Bill Maher

Speaker 1 All right, cold mornings, holiday plans, endless to-do lists. I just want my wardrobe to be simple, Dana.
I just want pieces that look sharp, feel amazing. Makes sense, and I'll use every day.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? That's Quince. That's it.
The best part.

Speaker 1 Their pieces

Speaker 1 make effortless gifts.

Speaker 2 Also,

Speaker 1 this season, Quince nails it. $50 Mongolian cashmere sweaters that feel like a treat every day.

Speaker 1 Wool coats that are both stylish and built to last. Their denim fits perfectly.
It's nutty comfortable, all without the high-end price tag.

Speaker 1 By working directly with ethical factories and top artisans, Quince delivers premium quality while cutting out the middlemen. So you get luxury without the luxury markup.

Speaker 3 I've been living in their cashmere sweaters lately. They hold up beautifully even through holiday chaos.
And Quince isn't just clothes. They've got amazing options for home, bath, kitchen, and travel.

Speaker 3 Oh, yeah. I picked up a few for myself and a few to gift, and it's all stuff people actually love.

Speaker 1 Give and get timeless holiday staples that last this season with Quince. Go to quince.com/slash fly for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns.
Now available in Canada, too.

Speaker 1 That's q-u-in-ce-e.com slash fly. Free shipping, 365-day returns.

Speaker 3 Quince.com/slash fly.

Speaker 4 Ready to level up?

Speaker 5 Chumba Casino is your playbook to fun.

Speaker 6 It's free to play with no purchase necessary.

Speaker 7 Enjoy hundreds of online social games like Blackjack, Slots, and Solitaire anytime, anywhere, with fresh releases every week.

Speaker 11 Whether you're at home or on the go, let Chumba Casino bring the excitement to you. Plus, get free daily login bonuses and a free welcome bonus.

Speaker 5 Join now for your chance to redeem some serious prizes.

Speaker 6 Play Chumba Casino today.

Speaker 9 No purchase necessary.

Speaker 4 VGW Group, Void War Prohibited by Law 21 Plus.

Speaker 12 TNCs apply.

Speaker 1 Bill Maher, good friend of uh mine and yours dana um has a great show

Speaker 1 a lot of opinions talks about a lot of interesting things and uh one thing on a side note i didn't tell him is a lot of times on twitter they have just snippets of the show from the night before

Speaker 1 and so i get to watch little chunks if i do miss it and that's kind of uh

Speaker 1 That's kind of a plus because I get to see a little snip of like, here's what he thought about this. Here's an interview with this.

Speaker 1 So, but great time. All just a bunch of comedians cracking up again, as usual.
I like that.

Speaker 3 A lot of laughs in this one. And, you know, and he just talks about his early days a little bit, stuff like that.
And we talk about the golden globes.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, we did get

Speaker 3 just on. And

Speaker 3 Bill always has something interesting to say. And he talks about honesty is sort of his, his superpower.

Speaker 3 He's very, you know. He's blunt, but I was on his show in the 90s a bunch of times, politically incorrect.
I haven't been on real time as much, but we've known him a long time.

Speaker 3 We meaning comedians, all know each other from the improv and comedy store, go back.

Speaker 1 He's had basically

Speaker 1 the same job since 1993. It's unbelievable.

Speaker 3 I don't know how much time off, but basically it's just a connected thing.

Speaker 1 Just a straight run of.

Speaker 1 a hit show. Yeah, basically.

Speaker 1 Just whatever version of it, but it's all about the same version.

Speaker 1 It's bananas. And

Speaker 1 he's been up for 40 Emmys.

Speaker 2 That's how we put it.

Speaker 3 40 Emmy nominations is an achievement in itself. Yeah, crazy.
And that's extraordinary. And he talks about he was going to be a sitcom actor.
We talk about that in the 80s and then

Speaker 3 how he evolved as a comic. And then we just goof around and do a lot of stuff.
I did a few Dennis Miller impressions, which he loves.

Speaker 1 Always a hit, always a home run. I tried to ask a real question toward the end, and he made fun of me.
So

Speaker 1 remember that?

Speaker 1 He goes, who wrote that question? I go, Bill.

Speaker 3 Oh, yeah, that sounds like a producer. And then Craig was turning bright red.
I could see in the.

Speaker 1 It wasn't. I was just wanting to say, God, you say so much shit on your show.

Speaker 1 What could they possibly do? Did they ever just say, stay away from that? Because you know a lot of these talk shows are like, do not talk about this, do not talk about that.

Speaker 3 He's got a pretty, pretty big leash, but there's a couple of times certain things got a a little controversial. You guys can look at Spank.
You can look it up.

Speaker 1 Yeah. All right.
Well, let's let him hear it. We had a really good time with Bill A.

Speaker 3 Ma Bill Mar.

Speaker 13 Which one is Jason Bateman?

Speaker 2 You're our third. This is when Club Random and this one goes under, this is our podcast.

Speaker 3 Let's get our chemistry together now.

Speaker 13 That would be awesome. Okay, we're on because I don't like to waste any of my charm talking to you guys when we're not actually on.

Speaker 3 We're recording, everything's recorded.

Speaker 1 And this is, dude, I do phone or interviews, Bill, just before this part of it. But and then they go, hey, Zoo crew.
And I go, okay, they go, how you been, Dan? How you been, David?

Speaker 1 You got a big show coming up.

Speaker 2 And I go, yeah.

Speaker 1 And they go, first time in Denver. And I go, no, I've been there.

Speaker 2 And then they're like, honk, honk.

Speaker 1 And then they go, and then after I'm exhausted, they go, okay, we're going to put you on in about two minutes. We're going to patch you in.
I know.

Speaker 2 Wait, wait, this isn't it? What the fuck's going on?

Speaker 3 And then you hear them talking about you. It's very creepy.
I don't like it.

Speaker 3 Do you love doing morning radio during your early days, right, Bill?

Speaker 13 Early days. Yeah, very early.
I haven't done that. I mean, that's one thing

Speaker 13 I have on my list of things.

Speaker 2 Wait, wait.

Speaker 13 I have a list because I'm not,

Speaker 13 I just did my, probably my last stand-up show.

Speaker 2 Impossible. That's

Speaker 13 and that. No, no, no.
That's my special. I know.

Speaker 3 Is anyone else seeing this on HBO this Friday? Because we're out Wednesday.

Speaker 13 Yeah, yeah. Okay.
So,

Speaker 13 but I, you know, among the things that I will not miss is the interview with Fart Man and asshole Jack.

Speaker 2 Right.

Speaker 3 Fart Man, that was

Speaker 3 Howard.

Speaker 2 Howard Stern.

Speaker 13 Well, whatever. You know,

Speaker 2 Tommy and the Bull.

Speaker 3 There was always a guy and an animal. Tommy and the bull.
Right.

Speaker 13 I mean, David Spade is much more of a warrior than I am. I mean, he will still do that and do any sort of show anywhere.
I mean, he'll do it outside for channels.

Speaker 13 He's just amazing.

Speaker 1 Yeah, because my manager's name is Mark Gerbits.

Speaker 2 Yeah, mine makes us all go. I think it's a nice little run.

Speaker 1 Spade likes money. Dana doesn't like money.

Speaker 13 Well, it doesn't make me do it, and they're not making me do it anymore. I mean, I will miss it and I love it, but, you know, there's a time.

Speaker 13 It's better to leave a party a little early than a little late, I feel um and i that that's you know among the things i will not miss it's it's that those talking to i mean some i've done many newspaper interviews but who the fuck reads a newspaper anymore uh with people who are actually quite bright and pleasant to talk to but the morning zoo guys no that that's just outrageous What's the main thing they would ask you that

Speaker 3 would be annoying or assume something about you?

Speaker 3 The real Bill Maher.

Speaker 13 You know, that I have a thing for black women or something like that.

Speaker 2 That's insane.

Speaker 2 Well,

Speaker 2 who doesn't?

Speaker 13 I love every woman.

Speaker 13 It's just ridiculous to say I have some sort of fetish, but they're not interested in the things I'm interested in, which are, you know, politics and what's really going on and something with a little intellectual nutrition to it.

Speaker 13 They want to talk about stupid shit like that.

Speaker 1 Nutrition. Yeah.
They go, Bill, when you get on the phone, there's, you're going to hear a robot voice. That's our sidekick.
You're going to hear a parakeet.

Speaker 2 And then you're going to hear Bobo. He's in for zip-zip.

Speaker 2 He's an animatronic monkey. Don't be alarmed.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 I've done it all.

Speaker 1 We were just saying that some of these corporate gigs are kind of fun because you go out there. They're not super fun, but they can be okay.

Speaker 1 They can be okay. I think we all do those.
And

Speaker 2 thank you.

Speaker 13 No, no, no, no.

Speaker 2 You don't do those anymore?

Speaker 13 Again, may I reiterate, you're such more of a warrior than I am. You'll do anything.

Speaker 2 I'll do only.

Speaker 13 Yeah, I get offered these corporate gigs and

Speaker 13 I've been there.

Speaker 13 It's true.

Speaker 13 I've been there enough to know what the problem is.

Speaker 13 There's corporations, right? And they have a corporate mentality, which I do not. Okay, so right away, the premises are not going to please them.
I'm a pot-smoking atheist.

Speaker 13 I'm just wrong to begin with for this crowd. So if they don't love the premise, they're probably not going to like the joke.

Speaker 13 Now, there's some stuff, especially in the last five, 10 years when the left has gone off the deep end that I do plenty of stuff that will make conservatives laugh because the left deserves it also now.

Speaker 13 But corporate gigs.

Speaker 13 I remember when I did a few of them, here's the problem. Somebody on the entertainment committee is my fan.
So they're like, let's get Bill Maher here. Everybody will love him.

Speaker 13 Well, everybody won't love him in the company. You do.
And you think everybody in the company is so fucking hip. They always, when I say no, oh, no, our company is different.
No, it's not.

Speaker 13 You think your company is different and it's full of a bunch of hip people, but it's not. It's full of a bunch of insurance salesmen and they're going to fucking make my life miserable.

Speaker 13 And there's no amount of money that can make that, you know, when you're this age, every day has to be a good day. And a day when I'm talking to a bunch of corporate people at noon is not a good day.

Speaker 3 Is this true, Bill? Because I've been doing corporates for a long time, not as many as I used to. And that's why they pay you so much because they know it's difficult.

Speaker 3 But they did say to you, and they didn't say this in a snarky way. They go, well, Bill was

Speaker 3 different. And we said, Bill, you know, no F-bombs, okay?

Speaker 3 And then apparently, Bill went up there and said, How the fuck is everybody doing tonight?

Speaker 3 Which I, then I, I, I loved you even more because that's what you all want. We all want to do.
But then, you know.

Speaker 13 Yeah,

Speaker 13 the last one I did, you know, the guy from the corporation is the one who introduces you and does the intro and sometimes tries to be funny.

Speaker 13 And my opening line was, Jesus Christ, that guy was fucking terrible.

Speaker 13 Because he was.

Speaker 13 And they all laugh because they know it too.

Speaker 13 But it's just, see, you can do it, Dana, because you're not doing stuff that's going to offend either side. You know, you could do your genius.

Speaker 3 Well, I'm a, a i'll do just impressions i mean i don't care i'll just be the you know i said i i would do a corporate date that's specific to that you know and even when you do like your brilliant joe biden which i loved every week and come on

Speaker 3 more people today make more bills they're not gonna be able to get my bills back

Speaker 2 where am i what's going on and i love

Speaker 3 good joey go ahead i love when david was on when you were the church lady too that was great to see you guys again we wanted from the beginning beginning we thought i thought and david thought that it'd be funny if he just played hunter biden we don't know why it was just david as hunter biden and then the opportunity came up and it ended up being not biden you know joe biden with hunter biden but it was we got him on there it was great now i was always curious to why they never had anyone play hunter biden they sort of right it was just sort of ripe for the pickings i thought it may be a hot tub talk show where they have guests and girls and the you know well if you want to get into that and i know this podcast.

Speaker 3 We can, we can say anything. We have editing capability in case

Speaker 1 anything funny you say about

Speaker 2 I pinched a hunter Joe. Yeah.

Speaker 3 Let's let's end a career today, shall we?

Speaker 13 No, but as far as like

Speaker 13 you mentioned, like, why didn't they do that? How about why didn't they make fun?

Speaker 13 of Kamala's husband when he got me too.

Speaker 13 Like,

Speaker 13 it is amazing the way this country is so partisan, including in the media and the entertainment parts of it, that when something happens for your team that's bad, it's like, you know, it's like the angel of death just flying over the house on Passover.

Speaker 13 Like, we don't see a thing here. Because, you know, Doug Emhoff was credibly accused of things that other people have been accused of.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, that wasn't plastered everywhere.

Speaker 13 It was, well, it was certainly out there. It was out there.

Speaker 1 Yeah. You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 2 And, you know, again,

Speaker 13 it was as credible as many other accusations I've heard, you know,

Speaker 13 but somehow it was just Andy Sandberg as, oh, funny kind of dorky doug.

Speaker 13 And it's just wrong. You know, if you're going to make fun of people, go both sides.
Don't play that game. I don't like that.

Speaker 3 I was surprised in many ways that, you know, I was ready when I first did Biden out there i just thought you know because he'd been a hot oven for a long time to what line are you making fun of dementia or whatever so when i was ready for a heckler in the live audience and i was ready to say get your facts straight jack i had a i had a comeback just in case but they went for it because i guess he wasn't running anymore but the the rules all changed after biden was no longer the nominee they became a lot looser with it so i caught a lucky wave i think well also nobody else really got how to make them funny and so they had to go they had to go to the bullpen they had to go to the old school

Speaker 13 old cast member

Speaker 3 had to had to bring in uh bring in the old horse i was like the guy from the 80s is gonna come back secretariats running yeah but i thought the toys were all there to pick up and by the way and and guess what?

Speaker 3 The fact of the matter is, I thought they were all there. And the whisper and the yelling.

Speaker 2 Guess what?

Speaker 3 I wrote the bill because I know how to ride bills, but

Speaker 3 no one did them.

Speaker 2 So I took them up.

Speaker 13 That's right.

Speaker 13 It was all there. But that's always the case with comedy, isn't it? When you hear some guy or woman do a great joke and you go, oh.
Yeah, that observation was there for me to make.

Speaker 1 Right in front of me.

Speaker 3 That's why you don't want to watch comedians, right? I mean, you don't watch a lot of standards because of that.

Speaker 13 Correct. I assume.
Yeah. Yeah.
It's a busman's holiday. And also, most of them are not funny enough to make me LOL like you guys do.
So, you know, if there's no LOL in it for me,

Speaker 13 you know, I mean, it's sometimes.

Speaker 13 It's relevant or it's, you know, breaking new ground. I don't give a shit about that.
It's like a, you know, a record review when an album comes out and they like write.

Speaker 13 It's like, is the good, is the music good? Do I care that this is changing music? First of all, it's not. There's so many notes, and they're doing it.
I just want to feel good. Okay.

Speaker 13 I'm just the young man in the 22nd row.

Speaker 3 There's nothing like it. That's why Sebastian really stood out to me 10 years ago when he came out Manaskoka and was just fucking funny.

Speaker 2 I mean, right.

Speaker 13 No, there's lots of funny people out there now,

Speaker 13 but there's also a lot of like, oh this is really you know emotionally satisfying okay well not really specials you see and you go is this a stand-up comedy special and it's more like a therapy session or something right that's okay this is different that's what i'm talking about and look this is there are people watching this now saying oh these three old guys yeah these idiots in our day it was so much better you know yeah they don't get it no we get it i get what you're doing it's just we have a different um

Speaker 13 we were raised at a different time look i could sugarcoat it but we're tougher and we're not even that tough we're just tougher than we're not marines or anything you know we're baby we're baby boomers they thought we were soft and weak but compared to the generation that's came after us and so they like all this like uh stuff that's about emotions and emo and feeling good and sharing and uh you know feeling safe.

Speaker 13 You know, to us, it's like, could we just have the jokes? We're just here to have that feel. And I don't think that's ever going to change.

Speaker 13 I think people really still, when they go out to see a comedy show, they want their stomach to hurt at the end of it. That's what I've always tried to do.

Speaker 3 Yeah. You have a, the, the, Jeff Altman came up a while back.
I think it was with Leno. Just, where are those guys? I mean, they're just big, funny extroverts, just being ridiculous.

Speaker 3 Bruce Babyman Bomb.

Speaker 13 Can I tell you a Jeff Altman story for the millions of people who

Speaker 2 first explain who Jeff Altman was, Pink Lady and Jeff.

Speaker 13 You do that.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 3 He was a comedian, 80s, 90s on Letterman a lot. And he was just a big, funny, silly,

Speaker 3 always made me laugh.

Speaker 13 And Fred Silverman, who at the time was the biggest mocker in TV, I guess was NBC. He gave him a show when he was kind of an unknown comic called Pink Lady and Jeff.

Speaker 13 And it was Jeff with two young Japanese women who I'm not sure spoke English, maybe was the joke. I don't know.

Speaker 13 You know, what you could do back then with people of a different ethnicity than you who didn't speak English was unlimited. So I mean, you could win anything.
But it lasted like two shows.

Speaker 13 And that was bad for him. And it wasn't really his his fault.
You know, he was offered a prime time show on a major network at the time when there's only three or four networks. Yeah, it's a big deal.

Speaker 13 Yeah, it was a big deal. But okay, so here's the story.

Speaker 13 I was out with him one night. I mean, this is probably the 90s when I was out a lot.

Speaker 13 We were young and I don't know, we were coming from the Playboy Mansion or something. I don't know.
We weren't doing that. But we were on, we were walking.
with two girls.

Speaker 13 I don't remember if they were girlfriends or people we just met or I I don't know, homeless.

Speaker 13 But we were walking on Sunset Boulevard. I think it was Sunset.
Yes. We're walking like

Speaker 13 long way, like a long way to get to another bar, probably. I'm sure that's what it was.
So at one point, for no reason, Jeff just breaks out running. like as fast as he can ahead of us.

Speaker 13 And that alone was funny.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 like

Speaker 13 four blocks later, we're walking along and I look to the side and there's a little doorstep going down toward a door. And there he is pretending to be passed out in the doorhell.

Speaker 13 You know, just he just the commitment to that to run ahead and wait, passed out on the,

Speaker 13 just so that when I came upon him, it would get a laugh. That was Jeff Altman to me.

Speaker 3 I'm sure he's still around. If he's listening right now, Jeff.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. yeah when i started the improv the board that chalkboard up there was like bill

Speaker 1 maybe some jeff altman maybe some belzer uh oh yeah

Speaker 1 remember you're trying your whole at the clubs at the improv club on melrose when i first started sure all these guys were great everybody was funny and i was trying to worm my way in bill i had a question for you serious question did you get one of those uh Medal of Freedoms the other day they were passing out?

Speaker 13 Yeah, I did. And I put it with the others.

Speaker 13 I mean, I have a draw full, but I could always use more. Yeah.

Speaker 13 No,

Speaker 13 I'm not what they call a ward bait.

Speaker 4 Ready to level up?

Speaker 5 Chumba Casino is your playbook to fun.

Speaker 6 It's free to play with no purchase necessary.

Speaker 7 Enjoy hundreds of online social games like Blackjack, Slots, and Solitaire anytime, anywhere, with fresh releases every week, whether you're at home or on the go.

Speaker 11 Let Chumba Casino bring the excitement to you. Plus, get free daily login bonuses and a free welcome bonus.

Speaker 5 Join now for your chance to redeem some serious prizes.

Speaker 9 Play Chumba Casino today. No purchase necessary.

Speaker 4 VGW Group, Void War Prohibited by Law 21 Plus.

Speaker 12 TNCs apply.

Speaker 13 What'd you think of the

Speaker 3 Golden Globes? The Golden Globes.

Speaker 3 I think it's an ongoing thing of like, how many people have seen the movies?

Speaker 13 Oh, exactly.

Speaker 2 That's a problem.

Speaker 13 I thought it was a tutorial in why Trump won the election.

Speaker 13 But

Speaker 2 not really. Why is that so funny?

Speaker 13 It is because

Speaker 2 I want to hear it.

Speaker 3 Because no one was really too political. There was a couple like in these troubled times, but nothing super overt.

Speaker 13 No, but it's just, it's, first of all, the fact that they have a special award for, I don't know what they call it, Blockbuster.

Speaker 1 Box Office or something.

Speaker 13 Movies People Like.

Speaker 13 Yeah. Which actually used to be what an award show was.
Movies People Liked and Saw. But Danny, you're right.

Speaker 13 I mean, so many, I watched it as an instructive because I just was familiarized with so many movies and TV shows that I had never heard of or barely heard of. Some I want to see.

Speaker 13 I want to see the Jesse Eisenberg one because I love him and I think he does great stuff and that looks fun.

Speaker 13 And there's a few others, but yeah, and it's just like this other world world that the, you know, that the, what the right would call the leftist elitists, and they're not completely wrong about that, that they live in this world and

Speaker 13 everybody else lives in this other world.

Speaker 13 And, you know, I know during the election, the Democrats were like, if we can just get Taylor Swift to endorse Joe,

Speaker 13 this will put him over the top. And, you know, they got every big star.
And I think it actually hurt

Speaker 13 because people don't look at these celebrities like, oh, they're just like us. They're not just like you.
They have no idea what life is like, real life.

Speaker 13 And a show like this, it comes across that way. And it just makes people go, oh, fuck these people.
And their insular world.

Speaker 13 You know, I also, yeah.

Speaker 3 I was just

Speaker 3 thinking about movie actors and where else do we praise people with that kind of hyperbole? His performance is nothing short of a miracle, right?

Speaker 2 Really?

Speaker 13 And everyone is

Speaker 13 and everyone who like puts on a fake nose is brave. You know, like it's a, it was a brave performance.
A brave performance is the Battle of Fallujah. Okay, that was brave.
Just uglying yourself up.

Speaker 3 Omaha Beach was brave.

Speaker 13 You know, just uglying yourself up for a movie,

Speaker 13 not brave it would be it would be brave if you're going to permanently stay ugly but you're not you know disfigure yourself but i thought our girl nikki did great yeah she did great this is uh not an easy room and uh she no that's great jokes i uh boys

Speaker 13 yeah i think uh

Speaker 13 i would like to see her do it again because uh she aired correctly on the side of

Speaker 13 this isn't a roast

Speaker 13 exactly. Okay, these people

Speaker 13 caution. Yeah, these are all a bunch of divas in this room.

Speaker 13 You know, don't make the mistake that Joe Coy, I think, did the year before. And, you know, like, don't ever like blame them.
They're perfect.

Speaker 3 Oh, no, no, you never turn.

Speaker 13 No, they're the A-listers. I would like to see her do it like again and again, because I read her

Speaker 13 interview about it and she said she wanted to be like Tina Fay and Amy Poehler, who did great with it. But I want to see her be Ricky Gervais.
But she does not have the stature yet.

Speaker 13 And she's correct in assessing that. I told her that.
You don't have the stature yet. She knows this.

Speaker 13 You have to have stature. I mean, Ricky, when he did it, he was all one of them.
He was, first of all, he had fuck you money. He was a big producer.

Speaker 13 He had done lots of, you know, the office alone made him very rich.

Speaker 2 Highly respected.

Speaker 13 Highly respected.

Speaker 13 And just the attitude of, I don't give a if you ask me back on this show or not i'm gonna i'm gonna take the piss out of you people and he and i'm gonna be drunk when i do it that's what i want to see on the golden globes now she's not ready to do that yet and she made the right decision not to but i'd love to see her do it someday I never get tired of that because I'll click on Ricky Gervais so I get the YouTube shorts and his speech, and I don't know if it was his last one.

Speaker 3 He's got the beer. You know nothing.
You are nothing.

Speaker 2 Right.

Speaker 3 Just come up, get your little award, thank your fucking God, or something like that.

Speaker 3 I mean, it was so not television, uh, yeah, but I think it was his last one, and I'm interested in celebrity net worth only because of how it would affect the mind of the performer.

Speaker 3 And if you have a hundred million net, you live in a little village in England, you're like, you know,

Speaker 3 I'm still dancing for my donuts. You know, I don't, I'd like to feel that one day.

Speaker 1 I like last night when the brutalist guy goes, Brutalist, the guy goes, Brutalist. He goes, They always, he says, give directors the final cut, which fair enough.

Speaker 1 And then he goes, By the way, it's three and a half hours. So he's like, They all said it wouldn't be a hit.
I'm like, it's literally made $1 million

Speaker 2 worldwide.

Speaker 1 And the people are scratching their heads going, I mean, it's a hit. I mean, you won this.

Speaker 1 So this is the illusion it's the biggest hit in the world.

Speaker 13 I only got through the first two-thirds of it.

Speaker 2 What one?

Speaker 13 The brutalist?

Speaker 1 Then it really picks up.

Speaker 3 Brutalists, I think.

Speaker 2 Brutalist.

Speaker 14 People tell me that.

Speaker 1 Wait, Dana, when

Speaker 1 I watch a show on Netflix and they go, the first seven episodes are shit. Right.
I go, what are you still doing there?

Speaker 2 Get the fuck out.

Speaker 3 Like, go ahead, Dana. I like Landman.

Speaker 3 The thing that blew me away, you know, was Adrian Brody, right? Great actor. He's done, he's a very serious guy,

Speaker 3 super likable, like an open wound, brilliant actor and then with no judgment his wife was with harvey weinstein and then went to adrian brody wow what that's a pretty big leap that's a different kind of husband

Speaker 13 okay can i defend that no i just explain no no i mean i talked to adrian and his his girlfriend i don't know if they're married um georgina isn't Yes.

Speaker 3 I'm sure she's lovely. I would just go, she's got a really nice guy now.

Speaker 2 Right. Harvey was tough.

Speaker 13 Yeah. But she, I don't think she knew Harvey was doing what he was doing when she was with him.
And as soon as she found out, she was in a camp.

Speaker 13 So I talked to them at the Oscar party, the Vanity Fair Oscar party, I think two years ago. They couldn't have been nicer.
And it seemed, you know, it seemed like a genuinely good relationship.

Speaker 13 So, I mean, I don't, I don't know if there's anything there there, because again,

Speaker 2 that explains it.

Speaker 13 That explains it. I don't think she knew nobody.
Nobody was talking about Harvey Weinstein until it broke. You know, I mean,

Speaker 13 did you know? I didn't know. I mean, he was always nice to me, as John Lubbock used to say about OJ.

Speaker 2 He was always nice to me.

Speaker 3 I wasn't thinking so much of the.

Speaker 13 That is what he used to say, by the way. He was always nice to me.
He never split my throat. Okay.

Speaker 1 Never killed me.

Speaker 3 Just as a type. I wasn't thinking so much about the sexual escapades.
It's just a type.

Speaker 3 Because we knew Harvey was an aggressive kind of bulldog and Adrian's a sensitive soul from afar.

Speaker 3 So that's just an interesting dichotomy.

Speaker 13 But neither one of them is like traditionally handsome

Speaker 13 because women are deeper than we are.

Speaker 2 So they go for something.

Speaker 13 Yeah. Thank God.

Speaker 3 Didn't Aristotle Anassis, that was his first line to a woman, was, I'm an ugly man. Okay.

Speaker 3 Right. That was his first line.
But.

Speaker 2 Yeah. but i second line was i'm a rich one this is the us

Speaker 2 aristotle yeah he wasn't that bad i mean you know jackie

Speaker 13 yeah he had well first of all we only got to know him when he was old you know i never knew about him until he married jackie oh right i mean that's what sort of put him on the put him on the map you know I mean, and I think what he offered her was something she was looking for, an island,

Speaker 2 you know,

Speaker 13 yes, to hide from the paparazzi and so forth.

Speaker 3 Totally. Women are more evolved than we are.

Speaker 2 Yeah, also. Yeah, Bill.

Speaker 2 I could not agree more.

Speaker 1 Were there some of these movies and TV shows? That's all I saw that Challengers was, which I saw.

Speaker 13 Me too. Like that.

Speaker 1 I don't know if it was a comedy or musical, but.

Speaker 13 I don't understand it either, but I liked it.

Speaker 1 I liked it. And I think they go, it'd be great to have Zendaya here.

Speaker 13 I think that's the true with a lot of people that were there.

Speaker 1 A lot of it, yeah. No, listen, Zendaya is great, she was great.
Oh, she's great, everything, but she should be there.

Speaker 1 Now, could they just make a category for challengers like they did with the box office one?

Speaker 3 Well, why, why is the bear up against Only Murders in the Building?

Speaker 2 I mean, why is Martin Short up against Jeremy Allen White?

Speaker 13 But go back. What won? I don't know what won.

Speaker 2 I haven't seen anyone.

Speaker 3 Good question.

Speaker 1 He usually wins, Jeremy Allen.

Speaker 13 No, who won the best movie?

Speaker 2 Oh, the best movie?

Speaker 13 Okay, what you don't know.

Speaker 2 What won anything?

Speaker 3 The brutalist. Didn't the brutalists win the best movie?

Speaker 13 Okay, Bobby, what is the brutalist about?

Speaker 2 It's got, Jesus Christ, I feel like I'm in seventh grade all of a sudden here.

Speaker 3 Suddenly, the pop quiz from the audience.

Speaker 1 Let me see.

Speaker 2 I'm going to look at it.

Speaker 3 Can we marr google guy to do it that's me oh good dennis miller's here billy marr gotta love billy maher you know the perennial teenager thing working out for you you know

Speaker 3 got the man cave with the pool table how's that uh circa troy donahue motif you know one of the uh the youth

Speaker 3 that never end no we i love dennis and he is he's one of the funniest humans

Speaker 13 well you certainly are when you when you parody.

Speaker 3 Oh, I love doing him, and he improves my vocabulary.

Speaker 2 Okay,

Speaker 3 a little tissue in the back there in case he gets a little watery-eyed over that medication he needs every other day at this point.

Speaker 13 That's you and your funny impressions.

Speaker 1 All right, I'm going to read you some winners, guys.

Speaker 13 Oh, great. Okay.

Speaker 1 Drama.

Speaker 2 Wait.

Speaker 1 Musical or comedy motion picture. They're sort of covering their bases here.

Speaker 13 That must have been wicked.

Speaker 1 Oh, no. It was Amelia Perez.
It beat fucking Wicked.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 3 Perez won everything. Wicked got the best big, you know.

Speaker 13 Well, it's always a contest. Commercial film.
It's always a contest to be which can be the most

Speaker 13 virtue signaling and politically correct, which is, again, why Trump won, because people just want entertainment. So like, even though Wicked, I didn't see Wicked, but I know

Speaker 13 someone who's in her 20s and went to see it with someone who's like,

Speaker 13 I think her sister or something who's like, you know, a teenager. And the teenager didn't even like it and thought it was too preachy.

Speaker 2 Wicked? Yeah, wicked.

Speaker 13 Well, I haven't seen it, but that was the report from a 18-year-old girl. Too preachy.
And, you know, it just, okay, so I don't know. Maybe it's not.

Speaker 1 What is Amelia Perez about?

Speaker 13 Ah, good question. That was my next question.

Speaker 3 About a woman named Amelia Perez.

Speaker 1 That's delivered about Amelia Earhart.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Spanish.
Okay. I also was

Speaker 1 Different Man the one you're talking about with Jesse Eisenberg.

Speaker 13 See, that one I, oh, okay. If that's Jesse's movie, then I want to see that.
But I've not really been familiarized with it, and I don't know what that's about.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you're really nailing these.

Speaker 2 Culkin, the guy that took the sidekick, one of the Culkin brothers won.

Speaker 13 Yes, he did.

Speaker 13 One of the, listen to you, grandpa. Karen Culkin.

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 3 Guess who knew the Culkin brothers back in 1990? Yeah, Kieran was my, he was like my shadow when, when his brother was hosting.

Speaker 2 Is that right? That's weird.

Speaker 3 Yeah, because I saw some activity with his father and I knew what was going on. And I had the same kind of

Speaker 1 family.

Speaker 13 Wait, wait, I'm interested. What was going on?

Speaker 3 I just saw, you know, my friend and I have this phrase, the Turner phrase of an insecure man, a hurting cowboy.

Speaker 3 So I I saw that his dad was a hurting cowboy. He suddenly was, yeah, was it that his name? And I could tell that was a rough, that was a rough dad to have, you know.

Speaker 13 And

Speaker 13 what is the cowboy meaning?

Speaker 3 A hurting cowboy, an insecure, an insecure man. I've always told anyone there's nothing more dangerous than a man with alcohol in him who's insecure after midnight.

Speaker 13 Right. I would agree.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Back to the fun stuff. Guys, let's

Speaker 2 let's go back. All right.
When is this?

Speaker 2 That's

Speaker 2 a good question.

Speaker 1 Bill will be happy to know. Wicked did come through.

Speaker 1 They had to make one up. That's cinematic box office achievement.
Obviously, you just look in the paper. What made the most money? Okay.

Speaker 13 Right. That's all that is.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Zoe Saldana won a supporting actress in Amelia Perez.

Speaker 13 I saw that, and I'm sure she's a lovely person. But again,

Speaker 13 the level to which these people are seduced by winning a little trophy is something I mean just the speeches well just the overflowing emotion that like oh my god you like me and you gave me this trophy and they're just overcome it's just it's very hard to watch I what I see I couldn't watch a show like this in real time I taped it and then watched it in the bathtub with the clicker I mean with the remote being able to zip through the things that I just can't take and the things I just can't take are the speeches and also the speech, the speeches and also the little patter that they give the presenters before they.

Speaker 13 So I had to, I just, I can't do it. So I had to go through those and then I got to, oh, and this, this is what the nominees are.
And it educated me on all these shows that I will never see.

Speaker 1 Even the closed captioning is tough to get through sometimes because I read what they're saying and I'm like, oof.

Speaker 13 What is the brutalist about?

Speaker 1 It's about, I told you, there's something about the immigrants, right?

Speaker 2 And and immigrant

Speaker 3 immigrating to america and the difficulties of that experience just immigration is a big year i mean that right that's a good one uh

Speaker 2 again

Speaker 13 another reason why trump won

Speaker 13 because these people think unlimited open borders is what we should be championing and americans kind of don't agree with that including uh people of color who voted more for trump than they ever did for a republican but okay majority of latino men men, but for whatever reason, yeah, well, for whatever reason,

Speaker 3 I mean, no, but over 50%

Speaker 2 Democrats are got to be

Speaker 13 yeah, and they keep digging their hole bigger because they don't get it that they keep talking about you know oppression, and there is oppression, of course.

Speaker 13 But most of these people were saying, you know, what's oppressive to me? The price of eggs. Yeah, okay, that's what's oppressing me.
Deal with that.

Speaker 1 Yeah, the ones right in front of me, the eggs. So they're expensive.

Speaker 3 There's no such thing as inflation's under control.

Speaker 3 Remember when gas prices started going up, and he's saying this stuff that's talked about in the back room. This could be a good thing.

Speaker 3 Hazen transition to a way for fossil fuels.

Speaker 1 Bill, I swear you could have jumped into that Medal of Freedom ceremony and he wouldn't have noticed it.

Speaker 2 Throw it around your neck.

Speaker 1 He was out of it. This guy did some shit.
There you go. Okay.
Next.

Speaker 3 Is it true you have 40 nominations, but not a win?

Speaker 2 Correct.

Speaker 13 And I think that really says more about them than me.

Speaker 2 But let's move on. I blame Gorbitz.

Speaker 3 Yeah, it's impossible to win now.

Speaker 1 Demi Moore

Speaker 1 won for the substance. Actress in a musical or comedy.
Was that a musical or comedy? Was it?

Speaker 13 Okay, I saw that one.

Speaker 2 Okay, go.

Speaker 13 Really hard to watch because.

Speaker 13 Have you seen it?

Speaker 1 No, someone warned me off it. They said you wouldn't be able to handle it.

Speaker 13 I couldn't handle it. I literally was watching it through my fingers because it becomes, it's so over the top with what they do to her.

Speaker 13 It's about, it's a good idea. And there are parts of it I liked, but it was just too hard to watch.

Speaker 13 She is a woman of a certain age who wants to recapture youth. And then there's some thing that somebody invented that she can inject herself with.

Speaker 13 Right.

Speaker 13 And like she leaves her old self lying in the closet for a week and the new version of her goes out and then she gets hooked on it and wants to you have to do it in a certain way she fucks it up so then she becomes this grotesque figure oh and they just take it to a degree that's just for me it was too much but i get the idea and

Speaker 13 yeah and of course uh you know it was making a comment about how we uh judge older people by their looks and that's not right

Speaker 13 and so applause you know applause applause

Speaker 13 i get it it's not right but we do and to me that's all ass backwards because if you were really mature what you would understand is that life is a series of trade-offs when you're young you're stupid and beautiful and then you get older and you get smarter and worse looking and mature people throughout the ages in all cultures have just accepted that not us not us not hollywood you have to be sexy until you're a million years old and anyone says different is bad

Speaker 2 i'm lucky you're not just wrong

Speaker 2 they're bad yeah they're bad they're bad people

Speaker 1 well to me

Speaker 1 first of all could not look any better i mean for being in this movie uh about looking good she looks great who to me more

Speaker 13 yeah but she doesn't look like she's 25 no which is the point of the movie so yeah she actually should a different actor

Speaker 1 plays her right

Speaker 13 yeah yes of course

Speaker 2 Yeah,

Speaker 13 that's the point. Yeah, it's Margaret Qualey, who is 25.

Speaker 3 You know, I did kind of like her speech because she has been,

Speaker 3 you know, the idea that I thought I was kind of done, really done. You know, so that was unexpected.

Speaker 13 No, I loved her speech. That's one speech I watched, and it was great.
First of all, it was in control. It was, it was planned.
She had a little thing to say. It was succinct.

Speaker 13 And she said, I love the part she said,

Speaker 13 some producer told me a long, long time ago, you're you're a popcorn actress. Yeah, you know, you'll do well in movies that make money, but no, you're not going to win awards.
That's and uh,

Speaker 13 so I thought that was that was terrific.

Speaker 1 You know, what's funny is, first of all, I think she's great. Second of all, I just want someone in a speech to go, you know, what someone told me once, you're gonna be great.

Speaker 1 They never mentioned that, it's always the one guy that told them you'll never make it. But there's a lot of

Speaker 1 people in the way that say you'll probably be great.

Speaker 4 Ready to level up?

Speaker 5 Chumba Casino is your playbook to fun.

Speaker 6 It's free to play with no purchase necessary.

Speaker 7 Enjoy hundreds of online social games like Blackjack, Slots, and Solitaire anytime, anywhere, with fresh releases every week.

Speaker 11 Whether you're at home or on the go, let Chumba Casino bring the excitement to you. Plus, get free daily login bonuses and a free welcome bonus.

Speaker 5 Join now for your chance to redeem some serious prizes.

Speaker 9 Play Chumba Casino today.

Speaker 12 No purchase necessary, VGW Group Voidboard prohibited by law 21, TNCs apply.

Speaker 15 The holidays mean more travel, more shopping, more time online, and more personal info in more places that could expose you more to identity theft.

Speaker 15 But Life Lock monitors millions of data points per second. If your identity is stolen, our U.S.-based restoration specialists will fix it guaranteed or your money back.

Speaker 15 Don't face drained accounts, fraudulent loans, or financial losses alone. Get more holiday fun and less holiday worry with Life Lock.
Save up to 40% your first year. Visit lifelock.com slash podcast.

Speaker 2 Terms apply.

Speaker 3 Did you have that bill? I mean,

Speaker 3 did you have a struggle where they didn't know what to do with you? Because

Speaker 3 you were in a half-hour sitcom first, right?

Speaker 2 Before

Speaker 1 doing real-time. Were you one of the pink ladies?

Speaker 13 I did four sitcoms.

Speaker 3 Four that made it to air?

Speaker 13 Yeah, I think so.

Speaker 13 I did Sarah with Gina Davis.

Speaker 13 I did Hard Knocks, one of the first sitcoms on Showtime.

Speaker 13 I was two mismatched detectives, if you can believe a thing like that.

Speaker 2 I mean,

Speaker 3 were you in the show call? I think it's, I've had just about enough of you. Was that you? No, I never.
I just made that up, but go ahead.

Speaker 13 Titles are funny.

Speaker 2 Bill Maher is hard knocks. All right.

Speaker 13 I was in Bringing Up Chunky.

Speaker 2 I was the neighbor.

Speaker 13 No, and then I did, and then I did one with Sam Kinnison.

Speaker 13 I can't remember the name of that.

Speaker 2 Wow. it was one timer

Speaker 13 uh i don't know right before he died because he was a heroin addict who kept everybody waiting for hours while he sobered up i wanted to i want to see the script where in parentheses after sam it says in parentheses screams this next line yeah

Speaker 3 every line is in all caps yeah so was that your dream

Speaker 3 you weren't thinking about hosting the tonight show or anything you were thinking did you ever host the tonight show

Speaker 13 no i did not host it i've been on it you know like i don't know 40 times or something but um

Speaker 13 no i i always wanted to do pretty much what i'm doing but when i started like i think a lot of us the template was

Speaker 13 well you get on the tonight show you do your little six minutes little monkey goes out there and makes people laugh with good clean good clean material

Speaker 13 and then you right and then you get a sitcom like like uh robin williams did and uh Roseanne and Freddie Prince.

Speaker 2 Billy Crystal.

Speaker 13 Yeah. Well, you know, that was a little before my time.

Speaker 13 The idea is that you're going to get a sitcom based on you being a comedian, sometimes based on who you actually are as a comedian.

Speaker 13 And that's what happened to me. I did my four or five tonight shows.
I got on a big show, a sitcom on NBC that was on After Family Ties. It was a big thing with a big producer, Gary David Goldberg.

Speaker 2 And that was,

Speaker 13 yeah, so that was, so that put me on that path. And then I did, you know, okay, so I'm that funny guy.
I can do DC Cab and I can do, you know, these, you know, funny little movies.

Speaker 13 And so that was really how I spent the 80s. And it was, you know, but it's okay because.
I would not have had the gravitas in my 20s to do a show about politics.

Speaker 13 Who's going to listen to somebody that age? You shouldn't.

Speaker 13 So it was, it came out just pretty much the way it should have.

Speaker 3 And the technology. So cable TV was

Speaker 3 starting and going, and then that's, then that expanded. There weren't places to do a talk show besides the major networks in the 80s, right?

Speaker 13 So yeah, I mean, when I went on with Politically Incorrect in 1993,

Speaker 13 Comedy Central. Yeah, Comedy Central.

Speaker 2 And that was the right place. Yeah.

Speaker 13 for the show like that that was you know had nothing to lose and you could put a guy on a little controversy yeah they like yeah super cheap to make just get some chairs and yeah me very cheap at the time were you cheap at that time

Speaker 3 very cheap when did you first get rich like you don't have to tell a number when did you first get a big big paycheck and kind of went holy

Speaker 13 well i thought uh when i did that first sitcom I remember my salary was $7,500 a week.

Speaker 13 Previously had been my yearly earnings

Speaker 13 as a comedian, a little more than that yearly, but maybe not really when I lived in New York. So

Speaker 13 that was like 1984. It was my second year out here.
And, you know, to jump up to that was huge. You know, I immediately went to a store called Maxwell's, which was like this,

Speaker 2 this,

Speaker 13 did you know this store?

Speaker 13 No, but it just sounds funny.

Speaker 3 The guy gets money, goes right to Maxwell's.

Speaker 13 It was this clothing store. I think it was on Melrose or Robertson.
And it was like where rock stars went. And all the clothes were unique and hysterically awful if you saw them today.
But, you know,

Speaker 13 I could buy a sport coat for $1,500 or something. That was ridiculous.
But, you know, I never was able to do that before.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Wow.

Speaker 3 That was the salary I got for one of the boys with Mickey Rooney and Nathan Lane in 1981 in New York.

Speaker 2 My first sitcom.

Speaker 13 Yeah. Mickey Rooney.
Mickey Rooney.

Speaker 13 Boy, that takes you back. To work with a guy who was able to portray an Asian person

Speaker 13 in a movie and no one objected.

Speaker 1 And he probably got an award for it.

Speaker 2 With Buck Teeth. It was such a chewing on a log or something, eating crickets.

Speaker 2 Yes. Gerald type.

Speaker 3 I can't even do it.

Speaker 13 But Jerry Lewis did it too.

Speaker 1 By the way, in a crazy story that ties in Bill and Dana, we have the same management. And he says, one time I go up for a sitcom

Speaker 1 and they want me so bad, they say,

Speaker 1 we're going to audition you

Speaker 1 to the network and then seven people for the other guy. I was like, fuck yeah.
So I, of course, make my deal for like $25,000 for a pilot. So I'm basically spending the money.

Speaker 1 So I go there and the first read, they go, great. The second read, they go,

Speaker 1 maybe a little more energy on this one. Third read, they go, new guy with me.
And they go, maybe a little less energy on this. Now I see them sweating.

Speaker 1 Then they go, maybe we'll just, for laugh, switch parts just to mix things up.

Speaker 14 Just you read his, he'll read you.

Speaker 1 Oh, and I, I, by the way, I see nothing wrong. I'm like, cool.
I'm, I'm adaptable. I don't realize there's places on fire.
And so I finish, I go to see Mark Gervitz, our manager, and I walk in.

Speaker 1 He goes, All the people that just made $40,000, $30,000 in a pilot, take one step forward.

Speaker 2 Not so fast, Spade.

Speaker 2 Really? That's how he told me.

Speaker 1 I go, what are you talking about?

Speaker 10 He goes, how did you ruin that?

Speaker 1 You were the only one up for your part.

Speaker 3 I go, why?

Speaker 13 I can tell you exactly how, because I remember those days and not fondly. But here's the deal.
You go into Read first, and we're comics. So we already have an advantage because...

Speaker 13 Before you get to read, you usually have a little chit chat with the writer producers.

Speaker 13 By the way, I was so green when I started that I didn't realize that the producers were the writers. And one time I said to the producers,

Speaker 13 who wrote this shit?

Speaker 2 Not realizing it was them.

Speaker 13 But okay, so we go in and being comics, we can get them laughing before we even start reading the shit. So like we warm up the crowd.
And then it's like, oh, we're laughing. This guy's funny.

Speaker 13 Now we're going to read it. You read it the first time and you're funnier than the fucking actors if it's a silly sitcom.
So you kill. So they bring you back.
But now they've heard you do it once.

Speaker 13 So you do it again and they're still laughing. But, you know, it's kind of getting old.

Speaker 13 And by the eighth time they brought you back, it just looks stale because they've heard you do it so much. And then they bring in somebody who's not as good, but it's fresh.

Speaker 13 The reading is fresh and they look better.

Speaker 1 And that's. You've heard about your story that happened on the 405 on the way there six times.
So it's like, that's not funny anymore.

Speaker 3 Now it's just Bill, did you ever walk into an audition room and see sort of versions of yourself? Because to case of one, I walk in and see weak-chin, baby-faced, androgynous young men.

Speaker 2 Here's the women.

Speaker 2 Here's Bill's story.

Speaker 13 Go ahead. Here's my story about that.

Speaker 13 Exactly what you're talking about. I walked into one and Charles Fleischer.

Speaker 13 We know Charles Fleischer, right?

Speaker 13 Yes. Okay.
How would you describe Charles Fleischer? Oh, my goodness.

Speaker 1 Eccentric?

Speaker 13 Eccentric. Eccentric?

Speaker 2 Funny.

Speaker 13 He was Roger Rabbit.

Speaker 3 Roger Rabber. Yeah.

Speaker 3 Was he the first one to do where he put the stool upside down? I think maybe Rob did it later. Oh, seating for four.
See, seating for four game in. He put the stool upside down.

Speaker 1 He turned the stool upside down.

Speaker 2 Table for four. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Table for four game in.

Speaker 3 I thought that was Charlie Fleischer.

Speaker 13 But he had a kind of a mad scientist look.

Speaker 2 Yeah, mad scientist. Crazy hair.

Speaker 13 Okay, so I walk in and we have a little conversation. He goes, okay, pricks over here, nuts over here.
Because like, I was always like the sarcastic, the prick part.

Speaker 13 And I was sitting with the pricks and he was over there with the guy who's the nut. Like, that's what I said.
Come out. It had a prick and it had a nut.

Speaker 13 What I did, Sarah, I remember the ad came out in TV Guide, and it had the four of us, Gina Davis, Academy Award nominee Alfrey Woodard, great, Brunson Pinchot, and me, and a little description of who we were.

Speaker 13 And under mine, it said, The Office Creep.

Speaker 2 So that's a good spin-off.

Speaker 13 That's what I was playing. I was Marty, the office creep.

Speaker 1 Well, they're always they have to remember Kramer, someone to come in and be funny. That's usually the ones you try to get, but yeah, that's the fly show part.

Speaker 13 Yeah, the nut.

Speaker 3 He used to be a lot.

Speaker 3 I did a pilot with Kramer.

Speaker 3 Oh, you did?

Speaker 3 Yeah,

Speaker 3 his real name. Michael.
From Seinfeld. Michael.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 3 And called City Slickers. I was the cop in the little town and I was the straight man and he was the wacky New York police.

Speaker 1 Oh, he was the wacky and you weren't?

Speaker 3 No,

Speaker 3 I was always cast as a straight man.

Speaker 3 Every pilot, I was on two TV shows, one with James Farantino. I was a straight man, always a straight man.
Always until SNL.

Speaker 13 Can I ask something of you guys about aging here? Because like, I'm just picturing people watching this, listening to this,

Speaker 13 who are the age we were when we were listening to, I don't know, Shecky Green and George Burns. Don Rickles.

Speaker 13 Yes. And just, first of all, we wanted to be comic, so we love those guys.

Speaker 13 But the idea that we're the old guys is just, it just. It's just mind-blowing because in our minds,

Speaker 2 we're not.

Speaker 13 We're not, you know, in our minds, we're the same guys. But I know people, how can these guys have stories about the 80s?

Speaker 2 They're not fucking 80s.

Speaker 3 I remember hearing that Norm Crosby, who was maybe 56 at the time, was bugging his manager, Bernie Berlstein, really wanted a sitcom. And

Speaker 3 I was thinking,

Speaker 3 at that age?

Speaker 2 What is he

Speaker 2 at 56? Get the front out of here.

Speaker 3 I mean, anybody in our age group, when I went back to SNL, I'm riffing and talking to Marcelo. He's 27, and we're just like peers working on stuff.

Speaker 3 And I'm

Speaker 3 grandpa-age

Speaker 3 technically.

Speaker 3 I'm old enough to be the Marcelo's like, who's James Farrentino?

Speaker 2 And you're like, oh, he's a guy.

Speaker 3 But I would love to have had a podcast. If Carson afterwards, he quit the show, had a podcast.
where he was real and talking about stuff, might have been really fun.

Speaker 3 Didn't exist.

Speaker 13 And, you know, at his height, I think he was getting 17 million a night for a show that went on at 11.30.

Speaker 3 I mean, a year, right? 17 million a night.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 13 17 million viewers. I think

Speaker 2 17 million viewers.

Speaker 3 Yeah. At least.
Yeah.

Speaker 13 Not money. Yeah.
Viewers. Yeah.
Which is like, I mean,

Speaker 13 prime time shows don't, don't often get a tenth of that.

Speaker 2 No. No.

Speaker 13 But but what if there were four million other talk shows on?

Speaker 2 I know. Yeah.
You know,

Speaker 13 that's the difference between podcasting and broadcast television from that era. If there were four million people instead of just Alan Thick trying to dethrone Johnny.

Speaker 3 But you might find this interesting that the baby boomers for the first time, you know, when we grew up, it was 18 to 49 for the advertisers. That's where the money is.
Right.

Speaker 3 And the boomers have 78 trillion for the first time because the homes we bought escalated and everything.

Speaker 3 So the money is being tilted toward us, the bachelor at, and, you know, the golden bachelor, stuff like that.

Speaker 3 So it's kind of interesting that we're the rich demographic, unfortunately, for the young people.

Speaker 13 And you know,

Speaker 13 but a lot of that money is being transferred to the younger generations during the next 20 years.

Speaker 3 So by the time the kids 57, he can buy a home.

Speaker 13 Well, okay, but a lot of that money is just being passed down, especially when they're in their 20s and 30s. So I know

Speaker 13 we're squares and everything's bad and we ruined the world, but you know,

Speaker 13 they're not saying no to the money, I noticed.

Speaker 2 Oh no, we notice.

Speaker 14 The second half of the basketball season is here and the race to the playoffs continues on PrizePicks, the best daily fantasy sports app to cash in on your favorite sports. The app is simple.

Speaker 14 Pick more or less on at least two players for a shot to win up to a thousand times your cash. Download the Prize Picks app today and use code FIELD and get $50 instantly when you play $5.

Speaker 14 That's code FIELD on PrizePicks. They get $50 instantly when you play $5.
Win or lose, you'll get $50 for just playing. Guaranteed.
Prize picks, run your game. Must be present in certain states.

Speaker 14 Visit PrizePicks.com for restrictions and details.

Speaker 16 Tito's handmade vodka is America's favorite vodka for a reason.

Speaker 16 From the first legal distillery in Texas, Tito's is six times distilled till it's just right and naturally gluten-free, making it a high-quality spirit that mixes with just about anything.

Speaker 16 From the smoothest martinis to the best Bloody Marys. Tito's is known for giving back, teaming up with nonprofits to serve its communities and do good for dogs.
Make your next cocktail with Tito's.

Speaker 16 Distilled and bottled by Fifth Generation Inc., Austin, Texas. 40% alcohol by volume.
Savor responsibly.

Speaker 3 What in your

Speaker 3 poorest days? Just describe your apartment. How much was it? Did you have rabbit ears for a TV?

Speaker 2 Was it to live alone?

Speaker 13 Oh, I was really poor from

Speaker 13 college,

Speaker 13 really freshman year of college until I moved out here, I would say I really experienced what poverty was.

Speaker 13 Now, not to sound like Shecky Green or Alan King or guys in the old days, but I'm going to sound like it when I say, but we didn't know we were poor, you know, because we had, because we had love.

Speaker 3 That's a good character. You should do that.

Speaker 2 I like that guy.

Speaker 13 Well, okay, but like when I look back at college, oh, I lived in slums. My first year, I lived in dorm four, which was temporary housing housing built in 1945, which was still up in the 70s.

Speaker 13 My room was the size of a closet, which I shared with somebody. The bathroom was at the end of the hall.
And boy, did that stink on a Sunday night.

Speaker 13 Then there was Ithaca, New York. This is where I was at Cornell.
I mean, you moved into, you moved into a frat, which I didn't want to do.

Speaker 13 And also, of course, was not even close to being invited, but okay,

Speaker 13 let's just say I didn't want to do it.

Speaker 13 So you moved into college town, which were slums. I mean, it was like Appalachia up there.

Speaker 2 And these slum,

Speaker 2 these town slums.

Speaker 13 Yeah, shout out to Appalachia. These slum lords.
And they had this automatic supply of tenants because every year new college kids need a place to live.

Speaker 13 So they didn't have to make the places acceptable. They were horrible.

Speaker 13 And then I moved to New York. Oh my God.

Speaker 13 First, I lived

Speaker 13 in Spanish Harlem. I walked home every night at two in the morning from the clubs into a pretty rough neighborhood.
Never was bothered. They looked at me and went, this guy has nothing.

Speaker 13 He's just got the t-shirt on his back. And there's no reason to try to rob him.
And it was a five-floor walkup.

Speaker 13 The bathroom. It did have a bathroom, but it was just what they called a water closet.
It was just a hole with a chain where you could, you could take a dump, no shower.

Speaker 13 You sat in a tub in the kitchen with one of those attachments.

Speaker 2 That's

Speaker 2 good. This is

Speaker 2 up there. You got

Speaker 13 then I had my first apartment on 8th Avenue over a bus stop.

Speaker 13 It was at least my own. It was a, you know, a studio, which means, you know, one little room.

Speaker 13 But, you know, that was, and I used to live on the Blimpies that was across the street it was a dollar ninety for a three cheese sub that's what so like i love that i had that experience i don't remember loving it at the time but um it's good for you you know and i never i always had too much pride to ever ask i guess i could have asked my parents for a little help they weren't doing too well at the time either but you know it was just it was it just never entered my mind to like reach out because it was like, no, let's just, let's just thug it out.

Speaker 13 Yeah.

Speaker 3 And then how many years after your first set did you make a living as a stand-up? How long did it take you?

Speaker 13 Well, okay. So my, my rent at the shit box on 8th Avenue, it started out at 250, 250

Speaker 13 in 1980 or 79 or something. And then it was automatically rose 9% a year.
So say I was paying like $300.

Speaker 13 Yeah, I could make rent and probably food was like another $100 a month. So say my whole nut was $500.

Speaker 13 Okay, by 1980, I was MC

Speaker 13 at Catcher Rising Star. So you got $50 a night for that.
And if I did maybe one or two out-of-town gigs, I really wasn't. ready for that, but I took some and it was terrible experiences when I bombed.

Speaker 13 But okay, that's part of it. So I could probably live.
And I also sold pot. That was my, that was really how I lived.
So between the pot and the MCing,

Speaker 13 yeah, I could make my nut by 1980.

Speaker 3 Nice.

Speaker 1 I have a question about

Speaker 13 inspirational for children, isn't it?

Speaker 1 Bill, on your show now on HBO, what's that called again?

Speaker 13 Real time. And it comes back January 17th.
My special comes is on January 10th.

Speaker 3 Friday, January 10th.

Speaker 2 I have a real-time question too.

Speaker 1 Do you, I know there was an ABC, you left there eventually. You go to, I think it's straight to HBO.
You've been there ever since. And is there any,

Speaker 1 there must be some things you get into that

Speaker 1 ruffle feathers, or is there just kind of autonomy? You do what you want.

Speaker 13 Who writes these questions for you?

Speaker 2 Because seriously, that's shocking.

Speaker 13 I was just, that sounds like some producer at that question.

Speaker 1 No, it's AI. I just have to say that.
And

Speaker 13 certainly you you don't have a producer on the show. I mean, it's not a problem.

Speaker 2 He barely have me and Dana. We buy the mics and the lights.
We do everything.

Speaker 1 This is the most dog shit, low-end, lo-fi.

Speaker 13 Trust me, we know.

Speaker 13 But that's what works. That's what works about it.

Speaker 3 It's small club random. That's a sweet thing you've got.

Speaker 2 Those independent differences. Cameras.

Speaker 1 All ants. Yeah.
He's like, the club randoms like the bachelor. They have like cameras on the way in.

Speaker 1 We introduce them.

Speaker 13 Hey, we you and i are the last two bachelors and by the way speaking of that i i think a great show would be one of us yeah mostly probably me

Speaker 13 uh doing

Speaker 13 the the golden bachelor but like our real lives not with an age-appropriate woman because that's boring with an age inappropriate woman because you know what the appropriate age for a relationship is one that works yeah look at bill Belichick, 73 and 22, and they seem happy.

Speaker 13 Or Cher.

Speaker 2 Or Madonna.

Speaker 3 Exactly. Madonna, they go for the 20s as well.
It seems to me, and I want you to comment on this, when women get power,

Speaker 3 they seem to go younger like men who get power go younger.

Speaker 13 Yeah, absolutely. That happens.
Kate Beckinsale went out with Pete Davidson and I think a few other younger guys. And yeah, I mean, mean, and when they do it,

Speaker 13 when they do it, it's empowering.

Speaker 13 When men do it, we're perverts.

Speaker 1 Good for her. Yeah.

Speaker 3 I never felt that. I remember you said everyone wanted you to get married.
And I go, no one wants you to get married.

Speaker 13 People don't marry.

Speaker 3 But there are people who do, but I would think it's absurd. And I also think that since women are wired differently, it's not like they're with someone wealthy and famous.

Speaker 3 They're literally really attracted to the personality that

Speaker 13 does stuff i mean it takes a lot of something to get where you're at that's that's attractive to a woman yes well as we were saying before women are deeper um and we're going to keep telling ourselves that no uh it's

Speaker 13 but don't you but don't you think that would be a great show the the golden bachelor but you know with with women that david and i are attracted to, and that doesn't make us bad people.

Speaker 2 I keep getting it, David.

Speaker 2 Well,

Speaker 1 yeah, I don't think it should be me or you, but we should get a guy.

Speaker 13 Oh, it has to be a comedian.

Speaker 2 It has to be you guys.

Speaker 1 You should have a funny comedian.

Speaker 13 It's funny.

Speaker 1 Anyway, but yes.

Speaker 3 And you know what? The title of it is, and this is from Mickey Rooney about, because I asked him, how did you have sex with all those starlets? You know, he's five feet tall in the 1940s.

Speaker 3 He said, quote, money makes you handsomer.

Speaker 2 Right.

Speaker 13 What was the line he had when he brought, I think it was Jane Mansfield up on the stage at an award show when he was right at tit level.

Speaker 13 And he had some great line.

Speaker 13 You know, something like it's not bad being short. I forget what it was, but it was

Speaker 13 a great moment.

Speaker 1 Well, I think we'd be more normal if we were, if I was married and divorced, I would be more normal.

Speaker 13 More usual, yes.

Speaker 3 That never married. you know where did the phrase come up

Speaker 2 confirmed bachelor when is when is are you guys i mean

Speaker 13 yes in the in the old days that was i didn't no seriously i think i was said it about my code for for gay right yes that was a euphemism for gay okay just the way uh in hollywood a woman's director uh was uh code for a gay director.

Speaker 2 Oh,

Speaker 13 I think George Q Carr, for example, but if I'm wrong about that, please please don't say Jake Bay. He may have been the most he-manniest of the guys.
I think that's who I'm talking about.

Speaker 13 But there was once there were, you know, gay directors, and that was, he was a woman's director. You know, they were very genteel in those days.
They didn't say things outright.

Speaker 1 I've been described as a female comic, whatever that means.

Speaker 1 That means, I won't say. Okay.
So, Bill, thanks for coming. We can wrap him up.
He's a good guy.

Speaker 13 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 He's got a life, Bill.

Speaker 3 He's got a life to lead.

Speaker 1 We're going to give you your evaluation after. I'm going to, you know, he kind of barked at me toward the end, but overall, I think we had a good run here.

Speaker 3 I enjoyed it because, and you do this as well, as long as everything else you do, the best podcasts are when you're never checking the clock. And I didn't check the clock on this one.
I just.

Speaker 13 Oh, I could talk to you guys all day. And you're so funny.
And I know that sounds like I'm just kissing up.

Speaker 3 I don't think you're the kind of guy who thinks that

Speaker 13 I was just going to say, I think I have the credibility at this point,

Speaker 13 having lost 40 Emmys, that, you know, my billboard, I think they're putting up, they're doing a replay of one I had from 10 years ago. They were going over like, you know, you've been on a long time.

Speaker 13 They got to come up with new catchphrases. And they came to the end of it and they were like, oh, we're kind of, I could tell they were kind of afraid to try this one.
I was like, just say it.

Speaker 13 We don't have anything. And it was, he's not in it for the likes.

Speaker 13 And I was like, that I love that so fucking much. And so I think the one this year says, he's still not in it for the likes, which I love.
I'm not. I love being honest.
That's, that's my reward.

Speaker 13 So what I say, you guys, or the killing is funny is. You can take that to the bank, as Robert Blake used to say.
Whatever happened to him.

Speaker 3 He just went in to get his gun. It was in the restaurant and he came back.

Speaker 2 He likes Italian. That's all I have.

Speaker 3 He forgot forgot it, and then he went and got

Speaker 3 it.

Speaker 13 You both owe me a new club random episode.

Speaker 2 Oh, we're going to be on there.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God.

Speaker 3 I want to go on there again. That was really interesting.

Speaker 3 That was cool. I liked it.
I'm going to get blasted this time, though.

Speaker 2 Thanks, Bill. Miss you.

Speaker 13 Thanks, you too. Enjoyed it.

Speaker 3 Talk to you soon. Take care, buddy.

Speaker 13 Bye.

Speaker 1 This has been a presentation of Odyssey. Please follow, subscribe, leave a like, a review, all the stuff.
Smash that button, whatever it is, wherever you get your podcasts.

Speaker 1 Fly on the Wall is executive and produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade, Jenna Weiss-Berman of Odyssey, and Heather Santoro. The show's lead producer is Greg Holtzman.