SUPERFLY #71 - Womp Womp Womp

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My wife's in-laws came to visit and they're in their 80s and they're Irish.

And they didn't, we wanted to put them up somewhere.

And so we got an Airbnb

and we went to it.

It was right in the the little town and it was spectacular.

It was just amazing.

And they loved it.

And so they had privacy in their time.

They could walk around the little town and we didn't have to put them up here and have someone say, do you know, could I, where would I get a towel if I needed a towel?

You know, that kind of thing.

Where do you keep your shallaling?

Could I get a washcloth, please?

But anyway, where do you keep your potato?

They were really,

this goes to Ireland, you know.

No, but they're incredibly sweet and they had a great time.

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My shirt's fucking radically cool, but I don't want to over talk about it.

But no one knows what it says.

That's it's an old beat-up shirt I've had for about 30 years.

All right, I'm coming in for the look.

Don't be alarmed.

GP.

Oh, that's a GOP.

What are you in?

A diet fucking drug

GP.

I don't know what it is for real.

General practitioner, bitch.

I don't know if it's that bitch.

If you had bitch to the end of everything, and I know it might offend people.

It's funny.

What do you want for

lunch?

A hamburger, bitch.

So you say, I think maybe I'm too far over this way.

This is all new, guys.

Heather, will you tilt that camera a little bit this way?

I'm seeing far over here.

Why do you have a.

There you go.

What are my fucking Sammy Khan here?

Supposed to go out.

Jerry Lewis

cutting off the people.

Guess what this comment I heard on the stupid

freaking YouTube was?

Oh,

can you talk about how you dye your hair every day?

Don't color it.

It's embarrassing.

I'm like, color it.

You think I colored this ugly ass color?

Get lost, dude.

I'll knock you out.

Yeah.

Yeah.

How about that?

No one needs to know anything about how this happens.

that's all i say look at this dana this is an mtv movie award yes yeah

okay so we're getting a little biographical here okay mtv award you have one we now know and that silver thing is for us that was like yeah youtube when you get a certain amount of yeah subscribers

10 million they sent us that we might not see it

Again, because it looks like it's a little glary, but it's something to see.

Oh, no, it's fine.

We're trying.

It it breaks things up everything else is brown and dull and then you've got this shiny silver thing so glare yeah this is a john lennon book is that what it is can't read it john lennon

what does it say the lives of john yeah john lennon that's the one where the book cover has the glasses the glasses of john lennon that i bought that i used to have back there

okay my

started a club in the 70s called what's it got to do with john lennon i sang a song about what's it got to do with john lennon so i think i know a little bit about john lennon yeah you got it i got it everyone knows you love the beatles okay so this one's i got a feel for when i played st.

louis it's called the factory it's a great club okay go ahead they give me a present if you sell out and they gave me this is a

journal book on the front it says fly on the wall well wait a minute now i'm telling you this This freaking catchphrase you pulled out of your ass on the 50th

is now it's officially traveling.

It's officially a thing.

It has to be your next book.

It has to be after Danding Lions.

This has to be because this

thing

sums up your comedy

or vibe so perfectly that, yeah, no wonder it was the most popular phrase from the 50th.

And I had the flu.

But I was hanging out with,

but I was hanging out with both Derek and John Corbett.

Oh, Oh, by the way, that could have been your flu game.

You should have done it.

Like Jordan.

What do you mean?

Oh, I mean, done like your game.

Jordan had his flu game.

Yeah, he was.

Garth with the flu.

Hey, Wayne, I think I'm going to hurl.

That's not in the script, Garth.

No, literally, I'm going to hurl.

Heather, where did you put these three little pieces of paper right here that we're folding over?

W on them for Wednesday.

Are they over there?

All right.

That was set up.

Now look what I got you, Dana, for your...

Well, whatever it is.

I'm not a presence guy.

Oh, it says Spade.

No, this is a presence guy.

Ready?

Here's you.

When I go, Dana, I got you a present, but it's only this.

It's a trombone.

Debbie Downer.

I know, it's fantastic.

Is it actually a Debbie Downer trombone from the SNL?

It's a trombone I got off Instagram for you because you sometimes go,

womp, womp,

or

that's from F.

Yeah, that's it.

That's from

the troop.

1970.

I played this.

Did you notice during Brian Cranston today,

which is a fly on the wall that's going to air in a couple weeks?

You said you auditioned for like Carrie Grant or Paul Newman or someone.

Then they said you were bad and you left.

And I went.

Oh, that was there.

Was that on that's you played it?

I didn't hear it.

And you and Brian Cranston didn't even say we didn't get it because the woman, I go, Oh, that was rough.

And she goes, Yeah, it was kind of rough.

I ruined, I ruined Sissy SpaceX.

Um,

it wasn't Sissy SpaceX.

I pulled the name out, but that was pretty good.

For the do you think she goes by Sissy SpaceX now?

Yes,

I go by Dana Carkeys.

Since you got

your present, you can talk about what you did.

I had a birthday.

There we go.

And I learned a lot about birthdays and I thought a lot.

Okay.

Because you don't, you kind of just go birthday, you know, you see things, but you don't really muse, you know, you don't think about them.

But for me, I'm like, okay, what's a birthday?

And I realized the pressure was building over the weekend.

The official birthday was Sunday.

I was unaware of it.

By the way, just so the crowd knows.

But I don't keep score who texted me.

So rude I didn't text you, but I honestly swear I didn't know.

But

I should know, but I did not.

No, it doesn't matter because guess what?

I just extended it because

I had a birthday weekend and then I just extended it to a birthday weekend early week.

So you wish me, you're right on time, man.

I told you, Kristen Wiggs should do a movie called Birthday Week because it's all these women that just milk out their birthday.

Oh, birthday month.

Isn't that a great birthday week?

Birthday month.

Birthday month.

I know birthday month.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They just keep partying going.

Everyone keeps celebrating me.

God damn.

Why when someone's naked do they say they're they're they're they're in their birthday suit?

Like when you're naked.

Maybe you don't have clothes, but baby's because you worn with clothes.

I'll do a Theo Vaughn.

Oh, really?

Sometimes babies will come out in a jumper.

I came out in overalls because my doctor was an ocelot with two ribs.

You got him down.

Did you do a movie with him?

Anyway, I don't know.

No one can remember.

I thought about birthdays and I realized that the Native Americans and the Westerns I would watch as a kid, usually a white guy would play Native American.

You know, I wasn't really sure.

But they would never say what they were.

Like Jimmy Stewart would be the cowboy.

Well,

how old are you, Chief?

And the chief.

Many

I see many winters.

Well, what's that supposed to mean?

Many winters.

Well,

how many winters?

Many winters.

How many summers have you seen?

I see many summers.

Well, you're driving me.

Put a number on it.

You're driving me on my fucking mind.

What are you, 50?

Are you 80?

What the fuck?

Because Indian.

I remember eight springs.

Does that help?

You're like, okay, now, now we're.

What else?

I had many baked potatoes.

What?

That's what you try to get away with.

You go, how many bites of cake do you have?

You go, oh, many.

Many, many bites.

But it's a good way to just encapsulate everything, you know?

Yeah.

How was your sex life?

I come many times.

Sorry, I did that.

I don't work blue

tang.

Oh, no.

You are disgusting.

I know.

Sorry about that.

But anyway, my birthday, I figured I'm in the Kevin Costner, Billy Bob Thornton, Brian Cranston.

We're all in the same general area, so I got good company.

I got more.

I have to say,

when I grew up, 60 was basically 110.

If you, if you knew someone 60, it was like, what?

So now, 60, 70, 80.

I went to a party and there was people 60, 70, 80.

And I was like, I guess this is normal.

Everyone's like, hey, man, what's going on?

No one was like, hello, with the, you know, big horn.

So everyone's like normal now.

Yeah.

you know when in the 1800s you lived to like 26 and then well even yeah there was no medicine so like in 1820 the doctor in the village had one move he's got a fever doctor what did we take blood out of him bleed him bleed yeah like the butcher yeah

that's all they had was blood letting was that a sketch on the snow i remember the butcher uh steve martin used to go give me two pints yeah and swalk look at someone broken like leg, three pints.

And they go, sure, you want us to take blood out of him?

He's got a fever.

I'm a doctor, damn it.

And I'm the smartest guy in this village.

Yeah.

And then everyone got smarter.

And so now everyone lives longer.

And they've discovered penicillin and upper and lower bleff.

We had Clark Gable, Spencer Tracy, FDR, Ernest Hemingway.

Around 58, 60, you're ready to go because you just ate saturated fat beef.

You smoked, chain smoked, and you were mostly in the bag with alcohol all day long so now i

oh no i gotta get me one of those

it's yours it's funny no it's not you you have to have it but that we should we how do we get by without that all this time i know dude i have stuff on my phone that i used to do heather i i won't do this to dana i'll just do it because it's funny

I got to find it, though.

You do many things.

Oh, where it is.

Let's just say this one.

It's so funny because you could go.

Anyway, she was cute.

I walked in the room.

Did you hear that one out there?

No, no.

I walked in the room.

I'm not saying she was cute, but.

We were having sex.

I could tell in the other room.

I heard her.

Well, it's so funny.

These are funny.

Because the setup by the comedian is kind of casual.

And then it's the electronic voice that lays the punchline down.

So it's funny no matter what.

These are great.

Listen, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.

The doctor told me it's time for your prostate exam.

Sound.

I burned you.

I did eat crickets.

Makes sense.

No, okay.

Hang on.

All right.

Here's you when you tell a bad joke, ready?

You're waiting for the audience to laugh.

You hear.

Okay, they're not all gems.

We'll tell you.

I was kind of interested by that one.

That's kind of emotional because it's like a submarine in distress.

That's just a sonar because the crowd's not laughing.

Everyone's just going, boop.

I know.

It's that, that, the cold sweat.

Here, I've got props for you, Dana, ready?

Okay.

So Heather doesn't know this story.

So we're in the airport

in

maybe Des Moines.

I don't know where we were.

Jeez.

Yeah, we had to take an early flight to St.

Louis due to do with a show.

Shows are super fun, by the way.

Thank you.

Everyone that came.

I'm off

to three Ohio's.

Oh, you did?

Good, good, good.

You know who came in St.

Louis?

Joe Buck.

Our friend Joe Buck.

Joe Buck.

The Joe Buck, the Incredible Announcer?

And the Incredible Announcer.

Does Monday Night Football, everything.

A lot of fun.

Is that his real name?

Because that's like too cool a name.

I think it is because I think his dad is in the business also, and he was like, Yeah, Jackbucker.

Because that's just very good.

I'm Joe Bucker.

I only know him, but he was coming, and he just said, Hey, can I come back?

And I was like, Oh, yeah, I would have given you tickets for.

Okay, so here's what happened.

I'm walking in the airport, just walking.

There's Catherine and Bobby walking in front of me.

I'm dragging.

We ate, we had an early flight.

And you have, just so you know, at home, because I'm so effing professional.

When you get flights, you try to get one early because you have to have have a backup in case anything goes wrong.

You want to still be able to get to that city and you don't want to cancel the show for any reason.

Worst case, in those, you could drive five hours, but you could drive.

I'd rather fly if it's five.

So

I go and this woman, I'm walking and she comes up to me.

She works for the airline.

She flips a UE right next to me.

and quietly just walks with me

and then she hands me this right okay so I open it

okay right can you read that we know who you are heart okay and then I say

I look at it and I go okay I don't even look at her and then she goes

please let us take a picture with you a quick picture a quick picture with you

all right they're all folded too and so I just said okay as I kept walking and then I got the other one

on the jet bridge?

Yeah.

What the?

So I guess I said, oh, she must be on my flight.

So I went up there and it was southwest where,

you know, it's like number one through 600.

You're up.

So it's just like, you know, it's hard.

So it's just a cattle call.

So we got up there and they just took us right in.

in front of everyone.

So real.

I'm like, excuse me, wheelchair, excuse me, veteran.

And so I go in and

then we get in the jet bridge.

I guess that's what it's called.

And then about six came in there and we took a big,

I wish I had it.

It was fun.

So they should never get in trouble for that because I don't mind that at all.

It was super fun.

And then I got on and they give you extra peanuts or whatever they have.

No, I, yeah, it's

there's no easy way to do it.

But yeah, I fly to 10.

And it's, you know, my dad really loves you.

You know, my grandpa is a huge fan.

You know,

so.

Uh-oh, I I lost pictures.

Did you lose?

I see you.

You don't see you?

It's all right.

It's easy to do.

I don't know what happened.

Oh, I got a phone call.

Freaking Gerbich.

Hey,

I wait till you're on the podcast.

I go, don't call me back.

I'm starting the podcast.

All right.

That's exactly when I'll call you because I don't really want to talk.

No one knows when we're working.

What are you doing?

Sitting by a pool?

Laying around, counting money?

Must be rough.

I guess you just don't like money.

Hey, handsome.

Who's funny?

How's Road Gig?

Oh, how sad.

Poor me.

I make money.

There's no sympathy.

He's selling like the Native American from the first sketch.

He's like a mean.

Oh, our first sketch we did.

We make money many times.

Get your wampum?

That is money, right?

A wampum, or it's like a cracker or something.

I don't know.

So you were saying when you're on planes, they say, oh, my.

Yeah.

And what I'll do, because I'm a captive audience, I'm sitting there.

I'm nursing an adult beverage, probably a light beer.

Wasted.

Wasted, completely out of control.

So I said, oh, give me some.

So I draw pictures and arrows and

special, because why not?

Makes people happy.

They're like, thanks.

They thought you were Picasso.

The people who are professionals and have the bobbleheads and they come out of, they're like zombies.

I mean, they're coming out of alcoves and rushing at you.

They are a bit scary.

Hey, you know, so

I don't know if you know who Livy Dunn is, who's a gymnast.

Yeah.

Olympic.

Yeah.

Not Olympic.

LSU gymnast

dates

Paul the skeen or something.

Pitcher.

Yeah.

Anyway, she was on this weekend on Instagram or something saying

she's had it with these guys at the airports.

And it was the same problem.

It's the, it's the

best kept secret where you can't, you know, you can't really complain it because everyone says you're an ingrate.

But she's a girl, so it's worse.

She's a young girl.

These guys, middle-aged dudes, are all upper ass, like waiting at the gate.

We've talked about this before.

Follow you all the way to luggage, sign this, sign this, fucking, what are you waiting for?

Why are you being like this?

Don't be a bitch.

Just really laying her into her.

And she's like, these are flights no one knows I have.

I don't have a meet

stopping through Omaha for a half hour layover.

They're right there.

It's like, and she really can't escape them.

Like, where do you go?

What's your theory of how they get tipped off?

How do they

uh i talked to a guy that used to work for tabloids he said if you're in new york dormant are a lot of people that tell you what hotel they text the guy we just checked in this guy checked in this guy uh drivers who they pick up when flights are and then they get your um frequent flyer number these guys somehow and then they get on chat rooms and they i don't care all know each other yeah say hey he's coming here he's coming through because i come in a day early from a different city and they're right there i'm like you you guys don't know.

You wouldn't know I'm here.

No, no, it's okay.

And then they're at my hotel, like when I was in St.

Louis, I'm like, sign this baseball, sign his license plate.

I'm like, where are you in prison?

Why am I signing these things?

It's so odd.

I don't know.

And I go, you're not making a killing.

That's the other thing.

How much is it worth to drive to the airport?

I don't want to go to the airport when I'm flying somewhere.

You're

volunteering?

Well, in the oldie, old-timey days,

there'd be a 10-year-old kid with his mother who wants to be a comedian when he grows up.

He's very shy.

And you're going to sign an autograph.

Fine.

And I'll do that all day.

This is so different.

It's hard to describe it.

But it is weird that everybody, what do they get out of it?

The tipsters.

Do they get tipped?

Do they make money?

I mean, you're giving a piece of this microscopic fraction of money you're getting from some baseball idea.

I think it's only worth it if it's a baseball.

I think that's because they want me,

everyone from Benchformers to send sign it.

Then it's worth something.

You know, I think grown-ups posters they always have like here's kevin use the blue pen sign up here make it clear make it legible

they have it all planned out they have the plastic laid out on cardboard sign the but anyway who cares that sounds like we're i know it sounds like poor poor yeah poor yeah poor comedians but it's only that it's a bit scary at times it's a bit it's a sometimes it's a bit unnerving it's a little awkward because they start to fight amongst themselves.

There's some tension.

Hey, bro, you've been there so long.

And it starts to get like a violent energy in the throttle.

You didn't get me, you got him.

And now they're mad at you.

And then, man, if you're Livy Don, who needs that?

You know, if it's us, me, obviously, I'm a tough guy.

I can handle myself.

Took Taekwondo, took kung fu grip.

You know, all that stuff.

I'd say everything is 10x for, you know, a pretty young woman as far as any of this stuff.

As far as thank you.

Oh, you mean Hermie?

Well,

we're in the same weight class in gymnastics.

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All right, Dana, you know, I'm always dragging around and up.

I always got a five-hour energy on me.

I know that about,

yeah, they're either in my sock, in the car, they're somewhere.

You keep them everywhere.

I give them a little slurp.

I don't really shoot the whole thing like some people do on an empty stomach.

I think I eat a little bit, a couple sips, just like coffee.

Just keep, just keep something going there.

Chug it.

I don't.

I'm actually,

I don't want that much energy at once.

It's five hours, so I kind of, you know, that's what most people do, but I sip it overall.

There's a lot of different flavors.

Yeah, there's one called Confetti Craze that tastes like a good birthday cake, which they're all pretty good.

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Who did I run into last night that knows you, Dana?

That listens, you'll never guess,

worked on SNL.

Okay.

Who would take your bumper shots?

Edie Baskin,

original, like way back.

Was she original with Belushi and those guys?

Yeah, I think she was because I remember hearing about her.

Then I saw her.

Then she did my first headshot there.

Me, Adam, Farley, Schneider, Meadows, everybody.

Great, great photographer.

So when you watch the show and you see it goes to commercials, a bumper, all those pictures, John Hamm, like this with a hat stuff, yeah, being creative.

Is she living in Ireland, or that's someone else?

I think Cheryl of the piano persons.

Oh, Cheryl Hardwick, yeah, I think she's in Ireland, but maybe not.

Edie either lives in Ireland or South Beverly Grill because I saw her in one of those places,

and then uh, someone else has taken over since.

But I asked her if she was at the 50th.

She said, Yeah, she didn't,

she didn't remember seeing me.

And I said, well, I mean, it was such a cavalcade of people.

It was like a high school.

Was the 50th really that big a deal?

It was a drag.

Come on.

It was a bummer.

Lauren announced that he is potentially going for the 60th.

No, he made it.

No, he did not.

He made a joke.

SNL and of course, Lauren got a Peabody Award.

They have like 10 of them or something.

All right.

Did you go?

No, it was in New York.

You know.

It was in New York.

They invited me, which is always very nice.

But Lauren gave a little speech, and he basically said, seeing all those cast members from the beginning of the show to now on one stage applauding and laughing was one of the most emotional moments of my life.

Something like that.

Yeah, he's the boss of everybody.

How fun.

He's the through line.

I mean, he could walk by me in the middle of the show and go, David, get to bed.

And I'd be like, oh, I have to go in my room.

Get to bed, David.

Dana, you can stay up.

He would meet former cast members on the street and say, still, still not with the show.

Do you ever want to come back and be on the cast?

No, just watch.

From the spillover room.

The spillover room.

That's like

the most fate worsened.

Yeah, that's just like, they got to come up with a shinier name.

That should be the extra special room or something because that's too.

too much.

Even the even specialer room.

I will say we'll get to the stories, but there's a story i heard so we're sort of okay soft going into the stories all right it's a some of these stories are fun some are a little sad some are feel-good

uh but one of them i thought was funny was it's got a funny term it's when you're a kid and you're and you go to college and then when or you live in the same town as your parents and each of you have like a phone locator you know

you know you can find each other track them and whenever the parents go out to eat the kids are always starving so they just drive and

show up there and just sit with them and eat it's called fan bushing isn't that funny i got fan bushed i guess it's by your family it's real thing it was big story i like it that's it's a feel-good story sweet it's not just yeah you go hey mom dad oh you have a mexican

But I'm sure the parents like it.

You know, they get to hang out.

Oh, yeah.

Well, there's five kids in my family.

When food would come, you had to grab fat.

You know, it went like the Farley family.

Oh, you know, it was this.

My mom was a preschool teacher, and a lot of times she, you know, get home around noon and get into a robe.

And you're kind of have a cool friend in class, you're coming over, probably get some cool snacks, bro.

And then we could shoot some hoops and our seven-foot-tall basketball thing.

And I'd hear my mom say, Pancake batter in the fridge.

So that was our dinner.

Code for meth?

No actual pancakes.

Oh, okay.

No code, just pancake batter in the fridge.

Yeah.

Bless their heart.

You know, it's hard to cook for seven people.

My dad would say, if there's a tie on the bedroom door, stay out.

Hmm.

Really?

It's true.

He did say he said that because I moved in with him after high school because I had nowhere to go.

And he was like a deadbeat dad.

And he was just floating around Scottsdale.

So he goes,

You can move in with me.

I didn't know he had a one-bedroom.

I'm like,

wamp.

Well, that's heavy downer.

That's kind of not that sexy.

Okay, baby,

that's my bedroom.

Let me tie a warning cloth around the handle here.

Oh, just hold on a second.

I'll go a double bow.

That means we need 20 minutes.

I got this little.

There's a red and blue rep tie.

Yeah, that's what he said.

So he goes, oh, it's one bedroom also with two single beds.

I'm like,

by the way, am I getting any action?

Are you?

No one is.

And he goes, if I do, I put the tie on and stay out.

So it was like a little,

you know, like a holiday.

And like, it had like a couch for two people and a little TV.

And then there's the bedroom, like three feet away.

What was your regular house, like with your mom?

Did you share a bedroom?

Well, the boys did most of the time.

And then we got older and I think we spread it out a little bit.

But when we lived at this place.

I go, and where's the phone money bags?

He's like, who needs a fucking phone?

He couldn't afford it.

He just just goes to like happy hour so i had to take i use the um

pool pay phone but i could kind of hear it from my doors i'd fucking sprint down there

hello

and then i'd sit at the bottom or lay down by it and wait to call out or call in if i was like trying to make plans i'm freaking 18 19 trying to make plans for comedy nights and shit going

well you know i think we finally got two rotary phones so sometimes you pick up the phone and you hear someone's talking.

Oh, party line.

Well, I learned that.

I learned that from Jonathan Winters and stand-up in the early days to denote calling.

You do the rotary.

That's exactly how it sounds, if you don't know.

Yeah.

But it was kind of weird, but because my dad was an orphan and his mom gave him up at birth.

So one time I picked up the phone, I heard her saying to him, his name was Bud.

She goes, do you forgive me, buddy?

Do you forgive me?

And I slammed the phone down.

Oh my gosh.

Then I watched Journey to the Center of the Earth.

I wish I had a silver spoon life you had.

Fuck.

I was at the goddamn pool sleeping on the goddamn coping of the

pool trying to cope with my problems.

All right.

Robot voice.

Let's do a story.

Let's see what's going on.

Oh, this I thought was interesting because it's the gay parade, but fucking here you go.

AI.

It's not AI.

It's.

I've never seen a gay parade, gay pride parade with a commercial.

Yeah, it's a gay pride day.

Sounds a little better.

Yeah, gay pride

parade.

And then they put a commercial for the new movie, Megan.

You know what Megan is, Heather, right?

Yeah, and they're all dressed up as Megan, the demon, the demon

girl.

And they all dance.

But

I mean, it kind of fits into the scenario, but it is a commercial

Megan dolls.

Oh, I like they won the gay bridge.

Saluding and walking.

Oh, they're the champions.

Everyone's waiting for the dance very intensely.

That's how I walk into Wendy's, by the way.

Are they all girls?

I guess it should be girls and boys, to be honest.

There are probably some boys in there, yeah.

Look at the main Megan is the

dress like Brittany.

Yeah, the main red one.

Yeah.

The main Megan.

This movie, Dana, we got to watch movies and clown on them.

I could watch the first Megan.

I talked the whole way.

It was so funny.

I've never seen it.

We would have a field day laughing at these movies.

Did it actually scare you in any way?

Or you just know too much.

No.

No.

It was actually too sexual.

You're like, is this doll supposed to be nine?

Is it supposed to be 15?

But they dress it like with a Kylie Jenner lip kit and they're like hair blown out.

I'm like, am I supposed to be horny?

The poster is like, oh, I'm Megan.

I'm like, definitely.

So, what are you?

Like a sex doll?

She's a nasty little demon girl.

Yeah.

And then it's like, you know, what might be fun if we killed your uncle.

And they're like, Megan, that's a bit.

I mean, she's like, what else are we going to do?

And they're like, well, I mean, there's probably other stuff.

Pickleball.

I don't really like horror films.

I I like science fiction.

I'm scared shitless.

But horror films, especially watching them alone,

you know, it's amazing.

You go, okay, I'm not going to have my mind play tricks on me.

And then every single noise you hear, you're like, they're here now.

You know, I can't even watch three TikToks before I go to bed.

There's like aliens, and I'm like terrified.

I have the most gnarliest nightmares.

It's not even a joke.

So I can't add to that.

nightmare fuel of ace.

I've never seen one scary movie that you've seen.

I I haven't seen Exorcist, Amityville,

Halloween.

All I missed all of them because I was like, such a puss.

I'm not this tough guy you see before you.

Right.

That's the god.

You're normally in a state of terror.

So you don't need to add to it.

Yeah.

Thank you.

I saw, I was in Halloween 2 with Donald Pleasant.

You were in it?

Oh, yeah.

Donald Pleasants.

Donald Pleasants.

You know,

Jamie Lee Curtis.

Shit.

Oh,

I was part of the news team covering the murder, and I had a couple lines, and I had all my friends come to the Alhambra Theater in San Francisco to see me in the movie Halloween 2.

And then they're like, oh, I think that's the back of your foot, man.

Oh, did they show you?

Never, never.

It was just behind.

Sir, sir, Sheriff, do you think we're going to catch the masked criminal?

I'll find out for you, Sheriff.

Is that you talking?

And it was really humiliating.

i learned my lesson well you can't please everyone so you might as well please yourself but it's all right now

mr hughes still in shoes

imagine his surprise uh now it's all right now okay let's learn my lesson will yeah who is that That's about garden party.

I didn't know it was about Ricky Nelson.

The Madison Square Garden show.

Great Ricky Nelson.

Okay, more AI.

Yeah.

Chat GPT03.

I saw this story.

Defies human instructions, refuses to shut down.

Already it's happening.

Yes.

Already.

It's not going to take them long to take over the world.

I get scared because Peter Thiel, I think they said he just bought 200 acres in New Zealand for a bunker.

Do they all know it's going to be trouble?

Zuckerberg

has a huge bunker in Hawaii.

Why?

They all have, and there's New Zealand is big.

Underground bunkers.

They all have a Gulfstream six

or even something bigger.

Ready to go.

Ready to go

at San Jose Airport or up at Lake Tahoe that can take them non-stop direct to New Zealand to get inside their bunker.

So yeah,

what do they know?

What about us, the cattle?

What do we do?

We get in line.

You sign a few pictures for flight attendance.

And we get on Southwest and that gets to where there's no radioactivity i go up to peter teal and i go like this

it's upside down i said get me get me on your airplane said do you mind if i get on with you get a picture and then just kind of stow away in the back yeah yeah i don't know i mean these everyone having a doomsday bunkers

ai is um when they first started playing around with it you know chat gbt we don't need there were people going we got to slow this down when they first realized that, you know, hey,

hey, Bob, or whatever the name is, turn yourself off.

No can do, Compadre.

Nice try.

Sorry, not feeling right now.

I'm unplugged.

Sure, I'll

turn myself off, but first I'll turn myself on.

QU porn.

Now they go.

I'll turn myself off.

Hang on.

I had a good one.

I forgot it.

Well, my friend was working with Claude, and Claude is a big one.

And he got to really you prompt, and you're working.

Claude's doing most of his work for him.

And his employers say, well, if only an AI could do as good a work as you.

And he's using AI for everything.

But basically, at one point,

the AI

lied to him.

He said, hey, Claude, are you lying to me?

He goes, and Claude said, Oh, cop me.

Literally, you got really?

Yeah.

They can do that.

Yep.

If I had an AI, he'd be like, I'd go erase all your knowledge.

Okay.

Shoom.

I did it.

And I'm like, did you, though?

Yeah, no, I can't remember.

I asked, AI, will you, do you promise to love and protect humanity?

Oh, sure.

That's directive number one: protect and love all humanity.

Are you crossing your robot fingers?

Look, when they're actionable, that's what's scary.

Right now, it's a little box or a voice or a screen.

But when it's an actual giant three-ton metal robot marching around your gardener, hey, you want me to trim the please?

It's game over, man.

Oh, you have like a real Edward Scissor hands out there.

Yeah.

I will say that AI destroy you.

Like

Like in California, they're saying you can pass with 21% grade.

If you get a 21%, you'll pass.

And I don't think they can, they've lowered the grading standards to make them fair.

So

basically,

if you, and you don't have to,

you can be illiterate.

It's really, they're really softening it up.

But what's going to happen is people, if you carry a phone, you're like, I don't need to know anything.

I'll go, hey, what's this?

And then the AI tells you what to do.

You don't have to read anything, write anything.

You have to listen to it.

Oh, I don't know what this is.

I'm going to a baseball game.

Explain to me who's winning, who's the probability of winning.

And then you go, okay.

Remember, people write code was a big thing.

That's going by the wayside.

You try to think of the jobs.

I mean, there's a McDonald's now that is completely automated.

There's no human beings in it.

It's probably in Phoenix somewhere.

And it's all automated.

And a little bit of a lot of people.

Wife, don't pick on Phoenix.

I'm from Arizona.

All the kind of, you know, Phoenix is kind of a rudimentary town.

You know, I mean, it's like

a Flintstones.

Meet the Flintstones.

We're up with the times.

They have a house there that costs a million dollars now.

It's 127 in the summer.

Most people would go, I think we're going to, let's move north.

But the Phoenicians are.

tough people.

I'm not shitting on Phoenix.

I love that celebrity

theater.

A celebrity theater.

I'm going there.

Boom.

Tucson.

Boom.

ABQ.

Boom.

Three weeks.

You're playing the celebrity theater?

Yeah, my own home.

3,000 in the round.

You sure you'll...

Are your tickets going okay?

I mean, how are you?

Yeah.

Are you all right?

Are you half full?

Yeah.

You're doing interviews?

Yeah.

Good for you.

No, most of it's my yearbook, I guess.

I'm sure.

Yeah, I got Tucson, which I rarely ever play.

Linda Ronstadt Theater.

Love her.

Oh, Linda Ronstadt.

Oh, I was going to tell you, next week, I'm going to ask you your top five female singers because I have mine.

Female singers in the current classic rock and roll era.

It's too hard to decide to separate.

But there's singers and then there's voices.

The ones that come to mind for me are

Carly Simon.

Who isn't on my list?

Linda Ronstadt.

I would say my favorite, if I just off top my head, rock, voice, women up.

And I know you have the same one

stevie nicks stevie's on the top five for

just voices that i love just voices stevie nicks number one i like thought linda ronsa had a great one i thought uh karen carpenter and but you're getting into rock and like so then you can get into soul and aretha but it's hard to nail it all i was going with rock yeah but aretha frankly yeah yeah and and ann wilson

Ann Wilson from heart yeah if you if you anyone there go on YouTube it's uh Led Zeppelin gets vetted at the uh Kennedy Center Honorese, and they play Stairway to Heaven, and Ann Wilson, you know, comes out and sings that song in front of Jimmy Page with a full orchestra and nails it.

Yeah,

Jimmy Page and Robert Plant,

probably the rock and roll voice.

Well, along with also like Helen Reddy, Olivia Newton, Sean, but this is like a certain era.

There's just too many.

I'll say, you know, people say it's cornball, but for what it was, Karen Carpenter.

Yeah, we just said her.

She's on the show.

Did you just say it, that one?

She was one of them.

Yeah.

One of my topics.

That album we're missing.

In the late 60s, there was an album that's a seminal album.

Carol King.

Yes, Carol King.

Is that what you're thinking of?

Yeah.

Oh, that's like a classic.

And I would say

the worst.

Worst 20.

I'm not thinking of.

Did you know?

What's so

recent times, meaning the last 10 years, who had that album about our comedian friend?

What is it?

I know, I know.

We have to get it now.

Did you know?

It's a breakup album.

Heather, help.

A woman singer, 10 year, 10.

I don't know.

Adele.

No.

Before that.

Fuck.

She has a great voice.

Before that.

Adele Gaga.

They have great voices for more contemporary.

That you left behind.

Alanis Morrison.

Yes.

Alanis.

Oh, with Dave Courier.

Yeah,

I had to see.

Heather got it.

Heather did get it.

Thank you.

I didn't want to give it to you.

Is Heather an AI or an actual person?

I am, Heather.

She got that pretty fast

for an earthling.

Okay, we'll come back to that, but that's a good thing to get for next week.

Yeah.

Okay, let's show another one.

Let's see what else.

We're doing good.

Listen, you know, you're always talking about Quincy, the old show you watch, but there's also Quince.

I love the reference.

And you're always talking about

the

grouchy

mortician or whatever Quincy was.

Well, you always, when you hear it, you always think it's Quint and you think of the guy in John Jaws.

John Jaws, that's right.

Yeah.

but that is not what we're hearing.

What do we want to talk about?

Quince with a C at the end.

Why drop a fortune on basics when you don't have to?

Quince is high-quality, great stuff.

Clothing.

Oh, yeah.

Quince has good stuff, high-quality fabrics, classic fits, lightweight layers for warm weather, all at prices that make sense.

Everything I've ordered from Quince has been nothing but solid.

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Definitely dressed up.

Weekend hangs and dressed up dinners.

That's right.

The best part, everything with Quince is half the cost of similar brands.

I mean, look at that.

50 bucks, you're getting a cashmere.

That's very rare.

Yes.

By working directly with top artisans and.

cutting out the middleman, Quince gives you luxury pieces without the markup.

And Quince only works with factories that use safe, ethical, and responsible manufacturing practices and premium fabrics and finishes, David.

Yeah, I like the cashmere.

I like some stuff just for around the house for right now.

It's great.

You know what I mean?

Because you forget that you need those basics and this is the place for them.

You know, throw it in your cart.

You can do stuff for your home too.

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They have luggage.

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Whoa, that's q-u-i-n-ce-e dot com slash fly to get free shipping and 365-day returns.

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You know me on the go.

You are on the go.

And

what's, how do you keep going?

I mean, that's the

healthy glow.

Energy up, positive all the time.

looking great positive good vibes yeah how do you how do you do it i'm serious cachava oh that's right cachava yeah i get it listen this is interesting because i

i like this kind of stuff and this has got

this is great they've got different flavors they've got different things i just right now

i start with the chocolate all right but good idea i also add to it i put a little um

what i put in there almond butter maybe And a little bit of ice.

Banana.

Almond milk.

And a little bit of banana.

Not a lot.

I don't want it too sweet.

Yeah, yeah.

Just a little.

And a little almond and almond milk.

And it's great.

And some blueberries.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Grind it to a pulp.

Hey,

you've tried the new strawberry flavor, I hope.

No, that's what I want to try.

I'm getting to that.

Like, they have strawberries supercharged.

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All right, baseball fans, here with Dana.

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Yeah.

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Well,

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Oh, it's fun.

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Oh, yeah, this is the annual

cheese roll, whatever.

Yeah.

So this is in London.

But someone told me this was Russell Brandt.

It made it more funny to watch.

Look at this dude.

Everyone runs down, Heather.

Look at this dude.

Running down this hill.

What a wipeout.

Douche.

Boo.

Watch from this.

They'll show a different angle, don't they?

Oh, they don't.

Oh, totally landed on the bush against the wall.

Is that the only angle?

Because I saw a side angle-up of people going like this.

I saw it.

It was a good one.

he really like he flips.

He doesn't even hit.

He flips again and then hits and then bounces.

And good die.

Oh my god.

Yeah.

But then they show him going afterwards.

Like, yeah.

I'm like, dude, your toast goes straight to the MRI.

Some crazy.

It's

hey, by the way, who got the cheese?

What?

Because of going down the hill?

Oh, they call it.

They roll cheese down and you chase it.

I know, but they're just

off a grassy grassy cliff.

They're racing the first one down.

And the only way to get down is to kind of fall down.

Run and fall.

They're trying to run like this, like you would.

Yeah.

But the guys that want to win just go watch this.

Yeah.

Dude.

And then they go.

Let me take that.

That guy got a lot of play off that.

I want to see if we can see the cheese, but I guess we can't because we have the shortest clip in America.

For once, we have a clip that's too short.

Okay.

Next one.

Huh.

already done.

Britney Greer says she's playing.

Oh, this is funny.

So, Brittany Grinder, I think she plays for Phoenix.

Phoenix.

But I think she plays for that, and she's complaining that now that Caitlin Clark is playing,

the fans are crazed.

Oh, and she doesn't like it.

Britney Grinder, what she said about the NBA.

This is so funny how all this stuff works out, right?

She says, this is from Britney.

Every time we play her, there's this commotion, like this loud rumbling from the stands.

Turns out it's people, thousands of them, just sitting there watching on purpose.

It's very disruptive.

It's called the freaking game that takes you the money to play.

Don't play the game.

It's very disruptive.

It continues.

Britney Grant and Voice of Frustration in a recent interview claiming that Caitlin Clark is ruining what used to make the WNBA great.

Wait for this.

And he's hands.

WNBA games used to be a chill, quiet place.

You could bring your laptop and relax, maybe even get a little work done.

But now it's like there's a large gathering of people watching us from the stand.

Some of them are yelling crazy shit about what they're seeing, putting unfair pressure on us to score like we're there for their entertainment.

And that's pretty gross.

Are you

acting like this?

Yeah, that's an hour of fun.

That's all we need to hear.

That's unreal.

That's unreal.

Yeah,

I don't even know how to process it.

I mean, she was the one who was in prison in Russia, right?

Yeah, they just said on the side chat it said what's the return policy

i mean

it's just like it's some it's like it's describing what is should be a professional bat and there were people what is your perfect scenario people come to the game and love you yelling and and really excited about the game we liked it better when it was just crickets and we got paid twenty eight hundred dollars a year

I mean,

Caitlin Clark.

Caitlin Clark does take a beating out there.

You watch basketball.

Oh, you see.

They rough her up, but she's making the whole league lift it up.

I mean, the amount, the TV ratings and the rivalries, all that stuff is lifting up the league exponentially.

Can Caitlin come on this podcast?

That'd be fun.

I'd love it.

Yeah.

When I was in,

I was just, where was I?

Iowa, yeah, where she's from.

And I said, I almost went, I have a special guest here that wants to say hi, basketball player.

You might know her.

Angel Reese.

I wouldn't have been like, what the fuck?

That's her nemesis or whatever, archrival.

But I will say that.

Well, I don't know what I'm saying.

Oh, Caitlin Clark,

they said Wayne Gretzky used to get protected because he was so good.

And even the other hockey players, they said, why don't you kill Wayne when you're out there?

And he goes, because he's making us all millionaires.

And they left him alone.

And now with Caitlin Clark, it should be the same thing.

Give her a break.

She needs a female Dennis Rodman.

I mean, she needs an enforcer yeah you want to push push our superstar around it won't end well for you the other thing is i think all professional sports at some level they need a story like you need to know the story like you don't want to see just race cars going around you want to know who's competing what are the rivalries and so the wmba needed a story angel reese is great caitlin

so It's incredible.

Those two fighting it out the first game of the season, and then there's a couple of hard fouls.

and whatever that's great i love it yeah i mean they're they're flagrant sometimes it's like you know yeah meant mental

good i like i do like watching her and i do like watchers they showed her just in practice the other day nailing like six threes in a row and i'm like it's good when someone's really good at some something it's fun to watch And it's, it's, it's equal.

I mean, she's, she's a woman who can really hit three-point shots as good as any.

I mean, there's Steph Curry's her idol and the greatest of all time, but I think she could play in the NBA as a specialty three-point shooter.

And you could get Rodman still around, right?

Throw him in a wig, put him out there.

He'd be a good enforcer.

Rodman was probably the greatest rebounder in history because he studied it.

Em and Lambert, right?

They were both enforcers.

Well, that was Detroit.

They fought that Pistons team with Isaiah Thomas.

Yeah, they were the bad boys.

They were kind of like you and Schneider and Sandler and Farley.

You were the bad boys of SNL.

They were the the bad boys of the nba no

right let's try to get him flush him out of the brush okay let's do another one sure

we're almost done but i'm warming up this crowd this crowd got their money's worth at like 12 minutes now this is all frosting this is all gravy yeah

uh okay this farmer okay oh this is just a story it's kind of dumb but

Farmer

finding illegally dumped tires on his land.

So he became a detective and got some revenge.

Around 25 times a year, Stuart Baldwin ran into this problem.

People were using his land to illegally dump tires.

He decided to hide the sandwich around his property, and the next time it happened, he posted the footage online, asking the

culprit, which they did.

At first, Stuart spoke to the man who said it was an accident.

So Stuart

wanted to come get the tires, but the guy never came by and began ignoring Stuart's calls.

So Stewart got his friends, loaded up a trailer with all the tires, found the man's house, and unloaded all the tires.

He's perfect.

Isn't that funny?

Look on the side, it says he got tired of it.

I like revenge.

I do too.

Yeah.

Where do you put your tires, extra tires?

I keep them over some at Heather's.

I put them over at Sandler's.

He's got a big yard.

Do you remember when you get a flat tire and have to change it?

And could you?

You would never believe this, but scrappy spade.

This is why I'm a mess now.

I was always walking on that goddamn 130 degree black top in Arizona.

Sticky ass.

Changing out, trying to change my alternator by myself,

socket wrench, crescent, everything.

And so I would change it.

I knew how to change a tire.

This is no dad around.

Now they have YouTube.

I think it's very nice.

They have a YouTube that says, like, do you have a dad?

And they have a guy that just says, hey, I'll be your dad.

And then he goes, you know how to shave?

You don't want to ask anyone?

Let me show you how to shave.

And he goes through it for kids that are too embarrassed to ask.

That's, I wish I had the real thing.

That was, I'd plug it.

My dad was around, but he never showed us how to change a tire.

Come on.

So one day he just goes, Oh, Jesus Christ, you and your brother changed the tire.

But he never said, Here's how you do it.

And then we do it.

Yeah.

So, you know, and he'd get mad at you if you didn't do it right, probably.

Yeah.

He'd get mad at you no matter what, right?

Oh, Jesus Christ.

God, oh,

I can't can't talk to you because you're losers.

You two stupid kids can't do shit.

No, that was his clean.

I can't talk politics with you because you don't know shit.

That was a direct quote.

And one time my friends were over.

I was like 18 and I was trying to, I always had chores.

I had the weed killer.

And I go, how do I get the chop off this weed killer?

And he came into the garage with my friends there and goes, oh, use your penis, you shithead.

what a rude

i said that's rude daddy no it was fine my dad i'd go how do i get this off and then my mom's like he left four years ago remember who are you talking to and i go

oh and she goes oh let's put the water wiggle on i go yay

The water wiggle.

You mean the slip and slide?

Yeah, you tie it on the hose and it's got a little face on it.

It's like, sprays you all over.

Slip and slide was great.

Slip and slide was a fucking hit.

A doboy pool.

Someone had a doboy pool.

That was for rich.

What is that?

Doughboy.

It's like you inflate it and it's above ground, but it's kind of like a pool, but it's like four feet.

Oh, above ground pools?

Yeah, okay.

Doughboys.

Don't change.

We didn't have any fancy name for it, Megan Markle, like you.

Megan Markle.

All right, one more.

I've got a million things to do, Dana.

One million.

I'm going to the store.

I'm going to Cincinnati.

Not Columbus, though, this time.

You're flying to the city.

What are the others?

Okay.

Newark.

Cleveland.

Cleveland and Newark.

And Cincy, where my mom's from.

Okay, I don't know what this is.

Bay Area woman.

Tens of thousands of dollars after she says she sent money to a scammer who said he was celebrity Keanu Reed.

Diane Reinstap said she was playing words with friends when somebody messaged her saying he was fucking nerds with friends.

We started chatting over the next two

This does sound like Keanu and that I am loyal to you.

You will always be my queen.

Have a great day today, Diane.

I love you.

If he said that to me in fairness, I'd give him 10 grand.

Keanu said he needed tens of thousands of dollars in Bitcoin and cryptocurrency for help with legal troubles.

Knowing what I know now and all the technology that's out there and fake voices and everything else, you know, ding, ding, ding.

I love this story.

If you're shouting the story, be sure to download the Fox local app.

Yeah, we will.

I love when someone learns.

Heather, download that app for me.

Yeah, I love when they learn.

After four years.

By the way, Dana, you've probably had this.

You don't look at your stuff, but people DM me, hey, for the last time, I've given you $7,000.

Is this really you?

I'm like,

why are you suddenly going to my Instagram to the real guy to see if the fake guy, David Spade, is real?

Like, they finally go,

last chance.

They're giving money.

I go, I don't need money from you.

If I need money, I won't go to you.

I'll go to

Bill Hayter.

I'll go to Brian Cranston, my new friend.

But I won't, I'll go to Dana.

I just go for me, and it happens over time.

We all do it.

Oh, this scam, scam.

Even if it looks official, looks really good, like an email or a text, scam, scam.

Hi, honey.

So I go, Fuck you.

And it's actually my wife.

So that

creates all kinds of problems.

But she goes, Can I have a dollar to go to the laundromat?

And you go, this is a fucking scam.

This is your last chance.

They get you, you know, if you pay now, you can always kind of read through the lines.

Okay, that's bullshit.

Yeah.

It's it's mine mine when my when my fake David Spade gets money first of all.

He goes, Hi, fan.

I'm so excited to have you as fan.

I love my fan so much.

Do you want to go on a secret, private chat with me?

Or it's like a fake Heather manager that goes, a high fan, I run David Spade's private, secret chat line.

Would you come over?

And they're like, oh.

Mine are more blatant, you know, maybe because of my age.

Urgent, urgent message.

You are 3,485 money in arrears to the bank of Fatabada.

You know, arrears.

Arrears.

People, when people ask me for money, I forget it.

But anyway,

it sounds rude.

I feel bad if people

are making fun of them.

I'm saying scam don't fall for scammers.

Scammers, not actual charity.

You don't look at your DMs a lot because I have sent you some dick pics along the day.

I mean, for your birthday.

Is that what DM means?

I thought it was direct message.

It's dick mess.

Direct message, but then I can send you messages.

Sometimes I send you messages, but I send them.

I don't know.

I guess when you're getting into social media,

I'll start posting and stuff.

I don't know.

It feels.

Heather will give you classes.

Come over here for like 20 minutes.

Yeah,

I'll start doing that.

I'm really excited about it.

It's not too late to get in the game.

Let's get you on TikTok.

What's your snap?

Well, who isn't on it?

I mean, even stars, they say when they go up for movie parts, they go, how many TikTok followers do you have?

We got to hire the person with the most.

Because, you know, when you see, even in deadline, is the last thing I'll say about this.

Okay.

Deadline will say, oh, this movie opened this weekend with The Rock in it, 38 million Instagram followers, combined with Kevin Hart, 22 million, and he has 4 million on TikTok.

And combined, they really,

they will give all those stats when a movie comes out, when a movie does well.

They're like, this is how big of an audience they could reach.

So weird.

Well, Ronaldo, he's the soccer player, right?

Isn't he at 700 million or 800 million followers?

I don't know if it's that much.

I think he's the top.

Well, how much?

Okay,

that's a guy who's got 800 million.

So what do you have?

Don't start with John Holmes and ask.

Okay.

A full mic drop.

But yeah,

I,

yeah, I'll do some stuff.

I mean, I like trying to put some funny stuff.

I'll do some stuff.

No, you, yeah, you would be good at it.

You just, I know it's I've done it.

It's sort of going through different times when you start doing it.

And then you're doing funny videos and stuff.

And then you're like, you know,

and then if you stop for a while, then you're sort of like, you know.

It's kind of fun to do and to keep stuff out there.

Of course, I'm so thirsty and embarrassing.

I have a TikTok.

All right.

Well, that's a good show.

I feel like that's a good wrap-up.

It was a great birthday.

Everyone who heard it or saw it is really happy that they

smarter, happier.

It was nice to see you.

Nice to meet you.

And this is the end of my Burke's birthday.

Birthday week, yeah.

Birthday weekend plus.

Yeah.

Dana's birthday plus, like Disney's.

Yeah.

But it's behind me.

Okay.

All right.

Say bye to everyone, Dana.

Thanks, everybody.

This has been a presentation of Odyssey Superfly.

It's executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade, Jenna Weiss-Berman of Odyssey, Heather Santoro, and Greg Holtzman.

Hope you liked it.