Bats

This is Free with Ads, the podcast that asked the question: why pay 300 bucks for a VR headset to play video games that make you nauseous when you could go online for free and watch a movie that shakes the camera so constantly you always feel like you're gonna throw up?

I'm Jordan Morris.

And I'm Emily Fleming.

Today's movie is Bats.

I've just been looking forward to saying that.

It's the 1999 animal attack movie that does for bats what the movie Jaws did for bats.

And with us always is super producer Matt swarming us with the nation's finest drops.

Oh boy.

That was you.

I'm a drop.

You're a drop, baby.

I can do that to all of you.

What was I saying that about?

Who knows?

I'm always saying shit like that.

No, you really do say, oh boy.

You do.

You say that.

That's an unintentional catchphrase you have.

Wow.

No, I'll lean into it.

Do people like oh boy?

Yes.

Choose one if you like oh boy.

Choose two if you dislike oh boy.

Oh boy gives me anxiety because I feel like Jordan's going to say it when I fuck something up.

Oh boy.

And here's another thing about Italians.

Oh boy.

You love it again.

Oh, here it comes.

Yep, that's it.

Oh, makes me sweat.

All right.

Okay, well, I have a catchphrase.

Coming next year, the oh boy t-shirts.

And then can you please have like

a fist under your chin and the head like slightly different?

Oh boy.

Yeah, yes, yes.

All right, yeah.

Oh boy, brought to you by Jostens.

Jostens, the people that did school pictures.

Do they still do them?

We don't know.

Wait, you know the name?

Yeah, have you known?

Oh, yeah, I got, yeah, I thought that was kind of a con.

Maybe, maybe Jostens just did our school pictures, but

that's quite a poll.

I've retained that for some reason.

Please email the show if you have heard of Jostin's camp.

If you are familiar with the Willie Jordan thing.

And

I just said it like it was a nostalgic thing that everyone knew.

Everybody knew.

I was like, is there like a government-appointed school picture company?

So we all had the same one?

It could be like a very local thing.

It might be.

I used to think that Andy Gump was everywhere putting toilets on things.

Isn't he?

No, I don't think so.

I feel like I said, I did an Andy Gump Gump poll one time in college, and someone was like, No, I don't understand.

He's just like, you know, West of the Mason Dixon or something.

And then there's some other like

regimental rappers.

I've seen them in Tennessee, though.

Maybe Andy Gump's everywhere, and there was just one guy who didn't get it and made me insecure for the rest of my life.

Yeah, that person was asshole.

Fuck that guy, and fuck everybody who didn't get my wonderful Jostins joke.

You guys don't know what you're talking about.

Everybody's rolling at my Jostin's poll.

Yeah.

Well, also, shout out to Jostin's.

Shout out to Jostens.

Good for you.

Big fans.

Hey,

we are going to talk about the movie Bats, which is, as of this recording, streaming free with ads.

But before we do that, we're going to talk about something else we saw for free on the internet this week.

All the free stuff.

Emily, this is something you found on Instagram.

It is a social media post from at DanWhite.

It is a screen grab of of the McDonald's QA site.

Would you read the cue, please?

Okay, so you know, you can go to

any website for a lot of brands and just be like, I want customer service-related questions.

And this, this genius put in, how does Grimace breed?

Talking about the Grimace, the

McDonald's says there's zero results.

There's no answers from McDonald's.

I guess that Ronald is just like comet, like we know.

What do you mean?

Like we know how that Ronald fucks?

Yeah, I guess I feel like Ronald McDonald is not a human clown.

He's like a clown that came from another place that's

from McDonald's land.

Yeah.

Yeah, I always assumed Ronald was a human.

I don't think he's a human.

Do you think he's more like an angel or something?

Or something like a species, like a species of clown in the way it was not really a clown, but

Yeah, that's kind of what it is.

It was a demon

took human form.

He's a grief, or like a grief eater, but instead of eating grief, he eats Bergberg's.

Right.

Well, there's killer clowns from outer space, too.

There's like, I don't know.

It just, to me, he doesn't seem quite, there's something uncanny valley about him.

Right,

he's taken the form of a clown to like trick children.

I think under his skin, he's just ground beef, like uncooked ground beef.

Aren't we all?

Aren't we all?

Sure.

That Matt's a wonderful point.

What is a human

beef?

Waiting to die, man.

Sorry, Day.

Get too dark for you.

Sorry, is that too dark?

Do you know you're just smart meat?

That's what I'm going to be now, a comedian that talks about how dark he's going to be.

And then people freak out, and it's because they don't get how dark I am.

Dark, dark, dark.

Anyway, little bully.

My favorite kind of comedy.

Oh, my God.

So, yeah, the grimace, no genitals, no visible genitals, I guess.

I guess we're assuming what we're seeing is the Grimace's skin.

Well, I think that he's got little, like, he's the shape of a butt plug.

100%.

Like, the legs are kind of short in comparison.

Does Grimace even have knees?

I don't think he has knees.

Yeah.

I think he's just got legs going up into the torso.

I feel like it's the, the dick's got to be up under the

dundrum somewhere.

Yeah.

And this was, if we're talking about the McDonnell land characters and which one is the most likely to fuck, I think this is a cold take and it was a meme a few years back, but it's the hamburgler, right?

The hamburglers are nasty.

Ladies love a bad boy.

Shadow a bad boy.

They love someone with a sack full of burgers.

Yeah.

He's

rubble rubble while he's fucking you.

Yeah.

I think that deep down, he is my type, like, in some odd way.

You like a classic thief.

You like stripes.

I think every dude I've ever dated is a hamburgler in some way.

Yeah, you do have a type of hamburgler archetype that you've

like a little, like he's just kind of a little boy.

He's scrappy.

He's grown.

You know.

Loves burgers and he'll do anything to get them.

Yeah.

Yes.

Yeah.

It's interesting that hamburgler doesn't seem to, I guess I don't know him to steal anything else.

So it's funny him just stealing the burgers and no like fries or drinks.

He's just like eating a bag of burgers without any side dishes.

Any favorites?

His breath must be crazy.

I hope he has friends.

Like i worry about him he's a drug addict it's hard to maintain relationships when you're a drug addict i mean inactive addiction yeah shout out to dice drugs with happy meal toys yeah matt how'd you kick your burger habit uh well after i was arrested for my last ham burglary i bowed in jesus christ and uh he told me to not eat burgers so much no more i've never seen another grimace like as a species there's no girl grimace he could be the last one I'm Google.

I think he's like a unicorn.

He's like the last unicorn.

He's doomed.

Doomed to

be the last of his species.

I bet at some point there's been a girl Grimace.

I hope so.

You can just stick a fucking bow on top of that thing.

I mean, that's kind of what they did when we were kids.

If you needed a girl version of something, you just stuck a bow on there.

Yeah.

You're pretty much right.

I see a girl Grimace.

From where?

Well, someone posted it on Twitter, aka X, the Everything app.

And

there's two girl Grimaces.

They're wearing, one is wearing a church hat.

Yeah, it's kind of cute.

And someone said, I believe a girl Grimace is called a Grimes.

Okay, so I'm remembering that I was like the female version of the what's the peanut, Mr.

Peanut's like wife?

Mr.

Peanuts,

Mrs.

Peanut.

Well, no, I was her as a character on GMM, and they just put a church hat on me.

That's it.

That makes sense.

I just realized.

It's the new bow.

If the bow seems too easy, if the bow seems too hack, if you want to go one little step further in creating your robust, dynamic female characters,

throw on a church hat.

Yeah.

All right.

Well, if you have any opinions on how Grimace or any of the other McDonnell land characters breed, give us an email, free with ads at maximumfun.org.

I can't believe we're asking people to do that.

Yeah, come on, freaks.

Upset us in our content.

Upset us in our inboxes.

I know.

Oh, God.

Okay.

Well,

make me miss important work emails.

Do you want to get gangbanged by the fry guys?

They do work.

Fry guy in every hole.

That's why there's so many of them.

Yeah.

Fry.

What about those little nugget people?

I'll take that.

I forgot that.

Oh, yeah.

They dress up for Halloween.

I like them.

They're fun.

Me too.

Let us know how you look like little naked chunks of flesh.

Yeah.

Aren't we all little naked chunks?

I know, but it looks like it has human skin.

I'm too dark.

Dark.

I'm too smart of a comedian for people to fully understand my ways.

Smart and dark.

Anyway,

hey, let's talk about the movie Bats.

Okay.

Sunday.

Yay!

Good sting.

Yeah, it's good sting.

Had anyone, had anyone seen?

I want two questions for everybody.

One, had you seen this movie before?

And two, how do you feel about bats as a species?

Matt, maybe we'll go to you first and then go in.

No, I had not seen this movie before.

No, I had never heard of this movie before.

My thought on bats is

that they spread disease.

I believe that they are very deadly, and you don't have to make killer bats with science when instead you can just take regular bats and make them give diseases to humans.

That's my feelings about bats.

I'm sure they're cute.

I'm sure we have some bat guys who listen to this podcast.

Oh, yeah.

We're going to be very mad at them.

We're going to hear from them.

We're going to hear from them.

We're slandering the bats, but I've always felt because I'm afraid of rabies.

Oh, same.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, same.

I've seen old yeller.

Sure.

Rabies is a a scary, scary disease.

You don't even know you have it, and then one day you can't drink water and you die.

So that's my fear is that a bat is going to give me rabies at some point.

Emily, this movie and bats as a species?

Okay, just, I wanted to comment on Matt for a second.

Sure.

You'll know if you potentially have rabies if something fucking bites you.

Yeah, that's what they say.

And then you'll be like, a dog bit me.

It's probably rabies.

But don't you?

Don't be afraid.

Don't you feel like every day you wake up with a new wound?

Not an open one.

Yeah, maybe not an open one, but I feel like

I got bruises.

Yeah, like you walk into your house and your wife says she's been gone for three days.

Where have you been?

Just bleeding from every orifice.

Why can't you?

You're like, I don't know.

What have I?

And it was a full moon a couple days ago.

Matt, are you a werewolf?

Maybe that's where you have babies.

I still check my toilet for snakes, but only like at night.

Only at night when it's dark.

That's when the snakes come out.

That's when they get there.

Snake time.

I feel like they're going to eat my balls.

Exactly.

Mine are gone.

Mine just hang there.

Well, minor ovaries in there inside of me.

I piss sitting down because it's more comfortable.

But they would have been balls.

Yeah, and it's relaxing, too, you know.

Have a little time to yourself.

I just don't see why to stand.

I feel like, who am I doing it for?

My brother?

I don't even live with him no more.

And everyone.

Everyone can pee how it's comfortable.

Everyone can pee how it's comfortable.

You know, whether you have a penis or a vagina, pee the way you want it.

If you have a vagina and you want to pee standing up, go for it.

God bless.

Yeah.

If you want to pee while you're running around, cool.

Sure.

You want to pee on my face at some point?

Fine.

Free with ads at maximumfoot.org.

When I was a kid,

we had Opryland Theme Park, which is no longer there, R.I.P.

But there, I had to pee all the time when I was a kid.

And there was this thing called the Grizzly River Rampage, and it was like one of those raft rides.

And you'd like spin in the raft, and then water would get everywhere.

And I'd wait for a really big splash to come over and everyone got soaked and then I'd pee.

Nice.

I like it.

A strategy.

Yeah.

The lines were always crazy.

The water smells weird, right, everybody?

Everybody,

I all think the water smells like asparagus, right?

Yeah, the seven-year-old Emily Fleming ate asparagus.

How do you feel about bats Emily?

Are you scared of them?

Do you like them?

Are they little cuties?

I think they are pretty cute, honestly.

I do not want to

come face to face with one without realizing it's there.

That seems terrifying.

But they're the only mammals that can fly, which is so fucking cool.

Wow.

I didn't know that.

Yeah, they're just like singular and interesting.

I love bats.

Sonar, sonar is cool.

Yeah, the sonar is cool.

Also, I have a cousin.

You're not going to believe me.

Who's a bat?

My cousin's name is Joe Bob.

Did you say and

Joe?

No, Joe.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, okay.

Bob.

I have a Joe Bob cousin.

This is all tracking so far.

But he's

and

he's

in biology.

He's a biologist, I think.

I don't know, but he studies bats.

Like, that's all he does.

Like the woman in the movie.

Yeah, this is great.

I wonder how he feels about this movie.

See if

you can get a comment.

See if you can get him to comment on its accuracy.

Yeah, I think

maybe he'll do it.

If he doesn't listen to the part where I made fun of his name a lot.

Yeah, he might do it.

Hit him up.

Hit him up at Christmas if you see him.

Okay, yeah, totally.

But yeah, I haven't seen the movie.

You have not seen this movie.

But

Freevy has been listed in the Free With Ads section on YouTube forever.

Like, ever since we started this podcast, it's been there.

So I'm glad we're finally doing it.

It makes me love YouTube that there's like a home for these movies.

Yeah.

Because like it's clear that like no one's buying bats.

You know what I mean?

Like, no, like Amazon Prime was just a little pass.

Like, Freebie literally went under so they didn't have to have bats on there.

Right.

Yeah,

it is nice.

And again, something I think we all like about the Free with Adziverse is it's kind of home for some of these misfit toys.

Yes.

So, yeah, I actually did see this movie

when it was in theaters.

I saw this with my two dumb buddies, Hector Fernandez and Eric Frimadig.

We were super into Mystery Science Theater 3000.

And we had, like, for a summer, we're like, we're going to go to bad movies and we're going to make fun of them.

Like our heroes.

Cool.

No, it's, no, it sucks.

No, I love it.

We were probably so fucking annoying.

And I mean, again, like, we were probably one of five people in this movie theater.

Oh, you did it in the theater?

Yeah, I know.

Started.

We saw bad movies.

I thought you meant you saw it and then you talked shit later.

No.

I would have loved you guys.

You were my parents.

I know.

But yeah, no one else, though.

Yeah, I think there's this little period when you're a teenager where like

you want to be funny, but you don't quite know like how to make a joke yet.

So you just like, you just settle for being annoying.

And I think that's what we did.

We're like, just like, let's be annoying.

That's, we're, we don't know what a joke, what's to be annoying.

Anyway, um, so I apologize if you were seeing bats in Orange County sometime around 1999 and there were three idiots just talking in it.

I apologize and I'll send you five bucks.

Let me know.

Free with ads, maximum five.

I just want to make you feel better, Jordan.

I, when I was trying to figure out what was funny when I was a kid, I was worse because my friends and I, we would pretend to have British accents everywhere we went.

Oh, so did they, though?

We did that.

Yeah, we did a lot of that.

And we were, I guarantee, it was just Monty Python accents.

It was like,

it was like bad.

What's all this then?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

But we really thought we were getting away with it.

Oh, yeah.

Like, no one knows.

People probably actually think we're British.

Oh, man.

Yeah.

Stupid idiot.

We're going to be famous.

Exactly.

Exactly.

And we know that.

True.

So, yeah, so let's talk about bats.

There is a really fun, free with ads connection to this movie, other than it being a bat movie that you can watch for free.

So the writer of this movie is John Logan.

John Logan wrote Gladiator.

What?

John Logan wrote The Aviator.

What?

John Logan created and wrote Penny Dreadful, the Showtime show that both me and Emily love.

Have you seen Penny Dreadful, Matt?

It's so amazing.

I went to high school with the Dorian Gray guy.

Oh, cool.

Oh, my God.

He was also the first actor from Spider-Man Turn Off the Dark.

I very much know this because I was very excited for him and his Broadway debut, and it ended up being in the biggest Broadway flop of all time.

But hey, he did Penny Dreadful, which is like he was awesome in it.

He and his brother were

that guy wrote this movie.

I just want to say, Reeve and his brother Zane are both virtuoso guitar players, and I admire their jazz guitar skills very much.

Get them on the show, Matt.

No, I don't like you.

Come on.

Come on, get them on the show.

Oh, no.

So, John Logan is just like proof if you keep at something, you will get better at it.

So

what a wonderful story.

I love that.

He wrote The Aviator?

He wrote The Aviator.

Yeah, this is like his first or second movie.

Yeah.

And like this movie has some sort of weird distinction in that it's the movie that went from pitch to screen the fastest.

So I think he just ran into an office somewhere, said, Bat!

Bad attack!

Bad attack!

They green lit it, and then we're just in theaters a few months later.

The trailer for this movie contains no footage of the movie because they hadn't shot it yet.

They just made the fucking trailer.

Yeah, anyway, wild.

So let's talk about what actually happens in this thing.

This sounds so much better than it is.

Yeah, I know.

Yeah, but buckle up for kind of an underwhelming movie.

So, bats.

The movie starts.

We got a couple of teens driving around there to what?

It's probably some sort of makeout point or something.

The woman is given no name.

The man is Quint.

Quint like Jaws.

Oh, is this movie going to be like Jaws, you think?

Because they're referencing.

No, and then it's not like Jaws.

Fucking, what a mistake.

I've said this before.

Don't reference a good movie in your bad movie.

Don't make people remember a good movie if they should be watching.

But this movie feels like, so we love the birds.

Oh, yeah, sure.

We mostly love alligator.

Sure.

Oh, yeah.

This feels like the two of them put together this movie.

Yeah.

Like,

exceptional bad parts.

But minus fun.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Minus fun.

What if we took out the fun?

Totally, totally.

Yeah.

So, so Quentin, this woman, they're fighting.

Quent looks pretty cool.

I put like, he looks like he plays stand-up bass in a psychobilly band.

Sure.

Yeah, he does.

And they are supposed to be from Texas.

This movie is mostly set in Texas.

They cannot do southern accents.

These are the most North Hollywood fucking people.

Were they trying to do southern accents?

I guess.

Yeah, they kind of are.

But yeah, these people are so fucking Valley.

They're so North Hollywood.

Yeah, they all do stand-up open mics at the Ha Ha Cafe.

Oh, God.

And then go smoke hookah.

Oh, God.

Anyway, so they're fighting in the car.

Bats break in.

It's not that scary.

It's just mostly confusing.

The camera's spinning all around.

I was so nauseous watching this movie.

Yeah.

And then Quint, okay, so

you see them getting attacked in the car, and then from the outside of the car, Quint like smashes through the windshield.

How did that happen?

Physically, how do bats propel him through a window?

People are flying through windows all in this movie.

What are the bats doing to make them propel out a window?

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Did he go out the windshield or the windshield?

Yeah.

But doesn't that mean he just like hit something and he wasn't on his seatbelt?

He must have thrown himself through the windshield.

But he wasn't driving.

The car's not moving.

It's part.

Oh, okay.

I forgot about this.

No, no, that's okay.

It's like, it's just, it's one of those things where I'm like, why did he, never mind?

Yeah.

Whatever.

Honestly, that was this whole movie was like,

oh, boy.

Anyway, there we go.

Oh, boy.

It's okay.

They cut to the logo.

Bats, it's upside down.

That's pretty cool.

I like that the logo's upside down and it goes right side up.

Yeah, the title card is badass.

The title card rules.

The taunt for the title of this movie makes it seem like it's going to be cooler than it really is.

So then we go to

Skull Valley, Arizona.

Real place, by the way.

Skull Valley, Arizona is a real place,

which is neat.

Cool name, real place.

Dr.

Sheila Casper is a sexy bat scientist.

She's played by Dina Meyer.

Dina Meyer from Starship Troopers, from Johnny Mnemonic.

Dina Meyer had a hell of a fucking 90s.

Absolutely.

Love her so much.

She's great.

There are problems with this movie.

Cast, not one of them.

No, definitely not.

Everybody rules.

She's great.

Looks awesome.

Doing bat science.

She is looking at bats in a cave and

she's got her man on the radio.

Jimmy.

Jimmy, who is the tallest guy in the movie, I believe?

Oh, is he

tallest guy?

I believe so.

So Jimmy, you know, a lot of, here's the thing.

It's one of these things.

A lot of movies around this time

had one black character

whose job it was to be horny.

Yes.

This is Jimmy.

Or to die first.

Yeah.

Jimmy does make it throughout the whole movie, but unfortunately he has this kind of like cringy dialogue.

The guy in it is great.

The actor's name is just Leon.

He's just known as Leon.

Leon.

He is a 90s staple in terms of like in black movies

specifically, but even in a lot of mainstream movies, Leon has been in everything.

Can I tell you how I know him?

How do you know Leon?

The Like a Prayer music video.

That's right.

Yes.

Oh, neat.

Cool.

Yeah.

He made me very horny at like

a young age.

He's a very attractive guy, and he goes by one name.

His full name is Leon Robinson, but no one knows him as Leon Robinson.

He is just Leon.

And he was billed, like credited as just Leon.

Yeah.

He's done a bunch of biopics.

He was in the Temptations biopic.

He played Little Richard in the Little Richard biopic.

Matt, you're in

Leon head.

Huge Leon head.

Why is this movie so bad?

Yeah.

You have all these legendary motherfuckers in it.

He was in Above the Rim.

He was in cool runnings.

Like, the dude was so, he was in Malcolm X, the Spike Lee movie.

He just

has always been around, and I love him.

I love him.

He is now.

I looked at his IMDB and he is now in like all those prestige TV shows that I tell people I'm gonna watch, but I will never watch.

Yeah, so fucking good for you, Leon.

Get your Emmy if you don't have it already.

Yes.

So yeah,

his thing is he hates bats and caves.

I kind of like that it's funny.

It's like he is like the assistant to this bat scientist, and he hates bats.

Kind of funny.

Yeah.

It's also,

he says it like it's not

unique.

It's like, oh man, I hate bats and caves.

Yeah, most people do.

That's why they don't choose to go into that bat business or the caves business.

His explanation is that he goes, I like them from a distance.

Right, yeah.

What?

Just like everyone.

Yeah, I like to read about them.

Yeah, yeah.

I thought he just meant to look at them from a far distance.

So, like all of these movies, a helicopter lands and they take, they just are picking up the experts where they're working.

No one gets a phone call.

Just a helicopter lands, and you get on the helicopter and you go to the mission.

That's how you know you're the best of the best.

Yeah, when a helicopter lands, no one people don't explain anything to you, and you just go to a disaster site.

I hope to be someday so good at podcasting that I see a helicopter and they go, We need you.

The government needs you.

I'll be like, I know what this is about.

The government needs someone to talk about the Sopranos.

So, yeah, so they are having it's the CDC and they're having a bat problem.

These bats that killed Quint and his scal pal are rampaging through Texas.

They're assembling a very small team to deal with this, including the town sheriff, Lou Diamond Phillips.

He is a cool dude.

He is smoking a cigar because I guess in the 90s, if you smoked a cigar, that meant you were cool.

Now it just means you are someone who wears socks with sandals and you complain about how you can't give women compliments at work anymore.

So

different time.

Different time.

So there, they show, they have Quince corpse.

It's pretty gross.

It's a pretty gross

model with a bunch of guts in it.

They find a tooth.

Ah, we think it's bats.

And Dina Meyer, she's insulted.

Bats would never do this.

Bats eat fruit.

They would never.

And she wants to fucking leave.

She can't believe they're talking shit about bats.

She thinks they're slandering bats.

Yeah,

she's insulted.

But there's like

a mad scientist guy there.

This is played by Bob Gustin, who also had a fucking hell of a 90.

Shawshank Redemption, Demolition Man.

Yeah.

Fucking everywhere.

And I think he, again, cast not the problem with this movie.

This guy fucking understands this assignment so well, and his mad scientist shit is the most fun part of the movie.

It's so bizarre.

Like, it's such a big performance that doesn't match anyone else's, like, energy.

And it makes it awesome.

I don't know.

I know.

He's great in it.

He's

fun.

He talks about.

So they basically just kind of like,

this movie is quick.

I'll give it that.

It's like very, you know, it's very efficient.

Yeah.

He kind of just explains that he's been breeding these super bats that are really intelligent.

And when they ask him why, he's like, I'm a scientist.

It's what I do.

And it's like, well, actually, you could cure cancer if you wanted to.

Like, you don't have to make super intelligent bats.

That's not what all scientists do.

Well, yeah, remember in alligator, they were like, the reason why alligator existed is because it was eating pets that like rolled through a trash chute.

Yeah.

And all the pets had like, were they trying to make them super pets?

I don't know.

Yeah, something like that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So it's like a similar set of scientists.

Except for Jaws, every one of the movies we've watched with the killer animals has been another version of Godzilla.

You know, this is what man has

his

science.

Well, I mean, the birds didn't really have much of that.

That's true.

Well, they were just kind of random, yeah.

Yeah.

The good movies don't need that

for sure.

So these bats are,

you know, they got to stop the bats, I guess.

So there's a little bit of character development between Dina Meyer and

Lou Diamond Phillips.

Her character trait is likes bats.

She was scared of them when she was a kid, but didn't become Batman.

She became a bat scientist.

She has a pendant that says bats on it.

She likes bats.

Is this the Madam Webb of the Batman universe?

Yeah.

This movie's better than Madam Webb.

Come on, don't flag off bats and listen.

Come on.

All right.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Yeah, so that's her character trait.

They get attacked by a flock of CGI bats.

It looks pretty bad.

The bats, so they're locked in the car, and the bats like crawl up through the engine.

That is so fucking smart.

Bats know how a car works.

That, like,

super bats.

They're super bats, so I guess they know, like, the, the, the make-and-model jeep they're in and where you enter to go through the glove box.

It's so light.

Yeah, honestly, the craftiness of the bats and how they get into places are the best parts of the movie.

Yeah, it's really fun.

And there's bad CGI in this, but there's also a lot of cute little bat puppets who are jacked.

Have you seen how these bats were so buff?

I've heard of not skipping leg day, but not skipping wing day.

Boy, oh boy.

I do wish the bats were bigger, like even bigger than the big ones.

They They should be bigger.

There should have been like a giant queen bat at the end.

Yes, that's what I thought was going to happen.

Yes, me too.

That would have been cool.

In the scene where Quint gets killed, I thought there was a giant bat.

I thought there was a big old bat, a man-bat, so to speak.

No, that would have been cool.

Normal size.

They're just normal size bats.

They're bat-sized bats.

Who cares?

So,

they, you know, they survive the bat attack for some reason.

They catch one of them.

They have this fucking half-assed

attempt to give them a romantic subplot.

Dina Meyer and

Lou Diamond Phillips.

Really?

And I have a clip here.

There's like three of these moments where they try and make them flirt with each other.

And

this is one of them.

Matt, can you play this?

All right.

Now, when I open the cage, I want you to reach in and grab them by the neck and wings.

Are you crazy?

Try to be gentle, but firm.

Think I can handle that?

I'm sure you can, Emmett.

Okay, you ready?

Ooh, the scintillating.

Oh, the tension, aren't we?

Oh, we're all so horny, aren't we?

Oh, the chemistry, it's crackling.

He can handle it.

Sure, he sure can.

If you know what I mean.

Like, they're both great actors.

They are so fucking bored.

Especially this, like, chemistry they're trying to make them have is just, like, so forced.

Yeah.

Could you imagine this scene just like, okay,

like, grab this rubber bat we found at Party City?

It's like pretty much.

Where do you want me to grab the bat?

In the wings.

Oh, okay.

In the pussy wings.

Yes.

Grab the bat's pussy.

So, anyway,

they put a tracker in the bat.

It flies away.

And the other bats rip it apart.

That's kind of cool.

I kind of like it.

That's fucking hilarious.

I kind of like that they knew it had a tracker in it.

That's neat.

But then the bats just start attacking this little Texas town, they're kind of going around town, just attacking random townspeople.

There's a very dark moment where a bat crawls in a baby's crib, and they don't show us what happens to it.

That's like you know,

I know I'm a dark stand-up comedian, but that's

that's too dark, too dark.

That's a dead baby for sure.

That's a dead baby.

I mean, I don't know, though.

Sometimes, listen, if you put something smaller than a baby inside of a crib with a baby, that baby

will kill whatever it's holding.

I'm just saying.

A lot of people are like, oh, no, don't bring the cat in the room because cat sucks the soul out of babies, you know, whatever that old wife's tail is.

No, my baby would just kill the cat.

What does your baby do to the cat?

Does she

have a gun?

Start them early.

You got to start them early.

Gun safety is important.

Gun safety is so important.

Does she like squeeze it too hard?

Oh, my God.

Yes.

All she does is chase the cat, squeeze the cat till it squeaks, and then punch it in the head.

I have to tell her all the time to stop terrorizing the cat.

She's pretty much got it now.

That would have been a very funny gag of like you see the bat crawling at the baby and then you cut back.

And then when you see the baby again, it's just bashing the bat on the side of the crib.

That's exactly what would have happened.

I'm telling you.

That's amazing.

Yeah.

So, you know, so the bats start attacking the town.

There's kind of a funny gag here where the CDC apparently told people that this was going to happen and no one believed them.

And the bats are attacking anyway.

And there's this joke about like, it's Texas.

We do what we want.

So

bats predicted COVID.

I know.

I was just thinking.

I was like, wow, this is prescient.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Prescient.

So there's some kind of chaos.

The bats are attacking people.

There's a lot of people just jumping through windows.

Again, it's like, how are the bats doing this?

How are they throwing people through windows anyway?

It's crazy that the birds is so good.

It really is.

When you think about the birds,

there's no reason why it should be better than bats.

Because bats are like birds, but scarier.

Yeah, yeah.

And yet, I believe that the birds do that.

I don't believe the bats do this, you know?

Yeah.

You're right.

I don't know.

I bet somebody got attacked by a bat, like a big bat.

I mean, in real life.

Sure.

Yeah.

But I'm saying, movie-wise, you're watching this movie and you're just kind of going like, wait, what are the bats doing?

Come on.

Yeah.

They're just flying around and then you get a close-up of their face like chomping at you.

And then it does a little, like, it spins in a circle for a while.

And then

the bats only seem to take a few bites out of people and then they leave.

Like, the bats take two little bites and sometimes it's enough to kill you.

But I feel like they like rip, they get the throat meat, the sweet throat meat, and then they just leave.

And I think when they're attacking the mad scientist guy later, they just get his ear.

The bats are like, no, they take him to the ground and cover him.

Oh, that's right.

You're right.

You're right.

They do bite off his ear at one point.

Yeah, but they do kind of swarm him at the end.

The ear was the first little nibble.

Yeah.

I'm like, ooh, good ear.

So,

you know, they're cleaning up after this bad attack.

The CDC guy dies, and she, Dina Meyer, puts her pendant in his hand.

And I'm like, were they that close?

I didn't ever, I mean, you're sad someone died, sure, but like, they're treating it like, oh, oh, my, here, take my pendant to the afterlife.

It's like, you didn't know him that well, did you?

I don't know.

But didn't he love bats as well?

You know what?

Maybe he did.

Maybe, maybe in him she saw a kindred spirit.

Yes.

A bat lover like herself.

You're probably right, Emily.

Our heroes kind of hole up in a school and they kind of like fortify the school with like electric fences and stuff like that.

Lou Diamond Phillips puts on opera.

He kind of puts on opera so they all listen to it in the school.

So there you go.

He has a character trait.

He has one character trait.

He likes opera.

There we go.

On with all.

He's got a second one.

He wears a hat.

Oh, you're right.

He has two things.

Speaking of.

Oh.

Do you think that the cowboy hats in this movie are the worst hat?

Well, they're the only hats.

Okay.

Yeah.

Well, the worst hat.

There you go.

You're right.

MaxFunstore.com.

Get your own the worst hat.

It's also the best hat, but it's also the worst hat.

I don't have a sting for that.

Well, then just keep that one.

Yeah, okay, good.

I do like, I don't know where this movie was filmed, but every every time they have extras, just everybody's wearing a cowboy hat as if to say, look, it's Texas.

See, Texas.

Look, we're in Texas.

If you thought we weren't, we are.

So, you know, they're putting on opera.

They come up with this plan to like cool the bats.

They're like, if we cool the bats, they'll go to sleep

and

they'll go to sleep.

And

if they,

and if they'll hibernate, and then they'll just die.

So

they fine.

Yeah.

And then they're like, and we can't blow up the

cave because it'll make them all scatter.

And it's like, okay.

Oh my god, there's so many like artificial ticking clocks in this movie.

It's like, we're going to bomb the town.

No, we're going to bomb the cave.

But okay, shouldn't that do it?

No, the bats will scatter.

We have to cool them.

You were going to do that before.

Yeah, well, we're not.

It's just like so fucking confusing.

But also, the military is like there, and they're like, go in during the night.

And they're like, don't do that.

They're nocturnal.

They're nocturnal.

And

that's like everyone knows that about bats.

The general goes, don't you think I know that?

Do it anyway.

And you're like, what?

Then if you know it.

No, don't.

I want it to be a fair fight.

You think I'm going to show up to the bats when they're asleep?

Yeah, I'm not going to be a coward.

I'm going to stab them in the back.

I have honor.

I'm an honorable general who's in this movie for two minutes.

A four-star general was about to get eated by bats.

So there's a big yeet.

Yeah.

Or eated by bats.

They yeet.

These bats yeet.

You know what?

Maybe that's, yep.

That is, I guess, getting thrown through the windshield is a form of yeeting.

Yes.

Yes.

It is a kind of yeet.

It is a yeet.

It is a yeet.

And if you live, you get a yeet infection.

It's called raping.

Yeetin ain't cheating, as they say.

We're having fun with a movie that wasn't fun.

The movie wasn't fun, but we're fun.

Unlike the movie.

Still laughing about eat infection, Matt.

Yeah.

So the

Leon.

Oh, no.

So Lou Diamond Phillips punches one of the bats in the face and says, bitch.

This happened a lot in movies around this time.

People just killing something and saying, bitch.

I'm reminded of

the kill shot in Anaconda.

Ice Cube.

Is that Ice Cube in that?

Kills the Anaconda says, bitch.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, 100%.

Much better movie than this.

Yeah, I think John Voigt gets eaten, so he doesn't care.

He gets eaten.

Yeah, and then barfed up.

That's kind of a cool part of that movie.

John Voigt winks.

And he winks?

Yeah.

Anaconda.

That's so horny for J-Lo, even after he's been eaten by anaconda.

He loves J-Lo.

We're talking about another movie within the podcast episode about

we're just reviewing another movie.

That is give you a little taste.

Think about bats.

It reminds you of other better movies.

All right.

So

we're almost at the end of this thing.

Why don't we take a little break?

We'll come back and talk about the thrilling conclusion of bats.

You know, we've been doing my brother, my brother, me for 15 years.

And

maybe you stopped listening for a while.

Maybe you never listened.

And you're probably assuming three white guys talking for 15 years.

I know where this has ended up.

But no.

No, you would be wrong.

We're as shocked as you are that we have not fallen into some sort of horrific scandal or just turned into a big crypto thing.

Yeah.

You don't even really know how crypto works.

The only NFTs I'm into are naughty, funny things, which is what we talk about on My Brother, My Brother, and me.

We serve it up every Monday for you if you're listening and if not we just leave it out back and goes rotten so check it out on maximum fun or wherever you get your podcast

we're back it's free with ads we're talking about bats okay

so the mad scientist guy he reveals he was working for the army then he thinks he controls the bats.

And he kind of like goes out in the middle of the field and does a little, like, come to me, come to me, my children kind of speech.

This is like the best part of the movie.

And this is like what the movie should be.

It should be like campy, crazy shit.

And then it, you know, this is like kind of a fun part.

And then, of course, they like kill him and they bite off his ear and then swarm him.

Great job.

Yeah, it is great.

This is a lot of fun.

We love this dude.

And then, you know, it's just time to go to the bat's lair and kill them.

So, so confusing.

The army went in and they put this cooling unit in, and then the bats killed everyone.

And instead of going back in to turn it on, they just gave up and are doing a new plan where they bomb the

cave, but apparently that will scatter the bats.

I don't know how people know.

It's like, I don't know, blow it up.

I guess.

Yeah.

It's a cave.

You cave it in.

Yeah, geez.

But our heroes.

They can't get out.

Well, I don't know.

Seems like it's fine to me.

There's no one around the cave anyway.

It's like in an empty fucking field.

And these guys are like, what are we going to do?

We got it.

No, they're wrong.

That's not going to work.

All the eggs are in one basket.

How do we do it?

And also go back in and turn on the fucking thing you put in there anyway.

It's literally the best place to kill something.

Yes.

If it were unless they're all gathered together.

And they could have done that.

They could have been like, we can't set off a bomb.

The cave of bats is over the city.

Yeah, totally.

Exactly.

It's like that, right?

That makes sense.

But I think we're all just watching this going, like, I think it's probably fine to just drop a bomb on it, right?

Yes.

Come on, guys.

What are we doing?

Or cast them.

Do we really not have that much faith in American military anymore?

Yes.

You know, the Night Resources darkness.

We can do it.

We've got the equipment.

We've got the technology.

We have a giant air conditioner, apparently, which they can.

Anyway, so our heroes kind of go down in the cave.

They kind of wade through a

lake of guano, bat poop.

That's kind of a cool, gross part.

That's kind of neat.

That was cool.

Very dangerous.

Very dangerous.

There's a fungus in there that can be transferred to humans.

Very dead.

Oh, boy.

Really?

Yeah.

Like, is that in the movie or is that real?

No, that's real.

I hate bats.

They should have been called the movie fungus.

Yeah, or, you know,

bats.

And

disaster fungus.

Yeah.

So, you know, they fight a bunch of bats.

They they find like a little key to turn on the air conditioner.

They turn it on and they go out and they tell the army, wait, we did it.

We turned it on.

And the army just believes them immediately and like, okay, well, we're not going to bomb it anymore.

But so are they they just get cold and die?

Yeah, I guess.

I guess they I guess the uh these steps are like they hibernate.

They think it's like winter and they start to hibernate.

And then where do I get this like special spa day?

Yeah, it's very expensive.

Put me to sleep.

You got to get a giant army air conditioner.

Yeah.

So they do it.

Something explodes, though.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, God.

Yeah.

So I guess they like...

So they turn on the air conditioner and then they explode the cave walls so the bats can't get out.

Doesn't that fuck up the air conditioner?

Yeah,

I don't know.

Also, why couldn't we have done that in the first place?

Yeah, also, right, if they can't get out, does it matter what's happening to them in there?

Anyway, the hero bats trying to sell Gladiator.

They're like, We like the Gladiator script, we need someone to write a bat movie that's going to come out in four months.

Yeah, and he's like, Don't we'll give you a pile of cocaine in a hotel room, please give it to us on Monday.

Yeah, you've got all of Labor Day weekend.

Yeah, it feels like they just gave the actors like their script for the scene in the moment, yeah, yeah, and they just went, they went, went, just do it.

Just, you know, say the thing,

check.

So, yeah, they kill the bats.

Yay.

And there's kind of, it kind of ends on kind of a fun note.

They drive away and a little, like, like, like, like care, like the end of Carrie, like the hand coming out of the ground in Carrie, a little bat pokes his head out.

Cute one.

A cute little bat pokes his head out from underneath underneath the dirt.

And then it's immediately run over by their car.

Yeah.

And then weird choice of music, surf rock comes on.

And it's like,

I looked up on this.

It was so weird to me.

I'm like, surf music?

This song is from Low Strait Jackets, a band I really like who interviewed me.

I interviewed the drummer.

Your school paper, right?

Yes.

Yeah.

You were friends with your dad or something?

I don't know what it was.

Honestly, I need to ask.

Oh, my dad worked for Mapex Drum Company for a little while.

And he was the

warehouse manager for the shipping and all that.

And I think he knew him through that somehow, but yeah, he wanted me to play his drums, and I couldn't.

You're like, because you don't play drums.

No, I was playing the snare drum in band, but I wasn't good.

I was trying to figure it out.

Little did you know, that man would go on to write a song for the credits of bats.

Wow, that's so cool.

A lot of personal connections.

Yeah, a lot of connections.

Weirdly, a lot of connections.

Well, yeah,

we talked about bats.

We're going to rank it on a scale of one to ten super loud commercials.

But first, it's time for our famous segment, Hunk Watch.

It's Hunk Watch.

I have a very vanilla answer to this, and it's Lou Diamond Phil.

Yes.

Who has like been a fucking hunk since the 80s?

And it's like still, he's like making my mom horny on CBS procedurals.

Like this man has been a fucking lifetime achievement award for hunkiness for this guy.

For sure.

I think that she's a big hunk.

Like, she's great.

She's so cool.

I don't know.

Like, I wonder where she is now.

I hope she's still out there doing stuff, but she's stunning.

Yeah.

My hunk.

Yeah.

My hunk is Leon because I love Leon.

Yeah, Leon's pretty hunky, too.

That's true.

Love him.

Big into Leon.

The role, not my favorite Leon role, but you know what?

Work is work.

Work is work.

The creepy scientist guy

on the cusp for me.

Yeah.

Oh, okay.

Honorable mention for the warden of Shawshank prison.

Yeah, I just think he was too tan.

He was a little less tan.

I would have maybe been.

Yeah, mad scientists aren't tan.

That's the whole thing.

Yeah, you should be toiling over beakers and Bunsen burners.

Especially if it's a bats thing.

Yeah,

sure.

Daytime bat hangouts.

Great point, Matt.

Great point.

Thank you.

I got a lot of points.

There's a lot of

plot holes in this movie.

Yeah, I've noticed.

Not airtights.

Well, hey, we're going to rank bats on a scale of 1 to 10 Super Loud Commercials when we come back.

All right, we're over 70 episodes into our show.

Let's learn everything.

So let's do a quick progress check.

Have we we learned about quantum physics?

Yes, episode 59.

We haven't learned about the history of gossip yet, have we?

Yes, we have.

Same episode, actually.

Have we talked to Tom Scott about his love of roller coasters?

Episode 64.

So how close are we to learning everything?

Bad news, we still haven't learned everything yet.

Oh, we're ruined!

No, no, no, it's good news as well.

There is still a lot to learn.

Woo!

I'm Dr.

Ella Hubber.

I'm regular Tom Long.

I'm Caroline Roper, and on Let's Learn Learn Everything, we learn about science and a bit of everything else too.

And although we haven't learned everything yet, I've got a pretty good feeling about this next episode.

Join us every other Thursday on Maximum Fun.

We're back.

It's free with ads.

We're going to rank bats on a scale of one to 10 super loud commercials.

Emily, you want to go first here?

Okay, I gave it a seven.

Okay, okay.

Tell us more.

I don't know.

It was like, it did not let up once it got going.

Like that, they were just, it was just jump scares, like non-stop.

Like, and then the attack in the town square, like in that, like most bananas

I've ever seen.

That's a fun, that's a fun sequence.

It's super fun.

And I don't know, I had, I had a blast with it, but it is a bad movie, but

I was very entertained by it.

Matt, what do you got?

I'm going to give this a four.

I give it four bats.

One of the things that I really enjoyed about this movie was that it was lightning fast.

It had all of the

plot points of a movie, which I love in movies, when I'm just like, oh, this is how movie would do it.

And

the actors were recognizable and reminded me of better movies.

They were.

So I give it it a four.

I understand.

I understand.

Okay.

So

if you microwave an unseasoned piece of chicken

and serve it with a head of lettuce and a glass of water, that is technically a meal.

Yeah.

And I think

I think in that same way, this is technically a movie, right?

Like, I guess.

I guess this is a movie.

Sure, it has a beginning, middle, and an end, and characters.

Yeah, they filmed it and everything.

They did film it, and there is sound and picture.

Yeah.

Yeah,

I think

the fun parts are the things that remind you of better animal attack movies.

I think we all mentioned a handful of them, and we like this genre a lot.

And I'm guessing you will probably hear about more animal attack movies on this podcast.

But I think this was a lesser one for me.

I think the, like, it just makes all the sense in the world that this is something they kind of like sped into theaters without thinking too much about it.

I think there's a more fun, campy version of this movie they could have made with this same awesome cast.

But I think they, this, this, this didn't really do it for me this time around.

I'm giving it a three.

Wow.

There is a sequel to Bats called

Colin Cam and Harvest.

You'll be shocked to know that you can watch it free with ads, but

they it is set

in Afghanistan and it involves terrorists.

terrorists.

Hey, maybe don't try and make your bat movie topical.

It's like, oh my god.

No, don't.

Oh my god.

It's not really about bats.

It's about how like war is hell.

No!

No, don't.

Don't.

Just make them about bats.

Yeah.

Why can't it be more than bats?

No.

Like you had the opportunity to do the giant bat that we all wanted.

I know.

And instead you did.

Yeah, that sucks.

Anyway, um,

so that's bats.

Uh, there's a few comments that, uh, from the comment section that I sure I would love to read some stuff from the comment section.

We actually have a famous segment called Comment Segment, right?

With a skin.

Comment section.

What do you got, Matt?

My favorite is from Sunny Skies wrote, There is always one that gets away, but he got squished.

Lol.

Great movie.

I love it when someone just says says what had happened in a movie.

Yeah, and

then a lot of Lou Diamond Phillips

just says, Luke Diamond Phillips is always solid.

Great movie.

Love the fact that his character loves opera.

Yeah, you love the one fact about his character.

Yeah,

that's the only fact we have.

You know what?

There's bats' heads out there, apparently.

And we, you know, we celebrate you.

Yes.

um,

I love how everyone's single in this movie, nobody has a family, nobody has kids,

just kind of people walking around.

I know, yeah, if they could like could have like made the like sexual tension a little more fun in this, like obviously they're both so hot, and you know, you could like have fun, and they anyway, um, you know, yeah,

like maybe they knew each other in the past or something, maybe, I don't know.

That's oh, you again, oh boy, um, that would have been fun, That would have been fun.

Sure.

Hey,

let's do some plug-in, shall we?

We all hope to see you at SF Sketchfest in San Francisco, California.

We got a live show Thursday, January 23rd, 7.30 p.m.

at the Punchline Comedy Club.

Tickets at sfsketchfest.com.

We have a great guest.

We're going to be talking to the wonderful stand-up comic, Shauna Christmas, who I noticed in her bio lists Pluto TV as one one of her credits.

So she's a star in the world of free with ad streaming.

We can't wait to talk to her about what it was like to be on Pluto TV.

And we're going to be talking about Twilight.

So if you want to hear us goof on Twilight, come see us at SF Sketchfest.

Bring your friends, even if they're not huge fans of the show.

It'll be general, it'll be funny, and only a few inside jokes that they won't get.

Yeah.

Just a few.

Also, are we going to dress up?

We could maybe dress up.

We'll talk about, listen, how about this?

Let's take in the comments of this episode,

get at us on Instagram.

What are your favorite Twilight-based costumes we should wear?

Let us know.

Because we've never, Matt's the only one of us who's seen it, right?

On my honeymoon.

On his honeymoon.

I've seen parts of it, but not, I haven't sat down and watched an entire Twilight movie.

So I'm excited.

Well, let us know if you have any Twilight cosplay tips.

Would love to hear hear them.

And we got merch, of course, maxfunstore.com.

T-shirts, hats that say the worst hat, pint glasses, stickers.

We love our merch, and we would love for you to have it.

MaxFunStore.com.

And hey, I got a little personal plug.

Hey, you love to hear me talk about comic books, don't you?

I have a story in an upcoming issue of Marvel Comics Spider-Man.

That's right.

Web of Spider-Verse will be hitting stores on March 5th of 2025.

I'm doing a story with a great artist named Sumit Kumar.

He's drawn the hell out of this thing.

I don't think I can say exactly what it's about yet, but it is a kind of funny, spooky Spider-Man story.

It's my first one for Marvel, and I'm really excited.

So

if you are a comics folk,

go to your local comic book store and pre-order Web of Spider-Verse.

Put it on the pull list.

It's something you can only get at a comic book store for now.

So if you got a local comic book store, hit them up.

And if you don't know where your local comic book shop is, yeah, head on over to Yelp.

They're fun spots.

And you can get yourself a copy of Web of Spider-Verse New Blood coming out March 5th.

This is really, really, really cool.

It's cool.

Congratulations.

Thanks.

Yeah, yeah.

It's neat.

It was very, very fun to write Spider-Man quips.

I was like, oh my God, this is like kind of the fucking best.

Well, yeah, anybody else?

Any plugs?

Good Mythical Weekend is coming back.

We're coming back, like, I think permanently is what's going to happen soon.

Yes, make sure you are subscribed to the Good Mythical Morning YouTube channel.

Matt, Emily, and I, plus the whole gang of Mythical Crew folks, will be goofing around on Good Mythical Weekend, dropping every Saturday, is that right?

Correct.

I'm not sure when the next

episode is, when it starts, but it's starting soon.

Yeah, excellent.

By the time you hear this, it probably has started.

It may have started.

And if it hasn't, still subscribe to Good Mythical Morning on YouTube and wait for it.

And wait for it.

We're going to be goofing around, playing games, making jokes, having a good old time on Good Mythical Weekend.

Okay.

That's it for today.

Tune in next week when our movie will be Dick Tracy.

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