SUPERFLY #70 - AGE APPROPRIATE!

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Well, let me, can I ask you a question about that? Sure. This is off the cuff, completely unplanned.
Like, what were you thinking? I mean, what? I mean, because. Are you in active litigation with your barber? Well, my dad, and this is no joke, not getting around here.
He'd put a bowl a bowl over your head or you know and then he'd shave around the sides and um work right and you know he'd go real close right there and uh well what why that's called the fade all the young people is that that's what you have the fade that's the word i've heard but really it's yeah i like it a little long in the back it's a little slightly molly yeah heather likes it's fun i think it's pretty good it's just it's all nice the first day and now i go on the road i'm actually doing some soft packing right now today don't get me wrong it's a it's a really cute little little cut i mean it's a it's a darling style on you i i'll say. Listen, it's a mighty cute cut.

You know that bit, right?

Yeah.

Did I ever do that in this 80s for you?

Or do you just know it from here?

I know it because me and my friend Jody do it.

You can say it.

Well, okay.

So, folks, this literally goes back to one of my, this is late 70s in college.

And I said that men, I don't know, the setup, the setup. Men and women are different.
Men and women are different. Like a man would never walk up to another man with a new shirt on and go, I got to say, that's a mighty cute top you got on there.
Something like that, right? Yeah. It's a mighty cute top.
Mighty cute top. So even then, it was like a catchphrase i'm uh king of the catchphrases but i like your wave looks good whatever it's called fade wave but you know when you were a kid and you got that little bowl cut you're not out trying to get some puss you're not trying to bang beef i mean you're just a kid right so you don't you're not heading to the golden globes just get the hair out of the eyes that's all the parents are saying you mean make love to someone you mean make sweet love and intercourse yeah i think that's what i meant yeah came out wrong well we we would um you know basically we got crew cuts and my dad would basically shave our heads and we look like billiard balls and my mom would come in and go dana in the side pocket.
It's the easiest cut to do, I guess. By the way, speaking of the award shows, I saw the AMAs.
I saw clips. You're the one who saw it.
That snuck up on me. I didn't know it was on until eight minutes before, and I said, nah, you're going to do it.
Well, the AMAs, CMAs, AAA towing. I mean, is there any there any difference i don't know what they are i don't know which ones mean more mean less yeah straight a's uh double a batteries you understand the oakland a's right your turn uh double d's batteries pervert AMAs, bitch.
So anyway, the AMAs, J-Lo's out there huffing and puffing.

And I got to admit, bless her heart. D's batteries pervert.
Triple A's bitch. So anyway,

the AMA's JLo's out there huffing and puffing.

And I got to admit,

bless her heart.

She has her goddamn pedal to the metal.

She does not let off the gas.

She is 12 minute cold opening.

My God.

And she always looks great.

She looks,

she looks incredible.

I don't know if this is true,

but I read on,

I don't know where I read it, that she will actually have her assistant chain her to a Stairmaster at a 10 so she won't get off of it because... Oh, it's Stairmaster, not even a treadmill.
I'm going back to the 90s, man. Well, you know, I mean, here's the thing thing and this is a kind of a newsflash for people who are still listening at 4 26 or watching that working out your ass is the most important thing you can do and women in the gym and certain well i guess i'll just say it gay men and women would do a lot of glute exercises straight men would go i ain't work and no ass and that is the most important muscle you should do it for your back for everything else so plus girls check out booties too so you know you gotta try to give them everything uh i will say she did the cold opening she hoofed it out you know tapped in a little whatever she does looks great whatever she does.
Looks great. And then at the end, oh, she kisses a guy dancer, then kisses a girl dancer.
You got to have a little clickbait, that old chestnut. And that is clicking the box.
Let me write that down. Yeah.
Okay. Yeah.
All right, here we are. Oh, here we go.
Oh, that's a good one. She got in there.
Grabbing hair. Oh, okay.
Listen, it works. Madonna did the VMAs.
That was the first time I saw two girls kiss. I was like, oh.
The next level of that is you kiss that, and then you go over and you kiss the cameraman. Oh, is that one? Mix it up.
Do something. Kiss the camera maybe, like right.
Oh, I did that as Hans and Franz years ago. Oh, sorry.
Sorry. That was a cold open too.
Well, we did a, it was if Hans and Franz made a video with candlelight and wine and stuff and we're seducing women. Yeah.
Well, listen, my little dumpling. And then I was licking the lens.
I'm not proud of it. But Lauren said, oh, it wasn't your proudest moment.
Maybe this week a picnic with Hans and Franz. You're like, yep.
Anything with Hans and Franz is funny. It's funny.
Give me the applesauce. Yeah.
And if you think you could do it better than me and eat applesauce with a gummy mouth, think again. You're a fl loser you think i use a spork well it's like these two insecure paranoid schizophrenics it having this cable show with maybe two people watching threatening them for not you know if you don't think we're properly pumped up that was the end of it so i do like that uh we'll tell you very quickly before I steamroll over your weekend.
I did spend most of the day and night yesterday going to see Mission Impossible. Was it as good as the sequel? Good, good, good, good as the prequel.
Is it good? I heard it was good. Well, it's a little bit like, it's the eighth one.
So a little bit like Fast and Furious. Do we need eight? Well, it's sort of, how can I? First of all, no spoilers.
I'm trying not to do spoilers. Don't do spoilers.
I won't. When he dies at the beginning.
That feels like a spoiler. No, no.
You could tell. Tom Cruise is not gonna die at the beginning.
The funny thing is, it's AI centric, the plot. The last one was all about AI.
Oh, it was? Yeah. Maybe, oh, because they kept saying this is a standalone movie.
Maybe it was supposed to be the second half of that one i don't know i think anyway the crew is back and his girlfriend is more age appropriate she's only probably 30 years younger this time that's great um anyway that's funny well tom cruise uh you know i don know what people do these days, but he's got a great mop of hair. He looks very good.
The hair is very mop-ish. Like, first of all, it has to be.
It's windblown in every scene. He's on a propeller.
He's on a submarine. He's just getting blown all over.
And the funny thing is, of course, I watch, because in the new world, you go, Tom Cruise, he's older than me. But I go, you know, he looks good, obviously.
But then I go, oh, he's a little puffy. And then you get in this world of like, if he looks a little old, you say he looks old.
If he looks better, you go, he's had work. You can't win.
These stars can't win. The only way to win is just go halvesies.
Now, he's got chestnut brown hair, full mop. And I had a friend, Gary Prince from New York, and he would always look at someone in their 60s and go, wait a minute, not one gray hair? Not one? But I don't judge any of it because, look, I figured this out last week, and I don't know if I told you but you are the product so tom cruise yeah he is the product and we want tom cruise we don't mind him looking a little older but we don't want grandpa cruise so do the little fillers do a few things just don't look turn into a freak that's david right i think the idea and you're right about this product thing is you are the product you have to sell yourself you're the twinkie and twinkies always stay the same now if twinkies look old and beat up you don't want them anymore exactly and liam neeson at 77 they put him in an overcoat now i don't like what you're saying all he has to do is go like that and they cut cut so yeah tom cruise in a big coat liam neeson's wearing spanks you know but and he's six four yeah go ahead so tom cruise looks good i mean this movie i was comparing it like many of us to busboys and i was like you could fit three busboys i mean this movie is long it's so complicated busboys we're trying to make it very simple mean, our audience is going to be two to five-year-olds.
So we're like, let's make it the simplest thing. We're two busboys that want to become waiters, straighten out our life.
It's called a low-budget comedy. They never call it a low-budget action adventure with Tom Cruise.
That doesn't exist. Dude, me getting out of the car is our only stunt.
going like this Oh! Well, let me ask you a question Yeah We're not going to give away anything No But did you ever say Did you go alone to the movie theater? You know, you kind of go solo I've gone in my more twilight years to the movies alone If I feel like it I don't really get worried about it But with someone last night. Yeah.
So was there ever a stunt where he's hanging by his pinky from the golden gate bridge or whatever he's doing, jumping out of a rocket ship. Did you ever say to yourself or out loud in the theater, get the fuck out of here? Yes, you did.
Well, when a giant that looks like the peanut M and M cartoon, but it says AI on it, and he's like fighting AI. I'm like, oh, that seems a little cheap.
No, actually, I'm going to go down, Heather. Here we go.
I'm switching. Watch this, everybody.
Talk about stunts. What does he do? What? Mickey Rooney just showed up.
Give me some heights. So listen, Thomas Moe Pather Cruise comes out out and the movie's a little lengthy.
There's a couple of things we don't need. I came in a half hour late and I nailed it almost perfectly.
Saw Nicole Kidman come in. She still gets a smattering for that goddamn AMC commercial where she walks in the theater.
Yeah. By the way, there's three commercials and four nine-minute long previews.

Let's go.

Let's go.

Well, they picked Nicole Kidman because actually they announced that this week she will not be filming a live streaming show.

And it went global.

For Netflix.

That's why she's like, enjoy the movies because she hasn't been in a movie theater in a while. Well, actually, Baby Girl, she did where she.
I got a little peepee. I got a peepee.
Yeah, she was on all fours and was licking the milk, you know. But, I mean, who doesn't do that? They said it was kinky.
Really? You want to see my audition for Baby Girl? That's me drinking the milk. Then I go, can I go peepee? what she says right something like that well there's a plethora do you remember you went to state school is it kinky there's a plethora of movies with women of a certain age like say late 40s to early 60s becoming highly highly erotic and sexual and sexualized.
And Nicole Kidman is the queen of that right now. And I commend her.
She's a great actress. Very pretty.
She's great. She's great in everything she does.
Saw her in LA when she was in SNL. Saw her in Australia, Dana.
Can you fucking believe it? You never told me about that. Ran into her smack dab in her hometown.
And what did you say? Well, golly gee, Miss Kidman, I did pick some wildflowers for you. No, my friend was embarrassing.
What did he do? The quick story, there's no quick story she was perfectly lovely on SNL I saw her at a restaurant once after SNL she said hi to me uh so at least she remembered sort of some of the cast and crew she's cool very polite yeah so I'm I go to the Joder premiere in Australia but we go the night before we're invited to Baz Luhrmann moviehrmann movie. What is that called? Baz Luhrmann.
Yeah, that guy. What was that called? Moulin Rouge.
You did that. Moulin Rouge.
Yeah, it was. How did Dana get that before you? Because I did an event in Vegas.
She goes, because Dana's listening. I'm actually listening.
No, no. Moulin Rouge.
So we go and they have every cinema, That's what they call it. And they have booze there.
So me and my friend go in and my friend's, you know, sort of a super plus one. He's immediately wasted.
He's baked. He already got weed from the bodyguard.
So Moulin Rouge is like watching, you know, sort of a strobe light. So it's not exactly for me.
It's dancing. It's fanciful and there's lights and she's in it it's the premiere yeah we go in me and my buddies say you know i gotta feel for it so we go let's go to the bar so we go to the bar we're coming back no one's in the lobby anymore two bodyguards nicole kidman sitting there holding her shoes and i'm like and he goes Nicole Kidman.
I go, is it? And we walk up and she's on like a little tiny loveseat couch, you know, and the two bodyguards are there. And she goes, she goes, oh, hey, I go, hey, I go, this movie's great.
And she goes, oh, why are you out here? And I go, oh, popped. Didn't think there'd be a follow-up question.
So then blah blah and then she goes oh why don't you sit down and my buddy sits next to her before i can move my buddy heather's not surprised she knows him sits down next to her and i go oh and the bodyguard's like you know they don't know i don't know if they know me they don't know anything but she's being friendly and this is right after she broke up with tom cruise so they're, you know, she's like lady Diana down there. They loved her.
Oh yeah. So bodyguards like this, I'm like this, waiters like this, sharks like this.
And so I say, blah, blah, blah. And then I, so I can't even say what I said, but it was, I was a little.
You can say it on this podcast. I think I said something like, Oh, she had a, this sounds so horrible and she'll kill me.

Cause. You can say it on this podcast.
I think I said something like, oh, she had a, this sounds so horrible and she'll kill me because it was embarrassing to her. I said something to the apologetically effective because she had her.
I think she had slightly, barely hairy legs.

Well, so she's wearing a just-

Just because she's so faint redhead, I don't know.

And she said, oh, are you noticing that my legs are hairy?

Is that not normal?

And I said, oh, I just think, you know, I think I joke.

And I was like, well, hey, the marketing campaign's back on.

She goes, oh my God, I have to shave my legs. I just shave them.
I don't know, below the knee or whatever it was. And I said, Oh yeah, I don't really know for sure.
All the rules. And then my buddy goes, the whole setup was not that weird, except my buddy leans over and goes, I think you have great legs touches from the knee down to her foot whoa everyone froze the bodyguards like ramjet ramjet eagle eagle bogey bogey wow crazy crazy and then someone put hands on your yeah they go hey sir sir sir yeah you can't yeah you can't you don touch the princess of.
I've had two celebrity tap outs and the celebrity tap out is like, I I'm happy about it. Like I was at an event and Julia Roberts was over the way.
And I, for some reason I thought I should say hi, we were going to do a Shakespeare thing. And she's like celebrity tap outs.
Go ahead. Just celebrity tap outs.
So I started to walk over the big shit-eating grin. And then I saw her kind of look down like that because I understood she didn't want the, hey, you know, I got to say, you know, when you did this movie or that movie.
Sure. So then later on, it's Tom Hanks' event.
We'd go there and read Shakespeare and act goofy. It is a theater.
And she was, so we ended up having lunch around this big table. And she was super cool.
So I use my trick that never has failed. And I go to the person next to my camera, what movie star it was.
And I said, have you ever had a supernatural experience besides meeting me? And then everyone goes around and has a poltergeist. Everyone goes around with a poltergeist scary story and everyone gets excited.
The only one over by himself, this is like six movie stars and me, is Keanu Reeves seated by himself facing away. And we're like, come on over.
And that guy is the coolest. But I also had the same thing.
I was in, I don't travel much, but I was in Paris in a cafe in the morning with my wife. And I don't like small town either.
Country drop, city drop. Here's one you won't expect.
Little Parisian cafe, late morning. Guy comes in.
He turns. He sees me and immediately turns away.
So I don't know if I'm recognizable in that way, but he immediately turned away. And then I pivoted and turned away.
And that person was, guess. Gary Oldman.
Joaquin Phoenix oh good one

who is the coolest

I know

yep

but I didn't want to have

small talk with him

and he didn't want to have

small talk with me

you know so

oh yeah

he's cool

I'd say Joaquin

Benicio

Keanu

all those guys

are the cool guys

out there

I love it

I love it

Keanu Reeves is

whoa

oh god

I don't think I mean he was he was Ted. I was Garth.
We could have been Ted. What was Bill and Ted? Was he Ted? Bill and Garth.
Bill and Garth and Ted and Wayne. That would be the matchup.
You know what? That should have been a big fucking matchup. Well, with chat GBT, look for that soon.
Let's look at a clip. Let's look at a clip.
Julia Roberts, huge star, by the way. Absolutely.
Okay, so. Absolutely.
And incredibly nice. Once she saw, I wasn't going to be slobbering on her and fanning out and was regular.
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I'm still embarrassed to my Nicole Kidman story that I told you that, and she was part of that disaster. But she was very friendly about it.
She's told the guys, it's okay, it's okay. And then we excused ourselves and slinked.
Senses is a rare live podcast. I'm just checking.
David Spade dishes about Nicole Kidman's Harry Lates. Harry Lates.
Don't even say that at all. She is a great person.
You go you're fine by the way should we do a live

podcast or would that be it doesn't matter i think let's go to the youtube comments at some point

we should this is going to be released in 45 minutes so it's almost live it's not like this

greg has to do a three-week edit you know i want it i don't i don't think anything gets edited out

of our stupid show no our stupid show that's the subtitle so by the way on amazon dandy lion

Thank you. I don't think anything gets edited out of our stupid show.
No. Our stupid show.
That's the subtitle. So, by the way, on Amazon, Dandelion is still playing.
Yes. And thank you for bringing it up.
And I'm sort of talking with them about a special, and the working title is Sticker Bush. That's the name of an OnlyF only fans I follow.
Oh yeah. That's not exactly, you know, I saw a dandelion today and I filmed it even though no one could give a fat fuck, but I've seen three in a row in a patch of grass.
You will never believe this. And they are all by themselves.
There's not any other. There's just those.
I like the white ones. I didn't even know the yellow ones were dandelions, just to be honest.
So I just like the fluffy white ones. You know, you blow on them.
So they sit there, very fragile. They sit there and I'm like, again, I film them.
I'll put them in my stories, but, and then everyone will be so excited. But it's crazy.
Well, let me ask you a question. Crazy, Not crazy.
Does the dandelion, as a way of having kids and propagating seeds,

does it like to be blown on,

or would it rather have the wind take its stuff?

It would rather have straight sex.

Now, I think, is that what it does?

The seeds go out?

I don't know.

That's usually about in the springtime, the wind comes and the flowers go all over the place. Oh, that makes more sense.
College of San Mateo, I don't really. But I did want to just sing the praises of Amazon, not just because you're on Amazon.
Danny Lyon, available right now on Amazon Prime, is YMVF, is it so easy to receive and send packages on Amazon compared to FedEx, UPS, or going to some, the Gap site or anything? USPS. They fight you.
And I figured it out that Amazon was sitting around, okay, we're going to deliver packages. All right, Wilson, what's your idea? Well, I'm saying this and I'm only going to say it once.
What is it, Wilson? We're going to leave the packages. Are you out of your mind? We'll put a sticker on the mailbox or on the gate and then they'll come drive to us and get the package otherwise it'll be stolen some will get stolen but we're gonna make a fortune if we leave the package because they don't fight you and when you go on amazon prime i sent my brother 20 pounds of peanut brittle for a buck 99 and he got it two days later 50th birthday i mean it is so easy to receive and send shit on amazon it's addicted but they are incredibly efficient i agree with you

that they said jenkins what do you think we should do what would make a better service and he goes

as fast as effing possible we get them you know you can order on amazon i think heather will

vouch at noon and get it by like five that day is that possible yes you can get it you can get it you pay but you get it you pay two hundred dollars and get a phone cord it works yeah during breakfast i realized i forgot my toothbrush and i order and i get it it's basically this you go to the post office you deal with the ups their whole attitude is what, get out of here. With Amazon, it's like, can we help you? Want to order again? That's a really smart thing.
Order 1,200 bottles of baby oil. Do you want to see a baby oil? Well, whatever you do in your spare time.
I'm having practice freak-offs. Just one case of baby oil.
Just trying to get the beats down, see how they work. But if you go to FedEx sometimes, yeah, they leave a sticker.
You have to drive the middle of nowhere. 60 miles away.
It's just not. It's just.
And when you try to order something online, it's not Amazon. Who has the time? You put in your credit card info.
You put everything. And then just red things come up.
No, no, no. It's too much.
Try again, bitch. Okay, last thing I'll tell you, if that's the last thing you're saying, is I'm worried about...
Here's a prediction, and it's very bold, Dana. I want to hear it.
Okay. I think you can handle it.
I'm a little parched, so this better be a good one. Take a sip.
I feel like because of AI, it might be the end of Instagram pretty much in a couple years, and OnlyFans. Because when you go on Instagram, what are you really looking at? You're looking at photos.
You don't know for sure if they're doctored nope videos of people

doctored sports news they have you know they have like the announcers going and this fat fuck comes

up to base he throws it out oh shit man i would have pissed my pants and that you know and it's

the real guy's voice and it's a real scene you don't know and they have newscasters going well

and more bullshit news today they tell a real story and you're like did they say that like

And so... it's a real scene you don't know and they have newscasters going well and more bullshit news today they tell a real story and you're like did they say that like and so it's getting so blurry it makes me want to look at instagram less because you just you'll send somebody something they go fake dude this guy can't fall that far this truck can't jump like that and you go well so it takes the fun out of it.
Well, look here, let me set the table for you. Alphabet, i.e.
Google, its parent company, just released some videos, i.e. short films this week.
And they showed them alongside another AI short film from a year ago. It's extraordinary.

It looks like real people acting in real movies.

There is no real people.

There is no real set.

There's card.

Fearful.

It's perfection.

So very soon, if Busboys is a hit for the second Busboy movie, all you need is to get a prompter to go with AI and go, Busboy, the sequel. This time, Theo Vaughn loses the girl.
Press the button, sit back, and you'll have the movie. Busboys 2, even stupider.
That's what it's called.

You prompt it, and then you'll have the movie

completely ready to go on Google or Amazon

or in a movie theater,

and it'll all be made up by a computer.

Will people care about an AI movie?

Not if they'll love it if they can't tell any difference.

If we say we went and filmed it.

That's a good trick. Well, here's the deal we can make wayne's world 3 it'll look just like mike and i 35 years ago oh i see there might be something if it's maybe if it's your real voice not ai and mike wrote it maybe it's you guys write it So it has some realistic realism to it.
Because I don't know if everyone's going to buy just, they might. I'm just more nervous about it because things seem fake everywhere then.
Well, that definitely, you can't believe anything you see. And it is terrifying that they can make digital copies talking and doing obscene stuff um but the studios i mean the cost of just having the computer make the movie but it looks just like mission impossible you don't have to get the helicopter up in the sky i don't i think it's kind of inevitable dude tom cruise does his own stunts you don't even need to with a i mean he's hanging off this he's on a biplane he's in a submarine he does some stuff that's so crazy i do see some easy trims in that movie i'm no expert but if people are fidgeting they do they do go full length on those movies yeah they they you know they spend so much they want it all on screen i think that's what happens.
The thing is, is that the director, they have to tamp Tom down. Because Tom Cruise seems to have no fear of anything.
Yeah. And so he has suggested they had a biplane with a prop.
And he said, put the prop plane on. Get the propeller going full speed.
I'll put my head down and I'll sprint into the propeller.

Through it?

Yeah.

Through the propeller.

And they explain to him, Tom, no, the propeller is going to chew up your head. And he goes,

come on, man.

It's moving quite fast, Tom.

They do have to keep Tom under wraps.

He says, what if I have the propeller just trim me ball hair?

What is that?

Why are you like a pirate, me ball hair why are you like a pirate me ball hair it sounds funny and they go tom is that your compromise the only compromise have they ever suggested a stunt to tom cruise where he said get the fuck out of town no way man that's too dangerous i don't think you know what i'm trying to think of the one they said oh this is the one he does and i'm like trying to remember it from the movie where the one is like oh that was crazy and i'm like i don't even remember where he's walking on a biplane this has all been in the trailer oh i didn't watch the trailer he's you know yada yada yada there's submarine stuff there's cold water uh but i i do feel like he's like uh i don't know a cartoon character like Marmaduke or something where everything bad keeps happening to him. I don't know what's a good cartoon character.
Because he goes, I'm just going to run to this submarine real quick. And then it's like, he gets, you know, he's on the biplane.
He gets a splinter in his hand from the wing. It's just, then he does then they run out of gas and they it's like whatever is in front of them there's nine things that happen everything goes wrong and you go whatever could go wrong it's exhausting it's exhausting and he's just goes and goes and goes but i don't know at this point what can you say i mean well we all saw him driving around james corden in planes and jumping out of planes and yeah i just want to know how to be less afraid of life you know yeah he's not afraid yeah i'm on like a you know just a regular southwest airlines and i'm kind of sweating he's he's hanging by me so anyway i do overall it's it was worth seeing because all that all that craziness a lot of fun to it.
What about Lilo and Stitch? Fuck them. You know what? That was harsh.
That was harsh. Yeah.
I don't know. I don't know who they are.
Yeah. If I saw Lilo and Stitch at the Golden Globes, I wouldn't know who they are.
I would have no. No i i think it's lilo and stitch or lilo and stitch no it's all right there's too much content but it's not yeah because of our age group it's not for me you can't see everything i mean you're you're like uh an award show guy you're never gonna miss the grammys or the m i mean you're you're like you're you're glued to the tube on some there's some someone's getting an award i glued to the indies at Cannes to play at one in the morning with a 45-minute standing ovation.
Is there any chance, any chance you'll get nominated for Busboys for an Oscar? Oscar? Probably not. What could you get? Fan favorite, probably.
Razzie? Razzie? I mean, we're always in danger of being up for Razzie. Anyone in these comedies that people just want to poo-hoo on? Yeah, I don't buy all that.
Is that a word? All right, let's get to the hot stories. We're really wasting everyone's time.
They're just doing their dishes right now. It's a little pressure.
I just like this title. I don't know what this is about.
I like it already. The human body is not meant to piss every day.
Toilets have made our bladder soft. The human body is not meant to piss.
Should be able to piss up to 30 feet. What the fuck? Is this AI the faster the distance is met the healthier your your urinary tract is let me write that down because i'm gonna uh type it into a post later the faster the distance is met the healthier your urinary tract is that's exactly right it's kind of like a larynx expound on ever seen a healthy larynx? I've seen scans.
Sure. When you're looking at a scan of a healthy larynx, sound is coming out.
You can measure sound. Right.
In terms of how hard it is. Okay, that's enough.
All right. I like the guy that writes, I'm trying to get mine to 35 feet.
Dude, mine barely makes the commode the commode the bathroom uh i don't know uh sound to think if i ever did any kind of urinary have you gone all day without peeing never um i well unhealthy unhealthy we you're defeated you go well we talked about that if you have surgery, you come out of surgery, it doesn't have to be surgery. Then you either at a certain point, they say you got to pee or I'm going to have to cath you.
It's like a pencil. I go, what is bigger than where it's going? A full pencil? Okay.
Let's at that size. And a nurse and two guys from Game of Thrones ram it into my wiener.
Yeah. Oh, Heather said she's never heard me scream that loud.
She was down the hall. And when the nurse goes, okay, you woke up from your hernia.
You're all good. You made it.
Now, the part I don't like to tell you about, see this looks like a slim gym. We're going to ram this.
I go, why are you waiting? I was asleep for five hours. You wake me up for the worst pain of my life.
And then she does it i was like richard belzer said he took his cat in and the guy had to check his butt so the doctor takes this huge finger and rams up the cat's ass and the cat goes meow okay heather you okay when this fake story about a cat, Heather's mad about that. Whatever happens to me with a doctor, any kind of checkup or anything, I say, yeah, let's do it.
Let's do it. Anything I do that would be embarrassing, I always go the opposite.
There's men are too embarrassed. And I go, let's do it.
Let's go for it. You have to whack off into this glass for a sample.
I go, leave the door open. Where are you going? Exactly.
Where are you going? And they want you to give a urine sample and go, if you got a bigger cup, doc, you know. Yeah.
Lord's preserves. Yeah.
I used to do this bit of, uh, this is kind of in the general area, a bit.

I dropped cause it's kind of blue for me, you know, ears, nose, and throat.

It's kind of specific.

You know, what do you do here?

I do ears, nose, and throat.

Anything else?

No, it's just ears, nose, and throat.

And then next door is the guy with a shingle.

He's a doctor goes toes, balls, and ass.

That's all he does.

Toes, balls, and ass.

Just three things, David. Shoulders, nips, and pubes.
I was waiting for it, and that was a good one. Something.
It is funny. Ears, nose, and throat.
Can you help me with my nose? Nope. I'm just ears, nose, nose.
No, nothing about it. Nothing with the ear.
I go ears, nose, and throat. What about the eyes? Get your eyes.
Don't even know how they work. I have no idea.
I have a pain in my... No.
Ears, nose, and throat. Mm-hmm.
All right. Next story.
Next story. We got that one good.
We got that one good. Yeah.
It's going to be the craziest road rage I've ever seen. So she walks up...
Oh, road rage. Here you go, Heather.
...pulls up her dress and diarrhea is all over her... What? all over her car.
What? I like the term diarrhea. She just diarrhea on my car? Yeah.
How can you just diarrhea on command like that? That is a gift. When keistered, ready to go for anyone who pops off.
Wherever her destination is, she's showing up on an empty tank. Oh.
I don't... I don't think we should be allowed to show videos that are that sexy.
I don't think it's fair. Dude, is this OnlyFans? What are we watching? That's a keeper.
That's a keeper. You want a girl that can diarrhea when you're mad at someone? Hey, go diarrhea on them.
Well, we've covered urine and feces i don't know what uh look at we work a little blue this week it's fine this week we're it's an adult show we're not making up this happened out in the world so we're just reporting the news yeah i'd say it's um don't hate the player hate the game okay let's see monkey look at monkey's the dog. Okay, here we go.
Monkey. Look at it.
Monkey's the dog. Oh, and he paints.
Monkey, a one-of-a-kind artist who also happens to be a Belgian Malinois. Looks like he's stressing.
Monkey has achieved fame not only for his tricks and movie roles, but for his extraordinary I can jump in a puddle. There's no way he painted that.

Fuck off, monkey.

There's no way.

Monkey, you lying piece of shit.

He's spinning his head around.

Maybe that one.

There's not that one.

There's not that one.

I can't do that.

No, now they got a little bit.

It's funny.

It's not even AI, it's faker. Monkey is the only dog in the world capable of producing artwork.
It's a funny... Monkey is so full of shit.
...has captured the hearts of many, setting him apart as a trailblazer in the world of canine creativity. Unless you have a lot of paintings by Monkey.
Way to go, Monkey. Way to go, Monkey.
It looks like your art a little bit. What? You mean like a monkey could do it or a dog? No, you have artwork.
Yes, I do. Maybe I'll share it with the audience.
Let's show it next week because I said I wanted one for my house a long time ago. I know.
Because I thought it was quite good. And then, remember- It wasn't monkey good, but it was- I called you when you asked you to still want some of my artwork.

And I guess you just had a bag of Cheetos or something.

I couldn't.

So I just hung up.

Oh, yeah.

But I did want it still.

You know, you have some great stuff in your home.

But it's not valuable.

I mean, it's not valuable.

Yours?

No, I'm just saying.

No, you have nice. Oh, yeah.
No, mine's trash. Yeah, it's not valuable.
Something for the walls. It comes to the house.
I keep it. Yeah, photos and stuff like that.
Okay, we realize we all agree. Both judges agree.
The monkey's trying to bullshit everyone. I thought it was a very funny, well-done parody of a dog that could actually paint.
I think they were serious, though. That's the sad part.
Really? I think it was a joke. And they did put the brush in the dog's face and have it go like that a little bit.
Dude, they go like this up close. It's really good.
Then they show him in his mouth. He's like, errr.
Doesn't know anything. Monkey goes, errr.
Spinning his head around Look

Dog people always want their dogs to be human

Of course

And that's just the fun of it

Didn't Oprah say

It's just as profound as having a kid

Getting a puppy

How would you like to be a dog

Named after another animal

That's embarrassing

Oh so it's a dog They called they call it monkey yeah that is kind of cruel it's kind of rude actually i would have called it yes good even if you call it jack or something now you're like oh you're like a human to me you're like a friend if i had a beautiful golden lab, I'd call it larvae.

That's one of the top names this year.

I try to stop monkey.

Larvae.

Larvae.

Larvae.

I may get a dog soon, but I'll wait till- Ooh.

Because I really do love dogs.

They're uppers.

I mean, they're just like- For sure. ...knighted and stuff.
My friend got a little baby beagle. Would you ever do a beagle with a big floppy ears or sort of cute? Beagles are actually badass.
Like beagles will go on your property, look at a gopher hole and stand over it with it and stand for hours, not moving. Wait until a gopher comes.
So they're actually really, really cool. You can do stuff with them.
I know a girl that can come over if you have a gopher hole and then she'll squirt diarrhea in it. Is there no end to the scatological? Well, it was one of the hot news stories.
I know. Well, look toes balls and ass doctor so i i can't i can't i'm not gonna judge you you're a comedian no one's blaming you i'm the one that's filthy you're honest you're good um i'm not a prude about it i'm trying to my what your favorite scatological joke um now i can't say that but i don't know that one yeah I'm not that dirty my, what, your favorite scatological joke?

Now, I can't say that, but I don't know that one.

Yeah, yeah.

I don't know.

I'm not that dirty.

My act is probably R-rated, but it's not really offensive. No, it's just not.
It's not blue, blue. Not even close.
No. All right, next one.
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A closer look for you. Okay.
Basketball. Oh, this is how bad basketball is getting.
What is this? Oh, it's like a foul or something. Oh, they're all fighting.
It's the beginning of a melee now they're just

who is she

oh a mom

punches him

oh a mom

started the fight

she's kidding

oh

oh the mom

comes and tries

to take out

Jack Harlow

whoever that kid is

wow

I do not want

to get beat up

by a mom

but which one

was mom number 12 12? Weber?

Was that a...

What's that?

Oh, oh, and...

I think it's a little too rough.

Well, that's a little dark.

Yeah, a little dark.

But, yeah, it's all right.

I mean, listen, the news is out there. We're trying to protect America from the real news.
All our listeners. Right.
We're just giving them little blibs and blabs. Yeah, we want you to, when you click off on this, we don't want you to go, whew.
We want you to go, ha ha, that was fun. Yeah.
Even though we do break that rule sometimes. Okay, next one.
Let's see oh this is me when i'm angry and old it's a cat one either watch another cat okay that's it what was that was that slow motion or something I like it he goes he goes that's you at a singles bar going up to a woman I go hey good looking good looking cats are gnarly in that way you know okay same weight class cat versus dog who wins i say cat because it's got the claws and the teeth and the energy they go they're so fast yeah they go crazy and they're all they're all kind of pent up and mad at all times well i i had i look at heather to get a reaction she was like this she's the great cat defender um yeah we had a cat named boots it was uh no right you're stupid what was the joke you said because he had fur on his well cat boots would you know when you're a kid and the cat would find its way to your bed i was on a bunk bed and get up and it would sit on my chest and its face would be looking right at me and it would be purring and kneading my chest and purring. And I'm looking at the cat in the eyes and I'm like, I'm going, is this cat getting off on this? I know.
I think they are. That was my joke.
You'd say that. I thought you said boots because he had white on his feet.
Oh, no. Boots.
Yeah. We call them boots because of that because he had white white

you know but this is the one of our kids the one i wanted to tell you was my cousin who has dogs loves dogs he's a really strong guy he's a pole vaulter and he always said well basically don't be afraid of a dog because all it is is a mouth that's it just a mouth so a dog a big dog came running at him and he was going out for a run he grabbed it and picked it up and threw it over a fence didn't hurt the dog so the dog is the next thing it knows it's on the other side of the fence just so remember don't be afraid just pick the dog up surprise it pick it up and throw it over a fence if you're strong yeah if you're strong do you know Dana when I'm on a plane I wonder, how long am I allowed to talk to somebody's

baby?

You know what I mean?

Before it gets weird.

Like I get about three questions.

I go, hi.

It's one.

And then I go, what's your name?

And they tell me.

And then I go, how old are you?

And then after that, I go, what's your snap?

Wait a minute.

Is that a baby that can talk? You're talking about a toddler then. No, I'm talking about like you just see, let's your snap? Wait a minute, is that a baby that can talk?

You're talking about a toddler then.

No, I'm talking about like you just see, let's say you see like a two-year-old.

Yeah, cute.

And you're like, so cute.

Aren't you cute?

That's how far you get.

You can't go, no, you're really cute.

You can't change your voice.

You have to keep it like this.

So cute. You can't go no you're really cute you can't change your voice you have to keep it like this so cute you can't go really cute good looking actually i know they even the baby or the toddler seems patronized you're like yeah you know you want some candy or they just look at you like they're like there's a creepy old man.
You're like, I'm three, not two.

Quit trying to talk.

Look at this ding in my nose.

Can you see that ding?

It's fine.

I can fix it.

Won't.

Mostly.

Won't.

Oh, you have a little nose issue?

Okay, we're going to talk about that next week.

Mostly you say to the parent, right?

Adorable, right?

Oh, adorable. Really a cute kid.
You got to keep it keep it light like aren't you a cutie you can't go aren't you a cutie they go okay well you know i have this little anxiety about flying but i am getting better okay but but maybe five years ago there's a baby behind me and we're going down and the baby's starting to cry and we're about to take off and it was kind of rough weather. So I'm feeling really anxious.
So the baby's screaming was an actual soundtrack of what was inside my head. So it's like, I have sound effects too.
I like that one. And I'm thinking the same thing.
People are going to shut that baby up and go, I'm just not screaming. But that's what's inside my head.
That's what it's like. You're not a great flyer, but you get through it.
Oh, still going. Thumbnail, thumbnail alert.
Whoops. All right.
Well, I think in hindsight, in summary, Dana, we did a good job. We gave them a high quality show.
I think it was good. It's just two friends talking.
Maybe it wasn't our funniest. It wasn't our darkest.
It wasn't our weirdest. No, it is our funniest.
This is episode. It might be our funniest.
It could have been our greatest podcast. We try not to judge, you know.
Steps at 1,000 and 100 million. Mm-hmm.
Yeah. Don't be mad.
All right, so we'll see everybody next week, I guess. Next week, we've got a doozy and or a humdinger plan.
Oh, my God. Heather's already here with us.
All right, I'm going to jump off, Dana, so just give me three steps.

Okay.

This has been a presentation of Odyssey

Superfly. It's executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade,

Jenna Weiss-Berman of Odyssey, Heather Santoro, and Greg Holtzman.

Hope you liked it.