Bill Maher

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Bill Maher, good friend of mine and yours, Dana,

has a great show.

A lot of opinions.

Talks about a lot of interesting things.

And one thing on a side note I didn't tell him

is a lot of times on Twitter, they have just snippets of the show for the night before and so i get to watch little chunks if i do miss it and that's kind of a that's kind of a plus because i get to see a little snip of like here's what he thought about this here's an interview with this so but great time all just bunch of comedians cracking up again as usual i like that. A lot of laughs in this one.
And he talks about his early days a little bit, stuff like that. And we talk about the Golden Globes.
Oh, yeah, we did get into the Golden Globes. Which were just on.
And Bill always has something interesting to say. And he talks about honesty as sort of his superpower.
He's very, you know, he's blunt. But I was on his show in the 90s a bunch of times, politically incorrect.
I haven't been on real time as much, but we've known him a long time. We meaning comedians all know each other from the improv and comedy store.
Go back. He's had basically the same job since 1993.
It's unbelievable. Yeah.
I don't know how much time off, but basically it's, it's a, just a connected thing. It's a straight run of a hit show.
Yeah. Just whatever version of it, but it's all about the same version.
It's, it's bananas. And he's been up for 40 emmys that's how we put 40 emmy nominations is an achievement in itself yeah crazy that's extraordinary and when he talks he was going to be a sitcom actor we talk about that in the 80s and then how we how we evolved as a comic and and then we just goof around and do a lot of stuff i did a few dennis miller impressions which he loves always a hit always a home run i tried to ask a real question toward the end and he made fun of me so remember that he goes who wrote that question i go bill oh yeah that sounds like a producer and then greg was turning bright red i could see in the It wasn't.
I was just wanting to say, God, you say so much shit on your show. What could they, do they ever just say, stay away from that? Because you know, a lot of these talk shows are like, do not talk about this.
Do not talk about that. He's got a pretty, pretty big leash, but there's a couple of times certain things got a little controversial.
You guys can look it up. You can look it up.
Yeah. All right.
Well, let's let them hear it. We had a really good time with Bill Amar.
Bill Amar. Which one is Jason Bateman? You're our third.
This is when Club Random and this one one goes under this is our podcast let's let's get let's get our chemistry together now that would be awesome okay we're on because i don't like to waste any of my charm talking to you guys when we're not actually on we're recording everything's recorded and this okay dude i do phone or interviews bill just this part of it. And then they go, hey, Zoo Crew.
And I go, okay. They go, how you been, David? How you been, David? You got a big show coming up? And I go, yeah.
And they go, first time in Denver. And I go, no, I've been there.
And then they're like, honk, honk. And then they go.
And then after I'm exhausted, they go, okay, we're going to put you on in about two minutes. We're going to patch you in.
I know. Wait, wait, this isn't it? What the fuck's going on? And then you hear them talking about you it's it's very creepy i don't like did you you love doing morning radio during your early days right bill early days yeah very early i haven't done i mean that's uh one thing a while i i have on my list of things wait wait i have, I just did my, probably my last stand-up show.
Impossible. And that's, no, no, no.
That's my special. I know.
Is anyone else seeing this on HBO this Friday? Because we're out Wednesday. Yeah, yeah.
Okay. So, but I, you know, among the things that I will not miss is the interview with Fartman and Asshole Jack.
Right? Fartman, that was Howard Stern. Well, whatever.
Oh, I know. Yeah, yeah.
Tommy and the Bull. There was always a guy and an animal.
Tommy and the Bull. Right.
I mean, David Spade is much more of a warrior than I am. I mean, he will still do that and do any sort of show anywhere.
I mean, he'll do it outside for charity. Parking garages.
He's just amazing. Yeah, because my manager's name is Mark Gerwitz.
Yeah, mine too. He makes us all go.
I think it's a nice little run. Spade likes money.
Dana doesn't like money. Well, it doesn't make me do it, and they're not making me do it anymore.
I mean, I will miss it and I love it, but, uh, you know, there's a, there's a time it's better to leave a party a little early than a little late, I feel. Um, and I, that's, you know, among the things I will not miss it's, it's that those talking to, I mean, some I've done many newspaper interviews, but who the fuck reads a newspaper anymore, uh, with people who are actually quite bright and pleasant to talk to but the morning zoo guys no that that's just outrageous what's the main thing they would ask you that was uh would be annoying or assume something about you the real bill maher um you know that i have a thing for black women or something like that.
That's insane. It's a little personal.
Who doesn't? I love every woman. It's ridiculous to say I have some sort of fetish, but they're not interested in the things I'm interested in, which, politics and what's really going on and something with a little intellectual nutrition to it.

They want to talk about stupid shit like that.

Nutrition.

Yeah.

They go, Bill, when you get on the phone, you're going to hear a robot voice.

That's our sidekick.

You're going to hear a parakeet.

And then you're going to hear Bobo.

He's in for zip zip.

He's an animatronic monkey.

Don't be alarmed.

Oh, yeah.

Oh.

I've done it all.

Oh, yeah.

We were just saying that some of these corporate gigs are kind of fun because you go out there.

They're not super fun, but.

They can be okay.

They can be okay.

I think we all do those.

No, no, no, no, no.

You don't do those anymore? Again, may I reiterate, you're such more of a warrior than I am. You'll do anything.
I'll do only, I would, I, yeah, I get offered these corporate gigs and I've been, I've been there. It's true.
I've been, I've been there enough to know what the problem is here. There's corporations, right? And they have a corporate mentality, which I do not.
Okay, so right away, the premises are not going to please them. I'm a pot-smoking atheist.
I'm just wrong to begin with for this crowd. So if they don't love the premise, they're probably not going to like the joke.
Now, there's some stuff, especially in the last five, ten years, when the left has gone off the deep end, that I do plenty of stuff that will make conservatives laugh because the left deserves it also now. But corporate gigs, I remember when I did a few of them.
Here's the problem. Somebody on the entertainment committee is my fan.
So they're like, let's get Bill Maher here. Everybody will love him.
Well, everybody won't love him in the company. You do.
And you think everybody in the company is so fucking hip. They always, when I say no, oh no, our company is different.
No, it's not. You think your company is different and it's full of a bunch of hip people, but it's not.
It's full of a bunch of insurance salesmen and they're going to fucking make my life miserable. And there's no amount of money that can make that, you know, when you're this age, every day has to be a good day.
And a day when I'm talking to a bunch of corporate people at noon is not a good day. Is this true, Bill? Because I've been doing corporates for a long time, not as many as I used to.
And that's why they pay you so much, because they know it's difficult. But they did say to you, and they didn't say this in a snarky way.
They go, well, Bill was different. We said, Bill, you know, no F-bombs, okay? And then apparently Bill went up there and said, how the fuck is everybody doing tonight? Which then I loved you even more because that's what you all want.
We all want to do. But then, you know.
Yeah, the last one I did, you know, the guy from the corporation is the one who introduces you and does the intro and sometimes tries to be funny. And my opening line was, Jesus Christ, that guy was fucking terrible.
Because he was. And they all laugh because they know it too.
But it's just, see, you can do it, Dana, because you're not doing stuff that's going to offend either side. You know, you can do your genius.
Well, I'll do just impressions. I mean, I don't care.
I'll just be the, you know, I would do a corporate date that's specific to that. And even when you do like your brilliant Joe Biden, which I loved every week.
Oh, Come on, I love it. More people today, make more bills and not going to be able to get my bills back.
Where am I? What's going on? You did good, Joey. Go ahead.
I love when David was on when you were the church lady too. That was great to see you guys together.
We wanted from the beginning, we thought, I thought, and David thought, that it'd be funny if he just played Hunter Biden. We don't know why.
It was just David as Hunter Biden, and then the opportunity came up, and it ended up being not Joe Biden with Hunter Biden, but we got him on there. It was great.
No, I was always curious to why they never had anyone play Hunter Biden. They sort of— Right.
It was just sort of ripe for the pickings. I thought it may be a hot tub talk show where they have guests and girls.
Well, if you want to get into that, and I know this... Well, we can.
We can say anything. We have editing capability in case anybody gets...
Yeah, we'll get rid of anything funny you say. Go ahead.
I've pinched a Hunter Joe. Yeah.
Let's end a career today, shall we?

No, but as far as like you mentioned, like, why didn't they do that? How about why didn't they make fun of Kamala's husband when he got Me Too'd?

Like, it is amazing the way this country is so partisan, including in the media and the entertainment parts of it, that when something happens for your team that's bad, it's like, you know, it's like the angel of death just flying over the house on Passover.

Like, we don't see a thing here.

Because, you know, Doug Emhoff was credibly accused of things that other people have been accused of yeah and that wasn't plastered everywhere it was well it was certainly out there it was yeah no i'm saying and and you know again it was as credible as many other accusations i've heard you know uh but somehow it was just andy samberg as, funny kind of dorky Doug. And it's just wrong.
You know, if you're going to make fun of people, go go both sides. Don't don't play that game.
I don't like that. I was surprised in many ways that, you know, I was ready when I first did Biden out there.
I just thought, you know, because he'd been a hot oven for a long time to what line are you making fun of dementia or whatever. So I was ready for a heckler in the live audience and I was ready to say, get your facts straight, Jack.
I had a I had a comeback just in case. But they went for it because I guess he wasn't running anymore.

But the rules all changed after Biden was no longer the nominee. They became a lot looser with it.
So I caught a lucky wave, I think. Well, also, nobody else really got how to make them funny.
And so they had to go to the bullpen. They had to go to the old school, old guest member.
Had to bring in the old horse. I was like, the guy from the 80s is going to come back.
Secretariat's running? Yeah. But I thought the toys were all there to pick up.
And by the way, and guess what? The fact of the matter is, I thought they were all there.

And the whisper and the yelling, guess what?

I wrote the bill.

Because I know how to write bills.

But no one did them.

So I took them up.

I picked them up.

It was all there.

But that's always the case with comedy, isn't it?

When you hear some guy or woman do a great joke and you go, oh, yeah, that observation

was there for me to make.

Thank you. comedy, isn't it? When you hear some guy or woman do a great joke and you go, oh, yeah, that observation was there for me to make.
Right in front of me. That's why you don't want to watch comedians, right? I mean, you don't watch a lot of stand-up because of that.
Correct. I assume.
Yeah, it's a busman's holiday. And also most of them are not funny enough to make me LOL, like you guys do.
So, you know, if there's no LOL in it for me, you know, I mean, it's sometimes it's relevant or it's, you know, breaking new ground. I don't give a shit about that.
It's like a, you know, a record review when an album comes out and they like, right. It's like, is the good, is the music good? Do I care that this is fucking changing music?

First of all, it's not.

There's so many notes and they're doing it.

I just want to feel good.

Okay. I'm just the young man in the 22nd row.

There's nothing like it.

That's why Sebastian really stood out to me 10 years ago when he came out

Man of Skok and was just fucking funny. Right.
right no there's lots of funny people out there now uh but there's also a lot of like oh this is really you know emotionally satisfying okay well not really specials you see and you go is this a stand-up comedy special and or something. Right.
And you go, okay, this is different. That's what I'm talking about.
And look, there are people watching this now saying, oh, these three old guys. Yeah, these three idiots.
And our day was so much better. They don't get it.
No, we get it. I get what you're doing.
It's just we have a different, we were raised at a different time. Look, I could sugarcoat it, but we're tougher.
And we're not even that fucking tough. We're just tougher than, we're not Marines or anything.
You know, we're baby boomers. They thought we were soft and weak, but compared to the generation that came after us.

And so they like all this, like this stuff that's about emotions and emo

and feeling good and sharing and feeling safe.

To us, it's like, can we just have the jokes?

We're just here to have that feel.

And I don't think that's ever going to change.

I think people really still, when they go out to see a comedy show, they want their stomach to hurt at the end of it. That's what I've always tried to do.
Yeah. Jeff Altman came up a while back, I think it was with Leno.
Just where are those guys? I mean, just big, funny extroverts, just being ridiculous. Bruce Babyman Bomb.

Can I tell you a Jeff Altman story for the millions of people?

Well, first explain who

Jeff Altman was. Pink Lady

and Jeff.

You do that. Okay.
He was a comedian

in the 80s, 90s on Letterman a lot

and he was just a big, funny,

silly, always

made me laugh guy. And Fred Silvermanman who at the time was the biggest mocker in tv i guess was nbc he gave him a show when he was kind of an unknown comic yes pink lady and jeff and it was jeff with two young japanese women who I'm not sure spoke English,

maybe was the joke.

I don't know.

You know,

what you could do back then with people of different ethnicity than you who

didn't speak English was unlimited.

So I,

but it would lasted like two shows and that was bad for him.

And it wasn't really his fault.

You know,

he was offered a primetime show on a major network at the time when there's

only three or four networks.

Yeah, it's a big deal. Yeah, it was a big deal.
But OK, so here's the story. I was out with him one night.
I mean, this is probably the 90s when I was out a lot. We were young and I don't know, we were coming from the Playboy Mansion or something.
I don't know. We weren't doing that.
But we were on, we were walking with two girls. I don't remember if they were girlfriends or people we just met or I don't know, homeless.
But we were walking on Sunset Boulevard. I think it was Sunset.
Yes. We're walking like a long way, like a long way to get to another bar, probably.
I'm sure that's what it was. So at one point, for no reason, Jeff just breaks out running like as fast as he can ahead of us.
And that alone was funny. And like four blocks later, we're walking along and I look to the, and there's a little doorstep going down toward a door.
And there he is pretending to be passed out in the door hell. You know, just the commitment to that, to run ahead and wait, passed out on the pavement, just so that when I came upon him, it would get a that was Jeff Altman to me I'm sure he's still around if he's listening right now Jeff when I started the improv the chalkboard up there was like Bill maybe some Jeff Altman maybe some Belzer Leno at the club at the improv club on Melrose when I first started.
All these guys were great. Everybody was funny.
And I was trying to worm my way in. Bill, I had a question for you.
Serious question. Did you get one of those Medal of Freedoms the other day they were passing out? Yeah, I did.
And I put it with the others. I mean, I have a draw full, but I could always use more.

Yeah.

No, I'm not what they call award bait.

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What'd you think of the Golden Globes? The Golden Globes. I think it's an ongoing thing of like how many people have seen the movies.
Oh, exactly. That's a problem.
I thought it was a tutorial in why Trump won the election. No, really.
Why is that so funny? It is, because it's true. I want to hear to hear because no one was really too political there was a couple like in these troubled times but nothing super overt no but it's just it's first of all the fact that they have a special award for i don't know what they call it blockbuster or it's like office or something movies people like which actually actually used to be what an award show was movies people like and saw but danny you're right i mean so many i watched it as an instructive because i just was familiarized with so many movies and tv shows that i had never heard of or barely heard of some i want to see i want to see the j the Jesse Eisenberg one because I love him and I think he does great stuff and that looks fun.
And there's a few others, but yeah. And it's just like this other world that the, you know, that what the right would call the leftist elitists, and they're not completely wrong about that, that they live in this world and everybody else lives in this other world.

And, you know, I know during the election, the Democrats were like, if we can just get Taylor Swift to endorse Joe, this will put him over the top. You know, they got every big star.

And I think it actually hurt because people don't look at these celebrities like oh they're just like us they're not just like you they have no idea what life is like real life and it a show like this it comes across that way and it just makes people go oh fuck these people and and their insular world um You know, I also want, yeah. I would just say thinking about movie actors and where else do we praise people with that kind of hyperbole? His performance is nothing short of a miracle.
Right. Really? And everyone who like uh puts on a fake nose is brave you know like it's a it was a brave before a brave performance is the battle of fallucia okay that was great just just uglying yourself up beach was brave you know just uglying yourself up for a movie that's not brave it brave.
It would be brave if you're going to permanently stay ugly, but you're not, you know, disfigure yourself. But I thought our girl Nikki did great.
Yeah, she did great. This is not an easy room.
And she does great jokes. I think I would like to see her do it again because uh she aired correctly on the side of this isn't a roast exactly okay these people slight caution yeah these are all a bunch of divas in this room uh you know don't make the mistake that Joe Coy, I think, did before and you know like don't ever like blame them they're perfect oh no no you never turn you know they're the a-listers i would like to see her do it like again and again because i read her uh interview about it and she said she wanted to be like tina fey and amy po who did great with it.
But I want to see her be Ricky Gervais. But she does not have the stature yet.
And she's correct in assessing that. I told her that.
You don't have the stature yet. She knows this.
You have to have stature. I mean, Ricky, when he did it, he was one of them.
First of all, he had fuck you money. He was a big producer.

He had done lots of, you know, the office alone made him very rich.

Highly respected.

Highly respected.

And just the attitude of, I don't give a fuck if you ask me back on this show or not.

I'm going to take the piss out of you people.

And I'm going to be drunk when I do it.

That's what I want to see on the Golden Globes. Now, she not ready to do that yet.
And she made the right decision not to, but I'd love to see her do it someday. I never get tired of that.
Cause I'll click on Ricky Gervais. So I get the YouTube shorts and his speech.
And I don't know if it was his last one. He's got the beer, you know, nothing, you are nothing.
Right. Just come up, get your little award thank your fucking god or something like that i mean it was so not television uh yeah i think it was his last one and i'm interested in celebrity net worth only because of how it would affect the mind of the performer and if you have a hundred million net you live in a little village in England, you're like, you know, I'm, I'm still dancing for my donuts.
You know, I don't, uh,

I'd like to feel that one day. I like last night when the brutalist guy goes, uh, brutalist,

the guy goes, uh, brutalist. He goes, they always, he says, give directors the final cut,

which fair enough. And then he goes, by the way, it's three and a half hours.
So he's like, they all said it wouldn't be a hit. I'm like, it's literally made $1 million worldwide.
And the people are scratching their heads going, I mean, it's a hit. I mean, you won this.
So this is the illusion. It's the biggest hit in the world.
I only got through the first two thirds of it. What won? The Brutalist? Then it really picks up.ists i think brutalists people tell me that when wait dana when i watch this when i watch a show on netflix and they go the first seven episodes are shit right i go what are you still doing there right the fuck out like go ahead dana i like land man the thing that blew me away you know was adrian brody right great actor he's done he's very serious guy terrific super likable like an open wound brilliant actor and then with no judgment his wife was with harvey weinstein and then went to adrian brody that's a pretty big leap that's a different kind of husband

okay can I was with Harvey Weinstein and then went to Adrian Brody. Wow.
What? That's a pretty big leap. That's a different kind of.
Well, okay. Can I defend that? No, I just explain.
No, no. I mean, I talked to Adrian and his girlfriend.
I don't know if they're married. Georgina.
Is it? Yes. I'm sure she's lovely.
I would just go. She's a really nice guy now.
Right. It was tough now.
Harvey was tough. I don't think she knew Harvey was doing what he was doing when she was with him.
And as soon as she found out, she was in a cab. So I talked to them at the Oscar party, the Vanity Fair Oscar party, I think two years ago.
They couldn't have been nicer. And it seemed like a genuinely good relationship.
So, I mean, I don't, I don't know if there's anything there, there, because again, that explains it. That explains it.
I don't think she, nobody, nobody was talking about Harvey Weinstein until it broke. You know, I mean, I, did you know, I didn't know.
I mean, he was always nice to me as John Lovovett used to say about O.J. He was always nice to me.
I wasn't thinking so much of the... That is what he used to say, by the way.
He was always nice to me. He never slit my throat, okay? Never killed me.
Just as a type. I wasn't thinking so much about the sexual escapades.
It's just a type. Because we knew Harvey was an aggressive kind of bulldog and Adrian's a sensitive soul from afar.
So that's just an interesting dichotomy. But neither one of them is traditionally handsome because women are deeper than we are, so they go for something.
Thank God. didn't Aristotle Onassis, that was his first line to a woman, was, I'm an ugly man.
Okay? Right. That was his first line, but.
Yeah, but. Second line was, I'm a rich one.
This is the USS Aristotle. Yeah.
He wasn't that bad. I mean, you know, Jackie.
Yeah, he had. Well, well first of all we only got to know him when he was old you know i never knew about him until he married jackie oh right i mean that's what that sort of put him on the put him on the map you know i mean and i think what he offered her was something she was uh looking for an island you know i'd like yes to hide from the paparazzi and so forth totally women are more evolved than we are well you're also yeah bill i could not agree more were there some of these movies and tv shows.
I saw that Challengers was,

which I saw.

Me too.

Liked it.

I don't know if it was a comedy or musical,

but.

I don't understand it either,

but I liked it.

It was,

I liked it.

And I think they go,

it'd be great to have Zendaya here.

I think that's the true with a lot of people that were there.

A lot of it.

Yeah.

No,

listen,

Zendaya is great.

She was great.

Oh,

she's great.

Everything,

but she should be there. Now, could they just make a category for challengers like they did with the box office one? Well, why is the bear up against Only Murders in the Building? I mean, why is Martin Short up against Jeremy Allen White? But go back.
What won? I don't know what won. Okay, good question.

He usually wins, Jeremy Allen.

No, what won the best movie?

Oh, the best movie?

Okay, what?

You don't know either.

What won anything?

The Brutalist.

Didn't The Brutalist win the best drama movie?

What is The Brutalist about?

It's got... Jesus Christ, I feel like I'm in seventh grade all of a sudden.

here.

Suddenly the

Thank you. out it's got jesus christ i think it has seventh grade all of a sudden here suddenly the pop quiz from the let me see i want to look it up can we get our google guy to do it that's me oh good dennis miller's here billy marr yeah billy marr you know the perennial teenager thing working out for you you know.
Got the man cave with the pool table. How's that circa Troy Donahue motif, you know.
The youth. Oh, you're going to.
That never ends. No, I love Dennis.
He is one of the fucking funniest humans. Well, you certainly are when you parody him.
Oh, I love doing him, and he improves my vocabulary.

Okay, got a little tissue in the back there

in case he gets a little watery-eyed

over that medication he needs

every other day at this point.

That's you and your funny impressions.

All right, I'm gonna read you some winners, guys.

Oh, great.

Okay.

Drama, wait, Musical or comedy motion picture. They're sort of covering their bases here.
That must have been Wicked. Oh, no.
Is Amelia Perez at Pete fucking Wicked? Oh, yeah. Perez won everything.
Wicked got the best big, you know. Well, it's always a contest.
Commercial film. It's always a contest to be, which can be the most virtue signaling and politically correct, which is again, why Trump won, because people just want entertainment.
So like, even though Wicked, I didn't see Wicked, but I know someone who's in her twenties and went to see it with someone who's like, I think her sister or something, who's like a teenager. And the teenager didn't even like it and thought it was too preachy.
Wicked? Yeah, wicked. Is this our Barbie this year? What is it? Well, I haven't seen it, but that was the report from an 18-year-old girl.
Too preachy. And it just...
Okay. So I don't know maybe it's not maybe what is uh amelia prez about uh good question that was my next question about a woman named amelia prez and that's the limit of my name it's their amelia erhart yeah spanish okay i also was was different man the one you're talking about with jesse eisenberg, I, oh, okay.
If that's Jesse's movie, then I want to see that. But I've not really been familiarized with it, and I don't know what that's about.
Yeah, you're really nailing these. Culkin got the sidekick.
One of the Culkin brothers won. Yes, he did.
One of the, listen to you, Grandpa. Karen Culkin.
Guess what? Guess who knew the Culkin brothers back in 1990? Yeah, Karen was my, he was like my shadow when his brother was hosting. Is that right? Yeah, because I saw some activity with his father, and I knew what was going on, and I had the same kind of.
You're like Michael Jackson. Family situation.
Kind of cornered the other one. Wait, wait, I'm interested.
What'm interested what was going on i just saw you know my friend and i have this phrase a turn of phrase of an insecure man a hurting cowboy so i saw that his dad was a hurting cowboy he suddenly was yeah was the dad his name and i could tell that was a rough that was a rough dad to have you know and uh what what is the cowboy meaning a hurting cowboy and insecure an insecure man i've always told anyone there's nothing more dangerous than a man with alcohol in him who's insecure after midnight right i would agree yeah back to the fun stuff guys um let's's go on. Let's go back.
All right. Wait a minute.
That's a show stopper. Bill will be happy.
No, Wicked did come through. They had to make one up.
That's cinematic box office achievement. Obviously, you just look in the paper.
What made the most money? Okay. Right.
That's all that is. Yeah.
Zoe Saldana won, Supporting Actress, and Amelia Perez. I saw that.
And, you know, I'm sure she's a lovely person. But, like, again, the level to which these people are seduced by winning a little trophy is something.
I mean, just the. The speeches.
Well, just the overflowing emotion. Oh, my God, you like me and you you gave me this trophy and they're just overcome.
It's just, it's very hard to watch. I want to see, I couldn't watch a show like this in real time.
I taped it and then watched it in the bathtub with the clicker. I mean, with the remote being able to zip through the things that I just can't take.
And the things I just can't take are the speeches and also the speeches and also the little patter that they give the presenters before they... So I just, I can't do it.
So I had to go through those and then I got to, oh, and this is what the nominees are. And it educated me on all these shows that I will never see.
Even the closed captioning is tough to get through sometimes because I read what they're saying and I'm like, oof. What is the brutalist about? It's about, I told you, there's something about the Holocaust.
An immigrant, right? Something about immigrating to America and the difficulties of that experience. Just immigration is a big year.
I mean, that's a good one. Again, another reason why Trump won, because these people think unlimited open borders is what we should be championing.
And Americans kind of don't agree with that, including people of color who voted more for Trump than they ever did for a Republican. But OK.
Majority of Latino men, but for whatever reason, you know, well, for whatever majority, I mean, no, but over 50% Democrats are gotta be. Yeah.
And they keep digging their hole bigger because they don't get it that they keep talking about, you know, oppression and there is oppression, of course, but most of these people were saying, you know, what's oppressive to me? The price of eggs. Okay.
That's what's oppressing me. Deal with that.

Yeah. The ones right in front of me, the eggs are expensive.

There's also a saying that inflation's under control.

Remember when gas prices started going up and he's saying the stuff that's talked about in

the back room, this could be a good thing he's in transition to a way for fossil fuels bill i swear you could have jumped into that medal of freedom ceremony and he wouldn't have noticed it's throwing around your neck he was out of it this guy did some shit there you go okay next is it is it true you have 40 nominations but win? Correct. And I think that really says more about them than me.
But let's move on. I blame Gervitz.
Well, yeah, it's impossible to win now. You're the wrong player.
Demi Moore, one for The Substance, actress in a musical or comedy. Was that a musical or comedy? Okay, I saw that one.
Okay, go. Now we.
Really hard to watch because have you seen it? No. Someone warned me off it.
They said you wouldn't be able to handle it. I couldn't handle it.
I literally was watching it through my fingers because it becomes it's so over the top with what they do to her. It's about, it's a good idea and And there are parts of it I liked, but it was just too hard to watch.
She is a woman who, of a certain age, who wants to recapture youth. And then there's some thing that somebody invented that she can inject herself with.
Magical potion. Right.
And like she leaves her old self lying in the closet for a week and the new version of her goes out. And then she gets hooked on it and wants to, you have to do it in a certain way.
She fucks it up. So then she becomes this grotesque figure.
Oh. And they just take it to a degree.
That's just, for me, it was too much.

But I get the idea.

I get the idea, yeah.

Yeah, and of course, you know, it was making a comment about how we judge older people by their looks.

And that's not right.

Applause, applause.

You know, applause, applause.

I get it.

It's not right, but we do it. And to me, that's all ass backwards.

Because if you were really mature, what you would understand is that life is a series of trade-offs. When you're young, you're stupid and beautiful, and then you get older and you get smarter and worse looking.
And mature people throughout the ages and all cultures have just accepted that. Not us.
Not us. Not Hollywood.
We have to be sexy until you're a million years old and anyone says different is bad. They're not just wrong.
They're bad. Yeah.
They're bad. They're bad people.
That's the difference. Well, to me, first of all, could not look any better.
I mean, for being in this movie about looking good, she looks great. Who? To me, more.
Yeah, but she doesn't look like she's 25. No.
Which is the point of the movie. She actually, a different actor plays her, right? Yes, of course.
Yeah, that's the point. Yeah, it's Margaret Qualley, who is 25.
I did kind of like her speech because she has been, you know, the idea that I thought I was kind of done, really done, you know, and so that was unexpected. No, I loved her speech.
That's one speech I watched, and it was great. First of all, it was in control.
It was planned. She had a little thing to say.
It was succinct, and she said, I love the part. She said, some producer told me a long, long time ago, you're a popcorn actress.
You'll do well in movies that make money, but no, you're not going to win awards. And so I thought that was terrific.
You know, what's funny is, first of all, I think she's great. Second of all, I just want someone in a speech to go, you know what someone told me once? You're going to be great.
They never mentioned that. It's always the one guy that told him he'll never make it.
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David, I don't know if you know this about me, but I've always been a fan of exploring new places. Not like you kind of, you know, no, no offense.
And one of my best trips, listen up, is when I stayed at an Airbnb. Felt like I was living like a local with all the space, comfort of home.
You know, hotels can be a hassle room service. And then the housekeeper, it's a hassle.
So then you go airbnb and you can get whatever you want a little cottage this and that it's fantastic you have your own separate space so it's a great product for people who travel david yes i have friends doing one of these right now if you have a home you can airbnb it it's fantastic i mean um to to monetize your home when you're not there seems like a good idea i mean look i'm on the road a lot i could probably do it it's it's something that people can do when they travel they have extra space or you're at a place not full-time you come in the winter you leave in the summer so that's you should think about. It's a way to get some extra money, and it's a cool experience.
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Find out how much at airbnb.com slash host. Did you have that, Bill? I mean, did you have a struggle where they didn't know what to do with you? Because you were in a half-hour sitcom first, right? Before becoming doing real time.
Were you one of the pink ladies? I did four sitcoms. Four that made it to air? Yeah, I think so.
I did Sarah with Gina Davis. I did Hard Knocks, one of the first sitcoms on Showtime.
I was two mismatched detectives, if you can believe a thing like that. I'm in.
Were you in the show call? I think it's, I've had just about enough of you. Was that you? No, I never had enough.
I just made that up, but go ahead. Titles are funny.
Bill Maher is Hard Knocks. All right.
I was in Bringing Up Chunky. I was the neighbor.
And then I did one with Sam Kinison. I can't remember the name of that.
Wow. What year? I don't know.
Right before he died because he was a heroin addict who kept everybody waiting for hours while he sobered up. wanted i want to see the script where in parentheses after sam it says in parentheses screams this next line yeah every line is in all caps yeah so was that your dream you weren't thinking about hosting the tonight show or anything you were thinking did you ever host the tonight show no.
I've been on it, you know, like, I don't know, 40 times or something. But no, I always wanted to do pretty much what I'm doing.
But when I started, like I think a lot of us, the template was, well, you get on the Tonight Show. You do your little six minutes.
Little monkey goes out there and makes people laugh. Monkey, monkey, monkey.
Good, clean material. Good, clean, fun.
Right. And then you get a sitcom like Robin Williams did and Roseanne.
Tim Allen. Freddie Prinze.
Billy Crystal. Yeah.
Well, you know, that was a little before my time. A movie, which is even bigger.
The idea is that you're going to get a sitcom based on you being a comedian, sometimes based on who we actually are as a comedian. And that's what happened to me.
I did my four or five Tonight Shows. I got on a big show, a sitcom on NBC that was on after Family Ties.
It was a big thing with a big producer, Gary David Goldberg. Know him well.
Yeah. So that put me on that path.
And then I did, you know, okay, so I'm that funny guy, I can do DC Cab, and I can do, you know, these, you know, funny little movies. And so that was really how I spent the 80s.
And it was, you know, but it's okay, because I would not have had the

gravitas in my 20s to do a show about politics. Who's going to listen to somebody that age? You shouldn't.
So it was, it came out just pretty much the way it should have. And the technology.
So cable TV was starting and going, and then that expanded. There weren't places to do a talk show besides the major networks in the 80s, right?

Yeah, I mean... starting and going and then that's then that expanded there weren't places to do a talk show besides the major networks in the 80s right so yeah i mean when i went on with politically incorrect in 1993 um comedy central yeah comedy central and that was the right place yeah for a show like that that was you know had nothing to lose and you could put a guy on.
A little controversy. Yeah.
If they like. Super cheap to make.
Just get some chairs. Me, very cheap at the time.
Were you cheap at that time? Very cheap. When did you first get rich? You don't have to tell a number.
When did you first get a big, big paycheck, and it kind of went, holy shit. Well, I thought when I did that first sitcom, I remember my salary was $7,500 a week.
Previously had been my yearly earnings as a comedian, a little more than that yearly, but maybe not really when I lived in New York. So that was like 1984.
That was my second year out here. And to jump up to that was huge.
I immediately went to a store called Maxwell's, which was like this- What a loser. Do you know this store? No, but it just sounds funny.
The guy gets money, goes right to Maxwell's. It was this clothing store.
I think it was on Melrose or Robertson. And it was like where rock stars went and all the clothes were unique and hysterically awful if you saw them today.
But, you know, I could, I could buy a sport coat for $1,500 or something. That was ridiculous.
But, you know, I never was before. Yeah.
Wow. That was the salary I got for one of the boys with Mickey Rooney and Nathan Lane in 1981 in New York.
My first sitcom. Yeah.
Mickey Rooney. Mickey Rooney.
Boy, that takes you back to work with a guy who was able to portray an Asian person in a movie and no one objected. And he probably got an award for it.
With Buck T, it was such a- Chewing on a log or something, eating crickets. A protest stereotype.
I can't even do it. Jerry Lewis did it too.
By the way, in a crazy story that ties in Bill and Dana Bill and Dana, we have the same management and he says, one time I go up for a sitcom and they want me so bad. They say, uh, we're going to, um, audition you to the network and then seven people for the other guy.
I was like, fuck. Yeah.
So I of course make my my deal for like $25,000 for a pilot. So I'm basically spending the money.
So I go there and the first read, they go, great. The second read, they go, maybe a little more energy on this one.
Third read, they go, new guy with me. And they go, maybe a little less energy on this.
Now I see them sweating. Then they go, maybe we'll just for laughs, switch parts to mix things up.
Just you read his. And I, by the way, I see nothing wrong.
I'm like, cool. I'm adaptable.
I don't realize there's places on fire. And so I finish.
I go to see Mark Garavits, our manager. And I walk and he goes, all the people that just made $30,000 as a pilot take one step forward.
Not so fast, Spade. Really? That's how he told me.
I go, what are you talking about? He goes, how did you ruin that? You were the only one up for your part. I go, what? I can tell you exactly how, because I remember those days and not fondly.
But here's the deal. You go into read first, and we're comics.
So we already have an advantage because before you get to read, you usually have a little chit-chat with the writer-producers. By the way, I was so green when I started that I didn't realize that the producers were the writers.
And one time I said to the producers, who wrote this shit? Not realizing it was them. But okay, so we go in and being comics, we can get them laughing before we even start reading the shit.
So like we warm up the crowd and then it's like, oh, we're laughing. This guy's funny.
Now we're going to read it. You read it the first time and you're funnier than the fucking actors if it's a silly sitcom.
So kill so they bring you back but now they've heard you do it once so you do it again and they're still laughing but you know it's kind of getting old and by the by the eighth time they brought you back it just looks stale because they've heard you do it so much and then they bring in somebody who's not as good, but it's fresh. The reading is fresh and they look better.

And that's how you- They've heard about your story that happened on the 405 on the way there six times. So it's like, that's not funny anymore.
Now it's just- Bill, did you ever walk into an audition room and see sort of versions of yourself? Because case in one, I walk in and see weak chin, baby-, androgynous young men. Here's Bill's story.
Go ahead. Here's my story about that.
Exactly what you're talking about. I walked into one and Charles Fleischer.
We know Charles Fleischer, right? Okay. How would you describe Charles Fleisch? Oh my goodness.
Eccentric? Eccentric? Funny?

Quirky? We know Charles Fleischer, right? Yeah. Okay, how would you describe Charles Fleischer? Impossible.
Oh, my goodness. Eccentric? Eccentric.
Eccentric. Funny.
He was Roger Rabbit. Roger Rabbit.
Yeah. Roger Rabbit.
Was he the first one to do where he put the stool upside down? I think maybe Rob did it later. Oh, seating for four.
Seating for four game in. He put the stool upside down.
Turned the stool upside down.

Table for four.

Table for four came in.

I thought that was Charlie Fleischer.

But he had a kind of a mad scientist look about it.

Yeah, mad scientist.

No one is smart.

Okay, so I walk in and we have a little conversation.

He goes, okay, pricks over here and nuts over here.

It's like I was always like the sarcastic, the prick part. And I was sitting with the pricks and he was over there with the guy who's the nut.
Like that's what his sitcom had. It had a prick and it had a nut.
When I did Sarah, I remember the ad came out in TV Guide and it had the four of us, Gina Davis, Academy Award nominee, Alfre Woodard, great, Brunson Pinchot, and me, and a little description of who we were. And under mine, it said, The Office Creep.
So that's a good spinoff. That's what I was playing.
I was Marty, The Office Creep. Well, they're always, they have to have a frame or someone to come in and be funny.
That's usually the one you try to get, but Office Creep.

Yeah, that's the fly show part.

The nut.

He's the nut.

I did a pilot with Kramer.

Oh, you did?

Yeah.

What's his real name?

Michael.

From Seinfeld.

Michael.

Yeah.

And?

Called City Slickers.

I was the cop in the little town and I was the straight man and he was the wacky new york he oh he was a wacky and you weren't uh no i was i was always cast as a straight man uh every pilot i was on two tv shows one with james ferrentino i was straight man always a straight man always until snl can i ask something of you guys about aging here? Because I'm just picturing people watching this, listening to this, who are the age we were when we were listening to, I don't know, Shecky Green and George Burns. Don Rickles.
Yes. And just, first of all, we wanted to be comics, so we love those guys.
But the idea that we're the old guys, it's just mind-blowing. Because in our minds, we're not.
In our minds, we're the same guys. But I know people, how can these guys have stories about the 80s if they're not fucking 80s? I remember hearing that Norm Crosby, who was maybe 56 at the time,

was bugging his manager, Bernie Bernstein, really wanted a sitcom. And I was thinking, at that age, what does he expect? At 56? Get the fuck out of here.
I mean, anybody in our age group, when I went back to SNL, I'm riffing and talking to marcello he's 27 and we're just like peers working on stuff and i'm i'm grandpa age you don't feel like technically i'm i'm i'm old enough to be the marcello's like who's james farantino you're like oh uh he's a guy but i you know i would love to have had a podcast if carson afterwards he quit the show had a podcast where he was real and talking about stuff might have been really fun didn't exist and you know at his height i think he was getting 17 million a night for a show that went on at 11 30 um i mean a c a year 17 million a night. Yeah.
Yeah, 17 million viewers, I think. Oh, 17 million viewers.
Yeah, at least. Yeah.
Not money. Yeah, viewers.
Which is like, I mean, primetime shows don't often get a tenth of that. No.
But what if there were 4 million other talk shows on? know. Yeah.
You know, that's the difference between podcasting and broadcast television from that era. If there were four million people instead of just Alan Thicke trying to dethrone Johnny.
But you might you might find this interesting that the baby boomers for the first time, you know, when we grew up, it was 18 to 49 for the advertisers. That's where the money is.
And the boomers have 78 trillion for the first time because the homes we bought escalated and everything. So we, the money is being tilted toward us, the bachelor at, and you know, the golden bachelor, stuff like that.
So it's kind of interesting that we're the rich demographic, unfortunately for the young people. But a lot of that money is being transferred to the younger generations.
During the next 20 years. So by the time they get 57, he can buy a home.
Well, okay. But a lot of that money is just being passed down, especially when they're in their 20s and 30s.
So I know we're squares and everything's bad and we ruined the world. But, you know, they're not saying no to the money, I noticed.
Oh, no. I've noticed.
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Did he yell steaks, too?

I don't know.

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That's 50% off at omahasteaks.com and an extra $30 off with promo code FLY at checkout. What, in your poorest days, just describe your apartment.
How much was it? Did you have rabbit ears for a TV? Was that you to live alone? Oh, I was really poor from college, really freshman year of college until I moved out here. I would say I really experienced what poverty was.
Now, not to sound like Shaggy Green or Alan King or guys in the old days, but I'm going to sound like it when I say, but we didn't know we were poor, you know, because we had love. That's a good character.
You should do that. I like that guy.
Well, okay. But like when I look back at college, oh, I lived in slums.
My first year I lived in dorm four, which was temporary housing built in 1945, which was still up in the 70s. My room was the size of a closet, which I shared with somebody.
The bathroom was at the end of the hall. And boy, did that stink onay night um uh then i then there was ithaca new york this is where i was at cornell i mean you moved into you moved into a frat which i didn't want to do uh not also of course was not even close to being invited but okay let's just say let's just say i didn't want to do it uh so you moved into college town, which were slums.
I mean, it was like Appalachia up there. And these slums, these townies slums.
Yes, shout out to Appalachia. These slum lords.
And they had this automatic supply of tenants because every year new college kids need a place to live. So they didn't have to make the places acceptable.
They were horrible. And then I moved to New York.
Oh my God. First, I lived in Spanish Harlem.
I walked home every night at two in the morning from the clubs into a pretty rough neighborhood. Never was bothered.
They looked at me and went, this guy has nothing. He's just got the T-shirt on his back.
And there's no reason to try to rob him. And it was a five-floor walk-up.
The bathroom, it did have a bathroom, but it was just what they called a water closet. It was just a hole with a chain where you could take a dump.
No shower. You sat in a tub in the kitchen with one of those attachments.
Okay. This is getting good.
This is getting up there. Then I had my first apartment on 8th Avenue over a bus stop.
It was at least my own. It was a, you know, a studio, which means, you know, one little room.

But, you know, a studio, which means, you know, one little room. But, you know, that was, and I used to live on the blimpies that was across the street.
It was $1.90 for a three cheese sub. That's what, so like, I love that I had that experience.
I don't remember loving it at the time, but it's good for you, you know? And I never, I always had too much pride to ever ask. I guess I could have asked my parents for a little help.
They weren't doing too well at the time either, but you know, it was just, it was, it just never entered my mind to like reach out because it was like, no, let's just, letug it out yeah and then how many years after your first set did you make a living as a stand-up how long did it take you well okay so my my rent at the uh shitbox on 8th avenue it started out at 250 250 in 1980 or 79 79 or something and then it was automatically rose nine percent a year so say i was paying like 300 um yeah i could make rent and probably food was like another hundred dollars a month so say my whole nut was 500 okay by 1980 I was emceeing at Catch a Rising Star. So you got $50 a night for that.
And if I did maybe one or two out of town gigs, I really wasn't ready for that, but I took some and it was terrible experiences when I bombed, but okay, that's part of it. So I could probably live.
And I also sold pot. That was really how I lived.
So between the pot and the emceeing, yeah, I could make my nut by 1980. Nice.
I have a question about it. Inspirational for children, isn't it? Bill, on your show now on HBO.
What's that called again? Real time. And it comes back January 17th.
My special comes is on January 10th. Friday, January 10th.
I have a real time question too. Do you, I know there was an ABC.
You left there. Eventually you go to, I think it's straight to HBO.
You've been there ever since. And is there any, there must be some things you get into that, the ruffle feathers, or is there just kind of autonomy? You do what you want.
Who writes these questions for you? Because seriously, that sounds like some producer wrote that question. No, it's AI.
I just asked AI. And certainly you don't have a producer on the show.
mean we barely have me and dana we buy the mics and the lights we do everything this is the most dog shit low-end lo-fi yeah no trust me we know but um but that's what works that's what works about it's no club random that's a sweet thing you've got those embedded cameras answer, yeah. He's like, Club Random's like The Bachelor.
They have cameras on the way in. We introduce.
Hey, you and I are the last two Bachelors. And by the way, speaking of that, I think a great show would be one of us, mostly probably me, doing the golden bachelor, but like our real lives,

not with an age-appropriate woman, because that's boring, with an age-inappropriate woman,

because you know what the appropriate age for a relationship is? One that works.

Look at Bill Belichick, 73 and 22, and they seem happy. Or Cher.
Or Madonna. Exactly.
Madonna, they go for the 20s as well. It seems to me, and I want you to comment on this, when women get power, they seem to go younger like men who get power go younger.
Yeah, absolutely. That happens.
Kate Beckinsale went out with Pete Davidson and I think a few other younger guys. And yeah, I mean, and when they do it, when they do it, it's empowering.
When men do it, we're perverts. Good for her.
Yeah. I never felt that.
I remember you said, everyone wanted you to get married. I go, no one wants you to get married.
People do. But there are people who do, but I would think it's absurd.
And I also think that since women are wired differently, it's not like they're with someone wealthy and famous. They're literally really attracted to the personality that does stuff.
I mean, it takes a lot of something to get where you're at. That's, that's attractive to a woman.
Yes. Well, as we were saying before, women are deeper.
And we're going to keep telling ourselves that no, it's, but don't you, but don't you think that would be a great show the the golden bachelor but you know with with women that david and i uh are attracted to and that doesn't make us bad people i keep right david do it well yeah i don't think it should be me or you but we should get a guy No, it has to be a comedian

It has to be

You guys should have a comedian

It's funny anyway but yes and you know what the title of it is and this is from mickey rooney about because i asked him how did you have sex with all those starlets you know he's five feet tall in 1940s he said quote money makes you handsomer right what was the line he he had when he brought, I think it was Jane Mansfield up on the stage at an award show when he was right at tit level.

And he had some great line.

Give me them milkers.

Something like, it's not bad being short.

I forget what it was, but it was a great moment.

I think we'd be more normal. If I i was married and divorced i would be more normal more usual yes they never married you know where did the phrase come up confirmed bachelor when is when are you guys yes in the in the old days no seriously i think it all myself.
Code for gay, right? Yes, that was a euphemism for gay, just the way in Hollywood, a woman's director was a code for a gay director. Oh, I didn't know that.
I think George Cukor, for example, but if I'm wrong about that, please don't. Sorry, George.
He may have been the most he-manniest of the guys. I think that's who I'm talking about.
But there was ones who were gay directors, and he was a woman's director. They were very genteel in those days.
They didn't say things outright. I've been described as a female comic, whatever that means.

That means,

I won't say.

Okay.

So Bill,

thanks for coming.

We can wrap him up.

He's a good guy. Yeah, yeah.

He's got a life to lead.

We're going to give you your evaluation after.

I'm going to,

you really kind of barked at me toward the end,

but overall,

I think we had a good run here.

I enjoyed it because,

and you do this as well,

along with everything else you do,

the best podcaster when you're never checking the clock.

And I didn't check the clock on this one.

I just.

Oh, I could talk to you guys all day.

And you're so funny.

And I know that sounds like I'm just kissing up.

I don't think you're the kind of guy who kisses up.

Whatever you say, I believe you think. I was just going to say, I think I have the credibility at this point, having lost 40 Emmys, that my billboard, I think they're putting up, they're doing a replay of one I had from 10 years ago.
They were going over like, you've been on a long time, they got to come up with new catch phrases. And theyases.
And they came to the end of it, and they were like, oh, I could tell they were kind of afraid to try this one. I was like, just say it.
We don't have anything. And it was, he's not in it for the likes.
And I was like, that, I love that so fucking much. And so I think the one this year says, he's still not in it for the likes, which I love.
I'm not. I love being honest.
That's my reward. So when I say you guys are the killing is funniest, you can take that to the bank, as Robert Blake used to say.
Appreciate it. Whatever happened to him? He just went in to get his gun.
It was in the restaurant, and he came back out. He likes Italian food.
That's all I know. He forgot it, and then he went and got, and someone...
You both owe me a new Club Random episode. Oh, my God.
Is this how it works? Oh, my God. That's how it works.
I want to go on there again. That was really interesting.
Yes. That was cool.
I liked it. I'm going to get blasted this time.
Me, too. Thanks, Bill.
I'll miss you. Thanks.
You, too. All right.
I'll talk to you soon. Take care, buddy.
Bye. This has been a presentation of Odyssey.

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Fly on the Wall is executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade, Jenna Weiss-Berman of Odyssey, and Heather Santoro.

The show's lead producer is Greg Holtzman.