Chelsea Handler

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Quince.com slash fly. Our guest today is Chelsea Handler.
The one of a kind, Chelsea Handler. Chelsea Handler.
Friend of the show. I've known him for a while.
I used to see her. I've been to her house.
We had a friend's night over there once. She's very, well, I would say quite wealthy.
Yeah, I think that's a safe. I would say so.
She started, potentially she started this sort of genre, Chelsea, lately on E. Her with like five comedians that are not especially famous at that moment.
And they do become famous from show and she leads it so that she's kind of a i'm gonna call her a trail blazer whoa okay she's a pistol she says what's on her mind she doesn't hold back very true she's traveling comedian also she does a lot of things but she sells out some big venues and uh when she goes on the road

i think i saw at caesar's uh palace years back and uh does a good job also has a book out i'll have what she's having she also has a special out the feeling yeah oh also i gave her an idea for her next special a a title. We talk about how to name specials.
We talk about her dating life. She's pretty easy about answering anything.
she's she is uh oh so single doesn't want to get married but she does we will talk about a uh her current boyfriend who she described as a mountain man who lives in the mountains. And she goes and visits her mountain man.
Right. That was an interesting chunk.
Possible boyfriend. I'm not sure how she describes it.
But a guy she does hang out with. And this is a world of people hang out with people.
And this is what you're going to hear us hanging out with Chelsea. Well, not that way, but yeah.
Our over talk rate was pretty decent. 3.4 per 10 seconds of chatter.
Per milliliter. Yeah, we did pretty good on that.
And I think you'll enjoy it. Let's get her going.
Oh my God, penises. Hi, my two penis-faced buddies.
I don't know what's going on. I saw Chelsea recently, Dana, at a little backyard get-together.
Remember I came over here on the couch, I said hi. Was it at Ted's house? It was at Gervitz's, our manager.
Oh, yes, yes oh yes yes yes yes that was a really fun party apparently i left that party too early i heard it went all night long and that you got on stage and sang no you know what that was the idea there was it was going to be uh people would sing but by the way i got there at seven because everyone was a little older so i got there there at seven going, oh no, no one's going to be there yet. And then people are leaving.
I go, wait, guys, this is, I'm the old guy, but I wasn't the oldest guy there for once. And, uh, and then Dana, I don't think you went to that one, but after about nine, it was kind of slowing down.
And then I go, are they going to sing? And they're like, no, they did a birthday cake cake and then they go and then his daughter sang remember that chelsea yeah yeah lovely song and then i said i guess that's it and they go no eddie's not gonna sing and i go oh i thought we're gonna all gonna sing okay so i leave and then about two hours later yeah sandler's like you're up and i'm like i'm up i'm in bed i don't are we doing this and did you go back no he's too far away it was an hour right exactly there was a lull in that party after about two hours and that's when a group of people left i didn't know that we were supposed to stay and things were gonna you know there was gonna be an act too so i also i was we may as well have left together, David, David, like we've done so

many nights of our lives. So many times.
And I liked it because the party was fun, but it felt

like a long party and it felt like there's a cake and we weren't really bailing out. It was just like,

I thought they were trying to say scoot, you know, cause it's probably 30 people left.

Also, I feel like Gesundheit, if that was a sneeze. I also feel like I feel like L.A.
is so lame. You know what I mean? Like no one is out at till nine.
I mean, that's what time everyone goes to bed. Every party ends earlier.
It's just there's it's almost like it's so hard to even go out because the scene is kind of just so subdued. So people are sober it's it's just not what it used to be i'm gonna just throw that out there just throw that out there to talk to me as a fellow human being why anybody in their right mind would go to a hollywood party no isn't it the most hideous i mean i i give me i like four people at your house for dinner.
I'm not going to book it. That would be nice.
Five. One conversation's happening.
But the small talk derby, what's up with Chelsea? What's going on? Oh, yeah. God, I don't know how you guys deal with it.
Well, when it's hours of that and you keep walking to to the same people all night you don't want to say the eighth time you see them and yeah and it's also like you have to question why you're at parties like what what's your motivation why are you why am i here like am i promoting anything like am i why am i going to an oscar party i'm not nominated for an oscar why am i at the party like i always i'm like no it's a know, you got to show up once in a while to like refresh people's memories. But, um, I find LA to be, if I wish I, I want to, I want to have that place in New York.
That's going to be my, my goal. I think that's a little bit, it's too unhealthy.
Like I'm becoming almost elderly in this lifestyle. Whenever I'm here, which isn't frequently, I come back home and like last night I was supposed to go over for friends for dinner, which was the kind of event you're describing or dinner you're

describing Dana, which is actually sounded really nice, but even getting in my car and, and I am in

a compromised situation because I just had some surgery. So, you know, it's not fun.
I can't drink.

I can't really do anything, but I was going to get in my car and go over there. And I was like,

I don't think so. I don't think I would rather just sit here and watch mindless television and

Thank you. drink.
I can't really do anything. But I was going to get in my car and go over there.
And I was like, I don't think so. I don't think I would rather just sit here and watch mindless television and sleep as much as I can.
I think I overheard one of you lesbians saying that you slept for 11 hours last night. I did.
Yeah. Wow.
Wow. Did you masturbate to get yourself to sleep? No, but I woke up and I had completed the task and it was like, what the fuck was I dreaming?

Yeah, you can do it in your sleep.

Oh, yeah. So who started? What I meant was the movement in the stand up world with women, females, whatever you prefer.

And it seems to me that Joan Rivers made a turn where she really was more incendiary than the sixties, Joan. And then there's this continuum of female standups, just saying what they want.
And I put you, uh, in the, you know, you're like the leader kind of, in a way there's younger ones coming back. I don't know.
I mean, when did standup term for women where squirting jokes and stuff like that could come out, you know, who, who just anything goes. Yeah.
I don't know. I think it's like a rush of, it's like a wave, if you will, no pun intended of a wave of squirters talking about squirting and women, you know, the more, listen, we're all talking about the same stuff.
When you break down standup comedy, you're talking about your personal life, your relationships, your relationship to drugs and alcohol, you know, it's all the same pitter patter of ideas. And it's just like, how does your execution vary? So I guess if you, you know, the more women that are up talking about this, the more accepted it becomes by nature.
And there are more female comics than there have ever been. But I don't know when it started.
I mean, Joan certainly paved the way for all of us. I can say that.
I didn't really realize that until she was dead. You know, like I was like, no, I paved the way for myself.
I had an arrogance about my own success. Like Joan Rivers wasn't somebody I had looked up to.
And then, you know, when I did my homework and grew up a little bit, I realized how, how, what she went through and like, you know, going to the comedy clubs, like women didn't even get on stage without being like, you know, they would get on stage as characters, like housekeepers or, you know, maids or, or like, you know, just like, was kind of a character. Yeah.
right and joan was like being herself and dressing up and going to these gross comedy clubs and we all know how gross comedy clubs are they are yeah that's where all disease begins and i that's where the disease in my shoulder probably began and it's just it's just presenting now um but yeah she was ablazer, of course, which is an annoying word for some reason. I find that annoying.
I don't like when people call me a trailblazer either because I'm not out there with, you know, blazing trails. But I think that it's just good to see women succeed.
It's good to see women being taken seriously. And it's like the idea that women aren't funny is just so dumb.
And I know both of you know that. But like, you know, for so many men out there who really think that man, that comedy is just a men's game.
It's been so insulting for so long that you just kind of turn off that noise. Like, you know, when I was doing, for instance, my first talk show, Chelsea Lately, I didn't pay attention to any of that because it didn't, I didn night thinking, what was it like to be the only woman in late night? Those were just comparisons that everybody else made.
And I feel like if you spend too much time thinking about that aspect of it, it's taking away from your creative outlet anyway. You know what I mean? You should be creating, you should be doing your thing and not looking around to see what your competition is doing.
Because I certainly didn't look at David Letterman and think I was in competition with him. You know what I mean? I wasn't.
I was on the E-Network, you know? So that's what I think I have to say about that. Making a buzz on the E-Network, even though he's on network, but you're helping E get wider and more looked at, which is is interesting also when i go to the comedy store every you don't even blink every other comic is a female i mean everywhere you go it's not even like oh you're not one of the comedians you know how it used to be you'd be like wait there's a female comic on the show tonight it would be like rita rudner or something when i you know paula poundstone and uh right now there's so many so it's great i mean listen it's all if you got some game and there's they don't mention there's also bad male comedians so it's not like all the lots of them guy ones are good and the females are bad it's like if you're good you're good and so you see a nice mix um i've seen some on instagram that are funny just pop in my feed so you know i when i was growing up yeah it was like a the female comedian was referred to as they're saying they wouldn't say david letterman the guy and that was more prevalent this woman comedian and woman woman i see less of that more than just comedian and one thing's kind of cool about you is you produce the show for whitney right i mean you you do a lot of producing of things and for other people so yeah i did at that time well yeah whitney's show didn't really last too long but we tried and then we produced a show for ross matthews he wasn't really a production powerhouse at the time I was there.
So it was really hard to get.

We did so much. You what was i what was i where was i going with this we did so much producing whitney oh oh yeah it was really hard to get anything done in at e with them being behind anything like they were just trying to assuage me because we had a hit show so they'd be like oh you want to produce this great go ahead and then they'd be like oh it's not getting the numbers or whatever but you know it was hard to get anything going on Eve.
I mean, the Kardashians in my show were like, you know, and I don't know, Saving Sunset or whatever. It's Selling Sunset.
Saving Sunset. I think that was later.
You were really, you paved the way for shitty flip shows. Yeah.
Yeah. Eve really took a hit after I left and the Kardashians left.
Like, and actually i know this is probably coming out later but i'm about to host the critics choice awards which brings me back to eve this next friday night which is a full circle i'm going back to my birthplace i love that show when i first saw that show uh with you and the comedian stuff it was one of the first like lo-fi shows because cable was still coming up and stuff and so it there are shows that do that now but you know usually it was the band and the bump but i don't get you know so it was very cool how lo-fi it was and casual yeah it was very casual if you're just funny you don't need much you need a camera and then you got and then people like oh you don't need all this other noise because some of those shows there's only just this much comedy and there's little pieces but those are harder what you're doing because it's just like turn the cameras on let's just talk and we'll find things talk about and and it just blew up and that's why i agree when you left it was a big hit on that but also you know like it was so much fun because you guys are from SNL. So, you know, about like ensemble.
But what was so much fun about that show was that the casualness of it allowed us to like just book my friends on the roundtable. You know, so many comics that I didn't even know that I discovered on my own show whose careers have blown up.
Like, you know, Fortune Feimster or Joe Coy. to be on the round table like all these people so that and it was so unique in the fact that like at the time anyway because everyone's ripped off that show now too i mean david you've even ripped it off but like you and i don't believe ideas can be ripped off so i don't care anyway but like putting comics together when you know you become a comedian essentially to stand on a stage with a microphone alone like it's the most probably narcissistic you can be and so to put to have comics to have four comedians on a round table at the same time sharing space and actually having to listen to each other and riff off of each other was a joy and also kind of unexpected because you don't see comedians interacting that much.
No, Carson would in the

early days, he'd have people stay out there. So you might see Bob Hope and Don Rickles getting

a fight or something, you know, but that went away and it was one guest one out and then highly,

highly organized with an outline of what you're supposed to get to in the commercial breaks. And so since your thing was, I hate this, one of my least favorite words was just authentic that when the comedians were riffing, you knew it was happening in real time.
There wasn't a rehearsal. It's not a setup.
It's just ping pong, which made it really pop. So I see why it went on.
You can also do when I was doing David lately, which is not a rip off. When I was doing David lately, Davey lately, the part of the fun, the hosting is kind of hard, but if you're dishing off, you're not doing all the lifting anymore.
So you give someone a subject and now you're just tagging what they say on their jokes. And then someone else jumps in.
Now you're like, Oh shit. These, if you get good people in there that can just bullshit like that, and then people just like to see like they're at dinner and just, you're just bullshitting basically.
Yeah. And that's what's, you know, you hang out with comics all the time.
Like the best things that happen are never being filmed. So you're like, oh, wouldn't it be great if we could film these conversations, which is essentially what that show became.
Right. The green room, basically, you know, bring it out, bring it out front.
So what, um, well, I guess we should mention before we get going away is you have a, you have a book, right? Coming out. I have a book.
A book is called I'll have what she's having. That comes out February 25th on my 50th birthday.
And then my special is called the feeling. And that comes out on Netflix on March 25th, which is a month after my birthday.
So I don't know when this airs, but you can just piece it together. We'll do it.
Yeah. So the feeling is Netflix.
So which, because I remember I came to see, is it possible I came to see you at Caesars Palace once years and years and years ago? Did you ever play Caesars? Yeah, I do. I actually, yes, I used to play Caesars Palace.
Now I do a residency at Vegas where I perform once a month, which is how much time I'm willing to spend at vegas i perform once a month at the cosmopolitan at the chelsea theater so i perform inside myself but i was at caesars many years ago years and years because i think it was during maybe your show and i think brad wallach those guys were there i think i think i think uh how many specials have you done? Which one is this? I don't know, actually.

Four or five four or five okay how did this one feel because i think it's very hard i did a couple they suck because i just i when you know you have one there was a technical issue and you have one shot and you've kind of worked on this stuff in the little clubs and now you're in a barn with a 1400 seats and three balconies so how did this one feel like your experience of the other ones what you want to land is like a feeling basically of how you're authentically your best self on stage right not shooting a special in a sense you're well no i think you do treat it like you're shooting a special, but you're supposed to shoot two in a row, Dana. Sorry, David.
I would need a nap. I'm too weak and old to do two in a row.
I guess so, because that's how you don't screw it up. If you don't get what you want in the first set, then you know to get it in the second set.
Somebody should have definitely told you that. No, it's all right.
Or you can do two shows in two nights, more expensive, but you can do it. Yes, right.
Of course, you can do that. Well, okay, then topic-wise or material-wise, is there something that is a little surprising for your fans? This is just me asking off the top of my head.
Are you stretching the envelope further in terms of honesty? Because it's sort of your of like oh i'm always honest i'm always you know even more honest well yeah i mean these are some personal stories i have some i have a really great andrew cuomo story in this special a personal andrew cuomo story because i was trying to get penetrated by him during the pandemic i remember that training that you were going to try to fuck I. I remember it was going to be a live stream.
I know I wanted to also live stream it and I wanted to do it for my country because he just felt so like we had leadership at a time where we were so dehydrated for it. But I have a really good story in there about that.
I have a great George W. Bush story going to Kenny Bunkport compound, like on 40 milligrams of THC and having to interact with the president on a pickleball court, the former president.
So there's a little there's a lot of sharing. The feeling is actually a reference to something I did as a child to like the jungle gym at school to get a certain feeling around my Pikachu area that a lot of nine-year-old girls did.
And so that's a reference to that. I take you from my youth and to my adulthood and kind of telegraph the fact that I've always been this way.
But yes, the special felt great. You know, I'm at a point where I've done this for so long.
I'm very capable and confident in what I'm doing. I don't have, um, I don't, I'm not worried, you know, about it.
I, I, I, I'm like, you get to a certain point, I think in your career, as I, hopefully the two of you can also attest, you know what you're, you got, you're still here because you got yourself this far. So like, you know what you're doing, you don't have to be in your head about it anymore.
At a certain point, you realize that's just such a wasted energy and that you're successful because of you. So just keep doing you.
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This is a famous one. I think this is one of the first online job hiring entities, and it does make it easy.
It's a pain in the bottom. You have to interview tons of people.
They don't work out. You post your job.
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They're going to like walk you through it. It's, you know, you don't have time to even like figure out how to do this.
You just, you know, post your job for free or you can pay to promote it. Promoted jobs gets three times more qualified applicants.
You get qualified candidates. I've always heard this at the end of the day, the most important thing to your small business is the quality of candidates.

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I have a self-critical inside of my brain. If I do stand up in a club, one night from the other can be completely different.
If I get into a character or some idea, I like, I like it to be kind of riffing, partial material riffing, right? Right. But very hard with like 19 cameras.
I don't know why they need that many. Um, and then I get locked into doing my outline, like, okay, I've got to get to this next bit.
But if I was live, I go, Oh, I'm and do anthony fauci for 10 minutes so yeah yeah you can't do that during a special riffing it would be very difficult to capture because you don't know right unless you did 10 nights unless you did a lo-fi crew and did 10 nights but um so more crowd work that's tough yeah well one thing i was just, your take on this, hot take, that this era of Netflix special and comedians playing stadiums and arenas and multiple nights at Madison Square Garden. I don't know exactly when it started, but it's a phenomena.
And I don't know if one of our great female comics, sorry to put it in that box, has made that leap to arenas or Madison Square Garden. Or has someone done that? Yeah, Amy.
Well, I played Madison Square Garden, but I think I did the theater at Madison Square Garden. I've definitely done Radio City for multiple nights.
Amy Schumer played Madison Garden, I believe. There's 20,000, 18,000.
That's a big one. I mean, that's going to happen.
I mean, I, Amy did arenas. I did an arena tour, you know, at some point in my career, I don't do arenas now.
I do like usually three to 4,000 seaters, but like, I mean, I think it's going to happen. You know, there's so many people coming up, Taylor Tomlinson, you know, she sells tons of tickets.
Otsuko, Otsuko. Um, I mean, there's a ton.
So yeah, I think it's also a choice. You know, some comics don't want to move to that level.
Like it's, there's a, there's a level of intimacy. I remember dating Joe Coy and Joe Coy does, um, arenas and I would go and do guest sets at his shows.
And I'd be like, this is too many people. Like, how can you, I, I have so many facial expressions and like subtleties.
I, how can that be captured in such a big stadium or arena? And I remember getting off stage being like, Oh, it easily. So like, you kind of have this attitude, like, Oh, I got to keep it intimate.
But then when you're exposed to that kind of audience, you're like, well, this is fucking awesome. If they lock in, it's okay.
Yeah, you need screens. Yeah, there's always large screens.
Okay, that works. A lot of my jokes are very small.
They're not even jokes. Actually, it's not funny.
None of my stuff is funny. And so it's harder to play any room.
That is difficult for you, David, as a comedian to not have funny material and or be funny yourself it's a deficit you do so well under with all that um those those problems of not being funny and not having funny material i've been sometimes i do actually not on my own but when i play the bigger rooms with that adam or something same thing it's it's harder because you see guys like in the in the hallways where you like it's like at a concert where you see those guys, those guys selling beer over here. There's always someone talking.
There's always people. Not everyone's ever focused at once, but if they're locked into you, like if it's your crowd, I see, I always say Nate Bergazzi, his crowd, he plays big places and they're just waiting for like throwaway jokes, setup jokes.
They're laughing at setups and they're just like so intently listening. I go, that's the dream.
Just get people like waiting for every fucking thing you say instead of the big swings. You're like, yeah, but that would do, you know, you got to really sometimes to get everybody at once.
You go bigger. I don't know.
Yeah. No, I don't think you do now, David.
I don't think you do. I don't even know what's going on right now so what you're a busy uh human being entrepreneur i'd like the word entrepreneur even though i have no business we have a correction i have five books now do really well should people go buy this book i'll do a great great question um i you know what if you're into me and you're into my stories and you're into my humor go buy the book if you're not skip it like uh this is my seventh book i taught and my fifth or fourth stand-up special to be determined we still haven't figured that out and um i don't know i'm i'm uh i like to be i like to hustle you know what I mean? I like to do my own thing and I don't really like direction from people.
So as long as I, you are an entrepreneur, you're in charge of your career. You're not a, you're not someone for hire.
You do the hire. Right.
Right. Like I don't like to be, I have been hired for jobs, but you know, historically I work best when I'm my own boss.
So I do my podcast. I do my specials.

I do my books.

I do my like, you know, TV stuff.

But I try not to have a long term position where anyone is giving me notes on anything.

I would say the only time I've really not enjoyed show business is when I was working

with people with different sensibilities and they had power over me.

That's the worst feeling.

You know, they're offering. Oh, I just want some advice for a sec.
Like for a sec. They're asking me, can I write a book? You don't have to answer this in long form, but what's your advice to someone writing a book? Did you talk into a tape recorder? Did you have a writer's assistant? Do you just start throwing stuff at the wall? How do you do it? You have a book, Dana.
I think I have your book. Don't you? I don't think.
No, I didn't. Oh, maybe I'm thinking of your book, David.
My book would be too dark. I mean, no one would believe it is the problem, you know, because I, you know, don't have that image, but you know.
Well, I think it's pretty, I mean, listen, I think as long as you're honest, for me, I just think honesty is a commodity. There's a lack of it.
People are a little bit scared of honesty and like conflict and uncomfortable things. So I like to like kind of go ahead, like head first into that stuff.
And that works for me. And it's like, whatever your point of view is, I think anyone can write a fucking book, especially like in our industry and everybody does.
So that should be your first, you know, barometer that you, you can do it. And your stories, the reason why they're yours is because they're not believable.
Like everyone's stories you could say that about. So I would say, I don't use it now.
I don't use a writer's assistant. When I write my books, I do it all by myself.
And I just start writing. I sit down on the computer.
Yeah, I type everything on a computer. And then I have an editor look at it.
And then when it's like shaped and it's in some sort of form, I'll start sharing it with people. But usually I don't like too much feedback.
I have like three or four people whose opinions I respect. And then based on that, I'll be like, okay, I'll'll go to them from the cover or the title or, um, you know, like my editor named this book, I'll have what she's having.
I was like, I'm not naming a book. I'll have what she's having about myself.
That's so stupid. And she's like, no, that's how you feel after reading the book.
I'm telling you, you want what you're having. And I was like, okay.
And then I had to think about it. Cause usually I was like, that's a little, but then I was like, yeah, you're right.
I want people. That's what I want to inject people with.
It's like a little bit of optimism and, and, and sad, dark times. What about when Harry met Sally, where she says I'll have what she's having.
Was there any conversation of maybe not referring to a famous romantic comedy? That's part of the famous. No, that's part of the reference.

Oh, that's part of it.

Yeah. So this is what you have to learn about books.
It's kind of like, you know, we have a lot to learn, Deva. Yeah, we're that tight.
We go by one name, Deva. But thank you.
The only thing I'd be interested in for you is like, you're very honest, but then you'll get to a chapter or a point or a story where you you're gonna hurt somebody maybe um and you like them or you don't like them do you how do you navigate feelings or you just you know do you just navigate that a little bit it's a judgment call should i bury this person at the party where they were drunk or keep it in? Stuff like that. Well, you have to legally shroud people's identity unless they're a public figure.
So like if I have my story about Andrew Cuomo, which happens to be in my stand up special and in my book, there's a crossover. It's two kind of different.
Like there's way more room for detail and everything in the book, but he's a public figure. So I tell like one version of that story in the book and I tell, I mean, it's the same version, but you know, different storytelling styles for standup for books.
But like for him, I don't have to ask permission because everything I'm telling is true for a friend of mine that I'm writing about who I like, who isn't a public figure that I'm saying something embarrassing or bad about, like I have to shroud her identity so that no one will read it and recognize who you're talking about. So sometimes it's like, I'll make up a character, I'll make a guy, a girl, or make a, you know, you make them a different age, a different part of the world they live in and blah, blah, blah, just to kind of shroud their identity.
But that's what you have to do when you write books also. I've gotten all I need today.
Thank you. This is your motivational talk for you guys this morning, for both of you, Deva.
I have a question about your, you don't like bosses at work, but do you like when you date someone, do you like to be bossed around? A boss in the bedroom? I mean, I like being sexually bossed around. I mean, no one's really going to boss me around because that's just not going to happen.
You know what I mean? I don't have time for that. But I do like sexually when somebody kind of tosses me around and tells me to shut up or pushes my head down.
You know, like playful sex. I like that.
Into the wall. Did Joe Coy do that? Probably when I asked him to.
You got to tell guys luckily these days that you want that and that you want to get... I'm sure Joe Coy was a little bit trying to throw me around.
I'm sure. Did you call him Joe Coy when you were dating.
During sex all the time, I would go, oh my God, Joe Coy. Joe Coy.
Oh my God, Joe Coy. Are you in? What's happening? I've never heard anyone just call him Joe.
I think it's always Joe Coy. I didn't know that he didn't know how to spell Joe Coy.
I thought Joe Coy. I thought J-O-K-O-Y was like his birth name.
One name. And his name is actually Joe.
And then Koi is a made up name. So, and then he combined Joe Koi.
Joe Koi. So, I don't know.
Fucking worked, yeah. Yeah.
So, that was actually difficult when I was writing the book. I said, there's a chapter about, I talk about my relationship with Joe Koi.
And, I I'm a real big on spelling and grammar.

Like I find it to be a turn on when also people pay attention to spelling and grammar.

And so I,

he spells his name J O K O Y.

And I had to spell it J O E.

And then K O Y.

And his face I did.

I couldn't spell it that way that he wants people to spell it just out of respect for myself it's not an actual name in the english language j-o i associate with a female well that's right women are who are named joe it's joe and he's spelling his name like a woman so i had to respect him because i know he doesn't present doesn't identify as a woman. So I wanted to spell his name correctly, just by chance he might see it and learn how to spell his own name.
Yeah. Well, it's whimsical a little bit, you know, I don't know, Joe, you know, Joe's like a Joe guy, you know, Joe, Joe, Joe.
Yeah. I wouldn't do it just because it's a female name.
Like I would change. Maybe he doesn't, maybe didn't know that.
Joe from little women you're talking. There's not that many JOs out there.
Like you, who's the better standup on their best night? You or Joe Coy. Oh, I would.
Well, Joe's a great stand up. I would never say that I'm a better.
He's great.

I mean, he is very good at what he does.

So it would help if you said you were better.

I would never say that about any comic.

I don't need to say that.

He's powerful.

Definitely.

He's physical.

He does a lot of voices of other.

Yes.

People around the world. You're different comics.
You'll say that. That's actually that's that's completely opposite ends of the spectrum exactly it would like it'd be like comparing an apple to a pineapple to a type thank you yeah to a dyson it would like be comparing a clean air what is this called an air doctor we all have to get air doctors right after the fire it would be like comparing a clean air.
What is this called? An air doctor? We all have to get air doctors, right? After the fires. It would be like comparing an apple to an air doctor.
It would be like comparing a pretzel to the lunar module. Yeah.
Yes. That's right.
David, you're up. It would be like, oh, I don't have any good ones to that.
But I was saying that maybe Chelsea. The chemistry between the two of you is palpable.
And I think the chemistry between the three of us is very intriguing as well. So palpable is good? Palpable is, yeah, something you can almost, you can feel it and you can touch it almost.
When you date a guy, do you feel like you're a little intimidating or guys scared to ask you out? I think men are very disturbed by me. Yes.
I think they find me off-putting and some men really love me and that's nice. But I think as men in general straight guys above a certain age are a little bit put off by me.
I'm not trying to be intimidating or to turn people off. I just have that essence about myself.
And I can't really. It doesn't seem like you're out trying to turn them on either.
You're not like thirstily going after guys. You're just doing.
When was the last time you had sex? Oh, just a few weeks ago. I have a mountain a mountain i have a mountain lover i have a i have a mountain man that i have sex with in my mountain house in whistler canada where i ski so right now i'm in la and usually in the winter time i have sex with a mountain man and does the mountain man have a big burly beard and really husky what is it a lot of how is he What are you getting at has a big he has a beard it's not burly like what you're envisioning but he has a beard he definitely looks like he's from the mountain you know what i mean is it burt kreischer it is not burt kreischer no no he has never been on top of me inside of me i don't think he's been on top of anyone except for his own wife so that's probably for the best.
That's sweet. We're going to spin that sweet.
Well, you have a mountain man in a cabin. You've got a bestselling book about to happen.
Dial it in. You've got a special.
I mean, what don't you have right now? A baby. I don't have a baby.
Thank God. So there's that.
I think about all the things that I don't have that I'm grateful that I don't have, like a husband. I never wanted to be married.
I just find that idea. I can't believe you've never gotten married, David.
Did you get married one time? I don't think so. Good for you for making that decision.
Dana, what about you? Have you been married? It's hard to make that decision, to be honest. I was just born to be married.
I've been married for 42 years. Oh, wow.
Congrats on that. That's nice.
I guess so. That's why Dana and I have all the sexual tension between us.
I just had a really weird childhood and I just, uh, I would get, the walls would close in on me over time. Uh, if I was just alone too, too much, you know? So if you, when you, when you've had a great boyfriend and he's not, you're not married to him and you're watching TV and you're having fun and you have your separate career in life, that's fun, right? Because it's, you get to share stuff.
It's fun, right? You don't have to get married though. No, no, no, no.
Yeah. No, I'm with David.
I mean, David and I probably have some similar, um, dating like just to have an open field. And even if I am dating someone, it's very clear.

Like this is not, you know, this is nice and everything, but there's not going to be any sort of long-term commitment made ever.

And that's not the way I roll.

I don't think I've ever had that conversation.

That's great. I think it's harder for guys to have that conversation.

Or guys that look like me.

Bill Maher always says to me, everyone wants me to get married. I go, no one wants you to get married.
You don't have to get married. Married people don't think that you've all got to be married.
Especially Bill Maher. Who's worried about Bill Maher getting married? Who? No one.
He says friends. Yeah, exactly.
I go to Chelsea at things just to go laugh because she's always going to say something snipey and funny about somebody. It's fucking always funny.
You're always good to, I think I've even been to your house. I don't know if it's that house.
No, this is a new house. You know whose house I fucking bought? RFK.
RFK Jr.'s house is the house. And he and Cheryl Hines, I bought this house.
I didn't know that they owned the house when I bought it, which would have been a huge-

Take out the weight room.

Why do you, I mean, I have an, I've had an infection ever since I moved into this house

and I believe it's from him.

He's supposed to be a health guy and you got-

He's supposed to have infections.

Look at this, it's from, look at this bruise. It's from my IV.
I have to have a daily intravenous. Yeah.
Like I thought that was from a rough up session with mountain man. With Joe Coy.
I'm on antibiotics right now. Yeah.
Are you? Congratulations. Me too.
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I did a benefit for the cardiovascular whatever and I think Ryan Seacrest was on it. But it was a horrible environment.
And I went out there and it was pulling a tractor and I bombed. And I came outside.
And I think you might have been smoking a cigarette. I don't even know if you smoke.
But you seem like incredibly cool and confident. And you sort of went, how many of these do you do? Like you basically, in my mind, you were saying to me, why would you do this? And I had the disease to please and say yes.
And so that's how I remember you. And I thought you were very cool.
Oh, well, that's cute. Yeah, I'm just cute.
Chelsea, part of her attraction is she's very pretty, but she's very like kind of a tough chick that you have to,'ve everyone feels like they have to win over because she's not easily like doesn't she we're referring to you now chels yeah he doesn't stuff i thought she hung up she doesn't suffer fools i would not say you got to throw something out of that's decent because she's not gonna she's gonna see there's a hurt little girl in there somewhere and a vulnerable person behind that. Yeah, that's what I'm looking for.
There's a doy, sentimental, cries. A real softie.
I think everyone has. By the way, I like that she's texting during this.
Anyway, we're giving you all these compliments and you're like texting. I'm just texting.
I'm texting the police. You're going, can we wrap this up? Okay, I have two questions.
So Sting is going to be on the podcast. Okay, sorry.
I have to say, here's two names for your next specials. Okay.
One is more honester. That's not bad.
Oh, that's not bad. I like that, actually.
More honester. Because you're always honest, but you have another special.
I've got one. I've got the balls okay okay and here's one more so those are two suggestions yeah here's one more i don't have a baby thank god that's right it's not a bad one because people are like oh i want to hear what that shit's all about you can never feel like yeah i feel like i've said that so many times that i like more honest or though that's a good

one i'm actually going to put that in my notes section two words yeah three two words three syllables mine was intentionally i was going through the worst title ever so his is actually good i think you know how about just chelsea with an exclamation point?

She's already done that.

Oh, she's already done that.

I've done it.

Everything is names and eponymously.

She spun that name.

I've used that name off.

I need a new fucking name.

You know, it's funny.

Whitney and Chelsea, like there's Eliza.

A lot of the female comics, you know them by one name.

You don't know me by date. You know what I mean?

Everyone knows you by spade. Spade, yeah.
You guys them by one name. You don't know me by date.
You know what I mean? Everyone knows you by Spade.

You guys go by last names.

Well, some of the girls do too.

Guys go by last names.

Yeah, it's true.

Sandler, Rock, Spade.

We even call each other that.

Yeah.

Yeah, you do.

That's right.

Speaking of Hollywood parties,

are you going to Guy O'Carrie's house tomorrow night, night david oh i'm not because i have a fucking casino gig oh dear well i would love it that's fun i would like to see you there i know i was just gonna see if you wanted to go with me on my plus as my plus one but you're i can't believe i or as you're you know if you were but. Well, those are fun because he never says who's going and I never ask.

I just go, I'll just go and see what's going on.

But I, I were shoot, I'm shooting this independent right now film.

And this is my first day off in a while.

And I definitely wanted to do this with you because we,

it's been hard to sort of organize, but then tomorrow I have to go to a,

a show I had booked before I did this. So I am going to miss it.

I would like to do that. It's a fun night.

Well, I hope... to organize but then tomorrow i have to go to a may a show i had booked before i did this so i am going to miss it i would like to do that it's a fun night well i hope you have a great time at your casino gig what what what city is that in no one knows it's um exactly you go and casinos are pretty tricky they're fun though and when you get there they're not bad is it with nik Glaser? No.
No. No, we do a Vegas thing, sort of like Chelsea sometimes.
And those are fun, too. At least Vegas, you can stay up late, Chelsea.
Yeah, I like to gamble. I like to play with lots of money and gamble.
So I do my show. Usually, I have a bunch of friends or family or whoever.
They come and they get a block of rooms. We hook them up, they come out, fly out with me.
And then we gamble. And I, you know, I love gambling.
I love blackjack. I love supplying everyone with money to gamble for people who don't have money to throw around.
And I always start with a certain number and I always leave. And I always, always walk out with more money.
Like I am so lucky with gambling and i have made that casino i believe luckier what do you play blackjack what are you playing yeah miracle ear i just fucking said it i know well i have a fever antibiotics i'm also on antibiotics with a fever just fyi okay so stop your complaining I apologize. I'm perfectly healthy.
So you're on antibiotics? Yeah, intravenous. Look at this, you guys.

I have a pick line in my arm shit i have like a massive infection amy winehouse i know i know it's embarrassing i'm like falling apart at the seams but i mean i'll be okay just like you'll be okay dana carvey once you get carvey the whole name. I'll be okay.
Just like you'll be okay, Dana Carvey. Once you get Carvey, the whole name.
Listen, I have a question. Okay.
Ms. Handler.
Me is the toughest one. That's the special.
That's what George Bush called me when we met at his Kenny Bunford. He kept calling me Ms.
Handler, like to really enunciate the, like for my Ms. Handler, this unmarried Hylian.
He likes to laugh, that guy, W. Harlot, yeah.
He makes Jezebel. Yeah, well, you would know, Dana.
I mean, you played him for so many years. That's your guy.
Well, you mean Bush Sr. Oh, right.
Didn't't you play him too? No, I'm talking about Bush Jr. Well, I played Jr.
just in my stand-up, but Will Ferrell did him on SNL. But I played him.
Everybody does W. He's a funny character.
My podcast is called Dear Chelsea. People call in for real-life advice.
And it's it's yeah so it's not like anything you guys would ever listen to you take phone calls from fans and from real people no not fans people who have fucking problems and they call in and i consider myself like a medical doctor yeah i'm pretty smart about giving advice to people i'm really good at it and i And I'm really a good, like motivator, like go get your shit together and get, you know, make a good life decision. So yeah, I have a podcast called Dear Chelsea and I'm really excited actually guys to be spending this.
It feels like a Saturday morning today, doesn't it? It's Friday, but it feels like a Saturday morning. I swear.
I thought it was Saturday. This is the earliest we've done one.
I don't think we've ever done one earlier. Yeah.
Never. Okay.
Well, maybe that explains- I like that. I get up early, so I like this.
So do I. I always get up early, wherever I am in the world.
They said you have to be at the Beverly Center at 10, so we'll let you go. I guess you got to use coffee.
The Beverly Center? I fucking hope not. My thought.
That's what they told us. I fucking hate malls.
I grew up in new jersey as you know livingston new jersey which you mentioned previously and i have had my run and fill of shopping malls so please don't mention any shopping mall to me again because i'm i'm wrapped well where are you gonna go to lady footlocker they just have them on the street well don't you love don't you love a good food court though you mean, though? You mean Sabaro? Yes, I do. A&W? Oh, A&W.
Now we're talking, finally. No, Panda Express.
I do not like Panda Express. I would like to put that out there on the record.
Put it out there for future dates. Spade's going to get a Wendy's hamburger at some point today.
Are you? I do still eat that once in a while. Yeah.
I, I used to like Wendy's chicken nuggets, but you know, those that's not chicken. And I had to come to terms with that, even though they're like my favorite fucking snack.
I just had to eventually just be like, what am I putting in my body? You know, I put so many chemicals in it already. Does it really need these chicken nuggets to put me over the top? Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
That doesn chelsea i think we'll let you go you did a great job and uh i just want to say lastly you did use the word assuage is that what you said earlier a suage a suage it's great i wrote it down good job okay great i learned i learned one i think you learned a few words today quite frankly by the way when i text i gotta if i text you, I have to be less like yo, yo, yo, because I talk like a rapper. So I'll do all the spelling stuff for you.
Okay, well, don't worry. I don't think anyone's confusing you with a rapper.
Make sure you change that rap after we hang up. ASAP, Spady.
Change your rap on your arm. Oh, yeah, Chelsea.
Let's get you choppered out of there. Things aren't going well.
Yeah. It's always been like this, you guys.
This is my life for the next week. So it's okay.
Don't worry. I'll survive.
Well, you're perfectly charming on here. Thank you for doing it.
Thank you. Nice hanging out.
And I don't know who said this to me, but we'll see you around campus. Yeah, we'll see you around campus.
Okay, great. Goodbye, Dana, David, and David.

Goodbye, Chelsea.

Goodbye, sweetheart.

Goodbye.

This has been a presentation of Odyssey.

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Fly on the Wall is executive produced by Dana Carvey

and David Spade, Jenna Weiss-Berman of Odyssey,

and Heather Santoro.

The show's lead producer is Greg Holtzman.