Chelsea Handler

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Speaker 2 Our guest today is Chelsea Handler. The one of a kind.
Chelsea Handler. Chelsea Handler.

Speaker 1 Friend of the show. I've known her for a while.
I used to see her out, been to her house.

Speaker 1 We had a friend's night over there once.

Speaker 2 She's very, well, I would say quite wealthy.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I think that's a safe.

Speaker 2 I would say so. She started, potentially, she started this sort of genre, Chelsea, lately on E,

Speaker 2 her with like five comedians that are not especially famous at that moment, and they do become famous from the show, and she leads it. So, that she's kind of a, I'm going to call her a trailblazer.

Speaker 2 Whoa, okay. She's a pistol, she says what's on her mind, she doesn't hold back.

Speaker 1 Very true. She's a traveling comedian, also.
She does a lot of things, but she sells out some big venues.

Speaker 1 And when she goes on the road, I think I saw it at Caesar's Palace years back and does a good job. Also has a book out.
I'll have what she's having. She also has a special out.

Speaker 2 The feeling.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, also, I gave her an idea for her next special, a title. We talk about how to name specials.
We talk about her dating life.

Speaker 1 She's pretty easy about answering anything.

Speaker 2 She is oh so single, doesn't want to get married, but she does. We will talk about

Speaker 2 her current boyfriend, who she described as a mountain man who lives in the mountains, and she goes and visits her mountain man.

Speaker 2 That was an interesting choice.

Speaker 1 Possible boyfriend. I'm not sure how she

Speaker 1 describes it, but a guy she does hang out with. And

Speaker 1 this is a world of people hanging out with people.

Speaker 2 Yeah. This is a world of people.
And this is what you're going to hear us hanging out with Chelsea.

Speaker 2 Well, not that way, but yeah. Our over talk rate was pretty decent: 3.4 per 10 seconds of chatter.

Speaker 1 Per milliliter. Yeah, we did pretty good on that.

Speaker 1 And I think you'll enjoy it. Let's get her going.

Speaker 5 Oh, my God, penises. Hi, my two penis-faced buddies.

Speaker 4 I don't know.

Speaker 1 I saw Chelsea recently, Dana, at a little backyard get together.

Speaker 4 Oh.

Speaker 3 Remember, I came over here on the couch. I said, hi.

Speaker 5 Was it at Ted's house?

Speaker 3 It was at Gervitz's, our manager.

Speaker 5 Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes. That was a really fun party.
Apparently, I left that party too early. I heard it went all night long, and that you got on stage and sang.

Speaker 3 No, you know what? That was the idea. There was, it was going to be people would sing.
But by the way, I got there at seven because everyone was a little older.

Speaker 3 So I got there at seven going, oh, no, no one's going to be there yet. And then people are leaving.
I go, wait,

Speaker 3 this is, I'm the old guy, but I wasn't the oldest guy there for once. And uh, and then Dana, I don't think you went to that one, but after about nine, it was kind of slowing down.

Speaker 3 And then I goes, Are they going to sing? And they're like, No, they did a birthday cake. And then they go, and then his daughter sang.
Remember that, Chelsea?

Speaker 4 Yeah, yeah,

Speaker 3 lovely song. And then I said, I guess that's it.
And they go, no, Eddie's not going to sing. And I go, oh, I thought we're all going to sing.
Okay. So I leave.
And then about two hours later,

Speaker 4 Sam was like, you're up.

Speaker 3 And I'm like, I'm up. I'm in bed.
I don't.

Speaker 4 Are we doing this?

Speaker 5 And did you go back?

Speaker 3 No, he's too far away.

Speaker 4 It was an hour. Right.

Speaker 5 Exactly. There was a lull in that party after about two hours.
And that's when a group of people left.

Speaker 5 I didn't know that we were supposed to stay and things were going to, you know, there was going to be an act too. So I also, I was, we may as well have left together, David.

Speaker 5 David, like we've done so many nights of our lives.

Speaker 3 So many times. And I liked liked it because the party was fun, but it felt like a long party and it felt like there's a cake.

Speaker 4 And we weren't really bailing out.

Speaker 3 It was just like, I thought they were trying to say scoot, you know, because there's probably 30 people left.

Speaker 5 Also, I feel like because I'm tight, if that was a sneeze, Dana,

Speaker 4 I also feel like

Speaker 5 I feel like LA is so lame.

Speaker 5 You know what I mean? Like no one is out. at till nine.
I mean, that's what time everyone goes to bed. Every party ends earlier.

Speaker 5 It's just, it's it's almost like it's so hard to even go out because the scene is kind of just so subdued. So many people are sober.

Speaker 5 It's just not what it used to be. I'm going to just throw that out there.

Speaker 4 I was going to throw that out there to talk to you. Explain to me as a fellow human being why anybody in their right mind would go to a Hollywood party.
No. Isn't it the most hideous?

Speaker 4 I mean, I give me, I like

Speaker 4 four people at your house for dinner. I'm not going to book it.
That would be nice. Five, one conversations happening.
But the small talk

Speaker 4 derby, what's up with Chelsea? What's going on? Oh, yeah. You know, God, I don't know how you guys deal with it.

Speaker 3 Well, when it's hours of that, and you keep walking to the same people all night, you don't know what to say the eighth time you see them.

Speaker 5 Yeah. And it's also like you have to question why you're at parties.
Like, what, what's your motivation? Why are you? Why am I here? Like, am I promoting anything?

Speaker 5 Like, am I, why am I going to an Oscar party?

Speaker 5 I'm not nominated for an oscar why am i at the party like i always am like no it's like you know you got to show up once in a while to like refresh people's memories but um i find la to be i wish i i i want to i want to have that place in new york that's going to be my my goal i think that's a little bit it's too unhealthy like i'm becoming almost elderly in this lifestyle whenever i'm here which isn't frequently i come back home and like last night i was supposed to go over for a friend's for dinner which was the kind of event you're describing or dinner you're describing, Dana, which is actually sounded really nice.

Speaker 5 But even getting in my car and I am in a compromised situation because I just had some surgery, so you know, it's not fun. I can't drink, I can't really do anything.

Speaker 5 But I was gonna get in my car and go over there, and I was like, I don't think so. I don't think I would rather just sit here and watch mindless television and sleep as much as I can.

Speaker 5 I think I overheard one of you lesbians is saying that you slept for 11 hours last night.

Speaker 3 I did.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 4 Wow. Wow.
Did you masturbate to get yourself to sleep?

Speaker 4 No, but I woke up and I had completed the task. And it was like, what the fuck was I dreaming about? Yeah, you can do it in your sleep.
Oh, yeah. So, who started that?

Speaker 4 What I meant was the movement in the stand-up world with women, females, whatever you prefer. And it seems to me that Joan Rivers made a turn where she really was more incendiary than the 60s, Joan.

Speaker 4 And then there's this continuum of female stand-ups just saying what they want. And I put you

Speaker 4 in the, you know, you're like the leader, kind of in a way. There's younger ones coming back.
I don't know. I mean,

Speaker 4 when did stand-up turn for women where squirting jokes and stuff like that could come out? You know, who just anything goes?

Speaker 5 Yeah, I don't know.

Speaker 5 I think it's like a rush of, it's like a wave, if you will, no pun intended, of a wave of squirters talking about squirting and women you know the more listen we're all talking about the same stuff when you break down stand-up comedy you're talking about your personal life your relationships your relationship to drugs and alcohol you know it's all the same hitter patter of id

Speaker 5 ideas and it's just like how does your execution vary so i guess if you it's you know the more women that are up talking about this the more accepted it becomes by nature and there are more female comics than there have ever been but i don't know when it started i mean mean, Joan certainly paved the way for all of us.

Speaker 5 I can say that.

Speaker 5 I didn't really realize that until she was dead. You know, like, I, I, I was like, no, I paved the way for myself.
I had an arrogance about my own success.

Speaker 5 Like, Joan Rivers wasn't somebody I had looked up to. And then, you know, when I did my homework and grew up a little bit, I realized how

Speaker 5 what she went through.

Speaker 5 And like, you know, going to the comedy clubs, like women didn't even get on stage without being like, you know, they would get on stage as characters, like housekeepers or, you you know, maids or, or like, you know, just like.

Speaker 4 Was kind of a character.

Speaker 5 Yeah, right. And Joan was like being herself and dressing up and going to these gross comedy clubs.

Speaker 4 I mean, we all know how gross comedy

Speaker 4 clubs are. They are.

Speaker 5 That's where all disease begins. And I, that's where the disease in my shoulder probably began.
And it's just, it's just presenting now.

Speaker 5 But yeah, she was a trailblazer, of course, which is an annoying word for some reason. I find that annoying.

Speaker 5 I don't like when people call me a trailblazer either because I'm not out there with, you know, blazing trails. But I think that

Speaker 5 it's just good to see women succeed. It's good to see women being taken seriously.
And it's like the idea that women aren't funny is just so dumb. And I know both of you know that.

Speaker 5 But like, you know, for so many men out there who really think that man, that comedy is just a men's game.

Speaker 5 It's been so insulting for so long that you just kind of turn off that noise.

Speaker 5 Like, you know, when I was doing, for instance, my first talk show, Chelsea Lately, I didn't pay attention to any of that because it didn't, I didn't go home at night thinking, what was it like to be the only woman in late night?

Speaker 5 Those were just comparisons that everybody else made. And I feel like if you spend too much time thinking about that aspect of it, you're, it's taking away from your creative outlet anyway.

Speaker 5 You know what I mean? You should be creating, you should be doing your thing and not looking around to see what your

Speaker 5 competition is doing. Because I certainly didn't look at David Letterman and think I was in competition with him.
You know what I mean? I I wasn't, I was on the e-network, you know.

Speaker 5 So

Speaker 5 that's what I think I have to say about that.

Speaker 3 Making a buzz on the e-network, even though he's making he's on network, but you're helping E get wider and more looked at, which is interesting.

Speaker 4 Also, when I go to the comedy store, every

Speaker 4 you don't even blink. Every other comic is a female.

Speaker 3 I mean, everywhere you go, it's not even like, oh, you're not one of the comedians.

Speaker 3 You know, I used to be, you'd be like, wait, there's a female comic on the show tonight. It would be like Rita Rudner or something when I, you know, Paula Poundstone.
And

Speaker 3 now there's so many. So it's great.
I mean, listen, it's all if you got some game. And there's, they don't mention there's also bad male comedians.

Speaker 4 So it's not like all

Speaker 3 guy ones are good and the females are bad. It's like, if you're good, you're good.
And so you see a nice mix.

Speaker 3 I've seen some on Instagram that are funny. They just pop in my feed.

Speaker 4 So, you know, when I was growing up, yeah, it was like

Speaker 4 the female comedian was referred to as they're saying, they wouldn't say David Letterman, the guy. And that was more prevalent.

Speaker 4 This woman, comedian, and woman, woman, I see less of that more than just comedian. And one thing's kind of cool about you is you produced a show for Whitney, right?

Speaker 4 I mean, you, you do a lot of producing of. things and for other people.

Speaker 5 So yeah, I did at that time. Well, yeah, Whitney's show didn't really last too long, but we tried.
And then we produced a show for Rouse Matthews.

Speaker 5 He wasn't really a production powerhouse at the time I was there. So it was really hard to get.

Speaker 5 We did After Lately, David, you were on that show with us, which was like a satire of Chelsea Lately, where I was just like a really exaggerated version of, you know, the

Speaker 5 country that I am.

Speaker 4 But we, we did, we did so much.

Speaker 5 Like,

Speaker 5 what was I, what was I, where was I going with this? We did so much.

Speaker 4 Producing Whitney.

Speaker 5 Oh, yeah, it was really hard to get anything done at E with them being behind anything. Like, they were just trying to assuage me because we had a hit show.

Speaker 5 So they'd be like, oh, you want to produce this? Great.

Speaker 4 Go ahead.

Speaker 5 And then they'd be like, oh, it's not getting the numbers or whatever. But, you know, it was hard to get anything going on E.

Speaker 5 I mean, the Kardashians in my show were like, you know, and I don't know, saving sunset or whatever. It's selling sunset.

Speaker 4 Saving sunset. I think that was later.
You were really,

Speaker 3 you paved the way for shitty flips.

Speaker 5 Yeah. He really took a hit after I laughed and the Kardashians laughed.

Speaker 5 Like, and actually, I know this is probably coming out later, but I'm about to host the Critics' Choice Awards, which brings me back to E this next Friday night, which is a full circle.

Speaker 5 I'm going back to my birthplace. I love that show.

Speaker 4 When I first saw that show with you and the comedian stuff, it was one of the first like lo-fi shows because cable was still coming up and stuff. And so

Speaker 4 there are shows that do that now, but you know, usually it was the band and the bump, bad and, you know, so it was very cool how lo-fi it was and casual. Thank you.

Speaker 5 Yeah, it was very casual.

Speaker 4 If you're just funny, you don't need much.

Speaker 3 You need a camera.

Speaker 3 And then you got, and then people are like, oh, you don't need all this other noise because some of those shows, there's only just this much comedy and there's little pieces, but those are harder what you're doing because.

Speaker 5 it's just like turn the cameras on let's just talk and we'll find things to talk about and and it just blew up and that's why i i agree when you left it was a big hit on there but also you know like it was so much fun because you guys are from snl so you know about like ensemble but what was so much fun about that show was that the the cat the casualness of it allowed us to like just book my friends on the roundtable you know so many comics that i didn't even know that i discovered on my own show whose careers have blown up like you know fortune themester or joe coy like kevin hart used to be on the roundtable like all these people so that and it was so unique in the fact that, like, at the time, anyway, because everyone's ripped off that show now, too.

Speaker 5 I mean, David, you've even ripped it off, but like you, and I don't believe ideas can be ripped off, so I don't care anyway, but like putting comics together when you know you become a comedian essentially to stand on a stage with a microphone alone.

Speaker 5 Like it's the most probably narcissistic you can be.

Speaker 5 And so to put, to have comics, to have four comedians on a roundtable at the same time sharing space and actually having to listen to each other and riff off of each other was a joy and also kind of unexpected because you don't see comedians interacting that much.

Speaker 4 No, Carson would in the early days, he'd have people stay out there.

Speaker 4 So you might see Bob Hope and Don Rickles get in a fight or something, you know, but that went away and it was one guest, one out, and then highly, highly organized with an outline of what you're supposed to get to in the commercial breaks.

Speaker 4 And so, since your thing was, I hate this, one of my least favorite words was this authentic that when the comedians were riffing, you knew it was happening real time. There wasn't a rehearsal.

Speaker 4 It's not a static, it's just ping-pong, which made it really pop. So, I see why it went on.

Speaker 3 Well, you can also do when I was doing David lately,

Speaker 3 which is not a ripoff. When I was doing

Speaker 4 Davy Lately,

Speaker 3 the part of the fun, hosting is kind of hard, but if you're dishing off, you're not doing all the lifting anymore.

Speaker 3 So you give someone a subject and now you're just tagging what they say on their jokes. And then someone else jumps in.
Now you're like, oh, shit.

Speaker 3 If you get good people in there that can just bullshit like that, and then people just like to see like they're at dinner, you're just bullshitting basically.

Speaker 5 Yeah. And that's what's, you know, you hang out with comics all the time.
Like the best things that happen are never being filmed.

Speaker 5 So you're like, oh, wouldn't it be great if we could film these conversations? which is essentially what that show became.

Speaker 4 Right. The green room, basically.
You know, it was

Speaker 4 bring it out. Bring it out front.
So what, um,

Speaker 4 well, I guess we should mention before we take the show and away is you have a, you have a book, right, coming out? I have a book.

Speaker 5 A book is called I'll Have What She's Having. That comes out February 25th on my 50th birthday.
And then my special is called The Feeling.

Speaker 5 And that comes out on Netflix on March 25th, which is a month after my birthday. So I don't know when this airs, but you can just piece it together however you'd like.

Speaker 4 All right. Well, yeah.

Speaker 3 So the feeling is Netflix. So which

Speaker 3 because I remember, I came to see, is it possible I came to see you at Caesar's Palace once, years and years and years ago?

Speaker 4 Did you ever play Caesar's Palace?

Speaker 5 Yeah, I do. I actually, yes, I used to play Caesars Palace.
Now I do a residency at Vegas where I perform once a month, which is how much time I'm willing to spend at Vegas.

Speaker 5 I perform once a month at the Cosmopolitan at the Chelsea Theater. So I perform inside myself.
But I was at Caesars many years ago.

Speaker 4 Years and years.

Speaker 3 Because I think it was during maybe your show. And I think Brad Wallach, those guys were there.
I think, I think, I think.

Speaker 4 How many specials have you done? Which one is this?

Speaker 4 I don't know, actually.

Speaker 5 Four or five. Four or five.

Speaker 4 Probably five. How did this one feel? Because I think it's very hard.
I did a couple. They sucked because I just,

Speaker 4 when you know you you have one, there was a technical issue and you have one shot and you've kind of worked on this stuff in little clubs and now you're in a barn with 1,400 seats and three balconies.

Speaker 4 So how did this one feel? Like your experience of the other ones, what you want to land is like a feeling, basically, of how you're authentically your best self on stage, right?

Speaker 4 Not shooting a special.

Speaker 5 Well, you're, well, no, I think you do treat it like you're shooting a special, but you're supposed to not, you're supposed to shoot two in a row, David,

Speaker 5 uh dana sorry david i was i would need a nap i'm too i'm too weak and old to do too much well i mean i guess so because that's how you don't screw it up if you don't get what you want in the first set then you know to get it in the second set so um somebody should have definitely told you that no it's all it's all or you can do two shows in two nights more expensive but you can do yes right of course you can do that then topic wise or material wise is there is there something that is a little surprising for your fans this is just me asking off the top of my head, like,

Speaker 4 are you stretching the envelope further in terms of honesty? Because it's sort of your brand of like, oh, I'm always honest. I'm always, you know, you're even more honest.

Speaker 5 Well, yeah, I mean, these are some personal stories.

Speaker 5 I have some, I have a really great Andrew Cuomo story in this special, a personal Andrew Cuomo story, because I was trying to get penetrated by him during the past.

Speaker 4 I remember that trip that you were going to try to fuck Andrew Cuomo. I remember.
I was hoping that was going to be a live stream.

Speaker 5 I know. I wanted to also live stream it, and I wanted to do it for my country because he just felt so

Speaker 5 like we had leadership at a time where we were so dehydrated for it. But I have a really good story in there about that.
I have a great George W.

Speaker 5 Bush story going to Kenny Bunkport compound, like on 40 milligrams of THC and having to interact with the president on a pickleball court, the former president.

Speaker 4 Right.

Speaker 5 So there's a little, there's a lot of sharing.

Speaker 5 The feeling is actually a reference to something something I did as a child to like at the jungle gym at school to get a certain feeling around my Pikachu area that a lot of nine-year-old girls did.

Speaker 5 And so that's a reference to that. I take you from my youth and to my adulthood and kind of telegraph the fact that I've always been this way.
But yes, the special felt great.

Speaker 5 You know, I'm at a point where I've done this for so long. I'm very capable and confident in what I'm doing.
I don't have,

Speaker 5 I don't, I'm not worried, you know, about it.

Speaker 5 I, I, I, I'm like, you get to a certain point, I think, in your career, as I hopefully the two of you can also attest, you know, what you're, you got, you're still here because you got yourself this far.

Speaker 5 So, like, you know what you're doing. You don't have to be in your head about it anymore.
At a certain point, you realize that's just such a wasted energy and that you're successful because of you.

Speaker 5 So, just keep doing you.

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Speaker 4 No, I agree. I just, I'm a little, I have a self-critical side of my brain.
And I have, if I do stand up in a club, one night from the other can be completely different.

Speaker 4 If I get into a character or or some idea, I like it to be kind of riffing, parsh material riffing. Right, right.
But very hard with like 19 cameras. I don't know why they need that many.

Speaker 4 And then I get locked into doing my outline. Like, okay, I've got to get to this next bit.
But if I was live, I go, oh, I'm going to go over here and do Anthony Fauci for 10 minutes.

Speaker 5 Oh, yeah, yeah. You can't do that during a special riffing.
It would be very difficult to capture because you don't know.

Speaker 4 Unless you did 10 nights, unless you did a lo-fi crew and did 10 nights. But, um,

Speaker 4 so or crowd work, that's tough for the special.

Speaker 4 Well, one thing I was just curious about your take on this hot take that this era of Netflix special and comedians playing stadiums and arenas and multiple nights at Madison Square Garden.

Speaker 4 I don't know exactly when it started, but it's a phenomena.

Speaker 4 And I don't know if one of our great female comics, sorry to put it in that box, has made that leap to arenas or Madison Square Garden or has someone done that?

Speaker 5 Yeah, Amy, well, I played Madison Square Garden, but not the, I think I did the theater at Madison Square Garden. I've definitely done Radio City for multiple nights.

Speaker 5 Amy Schumer played Madison Garden, I believe.

Speaker 4 This 20,000, 18,000. Yeah, that's a big one.

Speaker 5 I mean, that's going to happen. I mean, Amy did arenas.
I did an arena tour, you know, at some point in my career. I don't do arenas now.

Speaker 5 I do like usually three to 4,000 seats, but like, I mean, I think it's going to happen.

Speaker 5 You know, there's so many people coming up, Taylor, Tomlinson, you know, she sells tons of tickets, Otsuku, Otsuko.

Speaker 5 I mean, there's a ton. So yeah, I think it's also a choice.
You know, some comics don't want to move to that level. Like it's, there's a, there's a level of intimacy.

Speaker 5 I remember dating Joe Coy and Joe Coi does arenas and I would go and do guest sets at his shows and I'd be like, this is too many people.

Speaker 5 Like, how can you, I, I, I have so many facial expressions and like subtleties. I, how can that be captured in such a big stadium or arena?

Speaker 5 And I remember getting off stage being like, oh, it's easily. So like, you kind of have this attitude, like, oh, I got to keep it intimate.

Speaker 5 But then when you're exposed to that kind of audience, you're like, whoa, this is fucking awesome.

Speaker 4 If we're locked in,

Speaker 4 it's okay.

Speaker 3 Yeah, you need screens.

Speaker 5 Yeah, there's always large screens.

Speaker 4 Okay, that works. Yeah.

Speaker 3 A lot of my jokes are very small. They're not even jokes.
Actually, it's not funny. None of my stuff is funny.
And so it's harder to play any room.

Speaker 4 That is difficult for you, David, as a comedian to not have funny material and or be funny yourself. It's a deficit.
You do so well

Speaker 4 with all that

Speaker 4 those problems of not being funny and not having funny material.

Speaker 3 I've been sometimes I do, actually not on my own, but when I play the bigger rooms with Adam or something, same thing.

Speaker 3 It's it's harder because you see guys like in the in the hallways where you're like it's like at a concert where you see those guys, there's guys selling beer over here.

Speaker 3 There's always someone talking, there's always people drifting off. Not everyone's ever focused at once.

Speaker 3 But if they're locked into you, like if it's your crowd, I see, I always say Nate Bergazzi, his crowd, he plays big places, and they're just waiting for like throwaway jokes, setup jokes.

Speaker 3 They're laughing at setups and they're just like so intently listening. I go, that's the dream.
Just get people like waiting for every fucking thing you say instead of the big swings.

Speaker 4 You're like, yabba, dabba, doo. You know, you got to really sometimes to get everybody at once you go bigger i don't know

Speaker 5 yeah no i don't think you do know david i don't think you do i don't even know what's going on right now so what you're a busy uh human being entrepreneur i'd like the word entrepreneur even though i have no business

Speaker 4 i have no business we have a correction we have five books now you have this new book

Speaker 5 do really should people go buy this book i'll do that's a very good great question um i you know what if you're into me and you're into my stories and you're into my humor go buy the book if you're not skip it like uh this is my seventh book i taught and my fifth or fourth stand-up special to be determined we still haven't figured that out and um i don't know i'm i'm uh i like to be i like to hustle you know what i mean i like to do my own thing and i don't really like direction from uh people So as long as I are an entrepreneur, you're in charge of your career.

Speaker 4 You're not someone for hire. You do the hire.

Speaker 5 Right, right. Like, I don't like to be, I have been hired for jobs, but you know, historically, I work best when I'm my own boss.
So I do my podcasts. I do my specials.
I do my books.

Speaker 5 I do my like, you know, TV stuff, but I try not to have a long-term position where anyone is giving me notes on anything.

Speaker 4 I would say the only time I've really not enjoyed show business is when I was working with people with different sensibilities and they had power over me.

Speaker 4 That's the worst feeling.

Speaker 4 You know, they're offering, Oh, I just want some advice for a sec. Like they're, they're asking me, can I write a book?

Speaker 4 Just you don't have to answer this in long form, but what's your advice, someone writing a book? I mean, did you talk into a tape recorder? Did you have a writer's assistant?

Speaker 4 Do you just start throwing stuff at the wall? Or how do you do it?

Speaker 5 Didn't you, you have a book, Dana. I think I have your book.

Speaker 4 Don't you?

Speaker 4 I don't think. No, I didn't.

Speaker 5 Oh, maybe I'm thinking of your book, David.

Speaker 4 My book would be too dark. I mean, no one would believe it as the problem, you know, because I, you know, don't have that image, but, you know,

Speaker 5 well, I think it's pretty. I mean, listen, I think as long as you're honest, for me, I just think honesty is a commodity.
There's a lack of it.

Speaker 5 People are a little bit scared of honesty and like conflict and uncomfortable things. So I like to like kind of go ahead, like.

Speaker 5 headfirst into that stuff. And that works for me.
And it's like, whatever your point of view is, I think anyone can write a fucking book, especially like in our industry. And everybody does.

Speaker 5 So that should be your first, you know, barometer that you can do it. And your stories, the reason why they're yours is because they're not believable.

Speaker 5 Like everyone's stories, you could say that about. So I would say, I don't use a no, I don't use a writer's assistant.
When I write my books, I do it all by myself and I just start writing.

Speaker 4 I sit down on a computer.

Speaker 5 Yeah, I type everything on the computer.

Speaker 5 And then I have an editor look at it. And then when it's like shaped and it's in some sort of form, I'll start sharing it with people.
But usually I don't, I don't like too much feedback.

Speaker 5 Like I have like three or four people whose opinions I respect. And then based on that, I'll be like, okay, like I'll go to them from the cover or the title or,

Speaker 5 you know, like my editor named this book. I'll have what she's having.
I was like, I'm not naming a book. I'll have what she's having about myself.
That's so stupid.

Speaker 5 And she's like, no, that's how you feel after reading the book. I'm telling you, you want what you're having.
And I was like, okay.

Speaker 5 And then I had to think about it because usually I was like, that's a little, but then I was like, yeah, you're right. I want people.
That's what I want to inject people with.

Speaker 5 It's like a little bit of optimism

Speaker 5 in sad, dark times.

Speaker 4 What about when Harry met Sally, where she says, I'll have what she's having? Was there any conversation of maybe not referring to a famous romantic?

Speaker 4 That's part of the famous. No, that's part of the reference.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 5 So this is what you have to learn about books. It's kind of like, you know, we have a lot to learn, David, Dava.

Speaker 4 Yeah, we're that we're that tight. We go by one name, Dava.
But thank you.

Speaker 4 The only thing I'd be interested for you is like, you're very honest, but then you'll get to a chapter or a point or a story where

Speaker 4 you kind of hurt somebody maybe

Speaker 4 and you like them or you don't like them.

Speaker 4 How do you navigate that?

Speaker 4 Or you just...

Speaker 4 You know, do you just navigate that a little bit? It's a judgment call. Should I bury this person at the party where they were drunk or keep it in? Stuff like that.

Speaker 5 Well, you have to legally shroud people's identity unless they're a public figure.

Speaker 5 So, like, if I have my story about Andrew Cuomo, which happens to be in my stand-up special and in my book, there's a crossover.

Speaker 5 It's two kinds of different, like, there's way more room for detail and everything in the book, but he's a public figure.

Speaker 5 So, I tell like one version of that story in the book and I tell, I mean, it's the same version, but you know, different storytelling styles for stand-up for books.

Speaker 5 But, like, for him, I don't have to ask permission because everything I'm telling is true for a friend of mine that i'm writing about who i

Speaker 5 like who isn't a public figure that i'm saying something embarrassing or bad about like i have to shroud her identity so that no one will read it and recognize who you're talking about so sometimes it's like i i'll make up a character i'll make a guy a girl or make

Speaker 5 you know you make them a different age a different part of the world they live in and blah blah blah just to kind of shroud their identity but that's what you have to do when you write books also i've gotten all I need today.

Speaker 4 Thank you.

Speaker 5 This is your motivational, this is your motivational talk for you guys this morning, for both of you, Dava.

Speaker 3 I have a question about your,

Speaker 3 you don't like bosses at work, but do you like when you date someone, do you like to be bossed around?

Speaker 5 A boss in the bedroom? I mean, I would have, I like being sexually bossed around. I mean, no one's really going to boss me around because that's just not going to happen.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 5 I don't have time for that. But I do like sexually when somebody somebody kind of tosses me around and tells me to shut up or like pushes my head down, you know, like playful sex.
I like that.

Speaker 4 Into the wall. Did Joe Coy do that?

Speaker 5 Probably when I asked him to, you know, you got to kind of tell guys luckily these days that you want that and that you want to get like, you know, so yeah, I'm sure Joe Coy was a little bit, you know, trying to throw me around.

Speaker 5 I'm sure.

Speaker 4 Well, did you call him Joe Coy?

Speaker 4 Yeah, you go, hey, Joe Coy.

Speaker 5 During sex all the time, I would go, oh, my God, Joe Coi, Joe Coi.

Speaker 5 Oh, my God, Joe Coi. Are you in? What's happening?

Speaker 4 I've never heard anyone just call him Joe.

Speaker 3 I think it's always Joe Coi.

Speaker 5 I didn't know that he didn't know how to spell Joe Coi. I thought Joe Coi, I thought J-O-K-O-Y was like his

Speaker 5 birth name.

Speaker 5 And his name is actually Joe.

Speaker 5 And then Koi is a made-up name. So, and then he combined Joe Coi, Joe Koi.

Speaker 4 So I don't know.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 5 Yeah. So that was actually difficult when I was writing the book because there's a chapter about, I talk about my relationship with Joe Koi.
And I, I, I'm a real big on spelling and grammar.

Speaker 5 Like I find it to be a turn on when also people pay attention to spelling and grammar.

Speaker 5 And so I, he spells his name J-O-K-O-Y and I had to spell it J-O-E and then K-O-Y and a space. I did.
I couldn't spell it the way that he wants people to spell it, just out of respect for myself.

Speaker 4 It's not an actual

Speaker 4 name in the English language, J-O.

Speaker 4 I associate it with a female.

Speaker 5 Well, that's right. Women who are named Joe, it's J-O, and he's spelling his name like a woman.
So I had to respect him because I know he doesn't present. He doesn't identify as a woman.

Speaker 5 So I wanted to spell his name correctly. Just by chance, he might see it and learn how to spell his own name.
Yeah.

Speaker 4 Well, Joe coy just yeah it has it's whimsical a little bit you know i don't know joe you know joe's like a joe guy you know joe joe is yeah

Speaker 5 joe coy yeah i wouldn't do it just because it's a female name like i would change maybe he doesn't maybe didn't know that joe from little women you're talking about

Speaker 4 there's not that many joes out there

Speaker 5 like you who's the better stand-up on their best night you or joe coy i would well joe's a great stand-up i would never say that i'm a better he's great i mean, he is very good at what he does.

Speaker 3 So it would help if you said you were better.

Speaker 5 I would never say that about any comic. I don't need to say that.

Speaker 4 He's powerful, definitely. He's physical.
He does a lot of voices of other

Speaker 3 people who are different comics. You'll say that.

Speaker 4 That's

Speaker 5 completely opposite ends of the spectrum. Exactly.
It would like, it'd be like comparing an apple to a pineapple.

Speaker 4 To a typewriter. Thank you.
Yeah. To a typewriter.

Speaker 5 To a Dyson. It was like comparing a clean air.
What is this called? An air doctor? We all have to get air doctors, right? After the fire. It would be like comparing an apple to an air doctor.

Speaker 4 I think David. It would be like comparing a pretzel to the lunar module.
Yeah. Yes.
That's right.

Speaker 4 David? It would be like, oh,

Speaker 3 I don't have any of the good ones of that.

Speaker 5 But I was saying that maybe Chelsea, the chemistry between the two of you is palpable, we've, and I think the chemistry between the three of us is very intriguing as well.

Speaker 4 So, palpable is good,

Speaker 5 palpable is, yeah, something you can almost you can feel it, and you can touch it almost.

Speaker 3 When you date, do you feel like you're a little intimidating, or guys scared to ask you out? You think?

Speaker 5 Yeah, I think men are very disturbed by me.

Speaker 4 Yes, I think that they disturbed is not what I said.

Speaker 5 I think they find me off-footing. And

Speaker 5 some men really love me, and that's nice. But I think, as men, in general, straight guys above a certain age are a little bit put off by me.
I'm not trying to be intimidating or to turn people off.

Speaker 5 I just have that essence about myself. And I can't.

Speaker 3 It doesn't seem like you're out trying to turn them on either. You're not like thirstily going after guys.

Speaker 4 You're just when's the last time you had sex?

Speaker 4 Oh,

Speaker 5 just a few weeks ago. I have a, I have a mountain, I have a mountain lover.

Speaker 5 I have a mountain man that I have sex with in my mountain house in Whistler, Canada, where I ski. So right now I'm in LA.
And usually in the wintertime, I have sex with a mountain man.

Speaker 4 And does the mountain man have a big burly beard and really husky? What is it? A lot of people are getting at. Yeah.

Speaker 5 He has a big, he has a beard. It's not burly like what you're envisioning, but he has a beard.
He definitely looks like he's from the mountain.

Speaker 4 You know what I mean? Is it Burt Kreischer?

Speaker 5 It is not Burt Kreischer. No, no.
He has never been on top of me inside of me. I don't think he's been on top of anyone except for his own wife.
So that's probably for the best.

Speaker 4 That's sweet.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 3 That is, we're going to spin that sweet.

Speaker 4 Well, you have a mountain man in a cabin. You've got a best-selling about to happen.
Dial it in.

Speaker 4 You've got a special. I mean, what don't you have right now?

Speaker 5 A baby. I don't have a baby.
Thank God. So that's, there's that, you know, I think about all the things that I don't have that I'm grateful that I don't have like a husband.

Speaker 5 I never wanted to be married. I just find that idea.
I can't believe you've never gotten married, David. Did you get married one time?

Speaker 3 I don't think so.

Speaker 5 Good for you, like for making that decision. Dana, what about you? Have you

Speaker 3 made that decision, to be honest?

Speaker 4 I was just

Speaker 4 born to be married. I've been married for 42 years.

Speaker 5 Oh, wow. Congrats on that.
That's nice.

Speaker 4 I guess so.

Speaker 3 That's why Dana and I have all the sexual tension between us.

Speaker 4 I just had a really weird childhood and I just, I would get, the walls walls would close in on me over time uh if i was just alone too too much you know so right right if you when you when you've had a great boyfriend and he's not you're not married to him and you're watching tv and you're having fun and you have your separate career in life that's fun right because it's you get to share stuff it's fun right

Speaker 5 you don't have to get married though marriage no no no no yeah no i'm with david i mean david and i probably have some similar um dating habits i like just to have an open field.

Speaker 5 And even if I am dating someone, it's very clear, like, this is not, you know,

Speaker 5 this is nice and everything, but there's not going to be any sort of long-term commitment made ever.

Speaker 5 And that's not the way I roll.

Speaker 4 I don't think I've ever had that conversation. That's great.

Speaker 3 It means harder for guys to have that conversation.

Speaker 4 Well,

Speaker 4 guys,

Speaker 4 Bill Maher always says to me, everyone wants me to get married. I go, no one wants you to get married.
You don't cares.

Speaker 4 Married people don't think that you've all got to be married. So

Speaker 4 especially Bill Maher.

Speaker 5 Like, who's worried about Bill Maher getting married?

Speaker 5 Who?

Speaker 4 No one.

Speaker 4 He says friends.

Speaker 5 Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 4 Yeah, I will.

Speaker 3 Dude, I go to Chelsea at things just to go laugh because she's always going to say something snipy and funny about somebody. It's fucking always funny.

Speaker 4 You're always good to.

Speaker 4 I think I've even been to your house. I don't know if it's that house.

Speaker 5 No, this is a new house. You know whose house I fucking bought? RFK.
RFK Jr.'s house is the house. He and Cheryl Hines.
I bought this house.

Speaker 5 I didn't know that they owned the house when I bought it, which would have been a huge take out the weight room.

Speaker 5 Why do you? I mean, I haven't, I have had an infection ever since I moved into this house, and I believe it's from him.

Speaker 4 He's supposed to be a health guy, and you gotta throw

Speaker 4 this.

Speaker 5 It's from look at this bruise. It's from my IV.
I have to have a daily intravenous. Yeah, like

Speaker 3 that was from a rough-up session with Mountain Man.

Speaker 4 With Joe Corner

Speaker 4 right now. Yeah.

Speaker 4 Are you?

Speaker 5 Congratulations. Me too.

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Speaker 10 Hey, everybody, it's me, Bill Maher.

Speaker 10 If you're not watching or at least listening to Club Random, you're really missing something good and something unique because I don't think we look or sound like any other podcast.

Speaker 10 And that's by design. My life's quest has been to do some kind of show that captured the level of intimacy and the lack of artifice you would see if you saw me off camera talking to a friend.

Speaker 10 No one else in the room, plenty of pot and booze, and nothing planned. This is a show where I get high talking to someone I'm interested in to get to know and to laugh with.
It's not an interview.

Speaker 10 It's wild. And I'm having a ball and the guests are having a ball and you will too.

Speaker 10 So please follow Club Random with Bill Maher and see new episodes every Monday on Apple, Spotify, YouTube, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Speaker 4 I did a benefit for the cardiovascular whatever. And I think Ryan Streetcrest was on it, but it was a horrible environment.

Speaker 4 And I went out there and it was pulling a tractor and I bombed and I came outside. And I think you might have been smoking a cigarette.

Speaker 4 I don't don't even know if you smoke but you seem like incredibly cool and confident and you sort of you sort of went how many of these do you do like you basically in my mind you were saying to me why would you do this you know and i had the disease to please and say yes and so that's how i remember you and i thought you were very cool oh well that's cute yeah i'm just cute yeah chelsea part of her her attraction is she's She's very pretty, but she's very like kind of a tough chick that you have to, everyone feels like they have to win over because she's not easily like doesn't she, we're referring to you now, Chills.

Speaker 4 Yeah, she doesn't suffer. I thought she hung up.

Speaker 4 She doesn't suffer fools.

Speaker 3 I would not say you got to throw something at her that's decent because she's not going to, she's going to see right now.

Speaker 4 There's a hurt little girl in there somewhere and a vulnerable person behind that genitalia. That's what I'm looking for.

Speaker 4 There's a gooey sentimental

Speaker 4 crystal. A real softy.
I think everyone has.

Speaker 3 By the way, I like that she's texting during this. Anyway, we're giving you all these compliments and you're like, I'm just texting the, I'm texting the police.

Speaker 4 You're going, can we wrap this up?

Speaker 4 The king is going to be on the podcast.

Speaker 3 I have to say, here's two names for your next specials.

Speaker 4 Okay. Okay.

Speaker 3 One is

Speaker 3 more honester.

Speaker 3 That's not bad.

Speaker 5 Oh, that's not bad. I like that, actually.
More honester.

Speaker 4 I've got one.

Speaker 3 Because you're always honest, but you have another special.

Speaker 4 You're like, I've got one.

Speaker 4 I've got the balls.

Speaker 4 Okay.

Speaker 4 And here's one more.

Speaker 5 So, those are two suggestions.

Speaker 4 And one of them I like.

Speaker 3 I don't have a baby, thank God.

Speaker 4 That's right. That's not a bad one because people are like, oh, I want to hear what that shit's all about.
You can never.

Speaker 5 I feel like, yeah, I feel like I've said that so many times. That I like more honester, though.
That's a good one. I'm actually going to put that in my notes section too.
Two words.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 5 Two words, three syllables.

Speaker 4 Mine was intentionally

Speaker 4 going for the worst title ever. So his is actually good.
I've been thinking,

Speaker 4 how about just Chelsea with an exclamation point?

Speaker 4 How about?

Speaker 3 She's already done that.

Speaker 4 Oh, she's already done that.

Speaker 5 I've done it. Everything is an eponymous book.

Speaker 4 She's done that name.

Speaker 5 I've used that name off. I need a new fucking name.

Speaker 3 You know, it's funny, Whitney and Chelsea, like, there's Eliza. A lot of the

Speaker 3 female comics, you know them by one name. You don't know me by date.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 5 You all, you everyone knows you by spade. Everyone goes by you guys go by last name.
So, some of the girls.

Speaker 4 True, guys go by last name.

Speaker 3 Yeah, it's true.

Speaker 4 Sandler, rock,

Speaker 4 spade. We even call each other that.

Speaker 5 Yeah, yeah, you do. That's right.

Speaker 5 Speaking of Hollywood parties, are you going to Guy O'Series house tomorrow night, David?

Speaker 3 Oh, I'm not because I have a fucking casino gig.

Speaker 3 Oh, dear. Well, I would love it.
That's fun. I would like to see you there.

Speaker 5 I know. I was just going to say if you wanted to go with me on my plus as my

Speaker 5 plus one, but you're, I can't believe I, or as you're, you know, if you were going. But

Speaker 3 well, those are fun because he never says who's going and I never ask. I just go, I'll just go and see what's going on.
But I, I were shooting, I'm shooting this independent right now film.

Speaker 3 And this is my first day off in a while. And I definitely wanted to do this with you because we, it's been hard to sort of organize.

Speaker 3 But then tomorrow, I have to go do a show I had booked before I did this. So I am going to miss it.
I would like to do that. It's a fun night.

Speaker 5 Well, I hope you have a great time at your casino gig.

Speaker 5 What city is that in?

Speaker 3 No one knows. It's exactly.

Speaker 5 Casinos are pretty tricky.

Speaker 4 They're fun though. And when you get there, they're not bad.
Is it with Nikki?

Speaker 3 With Nikki Glazer? No.

Speaker 4 No.

Speaker 3 No, we do a Vegas thing, sort of like Chelsea sometimes. And

Speaker 3 those are fun too. At least Vegas, you can stay up late, Chelsea.

Speaker 5 Yeah, I like to gamble. I like to play with like lots of money and gamble.
So I do my show. Usually I have a bunch of friends or family or whomever, like they come and they get a block of rooms.

Speaker 5 You know, we hook them up. They come out, fly out with me, and then we gamble.
And I, you know.

Speaker 5 I love gambling. I love blackjack.
I love supplying everyone with money to gamble for people who don't have money to throw around.

Speaker 5 And I always start with a certain number and I always leave and I always, always walk out with more money. Like I am so lucky with gambling and I have made that casino, I believe, luckier.

Speaker 4 What do you play? Blackjack? What are you playing?

Speaker 5 Yeah, Miracle Ear. I just fucking said it.

Speaker 4 I have a fever.

Speaker 4 I'm on antibiotics.

Speaker 5 I'm also on antibiotics with a fever. Just FYI.
Okay. So stop your complaining.

Speaker 4 I apologize. I'm pretty sure.
You're on antibiotics.

Speaker 4 Yeah, it's your venous.

Speaker 5 Look at this, you guys. I have a pick line in my arm.

Speaker 5 I have like a massive infection.

Speaker 3 Amy Winehouse.

Speaker 4 I know.

Speaker 5 I know. It's embarrassing.
I'm like falling apart at the seams. But I mean, I'll be okay.
Just like you'll be okay, Dana Carvey, once you get.

Speaker 3 Carvey, the whole name.

Speaker 4 This old Ms.

Speaker 4 Ms. Handler.
I have a question.

Speaker 4 Okay, Ms. Handler.

Speaker 4 This is the toughest one.

Speaker 4 Just like George Handler. That's the special.

Speaker 5 That's what George Bush called me when we met at his Kenny Bunt board. He kept calling me Ms.

Speaker 5 Handler, like to really enunciate the, like for my, to represent my like loose lifestyle. Ms.
Handler, like this, this unmarried Hillian.

Speaker 4 He likes to laugh. Harlet guy, W.
Harlot, yeah. He makes Jezebel laugh.

Speaker 5 Yeah, well, you would know, Dana. I mean, you played him for so many years.
That's your guy.

Speaker 4 You mean Bush Sr.

Speaker 5 Oh, right. Didn't you play him too? No, I'm talking about Bush Jr.

Speaker 4 Bush Jr. just in my stand-up, but Will Farrell did him on SNL.

Speaker 2 But I played him.

Speaker 4 Everybody does W.

Speaker 2 He's a funny, funny character.

Speaker 5 My podcast is called Dear Chelsea. People call in for real-life advice.
And it's, yeah, so it's not like anything you guys would ever listen to.

Speaker 4 You take phone calls from fans and from real people.

Speaker 5 No, not fans, people who have fucking problems. And they call in.
And I consider myself like

Speaker 5 a medical doctor. Yeah, I'm pretty smart about giving advice to people.
I'm really good at it. And I'm really a good like motivator.

Speaker 5 Like go get your shit together and get, you know, make a good life decision. So yeah, I have a podcast called Dear Chelsea and I'm really excited, actually, guys, to be spending this.

Speaker 5 It feels like a Saturday morning today, doesn't it? It's Friday, but it feels like a Saturday morning.

Speaker 3 I swear I thought it was Saturday.

Speaker 4 This is the earliest we've done one. I don't think we ever in history.
On earlier.

Speaker 5 Okay. Well, maybe that'll explain.

Speaker 4 I get up early. So I like this.

Speaker 5 So do I. I always get up early wherever I am in the world.

Speaker 4 They said you have to be at the the Beverly Center at 10.

Speaker 3 So we'll let you go.

Speaker 5 The Beverly Center. I fucking hope not.

Speaker 4 My God. That's what they told us.

Speaker 5 They go. I fucking hate malls.

Speaker 5 I grew up in New Jersey, as you know, Livingston, New Jersey, which you mentioned previously. And I have had my run and fill of shopping malls.

Speaker 5 So please don't mention any shopping mall to me again because I'm wrapped.

Speaker 3 Well, where are you going to go to Lady Footlocker? They just have them on the street.

Speaker 4 Well, don't you love food?

Speaker 4 Don't you love a good food court, though?

Speaker 5 You mean Sabaro? Yes, I do. A and W.

Speaker 4 Panda. A and W.
Now, now we're talking finally.

Speaker 5 No, Panda Express. I do not like Panda Express.
I would like to put that out there on the record.

Speaker 3 Put it out there for future dates.

Speaker 4 Spade's going to get a Wendy's hamburger at some point today.

Speaker 4 Are you?

Speaker 3 I do still eat that once in a while. Yeah.

Speaker 5 Yeah, I used to like Wendy's chicken nuggets, but, you know, that's not chicken. And I had to come to terms with that.

Speaker 5 Even though they were like my favorite fucking snack, I just had to eventually just be like, what am I putting in my body? You know, I put so many chemicals in it already.

Speaker 5 Does it really need these chicken nuggets to put me over the top?

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 4 Yeah. Yeah.
I don't doesn't appear Chelsea.

Speaker 3 I think we'll let you go. You did a great job.
And I just want to say lastly, you did use the word assage.

Speaker 4 Is that what you said earlier?

Speaker 5 Assuage.

Speaker 4 Assuage. It's great.
I wrote it down. Good job.
Okay, great. I learned that.

Speaker 5 I think you learned a few words today, quite frankly.

Speaker 3 By the way, when I text, I got to, if I ever text you, I have to be less like yo, yo, yo, because I talk like a rapper. So I have to probably, I'll do all the spelling stuff for you.

Speaker 5 Okay, well, don't worry. I don't think anyone's confusing you with a rapper.

Speaker 4 Make sure you change that wrap after we hang up. ASAP, Spadey.
Change your wrap on your arm.

Speaker 3 Oh, yeah, Chelsea. Let's get you choppered out of there.

Speaker 4 Things aren't going well.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 5 Oh, it's been like this, you guys.

Speaker 5 This is my life for the next week. So it's okay.
Don't worry.

Speaker 3 It's been perfectly charming on here. Thank you for doing it.
Thank you.

Speaker 4 Nice hanging out. And I don't know who said this to me, but we'll see you around campus.
We'll see you around business.

Speaker 5 Okay, great. Goodbye, Dana, David, and David.

Speaker 4 Bye, sweetheart.

Speaker 5 Goodbye.

Speaker 1 This has been a presentation of Odyssey. Please follow, subscribe, leave a like, a review, all the stuff.
Smash that button, whatever it is, wherever you get your podcasts.

Speaker 1 Fly on the Wall is executive and produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade, Jenna Weiss-Berman of Odyssey, and Heather Santoro. The show's lead producer is Greg Holtzman.