SUPERFLY #49 - Give Us Your Location

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Speaker 2 What are you talking about?

Speaker 2 Dana. We're talking about doing Garth at 70.

Speaker 1 Oh, to do Garth again?

Speaker 2 At 70, bitch.

Speaker 2 Why not? Beach.

Speaker 2 That's that's our first line of the podcast.

Speaker 2 That's 70.

Speaker 2 No,

Speaker 2 I'm very young. Don't worry,

Speaker 2 fans.

Speaker 2 I want to thank our fans first of all for

Speaker 2 Dr. Stephen Greer.
Holy tomatoes.

Speaker 1 Stephen Greer.

Speaker 1 How many YouTubes at this point? 2.6 million?

Speaker 2 I'm going to say more.

Speaker 1 That's a lot where I came from. Where I come from?

Speaker 2 From you come from Scottsdale.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Jeez, Jesus Christ. They had more clicks than an eight-year-old discovering Google.
Okay.

Speaker 2 Not too bad in a pinch.

Speaker 1 More clicks than Michael Flatley's heels during Lord of the Dance.

Speaker 2 More clicks than one of those Irish dance lines where they have to be iced down after

Speaker 1 my fucking ankles in ice.

Speaker 2 More clicks than Adam Sandler doing a sequel to clicks.

Speaker 1 More clicks than when you search click during the movie click

Speaker 2 in the script.

Speaker 1 Clicks ahoy, yeah. So that worked out.
20,000 comments about the Stephen Green, the UFOs.

Speaker 2 I know you do. And so, what was the

Speaker 2 how did they think my hair looked in that episode?

Speaker 1 20, 19,000 were about the hair. Yeah, and then some were about Stephen Greer.
Now, people are a little nervous, a little afraid, a little trepidacious.

Speaker 1 I think all this stuff, there's something to it because as we'll show when we get into stories, there's a map.

Speaker 1 uh we have to show where the ufos and drone drones is another word for air weather balloons from the 50s when they they say, so UFO, it turns out to be a weather balloon. You're like, I don't know.

Speaker 1 So there's some drones.

Speaker 2 I was at the airport and I ended up next to a guy and he went on and on and on about these UFOs. And I said, would you stop droning on? Yeah.
Not bad in the pitch. That's two for me.

Speaker 2 I'm up to zero with my clicks.

Speaker 1 On the top of your head, it's got to be empty at this point.

Speaker 2 I got no notes. You got a whole list of jokes right in front of you.

Speaker 1 No, I don't.

Speaker 2 I know you don't. I made that up.

Speaker 1 No, I do. I uh, I have to say that the, it was very intriguing what he said.

Speaker 1 It was, you know, he goes, we, there's little 10-minute chunks of answers with him, but he's got a lot of information in his head. So I think people sift through like we do.
I understand that.

Speaker 1 That makes sense to me. Northrop, Grubman, these places, a lot of these places have tons of money.
No one's looking over here. They're building.
So are these drones partially ours?

Speaker 1 Are they the bad guys?

Speaker 2 We've seen this one a lot. And I think it was in Interstellar.

Speaker 2 You know, point A to point B, but if you folded paper. What do you get? I was a little bit like.

Speaker 1 By the way, it doesn't make exact sense to me. Like, I get the idea of it, but see, it's all time.
Like, I don't know.

Speaker 2 So you fold the universe like a napkin? What are you talking about?

Speaker 1 I mean, is the universe fold? I never tried it.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I mean, it's like a folding chair.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 You know, no, you just grab it, fold it.

Speaker 2 That table won't see 12. Unfold it, it will.

Speaker 2 But I say we're here. No one knows how or why.
There's stars out there. They seem like they're beckoning us.
So I don't know. I go at it with a quizzical, but not cynical open mind, David.

Speaker 1 I do agree that there's something

Speaker 1 beckoning us. I think my strong opinion is something weird is going on.
It's my strong, strong side, I take.

Speaker 2 Look, here. Here's the way I think of this.
Okay.

Speaker 2 Science agrees, if science is a thing, that Earth at one point was just an inert rock, it was just a rock, there were no microbes, there's no water that came from comets.

Speaker 2 Thousands of comets came and spilled the water, but basically, you have a rock.

Speaker 2 So, if you want to understand the theory of evolution, you put a rock on your kitchen table, you come back four billion years later, Richard Nixon is sitting there. That's evolution.
That's it.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. That's no one's said it so concisely.

Speaker 2 A rock turned into Beyoncé, turned into Richard Nixon, turned into Elon Musk. A solid rock.

Speaker 1 They said, because we're so microscopic that they said that, you know, they found they found water in the galaxy a trillion times more, a chunk of water, a trillion times more than we have in our oceans.

Speaker 1 I'm like, okay, guys, either we're throwing the word trillion around too much, but no one can check that. No one knows.
Two scientists, maybe.

Speaker 2 I think trillion is probably an understatement.

Speaker 2 Any entity, any celestial object that has hydrogen and oxygen

Speaker 2 could make water. That's why we want to get a hotel on the moon and a space thing.
So we can go up there, get the water from the hydrogen and oxygen, and get our ass to Mars.

Speaker 1 But when you go there, the first time you got to bring that shitty boxes of Kirkland water from Costco just to make sure you have some water up there before you find the wells and everything.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you have to bring a lot of canteens.

Speaker 2 This is a bid I used to do, which has become, I want people, our audience, to know that they can use it when trying to get advice from friends so i would i did a bit about a spaceship in space uh houston uh this is uh this is apollo whatever uh there is a giant spider a giant spider in front of our spacecraft do advise please uh uh

Speaker 2 whatever this is houston uh our advice is to get away from the monster I repeat, get away from the monster.

Speaker 2 So that's become a running thing when with my brother and I, when there's relationship issues or whatever is going on in any way in your life, just remember this:

Speaker 2 get away from the monster.

Speaker 2 Life is that simple. I think we finished our podcast.
Right.

Speaker 1 I don't need mission control to tell me. I know that.

Speaker 2 Oh, mission control and Apollo, whatever.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I like that bit. It's a little undercooked.
It's like the place where they make the calls, then the space thing.

Speaker 2 Just trying to get to the advice is get away. Should I stay with this guy or this girl? And then you hear about him.

Speaker 2 My advice is to get away from the monster.

Speaker 1 I've run from some monsters. I will tell you, there's a lot of crazy weather.
I don't know if this killer fog is real, the poison fog.

Speaker 1 I do know that weather porn on TV is something they do like to scare you, and it works. Where they it used to just be really cold back east.
Now it's a polar vortex, you know.

Speaker 1 Let's not throw around the word vortex so easily.

Speaker 2 We used to have lots of rain. Now we have atmospheric rivers, mofo.
What the fuck?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I don't need any monsoonal moisture.

Speaker 2 I don't need a river 8,000 feet above my head.

Speaker 1 Oh, atmospheric river. There's a Stormageddon.

Speaker 2 Stormageddon. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You can add Mageddon and you can have burrito Mageddon and it's like a little scarier than just eating a burrito.

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 2 Oh, that's right. Armageddon.
Who started that besides Bruce Willis?

Speaker 2 Who said the asteroids the size of Texas? Billy Bob? Yep. Billy Bob.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 One of them are owing.

Speaker 2 Either step on my dick or suck my dick, but you got to warn the other. I'm really enjoying Land Dan

Speaker 2 with Billy Bob Thornton and John Hamm. They're both great.

Speaker 1 Who is he on it?

Speaker 2 And others. Allie Carter.
John Hamm.

Speaker 2 Yeah. But Billy Bob

Speaker 2 in the zone, reacting to all these craziness, you know, and he's so much fun to watch as an actor.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I've heard Landman is the one to watch.
My buddy always gives me the updates.

Speaker 2 I'm not saying it's Shakespeare, but it's really entertaining.

Speaker 1 Okay, so here's another thing. I'm driving up my house today, my little crooked street to my dumpy mansion, and there's a woman that since I've moved here three years ago,

Speaker 1 you know, the HOA is always so tough. I guess this isn't an HOA, so she's just gone rogue, but she puts cones across her whole front yard and her driveway, across the whole thing, one house.
Okay.

Speaker 1 And there's some are green. You know what I said, Heather? Green.
They're not even matching. And then police tape.

Speaker 2 Sure, it's not Christmas ornaments.

Speaker 2 That's not. Okay, go ahead.

Speaker 1 You're like the cops interviewing me. No, I know what ornaments are, Dana.
I don't. It's not.

Speaker 2 Cops are interviewing you about the cones.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And I'm like, no, they go, you sure it wasn't like candles? I'm like, no, they're orange cones.
And then police tape. Like, it's a crime scene.

Speaker 1 And I want to say to her, hey, get all this shit off here.

Speaker 1 Like, our house, the whole street looks like a dump, you you know because right right all it takes is one and she said oh what happened was because she's so older and a little crazier she goes oh some people were parking in my driveway in your driveway she goes they were blocking it and i go and when was this she's like 1987 i go well i think that the tide has gone out and we're okay for a while so why don't we just not make our whole neighborhood look like dog shit

Speaker 2 and then you walked in and then you you you got out of your bathroom, stopped looking in the mirror, and practicing what you were going to say. Yeah.
Just get a meek wave, right?

Speaker 1 Let's I practice even when I pull up and I don't want to do it when I'm going up the hill because it kills my neck. So I want to do it when I'm going down.
And then I'll

Speaker 1 do the window like this. I just stare at her through the window and then I get my fingers ready and I go,

Speaker 1 and it goes down. Then I go, hey, fucko.

Speaker 1 She's like 90. She's like, me? And I'm like, yeah, who else is here? And then I continue that speech that I've practiced.

Speaker 2 All right. Here's what we do.

Speaker 2 do we park in front of her house we we get heather comes out like it's aw root beer in the 1960s puts a tray on our window and we order hamburgers and milkshakes and we eat them as we're staring at our porch either that if you can't move because i know you've got multiple abodes then you got to get away from the monster that is my advice oh that's true yeah You know, you, I don't want to for sure move in with you, but it's on the table.

Speaker 1 Okay. other than that

Speaker 2 okay

Speaker 2 that's my that's the most scary scariest thing i've heard

Speaker 2 can i move into one of your pantries

Speaker 2 we put you in there with your protein bars and your your gator raid

Speaker 1 uh so i had a good christmas and i then it was new year's i did i went to the comedy store that was fun did a couple sets saw tim dylan we had one show where it was me tim dylan nikki uh glazer and bobby lee Annie Letterman.

Speaker 1 It was really fun. So that was fun because New Year's Eve, I didn't have any plan.
So we've been working on it.

Speaker 2 Well, who can follow Glazer at this point? It's the year of Nikki.

Speaker 1 Well, it's hard to follow her because she's also working on her Golden Globe set. So she's like, boom, she's working on her monologue.
So she goes up and says, everyone, this will be fun.

Speaker 1 You can be a part of the audience picture of the Golden Gloves.

Speaker 1 And then it's a little different because it's not your regular set. You have to pretend.

Speaker 2 You pretend that you're like, where am I?

Speaker 1 Yeah, you're like this.

Speaker 2 Hey, welcome to the Golden Gloves.

Speaker 1 Hey, look at Bradley Cooper, you asshole. And then everyone's like, Where is he here? No, no, we're pretending we're okay.

Speaker 2 You know what?

Speaker 2 I'm just going to insert this because they, yeah, YouTube, for some reason, feeds me Ricky Gervais at the Golden Globes. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And no one could really follow Ricky Gervais, but now Nikki, they Nikki is going to save the show, and I will negotiate her second hosting deal for her.

Speaker 2 I will tell you they're going to start calling her Nikki Gervais because she can stay likable and shit on people because she has this intrinsic likability. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, they're expecting. I mean, I think it's the closest to her doing the roast, you know, a captive audience.
They know it's coming. I think the Emmys for her wouldn't have been as good of an idea.

Speaker 1 I think they talked about her hosting that. The Emmys are a little more fluffy and boring.
And this, this, at least, everyone's close. You got a lot more movie stars.
And you can directly.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you're right there.

Speaker 2 Let's play a little game for a second. Okay.

Speaker 2 Just you're, you're the host. You see Bradley Cooper.
You want to do a friendly jab.

Speaker 1 Hi. Hey,

Speaker 2 I'll do one if you don't want it. I'll go first.
Go ahead. Bradley Cooper.
Oh, yeah. The Maestro.
We remember that.

Speaker 2 Didn't do that well. I guess it wasn't

Speaker 2 conducted properly. Sorry.

Speaker 2 Okay. That's all I got.
Sorry. That was an ad-lib, folks.
Hey, Bradley.

Speaker 1 I was going to see the maestro, but I was sick that day.

Speaker 2 I was sick that year. it kind of came and went okay let's see who else will be there hey um jennifer lopez how are you

Speaker 2 i hear you're dating matt damon

Speaker 1 that's not to get back at ben is it

Speaker 2 look at our fictitious crowd work is vomiting i know but that's why we do it here on the podcast when it's only us and our 275 000

Speaker 1 the best crowd work is when you do the front row and no like we've talked about and no one can see in the back so you go look at this muscle man up front he's like this over pick up the table and then everyone laughs and then you look at him he's a meek little nerd i know you just invent characters up front and then they cruise engineer your jokes look at this dwarf what's he doing up yeah look at four eyes it's dipshit uh other than that she i did see the set she's doing for the golden globe is very good should be great It's going to be great.

Speaker 1 I'm excited to see it.

Speaker 2 Will Tom Brady be at the Golden Globe?

Speaker 1 Now, what if they just put him there so he can get shit on? She should plant him in there. It'd be funny.

Speaker 2 It would be funny for him to have it.

Speaker 1 She should tell the Golden Globes, act like you're the Tom Brady audience. I'm going to do Tom Brady jokes.

Speaker 1 All right. Let's get to our hot stories.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 We have no guests. You have a story? I'm sorry.
We didn't.

Speaker 2 No, I have an observation. Yeah.
That in Hollywood, and I know there's people working this week.

Speaker 2 But in Hollywood, you know, you do the Christmas, you do the New Year's. And now there's these days that we're podcasting, and these are lost days.

Speaker 2 These days, you can't really start a project or end a project. You never know what day is it? Is it

Speaker 2 Friday? Is it Sunday? What? Yeah, that's true. I'm completely disorientated.
It just makes me really sad.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I know that the agents

Speaker 1 who don't like to work anyway,

Speaker 1 they are usually, first of all, if Christmas is on the 25th, usually, they take off around the 9th.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 not Kenny, it used to be like the 15th of December shutdown. Now it's creeping up the day after Thanksgiving.
It's slim pick.

Speaker 1 I mean, literally, people go, we were pitching something, and they go, and it was like the 1st of November. And they go, well, we'll try to get some dates in January.
I go to pitch it.

Speaker 1 And they go, well, it's November 1st. It's just Halloween.
They go, well, I got Thanksgiving and then no one really does anything until the new year.

Speaker 1 So everyone's supposed to come back on the 6th. So I checked with someone.
They go, yeah, we're going to sort of trickle back 6th, 7th, eighth.

Speaker 2 They're in villa, trickle back. What? What it's New Year's Eve, I can't remember it.
And, guys, they're in Hawaii or the Caribbean in a villa.

Speaker 2 It's not a high-rise hotel room, it's a villa with servants and a private boat and a private yacht. I mean, they work hard, you know, so they take a couple months around the middle of the day.

Speaker 1 They take all year. It's really, and you go, Oh, don't you have to bring your dumbo kids back to school or anything? I mean, anything you have to do?

Speaker 2 They have someone else doing that. I'm sorry to break it to you, David.
It's called a nanny, all right?

Speaker 1 They have the jet and a little baby private jet takes the kids.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Junior wants a banana split. Crack to it.

Speaker 2 Make it, servant. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Junior. All right.

Speaker 2 What's your stories?

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Speaker 1 I got the socks right here, actually.

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Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 1 Okay. This is.
Oh, this is.

Speaker 1 This is California's.

Speaker 1 Oh, I think I'm annoyed that California, we live in California, folks. They keep asking for money for homeless.
Fine.

Speaker 1 I used to vote for that. And when I go vote, but now the last 24 billion that's gone unaccounted for, they can't figure out.
what they spent it on.

Speaker 2 Fine.

Speaker 1 I mean, that's 20, that's 18 zeros, babe.

Speaker 2 Can we

Speaker 2 put tabs on.

Speaker 2 Wait a minute. Taxpayers pay money.
Ireland has 24 billion. What are you going to do with it? We're going to get it to all these different homeless initiatives

Speaker 2 agencies, and we're going to take care of the homelesses. Four years later, hey, there's twice as many homeless.
Where'd the money go?

Speaker 2 We're not really sure right now, but we'll get back to you.

Speaker 1 The grossest part is then they go, by the way, we're raising money for homeless. They're taxing you again.
I'm like, I'm all for paying taxes. I love it.

Speaker 1 But if I can't see anything from it, like just show me a road in front of my house. It's a little smoother.
Take down the cones and the police station. Then I'll go something in my life is better.

Speaker 1 But you want more for a homeless?

Speaker 1 And then people are coming in that are homeless. Now it's like

Speaker 2 getting worse. Increased.

Speaker 2 So if

Speaker 2 it's not that it's not, it's not the same. It's 24 billion and it's going up.
I'm going to call it weird.

Speaker 1 It feels like a business that something's going on where obviously we don't know about because people forget it used to be millions of dollars that everything.

Speaker 1 It was just in the last five, seven years that you started giving away a billion. And now it's like chump change.

Speaker 2 $100 billion, $200 billion. And guess what? This is the way the government works.
If they fund a program, $24 billion, and if you said, we've solved homeless, but we only spent $15 billion.

Speaker 2 That's considered a failure. You got to spend the budget so you get the same amount the following year.

Speaker 1 Right, because COVID money was left over and they wouldn't spend it on home.

Speaker 1 Anyway, I'm not going to fix this.

Speaker 2 Biden's passing out COVID checks today because we had

Speaker 2 left over $250 billion. A lot of people didn't claim a check essentially anyway.

Speaker 2 Come on.

Speaker 1 I remember there was an earthquake. He's like, no, the hurricane.
Remember to get your COVID shot. That's what the first thing we have to do on the way to fix the hurricane.

Speaker 2 I'm going to do everything I was ever.

Speaker 1 What are you just saying? He's getting worse. I saw him today talking about there's tragedy, of course.

Speaker 1 The new year brings immediate tragedy, and he's like, This, hey, man, it's just a bit of a fuck-up, but uh, you know, it's all gonna smooth out

Speaker 2 in the big picture,

Speaker 2 he's definitely camping, he doesn't even know what's going on. Remember, I did him really strong, and people got all flipped out.
Hey, there's no crystal border.

Speaker 2 Hey, what are you making fun of that guy? Behind the scenes, he's running laps around us. Hey, Jack, yeah, get your facts straight.

Speaker 1 I love when he, I love when he's tough. Okay, what's the next one? What's the next one?

Speaker 1 Kroger just rolled out surge pricing using facial recognition. Oh, okay.
Play what this guy says.

Speaker 5 He just rolled out surge pricing using facial recognition technology. This means that Kroger has the ability to change the prices of their products depending on the image of the person buying them.

Speaker 5 Not to mention that most corporations already own a lot of our data. This means that depending on the image of the person buying the product, they could access our information and dictate that price.

Speaker 5 You can also use our image to determine how often we buy certain products and increase the price of that product. It could lead to discriminatory practices using AI as a scapegoat.

Speaker 2 It gets

Speaker 2 people of different races.

Speaker 2 They used to do it if you wore a Rolex or pulled up in a Bentley.

Speaker 2 But that guy, all I'll say about that guy, a perfectly nice guy, but he could really, really play an AI robot in a movie without any money.

Speaker 1 He was very, is that AI?

Speaker 2 He looked very digital

Speaker 2 to me. What Kroger is doing is studying you and raising their prices.
Now, where do they study? Like, you lean over for a head of lettuce and there's a camera in the lettuce or something.

Speaker 2 What do you, you know, or they do it when you check out

Speaker 1 what they do, Dave?

Speaker 1 They see me and they go, he, it goes, psps. He orders lots of kumquats, raise the price on them because I need them.

Speaker 2 Like, whatever I need, they, they inch up the price I guess well if they go to your your lovely home and you say we're gonna trim your hedge and then they look around they see a few things look at a couple things they go that'll be one million dollars oh yeah

Speaker 2 and then you go over here and tell them off you come out you say okay guys I told you I got a car wreck

Speaker 1 I was on Sunset. I tell you this already.
And then I just tapped a guy in front of me.

Speaker 2 It was more like for fun.

Speaker 1 It was just funny.

Speaker 1 And then

Speaker 1 he got out and he goes, are you David Spade? I go, yeah.

Speaker 2 And he goes, oh.

Speaker 2 So

Speaker 1 he literally was like, I was like, well, listen, because he was pretty cool about it. He goes, I'm all right.
And we look and he goes, my car is all right. I go, yeah.

Speaker 1 And then I'm like, well,

Speaker 1 should we get take pictures or something? He goes, yeah. So I'm like, selfie.
I just wanted to like get a selfie and get out of there. But he goes, no, maybe of the car.

Speaker 1 So we did that. And then.

Speaker 2 Could you see any damage yourself?

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 No, to mine was a little on the license plate, but to his, nothing. And then,

Speaker 1 and then I'm like, listen, let's get out of here. I mean, I guess we'll never know whose fault it is.
Who's to say?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 He's like, well, you were behind me, so I guess it's yours. I'm like, sure.

Speaker 1 And then anyway, so.

Speaker 1 Don't hear from the guy for two weeks of Christmas. And then he's insurance contacted us and a lawyer.

Speaker 2 Really?

Speaker 2 Oh, because he's feeling a little sore.

Speaker 1 No, because he goes, His first question is, are you David Spade? So he tells someone that, and they're like, Oh, well, obviously, you're going to sue him, even though you're fine.

Speaker 1 He's like, Oh, I mean, I guess

Speaker 2 I don't love it. So, is there a lawsuit or what?

Speaker 1 I mean, there's a lawyer involved now. I don't know what's going on exactly, precisely, but I don't like that.

Speaker 1 I feel like it's Kroger price gouging with me with the same.

Speaker 2 You know, it's just they're just doing it more sophisticated. People would gouge all the time.
And, you know, I knew someone who literally kept a neck brace in their closet.

Speaker 2 And if they ever got a fender banner or thought anything or even kind of

Speaker 2 walked on an escalator improperly or something, they'd just lawyer up and they've made a lot, a lot of money because people just wanted to go away.

Speaker 2 They wouldn't say, give me a million, but they go, 50 grand, I'm gone.

Speaker 1 You know, pay them. That person was John Lovett.

Speaker 2 Oh, no.

Speaker 2 We got to cut that.

Speaker 1 No, he's coming back on. He's our favorite guest.

Speaker 1 Funniest and

Speaker 2 favorite.

Speaker 1 Okay, next story. What's on the hot off the presses from three weeks ago?

Speaker 1 Oh, this is funny. This is one of the football games.
Okay, you know, they all run out at the start. This is like from a movie.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, here we go.

Speaker 1 What is this? The poison fog in Florida?

Speaker 2 Jesus.

Speaker 2 Look at they all wipe out and pile on each other. They all wipe out because there's too much mistake,

Speaker 2 the gods coming from the Viking mist.

Speaker 1 The freaking smoke

Speaker 1 guy was like this, ish, ish, ish. I'll get a raise.
He should have done a, they weren't all at rehearsal, I'll tell you that.

Speaker 2 The college sports, you could never exaggerate.

Speaker 2 I played Nalands. Well, actually, we played near New Islands.

Speaker 2 And the guy gave us a tour of the campus. It was all stadiums.
Baseball, stadium, football, 100,000.

Speaker 2 That's 150,000 people fitting that stadium. That's bigger than any NAFL state.
And we've sold out for 48 years in a row. I mean, it's kind of like it's a game, people.

Speaker 1 That's high school, too, out there in Texas.

Speaker 2 Friday Night Lights. Great show.

Speaker 1 You know, this reminds me of one time when I was in SNL. I went to a strip club with Timmy Meadows.

Speaker 2 Sounds like a whole bunch of people. Timmy Meadows.

Speaker 2 Tim Meadows.

Speaker 1 I like how I dragged Tim into the story, but we went. I made him go with me.
I go, let's go. And there was a

Speaker 1 girl named Terry. I can't say her name.
Anyway, she was, we saw her, we knew she was in Playboy, but she had jumped, made the leap into porn. It's not a huge, it is a big leap.

Speaker 1 It's just from, you know, naked to porn, which is, you know, especially back then.

Speaker 2 That's that's all done now. Only fools do that.

Speaker 1 It's all all sex workers are great yeah they'd have dance is everything now she had to go out there like you know listen porn now is just on your phone and the girls like i'll stay in my house i wouldn't know so so dennis miller and i were trying to write a sketch about uh

Speaker 1 like a porn star husband because she had a little show she did because you know she did like two shows a night So she comes out and the guy's like, he's got like a little board. He's like this

Speaker 1 little smoke machine, little puff of smoke comes out. She comes out,

Speaker 1 and then he's like, This

Speaker 1 he's got like light board like this. It's this big.
He's like,

Speaker 1 lights down and up, and then

Speaker 2 it's like the cheap, it's the cheapest.

Speaker 1 He's got a long ponytail, he's like, babe. And then afterwards, you get a Polaroid with her for 20 bucks.
And he was like, I'll handle the money.

Speaker 2 I don't like the music choice.

Speaker 7 To me, the classic is like da da da,

Speaker 2 da da, da, da,

Speaker 2 da da da da da da da da da da da da da da.

Speaker 2 I mean, that's classic. So the idea is going,

Speaker 2 yeah.

Speaker 1 No, he's trying to add music. He's trying to like be the manager and the husband and the stage direction and the lighting.
It was just all like so lo-fi.

Speaker 2 And that was I give him credit for trying, but OnlyFans is the shaoi it. I read about him in business, business sites about global business.
It's up to 7 billion a year generated on

Speaker 2 OnlyFans. And anyone can go on there.
By the way, they want comedians on there.

Speaker 1 They want to. I don't want to branch it out.

Speaker 1 Whitney Cummings is on there.

Speaker 2 Yeah, there was a woman making a, she made about a million a year, and she's never naked or having sex or anything. She might be in her panties or not.
I don't know, but it's not, it's soft.

Speaker 2 And then she talks of lonely fellas, too.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 You know, so it's she's pretty cool.

Speaker 1 I like her. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Will I do it? I'll say maybe you'll see.

Speaker 2 I'll do

Speaker 2 Whitney's on a different.

Speaker 3 There's OnlyFans at OnlyFans TV.

Speaker 1 Well, she's on, yeah. Whitney's OnlyFans is like for comedy.

Speaker 2 Give Whitney time.

Speaker 2 She would laugh at that.

Speaker 1 Whitney did a good job at CNN Roast. Did you see that?

Speaker 1 I heard about it.

Speaker 2 Funny jokes.

Speaker 2 Also,

Speaker 1 if I do OnlyFans, I'll just do carnival food and I'll go click on this and you'll see my corn dog.

Speaker 1 And then they click for $28 and then they go, it's a real corn dog. I go, that's what I said.

Speaker 2 Then you turn around and they see your Cinnabons. All right.
How far is this metaphor going about the sexual proclivity of a man who's substituting Danish and circus snacks for their appendages?

Speaker 2 Proclivity. Hey, I know.

Speaker 2 I get smarter when I do Dennis if he's listening. Get a big turkey leg.
My IQ gets bigger. By the way, I just want real quick: New Year's resolution for David Spade, just so we can do a

Speaker 2 viral thing. I know you got something locked and loaded.
New Year's resolution, David Phineas Spade.

Speaker 1 What is mine?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 You don't have to have one.

Speaker 1 I don't think I have any great ones.

Speaker 1 You know,

Speaker 2 your resolution is not to have resolution. People go like that.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I don't have any major ones.

Speaker 1 I'm just trying to,

Speaker 1 I'm trying to use less than 22 hours a day on my phone.

Speaker 1 That's what my last report was. And I'm like, we got to pump them numbers up.

Speaker 2 My phone fucking beats me up every day. First of all,

Speaker 2 I had an Apple Watch. I lost it 10 years ago.
You almost close your circle. I'm not even clicking on anything.
You could get there. You're behind, actually.
And then it says, congratulations.

Speaker 2 You beat last week's record. You're on your phone for 79 hours.

Speaker 2 That's reminding me.

Speaker 1 When it shows you how much phone usage, I walk away. I put the phone down.
I turn it over. I go, I don't want to know.
Have you done this where it says, hey, iPhone? Because

Speaker 1 they go, here's a story that's so interesting you'd like. And I go, all right.
And I click on it. It goes,

Speaker 1 join the Wall Street Journal right now.

Speaker 2 And you can read it. I go, no, no.

Speaker 1 Don't bait and switch me that horse shit.

Speaker 2 I I don't play it. I don't play that shit.
I do a lot of clickbait on some of these sites, like CNN. Like, you, okay, I'll click on a fucking thing.
And then it's like, are you a subscriber?

Speaker 1 Join.

Speaker 2 Would you like to join? For a dollar a month.

Speaker 1 Good headline, though, huh? What's it about?

Speaker 2 You want to know?

Speaker 1 Just put your email in. We'll give you a free one for a little bit.

Speaker 2 Okay, answer just live. Don't even think.
Are these a plus positive for society or negative? Yes or no?

Speaker 1 Plus?

Speaker 2 Plus for humanity or minus

Speaker 2 plus.

Speaker 2 Okay, I know where you're

Speaker 2 sputtered.

Speaker 1 What do you say?

Speaker 2 No, I don't know. I'm an analog man in a digital world, you know.

Speaker 1 Listen, I was doing fine with an abacus forever.

Speaker 2 Abacus, what's the next line joke for abacus?

Speaker 2 I had one in the is that too old? I'm not sure what the substitute is between

Speaker 2 the calculator.

Speaker 1 There you go. I guess so.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, I was

Speaker 1 writing notes. We were writing notes in class and, you know, that's gone.

Speaker 2 And do those little fold-up napkins? Instead of texts. What were those things? You'd write things on them and you do a little fold and they

Speaker 2 a little puzzle or something.

Speaker 2 That's one of the four phones.

Speaker 1 What about an SNL one? Like Sarah Sherman's like, then I texted Lauren and said, why'd my sketch get cut?

Speaker 2 I'm like, you text Lauren?

Speaker 2 That floors me as a cast member during the show?

Speaker 2 Remember during note check? He said to my turn, she goes, I'll try.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, Lauren giving notes when I did that, Hunter Biden, and then we're all sitting there, and Lauren's got a microphone now, and he's like,

Speaker 1 cold open. And he starts reading, and then he goes, Sarah, because she was like Matt Gates, maybe you got to face the, you're in the light, you're not in the light enough.

Speaker 1 Can you face more toward the middle?

Speaker 2 And she goes, I'll try. I'm like,

Speaker 1 I have, I'll, yes, sir.

Speaker 2 I remember one, was that the show where he said,

Speaker 2 Dana, you're, you, you, you look like you're reading the cards. And I said, I look like I'm reading the cards because I am reading the cards.

Speaker 1 Can Wally give it to me so I can just hold it?

Speaker 2 Well, it's a lot of fucking dialogue. I used to, I was doing Biden on SNL.
Just, yeah, here we go. And then I'd fall down or something.
All of a sudden, that thing was written last minute.

Speaker 2 They did an incredible job, but it was a lot of traffic. I was not used to it.
But, you know, I got used to a little bit because they were moving the cards inside baseball for the audience.

Speaker 2 There's a single single shot of the church lady. They'd move the cards under there and then they'd move them over there.

Speaker 2 You know, and there was a little bit, where do I look at my single or do I look at the wide shot? And we needed more rehearsal to get that down. Sure.
That ain't SNS. Of course.

Speaker 1 Because they go, Hunter Biden, right towards, they go, Hunter Biden. You deliver that one thing about Trump straight to camera.
And I go, all right. And then I did it.

Speaker 1 And after dress, they go, we're moving the camera.

Speaker 1 We'll tell you where it is. You'll figure it out.
And I'm like, I wouldn't count on me figuring it out. Why don't you just tell tell me?

Speaker 1 And then while Matt Gates is on, Wally's literally over there pointing and going like this. And I'm like, what does that mean? I'm on in 20 seconds.
And then the guy goes, he says, it's changed now.

Speaker 1 You're looking at a different camera. I go, and what camera would that be?

Speaker 2 We're trying to look relaxed inside baseball.

Speaker 2 I'm trying to be the church lady interviewing Hunter Biden. We're trying to be relaxed, having a conversation.
We're seeing like nine cameras and 25 people nervously staring at us.

Speaker 2 Cue card guys waving cards and moving them around.

Speaker 2 The audience behind them wondering if they're going to laugh. They're looking at the monitor, look at us, look at the monitor.
And the whole time, you relax, land your line under rehearse.

Speaker 2 It's a fun job.

Speaker 1 All right, next story.

Speaker 2 Next story.

Speaker 1 Next story.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. Have you heard of leg surgery? Have you heard of leg...
Turkey's where everything's happening. Everyone's getting hair transplants and leg surgery.

Speaker 2 So this is a guy. It was me and the leg lengthening surgery.

Speaker 1 Leg lengthening. Yeah, I'm sorry.

Speaker 2 No, that's that's big.

Speaker 1 They go to Turkey to do it, and it's very real. This is not a joke.
So, this says, Excuse me, me and the boys after we go to Turkey for leg lengthening surgery. This is an orthodontic surgeon.

Speaker 1 Okay, play the surgeon, too. I want to hear what he says for a second.

Speaker 5 Me and the boys, after going to Turkey, to get leg lengthening surgery. Yeah, so this is a thing people are doing.

Speaker 2 This is fucking real. Look at that.

Speaker 2 No, they look like a surgeon. They're wearing the size of their arms, guys.

Speaker 2 Me and the boys.

Speaker 1 I mean, but this is real in a way because they do do it. I think these are too big, but they can do about three or four inches.

Speaker 2 They cut your leg in half and they insert metal things and then put it back together. It's like just pretend you've been in an auto accident.
Hey, how was that auto accent? Oh, I'm fine now.

Speaker 2 I'm sorry.

Speaker 1 What I told people was,

Speaker 1 yeah.

Speaker 1 I just said, I'm writing a script. I need to be quiet for the next couple.
Don't bother me.

Speaker 1 And then they go, where's the script? I go,

Speaker 1 what script is that? By the way, I'm 6'3.

Speaker 2 in the script. That was

Speaker 1 Turkey.

Speaker 2 So it's ironically, it's in Turkey.

Speaker 1 Why is everything in Turkey?

Speaker 2 I don't know what is up with Turkey. They're messing around with Turkey.

Speaker 8 They're very tough. Their leader, Edergon, he's a tough cookie, he's a spot cookie, he's a sweet cookie.
You can get a lot of cookies out of them.

Speaker 2 The new Trump, I'm working on the new Trump because he's not at the rally screaming. He's more quiet now.
So there's going to be a new Trump that I'm going to do.

Speaker 1 And he won, so he doesn't have to try as hard now.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he can be more conversational because all his dreams came true.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, listen, it's very

Speaker 8 good. And we're doing things.
And

Speaker 2 that's the new one. I like that.

Speaker 8 We're going to take care of a lot of people. And

Speaker 8 a lot of people are talking about it. You can see it and

Speaker 2 look at it.

Speaker 1 He's so happy that Don Jr.'s got a new chick. She just buzzed by Mar-a-Largo the other day.

Speaker 2 Don Jr. I know, and they sent the old girlfriend, woman, they sent her to Greece.

Speaker 2 Was sending her to Greece.

Speaker 8 To Greece, she's going. She was dating Don Jr.
They were going to get married, but was sending her to Greece. And she's in Greece.
She's going to stay in Greece and be our ambassador to Greece.

Speaker 2 Greece. Senator Turkey.

Speaker 2 Get some longer legs. I'd rather go to Greece.
Get on an island, you know?

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, that doesn't sound like a bad deal. It's not exactly Alaska.

Speaker 1 Antarctica.

Speaker 1 All right, next one.

Speaker 1 We're doing great, Dana.

Speaker 2 We're doing great. I'm so proud of us.

Speaker 1 Okay, you read this one.

Speaker 2 Construction of luxury ski resort in the Ukraine starts in the middle of Russian invasion.

Speaker 2 I never know. What's going on with Ukraine?

Speaker 2 What is going on?

Speaker 1 That can't be real. Well, some of these things I see on Instagram, it's like Ukrainian nightclubs.
Everyone's like, every girl's beautiful, and they're like,

Speaker 1 I'm like,

Speaker 1 are

Speaker 1 what is going on?

Speaker 2 Well, maybe most of the war is this in the maybe it's on the outskirts or something, not in the east or toward Russia, maybe on the way west in the mountains.

Speaker 1 I don't want to say they're flush with cash, but they do have probably a little extra laying around because how can you spend that much money? I don't know.

Speaker 2 Uh,

Speaker 2 it's a problem to get it spent safely and accurately and legally.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 I say one word, fishy.

Speaker 1 I'll leave it at that.

Speaker 2 I, well, the weird part is, and I'm just reading this off my phone, but the people who are in charge of the California homeless 25

Speaker 2 happen to be the committee to free Ukraine. It was Ukrainian.

Speaker 1 The same accountants.

Speaker 2 Same accountants from Ukraine were working in California.

Speaker 1 Can we fire those accountants? I don't think they're nailing it.

Speaker 2 We're going to stop it.

Speaker 8 We're going to stop the war.

Speaker 8 Very fast. Jesus.
It's going to take one minute. I'm going to do it in less than a week.

Speaker 1 I like when he goes, one phone call,

Speaker 2 war over.

Speaker 1 What's the phone call? No, no, no, no.

Speaker 2 No, no.

Speaker 8 No, we're dealing with tough cookies. These are tough.

Speaker 1 More cookies?

Speaker 8 These cookies are tough, and you got to hand it to him. He's a tough cookie.
He's a smart cookie. But I'm telling you what, we got cookies too.

Speaker 1 He asked me, he said, Do you accept cookies?

Speaker 2 I knew that.

Speaker 2 Let me ask you and our fan the question.

Speaker 1 Please.

Speaker 2 A hundred times a day, they say, can we have your location or not?

Speaker 1 Is that true? That's what mine is.

Speaker 2 Yeah, can we have your location? Allow it or not allow it.

Speaker 1 Why do they want it so bad? First of all, they know where it is. Uber comes to get me.
Everyone knows. Then I go, hey, how far is it from, I said the other day, like Syracuse to Naples, Florida.

Speaker 1 And they go, you'll have to get me your location. I go, you don't need it.
How, just how many miles is it?

Speaker 1 Give us your location just go to settings it's so easy i go it doesn't matter what's the temperature there well give us your location we'll tell you what it is over there i go

Speaker 2 sirian i go at it guess what's the latest is because i have somewhere from movie theaters we'd like to we we'd like to have your precise location i'm sorry what like they which

Speaker 2 part of the house are you in yeah precise location is the latest one but when i say i'm not you're not allowed to have my location then the Wi-Fi sucks, and I can't, the stuff goes shitty.

Speaker 2 Then I go allow it, and I notice it's better.

Speaker 2 They get what they want.

Speaker 1 But you want to make your life easy? Just say yes to everything in your life.

Speaker 2 Allow if you want to have good Wi-Fi in your life.

Speaker 8 If you want to be a smart cookie, a good cookie, any kind of cookie.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'm telling you, Siri's been a real twat. I hate to use that kind of language.
All right, what's the next one?

Speaker 2 Seriously?

Speaker 1 Siri has been.

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Speaker 2 Tourist underwear versus seven officers. I think a fight's going to break out.

Speaker 1 I don't know what this is. Everything's happening in Belisarius.

Speaker 1 Or Belarus.

Speaker 1 I think these cops, when they don't have guns,

Speaker 1 who's scared of them? This guy in his underpants isn't.

Speaker 1 You can't even trip him.

Speaker 1 The kids are involved.

Speaker 1 Look at this little kid in his shorts.

Speaker 2 What's he going to do? Look at this little girl.

Speaker 1 Your wrestling is useless.

Speaker 2 Tase him.

Speaker 1 I mean, look at Spade. I can't take him down.

Speaker 2 He's so angry

Speaker 2 that he's got a superpower anger strength.

Speaker 1 Why is he mad? And what is he on? And give me it.

Speaker 2 He's terrorizing the cop.

Speaker 1 The underpants burglar is back.

Speaker 2 Listen, you gotta see that. Click on that, if you will, if you're wife, you're listening to this in your car.

Speaker 1 A man

Speaker 2 in his underpant. He's kind of a heavy set, bald man, is terrorizing dozens of people as police officers who don't know what to do.

Speaker 1 He's really doing nothing. He's not shooting up the place.

Speaker 2 He's just screaming and running around, screaming.

Speaker 1 And there's kids. I would be too.
I'd be like, hey, dude, beat it. Like, don't scream around kids, dipshit.

Speaker 2 To me, that's just another Saturday when I was a kid.

Speaker 1 Another Saturday in Belisarius.

Speaker 2 What's it called? Belisarius tonight, Gerald Ford.

Speaker 2 What's it called? Hello, Russian. Belarus.
Belarus, people.

Speaker 1 Look at your shit. Belarus, Belarus.
Can you do the Fandango?

Speaker 2 Belarus, Belarus.

Speaker 8 Could you do the Fandango?

Speaker 1 Thunderbolts and Lightning. What movie is that from?

Speaker 2 Wayne's World.

Speaker 1 Did you hurt your neck in that?

Speaker 2 A little sore.

Speaker 1 You know, we had penelope and chris and i did it in a scene and i think black sheep and she goes shake your head more i go i can't it's too painful because chris has like no bones in his head he's like he's like he's like a he was he was like gumby yeah he could just i'm like i can't just no one's looking at me

Speaker 2 you were really doing the same thing done

Speaker 1 we were doing it not to

Speaker 1 wasn't exact ripped off but it was like Just some hard metal or something.

Speaker 1 But it kills your neck. I would never do it today.
Never.

Speaker 2 You know, you just get in a way where you fake it. Like, there's this

Speaker 2 heavy metal band, German, Ramstein, and the lead singer. He's this hulking German guy.

Speaker 1 Dos Ice, Dus, Ross, this.

Speaker 2 And it feels like he's getting a little older now, but he wants to do that big old home with the donut with the head. Flip their hair around.

Speaker 2 He kind of gets in a low squat, and he's sort of more moving his shoulders than the head. You know, there's ways to fake it to make you.
We'll talk about it for your next.

Speaker 2 When's your special coming up? By the way, april i think april by the way bus boys i haven't even looked busboys the new movie that's going into production can i announce that

Speaker 1 yeah we're going the 10th of june it's coming up theo vaughan and david spain are the bus the bus boys by the way i bring it up because i i forgot that i'd probably have to carry bus tubs

Speaker 1 And I go,

Speaker 1 how many styrofoam ones do we have on the set with fake pretend paper glasses? And they're like, dude, are you joking? I'm like, The is a strong one. I go, No, you better have.
Didn't you write this?

Speaker 1 I'm like, I know, I didn't really think.

Speaker 2 Well, are you clearing a table with a tray and carrying it like that?

Speaker 1 I mean, you know how it is. Like, when I'm a bus boy, they have all these posters in the back, like, lift with your legs, look straight up.

Speaker 1 I'm like, yeah, when you're out in the field, like I am, boots in the ground, you know, Dana, you're like, there's the kettle of pitcher of water,

Speaker 2 rip your back, there's a pot of coffee, Rip your back.

Speaker 1 Lever arm, ripping neck, scalings.

Speaker 2 I had to take giant things of hot, because I cleaned pots, gigantic pots that weigh a freaking ton.

Speaker 2 And then I would spill the water out, but one time it went on my left wrist and it hurt for 20, 20 years. 20 years it hurt.

Speaker 2 I finally got rid of it by doing exercises on it.

Speaker 2 But yeah, I hurt

Speaker 2 her.

Speaker 2 No one wants to see anyone do that signal if they're over or over 12.

Speaker 1 Remember, I used to be embarrassed to go, Mom, it's so dry in Arizona. When you're at the store, can you pick up some jerkins?

Speaker 2 Remember Jerkins?

Speaker 1 Lotion, we called it Jerkins. Jerkins, and that was I think the commercial should have said that.
Also, there was rose milk. Gross.

Speaker 2 I was at the lake with some buddies doing like a guys weekend. And my brother session.
My brother loves beef jerky. So he did this joke probably five, six hundred times.

Speaker 2 He'd put the have the beef jerky. He'd hold it up to you and say, jerk?

Speaker 2 That was the Jeffrey.

Speaker 2 That would kill? Jerk? It would kill in the room. Well, we were all, we all had a couple pops, you know.

Speaker 2 Some happy jerks.

Speaker 1 Some fucking wobbly pops.

Speaker 2 Just all beer, you know,

Speaker 2 lager beer. No harm done.

Speaker 1 All right, we can keep going. Let's go another one.

Speaker 1 This is so entertaining. Okay, I'll read it.
There's a woman. This is, we always read them because people listen to it.

Speaker 2 Are driving?

Speaker 1 Okay, three. There's a woman sitting on a commode dressed.
Yeah. Three unusual benefits to getting rid of toilet paper and using a family cloth instead.
I have not heard about this.

Speaker 1 I did not know this.

Speaker 2 Go ahead. What is your

Speaker 1 okay? There's

Speaker 1 there's no more toilet paper. She's got like a rag.

Speaker 2 A rag instead, and she's going to wipe the bottom.

Speaker 1 There's is that it

Speaker 1 you save $465 a month.

Speaker 2 Well, do you rinse it out after each usage?

Speaker 1 Do you hand it to the next guy?

Speaker 1 So it's just a face

Speaker 1 rag, and then you wipe your behind, and then you

Speaker 2 I don't know, I don't love it.

Speaker 2 You know, you wash them and reuse them, but I've seen one where a little kid goes, you wash that one, but it's still dirty. She goes, it's okay.

Speaker 2 It's okay.

Speaker 2 Completely sticking up.

Speaker 1 Covered in skitters. Well, I don't know if I want to use it second, third, fourth, fifth, you know.
And

Speaker 2 well, I have a personal experience with this. It goes back a couple years.
I'm four years old. I get up before everybody, poopity, poopity time.
There's no toilet paper.

Speaker 2 So I do use a little hand towel. And being four years old, I put it back on the rack with full Monty.
So then later on, my dad comes out. Oh, Jesus Christ, what's this?

Speaker 2 So I had to get in the living room. He made me go get his belt.
I had to grab my ankles and all my siblings gather around. And he asked, How many? How many? And I got a nice little whooping.

Speaker 1 It's a show like Gladiator.

Speaker 2 Yeah. How many should he get? Yeah.

Speaker 1 A thousand, a million.

Speaker 2 He's like, keep it within reason.

Speaker 2 My other poo. Do you want to hear my other poo story? It's 30.

Speaker 1 Well, I do know I had to pick the belt once when my dad showed up once a year to did hey.

Speaker 2 Did he snap it?

Speaker 1 Go get the belt. I'm like,

Speaker 1 and then I got a drink. I go, you want a belt of whiskey? And he's like, nice try.

Speaker 2 No, later on, I'd go back. I'll go back there for 10 minutes.
I couldn't find it, dude.

Speaker 2 He forgot, what did I need it for?

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, that's great. Okay, what's your other poop story? Hurry.

Speaker 2 Story. My dad did not like to stop.
So when we're driving in the station wagon to Montana, once you get going, you just keep going. You know, I got to go.

Speaker 2 Oh, Jesus Christ, you can go and win a mukkah.

Speaker 2 And again, I'm three or four, poo my pants, get get to the uncle jack's house he goes hey something smells coming out of the car i go in the bathroom take down my drawers and i see the drawers

Speaker 2 situation the only way to get clear is to get the underwear and get rid of them you can't flush them can't put them in the thing so what i did was i crumpled up the soiled underwear and i climbed there was a window that i climbed out of went in the backyard dug a hole with my hands and buried the underwear.

Speaker 1 Your underpants?

Speaker 2 I buried my underpants. Now, your words, not mine.
You took off your soiled drawers, climbed out a window, and buried your underpanties. Is that your testimony?

Speaker 1 What grew? A poop tree?

Speaker 2 No, yours later. They sold the house, and some people were about to buy it, but then they went over there and they were kind of

Speaker 2 shade and archaic, like a fossil thing.

Speaker 1 Dude, this is the grossest fucking.

Speaker 2 I'm sorry. I've really turned.
No, I don't care. I like quiz pop quiz best movie of 2024

Speaker 2 for real look at this i'm getting myself i like your thumbs up oh look at that is heather doing that

Speaker 1 oh okay this is

Speaker 1 A woman explaining to a cop, a real woman,

Speaker 1 she wants money for something. I can't remember.
God

Speaker 6 gave her a 20 and she didn't give me nothing for it.

Speaker 10 Why does she owe you $20?

Speaker 6 I gave her a $20 bill. I gave her a $20 bill.

Speaker 10 For what?

Speaker 6 For anything. I don't care.
Whatever it's for, but she can give me my money back if she ain't going to do nothing with it.

Speaker 10 Okay, were you planning to buy some drugs or something?

Speaker 10 What kind of drugs were you wanting to buy?

Speaker 2 Rock.

Speaker 10 Rock. Yes, I was.
You gave her $20 to buy it.

Speaker 6 For $20, she gave me some plaster.

Speaker 10 And now you want your $20 back because she didn't supply you with crack cocaine.

Speaker 6 Well, she shouldn't have given me nothing. No plaster.

Speaker 6 She should have said no.

Speaker 2 What's going on?

Speaker 4 I came around here a while ago. It used to be some people living right over there that used to sell.
Yeah, we were sitting out here on the porch in some chairs.

Speaker 4 So she said, Y'all have anything to buy? I said, No, baby, we don't have nothing to sell. So she left me around the corner.

Speaker 4 Then she came back 10 minutes later, holler, give me my money back. I'm like, no, you ain't bought nothing from here.
Don't disrespect my child. This is my child.

Speaker 2 I don't sell crack. I'm a prostitute.

Speaker 2 I gave her.

Speaker 2 Oh, my goodness. Lord, have mercy.
This is the real world out there.

Speaker 1 I like the people call the cops. Why do they, why do you want the cops involved in that?

Speaker 2 I don't know. I'm processing the whole thing.

Speaker 2 This is where some of the 20 billion would get just to help rebuild that neighborhood and create jobs.

Speaker 1 Yeah, let's rebuild it. Yeah, rebuild it.

Speaker 2 I mean, those are, you know,

Speaker 2 give them some decent wage jobs.

Speaker 1 You know, listen, and every... Every city's got some tough neighborhoods that are.

Speaker 2 I mean, I always think of you like great comedian and all that, but

Speaker 2 if it didn't happen, if you didn't figure out that was your calling, i always thought you would have been a great a greeter at best buy male prostitute no best buy oh a greeter at best buy you would sit up yeah i would probably be pretty good hey welcome to best buy can i you know you would have been just great at that relax is that the one where i have a blue shirt

Speaker 2 you'd have some kind of shirt or maybe red or some kind of best buy a blue sir blue shirt i think so blue and yellow i could do that yeah i like yellow are the colors i would like that i would do that uh if i didn't do this i always feel for people because i don't don't know.

Speaker 1 I have absolutely no skills, none.

Speaker 2 Well, I always thought because I've majored in broadcasting, communication arts, what a goofy degree. A lot of people do.
Well, maybe I could be a, you know, an AM or an FM DJ.

Speaker 1 A radio announcer. Oh, a DJ.
Yeah, yeah. That's good.

Speaker 2 In a small, like, like in Santa Rosa or Fresno. This is the Dane Rock.
I used to do this joke where

Speaker 2 it's, let's see, what was it? It's like, it's 219 in the city, 224 on the Dane Rock. So the Dane Rock always had a slightly different time.

Speaker 1 Why is it Dane Rock ahead of time?

Speaker 2 I don't know. It's two, it's 12:28 in the city, 12:47 on the Dane Rock.
That was the time.

Speaker 1 Fucking Dane Rocks, it's just so happening or something.

Speaker 2 It was just Dana. Dana has a FM, you know, called the Dane Rock.
Yours would have been,

Speaker 2 it's Spudly time in Spudville. I'm your host, David Spader.

Speaker 1 No, I think I came up with a rap name.

Speaker 1 Here's my rap name:

Speaker 1 Pump Fake.

Speaker 1 You okay with that? I'm thinking are you in a jealous rage because it's so good?

Speaker 2 I am a little jealous.

Speaker 2 I would be,

Speaker 2 let's see, no,

Speaker 2 no,

Speaker 2 no, I can't.

Speaker 2 Don't worry,

Speaker 1 Heather will help you kill time by sneezing a thousand more times.

Speaker 2 I have one.

Speaker 1 Okay, you can be push fight.

Speaker 2 I would be no concealed weapons.

Speaker 1 That's your whole name?

Speaker 2 That'd be my name, rapper. And now, a new song from No Concealed Weapons.

Speaker 1 NCW.

Speaker 2 NCW.

Speaker 1 That's not bad.

Speaker 2 Because I won't keep my caps in my cap in my ass. I say, what? You go, and you don't want to be last.
I say, gotta have a blast. Say it won't last.

Speaker 2 Get up in your face and I'll tell you what's gonna happen.

Speaker 1 You're a regular machine gun scarecrow.

Speaker 1 No, he's good.

Speaker 1 Good, very snappy tune. You got a toe tapper.

Speaker 1 All right, one more story.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 I got a million things to do, Dan.

Speaker 2 I don't know if we end with this.

Speaker 1 This is a fun Christmas story. Indonesia's old Christmas tradition of kidnapping the naughty kids.

Speaker 2 Look at this.

Speaker 1 I like Christmas music.

Speaker 1 There's uncles grabbing kids and stuffing them in.

Speaker 1 Would this not scare you, Dana?

Speaker 1 But right at the end,

Speaker 1 he says, Okay, you're going to be good? So you're going to be good.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 it's a fun lesson for all

Speaker 2 no, no,

Speaker 2 too harsh when adults do do shit to little people, they forget how traumatizing it is.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah, so the only thing that would make up for that is other bigger guys come in, take the big guy, put him in a big bag.

Speaker 1 Yeah, then he promises you like the music, though.

Speaker 1 It's fun music during that.

Speaker 1 How about the videos of

Speaker 1 stupid parents inviting the Grinch over at night on Christmas Eve and the kids go fucking Bazoodis? They cannot, it's too terrifying.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah. No, that's a terrifying.
Did they see the movie of Jim Carrey?

Speaker 1 I mean, and they do, what they do with TikTok and then like,

Speaker 2 here's my kid. I got some clicks.

Speaker 2 Did you have a Santa? We had a neighbor, Bruce Stewart was his name. He owned a music store and he came over dressed as Santa.

Speaker 1 Oh, he was your local one on the street. You know, we owned a story.

Speaker 2 Yeah, just next door neighbor coming over to our house. We had five kids, maybe some friends there.
And I'm like two and a half. And I'm thinking to myself, you're not Santa.

Speaker 1 That's, that's Bruce. I know.
My Santa at the mall used to flirt with me every year. And every time I'd sit there, he'd be like, you've been working out? And I go, I'm six.
No.

Speaker 2 Did you remember the moment when you

Speaker 2 stopped believing in Santa Claus? Or did you ever? It was too horrible. No.

Speaker 1 Because I had to go home. It's always a kid at school wanting to ruin it for everyone.
And I can't stand it. See, the last of your innocence is believing in Santa.

Speaker 2 I don't remember believing, but I must.

Speaker 1 Oh, you never did?

Speaker 2 I don't remember, but I might have at two. When do you go back to?

Speaker 2 I go back to three, maybe. First memory, three.

Speaker 1 Oh, first memory is like three or four, yeah.

Speaker 2 I think it's more like four. You're a little slow.
Your mom's

Speaker 1 five.

Speaker 2 You were in the slow group for reasons.

Speaker 1 Well, I was in four years in Michigan from zero to four and all I remember is two memories one in snow and one my mom out front maybe I was blanking it out zero to four I always wondered how did people

Speaker 2 reminisce in the year two

Speaker 2 hey when were we at the lake I don't know it might have been early one I don't remember

Speaker 1 I think they say a caveman right now is like

Speaker 1 Seven is going to be my year.

Speaker 1 That's the new year is seven.

Speaker 2 And why did they always have Native Americans? Is it true they always said,

Speaker 2 instead of their age, they go, I've seen many winters. I mean, can't they just put a notch in a tree? I thought it was so patronizing.
I seen

Speaker 2 this many winters.

Speaker 1 They go, I was dating this girl, but let's just say she's seen a couple of winters. You know what I mean? She's getting up there.

Speaker 1 That's how they were rude back then.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I think they had it better off than us.

Speaker 1 All right, Dana, we really nailed it right at an hour, and then we'll have 45 minutes of commercials, so it should work out.

Speaker 2 We're going to make the commercials extra fun, so stay tuned. I think they're scattered throughout our nonsense.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Remember to smash that subscribe button.

Speaker 1 Yeah, smash the fucking shit.

Speaker 2 Remember, it's free entertainment. You can always fast forward.

Speaker 1 Dane and I are busting our humps over here.

Speaker 2 We're just trying to lighten your day, just lighten your day a little bit. We may change up our style soon.
We're going to see what happens in 2024. Yeah.
Might get a little more controversial.

Speaker 1 All right. I'll leave you with a flex.
All right. Thanks for coming, everyone.

Speaker 2 Thanks for being on my show, David.

Speaker 2 Yeah, thanks for having me. David Spade's been my guest.

Speaker 1 Okay, bye.

Speaker 1 This has been a presentation of Odyssey Superfly. It's executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade, Jenna Weiss-Berman of Odyssey, Heather Santoro, and Greg Holtzman.
Hope you liked it.