SUPERFLY #68 - Romance, Fauxmance, or Showmance?

Speaker 1 Hey, David, when it comes to gifting, you know, I've learned there are two types of presents. Okay.

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Speaker 3 Give it up for Chicago.

Speaker 4 Sebastian Meniscalco's new stand-up special, It Ain't Right, is coming to Hulu on November 21st.

Speaker 3 30 years ago, Jeff Bezos, complete nerd, Bezos now, ripped to shreds on his super yacht, and the boxes keep

Speaker 3 coming.

Speaker 4 Sebastian Maniscalco, It Ain't Right, premieres November 21st, streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundle subscribers.

Speaker 3 Terms apply.

Speaker 3 This is Carrie Grant. Ifs, there's nothing wrong with this as if he was a gay man.

Speaker 5 Sure.

Speaker 3 I don't believe it. I do believe I'm sitting on your penis.

Speaker 5 Carrie Grant, as a gay, wasn't he gay?

Speaker 3 I'm not saying anyone's gay. I'm just saying if he was, it would sound like this.
My mom. I can't believe it.
I'm sitting on your penis. God, he really amped it up on that one.

Speaker 5 You know, my mom said, Carrie Grant, she said, when I heard he was gay, I knew it because I get nothing from him. She was, I loved him, but I was like, nothing.
That's so funny. My mom.

Speaker 3 I don't think he's gay. Okay.

Speaker 5 I think he was. Oh, you.
Let's go to the phones. No, let's go to the homophobic.

Speaker 3 YouTube comments.

Speaker 3 Homophobic.

Speaker 5 Is that a real sneeze? That was a good one.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I was.

Speaker 3 Look, I was a character actor. So this is two things that are visual about me right now.
So this is, I finally, these fucking shoes. Nothing against Hoka.
I'm going to try them.

Speaker 3 But the clown shoes with three inches of rubber, there's a point of diminishing returns. There's a point where you bounce all around.
So I've got these ones.

Speaker 3 So I'm walking down the hallway, going to the gig, and they're just walking, and I'm stumbling all over the place. I'll go, well, you know, he's getting a little long in a tube.
No, I'm not.

Speaker 3 I got fucked up,

Speaker 3 you know, Bozo shoes. So these are 10 years old.
Feel how firm the heel is.

Speaker 5 If you want to touch my heels, I like that firmness.

Speaker 3 So sickening. Yeah.
So I'll take your word for it next time.

Speaker 3 Oh, how sweet it is.

Speaker 5 Do you smell the firmness?

Speaker 3 Repugnance.

Speaker 3 I'm getting a contact high for my ghost tins. All right.
So my birthday is coming up. So my wife got me

Speaker 3 a present.

Speaker 3 Okay. Don't call it a man purse.
It's a man bag. So a merse? I've been resistant to one of these things because I felt like I would look like I'm a British postman.

Speaker 3 We've got a letter for you, sir, from the king, you know. So, and also just the effect all the way back on for

Speaker 3 this is not a joke, okay, for everybody here.

Speaker 3 This, I'm gonna, I'm gonna take out all my stuff. So, what I do is I have this lightweight puffy jacket and I have pockets, and that's that's my surrogate men purse.

Speaker 3 So, let's put this down for a second and see what I have legit on a regular basis. Remember when you laughed the other day? What's in Dana's coat when I came out like three different?

Speaker 3 Okay, we've got common glasses and a pin.

Speaker 3 We've got, of course, you know, the wallet, another pin. Let's go over here.

Speaker 5 We have money popping out of it. This,

Speaker 3 oh, this is a travel thing for that. Looks like a sex toy.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 3 The all-new orange rabbit. No, this is shampoo for getting through airline.

Speaker 5 Really?

Speaker 2 I'll give you a clue.

Speaker 3 It fits up my ass when I'm on the phone.

Speaker 3 Phone.

Speaker 5 Third glasses.

Speaker 3 More glasses.

Speaker 5 Fourth glasses.

Speaker 3 Fourth glasses. And then some post-its.
And I don't know why.

Speaker 3 So they were all in my jacket. Now let's see with now Remco's man purse.

Speaker 3 Santa might be come early for you this year yeah what makes the man so there we are let's see if it can get in here now if i put it in here very slowly i feel like i'm david blain yeah just watch just watch i'm gonna put it in here just watch just watch okay here's what i'm gonna do i'm gonna put this all in here i can make that shampoo disappear in my butthole think think of

Speaker 3 why butthole and time i've had carry grant doing his thing and you said butthole in the first four minutes so we do this we take off this jacket that's 12 years old.

Speaker 5 Oh, wait a second.

Speaker 3 Just so the people at home watching the demonstration just feel it.

Speaker 5 Okay, it's a real jacket, everyone.

Speaker 5 You've never met this jacket before.

Speaker 3 I like a uniform, and you're so now I'm putting on my super cool stolen jean jacket. Now I'm going to stand up, Evan, and you'll see a cool guy come in.

Speaker 3 Oh,

Speaker 7 what's up?

Speaker 3 Oh, shit.

Speaker 5 Heather gave the right reaction.

Speaker 3 Are you okay?

Speaker 5 Everybody cool here?

Speaker 3 What's going on? Am I all right?

Speaker 5 Anybody need to get knocked the fuck out?

Speaker 3 Anybody need anything? Anybody need anything?

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 5 Anybody need a couple pairs of glasses?

Speaker 3 There you go.

Speaker 3 And now you're not going to lose this. No way.
So, you know, that kind of thing. I like that.

Speaker 5 Do you? Yeah.

Speaker 5 I bet you could, honestly, I thought you were going to put your jacket into the puffy one because Bobby, we're on the road, he rolls his jacket up and he puts it in a little bag this big, his puffy jacket.

Speaker 5 It's great.

Speaker 3 I could do that.

Speaker 5 you could do it i thought that might be part of the magic i don't know so that's that's my

Speaker 3 now a word from fruit fresh or whatever sponsor do you have a story because i have topics um do you have a story let's go back and forth because it's you know oh yeah uh well uh

Speaker 5 welcome to superfly

Speaker 3 or whatever it's called superfly that name may be a sunset yeah we don't know yet we got news coming from we might sunset the name because we unintentionally i take the blame for it because I just said Superfly and everyone, they liked it and I didn't like it.

Speaker 5 It's a great idea,

Speaker 5 but

Speaker 5 we might have some news for you by next week. Also,

Speaker 3 what?

Speaker 5 I don't know. Do we say anything?

Speaker 3 I don't know what this is. Well, no, but basically the idea was whatever we do, we're doing it.
We're just being honest with the fans.

Speaker 3 Superfly and Flying the Wall were a little too confusing for people. I actually met one guy in Minneapolis at a corporate date who understood it.
Oh, yeah. Hey, Fly in the Walls.

Speaker 3 That's that's the interview one, mostly not on video and superflies, but even Rob Lowe went, Superfly.

Speaker 3 So

Speaker 3 we may do something with that, but we'll make announcements soon.

Speaker 5 Right. They might be beep, beep, merging.

Speaker 3 Every time,

Speaker 3 every time, because I was having an ice cold beer, I'm watching your special. And every time you did a sound effect, I could be doing it.

Speaker 3 And I had a lot of beer that night.

Speaker 5 I forgot. There's one where I just literally do the sound effects on purpose.

Speaker 3 No, they were great. I love the way you incorporate them.
You don't lean on them.

Speaker 5 You're not like my, you know, you know, where they help in real life is when I'm checking out at self-checkout. I just collect this.

Speaker 5 And then it's $100, but I only pay three.

Speaker 3 So you use it for criminal activity. Okay, I have a whole different way to think about it.
So anyway, I saw Dandelion.

Speaker 5 Oh, boy. By the way, I have an announcement.

Speaker 5 We did a poll on my Instagram.

Speaker 5 Who says dandelion and who says dandelion? I said, Dana says dandelion. And we went to the polls and the people have spoken.
And it's

Speaker 5 57% say

Speaker 5 dandelion.

Speaker 8 Can you believe it?

Speaker 6 Well, of course.

Speaker 3 You went to San Francisco State. I know how to pronounce words.

Speaker 5 You were right.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 5 But 43% were wrong.

Speaker 3 Well, that is a

Speaker 3 very

Speaker 3 poor talkular

Speaker 3 type of

Speaker 3 portocular. How do you pronounce it? What is it? Porticular? Some people say particular.
I say poor.

Speaker 3 I say portocular.

Speaker 5 You're getting everyone right, man. You're ahead of the game.

Speaker 8 Thank you.

Speaker 5 All right, let's go back to dandelions. So, Dana watched

Speaker 3 the special. I watched David's special.

Speaker 5 Talk about jury duty.

Speaker 3 Talk about a write-off.

Speaker 5 I watched it. It's all for work.

Speaker 3 Okay, go ahead. No, I saw the special.

Speaker 5 Oh, good. That's a good review.

Speaker 3 Don't you love that?

Speaker 3 I've had people come up to me in an airport. I saw your special.

Speaker 3 And then nothing else. That's it.

Speaker 8 And they get this.

Speaker 5 Hey, were you in grown-ups? I go, thank you. And they go, thank you what?

Speaker 3 I go, what'd you say?

Speaker 5 And they go, were you in grown-ups? I go, yeah.

Speaker 2 And they go, oh.

Speaker 5 And I go,

Speaker 5 I was good in it.

Speaker 3 And they're like, hey, you were on Saturday Night Live. Yeah, thank you.
I go, thanks, sister. Yeah.

Speaker 5 But nothing. Nothing.

Speaker 3 But look,

Speaker 3 here's the inside baseball is you can kind of flip the salmon right now

Speaker 5 if you're cooking. Everyone's cooking it.
Everyone's cooking or hiking in their car.

Speaker 3 Or making a love

Speaker 3 while they listen to this.

Speaker 5 Do they think they put this as background noise?

Speaker 3 There's a lot of sex going on with us in the background. This woman said, I don't know why.
It turns me and my husband on.

Speaker 3 Made that up. So anyway, a comedian, it's like a surgeon watching a surgeon.
You know, they're going to be, holy shit, you're doing surgery. So I'm just thinking, oh, he's got that.

Speaker 3 I can't get out of my head. I'm watching someone do, oh, that's a good bit.
Oh, he's tagging that. Oh, I got another water hit.
Okay. Now he's coming up.

Speaker 3 So I enjoyed it, but I can't watch it like a regular.

Speaker 5 I mean, I'm sickening that you watch it because to have someone I like watch it, someone that's funny, actually funny watch it, it just hit me

Speaker 5 horrified by it. But it is hard.
And I'm sure when I watch it, I go,

Speaker 5 I go, I'm hitting the water too much.

Speaker 3 I take a sip of the water. Well, they can cut that out.

Speaker 5 I was gonna cut it out, but I didn't because sometimes it looks too jumpy. But I left a few in so people know I do drink water and I don't want them to think I don't.
And then I had a set list.

Speaker 5 On the table, they'll laugh at this. I had a set list like I do because I want it to be like every other stand-up show.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 5 And then the director goes, or the guy goes, camera guy goes, hey man, I see your set list. It's white.
So they brought me blue paper in the back and go, write it on here.

Speaker 5 And I go, I've never had blue paper. I don't want anything different.
I wrote it with a magic marker and I couldn't really read it. Classic.
Don't change anything right before you go out.

Speaker 5 That was right before I went out. Wait a minute.

Speaker 3 So you wrote your set list and never tried it with a magic marker on blue paper. And then when you went out, you looked at it and go, holy shit, I can't read it.

Speaker 5 Right. Because I'm like, why am I doing this for the camera guy? I don't give a fat fuck if they see my set list on the stool.

Speaker 5 You go to a concert. It's fun.
You see the floor and you see the set list of a band, but I just went along with it to be a great guy because I have fucking great guy syndrome and it sucks sometimes.

Speaker 5 And then, but I have it on a monitor.

Speaker 5 I do have it on a monitor. And if I'm stuck, I can look up.

Speaker 3 I thought it was great. I mean, obviously you killed and the bits were really funny.
Thank you. And you were physical.
And I mean, I, you know, stand-up specials are,

Speaker 3 you know, what do you, I mean, the main, the main thing you want to do is have fun and be funny. So

Speaker 5 I did have that and I did have a good time. i've heard nice things but you know you never know what you're hearing but sometimes people on youtube and instagram are very uh

Speaker 3 direct they don't beat around the bush again have you ever met any human being who wrote a nasty thing online have you i know anyone besides evan and greg yeah my favorite biggest you suck controller

Speaker 3 i'm feeling better than i'm bringing you down shut up brian

Speaker 5 but people loved it no but i think think I heard nice things about it, and I'm glad you watched it. And we'll put it to bed after this.
But it was nice to get one out of the way.

Speaker 5 And then when I go on the road now, and people go, oh, you're going to Omaha. And a lot of people say, should I watch the special first or should I come see you on the road first?

Speaker 5 And that's a tough decision. I would say watch it.
And then there'll be some repeats because I like to keep some of the ones that really work in there. And then there'll be some new stuff.

Speaker 3 Well, I think great bits are

Speaker 3 better the second third fourth time

Speaker 3 if it's a great bit because then you're just you don't either

Speaker 3 be lee i saw him the other night and i'm like with my friend i go oh i want him to do this one i want to do this one and if they don't i go and if they hit it a little bit different or whatever it's always going to be a hair different but and some bits expand since you did them right and they're even more polished and you get the edges off and they're better well i used to do i mean this goes back since 1983 when i fell in love with the movie scarface like with every other comedian at the time so everyone had a scar Scarface bit.

Speaker 3 Mine was Scarface at Thanksgiving dinner, pasta suit potatoes, a good long bit, too.

Speaker 5 It's a good chunk.

Speaker 3 Pasta suit potatos, but it started out at two minutes to three. And now sometimes when I played the casino, it was packed and so much energy.
I think it was almost a 20 minutes.

Speaker 5 You can just keep milking it.

Speaker 3 Oh, yeah. What are you going to do? You want me to eat the corner of the cub, man? The corner of the cub? You got the corn in your teeth and the cub.
You know, they don't tell you about the cop, man.

Speaker 3 The cop is worse than the corn. Corn of the cup.
That's what you want me to eat, huh?

Speaker 3 What are you going to do? You want me to eat what you want me to eat? He said, Chris, Thanksgiving. You want me to eat a jello with a walnut inside?

Speaker 3 So the jello goes down the walnut and gets stuck in my

Speaker 3 esophagus.

Speaker 3 Oh, yeah. So I go, and then he goes crazy on the grandmother who he thinks ate all the sweet potatoes.

Speaker 3 I could do this all day. Grandma, grandma, look at you, man.
A birthday time, there was a bowl of catacorn. I go accept for a smoke.
I come back, no kind of corn, man. You ate all the catacorn.

Speaker 3 I told Believe, you like to eat, don't you, man? You like a eat, you like a eat, you like a eat. I see you with the women's sampler.
You stick your thumb in the back, you don't get the caramel.

Speaker 3 You don't get the caramel, you put it right back in a box

Speaker 3 because you don't check out a guide inside the women's sampling. You got a guide, corresponding guide tells you what a coconut is, the caramel is, you know, you don't dig in there like that.

Speaker 3 It's like a cut. So I'll go on and on and on.
So my point was...

Speaker 5 You don't need any other bits. That thing just must

Speaker 3 your point. Bits getting longer, extenuating.

Speaker 5 It's good because sometimes you do the, they're a little undercooked because you just thought them, you go, oh, I'll throw this on. And then you start to work it.

Speaker 5 I went out last night trying to, because I'm trying to do new stuff and try to work stuff. And it is fun.
When new bits work, it's great. And when they bump, it's so disheartening.

Speaker 3 There's nothing new. And if you have an old bit where you're adding stuff to it, then it's a new bit again.
I would just say this: in the modern era,

Speaker 3 if I was going to engage in this particular activity of the stand-up special, and let's just say I'm announcing it now. I wear, I solemnly swear, yeah, to do a special

Speaker 3 every month for the next 12 months. I will go to a comedy club

Speaker 3 with a little tiny crew, like these two numbskulls over here, these knuckleheads,

Speaker 3 and do maybe just two cameras, minimal light, and just do 10 or 12 minutes either crowd work or stuff I'm thinking of in the moment.

Speaker 5 Oh, and put it out like that?

Speaker 9 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Special every month. This idea that two years without David Spade, two years we have to not

Speaker 5 do it. They're suffocating.
They need it. And also, I shot it in fucking Rocktober.
So

Speaker 5 I'm not blaming Amazon because this is just sort of how it goes. Amazon's great.

Speaker 3 Right. You had the submarine one.
You had, what were the ones that were sort of your classic bits for the last two years?

Speaker 5 Oh, that I've had those but then some

Speaker 5 you know i don't want anything sitting on a shelf for eight months uh but you know hulu when they came to me they said we'll put it out in a year and a half i'm like a year and a half like

Speaker 5 and how do you know that you work with current events as we already do part like we do here like it's fun to think of something and sometimes uh there was something last night i can't remember but i was like this is good for a couple

Speaker 5 couple weeks couple months it's still funny but then at a certain point everyone's like that's dead just move on you know yeah, you can just, you can just assort it.

Speaker 3 Although the Menendez brothers, there are lots and lots of jokes in the 90s, then it became cornball, faded away, faded away. Now they're back.
Come back. So you never know.

Speaker 3 It's time to bring out your Menendez brothers.

Speaker 5 You know what's funny is that you brought this up that the other day on the news, they go, great news for the Menendez Brothers on Good Day LA. And I go, oh, what?

Speaker 3 They go.

Speaker 5 50 years with parole. I go, I love when that's good news in your life.

Speaker 3 Well, the thing is, they've done 35. So the guy said 50 now.
So 50 makes them eligible, you know, all right.

Speaker 5 I behave.

Speaker 3 I'm laughing, right? So they can get out now, you know.

Speaker 5 Yeah,

Speaker 5 time served. What's you okay? You missing one of yours.

Speaker 3 No, I don't need, I don't need notes. I'm going.

Speaker 3 These are random thoughts as we ping-pong around.

Speaker 5 Where's your baker's dozen glasses?

Speaker 3 I got a trim.

Speaker 5 But you're also wearing them, and then you've got four?

Speaker 3 I got a haircut, and I left some of my other glasses at Chris Rios's salon. Fucking shit.
That's why I was three minutes late.

Speaker 5 Dude, why are you burying that story?

Speaker 6 Here's

Speaker 3 why

Speaker 5 I went to Rite Aid.

Speaker 3 I felt I needed a little trim. I knew I said, okay, Superfly at

Speaker 3 10 a.m. That's on the unimportant list.
So let's go to Rite Aid. Let's pick up our meds, go get a little haircut.
Oil change. No,

Speaker 3 here's my thought.

Speaker 5 Yes.

Speaker 3 Don't

Speaker 3 ever deny in life. Always go yes.

Speaker 3 Here's an example. So Trump gets a $400 million plane from Qatar.

Speaker 3 He doesn't get up there and go, well, it's not really a gift. I mean, it's a thing.
They're giving it. It's not really a gift.
He just says, they're giving me a gift. It's a beautiful gift.

Speaker 3 If I don't take the gift, I'd have to be stupid. I'd be very stupid.
Look, and if you think about it, I'd be a stupid person not to take the gift.

Speaker 3 So a lot of people think it's unconstitutional, but how do you come back at someone and say, yeah, I did it. I got the plane.
What are you talking about?

Speaker 3 If Nixon in 19, going back, if Nixon had said, of course I told the boys to break into the Democratic National Police, I wanted to know what those commie bastards were up to.

Speaker 3 He never would have got impeached. Because you don't give him any air.
If Bill Clinton, if Bill Clinton had said, instead of I did not have sex with him, I had sex with that mama over and over.

Speaker 3 I mean, she was a hot, hot mama, and I had a lot of sex. There'd been no room to prosecute.
So Trump's genius, if you will, that'll go over half our audience, is never denying, just having fun.

Speaker 3 We're getting a beautiful plane. What do you think? I'm crazy.
Hey, you know, and Qatar is like, we give it to you for free. By the way, Qatar gives away a lot of 747s to a lot of countries.

Speaker 3 Oh, it's not a lot of fun. No strings attached.
What do you give you? We give you a $400 million plane. We don't expect anything in return.

Speaker 3 But if you wanted to give us something, we wouldn't turn it down yeah it's like a nickel to them that's a Qatarian accent I know he wouldn't

Speaker 5 uh I agree they they Trump acts like it's a slinky you know like they gave it to me it's a stocking stuffer but well yeah I have to say people it is a little itchy because you go what if they have what if Qatar says could we get a couple of your nuclear bombs or they just blow it up one day they got a kill switch in there or they or they have a find your phone on it you know or they or they stick a little guy in there they stick a little lean tiny man and Trump's going around the Air Force one you know for security purposes where the best card is

Speaker 3 down here what's your name my name is Kokosi I'm

Speaker 3 I'm hiding in planes so that later on I will sabotage with little scissors for wires got wires well you you're admitting to your crime you're admitting it you're not hiding it so I'm gonna hire you on the spot you got a job you're in charge of security

Speaker 3 who are you working for Hamas and Iram Sawby. God damn.
No, you're working for the U.S. of A.
I'll tell you that much. And I'll tell you again, and I know how to tell you.

Speaker 3 Look at it and think about it.

Speaker 3 Anyway, I don't know if I had anything else.

Speaker 5 Shit. That's it.
That's good.

Speaker 3 Oh, this was one. Okay.

Speaker 3 So the family's dressed up, P. Diddy's family, and they look beautiful.

Speaker 5 We're on a P. Diddy.
I love it.

Speaker 3 They look beautiful.

Speaker 3 And they're coming into the court and they're gorgeous clothes and they're coming in you know supporting pops and whatever he has watch this you know and then they have to hear the testimony do they ever kind of slink down in their chairs a little bit like these guys like geez i didn't know dad was

Speaker 5 i didn't know what uh i knew he was a record executive but it's it's a lot to that job i didn't know about also that the um cassie who's with her new husband and he's got to hear this stuff he's like i know you had that one problem in the elevator it feels like there was a little more going on.

Speaker 3 I mean,

Speaker 5 good God, to hear that every day like this.

Speaker 3 I know it's dark humor, but look, it's our job. But I would say this.
A lot of times when someone's caught red-handed, their defense attorney will announce this, and he did it with P. Diddy.

Speaker 3 Is he a nice guy?

Speaker 5 That's the best.

Speaker 3 No.

Speaker 3 Is he a nasty guy? Yeah. Can he be mean? Yes.
Does he have a temper? Yes. Will he kick women in an elevator? Yeah.
Yes. But did he commit a crime? Right.
I don't think so.

Speaker 5 Does he like to rub jizz on himself? Possibly. Is that make him a bad guy? Yes.
But. Should he go to jail? No.

Speaker 3 Like, come on.

Speaker 5 He's a jerk.

Speaker 3 He's a monster. He's a horrible person.
Should he spend a night in county jail? Absolutely not. Oh, do you want to go cheese?

Speaker 5 I wouldn't.

Speaker 3 And then beat some with a racquetball.

Speaker 3 Is that rude? Is it aggressive?

Speaker 8 Yes.

Speaker 5 Does he like his girlfriend getting ramroded?

Speaker 3 Should he go to prison? No,

Speaker 5 that's what he likes to do in his spare time. He's a record executive.

Speaker 5 You don't understand that business.

Speaker 3 Does he use household items and tools to do different things to different people?

Speaker 5 Does he use a spatula a different way than you would?

Speaker 3 Yes. We use sponges for different activities.
Just because he's adapting obvious household items for sexual purposes does not mean that my client deserves to go to prison.

Speaker 5 Does he give sex workers jobs? Yes. He's helping the economy.

Speaker 5 What about this? Here's, by the way, Cassie's.

Speaker 3 Nothing further, Your Honor. Can we riff on this bit longer? Yes.
Does it make us boring? No.

Speaker 3 It's just us going on and on.

Speaker 5 Cassie, it helps her, I think, to be pregnant because

Speaker 5 it is a little more sympathy. But you know, the babies like this.

Speaker 5 This is the first time hearing it.

Speaker 3 Look, the babies doesn't. Oh, the the babies

Speaker 5 inside listening like this.

Speaker 5 Wait, what happened? Wait, can you back that up? Can you read that one back? Wait.

Speaker 3 This mom, the one I,

Speaker 3 okay.

Speaker 5 Yeah, because, yeah, I'll stop there. That's fine.

Speaker 3 It was a little, it was a dark territory to go into.

Speaker 5 It's a, it's, but it's a terrible

Speaker 3 mostly just the idea of the defense of someone. with that thing.
And they did it with OJ too.

Speaker 5 What is the actual, like OJ's was straight up murder. What is the actual thing? Is it sex trafficking? What do they really want to get?

Speaker 3 Well, there's a word that I kind of had to look up, and I want to ask the people if they really know what it means. Is it damn?

Speaker 2 Racketeering. Oh, racketeering.

Speaker 3 Rico. Racketeer.
Rico. Rico.

Speaker 3 Racketeering. That means unlawful activities to procure money.
Basically a gangster threatening people.

Speaker 5 Uh-oh, that screen just went lit up. All right, what are we going to show here?

Speaker 3 Oh, you want something?

Speaker 5 No, I don't know. I just saw Google.

Speaker 3 I don't know how. We're only supposed to do 30 minutes now.
What's better?

Speaker 5 Oh, look at this. Here, I want to talk about this.

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Speaker 9 Hey, everybody, it's me, Bill Maher. If you're not watching or at least listening to Club Random, you're really missing something good and something unique.

Speaker 9 Because I don't think we look or sound like any other podcast. And that's by design.

Speaker 9 My life's quest has been to do some kind of show that captured the level of intimacy and the lack of artifice you would see if you saw me off camera talking to a friend.

Speaker 9 No one else in the room, plenty of pot and booze, and nothing planned. This is a show where I get high talking to someone I'm interested in to get to know and to laugh with.
It's not an interview.

Speaker 9 It's wild. And I'm having a ball and the guests are having a ball and you will too.

Speaker 9 So please follow Club Random with Bill Maher and see new episodes every Monday on Apple, Spotify, YouTube, or wherever you get your podcasts.

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Speaker 5 So, this is Mission Possible, which Tom Cruise and Anna DiArmis, I don't think she's in the movie.

Speaker 3 There's a room. I forgot to button her blouse.
I'm sorry. Is that a fashion statement? Can you see it now?

Speaker 5 She's horribly embarrassed.

Speaker 3 I I mean, is that

Speaker 3 it just looks like a blouse that wasn't buttoned?

Speaker 5 Oh, that's what's supposed to be.

Speaker 2 Tom Cruise a stunner, by the way.

Speaker 5 She has on a little white bra.

Speaker 3 Brawl it.

Speaker 3 Well, you don't see it, but there was a video of this, and he's kind of singing like, like the blouse unbutton, like, like the blouse unbutton.

Speaker 3 That one again. Yeah, Tom Cruise was singing like that.

Speaker 3 The blouse unbutton. Tom Cruise always looks cool.
Take it off. Take it off.
Take it off.

Speaker 3 Strip it down. Strip

Speaker 3 So he's got just the panties in a bra.

Speaker 5 Like the go ahead. This is coming out next week.
I bought tickets.

Speaker 5 One, two things about this. One

Speaker 5 running time, roughly three hours. I'll tell you when I see most of it.

Speaker 5 I can't wait to go see most of this movie because I do not think I can last with the THX. And then they have an ad for Dolby Sound.
Guys, I'm not a director. Who is this ad going to? Guys,

Speaker 5 I see it's an ad for Coke. I'll buy Coke.
Dolby sound. I'm like, is it my choice?

Speaker 5 Don't make an ad. You're wasting your time.
I can't pick the sound of the movie. So that, and then you got Nicole Kidman still clunking in in her heels and sitting and watching.
I'm like, skip it all.

Speaker 5 Let's get to the goddang three-hour movie.

Speaker 3 Nicole Kidman announced today that she's not going to do another movie next week.

Speaker 5 She's waiting the week after?

Speaker 3 Yeah, she goes every week. I'll say this.
There was a point where sound got scary.

Speaker 3 I don't know if it was THX or Dolby, but if if I was in those really tight stadium theaters with speakers all around, it would kind of

Speaker 3 am I blowing an eardrum to see this fucking movie? But

Speaker 3 my relationship with Mr. Tom Cruise, I met him.

Speaker 3 A little bit taller. Whoops.
You were?

Speaker 2 You're not short.

Speaker 3 I'm such a huge fan of Tom Cruise. As times have gone on, I mean, he's done such great stuff.
I read for Risky Business, even though I'm old scheme.

Speaker 3 That's one of his big ones. And then you look at Tom Cruise being Tom Cruise and his commitment.
And then in these last 10 years, he's literally willing to kill himself to entertain it.

Speaker 3 Held his breath for 14 minutes, hanging off planes.

Speaker 3 I just got to go see it because, you know, he's condo himself where he could be dead, David.

Speaker 5 Yeah, he's turning into like David Blaine in these movies.

Speaker 3 Yeah, more than that.

Speaker 5 Like I'll jump off a 75-foot cliff.

Speaker 3 Okay, this is what I'm going to do. Okay, look, look, look.
You see your card? Look at it. Look at it.
Now put it back anywhere in here. Okay, now, now go walk down there to that 7-Eleven.

Speaker 3 There's a box of cookies, Oreo cookies. Go look in there and your card will be in there and sign.
Yeah, I love that guy.

Speaker 3 But I don't blame him.

Speaker 5 He has a romance with this girl. And we don't know if it's a faux or maybe even a show mance

Speaker 5 because

Speaker 5 it seems to percolate around the time movies come out. I have a girlfriend now and you got to check it out.
And it just generates attention to the movie because they say, Tom has a girlfriend.

Speaker 5 You know, Tom's movie's coming out next week. And they bring, so it's,

Speaker 5 if it's staged, it's fine because she's a gorgeous girl he should be dating. If he's dating her, it's all fine.
But it always happens around a movie.

Speaker 3 Around the movie premiere. Yeah, like you don't want to be cynical about it, but she was

Speaker 3 she was with Ben Affleck and there was a call. And I don't know if it was AI-generated, okay? But Affleck called Tom Cruise.
And yeah, I got her for about six more weeks. Yeah, we're trending good.

Speaker 3 Movie's gonna open maybe counting too. Yeah, when do you want her? All right, so a month before Mission Impossible release.
Okay, I'll tell Anna. She's good to go.
She's good with this.

Speaker 5 When does tracking come on? Three weeks before?

Speaker 3 Okay, that's the latest. Her fee to be your girlfriend before the movie, it's about $300,000 a week.
Good with that? Okay, Scientologists. I'm kidding, Tom.

Speaker 5 Yeah, there's rumors, you know, of agencies out here setting people together to help both their careers.

Speaker 3 They did it in the 1950s, they put Marilyn Monroe with Tony Curtis.

Speaker 5 It's just part of the business.

Speaker 3 But if they end up married and making a baby, I'm happy for them.

Speaker 5 Ultimately, when all the death settles, I'm happy for them. Okay, what's next? Big story.
What's a big story out there? Probably nothing.

Speaker 5 Click the button, push the button, and then the story.

Speaker 3 Okay, wait, don't click it yet.

Speaker 5 Let's see what it is.

Speaker 5 Can you read that, Dana?

Speaker 3 Over, well, with that little triangle over the lettering.

Speaker 5 19-year-olds. Oh, over.

Speaker 7 Over 50% of Tommy John's surgeries are not.

Speaker 5 Oh, over 50% of Tommy John's surgeries are on 15 and 19-year-olds. Wow.
That's the, for those at home, it usually happens to pitchers in baseball.

Speaker 5 They throw so hard, but they're teaching kids to throw so hard to get them in the college.

Speaker 5 It usually happened in the pros after a long time. This is really sad.
You rip out, you know, ligaments in your arm and you have to get this rough surgery. It takes about a year to heal, right?

Speaker 3 Well, yeah, it is, and it could be a career.

Speaker 5 Is it always the same? Yeah, you don't know.

Speaker 3 They're taking ligaments and things and reconstructing it. You know, I see helicopter parents.
I see parents living through their kids like some frustrated dad who never was a starting pitcher.

Speaker 3 You will throw hard when I tell you to throw hard. Yes, sir.
Yes.

Speaker 5 Sir, yes, sir. You're not going to get into college with

Speaker 3 81. That should not be happening.

Speaker 5 Right, but there is stakes are high. And now you get that NIL money.
You could just make a tidy living going to college now. You know, you get a couple million for four years of college.

Speaker 3 Mm-hmm. Like the gymnast,

Speaker 3 you lose money by, yeah, NIH. Do you own your image and likeness, David? Do you have an NIL, right?

Speaker 5 No, I have a mirror.

Speaker 3 Do we own our image and like this, Craig?

Speaker 5 I don't think we do.

Speaker 3 Do we own it in the world? Could I monetize this?

Speaker 5 Would you sell your image and likeness for $1,000

Speaker 5 to AI?

Speaker 3 What would I net?

Speaker 5 $300? $1,000 in cash. $1,000 in Trump Bitcoins.

Speaker 3 Hey, man.

Speaker 5 We better do a lot of coins. Okay.

Speaker 5 Can you think? I used to play baseball. So that story really hit home with me.

Speaker 5 I used to be able to throw all the way from catcher

Speaker 5 to almost a second base.

Speaker 3 Tracking and field, 427 mile at age 17.

Speaker 5 Boot! Why'd you say 427?

Speaker 3 Good job. Oh, yeah.
Sorry.

Speaker 5 People always say you're a good job.

Speaker 3 Excuse me. No, that wasn't that good.
There were kids breaking four minutes

Speaker 3 at senior and high school.

Speaker 5 Okay, we'll read this one. Let's see.

Speaker 7 Multi-million-dollar life insurance policy unpaid because COVID vaccines experimental.

Speaker 5 Oh, this is interesting. Play this one.

Speaker 7 France, there was an elderly wealthy

Speaker 3 man who

Speaker 7 to face life insurance for millions of dollars. He got the COVID vaccine and he died.
So the life insurance company is not paying out

Speaker 7 because they decided that the COVID vaccine is a medical experiment and death from a medical experiment is not a covered entity.

Speaker 3 Furthermore,

Speaker 7 even the judge.

Speaker 7 says

Speaker 7 that the side effects from the vaccine are well known. They've been made public.
There's absolutely no way that this gentleman could not have known the side effects.

Speaker 7 He willingly chose to get the vaccine and he died as a result.

Speaker 1 Is she a puppet on his lap or something? It's an odd shot.

Speaker 5 Oh, did you hear that?

Speaker 3 And suicides, along with death experiments.

Speaker 5 They said it's a suicide because he knew the risks

Speaker 3 of taking shots. Well, how many die straight up? I know there's side effects with people, heart stuff and all that, but how many people just die straight up taking the shot?

Speaker 5 I've never heard of a scenario where someone had a life insurance policy and then they got the shot, then they died, and they go, you knew what you're getting into. So it's

Speaker 5 to call it suicide is a little nuts, I think.

Speaker 3 What page of the contract was medical experiments are exempted from this policy?

Speaker 5 I I mean, read the policy.

Speaker 3 You kind of go, medical experiments.

Speaker 5 I know all insurance tries to wiggle out of pretty much everything, but

Speaker 5 that one sort of threw me off. And what it is, is this is a story, and then there's a woman

Speaker 5 doing it on her story, and she just reacting to it. So that's why there's two people.

Speaker 3 I've had experiences with insurance companies, good and bad. I want to demonize the whole industry.
No.

Speaker 3 But generally speaking, it's a nasty, necessary business that you have to pay these premiums for the what if, what if, what if. Sure.
And then it's a wrestling match

Speaker 3 to get

Speaker 3 paid. But

Speaker 3 I haven't, you know, I've had one bad experience with that. But and it was about, you know, when I sued you.

Speaker 1 Right. Yeah.

Speaker 8 Remember that? Because I stepped on your toe.

Speaker 5 Because you couldn't get on my driveway.

Speaker 3 Well, I'm indemnified. I mean, I have so much injury insurance for trying to make it down into this labyrinth cave and all the stairs.

Speaker 5 Do you think, do you have insurance for when you pull muscles from carrying the show?

Speaker 3 Who says I carry the show?

Speaker 5 I just did. Whoops.

Speaker 3 No, you, we sometimes you're a little sleepy. You've been coming off the road, you know, your red eye and you've got a little blood sugar and a bad back.
And that's when I carry the show.

Speaker 3 I go by this.

Speaker 5 If Dana's on Fuego, let's sit back and watch because it's great.

Speaker 3 What's Fuego? Fire.

Speaker 3 Hey, man. He's on fire.

Speaker 5 He came in on.

Speaker 3 I was SIL when I came here today.

Speaker 5 What's that mean?

Speaker 3 Sorry, I'm late.

Speaker 5 I was really SIL.

Speaker 3 I was SIL.

Speaker 3 This will be launched. By the end of this week, it'll be trending on Daily Mail.
Oh, man. Oh, SIL.

Speaker 5 Harvey announced he's SIL.

Speaker 5 Well, I'm never. Oh, I know what this is.

Speaker 3 Can we show this? Yeah.

Speaker 5 We can, right?

Speaker 3 We'll see what happens. They'll let us show it.
Can I just set it up for a second?

Speaker 3 Oh, sorry, Dave.

Speaker 3 Yeah, this is on SNL. I forgot about this.
Someone sent it to me, but Michael J. Fox is the host.
Kevin Nealon is playing

Speaker 3 Doc.

Speaker 3 And then I did a kind of a

Speaker 3 two hyperactive Michael J. Fox.
And I played him to him. So I think it's good to know what's going on.

Speaker 3 Michael, we came to stop you, man.

Speaker 3 Who the hell are you? I'm you. I'm Michael J.

Speaker 7 Fox. I just came from 90 Minutes in the Future.
The show's a complete dead.

Speaker 5 Spunny.

Speaker 2 What do you mean? What do you mean? What do you mean?

Speaker 7 It's going to be a great show. Michael, can't you hear that last joke, man? It bombed.

Speaker 7 All right, okay, all right. How about my next joke? Oh, that bomb's tomorrow.

Speaker 3 He's pretty good, isn't it? Yeah, he's good. Okay, okay, here we go.

Speaker 7 Okay, I'm also excited because tomorrow is St. Patrick's Day.
And maybe instead of saying Tapa de Morning to you, I could say something like, Tapa de even to you. that's the best joke you got

Speaker 5 oh i mean it wasn't even a joke

Speaker 5 where are we going we gotta go back all right we gotta go back and stop you before you host the show

Speaker 3 that's a good premise then we go back in time where did you go after that I think we went back in time and he starts the monologue again. Oh, that's funny.

Speaker 3 That I had forgotten about, which is kind of eerie. I remember Michael J.
Fox on the show and I remember doing all these different things. I forgot about this monologue.

Speaker 5 He did a good one where they did the child stars robbing people back then.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 5 I think Smigo wrote it.

Speaker 3 That was funny.

Speaker 5 Who did you play in that? Do you remember? Were you David Cassidy or something?

Speaker 3 I think I was David Cassidy. Yeah.
I was either David Cassidy.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 5 He was Danny Bonaducci, I think.

Speaker 3 That's what we call now our new Blast from the Past segment. Yeah.
Where we show you things

Speaker 5 ago. Saturday Night Live will like sue us and block it from YouTube.
Okay, what is this next one? This is uh

Speaker 5 this is bad.

Speaker 5 I don't even know what it's a mixture of fun stories and heavy stories.

Speaker 3 This is bad. That's not a true

Speaker 3 thing.

Speaker 3 Oh,

Speaker 5 you're always talking about bees.

Speaker 3 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 3 Oh, I liked your beekeeper.

Speaker 5 Bees are dropping.

Speaker 3 I call them that.

Speaker 3 These horny insects. Bees are croaking.
They're pollinating more than a third of

Speaker 3 the

Speaker 3 sex looks like in the U.S. beekeeping industry.

Speaker 7 Each of these hives can hold as many as 80,000 bees. But for reasons no one's going to be able to do it.

Speaker 5 It's a pretty good holder.

Speaker 5 A lot of bee loss out there.

Speaker 5 We need bees, Dana.

Speaker 3 dana's desert creek honey i know remember jerry and i'll tell you

Speaker 5 story you know it's funny because bees it's not funny but when i heard the noise of the machines i thought it was bees inside there and i was like get out of there dude but yeah they're

Speaker 5 the bees are the backbone or whatever they say but i said i always say of our ecosystem right they really are bro so if i keep hearing this that bees are dropping like flies

Speaker 5 and

Speaker 5 they uh we need them not just for honey, you would think that because you're not like thinking strongly. I'm not thinking, you're very surfacey.

Speaker 3 I'm just trying to think when I'll drop a Trump next in the podcast.

Speaker 5 How do you work Trump into the bees? I'll work the beekeeper.

Speaker 3 A lot of bees, you know, they make honeycomb.

Speaker 3 They love honeycomb. I love humming honeycomb.
And they made a cereal. It's great.
It's done by Post. I think they made honeycomb cereal.
Very popular. You know what?

Speaker 5 The only thing better than bees honey is Trump's new honey.

Speaker 5 He makes honey now.

Speaker 3 Trump's new honey.

Speaker 5 We make honey, we make Bitcoins, we make it all.

Speaker 5 He's in every business now.

Speaker 3 I'll do Biden too, if you want.

Speaker 3 Biden never should have said, he never should have denied. He just should have come out there and go, he should have said it, you know, a year or two.
I'm out of my mind.

Speaker 3 I can't put two words together. I can still do a job.

Speaker 5 I got my son Hunter a job in Barrusma.

Speaker 3 He doesn't know anything about it.

Speaker 3 That's what a dad does. Come on.
I'm completely out of my mind. He would have got re-elected just by not pushing back.

Speaker 5 Right. Just roll with it.

Speaker 8 Yeah.

Speaker 3 And the people up front should have said, no, he's impacted ice. We're giving him oxygen and a B12 shot before we stick him out here.

Speaker 5 They said, you didn't know who George Clooney was. He goes, well, come on.
No one's seen him since ER.

Speaker 3 And they go, that's why they listen to George Clooney.

Speaker 6 He's on the ER show.

Speaker 3 Come on. Before that, he was on Facts Alive.
Everybody knows that. Come on, it's not rocket sign.
Facts alive. Facts alive is George Clooney.
As the president, I'm as clear as the bells of this bad.

Speaker 3 No, I'm out of my mind. I can't put two words.
If he'd said that, he'd be president.

Speaker 5 It would be funnier, definitely.

Speaker 5 Okay, so in summary, I'm the beekeeper.

Speaker 5 So do what you're saying. Oh, yeah, you said the beekeeper.

Speaker 3 Which bit in your special, and from your feedback, either online or with friends, was the one that landed, was it the porn on the airlines?

Speaker 5 No, the porn is

Speaker 5 always as well.

Speaker 3 The beekeepers.

Speaker 5 Beekeeper, they're surprised I did Jason State them sounding like, I'm the beekeeper.

Speaker 6 I keep the bees.

Speaker 3 And if I state them, it's actually really

Speaker 3 you've got a good tone in there because they don't see it coming.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I see, I like that because it's, it's just, why does everything have to be exactly current? Everyone knows Jason Stratham. It's really about him as a movie.

Speaker 5 It's about being on movies and what who he is. And on an airplane, and you're trying to find a movie, and they're all lame.
And then it says, new arrivals.

Speaker 5 And I go, I don't think you can call Fern Gully a new arrival anymore, but thank you. And then I I say, so I watch the beekeeper.
Anyway, it's a long bid. It's well worth it.

Speaker 5 It's at 1410 in the special.

Speaker 3 But I, I, you know, time code. When you think about action stars and stuff, and you're just a pure action star like Jason Stratham, there's something just fun and funny.

Speaker 5 It's funny how tough he is.

Speaker 6 Yeah. Do you like to dance? Cause I like to dance.

Speaker 5 At the first minute of any movie with him, I go, don't befriend him because he's a beekeeper with the bees living on a farm away from the FBI with a nice family.

Speaker 5 I'm like, well, they're getting gunned down soon. And lo and behold.

Speaker 3 Lo and behold.

Speaker 5 Yeah, they got shot.

Speaker 3 Okay, pop quiz for everyone in the room.

Speaker 3 Action movie. Somewhat of an older guy, but not old, old.
Greatest speech in an action movie over the last 20 years from the kick-ass guy.

Speaker 5 Dirty Harry movie?

Speaker 3 Liam Newsome Taken.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 3 I have skittles I've acquired to make me a nightmare for our personal skill.

Speaker 3 I thought that speech, when that speech came out in that movie, Taken, and then everybody tried to make action movies, but no one had a speech like that.

Speaker 5 He's so good at it.

Speaker 3 Because they take his daughter and he's, this is the thing that I love a movie. He's not only not afraid,

Speaker 3 he just can't wait to heal.

Speaker 3 There's no sense that he's not,

Speaker 6 I have skills I've acquired to make me a nightmare.

Speaker 3 I will find you.

Speaker 6 I'll hunt you down.

Speaker 3 And I'll kill you later. It's so matter of fact, where were you, if someone kidnapped someone you love, what would you say on the phone? You start crying.

Speaker 3 How would that sound?

Speaker 5 No, I like when the guy goes, good luck. And then he keeps playing it.

Speaker 5 Good luck. And then he goes, some guy goes, taxi.
And he goes, that's the good luck voice. I go, that was a tough jump.

Speaker 3 Where in no country for old men.

Speaker 5 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 6 James Brolin.

Speaker 3 Josh Brolin is on the phone and he's being threatened by Javier Bardan.

Speaker 3 And he goes, he says, you won't have to find me. I'm going to make you my special project and hung up the phone it's it's cathartic because

Speaker 5 they're so sure of themselves he didn't make it in the movie that's a whole other story oh breaking bad when he tells the wife she goes aren't you worried about danger and he goes I am the danger remember that yes and that's the line is in the movie

Speaker 3 yeah I'm not I don't I'm not going to worry about what they're going to do to me they're going to worry about what I'm going to do to them that's another one that's yeah and that's you know that's what I think about before I go out in front of an audience doing stand-up.

Speaker 6 I don't worry about their response. I worry about what I'm going to do to them.

Speaker 5 That's my real yesterday. Danny called me.
He goes, I think I'm going to walk over to Koi.

Speaker 3 I go, good luck.

Speaker 5 He goes, what does that mean?

Speaker 3 I go, good luck.

Speaker 3 Okay.

Speaker 3 I have an army of 200 people surrounding your house.

Speaker 6 Good luck.

Speaker 8 You make daddy happy.

Speaker 3 Well, there's actually 3,000 with grenade launchers. NAC jets are on their way.

Speaker 8 Good luck. You made daddy even more happy.

Speaker 3 How do I make you unhappy?

Speaker 5 And your waiter, there, you go, I'd like the quinoa crab cakes and some sushi. And the waiter goes, good luck.
And you go,

Speaker 5 good luck getting my order?

Speaker 5 And everyone just says, good luck now.

Speaker 3 You triggered me now. I was doing Scarface and Master of Disguise, and the guy's coming around with hors d'oeuvres.
And he goes,

Speaker 3 crab cakes? And I said, what's your attitude? attitude they should be called crabby cakes

Speaker 3 it's such a bad joke that I love it no I'll take it

Speaker 3 and now you're supposed to get mad hey don't don't say that about my crab cake they're not crabby cakes I'll be saying that next time I order crab cakes

Speaker 2 you know when it gets colder I always fall in the same trap heavy meals too much takeout and suddenly I'm like why do my jeans hate me I know, yeah, me too.

Speaker 1 I mean, I'll open the fridge in December and it's like half a pizza and an orange from 1997. Not a lot of healthy options, David.
But here's the thing: staying on track doesn't have to be impossible.

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Speaker 2 Yeah, it's not just about eating better. It's about time.
I'd rather spend 30 minutes working on a bit for my hilarious act than 30 minutes staring into my oven going,

Speaker 2 is this thing even on?

Speaker 1 Right?

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Your future self will thank you.

Speaker 1 Yes. Thank you for not feeding me the leftover lasagna for the 12th time.

Speaker 2 All right. Cold mornings.
Holiday plans, endless to-do lists.

Speaker 2 I just want my wardrobe to be simple, Dana. I I just want pieces that look sharp, feel amazing.
Makes sense. And I'll use every day.
You know what I mean? That's Quince. That's it.
The best part.

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And Quince isn't just clothes. They've got amazing options for home, bath, kitchen, and travel.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. I picked up a few for myself and a few to gift, and it's all stuff people actually love.

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Speaker 3 What is this? This is the book of David Bates Quips that we have here on the podcast. Go ahead.

Speaker 3 If someone's threatening someone, the person who's very brave always says, good luck. Page 382.
Is it in there? David Spade, yeah, on this date.

Speaker 6 Good luck.

Speaker 3 They already know,

Speaker 3 right? My joke was ruined. If we had a book of David Spade, every bit you've ever done, that's a good idea.
You know what? We'll have AI going to make that.

Speaker 3 I can refer.

Speaker 5 Listen to my recorder rewinding.

Speaker 2 This is a good one.

Speaker 5 I am the people. Listen, ready?

Speaker 5 Good luck.

Speaker 3 Good luck.

Speaker 3 Because it's on a table.

Speaker 5 He keeps playing it, remember? You hear it?

Speaker 3 I didn't see the beat.

Speaker 5 He rewinds it. No, that's the fucking Lee.
I'm doing Liam McCarthy.

Speaker 5 Good luck. My impressions are so bad, you don't even know what movie I'm doing.

Speaker 3 We need a little bit of an Irish toe.

Speaker 6 I have skills. Well, no,

Speaker 3 that's the guy.

Speaker 5 And all the bad guys in movies,

Speaker 5 because everyone's scared of being racist, is that's why superhero movies, the bad guys are made-up monsters.

Speaker 5 In space movies, they're aliens, so that's the safest way to go. Right.
If you say any country, any ethnicity, then everyone goes, but taken they were, where were they from?

Speaker 5 Like Kazakhstan?

Speaker 3 You know, it's an indiscript middle kind of thing you can do Russian, this and that. This is, I'll just make an observation if I can.

Speaker 3 As a kid, I realized at one point that the bad guys were always incredibly happy, and the good guys were tortured. Oh, Mr.
Bond,

Speaker 3 when this bomb explodes, you'll explode.

Speaker 3 Be a bad guy.

Speaker 5 That's the happy guy. That is, remember when Goldfinger goes, there's sharks down there, and he's about to drop Bond in.
He goes, Don't worry, Mr. Bond.
They only eat secret agents.

Speaker 3 And he laughs. Oh, yeah.
And the other one, he goes, The laser's going to come up to his balls. Oh, his ball sack, yeah.
Goldfinger, what do you want me to do? What do I do? What do you want me to do?

Speaker 3 And he goes, I want you to die, Mr. Boss.
Sounds like Lovitz. Sounds like Lovitz.
I want you to die.

Speaker 3 But anyway, there is something about people, narcissists, sort of proactive narcissists that are just sort of happy. They just insult people and they're rude and aggressive.

Speaker 3 And then the people pleaser in the empaths are like, I'm sorry, I hurt your feeling. That's a scratch.
That sounds like a little sketch I did.

Speaker 5 Now, there's a skim store near me now, and I can't stand it, but

Speaker 5 Kim Kardashian wrapped her Lamborghini in Skim's underpants.

Speaker 5 Why is this a story?

Speaker 3 Was that just a picture? When Kim.

Speaker 5 Here's the back that would be like the back of the underpants. Here's my underpants.

Speaker 3 I was posing like that this morning. Does that hurt your back?

Speaker 5 Was it.

Speaker 5 Oh, she looks cute. I mean, it is a Lamborghini and it is her.
She's cute. Is that how you drive with your feet up?

Speaker 5 Okay, well, Skims, I don't know what it is, underpants.

Speaker 3 Skims is basically, it was called Spanks. So they took, they stole the idea of Spanks, which is just kind of a lightweight Unitar that would bring your tummy.
And I have men's Spanks.

Speaker 5 I'm wearing a Spanks bodysuit right now.

Speaker 3 And then they cleverly renamed it and kind of took that product and made it their own. And now they're billionaires.
Yep.

Speaker 5 She's doing just fine. Okay, we'll do another one.

Speaker 3 Oh, we can wrap it up soon, by the way.

Speaker 5 How long have we gone? We've done almost an hour. Fuck.

Speaker 5 Why is that good or bad? Oh, this guy's talented. Let's get this guy an AGT.

Speaker 3 Let's make this a two-parter.

Speaker 5 This is when you go.

Speaker 3 Oh, we could do that project.

Speaker 5 That's what we do. Oh, that's a great idea.
Just keep going.

Speaker 6 And just get five of them and then have

Speaker 3 a magic edit man make episodes out of them. Greg, go will call us up.
Hey, I just need you guys to do some intros.

Speaker 3 It wasn't you. So I don't have a Greg yet.

Speaker 5 When was the last time you dressed like Garth?

Speaker 3 Last night.

Speaker 5 Last night?

Speaker 3 For the wife? No.

Speaker 3 I'm doing a private event

Speaker 3 on the weekend, and they asked me if I will dress up as Garth and come out to Bohemian Rhapsody.

Speaker 3 So it's for a good cause. I love it.
So I said, I'll do it, but I want to be able to, one, don't make the Garth clothes too tight because all this stuff is always very loose.

Speaker 6 You should rip it off.

Speaker 3 Two is, and I don't know if they understand this. I want a wig where it just fits on.
and the bangs cover it. Otherwise, you have to do lace and gluing and pinning.

Speaker 3 So I said, as long as I can become Garth in two minutes, go out and go like this, and then they have an attraction guy and sort of an ice bath after that. And then I do stand-up later.

Speaker 3 So I'm gonna flip your head around.

Speaker 3 Well, I'm gonna be very careful, David, at this point in my existence. It hurt me then

Speaker 3 when I did Garth in the car.

Speaker 3 Maybe if I made it to the 50th, they wanted us to do Garth.

Speaker 5 Yeah, yeah, you didn't do that. Shaw,

Speaker 3 huh?

Speaker 3 As if,

Speaker 3 well,

Speaker 3 Garth is my age. Everyone relax.

Speaker 5 Any corporate gigs, it's funny. They go, you're going to bring you over here.
You're going to host the auction. You're going to try to raise some money for this charity.

Speaker 5 I'm like, check, come over here, do your act. Come over here.
We got some bumper cars. And we throw pies at you.
And then my niece is going to shove an ice cream cone in your face.

Speaker 3 I'm like, okay, sounds good.

Speaker 5 I have all that. Do you have my Slim Jims and Triscuits backstage? Like, yep.

Speaker 3 All good. I get into the area where I'm going to work at four and I get out of that area at 10.30.
And I'm going here for I'm doing tech checks, this, I'm off the half hour.

Speaker 3 Oh, yeah, no, yeah, no, and then at the end of the night, seven hours after they have 4,000 drinks, it's now, and now the comedy styling is, can you do 45 now?

Speaker 5 It's a six-hour show. The best is if you're a surprise, you know, you ever been to these corporate gigs? It's like an eight-hour,

Speaker 5 you know, they're showing graphs and charts. And then they go, all right, guys, go have fun.
They go, we have a special guest.

Speaker 3 I'm going,

Speaker 5 are we out of here yet? And they go, David Spade, you know him from Emperor's New Groove and Benchformers. And they go, wait, how long is this guy going? And I'm like, this.

Speaker 3 And everyone goes, what's happening?

Speaker 5 And the CEO is like,

Speaker 6 don't be rude.

Speaker 5 But they tack you on at the end sometimes.

Speaker 3 Well, they don't want any political humor, but my stuff's not really political. So that wipes out a lot of my

Speaker 5 impressions.

Speaker 3 No, no impressions, nothing political. But you're not going to be able to do that.
I have to dig through my suitcase.

Speaker 3 the best thing you can hear i'll just give you inside baseball for a big ballroom a corporate date where they're drunk and tired when they kind of you're you're a contracted due to a certain amount of time and they go you you could just do 25.

Speaker 5 that's great that's all you need if the audience is dead at that point and they're thinking about getting to their car or using the bathroom they don't you know they like to see someone from tv in their in their room they're like this is fun you came all the way here yeah and then you do your stuff and then after a while they go i got a feel for it and they've

Speaker 5 got it Let's take off.

Speaker 3 Where does that come from?

Speaker 1 I got a feel for it.

Speaker 5 I got a feel for it.

Speaker 3 Oh, I got a feel for it. Let's name your tour.
Yeah. You're going to announce some dates.

Speaker 5 Coming up.

Speaker 3 Omaha. Three cities in Ohio.

Speaker 2 Did you know there's three cities in Ohio?

Speaker 3 Three cities in Ohio? Dayton, Chicago, and Poughkeepsie.

Speaker 3 What a fucking name.

Speaker 5 There's one called Newark, Ohio.

Speaker 3 Cleveland. There's not a date in Ohio?

Speaker 8 There is.

Speaker 5 That's not where I'm going.

Speaker 5 I'm going going Cleveland, Cincy, where my mom is from.

Speaker 3 Chicago, Illinois.

Speaker 5 Cincinnati

Speaker 5 and Newark, where they're working on building an airport that doesn't work there so they can be like the other Newark.

Speaker 3 Are you?

Speaker 3 Oh, I know. Who's going to go into that? I don't like to fly anyway.
So why go in? It's a little iffy, but it's open. You know, the radar goes down once in a while on the runway.

Speaker 3 Look, if we had our drothers, it'd be twice as long.

Speaker 8 But

Speaker 5 just book your flight in and out of Newark. Yeah.
I mean, it works a lot of the time. so you should go.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 I mean, is it scary?

Speaker 5 Yes. Is it unsafe?

Speaker 8 Yes.

Speaker 3 Do you usually make it? Yes. Sometimes not? Yes.
Is the runway really too short for the aircraft? Yes. Can they apply brakes? Yes.
Are the landings especially hard because of the short runways? Yes.

Speaker 3 So anyway, are pilots terrified to come to Newark? Yes.

Speaker 5 What? Are pilots terrified to land there? Yes.

Speaker 5 Does anyone that knows anything about aviation, are they scared? Yes.

Speaker 3 Do the pilots wear adult diapers while they're coming into Newark? Yes.

Speaker 5 Will we lie consistently to make sure you still go there? Yes.

Speaker 3 Will the flight attendants pretend to be smiling while they're terrified on the climb in and climb out? Yes.

Speaker 5 If you're 10 hours late, will you get a free drink? No.

Speaker 3 And when we hit turbulence, we will especially tell the flight attendants to serve lunch and bring the drinks out.

Speaker 5 When we say we appreciate your patience, do we appreciate it? No.

Speaker 3 Don't you love it when it gets really turbulent and they're still just boring? I go, get sit down. This is nerve-wracking.

Speaker 5 I know they're like this. Everything's, I do this all the time.

Speaker 3 Yeah, which is, oh, this is like chop.

Speaker 3 You'll be fine. You're on water, right?

Speaker 5 I hate the people that go, I like it. Take a roller coaster.
I go, shut the fuck up. You don't like it.
No one likes it.

Speaker 3 Well, what I've done lately is I have a book. And it's a World War II book, and it's about people flying into Germany on B-17s taking flack.

Speaker 3 And I just think I'm not, I'm not, everyone in that B-17 would love to be in this modern jet.

Speaker 5 I have a P-pad like a dog, and I put it under my seat. And then I go,

Speaker 3 you actually have no fear of flying.

Speaker 3 I do.

Speaker 5 I'm scared. You don't.

Speaker 3 You just don't.

Speaker 3 You're good. You know, me, I'm studying the engine, the size of the engine, the metrics.
I'm studying the weather. I mean, I'm just, I'm kind of nutty.

Speaker 5 I'm out there helping them start the prop.

Speaker 3 All right.

Speaker 3 I think you should end on that.

Speaker 3 Well, that you have a lot of sound effects. I've not heard the prop flame.

Speaker 5 You know what it's in again? It's in the jet ski family.

Speaker 5 Here's a jet ski.

Speaker 5 It's water in the car.

Speaker 3 I'm going to do sound effect in my act, but for today, it would be like this.

Speaker 5 All right, we appreciate you joining us for an extended version of Superfly. We're going to charge you.

Speaker 3 We were supposed to.

Speaker 3 Our mothership company wanted us to do 30. Well, we messed up once again.

Speaker 5 There'll always be at least 30, but we always go long as we goofer.

Speaker 3 Because we love you.

Speaker 5 We love the crowd.

Speaker 3 For listening or watching.

Speaker 5 We love the comments. Even the mean ones actually don't like them.
But I'm not afraid to block someone, though. No.
Actually, I get a little charging.

Speaker 3 Hey, man, the mean comments tell you. I'll do it as Owen Wilson.
Hey, man, the mean comments tell you more about the people that are writing them than actually anything to do with you.

Speaker 5 Look at Greg's eyes are darting. Like, they don't know who makes the comments, do they?

Speaker 3 Greg is trying to catch a flight to a basketball camp.

Speaker 5 We can wrap it up. Thanks for watching and listening, and we'll see you next week.
We'd like to thank

Speaker 3 Heather, Evan, and Greg for being our audience.

Speaker 5 Oh, you can cut that out.

Speaker 3 I'm trying to throw them a ball.

Speaker 5 This has been a presentation of Odyssey Superfly as executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade, Jenna Weiss-Berman of Odyssey, Heather Santoro, and Greg Holtzman. Hope you liked it.