A HANUKKAH EXTRAVAGANZA with Robby Hoffman!

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The following podcast is a Dear Media production.

I'm Josh Peck.

And I'm Ben Soffer.

And we're the good guys.

There's a lot of guys out there.

And we're the good ones.

Miles and morons, welcome back to the Good Guys podcast. I'm sitting here with the third Kelsey brother.
It's Ben Soffer. Thank you very much.
And I am sitting here with the one, the only comedic genius born in New York City. Actually, Brooklyn, New York.
Excuse me. I already fucked up.
It is New York City. We love you.
No, Brooklyn is not New York City. Yes, it is.
It's one of the morons. Sure it is.
No, but like when I think of New York City, I think of Manhattan. It's five boroughs.
Oh, good. This is good.
Five boroughs. Name them right now.
Okay. Queens, Staten Island, Bronx, New York.
What did I miss? Manhattan is New York, by the way. Cool.
Okay. Manhattan, what did I miss? And Brooklyn.
Okay. But we really refer to that as New York City? Yes.
I'm from the city. Yes.
Yes. So people from Staten Island say I'm from the city and that's not from the city, but New York City.
When you're on your birth certificate or you're doing your passport, it's New York City. You don't write Brooklyn.
Fine. But if somebody comes up to you from Staten Island and says I'm from New York City, you're fine with that.
Well, nobody should come up to me for any reason, especially to tell me you're from Staten Island. I have nothing.
What do I do with that? What are you expecting from that interaction? You do nothing. You do nothing.
What is a good reason to approach you? None. I'm not very, you know what? I don't give it.
You know how people post these crowd clips and stuff like that? I got lucky because I don't seem very approachable. My audience is no better than to fucking talk to me.
OK, you will speak when spoken to. Yes.
OK, it's not going to go well and not in a funny way. I'm not going to be clipping this.
It's going nowhere. And you've just ruined your night.
So I'm so jealous. Ours are the opposite.
They are Yenta City coming up to us looking to gab. We're too nice.
I'm not'm not gabbing i don't look approachable i don't look friendly and i'm not so if someone heckles you or speaks out of one of your comedy shows you're getting them kicked out no they just don't do it they know better they know better you're coming to see me you're coming to see me nobody is coming to see you yes we are all here for me when we're here for me. Love this.
Will you talk a little? You know, I discovered you from our good friend Ian Fidance from his podcast. Oh, good.
I get in trouble. I don't know every comedian in the city.
It's obscene. That's just crazy.
I gotta know what everybody else is doing. That clip was insane.
That clip was insane. To think, and I don't know who this person is.

I'm not trying to shit on her.

But to think.

Hi, Jordan.

Jordan Johnson, the great.

I'm sorry.

Well, then I'm just going to say it.

To have such a big head that you think that everybody in the world should know who you are.

Settle down.

Okay.

I know who Ellen is.

Settle down.

It's not like I know nobody.

Okay.

I know Eddie Murphy.

There are people I do know.

Yes.

There are people I've heard of.

Seinfeld.

Did you know me?

Did you know me?

I actually did know you.

Excellent.

Thank you. Excellent.
Because I love your wife. And then I was discovered to you.
And I just love you guys together. I'm big on relationships.
I love a good, a cutesy couple. That's my shit.
Yes. Thank you.
Well, I love you and I knew you. Thank you.
Love you and knew you. And I wouldn't care.
I'm not offended if you didn't. But I'm just letting you know that I did.
And I have the Instagram. People know me, Jordan.
I've been saying this. The Instagram follow read receipt to boot.
Thank you. I follow you.
Thank you. Do I follow you? Because I better start following.
You don't, but that's fine. I'm going to follow now that I know.
There's going to be some following going on. Yeah.
Thank God. Will you talk a little bit about your beginnings? Because I think your whole story is fascinating.
I've talked at length about this, but you have a specific question. Okay.
Tell me about, so you grew up and feel free to just tell me to shut up. Yeah.
Kind of. That's where I'm aiming.
I'm going, but go on. Perfect.
So you grew up, you have 10 siblings, nine, nine siblings. I'm one of 10 traditional Jewish Orthodox household.
Yes. And then now you're a stand up.
Not not so observant anymore. Well, see, it's hard when I talk about this.
It's not like black and white. You know, Gabby thinks I'm the most religious person she's ever met.
You know, my girlfriend. Yeah.
You know, I have a mezuzah on my door. You know, I'm not an animal.
I mean, there's certain things, you know, there's certain things. I say the schma in the evening.
Hear me. I like that.
There's things that have stuck with me and there's a lot, you know, most hasn't. I'm obviously, you know, specific to scissoring.
It's not it's not everybody's path. But, you know, there's obviously so it's, you What's scissoring like? You know what? I really don't do it a lot.
But for I do that. There's a lesbian handshake right there.
I love that. Oh, yeah.
That's good. Yeah.
I wish I could do it with you. Patent pending.
That was intimate. You know, it's kind of like a spectrum in my family.
There are people who keep more than others, who are more observant than others. I was born into a Lubavitch family, for listeners that know.
It's a sect of the Hasidic community. Sort of the typical, the way we see it in movies and things.
But, you know, but people often think from Williamsburg, I'm from the Crown Heights, which I think is chiller than Williamsburg. I mean, to the average person, they both look insane.
But I know that it's a lot cooler in the Lubavitch community. But then we moved to Montreal and I moved my whole family.
I was just a kid. So the whole religious thing was really something my parents did to us.
We didn't become religious or anything. We were born religious.
And then we what's called fried out. We slowly but surely did less and less.
But still, I remain the most religious person at my school so i went to now a conservative jewish school not an orthodox where'd you go to school bialik and i mean cut my dad my dad went to my dad went to bialik look at this just that's why i asked okay keep it in there shout out to bialik why not in mont, your dad went to school in Montreal? No, but he went to Bialik in Brooklyn. Maybe it's the same.
See, now I'm not as excited. Can't be connected at all.
I literally thought he went to school in Montreal. Okay, Josh didn't have to follow up.
He went to Bialik. Bialik.
Continue. I prefer Bialik.
Nobody saw him there. Nobody saw him there.
Okay, this is like Kamala working at mcdonald's it's not a pick there's no there's no no receipts meanwhile donnie is the young funny he was the young overweight boy in the back brace fighting scoliosis nobody heard of him you saw him you probably picked on him you know they did some exit studies and we're not a political podcast but they, but they said that Trump working at McDonald's was one of the most effective photo ops of his entire campaign. You know, I worked at McDonald's.
I am the only person on record who has worked at McDonald's. We've all seen this.
Let's show the listeners. It's great.
And we'll have our video editors put it in. The editors got to put it in.
And if not, I'll put it in. I don't trust nobody.
OK, well, I can't put it in because look at this. But anyway, we trust you.
What did you do at McDonald's? Well, here's what we did. OK, here's what we did to go to McDonald's.
We were working at this coffee shop. The coffee shop separated me and my best friend, Shani.
Shout out to Shani. Shout out.
And because we were chatting. Yeah, we're chatting.
Occasionally I broke a cookie to cookie to eat a you know working at the coffee shop you're like 18 years old what do you care sure and then she got wind that mcdonald's would be paying 11 an hour and we were making like eight or something like that so we're like we got it so we apply very professionally bring our fake cvs that's the die worked for her dad she worked for her dad. She worked for my dad.
If anybody calls anyone, you know what I mean? It's like. Yeah, you close the loop.
Yeah, you make it, you know, you inform everybody. By the way, if you get a call, I worked.
Of course. I was on time.
Whatever the thing. And but we got to the McDonald's training.
First of all, in the training, they kept saying, like, oh, people come to the, do this. I remember thinking like, what restaurant? And then I realized they were referring to McDonald's as a restaurant.
And it blew my mind. I'm like, look, you know, when we have customers come into the restaurant, I was like, I kept looking across the street like, is this going to interfere with our, you know, shifts or something? Not knowing that they were referring to us as a restaurant, which blew my mind.
And then we said we only want to work the till. We only want to work the cash.
You wanted to steal. No, we don't want to be doing the burgers.
Yeah, it's too messy. You wanted steal.
I don't know. By the way, we did steal plenty.
You did. Listen, I know where this is going.
Robbie and I come from the mean streets there. And by the way, they're stealing from their employees.
Nobody's stealing. We're not stealing.
We're not stealing. We're Robin Hooding.
Nobody is stealing nothing. True.
So we go, we only want to work the cash. Two Jews come in to work at McDonald's.
We would only like to work. And I let them out.
I'm very machine like me tallying. What are we doing? Get it out.
So good. So already everybody hated us because the way that this McDonald's worked, well, I'm sure many of them do or all of them, is that it's a rotation like you're on like most people end up sticking somewhere.
But really, if you're called in to do any station, whether it's the fry station or the back, you know, with the burgers and everything that and you're and you're called also to do the till to do the cash. And we're like, we only.
And so people did not like us. What we did have going for us is we were very hot.
That was very good at the time. I was a secret lesbian, but using men when I needed to.
Oh, say more. Just like, you know, like I'm not paying for a drink.
Like that's not going to be happening. Love.
You know, like the Jewish reasons to be straight, I very much picked and choose, just like my Judaism. And what was your observations as like a would-be seductress with no interest? Were you like, men are so dumb? No, I was a part of, because I grew up poor, I was like in a poor, I was the poorest of anyone I knew, which to be Jewish and poor felt unheard of, felt like how, how, what an outlier.
This is the biggest outlier of anything I've had is that I'm Jewish and poor. I haven't heard of the story since reading about Anne Frank.
By the way, I went to go see the attic and I'm like, not bad. It's pretty roomy.
By the way, three bedroom. Beautiful.
Could be completely made up. Who knows? I mean, I'm looking at this attic and I'm going, it's not ideal, but it's better than many.
Yeah, for sure. Better than many.
They leave that part of the story out. May her memory be a blessing.
She certainly didn't need to live so lavishly if she was definitely blind. They lived pretty lavishly up in that attic.
You know, you picture an attic. What do you picture? Some dust.
A-frame. A-frame.
No A-frame. They're standing.
Fully up. They're up.
You know, everyone knows Anne Frank. I want to know Annie Frank.
Yeah. Because you know Annie was having fun was having fun you know played a little backgammon up there oh my god and then so i i was the friend who never had no money but i was able to do you know it's kind of like a blind person can hear better or whatever it is you know your other senses i used you know my mouth my words my, my head, all that stuff.
So we would go out. Let's say we went to like a club in Montreal or whatever, and it was like a $20 entrance fee.
And maybe my friend was like, well, I got you, you know. Sure.
I would be the one to go up to like, let's say we're like 18. First of all, we go to the club.
You're like, you know, a group of eight girls who are like 17, sneaking to be 18 or whatever. And you're like, I can't believe we got in.
You know, we feel like we're getting like, I can't believe we got in. It's like, obviously they want these teenage girls.
You know what they're doing, you know? So we're like, they make you feel like you want something happened with my my hearing. Olivia.
Suddenly it's like much louder here.

Oh, here.

Let me.

And I'm a loud talker.

I'm a loud talker.

You might have to be more involved in this episode than you are in others.

My levels.

OK, how are we doing with this now?

This is a bit better.

Yeah, that's a bit better.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

There you go.

Because this is going to be the situation like Joan Rivers. You know, the doctor wasn't watching her monitor and she died.
And I know it's a boring job to watch a monitor, but it's all the surgeon. The anesthesiologist is just paid to put the anesthesia in you.
So watch. But of course, I texting.
He's taking pictures. I think he took a selfie with Joan's body, didn't he? She was murdered.
She was murdered. I don't I don't know who I don't know who had something against Joan.
She was murdered. That is a cold case.
They stuffed it away with JFK. We'll find out soon.
She was murdered. I could not agree more.
Really murdered in her prime. You know who murdered her? De Blasio.
There we go. I don't want to bring up another cold case.
Richard Simmons? Little weird. Little weird the way he went.
I don't think he wanted to go. Did he? Only to you.
You don't know that, Robbie. He's been wanting to go for 30, 40 years.
He said bye. That's not true, Robbie.
Didn't he say bye? He didn't. He couldn't say bye.
He's such an empath. He had to completely disappear.
Robbie, I don't know if you know this about Josh, but he's Richard Simmons' number one fan.

He took the news on the chin.

He took the news on the chin.

There's certain people you're glad we don't know more,

you know, like the Mr. Rogers or Simmons.

As we start uncovering the pedophilia ring,

I don't know who's safe from that.

So maybe it's better off you get out from there.

Yes.

I think Richard, may his memory be a blessing.

I think there's a reason we didn't know more than we needed to know about him. I know plenty.
He was great. Richard, there's nothing there there except the fact that he never officially came out.
And he probably was loveless, which is sad. Josh, it's good that we don't know more about Richard.
And we think his housekeeper, Teresa, might have had her hands a little dirtied in his finish. No, I don't think that she knows.
He fell down the stairs and he didn't go to the hospital after. It's good we don't know.
It's always good when we don't know what we don't know. Remember, it's alleged.
The less you know, I have said this, the better. Do not look into things.
People are investigating. I'm like, investigate what? No, once they're dead, I don't want to know anything.
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So if you were a detective, if there was law and order, Crown Heights, and you were Mariska Hargitay, give us an episode. What are you saying? Forget it.
Yeah, we're not looking into nothing. No.
Okay, you come to me with an issue. I go, and? I give you the and.
Not even, you know, in improv you do yes and. I just go and.
And that's it. That's the end of our investigation.
We're not going to be looking any further into whatever the hell. Here, we'll role play.
My sister's been missing since two days ago. We're really worried.
Can't you leave her alone? My family's really worried. She comes home and she lives with us.
She doesn't want to live there no more. I think it's clear.
Your sister went wherever she went. It's none of your business.
Maybe you could just look into it. It's not like her to not say goodbye.
We're not going to be looking into nothing. Okay.
You want me to show you the door? Sure. Right there.
Thank you. Okay.
And we're actually taking in a lot of cases because we only spend 30 seconds on each. That's good.
Excellent. It's actually very good.
It's a good, you know, quantity business. What was I saying with the...
What? You were at the club? Oh, yeah. So the club.
So you get in. You can't believe you get in.
And so my friends had a drink, but I would, because they paid for the cab or they paid for me to get in, i would go up to like 40 year olds sitting with bottle service remember they had like the couch out of like fellas what are we drinking yes i came in with we you know with like just total confidence it's like you know they're all pedophiles like why don't they want eight hot girls to sit with them and i'd like you know shimmy, taking the orange juice or something. I said, I want a cranberry.
And I just held myself to the Grey Goose, whatever I was doing. And if it was running low, I'd be like, you call yourself a man.
You agree up. Yeah.
Get a couple more. I didn't pay a penny.
I didn't pay a penny. More bottles.
More bottles. The markup that, you know, because these, Grey Goose bottle, as we know, is $60.
Yeah. But at the club, it's $600.
You have an issue with this? None. This markup, you're okay with it? Yeah.
That you're okay with. Yeah, because you're not paying for the Grey Goose.
You're paying for the- Well done. The sparklers.
No, no, no. You're sitting in the couch.
You're paying for the table. First of all, a seat in a club is worth a billion dollars.
I got to sit. Yes.
I got to sit. I got to take a seat.
Since a young kid, people are like, you go crazy. I'm like, mm-mm.
I go into anywhere and I go, where can I sit? This is, I need to sit. Yes.
I got to sit. I got to take a seat.
Since a young kid, people are like, you go crazy. I'm like, I go into anywhere and I go, where can I sit? This is I need to sit.
Yes. I like the music, but I'm sitting.
Occasionally, I get up a song only if I know my seat is secured and I'll grind my ass to somebody's semi. But that was it I did.
You have a nice seated dance. Every Jewish girl has a nice seated dance.
What's your seated dance?

You know what I mean?

I'm very Trump-like in my dance.

When he's dancing, I'm like, oh yeah.

Oh yeah.

Trump is bringing joy. What do you think you can say?

This dance is fun.

And then the point, thumbs up point.

I love that.

I love a thumbs up.

We're doing good.

If I'm at a club and I thumbs you up, well, we're good. I'm going home with this dude.
They see the thumbs up and countries quake. Dictators quake.
Did you see what happened to my Zoom? It gave us fireworks. We saw it.
We're acknowledging. We saw it.
What's the difference between a Canadian Jew and an American Jew? Howie Mandel and Alan Dershowitz. I don't know.
But you know what I'm saying? Is there a difference? Well, one is very smart, and I won't reveal which. You know what? I think there's a lot of differences in Jews now.
I don't, you know what? This is going to sound bad. I don't bat for anyone.
You know what? I think we're not a monolith like anyone else, like gay people, like any kind of people. We can all be different types of people.
You know, it's not like we're all the same. You know, I think I probably have, you know, the chips I have only grow.
I've noticed with age people like, oh, you get my chips get bigger. The crack, you know, I can barely walk with these chips.
OK, so the chip I have being a poor Jew in a rich community and then being asked to bat for the it's like, bro, you left us starving. Right.
You know, I don't really I think we've lost Yiddishkeit. We've lost our way.
There are conversations that we can't have publicly because they make us look bad or something. So then we don't have them even privately.
And it's like we're not adhering to Yiddishkeit. We could eradicate poverty within our own community like that.

We have almost no poor people, you know, compared to the amount of wealth we have.

And we don't even do that.

And then we're on our high horse.

That bothers me that we're not more self-critical because you think the Jews were always self-deprecating.

We're known for that. But when push comes to shove, we do have a problem sometimes with greed, with money, with materialism, and we've lost our way.
We're not we're not looking out for each other. I mean, I know people I know landlords who up there, you know, it's like, hey, bro, we're both Jewish.
Can you give me you own the building? You mind cutting me some slack? They don't. Right.
Jew to Jew doesn't help anymore.

It barely does.

It barely means anything.

You're in a room with another Jew.

It might not.

Jews stab each other.

Deals, showbiz.

I love that.

It's hard for me to wrap my head around what a Jew.

It's just like, hey, you're you.

I'm me.

And it's just it's hard for me to bat for a homogenous group of people. I'm very person to person and I will see.
But I know I know great Jews and I know some really shitty Jews. And I grew up with shitty people and I grew up with great people.
Yeah. So, you know, for me, Yiddishkeit, one of the biggest Jewish Yiddishkeit souls that I know of.
And I speak to her often. My friend Allie Quint, shout out to Allie, her mother, who I believe was a convert or didn't grow up religious and did kind of married into a more conservative family or whatever.
She was originally, I think, French Canadian, hot as can be. She was the hottest mom in the school.
Shout out to Tina. Like, she she's still gorgeous but she was the kind of girl who her whole goal was to marry a rich jew she would go she moved to montreal from a small quebec town with this this what i've heard with with with at 16 or 17 and was like only going to go to dentistry or doctor balls at mcgill nice schools.
And she met her father, who was a periodontist, very successful. And she always was done up.
She drove a little red car. You know, she was so hot picking us up from school like we'd hop in the back of the car and she knew I was really poor.
I went to school. I went on subsidy to the school and she was like the lead pack of the moms.
There was a bunch of like PTA moms at this private Jewish school that were, I mean, this was their life. We had something, I don't know if I'm going on and on and you can stop me, but we had something a couple times a year called pizza lunch.
Well, you would bring $2. Yes.
And you didn't, you know, they had pizza. You didn't have your own lunch.
You had pizza. And it normally went to breast cancer or something like that.
And all the PTA moms, these eight, like, jappy Jewish American princess, not Japanese people. We love you.
I love Japanese people. Love them.
I love the food. I'm interested in going to Japan.
The flight seems long, but I'm going to look into it. So these moms, you know, maybe there was 1500 kids in the school and that day everybody got pizza and every kid, but maybe 10 were, were, were rich, wealthy, you know, Jews who made it after the Holocaust and their kids are now born wealthy.
And I would ask my mother, I would like try and like I'd go to my mother like in the morning. I knew it was pizza lunch.
I'd be like, hey, ma, looking good. Anywhere I can get.
Couple of dollars. Couple of dollars.
Get out of my house. Nice doing business with you.
See you at four o'clock. No pizza for Robbie.
Yeah. So I would bring my lunch.
The way that I was looked at. So we would come, we would file down.
Everybody had to line up, go downstairs to the auditorium to collect your ticket and then go into the cafeteria and you get your pizza. I would shuffle with my my bag of lunch.
Tupperware of children. Not even Tupperware.
Plastic grocery bag. OK.
And I'm like, I would have to like go through the stations.

They had like tickets going.

It was like, you know, mayhem for them.

And I'm like, oh, I don't I don't have it.

You know, I don't have two dollars.

Have my own lunch.

You know, so I'm like filing through.

Allie's mom ran the dessert, the popsicle stand.

So you had six or seven moms lined up for the ticket exchange for the pizza.

But then when you got into the cafeteria, when you were done your pizza, you had another ticket for your popsicle. And she and I was like, oh, my God.
And she was my best friend. We sat together for lunch every day.
Just lovely. And her mother came and brought us popsicles.
And I'm like, oh, Tina, I don't have a ticket. You know, I'm not going to steal.
But Tina came through with Tina's like But Tina's like, don't worry about it. Kidding.
You know, and she would get me pizza. And I always felt bad about it.
Yes. But it's like, Tina is the only Yiddish kite in this fucking school looking back.
You got 1,500 kids with pizza. Seven don't.
Either pizza for everyone or pizza at all. What are we doing? Well, I don't want to.
This is not. You go, Josh.
I don't want to blast Ben, but Ben thinks that soup kitchens are silly because the homeless could serve themselves soup. Ben, do you want to expound? Okay.
You definitely took this in a weirder direction than I would have gone. But to respond to the soup kitchen call, I think that it's very self-righteous when people are in soup kitchens.
I think we should just give the people the food and not have the rich people feel really good about serving somebody soup. That's my call.
That's my call. That's my call.
Yeah. About the rich people serving soup.
But back to what you were saying, Robbie, because I think it's very important. First of all, you said it in the beginning.
This is not a Jewish problem. This is a human problem where we see people in need and we don't help them because we are Jewish.
And we should have started that this is a wonderful Hanukkah episode. And I love that we're talking about this during Hanukkah.
I love that we're talking about this, that because we are Jewish and because we have experienced some success, I think that we should always, I personally, I always try to help anybody that I can, but we have the power to help people. So I don't know what we're going to do on this podcast, but I do love the idea of there are certainly poor Jews.
We absolutely can help them and we should do something about it. And it's terrible.
And the thing is we do do a lot. We should be, if we want to be an example, be an example, do the most.
Yes, do the most. You know, I went to an amazing school on subsidy.
So I'm not taking that. There are things, privileges being born into a Jewish community that were afforded to me that I know many of my counterparts in other communities did not have access to.
So that means a lot to me. But we can we can do the most.
We really can do the most. And it doesn't have to be through a foundation.

We can have people, you know, something that I love to do now.

My mother, when we would, we were growing up,

she was always clutching her purse when we were running from the subway to home or whatever.

And one day she was just, you know, and she was, you know, we were always running and scuffling classic Jew.

And she gave like $5 to a nun or somebody, somebody from the Salvation Army, somebody. And I'm like, you gave a five.
I'm like, I thought we were tight. You're giving five.
I thought we were tight. And she's like, sometimes when you're feeling tight, it's just good to remind yourself you're in a position to give.
Yes. And so what I do and now I try to, especially on Fridays, and I'm reluctant with it, but I hear my mother, now that I'm feeling better, I'll like any homeless person, anybody who's with me, I'll give them, I try and give the smallest denomination in my wallet.
If I have cash, I get paid cash sometimes for stand-up, but sometimes this, you know, I have a hundred because I got a hundred the night before for my set or whatever, and I just give, you know, and I just, just, I don't want to lose a hundred. But I'm like, wow, I have 100 to give.
It is a reminder. Like, it's like, oh, it's so hard to put with 100 or 20 or whatever's in my wallet.
But I'm like, I have it to give. Now, do you wait? Sort of it's that sort of that's why it's like, yeah, I'm very conflicted because I think we've lost our way and we need our Moses could be me to bring us back.
So in the spirit of Hanukkah, I would love to find a way to do something because this is a very powerful conversation. I think we're Jews.
Let's not go. So let's give money.
No, no. So no.
So let's give money. So honestly, comment, really comment below on Josh's YouTube.
Literally five people that need one hundred dollars each because they can't afford a Hanukkah meal.

We can't trust these people.

No, no, no.

And don't even.

We can't.

I can trust them.

I can trust them.

We can literally do.

Anybody that tells me that they need $100 and is lying

is going straight to hell anyways.

We don't believe in that.

They need it.

The Jews don't believe in that.

Yes, yes, we do.

Yeah.

By the way, we don't really, we don't know. I think the Jews' best answer for everything is we don't know.
That's why we don't have such good numbers, because it's not like, are you going here? Listen, you know, Garden of Eden could be nice. We just don't know.
Either you're in God's good graces or you're in God's underbelly. And the underbelly is a version of hell, if you believe believe in.
So I do think that we could be, if we want to be an example, let's be an amazing example, but we've definitely, we have idolatry and materialism and I'm no, you know, I'm into that. I love materialism.
I love. You have a Porsche.
Yes. I have 2007 base model Porsche came in.
It needs a new water pump, a catalytic converter. You have a Porsche guy, you have a Porsche person.
No, I have 2007 base model Porsche Cayman. Fancy.
It needs a new water pump, a catalytic converter.

You have a Porsche guy?

You have a Porsche person?

No, I have multiple people.

You have multiple people?

You know what?

Having an old car, you have to enjoy a tinkering lifestyle.

I think I enjoy a little bit of a tinkering lifestyle.

Yes.

You have the alarms that come on on the dash.

Yeah, yeah.

There's always a light.

There's always a light with those cars. You're not getting a light-free car.
It's not going to be lightless. This is not a light free car.
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Head to MetroVac.com today and don't forget to use the code goodguys. Can we talk food? Are you a foodie? Yes.
No, I mean, in the way that I'm a human, I like food. Okay.
Can we talk like top three Hanukkah dishes? What are you eating? You know what? You guys are going to be like, she hates, I don't, Jewish food, not great. Because it sucks.
It's not, we don't, we're not known for our food. We are.
We're like the British. I think that Hanukkah dishes are better than most.
I think we make a delicious latke. I don't care for latkes.
Have you had latke with creme fraiche and caviar? I mean, maybe I'll try that. Are you inviting me? Is this an invite? I'll make it for you.
Yes, I will. Wow.
Okay, I gotta get to New York. I will make it in my kitchen.
A crispy latke, creme fraiche and cav York. What else is on a soup guignot? No, jelly.
Delicious. It's fine.
You don't like fried, huh? I don't love fried. You're not a fried.
What's your go-to? Look, I love Chinese food. Oh, I love Japanese.
It's fried. Great.
This is a food. You like Panda Express? I do.
Oh, so do I. That's delicious.
I love Japanese food. I love Indian food.
Oh, I like. You're speaking my language.
Ethiopian food. Have you? I love it with the hands.
You know, you understand why people went to war for spices with the Indian food, with the Indian or the Ethiopian. You're like, there's nothing but a lentil.
But like, what have they done to the lentil? It's a spice. I popped a turmeric right before I came.
It helps with my brain inflammation. See? Yeah, you do have a big head.
I do. He's worried about the fluoridated water.
This is his new thing. What is it? The fluoride in the water.
What's with fluoride? There's fluoride in the water. It's what keeps our teeth healthy.
It's been this incredible thing that's been the last 60 years. Says you! For overall all health.
Says you! And this guy is on his meshugana anti-fluoride kick in Robert Kennedy. Let me explain.
There is nothing more Jewish than questioning. There's nothing more Jewish than questioning.
I don't think it affected my brain. It could have affected my brain.
To take anything in this life as an absolute is completely un-Jewish and stupid. So all I want to know, all I want to say is we don't know fluoride for sure.

I don't know her.

I got fluoride plastered on my teeth.

There's fluoride in all of the water.

Could big papa government

have been looking out for us?

Sure.

Could they have been trying to kill us?

Possibly.

That's all I'm saying.

That's all I agree.

I'm with him on this.

I'm totally with you.

Josh, you don't want to question anything? If there's something to worry about, I'm worried about it. It's trendy.
Ben is on trend. I'm not on trend.
Because it's now in the news. This has been a thing that's been talked about for forever.
Nobody cares. It's one of the most common elements in nature.
And it's the reason why people have healthier oral health. I will go on the record to say there is much too much fluoride in our water.
I'm convinced. Thank you, Robbie.
I am convinced. It's nuts.
I am convinced. Do you deserve each other? I am totally convinced.
I just love that this is a guy with respect who you have benefited from like big pharma for being overweight your whole life. Pharma came in and helped you tremendously.
But it's like you cherry pick. We don't know.
You cherry pick your science. I cherry pick everything in life.
Just like Robbie cherry picks the way she's Jewish. I cherry pick the way that I'm Jewish.
We're all cherry picking. i cherry pick everything it's not like that it's the equivalent to josh so we could learn about cherry picking how do we not cherry listen it's nuts it's a lesson okay i have a question you're going cherry so we knew how to cherry pick you're going to a restaurant josh and you're ordering everything on the menu you're not picking what you want josh tell me give it to us straight yes you're ordering everything everything on the menu.
You're not picking what you want. Josh, give it to us straight.
Yes. You're ordering everything? Everything on the menu? Do I trust the chef? You're making that kind of money? Do I trust the chef? You're not missing one item.
You're doing omakase? What are you doing? There's not one item you don't want. Is this omakase? Is it omakase? It could be.
You know, omakase is great because you think you're eating one piece by one piece. You're going, I'll never get full.
Boy, are you full. It sneaks up on you.
Stuffed. Stuffed.
Stuffed. You know, it reminds me in university, we had frosh and they gave us a little shot glass, like a little beer.
It looked like a beer mug. It was this big.
Cute. I love miniatures.
Yeah. And then you wore it on a necklace.
And every time they called something, you had a little shot of beer. And I'm like, we're never going to get loaded.
You know, when you're 19, you just want to get... Like a beer flight.
But it was like a shot of beer a minute for an hour, all vomiting. Wow.
Never been so drunk in my life. And it was just little schtickle, schtickle, schtickle.
And then before you know it, awful.

Wow. That's what omakasi is

for me. It's the same experience.

You have a piece of rice, a piece of rice, a piece of rice,

a piece of rice. Before you know it, you're wrong.
Until you're

stuffed. What's it like having

Hanukkah with nine siblings?

Hanukkah was pretty traumatic

for me. I'll say because

my birthday is Hanukkah.

My birthday always fell on one of the days of Hanukkah or around Hanukkah, December birthday. And my mother would give me $20 for both my birthday and Hanukkah.
But it's like, I was like, she's like, it's double because, you know, it's your birthday. But I'm like, but then it should be $40 because everybody gets $20.
Of course.

So do you know what double meant? Like, I'm like, wait, all of your siblings got 20 and you got 20 for Hanukkah and your birthday. Well, she goes, well, this is for Hanukkah and your birthday.

And I'm like, but they're all getting 20 for Hanukkah. Not fair.
This is like not how double

works. This is half.
It's crazy. Yes.
I'm like teaching basic. Well, that's double and the

birthday card, you know. So and she would maybe get us for a family.
So I'm like teaching basic. Well, that's trouble.
And the birthday card, you know.

So and she would maybe get us for a family.

So everybody got like $20.

And for family, she would get us like a new board game where you'd get risk or you'd get Monopoly.

But the risk, my brother Levy would make you play till like four in the morning till he

owns the thing.

And it's like, let us go to bed.

We don't want to. And my mother would come in the kitchen like late night.
And, you know, you have off school and she's like, oh, good. The kids are playing.
And we're like, ma, please, please let him have Russia. He can take whatever he wants.
We don't even really know how to play the game. I remember being like, OK, I guess I lost eight horse.
Like, he would move the pieces, and then before you know it,

you know, you're stuck in, like, Kazakhstan with one guy,

and I'm like, I don't even want Kazakhstan.

That is my wife.

My wife cheats at every board game.

It's insane.

She's never lost.

You know what her favorite TV show is?

Jeopardy.

You know, every single night we watch Jeopardy,

she gets at least 35 rights.

Wow. She's a genius.
You know how many I get right? It's very hard, Jeopardy. I know, but this guy's talking about fluoride.
He gets six right on Jeopardy and we got to listen to him. Josh is very, very worried that pharma is going to collapse.
You need the scene from White Man Can't Jump where she happened to know foods that begin with the letter Q.

If you get onto Jeopardy

and they have a fluoride category,

you're going to fucking sweep

and I can't wait to see it.

I'm going to sweep.

But he doesn't know anything about it.

You go right there for 200, please,

for 400, for 600.

He just saw a tweet.

Fucking double on fluoride.

We're having a neurologist come in

to explain his memory loss.

Here's what I know, Josh. All I know is that it's good to question.
Good to question. Good.
I've always said that. He's questioning fluoride.
You know, there's nothing I don't believe. I question everything.
I question everything and I believe everything and it's, you know, it's kind of like it's as crazy that we're here living on the planet that we're not plugged into the wall. I don't have battery that there would be an afterlife of any kind.
There's nothing I don't believe, you know, and I question all of it because I don't know anything. But the only thing I do know is that there's too much fluoride in the water.
I'll say that. That is the first.
Amen. That's the reason why we have oral health to begin with.
When are you going to go to Britain and take a good look at those teeth? Amen. By the way, you have beautiful teeth.
Because of the fluoride. He had fluoride sealing as a child.
He was almost going to be a dentist. He went to the yeshiva.
I want you to know that you have beautiful teeth, Robbie. You know what? I really don't, but I appreciate that.
Your teeth are ugly. You have terrible teeth.
My teeth are excellent. My teeth are excellent.
I just have an underbite that gives me a bit of a lisp. You have wonderful teeth.
God bless you, Robbie Hoffman. I wish I could give you both a big holiday hug.
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Yes. Can you give us a couple fun Yiddish words

and see if we know the words?

That's too gay.

See, I don't like the gayification

and the cutesiness that's happened.

But I learned from you.

That's happened.

I learned chas v'shalem.

I don't care.

It's wonderful words.

So then chas v'shalem,

I should play such a game.

It's so fun.

No, I don't want to be cutesy.

I did bring kippahs and a menorah for the end. Is that OK? I'm looking at you for help.
I'm like, we're OK, we'll play a different game. No, we're playing a different game.
Is it? You are. It's really on trend.
Is it? No, we're converting people left and right. I'm sure of it.
We are. We're going to think of a different game.
Um... No, we can do the menorah.
That's good, because I may not light. I don't always have a chance to light.
I do love to light. We're not allowed to light anything in here, but we'll do it in earnest.
No, we're going to break the rule and we're going to do it. I didn't bring a match.
We're going to find something. We're going to find an open frame? Olivia.
That's it. Stop it, Olivia.
You do? You think you're going to listen to the world in the ghettos?

They weren't allowed to like the menorah.

You think they said we're not allowed to like the menorah in the ghetto? They fucking did it.

They could have. They broke the law for God.

Oh, you know what they were doing in Burkow?

Yes, they

They sang their songs.

You know what they were doing

in Warsaw? Dear media says we can't light a match in the big office building. I don't give a fuck.
Get the menorah up. And we are going to do it now.
Yes. Okay, we'll do it now.
By the way, I hope Dear Media said we can't light a menorah because then we can sue him for money. Okay.
Get the menorah up. I bought this in Canada, in British Columbia.
It's beautiful, actually. Thank you.
This is quite nice. God bless you.
And in case you're not watching on YouTube, you should be lighting a beautiful menorah. I brought a kippah.
I thought we could wear kippahs, no? I think it's right to left. It's right to left.
Yeah. Wonderful.
Like we read Hebrew. Okay.
Olivia, do you want to wear a kippah? I would love to wear kippah that. No, what is this? What are we wearing? Reconstructionists? What are we doing here? This is great.
We're doing what Josh wants to do. We're changing the whole religion.
We're all our own type of Jew. Come on, Robbie.
This is fun. Robbie, we're all our own type of Jew.
Josh believes women wear kippahs. Okay, what is the...
Okay, let's go. We'll do Shecheyanu because we haven't met before in person.
Souch atadonai eloheinu melakala but what was the first prayer why did you do do is

is And this is the last one to questioning everything. This is the pro tip.
This is unreal. This is fabulous.
Well done. Yeah, you stick it in there, okay? And you know what? Dear media, we lit a menorah.
We made history here. Yeah, we did.
You hear that, the boss sticks? We did. If Hitler could see us now, thank God.
Yes. Thank God.
Do you know, Robbie, who invented Fanta? Is it a Jew? No, it was Nazi Germany. Okay, sure.
They couldn't import Coca-Cola, so they made Fanta with the Jews. I like Fanta, and I like everything the Nazis made.
By the way, they made great stuff. They made great stuff.
They were very smart people. Hugo Boss.
Listen, I happen to be a German Jew, last name Hoffman. So I like the Germans.
You know, the Germans are, they happen to be a very capable people.

I think that is not disputed.

Yes, they were very efficient.

Hashem threw my yama car for that.

How good, I mean, come on, could this be any more Jewish?

You've got to give credit to the Germans.

Of course we do.

Unbelievable cars.

They did a good holocaust, too.

It was very neat. They're great at organizing.
They can organize. They're very good at organizing, and they make amazing clothing.
Their uniforms are hot. Hugo Boss.
Yes. I mean, you see the Nazis now in their khakis and their polos, these incels.
Terrible. Terrible.
Nazis were the most fuckable dudes. Yes.
They're like, you know what I mean? This was a classy affair. They're buttoned up.
They got the tie clip pocket square. Let's go kill fucking Jews.
Now they're so ugly. These neo-Nazis are so ugly.
Hitler would be so good to be a Nazi and Karl Marx. They're like, get out of here.
You call yourself a Nazi? The Nazis would roll over if they saw what was marching in Charlottesville. They would.
Ugly. Yuck.
No good. Should we do our Woody and Uts moment of the week? I think we should.
I think there's one. So we have before our final segment, we do something called a speak pipe where people call in and ask us for advice.
They want us to teach them, to help them. So we have one here and it is from someone wonderful and their name is Kara.
Hi, Josh and Ben. I have a question for you.
I've been married to my husband for about five years and I am struggling to figure out how to deal with this situation. His mother is an amputee.
She lost her leg in a car accident in college. Luckily, she has lived a relatively normal and healthy life since then.
She had two boys. Everything has been as healthy as it can be, but they all make fun of her.
They do it in a joking way, and she laughs back, but they joke that, like, at physical therapy, she should only be charged half price when she gets a pedicure if she gets a pedicure they should only charge half price you should get pants half price there's a story about her falling into the ocean one time and that's hilarious they keep laughing about it some kid on the beach stole her leg one time all of these things they seem funny but then in reality they're not and don't know what to do. How would you handle this? Laugh along or say something? Thanks.
Nothing. Again, again, nothing.
Why do you have nothing to do with you? Nothing. She can say, are you taking away her agency? Do you think she's not capable of saying she's been through so much? She lost a leg.
She had two boys on one leg. Believe me, she's stronger than you think.

OK, and laughing is a coping.

And if she's fine with it, then why aren't you?

Don't meddle.

Well, you don't have to because one day you're going to have to.

And you want to save your medal.

I save a medal.

And please stop fighting other people's battles.

OK, that's it.

Please, please stop it.

And it is funny.

I totally agree with you.

And it's probably funny for her. Otherwise, she what is she supposed to do? Cry? No, it's funny.
It's funny. You know what? My mother I just talked about.
My mother was overweight my whole life and she always just laughed at fat people. And I didn't understand why I said, but ma, you're fat.
She likes to laugh at fat people. Good for her.
It made her feel better. She was so judged in society.
In every store she went into, she was kind of ignored. And we had to see that.
And so when she could laugh at somebody like her, when she could be self-deprecating, it helped her, I think, in a way. My mother growing up, my mother was a bigger person.
And she always, when she would talk about something, she'd be like, sing doris she put on 20 pounds horrible i'm like you think anyone's saying that about you ma yeah no it's like me it's like people accuse me of being homophobic you better believe it you think i like me what's wrong with you right no it's embarrassing what are we doing i have to I cut my's off it's insane sure it's not a normal experience so yeah i like to see other top surgeries with bad results i go look at that results this is a coping mechanism it's a self-deprecation that that we should embrace you know unless she has said something unless she has said something by the way i need to look into this. I might need a little bit of a top surgery.
Yeah. And I need, I want, you know, I went to the best, you know, there's certain things.
I spent $8,000 on my surgery. I believe it's 12,000 now.
There's certain things people, yeah. People tell me, Oh, you're going to, you can get top surgery in Minnesota for 2,600.
I go, there's certain things you do not buy on sale. Surgery and a parachute you do not buy on sale.
Yeah, don't black Friday and a parachute. Okay, if the parachute is half off, you got a question.
How is it missing a string? You don't want a parachute on sale. Yes.
Okay, there's certain things you want the best price, you want the most expensive of. Okay, good, I spared yeah good because normalized top surgery for dudes i went i saw a guy at the gym who had it beautiful he got it in mexico oh he did he did it good it looked i mean this looked like a proper peck you know no you have pecks under the fat if you have fat you know tits are just memory memory glands and fat.
You know, they're just that's what that's what their purpose is. You know, I think it's so the baby has like a fun time squishing.
No, they're awesome. I don't know.
They're awesome. But under that, I have pecs.
Right. Women all you have pectoral muscles that connect your shoulders.
You know, it really is fat grows over that. So if you have pecs under now, some people are deflated because they don't have the pec under or they have.
Everybody has pecs, but they're not as defined as you might like. But then you could work on that.
Great. No, I can bench press.
I'm in. OK, good.
That's it. Something to look forward to.
Something to look forward to. Good.
Good. But to that speak, Piper, to wrap it up, keep your keeper.
Mind your business. Mind your business.
Mind your business. Oh, this is nice.
The ambiance. It's a gorgeous menorah.
Lead us into our What Are You Nuts moment. So What Are You Nuts is our gripe with people, places and things.
You should be very good at this. You're walking down the street as you are and looking at people and you're like, what are you fucking nuts? Like, what are you doing? I was recently in the airport, ran off the plane, went to the bathroom.
I'm in the urinal. It's a packed urinal.
All of a sudden, I see the person next to me, peek his head up and tuck it over the side, looking straight down at my cock. Had literally, no, he didn't care whatsoever.
Peeked right in. And that to me is, what are you nuts? Keep your eyes off of my penis when I'm at the urinal.
Something drew him there. Maybe.
By the way, by the way, maybe you're looking at it half empty when it's half full. You think? Oh, yeah.
Big time. Okay.
All right. Okay.
You thank you. I wish you could find this man and thank him for such a compliment.
Something caught his eye. Probably was your penis.
And he was impressed. Fine.
But how do we know he was impressed? He peaked. Maybe he was upset.
You think he was upset? No, I think he was impressed. Now, listen, we don't know which way.
That is the truth. Was he looking at it in the way we look at a crash? I don't know.
Oh, was he looking at it in a way we look at a crash i don't know yes oh was he looking at it in a way like oh okay good for him well well he's still nuts but i see your point yeah love it my what are you nuts moment of the week are doctors who take vacations this is this is nuts this is unacceptable you're a doctor it's like come on it's you gotta be on call always Pager, pager. This is unacceptable.
You're a doctor. It's like, come on.

You got to be on call.

Always.

Pager, pager.

My sister-in-law, God bless, Baruch Hashem is giving birth today or tomorrow.

Oh, my God.

Wonderful.

Let me tell you.

And now she, amongst other wonderful women in my life, are dealing with this.

Their planned birth happens to be when their doctor's going to club med. They're going to the ambulance.
I mean, she's giving birth. They need a doctor.
What's going on? These doctors. This is crazy.
They either bring in another doctor or they induce early. It's actually incredibly fucked up.
My sister, the same thing happened to her when she was born, delivered a week early. They induced my mom.
Fun fact. What are you, nuts? Fucked up.
What, they're playing God all of a sudden? Nine months of trust, and then you gotta go, well, where are you going? Santa Barbara? No, no, no. They need a doctor.
The doctor's gotta come back. Anything can happen with the umbilical cord, with her blood pressure.
Yes. I mean, there's many things.
It's very fickle. Preclampsia.
Preclampsia. It's very fickle.
Yes. No good.
And it's two lives all of a sudden. By the way, can we just touch? Never mind when the baby comes out.
Maybe he needs something. I've had two children myself.
It's an unbelievable symphony that happens in that delivery room. Oh, forget it.
It's wonderful. By the way, can we just touch on for 30 seconds? Because I think you're like me, Robbie.
How much better Los Angeles is than New York? They're both dumps. One's a shithole, one's a dump.
All right, fair enough. Here's the thing.
The whole thing is awful. Okay, New York is good if you're really rich.
Yes. You know, and it's good to go back and forth.
I love living in L.A. I'm also the kind of person that I like to drive.
I didn't drive growing up. I love to drive now.
It gives me keeps me a connection with my father. I have no relationship with my father.
He's still Cassidic, but he loved Porsche and he loved it. That's why I have an old..
I don't really even know about really other cars, but I always had an estranger, my father, but I, but I always felt like him. He was the few times that I met him and he was so funny and, and charismatic and very much like me.
Many of the ways that I am now is because of him. And I realized I could still have a relationship with him by the ways that I am like him.
I have a very strong relationship with him because I get to enjoy the ways that I'm like him and I feel it, our relationship living on in me. And that's why something, every time I get in my Porsche, I see him in my, it's just nice.
It's just, it's a way to have a relationship within me. So that's, you know, so I don't know if that, you know, so, so that's why I like LA.
My father's from Sandy. And there's a way that part of me is more connected with him.
And I have kind of a more robust relationship with him in the ways that I am like him and get to enjoy those moments. But New York is it's the greatest city in the world.
So, you know, as far as cities go, that's a city. Do not bring me.
People are bringing me. I don't know what kind of cities people are naming.
You know, like it's OK. Robbie, you're going to come to New York.
I'm going to make you latkes. We're going to rent a Porsche and we're going to drive around eating our latkes in the Porsche.
I can't wait. I can't wait.
Yeah. Beautiful.
Do you have a what are you nuts moment? Do I have a what are you nuts moment? Well, you guys got to prep yours and everything.

So this week, what happened to me this week?

Let me just look at my cow because then I'll know.

Because believe me, I have at least 10 of these a day.

But it's hard to remember when you have so many.

Okay.

Oh, well.

Well, my what are your nuts is about this morning.

How do you have somebody on a podcast?

And you don't send a reminder come a day or two before. You didn't? I didn't realize.
I thought we sent you a cow. A cow? Where do these cows go? An email.
Not the cow. God bless you that you're here.
You're so professional. Thank Okay.
It's amazing because I go, it's just on. I go, is this thing on? I have to find him.
I'm finding him. I'm going through my DMs.
Do I have an email? If you are booking anything three weeks ago, week of, send a follow-up. So right.
So true. Just a reminder, you're in this week.
We cannot wait. Is there anything

you'd like to drink? I've thought about it a lot.

I've been thinking about it all.

That's why I want you nuts.

You're right. Just so you know,

Robbie, Josh has been talking non-stop

about this episode, too.

I hope it has lived up.

I hope it has lived up.

Beyond. Okay, we should we should.

Yeah, we should look into and continue to fight to reduce fluoride in the water.

I really believe strongly about this.

Yes, it's really wonderful.

Everybody, just my one Hanukkah message.

Everybody, don't ever let anybody tell you that you're not Jewish enough.

OK, Robbie said it first. I said it as well.

I think picking and choosing is fantastic across any religion.

That's all. And you should be who you are and you should help the poor people.
But let people tell you you're too Jewish. There's such a thing.
Calm down. Sure.
Calm down. Yes.
Calm down. It's a little over the top.
Let's relax. It's not.
Excellent. Let's relax.
The timing isn't great. Let's relax.
Happy Hanukkah to everyone. Wishing everybody just abundance and safety and fulfillment.

You don't want to do the Yiddish game?

What's the Yiddish game?

Be done, be done, Ben.

Let's be done.

Should we sing a song?

Ay Hanukkah, ay Hanukkah, a yon te vashayna.

Lustaka, freilach en atag chazayna.

Alla nachmundredel spielin.