SUPERFLY #49 - Give Us Your Location

David, I don't know if you know this about me, but I've always been a fan of exploring new places. Not like you kind of, you know, no offense.
And one of my best trips, listen up, is when I stayed at an Airbnb. Felt like I was living like a local with all the space, comfort of home.
You know, hotels can be a hassle. Room service and then the housekeeper.
It's a hassle. then you go to airbnb and you can get whatever you want a little cottage this and that it's fantastic you have your own separate space so it's a great product for people who travel david yes i have friends doing one of these right now if you have a home you can it.
It's fantastic. I mean, to monetize your home when you're not there seems like a good idea.
I mean, look, I'm on the road a lot. I could probably do it.
It's something that people can do when they travel, they have extra space, or you're at a place not full-time. You come in the winter, you leave in the summer.
That's something you should think about. It's a way to get some extra money, and it's a cool experience.
Your home might be worth more than you'd think. Yep.
Find out how much at airbnb.com slash host. Hi, here's your report.
Thanks, Jane. I wish I could hire a whole team of yous.
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What are you talking about?

I'm talking about doing Garth at 70.

Oh, to do Garth again?

At 70, bitch.

Why not, bitch?

That's our first line of the podcast.

At 70, bitch.

No, I'm very young don't worry fans i want to thank our fans first of all for yeah thank the doctor steven greer holy tomatoes steven greer nice how many youtubes at this point 2.6 million i'm gonna say more that's a lot where i came from where i come from from you come from scottsdale yeah jesus christ they had more clicks than an eight-year-old discovering google okay not too bad in a pinch more clicks than michael flatley's heels during lord of the dance

more clicks than one of those irish dance lines will have to be iced down after

my fucking ankles and ice more clicks than adam sandler doing a sequel to clicks

more clicks than when you search click during the movie click in the script clicks ahoy yeah so that worked out 20 000 comments about the uh steven greer and the ufos comments i know you do and so what was the how did they think my hair looked in that episode 19,000 were about the hair and some were about

Stephen Greer was the how did they think my hair looked in that episode 20 uh 19 000 were about the hair yeah and some were about steven greer no people are a little nervous a little afraid a little trepidatious uh i think all this stuff there's something to it because as we'll show when we get into stories there's a map uh we have to show where the ufos and drones drones is another word for air weather balloons from the 50s when they say so ufo it turns out to be a weather balloon you're like i don't know so there's some drones i was at the airport i ended up next to the guy and he went on and on and on about these ufos and i said would you stop droning on yeah not bad in a pinch that's two for me i'm up two zero with my clicks the top of your head it's got to be empty at this point i got no notes you got a whole list of jokes right in front of you no i don't i know you don't i made that up no i do i uh i i have to say that the it was very intriguing what he said it You know, there's little 10-minute chunks of answers with him, but he's got a lot of information. So I think people sift through like we do.
I understand that. That makes sense to me.
Northrop Grubman, these places, a lot of these places have tons of money. No one's looking over here.
They're building. So are these drones partially ours? I drones partially ours are they the bad guys we've seen this one a lot and i think it was in interstellar you know point a to point b but if you fold the folded paper what do you get i was a little bit like by the way it doesn't it doesn't make exact sense to me like i get the idea of it but so you told time I don't know.
So you fold the universe like a napkin. What are you talking about? I mean, it's the universe fold.
I never tried it, but. Yeah.
I mean, it's like a folding chair. Yeah.
You know, you just grab it, fold it. That table won't see 12 unfolded.
It will. Yeah.
But I say we're here. No one knows how or why there's stars out there they seem like they're beckoning us

so I don't know I go at it

with a quizzical

but not cynical open mind

David I do agree that there's something

beckoning us

I think my strong opinion is something weird

is going on

it's my strong strong side I take

look here's the way

I think of this okay science, if science is a thing, that Earth at one point was just an inert rock. It was just a rock.
There were all microbes. There's no water.
That came from comets. Thousands of comets came and spilled the water.
But basically, you have a rock. So if you want to understand the theory of evolution you put a rock on your kitchen table you come back four billion years later richard nixon is sitting there that's evolution that's it oh my god that's no one's said it so concisely a rock turned into beyonce turned into richard nixon turned into elon musk a solid rock they said because we're so microscopic that they said that you know they found they found water in the galaxy a trillion times more a chunk of water a trillion times more than we have in our oceans i'm like okay guys either we're throwing the word trillion around too much but no one can check that no one knows two scientists maybe trillion is probably an understatement.
Any entity, any celestial object

that has hydrogen and oxygen is big yeah could make water that's why we want to get a hotel on the moon and a space things and we go up there get the water from the hydrogen and oxygen and get our ass to mars but when you go there the first time you got to bring that shitty boxes of kirkland water from costco just to make sure you have some water up there before you find the wells and everything yeah you have to bring a lot of a lot of canteens this is a bit i used to do which has become i want people our audience to know that they can use it when trying to get advice from friends so i i did a bit about a spaceship in space uh houston uh this Apollo, whatever. There is a giant spider, a giant spider in front of our spacecraft.
Do advise, please. Apollo, whatever, this is Houston.
Our advice is to get away from the monster. I repeat, get away from the monster.
So that's become a running thing with my brother and i when there's relationship issues or whatever's going on in any way in your life just just remember this get away from the monster yeah that's life is that simple i think we finished our podcast right i don't need mission control to tell me i know that oh mission control and apollo whatever yeah i like that bit is a little undercooked it's like the place where they make the calls and the space thing just trying to get to the advices get away should i stay with this this guy or this girl and then you hear about me uh my advice is to get away from the monster i've run from some monsters i will tell you there's a lot of crazy weather i don't know if this killer fog is real the poison fog i do know that weather porn on tv is something they do like to scare you and it works where they it used to just be really cold back east now it's a polar vortex you know let's not throw around the word vortex so easily to have uh lots of rain now we have atmospheric rivers mofo what the fuck

yeah i don't need any monsoonal moisture i don't need a river 8 000 feet above my head oh atmospheric river there's a stormageddon stormageddon yeah you can add mageddon and you can have burrito mageddon and it's like a little scarier than just eating a bur. Yes.
Oh, that's right. Armageddon.
Who started that besides Bruce Willis? Who said the asteroid's the size of Texas? Billy Bob? Yep. Billy Bob Thornton.
Oh, yeah. One of our own.
Here, step on my dick or suck my dick. But you got to do one or the other.
I'm really enjoying Landman with Billy Bob Thornton. And Jon Hamm are both great.
Oh, is he on it? And others. Ali Carter.
Michelle Randolph. Yeah.
Yeah. But Billy Bob in the zone reacting to all these craziness, you know, and he's so much fun to watch as an actor.
Yeah. I've heard Landman is the to watch my buddy always gives me the updates i'm not saying it's shakespeare but it's really entertaining okay so here's another thing i'm driving up my house today my little crooked street to my dumpy mansion and there's a woman that since i've moved here three years ago you know the hoa is always so tough i guess this isn't an hoa so she's just gone rogue but she puts cones across her whole front yard and her driveway across the whole thing one house okay and there's some are green you notice that other green they're not even matching and then police tape sure it's not christmas ornaments for no it's not okay go ahead you're like the cops interviewing me no i know what ornaments are dana i don't it's not the cops are interviewing you about the cones yeah and i'm like no they go you sure it wasn't like candles i'm like no they're orange cones and then police tape like it's a crime scene and i want to say to hey, get all this shit off here.
Like the whole street looks like a dump. You know, because.
Right, right. All it takes is one.
And she said, oh, what happened was, because she's a little older and a little crazier. She goes, oh, some people were parking in my driveway.
In your driveway. She goes, they were blocking it.
And I go, and when was this? She's this she's like 1987 i go well i think the the tide has gone out and we're okay for a while so why don't we just not make our whole neighborhood look like dog shit and then you walk and then you you got out of your bathroom stopped looking in the mirror and practicing what you were going to say yeah just a meek wave right i practice even when i pull up and i don't want to do when i'm going up the hill because it kills my neck so i want to do when i'm going down and then i'll i'll do the window like this i just stare at her through the window and then i get my fingers ready and go and it goes down then i go hey fucko she's she's like 90 she's like me and i'm like yeah who else is here and then uh i continued that speech that i've practiced all right here's what we do we park in front of her house yeah we we get heather comes out like it's a and w root beer in the 1960s puts a tray on our window and we order hamburgers and milkshakes and we eat them as we're staring at our porch either that if you can't move because i know you've got multiple abodes then you got to get away from the monster that is my advice you know that's true yeah you know you i don't want to for sure move in with you but it's on the table okay other than that it's okay that's my that's the most scary scariest thing I've heard in a long time. Can I move into one of your pantries? We put you in there with your protein bars and your Gatorade.
So I had a good Christmas and it was New Year's. I went to the comedy store.
That was fun. Did a couple of sets.
Saw Tim Dillon. We had one show where it was me tim dylan nikki glazer and bobby lee annie letterman it was really fun so that was fun because the years eve i didn't have any plan so i we've been working on who can follow glazer at this point it's the year of nikki well it's hard to follow because she's also working on a golden globe set so she's like she's working on her monologue so she goes up and says everyone this will be fine you can be a part of the audience picture of the golden gloves and then it's a little different because it's not your regular set you have to pretend you pretend they're like where am i yeah you're like this hey welcome to the golden gloves hey look at bradley cooper you asshole and then everyone's like where is he here no no we're pretending we're okay you know what but i just gonna insert this because they yeah youtube for some reason feeds me rickett gervais at the golden globes yeah and no one could really follow rickett gervais but now nikki that nikki is gonna save the show and i will negotiate her second hosting deal for her i will tell i they're gonna start calling her nikki gervais because she could stay likable and shit on people because she has this intrinsic likability yeah well they're expecting i mean i think it's the closest to her doing the roast you know a captive audience they know it's coming i think the emmys for her wouldn't have been as good of an idea i think they talked about her hosting that the emmys are a little more fluffy and boring and this this at least everyone's close you got a lot more movie stars and you can directly yeah they're right there let's let's play a little game for a second okay but just that you're you're the host you see bradley cooper you want to do a friendly jab hi hey i'll do one i'll do one if you don't want i'll go first go ahead a bradley cooper oh yeah the maestro we remember that didn't do that well guess it wasn't conduct conducted properly okay that's all i got sorry that was an ad-lib folks hey bradley uh i was gonna see the maestro

but i was sick that day i was sick that year it kind of came and went okay let's see who else will be there hey um jennifer lopez how are you i hear you're dating matt damon that's not to get back at Ben, is it?

Look at our fictitious crowd work

is bombing. I know.

That's why we do it here on the podcast when it's only us and our 275 000 the best crowd work is when you do the front row and like we've talked about and no one can see in the back so you go look at this muscle man up front he's like this i'm gonna pick going to pick up the table. And then everyone laughs.
And then you look at him. He's a meek little nerd.
I know. You just invent characters up front.
And then they can't see. Reverse engineer your jokes.
Look at this dwarf. What's he doing up here? Look at four eyes.
This dipshit. Other than that, I did see the set she's doing for the Golden Globes.
Very good. Should be great.
It's going to be great. I'm excited to see that.
Will brady be at the golden globe now what if they just put him there so he can get shit on she should plant him in there it'd be funny it would be funny for him to have she should tell the golden globes act like you're the tom brady audience i'm gonna do tom brady jokes all right let's get to our hot stories yeah i have no we have no guests so you have a story i'm

sorry we didn't know i have an observation yeah that in hollywood and i know there's people

working this week um but in hollywood you know you do the christmas you do the new year's

and now there's these days that we're podcasting and these are lost days these days you can't

really start a project or end a project you never know what day is it is it is it friday is it sunday

I want to say... that we're podcasting and these are lost days these days you can't really start a project or end a project you never know what day is it is it is it friday is it sunday what yeah that's true i'm completely disoriented it just makes me really sad okay yeah i know that the agents who don't like to work anyway they they are usually first of all if christmas is on the 25th usually they take off on the 9th and then not kidding it is it used to be like the 15th of december shut down now it's creeping up the day after thanksgiving it's slim pick i mean literally people go we were pitching something and they go and it was like the first of november and they go well we'll try to get some dates in january i go to pitch it and i go well it's november 1st it's just halloween they go well i got thanksgiving and then no one really does anything until the new year so the servant's supposed to come back on the 6th so i checked with someone they go yeah we're gonna sort of trickle back six seventh eighth they're in villas trickle back what what it's new year's eve i can't remember it and guys they're in hawaii or the caribbean in a villa it's not a high-rise hotel room it's a villa with servants and a private boat and a private yacht i mean they work hard you know so they take a couple months around the middle of the year they take all year it's really and you don't you have to bring your dumbo kids back to school or anything? I mean, anything you have to do?

They have someone else doing that.

I'm sorry to break it to you, Dave.

It's called a nanny, all right?

They have the jet and a little baby private jet takes the kids.

Yeah.

Junior wants a banana split.

Crack to it.

Make it, servant.

Yeah.

Junior.

All right.

What's your story? Someone I know just got engaged in, and it's a big one. It's a big one.
It's the next step in a relationship, and that's why they have a thing called an engagement ring. What was the Beyonce song song you should have put a ring on it oh yeah pay attention to that and we know how you can get a nice ring right you go to blue nile blue nile your engagement ring shopping spot you got the shape they got the size setting cut color it's all very confusing but you need someone to help walk you through it.
That's the place to go.

It is confusing, but they make it simple is what I'm going to say. Yeah, you go there and they clear it up because I don't know what I'm doing.

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BlueNile.com. Some people follow the rules, but where's the fun in that? I'm Soraya and this is Rule Breakers,

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Every week, I sit down with the biggest rule breakers in sports, entertainment, and beyond

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an Odyssey podcast available now for free on the Odyssey app and wherever you get your podcasts. As a small biz owner, you don't have the luxury of clocking out early.
This is very true. Your business is on your mind 24-7.
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Yeah. I think when you're trying to hire someone, there's a lot of different things you're looking for, but you want them to kind of have your, your aesthetic, your sensibility.
If you were, you could look up those words, David. Um, and that's hard to have a chemistry, uh, and match.
So LinkedIn is, is going to try to shorten that for that process for you and make sure you've heard of LinkedIn. I mean, that's why, cause it's been around forever.
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You can even add a hashtag hiring frame to your profile get two times more qualified candidates you didn't know that trick post your job for free at linkedin.com slash candidates that's linkedin.com slash candidates to post your job for free terms and conditions do apply okay okay this is oh this is okay this is california's oh i think i'm annoyed that california we live in california folks they keep asking for money for homeless fine now i used to vote for that and when i go vote but now the last 24 billion that's gone unaccounted for they can't figure out what they spend on fine i mean that's 20 that's 18 zeros babe can we keep some tabs on it wait a minute taxpayers pay money government has 24 billion what are you gonna do with it we're gonna get it to all these different homeless initiatives fix everything agencies and we're gonna take care of the homelessness four years later hey there's twice as many homeless where'd the money go uh we're not really sure right but we'll get back to you. The grossest part is then they go, by the way, we're raising money for homeless.
They're taxing you again. I'm like, I'm all for paying taxes.
I love it. But if I can't see anything from it, like just show me a road in front of my house.
It's a little smoother. Take down the cones and the police tape.
Then I'll go, something in my life is better, but you want more for home? And then people are coming in that are homeless my house it's a little smoother take down the cones and the police then i'll go something in my life is better but you want more for home and then people are coming in that are homeless now it's like the homeless is getting worse increased so if it's not that it's not it's not the same it's 24 billion and it's going up i'm gonna call it weird and it feels like a business that something's going on where obviously we don't know about because people forget it used to be millions of dollars that everything it was just in the last five seven years that you started giving away a billion and now it's like chump change it's 100 billion 200 billion and guess what this is the way the government works if they fund a program 24 billion and if you said we've solved homeless but we only spent 15 billion that's considered a failure you got to spend the budget so you get the same amount the following right because covid money was left over and they wouldn't spend it on home like anyway i'm not going to fix this town lydon's passing out covet checks today because we had a left of leftover 250 billion dollars a lot of people didn't claim the check anyway hey come on i remember there was an earthquake he's like no the hurricane remember to get your covet shot that's what the first thing we have to do on the way to fix the hurricane yeah it says right here i'm gonna do everything i was ever done what do He's getting worse. I saw him today talking about there's tragedy of course the new year brings immediate tragedy and he's like this hey man this is a bit of a fuck up but uh you know it's all gonna fucking smooth out in the big picture he's definitely can't he doesn't even know what's going i did him really strong and people got all flipped out There's no crisis of border.
What are you making fun of that guy behind the scenes? He's running laps around us. Hey, Jack.
Get your facts straight, Jack. I love when he's tough.
Okay, what's the next one? What's the next one? Kroger just rolled out surge pricing using facial recognition. Oh, okay.
Play what this guy says. Okay.
Just rolled out surge pricing using facial recognition technology. This means that Kroger has the ability to change the prices of their products depending on the image of the person buying them.
Not to mention that most corporations already own a lot of our data. This means that depending on the image of the person buying the product, they can access our information and dictate that price.
We can also use our image to determine how often we buy certain products and increase the price of that product. It could lead to discriminatory practices using AI as a scapegoat.
It gets worse. People of turn it they used to do it if you wore a roland or pulled up in a bentley but that guy all i'll say about that guy perfectly nice guy but he could really really play an ai robot in a movie without any he was very is that guy ai he looked very digital me to me what kroger is doing is studying you and raising their prices now where do they study like you lean over for a head of lettuce and there's a camera in the lettuce or something what do you do it when you check out what they do they see me and they go he it goes he orders lots of kumquats raise the price on them because i need them like whatever i need they

they inch up the price i guess well if they go to your your lovely home and you say we're going to trim your hedge and then they look around they see a few things look at a couple things they go that'll be one million dollars oh yeah and then you go in the mirror and tell them off you come out and you say okay guys i told you i got a car wreck i was on sunset i tell you this already and then i just tapped a guy in front of me it was more like for fun it was just funny and then uh yeah he got out and he goes are you david spade i go yeah and he goes oh so he literally was like i was like well listen because he was pretty cool about it he goes i'm all right and we look and he goes my car is all right i go yeah and then i'm like well should we get take pictures or something he goes yeah so i'm like selfie i just wanted to like get a selfie and get out of it but But he goes, no, maybe of the car. So we did that.
And then... Could you see any damage yourself? No.
No, to mine was a little on the license plate, but to his, nothing. And then I'm like, listen, let's get out of here.
I mean, I guess we'll never know whose fault it is. Who's to say? Yeah.
And he's like, so i guess it's yours i'm like sure and then anyway so don't hear from the guy for two weeks of christmas and then he's uh insurance contacted us and a lawyer really oh because he's feeling a little sore no because he goes his first question is are you david spade so he tells someone that and they're like oh well obviously you're gonna assume even though you're fine he's like oh i mean i guess i don't love it so is there a lawsuit or what i mean there's a lawyer involved now i don't know what's going on exactly precisely but i don't like that i feel like it's kroger price gouging with me with the same you know it's just they're just doing it more sophisticated people would gouge all the time and and you know i knew someone who literally kept a neck brace in their closet and if they ever got a fender bender or thought anything or even kind of walked on an escalator improperly or something they just lawyer up and they've made a lot a lot of money because people just want it to go away they wouldn't say give me a million but they go 50 grand i'm gone you know pay him that person was john lovett oh no we gotta cut that out he's coming back on he's our favorite guest the funniest Okay, next story. What's on the hot off the presses from three weeks ago? Oh, this is funny.
This is one of the football games. Okay, you know they all run out at the start.
This is like from a movie. Oh, yeah.
Yeah, here we go. Oh, my God! What is this, the poison fog in Florida? look at the hell wipe out and pile on each other they all wipe out because there's too much mist to make them look like they're goddesses gods coming from the viking mist the freaking smoke uh the guy was like this ish ish ish i'll get a raise he should have done a they weren't all at rehearsal i'll tell you that uh the college sports you could never exactly i played i played not now islands well actually played it near new islands and the guy gave us a tour of the of the campus it was all stadiums baseball day of football 100 000 that's 150 000 people fit in that state that's bigger than any antihil and we've sold out 48 years in a row i mean it's kind of like it's a game people that's high school too out there in texas and friday night lights you know this reminds me of one time when i was in snl i went to a strip club with timmy meadows sounds like a horrible meadows we just went i like how i dragged him into the story but we went i made him go with me i go let's go and there was a uh uh girl named terry i can't say anyway she was we saw we knew she was in playboy but she had jumped made the leap into porn it's not a huge it is a big leap it's just from you know naked to porn which is you know especially back then that's that's all done now only fools yeah that it's all sex workers are great yeah then she would have is everything now she had to go out there like you know listen porn now is just on your phone and the girl's like i'll stay in my house i wouldn't know so so dennis miller and i were trying to write a sketch about uh like a porn star husband because she had a little show she did because you know she did like two shows a night so she comes out and the guy's like he's got like a little board he's like this little smoke machine a little puff of smoke comes out she comes out and then he's like this he's got like light board like this it's this big he's like lights down and up and then and then it's like it's the cheapest he's got a long ponytail he's like babe and then afterwards you get a polaroid with her for 20 bucks and he was like i'll handle the money i don't like the music choice to me the classic is like yeah i mean that that's classic so the idea is going yeah no he's trying to add music he's trying to like be the manager and the husband and the stage direction and the lighting it was just all like so lo-fi uh and that was i give him credit for trying but only fans is is the shall yet i I read about them in business sites, about global business.

It's up to seven billion a year generated on on only fans so and anyone can go on there by the way they want comedians on there they want to branch it out but yeah i don't want it all whitney cummings is on there yeah there was a woman making a she made about a million a year and she's never naked or having sex or anything she might be in her panties or i don't know but it's not it's soft and then she talks of lonely fellas too yeah you know so it's she's pretty cool yeah uh yeah will i do it i'll say maybe you'll see i'll do it well she's on yeah only when he's only fans is like for comedy give whitney time she would laugh at that whitney did a good job at cnn roast did you see that I heard about it also if also if i do only fans i'll just do carnival food and i'll go click on this and you'll see my corn dog and then they click for 20 and then they go it's a real corn dog i go that's what i said i say then you turn around they see your cinnabons all right how far is this metaphor going about the sexual proclivity of a man who's substituting Danish and circus snacks for their appendages proclivity hey I know I get I get smarter when I do Dennis if he's listening get a big turkey leg my IQ gets bigger by the way I just want real quick uh new year's resolution for David's Bay just so we can do a viral thing i know you got something locked and loaded new year's resolution david phineas what is mine yeah um you don't have to have one i don't think i have any great ones you you know your resolution is not to have resolution people go like that oh yeah uh yeah i don't have any major ones uh i'm just trying to uh i'm trying to use less than 22 hours a day on my phone that's what my last report was and i'm like we gotta pump them numbers up my phone fucking beats me up every day first of all i had a i had an apple watch i lost

it 10 years ago you almost close your circle i'm not even clicking on anything you could get there

you're behind actually and then it says congratulations you you're you're you beat

last week's record you're on your phone for 79 hours like that's reminding me when it shows you

how much phone usage i walk away i put the phone down i turn it over i go i don't want to know

Thank you. like that's reminding me when it shows you how much phone usage i walk away i put the phone down i turn it over i go i don't want to know have you done this where it says hey iphone because they they go here's a story that's so interesting you'd like and i go all right and i click on it it goes join the wall street journal right now and you can read it i go no no don't bait and switch me that horse shit don't play i do a lot of clickbait on some of these sites like cnn like you okay i'll click on a fucking thing and then it's like are you a subscriber join do you like to join for a dollar a month good headline though huh what's it about you want to know just put your email in we'll you a free one for a little bit.
Okay. Answer.
Just live. Don't even think.
Are these a plus positive for society or negative? Yes or no? Plus? Fonz. Plus for humanity or minus? Plus.
Okay. I know where your bread's cluttered.
What do you say? No. I don't know.
I'm an analog man in a digital world you know listen i was doing fine with an abacus forever abacus what's the next line joke for abacus is that's funny i had one is that too old i'm not sure what the substitute is between calculator calculator there you know i guess so yeah well i was uh okay i was writing no we were writing notes in class and you know that's gone and do those little fold-up napkins instead of texts what were those things you'd write things on them you do a little fold and then oh yeah a little puzzle or something that's one before phones what about at snl when like sarah sherman's like then i texted lauren and said why did my sketch get cut i'm like you text lauren as the floors me as a cast member during the show oh yeah lauren giving notes when i did that hunter biden and then we're all sitting there and lauren's got a microphone now and he's like cold open and he starts reading and then he goes sarah um because she was like matt gates maybe uh you got to face the you're in the you're not in the light enough can you face more towards the middle and she goes i'll try i'm like yeah i have a yes sir i remember one was that the show where he said um dana you're you you look like you're reading the cards and i said i look like i'm reading the cards because i am reading the cards can wally give it to me so i can just hold it well it's a lot of fucking dialogue i used to i was doing now just yeah here we go and then i'd fall down or something all of a sudden um that thing was written last minute they did an incredible job but it was a lot of uh traffic i was not used to it but you know i got used a little bit because they were moving the cards inside baseball for the audience there's a single shot of the church lady they'd move the cards under there and then they'd move them over there you know and there was a little bit where do i look at my single or do i look at look at the wide shot and we needed more rehearsal to get that down sure that ain't snf because they go hunter biden right toward they go hunter biden you deliver that one thing about trump straight to camera i go all right and then i did it and after dress they go we're moving the camera we'll tell you where it is you'll figure it out i'm like i wouldn't count on me figuring it out why don't you just tell me and then while matt gates is on while he's literally over there pointing and going like this i'm like what does that mean i'm on in 20 seconds and then the guy goes he says it's changed now you're looking at a different camera i go and what camera would that be we're trying to look relaxed inside baseball we look we're trying i'm trying to be the church lay interviewing hunter biden we're trying to be relaxed having a conversation we're seeing like nine cameras and 25 people nervously staring at us cute card guys waving cards and moving them around going like this behind them wondering if they're gonna laugh they're looking at the monitor look at us look at the monitor and the whole time be relaxed your line under rehearse it's a fun job all right next story next story next story oh yeah have you heard of leg surgery have you heard of leg turkeys where everything's happening everyone's getting hair transplants and leg surgery so this is a guy it was me and the leg lengthening surgery leg lengthening yeah i'm sorry no that's that's big and they go to turkey to do it and it's very real this is not a joke so this says excuse me me and the boys after we go to turkey for leg lengthening surgery this is an orthodontic surgeon okay play the surgeon too i want to hear what he says for a second me and the boys after going to turkey to get leg lengthening surgery yeah so this is a thing is this fucking real look at that no they look i mean but this is real in a way because they do do it i think these are too big but they can do about three or four inches they cut your leg in half and they insert metal things then put it

back together it's like just pretend you've been in an auto accident hey well how was that auto accident oh i'm fine now i'm when i told people was yeah i just said i'm writing a script i need to be quiet for the next couple don't bother me and then they go where's the script i go what script is that by the way i'm 6-3 and they go oh in the script i was i was turkey so it's ironically it's in turkey why is everything in turkey i don't know what is up with turkey they're messing around with trump they're very tough their leader and they're gone he's a tough cookie he smart cookie he's a sweet cookie you can get a lot of cookies out of him the new Trump I'm working on the new Trump because he's not at the rally screaming he's more quiet now so there's going to be a new Trump that I'm going to and he won so he doesn't have to try as hard yeah he can be more conversational because all his dreams came true yeah well listen it's very it's very good and uh we're doing things and uh that's the new one i like that we're gonna take care of a lot of people and um a lot of people are talking about it you can see it and and look at it it's like he's so happy that he's jr's got a new chick she is buzzed by mar-a-largo the other day don jr i know they sent the old the uh girlfriend woman and they sent her to greece was sending her to greece to greece she's going she was dating don jr they were going to get married but we're sending her to greece and she's in greece she's gonna stay in greece and be our ambassador to greece greece senator turkey get some longer legs i'd rather go to greece get on an island you know oh yeah that doesn't sound like a bad deal it's not exactly alaska so antarctica all right next one we're doing great dana we're doing great i'm so proud of us okay you read this one construction of luxury ski resort in the ukraine starts in the middle of russian invasion i never know what's going on with you what is going on that can't be real well some of these things i see on instagram it's like ukrainian nightclubs everyone's like every girl's beautiful and they're like i'm like are what is going on well maybe most of the war is this in the maybe it's on the outskirts or something not at the east where toward russia maybe it's on the way west in the mountain i don't want to say they're flush with cash but they do have probably a little extra laying around because how can you spend that much money i don't know uh it's a problem to get it spent safely and accurately and legally yeah i say one word fishy i'll leave it at that i well the weird part is and i'm just reading this off my phone but the

people who are in charge of the california homeless 25 happened to be the committee to free ukraine

it was ukrainian the same accountants same accountants from ukraine were working in

california can we fire those accountants i don't think they're nailing it we're gonna stop it we're

gonna stop the war very fast it's gonna take one minute i'm gonna do it unless i i like when he goes one phone call war over what's the phone call no no no no no no we're dealing with tough cookies these are tough more cookies these cookies are tough and you gotta you gotta hand it to him he's a tough cookie he's He's a smart cookie. But I'm telling you what, we got cookies, too.
He asked me, he said, do you accept cookies? I knew that was true. Let me ask you and our fans a question.
Please. 100 times a day, they say, can we have your location or not? Is that true? That's what mine is.
Yeah. Can we have your location? Allow it allow it or not allow why do they want it so bad first of all they know where it is uber comes to get me everyone then i go hey how far is it from i said the other day like syracuse to naples florida and they go you'll have to get me your location i go you don't need it how just how many miles is it give us your location just go to settings it's so easy i go it doesn't matter what's the temperature there we'll give us your location we'll tell you what it is over there i go fucking siri and i go at it guess what's the latest is because i was somewhere from movie theaters we'd like to we we'd like to have your precise location i'm sorry what like they which part of the house are you in yeah precise location is the latest one but when i say uh not that you're not allowed to have my location then the wi-fi sucks and i can't the stuff goes shitty then i go allow it and i notice it's better they get what they want but you want to make your life

easy just say yes to everything and you're like allow if you want to have good wi-fi in your life

if you want to be a smart cookie a good cookie any kind of yeah I'm telling you Siri's been a

real twat I hate to use that kind of language all right what's the next one seriously Siri has been. Hey, Realtors.
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slash guarantees.

Tourists in underwear versus

seven officers. I think a fight's

going to break out. I don't know what this is.

Everything's happening in Belisarius.

Or Belarus.

I think

these cops, when they don't have guns,

who's scared of them?

This guy in his underpants isn't

you can't even trip him the kids are involved look at this little kid in his shorts what's he gonna do this little girl Your wrestling is useless.

Taze him. girl your your wrestling is useless tazen i mean look at spade i can't take him down he's so angry that he's got a superpower anger strength why is he mad and what is he on and give me his underwear he's terrorizing the cop the underpants burglar is back listen you gotta see that click on that if you will if you're listening to this in your car it sounds worse than it is in his underpants he's kind of a heavyset bald man is terrorizing dozens of people as police officers don't know what to do he's really doing nothing he's not shooting up the place he's just screaming running around screaming and there's kids i would be too i'd be like hey dude beat it like don't scream around kids dipshit to me that's just another saturday when i was a kid saturday and belisarius what's it called belisarius and i jerald for what's Belarus, people.
Look at you. Belarus, Belarus.
Can you do the Fandango? Belarus, Belarus. Could you do the Fandango? Thunderboats and Lightning.
What movie is that from? Wayne's World. Did you hurt your neck in that? A little sore.
You know, we had Penelope, and Chris and I did it in a scene and i think black sheep and she goes shake your head more i go i can't it's too painful because chris has like no bones in his head he's like he's like he's like he was he was like gumby yeah he could just i'm like i can't just no one's looking at me you were really doing the same thing dun dun dun We were doing it not to... off but it was like just some hard metal or something but it kills your neck i would never do it today never you know you you just get in a way where you fake it like there's this um heavy metal man german rammstein and the lead singer he's this hulking german guy dos ice dos ross thisis, dos, ros, dies.
And it feels like he's getting a little older now, but he wants to do that big old with the head. Flip their hair around.
He kind of gets in a low squat, and he's sort of more moving his shoulders than the head, you know? Feel bad, yeah. There's ways to fake it to make you, we'll talk about it for your next, when's your special? Yeah.
By the way, April, I think April bus boys i haven't even looked at us boys the new movie that's going into production can i announce that yeah we're going the 10th it's coming up theo vaughn and david spade are the bus the bus boys by the way i bring it up because i i forgot that i'd probably have to carry bus tubs and i go how many styrofoam ones are we do we have on the set with fake pretend paper glasses and they're like dude are you joking i'm like this is a strong one i go no you better have didn't you write this i'm like i know i didn't really think well are you clearing a table with a tray and carrying it like that i mean you know how it is like when i'm a bus boy they have all these posters in the back like lift with your legs look straight up i'm like yeah when you're out in the field like i am boots in the ground you know you're like there's the kettle a pitcher of water rip your back there's a pot of coffee rip your back lever arm ripping

neck scalenes scms i had to take giant things of hot because i cleaned pots gigantic pots that

weigh a freaking ton and then i would spill the water out but one time it went on my left wrist

and it hurt for 20 20. 20 years it hurt.

I finally got rid of it by doing exercises on it.

But yeah, I hurt myself a lot.

No one wants to see anyone do that signal if they're over 12.

Remember, I used to be embarrassed to go,

Mom, it's so dry in Arizona.

When you're at the store, can you pick up some jerkins my remember jerkins lotion we called it jerkins jerkins and that was i think the commercial should have said that also there was rose milk gross i was at the lake with some buddies doing like a guy's weekend and my brother my brother loves beef jerky so he did this joke of probably five six hundred times he'd put the he'd have the beef jerky he'd hold it up to you and say jerk that would kill jerk and it would kill in the room while we were all we had a couple pops you know yeah i'm happy to do some fucking wobbly pops just all beer you know lager beer no harm done all right we can keep going let's go another one this is so entertaining okay i'll read it there's a woman this is we always read them because people listen are driving okay three there's a woman sitting on a commode dressed yeah three unusual benefits to getting rid of toilet paper and using a family cloth instead i have not heard about this i did not know this go ahead what is she doing about this let's go okay there's there's no more toilet paper she's got like a rag a rag and she's gonna wipe the bottom there's is that it you save

four hundred sixty five dollars a month well do you rinse it out after you choose these or

you hand it to the next guy so it's just a face

rag and then you wipe your behind and then you i don't know i don't love it it's okay covered in skitters well i don't know if i want to use it second third fourth fifth you know and, you know, and. Well, I have a personal experience with this.
Goes back a few years. I'm four years old.
I get up before everybody. Poopity, poopity time.
There's no toilet paper. So I do use a little hand towel.
And being four years old, I put it back on the rack with a full Monty. So then later on, my dad comes out.
Oh, Jesus Christ, what's this? So I had to get in get in the living room he made me go get his belt i had to grab my ankles and all my siblings gather around and he asked how many how many and i got a nice little whooping it's a show like gladiator yeah how many should he get yeah it was like a thousand a million he's like keep it within reason my other pooh do you want to hear my other po story it's 30 seconds i do know i had to pick the belt once when my dad showed up once a year did he snap it did he snap it go get the belt i'm like um and then i got a drink i go you want a belt of whiskey and he's like nice try no i later on i'd go back i'll go back there for 10 minutes i couldn't find it dude, dude. He forgot.
What did I need it for? Oh, yeah. That's great.
Okay. What's your other poop story? Hurry.
Hurry. My dad did not like to stop.
So when we're driving in the station wagon in Montana, once you get going, you just keep going. You know, I got to go.
Oh, Jesus Christ. You can go and win a mocha.
And again, I'm three or four, poo my pants, get to the Uncle Jack's uncle jack's house he goes hey something smells coming out of the car i go in the bathroom take down my drawers and i see the situation the only way to get clear is to get the underwear and get rid of them you can't flush them can't put them in the thing so what i did was i crumpled up the soiled underwear and i climbed there was a window that i climbed out of went in the backyard dug a hole with my hands and buried the underwear your underpants my i buried my underpants now your words not mine you took off your soiled drawers climbed out a window and buried your under panties is that your testimony what grew a poop tree oh you're in years later they sold the house and some people were about to buy it but then they went over there and they were kind of arcade and archaic like a fossil thing and so dude this is the grossest fucking i'm sorry i've really turned I don't care. Pop quiz.
Pop quiz. Best movie of 2024.
For real? Look at this. I'm giving myself a thumbs up.
I like your thumbs up. Oh, look at that.
Is Heather doing that? Uh-uh. Oh, okay.
This is a woman explaining to a cop, a real woman. She wants money for something.
I can't remember. Go ahead.
Let me see. I gave her a 20 and she didn't give me nothing.
Why does she owe you $20? I gave her a $20 bill. I gave her a $20 bill.
For what? For anything. I don't care.
Whatever it's for, but she can me my money back if she ain't gonna do nothing with it. Okay, were you planning to buy some drugs or something? Yes, I was.
What kind of drugs were you wanting to buy? Rock. Rock.
Yes, I was. You gave her $20.
I gave her $20. She gave me some plaster.
And now you want your $20 back? Yes, I do. Because she didn't supply you with crack cocaine.
Well, if she shouldn't give me nothing, no plaster or nothing, she should have said no. What's going on? I agree.
She's going on i agree a while ago there used to be some people right over there used to sell yeah we were sitting out here on the porch in some chairs so she said y'all have anything to buy i said no baby we don't have nothing to sell so she left one around the corner did she come back 10 minutes later holler give me my money back up no you ain't bought nothing from here don't disrespect my child this is my child i don't sell crack i'm a prostitute i gave her oh my lord have mercy this is the real world out there i like the people call the cops why do they why do you want the cops involved in that uh i don't know i'm processing the whole thing i uh this is where some of the 20 billion would get just to help rebuild that neighborhood and create jobs.'s rebuild it yeah rebuild it i mean those are you know and give them some decent wage jobs you know listen and every every city's got some tough neighborhoods that are i mean i always think of you like great comedian and all that but if yeah if it didn't happen if you didn't figure out that was your calling i always thought you would have been a great you're a greeter at best buy male prostitute oh best buy a greeter at best buy you would sit up yeah i would probably be pretty good hey welcome to best buy can i you know you would have been just great at that relax is that the one where i have a blue shirt you'd have some kind of shirt or maybe red or some kind of best buy a blue shirt blue shirt

i think so blue and yellow i could do yeah i like yellow or the colors i would like that i would do that uh if i didn't do this i always feel for people because i don't know i have absolutely no skills none well i always thought because i've majored in broadcasting communication arts what a goofy degree a lot of people do well maybe i could be a you know an am or an fmd a radio announcer oh a dj yeah yeah it's in a small like like in santa rosa or fresno this is the day rock i used to do this joke where um it's let's see what was it it's like it's 219 in the city 224 on the dane rock so the dane rock always had a slightly different time why is the dane rock ahead of time i don't know it's two it's it's 1228 in the city 1247 on the dane rock that was the fucking dane rocks it's just so happening or something it was just dana dana has a fm you know called the dane rock yours would have been your it's it's it's spudly time in spudville i'm your host david spader no i think i came up with a rap name here's my rap name pump fake you okay with that i'm thinking are you in a jealous rage because it's so good i am a little jealous um i would be um that's a good one if i would be uh let's see no no no i can't don't worry heather heather will help you kill time by sneezing a thousand more times i have okay you can be you can be push fight i would be no concealed weapons that's your whole name that'd be my name rapper and now a new song from no concealed weapons ncw ncw that's not bad because i won't keep my caps in my cap in my ass i say where could you go and you don't want to be last i say gotta have a blast say it won't last get up in your face and i'll tell you what's gonna happen you're a regular machine gun scarecrow no he's good's good. Good, very snappy tune.
You got a toe tapper. All right, one more story.
One more story. I got a million things to do today.
I don't know if we end with this. This is a fun Christmas story.
Indonesia's old Christmas tradition of kidnapping the naughty kids. Look at this.
I like Christmas music. There's uncles grabbing kids and stuffing them.
Would this not scare you, Dana? But right at the end, he says, okay, you're going to be good. So you're going to be good.
Okay. All right.
It's a fun lesson for all. No, no.
Too harsh? When adults do shit to little people, they forget how traumatizing it is oh yeah so the only thing we make up for that is other bigger guys come in take the big guy put him in a big bag yeah then he promised you like the music though it's fun music during that How about the videos of stupid parents inviting the Grinch over at night on Christmas Eve and the kids go fucking bazooties they cannot it's too terrifying oh yeah no that's a terrifying did they see the movie of Jim Carrey I mean and they do what they do with TikTok and then like here's my kid I got Did you have a Santa? We had a neighbor. Bruce Stewart was his name.
He owned a music store. He came over dressed as Santa.
Oh, he was your local one on the street? Yeah, just next door neighbor coming over to our house. We had five kids, maybe some friends there.
And I'm like two and a half. And I'm thinking to myself, you're not Santa.
That's Bruce Stewart. I know.
My Santa at the mall used to flirt with me every year and every time i'd sit there he'd be like you've been working out and i go um i'm six no i didn't know he was like the moment when you start stop believing in santa claus or did you ever horrible no because i had to go home it's always a kid at school wanting to ruin it for everyone and i can't stand it see the last of your innocence is believing in santa i don't remember believing but i must oh you never did i don't remember but my i might have it too when do you go back to i go back to three maybe first memory three oh first memory is like three or four yeah i think it's more like four you're a little slow mom your mom yeah five you're you were in the slow group for reading well i was in four years in michigan from zero to four and all i remember is two memories one in snow and one my mom out front maybe i was blanking it out zero to four i was wondered how did people reminisce in the year two hey when were we at the lake i don't know it might have been early one i don't remember i think they say a caveman right now is like seven is going to be my year that's the new year is seven and why did they always have native americans is it true they always said i instead of their age ago i've seen many winters i mean can't they just put a notch in a tree i thought it was so patriizing i see like any this many winters there you go i was dating this girl but let's just say she's seen a couple of winters you know what i mean she's getting up there that's how they were rude back then yeah i think they had it better off than us all right dana we really nailed it right at an hour and then we'll have 45 minutes of commercials so it should work out we're gonna make the commercials extra fun so stay tuned i think they're scattered throughout our nonsense yeah

remember to smash that subscribe button smash the fucking shit out of it free entertainment you can always fast forward dane and i are busting our humps over here we're just trying to lighten your day just lighten your day a little bit we may change up our style soon we're gonna see what happens in 2024 yeah i get a little more controversial all right i'll leave you with a flex all right thanks for coming everyone thanks for being on my show david yeah thanks for having me david spade's been my guest okay bye this has been a presentation of Odyssey Superfly.

It's executive produced by Danny Carvey and David Spade,

Jenna Weiss-Berman of Odyssey, Heather Santoro, and Greg Holtzman.

Hope you liked it.