SUPERFLY #58 - OSCARS AFTERPARTY

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See guaranteed details at TurboTax.com slash guarantees. I like it so far, Dana.
Nothing really bothers me there. No one's expecting it.
I mean, I'm in a hotel room. Nope.
They're both going back, Greg. Yeah, that's fine.
This is a good beginning. Yeah.
This is the beauty of remote podcasting. I'm in different hotels.
Now, do you want your mirror in the background because it shows like that square oh that's why maybe we should open it this is funny yeah we go his head off god i almost yanked my earphones off today and i almost killed someone it got caught on a tree and i was like this snap yeah well we got a few minutes left Dana. So what should we talk about? Well, okay.
I got a lot of stuff I want to talk about. We'll go back and forth, but oh yeah, I'm doing the tour.
So people exciting, go to davidspay.com. I'm coming to your town.
Probably not, but I'm coming to a couple of towns. Coming to some town.
You know what? I announced the tour, the first leg of it. And then everyone goes, why are you coming to Pensacola? That's all the comments are where I'm not going.
So I will be adding and adding, but that's all on that. But you can buy tickets now, finally.
I just saw David. We worked together at this event and I watched from the wings and he's in very sharp form very funny I tried to cut him off I tried to get the mic off I said hasn't he done his time I kept going to the crew and they go he's on a roll let him go let Yeah, Dana and I had our first corporate gig together.
It was a great idea because we went all the way to Indiana. And in the daytime, I walked across the street and went to the NFL Combine.
It was right across the hotel. Everyone in our hotel was either a coach, assistant coach, weightlifting coach, QB coach.
It was kind of funny. All dudes.
Not great. It looked looked like a pirate ship and then i walked over there and got on with rich eyes and then did some goofy stuff and then walked around and saw the combine which i watch on tv every year just fun to walk around uh you went to the combine how long did it take you to get there from the hotel did you sprint or anything or yeah when I did When I did this 40 over there, I go, I'm already tired because I sprinted here, but I was, I felt like, and I might be imagination.
I was being scouted while I was walking around. Like people are like, what about this guy? He could be a good rover back.
Yeah. I mean, I always saw you as scrappy as a fighter and I see you as as kind of speedy, quick, quick.
So, you know, I mean, the zero to 20 yards, you probably be, make some noise. Yeah.
And then I did some of the sled, I did some sled work where you knock it back, you know, push it back. Flip the tires a little bit like that.
Just let them know it's pretty easy. If If I seem a little tired is because we had, there was a party last night at the hotel.
My wife was here. Oh.
And good night, sweetheart. And then it just, can you do the effect? Yeah.
And just people talking, what up man? So this went on for hours going to the front desk and they're like, I don't know. We told them many times.
They had the balcony open. It's just blowing bongs, pounding beers.
And they kept knocking. And they were like, your walls should be thicker, man.
We're not that loud. It's your fault.
Yeah. So we're like, we got all our shit in the other room.
We know we won't sleep, and they can't stop them. So can you just give us a room to walk to so we can sleep is where I am now.
Oh, you did that? Oh my God. Just so we could sleep because- You drag your blankets and pillows down the hallway.
Kind of. All pleary-eyed.
Yeah, all pleary-eyed come in. So yeah.
And then I went to the dermatologist today just for a classic skin check.

Oh, do your fucking one that I wish I had in my act.

It's so funny.

Age-related.

He's got a little eyeglass.

He's going around.

Age-related.

This time, this time, the guy's really nice.

But this time, I didn't realize I was wearing powder blue underwear.

I just grab him, right?

Oh, my God. They go, please get down.

So I'm sitting on the paper, just nothing but the powder blue boxers.

Skivvies? Oh no. Sitting for like five,

seven minutes waiting. Gross.

He comes in.

So this time when he checked me,

he goes, those are red dots. That's normal.

You're going to be getting a lot more of those.

These dark ones back

here, you're going to be getting a lot more of

those.

Your balls hang to here. It's

I'm going to be getting a lot more of those these dark ones back here you're going to be getting a lot more of those so your balls hang to here it's going to be getting a lot lower yeah and then he said on my wrist he goes uh let me um uh is i go is it cancer because pre-cancer don't worry about it's pre-cancer so we're going to freeze it so is everything sort of just pre-cancer until it's cancer?

I guess.

I don't know.

Yesterday,

cause I'm in town and I live in the country.

I keep thinking of Patrick.

He's thinking live. I might be able to salvage that for something.
The coyotes, when they work in packs, and you hear them coordinating out in the field behind our house, like coordinating. Oh, yeah, definitely.
They attack, and're like hyenas they're high pitch oh wow they get horny as you're killing but anyway i was in the big city yesterday i got the eye thing better now or better now better now better now better now better now for about 45 minutes and then the the ophthalmologist came in. That was just me by myself.
Better now. You're practicing.
Better now. Better now.
Now the left eye is kind of weak, but the right eye is pretty good. So what I used to do, and this is possibly considered cheating, was i'm waiting for my turn i try to

memorize each line and then i go up and they go okay play i go gf pf4 321 and they go well there's no numbers in there i'm like that means i couldn't even see it when i was cheating i was well let me ask you a question this is just straight up why didn't you when you go to the pharmacy and you get the 1.5, 1.25,

1.75.

They're upping me to 2.

Why getting assistance When you go to the pharmacy and you get the 1.5, 1.25, 1.75, they're upping me to two. Why? Getting assistance in your eyesight is called cheaters.
Oh, you need some cheaters. Get some cheaters.
Why is it cheating? You can't see. It's cheating.
I'm wearing cheaters right now. You'd be a total blur if I didn't wear these cheaters.
No, I actually can sort of sort of see which is crazy so you have a lot of good genetics in the next grown-ups we should do this where we all sit down at the diner the next five of us yeah and one of the next grown-ups that we all sit down and everybody puts the four the four out of five guys put the menus like this you know way back here uh-huh and then they're because they all can't see and then i go you guys that's so lame and then i go like this instead of growing ups the next one's gonna be called old growing old it's not it's not growing up anymore it's kind of like it's gonna be g-r-, growing up. Yeah, it's not going to be good.
So I got the eyes. I got the skin.
I finally slept. It's been a big weekend.
I don't know. That liver bad, kidney bad.
What's that from? Is that from your ex? Yeah, I think so. They go check you, Oriental Medicine.
They go liver bad, kidney bad, spleen bad. Well, no, that was when I used to go to a home of that there was sort of acupuncture doctor and i was on snl at the time it was in the valley and i would go and they would take your pulse and go oh you're the liver bad kidney bad everything from your pulse you're tired you're tired you're so tired now and they give these bottle of red pills.
Now, what they would do is you do all the acupuncture stuff. We'll put here for you.
I'll go there. I'm doing a Norwegian accent.
Just a bad one, okay, for you. Sure.
And go there. So they also would put it in your head.
So one time, and this is not a bit and not a joke, I drove away and I noticed I still had one of the acupuncture things Come on the top of my head like an antenna Yeah So I was getting this is FM radio KFOG From the San Fernando Valley But anyway Life is what it is Picking up AM radio in Iceland Christ sakes I think next time you should comb through the turf before you exit the acupuncture play hey how much if you pluck them out let me let me ask you a question because i like to do that um have you ever done acupuncture oh yeah with this neck are you kidding me i mean you know what was a bummer the other night we flew home we did pretty good on the flight that turbulence at the end kind of tightened me up and from then on i went to the i went to this oscar thing and i went with chris and we and then i couldn't go out late because it was killing me so bad i started getting such a bad headache such a bummer what a fun night but we did put a lot in it we did flew all day me and you we you. We came from 18 degrees.
Everything about it was just a beating. It's kind of interesting.
I like to kind of just let the turbulence exist on its own. So I just flop.
Like I just go with it. And I saw you tensing and tightening.
I thought, oh, he's like. Well, most of the time you're sitting on the floor up there, which is kind of hip like a kind of a hippie thing you're like i get on my knees yeah i'm a bongo he's done it bothers the other customers actually i think when i was biting on the pilot's collarbone just because i was so nervous like on the way down um yeah i know well we we had a we had a fun time and money here's a funny thing so i go i don't see the oscars at all um and our boy conan was on them so i see little clips here and there but then i go to this shindig this vanity fair one with chris so it's so when you get there it's going to be a little bedlam inside but there's a press line so that's kind of stuff they don't really want guys there because guys you know i'm wearing a black suit so is chris he looks good and they don't want guys there because they want to well they just want to take the pictures of the girls gowns basically got it the guy who cares you know and so when you get the press line you know at snl the press line it was log jam.
I was standing there for 20 minutes waiting to go through. Four degrees.
I mean, was it outside or no? No, this vanity fair, this one, Oh, you weren't there. Yeah.
It was inside, but for some reason, it was back. I missed it, David.
I know. I just keep bringing up that you missed it.
But this one was, there's a few people waiting and we're behind jeff bezos and lauren right so oh so you just never know where you're gonna be in line you know because whoever gets there like last year i was a slew of these models came in like gg hadid emrata they all were in line and so they all i said guys go first. Cause that's all they care about is this, this stuff, you know, fine.
So I'm waiting. And then they say there's three circles.
This is, this is inside baseball as we always grow. I love it.
I know. Don't be mad.
Don't be mad. I want to, I'm, I'm getting information right now, even though I've been to the Oscars.
You've done a million of these. this is just the after party okay and there's a there's a wall of photographers and so we're waiting and so bezos who i don't really know i don't i don't think i know him at all i know lauren a little bit so they go first so they get on their little circle a few clicks you know jeff jeff lauren over here oh yeah you know they're doing they're doing a

action because it's a couple you know so they go to the next one so chris rock comes up there go chris rock chris rock so he's in the next one okay and then and then when they move forward they go spade so now i'm on me it's a few clicks but you know we get it i'm wearing a suit i look around got it and i look at chris and i go go like let's get out of here you know go to the next circle Let's get out of here.

Yeah.

And then Bezos is there, but he's like, hey, hey, you know, he's kind of peacocking. He looks good.
Lauren's very pretty. Did he have a sleeveless tuxedo with his biceps bulging out? Yeah.
I mean, he's skin tight. He actually brought a solo flex with him and he was on the- He is jacked.
Yeah. He's ripped.
Yeah. And so, oh, there's a picture of us.
Oh, Heather will send a picture heather will send a picture maybe we can okay i never saw that i didn't see any pictures from that night so that oh you should look for another one because so then they're still taking long so we're not we're not getting off our circles and i'm just dying out there and now the photographers are like down they kind of shoot from the hip like this just now they're going across and chris trying to get jeff you know lauren that way and then they're looking at their film they're checking their phones i'm like chris go he's i'm waiting for them then they finally move off so we go to that circle then we cruise up no then we get a couple together i guess so then we go off and now they stopped for something and now we run smack dab once we're off the carpet into Jeff and Lauren and Chris is with his daughter too. And they say, Oh, let's get a picture of all you guys.
Like we're all together. And I'm like, so I say hi to them.
And then they send us all the picture. Now we're all like all the party together, but he was very nice.
And she was always been sweet. So then if you feel the woman, you're very, I'm sure very conscious of like, Oh, it's everything.
I'm looking at my gown, my makeup, and then every woman there is stunning. And so we go in and then I run in, of course, to some comedians.
I see Mulaney and I see Nick Kroll and a few others. So just sit with them and bullshit.
You get acclimated, then you start going, I'm going to take a lap. First of all, Sasha Barron comes out.
Now, you know Sasha Barron. As you know, he played Borat.
He played Borat. He pretended to be short of a Middle Eastern man.
Oh, there they are. Oh, there we are.
Okay, that's not bad, not bad right look at my hair shaved i don't know if it's your best picture i don't really i don't thank you i mean but that's not your fault you're incredibly handsome yeah i mean listen maybe it was it was a bad pitch it didn't look like you to me can we see it again it's that let's have no don. I've never seen these.
No, it looks perfectly fine, but it doesn't. Well, I think it's weird.
My sides are shaved, so it looks a little different. Right, but look how stern you are.
Look at Chris with the big smile. Oh, yeah.
That doesn't look like your personality. I think I looked too smiley one time, and from then on, it was over.
Oh, and then you're like Howard's sterning it up. Yeah, I just am like,'s just get oh so here's this is it okay so this is this is it good lord stern look at how funny so this no the other funny part is chris's it's chris's daughters with him who's obviously very how old is his daughter i think she's 21 we all came together so we stopped and grabbed them lovely daughter lovely and her friend and so then we're walking up i'm like oh chris people think we're double dating here this is a this is a problem so i kind of hang behind then we get there and then uh lola gets there there's lola and czara, his daughters.
But I go, let's have no confusion. Like we're all together.
So anyway, funny picture of all of us, right? That's funny. It was funny.
I just, you know, I don't know if I'm liberated or not liberated, but it's just interesting that men are covered in their tuxedos and women have to have their collarbones and their shoulders.

Well, no, there they are.

Look at me.

Oh, my shirt's unbuttoned.

Well, that looks like you have a mullet, but it's not your hair in the back.

I do.

No, but it's really coming out.

Chris Rock is leading the way.

He looks like he's about to do a stand-up bit.

He goes,

now the thing is,

he always says,

but Sasha is too tall.

So I don't want to hang out with him all night.

This is true.

So he's always funny.

And I do like him.

He's very funny.

So,

you know,

it's friendly.

So they go to the bar and I go,

I'm going to walk around.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He's brilliant.

So anyway,

I run into a few people and,

uh,

obviously every other person is a celebrity because people don't really get plus ones. Not many do.
Obviously, Bezos and Lauren come together. And so I just see a lot of interesting people you don't see a lot.
But I was not feeling great, obviously, with my horrible pictures. And my shirt was too unbuttoned.
There's really good ones. There's so many good ones.
Oh, there's good ones.

I'm sure there's great ones.

A photo can be, you catch someone.

Oh, there is?

Oh, fuck.

Show that.

It was with rock too, right?

Oh, you'll like this one.

This is so important to me.

I don't even know why.

It's important to me too.

I really want to see your good photo.

I want to find a good picture.

That's what I want to do.

I don't know.

I don't know if this is it.

I want to see it.

But you know, they walk around, they kind of ruin it because Kim K was just on SNL and they're building a skims right by my house and I wanted to grill her about it. But it's hard to go up to her because they always have someone sort of floating to nail someone.
They have security. To get a picture with her.
Yeah. And if you say hi and get a picture, it looks like you're trying to get a picture.
Too sweaty. Out of respect, I said hi for two seconds, but it was in between when the guy.
I don't think the only negative about the Vanity Fair part, and there's really none, is there's probably two floating photographers. And so- In a ballroom of 300 people.
Yeah, maybe 200. Yeah.
And it's small. So it's small.
It's like a- Yeah. Okay, here's your- Oh.
Oh, here's a bad shot of me. But it is when Mick Jagger came over.
So that's good. Yeah, you guys are kind of- There's this, I don't know, something like you're kind of- Is this what I look like from the side? Let me just go real quick.

I want to throw myself through a plate glass window.

No, you do not look like.

Oh, that one's better.

I got a smiley one.

Yeah.

That looks more.

Let's put that one.

I know who that looks like, but I can't think of his name.

Star Wars, you know.

C3PO?

No, that's.

Oh, Mark Hamill?

Yeah.

From the side.

Yeah, a little bit.

God, anybody better? That was just a photo. No, I know.
I kind of a gray beard. I mean, a blonde one.
So it's, no, I'm fine with how I look. But listen, this woman came up.
I was going to ask you, Heather, do you know who Dr. K is? From Instagram or something? Anyway anyway she's a plastic surgeon but she wanted a picture and then of course i do the classic dana she goes oh i do plastic surgery i go hey can you give me the the brad pitt i don't even know if he's done anything just make me look like him she goes oh i see what we could do and she starts touching my face i go i'm kind of kidding you don't have to leap into action already with your professional opinion.
But she's very sweet. Here's what happened to me when I went to the Oscars.
So I was invited to the Vanity Fair party. This will be quick.
I was invited with a big white envelope. Vanity Fair invites you.
They invited me for 25 years straight. And I just never went and I never responded, but I kept getting invited.
So then they stopped inviting me the year before. I was invited to the 2018 one because Mike Myers was there for the Queen movie.
And so we went to the Oscars, got all dressed up. I went to, I go, okay, this is probably my last Oscars.
So I think we went to one of the Neiman markers or one of those. Okay, I got to get a tuxedo.
Right. So I said to the guy, I just want George Clooney.
I just want exactly what George Clooney. So he started pointing, we'll put this.
Very simple. This nice look.
We're going to put this. I go, is this George Clooney? He goes, oh no, George would do that.
I go, no, no, no. I mean, literally, I want a George Clooney.

Just the shoes.

Everything.

Because George Clooney always looks the best in a tuxedo.

Looks great.

The tuxedo costs money.

And I looked a lot like George Clooney.

But anyway, so we go there.

And then we're in some kind of after party talking to Mike, who is generous enough to invite us to go there, and his wife. They're going from there to the Vanity Fair party.
I go, well, we're not invited to the Vanity Fair party. We don't have any invite.
They're like, oh, come along. We'll get you in.
But I couldn't be the third wheel with my wife. Like, we don't really have an invite, but we know famous people.
Could we go in? So we decided to go. We left and we went to catch.
I was in a tuxedo and she was- Went to eat. To eat and things were- Not a bad move.
They're so- By ourselves. First of all, you're as famous as anyone in there.

Whoops.

Or more.

Stop it.

And when you-

And people would love to see you.

People ask me about you all the time.

So, but the problem is-

I'm a recluse, except for this podcast.

Yeah, you are.

It's good.

You have a little bit of mystery to you.

I have none.

So, I go there.

Also, I know my angle isn't this from now on, Heather, when i'm taking photographs those those photographs have nothing to do with reality they know i'm personality german so well you know you didn't look like yourself in that shot you couldn't recognize you look at me now do i i'm angry to be at this party yeah okay so when you pull up to vanity fair you see this woman and there's like a guard gate and they have police everywhere because there's too many people there that they don't want anything to happen to i guess there's dignitaries or whoever like bezos he himself is they're probably keeping an eye on him alone along with everyone else so you have a stop you have to show something in the window of your car and then you have a hard plastic David Spade Vanity Fair thing. So you have to show that.
Then even if they know you, David, go ahead. Next one, stop, get out, show that again, shake down.
I saw a guy go literally, hey, David, do you know this guy, whatever? I go, yeah. And he goes, can you tell him I'm stuck out here? I'm supposed out here I'm supposed to be with him and I'm like oh the chances I would run into this guy inside which I never did but he was stuck too sorry we just don't have the thing and you have to have the thing so it might have been I'm saying it might have been a slight problem just because I saw how rough they were on everyone they weren't even yeah any screw around.
Anytime you're in that party, and if you pivot left or right

or look up or make a sudden move, you will be tackled.

You were in danger of being tackled for two hours

at the Vanity Fair party.

Just taken down, guy with his knee in your back.

What are you doing?

Why are you shaking Jeff Bezos's hand?

Yeah,

I know.

So,

uh,

and then I pushed out on the guy with Siri party because that goes all night

and it's super fun,

but I felt such like fuck pie.

I go,

I can't do it.

And then of course I feel better now.

And I'm like,

Oh,

but of course I can't.

Anyway,

well,

I got a lot out of it and we got age related and we got fun. Let's give it just a show.
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Conan did a great job. Yeah.
Great jokes. He had his serious moments, funny moments.
He kept it light. And I thought it was a home run for Conan.
And I bet he's already been invited to do it next year. And, uh, Adrian Brody, all the highlights I heard where he did a long speech which is fine i do love it when a guy goes stop the music i've been here before you know he told him no no no stop stop please turn off the music i've done this before this is not my first rodeo this is not my whoa can i just make the go ahead the gum one go ahead no not my first rodeo is such a funny figure speech like apparently first rodeos are complete shit shows but the second rodeo is really nice but the first one so you get messed up but uh i saw a girl with a hat on honestly about a week ago and said this is my first rodeo please excuse me this is my first here's the cool thing about this that he talked about so this guy gets the oscar 20 years ago he's a great actor right and then he's kind of in the wilderness years it's not he's not getting as many a parts and he really talks to that like i'm still here hollywood it was very uh open and and emotional but after about 26 minutes of that

I thought okay he said

everything he needs to say

how funny

his pin was her

second hearing

so she took an earring off

oh she took her earring off

and he wore it as a brooch

yes

is this early in a relationship? Is this romance-like? Is it in the first six months? All right. I'll ask you about romance and Heather can chime in.
All right. The clip I saw is he won, he got up, he started walking, he got about 20 feet away, took his gum out and threw it back to her to catch.
And I don't see that in a lot of Hallmark movies, but you know, maybe that's the new romantic gesture. Right.
Take this bitch and hope it sticks in your Oscar hair that you had done for two and a half hours. I had a hostess snowball in my pocket.
One of those hostess snowballs when I I won the Emmy, whoops, how'd that get out?

So I walk into the stage, I look back at Paula.

She was sitting next to like, I don't know, Eddie Van Halen.

I just went.

She had a catcher's mask.

Just romantic.

Yeah, it's very, it's cute.

If I was her, I'd be like, hey, next Oscars, maybe not throw your gum at me.

Maybe not.

Yeah. Did he bring up Weinstein? That's hard too.
That's a tough subject at next Oscars, maybe not throw your gum at me. Maybe not.
Yeah.

Did he bring up Weinstein?

That's hard, too.

That's a tough subject at the Oscars.

Well, I mentioned that before, and it has nothing to do with Weinstein or anyone.

It's just such a turn to go from the Weinstein type, Harvey Weinstein, to Adrian Brody, who

has just this gravitas about him or sadness, or he just has this cool, incredibly genuine person based on what I saw. I like him.
Obviously talented. If he doesn't get an Oscar for 20 years, it means nothing about his acting.
It's just there's so many, there's only X amount of good movies and so many actors that are good that it's just, it's sort of you get lucky. I think he works.
Also, if it's about, he works all the time.

But if it's about the Holocaust, you know,

there's always a chance it's going to be taken very seriously

and it might get pushed to the front of the pile.

It's something, I'm sure it's brilliant.

It's just a place I can't go to anymore.

But, you know, he, Adrian Brody, what do you? I i'm eating a banana i didn't know what time it was i stand dana i still don't i just know i was like i'm gonna pass out the weekend with you we were doing our own thing going around there but every time i turned around you peeling a freaking banana i go is this guy got a potassium deficiency? Bananas is my new go-to. It's easy.

But anything on the podcast, I can't

really eat. I have shit around here, but I can't eat it.

Remember when I handed you an orange? You said, what am I going to do with this?

And you threw it down. I was like, that's not pretty nice.

Give me a goddamn banana.

You're like a monkey.

You need a fucking banana. I don't want people to think I eat food.

Oh, by the way, before we get into the stories,

there was a

quake here the other day.

Did you feel it? What are they talking? Three, nine? It was a chumpy three, six. Embarrassing.
No, that's nothing. Why do you need it? That's like, is the mattress moving? I didn't really feel it.
There was a big one in San Jose. I flew over it while the earthquake was happening.
I think I was on Southwest and the pilot came on and said,

earthquake down in San Jose. I flew over it while the earthquake was happening.
I think I was on Southwest and the pilot came on and said, earthquake down in San Jose right now. Now we're over San Jose.
Now we're not. Now we're over San Jose.
Now we're not. I mean, the whole city was moving.
I was shocked. That's very shocking.
I was surprised. I mean, that's a big earthquake.
That's big. It slides out from under the plane and comes back now we're not shakers tremors i had a friend you know people are telling me they're like it was a three six but felt like a four one because we know our earthquakes out here so i'm like you get into the fives i'll start to listen six i'm scared and it's also, the depth of it and the way it shakes.
Was it a roller? Was it a sideways one? Was it up and down? Does it liquefy? I have a good friend who during the, yeah, I'll tell you more later about that. This is not for the podcast.
Northridge earthquake, which was a six something, but more like created action, like an 8.0. By the front, it was like when it was hitting,

it was going,

this is a big one.

This is a big one.

We got to get out of here.

It was the biggest.

It was like 6.6, right?

Well, look,

look, listen,

the ring of fire in Japan and stuff,

Tokyo can take a 9.2 and they're on ball bearings.

So they just kind of go like that.

We in California with San Andreasreas we're kind of tapped out i hope i'm right at maybe a seven two um because our ugly our you know um things are two tonic plates are moving this way you don't want them to move this way off the coast of oregon They're going to move this way. And that'll be a 12.4.
Oh, the plates. The plates.
If they're moving this way, there's a certain, you know, but if they're moving. Two tonic plates.
Yeah. It doesn't always have to be funny.
It can educate. No, I like it.
I'm riveted. But do you get it? But can you keep up? Yeah.
All right. Let's go to look at some stories.
We've covered everything. We didn't cover the Oscars at all, but it's funny.
Who cares? Kudos to Conan. Oh, wait.
Oh, this is cute. You know how dogs can do a lot of tricks.
This is cute. This dog alerts people of fainting episodes.
This dog, look at how cute it is. So this woman's going to faint.
Bailey comes up. Hey, I have to try to catch you.
You need to lay down because you're going to fall, right? Put the dishes back. Okay.
Put the cascade away. Now she lays down because she feels it coming on.
I don't mind that flooring either, by the way. Then the dog helps her a little bit.
And then he goes, let me get you a beer or something. Electrolytes.
Yeah, electrolytes. Here you go.
Look at how good Bailey is. What a good dog.
See, that's the dog I want to have. And Bailey just turned on the oven.
Shut the door. Put in the pizza rolls.
Now, like, I'm just going to chill here. Oh, what else? Is he going to turn the water on? Is he going to run the garbage? Is he going to do the dishes? He's going to wax the floor with his pot.
He's like, that's all I know how to do. What did he get her? Oh, the medication.
Fucking Bailey. Now he lays with her.

What a cutie.

I know.

You know.

Oh, I want to hang out with Bailey.

Sniff her butt.

He goes, this is part of it.

Takes some medicine.

He goes, hey, one for Bailey. Oh, he wants her to lay down.
I think he wants to do more than lay down. I think he's beat up.
What's happening here? Bailey's a bit horny. I'll be honest.
Oh, my God. Bailey is not.
That's not appropriate. Bailey, this isn't part of it.
I was on Team Bailey, but I see the whole thing is set up for that last dry hump. I am.
Yeah, I didn't like at the end when Bailey went, shh, shh. I'm sorry.
Bailey was just trying to get laid. Let's just call it.
I mean. Yeah.
Bailey's like preying on people with fainting spells, I feel. Yeah.
You like Bailey. You know, where does the phrase horn dog come from? Oh.
Hello, David. I see Bailey's eyes darting right now.
He should be called horn dog. I gave her some, you know, ensure.
All right, let's go to the next one. This is such a well-run machine.
I don't even know what this one is. Oh, oh, Dana, you have to explain to people at home.
I wouldn't do this for a million dollars.

Two doofuses are throwing their blindfolded, basically.

And look what they do.

Would you do this?

This is full of water.

They don't know it's coming.

In the head, would you take...

That'll break your neck. I mean, are you...
Oh, my God. And you're continuing to do it.
So they have like a gallon filled with some water. Dana, could you take this hit to see.
This is where we get. I didn't understand the last part.

Two observations.

Alcohol was involved.

Obviously, they're giggling.

They're numb.

Number two is what in God's name will we do for clicks and views?

And I want you to think about this. You're a smart guy.

You're a tough guy.

You're a good guy.

It's just tremendous.

Think of a stunt we can do.

So we get, you know, three, what do they get?

Two million likes.

I doubt it.

That looks like a low liker and they put in all that effort.

Oh, no.

I thought it was 1.9.

Was there millions on that, Heather?

I didn't see it.

1.7.

I mean, honestly, if you dropped a feather and it hit my head, I would start crying because I cannot take a something filled with water. No, no.
And when you're not ready for it. Oh, my God.
That was not safe and not good. Yeah, welcome to the Internet.
Okay, what's the next one? Don't try this at home. Don't try this podcast at home either.
Okay, here's this. Yeah, be careful.
All right, here we are. What is this? Oh, this is kind of interesting science.
Okay. This phenomenon is called spontaneous synchronization.
So they're taking like, what are those things called? Melodromes or something? Melodromes, yeah. Five melodromes on a...
And they're off. Spontaneous synchronization is a phenomenon where independent oscillating systems like metronomes or fireflies, they naturally fall into sync without any external coordination.
Look, they're getting closer to being the same. For what reason? Wow.
it is observed in nature physics and even biological processes like heart cells little toy metronomes were all discombobulated and then achieved synchronicity without any outside help see very cool okay you can stop it and you think the universe was just random yeah good luck but they say sometimes girls all have their like you know what's together so that's is that sort of i don't want to yeah i'm not involved in this bit i'm not saying a bit i'm saying that's i've heard that that happens when girls like together in like a dorm. They all kind of sync it up somehow.
I'll just put it out there. You're being quiet.
Do you know this story? Have you heard of this? Oh, periods get in sync. Oh, she just nailed it.
There's a lot we don't know about the universe. I was dancing around a little bit, but yeah.
Yeah. You just sums it up by saying there's a lot.
We don't know about the universe know about the universe it's fine eventually i mean we have a telescope out there that's a million miles from earth now and we're gonna be able to see and i always have a hard time with this there's light the big bang big bang big bang all the matter of the universe ahead of a pencil and then it explodes and all this light comes out we're thrown out here we'll be able to see back to the beginning of the big big bang and big bang sorry and i think they just did it and all they saw was a giant eyeball blinking at first i thought you said we have a telescope a million miles away and i'm like that's too far they should have the telescope here that they could see a million miles away. Well, it was cute when it was on a mountain in Hawaii,

but then you get out in outer space, you're going to see a lot better.

Dude, I don't want to know what's out there

because I see stuff from the space station

and there's clearly UFOs flying around and everyone's like,

I'm like, mm-hmm.

Oh, it's real, Dinah.

There's a lot of people got itchy last week

when I said I believed in, what was it, cloud seeding?

I don't know. Yeah.
Chemtrails. said I believed in, what was it, cloud seeding? I don't know.

Yeah.

Chemtrails.

And everyone's like, what?

What do you mean chemtrails?

Was I there for that?

Well, they spray and they put stuff in the air.

Oh, that one.

Yeah, yeah, I remember.

I think they really do it.

Everyone just says, what can I do about it?

There's nothing you can do.

You just have to slurp up that parasite poison or whatever the fuck it is i hope it's not bad that's what i was saying i said someone's gonna merc somebody if that's real because nobody likes to be slowly poisoned to death i don't know i'm crazy that way yesterday they eye doctor said to me you eat a lot of vegetables i go yeah yeah spinach isn, yeah. Spinach, this and that.
He says, spinach is out. And he said, no, it's too many toxins when they make it.
It's too many chemicals. Spinach is out? What is in? He goes, well, don't eat kale.
Salmon with maggots. Salmon with a bunch of parasites in it.
Parasites are the new thing. Like they're probably in everyone to some degree,

even if they're microscopic or they're the kind

they pull out of people.

Literally, it's like this, it's like bleh.

I've only known kind of human parasites

that sort of try to use.

Like plus ones.

I'm more worried.

Human beings are the scariest thing on planet earth.

I'll put it that way.

Yeah, we're worse.

Yeah, we're worse.

We're scary.

All right, next great riveting story.

Yeah, let's do this.

Let's dig in.

I'll see it that way. Yeah, we're worse.
Yeah, we're worse. We're scary.
All right, next great riveting story. Yeah, let's do this.
Let's dig in. Oh, Danny, you'll like this.
This is like a scientific thing that Heather won't be able to fucking handle. The stairwell illusion is one of the hardest to understand.
So here's a guy coming down. Here's a guy just standing.
He's going upstairs, right? Walking. You're not going to like it, Heather.
I'm telling you right now. I don't even understand it.

And you're going to think it's a stairwell.

Hate it. Hate it.

Can't stand it.

My brain is

flipping like a pancake.

I like they give you a graphic like you can show

like, see how easy it is to figure out?

It's a jump cut on the camera.

That's all.

I don't think it's a real thing. It's called an Asherian stairwell is a visual paradox inspired by impossible instructions.
But it's a normal stairwell that just... It creates an optical illusion.
I need more. I'm feeling sick from watching this.
No, I don't. I don't.

I don't understand it.

No, I don't.

It's a documentary about how weird that is.

There's a documentary.

So the basic idea is you're looking at someone go up a stairwell.

They continue to go up.

Then it looks to you like they've gone down or coming up a lower stairwell.

Something like that.

Something like that. I call bullshit.
Oh oh you think it's a camera trick little yeah it's so funny well otherwise let's go to some building a stairwell with a let's do it with an iphone and make history you'll be the guinea pig no offense or nothing i'll stay back with the iphone Let's build an Eshuzian staircase and just do it. That should be our big YouTube bit.
We have a lot of mystery. And then they'll say it's camera tricks, though.
There'll be a bunch of Danas out there. Let's give them something to talk about.
Let's give them something to talk about. Whose song is that? Bonnie Raitt? Yep.
What about, you were just saying,

the big, big bang, the reason I'm...

That's a song on my iPod.

iPod, old man. Okay, next.
Why the raspberries? I don't know. Okay.
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Did you know I saw that Chile, you're saying it wrong. Chile, Chile.
Is it a country? Yeah. They had 19 million people without power out of 21 million without power.
That's what scares me. those things seem so easy to happen in this world that just a couple problems in the grid go, you know, that just scared.
No power. They couldn't go in elevators.
They're stuck here. They're stuck in the street.
I mean, I would not, I would freak then everything rots in your fridge. It's just too much.
Too scary. There was Dick Cheney, love him or hate him but he had one of these quotes everyone's a republican when the lights go out oh i don't even know what it means really well sounds like a good one it's kind of the environmentalist is the last person to build a cabin on the mountain but um we're so dependent on power we take it for granted and um I don't know.
Sometimes we have brownouts. All I need is a banana.
Heal it first. Nope.
I'm not going to play by your rules. How many bananas do you do a day? Five? It always looks like it has a high collar on it.
Hello. It looks like an ice cream bar for I don't know.
Anyway, it's a little fucking on the ancient side. Did you ever have a frozen chocolate banana dipped in? Oh, fuck yes, I did.
Okay, that's a whole other kettle of banana. Well, that's so, I don't know if they have those anymore.
Who invented those? GP Frozen. It's a good invention.
Yeah. I used to go to Dairy Queen and light it up with a Dilly Bar.
I think as a kid, a banana split from Foster Freezer, like a banana split was a magic thing. It had the vanilla, the chocolate, and the strawberry, Neapolitan.
The banana and then chocolate syrup on top. So it was like such an indulgent thing.
What'd you do, dude? I got a banana split, man. Oh, they're unreal.
Oh, full Monty. Yeah.
I wonder if people are still listening, but I think they are. This is, this is so, and I like this kind of talk because it throws me back to when I used to eat more sugar.
I fucking loved it. I look good in this light.
Let's do this at the God dang Vanity Fair party. I looked at the metrics and most people fast forward to minute 45 on Super

Play.

I don't want to hear anything about bananas.

They just joined us.

For those of you just joined,

we'll show another story.

Okay.

Okay.

I don't know what this is.

Okay.

Great paint foot,

smash ass onto a jeans jacket, and voila, it's a blob of shit. This girl just rates people's fashion.
In my pants. That doesn't seem like a five-minute crap to me.
Crap. All right, take your motherfucking shoelaces out of your shoes and do some early 2000s bullshit.
Her underpanties are going to show. That looks like shit.
She's a tough critic. What am I watching, please? Well, people get on like a TikTok or something on one side.
They show one like we do, and then they just critique it from the other side. Like they'll have a cook.
Oh, I got it. And he'll watch someone cooking something and go, okay, you put the stuff in there.
You're good so far. Why are you adding that? And then they just criticize.
That sucks. I like that woman just like trashing someone's dreams.
She was just, she's a funny character. You look like shit.
Yeah. Okay, next one.
That's good, though. I don't do that with you.
I like your outfits. I have a uniform.
I just wear that. Dana looked good at the corporate gig, Heather.
He had a little suit on. Did I? Little jacket, yeah.
I'm never going to go do stand-up again with a tucked-in shirt because I'm fighting it the whole time. It's riding up, the buttons.
Oh, it's tough to do stand-up.

You're moving around.

I need an untucked shirt.

Remember the company Untucked?

Did they go bankrupt?

Call us.

Untuck it?

No, there's too many of them.

Yeah.

Oh, they still exist though

because it closed it.

Untuck it, yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

Call us.

We'll sponsor you.

Okay.

Can you do this, Dana?

Okay.

I didn't mean to cut you off there, but. Not at all.
That was this i always think could i do these things i think i could do this and i'm so delusional i think i could do this you think you could do this i think you could dan i i don't know that's pretty, that's like a guy sprinting in this snow cone tunnel and just going up and up.

I would have to try it.

I don't know.

I would hope I could do it.

I would hope I could.

You're strong.

You have strong quads and you have endurance.

That's a tough one.

But if you're in, here's the one I think I can do in parkour.

This is one if I was stuck and it was life or death, they jump off a building onto a pole and slide down it's the only way down if it's the only way you just do it you clamp so hard but you got to grab it exactly perfectly on the way down and grab and then you slide it slows you down a little bit i couldn't do as good as they do but i've seen those yeah i won't do it unless i have to so don't ask me to do it did you were you were you kind of a daredevil as a kid yeah a little bit sometimes because skateboard or what was your skateboarding and then went out for every sport i had three older brothers right stacked and so we're living in san mateo california and there's these old mattresses you find at the dump.

Oh, yeah.

And they were jumping out of the second story window on them.

And I was four years old, so I was afraid.

But the next day, they all went to school, and I decided to climb out on the ledge.

No way.

And then I sort of panicked.

So I'm hanging from the window, and the neighbor calls my mom and says,

I think your son Dana is hanging from the window. Oh my gosh.
What are you doing out here? What are you doing? What in goodness name? The other time I- God's green earth are you doing. I crawled into the dryer and somehow it got closed behind me.
So she said to came in, I was just, I'm four years old. I weigh like 30 pounds and I'm just like going like this.
On the glass. On the glass from the inside.
Choking on lint. Lint.
Lint blabby. All right, let's do another.
We don't have to do too many more. We can keep going.
We're looking good. We're killing it actually.
What's this joke? Oh, my daughter met poop and pee at the city wastewater treatment exhibit and cried when we had to leave them. So they have mascots for poop and pee, I guess.
And what is the point of that to educate little kids about? About toilets and how it goes down. Okay.
The comment goes, and they say, never meet your heroes. That's a good one.
That's a good one. How do I land that gig? That's funny.
Dude, I would do that part-time to make money. Oh, yeah, of course.
Dress up in a thing. I would do rock, paper, scissors for pee.
I'd rather be pee, I think. Did you ever, as a youngster, stand outside like an ice ice cream store something and just hold a sign and turn it and stuff like hey come over oh no that thing i can't yeah i'm not a great stander i can't stand for hours on end anymore not as much fun as i that used to standing's good for us it's the sitting compresses oh standing keeps your body moving yeah yeah we already walked We already walked Heather.
Helps your spine. Heather, do we walk you? Walk the crowd.
We have a crowd of one here in Sherlock. Same old, same old.
Okay. So anything, final thoughts? I'll tell you there's an AI Tommy boy thing that people keep sending me on.
I think the Bell Brothers or someone put out, A.I. Tommy Boy.
Maybe we'll play it next week.

A scene or a movie?

Yeah, it has us going on Shark Tank.

Within three to five years, you will be able to say, Tommy Boy 3, they're in the army.

And then within one second, you'll have a perfect feature film and you'll have a film done. I could say- And I'll still complain that it was hard to do.
Wayne and Garth in the Wild West, boom. And then the movie would be done.
So all those people out there, the grips, the lighting people, the makeup, I don't know what to say. The actors.
What about Wayne's World 3?

They go to Uranus.

That would be that good Wayne's World one.

And then they would giggle.

They say, let's go to Uranus.

And then they would laugh for like 90 minutes.

Sounds like your butt.

I always said, people ask me, what's with Wayne's World?

I said, the two biggest losers in town are the happiest people in town.

Yeah, I like that. Because they ritualize every single moment of their life.
They're in a good mood. People like to see people that are having fun.
Yeah, let's go to Stan McEutis, man. Get some donuts.
By the way, I think there's an assembly of busboys so far. An assembly.
I haven't seen it. We're letting the director.
Jonah's going to do stuff to it. Well, like Spielberg, you have assemblies just constantly updated.
You're seeing every day you have the scene cut on some. So you should have a rough cut by now.
I've only seen a couple scenes cut, which I liked. But I think the trick is what's everything in a rogue? People don't know you shoot a movie out of sequence.
Some people don't. So you have any continuity you're like you shoot your last scene first and middle one then one of the first one then you go so it's very hard to get it to feel how it's going as a story what's the heart tugger well they're bus boys they struggle yeah yeah his dad's in jail okay and you get him out and he gets hit by a car early on like he's a little off and uh and then we he doesn't have a dad and his mom doesn't really like him so i take him in geez it's like joe duer or something it's like any any movie where people are like have stacked Well, if this is a classic comedy, R-rated, maybe 75 minutes, and then you have the closing credits.
That's only an hour 15. Well, then closing credits will pad you to 85.
We'll definitely do a gag reel. If it's got these tentpole funnypole funny scenes that's all people really live for that you know like five or six really big funny moments yeah that's all you need

i i i think we're gonna get it down about an hour 40 and then have judd look at it make it 220

it's weird but theo hit me up and um this is kind of i shouldn't even say this but um i'm editing

i'm editing busboys you are i'm i'm the editor and I think it's going to be great. You know what? I wouldn't mind that.
I would trust you. I think it's going to be great.
You come off great. Theo's great.
I don't know the editor, but I've seen a few things. So I, and you know, the director gets, per the union, he gets the first cut.
So I don't mind that. That's the way it's always been.
So he's going to get it. He's going to report while he's doing it.

And then we'll all go in there and take a look.

So I'm excited.

Yeah.

Anyway.

Oh, we did it.

We still did an hour.

Look at us, Dana.

I know.

We just, it's shit.

I don't know how we do it.

No, people are eating dinner and doing stuff.

Yeah, they're riveted.

This shit's great.

We should be called the backgrounders.

This is what you listen to when you're doing other things.

Yeah, listen while you're doing something important.

Superfly happens while you're busy making other plans.

You know what?

John Lennon.

Yeah, that's what life is too.

Life, wait, what is the phrase?

Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.

John Lennon, Beautiful Boy, Double Fantasy Album, 1980.

All right. People quote the line, but they don't remember where it came from.
Okay, that's it. We'll see you next time.
We'll see you next time on SuvLive. You can buy tickets for the tour now on my David Spitz.
And also, we're at the Fantasy Springs. Oh, yeah.
By the time this happens, we'll be there the next day, right? So then you get a two for one. No, it's not.
Oh, it's in a week. Oh, yeah.
Okay. Okay.
It's not the next day. We do our funny stuff and then we're going to come out and it's going to be mayhem.
We're going to take questions. I don't want to use the term razzle dazzle, but you'll be razzled and dazzled.
Let's put it this way. It's called Nothing's Off the Table Tour.
We only have two dates in the tour. We've already done one.
We've done one. We're halfway done.
Yeah. But it should be a banger.
It's mostly because I don't think Dana wants to go around the world and do this. I don't.
It's getting late in the game to just go, hey, you guys want to do a world tour? We're like, oh, my God. I don't know.
Because the podcast is seen everywhere. So, like, you want to go to Australia? You want to go to England? I'm like, I love those places.
I just don't know. Heather wants to go, of course.
You want to tour like the Rolling Stones. They do a date and then they take four days off.
They pack Mick and Ice. They do a thing.
He's extraordinary. But I'm not- My friend? Yeah.
Your friend, your buddy, your doppelanger. You guys are like twins or something, but you're much younger.

But he's in incredible shape. But they do take four days off, then they do another one.

So they tour, and it's six weeks.

And they're in a 747, and they stay at the Taj Mahal.

And it's arenas.

But yeah, you don't – there's ways to do like little mini –

We're in a motel, four and a half.

Which started three years ago, and they're going round and round.

I mean, it's just like, I don't know.

It wears people out.

I get it.

All right, we're going to end.

All right.

Okay, I'll see you later, Dana.

Bye, guys.

This has been a presentation of Odyssey Superfly.

It's executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade,

Jenna Weiss-Berman of Odyssey, Heather Santoro, and Greg Holtzman.

Hope you liked it.