Teen Witch, with Danielle Radford

This is Free with Ads, the the podcast that asked the question, why pay Peacock eight bucks a month to watch Wicked when you can go online for free and watch a coming-of-age witch musical so amazing you wonder why anyone would even bother to make a coming-of-age witch musical after it?

I'm Jordan Morris.

And I'm Emily Fleming.

Today's movie is Tain Witch.

It's finally time for us to do it.

We've talked about it.

And it's the 1989 cult classic that taught us to believe in ourselves and that popularity isn't everything.

and the best rap music is made by all white a cappella groups with us as always is the super producer the he freak matt lieb hitting us with those oh so magical drops

i'm hot and you're not

yeah it's true yeah

i feel not hot compared to you man yeah yeah i'm i'm hot and guess what you're not oh man sucks to be you i have a lot of other good qualities yeah i just took my flannel off

because I'm hot.

Yeah, I'm hot.

It's hot in here.

I got to turn on the AC.

And hey, we're doing an awesome movie today, and we have an awesome guest.

How appropriate.

She's a stand-up comic and one of the hosts of Maximum Fun's own wrestling podcast, Tights and Fights.

It's Danielle Radford.

Oh my God.

Thank you so much for having me.

I think that I have spent the entirety of my comedy career waiting for someone to ask me to talk about this movie.

Really?

Genuinely, legitimately.

no genuinely legitimately og teen witch fan yeah i did not know that when we picked the movie but i kind of had a feeling i had a feeling um

i don't know you had a feeling but like we've talked about this movie in the past and we haven't chosen to do it and then when he suggested you he was like this is the moment oh I'd like that when you think of Teen Witch, you think of me.

Maybe

were you doing a little spell in your apartment?

I was.

I was.

And much like.

Grinding up some eye of newts.

Much like with the movie Teen Witch, with no regards to consent,

the power of three doesn't mean shit in this apartment.

We do what we want because Zelda told us we can't.

Right.

You made a little voodoo doll of me.

You made it email you about the podcast.

And then I took off my pants in public.

Yeah, in front of a room full of children.

Yes.

Well, yeah, we do want to talk about Teen Witch for approximately four and a half half hours.

I do think before we do that, we want to get to know you, Danielle, our guest, in a segment we call Talk to Guest.

Talk to Guest.

Danielle, obviously, you're an expert on Teen Witches, but also you have an interest in wrestling.

I want to talk about where our worlds overlap.

Who, in your opinion, and you can have a top three or a top five, who are the best wrestler actors?

Oh,

so Dave Batista came out like a dark horse out of nowhere.

Was

extremely good and also seems the most adamant at becoming like an actor actor.

He wants to do big boy movies.

Blade Runner, that like

that scene is the least boring scene in the second Blade Runner movie.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's like saying that this is, yeah, this is like, it's the least Garbanzo bean of this can of garbanzo beans, but it is really delightful.

So honestly,

he's pretty up there for me in terms of acting ability.

John Cena gets better with everything that he does, so he's doing great.

Roddy Ruddy Piper was amazing in the couple of movies they put him in.

Oh, yeah.

They live.

Really great on that episode of It's Sunny, Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

Andre the Giant, giant obviously i don't know if it's like actor or just like big at being himself but he nailed being himself

anybody want to peanut is there a funnier moment in movies not i you you you're hard pressed to find a moment i like more in movies than anybody want to peanut like that's my favorite movie of all time is princess bride and i never knew what the hell he was saying when i was a child i just accepted that it was important and let it let it be and then when i I learned what he said, it made me love him even more.

So, yeah, he's amazing.

He's so good.

He's so charming.

And then, like,

I don't know.

Then there's a bunch of wrestlers that none of you have ever heard of who have probably only done one movie.

And then there's like Dwayne, very close to the bottom.

Yes.

Quite close to the bottom.

Dwayne.

Or CGI Dwayne from...

Scorpion King, which is another person all to them.

Yeah, you know, and that might be one of the best acting Dwayne's.

Shut up and slither, I guess.

Just shut up and and sither.

It's fun.

He got really great.

Like he was trying to make good movies for like a second.

And then he did Pain and Gain and got all of his wrestling weight back because he'd actually cut and got small.

Not as small as Batista did, but he had gotten smaller.

And then he did Pain and Gain and got big again and was like, what, what was I doing?

And then

he became other Vin Diesel.

And then he tried to take over Hollywood.

And now he pisses in Voss bottles and makes some poor PA clean it up because like, I'm sorry I'm sorry what it's happening

there was a huge article I don't remember if it was THR if it was variety that was kind of talking about when he was going through his era of attempting to take over DC like the DC World shifting the balance of power in the DC universe

woof and so yeah it gets into like how like his manager was also Henry Cavill's manager and like how like Henry Cavill like ditched her and his manager is also like his ex-wife and in part of it they talked about how he would like pee in Voss bottles and like that because he would like.

I bet it keeps the pee nice and cold though, you know?

Oh yeah, for when you need it later.

I want a frosty cold bottle of pee.

Yeah, well, you know, you need to have pee emergency.

And so he was like, they would talk about how he was late and he would never want to use the bathroom and he would always use that.

And my thing was like, okay, I get if you don't want to like bother anybody using the bathroom, but I think you bother people more by peeing in Voss bottles and making them clean it up.

And I know that someone else had to clean it up by the very nature of the fact that they know about it.

Because if I'm peeing in Voss bottles,

not a spiller.

No one knows that I have pissed in a Voss bottle.

I'm sneaky about it.

Well, here's, if I can comment, Danielle.

At least do that.

We're opening up the floor for comments.

We're opening up the floodgates, as it were.

We're breaking the seal.

I got to say, if you have a penis and you can't piss in a Voss bottle, you're an idiot.

But like

when

you have a vagina,

the hole is like, where is it?

I don't know.

And when you have to pee at the doctor's office, you put a cup where it should be, and then it just doesn't go in there.

Like, I don't know where it goes.

No, you got to do like a sight thing.

And they make something for, I assume, campers/slash burners to use for women so that you're anyone with a vaginas that you can like use it to like pee standing up.

And it's really just managing

all over your natural heaven.

Yes, natural head.

Natural.

But yeah, but also, like, as a straight woman, I have dated many men who piss in jars and leave it throughout their apartment.

And they're usually mason jars.

So at least with the boss, it's like tiny.

You have to dispose of it more frequently.

But with the mason jar, you can pretend you're at a millennial wedding.

When you're organizing your piss.

I've got mead.

Just me.

I'm the only one that goes through millennial weddings where they serve mead.

All right.

That's all right.

That's fine.

That's fine.

Well, it's a certain kind of millennial wedding.

Yeah, yeah.

Kind of a red fairy-flavored wedding, I'm guessing.

I mean, it is me.

Yeah.

I'm just, I mean, I've known you for a while.

Making an assumption here.

Yeah.

Hell yeah.

That's real fair.

Oh, my God.

I want to chat more, but I feel like we just got to fucking talk about tea fucking much, don't we?

Don't we?

Okay, this movie.

Well, let's actually, maybe before I talk about the actual movie, let's get a little bit of history with it.

I only knew it through clips.

I knew it through,

I, you know, top that I had seen, most popular girl in the world I had seen.

And when I actually sat down to watch the movie, I'm like, well, it's no way it's as crazy as the clips.

It's crazier.

I saw it for the first time like five years ago, and I fucking love it.

Does anybody else see it?

Or did anybody else see it as a kid as intended?

Yeah, I saw it as a child in reruns on the HBO.

On the HBO.

That is how the HBO, not a Max.

No,

the homebucks.

Back when they understood branding,

before they were like, yeah, we're going to be Max Lee, as though anybody knows what the hell that is.

It's already a word, y'all.

You can't own Max.

It's already a word.

It's like apparently

when they didn't have to pay the actors anymore.

Like, it was a residuals thing.

Okay.

All right, buds.

Okay, cool.

Real tight.

I hate money.

I hate hedge fund people.

I don't know if that's the cost, but I assume so.

But yeah, so I watched it and like, I fell in love with it.

And I feel like teen witch children become the craft teenagers.

And that was kind of my,

my ascent.

The yin shit.

The yin has a yang for sure.

Yes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And yeah, I just, I just loved it.

It's very silly.

This was around the time when I saw this.

I was also falling in love with other movies

like The Last Dragon and like Breaking One and Two, these movies that are kind of musicals, but not really musicals, but kind of musicals, and they all have like a little bit of like magic and a little bit of whimsy.

There was a real good period for that, uh, around that kind of time running on the home box office.

Uh, so yeah, I fell in love with that movie.

It was, it's so great, it's so bad, it's so wonderful.

Uh, Emily, what's your what's your experience with the teen witch?

Um, I like as a, I guess, a teen

or like a young adult, I did not know about this, but that top that song became a thing even when the Vine era came to be.

This movie is made for Vine.

This movie has a lot of like

stretches of insanity that last nine seconds.

It felt like kind of this lost media at the time that Vine was around.

I just had not seen it yet.

But it like, you're completely right, Danielle, where it's like this, it's not a musical, but it is a musical.

It reminds me a lot of

Earth Girls Are Easy.

Yes,

where there's these kind of musical moments, but it's not a consistent musical.

It's just like there's dance breaks and there's these kind of like theatrical movement, like whatever dance pieces that are happening.

And I feel like at this time, there was like this fun.

late 80s, 90s, kind of whatever whimsy that was so fun.

And I feel like this movie maybe came came out before Earth Girls Are Easy and probably created the blueprint for that.

It was so fun.

Yeah.

So fun.

I totally 100% as I'm re-watching it.

I was getting, especially, there's a scene, we'll talk about it, where she's kind of sexying up her bedroom for sexy magic and she puts the stuff on the lamps.

And I'm like, oh, yeah, Earth Girls Will Easy.

Yeah, like that, like Flash Dance, that was a huge, huge thing that people were doing around that time in the 80s, where it was like, well, we don't want to do musicals because musicals are corny, but wouldn't it be great if we had a movie where people sang and danced to music?

And they said their feelings in the songs.

They said what they were feeling in the song.

And it kind of pushed the plot along, maybe more emotionally.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But we want the main actress to not be able to sing or dance.

Not even a little.

Yeah.

Matt, was this your first time at Teen Witch?

First time seeing it.

And I have a question.

Is this in the same cinematic universe as Teen Wolf?

It was supposed to be.

It was supposed to be.

Intended to be a teen wolf offshoot.

Yeah, fucking wild, huh?

That makes a lot of sense.

That makes a lot of sense.

Because as I was watching, I was going, I'm getting a lot of Teen Wolf vibes from the original Dark Universe.

Yes.

It was the Teen Dark Universe, which I'm fine with that.

How do y'all guys know that?

I tried to look up videos on YouTube to kind of do like the making of or things you didn't know, and there is literally nothing I could find.

I think I saw that in like IMDB trivia.

Yeah, I feel like that's one of those things.

I just always kind of like cultural osmosis from loving the movie so much.

But like, I remember

that it was, yeah, it was supposed to be like, uh, because girls don't like wolves, wolves are for boys, and witches are for girls.

Girls are witches, and boys are wolves.

Everybody knows that.

Well, I just, can I just say something about the website IMDb?

If you're listening, your shit is fucked.

Your shit is so fucked.

Are you just mad that your star meter is not higher?

No, the thing is, the amount of ads on that website, no matter how good

the Wi-Fi is, your shit is janky like it's 1998 and I barely want to use it.

I just want to think about things using intuition at this point.

I think IMDB, you should suck your own taint and get it together.

Sorry, I just wanted to say that.

I'm giving you a bigger break.

Fuck you, IMDB.

eat ass you're giving you're giving it you're giving Emily a round of applause like a popular girl walking well also maybe

listen it's pride just claps for her

well here's the thing it's like it it's pride month sucking your own taint is honestly I wish I could do it do I have a taint I don't know I think everyone has a taint yeah I think I feel like I feel like if you have a vaginal perennial we should get a different name that's the name for it well there's still space in between the Piscinium.

The space between

Suzy.

He's a bit about this guy's been singing about Taints this much.

Yes.

Yeah.

South African genius.

Then he dumped shit into the Chicago movie.

Hey, we all make mistakes.

We all make mistakes.

We all dump a little shit in the Chicago.

We all make mistakes.

Hack up your squirt a little more.

You know what I mean?

Hey, so yeah.

So Teen Witch, it starts with sexy sax music.

This movie employed 45,000 saxophone players.

There is so much fucking saxophone in this movie.

It's all over this thing.

We have what will be revealed to be a dream sequence had by the main character where she is standing around on a roof while her scarf blows in the wind.

A sexy guy comes in.

Her scarf starts blowing.

I guess whatever wind was around just kind of stopped.

Oh, boy.

You don't like the weather.

Wait five minutes.

Am I right?

Jordan, this is how dreams work.

Right, exactly.

Sometimes there's wind, sometimes there's no wind.

But we find out that this is all a dream.

And she was having it about Brad, the sexiest guy in school.

And her little brother knows this because he's been reading her diary.

Classic little brother shit.

That is some fucking classic

in the diary.

Let's be real, though.

I think we're all going to be talking about this

not classic little brother character.

This is like unlike any other little brother character I have ever seen.

And at first, I hated his ass.

And then later, I was like, this is the best fucking little brother character I've ever seen.

Everything Richie does is hilarious.

He

is the only person.

You know how, like, they say sometimes there's a movie where there's only one person who knows exactly what movie it is in Showgirls.

It's Gina Grashon.

In Teen Witch, it's Richie, which makes sense because he's like a writer-director now.

He actually wrote and directed that the Exorcism Russell Crowe movie that came out last year.

No way.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So it makes sense that he's got like a sense of like, oh, I know what this is, and then turned it up to a million.

Even as he did, he had the eye.

On another level, but when you first meet him, it's like the contrast of his acting versus our lead actress is so big

that you're like, what is this try-hard bullshit?

And then you're like, I love this try

always dirty They put like dirt He's always has dirt or chocolate on his face I love how they like costume him and make him up and his mouth is like always slack like he can never open his mouth all the way That's almost like like he's doing what's that one newscaster?

I don't know things but like he's like

yeah, like it's like always like kind of like this and it's like oh well also he's he's always trying to eat sweets because I guess their parents don't want him eating sweets.

So he's hiding under her bed.

Yeah, because

chocolate cake.

And he's like, mom, well, let me in.

He's just amazing, this kid.

Also, his lips are always chapped, which is what a little boy's mouth is.

It's just like hot, red, rough, just raw.

Eating candy, not drinking water.

Yeah, exactly.

Like rough looking.

Yeah, you think even like some of the lard that he is constantly eating throughout this movie, just like uncooked meat and

and like uh fridge cake or whatever you think some of it would moisturize

that's the size of the table yeah but like somehow none of that actually makes it onto his lips it all just gets funneled directly to the back of his throat yeah this kid rules so hard

yeah and okay so our uh this is he's he's the brother to our main character louise uh and she uh you know and she's an ordinary teen she's in love with brad who's with the name louise like she's from 1923 like what the

so Louise so Brad is is her crush is picking up the hot girl across the street Rana anyway

picking her picking her up across the street and old people wrote this movie

absolutely no one yes no one involved with this movie had ever met a child it was like I've seen the rap

and I think I know what the rap is but also Brad doesn't he my assistant described rap to me and I wrote some that is based but doesn't Brad look like Tom Cruise in risky business and a little bit.

Also, fun thing.

Brad, when this movie shot was like 25, 26, our Louise, like 16, just something to keep in your brain.

Okay, fun.

Tell the makeup artist that, because

whoever the makeup artist was for Louise, it's too much.

Anyway, that's how I feel.

Too much makeup on this girl.

So she, so she's, so she and her, she has like a nerdy friend who's like her one friend.

And they are, speaking of anachronisms in this movie, they have giant overcoats on.

They dress like it is 1962 and they are going to see Bob Dylan in the West Village.

And also, what's the temperature in the movie?

It doesn't matter.

In the movie, some people are dressed for skiing and some people are wearing shorts and tank tops.

Like they are wearing full winter coats to school, but everybody else is like, I think it's supposed to take place in LA anyway.

Yeah, so that's these bitches hate their body is what it is Louise is always wearing wool Everything she wears is like a full wool outfit They couldn't even find their genitals to masturbate if they wanted to like it is like three years apart from here like and there's no there's she's always wearing a sweater with a wild pattern and so is her dad.

This is a great sweater movie.

Her and her dad both look like they're thrifting for awesome sweaters.

Darren from Danielle.

Yeah.

Oh, yes, that's right.

Yeah.

One of the Darrens.

Which Darren?

I don't remember.

The later one.

The later Darren.

There are two.

That's the second best piece of casting in this movie.

There's one that is fucking phenomenal, and I forgot that it happened.

And when it came, it was a positive jump scare.

I couldn't believe it.

But yeah,

her dad is like one of the nice adults.

All the adults in this movie are really mean, but her dad is really sweet.

Yeah, played by one of the Darrens from Bewitched.

So her and her friend wrap their winter coats around themselves, put on their art right dodger gloves, and ride bikes.

They ride bikes to school.

And as we're kind of getting the classic 80s school shot, people doing kickflips, riding BMX bikes, we get the first musical number from the all-white a cappella group that sings

most of the hip-hop music in this.

Matt, can we hear a little bit of high school blues?

Triggin' out time with feet ain't cool.

Don't really need to be hanging at school.

It's okay, we got nothing to lose.

Can't just see, baby, it's a high school blues.

Dance in the sickness, it's a waste of our time.

Cause anything that we're looking about making a dime, they're so good at it.

My favorite thing is that it's not one guy doing it, so it's not freestyle.

It's three guys that had to rehearse this at somebody's house and then go

we're gonna meet at 7 a.m.

Everybody hang out and we're gonna do it in unison like it's so funny i can't handle it led uh led by robert blake's son no way be robert blake's son yeah yeah uh

there are a lot of wrap the pain away

he already has a rap name ready to go son of beretta

good for him

Emily is currently hanging herself with her

her headphones.

Holy shit.

Wait, the main guy is Robert Blake's son?

Well, he managed to not kill a woman for nine months.

That's cool.

That's nice.

Yeah, he is.

That is Rhett.

He's the hunky singing guy.

He is absolutely this movie's oldest teen.

Oldest teen.

There it is.

A lot of old teens in this movie, except for the lead, who I guess is age appropriate.

That's actually.

Which,

tell that to the the makeup artist because good God, I'm sorry.

Yeah, no, there's a point where Rhett like looks at her and goes, are you sure you go to high school?

And I'm like, sir,

I would not talk.

You live in the glassest of houses, sir.

Yeah, I know.

You have an ex-wife, sir.

What are you doing?

You've got kids.

Are you here to pick up the kids?

Yeah.

Like, is it your weekend?

So, you know,

she's got a, we see a bunch of kind of

stereotypical high school scenes.

There's some classic nerds in this, some classic, like, bow tie pocket protector nerds.

I haven't seen those in quite a few decades.

In a minute.

Love to see a classic 80s nerd.

She has a mean teacher who's really mean to her.

He like reads her love poem out loud.

That's loud.

She wrote to Brad.

He's like a real dick.

Wait, wait.

Can I ask you guys, did you have teachers that were mean to you?

Like, not like this, because this is over the top, but

were there teachers shit later in the movie yeah it's really humiliated you in front of like other kids we i went to a lot of schools on military basis so i think they were probably uh they were like oh no all the dads have guns

are killing machines

oh no they kill for the government for everybody movie day we're going on another field trip

also i do love that like this is the second time in what like 10 minutes that we discovered that louise uh writes the steamiest slash fiction about herself and Brad.

Just like nothing but like self-insert slash fiction, like full-on, like Danielle Steele, like heaving bosom.

He kissed my body, and in that evening, I was.

I mean, hot.

Yeah, it turns it in as an assignment, apparently.

Well, by accident, because her brother was like ripping out her diary.

I thought that was like a poem she wrote for class.

No, I think that she had a piece of her diary that her brother put put in the folder.

Because he's got chocolate all over it because he's fat.

Yes.

So that when she was handing in her stuff, that was stuck in there.

And then the teacher decided to humiliate her with it because she got to skip grades, which is a cool detail.

She's a very smart girl and very pretty and she got to skip a bunch of grades.

That's why everyone hates her.

And

yeah, he just chose to do that.

He also, she was on birth control pills, which, okay, we'll get into that later, but I'm like, wow, 80s, mom let you go on, okay, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, one of the mean things that the teacher does is like her purse spills, and he, like, finds her birth control pills and, like, holds them.

He's like, oh, you haven't taken them, I see.

So you're just being hopeful.

It's so fucking scummy.

Yeah,

it is like, this is, at once, it is this thing of like, oh, kind of like progressive that they're just showing a kid who has birth control pills, you know, and kind of normalizing it.

But in this way that this teacher's making this awful joke, very weird moment.

Yeah, he like lives for drama.

Yeah, he's a messy bitch.

He is a messy bitch.

Even the way that he talks about Hamlet, is it the most, this is the messiest bitch way you could talk about Hamlet?

Uh-huh.

Talking about Hamlet's manhood.

Yeah.

I can't imagine any teacher that has ever humiliated me like that.

That is, it's over the top.

I mean, maybe I'll think of one eventually.

Yeah, that feels like you would end up on TikTok now.

Oh, well, my favorite is Vine.

There's a vine.

We're all Vine kids, right?

Anyway, you know that whoever threw that paper.

I never made a vine.

I think like the only vine that I remember is Back At It Again at Krispy Kreme.

And that's like...

So in my mind, Vine is the perfect social media because that, to me, it created one video and it was perfect.

Back at it again.

I'm sure there's a lot of like fucking monsters on Vine, but you know, whatever.

Well,

there's one of this kid who caught his teacher who he just turned around and goes, whoever threw that paper, your mom's a hoe.

That's a good one.

I love that man to hell and back.

I think that any

mom is a hoe.

She might be a hoe.

She's probably a hoe.

I don't know her.

So yeah, so basically like everyone in our main character's life is like mean to her.

There's a bunch of cheerleaders being mean to her in the locker room.

And we get the

don't make me pick a favorite song in the movie because I can't fucking do possible.

But in the locker room, all the cheerleaders who are kind of oldest teens themselves, themselves, these are clearly like these women were all in white snake videos at some point.

They're in these like

sexy PE bathing suits, and they are singing this song.

I like boys.

I like boys.

I like boys.

I like boys.

I like boys.

And they call it like their cheer.

They're like, hey, let's practice the new cheer.

So this is a very progressive high school.

It is.

They're letting them out of sports games

just talk about their blossoming sexuality.

You guys going to talk about the football team or anything?

Yes, in a way.

Abstractly, yes.

In a roundabout way.

Only one there witnessing it.

So it's like they're performing it for her.

And they're doing like little bits with the towels.

It's this little bit.

Oh, we're two cheerleaders stacked on top of each other.

I mean, statistically, there's one lesbian there who's just like

having the best/slash worst day of her life.

I can't wait to get the other one.

Let's rehearse again, guys.

You know me.

Loving boys.

I'll pretend to be the boy who wants to be my date.

Maybe there's a, maybe there's a sapiosexual in there.

I'm attracted to intelligence.

I'm attracted to intelligence.

Gender doesn't make that much of a difference.

Anyway, I love that song too.

Great song.

Two great songs.

So that's fun.

You know, there's a thing where she's auditing.

There's too many plots in this.

She's auditioning for the play, the school play, but she doesn't.

Is it not theater class?

Is that not what that is?

I mean, I think it's school play, theater, it's the same thing.

So she has like a theater teacher who she loves.

There's like, I guess not everybody's mean to her in this.

She has this

kooky theater teacher.

Can I interrupt just really quick?

So, we do have this one sting that we never use, Danielle, and it's like who we'd play

in the movie.

This is, I think you, this is this is your segment, Emily.

This is your segment.

You're the one who brings this up.

Well, here's why I bring it up: is because I have been told on the internet that I remind people of this actress,

okay, okay,

who plays the theater lady.

And I'm really tired of being told I look like dead women

who died of old age.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

But still, I'm going to play this thing.

Play the sting.

Yeah.

There it is.

I play this fabulous theater teacher whose outfits I would completely buy, by the way.

Yeah,

especially the green outfit where she goes to leave with D'Artagnan or whatever man that she picks.

They don't really explain it, but I think we're led to believe that that Louise, when she gets her witch powers,

like blesses the one teacher who's nice to her with this like amazing life.

So she like wins the lottery.

She's like, I didn't even buy a ticket.

And she runs away with this like handsome Latin man.

And because like he's a Latin person appearing on screen in an 80s movie, we have to have flamenco guitar.

Whatever he wants on screen.

Well, the other thing is the necklace, which the theater teacher, I guess, finds in the costume like closet and gives it to her because it is speaking, like there's something about the necklace that is gravitating towards Louise, and then she gives it to her.

And that necklace, she eventually removes at the end of the movie, which is supposed to signify something.

But it seems like her plus necklace means people who are nice to her get to benefit from things.

Yeah, there's a, I guess we'll talk about the, I mean, it's the 80s.

We won't worry about it, I guess.

But yeah, there's a lot of of inconsistencies with the magic, but it is very important that like the magic, chunky turquoise jewelry that you buy from like a Palm Springs farmer's market, like is very important

to be able to being able to cast spells throughout centuries, apparently.

Yeah, she kind of has two magic catalysts in this.

Whatever.

Yeah, we can't sit around and talk about the magic logic of teenage.

We'll go insane.

Oh, yeah, no, you can't do it.

So the popular girl, Randa,

who's dating Brad and is just mean to her the whole time, she asks if she would take her cousin to the dance.

How many fucking dances does this school have?

My God, they have a dance every week.

And one of them is Western-themed, and I'm like, where was that?

Oh, yeah, it looks really fun.

So, yeah,

she wants Louise to take her cousin.

David, who cares what this guy's name is, David, I think, to the to the dance.

David.

Oh, this is kind of funny.

David can get it.

Oh, let's.

Yeah,

we'll talk about David.

I do want to talk about this moment where

her dad is like, you know, your mom wasn't always hot.

And she shows a picture of the mom.

And the mom is in like all black.

She is like smoking a cigarette against the wall.

And they like laugh at how bad the mom looks.

Mom looks fucking awesome in that picture.

She looks like she was in the talking heads.

She looks so cool.

Anyway, and they're like, ha ha ha.

Just again, this movie has like no idea what cool is.

Again, it was written by like,

yeah, like an elderly guy who had only ever been to Katz's Deli.

It's the only place this guy goes.

And his like assistant describes trends to him.

Also, that mom is a smokeshow.

I'm so hot.

So hot.

What is, I've never seen her in anything else, but all I kept thinking was, this lady is blissfully whatever.

She just keeps walking in and goes, E-OK?

Eh.

And then just like walks away.

She's the best.

Doesn't really realize her daughter has godlike powers.

I have a son who's a fucking stain on the fucking universe.

Whatever.

And they know it too, because it's not even that thing.

Like one of those times when Louise is trying to get Richie to act right.

She isn't even like, they'll blame it on me.

She's like, I am so tired of hearing you get yelled at.

Ah, I am.

And yet, no one seems to do anything to discipline this child.

If he were a girl, he'd be fucked.

He'd be fucked.

Yeah.

So

her date shows up.

David.

Now, David is in the classic 80s nerd get up.

He's in like a sweater vest with a bow tie and glasses, but is a tall, handsome, traditionally good-looking guy.

It's very wild.

I didn't understand what David.

I was like, is David supposed to be a geek, but he wants to like smoke weed?

They don't fucking know what David is.

They're just like, yeah, he is like traditionally hot, but they're just like, put the fucking bow tie on him.

It's very weird.

Well, there's something kind of progressive about it because there's like, oh, yeah, nerds can be fucking creeps, too.

That's true.

He's a total creep, but also,

hello.

Like, I don't know.

He was hot as

creepy.

I think that's maybe why they turned up some of the creepiness.

They're like, oh, no, we casted a hot guy.

Yeah.

How do we make it where she doesn't want to be alone with him ever?

And it's like, oh, just have him say like the worst.

Like some of the words

horrible person

but like also very like crisp and glover kind of vibe oh yeah for sure yeah this guy probably has some weird vanity albums which that'll do it for me you got like a crisp and glover vibe crispiny

mummy likey

uh so um

so he's being kind of a creep to her at the dance and she wishes he would disappear and he does we don't see anything from david where is he perhaps hell uh we never know

when went.

No, so this is the first like little, like, this is the first, like, little inkling that she maybe has magic powers.

She kills a man, I guess.

Well, wait, wait.

We haven't talked about how, like, before this, she went to this fabulous old house in the rain to try to use a phone and meets a magical woman who says, weird things are going to happen on your 16th birthday.

Or is that happening?

Oh, so I think let's talk about that now.

I don't know if this happens immediately after this or

a little bit before this.

This is what I think the best casting in the movie is.

So she goes to this old house, meets an old fortune teller played by Zelda Rubenstein.

This house is clean from fucking poltergeist.

She rocks.

It's so

I'm like, oh yeah, she's in this.

She's so good.

I just love her.

They have such a beautiful, weird friendship.

So Zelda, Zelda Rubenstein plays this fortune teller.

She like explains, you're a witch.

You're going to get powers powers on your 16th birthday.

They do a bunch of weird stuff.

She turns like lead into a stack of money.

Yeah, because she's like a delightful con person.

Like,

you walk in there and she's doing like the white version of like Miss Cleo, like, I will tell your fortune.

And then she's like, oh, wait, no, shut the fuck up.

You actually got the goods.

And then is like, okay, let me be so real with you right now.

You can do anything you want and there will be no consequences ever.

So let's do that all the time.

Who do you want to take revenge on?

I will help you revenge those teenagers.

Like, what do you need?

Can I tell you, like, there's, okay, there's not a lot of logic that is explained within this magic universe, but there are a few things that I decided I think make sense.

You got to have a head cannon for these things.

So I think that our girl, what was her name again?

Our fabulous.

Louise.

No, no, no.

Our the friend that she, the older woman who's from Bolter Guys.

Oh, the actor's name is Zelda Rubenstein.

I I don't know what the name is.

Let's just call her Zelda because that is

a witchy name.

You cannot have a better character name than Zelda.

Right.

So Zelda, because she's old, the way that she kind of explains things to Louise is just that you're a young witch about to come into your powers.

So I guess a young witch has more power than a witch her age.

Yes.

So it's like, oh, you've got the good, so you can assist me.

Yeah.

And I can be your kind kind of um

you know guide or whatever mentor to come into your powers but i can also benefit from your powers which i feel like feels very witchy witchy feels like let's benefit from each other lifting sisters up like you know but so

turning sisters coal into stacks of money yeah you know and let the the cycle going of yeah the younger ones help out the whatever but so she's more powerful powerful because she is young, but she's also unaware of how to use her powers.

Yeah.

At one point, Zelda's like, I'm almost out of power, which the movie doesn't really like talk about.

She does show her a 400-year-old Facebook of

different witches.

Which is

new faces of 1630.

And it's all photocopy photographs

like they did back in the 1600s.

Don't think about it.

The yearbook of witches.

That's the thing.

Yeah, yeah, it's like a yearbook of witches.

And that's when, and yeah, she's like, hey, like, since your powers are still new, water will make it go away.

But then as you get better, like soon, then the water thing won't matter anymore.

Just kind of a lot of arbitrary rules for things.

Yeah.

When it first starts, that as we get into like the third act, none of that water shit's going to matter anymore.

Because when she tries to do the favors for the teacher that she likes, the first thing I think is like, okay, but

what happens when this lady showers and now she's lost all of her money and the guy abandons her in Aruba or whatever?

Like, what's going to happen?

That's in the director's cut.

Just a downfall of the downfall of the drama teacher.

That bitch is me in the future.

Like, for sure.

But yeah, you're right.

Like, she's like, I found this man and stuff.

And I'm like, bitch, that is a con artist.

Like, 100%.

Yes.

Maybe he just wants to hear her thoughts on Our Town.

For the music man.

How would you update it for a modern generation?

I don't know.

Would you keep the stage bare?

We have the ladders, traditional ladders for our town.

Black box only.

Fun jokes about high school theater.

Yeah.

So she's kind of got the powers now.

So she's doing like little, little power shenanigans.

One of the first things she does is she wants Brad to fall in love with her.

So there's a love spell that involves him sitting on her bed.

And so he comes over to her house to study, and she has to get him to sit on the bed.

So he comes in her room, and the first thing he says is, Where's all the chairs?

He's so pissed.

There's no chairs.

And then her whole family walks in the room and he's like, Where's the chairs?

I guess she's famous for having a bedroom filled with chairs.

How many chairs y'all got in your room?

I had one chair in my fucking bedroom.

Here's the thing, too.

There's a chair in the shot.

You can see it.

Everyone's like, Where's the chairs?

There's one.

It's sitting there.

It's in the shot.

Where chair?

Where chairs?

Like, what are we?

It's so, yeah, this whole chair thing is so crazy.

And so she, he, he finally sits on the bed and she kind of like, and this is kind of like the moral of the movie that she kind of comes to realize.

She realizes that like, if he falls in love with the spell, then it, it, you know, it's not, it's not real.

So she kind of is like, I'm sorry I lied about the chairs.

And she opens up her closet and it's filled with chairs.

Were those all in her bedroom?

It's so funny.

So many chairs as though she, I mean, I love this girl, but we, we see she ain't got no friends.

I don't know who all the chairs are for.

Just meetings, weird family meetings that happen only in her bedroom.

And then she says,

we're having another intervention for dad in your bedroom.

And then she says a thing that she says to this dude that he doesn't question, I think she says it three or like two or three times where she's like, don't ask.

Like, just don't ask why this is happening.

And he's just like, yeah, that's fine.

I'm just here to be hot and dumb.

I don't need to ask any questions.

And he's there to study with her, like, as if.

But my favorite thing, though, that we haven't talked about is like I think one of the spells that she first used was she turned her brother into a dog.

Yeah, yeah, and that's how we

found out that the water, like, works, is she turns him into a dog, a dog because he's making that weird, fucked up, huge pizza that you laugh

so hard at this pizza.

And they don't talk about it.

The little brother, when she walks in, is just making a pizza that's the size of their dining room table.

He's like in the middle of it, and she turns him into a dog, and she just throws him into a bath that's already run with bubbles.

Every bath in the 80s was a bubble bath.

He's like, why was that bath there?

I don't know.

I mean, the like non-logic of this movie is so funny.

This movie didn't have time to waste.

It had to go.

And I want to say that I did like this movie a lot, but it felt long as hell.

I'll take two more hours.

I'll take a fucking Apple TV mini-series.

I'll take an eight-hour

anyway.

But yeah, that I could take a whole series about the brother, to be honest.

But yeah, he turned into the cutest dog I've ever seen in my

fucking life.

Yeah, really adorable.

And that dog, fun fact, is still alive to this day.

And he owns

a little antique store in Palm Springs, and he'll still talk about the shut out.

He does.

It's really cute.

Who cares if it's real?

I like believing that.

It's a a fun, it's a fun story.

He got

the hair at this point, though.

So, yeah, that's kind of the first little witch prank she pulls.

And the second one is she makes a voodoo doll of the mean teacher and makes him take off his clothes in class.

And while he's yelling about Hamlet's manhood, and then just fucking Simpson style, the superintendent walks in, like he's using that moment to do an inspection of the school or something.

Well, her magic just gravitated the situation to it.

Exactly.

Like, we brought Danielle to the podcast.

So, the superintendent was brought in.

There it is.

Yeah, and then there's like this really funny thing later where he, like, the mom puts the doll in the washing machine and the guy walks through the car wash.

This movie is

so funny things in it.

Yeah.

And that is where we get our first person of color.

The guy who works in the car wash.

The guy who works at the car wash.

A legend.

Let's go.

Yes.

God.

A legend in the field of representation.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's.

Yeah.

It's okay.

We are.

It's the 80s.

It's the 80s.

So we are actually about.

I mean, again, I don't want to fucking pick favorite songs in this because how do you do it?

But we're almost to one of the greatest musical moments in the history of cinema.

Singing in the rain can eat fucking shit because we're about to talk about one of the most amazing songs in cinema, but we're going to take a little break before we begin.

I'm Emily Fleming.

I'm Jordan Morris.

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On every episode of our podcast, Free With Ads, we ask, why pay for expensive streaming services when you can get free movies from apps with weird names?

Each week, we review the freest movies the internet has to offer: classics like Pride and Prejudice, cult classics like Point Break, and holy sh, what did I just watch?

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This person has done that.

We love them for it.

And here is their message.

This message is from Eric Kingston and Close Encounters.

They're a music act out of Jacksonville and they have a message for you.

Emily, do you want to read the message in one of your famous

voices and accents that you do?

The confidence in which you said famous.

You're famous for them.

We all know that.

That's a fact.

I have to pick a voice, right?

Yeah, should I

wheel of impressions?

No, no, I'm going to just let

it speak to me.

Oh, I love this.

I'm an up-and-coming Jacksonville music act, Eric Kingston, with my backup band, Close Encounters.

I've played in the Southeast and looking to expand and tour.

P.S.

I'm friends with Daisy Tackett and also loves stand-up and comedy writing.

Huge fan.

And you are a huge inspiration, y'all.

The best.

Okay, see?

Famous for a reason.

What did I tell you?

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Go to maximumfun.org slash jumbotron, and we will share your message with the world.

See how many voices I can think of.

Sure, yeah.

Make Emily do the more of these we do, the more voices Emily has to produce.

She can't repeat them.

I will run out.

So, and if you want to see Emily run out of voices, maximumfun.org/slash jumbotron.

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We're here with Danielle Radford from Tits and Fights.

We're talking about Teen Witch.

Okay, so here we are.

Our two main characters, or our main character and her best friend, Louise and Polly, they are riding bikes, talking about guys they like.

And it turns out that Polly has a crush on Rhett, one of the a cappella rappers in his mid-40s.

And sure enough, as they're talking about this, him and his buddies are doing like freestyle rapping on the curb, and she just sighs and says,

Look how funky he is.

It's true, he is funky.

He's so funky fresh.

He's so funky fresh.

He's so funky, funky fly, freshy, freshy fresh.

A funky bunch.

Call Marky Mark because we have a new member of the funky fan.

Before we get into what they sounded like, I would really like to talk about the dancing.

Dancing is insane in this movie.

So it is like, like you're pushing against a jello or something.

And it's like,

like, it's like you can't quite get to the next move because it moves so slow.

And I watched a video where they were like, we had to work with a choreographer for like a week.

And I'm like, bitch, why?

Like, I don't understand.

I think they brought in like one of the grease toured grease grease choreographers.

Oh, there's a package that sounds like it makes sense.

Grease two.

It's very greasy.

It has a greasy grease on it.

There's a moment where a woman, like at the last of the 80 dances, it opens with this girl dancing at a boy so aggressively, and you're looking, and the boy doesn't know what he's supposed to be doing.

And I can't tell if it's the actor or him, but he's just like...

like jumping back and like flinching and like what am i what am i doing and like that's our that's how they start the last dance it's like totally wild so yeah so this is they are they are rapping top that, and then so they're rapping, and then you Louise magics something out of the air, and then her friend is compelled to rap this back at him.

Oh, almost score it.

herself.

Love the guitar.

Danielle, you were mouthing along with that.

Could you do this at karaoke?

Yes, I could.

It's real sad.

It's real sad.

Have you?

Wait, have you done this?

No,

no, no.

If anyone had it, I would.

If we go to somewhere and we're all together and it's got to be the brass monkey in Kate Town.

I bet they have it.

Oh, no, I bet they have it.

They've got books.

They've got like three books.

I bet they have it.

They got to have it.

Supersotic, idiotic.

If you ever do

not respect it you gotta tell us like whoever really want to go and top that oh it's bad yeah i used to watch that scene over and over again because i too wanted to be funky fresh and

well i just think that that that actress deserves

so much opportunity and so for putting up with that like and committing to it well and my understanding is that that was not that was not in the script originally like they brought in some people to kind of zhizh up the movie, and they added a bunch of musical numbers, and top that was one of the numbers that was added in.

So, imagine you're doing this movie, it's already pretty silly, this witch movie, and then one day you go into a meeting and you meet with the directors and the producers.

They're like, Hey, you know how you rap?

And you're like, No, but I don't.

And they're like, No, but like, here's a rap for you to memorize.

We've added a new scene.

And it's

just about you rapping.

There are probably a lot of people who don't know what rap is still, you know?

They just show her a bunch of Flintstones commercials where it's like, my name is Bunny and I'm here to sing.

I love Brady Ribbles in the major way.

And that's how she got it down.

Cody Rubble, the first rapper.

The first rapper.

Exact same like rhythm and sequence.

Like, it is that.

Okay, so yeah, we have one more, one more amazing song to talk about.

There's a whole fucking scene that I think we just have to skip over that's fucking great where they steal a jacket from a pop star by like faking their way backstage.

Second person of color, a bouncer.

Oh, there you go.

And they make him look like an asshole.

So, yeah, they steal this jacket, and then she does a spell to make herself the most popular girl in school.

And then she's so fucking popular.

And there's this great montage where she's just going around school, being loved by everyone.

And it's to this song.

There is a most popular girl so bad.

So there is a rap in this that I transcribed because

we got to talk about

the 80s for a second.

So

the gross quotient on this goes up immediately because then Rhett and his group of, I don't know, a bunch of like actual Latin dudes, they found and was like, here, wear this plaid because someone finally saw someone of color and was like, oh, put them in that.

And so he rolls up and he's like, um,

hey, hey, sugar, won't you ride with us?

Come on, pretty baby, don't you put up a fuss?

Looks like you really caught my eye.

Jump in the car so that we could all fly.

Be cool, baby.

Don't you put up a fight?

whether it's a Wednesday or a Saturday night.

We'd like you to come into our world because every cool guy needs a popular girl.

It is upsetting.

And that is also where I kind of got that grease thing of like, what is it with just like gangs of dudes running around asking, like, singing about women putting up a fight?

Dog, I just think I queefed out my whole period.

Right now, that's so crazy.

Oh, yeah.

Oh,

the world's trash.

Anyway.

And she's just walking the whole time while she's getting like cat called and like, you mean me?

Oh, yeah, that's right.

She's like, she will class and everyone claps for her.

And then, and then there's later there's she's outside of her house and all her fans are out there and they're just holding up signs that say Louise.

It's just her first name.

It's not like we love you or like Louise for president.

It's just holding up signs that say Louise.

She wrote her name.

It's so crazy.

Wait, we have skipped over a very weird scene scene that I think about.

Oh, sure, yes.

I've been thinking about since last night when I watched this.

So, our boy, Brad, who is still with the blonde girl, but like taking our girl Louise places, takes her to an abandoned house.

Yes, on the list, that's actually he, so all is that coming up next.

Yeah, oh, let's let's talk about it now.

All of her fans are outside, and she like escapes.

Hey, I thought I thought I could give you a ride, and they go to the creepiest fucking saw trap house.

Fucking Tetanus City.

I actually wrote down like she takes her shoes off in defiance that there's nails everywhere.

There's nails everywhere.

Yeah, she's wearing like high heels going up this mountain to yeah, a fucking place where a jigsaw tortures you.

Yeah!

He immediately takes it like she goes and sees his shirt is off and she's like instead of like, you know, thinking, because she has no, she has no idea of like having a fear of her own life.

Clearly, we can tell by that, right?

That's what happened.

They fucked up.

Like, come on.

Come on.

Yeah, I think they say, like, it's like she goes home and she's like, he kissed me.

And it's like, man, but you, you have sex in this filthy house.

There's a lot of laying down and rubbing.

It feels like you fucked in an abandoned house.

You take your shoes off.

Just rolling around.

Just rolling around in exposed insulation.

They spend like what felt like 10 minutes just like walking slowly around each other like two caged animals trying to decide if they're gonna fight and they do this before finally they like break eye contact and like lay down and start like yeah, they literally

like who needs to make out like laying down unless you're gonna do something else.

I don't know.

Maybe I sound like a mom from the 90s, but like the other thing is

I don't know.

He did this pose against the wall that like told me, oh, we fucking,

where it's like, he's got the, both thumbs are in both belt loops and there's no, there's no belt, baby.

No belt.

And, and he's got one leg bent up against the wall and the other one straight.

And I'm like, oh my God.

He's a Calvin Klein model.

Yes, it's like Revolution like 90, just like posing and just waiting.

Why don't you Tommy hill finger me like right here in this house?

We definitely attached to you.

I'll make you red story.

There it is.

Thank you, Matt.

I'll make you wet seal.

So this, you know, so she's getting everything she wants.

She gets like the lead in the school play.

She's like, break a leg to the lead, and the lead breaks her leg.

Ha ha ha.

But her friend.

That was fucked, actually.

That was totally fucked.

I know.

Yeah, so she's like taking things away from everybody else.

Her friend is like mad at her for being popular and forgetting her one friend.

Well, if that bitch wanted to be popular, she'd get rid of those fucking hats.

That's on her, obviously.

Oh, yeah.

Would you call those the worst hat?

Oh!

Oh.

We got a sting.

The worst hat.

There it is.

Yeah.

Yeah, at least Blossom put a flower on that shit.

Yeah.

Like, do something.

Be quirky, do something.

Listen, Polly walks so Blossom could run, okay?

No, that bitch looked looked like she was going to do come on, Eileen.

Like, she didn't look like she was there to, like, be a teen girl.

So, yeah, so she's getting everything she wants, but she's still sad.

Brad asked her to the dance, and he, he, he, she, she doubts that he, um, you know, likes her for her.

So, I know, you have a thought.

Because this is the moment when you kind of go, because she's talking to Zelda, and she's like, he kissed me, but like, why?

And of course, my brain is like, because he wanted to fuck, girl.

But, like, she's like, but, like, how did you-it's not that serious.

He wanted to fuck.

Uh, and Zelda's like, Because he like loves you, and she's like, Yeah, but like,

I don't know.

Is it because of the spell?

And in my brain, I'm like, Ah, here comes, here comes consent.

We're going to talk about some good consent.

Let's go, consent.

And then she's like, Yeah, because I just don't.

I'm like, consent, consent, consent.

She's like, But what happens when the spell ends and he doesn't like me anymore?

And I was like, Oh, we were so close.

We were so close.

We almost

were in the neighborhood.

You know,

it's right around the corner, but it's like, no, her her main thing isn't like, hey, is it okay if I'm making this person love me?

Her main thing is like, but when the spell ends, he's not going to like me anymore.

And that's terrible for me.

It's good that Brad never bathes.

It's good that no one in that high school ever bathes.

Silthy fucking kids.

Well, the other thing is she keeps talking about, how do I know?

if they like me for me and i'm like bitch you don't have a personality like the entire movie i'm like who

is you?

Like, I don't know if you know who you are.

Yeah, she is, like, she's a very just like generic teen.

I think, you know,

you can put your experience under her, but she has like no, yeah, the only person

in her

belly.

Well, it's true.

But the only person in her family who knows who they are is her weird brother.

Like, everyone else is just kind of like, I just walk in rooms and I wear sweater.

Like, that's about it.

yeah i wear sweater i ask if anyone needs things

yes she can she can make people disappear and also there's a scene where she controls the weather like her power set is fucking she's a god like she is has so much destructive power where time they get to top that she doesn't even need to like say spells or like pick out or like like use tools

she just feels it and she's like uh and like rubs her uh you know rubs her silver jewelry chunky necklace and is like there we go you can rap now um so yeah so we're kind of about at the end of the movie.

We're at the

school's uh sixth dance of dance of the month.

Uh,

they go to one more dance, uh, she goes with Zelda.

Cute moment, but you brought an adult to your high school dance.

That's weird.

Um, but you know, very cute.

Um, and she

can't see her, though.

No, you know, yeah, maybe Zelda's a figment of her imagination, you know.

Well, can I just say that uh, Zelda looks a lot like my grandmother.

Oh,

the very tiny lady, um, if you can believe it, and similar voice and similar outfits.

Did you steal all the height from your grandma?

Because I did too.

I stole it from my dad's side of the family.

But my, I mean, but the titties came from that tiny ass grandma.

Yeah, let's go for it.

Yeah.

Tiny bitch, big titties.

Let's go.

This people don't wobble or fall down.

So she decides, she like throws the necklace away

and then decides just to be herself.

Well, she didn't throw it away.

She gave it to our

means something based on the magic rules of this movie.

Who knows?

Zelda's going to wreak havoc.

Zelda's about to be a fucking problem.

It's like those people who are always like, if I win the lottery, I won't tell you, but there will be signs.

Zelda about to get a magic BBL.

Like, Zelda gonna go get her a new.

Oh, Zelda's gonna wandivision that town.

Oh, hell yes.

Well, Zelda.

It's a fucking multiverse of madness.

Yeah.

Exactly.

Well, Zelda had, like, you know, she took over, like, she had Louise turn a frog into a hot man who can't, who can't speak, but he can ribbit.

And it's like, oh, talk about cons.

Yeah, this whole town's going to be ribboning pretty soon.

Yeah, does this frog want to get fucked?

I don't know.

Well, you're about to.

You hop on pop.

As she takes out the necklace, she throws it and like the spot follows it.

And that's how you like, no.

Oh my god, God.

Okay, so that's Dean Witch.

We're going to rank it, but first we have to do the hunk watch.

It's hunk watch.

I probably don't have the strongest opinions for this movie.

I'll just say I think Rhett's kind of a hunk.

Can he rap?

No.

Can he dance?

Absolutely not, but he's quite handsome.

He's handsome.

And he's a nice middle-aged man.

Emily, i'm i think i think we can guess what yours is but you want to make sure what is it what do you think

is it david is it nerdy nerdy

nerdy david pompadour

yeah yeah gorgeous i get i i think brad is hunky to me because he's really hunky he's like 25 but he's like 80s 25 which means he looks 20 25 40.

uh so for me it's like yeah you're pretty that's hot i'd let you i'd let you work on my portfolio like or whatever it is you do Portfolio?

Oh, you got a portfolio, huh?

Yeah, I got a portfolio.

Okay, Danielle, we got another.

We're going to have to, like, have an episode about hunk watch where we have you show us your spreadsheet.

I'll show you my spreadsheet.

That's on only hunks.

That's on OH.

You got to pay for that.

That is not in the main feed.

All right.

Matt, did you have any opinions on the hunks of this film?

Zelda.

Yeah.

Yeah.

She's, you know, this house is clean, you know what I mean?

Yeah.

I,

weird, weird,

magical, magical coincidence.

I did, I last night watched poltergeist before I watched this movie.

Oh, wow.

First of all, poltergeist is a great movie, right?

Why did you watch poltergeist?

You'll be shocked to hear to talk about it on a podcast.

Coming soon to Goosebuds.

You'll hear my thoughts on poltergeist.

So great to see Zelda into two great roles back to back.

Two equally iconic roles.

Two equally iconic roles, which we all remember, which we are equally good.

Yeah, we know all the good lines that she had in Teen Witch.

This witch is teen.

Yeah.

I will say the only moment that I got very emotional in this movie was when

There's this Louise goes to visit Zelda and talk about how she's, you know, feels overwhelmed at the, you know, popularity and things that don't feel real.

And then she sits in Zelda's lap

in a chair.

And then they laugh at it.

And they're like, ha ha, that's so silly.

I'm littler than you, even though I'm older than you.

And they switch places and Zelda sits in her lap and they hug each other.

And like,

oh, I cried about it.

It was so cute.

I want a movie about their relationship.

Like,

I just love them so much.

It was so so cute.

I do want to see the havoc that they wreak on the town because it's like, because like Louise has like one year left.

She's not a senior, she's a junior.

I would, I would have loved to have seen a movie that it's just about like them.

Like, I know, fucking A24, make that horror movie.

Make it.

If it was connected to Teen Wolf, like this would have been amazing.

But of course, the universe idea and the connected universe.

Teen from the Black Lagoon.

Yeah, Teen from the Black Lagoon.

Oh, my God.

Just embarrassed about my gills.

My gills are beautiful, honey.

Finger, my gill.

Speaker, Marie.

No, don't apologize.

Why would you apologize?

Well, those are the hunks.

We have to rank this movie on a scale of one to 10 super loud commercials.

We're going to do it after a break.

But to go into a break, I want to play one more little piece of audio.

This is something Emily found.

This is the actor who played Peggy.

on Glamour Magazine's.

Oh, excuse me.

This is the actor who played Polly on Glamour Magazine's YouTube channel.

This is like a couple years ago.

She redid the rap from Top That and fucking fucking nails it.

So, yeah, let's go into a break on that.

I don't really give a about trying to top that.

Top that, top that.

I wish you would really take a look and stop that.

The Flophouse is a podcast where we watch a bad movie and then we talk about it.

Robert Shaw in Jaws, and they're trying to figure out how to get rid of the ghoulies, and he scratches his fails and goes, I'll get you a ghoulie.

He's just standing above the toilet with a heartbreak.

No, I was just looking forward to you going through the other ways in which Wild Wild West is historically inaccurate.

Do you know how much movies cost nowadays when you add in your popped corn and your bagel bites and your cheese critters?

You can't go wrong with Henry Cavill Mustache here at Henry Cavill Mustache's the only supplier.

The Flop House.

New episodes every Saturday.

Find it at maximumfun.org.

We're back.

It's Free with Ads.

We're here with Daniel Radford from Tites and Fights.

We're going to rank Teen Witch on a scale of one to ten super loud commercials.

But first, I want to tell you about how you can listen to some fun bonus content from Free with Ads, Tits and Fights, and all the great shows on Maximum Fun.

You go to maximumfun.org slash join.

You join to sign up to support the network.

It's as little as five bucks a month.

And you get to hear all kinds of cool bonus content, including our TV recap episodes where we watched a bunch of cool episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Danielle Radford, have you done any cool bonus stuff for Tits and Fights that folks can hear?

Oh yeah, we've done a bunch of cool bonus stuff that I didn't think to write down.

But I know I've been in a bonus episode or two.

You have been in a bonus episode.

In fact,

we made you watch a movie, which was fantastic for me.

personally.

We had you watch one of the WWE remakes of an old movie that was really fun.

We also have episodes going back, bonus episodes where we like recast musicals with wrestlers.

We've done,

I think we have we've done Ley Miz yet?

I know we've done Hamilton.

We've done quite a few where we'll just like recast them with Leigh Miz.

Like, who's in it?

That's

fantasy casting, yeah.

So we think like which wrestlers would be Jean-Fash.

Oh my God, I have to listen to this.

This is a genius idea.

Oh my God.

Okay, so much fun.

Maximumfun.org slash join.

You hear all the the bonus episodes.

And of course, go to maxfundstore.com to check out our merch.

Okay.

I'm going to listen to all of this, dude.

It's so much fun.

We go off because we're all also musical nerds because wrestling is basically musicals, except instead of singing, it's fighting.

So, like.

Danielle Radford, we'll let you speak first on behalf of Teen Witch.

You are maybe the biggest Teen Witch fan I know.

On a scale of one to 10 super loud commercials, what do you give this movie?

because I just gotta make is one good?

What?

Oh, ten is the best, ten being the best.

How many commercials would you watch?

I would watch, I would watch 11.

I would watch 11.

So, 10, yeah, yeah, yeah.

This is one of my favorite movies of all time.

I occasionally give a floating 11, and it sounds like Teen Witch in your book is that floating 11.

That's me, that's me, baby.

Uh, one of my favorite movies of all time, uh, one of the movies that like uh really shaped how I judge what a good, bad movie is.

Um, it's it's one of the four pillars for me.

Do you know the other three pillars off the top of your head?

Oh, those are the other three pillars.

And again, I have to always tell people this: I do know what good movies are.

These are two different lists.

I just got to, because people are always like, you like bad movies.

I'm like, I have two different lists.

So you are at the right podcast for this discussion.

Spicy and sweet.

You got to have both.

Yes.

Yeah.

So, yeah, it's

this, it's Mortal Kombat, which is, some people think it's also like a good, good movie.

Danielle.

It's

The Last Dragon.

And recently, another movie is starting to climb into my heart.

I don't know if it's a pillar yet, but it wants to be Megalopolis.

It's getting there.

It wants to be a pillar.

It wants to be a pillar.

It's so

amazing.

God, that movie was so amazing.

I saw it with a friend who was very upset at it, but I was like, this is so much fun for me personally.

Did you see it with the guy standing up in the theater?

No, they didn't have it at the Alamo.

I was so upset.

Emily, Teen Witch, 1 to 10 Super Loud Commercials.

First of all, Danielle, this is the only reason I want to see Megalopolis.

Like, I think you are it.

You are the reason.

And I,

based on your taste level, I, I trust you and I believe in it.

It's like someone made a Batman musical and then like Baz, someone told Baz Lorman to make a Batman musical and then fire and then like lost the rights to Batman halfway through.

Bitch, I am so

anyway.

I think that the way you described it of the pinnacle of bad good movie totally describes this movie.

I'm not going to give it a 10.

I'm going to give it a 9.

I think I don't care about the

like making sense.

I don't care about any of it.

I love the rapid pace of which things move.

And they're like, you get it.

Like, it just kind of goes.

She's got a necklace.

She's magic.

Whatever.

They just go, you get it.

You'll move along with it.

And get to the makeover.

That's what you're here for.

Hell yeah, baby.

Get to the next denim tutu is all what we're trying to do.

And honestly, I had an amazing time.

I don't care if it makes sense.

It's how I feel about a lot of these 80s semi musicals.

I had a blast watching this movie again.

It's a nine.

Also, it's a big nine because of the little brother like

crazy.

We didn't even talk about the scene.

He's wearing a little bellhop outfit and he gives her breakfast.

Yeah.

He irons her homework.

He's amazing.

So, yeah, I love this movie so much.

I plan to watch it every single year at Halloween and maybe just for the fuck of it on Easter.

Matt Lee, first time Teen Witch, what'd you think?

I liked it.

Here's the problem.

Oh, God, here we go.

Listen,

I thought the plot of it was fine enough.

But then the music happened.

And as as someone who's a big New Jack Swing guy,

I was like, yeah, all right.

This movie's got some funk to it.

Lots of vibe.

So I was a white man, I was vibing out, really moving my feet.

So I'm going to give it a seven.

You know what?

That's as much as you can ask for New Jack Swing without a single Tony involved.

That's right.

No one named Tony.

There was no spelling of Tony.

No spelling of Tony.

There was the guy had a fedora on, and he looked like a Tony from the Sopranos type guy.

You know what I mean?

So, yeah, giving it a seven.

I'm going to go nine, too.

I'm with you there, Emily.

I think this is a like good, bad cult classic.

You know, I think everybody about our age kind of knows about this movie.

If you don't,

watch it.

Don't just experience the clips.

Experience the whole thing.

Yeah, it rules.

It is that weird thing where, at once, it is being intentionally funny and working, and then being unintentionally funny and also working.

It's just, it's a super fun roller coaster.

Yeah, great Halloween watch.

I do think there is a specific thing I want to suggest to people who are watching it with other people.

Don't ask questions.

No.

Just let it go.

I watched it with someone who was like, wait, why is it?

I'm like, shut the fuck up.

Just watch it.

Like, let it go, baby.

Yeah, just apply like any movie that, like, any, like, a Freaky Friday or like any Disney Channel kind of magic movie like it's got those rules and that there are no rules.

Let it go.

Look, ain't no rule says a witch can't be teen.

So like just don't stress about it.

Well, yeah, that's that's Teen Witch.

We loved it.

Let's do a little plug-in before we go.

Daniel Radford, thank you so much for

being on this pod.

One of the funniest around.

Tell us about tights and fights and whatever else you want to plug.

Yeah, if you are into wrestling, like wrestling, we we do a weekly podcast where we do some recaps of what's happening in the wrestling world.

We cover some news.

We talk about just some broader topics and we have a lot of fun because a lot of it is us making fun of wrestling in a way in which I think I'll never be taken seriously as a wrestling journalist, which is perfect for me.

Also, if you like things where I am on and being a silly little goofy guy,

I do a bunch of stuff on dropouts.

So if you have a dropout subscription, an episode I just did of actually like just came out like the day that we're shooting this, taping this.

And then I've also got some other stuff coming out and a bunch of stuff that's over there on the platform.

So if you've ever been on dropout and you thought maybe you saw me, you did.

Go watch a thing I did.

Emily, you got anything coming up?

I do.

I will be a special guest on the Lemon Pepper Wet improv show at the Elysian.

Is it the Elysian or the Elysian?

Elysian.

Elysian, I believe.

Elysian?

Are they French or Elysian beautiful East Side?

Yeah, I love that theater.

I will be performing with Lemon Pepper Wet on June 25th at 9.30 p.m.

And

yeah, I'm terrified.

I don't do a lot of improv.

But I have been requested to be there.

And if you want to watch something that is 50-50,

do it.

All All right.

Daniel Radford, thank you so much for being on our show.

Tights and Fights, Dropout TV, all that stuff.

One of the funniest there is.

I said it before, I'll say it again.

Okay, tune in next week when our movie will be No Country for Old Ben.

Maximum Fun.

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