Jizz-Lane Maxwell Updates, Pest Control Tips & Joe Dirt Tunnel Walk

Speaker 1 Hey David, when it comes to gifting, you know, I've learned there are two types of presents, okay?

Speaker 1 The ones that get returned and the ones that instantly become a favorite. Do you agree?

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's Jenny Bird jewelry definitely falls in the second category.

Speaker 2 These designs, as you know, are very modern. They're timeless.

Speaker 1 Always feel special. Oh, isn't that special?

Speaker 2 That makes them my secret weapon when I want to give a gift that really, you know, lands. That's why Jenny Bird makes it easy.
The packaging is beautiful.

Speaker 2 It's very thoughtful. The pieces are comfy enough to wear every day.
Yep. And they ship fast.
That's perfect if you're a last-minute shopper like me.

Speaker 1 That's right. I mean, I just want to do this when I hear that.
Way to go. Way to go.
And because the styles are so versatile, they always make an outfit feel pulled together, David.

Speaker 1 Without trying too hard, David, not talking about you.

Speaker 1 Some of my wife's go-to's are the best-selling Florence earrings, which I always get compliments, and the Remy Bengal, lightweight, water-resistant, and just as good stacked as it is on its own.

Speaker 1 These are the gifts you'll actually want to keep.

Speaker 2 And you can get 20% off your first order with Jenny Bird by visiting jenny-bird.com and using code F-O-T-W at checkout. All right.
Cold mornings, holiday plans, endless to-do lists.

Speaker 2 I just want my wardrobe to be simple, simple, Dana. I just want pieces that look sharp, feel amazing.

Speaker 1 Makes sense.

Speaker 2 And I'll use every day. You know what I mean? That's Quince.
That's it. The best part, their pieces

Speaker 2 make effortless gifts also.

Speaker 2 This season, Quince nails it. $50 Mongolian cashmere sweaters that feel like a treat every day.

Speaker 2 Wool coats that are both stylish and built to last. Their denim fits perfectly.
It's nutty comfortable, all without the high-end price tag.

Speaker 2 By working directly with ethical factories and top artisans, Quince delivers premium quality while cutting out the middlemen. So you get luxury without the luxury markup.

Speaker 1 I've been living in their cashmere sweaters lately. They hold up beautifully even through holiday chaos.
And Quince isn't just clothes. They've got amazing options for home, bath, kitchen, and travel.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. I picked up a few for myself and a few to gift, and it's all stuff people actually love.

Speaker 2 Give and get get timeless holiday staples that last this season with Quince. Go to quince.com slash fly for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns.
Now available in Canada, too.

Speaker 2 That's q-u-in-ce-e.com slash fly. Free shipping, 365-day returns.

Speaker 1 Quince.com/slash fly.

Speaker 2 All right, we're pure chaos over here, Dana. We got it.

Speaker 1 Phew, man. These are...

Speaker 2 Welcome to Pure Chaos.

Speaker 1 These are, you know, they're not easy. People go, what is it like? I go, you don't want to know what it's like.

Speaker 1 I go, wouldn't I want to know?

Speaker 2 People go, Dana works hard on these. You breeze through it.

Speaker 1 I go, no, we both.

Speaker 2 I said, believe me, Dana comes out of the barn. He's like the Amish.
She goes out there,

Speaker 2 buses hump.

Speaker 1 Never,

Speaker 1 your thing is never let them see you working. Never let them see you sweating.

Speaker 1 I'm out there going, look at my funny voices. Like me, peace.

Speaker 2 Mine is never

Speaker 1 work.

Speaker 2 No, I tell Gervitz, I go, I like to, I like to,

Speaker 2 I go, I like, I want a job, but I don't want to work. Yeah, I guess you don't like money.

Speaker 1 You do like money.

Speaker 1 You don't like money.

Speaker 2 I'm your miss.

Speaker 2 Someone I knew ran into him, and of course, he went through all of it. Really? Hans? Hey, handsome.

Speaker 1 Oh, who's funnier than you?

Speaker 2 Yeah, he goes, I'm having lunch with Spade. And he goes, Yeah.
Would you lose a bet?

Speaker 1 He's got his tricks. Full quips.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And I go, hey, where are you having lunch, Gervitz? And he goes,

Speaker 2 information is power. Money never sleeps.
Strictly needs a no basis.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he's got them all lined up. Man.

Speaker 1 He just, he repeats them all right before he falls asleep.

Speaker 2 I thought I was going to get more for that. The landscape has changed.

Speaker 1 Good night, manager. Landscape has changed.
Who's funny than you, Handsome? Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 All right. Call you back.
Are you going to call me back on what? That's just how he hangs up.

Speaker 2 Call you back.

Speaker 2 Call me back.

Speaker 2 Anyway, Dana, what's been going on? We've had a week off. Let's catch me up on your stuff.
I'll catch you up.

Speaker 1 All right. Well, I have a few current event things that piqued my interest.
So it looks like they may,

Speaker 1 it probably won't happen anytime in the next week or something, but Ghisane. Ghislaine, you can't make that up.
I looked it up. That's the correct pronunciation.
Ghislaine Maxwell.

Speaker 2 Ghizzy Lane.

Speaker 1 You're in my

Speaker 1 bungalow.

Speaker 2 What's the

Speaker 2 possible correct pronunciation? Go ahead. Ghislane.
Let's just call her Ghislane. Ghislaine.

Speaker 1 So I'm imagining that she's in front of a congressional hearing, and I'm also acknowledging to myself that I don't know what she talks like. She's never really spoken.
So here is Senator John Kennedy.

Speaker 1 He's in on it. He's a well, he's a Congress guy.

Speaker 1 Miss Ghislaine, is that your real name? Did I get that right?

Speaker 1 You were sort of what we call the point person for Mr. Jeffrey Epstein.
Is that correct? Did I

Speaker 1 get that right?

Speaker 1 And what was your job in that scenario? And we don't know what she's going to sound like.

Speaker 1 Well, you know, when I was on the island with Jeffrey, I set up the lounge chairs and get the sunscreen in the water for everybody.

Speaker 1 And then if a VIP wanted a date, I would go and look in the bungalows and make sure the hidden cameras were working properly. I'd wipe off the lens, you know.
I think that's what we call

Speaker 1 in Louisiana a bombshell. Did I get that right?

Speaker 1 I don't know if it's a bombshell. It was just another day on the island.

Speaker 2 It's a day at the office.

Speaker 1 So that's it.

Speaker 2 I like it. Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's one of mine. What do you got? Let's go.

Speaker 2 Put the water wings on the girls and

Speaker 2 make sure the blackmail stuff is all lined up.

Speaker 1 Make sure the cameras are recording properly.

Speaker 1 We want to make our guests happy, but no one knows what she talks like. Maybe she'll talk like that.
Maybe that would be my best impression.

Speaker 2 If she gets in court, they're trying to drag her in court, right? Drag her.

Speaker 1 They want to drag her in, and this thing is just going on, and they're going to interview her. She's the last living person that has all the records.
I don't know. I'm just saying it's still a story.

Speaker 2 Right. And she was really Robin.
It was really Batman and Robin. So if Robin's there, you want to try to get some info.
They say, oh, there's nothing to worry about because he's dead.

Speaker 2 But I think she's more worried about all the alive people that are on.

Speaker 1 tapes or something. Right.
If

Speaker 2 these people did something illicit on an island with underage whatevers, then maybe we have the right to know though i think those uh powerful people are nagging at her in the back of her head like they might be a problem if i rat everyone out but hopefully something comes from it um yeah

Speaker 2 the other uh when i was going i stopped in arizona i went to a morgan wallen concert

Speaker 2 or as my mom calls him wallen morgan which actually sounds like a real name Wawal Geegan.

Speaker 1 Wawa Geegan.

Speaker 2 Isn't that his name? There's a lot of country guys out there.

Speaker 2 Morgan Wallen is doing very well.

Speaker 1 I like Shabadabadoo.

Speaker 2 Oh yeah, Shabbadoozi Jafluzi we had on SNL.

Speaker 1 Yeah yeah. So what is Morgan, what's he doing? What's he up to?

Speaker 2 So Morgan

Speaker 2 he had two shows there and at the Cardinals Stadium. So he can do stadiums, right? He has two nights.

Speaker 1 So I love it.

Speaker 2 He has someone from I've seen this on you know Instagram or something. He has someone

Speaker 2 preferentially from that city walk him out. So I've seen, so you know, if you're at a stadium, it's a long walk from the dressing room, like when the team comes out of the tunnel.

Speaker 2 But before that, he's got a dressing room in the middle of the stadium and he walks out. So hang on with that video.
But so he says, hey, why don't you

Speaker 2 he asked Theo to call me and say, would Spade ever want it?

Speaker 2 He likes Joe Dirt. He goes, would he ever come out as Joe Dirt?

Speaker 1 Walk me out.

Speaker 2 Okay. So I'm intrigued.

Speaker 2 I said, I don't know. Then I go, you know what?

Speaker 2 It kind of would be fun. This is kind of the place to do it.
So, Heather and I dusted off an old Joe Dirt wig, and then we

Speaker 2 mull it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, a real one from

Speaker 2 Joe Dirt 2. And then I found my real janitor shirt from one.

Speaker 2 I said, I don't want to walk out with you. Why don't you come and pick me up along the way? Because it's too long of a walk to be funny or anything.
So here it is. We'll just show you a

Speaker 1 clip. Okay.
Okay, put the volume on.

Speaker 2 Let's see.

Speaker 2 So he's playing a song.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 2 there we go.

Speaker 1 Oh, they knew right away.

Speaker 2 So you can see the crowd underneath. It's on the big screen.

Speaker 2 There's Heather filming this. You see, it's on the screen also.

Speaker 3 60,000.

Speaker 2 It's hard to think of little bits to do.

Speaker 1 Well, because it's all mime-y, visual.

Speaker 2 Little Huggin, I run off like Joe Dirt when Kid Rock yells at me.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Super fun. You didn't get to talk as Joe Dirt.

Speaker 2 No, it was enough where they just saw, they could see that it was a, but it was good. They remember Joe Dirt and they recognize it and then it was fun because it totally fits in with Morgan.

Speaker 2 He's got a mullet and he's a big superstar.

Speaker 1 Well, you know, I mean, did you have any sense that maybe you go with the shirt like this and it said fly on the wall? Now on

Speaker 2 laser disc. Oh, yeah.
Fly on the wall now in even more confusing times.

Speaker 1 Our motto is keep them guessing.

Speaker 2 I think we should tell people that are confused, just keep checking.

Speaker 2 There will be two a week, and there will still be two a week, so you will catch them.

Speaker 1 And as if we're not confused, I mean, like, kind of have some empathy for our position.

Speaker 2 It's Monday, Thursday. It's not any of the days it was, which would have helped, but it's Monday, Thursday.

Speaker 1 Okay, this just came in. I don't know if it's true, but

Speaker 1 Ghisane got

Speaker 1 a got a call in jail and I guess they released a recording. Let me just play it.
Well, I'll just sort of. I listened to it when you're doing could you act it out? Yeah, she's like, Hello, who is this?

Speaker 1 You're not gonna go anywhere, are you? You're not gonna

Speaker 1 what? Who is this?

Speaker 1 I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't testify if I were you, but some of the guy could do it.

Speaker 1 Who's that?

Speaker 2 Trump's telling him?

Speaker 1 What's it? Does it sound like Trump?

Speaker 2 I mean, I would guess if I had to say that.

Speaker 1 No, what I heard in the recording was, don't do it, don't do it. And if you look at it and you think about it, you wouldn't do it.
She's like, what are you talking about?

Speaker 1 Should I fix the secret cameras? That was what I heard. And I don't even know if that's real.

Speaker 1 Speaking of Trump, can I do a current event?

Speaker 2 100%.

Speaker 1 So now he came out today, and this will be an ongoing story, that Russia was the ringleader for the Russian, Russia. Obama was the ringleader for the Russian Republic.
I did hear this. Yes.

Speaker 1 And so I heard, this is on Daily Mail, that Springsteen called him to offer support. You know, like, hello, who is this? That's Bruce Springsteen.
How are you doing, Mr. President? I'm doing fine.

Speaker 1 What's up? I heard Trump threaten you. I just want you to know I got your back.

Speaker 1 Oh, okay, but I think I can handle it myself. No, I got your back.
Believe me, I got my boots on, my big boy pants, and my cowboy hat, that's six feet of Bruce Springsteen coming right at you.

Speaker 1 All right, talk to you later. I'll keep that in mind, Bruce.
Six feet of pure Springsteen coming right at you. All right.
I think it's not a problem. I'm going to fuck him up.
Fuck up, Michelle.

Speaker 1 Talking to Bruce. I'm going to fuck him up.
Boom.

Speaker 1 So these are just things I hear. Do you want to do one? We're baking a fun cake today.
I just wanted to say that.

Speaker 2 I like these are what everybody wants. Short little fun cake.

Speaker 2 This time of year, cozy feels like the ultimate luxury. And Bombas is making it easy to get there.
From socks to slippers to tease, every piece is designed to make you feel instantly at home.

Speaker 2 I got to say, there's something almost magical about the fresh Bombas socks. And it doesn't stop there.
Their slippers have the perfect sink and cushioning. Their tees feel substantial and comforting.

Speaker 2 And all of it keeps that cozy feeling going day after day. I got the socks right here, actually.

Speaker 1 Gift giving, David, has never been simpler.

Speaker 1 Either running socks for the marathon or soft and snug baby socks for the tiniest toes, slippers or tees for literally anyone on your list, even your mom's new ski lodge friend.

Speaker 1 Bombus has something for every foot, every style, every occasion.

Speaker 2 And here's the part I love most. For every item you buy, Bombas donates one to someone facing homelessness.

Speaker 2 So when you treat yourself or someone else to cozy, you're spreading that warmth far beyond your own home. Head over to bombas.com/slash flywall and use code flywall for 20% off your first purchase.

Speaker 2 That's bombas.com slash flywall. Code flywall at checkout.

Speaker 3 Hey, everybody, it's me, Bill Maher.

Speaker 3 If you're not watching or at least listening to Club Random, you're really missing something good and something unique because I don't think we look or sound like any other podcast.

Speaker 3 And that's by design. My life's quest has been to do some kind of show that captured the level of intimacy and the lack of artifice you would see if you saw me off-camera talking to a friend.

Speaker 3 No one else in the room, plenty of pot and booze, and nothing planned. This is a show where I get high talking to someone I'm interested in to get to know and to laugh with.
It's not an interview.

Speaker 3 It's wild. And I'm having a ball and the guests are having a ball and you will too.

Speaker 3 So please follow Club Random with Bill Maher and see new episodes every Monday on Apple, Spotify, YouTube, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Speaker 2 You know, when it gets colder, I always fall in the same trap. Heavy meals, too much takeout, and suddenly I'm like, why do my jeans hate me?

Speaker 1 I know. Yeah, me too.
I mean, I'll open the fridge in December and it's like half a pizza and an orange from 1997. Not a lot of healthy options, David.
But here's the thing.

Speaker 1 Staying on track doesn't have to be impossible. Our new friends at forkfulmeals.com totally flips that script.

Speaker 1 Honestly, I didn't think I'd stick with it, but these meals show up fresh every week, chef-prepared, real food, not frozen mystery mush.

Speaker 1 Just heat it, eat it, and boom, you're not calling DoorDash for the fifth time that week.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's not just about eating better. It's about time.
I'd rather spend 30 minutes working on a bit for my hilarious act than 30 minutes staring into my oven going,

Speaker 2 is this thing even on?

Speaker 1 Right?

Speaker 1 This is that one little thing that keeps you sane during the cold months. No stress, no junk, just done.

Speaker 1 But here's the deal: do it now. If you wait till the holiday slump hits, you'll be knee deep in stuffing and regret.
Head to forkfoldmeals.com and use the code POD50 for 50% off your first order.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 2 That's forkfulmeals.com. Code POD50.

Speaker 2 That's Pod50. Seriously, don't wait.
Your future self will thank you.

Speaker 1 Yes. Thank you for not feeding me the leftover lasagna for the 12th time.

Speaker 1 this is something up your alley you could lean in on this first liam neeson and pamela anderson are an item

Speaker 1 yes

Speaker 2 yes good luck

Speaker 1 i have skills

Speaker 1 remember taking good luck

Speaker 1 i have skills

Speaker 1 listen miss anderson I've got skills I've acquired as a lover.

Speaker 1 In the bedroom,

Speaker 1 make me a dream boat for a bay watch little beauty like yourself.

Speaker 1 You're kind of intense. I know.
I was born intense.

Speaker 2 Fuck yeah, he's a stud, dude.

Speaker 1 I hope they are going out.

Speaker 2 I like her. I like him.

Speaker 1 Yeah, she's cool. I hope Naked Gun is good.

Speaker 2 I mean, it's funny to do the Leslie Nielsen part. It's ballsy, but he's kind of a funny guy to do it because he's so serious.

Speaker 1 The more serious he plays, you can't play it too serious and too serious.

Speaker 2 I'm going to see it. I want to to see it, and I'll give a full effing review.

Speaker 1 You can't play it too serious, Mr. Spade.
I have skills I've acquired. Shut up.
Okay.

Speaker 2 Maybe he'll start that speech. He better do it in the movie, is it, Joe?

Speaker 1 Oh, I bet he must do a part of it in the movie. That's just

Speaker 1 of all the kind of guys over 60 that want to be action heroes, he got taken, and that still has not been topped. And that speech was, you know, just incredible.
Whoever wrote it.

Speaker 2 By the way, every movie I've seen him since is like taken from an igloo, taken from it's all the exact same movie, but just a different surroundings.

Speaker 2 They wronged him, and now he's going to write it.

Speaker 1 And they said, hey,

Speaker 1 Liam, could you not say skills this time, but kind of this, all right, all right, roll the cameras. I have talents that you can't believe.
Yeah. Talents that make me a nightmare.
Cut.

Speaker 1 Can you not say nightmare? All right, roll the cameras.

Speaker 2 I'm in Video Village while you're doing this.

Speaker 1 I'm like, I have cameras.

Speaker 1 I have talent that

Speaker 1 make you feel bad

Speaker 1 if you come in contact with my talents. I'm Leon Neeson.
Hey, Cott, don't say the name. Your character's name is Joe.
Oh, it's his name, Joe. I'm Joe.
I'm Joe, and I've got a dream of hurting.

Speaker 1 I have a dream. I want to.

Speaker 1 My name is Joe Dirt. And I am.
You're way off. I have a year, right? Go ahead.

Speaker 2 He says, you know, I have a dream. And they're like, don't say I have a dream.
It sounds like Martin Luther King. And he goes, okay.

Speaker 1 I'm the guy from Taken.

Speaker 2 They go, no, don't say that either. Don't say the guy from Taken.

Speaker 1 Yeah. They go, I have a rowboat.
Cut, what does that have to do with this scene? You're in a warehouse in the middle of nowhere, 20 guys with machine guns. I know, I thought it sounded good.

Speaker 2 I've got a rowboat that if you're going to make there was a flood, and he goes, I have a particular paddle boat.

Speaker 2 And I know how to paddle, and I know where you are.

Speaker 1 I have a bowl of mashed potatoes that I could smash in your face and make you dream bad things at night. Cut.

Speaker 2 We might call them smash potatoes after. Thanks.
I just wanted to add that.

Speaker 1 Did we get that where we cut already?

Speaker 1 Any kind of gruff voice is suddenly. Hi, I'm Pamela Anderson.
Hey.

Speaker 1 Hey, she's cool.

Speaker 1 Why?

Speaker 2 That's a nice beaver. Thank you.
I stuffed it myself.

Speaker 1 That's from the real show. Oh, that's from the show.
That's from your real show.

Speaker 2 Naked Gun.

Speaker 2 You know, Naked Gun 33 and the 3rd was directed by

Speaker 1 Tom Hanks.

Speaker 2 Pete Siegel.

Speaker 1 Pete Siegel. Pete Siegel.
I like those.

Speaker 1 And I do think that if there is such a thing as timing, having a naked gun, just ridiculous last per second comedy right now, I think they've hit the zeitgeist right now. We could use it, I think.

Speaker 2 We could all use a lot. of time.

Speaker 1 We could use it all the time, but especially today.

Speaker 2 Especially in this climate.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Okay, what else? You have other stories, don't you? And then we'll get to the regular story.

Speaker 1 Well,

Speaker 1 this is a story. This is a news flash.
So we had a pest.

Speaker 2 Oh, I heard about this. Okay.
We're hearing noises all over the chat rooms.

Speaker 1 Noises in the attic.

Speaker 1 Now I'm thinking, it's nothing. You know,

Speaker 1 These are phones?

Speaker 1 It sounded like a phone.

Speaker 1 The old dial rotary, and then it's like,

Speaker 1 and then under the thing, it is going,

Speaker 1 yo, it just sounded like Joe Dirt.

Speaker 1 So this went on for two weeks.

Speaker 2 Maybe they're playing clips in the Morgan Wallen walkout.

Speaker 2 The animals.

Speaker 2 Do you think it's a raccoon? What do you think?

Speaker 1 I immediately go to rat.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. I go to rat.
And so

Speaker 1 we had a super happy, cool pest control guy. What's up, man? All right.
So we showed him how he could get in the attic, in the garage. And he goes, I am so going up there, man.
I'm so going up there.

Speaker 1 All right. That's really cool.

Speaker 1 I got a new ladder. You want to see it? You know, the guy was like, so then I come back.
I go, how was it? He goes, hey, guess what?

Speaker 1 I found a cute little feller and it was a little mouse that got into a sticky trap we didn't even know there were sticky traps up there with a little mouse it was quick he goes here's this little feller yeah he's cute though you know well that'll be 648

Speaker 1 so my wife i couldn't hear she closed the door i heard her say

Speaker 1 What was she talking about?

Speaker 2 She was making out with an aardvark in the other room.

Speaker 1 but basically, we heard noise. We got a guy, and he was very cool.
Man, I was so happy to be out here and help you folks. You know, just one of those nice, don't you have stories like that on your

Speaker 2 boat? I like the guy, he might have been a little starstruck by you.

Speaker 1 Well, he started calling me Dana, which is pretty cool. I had sunglasses on inside just to be sort of cool.
And

Speaker 1 I just was like, so you really like just crawling in attics where there's rats and feces?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I do, man. It's a calling, dude.
I like it, Dana.

Speaker 1 Hey, Dana. Hey, how's that guy, David, on the on the podcast?

Speaker 1 I saw him at Morgan Wallin' show. I was out there, and he came out,

Speaker 1 but they didn't let him talk. So I'd heard that story before the podcast.

Speaker 2 You know, it's funny, we were talking, and they go, you can't hear Morgan.

Speaker 2 Well, he said, you know, I have this earpiece in and I can't hear anything. And then when he come out, he goes, so when did you come in while we're walking out?

Speaker 2 He's trying to have a normal conversation.

Speaker 1 I'm like, oh, hey,

Speaker 2 I got in last night, but I'm leaving in the morning.

Speaker 1 And he's like, oh, cool.

Speaker 2 So I, how long, you know, Theo, a long time. Theo says you're a cool guy.
So we're talking. Meanwhile, the crowd's yelling.
And I'm like, hang on, I got to do this.

Speaker 1 What's up, huh?

Speaker 2 But when I was in his dressing room and we were bullshitting, and then I put on that wig and everything and his shirt. And then I come out and they're all standing there like, and I go,

Speaker 2 You're going to stand there owning a fireworks stand. I go right into like Joe Dirt jokes.
so it just fit like a glove you just had it was fun yeah i mean the wig isn't perfect but it was pretty good

Speaker 2 and then it was just a good throwaway but you know for comedy jokes i i walked i go this looks like a two-minute walk and i go it's about two minutes i go

Speaker 2 i said can he come pick me up so we cut a little of the time out because i don't know what i can do for that long

Speaker 2 i mean if you're just walking it's one thing like the night before he had randy johnson who pitched for the arizona diamondbacks he's like

Speaker 1 hall of famer yeah who used to have a mullet.

Speaker 2 And you don't have to have a mullet for this.

Speaker 1 He's 10, I believe.

Speaker 2 Yeah. And he would pitch, and his fingers would touch the catcher's mitt.

Speaker 1 Sorry, he was a tall man, Ed. He actually would shake hands with

Speaker 1 the batter. Yeah, exactly.
After he threw the pitch, he'd say, here, while I'm here, let's just

Speaker 1 five each other. Yeah.

Speaker 2 So they're going to Seattle next. I go, who are you going to get to walk in?

Speaker 1 They're some fucking nerd.

Speaker 1 So he's just laughing. That's not nice.
Yeah. No, we cracked up.
It was fun. You were killing.
You know it.

Speaker 2 It's a great time. Something to do.
I don't go to the stadium concerts. By the way, just his merch alone was raking it in.

Speaker 1 Raking it in. Well, why don't we just to amuse ourselves,

Speaker 1 book a stadium? Like, we'll four-wall it. If people don't know that, like, we'll

Speaker 1 paper it.

Speaker 1 And we'll paper it. And so we'll play a stadium and we'll ask Morgan Wall if he can repay the favor and come walking out with us.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 He might. He's a pretty nice guy.

Speaker 1 I know. I mean, I'm just envious of musicians.
I would love to have been just comedy. He's like, what's up? What's up? I know.
And they just like, I was on an up. You know, it's like,

Speaker 1 yeah.

Speaker 2 He's got these hit songs. And every

Speaker 2 girl in Phoenix in there and Scott Stowe came out. They dusted off their cowboy boots.
They had

Speaker 2 blonde hair, all cowboy hats, the once-a-year cowboy hat.

Speaker 1 G'deeje.

Speaker 1 Gadiche. So he is also a sex symbol.
Yes, they all of them. I'm going to ask you a question just to interrupt the podcast.

Speaker 1 If

Speaker 1 Roy Orbison looked like Elvis Presley

Speaker 1 and Elvis Presley looked like Roy Orbison, which one would would Elvis still have been a sex symbol?

Speaker 2 If David Spade looked like Phyllis Diller.

Speaker 2 Now I think you're right. I mean, listen, good looks matters.
I don't care how

Speaker 2 you can argue it forever. It's always better to be good looking.
And if you're in show business, it's such a plus.

Speaker 2 I mean, Morgan's a stud, but all these country guys kind of have the same look, kind of, it feels like. They all seem to do well.

Speaker 2 I don't hear about the ones that don't, but the ones I see that are on tour, they all have big shows.

Speaker 1 Well, it's generally kind of if you're a country music star, you know, you got boots on.

Speaker 1 You got cowboy boots on. You're a shit kickers.
You got Levi's of some kind or jeans, some kind of jacket, and you're cranking it up.

Speaker 2 You're selling the authenticity of like,

Speaker 2 I always wear boots, just jeans, just a t-shirt.

Speaker 1 And I'm ready to fight anybody, any second.

Speaker 2 I said, you stupidly got a solid gold belt buckle. That was dumb because people will pick up on that.

Speaker 1 They're going to notice it. That's right.
They have, you know, Elvis used to have a belt buckle. It was the size of a dinner plate.

Speaker 2 I love Elvis so much.

Speaker 1 Oh, and I just always thought, what did he think when Colonel Tom Parker brought out the white jumpsuit with the bell bottoms? And the plate says, did he have any?

Speaker 1 I don't know if I want to wear that, Colonel. Oh, come on now, Elvis.
That's a wonderful outfit for you. Big bell bottoms and a big old belt buckle.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but that's the size of a dinner plate, Colonel.

Speaker 1 I like to come out in jeans and boots like a country star. No, Elvis, now I'm the Colonel and I take 70% of your check.

Speaker 1 So believe me when I tell you, that clown suit is perfect for you at this point in your career.

Speaker 2 What if Elvis just didn't listen? He came out like an Izod alligator polo shirt, you know, untucked

Speaker 2 brown cords.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. I got well, I got my butt skechers.
I got my skechers all over over my mouth.

Speaker 1 I got my,

Speaker 1 whatever you said, eyes on Shisha.

Speaker 2 You know, the alligator one.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Left my home in Norfolk, Virginia, California, 109.

Speaker 2 Stud.

Speaker 2 My mom was in love with Elvis.

Speaker 1 Oh, my sister.

Speaker 1 Instead of the Beatles, Rolling Stones had 500 pictures. Literally, she was.

Speaker 2 Again, talk about being good looking. That is the guy that's so good looking.
And he had a great voice. So if you can start being good-looking, start today if you can.
It does help.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it was. But I knew a woman who had dinner with him once, and she literally did the face.
She said the entire dinner, he just was doing this.

Speaker 1 I like a salad, I think.

Speaker 1 You got a

Speaker 1 crab cakes? Stay up there.

Speaker 1 I'd like some, what do you call it? Meatballs. You got any meatballs?

Speaker 2 With extra mayonnaise.

Speaker 1 All right, let's get to one story. We're in one story.
I'd like to have some salmon, and I'd like some ketchup to put on the salmon. Okay, go ahead.

Speaker 2 Here we go. We're kicking into it.

Speaker 1 Oh, this is I'm from Arizona, so this struck me and like fall to the ground, but I've never actually seen it happen.

Speaker 1 This thing is massive. Out of your air vents.

Speaker 2 That's a big one. A lot of people don't love scorpions.

Speaker 1 I don't want to have to do anything. No one's

Speaker 1 going to fall. Cuddling up.

Speaker 2 When's it going to fall? Yeah, you wait for it to fall. Oh, it's still walking around there.

Speaker 1 Ah, ah.

Speaker 2 That is terrifying. That's on your roof.

Speaker 1 God, I would just play Mission Impossible. Things upside down.

Speaker 1 Get in the vent. Get in the vent.

Speaker 2 One time I was on the phone when I moved to Arizona when I was during like SNL. I got a little

Speaker 1 place there.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 it was newer, but it's, you know, they always build it like right into the rocks. It was a new development.
So they put one in their building all around me. And when I'd come there off and on,

Speaker 2 I found total, I'm not lying, probably 18 scorpions in my seven years there but they're terrifying so I saw javelinas in my front yard those are like wild pigs with the big tusks and then I saw two or three rattlesnakes but I was on the phone on speakerphone

Speaker 2 talking to some lady and the scorpions I was walking at me

Speaker 2 They're very menacing. Even if they mean well, it doesn't look good because they got the stinger and they got the clamps to hold you.

Speaker 1 No, they've, yeah.

Speaker 1 in mysterious island 1962 they went on the island everything's gigantic and one of the things they had was a gigant a scorpion the size of a volkswagen yeah terrifying terrifying yeah so i'm there and she says she's on speaker and i go up hold on hold on i got a scorpion walking at me i got to uh make some adjustments here

Speaker 2 And because I have bare feet and she goes, oh, I found a ladybug on my shower curtain today. I go, oh, I'm almost dying and you almost had good luck.

Speaker 1 it's not the same yeah you've got to categorize your insects you know you can't just you can't make them all equivocate

Speaker 1 a ladybug you're talking about when i'm wrestling a scorpion for my life if you had to have like your sleep at night and a gaggle of one kind of insect

Speaker 1 in your room what ladybugs none just none ladybugs man that's my answer don't like insects no i I don't want it. Crawly.

Speaker 2 I had this question the other night. Oh, would I rather have...
Oh, we were on the road

Speaker 2 and they had an air conditioner where I couldn't figure out how to turn off the fan.

Speaker 1 I've had those.

Speaker 2 As I go to sleep, and I don't like it blowing on my face, so it's freezing. I don't know why.
So I'm putting pillows up around me. It's still hitting me.

Speaker 2 And then Bobby said when he went to bed, He said, when I went to the show, there was a huge spider on my wall, and I go, I'll kill it before I leave. And he forgot, and it was gone.

Speaker 2 And he said, Would you rather have that before you go to bed? or the blowing in the face. I'm like, I don't know.
The spider scares me too much. I don't know.

Speaker 1 That's a tough one.

Speaker 1 The, you know, maybe we're not very technical with stuff, but sometimes this is just being in hotels issue of the air conditioning. Sometimes you put it on low.

Speaker 1 I just want a low fan, and all of a sudden it goes high by itself. Then you put it on auto and it goes.

Speaker 1 So sometimes they're easy, and sometimes it's like a Rubik's Cube.

Speaker 2 Fan high, AC high, AC medium, auto, low, auto, fan, fan, fan, auto.

Speaker 1 I'm like, how about fucking off, babe? And how to

Speaker 1 set the temp. I tried to set it, and then I was told you got to hold down on the button to set it.
I was like, because it looked like it would just go down. You got to hold on to that one, Kirby.

Speaker 2 The thing with fans is like, I'm like, okay, off. They're like, so it's off, just like medium air conditioning.

Speaker 1 I'm like, no, off. And they're like, okay, just low.

Speaker 1 Off.

Speaker 2 They're like, well, you don't want nothing. I'm like, that's what I want.
I want nothing, no noise, no blowing. Okay, we're just going to give you a little fan just every couple.

Speaker 2 That's all. It's nothing.
It's literally, it's almost nothing.

Speaker 1 They have remote control from here.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's this air conditioner talking back to me.

Speaker 1 Oh, I thought it was someone at the hotel. All right, David Spade.
We love Joe Dirt. And here is a little light blow of air.
Joe Dirt coming right at you.

Speaker 2 You're going to thank us later. That's what the AC thinks.
You'll thank me for this.

Speaker 2 And I woke up, and then I finally saw on the ceiling two different vents right at me, bent down.

Speaker 2 And it's like, gadoosh, gadoosh.

Speaker 1 You just can't get away from it. Didn't sleep awake, Dana.
Get some kind of thing that covers your head like a lightweight helmet to protect you.

Speaker 2 Yeah, a lightweight helmet.

Speaker 1 That's exactly air blowing in your face. All right.
Tom Brady gifts his son Benjamin Jacob and Company billionaire mini Ashoka.

Speaker 1 What are they

Speaker 1 worth three

Speaker 1 million?

Speaker 1 I guess so. Is that what that says? Yeah, I think it's three million.

Speaker 2 So, Tom Brady gave me a little bit of a single.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'm closing my eyes. I see you peeking.
Don't look.

Speaker 2 The other kids are like,

Speaker 1 that can't be real.

Speaker 1 It better be.

Speaker 2 It's got 62 Ashoka cut diamonds.

Speaker 1 But he's iced out. That's crazy.
All right, close your eyes.

Speaker 2 That's literally crazy.

Speaker 1 Jesus, take that thing down to the other side of the track. See how long you last out in the hinderland, okay, little guy?

Speaker 1 You know, how long did it take that kid to fence that thing for a Rolls-Royce or two?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I won't be there wearing that to fucking Wendy's to get a single with extra mustard.

Speaker 1 I think it's great.

Speaker 1 Your parents are worth a billion, so I guess contextually, that's like a regular person getting a kid a three dollar watch yeah he's like this is from me and giselle's like and me and she's like oh yeah her too

Speaker 1 and the trainer i married from him too hiya

Speaker 1 he could beat you he could beat you up ex-husband to tom brady with the chop chop arm bar yeah what can you do throw a football at karate man ain't gonna i mean used to be able to throw a football i thought they had a very easy divorce but you hear rumors that she still is like, you can't beat up my new husband.

Speaker 1 Not even close.

Speaker 2 No one ever mentioned. That was the Elvis trick.

Speaker 2 When Priscilla left Elvis, she went to her karate instructor, and so Elvis knew. Remember, he was taking karate on stage.
Yeah, because he couldn't beat up that guy.

Speaker 2 And so she felt safer with the guy.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 if you get divorced, get a karate champion as your next husband. At least it's very clear.

Speaker 1 But, you know, Elvis had sleep guns. Elvis had gone.
I know, Elvis had guns.

Speaker 1 I bought one of his guns.

Speaker 1 You bought one of Elvis' guns?

Speaker 2 First thing I bought at an auction, I was like, oh, they had an Elvis auction. I just stumbled upon it, Butterfield and Butterfield on Sunset.
So I go, I loved Elvis. I want to get some stuff.

Speaker 2 So I bought one was a signed picture of Elvis. I looked through all the stuff.
It said to Judy out of the randomness. And my mom's name was Judy.
So I got her that. And then I got a watch.

Speaker 2 It said Elvis Presley around it. And then

Speaker 2 his buddies were there, like Joe Esposito, like this real, you know, boys. And they were like, yeah, that one's real.
That one's real. They have to be authenticated.

Speaker 2 And I got a set list he wrote from the Michigan Sheraton, and it was like hound dog with an arrow, put that later. Nice suspicious minds.
His handwriting lost it. It was cool.

Speaker 2 That was probably, I don't know how much.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 2 I got a gun that he used to wear in his boots.

Speaker 1 Where were you buying this? Some garage sale?

Speaker 2 Elvis Auction. No,

Speaker 2 like a Sotheby's type.

Speaker 2 And you know who was the guy at the call on the phone? Because I didn't want to be there because I thought people would rip me off more.

Speaker 2 Will Farrell.

Speaker 1 That's.

Speaker 1 And he was competing with you?

Speaker 2 No, he was working at the auction. And so I go, I got to call in.

Speaker 1 Oh, he was working at the house.

Speaker 2 We'll have one of our guys on the phone.

Speaker 2 And he was like,

Speaker 2 My guy bids $2,000 for that. And then at the end, he goes, okay, come pick him up.
So I went and picked him up and I saw him. But he didn't get on SNL until later.

Speaker 1 but oh it was a young will farrell just yeah oh i see so did you have things like the bid is three million three million anyone anyone three million is the current bid mr spade three i think will was like this three he's like this three million coming but it was really like i think my watch was seven thousand he's like seven thousand seven two hundred and i go uh yeah and he's like da da and then They finally goes, okay, you got it.

Speaker 2 And I'm like, yeah, come around, pick him up. I took my land cruiser down there.

Speaker 1 God, I got to do that.

Speaker 2 That was fun, dude. That's why I keep buying that shit.
It's cool. It's like anything that's one of a kind like that, and you know it's real.
I tried to buy his motorcycle. It was too much.

Speaker 1 All that stuff's going to go up in value. It's like Bitcoin.
There's a scarcity to the Elvis stuff.

Speaker 2 Yeah, if you can't get it and it's for sure real.

Speaker 1 If it's

Speaker 2 authenticated.

Speaker 1 Authenticated. That too.

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 1 It sounds like a fun day.

Speaker 2 Another story. I did like it.
I like Will. Of course.
I like Will ever since.

Speaker 1 Absolutely.

Speaker 2 Oh, children in China playing with human-oid

Speaker 2 robots. Let's see how humanoid they look.

Speaker 1 And so it begins.

Speaker 1 Oh, that does look real. Wow.

Speaker 2 I don't like the way they dress, though. It's a little scary.

Speaker 1 Well, it's more than a little scary.

Speaker 2 I don't know if I'd make the face a ring light. I guess that helps in some situations.

Speaker 1 I wore a demon ring light. I mean, mean, that looked like that's a horror film.

Speaker 1 I don't want a lit up little robot thing that could choke out any kid on the block.

Speaker 2 Hi, as a robot, what's fun to me is to kill you.

Speaker 1 Oh, I'm called Funcake, Mr. Funcake.

Speaker 1 I will now squeeze you. Stop, robot.
Stop a robot. Stop.
No

Speaker 1 robot.

Speaker 1 Stop a choke. Stop a choke, robot.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Uh-oh.

Speaker 1 Everybody run.

Speaker 1 Earthquake.

Speaker 1 All right. If I'm not canceled, let's continue with the podcast.

Speaker 2 Okay. Oh, Telegram.

Speaker 2 Dana's canceled. Stop.
Stop doing the thing. Stop.

Speaker 1 Stop. Stop.

Speaker 2 I said, stop, stop.

Speaker 1 The robot thing, the AI thing, I'm just saying, and

Speaker 1 it's going to be big. It's going to be big.

Speaker 2 It's bigger.

Speaker 2 It's gonna get bigger it's already big I asked someone from the bachelor what they thought they go AI is big

Speaker 2 what it's a big deal oh okay that's how they talk

Speaker 1 what country was that that's from here that's they add that on the end oh

Speaker 2 no way

Speaker 2 okay next story

Speaker 1 When we hit a wall, which we did.

Speaker 1 Yeah, let's get it first gear now. Ask you most about how you got three kids.
Oh, hang on. Hold on.

Speaker 2 This is Amon Ross St. Brown, who I had in fantasy football.
He's a great performer. His dad gives a pretty shocking answer for him

Speaker 2 when they're dating.

Speaker 1 Two kids. They want to know, in general, how I did it.
I believe in breeding.

Speaker 2 Two kids are

Speaker 1 a good athlete, good athlete. I'm black.

Speaker 1 Mom's white. Now, I don't step on it ones.
You can't keep stepping on it because you're going to mess it up. You're going to weaken it.
You can't keep keep cutting it? You can't keep cutting it, man.

Speaker 1 No,

Speaker 1 you're in Brooklyn because Brooklyn's half-half.

Speaker 1 You got a chance. If I cut it one more time, it's over.

Speaker 2 You can't keep cutting it.

Speaker 1 You got to be careful. You can't keep cutting it.
He's so serious. You got to think about the cut.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 If I'm black,

Speaker 1 I got the black gold running through my veins. Oh, I'm excited.
I'm just going to find the right person to mate with.

Speaker 1 And if I'm white, I'm saying, let me get one of these brothers around here. If you want to have athletes.
If you don't have athletes, then just go ahead and just spread your seed wherever.

Speaker 1 So, why'd you cut it once?

Speaker 1 Because you could,

Speaker 1 I know I can cut it once. Because it's gold.
I got that black gold.

Speaker 1 I said, Look,

Speaker 1 you never wrote a big toe woman. Big chin.
You said the big chin. You guys think of this stuff.
Some guys don't think of it till later. They go, like, I'm standing at Popwana.

Speaker 1 You wouldn't know you're on the field, or one of you guys on the field playing. And I was talking to a guy holding this story.
He goes, you were thinking about that, John? I go, yeah, you weren't.

Speaker 1 He goes, hell no. Okay, man, he's little.
The wife is little, kids are little. Everybody's little.
It's over. Little, little.

Speaker 1 Little, little, little.

Speaker 1 Little, little.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 2 So do you follow that? The two kids are NFL players.

Speaker 1 I absolutely followed it. I missed it.
And people go,

Speaker 2 and the dad is like,

Speaker 2 here's the, because people go, how do you get two kids in the NFL? And he goes, simple.

Speaker 1 Black gold. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Black gold.
And don't cut it. Don't cut it.
Don't cut it. Don't cut it.

Speaker 2 It's like cocaine.

Speaker 1 You get a brick. Yeah.

Speaker 2 You can only put so much fruit fresh in it.

Speaker 2 What do you cut it with?

Speaker 2 I know this guy that used to deal, and I'd go to his house, he's chopping up the cola, and then he pours like fruit fresh on it, and then baby lacks it. I go, what's this?

Speaker 2 He goes, it's called cutting it. Nobody wants 100% pure.
I go, they don't?

Speaker 1 Well, we would be like if someone had a different thing, like, you know, I got funny gold running through my body. So if you want to keep funny,

Speaker 1 you got to marry a funny woman. Now, my wife is a really funny woman.
She can do impressions, characters. She's really sharp.
So you don't, you got to keep going with that lineage.

Speaker 1 So you don't want to be at a comedy club. Look over there's three guys not funny.

Speaker 2 Yeah, on amateur night, they're not putting them up because, or he says, I'm funny, so I'm so funny. I can marry someone that's not funny.
But you guys, you have to marry someone funny.

Speaker 1 That's it. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I could marry an MC, but you got to marry a headliner.

Speaker 1 You got to marry a headliner.

Speaker 2 You got it to be two headliners.

Speaker 1 Yeah, don't, don't.

Speaker 1 Don't water it down. Don't water down the gold.
The comedy gold. You want to get a gold album? 500,000 people.

Speaker 2 It's so funny to watch the kids go.

Speaker 2 And then he says, your mom's got that big forehead.

Speaker 1 They're like, what?

Speaker 1 It is like, I knew someone who did think about breeding in that sense. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I think people do think about it after, like, oh, what's my kid going to look like? Oh, with this person,

Speaker 2 what will it look like? Will it have your eyes? Will it be

Speaker 2 strong? You know, will it be whatever?

Speaker 1 Well, and then the gene pool. I knew the woman who was kind of, she wanted to marry a tall guy, and the guy was like our height, basically.
She's kind of disappointed. The kid is 6'3.

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 2 Oh, the kids shot up?

Speaker 1 Just have a. I knew a guy who was,

Speaker 1 he was six feet. His kid went to 6'9.

Speaker 1 I mean, you never know. Unless the mailman was...

Speaker 2 Yeah, mailman's involved.

Speaker 2 You know that feeling when you're doom scrolling? I do. Suddenly an hour has gone by or a day and you feel worse than before?

Speaker 2 Been there lately. I've been swapping that habit for something that's actually inspiring and good for you, Master Class.
I started making it part of my mornings.

Speaker 2 listening in audio mode on my way to work. It's a game changer.
Listen, you know Amy Pohler. There's an Amy Polar improv class you can take.

Speaker 2 It helps you think on your feet and approach challenges with more confidence and creativity. It's good to just have in there.
Plans starting around $10 a month. You know this data.

Speaker 2 They bill you annually. You get unlimited access to over 200 classes across business, writing, cooking, science, and more.

Speaker 2 What are the lessons like?

Speaker 1 The lessons are bite-sized. So you can fit learning into even the busiest schedule.

Speaker 1 And you can download classes to watch offline, which is perfect for travel or squeezing in a quick session anywhere. And it's not just me.

Speaker 1 Three in four members say they feel inspired every time they watch, and 83% have applied what they've learned to their lives. Plus, every new membership comes with a 30-day money-back guarantee.

Speaker 1 So, there's no risk. Right now, our listeners get an additional 15% off at annual membership at masterclass.com slash fly.
That's 15% off at masterclass.com slash fly.

Speaker 2 Masterclass.com slash fly.

Speaker 1 Give it up for Chicago.

Speaker 4 Sebastian Maniscalco's new stand-up special, It Ain't Right, is coming to Hulu on November 21st.

Speaker 1 30 years ago, Jeff Bezos, complete nerd, Bezos now, ripped to shreds on his super yacht, and the boxes keep

Speaker 1 coming.

Speaker 4 Sebastian Maniscalco, It Ain't Right, premieres November 21st, streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundle subscribers.

Speaker 1 Terms apply.

Speaker 2 All right, next one.

Speaker 2 Dana, we're really doing good.

Speaker 1 I know. This is one of my favorite.

Speaker 2 This is one I sent in because I thought it was interesting. A, I'm obsessed with black wood osmirazon.
They scare the shit out of me. And B, Venus flytraps are so interesting.

Speaker 5 Nature continues to be.

Speaker 5 I was always under the assumption that spiders got their necessary nutrients and hydration from the prey that they caught.

Speaker 5 But I have now witnessed on multiple occasions when the spider comes across the Venus flytrap's nectar, it starts to

Speaker 5 get addicted to the nectar and intoxicated.

Speaker 2 They play it smart for a while. He stays in the edges.

Speaker 2 Oh, I don't want to say it's a trap, but it is a trap.

Speaker 5 It's essential that the prey keeps on moving to stimulate the trigger hairs and let the plant know that it's caught something alive

Speaker 1 and that it's worth starting the digestive process.

Speaker 5 As the prey starts to fill the ground, that's enough.

Speaker 1 Wow, so the plant does not have a brain?

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 1 It's genetically this clever thing.

Speaker 2 Defense mechanism that like it waits and waits and it has to be stepped on a few times.

Speaker 1 and even spiders they knew not to go in the middle but the nectar is so good they start to go deeper and it's like and gets them kind of drunk they're a little anesthetized and kind of out of it so literally a trap and they want them to fight and when they fight the planet releases better stuff crazy it's just a nature thing that's so nuts what the fuck happened on this planet what happened what happened i mean we got the weird are there pyramids on the moon what's going on do we have to go to any other planet?

Speaker 1 Just go in a forest or the ocean?

Speaker 2 Yeah, look at how nuts it is here. It's not boring.
It's nuts.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you can go 100 miles down in the ocean and just see a thing like this big

Speaker 1 with one eye

Speaker 1 10 feet down. What is the point? What is the point? It's got two eyes.

Speaker 2 Are there cylinders miles underneath the pyramids? I don't know.

Speaker 1 Oh, pyramids. That's just alien intervention.
I mean, it's just aliens. That's a coincidence.
I mean, they've studied it. They've gone all over the world.

Speaker 1 I love it.

Speaker 1 It is aliens.

Speaker 2 There you go.

Speaker 1 No one knows why we're here. No one knows how we got here.

Speaker 1 No one knows where the fuck we are. So anything's possible.
I say pyramids, under the pyramids.

Speaker 2 And they're all aiming somewhere. They're all perfect longitude, latitude, they're on the opposite side of the world.
They're like going to the park.

Speaker 1 And they couldn't make those back then. They didn't even.
They can't make shit. They had some yarn and a couple strong guys.
Let's build a house. Let's move this three-ton boulder, dudes.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they got

Speaker 1 fucking dirt.

Speaker 2 Wood chips. Are those the ones where they say the bodies are underneath? And they're just like this.

Speaker 1 But again, ancient man couldn't have made that.

Speaker 2 Are there giants in the Grand Canyon in the caves?

Speaker 1 I've seen them.

Speaker 1 Then they walk down the river.

Speaker 2 People should mate with those. If you mate with like a nine-foot giant, then your kid will be about

Speaker 1 seven feet. If you mate with someone who has six eyes, your kid's gonna have 12 eyes.

Speaker 2 Okay, we'll do one or two more.

Speaker 1 We're on a rolling so long, dude.

Speaker 1 I can't believe what's happening today.

Speaker 2 Gamers have logged over 25 billion hours playing Call of Duty, surpassing the entire timeline of human history. God dang, that's a stat.

Speaker 2 25 billion hours. Oh, about 2.8 million years.

Speaker 2 I love the comments.

Speaker 1 Well, I love the face, you know.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I like that people say, oh,

Speaker 2 well, whatever. I don't want to get into it.
But the violence in these games has to reflect somewhat the violence of life.

Speaker 2 Because if you can professionally fake gun down other people for 12 hours a day, every day.

Speaker 1 For a year. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And then you get out in the real world and you're like, I'm so good at this.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 It's a weird thing for a kid to play that and just be hypnotized by it over hours upon hours.

Speaker 1 They don't leave their room. I know.
And so, you know, I'm an analog man in a digital world. And I'll say that, you know, when I was at a certain age, we would play checkers.

Speaker 1 And sometimes you try to get a king and go down. Now it's like.

Speaker 2 Even that was too violent, part cheesy.

Speaker 1 Stratego was a horror show.

Speaker 2 A lot of casualties. I played Stratego.

Speaker 2 That's a good one. It's hard.

Speaker 1 Stratego is good, man. You probably just got in the corner.

Speaker 1 Put bombs all around you and just.

Speaker 2 Bombs everywhere.

Speaker 1 You were not offensive. You were just.

Speaker 2 I'd steal bombs from another Stratego game and put more bombs.

Speaker 2 I don't cheat. I don't cheat.

Speaker 1 I'd play Battleship and just lay the trap.

Speaker 2 You sunk My Battleship was a great commercial.

Speaker 1 That's what I say to people, go away to a cabin, shut everything off, play Monopoly. You'll be much happier than all these electronic games.

Speaker 1 And quit looking at and listening to podcasts for crying out loud. Dana, Dana, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
No, no, no.

Speaker 1 We're okay.

Speaker 1 No, no, no, no, no. People are always doing other things

Speaker 1 when they're looking or hearing us.

Speaker 2 We're in the background of the blender.

Speaker 1 They're driving, they're cooking, they're vacuuming, they're washing, they're bathing, they're hitching.

Speaker 2 I listen to it while I'm cleaning the chimney. I listen to it while I'm using a chainsaw.

Speaker 1 I listen to it when I'm thinking of maybe who the opening season of 51 hosts will be.

Speaker 1 SNL. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Are you already thinking of the host?

Speaker 1 Well, yeah, who's going to host the first show?

Speaker 1 Oh, wow, it's already coming back.

Speaker 1 Yeah, pretty soon.

Speaker 2 My God. Jolly Nelly Ollie Ollie.
Jar Jarbanks.

Speaker 1 Jar Jar Banks.

Speaker 2 Well, he's not working. Where's he been?

Speaker 1 I know. Wasn't he kind of.

Speaker 2 He was a real one and done.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Well, the great name.
No one ever forgot it.

Speaker 1 George Arbinks.

Speaker 2 Other than that, he had

Speaker 1 Gervitz. He was a Rastafarian kind of.

Speaker 1 I'm George Orbinks, man. I can't.

Speaker 2 No, he had a weird accent, and he was flying around like on a little propeller.

Speaker 1 I don't starve. Delightful.

Speaker 2 Dana, it was great having you on. I've run out of time.

Speaker 1 Thank you for coming on the Dana Carvey Show. My guest has been David Spade.
Thank you for having me. Isn't it funny every week that I say it?

Speaker 2 It's kind of funny. I don't mind it.

Speaker 1 I ran out of ad libs 313 hours ago.

Speaker 2 By the way, I won't bother you with this, but my mom can't get her contacts back on her phone. So if it's still going by next week, we're going to get some people involved in the audience.

Speaker 1 Oh, to help us. Okay.
Now, I heard a rumor that we're going to try a couple of questions.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah. You want to do it? Let's try it.

Speaker 1 What's the worst thing that could happen, Phil?

Speaker 6 Hey, David and Dana.

Speaker 6 Just wanted to know if you could give me some advice.

Speaker 2 I just bought a house with my my fiancé, and we have seven kids total.

Speaker 1 What do I do?

Speaker 1 What do I do?

Speaker 1 Well,

Speaker 2 how many Carveys were there? Five kids?

Speaker 1 There were five kids. It was a baby, a two-year-old, six-year-old, eight-year-old, and a ten-year-old.
My mom was 31 years of age. She screamed a lot randomly.

Speaker 2 I would too.

Speaker 1 I'm sure your kids scream a lot, too. That guy, if that guy's kind of fun enough,

Speaker 1 then he played it very real. So I kind of, I mean, you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I mean, if it's true, let's say he has seven kids.

Speaker 1 Let's say he has seven kids. He's not married, but he's had seven kids.

Speaker 2 Wait, I thought he said he had

Speaker 1 fiancé.

Speaker 2 Oh, what's it going to take to close the sale, guy?

Speaker 1 Jesus, what do you need? Double-digit progeny until you bring up.

Speaker 2 I mean, my God, you got seven. When's it going to get serious?

Speaker 1 Woolworths has got a sale on occasion.

Speaker 2 When are you going to jump off Riot?

Speaker 1 What's going on?

Speaker 2 What do you tell them, Dana?

Speaker 1 Well, I would say try to get some help. I mean, try to find somebody who can come by once in a while.

Speaker 2 Are any of them old enough to help with work?

Speaker 1 Right, if it's seven, you probably have a 10-year-old in there, 11-year-old. Put them to work.

Speaker 2 That's fine. 10 is working time.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Get the kids doing chores, vacuuming, cleaning, making their bed, military discipline.

Speaker 1 You get a short haircut, start doing push-ups nightly, and marry your fiancé.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I'm old at some point. I would say maybe it's a money thing at this point.
So maybe not. You're basically married.

Speaker 2 You're not going to get far.

Speaker 1 I would say it's fun to do a little thing to us, but it's a little thing called Kickstarter.

Speaker 2 Oh, get a Kickstarter?

Speaker 1 Get a Kickstarter.

Speaker 2 Is that like a GoFundMe?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Or film it as a reality show.

Speaker 1 Call the, what was it, Goslings, or who was it?

Speaker 2 Kate Plus Eight, was it?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 OctoMom.

Speaker 1 That's the best advice. Get a reality show.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Okay, one more. We have time for one more question with horrible advice.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay. Dana, when did you start learning the drums? What inspired you to start? I'm amateur, but Garth is what made me start learning.

Speaker 1 David?

Speaker 2 David, do you have any similar hidden talents playing the instruments? Just one.

Speaker 2 Thought we'd go the whole episode without it. The last second.

Speaker 1 I could never not enjoy hearing that. That's true.

Speaker 2 What was the question for you?

Speaker 1 Drums.

Speaker 2 Oh, they did it because of Garth. I think that's cool.

Speaker 1 That is nice. I mean,

Speaker 1 serious answer is like, my brother and I were into the Beach Boys. I had a brother, you know, I was like six.
He was eight at that point, and we had a band called The Surfers on crayons.

Speaker 1 We wrote on the Hampter. I would kick that.
I had a Hardy Boys book as my snare drum. I shoplifted sticks,

Speaker 1 and

Speaker 1 he bought a one-string guitar at a garage sale for a dollar, and he would play Louie Louie.

Speaker 1 And I was doing that, and that's how I started. And then

Speaker 2 go to the girlfriend. We stretched out a slinky and played that.

Speaker 1 Okay, here's a fun fact.

Speaker 1 For me, and you could look it up, I played a drum solo as the church lady on SNL, and because of the size of the kit and the thing I was doing, that was a better drum solo for me than the drum solo I did in the movie as Garth.

Speaker 2 That was different size.

Speaker 1 Yeah, because the set was so big.

Speaker 1 So that, look that up. Church lady plays the drums.

Speaker 2 Does your back hurt when you're on that little stool? I can never do it. And then you're there, you have to lean over the whole time and you have to kick on the bottom with your feet.

Speaker 1 Well, you remember we had

Speaker 1 Bill Burr and we talked about drums, you know?

Speaker 2 For 35 minutes, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I know, which was fun. But yeah, it is about relaxation and not trying, you know, not trying to hit them.
You just want to come with your wrists.

Speaker 1 But here we go.

Speaker 1 I can't hear myself, but that's what I would do.

Speaker 2 All right, we'll end on that one. That was great advice, whatever we say.

Speaker 2 Thank you guys again, and we'll see you next time.

Speaker 1 See you next week on another edition.

Speaker 2 Hey guys, if you're loving this podcast, which you are, be sure to click follow on your favorite podcast app, give us a review, five-star rating, and maybe even share an episode that you've loved with a friend.

Speaker 1 If you're watching this episode on YouTube, please subscribe. We're on video now.

Speaker 2 Fly on the Wall is presented by Odyssey, an executive produced by Danny Carvey and David Spade, Heather Santoro and Greg Holtzman, Maddie Sprung-Kaiser, and Leah Reese-Dennis of Odyssey.

Speaker 1 Our senior producer is Greg Holtzman, and the show is produced and edited by Phil Sweet Tech.

Speaker 2 Booking by Cultivated Entertainment.

Speaker 1 Special thanks to Patrick Fogarty, Evan Cox, Maura Curran, Melissa Wester, Hilary Schuff, Eric Donnelly, Colin Gaynor, Sean Cherry, Kurt Courtney, and Lauren Vieira.

Speaker 2 Reach out with us any questions to be asked and answered on the show. You can email us at flyonthewall at odyssey.com.
That's A-U-D-A-C-Y.com.