Kathy Griffin is on Tinder and the No-Fly List

Speaker 1 The following podcast is a DR Media production.

Speaker 1 the good guys.

Speaker 1 Whoa. Mazamarons, welcome back to the Good Guys podcast.
I'm sitting here with living legend, Kathy Griffin, and she's on the dating apps.

Speaker 1 Yes, I, Kathy Griffin, am on the dating apps because I was dared by, you know, the singer Sia, Chandelier, Unstoppable.

Speaker 1 So I was at her house with Nia Vardalis from the My Big Frat Greek wedding franchise. So she's got some dough.
Not much you too.

Speaker 2 My daughter marries Ian Miller.

Speaker 1 Exactly. See?

Speaker 1 And they dared me to go on the apps.

Speaker 1 And then they filled out my forms for me because Sia just grabbed my phone and she goes, Give me the phone. I know you better than you know yourself.
So what do you like?

Speaker 1 And then she goes, Dinner parties because she's Australian. And then dinner parties.
Exactly. And then whenever I would answer a question honestly, Nia would scream, too honest, too scary.

Speaker 1 So, what was was too honest? Well, I would say, well, I say my real age, I'm 64. With this banging body, by the way, is ridiculous.
Let's just ridiculous. Can I be inappropriate? Yes.
Wow. Wow.

Speaker 1 Crushing it. Better shoot.

Speaker 1 Me too. He might ogle.
He might ogle.

Speaker 1 I would hope so because I wore a pee, what's this called? A peekaboo, so you can see my cleavage. Wow.
So I'm doing, I am working all the angles on the apps, off the apps in real life.

Speaker 1 I work out two hours a day day like a beast wow oh okay see neo would say that she would say don't tell men you're a beast see i don't being a comic i think too much like a dude so you want to you want to but i like the dick so that's where i'm screwed where if i was gay i would probably be happy but I still like the dick.

Speaker 1 And so I have to try to become more feminine. But after decades of being a comic, I'm used to the dudes.
Like I hang out with dudes.

Speaker 2 Yeah, just find a nice, feminine, straight guy.

Speaker 1 Me and Josh. It's us.
It's us.

Speaker 1 You need a nice baby. You two are the two that got away.
Like, when I say, like, who are the two that got away? Listen, let's go with them. Who needs a two-year-old?

Speaker 1 Listen, our wives are.

Speaker 1 monsters, but they love us. Stop saying wives.
It's triggering. And also, I just want to, I want you to know, I'm not positive I'm not being trafficked right now.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 I think between the apps and we we talked for one second before this everybody we were going to talk money yeah and i do have money and then also nia said that's very triggering for men you can't say like you have no debt you paid for your house cash like whatever but you can look up anything on the internet about me so i'm at a great disadvantage and i'm afraid to be catfished so right before i got here i made a guy do a zoom with me to make sure he was really the guy he is in this picture because I've watched every episode of Catfish.

Speaker 1 There's over 300 episodes. No kidding.
Niamh is inexhaustible. We've just had him on the pot.
We did. And he can dance.

Speaker 1 He was very good on dancing with the stars as well.

Speaker 1 I see a nice husband.

Speaker 1 Let's create the perfect husband for

Speaker 1 Miss Cliff. Should we do like a list or?

Speaker 1 Yeah, let's

Speaker 1 create the traits.

Speaker 2 I was going to say, let's first paint the picture and then we can assign it to a person.

Speaker 1 Okay, now do we pick like what he does for a living, maybe? Everything. Other than one caffeine.
Well, I'm just saying he has to have a job in health insurance. Is that, is my bar too high?

Speaker 1 No, it's he might have, he might have to do being your plus one for a living. Right.

Speaker 1 No,

Speaker 1 she said she's loaded. You want somebody loaded? Let's start there.
You want somebody loaded?

Speaker 1 I have never been taken on a vacation in my life. I have taken guys to Bali.
I have taken my men to Hawaii and stayed at the Britney Spears suite, which your older audiences will know.

Speaker 1 And I have done it up. And now I've been the sugar mama and I'm ready for the guy to pick up every tab.
You don't have to pay any of my bills, but I want you to pick up every tab when we go out.

Speaker 1 And I would like to be taken on a fancy vacation.

Speaker 2 Great. So, Josh, first

Speaker 1 of all, for 40 years. What are you thinking?

Speaker 1 What's a nice vacation? Are we thinking Morongo Casino, an Indian casino, maybe? No, I have played Morongo many times.

Speaker 1 I have played the nickel slots, and I've been the headliner at Morongo many times.

Speaker 1 But I, all right, so here's my question. How old are you? I'm 38.
Okay, how old are you?

Speaker 2 33.

Speaker 1 Okay, why is it that guys my age, 64, never ask me out, but guys your age asked me out?

Speaker 2 That's an interesting question. I'm not sure.

Speaker 1 I haven't been asked out by a guy my own age since I first got on a regular television series when I was 35.

Speaker 1 Like it stopped overnight with guys my age. They were like, nope, they want Svetlana, who's just moved here from Estonia.
And then you look like Svetlana that just moved in from Estonia.

Speaker 1 What are you doing?

Speaker 1 This is Estonia Svetlana with $100 million.

Speaker 1 But I don't need your money to start my fake skincare line because these older dudes with money always have to pay for the new girl's handbag line. Yeah.
Or like they have to like get her started.

Speaker 1 And I'm already started. Yeah.
But guys your age, tell me why. Why would a guy your age ask me out?

Speaker 1 I mean, I don't want to go full Freudian and say there's a mother complex, but maybe we've had like these domineering mothers, so we're not threatened

Speaker 1 by strong female energy.

Speaker 2 I think that anything younger than 30.

Speaker 1 Oh, no. I was going to say 45 should be as young as I could.
Okay. Okay.
I like that.

Speaker 1 I guess they say half your age plus seven. So we're talking 32 plus 39 and above.
Okay, so 45. I'm just, I'm going to stick to 45 because,

Speaker 1 you know,

Speaker 1 they're less likely to have like little kids. But do you want similar references? Like, are you really going to talk about Colombo? No.
I need to talk about Colombo. So young.

Speaker 1 Okay, okay. But I do like to talk about Colombo.

Speaker 1 You know, the original and then the remake and all the Columbo. We all love Peter Fox.
Sure.

Speaker 1 And I have always had a thing for older people. Like, I don't know if you guys know this, but I'm very proud about this.

Speaker 1 I talk about this on my little YouTube show called Kathy Griffin Talk Your Head Off every Tuesday on YouTube. So good.
And I have so much fun doing it. And it's just a blast.

Speaker 1 But anyway, I have these parties that you're both invited to, and they're called salon parties. And they're basically just a dinner party with no phones allowed at the table.

Speaker 1 But let me tell you, you really get to know somebody if you just put the freaking phone away for two seconds and you look each other in the eye.

Speaker 1 And first you have to go around the table and introduce yourself because don't assume just because you're famous, everyone knows who you are.

Speaker 1 Like if I invited some obscure surgeon, they may not know your body of work. So I cast it like a dinner party.

Speaker 1 And guess who the first, this is back in the day, the first time I had one of these parties, guess who was the guest of honor? You're gonna you're you ready yeah sydney poitier

Speaker 1 wow so you're right a guy unreal will a 45 year old guy get how cool that is or will he not get that if they're if they know what's up right

Speaker 1 that's what i need they have to it's got to be a younger guy that knows what's up i mean

Speaker 2 it needs to be a younger guy that knows what's up it needs to be a younger guy that can still hold this cool in a very impressive room okay somebody that isn't going to go and gawk over your celebrity dinner.

Speaker 1 No, that was Sidney would not have liked that. He was like a mellow guy.

Speaker 1 No, he wants to be treated as a normal kid.

Speaker 1 You know who else came to that dinner? No, I'm just bragging. Don Rickles.
Oh, no.

Speaker 1 Because Sidney laughed so hard at everything Don said. And Don gave Sidney so much shit, which nobody else did.
Of course, people go like this.

Speaker 1 And he was so happy to be in a room where Don Rickles was making fun of everything he did. And all Sydney had to do was sit there and be Sydney.
But you're right.

Speaker 1 If I was on a date and some guy was like, Sydney, who? I would be kind of like, you don't know what's up. It's a tough one.
No, you need someone who can honor all that. I see someone in their mid-40s.

Speaker 1 Okay. I'm trying to think of what would be like, maybe they're like an oral hygienist.

Speaker 1 Okay. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Maybe they're a registered nurse. Maybe they, maybe they own a dentist.

Speaker 1 Maybe you get from taking her on vacation to eating a modern hygienist? I'm going to go to $15,000 a night. To an oral hygienist.
I mean,

Speaker 1 low six figures.

Speaker 1 What about the guy that owns like three dentist offices himself? Like, what about that?

Speaker 1 Let's think partner-in-law firm.

Speaker 1 Because I do love my leader.

Speaker 2 CEO, Josh, tech CEO. We're taking somebody.
This is somebody. We need cream of the crop.
We need craps money. Okay.
Throwing, yeah, multiple nights at Aman. Okay.

Speaker 1 You want to to join the aman members club in new york poof kathy no problem it's done consider done he knows what's up he's getting and i know that makes him shallow and he's very shallow of course i don't even know if she'll understand the level of i mean i like that i'm married to a 64 year old billionaire did you not know that my god yes I wanted

Speaker 1 Sherry Redstone. Is that her name? Yes.
Yes. She just came into a couple Billy when she sold off Paramount for the nuts.
She ran it into the ground. Doesn't she have a brother?

Speaker 1 I want your research team to find out who. Oh, this is Sumner's dead.
This is just pitiful. This research team you have going in here.
There's a kid who's smoking pot over there.

Speaker 1 He looks like he plays a lot of video games. And then there's some poor woman who was afraid to wear high heels because you guys make her run around all day.

Speaker 1 And I just don't know about this research team. I know.
My assistant is here shaking.

Speaker 1 He's got a a tremor from me. He's very well put together, your assistant.
He better be.

Speaker 1 He's got a nice, you know, he's presenting a nice jacket because on my two-hour walk that I do every day, like a psycho, sometimes I ask him to join me. And it's a, it's a no-joke walk.

Speaker 1 It's like a real hike. Are you a steps queen too? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I see, I'm, I'm your perfect man. Okay.

Speaker 1 Okay. I think that's true.
And so the good ones really are good. They're all, they are really gay or married.
That cliche is true. I'm like, I'm worth low eight figures, very low.
Very low. Okay.

Speaker 1 But I

Speaker 1 don't love it, but

Speaker 1 okay. All right.
Ben, how much debt does he have?

Speaker 2 Josh has negative debt.

Speaker 1 This is really debts, debts. I can't rate you, but like, I'm high-fiving you so hard right now.
Thank you.

Speaker 1 Okay. How much debt does Ben have? No, he's there's a Yiddish word that I know you know, Kathy.
What? Ungerstadt.

Speaker 1 This kid, he's ungerst. That sounds like I fucked him.
It sounds like I just lost him. We're gonna ungerstap later.
I might.

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Speaker 5 Have you ever heard the saying, tell me what you eat and I will tell you who you are? I'm Katie Lee Beagle and I'm food obsessed.

Speaker 5 Tune into my podcast, All on the Table, and get to know celebrities, bold-faced names, and industry insiders in an all-new way as they share the ingredients that make their recipe for life.

Speaker 5 I want to know it all, from the favorite childhood birthday cake to the breakfast they eat every day, an engagement meal in Paris, or a guilty pleasure fast food indulgence.

Speaker 5 You can tell a lot about a person by what's in their fridge. And hey, everybody's got to eat.
Make sure to tune in every Thursday and follow so we can devour every last morsel together.

Speaker 5 We're putting it all on the table.

Speaker 1 So, wait, you're telling me that I'm in a room with two heterosexual males, iffy, fluently,

Speaker 1 who have no debt. None.
Okay, this is way better than online dating. All I have to do is break up two marriages, which I've done in my sleep.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 So I don't know why we're continuing the podcast when we really should just be looking at houses. A throuple.
Thank you.

Speaker 2 Or we could start a TV show, Josh, The Five of Us. Yes.
Me, you, Paige, Claudia, and Kathy.

Speaker 1 So that's it.

Speaker 1 I wouldn't hate being a sister wife because, you know, I go on the road a lot. Yes.
So the other sister wives could kind of fill in when I'm at Planet Hollywood, November 8th. And

Speaker 1 when I'm back on the road, the other sister wives come in because you two love to yap. You two are like a couple of chicks in the hen house.
Orientis.

Speaker 1 Oh my God. You're headlining Morongo.
I'm at the outlets. I'm FaceTiming you.
I'm like, I'm at, you know, I'm at the coach store. You're like, Josh, I don't want any babies.

Speaker 1 You know, I'm like, all right.

Speaker 1 By the way, I love that you see.

Speaker 1 I would be like, Josh, I thought you were rich. What are you doing?

Speaker 1 Kathy doesn't want anything. I'm like, okay, I'll call you when I'm at Yves St.
Laurent. Call me when you're at YSL.
Call me when you're at Fendi. But the point is, I care about you and your feelings.

Speaker 1 Yes. And then I'm here.
I'm doing the penny slots. I'm like, Kathy, you know, the lines out the door.
And I'm like, I'm about to do my closer.

Speaker 1 I have 20 more minutes in my set, and I'll just meet you with the Fendi boxes. Oh, I have a fun celebrity story that I shouldn't tell.
My favorite time.

Speaker 1 I was at a hotel in New York, and I get off the elevator, and there's just a ton of bodyguards for whoever is at the other end of the hall. Because let's cut the crap.

Speaker 1 When you're in the room at the end of the hall,

Speaker 1 it's the nice suite. Okay, so I'm at one end and the other end, and all I see is they're bringing up Hermes bags, Fendi bags, Farragamo bags.

Speaker 1 It was that dude, and I'm not even really, I can't even name one song. His name, and this can't be his government name, but he goes by the name of Post Malone.

Speaker 1 Have you heard of this guy? Oh, of course.

Speaker 1 Okay, what's the story? And why is he going to Hermes? Is it for his

Speaker 1 woman wife? I don't know.

Speaker 1 Is it for himself?

Speaker 2 I know that he's not married. I think that he might be dating.
He is. I've been told.

Speaker 1 I've never seen so many Hermes bags in my life. Like they were piling up and his bodyguards were trying to keep them on both arms.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 First of all, I've been told that he's the nicest guy in all of of music.

Speaker 1 Yes, I heard him on, I heard him on Stern once, and he won me over his personality, but I don't know his music.

Speaker 2 He's second rapper, then country.

Speaker 1 Okay. He's

Speaker 1 got a country fashion line now.

Speaker 2 Okay. So maybe he, I think he's just a fashionista.

Speaker 1 Okay. What about Kathy Malone? Love that.
And it sounds like someone who was just kidnapped. Yeah.
You know? Or a drink. I'll have a Kathy Malone.

Speaker 1 Like, I just got an Amber alert, like little Kathy Malone

Speaker 1 was seated in Dodge Caroline.

Speaker 1 galvo store

Speaker 1 i had so post malone who was a fan of my show that i did when i was a kid reached out to me on twitter oh said

Speaker 1 i missed the old twitter by the way just shout out to the old twitter prior elon when you could actually dm someone fun and they really were that person and you could like actually communicate with them and then i like you i actually made some real life friends on dm twitter go ahead well he he wrote me and he was like we should get dinner I said, sure, boss, Maroon.

Speaker 1 And we went to the rainbow room on sunset. I mean, that's iconic.

Speaker 1 Iconic. My wife is eight months pregnant.
We're sitting there. And by the way, speaking of, already I could tell, and he wasn't super famous yet, overordered.
Way too much.

Speaker 1 Like wine or like... No, too many apps.
Crazy. And that's coming from me.
Okay. So I could tell

Speaker 1 you a lot of buyer. Okay.
So when he went to Air Mez, he just went crazy. Yeah.
Okay. Loves stuff.
Okay. And I'll never forget this.

Speaker 1 And it was just so cute because he was like literally maybe 23 and he's sitting there. My wife's pregnant.
And he's, you know, but he's probably about 10 feet away. And he lights up a cigarette.

Speaker 1 And I looked at him and I said, post. And I kind of like just

Speaker 1 and he went, oh, and he ran to the other side of the restaurant. He was so like embarrassed and he would even.
Didn't put it out in your hand. I know.

Speaker 1 That would have been weird. First.
Or in order or right in your belly. It's Danny.
Yeah, right, Dan. Good old Dan.
No, this is this Ben. Do you know how lucky I am to have a podcast with this Ben?

Speaker 1 No, of course not. That's a big mocker.
She doesn't, she doesn't know Joe. I don't know.
Macher, I know. Big mocker.
I know. Okay, what is his money in? Is he like an oil man? Is he a tech schmuck?

Speaker 1 What's going on? Better. A comb booze.
Oil tech booze. So he's the Bethany Frankel of podcasters.
Yeah. But, but.
And his wife is the bigger Bethany Frankl of podcasting. I mean, how did Dan score?

Speaker 1 Yeah, long time ago. What guess his game? Guess his height.
6'3. Yeah, exactly right.
How'd you know that? Because women are weird about size queens. Women are weird size queens about that.

Speaker 1 I'm 5'3, so it doesn't matter to me if a guy's like 5'7, but like... or 5'6.
If I'm 5'5, you could be fine with me. But how did he, what was his? Is that true?

Speaker 1 Yeah, because like even in heels, I'm still only 5'6.

Speaker 1 Okay,

Speaker 1 what is his game? Like, how did he bag the big fish?

Speaker 1 This kid. Because

Speaker 1 I'll be honest, I don't get it. I don't get it right now.
This kid is a real...

Speaker 1 This kid's a real mensch. Okay.
He's a sweetie. So you did it the old-fashioned way, actually being so nice.
You niced her to death. He's gorgeous.

Speaker 2 I niced her to death at 20. That's it.
That was the key. We met so early.

Speaker 1 You got in early. So you got in before the rush.

Speaker 1 Before the rush.

Speaker 1 They gotta gotten it.

Speaker 2 Nothing rose together. That's the key.
That's the key, Kathy.

Speaker 1 Now you're thinking to yourself, does this guy want me for my money? Yes, of course. Because I have money.
Of course I do.

Speaker 2 And he's thinking, does she want me for my money? Or does she really love me? It's much harder. It was ground floor.

Speaker 1 That's it. Okay, do you guys have appreciation?

Speaker 2 We don't.

Speaker 1 We don't. Well, if you both have money, that's not as disturbing to me as it would have been.

Speaker 1 If you did, if one of you.

Speaker 1 But you're saying the wife has has more money. Oh, yeah.
Well, she's a massive, we call her little Kathy because she's one of the biggest podcasters in the game. Yes, and Derek.

Speaker 2 And a comic. We should link the two of them.
She's a great stand-up comic, too.

Speaker 1 You should really be on her podcast. I would like to be on her podcast because I'm wasting my time.

Speaker 1 And also, maybe she knows a guy who's single because, once again, I'm surrounded by merry guys and a pothead.

Speaker 1 What do your prenups look like with your past husbands? Iron Titan. Iron Clad.
Iron Clad.

Speaker 1 I mean,

Speaker 1 I go to Venable. I don't fuck around.

Speaker 1 And I have so many lawyers. You guys, I've been sued seven times since the Trump decapitated head picture.
Seven

Speaker 1 times

Speaker 1 by pissed off Trumpers. We don't have to, you know, belabor it, but do you want to talk about it? No, we can talk about that.
You don't mind.

Speaker 1 We should, because it's honestly, it's the first thing that comes up in interviews that I do. And I'm now used to talking about it.
So like,

Speaker 1 fire away. So you took this.
And that's not a death threat to say fire away discretion of speech.

Speaker 1 Agent Tracy Lash, if you're listening, Agent Tracy Lash, you don't need to come to the house again. Anyone from the U.S.

Speaker 1 Attorney's Office who's listening, I was investigated by two agencies within the DOJ.

Speaker 1 They were trying to charge me with the crime of conspiracy to assassinate the president of the United States. I was on the no-fly list.

Speaker 1 I was on the Interpol list, which is the international version of the no-fly list. And I was on the Five Eyes list, which is the ISIS terror watch list.
Wow.

Speaker 1 Because they pushed the narrative that I was the queen of ISIS. And take a look at me.
Who would doubt that for a minute? Because ISIS is recruiting a lot of Reba lookalikes. And here I am

Speaker 1 going to Syria, in the camps, training night and day.

Speaker 2 You know, by the way, those are eligible men with more money than you.

Speaker 1 I was there.

Speaker 1 Somebody is, you know, you could headline.

Speaker 1 I can still gig. You could headline Fallujah.
Yes. Yes.

Speaker 1 I actually have done stand-up in Iraq and Afghanistan as well. Really?

Speaker 1 Yes. Which, by the way, prior to the Trump photo bought me no goodwill.

Speaker 1 Like when the Trump photo happened, the military turned on me immediately, even though I had actually gone to performed under fire in war zones.

Speaker 1 You know, there was one, when I went to Iraq, it was on my former TV show, Kathy Griffin, My Life on the D-List, which you can watch on Peacock if you want to. The original, one of the great

Speaker 1 shows ever groundbreaking.

Speaker 1 Laid the groundwork for all reality TV we've had over the last 15 years. It was so real.
I don't think that anybody would even let me do a show that real.

Speaker 1 Like, I mean, they just freaking followed me around for six months, hoping I would do crazy shit. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And I went to Afghanistan off camera and that was very moving and all the things you would think and scary.

Speaker 1 But then they said, would you go back to Iraq and and bring the crew and i said yes because so many of the men and women over there when i went to afghanistan it would break my heart they would come up to me and say go home and don't let america forget that we're here

Speaker 1 and so i was like if i can bring my dinky little shit reality show and it was i think i think it was like two cameramen, one producer, one sound guy. I mean, we were lean and mean.

Speaker 1 So you put out this photo where you're posing with this fake severed head. Yeah, it's a Halloween mask of Donald Trump, which anybody can get.
I put ketchup all over it.

Speaker 1 I had taken a bunch of wacky photos that day. Yes.
And none of the other ones, of course, got any play because there was one where I was like spoofing Kim Kardashian.

Speaker 1 I used to live next door to Kim and Kanye. And I mean, next door, like we shared a wall.
Right. Like it was heaven.
Well, this was the good times, right? This was the salad days.

Speaker 1 This was the good times.

Speaker 1 Although he was at that ranch a lot, but she was a dream and they only had two of the kids at the time. And she was the perfect neighbor.

Speaker 1 And ironically, my neighbor on the other side of that house was a big Trumper.

Speaker 1 And he would.

Speaker 1 After the Trump picture blew up, he would stand in his yard with his friends and scream, you fucking cunt, you fucking bitch. Trump's put the heat on you.
now it's war you fucking bald

Speaker 1 and I had shaved my head in solidarity with my sister because she had cancer so he decided to call me a bald dick on top of all the other things and then I had to go through a four-day temporary restraining order hearing because I think the judge was how shall I say not a fan of mine

Speaker 1 and that was scary so I moved not because of Kim and Kanye who were a breeze but because of the CEO next door who was a Trumper.

Speaker 1 And every time I drove home, I'd be like shaking because I didn't know if he'd be like

Speaker 1 out there or yelling shit. And I put walls up and I bought every kind of tree you can legally buy.
And I was, I built the wall, unlike someone else.

Speaker 1 And he just, he kept suing me even after I moved to Malibu. And now I live in Malibu and I love it.

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Speaker 1 so do you think we I'd love to hear and Ben tell me like so you post a photo tell me about the 24 hours after how quickly do things start falling apart well you know I'm so used to getting in trouble that when I got a call from some journalist had my number from, but from like the Times or something legit and like the New York Times.

Speaker 1 And I remember saying, how'd you get my number? First of all, like my real number.

Speaker 1 And they were asking me about the picture and they wanted to know the TikTok, meaning how did your day start and how did it end up with you holding a bloody Halloween mask?

Speaker 1 And I was just talking to him. And then

Speaker 1 had the TV on CNN because I was watching CNN all the time at that moment.

Speaker 1 And I saw on the ticker that I had been fired from New Year's Eve, which I used to do every New Year's Eve with Anderson Cooper for 10 years.

Speaker 1 And that was a four and a half hour live broadcast, which I loved, by the way. I had so much fun doing that gig.
So I was like,

Speaker 1 I'll talk to you later.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 it just blew up. And then my lawyers started calling and they said, you're being investigated by the Secret Service.
So this is within like six hours of book events.

Speaker 1 And then Senator Al Franken called me and said, I know you're supposed to host two book events for me, but I can't be seen with you. What were you thinking?

Speaker 1 And then I got a call from a former publicist of mine who wasn't even my publicist, who said, American service members are going to get beheaded in your name.

Speaker 1 And ISIS is going to use you, Kathy Griffin, in their recruiting materials. And that's what the White House is pushing out.

Speaker 1 And it just got bigger and bigger. And so I had to lawyer up.
And I had to get different kinds of lawyers. So I had to get a criminal attorney, my First Amendment attorney, who was the best.

Speaker 1 He used to represent Larry Flint, the porn guy. Sure.
And there's a movie called The People versus Larry Flint.

Speaker 1 And he's actually portrayed by Edward Norton in the movie that starred Woody Harrelson and Courtney Love.

Speaker 1 And so he was my First Amendment guy, and he was very helpful in keeping me out of jail because they called, the Secret Service called my lawyers every day to try to get me to do a perp walk.

Speaker 1 Because what they wanted, they said, the White House wants aerial footage of us taking you in the plastic handcuffs into the federal building in Westwood, California.

Speaker 1 And so much traffic getting there, too.

Speaker 1 I can't be sitting there on wheelchair for hours. I mean,

Speaker 1 and I'm not taking an Uber. They could be working for the other team.
That's where I got my passport. It's thank you.
It's forever.

Speaker 1 You certainly don't want to kill a president. And so,

Speaker 1 you know, I

Speaker 1 just kept thinking this is going to blow over in a matter of minutes because we're in this crazy news cycle. And then Trump himself tweeted about it.
I've known the Donald for many years.

Speaker 1 I used to run into him at every NBC Universal event. He would go to the opening of an envelope.
If you think I'm D-list, he was E-list.

Speaker 1 And I would just make fun of him. I was on two episodes of The Apprentice.
I was never a cast member, but he called me once to go roast him at Bedminster. Yes.
He called me. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And I go, Donald, I don't want to drive to Jersey to your dumb golf course.

Speaker 1 And he goes, I'll give you $10,000.

Speaker 1 thousand dollars and i go well my number's fifty and he did wow can i ask like and obviously now that we've seen it this this is something that could never have happened but

Speaker 1 a week in six months in some some interconnector between because you know like trump is weirdly quick to forgive too in in certain yes like the rudy giulianis and his inner circle elon they fight but then they make up if someone had reached out to you and said i can get in his ear, like I can talk to him.

Speaker 1 Like, do you want me to see if he'll just have a, have an aside with you? I'm sure you wouldn't

Speaker 1 early on. I'm saying would you have even,

Speaker 1 in fact, my only regret with that whole incident is for one day I was given very bad advice by a lawyer that I had one bad experience with one of my lawyers. The rest of them are geniuses.

Speaker 1 They're really brilliant. And she suggested I apologize

Speaker 1 because

Speaker 1 imagine if someone had invoked my name during, God forbid, an American service member being hurt in any way. I don't care if they got a scratch.

Speaker 1 If anyone ever said, I'm doing this because of Kathy Griffin, having been in Iraq and Afghanistan and face to face with these young men and women. That would have killed me.

Speaker 1 So I did make the mistake of apologizing for one day,

Speaker 1 and that's just been weaponized against me. And so, like their team, I now double down on that photo.
I'm now proud of it. I think that it will certainly live on.

Speaker 1 The great Jane Fonda said, this is going to be on your tombstone, kid.

Speaker 1 And she's right. And so that's why I talk about it because I know people want to ask, and it's an unprecedented thing.
It's never happened to a civilian in this country, much less a comedian.

Speaker 1 Well, I know it's so meaningful, but I think the only thing that might

Speaker 1 be a little more meaningful are the facelifts.

Speaker 1 I mean, can we transition? Three. I've had three facelifts.

Speaker 1 I mean, I have been paparazzied on my daily walk, and it's so great because I didn't know everyone reads the Daily Mail. Everyone reads, I think they think it's their actual mail.
Sure.

Speaker 1 And page six in the New York Post, Murdoch owned. But I'm just going to be honest.

Speaker 1 Just, if you're listening or watching this, imagine you're at the height of a workout and someone takes a close-up of your face.

Speaker 1 Not the most flattering photos, and then they always put aside of me like now where I have fake eyelashes on. I've got a little magic hair in.
Some of this hair grew out of my head.

Speaker 1 Some of it came from a gay man. And so, a gay donor.

Speaker 1 And so, you know, I have to just laugh because I've decided that it means I'm famous, that I'm getting, they call it papped, paparazzi photography, as you know, the lingo. Yeah.
Fen and so

Speaker 1 the facelift, when I decided to talk about it on my little YouTube show, took off.

Speaker 1 I mean, I thought that doctor was going to propose. He was so excited.
So, yes, I also think foolishly, every actress or woman is going to talk about having their face work, but no, it's not.

Speaker 1 It's just me. How recent and a couple others, a couple others.
How recent was the three months ago? Wow.

Speaker 1 Not a scratch. No, I got to say.
Wow. And I am no beauty, but she did a good job.
Dan. No, I can tell.
No, you look damn. You look wonderful.
You would look. You look wonderful, Catherine.

Speaker 1 Catherine, you look fantastic. Being best friends with

Speaker 1 Joan.

Speaker 1 Call her Diane. I said, Catherine.

Speaker 2 Being best friends with Joan Rivers. Do you ever have second thoughts going into surgery about

Speaker 1 what can go wrong with you? Let me say this. Let me say this.

Speaker 2 Potentially elective.

Speaker 1 Okay, I'm going to be serious for a minute.

Speaker 1 I loved her like a sister, like a mother, like an aunt, like a cousin. I just, I loved every minute I spent with her.

Speaker 1 I think

Speaker 1 being

Speaker 1 the only woman of that stature in comedy, remember, it was moms Maybely, Phyllis Diller, Joan, like for years.

Speaker 1 It wasn't like then a bunch of women came along and Joan kept saying, I thought after Phyllis being the only one and after moms being the only one, like there'd be this groundswell and all that.

Speaker 1 I actually think when you're a chick comedian, they just go for your looks. Like my comments from Trumpers are just about my dry vagina, which I don't have.
You're welcome. And

Speaker 1 how ugly I am.

Speaker 1 And I think that's probably why Joan did so much because she was really pretty. She,

Speaker 1 you know, I think after hearing that day in and day out, like, I remember I'm from a generation where these agents thought nothing back in the day of saying stuff like, Yeah,

Speaker 1 they loved your audition, but they're going to go attractive. Sorry.
Or, oh, I have that. Yeah, you with a nose job, you might have a chance, but you know, so I went and got a nose job.

Speaker 1 I've had too Jewish.

Speaker 1 okay okay that's oh yeah we're not supposed to do that anymore i know i but they do but now they go or then then for a while when they were hip to that they'd be like more they're going for more all-american and i'm like i'm like what do you mean

Speaker 1 because who are we fooling yeah i know when they say that i just go i this is as attractive as i get sorry but i'm done with my attractiveness

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Speaker 1 Well, what do you think? Because we had the great Terry Dubrow on famous plastic surgeon from Botch.

Speaker 1 And he, we actually talked about the surgery with Joan, and he said, you have to be careful when you're famous because

Speaker 1 when having a surgery, sometimes they don't want to risk doing anything that could. He's like, in that moment, they should have created a tracheotomy, immediately opened up the airway.

Speaker 1 But they were probably nervous that we caused a scarf.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 And I don't know. Melissa, her daughter, knows all these details because she had to go through the horrible lawsuit.
And she and her mom were so close.

Speaker 1 And Joan really lived for Melissa and Melissa's son, Cooper. And

Speaker 1 the fact that they did that procedure in an office, I think is,

Speaker 1 my guess is that if Joan had been at a hospital, she would still be with us. Unreal.
Unreal.

Speaker 1 And also when you're doing face work and you're on weekly television, people forget Fashion Police was every week.

Speaker 1 And then they did a lot of extra shows like Super Bowl Fashion Week, Fashion Police, Fashion Week Fashion Police, Academy Awards, Fashion Police.

Speaker 1 So she, Joan, and like me, Joan didn't like taking time off. So when you're getting that work done, you have to let yourself have like six weeks where you kind of settle.

Speaker 1 Now, I heard you say on a pod the other day that someone like the guy who did Chris Jenner's facelift,

Speaker 1 that some people are able to charge upwards of a million dollars. I hear that there's six or seven guys now in Beverly Hills that are getting

Speaker 1 a million a facelift from these broads. Wow, wow.
See, I'm just such a money person.

Speaker 1 I can't bring myself to do it. It's, it's maybe the best guy.
I mean, but what I love about my D-list life is I went to Chris Jenner's last guy. Smart.

Speaker 1 Not the million ponytail, because they do this thing now called the ponytail, where they I don't know if they shave your head on top or what, but they pull your whole face up as if you were putting yourself in a high ponytail, like Dan has done many times in secret.

Speaker 1 Sure, in secret, I have, and he's allowed to have his own life. We have our peccadillos, thank you, yeah.
And that one's called the ponytail, and that's what Chris got.

Speaker 1 But I went to her last guy, but it was not cheap. You ready? Give it

Speaker 1 218,000. Hell yeah.

Speaker 1 by the way five he's clearly jewish 218 kai absolutely a thousand percent no question

Speaker 1 he's jewish colleague

Speaker 1 because it's not appropriate if i say it no

Speaker 1 he he out he added himself no question yeah and you know that do you know how many dick jokes i have to tell for two hundred eighteen thousand dollars i have to do at least two shows that

Speaker 1 that's such a jewish beaten switch too because they're like

Speaker 1 cathala

Speaker 1 don't think about the 200. No.
This 18,000 means so much. This is the one that takes it home.

Speaker 1 That's unreal.

Speaker 1 I like that you like talking about money because the great Robbie Hoffman says, this whole idea of like not talking about it is how the rich keep the poor people. Yes.
Is Dan into QAnon at all? No.

Speaker 1 Are you sure? Alan, I am QAnon.

Speaker 1 I am QAnon.

Speaker 2 Colleen, let me know.

Speaker 1 Can we talk about it? I knew it.

Speaker 2 Can we talk about Andy Cohen at all?

Speaker 1 Sure.

Speaker 2 Or we hate him too much to talk about it.

Speaker 1 Look,

Speaker 1 he won. He won the game of life.
He's the executive there. He's probably why I'm not there anymore.
He decides who the housewives are and who they're not. He's got a nightly show.

Speaker 1 I will say, it is interesting to me that never in the history of television has the guy who decides what shows are on the air given himself a show that gets magically picked up every year while other shows get canceled?

Speaker 1 That's a new one on me.

Speaker 1 But he was a difficult boss when I was doing my life on the D-list.

Speaker 1 I think that my part of it was I was too direct. And I think I thought I could talk like the guys that I work with talk, which is like, guys are no bullshit.
They just go, that's a shitty note.

Speaker 1 I'm not doing it.

Speaker 1 If I could do it again i probably and this is terrible advice and i'm like ashamed i'm being a bad feminist right now i would probably have been kinder and gentler with andy because i think

Speaker 1 he probably just thought

Speaker 1 i'm kind of i kind of want to be her like he gave himself a show he took the cnn new year's eve job he likes being on television i had never worked with an executive like that so i was used to talking like a producer and going, this is good.

Speaker 1 This sucks. No, don't cut this.
Please cut this.

Speaker 1 And I think that's not probably the best way to deal with him. Do you think if you guys came together and worked together today, I mean, he was a baby producer then, just kind of

Speaker 1 a producer then. Right.
Yeah. And so do you think coming together now, do you think maybe he would have with what? He's been pretty tough on me publicly.

Speaker 1 You know, there's a TMZ tape where somebody asks about him taking over the New Year's Eve job, which was really a dagger to me because I really loved Anderson Cooper and I thought we were like real friends and the whole spiel.

Speaker 1 And he just keeps saying, I don't know who she is. I don't know who you're talking about.
I don't know who she is.

Speaker 1 And I'm going to, I'm going to be honest, I don't think he's wired that way to like figure out a way to kind of bury it and come together.

Speaker 1 I mean, let me, and this is someone that was in a 10-year beef with Demi Lovato, and I was able to squash that beef. Wow.
I thought the only beef she had was with that yogurt shop in Westwood.

Speaker 1 That was delicious.

Speaker 1 She could the big chill. Shout out to the shit.
The big chill is. Shout out, women.
Shout out, big chill. Yeah.
And her beef with the yogurt shop was hilarious and comedy dream. Very.

Speaker 1 But she was mad at me because I called her Debbie because being a boomer, I was using voice activation and it didn't know Demi.

Speaker 1 And so someone asked me on Twitter at three in the morning when I had done a double in Seattle, who's the biggest asshole you ever met in Hollywood? And I was like, probably Debbie Lovato.

Speaker 1 And then.

Speaker 2 You're bad with names. It's not your fault.

Speaker 1 Thank you, Dan.

Speaker 1 And we know you're on Yogurt Reddit. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm on Yogurt Reddit sub chats and I started that whole thing. But I recently saw Debbie and I just went up to her and I said, look, just forgive me.
I said, I'm an asshole.

Speaker 1 I probably, whatever I said, I probably shouldn't have said. I get a kick out of calling you Debbie.

Speaker 1 I know it's not your name, but if that can just be, if I can just have that one thing left, will you please forgive me? And she was like, all right. So I even hugged it out with Debbie.
That's huge.

Speaker 1 Huge. Because let me tell you, she has a fan army called the Levatics.

Speaker 1 And they don't play. They were posting pictures of my house, how to get to my house, where I go throughout the day.
They had a mission, those lobotics.

Speaker 1 And they were not happy with me. Well, we have this segment where we listen to a fan message and maybe give some advice.
Okay.

Speaker 1 It's one of our final segments, but I do want to say really quick, you know, you talked about your mother who was just the greatest. Just a natural, funny, not never tried to be funny, just was funny.

Speaker 1 And funny enough, my mom used to perform, do like a cabaret act at nursing homes in Beverly Hills. She met your mother.
Watermark. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Holy shitballs. Shout out the great Barbara Peck, who puts on

Speaker 1 what a 45-minute show. I can imagine she's a show woman.
The American songbook. The old-fashioned showman.
Rogers and Hammerstein heard about it. I tell you, no auto-tune, honey.
None.

Speaker 1 She doesn't even know how to auto-tune. And she said, I met Kathy Griffin's mother.
She's fabulous. And you should see this place.
The money Kathy must have.

Speaker 1 I knocked out a wall. I got two rooms, and I made them give me a permit to knock out a wall to make it a suite

Speaker 1 because she wanted to have the biggest suite in the place. And she said the other celebrity old person there was attorney Robert Shapiro's mother.

Speaker 1 And she was always mad that I wasn't kind of as cool as the guy that got off OJ.

Speaker 1 Yeah, sure. I know.
I said, I just tell dick jokes, but he got off OJ, so he wins. Yeah, no, fair enough.

Speaker 1 Shout out to Shapiros. Okay, no harm meant at all.
So it was love. Okay, so this first one, if you want to ask us a question, go to speakpipe.com slash good guys and we'll give you some advice.

Speaker 1 This first one is from Amanda. Here we go.

Speaker 7 Hey, good guys. Love you both so much and I love your relationship.
So I'm here for some relationship advice. My boyfriend and I moved in together.

Speaker 7 Things are getting serious, but I have a holdup and I'm wondering if I'm being too dramatic about this. My boyfriend really doesn't like to dance.

Speaker 7 He feels awkward on dance floors and hates it to the point where he absolutely dreads weddings.

Speaker 7 He doesn't mind going for the ceremony, but he always wants to leave right after dinner and feels so uncomfortable with the music and the dancing.

Speaker 7 I'm not really sure what to do here because I don't want to force him to always go to weddings with me, but I personally feel sad thinking that I'll have to leave all my friends and family's weddings.

Speaker 7 early. I also can't imagine not having the hora and dancing be a part of our wedding someday.

Speaker 7 At this point, I know that if a friend's getting married, I'll probably have more fun without him there because I can just dance and have fun without worrying about him.

Speaker 7 He's probably sitting at the table or kind of sulking.

Speaker 7 But I also think it would be crazy to travel to all these weddings, many of which are international, by myself just so that he doesn't have to go and have a bad time.

Speaker 1 Okay, first of all, my first husband embezzled for me. So fuck you with your my husband doesn't dance.

Speaker 1 Cry having let me steal your money. Anyway, Jesus Christ.

Speaker 1 Get him a folding chair and just be done with it.

Speaker 1 Say, here, here's your chair. Shut the fuck up and stop sulking.
No, I would say make a deal where he has to agree.

Speaker 1 Any guy can do that one slow dance where you're just kind of going like you're like leaning on each other like in high school.

Speaker 1 And if you can negotiate him down to like one slow dance where he won't be looking silly and he won't be doing the embarrassing white guy dancing, but he does have to stay while you're out there having fun with your girlfriends.

Speaker 1 Now he can be at the bar. He can get a hooker.
Yeah. You know, pass the time.
Yes.

Speaker 1 But I do get that you shouldn't have to leave a wedding early, but most straight guys are not big dancers in my experience. Yeah.
But I don't think it's a deal breaker. Right.

Speaker 1 I'm more concerned with the sulking.

Speaker 2 For sure. The sulking was very strange.
What do you mean?

Speaker 1 The wet blanket at the wedding, but also she seems a little bit too excited for all of these weddings.

Speaker 2 Right. At some point, at some point, I'm sorry, when the rubber meets the road, a wedding's a wedding's a wedding.
I don't care how international they are.

Speaker 1 Then she's going to be going to divorce parties. So she better get used to that.
That's coming down the park.

Speaker 1 So I say this, it's negotiable, but then at her own wedding,

Speaker 1 he has to suck it up and do one dance. Yeah.
Like at her own. At their wedding?

Speaker 1 For sure. For sure.
He's got to just. For sure.
But here's the problem. She's got to go behind his back talk to that one bro he has that can get to him and be like okay let's say it's her dan dan

Speaker 1 yes can you please it's me catherine yes cliff yes it's me diane

Speaker 1 clifford can you just

Speaker 1 can you just see me gave me

Speaker 1 clifford the big red woman

Speaker 1 that's me you got me nailed down it's true okay but she's this is a negotiation where I say she involves the bro