SUPERFLY #60 - TIGER KING calls from Prison

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All right, let's start it, Dana. It's Superfly, as we all know.
Everyone's excited about it. Riveted, setting their clocks.
It's unique. Yeah.
It's unique. It's a unique Superfly.
I'm just going to say that up front. It's not a tease.
We're going to do something a little different. David? Yes.
Oh, David. Well, back during the pandemic, we were all glued to the Tiger King.
I was also. And Joe Exotic, who had a lot of funny catchphrases and funny things going on.
A very interesting down there in the zoo is a loose word uh i guess it was a zoo yeah i don't know i don't know if it was a zoo yeah and uh and all this cast of characters it was like a movie and it was they were always saying you should do a movie about that and it's it's almost so uh exaggerated it's hard to make a movie right but who was floated who was floated that we know oh yeah play joe exotic in the tiger king movie oh that's right spadely yeah and uh that's not a i mean i don't know what it was well maybe it's because of dirt Maybe because of Joe Dirt. I kind of look like this guy.
But he was very funny.

Very cool. I mean, I don't know what it was.
Well, maybe it's because of Joe Dirt. Maybe because of Joe Dirt.

I kind of look like this guy.

But he was very funny, very charismatic.

So I go by the funny part.

And we never talked about it, but I never really pursued it because it was one of those lightning in a bottle shows. And then time goes on, and by the time something would come out, it probably wouldn't have been as exciting.

But now he's in prison. And for, go ahead, Dana.
For apparently hiring someone to murder his nemesis, Carol Baskin, who was sort of an animal rights activist in the area and wanted to shut down Joe's zoo because she thought he was cruel to the tigers. And he thought she was cruel also, and also killed her husband, he says, allegedly, right? Right.
It was redneck heaven. It was in Oklahoma, and everyone's got a body buried.
Everyone's got a bottle of booze in their back pocket and there's wild tigers running

around it's a mesmerizing you don't want to look too closely at anything like you go in anyone's

yard and you start digging you're going to find something so yeah uh on the surface it seemed like a fun goofy show to talk about and then when you dig a little deeper it gets a little it's a little twisted

I read that he shot

he shot

five tigers

and uh twisted. I read that he shot five tigers and I don't like shooting tigers.
Sure. I think we can all say we're safely against that.
Yeah. Basically, we've got him.
He's in jail and he's going to call in. It's like a radio show.
He's going to. We got a caller.

We got a call.

We will not be able to share Joe, but we're going to hear his voice.

I bet we put up a picture of him.

And then imagine him talking.

Hopefully we'll ask the questions you want us to ask.

We probably won't, but we're going to hopefully. Yeah.
I did seven seconds of research so i'm locked and i know we all know about him we all know the basic reads you know yeah yeah we know this but we're sort of playing for the big strokes of what people know and uh speaking of big strokes i had a big night last night uh what do you mean no i'm kidding oh um It just sounded like a good setup well if we if we have a few moments it was interesting that the astronauts got rescued on spacex yeah after boeing starliner had some issues and couldn't bring them back they were going to be for what, eight days and they were there for 10 months.

And there are side effects.

Oh yeah.

I have a,

I have a question about this,

Dana.

I'm glad you brought it up.

And I know everyone's supposed to,

uh,

hate say Elon Musk,

but he did do a good thing yesterday.

Well,

what's this Elon Musk stuff?

I mean,

come on,

calm down a little bit.

Compartmentalize it.

If you don't like Doge,

go after that.

But SpaceX is, uh, you know, an amazing achievement for a private bit. Compartmentalize it.
If you don't like Doge, go after that. But SpaceX is an amazing achievement for a private company.
I mean, they totally dominated our friend Jeff Bezos because he really said to NASA, I'm going to give you a billion. I'll do anything you want.
They looked at both spacecraft and the one that Bill Shatner went on didn't quite make the grade. What about when it and they have like those chopsticks just grab it when it lands on spacex it's it's almost impossible yes he goes i gotcha yes and that to be able to reuse it instead of throwing it in the ocean brings the cost way down so that again was a revolutionary feat of engineering and i don't think people know this i'm just going by the facts don't i don't want to get any letters no mark andreason is a big silicon valley investor in tech for decades i know him casually he explained that that elon is first and foremost an engineer so if there's a problem with spacex or tesla or whatever he goes and sits in a room with the engineers for 12 hours i like and his act that's why he can attract such great other engineers because he speaks their language there's no barrier a ceo i'm gonna go golf and make a spaceship he's actually in there so i think if anyone is kind of considered a genius he has to be you can You can hate a genius, but at least acknowledge that SpaceX is a revolution.
And Starlink, why I'm talking to you right now. Yeah.
Also, here's one part about the landing that I read about today that was interesting is that a former astronaut said that they don't make money while they're up there, even though it's supposed to be for nine days. So they probably made an extra $1,200 or something.
For 10 months. Yeah, because they get paid a travel allowance on those days.
So this sounds like a joke because it sounds funny, but I want to get to the bottom of what they got paid because that wasn't part of the plan. So this astronaut said that happened to them and they got $4 a day.

They usually get about $4 a day as an astronaut.

That's just bad management.

If you sign a contract, you should have a stranded. Say again? To stop this call, press 5.
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Hey, Greg.

You're on with Dave and Dana.

Joe. Joe, come in.
Joe, are you on the space station? I know it sounds like he's on SpaceX. Joe, what's today like? What did you have for breakfast? Let's just start.
How are you feeling? I've never been in prison and I've never been in prison for, I guess, seven years. And I know you want to get out, but how have you changed just being in prison all these years? What's it like? You know what? I wouldn't believe it if I wouldn't have had to come live this.
I really wouldn't. It's crazy.
If the general taxpayer knew what was going on in here, they would either close it all down or cut something. They'd have to cut something.
There's no fiction. If I'd have done something wrong, there's no fiction what I'd done wrong because this is all about drugs and alcohol and bullshit in here.
Oh, in prison it is, is that what you're saying? Pardon? Yeah. It's crazy.
If they think they're going to win the war on drugs out there, they need to start by trying to win the war on drugs in here. Are drugs run on the outside from the inside?

Yes.

Okay, and what are the names and addresses of the guards

who let the drugs come in? No,

the names of the bad guys, too.

There are people who just want to stay in prison, right?

Because they get drugs, three meals,

and then they get to go run around and lift weights?

Is that some people kind of like prison

because of this?

A lot of them are what do you call it uh lifers conformed to be to to this lifestyle yeah sure yeah yeah yeah because it's it's it's sort of a structured life that is you know when you get on the outside that's why there's a lot of uh mental instability out in the real world more and more every day because it's just so hard to function in a regular society. But there you got walls, you got meals, you got rules, and I guess you got drugs.
And Mike Tyson said he had a blast in prison. It's a little different than what you would picture, at least the prison that I'm in because the prison that I'm in there's there's no doors there's no bars it's it's open dorm like a college you know I like that floor plan you have movement every every hour you know for 10 minutes you can go from place to place, you know, whether it's library or rec or chow hall or whatever.
But it's pretty insane, the amount of drugs. You know, I made it 55 years without seeing heroin, K2, fentanyl, or seboscin until I came to federal prison.
Were you tempted to get back on or were you ever on drugs and got off? I don't remember. You know, that's the thing that I finally saw Tiger King for the first time about four months ago.
Oh, really? Oh, it was a great show. I mean, it was riveting, right? I was pretty disgusted with it to start with because I was like, they made me out to be this big meth head, and I'm the only one on the show with teeth wearing clothes, you know? That's a good point.
That's kind of like the show that Kate McKinnon made that was Joe vs. Carol.
Did you watch that? Yeah, I was aware of it. I didn't watch it.
Was it more accurate or what, from your point of view? I mean, they made me have to be a whole lot more gayer than I am, you know? A whole lot more gayer. But they made you super gay.
Yeah. If they wanted to make money, they would have cast David to play me because that guy that played me went way over the top, Matt.
Listen, I can do super gay. Just give me some notes.
You know, before they actually came out with that, they were going to cast Nicolas Cage. And I was like, no, no, Nicolas Cage is too dry.
I said, come on. I said, you want to have a real show? You got to cast David Spade to play Joe Durk.
You know what I mean? Yeah. How about this? Here's my audition.
Fuck you, Carole Baskin, you bitch. I say you got it.
I say we got Joe a joe exotic we have to make a third movie we'll at least a callback we have that down so you know i have three movie uh offers right now and uh you know i'm i'm pretty sure that i'm gonna make it out of here either with a pardon or on appeal this year one or the other other. So, yeah, when we do this new show, we have got to team up.
It'll be a classic. Ah, shit.
Yeah. I like you have more movies than me and Dana do when you're in jail.
You've got three going. There you go.
Yeah. What an agency.
Who's your agent? What about, didn't you, did your, you can't ask Trump, but did some of your team or was that someone else not involved with you asking for a pardon? I can't ask Trump what? Oh, for a pardon or did some other people try to sort of help with that? Well, you know, my people are allowed to record phone calls. so I've made some pleas myself.
And then Jerry Jones' lawyer, the owner of the Cowboys, has done a press conference and made a plea to him. I've got an active primacy application in the White House now.
And then the good thing is Enrique, I'm not sure if I'm saying his name right, but he's pretty cool. He's the leader of the Proud Boys.
He's going to be in Mar-a-Lago Saturday, and he's going to talk to him about a party. Okay.
That sounds like a Saturday Night Live sketch about William Trump. Why did you...
By the way, who was the last person? We talked to some people with Tiger King. I did before.
I couldn't get to you, but when I was on my old show, Lights Out. When was the last person to see you? Did anyone come in visit you or is it or do you still stay in touch you know you know what's crazy is uh the only person that even checked on me was john rinky the guy with no legs the the old manager he checks on me pretty regularly but other than that nobody has even concerned themselves whether I'm dead or alive.

If Carol Baskin came to visit you and you were across the glass, what do you think that conversation would go like? If Carol had a conversation? Yeah, she came to visit you in prison and you two were talking. What would it be like? You know the crazy you know the crazy part is me and carol really didn't have that bad of a war going on it was just she made money convincing people that i was an abuser because i abused baby tigers because i took them away from their mom and i made money on my my podcast i guess you'd call it it was actually just an online television show back then on joeyzotictv.com.
I made money because it was easy to make fun of her because she was just batshit crazy. And I know she killed her husband, you know.
But that's where our war started was when I started investigating Don Lewis's disappearance. And, uh, I kind of went to shit from there, but you know, I could actually look Carol in, in the face, you know, right to this day.
And the conversation would have to be like, you know, you might've put me in prison, but you didn't put me in a cage because I've never been in an actual jail cell.

But, you know, she threw me in prison.

I was like, dude, there's 1,450 in here.

It's not that bad.

Well, if I go to prison, I'm going to find out how to do that.

If you could go back like seven or eight, nine years, what would you have done different?

Do you have any regrets of thinking of how you would have handled the whole situation? I'd have never let Jeff Lowe in my life. Okay.
He was toxic to you or what was the problem? Well, Jeff Lowe was the scammer. You know, he conned his way into my zoo, claiming that he was this millionaire, had all this money.
Come to find out after he got his name on half the property,

he was supposed to invest $300,000.

Kelly was behind on his car payments.

He didn't have anywhere to live.

And then what has he got?

He's pretty much selling his wife on OnlyFans to make a living now. It's like a bad episode of Magnum P.I.
Yeah, it's crazy. Magnum P.I.
So you and Carol were sort of more like wrestling at the beginning. It was sort of an exaggerated version of Enemies, but you're just hyping it up for the show.
And then it took a turn when, it always takes a turn for the worse if somebody gets killed. And then you mentioned that and then it ups the stakes and now she's really out for revenge.
That's kind of it? Yeah, you know, since the show came out, since I've been arrested, you know she's gotten on TMZ. This call is from a federal prison.
Oh shit. I think I saw her on Kelly Clarkson.
Yeah, she gets out there. You're right.
You know, she got out there and she actually rooted for a pardon for me a couple years ago. And then about five months ago she put on her YouTube channel two videos of her right-hand girl and Alan Glover, the hitman, talking on a telephone where Alan admitted that he lied about it all.
So she's actually put evidence out there that's on my appeal right now that everything will prove I'm innocent. Why did the hitman lie? lie.
Well, you know, he worked for Jeff for so many years and I think Jeff has some pretty good dirt on him because he's done all of Jeff's dirty work and Jeff wanted my zoo so bad that I think he blackmailed Alan, you know, according to the affidavits and the video deposition we have of Alan now, Jeff pretty much blackmailed him into doing this so Jeff could get the zoo. Tangled web.
Now, it said that you, did you euthanize, I guess it would be a kinder word, five tigers, but it was considered, made Carol really mad? Or what was that situation? Okay. Okay.
I euthanized five tigers. Okay.
And where the jury didn't ever get a hear and explain anything was, okay, I was licensed by the United States Department of Agriculture. Okay.
And that's who allows you to have a zoo.

And they're the ones who help you write your protocols.

They're the ones who approve your protocols.

They're the ones who approve everything you do.

And my USDA inspector kept saying,

Joe, you have 260 tigers.

Why are you keeping these five alive? Because they're so old and they're crippled and they're in pain.

So we came to the conclusion that we needed to go ahead and put them to sleep okay there was there was two ways in the protocol to put them to sleep by gunshot or as long as it was done instantaneously okay or by injection of a vet euthanizing by injection in order to in order to have the vet euthanize them by injection, you have to tranquilize them first so she can walk in a cage without getting killed. So that takes about 45 minutes and you have to keep tranquilizing them over and over and over.
They have seizures and they have all kinds of throwing up and everything else. So the vet just figured out that, you know what? Let's just put them down with the gunshot and have it done in a half a second.
So that's what we did. And we buried them.
Okay. Well, the inspector that told us to do that couldn't be found to subpoena her for my trial.
So the jury never got to hear her. Okay.
Ah, I see. Yeah.
You bitch. They charged me with going hunting without a permit basically damn ah do you was there a plea deal at any point for less time and so forth and so on never never a plea deal so it It was either straight guilt or innocence.
And then they sentenced you to 21 years. Oof.

Yeah. never never a plea deal so it was either straight guilt or innocence and then

they sentenced you to 21 years oof yeah now with good good behavior i've already done seven would you reasonably be out anyway in a couple years or if i have to do all of this i'll be out September of 2030.

I see.

Four plus years

or five years?

I see.

Okay. This phone beeped and it's going to hang up any second.
Okay. I've wanted for years to be able to talk to you, David.
It's just, you're that big of an inspiration from your movie you made. And this made my whole...
Right in the middle of his Oscar speech? God damn it. Well, it's obviously, you sound just like him.
So he was enamored with you to play him in the movie. So it's very interesting.
And he just really wanted to meet you. I think you're his favorite comedian.
Well, I heard a lot back then about him when it was going on, but there was nothing anyone could do about it. But I do think his story is very interesting the more we hear about it because it does sound like he was hyping it up a little bit before, and then it got very dark very fast.
And I don't know what to make of it. On the surface, he seems like a the surface, he seems like a cool dude to like, well, it's supposed to be innocent until proven guilty.
So the idea was they had to prove, um, they had to prove that he hired the hit man. I'd have to really look at the, the proof of that.
Cause that was the linchpin. I think for that.
The euthanizing the tigers wouldn't have been seven years, but a hire for murder of Carol Baskin because he believed she murdered her husband. So he was a vigilante at that point, kind of, or was he doing it? I mean, so in other words,

that's the linchpin of the case. I'd have to look into it.
I'm not an attorney, but

no, but can you rep him? Well, I wanted to announce it today that Joe Exotic has hired

me to represent him in a court of law and we'll, we'll be, we'll be doing.

I didn't get to ask him, did he gain weight? Did he lose weight? You know, some people go to prison,

they, most people get very skinny. He was very skinny anyway.
Some people shockingly gain weight.

Thank you. be doing.
I didn't get to ask him, did he gain weight? Did he lose weight? You know, some people go to prison. Most people get very skinny.
He was very skinny anyway. Some people shockingly gain weight.
And then you think, well, that might make sense because the food's so horrible. It sounds like he says it's like a college dorm and you walk around a lot.
They probably are fed well. I think it's your own choice, but I have heard that, yeah, drugs are rampant in prison and a lot of people want to stay in there.
Anyway, I don't know enough about the case, but he got convicted in a court of law. Now he's in prison.
But we'll see. Yeah, it's very interesting.
We'll see in the YouTube comments. We'll talk more about it next week because we'll hear their questions and see.
We can make from it what you can make from it. We ask some good questions.
Yeah, I talked about the killing of the tigers. Carol Baskin, I thought him and Carol, it sounded like an awkward Tinder date at the beginning.
You're like, what if you guys got to sit across from each other? Yeah, what would you say? That's a good one.

And also, he actually was friendlier about her than I would think because after all this.

Whatever happened.

He's not.

He wasn't doing, you do the impression with a B word.

Dana Carvey, you bitch.

Carol Bassett. That's all I can do.
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Only available with TurboTax Live full service. If he comes out and does a dating show or he and Carol Baskin live together, like, you know, the real world.
Well, I was going to pitch him Joe Exotic, naked and afraid. He's in this enclosure.
It's like three miles across, like, you know, some kind of, there's tigers in there. And can he survive with no weapons or anything, just with his intellect? Can he become the tiger king? And he gets killed immediately.
It's just, we could shoot a pilot in the prison. Okay, let's do a sizzle.
What about? I do like all the pitches, though. I just want to talk like that.
You a bitch. Cheryl Baskin, basket she came in here i can't remember the funniness of the show but i remember everyone was into it the whole god dang country was into it well it was just good for follow-up redneck heaven yeah we just wanted to follow it up i we didn't want to uh you know take sides in any way i was just curious you know so we let we we let our viewers decide.
Yeah, we let YouTube comments decide. But he didn't really sound like it was the most horrible place in the world.
You know, I kind of, he had a good attitude about that. You can walk every hour.
I guess there's probably lift weights in the yard. I just know from the movies and stuff like that.
But it sounds like a low security or a minimum security prison. It's not like Rikers Island.
I wonder if there was any other famous people in there that do these mid-level crimes where they don't really go to the hard prisons and they get sort of scammed around. I think P.
Diddy and Harvey Weinstein and others are kind of together. Rikers Sam Bankman, that clown.
Yeah, they're all in rikers island having lunch together how you doing sam what's up p it's always like there's some pretty cool people in here and then you're like those guys aren't cool yeah oh my god it's so early dana i know you saw our producer's question pound puppy all right what else can we talk about day and We got a lot to cover. We could talk.
We're going to switch gears here. We were, I was just about going to say something about the astronauts until we are interrupted by.
I was saying they get, they don't make that much up there, but we're going to find out about that. Well, I say they should have a stranded addendum to their contract.
Stranded. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And then we'll get it now. They'll get a quarter million a month each for every month.
Because what happens is without zero gravity that long, I'm not saying specifically their case, and I hope they end up fantastic. You get baby feet because there's no push off with gravity.
So your feet turn into little rolled up soft baby feet. Your heart gets smaller.
And I'm hoping that they can build that back up. You grow two to three inches taller.
That much? Yeah, that long in space because your spine is never compressed. Sign me up.
You'd come out 6'2". Let's go.
6'2", smiling. I'll cancel my trip to Turkey where I saw my legs off and add four.
Oh, all those, that whole thing. You know what? I say a good, good pair of boots and confidence is all anybody needs.
No way. Good pair.
It's not doing enough. Good pair.
No, I don't even wear boots. That's what I should do.
We'll talk like this. We'll talk later.
But those astronauts. Yeah.
I heard you get taller, but these are other things I didn't know. I didn't know about the baby feet.
Baby feet, heart gets a little smaller, but they, you know, another six months. I mean, it is good that Elon got up there.
Now, here's, again, you guys can put your comments in. So Elon Musk says that he was ready to rescue them earlier, but it was completely the Biden administration that sort of stopped that from happening i don't know if that's true that's what i heard heard so that's kind of oh really let's yeah cut to the comments give us comments we'll read some next week we don't read enough on the air we'll read some i read them and they're usually pretty nice i said they're usually pretty good and then there's a couple get in there a couple get in there sometimes they're just attention seekers well it's you're gonna get i don't think anyone has ever gotten a five star consistently no on on a podcast because there's gonna be some zeros in there you know what fuck these guys man you know i.
It's just human nature. If it's 5.0, it's fake.

Just go against the grain.

But I have a question about podcasts before we start into other stuff.

And I also bought a truck over the break.

God, you can't.

Was there?

Good for you.

I cannot stop.

Can't.

I actually kind of want to buy a truck because I sort of live on a farm, but we'll get to that in a sec.

I know. My buddy goes, what are you hauling? Like a mostly hats and coats.
Well, it's just, look, they did a thing and this is not a thing I'm making up. They put a man standing next to just a regular sedan.
They put the same man standing next to a pickup truck. And then they did a poll with women and they're like 87 percent more attracted to the guy standing next to the pickup truck do the math that's what i'm going for yeah uh i but i don't bring it bring a trailer sometimes to get trucks i go all over i go on instagram i dm these people these sites once you get on i'm i'm into cars so i get like oh it's always old well what was it? it was trucks from the 70s

these old F250s

I had dinner with a guy last night

whose favorite car

is the Camino

or is it called

the El Camino from the 60s

that's sort of like the first

kind of a flatbed truck

but also kind of

so those are

those

and he collects them

it was like

has one 1965 loves it you know who drives an El Camino? You'll never guess. Juan Corona.
Marky in bus boys, my character. Oh, see you knew.
And I knew, and I didn't know that ahead of time, folks, this is not rehearsed. I did not know know that but i kind of figured that you would be a camino guy el camino i think john stamos used to have an you should have are your is your character called joe dirt but you never referred to it that would have been no it's funny that that joe exotic brought up brought up joe dirt so i can see that bus boys has some similarities that i am ready for already.
It's really underdog stuff. You know what I mean? So there's themes in movies.
The greatest. Sam does a lot of that underdog.
It was back in the Caddyshack days and stuff. It was called Snobs vs.
Slobs. And it's the blue-collar people vs.
the elite. And yeah, Adam does that.
And Happy Gilmore, he's got He's got the nemesis is all Ivy league and Sandler's like, I don't know if he lives in a garbage can. It's just, it's the shit.
It's in a garbage. You know, it's just the crazy clothes.
And he steps up to it. Like he's a baseball player.
I mean, it's incredibly charming. And water boy was another brilliant example of the, you know, the guy has nothing going on, but he can tackle harder than than any yeah yeah it's good if you're extra tough too yeah i don't know how tough i am in busboys uh but i will say okay so i was telling you about a truck bring a trailer i'll i will say it's it's very it's getting more complicated to buy it used to be click click bye bye bing b buy, bing, bing.
They should make it a lot easier, honestly, because people would buy more quicker. Well, who vets? It's still good.
Are they vetted? I mean, do you go look at them and kick the tires, so to speak? The problem with the new world of buying stuff is it moves quickly. Started Barrett Jackson.
I used to go to that in Arizona. And then it's once a year and you walk around, you look at them.
The days of actually driving to meet someone in the Safeway parking lot,

and then it's once a year and you walk around you look at them the days of actually driving to meet someone in the safeway parking lot and then you sit in the car and you drive it around yeah they're not over but it's also a little more dangerous but you really have to know what you're doing because most the cars bought now are for me our online auction or bring a trailer or Bar it and uh you don't sit in them and you don't drive them and that's the two things you really need to do yeah i think that would be very bad fucking neck and you sit like this so if you do that you need to do it so sometimes i go sit in one of that type so i kind of know what I'm getting and drive it. And then if I get a really good version of that kind of car, then I'll have the right kind of play.
And are the sellers rated like a Uber driver, like trustworthy? You can look online to get that. Sometimes I'm bringing trailer.
They have a comment section during the seven-day auction. And it 90 like mechanics and car people so they're just in there can you check the phalange on that show me a close-up i think there might be something a little itchy about it and then they really like troubleshoot it almost for you uh but this is getting too boring other than that i will say well i i saw go ahead you follow up, I just wanted to say that, you know, trucks and this and that and motorcycles.
But you see a guy with a truck. It's like, okay, cool.
And then it don't got no muffler. And so it just starts it up.
And it feels like the car is saying, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man. I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, man, man, man, man, I'm a man, man, man, man, man,

I'm a man, man, man, man, man.

Then they put on Surfing USA, Surfing USA, I'm a man, man, man, man, man, man.

Barbaran, Barbaran, I'm a man.

Yeah.

If you can't start the car, it's like, I'm impendent.

I can't get it up.

So that's not good. You want to.
V-V-V-V-V-V-V-V-V-V-V a jet ski. Stop doing that.
There's water in it. Is that a bad one? No, it's funny.

That is if it triggered me.

Oh, motorcycle.

I've been doing a character called Sound Effecty.

Yes.

Walks across the grass.

We've done this before.

Jesus, that's the grass. We've done this before.
Jesus.

Opens the car door.

Adjusts the rear view mirror.

Starts it up.

Windshield wipers.

With no rain.

With no rain, it's like this.

You turn them off

and then about 10 minutes later.

You go,

oh, fuck,

are these still going?

That's the fucking

intermittent, man.

And you're like,

oh, this is good.

Then it starts to pour.

You go back to full tilt

and then you go down.

It's a fucking brain twister.

I don't need this shit.

It's a game. I can't win.
Here's the world's worst sound effect comedian. Walk across the grass.
Eeyer, eeyer, eeyer. Open the door.
Eeyer, eeyer, eeyer. Adjust the rear view mirror.
Eeyer, eeyer, eeyer. He's terrible.
He has one effect. That's not bad.
You're the king of that. Come on now, king on now king all right okay so one quick thing about podcasts i got a new name for gavin newsom's oh because you know what trump calls him what does he call him he goes and he says it in a throwaway he doesn't even emphasize it gavin newscom gavin newscom is coming up oh yeah he calls it.
Gavin Newscomb. He's got a podcast where he.
Yeah, yeah. I don't know.
What does he do? I guess they take calls to see how much to raise our taxes. But this is the name.
Ready? I can't believe it was right there for him. Gavin Newscomb.
Gavin Newsom. Gavin.
Gavin. I'll say here's a new nickname almost like a rapper's name i'm calling the human pivot because he is uh he's come out against men playing in women's sports it's a little shaky for a democrat and he's also had i think charlie kirk which is a famous podcaster is conservative on his show.
So I'm calling him the human pivot.

He's also had, I think, Charlie Kirk, which is a famous podcaster, who's conservative, on his show. So I'm calling him the human pivot.
He's pivoting to the center for 2028. 2028, you got to get right down that middle.
So he's going to run for president? Is that the idea? Oh, my God. They all want to be president.
Every single politician at one point was probably president of the senior class.

And then they want to be.

It is a power position.

Jesus.

But once you go in the Oval Office with the president, you go, really?

This numbskull, this knucklehead is the president?

No matter who it is.

You meet Biden.

I'm going to meet the president of the United States.

Mommy, he's not like I thought he'd be.

All right.

Let's get to the big stories of the day.

Okay.

Keep doing Biden.

We'll get to the big stories.

I'm being serious.

Okay.

Big stories.

Here we go.

Wait.

Oh, Starbucks ordered to pay.

This drives me crazy.

I saw this story.

50 million to a guy burned by hot tea. Now, burns your wiener i'm all in but it always feels excessive because let's say at the drive-through window the girl gives it to him and it spills if it is not your wiener i have a very very strong stance if it's your legs third degree burns how many people would take third degree burns for on their legs or a million dollars i bet almost everyone would take no not everyone yeah a lot of people take a million dollars right but 50 that would i would say it was right the face is melted and then it matriculates to, as you call it, the work wiener.
Peeling skin off, screaming. Yeah.
And maybe crash your car. And do they really get 50 million? Isn't it kind of like a thing? Well, look at the bottom.
Well, they ordered to pay 50 million. I don't know.
I mean, it seems like. In order to pay 50 million dollars in a burn injury case out of LA County, the jury delivered that verdict against Starbucks.
She's very serious. She looks like Julie Bone.
Okay, here we are. Video shows an employee handing an array of hot drinks, including hot tea at the drive-thru, but a cup was unsecured and it then fell into the line of plaintiff, Michael Garcia.
He suffered third-degree burns to his genitals. The jury found Starbucks liable for his injuries starbucks issued a statement disagreeing once you get the genitals and says the grossest word well were they curable the gen i mean my graph team we should let's get deep into this could they have made everything all good again down there we'll still do it take away my away my genitals.
I'm not using them anymore. Take away, give me $3 million.
How much for your genitals? I know, then you go, what would blow for your genitals? It's hard not to sound drunk saying the word genitals. Your Honor, I just want to say to the court, that is the genitals.
Have you been drinking, sir? You sound like you're drunk. It is a sexy word.
I like when girls go, let's see them genitals. You have a testicular imagination.
It's testicular. It's a testicular.
Let's see. Another thing I have, Dana, I have a lot to say about this.

The poor girl I just saw, I thought the guy wasn't close enough to the window. I'm going to play it again like this is a Pruder film.
So he had to do a big deal. Because he also made a stipulation that from now on, they offered him $30 million.
And he said, no no he said i'll take 30 it as a settlement if you if they make every employee screw on the cup or make a new way to do it for the tops to make them secure right and they said no and so they risked it but they had to pay 50 but watch this this poor girl trying to bust her hump make her living yeah he's working heart look how far that car is. Am I crazy? It looked from our angle a bit far.
Look how far she's full plank, sticking her arm out. The thing they don't tell you is that something like this happens 47 times a day at Starbucks worldwide.
So they're paying $50 million a day, and that's why the stock market is being cruel to them. Here's my thing that I always ask.
What would blow the jury away? They get in there and some guy goes, fuck Starbucks. I say we give them $80 million.
And they're like, are you nuts? $80? I say we give $ say we give 60 that's insane finally they get to the guy going how about 50 that's more like it that's that's a nice now we're talking now we're talking that's reasonable yeah his head screwed on this is 50 feels good i listen i know starbucks is rich okay but that poor girl is gonna get fired those jobs are tough by the way. Just like lining them up.
Anyway, we're on this story too long. Heather's stretching.
And I know when she stretches, that means next door. Yeah.
She starts doing yoga. Yeah.
Okay. That was 20 minutes on that one.
Yoga. Look at this transition.
Oh, wow. Bill Belichick and Jordan Hudson beach day.
Okay. So Bill Belichick, the famous coach and his girlfriend, he's 73.
She's 23. Just have to say it.
They're on their backs. Both of them? No, I don't understand.
Look at the second picture. He's on his back.
It looks like his legs go straight all the way to the knee.

Looks like a grasshopper.

He's on his back and she's sitting on his feet.

Yeah.

That better not be in her genitals.

I don't know what to make of this. That's on her hip bones, but it looks a little too much like, hey, dad, put me up.

What I think is I'm all for them having a slight age gap.

I don't care about it.

She's three.

He's 500.

Now that's fine.

But I will say he,

the,

to me,

he was the once absolutely no attention coach out of just regular coaches.

Every press conference,

moving on to Cleveland next week.

You know? Yeah. And she's an influencer on to Cleveland, next week, you know.

Yeah.

And she's an influencer.

So we see who won

in this combo.

He was called

the grumpy lobster man

because he wore

this cutoff sweatshirt

when he was a coach.

Oh yeah, that's right.

A man of few words.

And now he's got

this high-flying,

sexually charged influencer.

Oh.

She weighs probably 115 pounds. So he can at least squat that.
It's a reverse squat. I find this curious.
Am I disturbed? The strongest, Dana will say, is curious. I'm saying I don't know what to make of it.
If she's of age to consent, I don't know. Listen, she weighs 115.
Even with my carry-on wood legs, I could toss her across that beach in two seconds. I'm strong.
My legs are strong. And in the comments there say she calls him daddy.
Daddy. Minimum daddy.
No granddaddy. No grandpa.
No grandpa. Heather, I'm coming back and I'm putting my hat back on.
God bless them all. My hair is not great today, Dan, and we're not going to over talk about it.
I got up at 5 a.m. to work on this, so it looks I'm not fine.
This shit show? I like this show today. It's fun.
I don't want to be identified as being in this time and place with you. Scarlett Johansson on why why she refuses to take photos with fans in public.
Now, this is a great subject because, first of all, we'll start with we all love Scarlett Johansson. She is amazing.
Super sweet. Known her off and on over the years.
Always friendly. Yeah.
I talked to her a lot when I was in New York. Yeah, at the 50th, we did this.
She was in a sketch. It wasn't like we were in it together.
She actually came up to me at one of the parties and she just had her hair up and was dressed different. And she's smaller than you'd think because she plays, you know, superstar heroes.
And she's talking to me for 10 minutes. And then I finally went, oh, oh, you're Scarlett Johansson.
I didn't know. Yeah.
I thought was but she's that shows she's quite unassuming for being yeah uh uh stunner but she she did suddenly e-bike heather remember suddenly e-bike that was on the 50th but the the interesting big question is what do you do with fans that want pictures and uh really, I think it's ballsy that she comes out and says she doesn't take pictures in public. She'll take them, I think, on a red carpet or at an event when it's work about the movie.
But she's trying to have a regular life. And this rubs people wrong and some people it rubs right.
And people it rubs their genitals but there's a whole lot of rubbing going on yeah i i okay here's what else she says i like to be in my own thoughts that have nothing to do with what other people think of me i don't like being self-conscious it is true dana you know this whenever you take a picture you go i i don't even want to say it's bad lighting don't even want to say I look like shit today because they always go, no, you don't. You look great.
Who cares? It's just give me that motherfucking picture. I don't care anything.
I'm like, I've got blood on my face. I've got an actual live bloody nose.
Just take it. It's fine.
You look great. So I get, I get just, I was with a famous person who wouldn't take pictures.
We were hanging out. No, you take, you're very nice.
Well, I'm nice. I'm too nice.
I mean, Scarlett Johansson is different. She's a movie star.
She's in Marvel movies. She's globally famous.
Yes. And here's what I want to add to this, which I really discourage, is that now sometimes people will then just start taking video of you.
You're walking down the street without permission. And they'll make a TikTok out of it.
Scarlett Johansson looks sad or whatever. So.
Looks sad. Why is she so bummed today? Most people are looking at paparazzi and make that face because they just realized the fun's over.
There's someone following

them and filming them. So they go, Ooh, they were in a good mood today.
It's like, well, yeah, they just saw you. So why are they chipper? And the problem is that someone like that, or really big famous people, obviously Brad Pitt or whatever, they start doing that.
They draw a crowd and then they may be there for an hour. It's literally logistically impossible.
The thing that I would maybe people do it we don't know but you can get a prosthetic nose which changes a face so radically that just sort of almost just goes right on like that and walk around invisible and i bet people do that um sure and they run you don't know it and then you don't know it they walk amongst us Heatherather the place where i get my prosthetic wieners will you see if they have noses thanks on it uh dana also she's very pretty and she's always getting attention for being pretty anyway like zendaya you add in famous and it's too much i do think that men on the horny, inappropriate side, the predatory side, obviously it's bigger than women being predatory the other way, although it happens. I mean, I often thought that why do women chase pop stars? Like the Beatles used to get 300 women chasing them, but if they'd stopped and turned around, the women wouldn't, they would have stopped but so women have a different kind of lane for what we call creeps sure and and she's uh exponentially worse especially your plan she she plays uh leading actress uh the uh very attractive uh femme fatale in the movie and this can get people crazy so i have a lot of empathy they just want to be artists they did not plan on what was going to happen and you know just try to respect them when i was a kid i and when i first saw a famous person i didn't go up to him i could just tell i saw michael landon from bonanza in a restaurant and i got no i'm not gonna go over you can just sort of tell they would rather be left alone.
My first one, my first instinct was, you owe me. You owe me.
I know. And then I go and rub their genitals.
You know, when we were in Fantasy Springs, Dana, you were very, remember we went to dinner? We get a lot. That was our own fault.
We ate it. You know, when you work at the same place where you're doing a show, it draws attention.
I never do that. Because we eat there.
We ate there. I have to say, like, I don't really have a face.
And I've told people this before. It's very benign.
If I'm like this and I change my lower jaw to Mickey Rourke, no one sees me. So I can walk around.
But with David, with the trucker hat, what's up, everybody? It's like walking around Disneyland with a guy dressed as Mickey Mouse. I mean, everyone.
You are fine, but you're very nice to your fans. You're casual.
We were nice in the airport. We're nice to everybody.
But I was saying, we were taking so many pictures. The funniest thing is at dinner.
I never do i don't want to bring any attention to you but can i climb on your shoulders just for one second it is funny when you're in mid-bite excuse me i hate we were like this i'm like oh and they're like and then they one lady was just standing there because people kept coming up one stood back so i said i was, I was eating. And I go, are you bringing us backstage? I go, we're almost done.
We're going to pay up. And she's like, okay.
And then when I went over to her, she goes, can I get a picture? I go, don't you work here? And she goes, why are you standing? I had a big bowl of spaghetti and meatballs with extra sauce. And I heard I hate to do this.
So I just dove my face into the spaghetti and meatballs. And I turned and it was just dripping off my face.
She goes, you're not Dan Agarfo. Yeah, you're Carrie from the movie.
Look up Master Disguise. And one of the first scenes where my character, Pistachio, spills spaghetti and meatballs on the people all over their faces.
And they're frozen like cartoon characters. We never show clips.
If we could show a clip, that'd be awesome. No, we can't.
My own movie? All right, one more. Okay.
Well, I don't know. We're doing good.
It's amazing. Oh.
Oh. oh oh okay play this everyone on earth peed into the grand canyon you might think it would fill up in less if if grand canyon can hold about 1.2 quadrillion gallons and the average person is this a tick tock challenge a day so if all 8 billion people peed at the same time, they'd only add about 4 billion gallons of pee.
If everyone peed, it wouldn't fill it up. Everyone on earth is peeing in the Grand Canyon for 800,000 years to fill it up.
That's, I would have bet the under. Wow.
That is one big canyon, I'll tell you that. I like how it just starts.
It's peeing in the Grand Canyon. What's this story? I guess it's if everyone peed.
This is what Elon Musk is trying to stop. It was $2 billion to these scientists to figure out if everyone on Earth peed.
It took them seven years to get the number. 800,000 years.
Just to be on one TikTok where we all... Now, you had a study where you said it would take the entire earth 800,000 years to fill up the Grand Canyon.
You got paid to figure that out. Your words, not mine.
And you're mad we're cutting that out of the budget? What are you working on what's the next one if everyone pooed in the mississippi river it would take two million years to fill it up with poo and faces now can we have a billion dollars for our study yeah and let me get my puke bucket if everybody puked the Grand Canyon, we don't know the answer. Could we get half a million dollars? Your words, not mine.
Your words, not mine. Your pee, not theirs.
Your study. Is that where all the money is going that Doge is trying to get? I don't know.
I'm Doge myself, you know. I guess we end on that little fizzler, but- I think so.
That was a fizzy fizzle, but you know, Joe Dirt 2, 3- Joe Exotic. Is that what you're talking about? Well, we had Joe Exotic on if you just click toward the end so you can hear more ads.
Yeah, if you want the ads. Hey, man, it's called a post roll.
i don't think we have a post roll we just say good night cleveland but um so he fanned out on david this should be in the introduction but that was kind of fun he really is a fan of yours i did like hearing about that during the one of the few it was a 15 see him from some federal penitentiary. No, we tried to get video for people asking.
We tried to get video, and they said no. And we heard someone behind him go, can I get the phone? I just want to call my mother.
I wanted to ask him, is he always nervous of getting beat up or something? I would be worried like someone's out to get you, you know?

Oh, definitely. You got, well, you have to create alliances.
You have to get the biggest. Does he have a boyfriend? We didn't ask any of this stuff.
I know. Well, yeah.
We're the worst. Yeah.
Okay. Well, always next time.
There's always next time. Thanks, everybody.
Thanks, everybody. Thanks, Dana.
See you next time. And thanks for listening and watching.
This has been a presentation of Odyssey.

Superfly is executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade,

Jenna Weiss-Berman of Odyssey, Heather Santoro, and Greg Holtzman.

Hope you liked it.