Khakis, Granola & Other Poor Choices

The following podcast is a Dear Media production.

the good guys.

Whoa.

Mozlemorons, welcome back to the Good Guys podcast.

Ben, how are you?

I'm wonderful.

Can you tell that I'm wearing Claudia's sweatshirt?

How are you?

That's Claude's sweatshirt, huh?

It is.

It is.

It is.

This is a women's sweatshirt.

What's it say on it?

It says, Los Angeles, established 2002, Rag and Bone.

Okay, I knew that it had to be some high-end couture because, at first, from this far away, it looks like she bought it at Venice Beach.

Yeah, this is, this is, Josh, this is short on the sleeves.

This is short on the waist, short over here.

Can you see how it comes up to here?

It's short, too short.

But I woke up this morning, Josh, and I don't know if the same thing happened in Los Angeles.

New York decided it's not summer anymore.

Yeah.

It's fall.

And

it's cold.

significantly colder.

We've been cruising mid-80s, mid-90s.

This morning it was like 64, which when you're accustomed to 80s, 90s, even for me, that's chilly.

So I threw, I think this is the first time I've ever worn a sweatshirt on the podcast, except for, of course, last episode.

But this is the first time.

Do you, are there any ladies' clothes that you enjoy wearing?

Underwear.

So say more.

Bras.

No, what ladies' clothes do I enjoy wearing?

I exclusively wear my wife's socks.

They fit you.

No,

no, they don't.

They don't.

But we, we've, at this point, I probably have

two, three pairs of socks.

I don't know where my socks go.

Okay.

I buy a 12 pack.

I'm down to one.

Yeah.

I buy a 12 pack.

I'm down to one.

Somehow, she always has socks and she wears those like mid-angle socks.

I'm wearing her socks right now.

I guess they'd be higher up on her thigh, but for me, they just end up being short on the ankle.

These are her, these are her socks.

They look pretty good, right?

Hang on, this stupid cord.

They look pretty good.

They look good.

They look like you're about to teach an aerobics class in 1987.

That's me, Aerobics Joe.

Did you know that for most of the time that Richard Simmons was alive until he walked away and said no more, that he had a fitness studio in Beverly Hills called Slimmons, and you could go and do a group aerobics class with with him every day at noon.

Slimmins?

Slimmins, son.

God,

what I would do, what I would do for a Slimmins.

Fuck.

Now we can't even talk about people being skinny.

Everybody's on a Zempic.

We can't even talk about people being skinny.

We can't.

I want something called Slimmons.

How sick would it be if you and I had a good guy's studio right in the heart of New York City where you could just come in, listen to 90s hip-hop with a side of meatloaf, the singer, not the food, you fatties.

Boom.

And you come in and and you come dance.

Just dance party for an hour.

We still need to launch my dinner party series called Meatloaf, where you only listen to meatloaf and you only eat meatloaf.

Okay?

I think this should be a big hit.

A big hit.

Before I, this is a good transition, but I don't want to get away from ladies' clothes yet because I've done some pretty hilarious social media videos while wearing a woman's thong.

And it is...

How do I say this?

It doesn't ignite anything in me that wants to cross-dress, but it was the moment that I put the thong on, I could appreciate feeling beautiful.

Does that make sense?

It does.

Was it very uncomfortable, though?

No, surprisingly not.

So you don't feel that string just up your ass?

No, it was kind of just like, I mean, granted, I didn't get like straight Fatiana line.

Like I got, I just found an extra large thong at Target.

I didn't want to do it to Paige.

I think Paige was more upset that I was seen at Target buying a woman's thong than just taking one.

Oh my God.

Oh my God.

I would be too.

And an XL.

I picked up a thong in Case of Spritz Society.

It's available at Target.

Oh, man.

I've dressed like a woman before.

Halloweens, mostly, when I dressed up like Ina Garton

for a video.

I'm not going to lie, Josh.

I thrive in oversized women's clothing.

How easy is that?

Well, Ina is the goal, right?

Because she's basically wearing tarps.

She is.

She is.

These are huge blue oversized

button-downs that are worn open.

It looks like her hair is termites.

Oh my God.

They're just fumigating.

They're fumigating under the shirt.

That's funny.

I mean, shout out Ida.

And we could say that because she is the richest, most wonderful person there is.

She's one at life.

She's my absolute favorite.

It doesn't mean that she doesn't wear oversized clothes.

Two things can be true.

She can be the best and she can wear oversized clothes.

I could benefit from wearing oversized clothes.

Far too often am I wearing something that is just a little bit too tight, Josh?

Just a little too tight.

You know, I am close with two hairdressers who have both worked on two of the most famous Bobs in all of history.

My one friend, Sharon, dear family friend, true Israeli kid, but like, you know, the greatest, has lived in LA for 30 years and basically still has the thickest accent you've ever heard.

Okay.

And he goes, one day he says to me he goes, you know this woman, Ainagarten?

I go, do I know Ainagarten?

Sharon, what are you talking about?

He goes, You're not going to believe for years this woman, she called me.

I come to her hotel every morning i give her hair blowout she reads book very pleasant but reads book while i do it and she pays me nicely i do it for entire time she's here three times a year i go you've been doing ina's blowout in her hotel room for wow for like a decade okay wow wow

And then my friend has done Anna Winter, not Sherone, another friend has done Anna Winters blowout whenever she is in LA and she gets a blowout every single morning while she's here, probably every day of her life.

And she said that she tips her with a crisp $50 bill every time.

So, Josh,

how do you have such a network of hairstylists that you call friends?

Where did you meet them?

Were they, would you meet them on set?

Did you just keep in touch with them?

Do you get blowouts?

No, I mean, they do men's cuts too.

Got it.

Yeah.

Got it.

They also do men's cuts.

Okay.

Wow.

I mean, a nice crisp 50.

I'm not going to lie.

Anna, you can do 100.

Okay.

Well, she's paying her too.

I know.

She can do 100.

If she's doing cash, she's got to do the largest bill.

But there's something.

But a 50 is not highly circulated, you know?

That's true.

It is almost, almost like a two.

It's not a two, but it's almost like a two.

Right.

Where you might appreciate the two as much as you'd appreciate the five.

Maybe that's what she's thinking.

That by giving you the crisp 50, if it's truly crisp,

it feels similar to 100.

I feel that.

I hear that.

I do.

Could you imagine if you tipped in a small sack of John F.

Kennedy half dollars?

But there's a lot, right?

So you're not cheaping out, but it's like you're handing someone a little like

pouch of magical beans.

You know, I want, I want to start carrying around gold.

We should start tipping in.

Titan.

In gold.

I'm in.

I'm in.

I forget what state.

They just legalized gold as like you can use it anywhere.

And all the comments were like, okay, so I'm going to go into shoprite and give them a gold coin.

How are they going to know how much it's worth?

If it's real, how are they going to give me back my money?

I feel like it was Florida.

It makes sense that it was Florida.

But gold was legalized as legal tender or something.

And it's like, I'm in.

If I can just have like a little bean, like a sack of beans, and each bean is like, I don't know, 200 bucks in gold, I'm in, right?

That sounds fun.

Easily, it's something I could easily lose.

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So be honest, because I'm sure you're excited to get home and...

back to your beloved city and just being in your own home with the beautiful Ruby and Claudia.

But is there a little part of you that's a little anticipatory or nervous?

Because you've had the baby in the perfect suburban setting, right?

Which is indicative and conducive to having a kid just because there's plenty of room with the car and the loading with the car seat and easy parking for all your stores and stuff.

Are you a little nervous about, you know,

reconfiguring back in the city?

Yeah, I would, for those of you that don't know, I've been sharing a house with my wife, her sister, and their kids.

And And

we're in a house in the Hamptons, very suburban.

Ruby goes out every day on walks.

He gets straight in the car in his Duna.

We go to restaurants, we go to the beach.

I would say that I have

about as conducive a setup in New York as one can have.

My garage is right across the street, so I can pull the car around.

He can get in the Duna.

and we can go somewhere.

I am nervous about the city walks because even though we heavily debate this, I do feel that the city is significantly less safe than it's been.

And walking around with a three-month-old is significantly less enjoyable than it is walking around outdoors in the Hamptons, you know, or really in any suburban town.

I think we're just going to have to do a lot of Central Park.

I love Central Park in the fall.

It's probably my favorite time of year when the temperature is 60 degrees, you're wearing maybe a sweater.

Like, I'm excited for that.

It's more more work for sure.

The pros, though, outweigh the cons.

Like, to get back to what we call our bubble, like the three of us, I'm very excited.

I think it will be great.

And yeah, but, but, yeah, there, it'll be an adjustment.

There will be an adjustment.

Whenever I'm in a house, I always think I'd thrive in a house.

I love a house.

Yeah.

Like, like, there's so much space.

Yeah.

Let me, okay.

So let me pitch.

The problem is, is once Ruby has school, it's going to be a different story.

But let me pitch this because I think it might be the perfect living schedule for the Safarashri clan.

Tell me.

So

you're in New York, April 1st

to June 1st.

Perfect.

You get to enjoy that beautiful spring weather right before it turns, right before, right before.

Maybe April 15th to June 15th.

Then time for the Hamptons.

Let's go spend $2,000 at Surf Lodge.

Hamptons, Hamptons, Hamptons.

Finance Bro, douchebags and shorts.

Okay, so you go to the Hamptons now, right?

And you're there, June 15th to August 15th, right?

Beautiful.

Then you go back to the city.

You go back.

Now it's fall.

You're in Central Park.

You're with the beautiful Ruving.

It's a bomby 55-degree day.

Sarah Jessica Parker's walking around, masquerading like she's actually in love with Matthew Broderick, even though we know that can't be.

Okay, it's beautiful, right?

It can't be true.

It can't be true.

No, no.

And so you're back in the city.

It's fall.

You're having the best time.

But then, and you know that day, and it's either a week before Halloween or a week after.

Yes.

One strong gust of wind comes and you go, I can't live here anymore.

Yes.

And then November 15th.

Yeah.

We say it on three.

One, two, three, Florida.

Florida.

That's it.

Yes.

November 15th to March 15th, you're in South Florida.

Have I just cracked the code?

Yes,

this is the, that would be the ultimate luxury.

If that could happen, the ultimate luxury.

Well, it does.

Absolutely.

And not just because you and your wife do well, which is amazing, but like it's within,

it's certainly within reason.

It's about, it's a cup of cups.

It's not a crazy luxury.

No, it's 1,000% within reason.

I didn't mean luxury from a price perspective.

I meant just like to have the perfect life with perfect weather.

Like that is, it's, I meant more that it's like a luxury to do that.

And yeah, it makes a lot of sense.

The only thing that you run into is school.

So it's perfect until he goes to school.

And then.

But you're good.

You're good till school, right?

Because he can go to preschool in Florida for half the preschool don't matter.

He won't.

It doesn't matter.

Good for five years.

You've cracked the code for five years.

You've cracked the code for five years, which honestly sounds great.

I'm in.

I already go to Florida, like December, January, anyways.

It's a move.

This is the move, Josh.

You want to come with me?

Practiced.

You come to Florida, November to March.

We'll be by Ghost.

So I don't know.

You know, I always think about this.

And granted, this is like the most privileged conversation one could have, but I think about like what if you had like a boatload of money, what like the real hack of life is.

And here's what I think.

Burt Kreischer has this.

He has a beautiful house in the valley where he raises kids in like a perfect area lovely but it's the valley right I grew up in the valley it's just like proper suburbia close to work close to everything

and he has a gorgeous beach house but in LA you can have a beach house an hour away right like I think the key like Paige and I talk about we live by the beach and we love it and we have like a smaller house and no land because it's just that's what you get by the beach but we talk about like, what if one hour away we had the polar opposite, which was something a little bit more in the country, a little bit more removed, but an hour away, you're going to use it.

Whereas if it's two hours away or in another state, then it's a whole thing.

I, I, I love that.

What you're describing is what, yeah, that's what New Yorkers do with like Atlantic Beach.

Atlantic Beach is our version of that.

It's not the nicest beach.

The difference with you guys is you have beautiful, perfect beaches that are an hour away, right?

So I don't know why you don't do that.

But New Yorkers will have an apartment in the city.

And then if they're able, like a house in Atlantic Beach, 40 minutes, 45 minutes, not the best beach, but it's still a beach.

And this affords you both lives.

I think for you, if you moved.

I love that for you.

I love that for you.

Would you still have something on the beach or you just travel to the beach?

But you love walking by the beach.

It's also so gorgeous where you live.

Like the temperature is so perfect because you're there.

You might get hot if you're inland, but couldn't you live like near a lake?

It's no, it's perfect.

Like, no, we will, we'll never get rid of the house that we have now.

And my son goes to school.

Like, we're very rooted there, but I think if we had the ability in which, because that's what's great about LA, right?

Like, you could live in West Hollywood and an hour away is Malibu or Hidden Hills, Calabasas, Westlake, like or if you're more south, you have like Palace Verdes and all these places that you could have.

And by the way, in most of these places, like the houses are cheaper and you can get more land, even though they sound very rich and fabulous, they're actually more reasonable.

Way cheaper.

It's it's not exactly like this, but like you go to upstate New York, it's beautiful, and you can get a fucking mansion.

Like literally, like the chat, like

two million bucks in New York gets you dog shit.

A one bedroom plus a den.

Literally nothing.

You put that $2 million

an hour north.

Chappaqua.

You can go to Starbucks with the Clintons.

6,500 square feet, a pool.

Like,

it's crazy.

And you can breathe and you're not paying city tax.

What are we doing?

Okay, can I ask you this?

And because I think we'll have the perfect take on this.

And I don't think I have this about our good old friend Donnie T.

You know, there's a little part of him that I just love, love, love, love, love.

But I didn't vote for the guy, not a big fan.

But

I think as much as there is Trump derangement syndrome on the left, and there is, I am not defending that.

I've seen some people that are absolutely cuckoo about that.

I think there is some real Hillary derangement syndrome on the right.

And I'm looking.

And I just can't, she just seems awesome.

And I just can't, the amount of hate i've never seen this she's also just like not like she's not relevant anymore so give it a rest right

i agree with you i totally agree with you it's the same thing on both sides a thousand percent we love that it's also i would say it's kamala derangement syndrome but her with this book can you stop it with this book tell me just because i

She's writing a book, 107 Days.

Maybe it's just because I follow her on Instagram.

All I see, book, book, book, book, book, book, book.

We get it.

You're trying to make your, whatever, you're trying to earn out of whatever monster Simon Schuster gave you.

We get it.

We get it.

But

like, she's also out of it.

I don't want to hear about you anymore.

It's done.

You're done.

It was even that thing with California.

Didn't she come out and say, I'm not running for governor of California?

And everybody was like, when were you?

Like, I didn't hear that you were.

You just told me you weren't.

Did you hear that too?

I did.

Yeah.

Well, and she also just said politics in general general are broken, which she might have a point.

But yeah, there's no move for her to keep.

She did her thing.

Like, I actually think if she is able to write off into the sunset and do something like kind of cool, but away from politics, it will serve her much better.

I completely agree.

I completely agree.

Yeah, the book is a good final chapter.

Can we talk at all about Spencer Pratt or do you not want to?

Sure.

I don't know anything.

So tell me.

Oh my God.

Spencer Pratt has turned his entire Instagram, Josh, into an anti-Karen Bass, anti-Gavin Newsom, pointing out like that, like she fired the people who were supposed to clear the brush.

He's like talking to like the CIA.

He's made it his life mission to take these people down.

I'm shocked that you haven't seen this.

It's, it's his new Heidi Montag.

Remember when he was like, I'm going to make my wife the most famous pop singer in the world.

That was his thing.

This is now his thing.

Are you looking at his Instagram account?

You should.

Yeah, I'm trying to look at that.

And I'm also trying to look at all these Gavin Newsome tweets that he's been doing in The Voice of Trump, which have been pretty good.

I haven't seen them.

Okay, I'm going to, I'm going to try to find them.

But I, um, yeah, you know what?

I'll tell you this, and I don't think I'm,

this is a completely honest story, and I don't think I'm speaking out of school here if I share what he said.

So I ran into him and his wife.

They were taking their kids as I was taking my kids to Monster James Jam.

Brandon's a Spencer.

Spencer and Heidi at at Monster Jam at SoFi.

Fucking rad, bro.

Sick.

Sick.

Out there in the gravedigger doing wheelies.

Sick.

And so we're there with our kids and we see each other.

And I had posted dancing to Heidi's song and support and whatnot.

So I don't know if we had ever met, but maybe he was aware of me.

He reposted.

So I see him and I like walk up and I was a little bit like,

I think just tone deaf or enough time had passed where we're chatting for a minute and I go dude congratulations on what you've done like just like turning this you know incredibly difficult thing into like a real win for him and his family in the sense of relevancy and I'm sure like you know deals and all these things and he goes yeah bro but I still don't have a house And my parents don't have a house.

Like, and I was sort of shocked back into reality of like, oh yeah.

Like, so it made me realize, like, even though they have had this great wave of support and really capitalizing on all this, like, they really did go through a terribly traumatic thing.

Terrible.

And it makes sense why he's made it his life's mission to take down the people that he thinks are responsible.

It's just very interesting.

Like, I can't escape it.

Maybe it's because I engaged with it once, or maybe it's because I like to poke fun at Karen Bass, but

it's all, it's like, it's like receipts of like

I don't know.

I don't know if it's conspiracy theories or what it is, but he's he's putting together quite the compelling case that there's some negligence.

What do you think?

I don't know.

I'm not informed enough.

Like detectives over here.

I certainly hope that like the things that I've read are that they just

zoned.

They just zoned like a very significant part of the homes that were burned to the ground, all for low-income housing.

I don't know if you saw this.

Okay.

That

people perhaps didn't want to rebuild, couldn't afford to rebuild, whatever it may be.

Those homes are no longer going to exist.

And all of a sudden, they're just low-income housing and homeless housing.

I don't know.

Like, shouldn't those people get their homes back?

There's, I don't want to get into conspiracy theory land because I definitely don't ever want to think that a politician would intentionally let a city burn ablaze is like the craziest thing to me.

But when you look at, again, they could be conspiracy theories, but when you look at all of these things one after the other, it's like, okay, you cut the budget on the people who are supposed to remove the brush.

The brush caught on fire.

People can't rebuild their homes.

These insurance claims aren't being paid out.

Oh, we're rezoning and now the government can build low-income housing.

It's just like a strange,

it's strange.

Yeah.

So I don't know what to think.

All I'll say is it's strange.

All I know is all those people should be like incredibly taken care of as quickly as possible.

The permits should be approved.

The people in Altadena and in the Palisades.

And like a governor and mayor should be doing everything they can to just give them like front of the line passes.

Here's the easiest, best way to rebuild your life.

It just doesn't even make sense.

Like we can, like, who gave stimulus checks?

Was it Biden or Trump?

Biden.

Well, both.

Both.

Okay.

At the drop of a hat, we can give, what is that?

$1,000, $2,000

to, how much was it?

Do you remember?

We just tell the treasury, print.

Keep printing.

Seriously.

What deficit?

Yeah.

At the drop of a hat, right?

We print.

What is that?

We give

trillions.

Okay.

Let's say it's a trillion.

You can't say

natural disasters that completely evaporate Americans' homes will be immediately rebuilt at the cost of the United States.

Like, again, something that is very obviously not arson, very obviously not insurance fraud, very publicly a natural disaster.

I can't think of a better thing to use taxes for, or

country funds, or like it's just,

and again, I don't know enough to to to really say that this would be effective but I am thinking that we've given a lot of money for worse things

and I love I've always loved the idea of if I'm giving money I want to know exactly where it went that's why these big charities are tough for me to personally give to I would rather give it to something that I'm 1000% sure I know exactly where it's going right and if I was told that we're raising money to build, like everybody needed to give

$1,000 if you can, or $100 if you can, to rebuild homes that were destroyed in California.

And these people can't afford to rebuild their homes.

Like I, yeah, whatever.

I'm rambling.

It just, it all, unfortunately, it just becomes really politically divisive, which is unfortunate.

And I didn't see this in the same way.

I mean, everyone ran to take a shit on California, like ads, like we started burning at 8.30 in the morning.

And by noon, like the internet was inundated by people like trying to like dunk on us.

And the reality is for similar natural disasters, like what happened recently in the flooding in Texas or how North Carolina was hit and northern Florida, like I just, and maybe I'm missing it.

I didn't see that.

right like i didn't see anyone going like well yeah texas because of their politics doesn't deserve help like everyone deserves help It's America.

It sucks.

There were some rich people in the Palisades who lost their homes.

And yes, they're not going to feel it in the same way.

But like, there are also just thousands of people that have been in the Palisades since the 50s who weren't rich, who like their entire retirement was that house who lost it.

And super working class blue-collar people in places like Altadena who lost everything.

So to your point, yes, it should be a moment to galvanize and not to be like, let's dunk on the other side and their tragedy that they're enduring.

Or at least if you're going to dunk on it, first solve the problem at hand and then you can dunk on it and then you can make fun, but definitely help those people.

And you brought up the right point, which is like so heavily politicized.

What you made me think of is like,

there are wars and there are people dying and there are terrible things going on every single day across the entire world.

That's the equivalent of a Texas, of a North Carolina, of something else.

Meanwhile, the only thing people want to talk about is Israel.

And I'm not saying that there aren't terrible things going on.

I'm just saying that you mentioned politics.

There's a reason why the only thing that people seem to want to talk about is Israel.

It's hard to even get people these days to talk about Russia.

It's like

there are active wars going on all over the world.

And so it just makes you think, why do we only talk about California when when it comes to a natural disaster and why do we only talk about Israel when it comes to a war so Jews

the Jews by the way they're in California and they're in Israel so

no sorry to say we're everywhere babe yeah we are I are really quick before we get we move on can I read you so Gavin Newsome like him or not like him what's been effective is he's been starting to tweet in Trump's voice

in like

mocking tweets which is like cool cool good to see you're spending your time well gavin but it's okay here we go

here was a recent tweet of his

dana ding-dong perino never heard of her until today is melting down because of me gavin c newsom

you know you know that he's going to chat gpt and saying put this in trump's voice box hates that i am america's most favorite governor ratings king, saving America, while Trump can't even conquer the big stairs on Air Force One anymore.

Trump has lost his step and Fox is losing it because when I type America now wins, thank you for your attention to this matter.

He's nuts.

He's nuts.

It's actually a great social media strategy.

So love him or hate him.

Yeah, no, it's just good.

Kudos.

Kudos.

It's good.

When else would you be reading Newsom's tweet?

No, it's good.

You know, the schools in LA are shut down, but, you know, good job with these tweets.

What is the temperature over there?

I like that you say, like, and you stay politically correct, love him or hate him.

Most people hate him, right?

I can't tell.

I don't know.

I do think that.

I get a little bit of that.

When people hate him, they hate him so vehemently.

And I always want to be like, but

why?

And then also when people love them, I go, but why?

I think it's probably somewhere in the middle.

I'm so with you.

People need to stop blindly hating and loving people.

Yeah.

It's not, it's not cool.

It's not cool no matter who it is.

You need to be informed and you need to have a legitimate reason why you love or hate someone.

This like, just,

what is it?

Like herd, herd mentality, no good.

On no matter what, no matter what we're talking about.

No matter what, educate yourself.

Unless it's the good guys getting a big, big raise that herd mentality we're fine with we're fine with it in in california today in santa monica it's 81 degrees that's gorgeous

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Well, you know, we're speaking about really important issues, but nothing more important that everyone's fall menu has just dropped.

And I think we need to talk about it because there are some new fun fall menu items at your local coffee joint.

Should we do the three majors?

Yes, please.

Okay.

Coming in at number one for Duncan Donuts, our beloved Duncan.

Duncan serves up a fall first, the new cereal and milk latte, plus a lineup of fall favorites return.

Cereal and milk latte, I would definitely try that.

Yes.

I would try it once before I passed away, but yes.

I would try it once.

Like that, like the amount of freaking sugar in there, I can't even imagine.

I don't, I can't do sugary drinks anymore, Josh.

They give me a headache.

Am I old?

Am I diabetic?

Continue.

I don't know.

You're a grown-up.

What about you, Olivia?

I would give it a whirl.

However, I'm also having a harder time with sugary drinks as I've gotten older.

I'm having a tricky time with it.

You're like 25.

I just turned 26.

Okay, it's up.

Well, you missed your birthday.

It was August 10th.

Ben, we missed it.

Yeah, I knew it was coming up.

We missed it.

Damn it.

It's all right.

I knew it was going to come up on the pod.

But don't worry.

You do have a present coming from us.

We discussed it.

We just didn't realize when it was.

And no.

Bye.

Well, Josh, I wouldn't say that it's big.

Let's temper expectations.

It's nice.

It's really lovely.

August 10th.

It's lovely.

I told you August 10th, Ben.

I don't think so.

I never was coming.

she could have said, you know, it was today.

Yeah, I didn't.

We have.

I'm just saying, it's on Dear Media.

Dear Media needed to send us an email: hey, it's your producer's birthday.

You might as well, you should say happy birthday.

Like, how are we supposed to know?

I'll send you a Google calendar invite for next year.

Do it.

Yeah.

That's good.

Do it.

It's good.

Do you know when my birthday is, Olivia?

April 3rd, right?

Oh, how do you know that?

Because I texted you happy birthday, King.

Damn.

Oh my god.

Josh, I'm going to come myself.

November,

not 11th, that's Veterans Day.

12th?

It's the 10th, but it's fine.

Josh.

Don't worry about it.

I'm going to come myself.

By next year, Olivia is going to be working it on well.

And we're going to leave.

We won't have to remember.

She's going to leave us like the rest of them.

Leave us.

Say hi to Marshall, Olivia.

Oh, by the way, she's staying.

The fact that you even got our birthdays to within a day, I'm very impressed.

Yes.

And I'm embarrassed that we didn't have yours etched in stone on this.

We should have stone, Josh.

It's all right do you want do you want stone i think we can't catch

hold on what do we think ben 200 that's nice right two 200 is nice okay you can you can pay pound me

okay 200 is nice four all right now olivia if in the next month there's an email missed i'm gonna think about this 200

wait what are you serious no yosar josh happy birthday oh my god gentlemen happy birthday

thank you i feel feel like Anna Wintor's hairstylist.

That's how you make it right quickly.

That's how you make it right quick.

Well done, Josh.

We clean up our side of the street here.

We do.

We do.

We do.

Happy birthday to Olivia.

26 years young.

It's fantastic.

She's an old soul, though.

She's an old soul.

E-H.

E-H-H.

Our beautiful, our beautiful Olivia.

All right.

So the fall drinks back at Duncan, the pumpkin spice signature latte, as we know.

They have an iced pumpkin loaf.

Great.

You can add a pumpkin swirl to their favorite hot or iced drinks, but here's the part that I like.

They're going to have pumpkin cake donut and pumpkin munchkin donut hole treats.

Hmm, fun.

I'm all in.

All of these sound fantastic.

I like the branding of pumpkin munchkin.

Yeah, pumpkin munchkin.

It really gives you a visual.

It does.

They were doing a fun summer thing because I take my kids to Duncan like once or twice a month where they were doing like 50 munchkins in a in a beach bucket with a shovel and you could bring it to the beach but that's not that's nice I don't think that I live near a dunkin that participates in any of this because you know they're franchisees some of them they do the fun stuff some of them don't my local dunkin the only thing that i can get is an ice coffee and something with bacon there's bacon in everything i looked even for an egg bite josh they don't have an egg bite no bacon.

They don't have an egg and cheese, no sausage.

100% meat.

Interesting.

Right?

Wow.

I thought that was terribly fascinating, but terrible.

I was starving.

I couldn't get anything.

That's upsetting.

I thought so.

That's weird.

I mean, we definitely have some like flagship Duncans out here where I feel like in New York, like you have one that's also sharing the space with like a TCBY yogurt shop.

We have very sad Duncans that are really just used coffee for cops.

That's it.

Like those, the Cup of Joe, fantastic.

Fantastic.

But that's it.

That's all that we use our Duncans for.

Nothing else.

Otherwise, we're Starbucks or I guess like a Blank Street or Blank Streets have taken over the city.

They're everywhere.

You have Blank Street Coffee by you?

No.

Yeah.

They're everywhere.

But I'm a Starbucks loyalist.

Speaking of cops, did you see the video of the Rhode Island Attorney General, the AG who was, who got arrested for being like drunk and disorderly outside of a restaurant with her other Karen friend?

No, I didn't see this.

AG is Attorney General, right?

Yeah.

So I guess she's an AG for or AG or is she an AUSA, an assistant U.S.

attorney?

Assistant AG, I think.

She's an assistant AG, right?

She wouldn't be the AG of Rhode Island.

So anyway, it's her and her friend, and they're outside, and she's obviously a big fancy lawyer for the Rhode Island government.

And she is, they're, they're basically outside of a restaurant trespassing because the restaurant kicks them out because they're like, you're drunk and you're annoying.

And she just keeps telling the cop, she's like, turn off your body cam.

And he's like, no.

And she's like, I'm an AG.

I know the law.

Turn it off.

If I ask you to turn it off, you have to turn it off.

And he's like, ma'am, that's bullshit.

No, I don't.

Like, I'm leaving this on.

And it was, it's bad.

And she got arrested and her Karen friend got arrested.

And

it's, it's wild.

And, and she is, she works for the government.

So I can't imagine what that's going to be like.

What I would give, Josh, just for one night for me and you to be drunk and disorderly.

God.

God.

I want to be drunk and orderly.

I want to do everything you tell me to do, but I'm just a little bit...

Oh, man.

Well, Starbucks, they're line up.

They're going to have, okay, returning fall favorites.

Ooh, let's just go.

They're going to have the pumpkin sprice latte, pumpkin cold brew.

Here's something fun.

The new fall items, pecan oat milk cortato,

a new coffee drink featuring pecan and oat milk.

Pecan.

Pecan, sure.

Okay, okay, just checking.

And you're going to have Italian sausage egg bites, a new savory food item for the fall season.

Okay, that's too much.

Italian sausage egg bites.

I don't like the way that sounds.

Yucky.

Yeah, it's making me think of like

Binny Guaragnino's whole hog.

Right?

Doesn't it sound like Lil

just huge dong.

Like it's just Italian sausage.

Egg bites.

I don't need to hear that.

No good.

And then my beloved Tim Hortons, because you know that I'm Canadian.

You are.

I think this offering actually sounds top tier.

They're going to have...

What's that a boot?

Let me tell you what it's a boot.

They're pumpkin spiced iced cappuccino and maple cinnamon sugar.

Maple cinnamon sugar cold brew.

Yum.

I'm a maple guy.

You?

Love maple.

Love.

Love.

That said, I'm sorry.

Everybody's going to hate me for this.

There are just some things, in my opinion, that are better that aren't the real deal.

And one of those for me is maple syrup.

Wow.

I prefer on my pancakes a nice Aunt Jemima.

I think it's top of the line or sorry.

Pearl milling, okay?

Pearl milling versus this.

Sometimes, I guess it depends on what type of maple syrup you get, Josh.

But sometimes you get that fresh maple and it just doesn't taste as good.

Sometimes you get it and it's delicious, but I don't think that fresh maple is always better.

Yeah, artificial flavoring in general is better.

It's just like an umami punch.

Yeah, it's delicious.

Yeah.

It'll kill you, but it's delicious.

Yeah, totally.

Well, quick story before we get to speak pipes.

You were in the news recently, Ben.

Man with world's largest penis

slips breaks arm and shower because giant penis got in the way it was a very embarrassing incident

being well endowed isn't all it's cracked up to be we've heard of people whose mammoth members have injured their partners however uk man with the world's largest johnson reportedly hurt himself after slipping and breaking his arm in the shower because the titanic tallywhacker got in his way

the post is nuts

Nuts.

The AI specialist frequently goes viral for his enormous unit, which at 14 and a half inches long is reportedly the biggest medically proven Wang in the world.

He even has a cast of his privates at a museum in Iceland.

But yeah, I guess he was getting out of a hot shower and he couldn't see his feet

and he slept and broke his arm.

It obscured his view.

I think

here's a question for you, Josh.

If you had a 14 and a half inch wiener,

would you have a penis reduction surgery?

The same way that a woman born perhaps with

triple J's

probably gets back problems.

I do not,

I have zero interest in a hog that size.

Sounds incredibly inconvenient.

I don't know what pants you wear.

I'm sending you a picture of production surgery of the hog.

No, I'm sending you a picture of him sitting outside, and this scumbag wears khakis.

I mean, by the way, that's like he also, big Wang highlighter.

He also reported his own Wang to the Guinness Book of World Records.

Like, how do they know he is the biggest Wang in the world?

Because he went and told everyone.

He's like, Hey, look at me and my khakis.

All right, let me see.

Jesus Christ.

I know.

Ah,

I'm going to puke.

I'm going to puke.

What a piece.

I don't know why I zoomed.

I know.

It's nuts.

Ew.

It reminds me of that new menu item.

It's Starbucks.

I would only take

Italian sausage.

I would only take public transportation if I was endowed like that.

I would never take an Uber.

But what happens if you're on the subway,

your

fat wang brushes up against the pole and all of a sudden you're like the empire state building like i just

it must hurt to get an erection in something that confining how does that no good i mean those pants did look very stretchy i don't know josh i don't know tuck he must up tuck permanently

right

he's a snake in his pants I can't think about it anymore.

It's disgusting.

Should we get to a speak

Yucky.

Yeah.

If you want to ask us a question, get some advice, go to speakpipe.com slash good guys.

Keep it brief.

Bremedes T.

We don't want to hear.

You have to see this picture.

It's vile.

And he is like so gross.

Like,

God doesn't give with both hands, my boy.

If I was...

If I was him, I would be proud of it too.

Because there's nothing else to be proud of.

Yeah, if you're a real Uggo, that's why Ron Jeremy, like the scales are even.

That scumbag's got a huge piece, but he looks like

a hedgehog.

I love the names.

Like we won't say penis.

I just love, I've been calling it hog.

You call it peace.

It's just funny.

Peace and love.

All right.

Our first, our first speak pipe is from,

let's see, from Sydney.

Toaster here.

I I have a question as a first-time expecting mom.

I am seven and a half months, and unfortunately, my husband and I, we had to leave our apartment just for some unforeseen circumstances.

And instead of looking to pay for another apartment that's anywhere from three to four thousand,

his mom, my mother-in-law, offered her condo.

It is two bedrooms, so we would be living with her.

I'm fine doing that between now and when the baby comes, but my question is: as to dads to newborns what are your thoughts on potentially living with an in-law I mean she'll be there for help yes but I also like my space so I'm just really not sure how to go about this I feel kind of stuck thanks

I think I missed the beginning why doesn't she have a house what happened I don't know but I think I don't know.

But basically, she just has the opportunity to save some money, live with her mother-in-law for the first couple months that her baby's there and figure out a new place.

You'll be really, really happy to have any, any helping hand, like, like any.

I think that it won't be nearly as bad as you think.

You're going to be sleeping when he sleeps and she's probably going to give you the ability to sleep even more.

So

I agree that you don't want to live with your in-laws

probably past six months, but like for the first six months, I think it could be incredibly helpful.

What do you think?

Totally agree.

I mean, a two-bedroom apartment is tight.

It's tight, tight, tight.

So you got to know that.

And there'll definitely be moments where you will say, why did I do this?

But I think a net positive will be if you can just bear down and treat this like a once-in-a-lifetime moment and take that extra help.

And if your mother-in-law is that way, oh my God, just let her help.

You'll be so thankful.

Yeah.

And maybe like.

It's on your husband to lay some ground rules, but like, just

have her knock before she comes into the bedroom.

like try and create some space within that within this two bedroom and make sure there's mutual respect but I think as long as there's mutual respect I think it will be help more I think it'll be a net positive totally agree let's hear from someone good someone exciting and someone fun fun fun let's hear from anonymous

Oh my gosh.

Hey, good guys.

I heard Josh say a couple episodes ago that most of the speak bites he gets suck and they're just like a pain to listen to.

And I was like, you know what?

I have a lot to give and I should be giving it.

So I want to try to be like a regular

speakpiper.

Okay, here's my question.

So my parents are divorced.

They've been divorced since I was like 10 to like 20 years.

Growing up, obviously, I had to do all of the separate holidays, like the birthdays, Christmas, two of everything.

Hated it.

Now I have my own child.

I want to do one event where everybody comes.

What ends up happening, I invite everybody.

My dad will say, hey, I don't really want to get together with everyone, meaning he doesn't want to go if my mom's going to be there.

How about I do something special for her on, you know, like he'll pick like a different day.

So why don't I do like a lunch on Saturday?

It'll be like our little birthday celebration.

I think this is obnoxious.

Like come together for your grandkids.

But some of my friends are like, well, I understand it's an uncomfortable situation.

They don't want to be uncomfortable.

Well, personally, like my parents were divorced, but my kid's parents aren't divorced.

She shouldn't have to have two holidays.

I don't know.

What do you guys think?

I think it's not about your dad, and it's not about your mom.

So I actually completely agree with you.

Like, it's nice if he wants to do something extra, but this idea that like they can't put aside their differences to come for their grandchild means that they're incredibly immature.

It's just not, it's just not a thing.

Like, it's not about you, Gramps.

I don't think Olivia totally agrees with you, Ben.

I can see from her adorable nod.

I was not expecting to not agree on this point.

And I'm interested to hear because I feel like you would think I would totally be on board with that.

But I think 100%, if you plan a birthday and your father doesn't want to be there, then it's on him to completely plan his own thing for your kid, right?

Like this is not on you to plan two things or to have like, oh, we'll have an additional brunch days later.

Like if you want to do something lovely and nice and cute, great.

But I was thinking about this.

I was listening to the great Robbie Hoffman, like, and you're seeing this already with Ruby.

We spend our entire life as parents with our kids till they're 18, but really until they're well into their 20s, where everything is a compromise for them.

Like everything.

And, you know, I don't know the exact dynamics of what happened between the mother and the father, but like he's probably a guy in his 60s.

And for whatever reason, like, he doesn't want to do that.

So it sucks.

It's not cool.

It would be better if he could suck it up.

But you live in the world that is, and you love your dad, and he doesn't want to do that.

So you go, okay, you won't be a part of that thing.

He won't really be missed.

Your kid doesn't care.

And if anything, they get like a little double dip.

So maybe it's on you to not care.

I see that, but.

And this is not like a bar mitzvah or like

but then what if the mom wants that too?

What do you mean?

Like, what if, so it's the mom and the dad, they both don't want to see each other.

They both don't want to come to the party.

They both want to do their own things.

Then all of a sudden, you have the mom doing something.

You have your party.

You have the dad doing something.

I think that what she's saying is that she just wants the convenience of being able to throw a party and have her parents, unbiased, show up, not for her, not for them, but for their grandchild, who has nothing to do with their personal disagreements or problems or divorce.

Like, I hear you, but I do think that in your 60s, you can just fuck up.

But I get what you're saying.

You're probably right.

I think, I think if it was a baptism of bar mitzvah graduation, obviously, you know, there's one.

Like, suck it up.

But I guess like, if you have a, if I had a birthday party for Max and then

one day the following week, my mom was like, I'm going to pick him up at noon and take him to lunch in a movie and we're going to get dessert and celebrate.

And then a couple days later the father i never met suddenly wants to show up for max i'm like what about me dad

but he comes back from the dead and he's like oh i want to take him to dave and buster's you know a couple like that's so easy oh no that part makes perfect sense the part that you're forgetting is that paige threw a gorgeous birthday party invited them and they declined

Like she threw

for them.

I know.

I see.

I see what you're saying.

But you're right, too.

I think we're both, I think you're more right, but I'm just like, I guess I'm trying to understand the world that we live in.

But I do see what you're saying.

I think that people just need to forgive and forget a little.

It's been long enough.

Your child now has a child.

Whatever you were arguing about that you got divorced over

like

40 years ago,

you can put aside for 18 days and 18 years.

That's what I'm I'm saying.

A day a year.

In theory.

And

is this a small party?

Sorry, I have more questions.

Because now I'm thinking about this.

I agree with you, Josh, if this is a 10-person party.

I disagree with you if this is a 30-person party.

If it's easy to come and avoid your former spouse, No reason not to come.

If this is a 10-person awkward dinner between grandma, grandpa, mom, dad, kids, that hardly sounds like a party.

Then that's a different story.

Okay.

That's a little bit more awkward.

And I'd understand why you wouldn't want to do that.

But to your point on a bar mitzvah, I don't know if you said quinciniera, but we can throw that one in there.

Baptism.

Different story.

Very easy to avoid.

being chummy with someone.

I think it depends on the size of the affair.

Yeah, I just, but I also think like in 12th step, we learn like how to, how to live with unresolved issues.

Right.

And,

you know,

inevitably, I think it's like first and foremost is getting over that hurt because there's hurt for you.

There's hurt for your kid.

But I think you just have to like make your peace with like live in the world that is instead of the world that we think we deserve.

And like you have, you have parents that have Misha Gas.

It could go really deep.

We don't know how dark and shitty their marriage marriage got before it ended.

And some maybe somebody paid, maybe someone didn't, maybe someone held out on child support.

You don't know.

And

they're just not down to clown.

So yes, it should be this way on paper, but it isn't.

So then it's incumbent on you to not be disturbed by it.

How disturbed are you going to allow yourself to be?

That I completely agree with.

That said, we're not asking them to clown.

They don't need to clown.

Yeah.

Just show up independently for your grandchild you're right you you're right as well there's so much here this is deep a deep speak pipe so deep this one less deep anonymous

hi josh and ben i'm a moron and i just launched my bless you owned granola company i'm really excited about it it's currently called cheese granola but i need to pivot due to trademark reasons so i would love your all's opinion on the new name because you're both foodies and great at branding.

So the names I'm between are Slow Street, a granola company, or Park Day.

Slow streets are streets in San Francisco where I live that are locked off to cars and encourage more community movement, like runners, bikers, yeah, dog walkers, anything.

And then Park Day kind of speaks for itself.

But I'm between those two.

So would love your feedback.

Thank you.

Did she say that the original name of the company was called Cheese?

Or G's?

I think she said G's granola geez granola oh geez granola

better than cheese i i hate to be the one to tell you this it actually doesn't matter at all make it as short and as distinct as possible uh if it rallies around a street that's great nobody's gonna give a shit the only thing that they're gonna care about is does the granola taste good how

maybe are the macros on the back Is it available at my local grocery store?

But otherwise, it's going to be short, sweet, something that people can remember and distinct, not like other granola companies.

So, I'm happy you didn't go with G's because G's is just not, it's not like

different enough.

I don't know, G's, just weird to me.

I liked what was the first one, Street Side?

I like

Slow Street.

That's fine, Slow Street, Slow Street Granola.

It's not great, it's fine.

It sounds like an episode of Sesame Street for kids with special needs.

You know.

Sorry.

No, that's good.

Don't say sorry.

Elleno Road.

The small bus day.

And on that note, what are you nuts?

Our what are you nuts moment of the week?

Our gripes with people, places, and things, both big and small, whatever's sticking in your craw.

Ben, what do you got?

The other day, I was on a southwest flight.

Don't ask.

Don't ask.

That's a story for another day.

Love.

And we land, Josh, and immediately, I don't think that...

The wheels had even touched the air conditioning.

They shut it.

They shut it off.

And you know, you still have to, you wait on the tarmac, you're waiting to get to your gates.

There's at least a half hour.

This plane went from, it was a perfect temperature the whole flight to scalving hot.

And when I asked the flight attendant, she said, Yeah, it's totally normal to conserve energy to shut the air upon landing.

What are you, nuts?

I'm still on the plane.

I'm score, I'm scorching hot.

I'm sweating.

I'm in a middle seat because I thought that there's no chance in hell that anybody is on a southwest flight from Icelip to PBI on a Wednesday in August.

But of course, it was a full flight, Josh.

I'm row 30, middle seat, no air.

What are you, nuts?

You probably checked in late, too, because you took it for granted.

You didn't check in at the 24-hour mark.

No, I didn't think that I needed to pay for priority on Southwest.

Who's going to Florida in August from Long Island?

Yeah, first of all, there should be no Southwest airline on East Icelip.

Are we okay to go like three or four minutes over?

Yeah.

Okay, okay.

Yeah, there should not be a plane called Southwest on East Icelip, New York.

I mean, I guess there should have been a full flight.

I don't know.

Nuts.

Yeah, Southwest.

You're supposed to operate in the Southwest.

You know what else is nuts?

Not giving this episode five stars.

That's a what are you nuts?

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We will see ya.

Next time.

Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services.

Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.