collection then we i wouldn't have anywhere to put it i see so am i where do i own a mansion in this yeah you could have bought yourself a mansion if that then leads to an eccentricity for the sake of this feature okay yeah so so i it can get into taxidermy without it really getting in the way Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah, because this is all, I mean, this is all hypothetical.

Suits of armor.

I love old stuff.

You do?

Actual battle-worn suits of armor.

Yeah.

So that's a suit of armor from the Battle of Bosworth.

That's a suit of armor from the Battle of Hastings, etc.

Something quite creepy about suits of armour.

Yes, but I'm a multi-millionaire, Dave.

Living in a castle.

And Izzy's left me.

and I am now married to my suits of armour.

Yeah.

Castle in the Battle of Nazby, etc.

Battles, battles, battles, suits, suits, suits.

Because it looks like there's people in them.

That mace.

Yeah, that mace killed a Frenchman in, you know, during the Hundred Years' War, etc.

L.

But do you go to museums that much to because you can see a lot of this stuff?

Have you seen the Sutton Who

exhibits?

No, I'd love to go to Sutton Who, actually.

But you could see the exhibition in the British Museum.

Maybe you can't live in the British Museum.

No, but it's strange for someone who's so obsessed with battles and suits of armour that he doesn't spend all his time looking at them.

I live in a normal house.

No, but I don't mean buying them.

I go to museums.

We went to the British Museum quite recently, actually.

Natural History Museum.

The kids have really lovely.

Yeah, I think it's different to, well, this is what money does.

I want them in the bedroom.

Yeah, you want them around.

I want them in the Tower of London.

Yes, Tower of London.

There's some amazing suits of armour, but not battle-worn.

Oh, not enlisted.

dents and dinks you could

went to stonehenge uh on new year's day in fact i love stonehenge yeah

where there are um standing stones very near where i got married in pembrokeshire did that the day after we got married izzy thought am i in too deep with this

you could get why are we in pentra yivan again you could get the suits of armor doing playful things which is fun isn't it like one of them could be knelt behind another one and it looks like it's about to fall over i'm a millionaire, you.

Yeah, the suits of armor will do my bidding.

All right.

I mean, that is absolutely perfect in terms of what this question is about, John.

I don't know, Dave.

I'm not sure about all this.

Very skeptical today, aren't you?

Well, I just

don't have.

I've lost my interest in stuff.

In a big, big, big wave.

A little bit, actually.

So I don't know that there's anything.

I walked past a

modified Sierra.

It wasn't a Cosworth.

I think it might have been an RS 500 this morning.

And I did have a long look at it.

I think I would just get

two Sierra Cosworths.

But now, I mean, in the past five years alone, they've gone up like threefold.

Yeah, but you're a millionaire.

Yeah, don't worry about the money.

Yeah.

You're talking like 200 grand.

Money's not an object.

But then, and I would maybe take them out.

I would like to buy woodland.

But is that eccentric?

It's quite eccentric.

I'd like to buy a woodland that joined up and then just plant more trees and create my own woodland

that no one's allowed in.

You could get your favourite musicians to jam in your big mansion.

I don't know what I think I'd like that.

All right, fine.

You could have a curry with your favourite musicians and bathe them.

I tell you what I would like like to do is, I would like to listen to some of my favourite albums with my favourite musicians.

At the albums they made, no, different ones.

Different ones.

So you'd get Cameron Winter to listen to Berlin Catalog.

No,

I would listen to Shiny Beast with Cameron Winter.

I would listen to Astral Weeks with Bonnie Prince.

And then say, what do you think about this?

And say, what do you think about this?

Okay,

I would listen to

maybe I would listen to You Don't Pull no punches but you don't push the river with Nico Case.

Okay, okay.

This is better.

I like this.

I've got a listening room.

What about getting Brian May over to give you a guitar lesson?

I would listen to

oh, I would listen to

the new guitar solo Dupree's Paradise Part 2 from the expanded edition of One Size Fits All with Brian May, Dave.

No, we're getting him.

Problem is,

I don't think May, because he's very wealthy, so I'm not necessarily going to, money's not necessarily going to do the talking with May.

Yes, but you two are mates.

I don't think so, Dave.

I don't think May is coming around to my house to listen to an 18-minute Frank Zappa guitar solo for free.

Did you not just say not for money?

I think you would just say, I don't want to.

Did you not just say you were dying?

No.

I was meant to invite you to something from Brian May.

Sorry, John.

Dave, this could be.

I cannot work with you two anymore.

You forget stuff.

You dither.

You do things in the wrong order.

This could be the end, Dave.

Let me just find the email.

What do you mean, find the email?

So, how long ago is it from?

Oh, like yesterday.

Okay.

It's not too bad.

Brian.

You guys carry on.

You can't carry on.

There can't be any carrying on, Dave.

No.

It's from Matt.

Am I seeing my career come to an end?

No!

We get Finn back.

Dave, you're disposable.

Andy Burn has not got back to me yet about DJing my club night.

He asks for another time.

What's where's it gone?

I saw this yesterday.

Stop saying where's it gone, Dave?

Dave, how can it be more difficult than searching in your inbox?

What else is happening?

Oh, I searched the wrong name.

Search your name, Jonathan.

Right, here we go.

Brian May and...

This might be secret, Dave.

This might be confidential.

I don't think so.

Hold on.

You've been invited to something that Brian May is doing in November.

I'll just show you the fly because it's.

There you go.

Do you want to go to that?

Hmm.

Hmm.

Hmm.

He's got his phone out.

He's looking at his own diary now.

There's something that Brian's doing about something.

You've got distracted in this conversation, Dave, by thanking someone for Royal Otis tickets.

That's what's distracted you.

Matt sorted me out with Royal Otis tickets.

Royal Otis.

My new favourite band who I'm obsessed by.

Wasn't Otis the Ardfuck.

Yeah, that's different.

There are different Otises, aren't they?

Oh, yeah.

Australian band, very good.

Don't just look at my messages, James.

I can't go, Dave.

Okay, fine.

That's fine.

So you've actually got me really down now.

I send Brian my best wishes.

Okay, I'll pass that on.

I wish Sir Brian May, PhD, my best wishes for the event.

And I hope he's successful in all he does.

As a millionaire, you could redo your degree, but without

any of the distractions you had when you were in the middle of the day.

I don't want to do it in 2021.

Well, because,

you know, you're a multi-millionaire board eccentric, John.

But I don't want to do that.

You're doing all right.

I'm just doing all right.

I'm just checking ideas out there.

The ideas are good.

You're multi-millionaire in this scenario.

You've both got good ideas.

He's listening to albums with musicians that he likes, and you are getting suits of armor.

Yeah, it's just for the first minute, he was just thinking about investments he'd make, which, you know, I just think is in the spirit of the feature.

Well, great, that's Ask Us Anything.

Strong question.

Thank you, Scott.

And also, I'd get

the match ball from every World Cup final, 1930 to present,

but made to the actual specifics, so not a modern repro that you can buy on eBay.

And not the original.

Well, the original, they've all deteriorated, haven't they?

Because they're so old.

Have they?

Well, you know, and the 1930 World Cup final ball is almost a hundred years old, so the leather will have deteriorated.

But you don't know that.

Where is it?

Get on it, Dave.

Look into it, Dave.

Probably.

But you could buy FIFA.

Yeah, I'll buy it.

And once I've bought FIFA, I'll get them to open the glass case.

And then me and Gareth Pay will take free kicks with the balls through the ages.

Oh, and compare the differences.

Because there is a World Cup football collector guy on Instagram, and I don't know where he's getting them, but he's got the ball from the England-Argentina quarter-final, Mexico 86 and Maradona, hand of God, and scored the incredible goal.

And he's got that ball somehow.

How would you ever know that it was?

Oh, because they're often signed.

Like, the provenance is pretty.

Yeah, but there's a lot of balls knocking around, a lot of signatures knocking around he may have used more than one during the game but he's got one that was definitely used during the game

and i always text i always message him say what's it like to kick and he always goes i'm not kicking that path

uh the the 1930 world cup final balls

yeah because they use different types well yeah i'll explain so that they're on display at the national football museum in manchester oh in manchester which used to be in preston but obviously manchester gets everything do you but we've been there together yes yes we we are.

Oh, is that where it is with?

Wearing horse hair shin pads from the 1880s.

Yeah, we went to the shirt section.

Yes, we did.

That was a fun little podcast record.

One is Uruguay's ball, used in the second half, and the other is Argentina's ball, used in the first half.

Yeah, because balls are made to different specs.

Yeah.

So bet it's dead, dead, ever.

And it looks good.

It's in good nick.

Let's have a look at it.

Well, it needs pumping up.

Well, yeah, but what I mean is it's not deteriorated.

Oh, no, that looks very good.

Yeah.

Do you think you could kick that?

No, don't kick it, Alice.

But that's what I'm doing with my money, David.

Oh, right, I see.

God's sake, I'm a billionaire.

Right.

So, if you want to ask us anything or ask Giles anything for our final recording of Ellis and John on the road, you can email ellisandjohatbbc.co.uk.

Thank you very much for all your correspondence and your time.

Bye-bye.

Goodbye.

At the BBC, we go further so you see clearer.

With a subscription to BBC.com, you get unlimited articles and videos, hundreds of ad-free podcasts, and the BBC News Channel streaming live 24/7.

From less than a dollar a week for your first year, read, watch, and listen to trusted, independent journalism and storytelling.

It all starts with a subscription to bbc.com.

Find out more at bbc.com/slash unlimited.

Suffs, the new musical has made Tony award-winning history on Broadway.

We demand to be home.

Winner, best score.

We the man to be seen.

Winner, best book.

We the man to be quality.

It's a theatrical masterpiece that's thrilling, inspiring, dazzlingly entertaining, and unquestionably the most emotionally stirring musical this season.

Suffs, playing the Orpheum Theater October 22nd through November 9th.

Tickets at BroadwaySF.com.