Twilight (Live at San Francisco Sketchfest 2025)
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Transcript
You're about to hear the first ever Free With Ads live show from the Punchline Comedy Club in San Francisco as part of SF Sketch Fest.
A quick audio note: we had a little glitch with Matt's mic early in the show, so it'll sound a little weird for a couple of minutes, but it does get fixed.
So, thank you for bearing with us.
And before we start, I'll mention that the show contains a mention of suicide.
So, if that's not something you want to hear about, we're going to play a little music and give you a chance to find another episode.
Okay,
see you on the other side.
Get a second wind, get a second wind, and clap more.
Thank you guys for being here!
Yeah,
yeah, before we start the show officially, Elephant in the Room, Emily,
do we want to explain the close?
Well, we'd never seen this movie before.
The movie being Twilight.
So, yeah, the movie is Twilight.
We just assumed it would be this kind of movie.
So we got the costumes in advance.
And I thought, so we are all different vampires.
Yeah, this is no Sferoto.
You will be listening to this, and there's something visual going on.
Exactly.
I'm dressed as, you know, Gary Oldman, Bram Stoker's dragon.
Thank you.
I am no Sfarotu.
And Jordan, what the fuck are you?
I totally misunderstood.
I am wearing my Cape Cod cardigan because I thought we were supposed to dress like we were in Vampire Weekend.
There's our guy.
There will be a Godzilla screech throughout the show.
Oh, 100%, yes.
Yes, if a joke bombs, just play Godzilla.
That's a great idea.
Okay, now that we've gotten that out of the way, let's start the show.
Yes.
This is Free With Ads, the podcast that asked the question, why pay 20 bucks to see Nosferatu in theaters when you could go online for free and watch an erotic vampire movie that may not have sex or nudity, but does contain many, many, many scenes of people silently staring at each other and making faces like they just did a wet shark.
I'm Jordan Morris.
And I'm Emily Fleming.
Today's movie is Twilight, the vampire romance phenomenon with the perfect soundtrack for slamming the door while yelling, I hate you, Craig.
You're not even my real dad.
With us always is super producer Matt, hitting us with those beautiful sparkly drops.
Don't come to my my house or else I'll suck your dick.
I have blood.
What was that from?
I'll play it again.
Don't come to my house or else I'll suck your dick.
So it's from your house.
It's just a video I saw on the internet of a guy.
He had a Dracula filter on.
And he said, happy Halloween.
Don't come to my house or else
I mean blood.
Boy,
not to tip our hand what we thought of the movie, but I wish we would watch that video instead of this movie.
This movie, yes,
would watch that video for two hours straight on loop rather than watching this piece of shit.
Yeah, okay, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Before we get into this, are there Twilight fans here
of the movie?
Of the movie?
All right.
No, not the books.
I mean the movie.
Not the time of day.
Yeah.
Oh, sure.
Yeah, the magic hour.
We want you to know that we don't want to
nut your what?
We don't want to nut your yums.
We don't want to nut your nums.
I don't want to nut your num nums.
We don't want to nut your cum.
Y'all, I may have to take these fucking teeth out
because I'm not going to talk right.
Yeah, if you love this movie, you're not dumb.
Yeah, we love a lot of bad stuff.
Yeah.
Oh, no, I love a lot of bad stuff.
I loved that, what, 2000s Dungeons and Dragons mess.
I love that.
Yeah.
So it's fine.
But just know, this is, we
are gonna we love you brutalize this movie
Also, I think important for the for the folks at home the folks listening at home when we asked are there any Twilight fans a lot of people went woo, but an equal number of people went eh Yeah, just people who people who felt the need to go audibly eh.
Yeah, one guy pointed a gun at me
It was crazy.
I guess he really didn't like it.
No, but a lot of people who like this we're not saying you're you you're dumb for liking it.
Please don't take offense.
We didn't like it, but we understand you were young.
You were young, dumb, and yucky-yum.
You know what I mean?
Maybe some of you have had head trauma.
Yeah.
Or have never felt your genitals before.
Yeah.
This movie is wrong.
I couldn't feel mine the whole movie.
The movie is written.
by someone
who has never fucked but likes the idea of sex.
Yes.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Saw a drawing of fucking women.
Yeah.
And decided to write a movie.
Yeah.
This is like, this is what I would think sexy is back when I used to draw naked women with the pussy right here.
In the belly button?
I didn't know.
Well, hey, we're going to talk about, we're going to talk about this movie a lot.
This movie, which is, as of this recording, streaming free with ads.
But first, we want to welcome our wonderful guest live here at the beautiful Punchline comedy club in san francisco california part of sf sketch fest we've got stand-up comedian and one of the stars of pluto tv shauna christmas
welcome
seana i um i know we didn't tell you about the costumes So I took the liberty of
making you a, hang on, let's figure this.
I got sunglasses, weird teeth, and there's cords.
Are you concerned?
She's ready to catch you.
Emily is presenting Sean on the side of the city.
Emily's aligned.
She's got teeth going on.
She's got my James Brown.
Pittman.
Wow!
Wow.
I had to.
It's too hot in the hot tub.
Whatever.
Ooh, a black vampire.
They had one of those in that movie.
And he was bad.
Okay, can you put this in my weave, please?
Put this in my weave.
Thank you so much.
Yay!
Thank you, everybody.
Thank you for being here.
Everyone's wonderful.
This is so cool.
This is my favorite.
This is my Wakanda cape.
It's perfect.
Oh, God.
Don't.
Suddenly, this feels like a racist podcast.
But whatever.
You guys are open to it.
We're just going to see where it goes.
My house coat.
So before we talk about the podcast, we have a wonderful guest here.
We're gonna get to know them in a segment we call Talk to Guest.
Talk to guest.
Wow.
What's it like here in the Stings Live, everybody?
Pretty wild, huh?
Who sings the songs?
Me.
Brilliant.
Could you imagine if we had money to pay someone else to sing the songs?
Getting an actual singer to sing three syllables syllables,
I pay them $500 a syllable.
It's really good, though.
They say all the things.
Free witch ads, fingering story.
Talk to me.
Oh,
I forgot about fingering story.
I'll figure out a way to get it in.
Get it in.
Get it in.
Get it in.
Fingers.
Shauna,
you're a stand-up comedian.
You have shows here at Sketchfest, but you're also a healthcare professional.
Yes.
What's what's it like to do something useful to society
you know it feels really great sometimes because you're like oh you work at a weed store okay
I'm looking at grandpa's balls all right yeah so tell us tell us about the sort of health care you do I do occupational therapy do you guys know oh an LT crowd yes yes yes thank you thank you it sucks
it's like physical therapy but it's mostly like teaching people how to get dressed after strokes and hip replacements and knees and seeing a lot of people naked, mostly old people.
I work at a nursing home, so.
Hell yeah.
But I yell at them, and that's my.
Yeah, you have written.
You've written a book about the experience.
The title of which is, You Ain't Nothing But a Bitch With a Wig on.
Correct.
I read the audiobook, by the way.
You have to tell us where the title came from.
The title came from a patient I was working with in Harlem, New York.
I travel when I do my job.
job.
I was working in Harlem and I was trying to get her to do anything.
She had dementia.
And she pretty much told me that to my face in front of everybody.
She's dead now.
Yay!
Yes.
Maybe, I don't know.
What's the grossest thing you've ever seen at work?
Oh, gosh.
It's usually like...
I hope everyone has their chicken fingers.
Someone with like their mouth full right now just wants, come on.
You know what's really gross, honestly?
It's like bed sores oh yeah
something about just laying in one spot for too long that your skin just goes away
and your flesh and what how do you how does how does a professional treat a bed sore i don't okay i don't do it i'm like turn the patients turn them rotisserie
move around that's all i can do so your patient your patients are like the chickens at costco then yeah i would hope so Just rotating, getting juicy.
They don't smell as good, though.
Okay, no.
Well, I know.
Chill's open wounds are not yummy.
Whitney's seasoned salt nose.
That's not good.
And this is really cool.
Relevant to our podcast, which watches movies on the most bargain basement of websites.
Yeah.
You've been on Pluto TV.
Hell yeah.
Tell us about that.
I was initially supposed to be someplace else, and then they put it on Pluto.
It was supposed to be on Amazon.
I had taped this showcase set for Coming to the Stage.
It's a comedy dynamics TV show.
It's been going on for seasons.
I was like season 10, I think.
And I hated the entire process, so I've never seen it.
So please don't go watch it.
Well, I'm sure it'll be good.
But it was supposed to be on Amazon, but then now it's on Pluto.
So maybe it'll be on Tubi next.
Ooh, fingers crossed.
Yeah, I mean, I'm sure.
I mean, it sounds like maybe it wasn't the best experience, but I bet the set would be great randomly interrupted by loud DraftKings ads.
Oh, okay.
Yes.
We know what your algorithm is.
Mine's mostly AARP stuff.
And I'm like,
not, no.
Like, I don't know.
Emily, have you considered catheters?
Well, here's the thing.
Did you know anyone could sign up for AARP?
You don't have to be any age, but it does seem like maybe it's
bad karma.
Well, don't you have to be retired?
No.
I mean,
we do a podcast.
I guess I've been retired since I was 25.
We need all the financial assistance we could get.
Please buy our hat.
Please buy our hat.
MaxFunction4.com, buy our hat.
Well, okay.
Now that we've gotten to know our guests, I think it's time to talk about
this stupid ass movie.
Okay, let's.
So none of us had seen it before.
I think we're maybe like a little bit old to where we're talking about the phenomenon.
Wait, wait.
Whoa, Matt.
I've talked about this on the podcast before, but I did see this movie on my honeymoon.
No.
I did.
You're still married?
I'm still married.
I got COVID at my wedding.
Oh, God.
And then we went to Mexico, and I was like, I'm pretty sure I have COVID.
And so we couldn't,
it was a bummer.
So we just watched a lot of movies.
We did have mask sex.
I thought I was going to die.
I couldn't breathe.
It was bad.
But no, we watched.
She picked Twilight and I picked Edge of Tomorrow.
And
so, you know, that's what a marriage is.
It's compromise.
We watch her stupid fucking thing and my super awesome thing.
If you really wanted to, like, prolong the lovemaking, you could have watched Edge Till Tomorrow.
That's what I thought he was going to say.
Oh, my God.
Boo.
No, boo that, everyone.
Boo me.
I need it.
I love that.
My dad loves Twilight.
Your dad.
Really?
Yeah.
Grammy.
Grammy winner Mike Fleming.
Mike Fleming.
Loves.
By the way, go listen to Steel Drivers if you ever have a chance.
But yeah, no,
he likes anything
that my, like, he loves Outlander.
He bought a little kilt.
My mom and dad are having fun.
And he loves Sex in the City.
And then he liked Twilight because I told him, we're going to do Twilight.
You getting hot?
It's too hot to wear the fucking cape.
All right.
I ordered everything, but fuck me, right?
Oh, I love you.
I love you.
Honestly, I'm hot in my softboy card game, okay?
So
the lights are just hot here.
But no, I told my dad
to this movie, and he was like, ooh, I love Twilight.
I was like, why?
Like, it's so weird.
Oh, boy.
Well, yeah, I can't believe I was born.
Let's talk about this thing,
shall we?
Yeah.
Okay, it opens on a shot of a deer.
We hear some voiceover.
This is Bella Swan.
And she says, I never thought about how I was going to die.
I have.
I think I'll probably go choking on a boneless buffalo.
Oh, no.
Let's go around the horde.
How's everybody going to die?
I don't know.
Somebody kills some time.
Well, it's a two-hour movie.
And at some point, I said, well, I never thought about it either.
But 30 minutes into it, I was like, gun in mouth, head in stove.
Same thoughts immediately.
I was like, oh.
Not for two hours.
Not for shit.
All I'm thinking of is how I'm going to die.
This movie fucking sucks.
Unless you liked it, in which case, no judgment.
Well, yeah, no judgment.
No judgment.
No judgment.
I did a drinking game with two of my best friends while watching this.
Tell us more.
And I don't, my notes in the dock don't make sense.
You were there?
None of them.
Well, let me find one.
Excuse me.
I must remove my take off her OJC.
I gotta say, all this Dracula shit is not good for modern technology.
She has to take off the gloves to use her phone.
I have to take off the mustache because the face fucking recognition doesn't work to unlock my phone.
Well, it's true.
That was funny.
Also, I did get him like little fingertip things.
Yeah.
His fingers look crazy, but he's got to do this shit.
I got to do this shit.
I can't do stings.
You can't do stings with the fingies.
Okay.
I wrote something that says, what's up, you little bitch?
I'm in a tree.
And I don't.
I don't know.
Maybe that'll come up.
I kind of don't remember a lot of the movie, which is good for my brain, I think.
I just watched it today, and I've already forgotten it.
And I've saw it on my honeymoon.
So we meet, we meet, we meet Bella.
She's leaving Phoenix, and her mom and new stepdad are putting her in the car.
Did anyone notice Bella's stepdad?
A one-line legend.
Yes.
Bella's stepdad is wearing cargo shorts, and his one-line is, come on, guys, we got a plane to catch.
This guy.
This guy fucking rules.
He's the ultimate stepdad.
I want a whole prequel where he teaches Bella how to use a propane grill.
Yes.
Also, Bella's mom looks younger than all of the vampires.
So
her stepdad is the most interesting character because his job, if you don't remember, or you didn't see the movie, or you didn't even know you were coming to a podcast where we're going to talk about a movie.
Yep.
If you're any of those things,
her stepdad's job is he is a minor league baseball player.
Oh, is that what that was?
Yes.
And it's
so specific.
I was like, I want to know more about that guy.
But he's on the road all the time.
They have to keep switching cities.
I was like, fuck the vampires.
What is he doing anyway?
Also, the vampires would love this guy.
Yeah, they love baseball.
They love baseball.
So Bella, she's leaving Phoenix and she's going to beautiful Washington, leaving on a Southwest airline.
We see that playing roll close.
I I wonder what boarding group she was on.
Oh, yeah.
Two free check bags.
Yeah, oh, yeah.
Official airline of boring vampires.
So she gets to Washington.
Her dad's the chief of police.
And I just want to make a point.
Yes, thank you.
I have written down here, Abdab.
All Bella's dads are bastards.
Abdab.
Abdab.
Abdab.
Abdab.
All Bella's dads are bastards.
Also, she has a little cactus she's toting around with her.
She's like carrying a little cactus from feet.
How did she get that on the plane?
She's like, she's my cactus?
Yeah, she had a little cactus.
From Arizona, because that's where she's coming from.
I'm stopping paying attention.
I don't even know which.
She was almost there.
Yeah, how'd she get that through customs?
I don't even.
Is that how customs work?
I don't go anywhere.
I don't know.
You don't go to...
Interstate travel, you don't go through customs.
Southwest customs.
She gets to Washington where I guess she grew up or whatever.
She meets a kid she grew up with, Jacob.
Oh, Jacob.
Sorry.
Let's go.
He painted his fucking wig.
I do that.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
We got to talk about the wiggery of this entire movie.
The only person who is not wearing a wig.
Emily, we said you can't say wiggery.
What?
Oh,
is that bad?
Should I not have said it?
Why not?
In a hard R, we all are.
It's just me and you ain't hurt.
I don't know.
I don't know what to do.
Listen,
I know we're in Elon Musk's hometown.
We can't.
Listen, you can take the girl out of the Tennessee.
Let's talk about the wiggery.
You can't take the Tennessee out of the girl.
Not the Tennessee.
If you're just tuning in online, I'm black.
So that's why.
Thank you very much.
Thank you for clarifying.
Oh, my God.
Listening.
All right, but seriously, the only person not wearing a wig, I think, is Anna Kendrick.
And that's good.
That wig, when I saw him, I was like, what is this?
I was like, is this a Tyler Perry movie?
I know.
Also, the slutty mustache on her dad is like,
yeah, the way it's like dancing right above the lip.
It's like, Jesus.
It's like you should blur it out like it's a hentai pussy or something.
Like, it's so slutty.
I don't know what she's doing.
Dad's got a big tentacle coming out of his mustache.
Yeah, exactly.
So with Jacob, so like I hadn't seen this movie, but you know, you know from pop culture, this was so in pop culture at the time.
You know, Team Edward, Team Jacob, I'm like, oh, this is the werewolf guy.
They make a lot of werewolf jokes.
He'll be like,
I'm howling mad.
I'm going to wolf down a sandwich.
This fucker doesn't turn into a werewolf this whole movie.
What?
You're going to wait for the second movie.
Ever.
What?
You don't even know what he is.
He's just walking around with a wig on.
He's just making wolf jokes.
It doesn't make any sense.
I'm like, oh, my God.
He's a wolf.
When he turns into a wolf, does it have a little wig?
Maybe.
Well, I don't know.
I'm not gonna watch the movie.
You said no, but I'm not watching the second movie.
10 of these.
You really should.
Yeah, short hair?
Short hair, okay.
Well, that's dumb.
I needed a wolf with a little pretty wig on.
And then I would have watched.
That's what it was missing.
It's the first day of school.
Bella's at a new school.
Anna Kendrick's there.
I just wrote down, nice to see someone acting.
Ooh.
Oh, sorry.
It was hurting my mouth.
I can't do it.
You already have a mustache.
I know.
Ooh, now it is a slutty mustache.
You like
straight tees with a
little burlesque reveal.
Ow.
Sorry, ladies.
He's married.
So Anna Kendrick's at her high school.
And the weird part about this is everyone...
knows who she is and that she's from Arizona.
It's so crazy.
Everyone's just running up to her going, Arizona, you're from Arizona.
You're the kid from Arizona.
Arizona, the nickname, the Grand Canyon state, where the state bird is the cactus wren, was officially a Mexican territory until 1848 when it ceded to the Union and became an official state in 1912.
Arizona, Arizona.
I'm like, why do these people care about Arizona?
These kids are the, it's like the nerd on top of nerd situation.
My favorite thing is there's a scene in the cafeteria, which, oof, that, I don't know, the cafeteria scenes made me want to die a lot.
But there was one, it's like, hey, I'm when I'm not busy surfing the web, and then this dude gets up on a chair and goes,
does a little surf.
Surf that does a little surf move.
And I'm like, who are these teens?
You're so weird.
Do drugs.
I don't know.
Like, something, anything.
What is this?
It's weird because I hate it.
The internet is not new.
It was 2008.
That's a 1994 joke.
Yeah.
I wrote down in my notes, was the internet new?
Because these people will say, just Google it.
Like, it's a hard punchline.
And there's a scene of her Googling things.
Yes.
The vampire stuff.
And
she zooms around the screen like this scene was directed by Michael Ben.
This scene where she's just searching around on
fucking DaVinci code up in America.
She's on Yahoo.
Yeah, there's two things.
Why my boyfriend so vampirey?
Hit me up on A-O-L.
It's like shit like that.
Yeah, it was bad.
That scene was bad.
And then she repeats everything she searched to him in the woods.
Right.
Yeah.
Yeah.
There's a lot of here's all the things I looked up.
Your skin is cold.
Like, it's like, all right, okay.
We already watched that.
It did not need to be two hours.
No, no.
Too long.
Or one hour later.
Or a movie.
Or ever made.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I'm just, I'm sorry.
I, there's just too many white people.
And I understand.
I've lived in Seattle.
He had one?
I've been up there.
All right.
But it was just too.
Pale.
Oh, my God.
Yeah.
So, so white.
Yeah.
Oh.
And so
there is.
So
she's goofing around.
She's goofing around.
She's probably Caucasian up there.
Think about what it's like to record this podcast every week.
Oh.
Throw some spice in there.
Somebody.
Bring back Jacob.
He is really hot.
You're going to miss that wig now.
He's really hot.
He's really hot.
So this lunchroom scene, everybody's goofing around, making jokes about the internet, and in walk the Cullens.
They are
a horny step family
that all look like they're 42.
Okay, so yeah, so
it's listen, we're close to that age too, but I ain't going to high school looking like this.
So, we have
a lot of fun.
We have a segment on this show called The Oldest Teen.
Oh!
Oldest Teen.
There it is.
Hey!
Run them in money!
So in the world of this movie, these are hundred-year-old creatures who are eternal or whatever.
But they are supposed to move throughout the world as high school students.
This is such bullshit.
Now, I'm going to say they all look pretty old.
The oldest is Rosalie, I think.
She is a gorgeous woman, but her vibe is divorced manager of an old Navy.
Which one is Rosalie?
Very specific.
She's the one who looks like a divorced manager of an old navy.
Is that the one with the crazy pixie cut wig?
No, she's a crazy wig.
That is the craziest wig I've ever seen.
That is the worst hat for sure.
Do you know what wig I'm talking about?
Give me a second.
It is horrible.
Horrible.
That wig is the worst hat.
It's, I mean,
she's such a beautiful actress, and they put this.
It's like the scarecrow from Wizard of Oz like stuck his finger in an electrical socket.
You know what?
Can I just say I'm actually glad they made the white people do this movie?
Because
I love Flutch, Flutchbury,
y'all deserve some shit like that.
Y'all deserve some straight-to-fucking Tubi ass.
It's definitely not straight to fucking.
Tyler Perry is known for having, like, he doesn't even change the wig, and the wig's moving around.
He's like, keep it.
We'll fix it in post.
And he never does.
You need some just messy Caucasian wigs
looking bad party city with y'all.
You're right.
That's the exact vibe.
I did.
It was like, just throw it on.
It's literally, it just feels like non-union.
Well,
yes.
You're watching the movie.
You're like, what's off about this?
Oh, no one's getting paid.
Scale.
Is this a billion-dollar franchise or a Kickstarter website?
Yes.
No kidding.
Just the CGI stuff got all the money.
Oh, the budget went right to the left.
Now, Disney movies are better than that.
Like, not Disney movies.
We'll get to that in the channel for sure.
Yeah.
Original movies.
Like, Xenon kicks this movie's ass.
I was going to say, the special effects in this movie, I would say, are Hercules: The Legendary Journey.
Yes!
I love that reference so much, and I love that show.
Yeah.
I hated this movie.
It was bad.
Now I'm back to hating it.
I remember that part.
Now I'm like, this is what the fuck.
Can you curse on this podcast?
No, no, no.
I already said hentai pussy.
You did it.
You can say whatever you want.
She's an actual slave.
I said wiggery.
Yeah.
That's bad.
Emily did a racial slur.
It's not a racial slur.
In what context?
I don't know, but I didn't know that till now.
I apologize.
Listen, we respect wigs in this show.
Yes.
And where they were made.
Yes, we respect wigs.
It's my favorite political party.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Get a little political.
I'm more of a bull moose party guy myself.
Oh!
Don't tag me.
Also, I'm just- This is the crowd for those.
Can I just say when the Cullens show up that first time,
the music that's playing, I don't remember,
but the whole
step family energy, this is the music that should have been playing.
You know what I mean?
You know what I mean?
Why is there a long scene where one of the Cullens gets stuck in a dryer?
I love that kind.
That's my favorite.
Predicament porn.
I love that.
Is that what it's called?
Yeah.
Well, now I know what to go.
Predicament porn.
I thought I was just running out of stuff in regular porn.
No.
Stuck in a dryer is very specific.
Stuck in a window.
The weirdest one I've seen is stuck under a bed.
Yeah, I've seen that one too.
How did you get in?
Go out the way you came in.
Her titties got stuck on the floor.
Her titties got stuck on the carpet.
So she couldn't.
Alright.
Let's yell it at.
What do you like seeing people stuck in when you're watching pornography?
A wash washer.
Under a coffee table.
I get it.
Wet.
I swear someone said foosball table.
Someone say foosball table?
Yeah,
that way you could fucking then play a little game afterwards.
Maybe air hockey.
Maybe air hockey.
Oh, I don't know.
Get a titty sucker.
Air hockey is another type of blowjob.
Get a little breeze going in.
So, okay.
The Cullens are there looking.
Thank you.
Oh, yeah.
Keep us on track.
Please.
The Cullens are there looking porny.
And
one of the Cullens, it's Edward Cullen.
That's right.
Playing by, I would say, one of the most, one of my favorite current actors, Robert Pattinson.
Yeah.
Amazing.
Amazing.
When we sat down to watch this, I'm like, oh, I love these two leads.
I love them in everything.
They are some of the greatest actors of their generation.
And it just proves that if you stick at something, you will get better.
Yeah, 100%.
If you just keep at it.
Wasn't that one girl in Panic Room?
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
I love Panic Room.
I enjoyed her in that.
That was real bad.
It's not too long ago.
Wait, who is in Panic Room?
Kristen Seward.
Jody Foster.
Jody Foster.
I need to see that movie.
I saw the the one where Jody Foster's kid gets taken on an airline and then...
Nobody believes her?
Nobody believes her.
Yeah, yeah, that's what I like.
They didn't believe her?
They didn't believe her.
Panic plane.
What boy is this?
Yeah, it's like panic plane.
Panic dishwasher.
Passenger panic basketball table.
Oh, no, I'm stuck under a plane.
Fuck me.
She's stuck halfway through the door of the panic room.
That's a good question.
Ooh, here's one.
Help me.
Forget him in panic room porn.
Help me.
I'm in the overhead compartment.
I gotta work.
There's something with head there that we could do.
But I won't do it.
There probably is.
You think there's a writer's room like this in porn?
Yeah.
Probably.
What are we going to get stuck in?
I'll do it if I can get help.
I'll say it.
Credits are credit.
Yeah, dude.
Hellfishers.
Is it union?
I'll take.
So free testing every day.
So, you know, Edward Cullen, he's there.
So hot.
He and he and Bella are giving each other weird looks.
That is 90% of this movie.
Just
not.
I just didn't.
I had to rewind.
I was like, what is wrong with him?
Yeah, it's the sound on my TV.
It wasn't sexy.
It was like, she smelled her hair.
Like, do I stink?
And I was like,
maybe you do.
I don't know.
I was like, looking at her, like, is there a wet dog?
Disney Channel actor as well.
Like, you smell something bad.
Yeah.
Like, it's just like, just do it for the people in the back.
Yeah, they're going.
Shit was vaudeville.
So they're looking at each other, and I guess that's the start of their romance.
Later, she goes to a diner with her dad, and the condiment work at this meal.
Oh.
Oh, you're looking at details.
You're looking at the set.
I had a little bit of a drink.
Well, we'll look at Brandything, just to be entertained by it.
I was looking at the burger, but okay.
The burger looked good.
The burger at this diner looked good.
I would love to eat it this.
But so, okay.
I swear, neither Kristen Stewart nor the guy playing her dad have ever used condiments before.
I don't know if you noticed this.
I think he puts A1 on a salad.
No,
I think you can, if you freeze it, he's putting A1 on a salad.
And I think this is like a meme.
I feel like I've seen it.
Maybe he has some steak on there, a little steak meat.
You know, you might be right.
It could be a steak salad.
Maybe a steak salad.
It could be, you know.
I don't know.
But no, I think he's just a freak.
Yeah.
And Kristen Stewart picks up a ketchup bottle, turns it sideways, and does this.
No.
I mean, like a paint can.
Yes.
Yeah.
Has she ever squirted ketchup in her life?
I don't think
any of these actors have ever done any manual labor of any kind.
No, definitely not.
It's like watching Angelina Jolie run in a movie.
You're just like,
have you done this?
She did that firefighter movie.
I couldn't believe seeing that run.
I was like, you never ran.
Hey, hey, she did.
Her dad is John Goyt, okay?
She's probably run before.
When your dad's John Goyt, you do a little running.
You do a little running.
You do a little running.
So, okay.
You know, so
I'm just like looking at what happens in the movie.
So they do a little flirting.
She says she doesn't like the rain.
That's dumb.
I wrote down, is this everyone's first time talking?
Yes.
Seems like they have like, they're like, yeah, I can talk.
I can talk.
I'll just talk on the day.
Just say action and I'll talk.
I don't want to practice him.
I don't want to practice him.
No, I don't want to practice him.
Just say action and I'll talk.
Okay.
Every time Kristen Tewart talks, it looks like it hurts.
Like, she's like, yeah, that's
the thing about it.
No,
no,
no.
So he, so Jake,
Jake Edward, who cares?
So Edward, she's about to get hit by her car.
Her dumb buddy is going to hit her with his his car, and Edward jumps in and like does a little kind of Ironman landing.
I don't like this.
You don't like the landing?
I don't like that.
Which time we see a black person, he's about to kill a white lady.
That's true.
That's true.
And we don't really know why.
The car just speeds out of control.
Never driven a car before in Washington.
Ah!
Buddy, you're going to jail.
Why are these roadslips?
You're going to jail, dude.
It's a rap.
Her dad's the police.
You're about to kill my daughter.
Abdab.
Bro!
And that's why everybody knows her because there's not many of them.
Because they all die from car
debt?
I was like, oh, I don't drive.
Car den.
I don't know.
So later, so she's fine.
Edward saves her.
Later in her room, she starts dreaming of the thing that happened two minutes ago.
And I'm like, I know.
I just watched that.
And then they all go to the beach.
Her and all her friends go to the beach.
They're going to go to the beach in Washington State.
Yeah.
Yeah, all of her friends are surfers.
All surfers.
They're all surfers like this.
They're all surfers in Washington.
Get the fuck out of here.
Maybe that's why he did the surf thing.
There's barely surfers here.
Washington's fucking icebergs everywhere.
You surf the net and the surface.
And the waves, dude.
So they're at the beach.
Anna Kendrick, she's wearing like a knit baseball hat with an eagle on it.
I think this is the worst.
Oh, all right.
I stand corrected.
The worst cat.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
All right.
Well, why?
All of the stings are the same.
For those who have never heard this podcast,
all of the stings are the same.
But you must applaud every time.
Wait, hold on.
Who hasn't heard this before?
Who's ever heard?
This is your first time?
All right.
A couple people who have never heard this podcast.
Is you watching us like what it was like for us watching Twilight?
Have these people ever talked before?
Yeah.
These guys have never had a conversation.
They're talking over each other.
Music's playing.
So then, so Jacob's at the beach.
He, like,
tells her about how his, like, family is wolves, which never pays off.
He never turns into a fucking wolf.
I guess she's like, no, wait, did he tell her he was a wolf?
He says, like, my family is descended from wolves.
That's a story of a woman.
I'm like, any
time now, we're going to have a monster match, and this guy's going to turn into a werewolf, and he never does.
Sucks.
Sucks.
I do not remember that part.
Stop caring.
So, so I was wasted at this moment.
So this is when she goes home and Googles the stuff Jacob talked about, and you get this scene where it's zooming around the search results, the internet.
It's so exciting.
She's logging on to Alta Vista.
She's asking
Netsky.
Nets game.
She's going online.
She's MSNing it.
Yeah, she's aiming, putting it up in a way.
Baby days.
Miss school.
And so
the Googling scene happens.
And
she finds a book on like legends or something.
Hey, here's something I liked about this.
She doesn't just buy it, she orders it at an indie bookstore.
Like Green Apple Books in San Francisco.
Oh, is that a real place?
Yes, you have to say the name of the place, and they clap.
Hey, but at that bookstore, you can probably buy a very cool book called Youth Group.
You can.
Thank you.
That was written by yours truly.
Or you could buy another book called The Bible.
Oh, those should be free.
Are we booing with the Bible in here?
Is this some sort of age?
This is the future liberal.
It is now.
Yeah.
We're all going to see each other in hell.
That's nice.
Not me.
I'm going straight to heaven to watch the next Twilight movie.
Yeah.
I bet God had a hard time with this movie, too.
He was like, Jesus Christ.
Why is he turning into a werewolf?
He's saying wolf jokes.
Why are they doing a werewolf?
We need another flood.
I didn't know that.
Yeah, the rapture begins today.
Wolf jokes.
So some like bros attack Bella.
Edward saves her.
Turns out he can read minds, I guess.
But not Bella's.
He cannot read Bella's mind.
Which this is the same thing to True Blood.
She smells real good.
Is this just a thing in
vampire lore that bitches smell good and they want to eat them?
I don't know.
They get more.
They're sexy.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But I mean, this is.
I enjoy being told I smell good.
You smell good.
Thank you.
No, thank you.
I still think you smell like a quesadilla.
Thank you.
Me and that
split a quesadilla and some chicken oil backstage.
A warm quesadilla, not a cold one.
A nice and warm, cheesy one.
It's fresh.
Thank you.
Thank you for whoever yelled yum.
I appreciate it.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I don't have a scent.
Oh.
I don't.
You don't?
No, it's my body does not produce enough oil to make sense.
So you're ashy?
I'm very ashy.
I have dry skin and eczema.
I definitely smell like something underneath all this.
I'll tell you that.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, there is sweat.
I'm afraid to get up.
Yeah, we want the potatoes.
We're happy to say hi and hang out after the show a little bit, but I am going to rub a quesadilla under my arms.
Maybe a little dab behind the ears.
Meow.
Wow.
Okay.
Ew.
Someone was.
Wait, hold on.
Who was meowing?
We don't know.
Anyone?
Yeah.
I was into it.
So, I mean, we're already.
Someone thought they were about to get kicked out of the show for meowing.
No, no, no.
Meow more.
That's freaky, everybody.
Thank you.
Jordan was just excited because that might be a cat.
Did a cat get a cat?
Is there a cat?
Hold it up.
I want to pet its head.
God, I love cats.
I wish there was cats in this movie.
There's not.
Yeah, there's not.
This is all Twilight.
So, okay, these bros attack Bella.
Edward saves her.
She Googles some more stuff.
It's really intense.
And then she figures it out.
She knows he's a vampire.
They go out to the woods.
She says, how old are you?
He says, 17.
And he's been 17 for a while.
Ew.
Emily actually looked up the age.
He's 109 or something.
Yeah.
Oh, that's not old enough to be a vampire.
But it's also just like...
There are people alive right now that are 109, and they are not vampires.
They're just
old.
I had a patient that was 102 once it's not that hard really what were they like not that hard bro please were they as hot as edward cullen no she she was chilling though she had back pain
who doesn't you know
edward she had back pain but 109 years old uh kristen stewart's character is 17 age gap big yikes big yikes big yikes yeah i know it is it is it is you know this movie is fun to goof on but it is like uh like this is where a lot of kids are learning like relationship stuff and it's really a toxic, gross relationship.
Yeah, but I've said this in the past, this is like goes back, you know, to the history of the vampire stories in general.
It's always this ancient thing going after a young woman, but also it's like Peter Pan, same fucking thing.
Oh, yeah, but he's going after a 12-year-old girl in a window.
See, this is like a forever child who actually, like, he's worse.
All stories are gross except for Matt the Bible.
That's right.
Nothing gross happens.
Nothing gross the map.
Sorry.
Well, Can I say,
during that scene, I thought about the movie Fear.
Has anybody seen that?
Yeah.
Oh, fingering story.
Get it ready.
Get it ready.
Yes.
I was watching it like, if I were as a teenage person watching this movie, I'd be like, this is kind of cool.
You kind of want this bad, weird guy to seduce you and maybe finger bang you on a roller coaster.
Fingering story.
And the crowd goes wild.
Thank you.
I'm so excited.
I didn't think we were going to get get to use that today.
No, that's my favorite one.
Oh, that's my favorite one.
That's my favorite toxic movie.
I'm like, and he's going to try to kill her.
And I mean, that was the vibe I was getting.
Like, this is so dangerous.
But they never fucked, and he never tried to kill her.
And I was kind of mad about that.
Yeah, he, so, you know, he's
a vampire.
He makes her say vampire.
He, like, puts her on his back.
Say it.
Say it.
Say it.
I want this.
In my mind, you tell me you know what it is.
Say it.
Oh, my God.
I'm the creature of the Black Lagoon.
Get that fingering story thing back up.
I want to hear you.
Say it.
My vampires.
Say it.
Say it with your pussy.
It was like the.
Sorry.
Sorry.
For
those of you listening at home, I just said it with my puss.
It was like the most awkward game of charades that they were playing.
Yeah.
So he like puts her on his back.
That's so bad.
So bad.
Did you guys?
I didn't know if you did this.
I didn't realize I had my butt cheeks clenched the entire movie until that moment.
Because the cringe is like so.
And then this happened.
I was like, oh, okay, I can relax.
You know what?
This is so weird.
Maybe the upside is a good movie to watch if you're working on your Kagles.
Yes.
Listen,
that's
what the joke.
That's not what Kaggles.
Ladies do five pulses right now.
Don't tell anyone.
Hey, you know what?
Fellas do them too.
Everybody, everybody, everybody.
One, two, three,
Kagel.
Ladies, fellas.
Non-binary friends.
Everybody hold it.
Hold it.
Hold it.
Hold it.
Hold.
Hold.
Release.
Hold.
Hold.
Keep holding.
You got this.
Are you doing it?
So, you know, he's running up the hill.
It looks bad.
The sun hits him.
He sparkles in the sun.
That looks bad.
Bro, the sparkle?
I was so excited about the glow.
Oh, yeah.
What is this?
What is going on?
What is this?
It looked like a staticky TV from
Michael Jackson shit.
I was like, oh, that's I can fuck with that.
I might be like, oh, go in the sun more often.
I like that.
Yeah.
I'd be attracted to that.
This is the skin of a killer.
Oh, yeah.
Yes.
You mean white skin?
Okay.
All right.
Thank you.
Abdab.
Abdab.
Abdab, everybody.
Amazing.
Sorry, everybody.
Did we pick a good guest or what?
Fucking Kelvin.
Kelvin.
I wish the folks listening at home could see Shauna's cape work.
10, 10, 10s across the board.
By the way, nobody says Blair in this movie.
I'm like, what are they going to say Blair?
They don't say Blair.
So she goes over to the Cullen's house.
It's really weird.
They feed her Italian food because they think she's Italian because her name is Bella.
Right.
I loved that detail.
They're like, why are we making Italian food?
I don't know.
Her name's Bella.
Her last name is Swan.
They just want to give her some fucking bird seeds.
We'll give you bread in the park.
Here you are, Bella.
You know, there's a little funny joke in this where they're...
So they don't cook.
The vampires don't eat.
They just eat blood.
And so they're cooking for Bella and they have a YouTube video about cooking on in the background.
I'm like, this is almost a joke.
I almost made a joke movie.
And then I got a little excited and then nothing happened.
And then no joke happened.
No joke happened.
Wait, I got a question.
So none of them knew how to cook before they became vampires?
Like, were they born?
You wasn't a regular ass person before you became a vampire?
They're like, no, I'm more of a DoorDash fan.
What do you mean you don't know how to cook?
You're 40.
It's like, what do we make?
I don't know.
I turned when I I was 12.
Ramen?
Yeah, Maggie Cheats.
You can make a sandwich at 12.
I'm going to make nachos in the microwave.
We just hit vampires on the side.
Would you like something to drink?
It's called a suicide.
It's every single soda mixed together.
Hey.
I want the real one of those.
Oh, God.
Oh, a gun in the mouth.
That'd be nice.
Gun in the mouth.
We can do it.
We can do it.
Here's a live sting.
Impromptu, sting.
Hold on.
Live sting.
Sawing in mouth.
There.
Very nice.
New sting.
That's going to be very popular among parents.
I want my percentage.
So,
you know, some more gross shit happens.
They go jumping around on trees.
I think this is where Emily wrote, like,
you wrote like tree bitch or something.
I was like, I'm in a tree, you little bitch, or something like that.
I don't know.
He's just in the tree like a little, like, I don't know, lemur or something.
He is a tree bitch.
And it was just
stuck in the tree.
The fireman gets him down.
So cute.
Edward Cullen is stuck in a tree, if you know what I mean.
Amazing.
By the way, just want to take, appreciate, appreciate the sex positivity of this crowd.
Oh, yeah, that's what they had.
We all like boards.
We're taking a little break from our Free With Ads live show from SF Sketchfest.
We'll be back after this.
Hey, it's Free With Ads, and we got a message up on our Jumbotron.
Yeah, we love these.
It's where folks go to maximumfund.org slash jumbotron and pay a nominal fee to share a message with our listeners.
This message is for us, actually.
It's someone who's writing a message
not to plug a band or to
wish happy birthday to somebody, which we will do.
We'll do all that stuff.
Oh, of course.
Love to.
We'll do pretty much anything.
We'll do whatever.
I'll faint for you.
Emily will faint.
I'll moan.
Oh, mercy.
I got the vipers.
That's me coming.
Loddy, Laude.
That's how I do it.
I say, laudy, laude when I
mention that.
I say, boom, dino, DNA.
Dino, DNA.
Clever girl.
Clever girl.
That's fine.
So this is from Mike.
Emily, I think last time we did one of these,
you read it
in one of your signature comedy character voices.
Yes.
Do you think you got one for this?
I think I do.
Not to put you on the spot.
All right.
Hey, I'm not able to come to the live show.
I wanted to support the show.
Emily, I hope you're enjoying the dirty magazines.
I do.
I have them.
I have them right in front of me, actually.
Maybe you should explain what those are.
Oh, okay.
Before I continue doing, and
I think it's kind of funny.
I said dirty magazines, and he kind of sounds like someone who would give someone dirty magazines.
I hope.
All right.
I hope that's okay, Mike.
Yeah.
I met Mike on tour with the Mythical Tour, and he gave me a Playboy and a Penthouse magazine, both from April 1986, which was the month I was born.
So boobs from the year that I would be born to eventually one day have boobs.
Okay.
Okay.
There you go.
That's fun.
And I think I gave him a Phlegm Gems necklace, if I'm not mistaken.
Okay, all right.
Yeah.
Phlegms.
All right.
Shall I continue?
Yes, please.
Okay.
Jordan, hopefully you like the Twilight Zone magazine and appreciated my cotton candy Randy.
Super hot, sexy Matt needs to drop hints of gifts he'll like when I hopefully meet him eventually.
Stay safe in L.A.
Okay.
Gifts that I like.
Being alive.
Any way you can make that continue to happen.
That's what he wants for his birthday.
He has one for my birthday.
Another European.
Hey, he says to stay safe in LA.
So that's his gift.
It's probably
means it in a nice way.
It sounds a little like a threat, but everything sounds like a threat to me.
So, yeah, this is Mike.
I actually, I've met him too.
He came up to me at Comic-Con dressed as Cotton Candy Randy.
Cool dude.
Had a great cotton candy randy costume.
You guys see it.
Very cool.
I think he also bought me a drink.
He sounds like a really nice guy.
And
I'm glad that we have fans like this who will
give us gifts and dress up like characters that they love.
Oh, yeah.
It was at St.
Louis, I think, that
I believe so.
I apologize, Mike, if I'm getting that wrong.
So, yeah, maximumfun.org/slash jumbotron.
Again,
we'll plug your podcast.
We'll plug your Etsy store.
Or you can just send us a series of messages about things that happened when you saw us.
Yeah.
Whatever you want.
Whatever you want.
Back to the show.
You know, we've been doing my brother, my brother, me for 15 years.
And
maybe you stopped listening for a while.
Maybe you never listened.
And you're probably assuming three white guys talking for 15 years.
I know where this has ended up.
But no.
No, you would be wrong.
We're as shocked as you are that we have not fallen into some sort of horrific scandal or just turned into a big crypto thing.
Yeah.
You don't even really know how crypto works.
The only NFTs I'm into are naughty, funny things, which is what we talk about on my brother, my brother, and me.
We serve it up every Monday for you if you're listening.
And if not, we just leave it out back and goes rotten.
So check it out on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcast.
Shauna, there's like a thing that I kind of had a hard time with in this movie is that she got to ride on someone's back like piggyback as tall.
As tall bitches, you don't get to do that shit.
My feet are on the ground.
Yep.
You kind of picked me all the way up.
It made me like, you know, I was offended.
I didn't like that either.
I was very upset about these tires.
I feel like I can see three short kings in the back saying, we'll all work together.
That's what I fuck with.
Three short kings in a chair.
We're very strong.
We're very strong.
No CGI needed with a short king.
He'll just do it.
He'll just pick your ass up.
Give it up.
Give it up for the short kings.
Thank you.
So they go jumping on trees.
He reveals he's been watching her sleep.
That's gross.
Whoa.
I always watch her sleep.
Yeah.
Get out of my fucking room.
But this, but she's she loves it, and then they kiss for the first time.
I just wrote: if you thought their dialogue was unnatural, just wait till you'll see them try and kiss.
Oh my god, just they are just smashing their cheeks.
The crazy thing is, they were actually fucking in real life.
Were they?
Were they watching?
And then they, yeah, they were hooking up in real life, and then they couldn't give us a little on the screen.
Like, it was like, I don't know.
They were acting.
They were acting, yeah.
Seems like, uh,
yeah
uh for those of you listening at home uh Shauna is uh making a mouth movement like when a giraffe eats leaves.
Hey!
That's how y'all kiss!
And I've kissed a white man before, so I know.
Well aware.
We just love leaves.
How does it work?
We love to get leaves out of it.
Why don't you just fly light again?
How good?
There we go.
Eddie Redmane from Jupiter Ascending?
Boy, wouldn't it be fun to watch Jupiter Ascending?
Yeah!
Let's just boot up Jupiter Ascending.
A movie that makes more sense than this.
Is that a Zodiac?
That's a...
Create life!
That's a Shanning Tatum sexy dog movie.
What?
And I don't, I think, I think we didn't love it at the time, but looking back, I'm like, I think that's my favorite movie.
Jupiter's what now?
It's a big swing.
I'm a Capricorn rising.
I'm sorry.
Messy.
Messy.
Messy.
Messy.
So, you know,
she goes with his family.
They all play this kind of crazy game of baseball.
This is like kind of fun.
This is like the movie kind of like being campy and fun a little bit.
They play this game of super baseball.
I just wrote, this is the closest thing we're going to get to a a monster mash.
I just want there to be a monster mash.
This is the closest thing you get to seeing characters display joy throughout the whole movie.
That's true.
They had a good time.
Yeah, it looked like they were actually having fun.
The rest of the movie is just painful.
Also, I want to know, like, I want to see the scene where they all picked out their little uniforms.
Yeah.
Where they're all like, okay, we'll get little hats.
And then, like, who else wants this?
Like, stop eating that person for a second.
It would have been
two and a half hours.
Yeah, exactly.
It was insufferable.
Cutting room floor, guys.
Sorry.
We're about, you know, 90 minutes into this movie, and then the plot starts.
Entirely.
Hey!
Hello, blocky.
Showdown.
Thank you for coming.
We have some just bad vampires.
Or bad.
Can I talk about the bad vampires real quick?
Oh, yeah.
When they walk in, it's like they were clearly on a treadmill that was also on like a truck.
And they were floating, and I immediately thought about, okay, go.
And I was like, here it goes, there it goes, goes, there it goes again.
It's not a good sign when you're watching a movie and you start thinking of things you saw on E-bombs.
Yeah.
Remember Dee Dee Mega Doodoo?
I wish I was watching the Dee Dee Megadoodoo video.
I have no idea what he's talking about.
That's the fun Google.
That's the fun Google.
Do it when you get home.
Incognito, I feel like I should do it.
No, no, you don't need to.
Yeah, scared.
It's a regular video.
It's something talking about doo-doo.
What now?
No one's stuck in anything.
Don't worry.
Play the porn hub, song.
Damn it.
Megadoodo.
Favorites.
One of these,
one of these bad vampires, the lead bad vampire, his name is James.
Is this the blonde one?
Nosferatu.
Vlad the Impeller.
James?
James.
James.
That was his name.
Listen, white dudes with J names are bad.
I don't care.
Yeah, I know.
I know.
I don't care what shit I'm saying.
And he's a white dude with with a J name.
You're a horrible person.
Can you try and fucking name this guy better?
Hey, I will say the actor's name who plays James.
Cam Gajandit.
Always good to see Cam.
Cam Gajandin.
His name sounds like when your religious aunt bangs her knee on the coffee table.
Cam Gajandik!
No, Cam Gajandit.
Cam Gajandit.
Why did she use that name?
That sounds better than James.
Call him Cam Gajandic.
That's amazing.
I want to marry him just for the last name.
Emily Gibajandit.
I don't know how to pronounce it, actually.
Especially with these teeth.
This is hard.
I'm working hard, y'all.
Yeah, Emily's been doing this with
vampire teeth.
And this is why you need to come see the show live and not just listen to it.
Watch me sweat in eBay clothes.
I kind of feel like a bitch right now.
You are.
I've taken off everything.
What happened to your hair?
I got hot, okay?
I'm burning hot.
But your wig was the
wigs on the floor, the mustache on the table.
The hierarchy holleration in this wiggery.
I'm the producer.
No more slurs.
Why do we put you guys in charge of things?
I'm keeping this hat.
The hat looks great.
I'm going to wear it everywhere.
I'm this person now.
Oh, no.
You're going to start riding a unicycle.
You got to move to New York if you're going to be the one.
Yeah, I'm going to have to be polygamy.
Yeah, go to Times Square looking like that.
This is a poly hat for sure.
Oh, yeah.
That's a sub-dom hat, actually.
And so
Emily was showing partners.
Emily was just telling me about how monogamy is a tool of the patriarchy.
It is.
Can I?
Does that sound like something I would say?
In the hat, yes.
Good.
You're wearing the hat.
I'm glad that that's what you think.
We need a bunch of bitches.
I love my wife.
Matt loves his wife.
I?
Big wife guy, right?
I love my wife.
So, you know, Cam Gajandit's after them.
They go to Phoenix.
Everybody in Phoenix is wearing a cowboy hat.
It's like they're like, what do people in Phoenix wear?
And just give every extra a cowboy hat.
It's so dumb.
Wait, they went to Phoenix?
They went back to Phoenix yeah
I mean who cares but yeah they go back to Phoenix did they just leave the Phoenix
yeah I didn't know that either
you saw it twice yeah I saw it twice I saw I just finished it in the green room they went back they went to Phoenix they go to Phoenix why I don't know why was it still cloudy
So like she's not gonna watch it again.
See, god damn it.
No, no, I'm not doing it.
Yeah, because that didn't happen.
That didn't happen.
He's the one that, like, he's stalking her mom, right?
Okay, here's what we have to do.
Punchline AV committee, roll the movie.
Now you're standing here with fire for two hours.
Pull your pants down.
We're stuck in here.
Don't worry.
I'll make the movie fun.
I'll do this.
Hell yeah, Godzilla.
We remix Twilight.
So, for people who have seen all of these,
do they get
it?
Two questions.
Why?
Second question, do they get better?
Or do they get worse?
They get better.
Okay.
We got better over here.
We got worse over here.
More action.
Have you seen it?
Okay.
Have you seen them all?
Better or worse?
Worse, okay.
How did they keep getting made?
I don't get it.
Because people see them.
People are horny.
Michael Sheen is in them eventually.
I kind of saw some clips of Michael Sheen.
I'm like, maybe I'll watch it.
Michael Sheen.
Maybe Michael Sheen is in there.
Oh, yeah.
I have seen that in Dakota fanning.
Love Dakota fanning.
All right.
Roll the entire franchise.
Lock the doors.
Lock the doors.
Yeah.
We're here all night.
Did we get to the part where she just decided she was going to leave?
Yeah, she likes, so she is mean to her dad, and that's sad.
I'm sorry.
What 17-year-olds are like, I'm driving to Arizona tonight, dad.
I'll stop at a motel.
Bitch, you don't work.
Yeah, I know.
You don't have motel money.
No.
What are you talking about?
Where are you going right now?
That's an amazing question.
I'm going to drive back to Arizona, Dad.
Don't be upset about it.
I'm in Seattle.
What are you talking about?
That's
so far.
Why does he take it?
He has a gun.
If you're like, oh, you're not going anywhere.
Yeah, why did I lift it in my turn?
I didn't have guns.
I was so bad at the park.
Like, you're going, oh, dad, I'm going to go back to Arizona.
Sorry, I just must.
I must.
It's midnight.
I must go.
I will stop at a motel if I get tired.
Bitch, go do your homework.
Mellon doesn't do any homework.
They were in school for like two days.
The kid never does homework.
How many years do you think the Cullens were in that high school, high school?
Yeah, wouldn't someone know?
The principal has to, at least.
I know that there's a lot of things you just got to kind of look past because it's not, you know, there's no justifying all of it.
But really.
Well, they mentioned that they
have to move around.
Oh, okay.
But also, it's not like they're fucking inconspicuous.
You're like, oh, the giant porn hub family moved here.
Call the neighboring school district.
Did you have a bunch of fucky teens?
Fucky teens
who moved from the neighboring county.
Who look like maybe they work in advertising
because they're in their mid-30s.
Yes!
They could totally get it.
By the way, the house, the Cullen house, that like, what is that, mid-century modern kind of looking?
Yeah, I was going to say that.
Mid-century.
There's a Lego set of the house.
There's a what?
There's a Lego set of the house.
Do you guys have the Lego set?
At the end of the day.
That's the coolest thing about this movie is that there's a Lego set of the house.
A Lego set of?
Okay.
So the demographic was elementary school.
That actually makes a lot more sense.
Yeah.
That it was for fifth graders who were like.
Yeah, at fifth grade.
You see me watching fear.
Thank you.
Yes.
Like honorable.
Or the craft like we were.
Yeah.
Yeah.
A fucking real goth movie.
Thank you very much.
Take my scars.
Where people get finger banged and murdered.
Yeah, thank you.
Fingerbang.
Fingering story.
Real quick,
what was everybody's movie that was like the first thing that you went, Is horny this?
It was fear.
Fear?
Was that for you?
Okay.
Yeah, I wanted to be murdered by Mark Wobbler.
You probably do it, too.
Yeah, today.
Anaconda.
Anaconda?
Anaconda.
J-Lo?
What?
No, the snake.
The snake.
You're a sick man with sick thoughts.
Google Vor.
You're welcome.
You're welcome.
Oh, yeah, Vor.
I'm learning so many things to search.
Vor.
P-O-R-E, you're welcome.
I'm just like
cream pie compilation all the way through.
That's pretty much it.
There's a lot of silence there.
Wow, that's funny.
Wait, what kind of rebirth compilation, all the way through.
For me, it was an episode of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
What?
Was it the pizza?
Not the pizza, although
there was a Raphael had a girlfriend and she was a lizard lady.
Oh, yeah, I remember that.
And what do they do?
They just like, stop a pirate.
Which is my love language.
My balls are tingling.
Stop another pirate.
Who's anyway?
Yo-ho.
Is anyone going to ask?
Yeah, what's yours?
Oh, it's David Bowie Labyrinth, baby.
Oh, yeah, of course.
Clearly, there's a theme going on.
I think everybody has a sub-answer, but I think that's everyone's answer.
Oh, yeah.
And I've never seen a guy wear powder blue tights ever in my life.
Yeah.
It lied to me.
All adults will be like that.
I thought I would find a man in blue powder tights.
No, I thought I was getting
a game barm, too.
Okay, listen, I don't want to talk about Twilight either, but we have to finish.
All right,
all right, all right.
I forgot where we were from.
Secret of NIMS.
Sorry about that.
It was true that
she was on task.
Head vampire James kidnaps Bella's mom.
James, Jacob, Jingleheimer-Schmidt.
That is their names, too.
And so they meet at Bella's old ballet studio.
She never talks about doing ballet ever.
What the fuck?
There was a ballet studio!
So James and Edward fight.
Bella gets bit.
Edward can suck the poison out, but he's afraid once he starts sucking, he'll never be able to stop.
Once you pop, it can't stop.
Doria, my fucking love.
She's a Pringles can.
Yeah, right?
It's a human stack of chips.
Yeah, this is the closest we get to using this sting.
Talking in the movie.
Yay!
I like imagining what her ballet dancing would be like.
It would be like the worst.
Confused, yeah.
Just fucking so.
Disaffected and
I guess.
Yes.
So she wakes up in the hospital.
She wakes up in the hospital.
But Edward shows up and takes her to prom.
I like prom scenes in movies.
This is pretty cool.
You know what I hated?
The fucking boot she had on.
And the cardigan.
I was like, that's not the cardigan.
That is not what happens.
You just don't get a boot immediately, Bilma.
All right.
You almost died.
Yeah.
So, yeah.
So Jacob's there.
He and Edward glower at each other.
You think a vampire is going to fight a fucking werewolf, and then it doesn't happen.
This is.
all right.
Yeah, they're going to watch this again.
I'm sorry.
I missed
them.
But, and she, so she wants to become a vampire.
So bad.
She's like, do it on the dance floor.
Do it right in front of everybody, please.
Just do it.
And Caro says it.
Right now.
And she, he won't do it.
He won't do it.
Because
he's a fucking fuckboy.
Can't commit.
Yeah.
Straight up.
He's a fuckboy.
He is?
Does he bite her eventually, guys?
Does he?
Oh, it's so much worse than that.
There's a baby.
Okay.
Now, it's a baby born a vampire.
Yeah.
I feel like I didn't fully explain.
I watched all of Twilight
on my honeymoon.
All of them?
Oh, I thought she only watched the first one.
There was a lot of time.
You are such a good husband.
She wanted to watch.
I really wanted to watch Edge of Tomorrow.
And I said, if this is the price I have to pay, it's one of the...
You watched the trilogy.
You didn't say that.
You just say you watched
four.
What's up?
Is it quadruple?
No, part three is broken up into two movies.
No.
Longer, better.
Quadrulogy.
Three Godfather movies.
Four Twilight movies.
One deserves more movies.
More movie better.
More movies, y'all.
For real?
That's crazy.
Oh, five.
What?
What's the fifth one?
Breaking Dawn Again?
Bro, this is a fast and serious twin.
It's ludicrous in the fifth place.
You know what?
I would have loved to have seen Ludacris and Tyrese.
Roll out.
Breaking Dawn Again, Electric Boogaloo.
Something.
What?
Twilight, The Secret of the Ooze?
Based back in the city.
I was really touched by that last scene in the Last Twilight movie where
they did a Paul Walker tribute.
A little burnout.
Gone too soon, Angel.
And I'll tell you all about it when I see you again.
Wow.
Matt,
we can't afford all that.
Can we get the sting music ready?
Okay, wait, which one?
Just a generic I have a sting I'd like to make.
Okay.
Rest in peace.
We'll match it in post.
Rest in peace, Angel.
We'll pick it up.
Mix it in post, like like Tyler Perry.
We'll picture it later.
So that's like the end of the movie.
There's a cool radiohead song that plays.
Is that cool?
Emily, do you like that radio head song?
Wait, I got a question.
I got a question.
The bitch in the window who was looking at them on the dance floor,
why was she upset?
She's another bad vampire.
But why was she like...
Oh, yeah, they killed one of the other vampires.
Oh, when they ate up Jacob, she was like, that's my man.
Oh, yeah, hold on.
She seemed sad that she wasn't fucking, oh boy, she seemed like she was like, I want to to go to prom.
She wasn't mad.
She seemed like she was like, I should be out there, too.
Well, she can.
All the other people.
Your prom day pipe.
You took my prom.
Nothing holding you back, Rick.
There were vampires in this.
True.
There were.
I think I watched Carol.
Fucking Carol.
Way more horny.
We're going to rank this movie on a scale of one to ten super loud commercials, but first we have to talk about who made us the horniest.
It's in a segment we call Hunk Watch.
Kids Hunk Watch.
Yay!
You know,
we didn't talk about this.
I want to make a proposal.
Okay, fair enough.
One audience hunk watch.
So be prepared.
If you've heard the show, you have to talk about who or what your hunk was.
Be thinking about it.
If you have a really strong opinion, we want to hear from you, but we're going to go around the horn.
Audience Hunk Watch.
Shauna, let's start with you.
Who do you think was the most attractive person in the movie?
You might have to come back.
You know, I might come back.
Actually, I lost a child.
I have a prediction.
I have a prediction.
I think maybe we can all agree on this.
All right.
Is it Bella's dad?
Now, listen, I don't love that he's a cop, Abdab, but.
Well, it's not
the dad, but it is the slutty little mustache.
Yeah.
Specifically, I would fuck that mustache to death.
Yeah, yeah.
And the cock and the shotgun when he comes to the bottom of the camera.
He was a cop.
I just want the mustache.
Don't blame the mustache for that.
That's not the mustache's fault.
Shauna, do you have an alternate home?
I hated everybody.
I think the lead bad black vampire guy with the dreads was kind of cool.
He's pretty hot.
Yeah, and he was kind of British, right?
He came around a little British.
He's kind of British.
Was that...
Was that...
Didn't he have an accent or something?
I don't remember if he had an accent.
It's like, is that Idris Elwa?
It was not.
Crazy.
Oh, I know.
Craziest contact lenses on that guy, though.
He was the voice of reason.
Yeah.
Does anyone have a strong opinion about Hunk?
Do you want to come up and talk into the microphone?
This could be a bad idea, by the way.
Come up here, sir.
Yeah, come up here.
Give it up for our audience volunteer.
We hope he doesn't say anything insane.
Don't say the W word.
Don't say the W word.
Don't talk about wigs.
Six words for you.
We have a plane to catch.
You're right.
Very nice.
Hella's got a great daddy's got a great dad.
You thought of this one.
You counted the words and everything.
Thank you, sir.
I stood up for a moment and I realized the whole ass of these pants is sweat.
So I apologize.
I did not pee.
Emily, you're going to need to wipe down with a case of tea.
She's horny for this movie.
This makes your pussy wet.
All right.
I don't think you guys know where pussies are.
Right here, right below the belly button.
Okay, good.
Oh, God.
I know where mine is.
You think caggles are when you squeeze your ass cheeks together?
It's not touched in a while.
It's not been touched in a while, guys.
It's been a rough.
I didn't touch it during this movie at all.
It's been a little rough go out here in these streets, everybody.
I'll fuck a vampire.
I don't care.
Creature from the Black Lagoon, Frankenstein.
Yeah, big black one.
Sorry.
A big black lagoon.
Once you go black lagoon, you'll never go back lagoon.
I don't know.
You can just say whatever on a podcast.
And it's a podcast.
Oh, shit.
Oh, boy.
All right.
Well, hey, let's rank this movie on a scale of one to ten super loud commercials.
Shauna, we'll start with you.
What's the scale?
One to ten super loud commercials.
Super loud yeah because the commercials are real loud yeah oh so just one to ten one to ten it's the podcast is called free with ten is good if it is
it means you would endure ten super loud ads to keep watching it one means you would endure so ten is fear with mark walbert yeah
okay this is gonna be a two two two okay oh that's pretty generous i think
you know they was looking at each other and shit they weren't you know what you're absolutely right.
She is not wrong.
I was like, do it already.
Yeah, credit where credit is due.
They looked at each other.
She was not.
They were looking at him like, oh.
And I was like,
so,
you know,
I'm going to be a little generous here.
I think this is a bad movie five.
Oh, wow.
I think if you wanted to, like, get together with friends and get a little stoned and goof on something, it's got some pretty good goof goof potential.
And yeah, and I think if you like grew up around this time in the 2000s, this is like a special.
If the movie isn't special, the aesthetic is, you know, the aesthetic is so of a time.
The camera angles, though.
The camera angles.
Yeah.
Cinematography.
So
I think if you're having like a bad movie night, not a bad choice.
Twice.
All right.
Emily, what do you think?
I'm going to give it.
The soundtrack is amazing.
We love a movie soundtrack in these.
And so for that, I'm going to give it a one.
A one.
For the Paramore song, and that's about it.
And because poor Muse, boy, they must be suffering.
Matt, what do you think?
Poor Muse, super massive, bad movie.
You know what I mean?
I don't get that.
Supermassive Black Hole was the song I was playing in the movie.
A black hole.
Yeah.
Once you go black hole.
Once you you go super messy.
You never go super messy.
All right.
I give this movie a
eight because it reminded me of my wonderful honeymoon in Puerto Valleta with my lovely wife
who is at home with our two-year-old child.
Oh gosh.
Wait, how long will have you been married?
Don't say two years.
Oh, no, he doesn't.
No.
Don't say two years.
Two years.
No.
It's a COVID baby.
Yeah, well.
You had COVID.
Listen, sometimes you get trapped into love.
You know what I mean?
No, we were already going to get married, and then she got pregnant, and I was like, well, I guess
we have to now.
Yeah, no fault of her own, huh?
All by herself.
Then she just got pregnant.
I don't know.
It was crazy.
I was having a good time.
And she was like, I'm my friend.
I was like, what are you being?
Well, hey,
we're about to the end of the show.
We actually have something special we'd like to close with.
But first, we want to say a big thank you to the hilarious, wonderful Shauna Christmas.
Shauna Christmas.
She's out there performing stand-up comedy.
We're going to throw the links to her social media in the description of this episode if you're listening at home.
Find her, see her stand-up comedy show, and get the book, Yain Nothing But a Bitch with a Wig On.
um and uh emily fleming the great emily fleming drew some posters for
you drew them right
ran them off and i have an art degree
an artiste um so yeah they're they're five bucks we've signed them we're gonna be hanging around afterwards uh if you want to come say hi grab a poster please do yep um
And now,
and now just a little something to close with because we love y'all and because we were so excited to be asked to do Sketchfest, the world's greatest comedy festival.
Yeah.
We're so happy people came to this.
As you know, if you listen to the show, we're obsessed with the Godzilla remix.
This is a song on the soundtrack of the Bad American Godzilla movie from 1998
where they just play a green day song, call it the Godzilla remix, and insert Godzilla Roaring.
That's all they do.
And it really does do something.
No.
Like, it slaps.
It's pretty good.
Like, they didn't do anything to the song but add the Godzilla screaming like,
but it's sick.
It's sick.
It's the only version I listened to.
Yeah.
It's on my running soundtrack.
But we, but this got us thinking.
What if instead of just having Godzilla roaring in the middle of a popular song, what if popular songs were actually about Godzilla?
Hit it.
Oh, here we go.
You gotta give it a second.
One,
two,
one, two, three.
What if Godzilla was one of us?
Not a monster who
she's leaving us.
That's been good.
Not a guy who could make a meet of bus, trying to make his way.
Goodbye.
Bye, Sean.
Bye, Sean.
If Godzilla had a face,
would it breathe fire?
And would you wanna see
if seeing meant that you would have to believe
in things like Manila and in Mothra and Rodan
and Kingdora?
Yeah,
yeah.
Godzilla is great.
Yeah,
yeah.
Godzilla is good.
Yeah.
yeah,
yeah,
yeah.
Two, three, four.
Godzilla,
what have I done?
You're a big chunky guy,
and you're a bit metaphor.
Oh, Mothra.
I'm just having fun
stepping on tanks.
It's where I belong down at the Godzilla Club.
I'm gonna keep on smashing at the Godzilla Club.
I'm gonna keep on smashing down at old Tokyo.
I'm gonna keep on smashing at the Godzilla Club.
Godzilla Club.
Godzilla only knows what I'd be without you
If you should stomp my city
Well I'd run away
believe me
Soldiers would not protect me
So what good are guns?
You feel me
Godzilla knows what I'd be without you
Godzilla knows what I'd be without you.
Everybody, if you're feeling it, stand up.
Ask your neighbor permission.
If they're okay with it, put your arms around them.
Hang along.
Godzilla knows what I'd be without you.
Godzilla knows what I'd be without.
Godzilla knows what I'd be without you.
Godzilla knows what I'd be without.
Godzilla knows what I'd be without.
SF Sketchfest, the punchline.
Thank you so much.
Shauna Christmas, no one's funnier.
Emily Fleming, Matt Leap, I'm Jordan Morris.
The podcast is free with ads.
Good night.
Thank you.
Good night, everybody.
That was Free With Ads Live.
Thanks to everybody at SF Sketchfest and to our hilarious guest, Shauna Christmas.
You can check out all her social media links in the show notes.
Before we go, Emily would like to let you know that she is on Cameo for all your personal message needs.
Hit Emily up on Cameo.
And I would like to let you know that I contributed to two awesome comics anthologies that you can pre-order now at your local comic book shop.
New Blood comes out March 5th from Marvel Comics.
It's a bunch of cool Spider-Man stories.
And Godzilla vs.
LA comes out April 30th.
The Godzilla book is a benefit for folks affected by the LA wildfires.
So pick that up and know that all the money is going to a good cause.
All right, that's it.
Tune in next week when our movie will be Valley Girl.
Maximum Fun, a worker-owned network of artists-owned shows.
Supported directly by you.
