SUPERFLY #62 - Johnny Carson S*x Life

Speaker 1 All right, cold mornings,

Speaker 1 holiday plans, endless to-do lists.

Speaker 1 I just want my wardrobe to be simple, Dana. I just want pieces that look sharp, feel amazing.
Makes sense, and I'll use every day. You know what I mean? That's Quince.
That's it. The best part.

Speaker 1 Their pieces

Speaker 1 make effortless gifts.

Speaker 2 Also,

Speaker 1 this season, Quince nails it. $50 Mongolian cashmere sweaters that feel like a treat every day.

Speaker 1 Wool coats that are both stylish and built to last. Their denim fits perfectly.
It's nutty comfortable, all without the high-end price tag.

Speaker 1 By working directly with ethical factories and top artisans, Quince delivers premium quality while cutting out the middlemen. So you get luxury without the luxury markup.

Speaker 2 I've been living in their cashmere sweaters lately. They hold up beautifully even through holiday chaos.
And Quince isn't just clothes. They've got amazing options for home, bath, kitchen, and travel.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah. I picked up a few for myself and a few to gift, and it's all stuff people actually love.

Speaker 1 Give and get timeless holiday staples that last this season with Quince. Go to quince.com/slash fly for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns.
Now available in Canada, too.

Speaker 1 That's q-u-in-ce-e.com slash fly. Free shipping, 365-day returns.

Speaker 2 quince.com slash fly.

Speaker 3 Ready to level up?

Speaker 4 Chumba Casino is your playbook to fun.

Speaker 5 It's free to play with no purchase necessary.

Speaker 8 Enjoy hundreds of online social games like Blackjack, Slots, and Solitaire anytime, anywhere, with fresh releases every week.

Speaker 11 Whether you are at home or on the go, let Chumba Casino bring the excitement to you.

Speaker 4 Plus, get free daily login bonuses and a free welcome bonus.

Speaker 5 Join now for your chance to redeem some serious prizes.

Speaker 6 Play Chumba Casino today.

Speaker 4 No purchase necessary.

Speaker 3 VGW Group Void War Prohibited by Law 21 Plus. TNCs apply.

Speaker 1 We are on Superfly.

Speaker 2 If anyone's still listening,

Speaker 1 is anyone still listening? We should show all that beginning because that's more interesting. How we both, well, you're too loud.
You're too soft. I can't hear you.
What's going on?

Speaker 1 That's more interesting. BTS.

Speaker 2 Yes. People, people

Speaker 1 are polished show.

Speaker 2 And thank you. I shouldn't say this for.
sticking to the script

Speaker 2 about the pre-planned technical difficulties. Your acting was terrific.
If this acting is in the Buzz Boy movie,

Speaker 2 to the moon. Oh, fun.

Speaker 2 I smell an Oscar nomination.

Speaker 1 Shum.

Speaker 1 Well, I will say, welcome to Superfly. There's lots to go over.
This is a big show, Dana. That's lie one.

Speaker 1 But no, it is a good show. I will say, I was going through the YouTube comments.
Some people, now they know we go through, so they get get a little spicy in there.

Speaker 2 Oh, they don't. Most people.

Speaker 1 No, they rile me up when they go like this. They don't like some story, some angle we took, and they go, stay in your lane, boys.

Speaker 2 I'm so, I don't give a fuck.

Speaker 1 What? Stay in your lane on the free show you're getting? They go, just stick to more jokes.

Speaker 1 And I'll keep peeping it. I go.

Speaker 1 Your free show isn't going the way you want. Are you okay?

Speaker 2 How do we do it every one? I know. And I think that does not sound like you know the real Jerry Seinfeld.
It does not, I believe that's someone using the name, spelling it with two wives or something.

Speaker 1 Jerry Seinfeld. Do you think that's Jerry commenting?

Speaker 2 I don't think it is, but I see sometimes I'll see comments and it's Jerry Seinfeld or Tim Dylan, or it's, you know, and I go, these are fake outs. Jerry's not

Speaker 2 staying in your lane. It's not going to happen.

Speaker 2 Stay in your lane.

Speaker 1 No, I will say sometimes if you get crabby on the

Speaker 1 comments, don't cry too hard because you get tears in your iPhone. You have to put it in rice.

Speaker 2 Sorry. You have to put it in rice and then you punch somebody because you're so frustrated.
And then you have to put that in the rice. You need two bowls of rice.

Speaker 1 God, talk about frustrated day. And I'll tell you one quick story that will bore the shit out of it.

Speaker 2 Yeah, and then I've got five bits right after.

Speaker 2 Okay. I'm staying in my lane.

Speaker 1 If you can get through this bitless story, I'm just saying, sometimes I go on the Daily Mail, which is also my friend refers to as the Daily Nailed, because they always just bust people doing stuff.

Speaker 1 It is funny. Daily Mail is, you know, light-hearted garbage.
I mean, it's really nothing.

Speaker 2 It's a ruthless, robot-driven algorithm, and they will do the most,

Speaker 2 the most kind of gotta click on it. And then they ask for your email.
They have these little, this little thing that says, M on a thing.

Speaker 2 And then you have to start getting involved with the algorithms.

Speaker 1 No, no, let let me tell you something.

Speaker 2 They just have to know about women sexually. Okay, you got me.
Boom.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Listen, you just want to click on some cute little story about Megan Markle like tripping on a fire hider. You're like, I got some free time.
I'll click on that. Sure.

Speaker 1 But they're all like, this person puts on a leggy display,

Speaker 1 you know,

Speaker 1 those kinds of things.

Speaker 1 This busty blonde.

Speaker 2 Cheeky display.

Speaker 1 Yeah, cheeky display. I think it's from Europe, whatever.

Speaker 2 Or per

Speaker 2 autumn.

Speaker 1 Right. So a bunch of culmination of dumb stories.
That's fair. I'm sure they would say,

Speaker 2 I think that's fair. I think you're in your lane so far.
You're in your lane. Your lane, Spade.

Speaker 1 Don't you go after Daily Mail? I'm not. I watch this garbage.
And believe me, I take the time to click the X's because there's 500 ads on the side. They pop in your face.

Speaker 1 They click, they block something. I'm just trying to dodge bullets so I can hear

Speaker 1 one crummy story.

Speaker 1 So, anyway, now they say every third story is like,

Speaker 1 this is Daily Mail Plus. I'm sorry, what's that? You can't read it unless you give us a $1.99.

Speaker 2 That's what I was talking about. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. You jumped ahead.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Kind of jumped all over your bid.
So what's the funny part?

Speaker 1 There's no real bid. It's just saying, like,

Speaker 1 I don't have an extra $1.99 to give. I like free garbage.
I don't want to pay.

Speaker 2 Look, that's really. Here's the thing.
You go on that thing. It's what they call a guilty pleasure.
I don't know who thought of that, why you'd be guilty.

Speaker 2 the reason you look at tmz and these sites is because once in a while because they don't give a shit they got a team of lawyers daily mail has 10 million reporters around the world just regular people here's 500 bucks

Speaker 2 and so once in a while they get it right and they jump regular media and that's why you look

Speaker 1 once in a while they said two weeks ago trump's going to do tariffs and crash the global economy so i clicked on it you know they predicted right i will say that it's like dumois there's ones that dumois did this smart thing where they go hey everyone's a personal paparazzi so rat out everyone you see at all times and there will be nowhere to hide in the world so that worked because then people do that but then they run into some legalities but you know overall

Speaker 1 it's it's same thing so daily mail i'm here to protest the dollar 99.

Speaker 1 they get there's so many ads and so many things in there you're making a killing You're making it so hard to read and watch already. And now, every third story about

Speaker 1 you know, Prince Harry, uh, yesterday he might have been wearing a bucket hat. Did he buy it or not? Click here.

Speaker 1 And I'm like, all right. And then it's like, don't try, no, no, no, no, don't try to get the free story.

Speaker 2 Click on bucket hat. Will I, but I want to click on it? Am I fascinated by what that guy sits on that ginger cranium? Yes.

Speaker 2 Am I going to click on it? Let me tell you this. The entire thing is written by AI robots.
I.e., I'll

Speaker 2 have a meeting.

Speaker 2 You can do one of the voices. I'll do one of the A voices.
How much should we charge for Daily Mail plus? 99 cents?

Speaker 1 $199.

Speaker 1 They will is not as offensive. People might be able to scrape it together, even though just the idea of it makes me physically ill.

Speaker 2 I do. I have what you call a release bucket next to me when I'm watching Daily Mail.
In case I

Speaker 2 get one on deck, what did Wayne's World say? What would Wayne say? If you girl, then I'm going to spew. If you spew, I'll get my puke bucket.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 But I'll tell you what, human beings were ready for the wheel. They were ready for fire.
They were ready for the printing press. They were ready for electricity.

Speaker 2 They were ready, maybe even for nuclear power. But are they ready for robot-driven AIs brainwashing us into rage and anger? Because

Speaker 2 if it outrages, it's contagious. And I'm staying in my lane.

Speaker 1 Well, I'm glad you're reminding yourself to stay in your lane.

Speaker 2 Well, I think that's the name of a podcast, the most boring podcast.

Speaker 2 We stay in our lane. Hi, we're staying in your lane.
Hi,

Speaker 2 it was sunny today.

Speaker 1 What is our lane? They're like, just do your dopey jokes.

Speaker 2 Well, I know that we seem as if it's entertaining enough that we have a script that we're reading from on the computer.

Speaker 2 But believe it or not, you know right now as much as we know about what we're going to say next.

Speaker 1 We have no idea.

Speaker 2 We have no idea. But I'm

Speaker 2 robots.

Speaker 1 You want comedy? Hire robots. I'm going to do

Speaker 2 boring. Yeah.
Then you want boring?

Speaker 2 That's us. That's us.
Stay in our line.

Speaker 2 All right. So I get comments on my, you know, do red, red, necky.
So, I wrote two 10 minutes ago. They're not very good, but they're red, red, necky, the redneck comedian.

Speaker 1 And he's been gone for a while, red, red, necky.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he's still around. And these are not my best jokes, but at least I'm doing them.

Speaker 2 Sure, he's a comedian, and jokes, his jokes maybe aren't the best jokes.

Speaker 2 Okay, here we go. Let's try one.
I'm gonna see if I can get a smile out of

Speaker 2 David.

Speaker 2 Not too much pressure. I'm Red Red Necky, the redneck comedian.
My mama said, Red, only bleach will get the skid marks out of your underpants.

Speaker 2 I said, do what you got to do, mom, because I need my tatty wilders before the Sadie Hawkins dance coming gets on.

Speaker 1 Let's go to the judges, Heather.

Speaker 1 Does she know what Sadie Hawkins is?

Speaker 2 Oh, she does. Okay.
It just felt funny. It just makes no sense.

Speaker 1 It sounds funny. Yeah, I like it.

Speaker 2 My daddy said, Help me change this tire, Red. I said, why? You've got four flats.
He said, Red, that power of observation of yours is going to take you far in life. Come on, get some.

Speaker 1 So he asked the girl to the dance, and then he thinks his underpants will come off.

Speaker 2 We're going back, one. We're going back.
Because, yeah, okay, I'll read it slowly like a professor. Okay.
Okay. Let's break it down.

Speaker 2 My mama said.

Speaker 2 Red, that's her nickname for her son, only bleach will get the skid marks out of your underpants. That's the setup.
I got that part. I said, do what you got to do, mama.

Speaker 2 It should be mama, but I need my tidy white back in time for the Sadie Hawkins dance. Come on, get song.

Speaker 1 Okay, tidy white is a funny term for a little underpants.

Speaker 2 I said underpants first, skidding. That's funny.
And then tidy white.

Speaker 1 Skidder marks is funny.

Speaker 2 Okay, do an assist. I need a better payoff.
I need my tidy white back for Sadie Hawkins. It's just not doing it.

Speaker 1 In case I get in a car crash,

Speaker 2 I need my tidy wider back in case I shit my pants.

Speaker 1 Because in a car crash, they say a lot of people shit their pants to wear clean underneath.

Speaker 2 Mama, I do not want to take a dump in my tidy waters if

Speaker 2 they got skid marks on them. I need fresh tracks.

Speaker 1 She's that might be a little lengthy, but yeah.

Speaker 2 I'm getting a smile.

Speaker 2 No, I like it.

Speaker 1 I like the breakdown behind the scenes of red red necky

Speaker 2 so the daddy says help me change the tie i said why you've got four flats and the dad well damn red it's that power of observation is gonna help you go long

Speaker 2 so that's

Speaker 1 well first of all it's good he's talking to both parents there's a lot of communication yeah uh and so the dad is teaching him life lessons and that's good he's he notices four flats yeah and i can't beat my classics like what's for dinner daddy i said daddy what's for dinner he said shit on a shingle.

Speaker 2 I said, this day just keeps getting better and better. Come and get some.

Speaker 1 They should pick up. That's one of the best ones.

Speaker 2 That's one of the greatest jokes of all time.

Speaker 2 The best one was the first one. And it's a little outside the lane, but he said,

Speaker 2 the redneck comedian.

Speaker 2 I met my sister only because mama took me down. Come and get some.

Speaker 1 I married my sister. Yeah, I agree.
That one is top 10. That's top five.

Speaker 1 All right. I know.
It's exhausting.

Speaker 2 I was in Sun Valley. I did a couple, Carson,

Speaker 2 getting polo.

Speaker 1 When you said last week, wait, last week you said you were in Ketchum.

Speaker 1 And I didn't know if everyone knew that Ketchum was probably a beautiful city in

Speaker 2 Idaho.

Speaker 2 It's in Idaho. It's next to Sun Valley.
And I'd seen the name Ketchum, but Sun Valley has, you know, it's like Valhalla. It's all the celebrities and all its gorgeousness.

Speaker 2 And I assume that Ketchum would be a shithole.

Speaker 2 But I got to Ketchum and it's gorgeous. And then I started reading up on the history of Ketch'em.
And it was about

Speaker 2 crooks and thieves would rob the bank in Winnemucca, Nevada, go up north into

Speaker 2 Ketch'em in Sun Valley to hide it.

Speaker 2 And this one sheriff was so persnickety and so persistent, he would get a posse and chase the bad guys up into the town to catch them. But in that day, it was just Sun Valley.

Speaker 2 And he goes, Folk, he goes, They go, Hey, hey, hey, Sheriff, I don't think we're going to catch them. Let's go back to Winnemucca.
He says, We got to catch him. You kidding?

Speaker 2 We're going to catch him if it's the last thing we do. In fact, I'm calling this pot of Sun Valley, catch him.

Speaker 2 Jeez, is this?

Speaker 1 We're stumbling back into a Red Rennecki joke.

Speaker 1 Can you go to catch him?

Speaker 1 You got skid marks and catch him.

Speaker 2 so that's how catch him came up these bandits would chase and have not had a bathroom break in 400 miles you can bet they got skid marks yeah thank you

Speaker 2 this is a running theme all right i can switch to carson because carson killed so hard in catch him that i love it and i don't know if i've done this one on our show okay i like the name i don't think i can top this name well first i'll do a warm-up one.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 Sorry, officer. I didn't know I was swerving.
I had a triple whiskey sour at Banana Dan's.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I like Banana Dan's. Banana Dan's, right? This is the one that won the day.

Speaker 2 Ketchum. Won the day.

Speaker 2 Sorry, officer.

Speaker 2 Sorry, officer. I didn't know I was swerving.
I had a double leaky giraffe at the desperate sponge.

Speaker 1 I'm laughing. Heather's drifting off, but Heather.

Speaker 1 Oh, she can't hear that well. She can't hear that.

Speaker 1 Oh, you can't hear Dane at all.

Speaker 2 She can't hear me at all. Then that's what

Speaker 2 we got to get her a mock.

Speaker 1 That's tampering your jokes a little bit. She laughs at all your jokes.

Speaker 2 But I saw you got a big smile at one of the great.

Speaker 1 I laugh at it because

Speaker 2 what was the sponge when desperate sponge? Desperate sponge. Yeah.
I had a little

Speaker 2 bit of a direct one.

Speaker 1 You can do those wrong because Desperate Sponge is funny to me.

Speaker 2 I don't think I can top Desperate Sponge. I've got a lot of feedback on it.
This is for anybody who wants to leave in the comments.

Speaker 2 We started out slippery monkeys at the hook and crook, two frozen soldiers at the windy summit. But now we have, you know, a double deckery vodka up with a twist at the desperate sponge.

Speaker 2 Desperate sponge is like, damn, how do you beat it?

Speaker 1 First of all, he's saying it like Carson is 88% of it. And then you just have to have a little funny puncher at the end.

Speaker 2 Funny name. Yeah, because it's some way of tapping into the 1970s.
Carson's pulled over that the drink places and the drinks.

Speaker 2 They send Carson to AA and he goes, I had a desperate problem and I had a leaky giraffe. Do you have a drinking problem? I think you have a language problem.

Speaker 2 There's no cocktail really involved.

Speaker 1 A lot of those places are closed now. I haven't heard of any of them.

Speaker 2 I've never been to any of those places. The Windy Summit is still there.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they're shutting down so many things.

Speaker 2 But Carson went to a and he goes i had a i had a uh i had a uh two slippery monkeys na at the desperate sponge i have a real question a lot of my lane but was carson a sex addict yes

Speaker 2 have you heard that

Speaker 2 i know a lot of things i know someone who dated johnny carson for a year when he was 25 when she was he was 55 she was 25.

Speaker 1 he said she had a slippery nipple slippery

Speaker 2 he should, uh, you know,

Speaker 2 look, I don't know if this is true. I don't even get sued, but he liked poppers, amyl nitrate.
Yeah, take some of this, and you'll come like a banshee. Oh,

Speaker 2 now I gotta laugh.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you're getting into the out of your lane.

Speaker 2 I'm getting out of my lane. I'm being blue and scatological today.
Yeah, let's go to clean stuff.

Speaker 3 Ready to level up?

Speaker 4 Chumba Casino is your playbook to fun.

Speaker 5 It's free to play with no purchase necessary.

Speaker 8 Enjoy hundreds of online social games like Blackjack, Slots, and Solitaire anytime, anywhere, with fresh releases every week.

Speaker 11 Whether you are at home or on the go, let Chumba Casino bring the excitement to you.

Speaker 4 Plus, get free daily login bonuses and a free welcome bonus.

Speaker 5 Join now for your chance to redeem some serious prizes.

Speaker 6 Play Chumba Casino today.

Speaker 3 No purchase necessary, VGW Group, Void War Prohibited by Law 21 Plus, TNCs Apply. Ready to Level up?

Speaker 4 Chumba Casino is your playbook to fun.

Speaker 5 It's free to play with no purchase necessary.

Speaker 9 Enjoy hundreds of online social games like Blackjack, Slots, and Solitaire anytime, anywhere, with fresh releases every week, whether you're at home or on the go.

Speaker 11 Let Chumba Casino bring the excitement to you.

Speaker 4 Plus, get free daily login bonuses and a free welcome bonus.

Speaker 5 Join now for your chance to redeem some serious prizes.

Speaker 6 Play Chumba Casino today.

Speaker 3 No purchase necessary, VGW Group, Void War Prohibited by Law 21 Plus, TNCs Apply.

Speaker 1 We can go to the headlines, but what else you got?

Speaker 2 I checked in with my good friend, the one and only Lauren Michaels

Speaker 2 and Lauren. And I want to talk about the good night incident with you in a second.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, that's right.

Speaker 2 But with Lauren, as you know, he's become very interested in the lively Baldini thing. But I just wanted to talk to him about last week's show and who's he got coming up in April.

Speaker 2 So, Lauren, how are you?

Speaker 2 So, he texted back:

Speaker 2 I think that lively will probably settle because I think Baldini's got the upper hand. And I texted, yeah, but who's the host coming up?

Speaker 2 Lively's team thinks that Baldini's claims will be debunked immediately. Yeah, but I mean, in May, or you have any guests?

Speaker 2 It's set to go to trial in March.

Speaker 2 I think it'll get nastier until it gets less nastier.

Speaker 1 Right. But any musical guests we should know about or any reunions?

Speaker 2 It's a classic sexual harassment.

Speaker 2 I think the evidentiary proof is there if you want to present it in court.

Speaker 1 He seems like he's not even answering what you're asking.

Speaker 2 Are you going to? I know it seems like he's ignoring my text. Are you going to go to Amaganset this summer?

Speaker 2 Reynolds also has a countersuit that's going to come in and Bardini will have to defend on both sides.

Speaker 1 Sometimes when he texts me, he put,

Speaker 1 I'm not believing what R.R. is saying.
I'm like, is that Ryan Reynolds?

Speaker 2 Obviously. This is the kind of thing that if you like it, you like it.
If you don't, you like.

Speaker 2 Right now, a lot, what percentage of people listening to us are right now ironing a shirt? Probably

Speaker 2 18 to 10.

Speaker 1 Let's see some hands. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Phones are lighting up.

Speaker 2 Okay. I have a couple more.

Speaker 2 I have one last one. The Japanese guy in an earthquake.
Oh,

Speaker 1 but you just got served out on a plate last week because there was an earthquake.

Speaker 2 But he, he got his building got retrofitted. He retrofitted his building because he's a little cockier on the phone.

Speaker 2 Retrofit, retrofit,

Speaker 2 retrofit, retrofit.

Speaker 2 You okay for earthquake? Retrofit, you mean

Speaker 2 retrofit, retrofit,

Speaker 2 Retrofit.

Speaker 2 And steam. I can't, you know what I have to do, David.

Speaker 1 No, the problem is you have to use two hands for that bit.

Speaker 2 The thing that you have, you have an arm. The next time you see me on this.

Speaker 1 Oh, for this. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I didn't have an arm because I'm doing too many act outs and I don't have a hand. It's too much.
I couldn't talk on the phone. I have retrofit.
No problem.

Speaker 2 Retrofit.

Speaker 2 We stand earthquake, you know, so

Speaker 2 or you need someone. You need like Heather to come there and shake the bit like shake the computer yeah heather can and be my my sidekick my my puppeteer

Speaker 2 all right so the morgan wall and we'll put this to bed it's big story this week biggest story in history we're the final word on it because between the two of us we've been to about 300 good nights yeah okay

Speaker 2 so

Speaker 2 First of all,

Speaker 2 let's break down the good nights.

Speaker 2 Did you enjoy the good nights? Because he just walked off.

Speaker 1 The good nights are the part of the show where you hear the doo-doo,

Speaker 2 doo-doo.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Like Cheryl, whoever it was, whoever it does now. Very melancholy.
Play the piano.

Speaker 1 It means we're out of show, but we've got about 45 seconds to get everyone on the stage, say good night. You mention the host.
You thank any special guests. You thank the music.

Speaker 1 And then you thank the cast. And then they do the credits and everyone hugs or whatever they do, right?

Speaker 2 And depending on the length of the show, the good night could be longer. Oh, yeah, no, people don't know that

Speaker 2 it expands or contracts if they couldn't fit in a sketch, and we've got to, okay, we're going to have a fucking three-minute good night. Yeah.
The band keeps playing.

Speaker 1 So then you, there's strategies where you can die in a vine out the good nights because if it's three minutes and you don't know it.

Speaker 2 Well, here's what he's just like, see you later. I don't know.

Speaker 1 He walks right into the fucking A camera.

Speaker 2 Half the cast members have COVID and he just got it

Speaker 2 but

Speaker 2 look

Speaker 2 good nights if it was canceled would you be sad i mean i know lauren's a genius you gotta have it audience loves it i don't mind it yeah but you know the strategy of like this if you're new you if you have a nose for the lens your parents are watching you want to get up front but you don't want to look like a greedy whore so you hang in the back and wait for your moment what i did when i was there in the fall doing Biden, whoops,

Speaker 2 go ahead. I would take a cast member or I took Alec Baldwin or I took a cast member and I put my arm around him, bring him up front and then turn them this way and that way.

Speaker 2 I did it with, you know, Heidi or Ashley.

Speaker 1 To show them off.

Speaker 2 Well, so that they don't have to be hungry for the, to have their mom and dad lens. And then I'd ask them, my mom and dad loved it.

Speaker 1 What you want is the host to immediately turn around and do a beeline towards you and give you a huge hug on camera. That's the ideal situation as a cast member.

Speaker 1 But the host doesn't know what to do either. They don't know how much time they have.
So they're just killing time and vamping.

Speaker 1 And then they're kind of eyeballing the monitor going, are we still going? So hug, hug, hug, kiss, kiss, kiss. You were great.

Speaker 1 I try to stay in the back row. We've talked about this.
If I was light in the show, I didn't deserve. A lot of times I wouldn't go to the Good Nights because I wasn't in the show.

Speaker 1 So I'm like, I don't, I shouldn't be up there.

Speaker 1 So that was my personal argument with myself.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Well, I almost, well, I shouldn't really say this, but this guy is an incredibly nice guy and

Speaker 2 brilliant song, songwriter and performer, Shabuzi. Shabuzi, what's his name? Shabuzi.
Shabuzi came up and he's such a big person that he

Speaker 2 picked me up. And then he got a, someone pulled him a chair.
He got me on my lap like I was a marionette. And I, I, yeah, you're a puppet.
I was a puppet, and he's too far ahead of me,

Speaker 1 dude. Jacuzzi, when I saw him backstage, he is crazy.
I thought it was Derrick Henry.

Speaker 2 He's the hugest, coolest-looking

Speaker 1 stud.

Speaker 2 I wanted him to, I wanted to just be friends with him so I could walk around with the gentlest, nicest uh personality. He doesn't wear his, you know, he looks like an NBA forward or something.

Speaker 2 Like, his size of man is like, I don't know, six, nine, two, sixty.

Speaker 1 And then he's, yeah, I don't even know if he knew me because I walked by and he goes, What's up, pussy?

Speaker 2 And I go,

Speaker 2 Was he the music guest when you did Hunter Biden?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Okay, so maybe he picked both of us up and we were both sitting on a pod.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he put me in his hand like Stuart Little

Speaker 1 at the Good Nights.

Speaker 2 Stuart Little was huge for me in the fourth grade.

Speaker 2 Don't hit me with Stuart Little.

Speaker 1 Is Stuart Little the mouse or the

Speaker 2 little pea pod and go down a river? Jesus

Speaker 2 has been amazing.

Speaker 1 He made a pea pod a canoe?

Speaker 2 yeah

Speaker 2 could do anything pretty inventive uh and they float well i guess they should float and they i don't want to troubleshoot the stuart little too hard probably you were probably in fourth grade in the yellow book or the red book you were still you're still trying to figure out how to say sea spot run probably

Speaker 2 oh my god this i've never been so insulted were you in the you're not in your lane dude were you in the blue book What's blue book?

Speaker 1 Does that mean there was a series of books where you got smarter, you got different colors?

Speaker 2 I felt bad because my brothers had dyslexia, so in third grade, they were in the red books. There's the red, the yellow, green, and then blue, and then this secret society with the purple book.

Speaker 2 Is that the smart people? Super IQ. I went in there, and they had a huge picture of you as a four-year-old.
I'm like, black and white photo. I was like, what? Who the fuck is that guy?

Speaker 1 No joke. Me and the Vietnamese kid used to walk down to fourth grade reading and math when I was second grade.

Speaker 1 So I don't want to over talk about that, but I will say this: to try to get some action, this was a panty dropper. We would do our times tables, and you get like

Speaker 1 a sheet:

Speaker 1 eight times 756, nine times 981. You know, you just go through them, but I was good at times tables.

Speaker 1 So you get them, and they go, teacher goes, just do it as fast as you can, whenever, no rush, you know, it's not a contest. It was 100% a contest for me, the only thing I could win.

Speaker 1 So I would do it, and you're just supposed to gently turn it over and wait for the class. I would finish it and go like this,

Speaker 1 and then I go,

Speaker 1 what's everybody doing this weekend? Oh, should I not talk? Are we not? Is everyone not done? Oh, so I shouldn't talk. Oh, shh, oh, people are still doing it.

Speaker 1 Oh, literally every other person is still doing it. Okay.
I'll just be teachers like, shut the fuck up. I'm like, no, I know.
I just didn't know. I thought we were all equal.

Speaker 1 I didn't know my intelligence level was through the roof like a skyrocket. So

Speaker 1 I did it. And then.

Speaker 1 And then I'm like, are we, can we talk yet?

Speaker 1 It was so embarrassing. The loud turnover was really my signature move.

Speaker 2 Okay, seven times 13. You have one second.

Speaker 1 Seven times third. No, I don't, no, no, no.
Dana, Dana, listen.

Speaker 2 Dana. 91.

Speaker 1 We, we don't.

Speaker 1 Seven times 13 is 91?

Speaker 2 Of course.

Speaker 2 Well, we don't go over. Well, sometimes brainiacs come in bunches.

Speaker 1 No, our little tests we did.

Speaker 1 I wasn't ready for that, by the way.

Speaker 1 Sometimes it was only single-digit, single-digit. But don't quiz me now.
I was smart in fourth grade. I told you I'm dumb now.

Speaker 2 I always hated 12 times.

Speaker 1 I got one.

Speaker 2 9 was 144, but I always hated 12 times 13 or 12 times 11.

Speaker 2 That fucked me up.

Speaker 1 The nines have a good trick because they always add up to nine. You know, 81 at, you know, 81.

Speaker 2 I was the smallest

Speaker 2 kid in my class in fourth, third, or fourth grade. And my best friend was Clinton.

Speaker 1 The smallest clit in your puss? What'd you say? Sorry.

Speaker 2 It's an X-ray to joke

Speaker 2 clem

Speaker 2 was my best friend and we were both about the same height and he was a math wizard wait who was the other guy clem chen was his name my oh is he chinese i suppose so i i don't i don't look at race i just look at people i don't see color i don't see names i don't see numbers i don't see letters yeah

Speaker 1 But he was Vietnamese.

Speaker 1 I had a Vietnamese kid named Shin Lawrence. And I just saw Shin.
He came to the show. Remember Heather? Yeah.
Came backstage.

Speaker 2 I was on a plane once and Clem Chen walked past me.

Speaker 1 Clem Chen. Now, this sounds made up.
Shin Lawrence.

Speaker 1 Is real.

Speaker 2 God is my witness. It was Clem Chen.

Speaker 2 And he was one of my best friends, third, fourth grade. And he was definitely a really smart kid, you know?

Speaker 2 And we were both tiny.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I was fucking microscopic. And when

Speaker 2 they did the uh cast picture the class picture you know yeah it starts with the teensiest and goes up it was me first then girl girl girl girl girl girl girl now we start the guys and the girls mixing in together talk about a sadie hawkins dance in junior high and then someone start crying someone you know crimson and clover was mine crimson and clover

Speaker 2 i get a renalized panic attack And then I go up to a girl who's probably two feet taller than me. Minimum.
Me too.

Speaker 2 Kathy Davenport. You know, and then it's like crimson and so humiliating,

Speaker 1 dude. Listen, I can't even stand until you get on TikTok and they're like, Where are my short kings? Short king, I don't like short king.
There, I said it.

Speaker 1 You can't add a word king and think it erases the first word. I'm like, Yeah, where's my fat queens? No, no, you're my plumpy princess.

Speaker 2 It's a compliment,

Speaker 2 you're a plumpy princess.

Speaker 2 I'm still processing short kings.

Speaker 1 Short king summer, Dana. It's coming back.
Maybe it's over.

Speaker 1 Maybe it's pip squeak winter.

Speaker 2 I don't know what it is right now. We're in the springtime right now.
I mean, it's a little early for the summer, but,

Speaker 2 you know,

Speaker 2 I don't like it. It's offensive.
Look, an

Speaker 2 80-year-old woman who weighs 70 pounds with a revolver can destroy any human man

Speaker 2 in about three seconds. So, this whole idea, like being 6'8

Speaker 2 and guarding everyone with a sword, that was a big deal. Now it's all about

Speaker 2 all about what's between the ears, mofo.

Speaker 1 I try to say that to people. They don't buy it.

Speaker 1 Girls are on TikTok, like, I went on a date last night. He was, he said he was 6'4.
He's only 6'2, but hey, short King Summer. And then he only made 400 grand, which is fine.
But you know what?

Speaker 1 Everyone's not a millionaire. He's fucking scratching and scraping.
So we went to dinner and I was like, oh, but

Speaker 1 he picked up the menu. I was like, he picks it up like a girl, but whatever.
Anyway, these are like girls reviewing their dates on TikTok.

Speaker 2 Well, why is this phrase exist? We haven't planned this. Okay.
Funny is money. Tall is, is there a thing for tall is?

Speaker 1 No, tall just rules the world.

Speaker 1 Tall, you need nothing else. Just be tall.

Speaker 2 That's it.

Speaker 1 Girls are like, the hunt is over. Actually, Marcella,

Speaker 1 Marcella, Marcella, Marcelo. Marcelo, our buddy from SNL.
We should have actually checked in with our correspondent, Sarah Sherman, to ask about Morgan Wallen. But we're still talking about that.

Speaker 1 But Marcelo had a good bit about that. I saw him at the comedy store.
Actually, did a set. We did a set about a week ago.
He was funny.

Speaker 2 Was it about being tall or short?

Speaker 1 He does sing. He's not that tall.
And

Speaker 1 he talks about it. You know, he's funny.
Funny kid.

Speaker 2 He had a good job. Let me just, a a couple couple things.
Al Pacino, like, if you watch Al Pacino, great ass. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 What are you gonna do?

Speaker 2 Where you gonna go? You don't know. What are you saying?

Speaker 1 I like the quiet.

Speaker 2 Oh, I told you. Oh, what are you gonna do, mom? What you gonna say? Well, I'm doing a little bit of scarface, but with him, oh, yeah,

Speaker 2 oh yeah,

Speaker 2 great ass. I'll take a flamethrower.
What?

Speaker 2 You got me.

Speaker 2 What was that one? Incentiva winning? I don't know where I heard it.

Speaker 1 I'll take a flamethrower to this place.

Speaker 2 To his ass.

Speaker 2 He took it to the girl's ass. I'll take a flamethrower to your ass.
Well, you're mixing it up.

Speaker 2 Our greatest movie star. Look at Godfather 1 and 2 and on and on and on and on.
And in recent things that he's done, biopics and stuff. But they didn't want him.
And for the Godfather. Says he's 5'5.

Speaker 2 Okay, that means he's probably 5'4.

Speaker 2 So which is 5'4. But Go ahead.
And Marcelo has this, and Marcelo's not, he's fine. He's probably, you know, whatever he is.

Speaker 1 With his hair, he's 6'1.

Speaker 2 Yeah, no, but he's a

Speaker 2 personality of Pacino. You never

Speaker 2 think about it or talk about it. Same thing with Dustin Hoffman.

Speaker 2 It's not an issue.

Speaker 1 You just, you just Tommy Cruz is 3'11.

Speaker 2 Tom, if Tom Cruise and I were barefoot and looking at each other, guess what?

Speaker 1 I don't think he's as tall as you.

Speaker 2 No, no way. No way.
But

Speaker 1 Dana's taller than you think.

Speaker 1 Every time I see you, I think I go, you're taller than I think.

Speaker 2 I'll tell you what, posture, man. Posture.

Speaker 1 No, I also think you slump.

Speaker 2 Anyway, I slump. But my point is: Tom Cruise, who's

Speaker 2 at this point, let's face it, a freak as far as a film. He's getting there.

Speaker 1 He's going to be a bona fide movie star. One more hit.

Speaker 2 He's in the freaky level

Speaker 2 of

Speaker 2 our movie star. So anyway, all I'm saying is whatever.

Speaker 1 I will tell you that to wrap it all up in a tidy boat, Morgan Wallen, my humble opinion was hot take.

Speaker 1 He just had to get out of there. Like, again, we were explaining the good nights.
I think he says good night. And they show everybody and he waves.

Speaker 1 Then he hugs Mikey Madison and says, hey, great time. Take it easy.
I got a boogie.

Speaker 1 And he split, I think, to go to another road gig. And he had a private jet.

Speaker 1 But I think everyone took more offense than it was. If it was a regular,

Speaker 1 some of those good nights could have cut off by that. I don't think he's trying to be.

Speaker 2 No, the only thing he did was, I guess, bother people or something. He Instagram or whatever he did.
Yeah. Get me to God's Country.
And he had a private jet there.

Speaker 2 Where's God's Country? I don't know.

Speaker 2 It ain't in Manhattan, apparently.

Speaker 1 By the way, it was such a story that he has merch now, no joke, that says get me to God's Country.

Speaker 2 I know.

Speaker 1 Did you know that, Heather?

Speaker 1 We can pull it up if you want, but I think it's in the shape, if I have a keen eye, of the Cooers logo.

Speaker 2 Old Cooers. Right.
Font.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 1 Yeah. But let's get to some

Speaker 1 fucking stories.

Speaker 2 Let's do it. We did it.

Speaker 1 We don't know these stories. We're going to try to figure it out.

Speaker 2 Oh.

Speaker 1 Katie Perry says she's going to put the ass an astronaut in a wild interview ahead of the all. Okay.
Dana, I have a good question about this because I read about this,

Speaker 1 you know, that all these females are going to space, right? Right. And there's, there's probably six.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 1 Okay. So there's Lauren Sanchez, we know, Katie Perry, Gail Kang, and three, I think, astronauts.
Maybe it's just all actual astronauts. So they're going to space.
So I'm reading this story.

Speaker 1 I've heard about the story for a couple of weeks. The training, the whatever.

Speaker 1 How many days do you think they're up there?

Speaker 1 My guess was 10 days.

Speaker 2 Oh, no, I mean, this is Blue Origin. This is this toy.
This is more like a toy compared to SpaceX.

Speaker 2 Uh, they are up in space for maybe three to four minutes, 11 minutes, Dana.

Speaker 1 Don't undercut, and you should guess really high.

Speaker 1 And then I give you the fucking news, and then you go, Holy shit, I know, I blew it.

Speaker 2 Let's rewind. Oh my god, three to four minutes.

Speaker 1 That's a space trip. I'm like,

Speaker 1 you could just go on the World Trade Center and stand.

Speaker 1 Bad example. You could go to the

Speaker 2 statue of Liberty and stand on the top of it.

Speaker 1 What else is tall? And just say, I'm almost as high as they're going to be. So I thought they went to fucking the moon or something.
I'm honestly so stupid.

Speaker 1 Heather, what did you think? No idea. No idea.

Speaker 1 You're training. You're going to space.
It's this big a deal. How about this is an afterthought.
You go, oh, you guys, yesterday was fun. We all got to go up in that thing.
We kind of buzzed around

Speaker 1 for 11 minutes and came back.

Speaker 1 Is that what people are paying 250 grand a piece?

Speaker 2 Yeah,

Speaker 2 you go, you go past the thin blue line of our atmosphere and you get into space and then you're waitless for a little bit and you're looking down.

Speaker 2 That's where William Shatner came off as a Billy Shatner poet.

Speaker 2 I can't believe I went into space.

Speaker 1 Spade is shocked.

Speaker 2 I will say

Speaker 1 that it sounds, listen, it's definitely interesting. I think it was, it's hyped up a little more of a big deal than it might be.

Speaker 2 It's definitely cool. It's yeah, I'm sure.
I mean, it's blowing people's minds.

Speaker 1 If I, but you have to learn how to float and learn how to do this and train underwater. I thought they were doing all that stuff.

Speaker 2 William Shaw.

Speaker 2 Hey, let's take a look at one,

Speaker 2 you know. So, I think people can do it.
I just think they're going to have to account for Lauren Sanchez, her, you know, the weightiness of her

Speaker 2 continue. Go ahead.

Speaker 2 I'm not going to say it.

Speaker 1 Inching out of of your lane, hitting the double lines.

Speaker 1 Here we go.

Speaker 2 Now I'm centered.

Speaker 2 Well, no,

Speaker 2 I think it's an incredible thing. It's just not SpaceX.
You know, they're not going to the space.

Speaker 1 That's what I thought they were doing.

Speaker 2 I thought they were going to go around the world in SpaceX.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 1 How about this, Dana? What's the belt or the name, I will know if you say it, where they're saying

Speaker 1 you can't. I've heard of Orion's belt.
Is that the one where you can't get through it without burning up? and they're saying that's

Speaker 2 our constellation

Speaker 2 If you're looking up at the night sky and you see something that looks like a belt

Speaker 2 I'm out of my lane right now

Speaker 1 What's

Speaker 1 Orion's belt loop then? Is that something else?

Speaker 2 The belt goes through it.

Speaker 1 I'm kidding, but uh

Speaker 1 I'm saying that there's

Speaker 2 Firmament.

Speaker 1 Oh, I don't know these words. There's something where they're saying if the people that say we didn't go to the moon say we can't get through something because you burn up.

Speaker 1 so we can only go up and come down, up and come down, we can't go all the way.

Speaker 2 Is that something they still be in the comments?

Speaker 1 I'll tell you that.

Speaker 2 Well, it's it's one, it's probably besides the takeoff, coming through the atmosphere is a very hazardous time. You have to really get a little

Speaker 2 hot and humid, little uh 3,000 million degrees. You don't want to be Colonel Sanders' wet dream for Christmas.

Speaker 2 That's not bad, not bad. I like that.

Speaker 2 Uh, I get lucky once in in a while.

Speaker 1 One more story where I absolutely have no knowledge.

Speaker 12 The holidays mean more travel, more shopping, more time online, and more personal info in more places that could expose you more to identity theft.

Speaker 12 But LifeLock monitors millions of data points per second. If your identity is stolen, our U.S.-based restoration specialists will fix it guaranteed or your money back.

Speaker 12 Don't face drained accounts, fraudulent loans, or financial losses alone. Get more holiday fun and less holiday worry with Life Lock.
Save up to 40% your first year. Visit lifelock.com/slash podcast.

Speaker 12 Terms apply.

Speaker 13 This holiday, discover meaningful gifts for everyone on your list at K. Not sure where to start? Our jewelry experts are here to help you find or create the perfect gift, in-store or online.

Speaker 13 Book your appointment today and unwrap Love This Season. Only at K.

Speaker 14 The second half of the basketball season is here and the race to the playoffs continues on Prize Picks, the best daily fantasy sports app to cash in on your favorite sports.

Speaker 14 The app is simple: pick more or less on at least two players for a shot to win up to a thousand times your cash.

Speaker 14 Download the Prize Picks app today and use code FIELD and get $50 instantly when you play $5. That's code FIELD on PrizePicks to get $50 instantly when you play $5.

Speaker 14 Win or lose, you'll get $50 for just playing. Guaranteed.
PrizePicks. Run your game.
Must be present in certain states. Visit PrizePicks.com for restrictions and details.

Speaker 2 In other news related to this, a Mr.

Speaker 2 Lex luthor gave a statement saying was he the guy was mine all mine yeah a mr lex luthor of belgradia uh claimed uh ownership you know i just ran into rachel brosnahan and she is doing the new superman movie

Speaker 2 i hope it's not up against marvelous bus boys this is

Speaker 2 yeah she plays lowest lane she plays marvelous she's great this is lois lane well wait a minute you're you're not going to go up against superman because it actually i don't know if the movie's going to be good.

Speaker 2 But the trailer was fantastic because he's lying out in the ice and he's really distressed. He's been hurt.
And he does this whistle.

Speaker 1 And then you see the Super Dog coming at you.

Speaker 2 And it's Super Dog from the cartoon. So, as a baby boomer, he's got a cape on, and Super Dog is going to drag him to safety.
So I was already going to buy a ticket just to see Super Dog.

Speaker 1 We'll see that, but you also get Rachel and Rachel, Rachel Male. I heard

Speaker 1 Super Dog says, Superman goes, Super Dog,

Speaker 1 he will poop on you.

Speaker 1 It's like triumph.

Speaker 2 Triumph,

Speaker 2 the insult, the comic insult dog? Yeah. Is actually.

Speaker 1 Do you think he auditioned for Super Dog and didn't get it?

Speaker 2 Because they go, no, you have to.

Speaker 2 You're too dirty.

Speaker 2 There is ice here for you to poop on, Superman. Yeah, that's it.
He is actually the bad guy in the movie.

Speaker 1 I will tell you one thing they might skip

Speaker 1 and Rachel's great. Superman's great.
I like these movies. I think I saw Superman versus...

Speaker 2 Well, I like

Speaker 1 whoever, man.

Speaker 2 And they fight.

Speaker 1 And I don't like when they fight.

Speaker 1 And the fight scene is a half hour. The truth is, if you can't kill Superman, you have absolutely no kryptonite on you.
None in sight. They just keep punching him.
He smashes a building.

Speaker 1 He slides down, flies back. Why do we need a half-hour fight for two people that can't die? I mean, it's fun, but let's keep it tight.

Speaker 2 I've seen it in the Marvel one. It's the Hulk versus Mothra.

Speaker 2 Neither entity can get hurt.

Speaker 2 All entity can

Speaker 2 be spent and recover in a tenth of a second. And it goes on for 45 minutes.

Speaker 2 Exactly. Thank you.

Speaker 1 Yeah, not one band-aid, not one arm sling, nothing.

Speaker 2 It's just like... Nothing.

Speaker 2 And they're never like, I'm still jarred from that fight i had two days ago no i'll tell you what though i assume the plot of superman and the sensibility is top secret but they've been trying to hatch this for decades because the original superman with christopher reeves is a masterpiece richard donner directed it you had brando since then no super batman went into dark reality like christopher nolan made it seem like fell down a cave this is why he's this crazy batman superman is a goodie two shoes so where do you go with that?

Speaker 2 So I'm curious if they unlock the key to make a great Superman movie in 2025. There I said it.

Speaker 1 I heard that this is probably not true, but Superman does a collab with Bonnie Blue and watches her screw a thousand guys. Is that true?

Speaker 2 And he actually has sex with 2,000 Ned Babylonians.

Speaker 1 And he tries to beat her because she's the bad guy. He says, I could beat that sex record.

Speaker 2 I'll tell you what, they should start on Krypton, start on the main planet, like they did. And what's her name? Betty Blue should be there.

Speaker 2 Bonnie Blue should be, and that's why they want to explode the planet because they're so outraged by her activity.

Speaker 1 Oh, or the or the bad guys are super horny and they and they enlist Bonnie Blue and the other girl to go have sex with everybody to wear them out a little bit.

Speaker 1 Well, Superman can just so Superman can think for a second and figure out what to do.

Speaker 2 And Krypton, the people of Krypton who live in a

Speaker 2 place called, and also create kryptonite, but they live on the planet Krypton. They also can have, they have sex for sometimes a million years at a time.
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Speaker 2 Well, that's is that too much?

Speaker 1 That's too far because these girls can do it for a day and then they're like in the ER, but it's worth it. They get the clicks.

Speaker 1 But if there are some bad guys from Horndog City or something that come down and

Speaker 1 listen, I don't have it all mapped out yet in my head, but well, I'll talk to her.

Speaker 2 I'll just say it to the audience. David and I had a casual story meeting at Warner Brothers, and we pitched these ideas.
We're saying them clumsily now, but we never got a call back.

Speaker 2 We never.

Speaker 1 I think, you know what I hate? What if this plot is in Superman and we're like, they obviously stole it from us from that meeting?

Speaker 2 Well, the one thing in the first Superman, Ned Beatty, who was in delivery,

Speaker 2 he played Gene Hackman too. And Gene Hackman, he played Gene Hackman as Lex Lewis.
He played kind of the dunce comic idiot character.

Speaker 2 well what do you want me to do mr luther i want you to get up and get out of here so that if they could bring back that character you know and then gene hackman was trying to name he was gonna have an earthquake and then california would be renamed all these cities named after lutherville or something yeah lutherville luther luther everything luther everything Gene Hackman was great and everything ever done.

Speaker 2 And I would say Greg Kinnear, not being funny here, could play Perry White extremely well.

Speaker 1 Greg Kinnear is Perry White. He's the boss of the Daily Players.

Speaker 2 Now get out of here. Now get me that.
Get you, you know.

Speaker 1 Who is it, J.K. Dobbins?

Speaker 2 Or J.K. Rawlings? I don't know.
J.K. Simmons.

Speaker 2 Yeah. J.K.
Simmons? J. Simmons, yeah.

Speaker 1 Who is it?

Speaker 1 Oh, Matt, that might be in Spider-Man.

Speaker 2 You got to get yours. Jesus.

Speaker 1 We're going to turn off the comments. People are going to just go nuts.
Okay, next story. We really did a good one with that one.
That was a good one.

Speaker 2 That was good. Seriously.

Speaker 1 Oh, this is. I don't know if this is real.
This is underneath the pyramids. We talked about the pyramids last week.

Speaker 2 Let's see if this is fake or not. Universal wave.

Speaker 15 Today, someone has finally made their way down the shafts that were found underneath the past.

Speaker 1 I like the first comment.

Speaker 15 Clutch your pearls, girls, because now you're telling me that as of today, doctor and archaeologist Raimi, I don't, I'm not going to try to say last name because I don't want to be disrespectful to the Egyptian culture, is the first human being.

Speaker 15 And have reported back what he found in the chamber at the bottom.

Speaker 2 And it is mind-blowing.

Speaker 15 Now, like always, take what you will.

Speaker 15 It looks a little fake. I have purposely not talked about this topic yet because I like to have my

Speaker 1 dislike talking about the pyramids. I like that if the pyramid is just the top of the iceberg,

Speaker 1 the pyramids are pretty big anyway, Dana. Have you seen them?

Speaker 2 Well, let me ask you a question, and Heather can look it up.

Speaker 2 Do they really know for a fact

Speaker 2 how that many thousand years ago they made the pyramids.

Speaker 2 Is that documentable or they kind of have theories of moving?

Speaker 1 You're saying the theory we all have heard our whole lives is that they built them in some crazy way where they rolled the stones or they did something

Speaker 2 each way, yeah,

Speaker 1 it sounds caves. And yeah, we can't even do it now.
And we've got

Speaker 1 cranes, and like I'm way stronger than like a normal person back then.

Speaker 1 He said, What is this you're saying? AI says, while we don't have a definitive, complete picture of exactly how the pyramids were built, archaeologists and historians believe combination of ramps.

Speaker 1 Oh, combination of ramps. This is what historians believe.
Even AI doesn't know.

Speaker 2 But they can't prove it.

Speaker 1 No, no, nobody knows.

Speaker 2 Not provable. So I say it's either some supernatural leap by human beings in Egypt or

Speaker 2 alien intervention.

Speaker 1 I think it's aliens.

Speaker 2 I think it's alien intervention. That's way more fun.
Let's get Dr. Greer on here.

Speaker 1 By the way, we're not that crazy when we think that aliens are real. I think people are finally like, I think they are.
I mean, look at the five million drones that are unexplainable.

Speaker 1 You go, some are explainable, but something's going on out there.

Speaker 2 Well, yeah, we should get Greer.

Speaker 1 I saw another guy,

Speaker 1 Jeremy Corbel. I met him at the airport.

Speaker 2 He's like, UFO guy.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he's a UFO YouTuber. And

Speaker 1 he said, I said, what about Giza? Because I just heard that day. I'm like,

Speaker 1 so we could always have him on.

Speaker 2 What about Giza?

Speaker 1 I'm like, fucking Giza, dude.

Speaker 2 Well, that's like the Super Bowl for these guys.

Speaker 1 They find out something new. They're like, holy shit.

Speaker 2 It's all going to come out or not. We have theories and then they're provable.
Einstein, just when he was like probably seven years old, you know, but probably his first words, he hasn't spoken yet.

Speaker 2 Albert, Albert, would you like some milk? And his first words he ever said was: Black holes are real.

Speaker 2 That was it.

Speaker 2 And so

Speaker 2 now

Speaker 2 we've proven that they're real. Einstein had theories of relativity, theories about gravity and space-time.

Speaker 2 Now we can prove them with our telescopes.

Speaker 1 So are those real? Do they all because I like the term theory? I didn't even connect that.

Speaker 2 They were theories.

Speaker 2 And then then that was proven, the time, space, and it was proven that if you go on a spaceship, the speed of light out, going to outer space, come back to Earth, you're the same age. Everyone's 150.

Speaker 1 Equals M's.

Speaker 2 So

Speaker 2 squared.

Speaker 2 We can theorize with string theory that there's more than one dimension that we're in right now. I mean, we have

Speaker 2 a fifth dimension. And they can sing harmony at a rate that no one has ever.

Speaker 2 Sorry.

Speaker 2 I still can't believe

Speaker 1 freaking space es is only going as high as the goddamn empire state building with katy perry

Speaker 1 it's really bothering me um

Speaker 2 i it's it's kind of i i got to admit i mean when you're sitting there about to take off you know it's just a rocket full of fuel you also know there's no pilot there's no way out and you're gonna go straight up oh i wouldn't do it i but you would i pay 250 grand no could you pay me 250 grand also no.

Speaker 2 What is your price? Because everyone has a price.

Speaker 1 I like when people go, I don't have a price. And they go, million? I go, okay.

Speaker 1 A million to shit my pants on national TV. I don't think so.
I would be so scared. I'd be like, let me out.
Let me out. And they'd be like, five, four.
No, no, let me out.

Speaker 2 Three, two. Let me out.

Speaker 1 I'm not joking. Stop it.
I'm going to sue you guys.

Speaker 2 But like we talked about Carol Leafer, like you got, she said, even in 2025, if they do three female comics, like ladies, night out, you know, they never go, that's true.

Speaker 2 The four men, they never go, guys are coming. Yeah, you know, but now it's like, can you believe four,

Speaker 1 six women could be in a spaceship altogether? But the truth is, they don't have to do that much, but also, I think they can handle it.

Speaker 2 Ladies, whatever it is, gravity is coming to you soon.

Speaker 1 What will they do? Katie Perry, or they both said they're going to bring their glam squad or they want to bring some makeup up there. I think they're just saying anything to be funny, or like,

Speaker 1 what are we expected to say? Because we're killing time in a press junk and about going 100 feet up in the air.

Speaker 2 All right, all right. What? Yeah, go ahead.
Let's hear. I'm going to pitch this because it's about you and Theo.
I'm going to make a couple calls. Okay.

Speaker 2 And I'm going to say it's going to be good for them.

Speaker 1 Off the successful buzz of Buzz Boys of the movie.

Speaker 2 A week before it's released,

Speaker 2 David Spade and Theo Vaughn go on

Speaker 2 Blue Origin, which is a great handy little rocket. You go up in your wait list, then you open up your shirts and it says,

Speaker 2 Busboys, you know, whatever it is, July 5th.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 I think back in the day when the space shuttle used to launch, that there was a

Speaker 1 maybe it was Sandler for Waterboy. They were trying to get an ad on the side of it.

Speaker 1 I think. I'm not even joking.
I think.

Speaker 2 That's interesting. It would have been great.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Because they had a lot of pull back then, and that was a big deal.

Speaker 1 Space shuttle. Space shuttle still go up or no? I don't know.

Speaker 2 No, no, they bombed out. And I was on a flight with Buzz Aldrin.
This is not a joke. And

Speaker 2 I talked to him a lot about being on the moon. I said, what was, you know, all that? And he says, you know, it's just science.
He had ice in his veins, that guy, but he was a very cool astronaut.

Speaker 2 But he was upset about the space shuttle. He thought it was way too complicated.
All we needed was what he called a big, dumb rocket to get stuff into space. Just a big, dumb rocket.

Speaker 2 Not this, you know, what they have, but what Elon Musk has done. Big, dumb rocket goes up, then comes down, gets caught, and can be reused.
That was the revolution, you know. But I'm from the 60s.

Speaker 2 We were in 2001. There was a Howard Johnson's hotel and restaurant on the moon.

Speaker 2 We're not even close. When was that?

Speaker 1 Oh, in 2008. That was 1968.

Speaker 2 And that was

Speaker 2 the civilians could go to the moon, and there's a moon hotel, moon base, and it's all cool. That I would like to do.
That's a drag. I'm not going to the moon.
It's not bumpy. It's all these people.

Speaker 1 It's dusty. You have to dust every day because there's just moon dust on everything.

Speaker 2 Well, you're not outside much. You're just inside unless you want to go see the monolith.

Speaker 1 I would go for walks. I got to get my steps.
I grind.

Speaker 1 Even if I take one step, that means I'm grinding. I'm trying to get my steps each day.

Speaker 2 How many steps?

Speaker 1 Rise and grind.

Speaker 2 6,000?

Speaker 2 Nope.

Speaker 1 6,000.

Speaker 1 I love that joke.

Speaker 2 Oh, that's good.

Speaker 1 I say nope, and then I say it.

Speaker 2 They have a new one that keeps track of your heart rate throughout the day with the steps and your average heart rate.

Speaker 2 If it's 120,

Speaker 2 not good. If it's down in the 70s or something, very good as an average.

Speaker 1 They have an app where you can fake the amount of steps you have. And if you're using this to get laid, this is embarrassing.
You're like, what's up, gals? Just checking me apps.

Speaker 1 Somebody got 9,200 steps today. And they're like, oh.

Speaker 1 And you're like, it's really only 6,400.

Speaker 2 Well,

Speaker 1 who needs that app?

Speaker 2 Who does that?

Speaker 1 And by the way, that app is not selling well.

Speaker 2 As Biden would say. And guess what? By the way.
And by the way, no, I'm i'm being real here

Speaker 2 bushmen out in tanzania or wherever ancient men and women they walk less than we do all they do is conserve energy like lions and stuff and then when they need it they really need it

Speaker 2 so we have plenty of steps all you have to do is get into a state a city seated

Speaker 2 squat every day for an hour take your calls

Speaker 2 and just squat down and sit there that's the best thing you can do best thing you you can do. Hip mobility.

Speaker 1 Iron squat against a wall, right?

Speaker 2 Well, you, or if you could do it out in the world, you know, you just squat like ambushman.

Speaker 1 Like, that's how people sit. I think

Speaker 1 some Asian people sit like that when they rest. You sit down.

Speaker 2 Vietnamese, because you're in the rice patties, and so you need to make a chair out of your lower body.

Speaker 1 But is this good for your body? You say, it opens up your spine. It's good for your body.

Speaker 2 Would it be good like we're doing it now? Probably not. But if you did it throughout your life, young people understand that mobility is a huge part.

Speaker 2 There's strength and endurance, but there's also mobility and

Speaker 2 the hip joint.

Speaker 1 I'm wound so fucking tight. Yeah.
All right. On that note.

Speaker 2 On that silly note. Anyway,

Speaker 1 people don't like me preening and looking at my hair. I can't help it.
I see this fluff over here.

Speaker 2 Well, you guys do a podcast because anyone could do it. And by the way, so when you're doing it in this situation,

Speaker 2 you're seeing yourself on staring yourself the whole guy. Here I am, just for the fans.
Here I'm looking at David. Ha ha ha.
Here I am checking myself

Speaker 2 Here I am looking up at you.

Speaker 1 The thing is, we don't look directly into the camera because I'm looking at Dana.

Speaker 1 But if I look in the camera, I look up here, which looks more realistic, but yeah, camera. I can't talk to Dana without looking at him.

Speaker 2 Camera, David, me, Heather,

Speaker 1 Katie Perry on the moon,

Speaker 2 Greg Holtzman,

Speaker 2 Heather,

Speaker 1 rats in my infested mansion,

Speaker 1 Gail Gail King.

Speaker 2 You got me on that one. She's on the road.
She's on the rocket ship.

Speaker 2 She's on the glorified airplane. The thing we're going to do is ask the chat room.
They have room for one more woman in American society to go on Blue Origin.

Speaker 2 Let's nominate that one more woman, Meryl Streep. And we will tell them next week who I'm nominating Meryl Streep.

Speaker 1 I'm nominating the lion that killed the people people because he wasn't having it.

Speaker 2 I like, I would, I would nominate Lady Gaga because on liftoff, she'd be like, oh,

Speaker 2 whatever.

Speaker 2 Here we go.

Speaker 1 Too, too, too, too high.

Speaker 2 James Taylor, ain't it good to know you're on a rocket ship? Give him a guitar.

Speaker 1 No, they'd be mad because when they're taking off, he goes, I've seen fire.

Speaker 2 And I was like, hey, whoa, whoa.

Speaker 1 Don't sing that now. That song's about a plane crash.

Speaker 2 Oh, please.

Speaker 1 Do you not know that?

Speaker 2 No, I thought it was

Speaker 2 an addiction, fire and rain, you know?

Speaker 1 No, just yesterday morning, it was his girlfriend got in a plane crash. Just yesterday morning, they let me know you were gone.

Speaker 2 Geez, Luis, that's such a brilliant song. Now I can't listen to it.
It's sad. Oh, you'll ball your head off.

Speaker 2 But I do like nominating someone. I want people to get

Speaker 2 creative.

Speaker 1 The plans we had put an end to that.

Speaker 2 Yeah, whatever.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, if you listen to it now, and everyone will tell me I'm lying in the comments. I probably am.
All right.

Speaker 1 Okay, Dana, I got to run. So just wait here for about 20 minutes.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I'll wrap up the show with Heather and Greg. And you have a nice cheeseburger.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, I'm going on tour. Where am I going? Oh, Boston.

Speaker 1 New Jersey is my next weekend. Boston.
Okay, I'll tell you more about it later. Thank you, Dana.
Perfect. For the people who waited.
Bye.

Speaker 1 This This has been a presentation of Odyssey Superfly as executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade, Jenna Weiss-Berman of Odyssey, Heather Santoro, and Greg Holtzman. Hope you liked it.