Jizz-Lane Maxwell Updates, Pest Control Tips & Joe Dirt Tunnel Walk

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All right, with Pure Chaos over here, Dana, we got it.

Phew, man.

These are.

Welcome to Pure Chaos.

These are, you know, they're not easy.

People go, what is it like?

I go, you don't want to know what it's like.

I go, wouldn't I want to know?

People go, Dana works hard on these.

You breeze through it.

I go, no, we won't.

I said, believe me, Dana comes out of the barn.

He's like the ominous.

She goes out there,

busts hump.

Never,

your thing is never let them see you working.

Never let them see you sweating.

I'm out there going, look at my funny voices.

Like me, peace.

Mine is never

work.

No, I tell Gervitz, I go, I like to, I like to,

I go, I like, I want a job, but I don't want to work.

I guess you don't like money.

I do like money.

You don't like money.

I'm your bitch.

Someone I knew ran into him, and of course, he went through all of it.

Really?

Hands.

Hey, handsome.

Oh, who's funnier than you?

Yeah, he goes, I'm having lunch with Spade.

And he goes, Yeah.

Would you lose a bet?

He's got his tricks.

Full quips.

Yeah.

And I go, I go, hey, where are you having lunch, Gervitz?

And he goes,

information is power.

Money never sleeps.

Strictly needs a no basis.

Yeah, he's got them all lined up.

Man.

He just, he repeats them all right before he falls asleep.

I thought I was going to get more for that.

The landscape has changed.

Good night, manager.

Landscape has changed.

Who's funnier than you, handsome?

Oh, my God.

All right.

Call you back.

Call me back on what?

That's just how he hangs up.

Call you back.

Call me back.

Anyway, Dana, what's been going on?

We've had a week off.

Let's catch me up on your stuff.

I'll catch you up.

All right.

Well, I have a few current event things that piqued my interest.

So it looks like

they may,

it probably won't happen anytime in the next week or something, but Ghisane.

Ghislaine, you can't make that up.

I looked it up.

That's the correct pronunciation.

Ghislaine Maxwell.

Ghizzy Lane, you're in my

bungalow.

What's the

possible correct pronunciation?

Go ahead.

Ghislane.

Let's just call you Ghislane.

Ghislane.

So I'm imagining that she's in front of a congressional hearing, and I'm also acknowledging to myself that I don't know what she talks like.

She's never really spoken.

So here is Senator John Kennedy.

He's in on it.

He's a well, he's a Congress guy.

Miss Ghislaine, is that your real name?

Did I get that right?

You were sort of what we call the point person for Mr.

Jeffrey Epstein.

Is that correct?

Did I

get that right?

And what was your job in that scenario?

And we don't know what she's going to sound like.

Well, you know, when I was on the island with Jeffrey, I set up the lounge chairs and get the sunscreen in the water for everybody.

And then, if a VIP wanted a date, I would go and look in the bungalows and make sure the hidden cameras were working properly.

I'd wipe off the lens, you know.

I think that's what we call

in Louisiana a bombshell.

Did I get that right?

I don't know if it's a bombshell.

It was just another day on the island.

It's a day at the office.

So that's it.

I like it.

Yeah.

That's one of mine.

What do you got?

Let's go.

Put the water wings on the girls and

make sure the blackmail stuff is all lined up.

Make sure the cameras are recording properly.

We want to make our guests happy, but no one knows what she talks like.

Maybe she'll talk like that.

Maybe that would be my best impression.

If she gets in court, they're trying to drag her in court, right?

Drag her.

They want to drag her in, and this thing is just going on, and they're going to interview her.

She's the last living person that has all the records.

I don't know.

I'm just saying it's still a story.

Right.

And she was really Robin.

It was really Batman and Robin.

So if Robin's there, you want to try to get some info.

They say, oh, there's nothing to worry about because he's dead.

But I think she's more worried about all the alive people that are on tapes or something.

Right.

If these

people did something illicit on an island with underage whatevers, then maybe we have the right to know.

I think those powerful people are nagging at her in the back of her head.

Like, they might be a problem if I rat everyone out.

But hopefully something comes from it.

Yeah.

When I was going, I stopped in Arizona.

I went to a Morgan Wallen concert,

or as my mom calls him, Wallen Morgan, which actually sounds like a real name.

Wawa Geegan.

Wawa Gegan.

Isn't that his name?

There's a lot of country guys out there.

Morgan Wallen is doing very well.

I like Shabbadabadoo.

Oh, yeah.

Shabadoozzi Jafluzzi we had on SNL.

Yeah, yeah.

So what is Morgan, what's he doing?

What's he up to?

So Morgan,

he had two shows there and at the Cardinals Stadium.

So he can do stadiums, right?

He has two nights.

So I love it.

He has someone from, I've seen this on, you know, Instagram or something.

He has someone.

preferentially from that city walk him out.

So I've seen, so you know, if you're at a stadium, it's a long walk from the dressing room like when the team comes out of the tunnel but before that he's got a dressing room in the middle of the stadium and he walks out so hang on with that video but so he says hey why don't you

uh he asked theo to call me and say would spade ever want it

he likes joe dirt he goes would he ever come out as joe walk me out okay so i'm intrigued i said I said, I don't know.

And then I go, you know what?

It kind of would be fun.

This is kind of the place to do it.

So Heather and I dusted off an old Joe Dirt wig, and then we

mull it.

Yeah, a real one from the wig.

And I found the old, yeah, from Joe Dirt 2.

And then I found my real janitor shirt from one.

I said, I don't want to walk out with you.

Why don't you come and pick me up along the way?

Because it's too long of a walk to be funny or anything.

So here it is.

We'll just show you a

clip.

Okay.

Okay, put the volume on.

Let's see.

So he's playing a song.

Yeah.

And

there we go.

Oh, they knew right away.

So you can see the crowd underneath.

It's on the big screen.

There's Heather filming this.

You see, it's on the screen also.

60,000.

It's hard to think of little bits to do.

Well, because it's all mimey, visual.

Little hug and I run off like Joe Dirt when Kid Rock yells at me.

Kind of little,

yeah, super fun.

You didn't get to talk as Joe Dirt.

No, it was enough where they just saw, they could see that it was a, but it was good.

They remember Joe Dirt and they recognize it, and then it was fun.

It totally fits in with Morgan.

He's got a mullet and he's a big superstar.

Well, you know, I mean, did you have any sense that maybe you go with the shirt like this and it said fly on the wall now on

laser disc?

Oh, yeah.

Fly on the wall.

Now in even more confusing times,

which means that.

Our motto is keep them guessing.

I think we should just tell people that are confused, just keep checking.

There will be two a week, and there will still be two a week.

So you will catch them.

And as if we're not confused, I mean, like, kind of have some empathy for our position.

It's Monday, Thursday.

It's not any of the days it was, which would have helped, but it's Monday, Thursday.

Okay, this just came in.

I don't know if this is true, but

Jazan got

a got a call in jail.

And I guess they released a recording.

Let me just play it.

Well, I'll just sort of, I listen to it when you're doing it.

Could you act it out?

Yeah, she's like, hello, who is this?

You're not going to go anywhere, are you?

You're not going to.

Who is this?

I wouldn't do it.

I wouldn't testify if I were you.

But some of the guy could do it.

Who's that?

Trump's telling him?

What's it?

Does it sound like Trump?

I mean, I would guess if I had to say that.

No, what I heard in the corner is, don't do it, don't do it.

And if you look at it and you think about it, you wouldn't do it.

She's like, what are you talking about?

Should I fix the secret cameras?

That was what I heard.

And I don't even know if that's real.

Speaking of Trump, can I do a current event?

100%.

So now he came out today, and this will be an ongoing story, that Russia was the ringleader for the Russian, Russia.

Obama was the ringleader for the Russian Russia.

I did hear this.

Yes.

And so I heard, this is on Daily Mail, that Springsteen called him to offer support.

You know, like, hello, who is this?

That's Bruce Springsteen.

How are you doing, Mr.

President?

I'm doing fine.

What's up?

I heard Trump threaten you.

I just want you to know I got your back.

Oh, okay, but I think I can handle it myself.

No, I got your back.

Believe me, I got my boots on, my big boy pants, and my cowboy hat.

That's six feet of Bruce Springsteen coming right at you.

All right, talk to you later.

I'll keep that in mind, Bruce.

Six feet of pure Springsteen coming right at you.

All right.

I think it's not a problem.

I'm going to fuck him up.

Fuck up, Michelle.

I'm talking to Bruce.

I'm going to fuck him up.

Boom.

So these are just things I hear.

Do you want to do one?

We're baking a fun cake today.

I just wanted to say that.

I like these are what everybody wants.

Short little fun cake.

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This is something up your alley.

You could lean in on this first.

Liam Neeson and Pamela Anderson are an item.

Yes.

Yes.

Good luck.

I have skills.

Remember taken?

Good luck.

Good luck.

I have skills.

Listen, Miss Anderson, I've got skills I've acquired as a lover.

In the bedroom?

Make me a dream boat for a bay watch little beauty like yourself.

You're kind of intense.

I know.

I was born intense.

Fuck yeah, he's a stud, dude.

I think they are going out.

I like her.

I like him.

Yeah, she's cool.

I hope Naked Gun is good.

I mean, it's funny to do the Leslie Nielsen part.

It's ballsy,

but he's kind of a funny guy to do it because he's so serious the more serious he plays it you can't play it too serious and too strong i'm going to see it i want to see it and i'll give a full effing review you can't play it too serious mr spade i have skills i've acquired shut up okay

maybe he'll start that speech he better do it in a movie is a joke oh i bet he must do a part of it in the movie that's just

of all the kind of guys over 60 that want to be action heroes, he got taken and that still has has not been topped.

And that speech was, you know, just incredible, whoever wrote it.

By the way, every movie I've seen him since is like taken from an igloo, taken from, it's all the exact same movie, but just a different surroundings.

They wronged him, and now he's going to write it.

And they said, hey,

Liam, could you not say skills this time, but kind of this, all right, all right, roll the cameras.

I have talents that you can't believe.

Yeah.

Talents that make me a nightmare.

Cut.

Cut, can you not say nightmare?

All right, roll the camera.

I'm in video village while you're doing this.

I have cameras.

I have talent that make me

make you feel bad

if you come in contact with my talents.

I'm Leon Neeson.

Hey, Cut, don't say the name.

Your character's name is Joe.

Oh, it's the name Joe.

I'm Joe.

I'm Joe, and I've got a dream of hurting.

I have a dream.

I want to.

My name is Joe Dirt.

And I am.

Oh, you're way off.

I have a year, right?

Go ahead.

He says, you know, I have a dream.

And they're like, don't say I have a dream.

It sounds like Martin Luther King.

And he goes, okay,

I am the guy from Taken.

They go, no, don't say that either.

Don't say the guy from Taken.

Yeah.

They go, I have a robot.

Cut.

What does that have to do with this scene?

You're in a warehouse in the middle of nowhere, 20 guys with machine guns.

I know, I thought it sounded good.

I've got a rowboat that if you go

flood, and he goes, I have a particular paddle boat,

and I know how to paddle, and I know where you are.

I have a bowl of mashed potatoes that I could smash in your face and make you dream bad things at night.

Cut

we might call them smash potatoes after.

Thanks.

I just wanted to add that.

Did we get that?

Where we cut already?

Any kind of gruff voice suddenly.

Hi, I'm Pamela Anderson.

Hey, hey.

Hey, she's cool.

That's a nice beaver.

Thank you.

I stuffed it myself.

That's from the real show.

Oh, that's from the show.

That's from your naked gun.

You know, Naked Gun 33 and the 3rd was directed by

Tom Hanks.

Pete Siegel.

Pete Siegel.

Pete Siegel.

I like those.

And I do think that if there is such a thing as timing, having a naked gun, just ridiculous last-per-second comedy right now, I think they've hit the zeitgeist right now.

We could use it.

I think we could all use a lot of time.

We could use it all the time, but especially today.

Especially in this climate.

Yeah.

Okay, what else?

You have other stories, don't you?

And then we'll get to the regular stories.

Well,

this is a story.

This is a news flash.

So we had a pest.

Oh, I heard about this.

Okay.

We're hearing noises.

It's all over the chat room.

Noises in the attic.

And I'm thinking, it's nothing.

You know,

these are phones.

It sounded like a phone.

The old dial rotary.

And then it's like,

and then under the thing, it was going,

you know, it just sounded like Joe

So this went on for two weeks.

Maybe they're playing clips from the Morgan Wallen walkout.

The animals.

Do you think it's a raccoon?

What do you think?

I immediately go to rat.

Oh, yeah.

I go to rat.

And so

we had a super happy, cool pest control guy.

What's up, man?

All right.

So we showed him how he could get in the attic, in the garage.

And he goes,

I am so going up there, man.

I'm so going up there.

All right, that's really cool.

And I got a new ladder.

You want to see it?

You know, the guy was like, So then I come back.

I go, How was it?

He goes, Hey, guess what?

I found a cute little feller, and it was a little mouse that got into a sticky trap.

We didn't even know there were sticky traps up there.

A little mouse, it was quick.

He goes, Here's this little feller.

Yeah, he's cute, though.

You know, well, that'll be $648.

So, my wife, I couldn't hear, she closed the door.

I heard her say,

what was she talking about?

She was making out with an aardvark in the other room.

But basically, we heard noise.

We got a guy and he was very cool.

Man, I was so happy to be out here and help you folks.

You know, just one of those nice, don't you have stories like that on your

boat?

I like the guy.

He might have been a little starstruck by you.

Well, he started calling me Dana, which is pretty cool.

I had sunglasses on inside just to be sort of cool.

And

I just was like, so you really like just crawling in attics where there's rats and feces?

Yeah, I do, man.

It's a calling, dude.

I like it, Dana.

Hey, Dana.

Hey, how's that guy, David, on the podcast?

I saw him at Morgan Wallen show.

I was out there, and he came out,

but they didn't let him talk.

So I'd heard that story before the podcast.

You know, it's funny, we were talking, and they go, you can't hear Morgan.

Well, he said, you know, I have this earpiece in and I can't hear anything.

And then when he came out, he goes, so when did you come in while we're walking out?

He's trying to have a normal conversation.

I'm like, oh, hey,

I got in last night, but I'm leaving in the morning.

And he's like, oh, cool.

So I, how long you know Theo, a long time.

Theo says you're a cool guy.

So we're talking.

Meanwhile, the crowd's yelling and I'm like, hang on, I got to do this.

What's up, huh?

But when I was in his dressing room and I put it, we were bullshitting.

And then I put on that wig wig and everything and his shirt and then I come out and they're all standing there like, and I go,

you're going to stand there owning a fireworks stand.

I go right into like Joe Dirt jokes.

So it just fit like a glove.

You just had it.

It was fun.

Yeah.

I mean, the wig isn't perfect, but it was pretty good.

And then it was just a good throwaway.

But you know, for comedy jokes, I walked, I go, this looks like a two-minute walk.

And I go, it's about two minutes.

I go.

I said, can he come pick me up so we cut a little of the time out?

Because I don't know what I can do for that long.

I mean, if you're just walking, it's one thing.

Like the night before he had Randy Johnson, who pitched for the Arizona Diamondbacks.

He's like, Randy Johnson.

Hall of Fame,

who used to have a mullet.

And you don't have to have a mullet for that.

He's 10, I believe.

Yeah, and he would pitch, and his fingers would touch the catcher's mitt.

Sorry, he was a tall man.

He actually would shake hands with

the batter.

Yeah, exactly.

After he threw the pitch, he'd say, here, while I'm here, let's just high-five each other.

Yeah.

So they're going to Seattle next.

I go, who are you going to get to walk in there?

Some fucking nerd.

So he's just like, well, that's not nice.

Yeah.

No, we cracked up.

It was fun.

You were killing.

You know it.

This is a great time.

Something to do.

I don't go to the stadium concerts.

By the way, just his merch alone was raking it in.

Raking it in.

Well, why don't we just, to amuse ourselves,

book a stadium?

Like, we'll four-wall it.

If people don't know that, like, we'll

paper it.

And we'll paper it.

And so we'll play a stadium and we'll ask Morgan Wall if he can repay the favor and come walking out with us.

Yeah.

He might.

He's a pretty nice guy.

I know.

I mean, I'm just envious of musicians.

I would love to have been just comedy is like, what's up?

What's up?

I know.

And they just like, I was on an up, you know, it's like,

yeah.

He's got these hit songs and every every girl in Phoenix and there and Scott still came out they dusted off their cowboy boots they had

a blonde hair all cowboy hats the once-a-year cowboy hat good

so he is also a sex symbol yes they all love me I'm gonna ask you a question just to interrupt the podcast

if if Roy Orbison looked like Elvis Presley yes and and Elvis Presley looked like Roy Orbison, which one

would Elvis still have been a sex symbol?

If David Sve looked like Phyllis Diller.

Now, I think you're right.

I mean, listen, good looks matters.

I don't care how

you can argue it forever.

It's always better to be good looking.

And if you're in show business, it's such a plus.

I mean, Morgan's a stud, but all these country guys kind of have the same look, kind of, it feels like.

They all seem to do well.

I don't hear about the ones that don't, but the ones I see that are on tour, they all have big shows.

Well, it's generally kind of if you're a country music star, you know, you got, you got boots on.

You got cowboy boots on.

You're shit kickers.

You got Levi's of some kind or jeans, some kind of jacket, and you're cranking it up.

You're selling the authenticity of like,

I always wear boots, just jeans, just a t-shirt, just a...

And I'm ready to fight anybody, any second.

I said, you stupidly got a solid gold belt buckle.

That was dumb because people will pick up on that.

They're going to notice it.

That's right.

They have, you know, Elvis used to have a belt buckle.

It was the size of a dinner plate.

I love Elvis so much.

Oh, and I just always thought, what did he think when Colonel Tom Parker brought out the white jumpsuit with the bell bottoms and the plate says, did he have any,

I don't know if I want to wear that, Colonel.

Oh, come on now, Elvis.

That's a wonderful outfit for you.

Big bell bottoms and a big old belt buckle.

Yeah, but that's the size of a dinner paint, Colonel.

I like to come out in jeans and boots like a country star.

No, Elvis, now I'm the colonel, and I take 70% of your check.

So believe me when I tell you, that clown suit is perfect for you at this point in your career.

What if Elvis just didn't listen?

He came out like an Izod alligator polo shirt, you know, untucked, slacked brown cords.

Yeah, yeah.

I got my buttons.

Skechers.

I got my skechers all over my,

I got my, uh, whatever you said, Izod Shisha.

You know, the alligator one.

Yeah.

Left my home in Norfolk, Virginia, California, 109.

Stud.

My mom was in love with Elvis.

Oh, I got my sister.

Instead of the Beatles, Rolling Stones had 500 pictures.

Literally, she

talk about being good looking.

That is the guy that's so good looking, of course.

And he had a great voice.

So, if you can start being good-looking, start today if you can.

It does help.

Yeah, it was.

But I knew a woman at dinner with him once, and she literally did the face.

She said the entire dinner, he just was doing this.

I like a salad, I think.

You got a

crab cakes?

Stay up there.

I like some, what do you call it?

Meatballs.

You got any meatballs With extra mayonnaise.

All right, let's get to one story.

I'd like some salmon, and I'd like some ketchup to put on the salmon.

Okay, go ahead.

Here we go.

We're kicking into it.

Oh, this is.

I'm from Arizona, so this struck me.

And like fall to the ground.

But I've never actually seen it happen.

This thing is massive.

Out of your air vents.

That's a big one.

A lot of people don't love scorpions.

I don't want to have to do anything.

No one's

going to fall.

Cuddling up.

When's it going to fall?

Yeah, yeah you wait for it to fall oh it's still walking around there ah ah that is terrifying that's on your roof god i would just play mission impossible things upside down

get in the vent get vent are they what one time i was on the phone when i moved to arizona when i was during like snl i got a little

uh place there

and uh it was newer but it's you know they always built it like right into into the rocks, it was a new development, so they put one in their building all around me.

And when I'd come there off and on,

I found total-I'm not lying-probably 18 scorpions in my seven years there, but they're terrifying.

So, I saw Havelinas in my front yard, those are like wild pigs with the big tusks, and then I saw two or three rattlesnakes.

But I was on the phone, on speakerphone,

talking to some lady, and the scorpion starts walking at me

they're very menacing even if they mean well it doesn't look good because they got the stinger and they got the clamps to hold you no

yeah

in mysterious island 1962 they went on the island everything's gigantic and one of the things that was a gigant a scorpion the size of a volkswagen yeah terrifying terrifying yeah so i'm there and she says she's on speaker and i go up hold on hold on i got a scorpion walking at me i got to uh make some adjustments here.

And because I have bare feet, and she goes, oh, I found a ladybug on my shower curtain today.

I go, oh, I'm almost dying and you almost had good luck.

It's not the same.

You've got to categorize your insects.

You know,

you can't make them all equivocated.

Is there not a ladybug you're talking about when I'm wrestling a scorpion for my life?

If you had to have like your sleep at night and a gaggle of one kind of insect

in your room what ladybugs none just none ladybugs man that's my answer don't like insects no I don't want crawly

I had this question the other night oh would I rather have oh we were on the road and and they had a air conditioner where I couldn't figure out how to turn off the fan I've had those have you had so I go to sleep and I don't like it blowing on my face so it's freezing I don't know why so I'm putting pillows up around me It's still hitting me.

And then Bobby said when he went to bed, he said, I went to the show, there was a huge spider on my wall, and I go, I'll kill it before I leave.

And he forgot, and it was gone.

And he said, Would you rather have that before you go to bed?

Or the blowing in the face?

I'm like, I don't know.

The spider scares me too much.

I don't know.

That's a tough one.

The, you know, maybe we're not very technical with stuff, but sometimes this is just being in hotels issue of the air conditioning.

sometimes you put it on low I just want a low fan and all of a sudden it goes high by itself then you put on auto

so sometimes they're easy and sometimes it's like a Rubik's Cube fan high AC high AC medium auto low auto fan fan fan auto I'm like how about fucking off babe and how to set the set the temp I tried to set it and then I was told you got to hold down on the button to set it I was like because it looked like it would just go down.

You got to hold on to that one carving.

The thing with fans is like, I'm like, okay, off.

And they're like, so off, just like medium air conditioning.

I'm like, no, off.

And they're like, okay, just low.

Off.

They're like, well, you don't want nothing.

I'm like, that's what I want.

I want nothing, no noise, no blowing.

Okay, we're just going to give you a little fan just every couple.

That's all.

It's nothing.

It's literally, it's almost.

But they have remote control from here.

Yeah, that's this air conditioner talking back to me.

Oh, I thought it was someone at the hotel.

All right, David Spade, we love Joe Dirt, and here is a little light blow of air.

Joe Dirt coming right at you.

You're going to thank us later.

That's what the AC thinks.

You'll thank me for this.

And I woke up, and then I finally saw on the ceiling two different vents right at me, bent down.

And it's like, gadouche, gadoche.

You just can't get away from it.

Didn't sleep a wink, Dana.

Get some kind of thing that covers your head like a lightweight helmet to protect.

Yeah, a lightweight helmet.

That's from air blowing in your face.

All right.

Tom Brady gifts his son Benjamin Jacob and Company billionaire mini Ashoka.

What are they?

Watch worth three

million?

I guess so.

Is that what that says?

Yeah, I think it's three million.

So Tom Brady gives

you closing your eyes.

Yeah, I'm closing my eyes.

I see you peeking.

Don't look.

The other kids are like,

that can't be real.

It better be.

It's got 62 Ashoka cut diamonds.

But he's iced out.

That's crazy.

That's literally crazy.

Jesus, take that thing down to the other side of the track.

See how long you last out in the hinterland, okay, little guy?

You know, how long did it take that kid to fence that thing for a Rolls Rice or two?

Yeah, I won't be there and wearing that to fucking Wendy's to get a single with extra mustard.

I think it's great.

Your parents are worth a billion, so I guess contextually, that's like a regular person getting a kid a $3 watch.

Yeah.

He's like, this is for me.

And Giselle's like, and me.

And she's like, oh, yeah, her too.

And the trainer I married from him, too.

Hiya.

Hi.

He could beat you up, ex-husband.

With the chop, chop arm arm bar.

Yeah.

What can you do?

Throw a football at karate man?

Ain't gonna be a good one.

I mean, used to be able to throw a football.

I thought they had a very easy divorce, but you hear rumors that she still is like, you can't beat up my new husband.

Not even close.

No one ever mentioned that was the Elvis trick.

When Priscilla left Elvis, she went to her karate instructor, and so Elvis knew.

Remember, he was taking karate?

Oh, yeah,

because he couldn't beat up that guy, and so she felt safer with the guy.

So

if you get divorced, get a karate champion as your next husband.

At least it's very clear.

But, you know, Elvis had weapons.

Elvis had gone.

I know, Elvis had guns.

I bought one of his guns.

You bought one of Elvis' guns?

First thing I bought at an auction, I was like, oh, they had an Elvis auction.

I just stumbled upon it, Butterfield and Butterfield.

on Sunset.

So I go, I loved Elvis.

I want to get some stuff.

So I bought one was a signed picture of Elvis.

I looked through all the stuff.

It said to Judy out of the randomness, and my mom's name is Judy, so I got her that.

And then I got a watch that said Elvis Presley around it.

And then

his buddies were there, like Joe Esposito, like this real, you know, boys.

And they were like, yeah, that one's real.

That one's real.

They have to be authenticated.

And I got a set list he wrote from the Michigan Sheraton, and it was like hound dog with an arrow.

Put that later.

Nice.

Suspicious minds.

His handwriting lost it.

It was cool.

That was probably, I don't know how much.

But

I got a gun that he used to wear in his boots.

Where were you buying this?

Some garage sale?

Elvis auction.

No,

like a Sotheby's type thing.

And you know who is the guy?

I had to call on the phone because I didn't want to be there because I thought people would rip me off more.

Will Farrell.

That's.

And he was competing with you?

No, he was working at the auction.

And so I go, I got to call in.

Oh, he was working on it.

We'll have one of our guys on the phone.

And he was like,

my guy bids $2,000 for that.

And then at the end, he goes, okay, come pick him up.

So I went and picked him up and I saw him.

But he didn't get on SNL until later.

Oh, it was a young Will Farrell.

Oh, I see.

So did you have things like the bid is 3 million, 3 million?

Anyone?

Anyone?

3 million is the current bid.

Mr.

Spade, 3 million.

I think Will was like this.

He's like this, 3 million coming.

But it was really like, I think my watch was 7,000.

He's like, 7, 7, 200.

And I go, yeah.

And he's like, double.

And then they finally go, okay, you got it.

And I'm like, yeah.

Come around, pick him up.

I took my land cruiser down there.

God, I got to do that.

That was fun, dude.

That's why I keep buying that shit.

It's cool.

It's like anything that's one of a kind like that, and you know it's real.

I tried to buy his motorcycle.

It was too much.

All that stuff's going to go up in value.

It's like Bitcoin.

There's a scarcity to the Elvis stuff.

Yeah, if you can't get it and it's for sure real.

If it's authentic, what is it?

Authenticated.

authenticated that too

i don't know

sounds like a fun day another story yeah i did like it i like will of course i like will ever since absolutely uh

oh children in china playing with humanoid

robots let's see how humanoid they look and so it begins

oh that does look real wow

i don't like the way they dress though it's a little scary Well, it's more than a little scary.

I don't know if I'd make the face a ring light.

I guess that helps in some situations.

I wore a demon ring light.

I mean, that looked like that's a horror film.

I don't want a lit up little robot thing that could choke out any kid on the block.

Hi.

As a robot, what's fun to me is to kill you.

Oh, I'm called Funcake, Mr.

Funcake.

I will now squeeze you.

Stop, robot.

Stop a robot.

Stop.

No, robot.

Stop a choke.

Stop a choke, robot.

Okay.

Uh-oh.

Everybody runs.

Earthquake.

All right.

If I'm not canceled, let's continue with the podcast.

Okay.

Oh, Telegram.

Dana's canceled.

Stop.

Stop doing the thing.

Stop.

Stop.

Stop.

I said stop.

Stop.

The robot thing, the AI thing, I'm just saying, and

it's going to be big.

It's going to be big.

It's big.

It's going to get bigger.

It's already big.

I asked someone from the bachelor what they thought.

They go, AI is big.

What was it?

It's a big deal.

Oh, okay.

That's how they talk.

What country was that?

That's from here.

They add that on the end.

Oh.

No way.

Okay, next story.

When we hit a wall, which we did.

Yeah, let's get it first gear now.

Ask you most about how you got three kids.

Oh, hang on, hold on, hold on.

This is Amon Ross St.

Brown, who I had in fantasy football.

He's a great performer.

His dad gives a pretty shocking answer for him

when they're dating.

Two kids.

They want to know, in general, how I did it.

I believe in breeding.

Two kids are now.

Good athlete, good athlete.

I'm black, mom's white.

Now, I don't step on it once.

You can't keep stepping on it because you're going to mess it up.

You're going to weaken it.

You can't keep cutting it.

You can't keep cutting it.

No.

No,

you're in Brooklyn because Brooklyn's half half.

You cut it a chance.

If I cut it one more time, it's over.

You can't keep cutting it.

You got to be careful.

Kansas keep cutting it.

He's so serious.

You got to think about the cutting.

You know what I mean?

No.

If I'm black,

I got the black gold running through my veins.

Oh, I'm excited.

I'm just going to find the right person to mate with.

And if I'm white, I'm saying, let me get one of these brothers around here if you want to have athletes.

If you don't have athletes, then just go ahead and just raise your seed wherever.

So why'd you cut it once?

Because he cut it.

I knew I didn't cut it once.

Because he's gold.

I got that black gold in me.

Mama got that big chin.

I'm big toes.

I said, look,

you never wrote a big toe woman.

Big chin.

Who says the big chin?

You got to think of this stuff.

Some guys don't think of it until later.

They go, like I'm standing at Popwana.

You wouldn't know.

know you on the field or one of you guys on the field playing.

And I was talking to a guy holding this story.

He goes, you were thinking about that, John?

I go, yeah, you weren't?

He goes, hell no.

Okay, man, he's little.

The wife is little.

Kids are little.

Everybody's little.

It's over.

Little, little, little.

Little, little, little.

What?

So do you follow that?

The two kids are NFL players.

I absolutely followed it.

I'm sorry.

And people go,

and the dad is like,

here's the, because people go, how do you get two kids in the NFL?

And he goes, simple.

Black gold.

Yeah.

Black gold.

And don't cut it.

Don't cut it.

Don't cut it.

Don't cut it.

It's like cocaine.

You get a brick.

Yeah.

You can only put so much fruit fresh in it.

What do you cut it with?

I know this guy that used to deal, and I'd go to his house and he's chopping up the cola and then he pours like fruit fresh on it and then baby lock stuff.

I go, what's this?

He goes, it's called cutting it.

Nobody wants, well, 100% pure.

I go, they don't.

Well, we would be like if someone had a different thing, like, you know, I got funny gold running through my body.

So if you want to keep funny gold, funny comedian, you got to marry a funny woman.

Now, my wife is a really funny woman.

She can do impressions, characters.

She's really sharp.

So you don't, you got to keep going with that lineage.

So

you don't want to be at a comedy club.

Look over there's three guys not funny.

Yeah, on amateur night, they're not putting them up.

because, or he says, I'm funny, so I'm so funny.

I can marry someone that's not funny, but you guys, you have to marry someone funny.

That's it, yeah.

I could marry an MC, but you got to marry a MC.

You got to marry a headliner.

You got it to be two headliners, two headliners.

Don't, yeah, don't, don't,

don't water it down, don't water down the gold, the comedy gold.

You want to get a gold album?

500,000.

It's so funny to watch the kids go.

And then he says, Your mom's got that big forehead.

They're like, what?

It is like, I knew someone who did think about breeding in that sense.

Yeah.

I think people do think about it after, like, oh, what's my kid going to look like?

Oh, with this person, what will it look like?

Will it have your eyes?

Will it be

strong?

You know, will it be whatever?

Well, and then the gene pool, I knew a woman who was kind of, she wanted to marry a tall guy, and the guy was like our height, basically.

She's kind of disappointed.

The the kid is 6'3.

oh

the kids shot up just have a i i knew a guy who's uh he was six feet his kid went to six nine i mean you never know or unless the mailman was yeah mailman's involved

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My wife's in-laws came to visit and they're in in their 80s and they're irish and they didn't they we wanted to put them up somewhere and so we we got an airbnb

and we went to it it was right in the little town and it was spectacular it was just amazing and they loved it and so they had privacy in their time they could walk around the little town and we didn't have to put them up here and have someone say do you know could i Where would I get a towel if I needed a towel?

You know, that kind of thing.

Where do you keep your shale?

could I get a washcloth please but anyway

they were really

that they this goes to Ireland you know no but they're they're incredibly sweet and they had a great time you already have an Airbnb that's right while you're away your home could be an Airbnb your home might be worth more than you think check it out find out how much at airbnb.com slash host

all right next one

dana we're really doing good i i i know This is one of my favorites.

This is one I sent in because I thought it was interesting.

A, I'm obsessed with black wood osmarison.

They scare the shit out of me.

And B, Venus flytraps are so interesting.

Nature continues to be.

I was always under the assumption that spiders got their necessary nutrients and hydration from the prey that they caught.

But I have now witnessed on multiple occasions when the spider comes across the Venus flytrap's nectar, it starts to

get and just just like any other prey, gets addicted to the nectar and intoxicated.

Hey, play it smart for a while.

He stays in the edges.

Oh, I don't want to say it's a trap, but it is a trap.

It's essential that the prey keeps on moving to stimulate the trigger hairs and let the plant know that it's caught something alive

and that it's worth starting the digestive process.

As the prey starts to fill the grass of the plant.

Wow.

So the plant does not have a brain?

I don't know.

It's weird.

It's genetically this clever thing.

Defense mechanism that, like, it waits and waits, and it has to be stepped on a few times.

And even spiders, they knew not to go in the middle, but the nectar is so good, they start to go deeper, and it's like

some kind of drunk.

They're a little anesthetized and kind of out of it.

It's literally a trap.

And they want them to fight.

And when they fight, the planet releases better stuff.

Crazy.

It's just a nature thing that's so nuts.

What the fuck happened on this planet?

What happened?

What happened?

I mean, we got the weird.

Are there pyramids on the moon?

What's going on?

Do we have to go to any other planet?

Just go in a forest or the ocean?

Yeah, look at how nuts it is here.

It's not boring.

It's nuts.

Yeah, you can go 100 miles down in the ocean and just see a thing like this big

with one eye

10 feet down.

What is the point?

What is the point?

It's got two eyes.

Are there cylinders miles underneath the pyramids?

I don't know.

Oh, the pyramids.

That's just alien intervention.

I mean, it's just aliens.

It's a coincidence.

I mean, they've studied it.

They've gone all over the world.

I love it.

It is aliens.

There you go.

No one knows why we're here.

No one knows how we got here.

No one knows where the fuck we are so anything's possible i say pyramids under the pyramids and they're all aiming somewhere and they're all perfect longitude latitude they're on the opposite side of the world they're like going and they couldn't make those back then they didn't you can't make

they had some yarn and a couple strong guys let's build a house let's move this three-ton boulder dudes yeah they got way

fucking dirt

starting on stonehedge wood chips are those the ones where they say the bodies are underneath and they're just like this yeah but again ancient man couldn't have made that.

Are there giants in the Grand Canyon in the caves?

Well, I've seen them.

Then they walk down the river.

People should mate with those.

If you mate with like a nine-foot giant, then your kid will be about

seven feet.

If you mate with someone who has six eyes, your kid's going to have 12 eyes.

Okay, we'll do one or two more.

Right on a roller coaster, so long.

I can't believe

it.

I can't believe what's happening today.

Gamers have logged over 25 billion hours playing Call of Duty, surpassing the entire timeline of human history.

God dang, that's a stat.

25 billion hours.

Oh, about 2.8 million years.

I love the comments.

Well, I love the face, you know.

Yeah.

I like that people say, oh,

well, whatever.

I don't want to get into it, but the violence in these games has to reflect somewhat the violence of life because if you can professionally fake gun down other people for 12 hours a day every day for a year yeah and then you get out in the real world and you're like i'm so good at this yeah it's a weird thing for a kid to play that and just be hypnotized by it over hours upon hours they don't leave their room I know.

And so, you know, I'm an analog man in a digital world.

And I'll say that, you know, when I was at a certain age, we would play checkers.

And sometimes you try to get a king and go down.

Now it's like.

Even that was too violent, part cheesy.

Stratego was a horror show.

A lot of casualties.

I played Stratego.

That's a good one.

It's hard.

Stratego is good, man.

You probably just got in the corner.

Put bombs all around you and just bombs everywhere.

You were not offensive.

You were just...

I'd steal bombs bombs from another Strategico game and put more bombs.

I don't cheat.

I don't cheat.

I'd play Battleship and just lay the trap.

You sunk my Battleship was a great commercial.

That's what I say to people: go away to a cabin, shut everything off, play Monopoly.

You'll be much happier than all these electronic games.

And quit looking at and listening to podcasts for crying out loud.

Dana, Dana, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

No, no, no.

We're okay.

No, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no.

People are always doing other things

when they're looking or hearing us.

We're in the background of the blender.

They're driving, they're cooking, they're vacuuming, they're washing, they're bathing, they're hitching.

I listen to it while I'm cleaning the chimney.

I listen to it while I'm using a chainsaw.

I listen to it when I'm thinking of maybe who the opening season of 51 hosts will be.

SNL.

Yeah.

Are you already thinking of the host?

Well, Well, yeah, who's going to host the first show?

Oh, wow.

It's already coming back.

Yeah, pretty soon.

Oh, my God.

Jolly Nelly Ollie Ollie.

Jar Jar Banks.

Jar Jar Binks.

Well, he's not working.

Where's he been?

I know.

Wasn't he kind of.

He was a real one and done.

Yeah.

Well, the name, great name.

No one ever forgot it.

Jar Jar Banks.

Other than that, he had

Gervitz.

He was a Rastafarian kind of.

I'm George R.

Binks, man.

I can't.

No, he had a weird accent, and he was floating around like on a little propeller.

I don't starve.

Delightful.

Dana, it was great having you on.

I've run out of time.

Thank you for coming on the Dana Carvey Show.

My guest has been David Spate.

Thank you for having me.

Isn't it funny every week that I say it?

It's kind of funny.

I don't mind it.

I ran out of ad lips 313 hours ago.

By the way, I won't bother you with this, but my mom can't get her contacts back on her phone.

So if it's still going by next week, we're going get some people involved in the audience.

Oh, to help us.

Okay, now I heard a rumor that we're gonna try a couple of questions.

Oh, yeah, you want to do it?

Let's try it.

What's the worst thing could happen, Phil?

Hey, David and Dana.

Um, just wanted to know if you could give me some advice.

I just bought a house with my fiancé, and we have seven kids total.

What do I do?

Just what do I do?

Well,

how many Carveys Carbys were there?

Five kids?

There were five kids.

It was a baby, a two-year-old, six-year-old, eight-year-old, and a 10-year-old.

My mom was 31 years of age.

She screamed a lot, randomly.

I would too.

I'm sure your kids scream a lot, too.

That guy, if that guy's kind of fun enough,

then he played it very real.

So I kind of, I mean, you know what I mean?

Yeah, I mean, if it's true, let's say he has seven kids.

Let's say it's seven kids.

He's not married, but he's had seven kids.

Wait, I thought he said he had

fiancé.

Oh, what's it going to take to close the sale, guy?

Jesus, what do you need?

Double-digit progeny until you bring up.

I mean, my God, you got seven.

When's it going to get serious?

Woolworths has got a sale on account.

When are you going to jump off Riot?

What's going on?

What do you tell him, Dana?

Well, I would say try to get some help.

I mean, try to find somebody who can come by once in a while.

Are any of them old enough to help with work?

Right, if it's seven, you probably have a 10-year-old in there, 11-year-old.

Put them to work.

That's fine.

10 is working time.

Yeah.

Get the kids doing chores, vacuuming, cleaning, making their bed, military discipline.

You get a short haircut, start doing push-ups nightly, and marry your fiancé.

Yeah, I'm old at some point.

I would say maybe it's a money thing at this point, so maybe not.

You're basically married.

Listen, you're not going to get far.

I would say it's fun to do a little thing to us, but it's a little thing called Kickstarter.

Oh, get a Kickstarter?

Get a Kickstarter.

Is that like a GoFundMe?

Yeah.

Or film it as a reality show.

Call the what was it, Goslings, or who was it?

Kate Plus Eight, was it?

Yeah.

OctoMom.

That's the best advice.

Get a reality show.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay, one more.

We have time for one more question with horrible advice.

Yeah.

Okay.

Dana, when did you start learning the drums?

What inspired you to start?

I'm amateur, but Garth is what made me start learning.

David?

David, do you have any similar hidden talents playing the instruments?

Just one.

Thought we'd go the whole episode without it.

The last second.

I could never not enjoy hearing that.

The trombone.

What was the question for you?

Drums.

Oh, they did it because of Garth.

I think that's cool.

That is nice.

I mean,

serious answer is like my brother and I were into the Beach Boys.

I had a brother, you know, I was like six.

He was eight at that point.

And we had a band called The Surfers on crayons.

We wrote on the Hampter.

I would kick that.

I had a Hardy Boys book as my snare drum.

I shoplifted sticks,

and and

he bought a one-string guitar at a garage sale for a dollar, and he would play Louie Louie.

And I was doing that, and that's how I started.

And then

we stretched out a slinky and played that.

Okay, here's a fun fact.

For me, and you could look it up, I played a drum solo as the church lady on SNL.

And because of the size of the kit and the thing I was doing, that was a better drum solo for me than the drum solo I did in the movie as Garth.

That was different size.

Yeah, because the set was so big.

So that looked that up.

Church Lady plays the drums.

Does your back hurt when you're on that little stool?

I can never do it.

And then you're there.

Do you have to lean over the whole time and you got to kick on the bottom with your feet?

Well, you remember we had Bill, Bill.

Bill Burr, and we talked about drums, you know?

For 35 minutes, yeah.

Yeah, I know, which was fun.

But yeah, it is about relaxation and not trying, you know, not trying to hit them.

You just want to come with your wrists and boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

But here we go.

I can't hear myself, but that's what I would do.

All right, we'll end on that one.

That was great advice, whatever we say.

Thank you guys again, and we'll see you next time.

See you next week on another edition.

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Fly on the Wall is presented by Odyssey, an executive produced by Danny Carvey and David Spade, Heather Santoro and Greg Holtzman, Maddie Sprung-Kaiser, and Leah Reese Dennis of Odyssey.

Our senior producer is Greg Holtzman, and the show is produced and edited by Phil Sweet Tech.

Booking by Cultivated Entertainment.

Special thanks to Patrick Fogarty, Evan Cox, Maura Curran, Melissa Wester, Hilary Schuff, Eric Donnelly, Colin Gaynor, Sean Cherry, Kurt Courtney, and Lauren Vieira.

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You can email us at flyonthewall at odyssey.com.

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