Swole, Sensitive & Sick of People Pleasing

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good guys.

Whoa.

Mazamarins, welcome back to the Good Guys podcast.

Recently, I was at the gym and this guy who was really fit said that I look like my musculature has changed, that I'm very close to hitting a huge like milestone in my overall fitness.

Ben, what do you think?

Wow, I love it.

Did you pay him?

No, I don't think he wants to hook up.

Okay, so yeah, no, I, Josh, you sent me a picture.

I don't know, maybe it was it two or three weeks ago you sent me and Claudia a picture and i just said your arm looked exactly the way it does right now which is enormous

it's enormous it's really enormous do you see this look if you're not watching on youtube you're missing an actual gun show you're missing a gun show

yeah it's just my left i don't know why my right doesn't have that but the left really comes through And this is mine in case anybody's wondering.

This is mine.

What do you think?

I think good.

I think good.

What do we think?

What do we think?

Like, from me from here up, had a dad, right?

From me from here down, no dad.

No,

you look fantastic overall.

And all that I have to say quickly while we're talking about it, last time I told you about this Neo place that I do physical therapy, Josh, they have tremendously helped my posture, my arms.

You see this?

I couldn't even put them back this far.

Wow.

Unbelievable.

You look like a field goal

i

thank god i can do this now

oh you look like a field goal if you're not watching on youtube

if you're not watching on youtube you're making a huge mistake josh when i was taking a quick piss i went on and i saw somebody took a picture of an she instagram storied her watching on her tablet while she was at work.

And I just have to say, more people should be doing that, okay?

And

if you tag us, we'll repost you.

And I say tablet because we are agnostic.

You want to use your Samsung Galaxy tablet?

No problem.

If you want to use your competitor tablet, no problem.

We are agnostic.

Tab it up, watch us on YouTube, regardless.

Watch us on Reddit.

Are we on Reddit?

I hope not.

I really hope not.

By the way, we're definitely on Reddit, and what they're talking about is not good.

I mean, I've, I've tried,

luckily, I'm weirdly tech tech phobic in ways that have censored me from all of like the extreme hate that I'm sure I get.

Cause like, basically, I just Twitter my, like, Twitter search my name every couple months and all I see is the fuck he doing in Oppenheimer.

Like, you know what I mean?

I don't like self-inflicted pain.

I'm actually pretty good about that.

Like if I, if you said to me, I have an envelope, you're holding an envelope in front of me with the 10 worst things that your friends said about you over the past year, your best friends, I would say keep the envelope.

And I wouldn't even, and I, and I wouldn't even think about it.

I don't like to self-inflict pain.

If you're talking about me behind my back, it was behind my back for a reason.

I don't want to hear it.

And I feel the same way, except it's magnified about people online.

You have nasty things to say about me.

I'll see it if it's in my DMs, but if it's outside of my DMs, I am not looking for it because it will, it'll, it'll ruin me.

I can't do it.

How are you doing that?

I do.

I do check my, I check the comments.

Yeah, you do.

I have a hater.

For the podcast?

Yeah, I have one hater.

That's good.

That's how you know you're winning.

You got to give some, you got to be doing something worth hating.

That means you're doing shit.

For sure.

Fucking

garbage ass name.

What do you go to University of Wisconsin?

Oh, Hannah Berners.

I'm a mother.

She played D1 tennis.

We get it, Hannah.

We know you played tennis in college.

No, I'm kidding.

Big fan.

We love you, Hannah.

We love Paige.

We love Giggly Squad.

Fantastic.

By the way, I can't hear anything Olivia's saying, so I'm just going to say things like, yeah.

You can't hear what she's saying?

You don't hear me?

No.

Shitballs.

Well,

you can finish.

We're having a bit of a, for anyone listening, we're having a bit of a studio technical problem.

You have split headphones.

Only one of them, I think, has a mic in it.

Ah,

Olivia.

No, Mike!

by the way thank god thank god it's yours yeah

that was lucky to draw we would have been worried

trying to figure out that tech for a while but yeah all right olivia last thing you get to say for the podcast i'll tell you what she says

no if i had an envelope that had something that you know people have said bad about me behind my back i want to read it and i want to validate what i think about myself sometimes you know what i mean your worst suspicion yes that you're not enough exactly that's what we all have welcome to the human race race.

Basically, Ben.

Basically, Ben, Olivia is a member of the human race and she wants to read the bad things that people wrote about her to validate her worst fears, which is she isn't enough, which join the party.

I understand.

I would definitely urge everybody to try to not do that, but I totally get doing it.

It's,

yeah, it's most people.

I think most people, if somebody approached them and said, I have the 10 worst things that your friends have said about you here, do you want to read them?

I think 99% of people would read it.

But wouldn't that also be way more crushing that it's your friends instead of just the 10 worst things anyone has said about you?

Totally.

I use that as an extreme that I really, like, I do not want to know anything that anybody says about me behind my back.

Unless.

Unless these are not like character flaws, unless it like, of course, like puts me in danger or if if it directly relates to work or something, of course, that if you're, if you're a rat, I want to know.

But if you're just like saying that I'm like a fat fuck or like was like

a bad friend or something, I don't know that obviously was not true.

I don't want to hear it.

I don't want to hear it.

Do you think that I think this is a good quality about me, but it's spawned from the fact that I have many bad qualities, which is that, and my wife gives me credit for this, so I know it's true because she she so rarely does, but she,

she,

I,

I am aware that I need work and I'm down to do the work.

And I know that I probably have bad habits, which steps on the toes of my fellows, right?

Like I do certain things that might turn people off because I've seen it in my life throughout.

my life.

I have amazing friends.

I have amazing family and relationships and all these things.

But

as of recently, I've become aware and understood that I was doing something that was turning people off.

And I've probably done it my whole life.

And I'm like, I'm working on it.

And I think at 38, that's rare.

I think a lot of people just go, I'm fully cooked.

I'm baked.

Take it or leave it.

This is, you know, the Josh pie.

And I'm like, no, we can still.

you know, throw me back in.

I might need a couple more minutes, extra crispy.

I think this is a new thing, Josh, not just for you, but i think like in general our generation and the gen zers like olivia not the ones that are nuts the gen zers like olivia i think that we are all like with the things that we buy like to the things that we talk about i do think to the things that we ingest i think that we are obsessed with bettering ourselves so i don't think that i think that like if you talk to your mom or my parents and ask, I a thousand percent think that they thought that they were fully baked.

Like, but, but now I think that if you do talk to other, I love that you're trying to call yourself 40 at 38.

Like that's just, you're just not 40.

I think that if you talk to other people in their 30s, they, we are constantly trying to better ourselves.

I know I'm trying to better myself every day in every respect.

There are certain things I do, and we talk about this all the time.

Like, I definitely talk a lot about it and I don't always act on those things, right?

Like I should be going to the gym more than I do, do, but I love taking a supplement that I think will make me feel better, even though I do know that like the core way to make myself feel better and have less inflammation isn't necessarily turmeric and GLPs.

It's probably just running on the treadmill.

But yeah, but I do think that bettering ourselves is cool.

I think like wellness is cool.

It wasn't always cool, especially for men, like having nice skin or having good habits or not drinking.

Like all of a sudden, not drinking is, is cool.

You know, it used to make you like a loser if you didn't already.

I think just like times are changing.

So

I think you're bettering yourself is amazing, but I don't think that it's, I don't think it's a stigma anymore where people feel stuck.

I think for the first time, unless I'm privileged and live in just an environment where people are trying to get better, I think that people are trying to better themselves.

I agree with you.

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do you find like at least how i notice it on social media culture is like sometimes the bettering yourself can turn into like this

self-centered jerk off

and i'll i'll never forget i heard a woman share at a meeting once and she said two things that really like

at a 12-step meeting and two things that has have stayed with me my whole life.

She said,

you're the love of your life.

You're everything you've been searching for.

You're the fish you've been trying to catch.

And then she said,

you know, in 12-step, there's a process in which we look at like these, these defects, these things, whether it's we're quick to anger or sloth or rage or jealousy or all these, you know, like the seven deadly sins, right?

And

we look at these things and we start to work on getting rid of them, right?

Because they make our lives not great and when shit's not great people like me drink over it so she said you know those defects those things

they're kind of easy because who wants to get in a road rage that might get you killed right who wants to be so deeply jealous that you lose your relationship because you were you know going through your spouse's phone she's like after you've done that stuff you might go deeper and you might start to see things that aren't, you don't think they're defects, you just think they are who you are.

Like,

she's like, you might have to lose some things that you think define you, like that job that you think you can't live without, or that you're, that relationship that you think defines you.

And it wasn't like your life should explode.

It just was like,

what are you willing to let go of that stands between you and joy, you and happiness, right?

And while maybe it's the perfect relationship for you for life, maybe it's the perfect job, maybe you need to let go of this thing because there's something better on the other side.

So I just like that thing that I mentioned recently, which is just like, I'm very hard on myself, but I can be very hard on other people.

And that doesn't fly and that turns people off.

That's a rough one to like when you look back and you're like, oh, I don't talk to Joe anymore.

Like, you know, and I'm like, he probably was turned off.

It's a hard thing to face.

It is.

I think that real friends, though, would, would confront you on that.

I think that,

especially knowing you, like, I, I think that you're very receptive.

Like, if I ever felt that way, for example, I think you're receptive to it.

Like, real friends, in my opinion, don't just disappear.

Like, I, I hate that quality in people.

And I know people like that who, like, if you, if you make a mistake with a friend, they'll never talk to you again.

And like, that means that you just like weren't real friends, in my opinion.

There's no problem in losing friends.

Like, as we get older, we have less friends.

We find less in common with people.

We realize the people that maybe we thought were friends were really just drinking buddies or social buddies or party friends, or there are different groups of friends.

And then there's just like the friend and the friends that grow with you through every life stage.

And a friend like that, I think, would be,

I would hope, would be able to have a conversation as opposed to just pizzing out.

Yeah.

But, but maybe not.

It's going to sound like I'm complimenting myself, but one thing, just while we're like having this episode of therapy that I've definitely been working on.

We've been digging deep, Ben.

It doesn't all have to be ha ha.

Maybe that's your thing.

It's

a mean hard on you.

He's not going to talk to me anymore.

It's definitely magnified with ruby but i am a people pleaser to my core i always have been like i'm that friend that if i need to drive somewhere if i need to go somewhere if i need to pay for something if i need to i'm always doing

and when you're a constant doer you do recognize sort of the leeches in your life that don't do just take right don't offer just take

and

i do think that there was like, I just think that as I get older and as I'm with Ruby, my priorities are shifting.

It's no longer, I will make that time work that works for you, which was always me.

Like, you tell me when works for you and I'll make it work.

Now it's not that.

It's, I will make, like, I will make the time that works for me work.

And if it doesn't work for you, I'm sorry, which is a huge shift for me.

And it's something that I'm actively working on where I can't be as available as I once was.

And the fact that the people in my life allowed me to be that available was selfish on their end.

Does that make sense?

But I feel like we always do the podcast at the time that's good for you.

Don't get me.

Yeah, I think

here, tell me, I'm going to throw this out and you tell me if it rings true at all.

Maybe it doesn't.

So people pleasing the interesting side of that thing right because everything can be good in dosages right and then it can sure what what's this the phrase like a wonderful quality can become a defect in too much so in my experience people pleasing becomes

hold this

as you can have this as long as you do what i say and to that extent of like Real people pleasing can become a desire in which to control situations because I want to control the way you see me.

So I'm going to make sure everything is done for and I'm the best and I'm the one who comes through.

And it's a wonderful quality because there's so many great things that you do for other people.

But for me, at least, when I've overdone it, it's because I was trying to control the situation and control you by overdoing, if that makes sense.

It does.

I can definitely say with 100% certainty that that's not, that's not me like at all and this did just happen which is why it's glaring a friend that i have been paying for his whole life i went to dinner with him and he didn't even take out his wallet and i turn and i turned to him and i was like okay so we'll split this like like that

and that's not me controlling a situation that's not like

I'm just at dinner with you.

Like I've paid for, and like if he put out his, his card, I probably would have just said oh don't worry about it no worries because i like that feeling

the feeling of knowing that somebody thinks that they just like are covered like that

was a terrible feeling i hated it i hated it it was like you don't even respect me enough to try and put down your credit card

like it it

it it it really

and that was the first time that it's ever happened like it's always like oh we'll split it or I'll be forthcoming and say oh I got this like the bill came I put down my card.

He didn't move

Totally, but you don't think that like the example you gave before this is kind of what I was saying Which is like you made yourself overly available because there was probably some deep-seated need to make to

make others happy sounds good but it also was just like

you weren't honoring yourself and that wasn't so that didn't speak for you like there's that great Mike Tyson quote where they go do you want anyone what do you wish people understood about you better he goes nothing fuck you like there's something fucking strong like what you're talking about now with Ruby sounds more balanced and what you had before

imbalanced Yeah, it's just like,

but what's annoying is that I love doing the things that were imbalanced.

imbalanced it's just when the rubber meets the road it's like i love being the person who's going to pick you up i love the person who's going to drive you home i love being the person who's going to drive to your house or come downtown or go uptown or put this on my card or do this or do that i love being that person until it's taken for granted and until i don't have the time to do it anymore And then all of a sudden, you're not reciprocating.

I'm realizing that it's just a one-way,

it's a terrible one-way street.

And all of those great feelings of giving are, they're, they're gone.

Like, I don't want to give you anything anymore, which is a very hard pill to swallow.

Yeah, I mean, it's like with your buddy, right?

You saying, well, let's split it.

It's like, it sounds like you were willing to be disliked.

Like you were willing to do something that was going to turn him off.

because you were protecting and honoring you.

Yeah, like it's not, it's not my you're you're in your 30s like it's not my responsibility to pay for every meal of yours anymore and if you're not even thankful for that then i'm not doing it anymore and it doesn't bother me it used to bother me i would like think to myself oh what is he thinking now or oh because of that like i don't care but that's i don't that's exactly what i was saying it's that i don't care whereas before

you were afraid not to do it because they might think negatively yes a thousand percent i was afraid i was afraid always of what people thought and i was always afraid that i would upset someone right and i swear on my life i don't know what happened i do not care at all like i swear on my life i i don't think about it for a second and it's freeing It's very freeing to not care because when you're constantly thinking, you're right, this is a great session.

when you're constantly thinking about what other people think of you, that is a terrible way to live because I've lived that way and it's no good.

It's not like, oh, why hasn't he responded in 10 minutes?

Is he angry?

Like, no, he's your friend and he like went and took a dump.

Like, shut the fuck up.

He's fine.

He's fine.

He took a shower.

He's not angry at you.

Or if he is, who gives a shit?

Like.

And that's the power of, yeah, having an amazing family, wife, and a son who's so much more important than those

than the nonsense going on in your brain like anything i think i think that also would change i think growing up like maybe maybe yeah who's got this maybe time

and and i also just want like it's better to understand than to be understood like the desire in which to be understood has always led me astray and it's always put me in a place where i just was like but if i could just get your if i could just take your eyes and put them in my skull i promise you you'd understand but it's like hey look babe you get it or you don't

you get it or you don't folks this we're so deep we can do everything

we can do everything this is lovely

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Do you want me to come to race or not?

You don't have to.

If it's a lot, don't.

I don't know what to do.

I feel like they just have not made it easy for me.

Why am I talking about this on the pod?

No, I mean, I would love to do it with you and the great Claude, but, you know, it's like a schlep that I have to pay for it in New York City.

By the way, I feel the same way about it as I did about the other gig that you ended up coming in for that we won't talk about.

And I think that that,

I think that that was worth it.

But I, I definitely, the same way that I said to you then, I completely defer to you.

It's whatever you're comfortable with.

I don't think that, I think that this is a far more one-sided street.

We're going to bleep out the name of what you said, but this is a more one-sided street where you are doing them a favor.

I don't know that they're doing anything for you.

Or for us, right?

Because

I've done it in the past and they've been like, this is big.

You're going to be in front of some huge people.

Silch, bagel, nothing has led to zero.

Are we going to cut all this out?

What can you do?

I don't, no, no, I don't think that we have to cut it out because we're going to bleep their name.

No, we're going to bleep their name.

I don't think, I think it's fine.

I've done stuff with them before.

And

there are like some interesting people in the room.

I don't think that they're like, yeah, we probably got to cut this out.

We probably got to cut this out.

Yeah.

No, I wouldn't.

I wouldn't.

It's just, I mean,

with these, I mean, these three children, let me tell you, it's one thing I never did this because I hate when people complain about having kids and how hard it is.

Cause I'm like, what, what, what did you think it would be?

What

were you

expecting?

Yeah.

And like, it's hack.

Like, don't fucking complain about your kids in life.

It's hack.

Like, yeah,

it's really, really hard.

And it's really wonderful, hopefully, too.

Three kids is hard.

Like, with number three, I was like, oh, like, I had it dialed with two, but three souls, and it's going to be wonderful.

But just the first couple of months, I was like, wow, we.

Yeah, I can't even imagine.

So

I would definitely only prioritize paid engagements That's that that that would be what I would do I would money I wouldn't go if I were you anywhere for free really ever again unless

he had a merchant of the upper east side Unless it was in Los Angeles, I wouldn't travel for free anywhere

Yeah, unless like maybe like maybe like these fucked the agents can get you a deal in the city in parallel with the thing and then all of a sudden it makes sense.

Why can't they do that?

I'm going to be

Marriott!

The fact that you aren't

back to York in October, please.

The fact that you aren't the face of Courtyard is such a miss.

Like, why not?

This man is Continental Breakfast.

He is.

I fuck up the Continental Breakfast.

I eat that shit.

I make my own waffle at the waffle station every time.

He does.

He makes it.

Yeah.

So what are we cut?

What are we cutting out?

Do we just we're not still in the cutting?

We're leaving it.

Okay, we're leaving it.

We're not people pleasing anymore, Ben.

No, we're not.

We're not people pleasing.

We're not people pleasing.

That said, I will still be there.

And

if we don't, if we don't bleep out the name, I'm going to have to deal with some questions.

They know.

I mean, I'm not lying.

I'm explaining the reasons right now.

I have three kids.

When I said yes, I did not have three kids.

It's a freaking lot.

Was it?

It's good.

It's a, it's a shit better for me.

Yeah, no, by the way, maybe we'll Skype you in.

I can't believe I used Skype.

Am I 2000?

Yeah, perfect.

How old am I?

I'll get on my two-way pager.

Skype you in.

Should we get to a speakpipe?

Yeah, we absolutely can.

Yeah, you want to send it to me?

Yeah, perfect.

Oh, crap.

Yeah, would you mind?

Yeah, absolutely.

Thanks.

If you want to leave us a message, get some advice, go to speakpipe.com slash good guys.

Keep it brief.

Brevity is key.

We don't love your woody nutses.

What else?

Oh, you know what?

We haven't been doing leave us a review on our Apple podcast review or Spotify.

Can you do that on Spotify?

And we'll read a good review every week starting next week because I can't use my phone because the studio is broken.

I love that.

Maybe you read it.

You read a good one, Ben.

Your phone.

Oh, no, you're FaceTiming me.

No, I have my phone.

It's on my computer that I'm FaceTiming you.

Let me read a good review.

Let's start with today.

No time like the present.

This, what do we call this segment?

This is called Positive Vibes.

It's called Our Flowers.

Our Flowers.

Nothing two gay men love more than flowers.

Literally.

Let's see.

Okay, reviews.

I just have to say

we have a wonderful rating

it's not bad 4.7 that's pretty fucking good 49 is people please four seven is you're great but you're edgy

four seven okay

okay okay okay okay okay okay okay this one

what do you nuts changed my perspective five stars I was in a car accident where the lady who hit me yelled at me and made me feel awful about myself for saying I was an idiot for stopping for a pedestrian.

I listened to the good guys and thought, how would Ben and Josh react?

It would be, what are you nuts to the, it would be, what are you nuts to the lady for yelling at me after hitting me?

And what are you nuts to me about allowing some crazy lady to make me feel bad about myself?

It changed my perspective and felt better about a really unfortunate situation.

As a result, it feels silly to say, but these guys got me through a really stressful and negative time in my life.

You know what?

That's what we do.

We give good perspective.

So yeah, if you want to leave us an only positive five-star review that's heartfelt, we'll read it aloud.

That's it.

Just put your heart into it.

We'll read it, okay?

Good reviews.

Good read only.

Go overboard.

Be gross.

Give yourself the ick when you send it.

Because we're going to love it.

We're going to absolutely love it.

We're going to love it.

And

yeah, here's another one.

This one's short and sweet.

Perfect.

Amazing.

10 out of 10.

No notes.

That's good too.

We won't read them aloud, but that's nice.

Just say,

we're not reading any four stars.

Okay.

So don't be cheeky.

Don't, you know what I mean?

Just dig, be gross.

And no, be gross.

Unless you're going to write something like Love It, Joshi and Benny.

Both hosts are hilarious.

My belly is jiggling from laughter.

Yeah,

I'm not going to be from the last step.

Who's not really pregnant?

Oh my God, that's funny.

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All right, Olivia, do you have a speak pipe?

I do.

Oh, wait, did you send it to me?

I was going to try and get brief.

I turned 30, and my friend that I've known for a few years texted me that she wanted to take me on a spa day.

I thought that was very nice.

And then she texted me the itinerary, which is a very nice hotel in Miami.

She's going to pay for both of us to get massages and she's going to pay for both of us to get lunch at the hotel.

And then she's going to pay for a day pass for the hotel so we can kind of enjoy the hotel, which I thought is super nice.

But I think in total, she'll probably spend $1,000, which is like.

a lot of money to spend on somebody's birthday.

This is all great and nice, but her birthday is a few weeks after mine.

So I offered to split the cost of the day so that I could pay for her part and she could pay for my part as her birthday gift.

She did not want to do that.

She said she wanted to treat me, which I think is great.

But now my problem is: what the heck do I get her for her birthday?

Do I get her a gift?

Because that's not as great as an experience.

Do I take her out to a dinner and just go balls to the walls and try and spend a thousand dollars at dinner?

I don't even know if I could do that financially.

Like, that's a lot of money.

So, I don't know.

Do I have to match?

Do I not have to match?

Please help me.

I need the good guys, the HPH, PH.

Betty, what do you got?

When somebody is over generous, which actually this is the perfect speak pipe because I was literally talking about how my entire life I think I've been overly generous to the people around me.

When you're an overly, when you're an overly generous person, you are never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever expecting somebody to reciprocate in the way that you did.

You are doing it.

She is doing it because she, it makes her feel good too.

Like, don't get lost on it.

Like, her treating you to spas and lunches and all this stuff.

She she feels great about herself.

She feels great that she can do it.

She feels great that she's making you happy.

It's something that she wants to do for you.

I can't believe that you went to her and said, let's split it 50, 50 and that's your birthday gift.

What are you, nuts?

That's so me.

That's sick.

That's so me.

It's still sick, but like have some creativity, but you reciprocate in the way that you...

feel comfortable reciprocating as long as you do something.

Like if she's giving you this, you got to take her to dinner or you got to take her to whatever it may be, but you do not need to spend a thousand dollars.

You do not need to go tit for tat.

You just need to show her that you also care enough about her to carve out time and do something with her.

So, your friend's not expecting that.

You don't need to go dollar for dollar, in my opinion.

As long as you prioritize her for a certain period of time during the day on her birthday and make her feel special, that's all you need to do.

Maybe, maybe

you find a restaurant in your city with a tasting menu, okay?

An experience with a tasting menu.

Nothing crazy, maybe 175 a person.

We're netting out to 350 plus tax and tip.

We're talking 450.

Maybe you order a drink, maybe three,

600, and you're out.

You're 400 in the green.

You gave it some thought.

It's a nice time.

But to your point, Ben, I'll say.

For our wedding, for Paige and my wedding, the wonderful John Stamos and our dear friends, Glenn and Debbie.

Let's just say, Glenn and Debbie are doing all right, okay?

Doing all right.

Glenn and Debbie said, Come down to Las Ventanas.

This now, this is a this is no courtyard Marriott, okay?

And you know how I love the courtyard, yeah.

The courtyard's better.

We're trying to get ad dollars, Josh.

Glenn and Debbie aren't giving a squat.

The courtyard, Cabo.

But I mean, we went to Cabo with Glenn and Debbie.

They, I mean, our room was taken care of.

Dinners gorgeous.

The flight, I mean, it was, it was beyond in ways in which we could never reciprocate.

They, they gave us a, they had a private firework show on the beach for our, beyond, and so kind.

And I think we've since become very close friends, but I think they were partly doing it for how much they love John and their long relationship.

So it was, it was a wonderful time.

And Debbie had mentioned mentioned that she liked this thing in the gift store, like a throw or something.

Maybe it was in the room.

And Paige was like, that's in the gift store.

And I said, how much is it?

She's like, it's 600 bucks.

I said, just give it.

And I was like, great.

Now, a $600 thing is an amazing, lovely gift, especially that when someone just sort of offhandedly goes, oh, that's so cute.

But it was like, at least let us, and we paid for like a really nice big dinner over.

And it was like, well, we could do, but it was never going to equal what they spent you know but i think they appreciated it

a hundred percent you did the absolute right thing and that is the perfect example you can't always reciprocate dollar for dollar and honestly if you reciprocate dollar for dollar i'm going to take it a step further it then diminishes what they just did and almost makes it feel like you're now in a competition you're not in a competition for who's for who's going to spend more money on each other.

That shouldn't, that's not a friendship.

She's doing this because she wants to treat you to a spa day.

Okay.

And it does come out to a large sum of money, but she's not necessarily doing it because of that.

She had the idea of treating you to a massage.

If you now go and write her a thousand dollar check, it'll make a it'll diminish everything that she just did for you.

So, no, I

don't like classic.

That would be funny if they do the thousand dollar spa day, and then her present to her is a cashier's check for a thousand dollars

for a thousand dollars,

a money order,

yeah.

No good, no good, good.

That's so funny.

They meet up and she just hands her like a Western Union slip and you're like, I wired $1,000 into your Bank of America account.

You're right, well,

yeah, that you don't have any access to.

Good luck finding it.

It's more of a hassle.

There's nothing worse.

Have you ever had it where somebody like PayPals you, but to an email that you don't use?

And then all of a sudden the money's in limbo.

You don't have an account.

There's nothing there.

It's like, why didn't you ask me?

Just ask me.

It's crazy.

It's crazy.

It's crazy.

Another speak pipe?

Another speaker?

Let's do it.

Have you been sent the speak pipe?

Let's hear.

Hi, guys.

I'm one of your non-Jewish morons, but I've started identifying as Jewish since listening.

So, B-H-B-H-B-H.

You bring me so much joy and I need more episodes than just twice a week, guys.

Okay, I'll try to keep this brief.

Brevity is key.

I hope this isn't too personal or TMI, but I need some male advice.

My fiancé and I have been together three years and we're in a sex funk.

We've always had amazing, fun sex, but for the last almost year or so, he's just not with it.

He claims he has performance anxiety, which doesn't make any sense because I've never once complained and I've tried to help him get out of his head numerous ways.

It has become a huge issue at this point and the let's call them sessions are becoming less and less.

It's killing me as I'm extremely attracted to him.

And I'm also starting to get in my head that it's a me issue, even though he claims it isn't.

I mean, he'll literally have to stop a few minutes in, and that's that.

Have either of you guys dealt with this before?

I would love your advice if you have any.

Thank you.

Love you both so much.

Love you.

Can't relate.

Sorry.

Yeah.

No, yeah, definitely can't relate.

That said,

it sounds to me like you need to take a trip to the Galapagos with Ava and Bruce.

And you need to.

Is this your soft, your soft opening that your parents are swingers?

Is this your soft launch?

They're not swingers.

I wish they were.

No.

I think you need to teach.

Oh, my God.

I think you need to spice things up.

I wouldn't include a third person.

I was totally joking, but I think that you need to go to dinner.

Maybe you need to go on a vacation.

Maybe you need to, like, I know that you just want to like routinely scht up, but maybe he needs some of that young love back.

I don't know.

Like, go do something fun.

Don't only think about the canoodling.

And then maybe it will lead to the canoodling.

Maybe it's too much pressure on him to canoodle.

So like, give him some time and then he'll come back around.

That's it.

Guy, pull it together.

Your wife loves you, pull it together.

I think it's a him problem.

I've come all the way around, it's his problem, Josh.

I mean, there's certainly the small parts of my head, and tell me, Olivia, if I'm crazy, of like I worry that maybe there's something deeper going on, but I don't know.

You never know that it certainly could be a correlation there, but if it's lighter,

kind of an easy fix, and I have never needed this, but a dear friend of the show whose name I won't say

he said that he I was microdosing a little Viag

and having fun fun fun

yeah I'm sorry you said you don't care you said this is

but

We can cut cut out his name if we need to but yeah, and he just you know and and I've heard that from a couple other people where they were like it kind of because for better or for worse men have to show up, I think, in a way that

can feel a little bit more performance anxiety.

Maybe, perhaps I'm only speaking from the male perspective.

I don't know anything, but you know, I think that sometimes a little, a little pill can be helpful in that area, maybe just to get over the rough batch, to get out of his head.

Yeah, I think that you also, you brought up the, the worst case scenario for her in not too many words, but I think a middle case scenario might also be having having him get his testosterone checked.

Like there could also be like, there could be a medical problem here that's not just performance anxiety.

That's it also when it could be general anxiety.

Like anxiety also would make you have these problems.

Like maybe he's very stressed.

Does he have a, did his job change?

Like is there, are there external factors that would be contributing?

I would rule all of that stuff out.

Once you've ruled that stuff out, then it's his fault.

But I would check that stuff first, see if he's not like

medically imbalanced, I'll say.

Can I say the possibility is, is maybe

Has he become unsure or insecure about his ability in which to please her?

And maybe he's getting in his head about his performance.

Totally.

The only thing that makes me think that that's not true is that she said, I've never complained.

That said, just because you've never verbally complained doesn't mean he couldn't catch a cue where clearly if you're dissatisfied enough to come on a podcast

and air your grievances.

I think that perhaps you've given a hint or two along the way that you're dissatisfied.

Even if it wasn't verbally, even if it was in a dirty look, or if it was in a pause, or if it was in, he must be hearing your cues and reacting to them.

So that's another possibility.

Totally agree.

Totally.

And by the way, if you have a good dude, they're going as much off cues, in my opinion, as words, right?

They're not like,

well, you didn't say anything.

It's like, no, you should be in tune with your.

your partner's, you know, physicality,

their feelings, their, their breath, what they're saying, what they're not saying, and kind of open it up for them to hopefully feel like they can tell you what's going on.

Correct.

Open it up.

Yeah.

And I think, yeah, it's all, it's a very interesting little, there was something else I was going to say.

Oh, I don't know, Ben, if you'll feel comfortable commenting, but I'll keep it very vague.

But like,

I probably won't.

You would, but I also know your wife.

There can be times, like, have you had to get to, I think this is what it's about in, in having a mature relationship is that like, there are times where you will canoodle where like every now and then

your wife will say like, I'm just not going to get there this time.

Like it just, for whatever it is, like something's going on, good, bad, anything in between.

It's just like, this was great, but I might not.

And when I was younger, I used to take that as such an affront.

Like I used to be like, I didn't do my job.

And now I just go, God bless you.

We'll try again tomorrow.

I love you.

Good night.

Can I rub rub your feet?

You know?

Yeah.

Totally.

No, that's that.

Yeah, that's 100% a part of it of being a good husband.

Taking cues, not taking everything to heart, not everything.

It's such a big deal.

And you go to sleep and it's a new day.

Right.

It's just, yes, 100%.

100%.

Love it.

One more.

What are you nuts?

Hey, Josh and Ben.

Random question that I was just thinking about.

Not really advice question, more just out of curiosity.

What would you say is the character or personality trait that you admire and love most about one another?

Just thought it could be a cute little talking point.

Love you guys so much.

Thanks for bringing so much joy and laughter into our weeks.

Carring twice in one episode.

Wow,

this is an unexpected

what I admire

most about Josh.

We should have saved this for Valentine's Day.

Oh,

I want to come up with a really good one, so just give me a second.

I'm ready.

You're ready immediately?

Yeah, of course.

Okay, you go.

I'm in my feelings.

I'm off on Butrin.

Three months.

I think sometimes you take it as a negative, but it truly is something that I aspire to give my kids and something that I venerate in you, Ben, that I lack sometimes, which is that you do have an incredibly optimistic outlook on the world.

And you really, I think, look at things things, glasses half full.

And

I like the way that you approach people, places, and things.

And I think that having that kind of less cynical outlook puts you in a position to win.

And I love that you answer the emails that I don't want to answer.

Love you.

Thank you.

I love you more.

And what I will say to anybody that isn't an optimist, I wasn't always an optimist.

And people always joke, like, you always say, what are you in that?

And you look for the negative in things.

I do that because it's fun.

But in life, I really, I think it's a, it's much better to only see what could go right.

Everything's going to go wrong, but if you focus on what's right, I like living my life like that.

What you do, Josh, and I think that I, I noticed this about you for the first time when we had dinner at Parkside and then we went to Corona ICE.

And unfortunately, that guy gave us free ices, so we had to tip him a 20 instead of just giving him $10 in ices.

The way that you treat

people that you don't know is

really special.

You, specifically when it comes to staff, when it comes to fans, when it comes to,

you really make people feel special and you make them feel heard and you'll take a picture and you will be nice to them.

And I think that is a quality that not everybody has.

So I think you're very nice to strangers, which says a lot about you.

So.

All right.

Now, Olivia.

Olivia, I love your laugh.

I can't hear her.

Just say you love her laugh on top of all the other wonderful things about her.

Olivia, I love your laugh and the fact that you're from Ohio and that you think that flying was invented there.

That's what I...

And the bicycle.

Oh, that's what it was.

And the bicycle.

Yeah.

Yeah, sure it was.

Should we get to our winny nuts?

We should.

should our what do you nuts moment of the week our gripes with people places and things both big and small whatever's sticking in your craw all start there's a new car called the infiniti qx80 it's a beautiful gigantic suv for the family and the commercial the other day said the infiniti qx80 traveling privates better than commercial what's commercial for driving the bus yeah

a car kicks a bus's ass

all cars are private dog are we talking about Uber pool?

This is a funny ad.

What are you nuts?

Oh, sir.

Are you implying that Infinity is like flying private?

Like, get a grip.

Get a grip.

Like, you're not a Bentley.

Like,

that's nuts and really funny.

You're a Nissan in Nordstroms.

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah.

Hey, you're a Nissan in Nordstrom.

Oh, that's funny.

My what are you nuts is like a little Seinfeldy?

What's the deal with brooms?

I think brooms are a what of nuts.

We've made the vacuum.

The vacuum is sufficient.

We no longer need to sweep into a pail, miss some spots, pick it up, throw it in the trash.

We invented the we invented the solution, Josh, the vacuum cleaner.

We no longer need brooms.

I think they're a whate of nuts.

That's it.

And even for the little top, you're going to say, I need the little handbrush or whatever, the small, I don't know what do you call it, broom.

It's not a handbrush.

You have the little shark ninja.

You have that item, that small vacuum.

We've invented it.

We no longer need the broom.

It's archaic.

What's with the broom?

Shout out, shark.

Better than Dyson, in my opinion.

Way better.

Better vacuum.

Shark.

Shark makes wonderful stuff, as does Ninja.

Shark Ninja, this is a company.

This is a sick company.

Creamy.

This is Ninja Cream.

Send me an electric grill because I need an electric grill.

Yeah.

We'll talk about that on another episode, but I'm getting an electric grill.

Josh, this episode has been five stars.

Otherwise, what are you nuts?

As we mentioned, leave us a review, a five-star review.

Write something nice and we'll read it.

Write something long and we'll really read it.

Regardless, we'll read it though, and we'll read it out loud if it's really something special.

Listen to us wherever you get your podcasts.

Watch us on YouTube.

Watch us on YouTube in addition, okay?

Throw it on in the background.

It's no big deal.

Share our clips.

Instagram and TikTok, folks, Mondays and Thursdays.

We will see you

next time.

Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services.

Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.