Concert AFFAIR & David is Gifted a Meteorite by Dana White

Dana, what does a confident smile say to you? And maybe more importantly, what does it say about you? With Smile Generation, it says you're taking care of more than just your teeth because confidence doesn't start and stop at a bright smile. It's about your whole body wellness.
Smile Generation reimagines oral health as the gateway to long-term confidence. Why? Because oral health issues have been linked to heart disease, diabetes, and even cognitive conditions.

When you care for your smile, you're investing in your future.

And that confidence, it starts with feeling supported.

With Smile Generation trusted providers, you're not just another patient, you're a partner. They prioritize personal, patient-focused care that truly listens to you.

Plus, with education and preventive care at the core,

Smile Generation empowers you to understand the connection between your mouth and overall health so you can stop issues before they start. Here's your chance to take the first step.
Smile Generation is offering a $59 new patient special. That's a comprehensive exam, cleaning, and x-rays, a $290 value.
New patients only. Offer not valid for TRICARE or Medicare Advantage.
May be covered by insurance subject to plan restrictions. Book by December 31st, 2025.
Visit smilegeneration.com slash five for full terms and to book now. You know how it goes.
Getting super into something that can lead to watching it, listening to it, reading about it, maybe even picking up something to go with it. That's where Prime comes in.
Amazon Prime isn't just fast, free delivery, though to be honest, that's a lifesaver. It's also Prime Video, Amazon Music, and so much more.
Whatever the interest, it's on Prime. Lately, there's been a dive into new recipes, catching up on lifestyle documentaries, and building the perfect playlist to match.
And Prime has been part of it all. It's like a one-stop shop for any passion, whether it's fashion, food, family, or discovering the next favorite show.
So for anyone always exploring something new or rediscovering something meaningful, Prime is right there.

Whatever you're into, it's on Prime.

From streaming to shopping, it's on Prime.

Visit Amazon.com slash Prime to get more out of whatever you're into.

Amazon.com slash Prime.

Oh, we've always, we've never ended. Oh, sir, we've always started.

Oh, we're starting, trust me.

Yeah, this is.

And we don't really, we don't really shoot out of the cannon at the beginning.

La-da-da-da-da-da-da.

Talking.

Ba!

Yeah, but everyone knows.

So I have a coat on.

That's good.

That's the first order of business that everyone's psyched about.

And then Dana might have a new something in the background.

People ask me sometimes, you know, when we're not on, they say,

what's stuff

in spades background what's it about here's my reaction okay i don't even look at him you think i'm looking at the background oh here's a good note that's a good one eye shot I don't know

here's one

you ever been around a Karen

you know a Karen

yeah eyes shut? I don't know. Here's one.
You ever been around a Karen? You know, a Karen? Yeah. For the elbows up and the one eyes closed.
Excuse me. Okay.
We were here a half hour ago and I do not have a glass. That's Chardonnay.
All right. Karen's the worst term.
I know. What is it for men who are kind of dicks? Dick? A dick, or a Doug? Do we have a name of a guy? We don't have a Karen equivalent, do we? There probably is.
I haven't heard it because no one would dare call me because it would be lights out. Never.
I've said this before. Never do a TV show and call it lights out because

then when the lights go out it's like a self-fulfilling prophecy which was my

favorite talk show by the way right we should have called it lights never go out mm-hmm yeah if we do it again we'll call it lights on and then you'll be like and then they'll go well the lights out for lights on either that or just call it uncancellable welcome back to uncancellable if that's a word oh it's a ken someone says it's a ken a ken karen and ken and what are the characteristics i'm offended by both you get offended easily no yeah you know not not to be critical or judgmental but but you're easily, you're kind of like, you know, I'm offended by you criticizing me being offended. I can't, I look, I've flunked algebra in high school.
I don't need these kinds of questions. Dude, everyone's been asking about my fantasy football draft.
All right. Let me, I want to know, cause I want to see if I can possibly understand what that fai yuck you're talking about it's the one where i thought it was two minutes between rounds but it was eight hours yeah on draft kings and so i'm not done i haven't seen you in a week i'm not done i'm not even close to done i've made about 12 picks it's so i want to say interesting but it's more infuriating because it nags at you you're like wait and it doesn't alert you so i just look on it's like oh you're up in 21 picks i go oh better hold tight that could be six weeks from now so sometimes it picks up a little bit god heather's such a disaster the whole place is falling Heather doing the dishes in the background? Heather's doing the dishes.
No, she's trying to stay awake during the story. She just fell out of her chair.
She's loading it. Anyway, that's the story.
I'll play therapist on your fantasy football. Yeah.
David, do this fantasy football, 12 picks. Answer me this.
What are you getting out of this behavior? My dad left me. God, you struck gold right away.
My dad left me is like the answer to every question. Yeah.
I think it's an escape. Fantasy football is a good escape from the chaos of all the stuff going on in the world.
Well, that's a great answer, and I totally get it. I didn't think of this phrase, and people ask me things that I do.
Brain Candy. Why'd you watch that show, Brain Candy? Why'd you play guitar, Brain Candy? Oh, it is, yeah.
Just you got a chatterbox, the world's on fire, we're all going to die, and then you go to Brain Candy. For for you it's like number 33 from the chicago bears david spade picks flill flight night yeah and then he does badly and it ruins my whole week yeah it's fake it's drama that has it can actually make you mad and that's it's like golf or something like i golf then you can actually i don't get quite as mad at golf as you would think uh when i screw up but when when i fantasy football you get your buddies and you guys all get in arguments it's it's so ridiculous i think that ritualizing fun things and having your brain decide that it actually matters when it really doesn't like My brother was so into the 49ers when the 49ers would play he'd build up a ritual shrine i mean the whole room was too much and then he got a puppet of joe montana oh boy and on third and long he would do kind of an exorcist type thing you go the power of joey compels you the compels you.
Hut one, hut two. The power.
And he would throw it at the TV. Usually it would fly over the TV.
And then if he scored. Oh, and it helped throw the ball.
Yeah. Oh, yeah.
The power of Joey compels you. This little Joe Montana.
And then if Joe scored a touchdown, he had a 49er football helmet full of beer. It was a special thing.
And everyone had to take a drink of the beer. So I go, this is like a small life.
This guy's making something pretty exciting. People do make sports a big deal.
And it is fun. I do like football season.
I will tell you not to change subjects, but I might have a solution to these ice raids everyone's mad about. Ready? All right.
It's a horrible solution. Okay.
Heather looks up. All ears.
Heather can't wait.

The solution to the ice raids.

Go.

Because in California, it's a big deal.

So they've been coming around and they take people and they put them in a van.

You don't know for sure what's going on.

So maybe if they just made one tweak, instead of immigrants, they grab homeless people.

Then they throw them in the van and we don't know where they took them and then they're all gone what it's not now i mean i don't know how many people would fight it it's like oh your words not mine now your idea is to substitute illegal aliens for homeless people and you never know where that where they went is that your plan your words not mine yeah that's your plan i plead the fifth i would say you know they talk about epstein island just homeless island just and have it be fantastic take an island out in the pacific make it beautiful condos everything we have about have about 70,000 in California and just say, do you want to? And do it. Fantasy life cruise, go out there.
I mean, the billions they're paying or throwing away or not using. It's like you have all these billions.
Billions is a lot of money. So say we're going to rent all the Carnival cruise ships and we're going to say, take everyone here.
and then they have or take them out to Burning Man and set up a whole

thing So say we're going to rent all the Carnival cruise ships, and we're going to say, take everyone here. And then they have.
Or take them out to Burning Man and set up a whole cabin. I don't know.
I used to do a Trump thing. They need ice.
You got to have ice. They say the glaciers are melting.
I know how to make ice. I can make a lot of ice.
I'll take all the ice from the Trump Hotel. I'll put them on the Carnival cruise ship.
They're friends of mine. I know these people.

We go and we make glaciers.

Sorry, I snuck that in.

Actual ice.

Actual ice.

You can get all the ice from the Trump hotels.

There's a lot of ice.

I can tell you that.

I can promise you that.

It's a tremendous amount of ice.

You put it on the Carnival cruise ships.

They go up to Antarctica and they make glaciers.

Oh, they add it?

Oh, they make glaciers.

That's not a bad idea.

She's got a lot of questions for my pit.

Well, we were just talking about the other ice. It's put down my pit number two jesus dana we'd like to uh talk cross-examine your bit i have a quick thing for us today this was this little dovetail so uh that the only way to solve the epstein thing is to have everybody go in and testify.
Like anybody famous, they go in and testify. Now, Mr.

Pitt, is that your real name? Yep.

Have to your knowledge, your words, not mine,

my words, your nerds, ever been on the Epstein Island?

Nope. And why do you say that?

Because I was never on the island. All right.
Well, chair,

I'm going to go to the next episode. nope and why do you say that because I was never on the island all right well chair I dismissed Mr.
Pitt that's a good plan it's Brad Pitt yeah now my next one is Mr. Schwarzenegger were you ever on Epstein Island no because I don't like islands.
I only like landmass. No gym.
I like that he says, I prefer landmass. I like landmass.
I don't like little girly islands. I like landmass.
All right. I hear you.
Is he dismissed? I guess so. I don't want to work these bits out because i know you're going to join in and they'll just be sort of fun i know they kind of run i like it i i go to an island i do coconut curls you can work out wherever you go do you know that i i like when i when i hear other people do arnold it makes me happy it's so.
Mine are always bad. This isn't better than talking.
I actually used to do this 20-minute bit called Predator Island. This is pre-Epstein, where all the kind of canceled men would go, and that would be hosted by Arnold.
Welcome to Predator Island, where we take care of all the Predator people. Look, there's Woody Allen.
What are you doing here yeah because you know we think that you know the charge is false you know run i lay down ground fire run woody

run to the brambles wearing my khakis i should have brought some sweats yeah look rocio donald

is in racist look at jesse smollett he at Jussie Smollett. He's on Hoax Mountain.
Hoax Mountain. I like that.
Lay down some ground fire. So anyway, that was my...
I like it. You came literally loaded.
I am loaded. I had a little extra in my orange juice.
My mom, I'm worried because sometimes she takes her dog's drugs. I thought it was by accident, but I don't know if it's concerning.
Well, wait a minute. Sometimes she takes her dog's drugs? Is she Mr.
Magoon? Only like tramadol. Because I think she ran out and she hurt her leg.
And she goes, it's the same thing. I'm like, I don't know.
She goes, Davey, Davey, relax. It's just a pooch pill, Davey.
It's just a pooch pill. We were all together on the 4th of July.
She's like, Davey, go say hi to that lady over there. She said she was your biggest fan.
Oh, why? You're going to keep eating lunch? I go, I'll go over there in a minute. Oh, I don't like when you get like this.
These are fans. I know.
I literally, I'm always nice anyway. No joke.
But sometimes it's funny because right now she's got me on the hook for two different things and she's like he's texting me up the wazoo about it i go mom oh my god you know people get to her and then they go just tell them to do this and she's like done parents you know parents parents and so having a child got kind of lucky in free market america I got on, and then they just root for you. Like I had my career was like a roller coaster, you know.
When I was on a downslope, my parents would call me. They'd be on vacation in Montana.
My mom would go, you sure got a lot of fans up here, Dana. Yeah, that's very nice.
My dad would go, oh, Jesus Christ, you got a lot of fans up here. Yeah, I like it.
It kind of picks you up because you think things aren't going good, and it's always like up and down, and they're always pulling for you. Ideally, but she is for sure.
Well, and the good thing, too, is when you're on SNL, and you're dressed like a tomato or with a clown nose on and floppy feet, you're doing this goofy sketch, just check yourself for a second and go, look what I'm doing. Don't take it too seriously.
I get paid to dress like a bagel? Yeah, I asked Jerry Seinfeld about that. I go, should I take it seriously? No! Well, what should I take seriously? Nothing! Why are you taking it seriously? I did hear him him yesterday on instagram i love jerry going like nothing matters this is his latest advice it's just it doesn't matter like these things these people that you think hate you they'll be gone soon everything will just be gone you'll be gone it will be gone it's all gone it's stoicism it's a way to not take this this life too seriously and really, this is a fact.
I looked it up. That in the next 150 years, 8 billion people will die.
And then they'll be dead for at least a trillion years. Jesus.
Brought to you by bummer. God damn.
Let's go to a commercial. You know those mornings where everything feels like it's moving 100 miles an hour? Emails are flying in.
You're trying to hit your protein goals. Somehow you're already running late? Yes.
Same. That's exactly when I hit pause and I head to Tropical Smoothie Cafe.

Whether I'm craving something bold and fruity or warm and savory, Tropical Smoothie Cafe makes it easy breezy. I'll grab a peanut paradise smoothie, 22 grams of smooth peanut buttery protein, or mix it up with a PB protein crunch bowl, packing a punch at 32 grams of protein.
And when I'm in a breakfast sandwich mood, their sausage, egg, and cheese, Dilla, or the all-American wrap are always hot, toasty, and packed with the protein I need to actually power through my day. Not just survive it.
The best part? I order ahead in the app, swing by, and grab it on the go. No waiting, no stress, just me, my smoothie, and a much-needed mental getaway.
Every smoothie, bowl, and wrap is made to order, filled with better-for-you ingredients and serious good vibes. So go ahead, manifest a more refreshing morning.
Tropical Smoothie Cafe, you're on Tropic Time now. Hello, it's Lena Dunham.
I host a podcast called The C-Word with my dearest friend and historian of bad behavior, Alyssa Bennett.

What is up?

It's a chat show about women whose society is called crazy.

We're going to be rediscovering the stories of women's society dismissed by calling them mad, sad, or just plain bad. Listen to and follow The C-Word with Lena Dunham and Alyssa Bennett, available now, wherever you get your podcasts.
You don't need a fly on the wall to get the story on next level protection for your dogs. In fact, the only thing you need for that is NextGuard Plus, a Foxaloner, Moxie Dectin, and Pyrantil chewable tablets.
From birthday parties to costumes, social media accounts to puppy vacations, next level pet owners will do anything for their dogs. And when it comes to their health, that means giving them next level protection too.
That's why there's NextGuard Plus Chews. Your one and done solution for monthly protection that kills fleas and ticks, prevents heartworm disease, and treats and controls roundworms and hookworms, all in one tasty, beef-flavored soft chew.

My dog Joombug loves getting her monthly NexGuard Plus,

making it simple for me to protect her with a delicious chew she always enjoys.

NexGuard Plus packs a whole lot of powerful protection into one tasty chew,

making monthly dosing easy and enjoyable for both of you.

Used with caution in dogs with a history of seizures or neurologic disorders,

Talk to you soon. into one tasty chew, making monthly dosing easy and enjoyable for both of you.
Used with caution in dogs with a history of seizures or neurologic disorders, dogs should be tested for existing heartworm infections prior to starting a preventive. So the next time you're at the vet, ask about NexCard plus chews.
All right. I want to show one thing that's probably on our videos.
It was a Coldplay concert. It was like yesterday.
I like Coldplay. Whenever it was.
You know how they show the kiss cam in the audience? Oh, yeah. So they show this guy.
Fine, they're just jumping around. Yeah.
Oh, look at these two. Oh.
All right, come on. You're okay.
Oh, what? Busted. Either they're having an affair or they're just very shocked.
That's Chris Martin. And they say it looks like they were having an affair, and they both got popped.
Well, let me see it again. Let me see it again, because I want to see their – Okay, they're on.
They see – Oh, shit. Yeah, yeah, that's – Immediately, he disappears.
He drops. I've got something to hide.
So he's a CEO of a big company, and it's not confirmed. I'm just going to say, putting that camera on them and what Chris Martin said is more than that.
It's a Coldplay, brother. Oh, fuck yeah, it is.
See, I did that. That's where he got the name, Coldplay, because he would always embarrass people in the audience.
He said, I think I'm going to name the band Coldplay. We'd put cameras on people, make fun of them.
I don't do a Chris Martin, but. You know who else? It felt like something that Mr.
Freeze would do. Mr.
Freeze, I'll freeze you ice. Mr.
Freeze, I put the Freeze camera on you. Now you're diving to the headboard out of embarrassment because you're having an illicit fear.
Run, run. I lay down ground fire.
He played Mr. Freeze in Batman.
And you know what? He was actually, that movie sucked of all the Batmans, but Arnold was great in Mr.'s great he was so committed did you hear the tommy lee jones jim carrey story where no jim carrey comes in he tommy lee jones is this serious actor he's playing two-face and jim carrey's playing the joker the riddler something ridiculous yeah uh he's the ridd believe. Yeah, and he said, on one of his days off, he went to a restaurant,

and he saw him.

It sounds true.

I don't know.

I've got to ask.

I'll let you know.

Jim sees him and goes up to him and says hi to him at his table,

and he says, it's been so fun acting in this movie with you.

And he goes, you, sir, are not an actor. You, sir, are a clown.
I am an actor, and I'm in a movie with a clown. We are not the same.
Isn't that awesome? Well, I've heard that story so many times. Let's ask Jim Carrey.
I heard the same story, but I think what it was is that he was having dinner with Casey Kasem and he said that to him and then Casey said let me answer this you sir are not an actor you are a clown that's all you'll ever be I'm Casey Kasem and checking in at number five prime rib and then Scooby under the table me a right. Scooby thinks he's an actor.
Scooby thinks he's an actor. What do you think, Scoob? Ground.
Ground? Clown. Oh, clown.
Scooby has trouble with his L's. I couldn't think faster.
I think Q&A with Shaggy and Scooby is good. And then the audience could try to figure out what the fayuck you're saying.
Scooby, who do you think is a better actor? Al Pacino or Robert De Niro? Which one can I say better? Rarene Rowe. Rarene Rowe.
Robert De Niro. That's Pacino.
Oh, Pacino? I said, well, you said O at the end. Pacino, I see.
Oh, that's a good one, man. Thanks for that.
God, same amount of syllables. Scooby was fucked on that one.
Scooby, Scooby, Scooby. Who do you think's a better actor, Scoob? Let's see.
Don't scooby on the spot christopher walken or leonardo dicaprio real it's easier to say real no i give me a dicaprio it's as scooby no scooby i said real because leo is easier to say as scooby You don't want to rip on his voice box.

Jesus Christ.

Well, I've cast you as Scooby and me as Shaggy,

but you do a great Shaggy,

so sometimes I'll do a...

Okay, I'll do it.

Who's a better actor?

Christopher... Wait.
What the fuck? Christian Bale or Benicio Del Toro? I don't know. He doesn't know.
I didn't know he couldn't have an opinion. Look, look, everybody.
I'm working right now. He goes, you got any sausages? he doesn't want to get a quiz he wants a fucking sausages that's what dogs like i don't know scoob i don't like i don't like this whole bit it's run into a ditch let's get that'll i'm gonna go some ground fire zoinks that's a good one yeah i should use that more zoinks well scoob i'm scared there's a ghost following us what what should we do zoinks what does zoinks mean it means a lot of things no but case Kasem is the guy doing it but yeah but Scooby is higher you're right and my highest compliment I guess were some comments like hey man the dude sounds exactly like Casey Kasem not knowing that Casey Kasem was shaky but Shaggy goes a little higher octave like Sco Scoob.
Scoob, he kind of breaks.

He's always scared.

Oh, Scoob, yeah.

Shag's kind of a puss.

Is Shaggy always on fucking drugs or something?

He looks like a burnout.

Well, they made him into kind of a hippie burnout, the character.

Well, let's go to the sphere.

Scoob, I suddenly have double vision.

I don't think I want to ride the Matterhorn today. Scoob, did you have those mushrooms? Ruh-roh.
Ruh-roh is the most famous. Ruh-roh is the most famous.
We never do it. Ruh-roh.
Ruh-roh. All right, let's do more hot stories.
Yeah, that's it. Hmm.
Oh, so Brittany, who we like. Britney did an Instagram post where she said that she adopted a kid.
But that's exactly the reaction is this. Well, first of all, we love Britney, but at some point when she was semi-locked down, maybe it wasn't a horrible idea.
Maybe they know more than we know as an outsider that maybe she needs a little guidance. Well, what I love about the byline, oops, I didn't adopt a kid or a dog, dot, dot, dot, quote quote just having fun online ha ha well i don't know if the team does that after or she does or i don't know i don't know yeah i know the team we were talking about the other day it is amazing how much i hear that freaking word team my team your team if i'm on a corporate date wherever i am anybody our team will go back to you you to you.
You have a team. You have a really big team.
You're looking at the beginning and end of my team. I don't have a team.
You're my team. Heather's my team.
I do answer for you a lot. You know, I have residual Casey Case and voice.
Heather's my team. You're my team.
Sometimes I do a voice and i can't get out of it when we do we're doing yamava casino down here in um yeah let's promote that yamava casino one night only danis far flow and david spudler with all their wacky shenanigans there you go does dana still need we heard he needs uh his raisins cut in half and a bowl and I go, yep. I just talked to him.
I'm his team. And that's what the team says he needs.
Before he can go on, he can't do one impression without it. Yes.
What's your ritual one minute before you go out so the fans can know? You have one minute, Mr. Spade.
Ketchup, mustard, ketchup, mustard. Actually, what I do do is I usually go in the bathroom or the dressing room.
If people are there and I don't want to kick them out, I just go in the bathroom and I look at my notes and I go, I got to figure out the first minute what's going on. Visualize what's going on out there.
What are you going to say? You can get spooked like a horse if you don't know what's going on and you get thrown right away. It's hard to get it so go out there think on the first joke think of something about the city or whatever i want to do just about that before i sort of get into a groove but if you get it if you get if you come out on solid footing then you can do better sometimes you get thrown by something in the audience or lights are too bright or something you uh-oh.
What's yours? I'd say that I sort of peek around the curtain and try to catch a vibe. Oh, you do? If there's a lot of hubbub, a lot of energy.
I do that a little earlier when they announce the show and the lights go down and the opener's on. I go look and say, oh, they're doing great.
Yeah. Earlier, I'm in an ice bath in the dressing room you're in ice from noon to five just to wake myself up but um i would say nothing defeats like if you can have second show energy in a first show because when you have to do a second show which is is more than twice as hard seconding you just you just have that mode of like i just did that you know i mean you're you're much more of a good not judging yourself out there i think it comes up for the first show because listen we've all done the road where you do two shows a night is very common on weekends and we all did even in the old days the heyday of clubs three on a saturday but to get your energy up, it sounds like you don't.
We're very mellow. But if you do that and you can't help but come off, the adrenaline goes down a little bit.
And then you kind of level off. And you've got to bring it back up.
It's very weird on the body. You start to sleep.
And then you go, oh, my God, I got to get back up again. Jeez.
I would say that what I do when I walk out there is I try to do something that makes me laugh to myself. And so for a while now, they ask me, what do you want to go on to? So for some reason, I just, no reason except that it makes me laugh, that my theme when I come out is Suspicious Minds by Elvis Presley.
Yeah, great song. And the song, the crowd's always really happy.
And sometimes I start singing it with them. We can't go on together.
And so then I'm just thinking, this is, remember how ridiculous it is what we do. Goofy songs are good to come out.
Nobody Gonna Break My Stride. I think I came out to that once.
That's funny. Nobody gonna break my stride.
It just puts them in a goofy mood right from the beginning. I used to have Zeppelin, and it was great, but actually the energy of a loud Zeppelin song is almost too much energy to follow because it's too good.
I would say Zeppelin's the greatest, but probably the greatest heavy metal intro to a song, and to your point, it almost overwhelms the set. I stopped using was inner sandman by metallica and it just bill it's so fucking awesome but then it's like it's such a thing and then and then it quiets and it's just a single voice what's up des moines hi guys hi i went to the cornfields today.

When I hear someone do Garth, it makes me laugh harder than when I do it.

Yeah.

I mean, the crowd's going,

Hey, tonight.

Yeah.

Take my hand.

Go to the never, never land.

Hi.

Never, never land. Hi.
I'm'm Garth I'm happy now hi I bought a snow cone at your Dairy Queen didn't I? yeah I like to get jamocha almond fudge because it doesn't stop with jamocha you also have the fudge at the end I like when you share your dairy I know I gave her that Barbara Walters at at Baskin and Robbins. And then you're trying to think of all the flavors.
She came up with it like that. She jumped right on it like a pro.
Sherry, who I don't think is on yet. I'm flying the wall, but it's very soon if it's not.
I think we got Sandler up right now. I can't tell if this is going to air in 2026.
I'm so confused.

I know.

Hold me.

Believe me, the audience just clicks and goes,

I hope these assholes are funny.

We don't even know what's going on.

I always want to remind the audience,

first of all, subscribe that groups button.

Sorry.

Smash that bite.

Smash it.

Smash it.

And always remember, you can fast forward

or you could turn us off.

Or listen to the whole thing. You have options.
And always remember, you can fast forward or you could turn us off, you know, just, or listen to the whole thing. You have options and it's free.
Yeah. And we do the commercials too.
It's really, it's unbelievable. And we read the commercials are so great.
I like when people go, commercials are the funniest part. I go, well, that's concerning.
That's kind of a compliment. It's funnier than our trying to be funny parts.
You know what the best part of the show is, is when you guys are wrapping up and it's almost over? I love that part. You know what? I usually start with the credits, and then I turn it off.
You know what I do is I have it on the background when I'm cooking, and then after a while I turn the sound off and I'll see it a little bit. Yeah.
It's really good with the sound off. You know what your show is good for? When I'm cooking, I have the TV on the background and then I have the podcast on the background for the TV.
What I do sometimes when I need a break is I put on Angel Hour Pasta and I put it in and it's a two-minute. And you've got to really focus.
You go over to, it's gummy. So for that two minutes, I'm totally focused on the pasta and i don't have to listen that stupid podcast the good thing about your podcast is if i listen long enough you'll yell some joke that's so dumb and then i go okay finally they hit something and then it flatlines for about 22 minutes yeah the great thing about your podcast is that at a given moment i can tell that you're both really phoning it in.
That kind of makes me smile. Someone told me on the credits, it looks like Spade really phoned it in this time.
I go, I've been phoning it in since day one. I've got bad news.
Yeah, and what is the problem with phoning it in? It just means you're relaxed. Yeah, I go, do you have a phone? What are you from 1980? I have a cell phone.
Why are we having this ongoing war? Actually, someone asked me what my sound machine was called, that one that makes all the noises. Okay, let's.
It's called Soundboard. It's hysterical, though.
But it's easy laughs. I want to pitch something.
First of all, I don't think anyone can totally monopolize and have a monopoly on those little sounds so i'm saying david and dana's oh yeah soundy soundboard yeah call it something else soundy woundy or whatever i go you can have sounds like this if sydney sey walks in the room. Do you hear that?

Yeah, but put it further on the mic.

Give it a little louder.

Okay.

You get a boner.

Yeah.

When Dana does a joke.

That's a boo.

Yeah, we could just put some classic ones in there like,

get to the chopper. I could do some just one- know i could do some just one that's a good one why do i not have every time i think it's so funny and i have it you don't when dana does a bad joke kong when dana does a joke that he thinks is funny I hit the wrong one

now here's Dana. Here's Dana when he closes the Yamaha Casino.
Such a gift. We got to figure out who's going to open.
I like to open, but you like to close.

I don't care.

I'll do whatever you want.

I'm your opener, man.

We're both there.

You know what you said the other day that was funny?

We said something that was a bit murky, and you said it's a murk fest.

Did I?

You're funny.

Thank you for keeping track of my funniest side.

Every couple weeks you say something funny, I scribble it down. Okay.
What's going on in the next story? Top tier AI employees at Meta, which is Zuckerberg, will earn a base salary of $100 million. What? With bonuses of up to $300 million a year.
What? I can safely say we're in the wrong business. There's no way.
Wait, offering compensation? It's up to, so. Mm-hmm.
You might only get $50 million. You might only get nothing.
But the base of $100 is nice. But what do you- Oh, is it base? Yeah, that's your salary.
That is base. Wow.
Hi, I'm Mark Zuckerberg. So what I'm going to pay you is 100 million a year as a base salary, and then you can earn bonuses of up to 300 million per year.
Where are you going? What did you get at your last job? I got 32,000 a year with no bonus. Okay, we're going to 100 million and the nerds are like okay that

sounds good 100 billion and then maybe 300 billion bonus so thank you so much i'll just be going to my car now call my wife it's a world where everybody feels poor because there's things like that they're like oh should i be getting 100 million at my job like no truer words have ever been spoken by you, David.

So true.

The constant onslaught of people on 500 foot long yachts and just just sodom and gomorrah parties and jets and money and power you know it just makes people feel bad about it should be banned there's always people making way more but there more, but there's always people making less. It's an illusion.
It's an illusion. Most people are struggling at some level.
It reminds me of Superman. There's a tear in the Earth's fiber and there's a prism of a black hole.
Is that in the movie? I haven't seen it yet. That's what I got from it.
Oh, you haven't seen it yet? Oh, you don't want to know? Toy boat, toy boat, toy boat. You don't want to know who wins? Okay.
Lex Luthor? Martin Luther Lex? Oh, yeah. We can't talk about it until you see it.
Sometimes I will, because I want to be transparent on this podcast. I'll wiki and get kind of, like when I watched the last Mission Impossible, there's so much confusion that I just didn't look at that.
Okay, there's a thing that has to connect to a thing. So once in a while.
Yeah. Once in a while, it's okay to kind of know if it's a very confusing movie.
I assume Superman's pretty straightforward, but with you, you get a little tired. Here's the impression of you watching Superman in the theater.
What's going on? I don't really get it. I don't understand.
Who does the dog belong to? Who are the bad guys? What's the guy with the weird head? Is that a dog? Why is the dog here? Is it lost? Where's the enigma? is that only in the other movie yeah impossible superman should be they could make that with ai just take those two movies and make impossible superman tom you'd have tom cruise in there oh i can't tell you anything about it well you can let me just say this one thing i read all the comic books as a kid okay i like people go i'll tell you one thing this doesn't even give away anything this won't give anything. So tell you this one thing.
I read all the comic books as a kid, okay? I like people.

I'll tell you one thing.

This doesn't even give away anything. This won't give away anything.

So tell me that one thing.

He dies in the first five minutes.

And it gives away nothing.

One thing I am interested in.

No, that's not true.

Because the original was like amazing.

This is the original modern era.

You're talking about Chris Reeve?

Okay.

And so the director, James Gunn, said, okay, i want someone who can do a brando and be his dad and so he picked um bradley cooper who's a fantastic actor but my head is still stuck on brando i wish they just kept brando with ai or something oh yeah yeah well there's Coop, as I call him. Nothing against Coop.
He's a brilliant actor. Coop is one of his dads.
There's only one Brando. You hear what I said? What? Bradley Cooper is one of his dads.
Well, that's what I mean. Oh, you mean in real life? No, in the movie.
But in real life too?

No, he's one of his dads.

You mean there's more than one dads?

I don't know.

Is that some Krypton thing?

You have two fathers, Scoob, on planet Krypton.

Right, wrong, wrong.

I don't know.

Gee, secret keeper.

Well, I don't want to tell you because you haven't seen it.

When am I going to see it? His dad is the dog. And everyone goes, well, okay, come on.
His dad is a dog? No. He does have a dog in the movie.
I saw the preview when he's in the ice. I can tell you that.
He's in the ice like... And then you see the dog running in.
Yeah. He's beaten up, which which is it's always funny when these superheroes get beat up because you go aren't you made of steel but he gets beat up and he's like bleeding i didn't even know he could bleed either and he goes i guess i have no life in me but i need my i need to whistle and he goes at like one million decibels for about three minutes straight you go you do, you do have some energy left.
Ow, ow, ow. Don't, don't.
Don't. Everyone's throwing their laptop out the window.
Well, here's the thing that I've always found problematic with these Marvel superhero movies. You got the Hulk.
Nothing can destroy him. He's going to have a fist fight fight with some giant lizard and nothing can destroy or hurt either one of them and they pound the shit out of each other for 10 minutes and they kind of walk away it's like and they go no one can get beat up so why do you fight for a half hour the whole the whole goal of superman having seen the movie is to make you think he's actually in danger at some point yeah and that's the whole goal whole goal of the movie.
Otherwise, like, oh, I guess he's going to get out of this one. But the problem with Superman versus Batman is Batman is a person who can easily die.
Is he? Batman is, isn't he? Is Batman a person? Your words, not mine. Your movie, not mine.
Your superhero, not mine. No, I know.
Batman was just yeah it's just uh so you're fighting the biggest star in the world superman that's not even from here and you're supposed to beat him can i just make an observation for a second briefly yes in the analog days for all you you millennials and you heathers and you youngins the analog days you might go on a vacation and you might be in a shitty cabin near a lake and there's a little store you go into first of all they got a thing you it's it says coca-cola on the outside and you put it up and it's all cold drinks like knee-high soda and root beer and you take them out and you buy them and then they have stacks of comic books and you have no tv no electronics no wi-fi nothing to do nothing so you get a superman versus batman comic book and you go just hang out on a wood pile also use your imagination a lot because you have to picture the that was heaven heaven and there was creepy was Creepy Magazine 2, creepy comic books, which were kind of scary. But that was when you're somewhere.
Which was your diary. In for people now, if you go somewhere and you don't have Wi-Fi and you don't have any television electronics and you look over, you see a bookcase, you go, I think I'm going to read Moby Dick.
Right. It's just raw dogging.
I mean, early on, people talk about raw dogging in a flight. But when you're a kid, Richie Rich, I read a lot for some reason, the poor little rich kid.
And I think I would dream of like, because we didn't have that much money, I'm like, look at this fucking kid. He has like a Rolls Royce skateboard.
I'm like, yeah, so great. You remember the dates where the windows were up the entire flight and the pilot would come on uh the grand canyon can be seen to the left this is this was exciting yeah it's exciting now it's funny that in the day they all put the thing down no you're a it's pitch black too but you're on your electronics one time i wasn't paying attention suddenly i heard the bus land oh you land yeah it's like it's very.
I don't really like it if one person that's always to my right side has their window fully blasting on me. So it's giving me a headache here.
But everyone else is down. So there should be.
I know. It's sad life I have.
I got to get mine. This is what I felt bad about.
You ever actually do feel bad about your behavior because you weren't paying attention yeah so i'm on a flight it's from hawaii so uh unfortunately two hurricanes have merged together and they're in our path so stay seated so everyone's got their thing down so i want to use the restroom very badly so i'm looking i keep opening the window and looking at the weather and closing it and opening, looking at the weather and closing it. So I must've done it too much because as we're getting our bags, this woman goes, yeah, yeah.
You liked to open and close the window a lot, didn't you? Yeah, you did it the whole time. Yeah, you did.
And then I said intuitively, I didn't want to have an argument. I said, well, you should have told me.
No, they're not going to tell some superstar no one knows who i am you do not have an argument i said well you oh you should have told me no they're

not going to tell some superstar no one knows who i am you do not you know how invisible i am i mean look at look at this i have the sunglasses dana where'd you go who's this exactly with you and like i've said before you are famous fame oh you are like walking around with a disney character Mickey Mouse or Pluto it's because I wear my grown-up shirt we go out I go what well you've got you've been in some blockbusters you know no listen I if I went around dressed as Garth I'd get mobbed right but no one knows who I know some people know me. It's the way it always is.
You never know. The ones that matter when you're like at the airport and you want to get into their restaurant because you have 20 minutes to eat, they're like, that'll be a two and a half hour line.
I'm like this. Because they're not giving you the...
No, they don't give me jack shit. What I do, if someone does come up and they've got this, I put them out of their misery.
I always go, let's take a picture. They go, really? Yeah, sometimes it's better to just say, let's do it.
Yeah, let's do it. Come on.
Because they're standing there with their phone like this going... You might...
You go, you want to take a picture? Oh, yeah, okay. Yeah, they're like...
And then they go, take off your sunglasses. This is them taking it.
Take off your hat. Oh, yeah, they're all nervous.
They can't open their phone. They ask me, do you know how to work it? Yeah, they go, can we take a picture? And I go, yeah.
And they go, here, I don't know how to do it. Just they hand it to me and I'm like.
Listen, you know, you're always talking about Quincy, the old show you watch. but there's also Quince.
I love the reference. You're always talking about the grouchy mortician or whatever Quincy was.
Well, you always, when you hear it, you always think it's Quint and you think of the guy in Jaws. Oh, in Jaws, that's right.
Yeah, but that is not what we're here to talk about. No, we're here to talk about.
Let him know. Quince.
With a C at the end. Why drop a fortune on basics when you don't have to? Quince is high quality, great clothing.
Oh, yeah. Quince has good stuff.
High quality fabrics. Classic fits.
Lightweight layers for warm weather. All at prices that make sense.
Everything I've ordered from Quince has been nothing but solid. Quince has closet staples you want to reach for over and over, like cozy casimir and cotton sweaters from, get this, David, just $50.
Breathable, flow-knit polos and comfortable, lightweight pants that somehow work for both weekend hangs and dressed-up diners. Weekend hangs and dressed-up dinners, That's right.
The best part, everything with Quince is half the cost of similar brands. I mean, look at that.
50 bucks, you're getting a cashmere. That's very rare.
Yes. By working directly with top artisans and cutting out the middleman, Quince gives you luxury pieces without the markup.
And Quince only works with factories that use safe, ethical, and responsible manufacturing practices and premium fabrics and finishes, David. Yeah, I like the cashmere.
I like some stuff just for around the house for right now. It's great.
You know what I mean? Because you forget that you need those basics and this is the place for them. You know, throw it in your cart.
You can do stuff for your home too. They bedding they have towels they have cookware they have luggage they have bags listen keep it classic and cool with long-lasting staples and quince go to quince.com slash fly for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns whoa that's q-u-i-n-c-e.
com slash fly to get free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince dot com slash fly.
We are supported by Ring. With Ring, you can see more and do more.
With doorbells and cameras that help you see more, to exciting features that help you know more, to the app that lets you connect more. Pan around your home for the perfect view with Pan Tilt Indoor Cam's 360-degree coverage.
Type what you're looking for and find it almost instantly in your recorded events with smart video search. And get quick video preview alerts to know what's happening without even needing to go into your phone.
These things are amazing. I mean, you put them up, you sleep really well.
With Ring, you can see more and do more learn more at ring.com some features require a subscription and are available only on select ring devices exclusions apply learn more at ring.com okay let's look at another one let's look at another my hair got cut you didn't say anything all i know is that you see this heather looks incredible today it's hard because it's freaking gray okay i see where this is going oh yeah this is i didn't see this video but i can just say that for a present day and it did send me a meteor about four years ago oh i should have it just out of the blue was that's part of Joe Dirt, right? Do you want to grab it, Heather? That is Joe Dirt. Is it over? And I'm like, this is pretty badass.
Yeah. So I bought some.
It was just an impulsive buy, and I bought another one, and I sent it to David Spade. Remember Joe Dirt? Yes.
He thinks that he's got a meteorite, so I said, and Joe Dirt, now you've got a real one. Do you have a meteorite guy? I love he really did this.
How does that come about? When stuff goes up the auction, I'll send you an auction book of everything that's up. I do auctions too.
And that auction. Sean.
By the way, this was like one of the nicest things in the world. To think of me and send me this, which was expensive because I saw it.
It had a receipt or something in it where you could tell from the auction. They're not giving meteorites away is it a meteor or meteorite dana go meteor and meteorite dana heather has a labubu and the world needs to know no it's that's his okay we're gonna do fan questions in a minute i just want to make an observation again not being funny go ahead specific funny specific random guests like if you're out about in the world and you see something and it makes you think of someone and then you just give them that gift you may skip the next five birthdays or it's just out of the blue because that's a really that's the best way to do it yeah like oh yeah, oh, yeah.
Instead of the day before the birthday, you get them a can of

WD-40 or like a 7-11.

I gotta get, but if you think of something,

Yeah, and you see that and you think of the person,

guess what? In the middle of the year.

I don't want to give it away, but

next time I see you. Is that my next birthday?

Yeah, that's for you. I didn't want to give it

away, but it's yours.

This is Lego Joe Dirt. So I went to

Legoland. Well, that's cool.
I took Harper to

Legoland and they go, hey, we have a special thing for you.

They took me into the Lego place

Thank you. They took me into the Lego place.
I don't even know where it was inside and they made that for me. So I got a wagon for it and then we have Dana's Meteor.
It's smaller than I thought it would be. Can you see it? It's Joe Dirt's Meteor.
What do you mean, Dana's? And so I put it in Joe Dirt's Meteor. And then Lego Joe Dirt carries it.
Hey, man, what's crappin' it? It makes me want to watch Joe Dirt again. I keep seeing these little clips, and I think it's better than I remembered it.
Well, it's actually a feel-good movie so ultimately it's oh you played it kind of real you were sort of a pathetic character for once i was not like a sarcastic smart no you were i think in the writing you can see you know i'm gonna do a joder thing this weekend i think so i'll tell you next week if I do it. Okay.
I thought this meteor was great. I thought it would be bigger because it said a big box with a meteor on it.
And it's just a little. But it is from space.
It's from space. It's from Joe Dirt, but it's smaller because a Lego is smaller than a regular person.
So great. So I didn't see his, but maybe it's like that.
But anyway, I do that kind of thing too. I look at these things and I've bought people things because there's like, they're a Star Wars fan.
Oh, we have a lightsaber from the real movie or Indiana Jones's hat. Like those kinds of things are one of a kind.
It's really, they're too expensive though. But if you can get a cool one, they usually, on the download, go up in value a lot.
Because people love these little things from the world of movies and stars. You know, I don't know if the word's ironic.
Like you have Beatles stuff. Don't you have Beatles stuff? I have some Beatles stuff, yeah.
I have Beatles stuff. Beatles albums signed by all four Beatles is worth a lot.
Not too many in the world. Not too many.
The gift was from NBC when they were trying to get me to take over when Letterman left. So they got me a gift at Sotheby's in London.
Buy you off. And I still have it.
But when you did New Letterman, you gave it back, right?

No, I couldn't find it. That's not how it works.

They said, this is from NBC.

Fred Silverman.

Fred Silverman called me.

No, I didn't give it back.

But I do think that people have hobbies and passionate and start collecting.

Seems like a lot of times they end up getting really rich from it.

Like Jay Leno with the cars. He's probably more money off his cars than all of his Tonight Show money and all of the rest.
Yeah, but Dana, you might have a little boo-boo. You don't even know what they are.
I remember Pokemon cards and all the rest. Okay, so we're going to do two fan questions.
We can always cut them always cut them yeah let's hit a fan question cut them if they suck and we give a bad answer yeah hello david dana and fly on the wall pod my name is sarah grace and i have a question for shaggy news before i get into it i'd just like to say that i'm such a huge fan and i look forward to the podcast every single week you guys are literally my emotional support comedians. You know, some people need a smoke break, but I need a David Spade and Dana Carvey break during my day because you guys just make me laugh and forget about my week-to-week stressors.
Most people need a break for Dana. We all need to laugh sometimes.
David, I am such a fan, and I just think you're so witty, funny, and sarcastic, and I've got a little crush on you. All right.
Oh, boy. I believe I'm admitting that, and Dana, I have so much admiration for you as well.
Anyways, enough rambling. I'm going to get to my question now.
I am going to be a junior in college, and I'm moving out of my parents' house for the first time and going to a university. And my question is, what advice would you have someone that's moving to a new place for the first time? Thanks so much, guys.
Bye. Go ahead, David.
Okay, David, wasn't it for you? Very sweet. What was the exact wording of the question? I think it's going away to school.
Going away to college. College.
Must be a different state, I'm guessing. That is scary.
And what's our advice yeah hmm real real twist real talk well first of all you know um stay out of the sun you know really wear a big hat because you're you have really great skin you almost look animated and you're 18 i assume so wear a big hat second of all i have my question is are you in a dorm because if you're in a dorm you're gonna meet like 300 people in one day and that's a great way

to do it i think it's an incredible i was in a dorm once for a year and it was boy girls 15 stories

high san francisco state and so it's a huge social environment. I think don't be fearful and just be open.
And based on her being a fan of yours, I mean, she's a high quality person. Well, she seems pretty friendly and outgoing.
And so a cute girl out there in the real world, especially like, yeah, I did that at ASU. There's dorms there, there's fraternities.
Yeah. You don't have to join that stuff.
It was sort of the way into a social life. But I would keep the drinking within reason.
It's not, I mean, no one's not going to drink, I guess. Just be realistic.
But just try to focus a little bit on school and maybe get a part-time job. But it's hard to move to a different city, especially away from the parents, away from the fam.
Yeah, I mean, embrace the anxiety. Just trust it.
Of course, everyone else who's getting in this dorm as a freshman, coming from other places, you'll think they're way more confident than you. And know just remember everybody's a little nervous about this whole experience but it is in in the in the context

of your lifetime just enjoy the hell out of it because you get it if you don't have to work if

you can if you're able to i was sweeping the uh the stairwell and vacuuming the building

wasn't too bad i met people that way i was vacuuming a 15-story building but just enjoy it

Thank you. the stairwell and vacuuming the building.
It wasn't too bad. I met people that way.
I was vacuuming a 15-story building. But just enjoy it.
Go with it. And anxiety and a little bit all normal and easy on the booze.
Madness lies that way. Yeah, and in closing, I'll say that sometimes you wind up having these friends for life.
So some are more in high school, some are more in college, but it can happen. So just see what happens and try not to stress too much.
One last thing, and I'll say it as Garth. If you're bored some night, what you can do is maybe put on Winsworld, Winsworld 1, and then you can watch it.
On a laser disc. Okay, thank you for that question we got another question thanks though

hey Dana and David

huge fan love the podcast

thanks for taking my question

Dana you make the best turtle

and David

you are the only llama

I've ever liked

out of curiosity if you could be any animal

in the world what would you both be

that's easy

for me

it is

Thank you. I've ever liked.
Out of curiosity, if you could be any animal in the world, what would you both be? That's easy for me. It is? Yeah.
What sort of arachnid would you be? I would say I'd probably be, I would go with the breed of dog that is the most effusive and cheerful. Where I live, there's a collie, some kind collie looks like lassie or something or a golden lab this dog is like just yeah just no upper stuff about what worry in the moment completely being joyful so i'll just say a golden lamb david you probably I want to be a cockroach.
You'll be a cockroach. I said cockroach.

Yeah, that's what I want.

I think a dog like an Australian Shepherd or something. Yeah.
Running a lot, good mood. Order call-y.
Everybody likes you. Golden Retrievers like that.
I'm tired of being so smart. I'd be a dumb dog.
It's just more fun. There's been so many bits about dogs, but it it's just if you have a dog people they see you if i've seen dogs in a car and then their owner comes back and it's just it's like the super great one yeah there's a lot of cool animals but that's a good one yeah all right danny your answer is wrong mine was right uh thank you everybody let the fans decide i also like to be a gorilla because they look really powerful.
Yeah. I think you can only be one.
All right. Well, thanks, David.
I've really enjoyed having you on Fly on the Wall without a guest. Thanks for having me.
Thank you. And I do my traditional weekly selfie of you.
Good. Of you? I did face me.
Yeah. That was a good picture behind superman behind you that's great and um i'll see everybody next week all right hey guys if you're loving this podcast which you are be sure to click follow on your favorite podcast app give us a review five-star rating and maybe even share an episode that you've loved with a friend.
If you're watching this episode on YouTube, please subscribe. We're on video now! Fly on the Wall is presented by Odyssey, an executive produced by Danny Carvey and David Spade, Heather Santoro and Greg Holtzman, Maddie Sprung-Kaiser, and Leah Reese-Dennis of Odyssey.
Our senior producer is Greg Holtzman and the show is produced and edited by Phil Sweet Tech. Booking by Cultivated Entertainment.
Special thanks to Patrick Fogarty, Evan Cox, Maura Curran, Melissa Wester, Hilary Shuff, Eric Donnelly, Colin Gaynor, Sean Cherry, Kirk Courtney, and Lauren Vieira.

Reach out with us.

Any questions to be asked and answered on the show,

you can email us at flyonthewall at odyssey.com.

That's A-U-D-A-C-Y dot com.