How To Kill The Fly on the Wall & Old School Throwbacks

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Welcome to the podcast, everybody.

Welcome to my

humble podcast.

That's my new thing.

I want this idea to go for at least 10 episodes.

Yeah, I know.

I'm running with it.

I love being a guest because I don't have to do any prep.

Everything is on you.

No offense or nothing.

Then, if we talk over, I go, Dana, this is, let me talk on the home.

Let's remember whose show this is.

Yeah, that's a good thing.

I'll say that more.

I looked a little pale yesterday.

Not yesterday, but on the show.

Pale?

The last show, yeah.

I'm trying to.

This is funny.

I'm in the black room and you're in the white.

It's hysterical.

But I have little fellas around.

I like it.

Listen, we're different.

I, you know, I can't tell.

Like, if I look at clips, I look like I'm all washed out just like crazy.

And then I'll look at other things.

Oh, not too bad.

So now I'm close, you know, I'm in a room and I have two windows with curtains.

So I'm closing them more.

So I kind of, I kind of match you, but I don't have the

pitch black.

It's like you are in a window protection program.

I think I'm going to have to switch it next time and try dark gray.

One of the walls is dark gray.

This room is so big, I have 19 walls.

It's hard to explain.

And 31 bedrooms.

It doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter.

I don't care.

I don't care.

Five pantries.

No, I wouldn't tell anyone that.

Well, I remember when I came over once and I said, you know what, I just didn't get in my run this morning.

You said, just go upstairs.

So I ran for about 45 minutes and I kept seeing new bedrooms.

You were still in one pantry.

I ran four miles.

I was still on your property.

I have a safe pantry where I go in there with a big, where I can stay if there's a...

crook in my house.

I know, and chocolate bars all around the house.

Oh, I will tell you what happened in my house.

I was going to tell you last time.

I was getting in my shower.

This might seem like a nothing story.

It's not.

It's any story is important.

Go.

It's important.

You know this.

So I'm getting in my shower, and there's a fly made it all the way upstairs.

One.

And he's in my bathroom.

I don't like it.

I don't really care.

I don't like it, though.

So I go in my shower.

Now he's in the shower.

What to do?

So I have a little washcloth

that

I just had in my hand because I was a little nervous.

I wasn't thinking.

I was holding it.

So I kind of behind my back went like that.

And I grazed him.

So he kind of spins out and he goes to the wall,

like kind of high and he's

kind of like this.

And I'm like, oh my God, he felt that.

Like it didn't knock him out, but I could tell he was a little disoriented.

Yeah, he took a knee, obviously.

He really took a knee.

And I think, I don't know if they have solar plexus, but that's probably where I hit him.

And I go, we got a fly on the wall over here.

So anyway, he's up there.

He's like, this.

And then I'm like, I'm looking at him.

I'm like, are you okay, dude?

And he's like,

I'm like,

you don't even know what I'm saying.

He doesn't know what I'm saying.

It's not comprehending.

He's like,

yeah.

So I go, oh, shit.

And he's like, no, no, it's cool.

I was heading over here anyway.

I go, no, you weren't.

You were going over by the shampoos, but fine, I'll let you say that.

And then I thought,

I was like, oh my God,

what if i really tried i wasn't i was half speed i was just like that what if i tried to hit him he doesn't even know what's going on because i'd whip his ass because what if i was like you want me to wind up

you don't want me to wind up because if i wind up and hit him done you're like you're much bigger you're just a lot bigger than the fly yeah and so he's there and then i said you know what

you're not like if you're a ref you'd be like this so i go you're grounded from flying.

So why don't you walk down the wall and then lay down?

Take a nap.

You're not going to fly.

No more flying today.

What a shower.

You know, what a shower.

And he saw me naked too.

And I'm like, and we're going to shut up about that part.

Oh, they love that.

You know,

Singapore, okay, just looking this up.

Singapore, they have literal fly fights.

So they train flies, almost like pit bulls or something, to fight each other.

And they always it's their de facto weight class is flyweight

that's pretty good yeah i you know i took a shower and i bumped i like how you lifted your phone for that i bumped my head on the shower nozzle yeah and then i was like okay

you weren't there last time i showered so hey nozzle If you're going to move around,

we're going to have a problem.

So your nozzle's moving around now.

Well, I just like the idea that I like that, that you blame the nozzle.

Yeah, because like, how do I top blaming an organic creature?

But I'll tell you what I do do, and this is no joke, not getting around here.

It's no joke.

Let me get a pro.

Yeah, I gotta do it.

I'll do it for you while you're going.

It's no joke.

Here's what I do.

It's no joke, folks.

No joke.

No, I'm not getting around here.

I did it while you were going.

I don't know if you could tell, but what I do do, it's a little bit like you.

Like, there's a fly in the house.

I don't look at it.

I try to act nonchalant as I

apply it.

Like they don't see any move because somehow their little brains can sort of tell if you're getting ready.

So you're not, you're not reacting at all.

And then it's like that.

Oh, yeah, I do that.

Well, kind of what you implied you were doing is backing away and then whack, you know.

Yeah, but mine was really unplanned.

But I do what you do.

I plan it.

Like, I go, oh, I'm just going to chop the celery.

I don't care if there's a fly.

I don't even notice you.

And then I make a swing and I always miss.

And he goes, you fucking idiot.

You thought, you thought you could get me with that bullshit?

I'm like, I did think that.

My nozzle was talking to me like that, too.

No, we dealt with flies for years and all this stuff.

And then we got a screen door.

But anyway, it doesn't matter.

My mom doesn't know why she has so many flies.

And she's got

me, I mean, she always has food now.

She has a lot of nice food out.

She always wants us all to eat at all times.

Oh, eat, eat, you're going to blow away.

But then the doors are all open and she has the AC on 41.

And it's 116 out.

I go, mom, you have to shut something.

Because you don't like cold air in your face.

I have news flash.

Well, you know this.

I do not.

And then when I'm in the plane, it's like a

I don't love that.

And then if this person's is on me, I'm like.

Excuse me.

Does any way you could bend it back towards you?

That was a good one.

By the way, I just saw Woody Allen on our friend Bill Maher's.

Oh, Bill Maher.

Club.

Bill Maher.

You know, shoot up because, you know, it's a club, but it's basically just a bedroom.

You know, you're calling a clubhouse.

It's very quite random.

I don't want to be pedantic.

I don't mean to be didactic or facetious.

I don't want to be anything that ends with that.

Andre Preven, a wonderful guy.

How'd you think this show?

No, you're a wonderful guy.

God

cast host.

You know,

you're very informative and you're asking questions that maybe two people in Nebraska care about.

The smell of weed, I thought it was in Wiz Khalifa's chimney.

Yeah.

By the time the fourth cocktail came,

I felt you were speaking a foreign language of some type, or maybe some alien came down and taught you how to speak.

By the fourth, Tom Collins, you know.

I thought I was in a professional show.

I'm in a treehouse.

No, you're a wonderful, you know, you're a wonderful thing.

You're a beautiful, intelligent woman.

I've seen one television show in the last 19 years.

He says, I'm reading War and Peace for this 11th time.

Bill's like, have you seen Alien Earth yet?

How many episodes?

He's like,

what's Hulu?

Hulu hoop?

Watch this doubt nabby everybody's talking about.

He's right by it.

There's only one woody allen he's like but i do love

love island uk

i know i wanted to be there because everyone i wanted to ask him about midnight at paris because i'm just a psycho fan of that and i've heard a little birdie told me that uh paul thomas anderson is also a huge fan of that particular movie and the reason i love it is because our our friend owen wilson is the perfect surrogate woody Like, Woody would have played that part, but Owen has, you know,

you know,

now I can't do him.

You talk first.

I gotta get out of Woody.

Well, it was so here's because I think a lot of Woody's movies he has someone sort of play a version of him.

Yeah,

you know, um,

because now I'm doing Woody.

This is are you doing a combo Owen Woody right now?

No, I just want to do Owen from the movie, okay?

You know, Godot, and I think it'd be great if, see, I'm doing Woody now.

This is a this isn't, I keep owen doing a little himself trying to be a little like woody or not maybe a little bit but i think owen's natural cadence and tone yeah yeah matched his reflective and i'm a little bit it's a it's a little inside baseball on people do impressions you do you know

because you it's hard to go from there to you know owen wilson doing it because uh what i do i do this in my act i go owen wilson tells the two-year-old he can't have any more candy sorry little buddy you you can't have any more candy.

So that's

my act now, folks.

I'm not trying to light the world on fire.

I just want people to get a little relief from this fucking laugh, by the way.

Well, because it's, I like ridiculousness now.

You know,

I've got a ridiculous thing quickly.

By the way, we should get PTA on Paul Thomas Anderson.

I would love to.

He's a friend of the show.

He is,

you know, Benny's Maya's Maya's

Hausban, who I adore, Maya Rudolph.

Maya Rudolph.

He's brilliant.

I mean, he's, you know, oh man, if you ever want to see a brilliant movie, we'll put on Magnolia.

It's like just crazy.

Magnolia is the only one I have not seen.

It's out there.

And Boogie Knights, of course, and then all the other ones he's done.

He just has a kubrick-y, you know, sort of a kubrick-y Woody Allen kind of motif going there with a, with a bit of, you you know Donald Sutherland vibe.

I don't know.

Punch drunk love, too.

Oh, yeah,

friend of the show, Adam.

I love that phrase, a friend of the show.

I do too.

I stole it right from Lauren.

Paul Simon, you want to make a sketch?

We'll try him.

He's a friend of the show.

Now my hair, I came in nice with some lift, and as the show goes on,

it's like a bunk cake.

It's flattened.

Your fucking cake has fallen.

no your hair is terrific it's it's like a reverse baking thing you know with julia childs you know because

what falls what i'm not even making sense anymore something falls

i don't know

my hair is greased back today and combed so i was so shamed by last week's pale blue shirt messy hair okay here's what we're going to do okay i'm going to tell you something that was on my phone that's annoying Ready?

Okay, go ahead.

So you might not get this, Dana, because you

probably don't get a lot of spam.

Here's the spam I got today.

What they do is a new trick.

Okay.

Heather knows this.

I guess.

They give you,

they want you to answer not an email, but a text.

So it's a phone number you don't know,

and it says something.

Yeah, I get all the, yeah.

that makes you want to answer because it could be a friend or something.

So today was sort of clever.

It said, can we go over something quickly?

Yes, I've been getting those, those type of

teasers or like, I feel bad that we never talked about this, dot, dot, dot.

Yeah, it's those are good ones, yep.

Because I want to write those.

Yeah.

Because it's really hooky where you go, you're absent-mindedly go, talked about what?

Who is this?

I don't have your number, you know, and then they got you.

I don't know how they got you, but they got you.

Don't ever click on anything.

Don't No, don't believe anything.

My mom did it.

She'd call them, oh, maybe it was something about my personal information.

Let me send you a link to my bank account.

I had a relative, my mother-in-law,

who's Irish and very sincere and 90 years old at the time, I think.

And she got scammed saying that.

you know, we know this and that.

And can you go to Target and get little coupons?

Gift cards?

Gift cards.

Send them to her or something.

And then they just disappeared.

So yeah, everything's a scam.

Even my wife is out for the day and she comes through the door here.

I just go, look, I totally believe it's you, but could you just, honey, could you just give me your social security number?

Just, just, just give it, you know,

last four days.

You know, cumin me because

I can't.

I'm going to do what I'm on the entire thing.

I like it.

I can't get out of it.

I won't get sick of it.

I laugh every time.

It's funny to me.

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Here's another spam text I wrote that you wrote.

I wrote that I should write for them.

Oh, got it.

Go.

Did you understand my last email?

Oh,

good one.

Everyone's going to go, who is what email?

And now we got you by the fucking short and curlies.

I feel bad for the way we left things off.

ah

uh oh here he goes

let me get

let me get this set up again to reiterate so my very first job in show business sitcom in new york and rockefeller centers the mickey rooney show and i played the grandson and nathan lane played the roommate we had scatman cruthers and meg ryan it lasted 13 weeks whatever and mickey was the most eccentric

person I'd ever met.

My first job, I thought it was, he was just a normal guy.

He had a 38 revolver and he would wave it around.

They're not going to get me.

Who, Mickey?

Who, you know, well, if anybody in New York City tries to plug me, I'll plug them right back.

And I've done this probably before, but he said this many times a day about his career from the, in the 1930s.

I was the number one star in the world.

Hear me?

Bang.

The world.

That wasn't my best.

The world.

So anyway, so over the years, people go, oh, it's an exaggeration.

John Mulaney.

Oh, you're lying.

John Mulaney would pay me cash dollars to do it for him.

So Dennis Miller, our buddy, sent us this, and it's a video of Mickey Rooney doing an acting class.

And it's all very Mickey.

You'll see.

This is Mickey.

I'll tell you what I want to do.

You're not going to get into this thing unless I let you win.

The word act, A-C-T.

And I'm Mickey Rooney.

Do you know how important you are?

Hey, Daddy.

Hello, honey.

God, you're all dressed up.

Yeah.

Going out tonight?

I think I'm just going to go out with my friends.

Not the same friends that

I've been seeing you with lately.

I can make my own decisions.

Just treat me.

Why not?

She's good.

Do you know why I do that?

You know why?

Because I am.

Because you are.

Make it a little familiar.

I love you too, honey.

That's why I'm careful about you.

You were excellent, my sweet.

Patted her her ass 30

you were excellent did you connote kiss her hand

read one book every two months okay well it'll be six books a year because you want this to be fertile yes

fertile

hi honey

Hi, dear.

Hi, honey.

I sawed my legs off.

Did you work hard?

Imagine

in a room with this guy?

A lot of people would think we want to be hypocritical about this.

What is this, an underacting class?

I don't know to be in the classroom.

I didn't know it was this long.

And you're going to be talking about it.

I love it.

I know.

Turtleneck, maroon turtleneck, no less.

Every chick is four feet tall.

So that is no exaggeration.

He is four feet tall.

He would announce himself as a fire plug.

They try to get me this fire plug.

I'll throw him over the front of an Oldsmobile.

Oldsmobile won't be what he would just

scream, you know, Judy Carlin never owned a car.

What do you mean, Mickey?

Because they pumped her so full of drugs they killed her.

He would talk till then he'd well up.

Well, he would talk until he ran out of breath, you know.

Then for your edification,

I think they should call senior citizens more experienced people because they are more.

it's just

he was an exploding insane man and uh he made me he he tried to coach me in a scene we were in a rehearsal hall i was just would come in out and i'd say good morning mrs green he got up no you got to be natural he said good morning mrs green we did it for two hours

I've seen it's no one would matter nothing would matter just good morning Mrs.

Green be natural be natural but by the end we were friends because I would do Jimmy Stewart he loved that i could do jimmy stewart come here dana sit on my lap i knew jimmy stewart i got him his first job in the business everything was grandiosity and

i'm the one that told him to do wonderful life

he thought it was dog

and then he was in her my parents worshiped him first day of shooting there's a magazine cover of farah fawcet And I don't know what he meant, but he put it on his crotch and said, I'd like to stick it in her brown.

I think I know.

I don't.

So my parents, my parents said, how is Mickey Rudy?

He's a delight.

I go, he is a delight, mom.

A lot of innuendo.

So that's my Mickey Rooney story.

I love that and I like the video.

Well, we can get into videos and news.

One news story that I'm jumping around is, we'll start with this one.

Oh, is this about, okay, one story I thought was interesting.

You love basketball.

This Kawhi Leonard story is very interesting, even if you're not into basketball.

The quick story, and then we'll play this.

They were looking for ways to pay him secretly.

And this must happen all the time.

So Steve Ballmer from the Clippers

starts it.

He has like a tree planting company, and they pay.

Kawhi $28 million to be like a spokesman, but he doesn't have to do anything.

Now, spokesman, if he posted once on Instagram, he could have an argument like, oh, that's what I'm supposed to do is get the word out on trees.

But here, we'll hear a little bit about on this one.

I think I know

what we know is that NBA executives were suspicious of how Steve Ballmer's Clippers landed the most valuable free agent on the market, Kawhi Leonard.

That the NBA did not find that Balmer got Kawhi by sweetening their offer.

But also that in March 2025, this celebrity-endorsed multi-billion dollar, allegedly fraudulent tree brokerage named Aspiration, which promises to clear your conscience and your emissions.

They file for bankruptcy.

And this is where the clue is.

What David's looking at with his glasses on is a bankruptcy filing, and there's a list of creditors, the entities to which Aspiration and all of their alleged fraudulence still owes the most money.

And what I noticed is what David is noticing right now, which is that on that list of creditors up near the top above the Boston Red Sox is an LLC.

Tiny little company that aspiration owes seven million dollars and that llc's name david is what a kl2 aspire oh you got to change it a little

and what does it list there under manager or member name

kawhi leonard whose nba jersey number just to connect all the shots

happens to be what

number two

So then the question is to aspire part of KL2 Aspire LLC, right?

Because, okay, he's getting all this money, millions of dollars.

What I started doing was scour the internet for any mentions of aspiration, any appearances, tweets, quotes, Instagram posts.

Not really busting his heart.

Like Kawhi Leonard endorsing aspiration.

And this was hard to find.

Which also might seem weird, right?

Because every other celebrity aspiration.

The whole illicit thing, and I don't know if they said that right up top, but it's pretty long, was a way, the salary cap.

They have the salary cap

for NBA teams to try to keep it even.

So there's only so much you can pay all your players.

And this is a way to get Kawei,

who's an incredible player, more money without it being part of his direct salary, right?

And this guy discovered it.

Right, but this must happen right and left.

I mean, people are going to teams and they can't go over the cap.

So they're like, well, sweeten it.

He loves being here.

He wants to play with Paul George or whoever, you know, and then they go, oh, that's surprising.

But yeah, he has family there.

And then you find out he gets a cute 28 million on the side.

Yeah.

Which is great.

It's a little sneaky.

I mean, one is this: I know Steve Ballmer.

I did a Microsoft event where I was doing cards

and I was interviewing Bill Gates.

And then Ballmer got up and gave a speech, and he was like a firebrand.

He's high energy.

20,000 people.

Microsoft, it's like a cult.

And then he started to sweat, like just intensely armpit sweat.

So when he ended, I said, I have three words for you.

Air it extra dry.

And it brought down the house.

Good night, everybody.

He's our Mickey Rooney.

I think this could get him in trouble because this is like a fraud situation.

Right.

This is breaking the rules of the MBA.

I don't know if there's other levels of legality, but in the legal world, which I don't know who started it, Michael Jordan, probably, and some before him, but Jordan really took off where you take your

basketball money and you invest in other things.

And so when Kaiwei, is that a Hawaii?

When, no, Kevin Durant was with the Warriors, he was always spending time in Silicon Valley with angel investors, and he got very, very, very wealthy that way, using his salary to go.

Well, it helps when you start with 80 million to invest.

Yeah.

Okay, we won't.

Some people are like, enough sports.

That was more of a business story.

I have a couple little just observations I can insert here.

One was, I thought it was interesting, you know, these hearings all the time.

So they had a hearing where they're grilling

Robert Kennedy Jr.

and the guy at the end's going, and you're not doing the right thing.

And

I haven't been able to get a hold of you.

And I have no way.

We haven't talked in months and nothing.

And Bobby Kennedy Jr.

very calmly just said, well, Senator, I remember our conversation very well.

And I gave you my cell phone number eight months ago and said, call me anytime.

And the guy just got red face and go, well, your staff never reached out.

I like it.

I thought it was John Kennedy you're talking about.

Oh, well, I will, within his term,

Bobby kidding jr he will have a uh jfk ai that would say the exact same thing

introducing jfk ai mechanism three two one

well i uh do remember what you told me eight months ago i gave you my cell phone i told you could call me anytime I didn't say it because it was easy, because it was hard.

Hard.

Hard if you want to do JFK.

I like it.

The other thing I want your take on this.

I think it's funny when authoritarian authoritarian leaders walk together and create a summit.

So you're seeing Putin, Yi, and Yong.

Like, what do they talk about?

You know,

I assassinated 20 people a day.

I mean,

what's the connection there?

I don't think it's about their fantasy football league.

It should be.

Do you like the look in their eyes when you execute them?

I don't know.

But anyway.

I mean, they're just like, listen, we all have a commonality.

We kill people.

We're dictated.

I mean, we get along on some levels.

We're different, but we're the same.

Yeah.

What I like most about being myself is that everyone's afraid of me.

And I tell everyone to do.

So a billion people are afraid of you.

Yes, one billion.

And I love it.

What was Kim Jong there, my boy?

That guy with his dimples?

I can't stay mad at that guy.

So funny.

He's kind of cute.

He's like a little, yeah,

he's like a little Disney character.

He's they should have a Kim Jong wound.

We'll do his cut to us.

Cut to us.

He'll never hear this.

Well, like people he doesn't like, he doesn't just have people shoot him.

He takes like an artillery thing, like a giant.

Oh, yeah.

I've probably at Town Town Square.

Yeah, oh, Tiana Mon.

They make a big production out of some of those things.

Anyway, too dark.

Let's keep going.

Sorry.

Took us in the wrong direction.

Here's some stories.

Oh, I thought this was funny.

Yeah.

This is about this is based on you.

That's you in the picture.

When the plane makes weird sounds and you try to act cool, but your soul already left your body.

Okay, play it.

Wait, what?

It got stuck in the middle, but they goes,

and the kids are

because you're trying to relax.

But you said this, and it happened on my flight to Alaska where it goes,

it makes like a real whining, and then it just goes away.

And you're like, does that mean we're free-falling now?

Or

did something stop?

It's the A320 Airbus.

I'm a perfectly fine airplane, but when it takes off, it sounds like a lawnmower going full blast.

It feels like the plane is screaming to get up in the sky.

Yeah,

a minute in or so.

I'm ready for it.

It does a huge downshift, and you kind of feel like they're taking the power off.

The load is falling.

And it sounds disappointed.

But you're never scared because man up front drive big plane.

Me happy.

No, I'm scared because I actually,

on the way to Hawaii, the flight attendant was nice.

She gave me a list of things I should.

She was going to the show already and she goes, oh, you're on the flight.

I can't believe it.

I'm going to make you a list of things to do in Alaska.

And I go, oh, okay.

She brings me a list of maybe 200 things.

And I'm like, well, I'm there for about 30 hours.

But it was all this fun stuff.

You know, D-Claw Bear.

Go up on the town of Mount Magushku and wrestle a rattlesnake.

But I did, I was looking for mooses.

Those sound fun to see.

I did not see one.

I didn't see a moose.

Well, let me ask you a question.

Even if you have time, there's been so many movies, you know,

and where they're in the sea plane in Alaska.

Hey, it's a beautiful day up here.

And then suddenly,

and the propeller goes,

and they go down.

So those are, if they don't crash, it would be spectacular to take those up to a lake, a seaplane, and go off.

But what could I get you on one if I paid for it?

Good question.

I don't, I don't know.

I mean, there's helicopters that do it all day, every day, and there's no problems, but.

Funny how you only know about the problems.

That's the thing.

And it hypnotizes you into darkness.

Right.

One crash a year and suddenly you're the bad guy.

I mean, helicopters have a bad rap already.

And then the little Cessnas, and I did think Alaska was great.

I really wanted to just see it.

Yeah.

And it was great to just walk around

anchorage and just see it.

And then we drove around, checked out some views

and saw some salmon on people's plates.

So that was something.

I would want to go up there just to see the environment.

Yeah.

And how were the,

so did you play one show or more than one show go all the way up one show one show only

that's what steve martin used to say

well i'm gonna finish my career and i'm gonna put every fan of mine in one place in a huge stadium and i'm gonna do one show

goodbye

but it was fun they were a good crowd it rained on them and uh

Oh, that's right.

Yeah, it rained on them.

So I actually, nice people.

Yeah.

Let's not beat it together.

Okay, what's the next story?

What do we got?

Got some real good stuff.

Let's go.

Everything I ate at the poop restaurant in Taiwan.

Oh, I thought she was going to say tasted like poop.

Everything I ate at the poop restaurant in Taiwan.

She's all excited.

Welcome to Modern Toilet, a poop-themed restaurant.

You even have poops on the table.

Hello, sharks.

It's so funny because your drinks come in different types of urinal.

I ordered the urinal

and it truly looked like pee.

Mentally, I couldn't drink it out of the containers.

so I poured it in the corner.

Oh, that's what finally stopped.

Human beings have way too much free time.

It's basically a hot pot out of a toilet bowl.

It felt very weird, but eventually I got used to it.

I'm an angel investor in this with Kawhi.

And it came with those super cute, smiley fries and a lot of size.

You eat out of a toilet?

I love it.

For dessert, I got a chocolate soft serve.

It looked so realistic that it was really hard for me to eat it.

I wasn't a big fan, but I think it was because of the visuals.

What is the name of this restaurant?

The poop restaurant?

Where is it?

It's called the Poop Cake Factory.

No, I don't know.

The only thing that might top it is just a restaurant called, you know, Vomit and More, you know, where everything is

vomit.

I'm trying to think

worse.

I see that you could make chocolate ice cream look like poop, but after that, I'd have to really brainstorm.

Yeah, I guess you can make anything look like poop.

I like they covered something looking like pea out of a

okay for your dessert.

Who wants a catheter?

We got the catheter pie.

Yeah, we uh we have little stents for you, chocolate stents.

And we have a thing called the bypass where it looks like we saw a rib cage, but it's all made of vanilla pudding in half.

Yep.

Yeah.

Here's the spleen splitter.

It's a biscuit.

Well, I don't think we're going there mostly because it's too far away.

It's too far far away.

Otherwise, we'd be there tonight.

Just to say we did.

Just to do research and write it off.

Okay, next one.

What do we got?

What do we got here?

Oh, so these streamers, I've seen these with their hands, but not with their bodies.

They sell on like a QVC,

but it goes so fast.

And this girl.

It says she made 18 million in seven days with this company

because she tries on dresses.

You know how they walk out and they show you a dress on QVC and they go, This is Nora.

And she's, this is a full-figure dress, and it's got some ruffles and the turnaround.

And then this is how they do it there.

Go ahead.

I like the kick up.

That was that.

Oh, is this brand?

Okay.

She kicks it up with her foot.

Always fucking sticks.

That's all you get for that one.

Do you like it?

Any questions?

Too late.

So she has to talk

about SNL in your change booth backstage.

Very skillful for me, dog.

Little house in the curry.

The little kickup is the best part.

She's really good at the dressing part.

Instead of doing a jump cut where she changes, like, you know, did you ever, you're too young for this.

I don't know if Gregory would have a clip, but on the Ed Sullivan show, they had all these jugglers and variety acts.

And one of them was, I remember as a kid, they'd be dressed in something, and then they would just duck behind a thing and come back out within a second, completely dressed in something else.

Or just walk behind it, they're in something else, walk back, they're in something else.

So it puts that one to shame, man.

Not a compliment.

Did you know what they were doing or you were baffled?

I could not believe how exactly it was happening.

Like any good magic trick, it was like too much for my brain.

That was like SNL, that girl, because, you know, when you run off a sketch, you can't even get to the dressing room.

You just go right under the bleachers and they go take everything off.

Yeah.

I know they do.

Every department's right there.

Makeup's ready when they go in.

Yeah.

First the wardrobe, then the makeup, then the wig, then this, then they push you out, then the writer's yelling at you.

It's a little different at the end.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Don't, don't exit on his lines.

Yeah.

It is not that much of an exaggeration.

It has the freneticism of an Indianapolis pit stop where it's just like

except it's shoes and wigs.

And then I would always, sometimes I'd say, let me, do you have a mirror?

I just want to see my, what I changed into.

You know,

oh, there I am.

that was when i was doing

i just want to trim my

pubes

um david i think you should do that ahead of time this week it's it slowed down molly david molly didn't know her exit because of the go in my office there's a manscape in my left drawer you can use it

we've done we've done a it's been kind of a blue show in some some ways i know it's okay they're ready for it Oh, God.

They want the edge, and we're willing to give it to them.

Okay, let's see what's next.

We're doing pretty good.

We're almost done.

I think we're doing fantastic.

Okay.

Okay, this is what?

Two legends: Michael Jordan, Michael Tyson.

One signed autographs, the other didn't.

So, this is a live, spontaneous scene on the street.

MJ, you're the goat.

MJ, can you song, please?

Come on, MJ.

Back when Michael Jordan seemed to snub this kid asking for an autograph, social media ripped him for it.

But they didn't know the reason he

didn't sign it until now.

I love

it.

He must get that shit everywhere.

People go bananas.

Jordan has a lifetime exclusive contract with

the trading company.

That means he's legally barred from signing wow

outside official upper deck events

this week mj made a rare public appearance just to fulfill part of that deal so mj's not rude he's not a jerk he's just the most protected brand in sports okay jump out

that that

go ahead well i want us to get that announcer to start our show

dana carvey and david spade may not seem funny even though they're professional comedians it's just in their contract that they're supposed to be amusing, but not especially funny.

I'm Bob.

When David Spade got followed home by five weirdos,

he wasn't being rude when he pulled out his gun.

He was protecting his house and home.

I know I read the headlines.

David Spade pulls out, you know, 44 magnum on five fan autograph seekers.

David Spade tries to shoot his fan.

No, it was David Spade.

I think Brandon

was mazooka.

No one cared about that story, really.

I realized because I kept reading it, except for the fact that there was a gun mentioned.

Yeah, that immediately sort of like you think a celebrity in a house or anybody, and then there's a gun present or a gun.

I don't know, you know.

I had a friend back in the 80s and he came to hang out and stuff or stay overnight wherever I was.

I think I was in LA.

Really nice guy, Ward Steiner, I think his name was.

And he had gotten beat up once, like in high school, really beat up.

And so then he became the gun guy.

So he would have three guns he'd bring out fully loaded, super careful, 44s.

And one time I was at the other cafe, a comedy club, late show, and some rough stuff was happening.

And I knew that he always had a Derringer in his boot.

And he's in the front row.

And I saw him reaching down and I went, no, no, no, no, no.

Well, when you're getting pounded,

maybe you go, hey, boot, boot.

But

I was doing the church lady before SNL in the, in that, and I said, well,

wouldn't be the best idea.

Well, keep it in the boot.

Yeah, I was out with a guy.

I think that story,

but I just,

maybe I shouldn't have said that, that I had a gun in the house, but I have been, I have broken into twice.

So when it's going to be you or them, nobody wants to shoot anyone.

It's terrifying.

It's the worst thing you could think of.

Right.

But being shot is also

drink basically hardly at all, and you don't do any medication.

So you're completely, that would be the scary thing.

But to our story, I have to say, on the all, we may have mentioned before, but Michael Jordan created quite a kerfuffle, and especially in terms of people wanting to design or or just oh, at SNL?

Yes, sorry.

At SNL.

Nobody, nobody at the time I was there ever was had that level of awe and get his autograph and stuff.

Do you remember they stopped the cast from asking him?

I, it makes sense.

I think you told me that.

They said, all Marcy came around and said, nobody asked.

It's just it.

There's fucking people are bringing basketballs and a bunch of bullshit and fucking

lining up in front of his dressing room, which they were and writers.

And I was like, I know.

Crew guys, because you had them trapped in his rooms.

Like, hey, hey, Big Mike.

But I will say, I went out with this unknown celebrity that was well known in the old days, probably 10 years ago.

And he gets in my land cruiser.

We're driving somewhere.

And he puts a big, huge bag of cola and a gun in the glove compartment.

I go, sure, you want to keep it in my glove compartment?

Is this a gift?

Or what is you?

Why?

And I go, well, what if we get pulled over?

He goes, nobody's going to hassle you.

That's all I need to hear.

I go, okay.

Based on nothing.

No one's going to hassle you about that.

I go, oh, no one cares about a gun and a bag of Coke.

So

that was me going, oh.

And then, you know what happened?

Nothing.

Nobody hassle us.

It just became a different time.

You just have to assume everyone has a gun now.

You know, back in the day, like the coolest, weirdest kid in high school.

Brad Nichols had Beetle boots and he carried a switchblade in the Beetle boots.

Oh, were you the kick it out?

And it stats.

Oh, it's the greatest.

But still, you can run away from that.

But just a 38 revolver.

I don't like what you just said.

No more road wage, road rage.

Just let them let it go.

No, I know.

I think,

I think, in the time now, I'm trying to get back on and see you again.

I think the time now where I could,

when you're,

there's so much crime and there's, it's so scary that people are following you, or you just read every day someone else got shot, stabbed.

Yeah, yeah.

It's it's going to be up to the people to fight back because there's the laws are protecting more of the more of the criminals.

Well, no, I know

the good people who are really responsible that want to have a firearm to protect their family and themselves, no problem.

Just

not the bad people who want to hurt

strangers.

I know this is a hot take, but I'm just saying, you know, but you know, listen, let's worry about the victims just for a little, let's go back to that for a little bit.

Cachava is one of of our sponsors and um

this is sort of a a drink you get a lot of benefits a lot of protein a lot of everything a lot of animal protein yeah i drink cachava i wasn't aware of it they sent it to me and now

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Dandelion.

Yeah, I'm a little dandelion.

I've lost about three pounds lately.

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cachava has a lot of flavors.

They have a new strawberry flavor, right?

Strawberry.

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You know, the strawberry is great.

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I put a little spoonful of almond butter.

Yeah.

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I don't want it too sweet.

I want to cheat.

You don't want everything to taste like candy.

You know what I mean?

No.

Chai is always an interesting kind of flavor, I find.

Chai.

Because it's kind of spicy and kind of sweet.

You know, I mean, you just have to try it.

You know, you got your matcha and your coconut acai.

Acai.

I now pronounce that properly.

I call it aka.

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And you got all the good stuff.

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I don't want to just eat some trash garbage.

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Okay, what else?

We'll do one more.

Let me see.

Sure, sure.

Got nothing else to do.

I got tons today.

Okay.

Oh, wait, wait, wait.

Don't play this yet.

This is an old interview show.

Hope it doesn't stick the whole time, but

I don't know who this is.

I thought you'd like it.

Yeah.

It's just an old,

oh, she was a Nebraska celebrity interviewer, 70s, 80s.

She would just, she just had a funny way of saying, where you would, this wouldn't fly as much today.

Okay.

Let's let it rip this morning.

You got to work with Burton, Richard Burton, Tempest.

Yes, I did.

And now he's dead.

Do you know who his dad is?

His dad, if you watch Bonanza, I'm sure you watch the reruns of Bonanza.

Who's the sheriff on Bonanza?

Bing Russell, is he still a liker?

You've done some brilliant pictures.

You've done some.

She's famous.

Really?

What happened to heavens?

Wow.

What happened to Bosom Buddies?

We were kicked.

Did you see the movie Raiders of the Lost Dark?

Have you seen it yet?

Yes.

I did.

Wonderful movie.

Do you know that he turned down the role of Indian?

I heard that you turned down the role that you were offered the role.

I wouldn't turn it down.

Do you have any retrograde

going into the series for a mash?

No.

No?

They've all made a

little

bit of Wild River.

What was one of his few flops?

This is incredible.

In many ways, he looks evil.

Can the camera come come in and take a look at a close-up?

Look at these eyes.

He looks evil.

Have you ever seen eyes like this?

If you look at them real closely, what do you see?

This is right after Jaws.

He looks like a single eye.

What is that?

I don't know.

It's an old family trait.

My father had those.

I don't know what's making me soak.

Well, this makes a most fascinating look.

You really look terrific.

Thank you.

Are you in the yoga or exercise?

Exercise.

You might just whip one up.

I might just whip one out.

Listen, you don't know to whom you are speaking because you and I go back a few years, but you weren't a married.

What size are you?

Tom,

how do you kiss underwater without bubbles coming out of your nose and mouth?

Let me ask you: how would you feel as a mother if your daughter were involved with your former love personally?

How would you react to this?

Look at her act.

You know how invaluable your voice has been to you over the years.

No, baby, tell me.

Perfect.

Can we do that?

You're a new father.

Can we do that?

Of course we can.

We can?

Let's try it again because that was on the left side.

It works.

It works.

It works.

You don't consider.

That,

like,

the new SNL cast members, female, watch this person.

Veronica should play that woman.

Yeah, I mean, the reason it, well, first of all, it just

she got the guests selection.

I mean, Gene Hackman was never on a talk show.

She got Gene Hackman.

I mean, it was all big stars and Tom Cruise.

Tom Cruise.

Tom, you look back.

Yeah, L.A.

Gould,

Sam Watterson.

Yeah, Watterson's, Waterson.

Royce Schneider, right around Jaws, and you're on this dipshit show in some living room.

It's hysterical.

And she's such a ballsy bitch.

Yeah.

How funny.

Yeah, someone should play her.

from that era interviewing new stars and whatever.

I think it's funny.

Yeah, but it was right on the edge of like, is she in on the joke or is she still just trying to be really interesting?

You know, it's funny.

Everyone's can't, your show got canceled.

Yes.

What do you think of that?

And that person you co-starred with is dead, right?

And

do you regret not doing MASH?

Cause they got incredibly rich.

They really all made a show.

Hell it cool.

What?

I love it.

All right, you want to do one more or is that it?

If you can top it, that was really made me.

No, let's end on that one.

We got to save something.

These people are chomping for more.

Is it champing at the bit or chomping?

Last question.

Okay.

We have three questions, fan.

Oh, we have a question.

We have to answer.

Oh, fuck.

We have more.

Okay.

Three of them.

But what is the question?

Champing at the bit or is it chomping at the bit?

Okay.

Okay.

Kevin Nalen recently made a post asking people what their go-to laxatives are.

What are your go-to laxatives?

Mine is nerves.

If I'm scared about something,

that sort of gets things into gear.

I would say that

the premise is

if you need a laxative for your digestive system, it's because you're not getting enough fiber.

So to get enough natural fiber, the amount of green peas or blueberries or all these different things you have to get, and most people don't get it.

Green peas of all green peas, three cups of green peas.

I like green peas.

28 grams of fiber a day.

So metamucil.

Mark that down.

Green peas is just fiber.

And your system really likes that.

And if you are,

if your digestive system isn't operating the way you want, I would recommend that.

And I'm not a paid spokesman.

For green peas?

Okay.

Thanks for clearing that up.

But what was the funny part?

What's funny about what lacks it?

Why is that an entree into comedy?

I don't know.

Kevin is

a comment on his Instagram.

Oh, my God.

What do you mean?

Explain that.

I'm going to do another hiking with Kevin.

I want to do one with him where I hike so hard that I leave him behind.

Yeah.

You put a GoPro on and he just picks up you from there because he can't keep up.

Yeah.

I want to do one called strolling with Dana, but I thought it was too close.

What is what about walking backwards with David?

That's what I do sometimes.

If my neck hurts, I walk backwards.

You should do squinting into the sun.

Squinting.

David hates light.

You're walking around.

Okay, one more.

And then we got to go.

We have to.

We got a lot going on.

Okay, you read this one.

Okay,

where did you lose your virginity?

Expand and expound on that.

I know that's saucy

question.

Where?

Where?

Oh, this young

trollop.

No, this young lady I had a crush on, and it was the last month of high school.

It took me a while.

And

I walked her home from a boxer party.

And that's where that magic happened.

High fives all around.

I lost my virginity in a

Sears department store near where they sell washers and dryers.

Was it a mannequin?

I don't want to say the pronoun involved, but it was it's

it was a Sears department store for real?

I won't say, come on, we're coming.

Somebody showed oh no, I just said the real one.

God dang it.

Well, what's the strangest place you ever you made whoopee?

Made whoopee.

I was gonna made whoopee.

The strangest place.

Heather saying, whoa, whoa, whoa, because she thought the Sears front loader.

She just goes, whoa, whoa, whoa.

In a Sears department store near the washer where they sell the.

That's a good one.

Buy the drill bits.

So, where's the weirdest place I've made?

Whoopie?

Whoopee?

Besides that chair last night?

I don't.

You go because I know you're not going to give an answer.

Well, let me ask you a yes or no question.

Okay.

Did you ever make love in the backseat of a car at a drive-in movie?

No.

I have a question for you.

Are you in the Mile High Club?

At Koi.

The Mile High Club.

No, are you in the Limousine Club?

I don't think so.

I would have said.

I'm going to say it again.

Are you in the limousine club?

Are you in the Koi Club?

You're being coy.

You're being coy about going to Koi.

No, I guess I'm not that fun.

Another question: Where's the place you would like to make whoopee, but haven't yet?

No one, you know, Jay Leno was smart about this.

When older comedians would come on the tonight show and do sex jokes, guys, guys in their early 50s, Jay was like, Yeah, no one wants that against someone.

Yeah, you should introduce the stuff.

Yeah, they're right.

They don't want to hear us.

Yeah, they don't want to see us.

They don't want to picture us making love.

You know, they just want the jokes.

And, you know, Jay's kind of always right about all his common sense.

He knows what he's doing.

He's got, yeah, he's got good.

He still has good stuff.

I've seen him recently.

He's great.

Okay, that's it.

So thanks, everybody.

Thanks, sir.

We'll save our other questions for next week.

And thanks for writing them in.

Thanks for being you.

And that was a good one today.

I was really happy about it.

Yeah, I was really happy.

We

rallied toward the end.

Dana, thanks for letting me be your guest today.

You're very welcome.

You've been a good guest.

Do you want to hear the answer to champing, chomping?

Oh,

Heather's.

I was saying,

is the phrase champing at the bit or chomping at the bit?

And Heather has the answer.

I know the answer.

Oh, what is it?

Chomping.

Nope.

Champing?

Original is champing at the bit, but chomping at the bit is more widely used.

But the phrase originates from horses, restlessness chewing their bits in anticipation.

So while champ means to chew or gnaw, chomp means to refer to chewing noisily, which isn't as good.

Oh, chomping is chewing noises.

Champing is when you bite down.

A horse bites down.

So that one makes more sense.

And then everyone just turned it into chomping because it sounded easier and it made more sense.

I knew there was something with that.

What's the original word for chomp change?

That's funny.

It's kind of like chump change.

Chump change, you know, that's sort of being a little loose with vernacular.

It came from the Latin word chump and Lino, which means chump change in Latin.

I like when people call you chump.

It's funny.

Look at this fucking chump.

Yeah.

All right, chump.

I'll talk to you next week.

We'll talk to you next week.

Same bad time.

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Fly on the Wall is presented by Odyssey, an executive produced by Danny Carvey and David Spade, Heather Santoro and Greg Holtzman, Maddie Sprung-Kaiser, and Leah Reese-Dennis of Odyssey.

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