Guys: Episode 125 - Soccer Guys with Beth Stelling

Hey, welcome to goals,

a podcast about guys, get it?

Because the guy says goal in soccer.

Oh, that's like your goal is celebration.

I do get it.

I was saying guys.

yeah i was saying guys he was i just realized like beth doesn't know like she just thinks that's how you start every episode with that much enthusiasm he does it to tailor the type of guy that we're covering literally that's what did you say most enthusiasm of all time yeah that's who you're trying to attract that type of hype boy no no no yes oh yes yes

okay boys

chris james is here hi chris hey how's it going's episode If ever there were a Chris episode.

What kind of guys is it that we're doing specifically?

Soccer guys.

Not football, which I'm a football guy.

Yeah, I've never heard.

I've never heard what it was.

Soccer?

I've never, I genuinely don't know that word, and I've never heard it before in my life.

I

know, of course, about football.

Well, let me tell you something, Chris.

Now, by the time this comes out, I will have already went to my first soccer game.

Yeah, your your first football match.

They don't even call it a game.

They call it a match.

But I'm excited about that for you, Brian, because it's your Columbus crew versus my Vancouver White Caps.

So this is a very exciting for me.

Let's get the guest on.

We have Beth Stelling here.

Hi, Beth.

Oh, hello.

I've actually, you know, this is stuff I can actually talk about.

When I was in Vancouver shooting a movie, I went to a White Caps game.

Was it?

And

my first job was Greater's Ice Cream.

And guess what was on our t-shirts for this special crew chip?

The Columbus crew.

They had their own chocolate chip ice cream.

Now we got it in Ohio.

That's Ohio.

Babies.

Woo.

They got the best milkshakes.

By the way, Beth, I don't, and listen, this is going to alienate a lot of the listeners, but the White Caps are doing so well this season.

Best team in MLS.

Yeah, it's been an absolute joy to watch.

I got season tickets on the field, and I have just been loving it.

They won against Seattle with the depleted lineup.

It's just a joy to watch everyone.

Check out the white cap.

Support them over in the MLS.

No.

Yeah, I bought special tickets.

Of course I got special tickets where you get special stuff at the crew game.

Not that Nordic.

This is all your dispendable income.

No, for your fandom.

I don't have neither.

It's neither.

His stupidity,

his inability to budget his money, his enthusiasm for throwing his money away and spending the most on everything.

He insists on it, and he has forever.

He has more money now than he did before, but he always acted this way.

Yeah.

Well, I'm not going to buy regular seats.

You know what I mean?

And you're wrong for this, by the way.

You probably bought some really shitty ones.

Are they on the field?

Are they on the field?

No, because they're by the luxury box.

I get to go to the Bread Financial Club.

Okay,

what is the Bread Fluent?

I mean, that sounds like something that I would be into.

Thank you, Bread Financial.

But also, a bit redundant.

Bread financial?

Yeah, the bread.

Wait, what is that though, Brian?

It's not the Bread Financial Club.

It's

special food.

Special bathrooms.

Yeah.

It's food that other people at the place can't get.

I need bathrooms.

Oh, they got private bathrooms, I said.

They do have that where I stand at the White Calves game on the pitch side.

They do have your own washrooms that have their own stalls, and they're brand new.

And it's huge.

Like at halftime, you don't have to wait in a huge lineup or whatever for the bathrooms.

That is a perk, I will say.

I don't want to be standing on the field or whatever.

The ball hit you or something stupid.

Or you make a huge grab when you're high on mushrooms and you post it and it goes viral.

Are people catching soccer balls?

I did that, but I took some mushrooms and went to the White Calves game, and then a ball got hit at me, and I made a one-handed grab in the graph.

And then it got picked up on the broadcast, so I took the video from the broadcast.

How big your hand is?

Yeah,

I feed his ego.

Yeah.

Your hand is so big.

Yeah,

I'm holding it like it's forced perspective.

I'm holding it.

You palmed a soccer ball.

That actually does.

Yeah.

That seems crazy.

Yeah, it was like I scooped it around.

You have to see the video.

And yeah, if you want, Beth, I could send it to you afterwards.

Yeah.

I'll get it.

It's not that impressive.

But

yeah, I'm going to see the white caps.

I'm hoping for some ice cream, of course.

Maybe a soft serve machine but yeah it's food other people can't get and you know how it is you buy tickets to a sporting event you want to get the top tickets where there's stuff that other people can't have yeah i mean not everybody but yeah i don't want to get i want to get the top tickets to get the best vantage point of the game and like the best experience at the game you are looking yeah they have windows that are really big I looked it up.

The Brett Financial Club is actually really nice.

I can look it up.

So you're not even like, you have to look at the game through a window?

You're not even

sit in them.

You're saying,

you're going to spend most of the time kind of just mingling with the other people in the Bread Financial area?

I just type BreadFinancial ClubLower.com because that's the name of the field.

And the first result is Bread Financial Club.

And it says, you visit often.

I'm on there all the time.

He's always checking in.

He's never been, just to be clear, but he's regularly checking in to see, like, okay,

any updates on what I'm going to receive?

Brian, what, like, it's just a food thing you're interested in?

Brian says private club on the east sideline with exclusive food and beverage offerings.

Exclusive.

That means other people can't have.

No, I don't know.

Just on the sideline.

So you're down there?

No, no, just on the line.

Just a little bit in the middle of, I'm in the, you know, the 50-yard line.

It is a good vantage point.

It is a good vantage point for sure to be like up halfway up, you know, midfield.

that's a good place to be but i just think that you got to stay in your seat brian and watch no no no it's going to be

a great match brian these are two very very good clubs it's going to be really high level uh football

soccer uh floor to ceiling windows allows view of the match from the privacy of the club yeah dedicated premium entrance That's a premium entrance.

I get to walk in an entrance.

Whoa.

We lost Brian?

That never, ever actually happens.

I wonder if you'll

know hacking.

No, it was not you, but you guys should see the video.

He's like, his hand is outstretched back.

I wonder if he's going to try to join again.

I'm going to send him a text message.

I mean,

this is highly unusual.

Beth, he regularly

makes errors on the podcast.

They're known as flubs,

but it's not usually stuff like this.

Oh, he, so what he just sent me a text message.

It is a pretty good explanation.

He sent me a text message and said, My computer just turned off.

So his entire computer turned off.

He says, I'll be back.

He's going Terminator style on us.

He says, I'll be back.

It's rebooting.

So now we kind of get to see how quickly he could get things going again.

How long do you think that he hasn't restarted his computer?

Are we talking years?

No, definitely.

I know that it's like turned off before in the past.

So I think it sort of forces itself off every seven or eight months or so after just kind of being on for.

Kind of sick of his shit.

Sick, well, sick of just, you know, it's tired or whatever, and he never gives it a chance to rest.

So it's rebooting still.

Beth, I get.

Oh, this would be a good time, actually.

Oh, Brian's back.

Oh, God, he's back.

Now he's got no audio.

No, now we can't hear him.

So

this would be a good time to talk about stand-up comedy, though.

I'm not allowed to talk about stand-up comedy anymore.

Well, just because it's like they say I talk about it too much on the podcast, I'm always bringing it up.

How I used to be a stand-up, I'm trying to relate it all the time.

But now that he's not here,

well, he's here, but he can't say anything.

So,

he literally cannot stop us from talking about it.

So, you're right now doing stand-up comedy on the road.

Oh, my God.

Road gigs, eh?

What?

Hey, Montour.

What's oh, hello?

You're back, and your audio is crappier than ever.

Yeah, Yeah, you are.

I'm fixing that.

I did say.

How do I adjust you guys in my ears, I wonder?

I tried to go to audio settings, but it just doesn't work.

I'm in a default.

That sounds good, right?

Yeah, that sounds fine.

It sounds fine.

Yeah.

Yeah, you're me.

Yeah.

All right.

Anyway, so

talking about the Bread Financial Club for now.

Brian, can I ask you?

Because listen,

don't think I'm going to edit around that and make it seem like your computer didn't just fucking turn off in the middle of the morning.

no clue what happened.

Don't even ask what happened.

I don't fucking know.

I might have to buy a new computer.

I think you need to restart it more often.

Yeah, dude.

I do.

We figured that it was maybe not being, not being, but I don't know.

It seems to me like you've, yeah, like maybe it's an older computer or something like that.

But yeah, that's.

It's not an older computer.

Well, it's, I want to buy a new one anyway.

That's concerning.

That's concerning.

Seems like you've ridden it hard.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm back to recording on my end, but it's probably not going to mean anything because, you know, all right, let's get to some soccer stuff.

Chris,

I got to tell you,

the coach of the White Caps, he's been problematic lately.

And

I thought I would check into that.

Jesse Marsh spits out.

Hang on.

Hang on.

Hang on.

I just.

I cannot even, with how ignorant you are.

Is he

not?

Jesse Marsh is not the coach of the White Caps.

Plus, he's not.

He's a coach of Team Canada.

He's also American, by the way.

He's not even Canadian.

He's an American guy who coaches Team Canada.

The White Cavs coach has zero.

The only thing he's done is taken a middle of the road club and turned it into the best fucking team in the whole MLS.

Yes, Ber Sorensen is a god.

But yeah, it's incredible that you're so wrong.

Jesse Marsh was talking about the Vancouver White Caps players.

They ate some Mexican food.

Apparently, people in Canada can't eat Mexican food.

And then they lost a soccer game, which is because of the Mexican food?

Because of the Mexican, but that's what they're saying.

Because of the Mexican food.

Well, that's not a little too heavy.

That's on them.

That's to eat some beans before the game.

No, see, this is the same thing.

It's like in America, the food we eat and our soccer players go wild.

No, this is not what happened.

And first off, this is not what happened.

So

it's ridiculous.

This is the second year in a row that CONCACAF.

I know what that means, by the way, because I watched the documentary last night on the powers

on soccer.

Okay, yeah, CONCACAF is like the federation where the U.S.

and Canada and Mexico play there.

I thought, I want to also say it's called soccer.

That was originally came from Europe, from England, soccer, because it was an association.

See,

back in the day,

and this is just something I know off the top of my head.

This is going to be so at Oxford

in England, they would add an ER to the end of things as, like,

yes, as

they would add an ER at the end of the things, like champagne, they call it champers.

Like, that was their slang.

And soccer was called association football, but they took the ass off the front because they didn't want to call it asser.

Yeah.

And they switched it over to soccer.

It started over there.

And then Chris runs around saying, oh, it's footy.

It's not footy.

It's soccer.

That's fine.

It's okay to disagree on things.

We already have a football here.

Yeah.

No, I know.

I know we do, Canadian, but we have CF Marshall.

I'm the smartest soccer guy in this fucking thing.

I mean, you just thought Jesse Marsh was the coach of the White Cast.

He's the coach in Canada, which is also problematic.

He's the coach of the team.

If I could just clarify that what happened was that they went over there and they got sick.

They got food poisoning the White Caves did.

They did.

They got diarrhea.

But that's two years in a row that the team from

North America, it was an American team last year, but has gone to Mexico for this final and has gotten food poisoning.

And it depleted their team.

So I don't think that was the reason why they lost, but they didn't have a single shot attempt the entire game.

And they haven't lost a game all season.

They lost one game all season.

So they've been the best team and then they had no shot attempts.

So I think they actually might have gotten food poison.

You should see the type of things I have to get done.

Because think about it.

If you extend the leg or put a leg back that opens the hole for a Hershey squirrel,

that's well, if you think about it, I think that's the thing they're mostly concerned about.

It's kind of like a can opener, like

it's the way they're going to squeeze out, I think, in general.

No, they weren't able to kick.

They didn't open their legs.

I perform on diarrhea all the time, by the way.

But how physical are you getting?

Yeah, exactly.

You only get physical doing your magic.

Only during your magic routines do you get physical.

Brian is like an amateur magician, so he has some magic tricks that he does that he gets sort of physical.

But he, no, he's not.

Fuck, I don't know where I know where they...

I found all my magic tricks the other day.

Oh.

It's so great, man.

What alpha of the issue was?

Yeah, he only learned half of the trick.

So they all disappeared.

No,

they're in my box.

I'm moving.

That's why it looks looks so plain back there.

It does look plain.

And I thought it was just because that was your style.

And I didn't.

No, he has like a family and stuff.

He has a family and stuff.

Yeah, he's not like a sick.

That would be a single guy who would live in a place like that.

And he's, I promise you, Beth, he's not a single guy.

No, and you would like, you would have, if you'd have seen it two weeks ago, three weeks ago, you'd have been like, man, this guy's impressive as hell.

Oh, you would have thought he was so cool because you would have then seen his Lego town that he had set up behind him, which was his entire town built out of Lego.

I would put together a micro brick that you can get

Lego of like a red panda a couple weeks ago.

Is that like a knockoff?

I think I lost points on my vision and gained arthritis.

It was the smallest Lego piece I've ever done.

So it was Lego.

It was actually Lego, but it's called Micro Brick.

It's like a smaller version, but it's authorized.

It's not real Lego.

It's a knockoff from

Below.

What's it called?

Five Below?

I see.

I got sent a bunch of pineapple ones.

263 pieces.

That's awesome.

Look how small it is.

She's showing it right now.

And

that's

how tiny.

I actually have to show you the video so you can see how small it is.

Look at how big my thumb is.

Oh, my goodness.

I mean, that's, listen, that's exceptionally cute to make something so tiny like that.

But yeah, you can imagine it's not as much fun as making, like, Lego, I think, would be more up my alley than that yeah i lost my lego guy's penis

oh yeah

well

i lost his penis i gotta get his penis

did we buy this on we bought this on stream we bought that on stream or on the podcast i didn't even know legos had penises no you gotta go to etsy for these ones you gotta go get those custom made the official ones do not come with penises man

all right let's uh so anyway this guy has a lego strap on Click on.

It's kind of what it is, is a strap on.

You got to put it down on the legs and then not get between them.

This guy goes, coach shooting from the hip as usual.

But I've said it before, and I'll say it again.

Stuff like this is why they started using drones.

Herdman was very specific.

He only used them in CONCACAF games, and he was doing a response to stuff like this.

So apparently they were droning.

Yeah, this is another thing where our coach, the Canadian coach, actually got caught using drones to spy on the other teams.

Oh, seems like a good guy.

True.

This is is the old coach.

They got rid of this coach.

They got rid of that coach.

He's gone.

They could not believe he was doing it, actually.

That's pretty intense.

Yeah,

I think it's something that they do at the, at the, like, I think that other people don't get caught in it.

Exactly.

They do it, but he just got caught.

He got, they got caught doing it or whatever, but I think a lot of them are doing it, right?

With these covert, you figure out where they're training and you get a drone like from, like, that has, like, a real long lens on it or whatever.

And then you just, you get their, their tactics.

It's That's very funny.

There's a lot of money on the line in this now.

It's a serious, it's a serious thing.

I'll say, I do love this guy, though.

He goes, it doesn't mean they didn't have Mexican food.

This guy goes, they bring their own chefs, right?

Yes, that's true.

And apparently, the chefs were from the Columbus Crew.

So it was friendly fire.

Well, no, the Columbus Crew are a rival as well.

Why would they bring the Columbus Crew chefs?

I got confused.

Yeah, no, it was the white calves who were down there in the Columbus Cruz.

Yeah, and the Columbus Cruz restaurant.

Yeah, who knows what happened.

No, it says, doesn't mean they didn't have Mexican food.

Like using Mexican groceries, like Mexican groceries just caused diarrhea is an insane thing to say.

No, I don't think they're saying that.

I think that, I don't know.

The idea is that they're saying that the food was tampered with.

That's the insinuation.

I don't think anyone's outright saying it other than Jesse Marsh, but the insinuation is that the food was tampered with.

So whether it was however they tampered with it, that two years in a row, they've gotten sick from it.

It's fine, though.

It was a tough loss, Brian.

I remember that.

I went and watched it.

I know it was a funny loss.

No, it was funny.

Yeah, it was not funny.

The screen didn't work outside the stadium, and we gave up five goals.

It was just a horrible experience.

Let's take a look at it.

That was the last time that

the Vancouver team played.

Well, they played again, but when was the diarrhea game?

Sorry.

The diarrhea game was like a week and a half ago, and then they just played on the weekend I went there Seattle, which was yeah, now they play Columbus next week.

So they're playing Columbus two weeks ago was in Mexico.

I thought you just said though, guys.

Sorry.

I thought you just said they did beat Seattle.

Yeah, they did.

But it was incredible that they did, Beth, because they all had diarrhea and they still

incredible diarrhea.

Yeah.

We still won.

Yes.

But just so you know, we won on diarrhea.

But they lost on the first diarrhea game.

The second diarrhea game they won.

There was two diarrhea games as the issue.

The Mexican final was a diarrhea.

Yeah, it was diarrhea game one.

Diarrhea game two, because they were still having diarrhea like four or five days later or whatever.

This is what I thought.

Yeah.

And then and so they talked about it afterwards.

Like the one player, this young kid, actually, a local kid, Jivon Bodwell, scored like his first ever goal.

And they said, how was the run-up to the game?

And he's like, I was on the toilet a bunch.

That's what he said.

Like, he's like, yeah, he literally was like, I had diarrhea.

Oh, I thought you were going to say because this was his first goal.

He was the only one who didn't eat that Mexican food.

No,

he had diarrhea as well.

I've become a fan of soccer because of the amount of diarrhea involved with it.

I think that is my favorite part of it.

Yeah, normally there isn't.

I'll be honest.

I've been watching for a while.

This is the most diarrhea-centric run that I've seen for the team.

I'm hoping we can get these guys some diarrhea when they play in Columbus this week.

Let's take a look at this guy.

He's a player.

I'll help.

I'll get some diarrhea graders ice cream and give it to him.

I mean, you could just

use it.

Jenny's ice cream, actually, to tell you the truth.

That would get some listeria.

They're both extremely rich and can cause diarrhea for anyone.

Just give them

your diet plan.

Jenny's had all those listeria outbreaks.

Yeah.

I can't believe that's like the fancy.

Before it went national, there were like three listeria outbreaks there.

Everybody's just like, it's very fancy.

I've got a game in the national news, and then they're like, you know what, we should capitalize off of this.

Everybody knows about us now.

Oh, yeah.

We're the listeria guys.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Let's take a look at a guy asking a question.

He goes, headache when heading the ball.

Hey, guys.

I was thinking about this the other day.

I thought I'd ask.

I've been playing the game for a long time, and ever since the beginning, I just accepted the fact that heading the ball will always lead to a headache.

Literally.

However, after talking to a friend about it,

I thought he meant literally, though.

Like, why did he say I was assuming it was literally?

I think he thought we thought it was like, oh, I headed the ball and it ruined the rest of the, you know what I mean?

It's such a pain in the ass to head the ball, you know.

Took me 45 minutes to head the ball.

But he goes, however, after talking to a friend about it, he said he never gets headaches.

Is it normal to get one?

No, you need to go to the doctor immediately.

Yeah, I need surgery.

Yeah,

it's not.

I don't think it's normal to.

I think you're probably heading it incorrectly or you have something else going on if you're getting a headache every time.

I think if you head it with the top of your head, like you don't head it with your forehead.

It used to be right here, I thought.

Yeah.

Yeah, your forehead is where you want it.

Right here?

Yeah, right on the forehead.

That's where you want to do it.

But yeah, otherwise it can burn a little bit, but I don't know.

It shouldn't give you a full-on headache, I don't think.

Well, that's what Nick Lano says.

He goes, first, I am no doctor.

Okay.

I don't want to see a doctor.

He might have someone.

Well, this guy's got, this guy can help, though.

He goes, I was a back, and I tried not to do a lot of heading.

Play in hot weather and get overtired.

Don't hydrate enough.

You could just get a headache.

Just from that, attacking the ball.

Don't let it hit you.

Protect the space you're heading in.

Please don't make a case for any more lawyers.

I don't know who I hate more, liberals or lawyers.

Oh, shit.

This guy is the conservative footballer.

He's just like, liberals are ruining it and lawyers.

That took a turn.

Yeah.

He's like, he's basically saying, like, because there's CTE heading the ball a lot.

It can lead to CE.

I think CTE, there's been some studies going on about that.

So I think maybe this guy's like, we don't want all the suits hanging around on the sidelines looking to, you know, the ambulance chasers.

trying to ruining our sports running out at halftime.

And, you know,

do not say headaches.

These liberals will seize upon it immediately.

The liberals and lawyers will be all over it.

They'll be doing protests and they'll be in the, you know, we won't be able to play in the final.

Oh, we can't play in the finals.

Sorry.

We got a friggin, we got a court date that we have to go to about our heading situation.

No, that's not a good thing.

He goes, I had more headaches from American football than I ever had heading the ball.

It's like that's well, that makes sense.

Yeah, that's known to do with.

I mean, we don't even know when he played.

Is he talking like soccer high school?

Yeah, that's true.

He doesn't answer that ever.

I wish he did.

Yeah.

Yeah, if he's like, he's like, I never got headaches.

It's like, yeah, well, you played from third to sixth grade.

Yeah, that's true.

Who knows?

Why'd you have to bring...

Also, is that not the first guy who would say something like, why you got to bring politics into this if one of the guys got down on one knee?

And here he is on a simple podcast going, well, I don't know about the CTE headaches, liberals.

What?

It's not like a liberal thing.

I guess in the end.

It's a medical thing.

Yeah, it's a medical thing.

Is he saying we're snowflakes for saying, like, oops, maybe that's going to hurt your brain if you bonk on it with a ball going.

That's right.

Shut up and let us go.

60 miles an hour.

Is that crazy?

Be quiet.

Just let us know.

I've been always been praising

for years.

I mean, there's a lot of those.

Of course, there's people who, like, if we got into American football, it's a much bigger thing about that where they're just kind of like, they just don't want to give up the game that they love.

They base their life around it.

So then everyone's like, you know, these guys are like, it's really fucking their heads up.

And they're like, you know, shooting themselves in the chest and massacring families because their brains are so fucked up from this sport.

And but then the guys are just kind of like, shut up, man.

We're just like, shut the fuck up.

We just want to watch my little guy.

You know, I just want to watch the game.

Like, I want to watch the sport.

And like, I just don't want to hear that.

I'm not going to be able to get a man and shoot up a grocery store.

I want to watch him on my screen.

I'm not watching the news.

It's just a guy that like,

come on, CTE can't be that bad.

Yeah.

And you're like, oh, yeah.

That's why I'm hesitant to know how long he played.

If you're playing a professional sport and you're doing a lot of headers, which by the way, are some of the coolest goals to watch.

Oh, yeah.

Then you're going to have some injuries no matter what.

Well, somebody does ask him this question.

I'll make a distinction between headache and head pain.

Headache is a pain pain you feel inside your skull.

Head pain is coming from the superficial muscles of the head and forehead, soreness from hitting a ball.

Which one are we talking about?

Yeah,

where are you feeling it exactly?

It's

if only

somebody could answer that question, some sort of professional, some sort of professional.

If only you could go see somebody to sort of look into something like that.

But no, no,

I will just go.

Where is this person?

They're not on Reddit even.

They're on some football forum.

That soccer ball, big soccer.

Big soccer.

So let's go on to big soccer to sort of ask about, don't you think you fellas think I got CTE?

And everybody's just like, nah, man, get out there.

Our conservative friend Nick did come back with a little more information for us.

I was getting headaches for 47 years.

Oh my.

If I'm dead, actually, if somebody kills me on Twitter, it was that guy.

If you're going to listen to this, he's he's going to be like, that liberal

47

telling me I should go to the doctor after 47 years of a headache.

That's

I think he, I think he might be making a joke.

Is he about to make some sort of he might be making a joke?

Because

I feel like he might be, this might be going until I got 47 years of a headache.

It's called my liberal wife, you know.

Well, I got,

you know what?

It's funny.

He goes in the last three, but listen, you are right, but the way this is worded is is incredible.

Let it rip.

I'm gonna read the whole thing for you right now.

I'll show you.

I was getting headaches for 47 years, and the last three years they stopped.

They stopped because I started to lose my hearing.

Now, when my wife starts talking, I don't hear what she is saying.

I just say, yes, sure, good, no problem.

So, no more headaches, and we get along great.

Oh, very, very good joke.

Worded perfectly.

I really like

concise, nice reveal.

That's, that is literally, that is like

you ask someone to explain someone's very good joke.

That's, that's like, I, I picture, that is like Tim Heidecker and his stand-up special delivering that joke, you know, delivering the joke about his what, his hearing.

Like, yeah, I, I actually don't have headaches anymore.

I had them for 47 years, and after three, but now three years, I don't, because I lost my hearing.

And, you know, like, that's, that's what it sounds like.

I would cut, I'd cut the hearing part.

It's the part I would hear.

It sounds like that's what old God did about three years ago for this fella, at which point he couldn't hear his wife anymore.

And that's when, miraculously, the headache stints are going to be a little bit more difficult.

I got to give him credit.

I got to give him credit so he doesn't kill me.

Yeah.

I am impressed that he didn't blame it on his wife for just talking too quietly over the years.

That's true.

As time went on, she started talking quieter and quieter.

Yeah, he gave her a little break.

That's why my ears are perfectly fine she's the one who keeps whispering stuff that i can't hear

we have a thing chris sent me this actually um oh and as things we say your best lines ever so these are guys referee guys

who who these are their good lines that you're some of the yeah these are if you're we we talked about umpire guys and we discussed that and this this would be more for referee guys but they're specifically soccer referees and men's league refs or kids refs and we discussed a little bit obviously they do put up a lot of of a lot of shit like they put up with a lot of shit from you know parents or adults who are way way too competitive um

and

every now and then they get a line in though and here's a pretty cool thread of some pretty cool referees talking about some of the badass lines that they've uh that they've delivered on the pitch so i'm looking at man pre-sweatpants because that's what they're talking about.

I think they're just long sweats.

Yeah, like Capri's.

They're Capri's.

In the thread, they're Capri.

Okay.

It was a few years ago, and I think it was under 15B competitive game.

This was when you first saw the dreaded man pre-sweats being worn by coaches.

As AR1, the coach from three hours away, is complaining to me about something to do with time.

Me.

What's the problem?

You need to go home and give your wife her pants back to her?

I like he says to her at the end of of it.

Ooh, ooh, got his ass.

Can you imagine a referee saying that to you, like there's all the parents on the side and he's like, hey, man, what's going on?

You're like, you know, he's like, five minutes, it shouldn't be five minutes of stoppage time.

It should only be two minutes.

Oh, what's wrong?

You got to go home and give your wife her pants back.

Everyone would be like, oh.

It's a fucking weird thing to say, man.

I'm really loving these.

These jokes are so badly done.

All these lines.

This one, a guy goes, doing a college club game a few years ago and was being heckled good naturedly by some rowdy fans to be fair they were heckling everyone players on both teams coaches fans and refs alike we were wearing yellow one heckler yells out hey ref i've seen better yellow in my pants i replied next

it's a bad it's a bad heck i will say the heckle is really bad dude these guys sound like they were just shit face drunk out out at some like field and then a soccer game i've seen better yellow in the whites of my eyes because i'm dying of cirrhosis.

Yeah.

Got his ass.

And saying that you pissed your pants.

Yeah, yeah.

I've seen better yellow in my pants.

No, you definitely got that, Brian.

Yeah, you pissed my pants.

And he goes, I replied, next time wear your depends.

Depends on if you're going to be at the game.

But he was saying he pissed his pants.

I know.

And then his retort that was supposed to get him back was like, well, next time, wear your depends.

so they were just having a conversation.

Well, he goes, and then I took off the other way down the field after play.

Chuckles from the crowd.

And I didn't get heckled again after that.

So you guys both, you know, have been known to do stand-up players.

You got the last laugh.

Yeah.

And if you're doing stand-up, maybe tell people

they should change their depends.

I think so.

Yeah, I mean, that works a lot where you're just like.

I've heckled a ref at a field hockey game.

Oh, yeah, you, Beth, you haven't played soccer, but you played field hockey at a pretty

pretty similar, actually, just in the sense that, you know, 11 aside,

of course, there are differences, but in general, the game would be move the ball to score across the game.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's similar.

And what did you, what would you, what did, how did you get a ref?

Oh, man.

I don't know if it's going to be.

I don't know.

I just, sorry.

I don't know if it's going to be as good as

it depends next time.

No, honestly, mine wasn't really funny.

I just pissed him off, and it doesn't help, but I felt like he was leaning.

We were playing in the World Cup in South Africa in October with the

Masters tournament, and

I was watching the men's South African team, and I just felt like the ref was in favor of them.

So I was like,

I was heckling him.

You making an even game.

And he, honestly, I wish I could tell you what I said to him because it was bitchy because he turned and like he like turned and went like that to me.

Oh, you got you like he like gave you oh

he gave me a little stink eye like fuck you bitch i was i was like actually at the seattle sounders game that we discussed just a few moments ago i as i mentioned i'm very close i'm like right behind the bench so i'm just like four or five feet away from the players and the coaches and stuff like that and i was i don't usually do this but they're like a rival of ours and i was like i was kind of being a bit

i was being a bit of a menace they at one point this guy came on he hasn't he's like a coach now basically he's like basically retired and he came on and then they we got a penalty and he stepped up to take the penalty he's like 40 years old and i was like this guy hasn't scored in 17 years

and and then he scored and then i was like oh my god he's retiring tomorrow you just got scored on by a guy who's touched the ball for the last time in his entire life and a woman in their staff turned around and gave me the exact same look that you just said that the ref gave that little, like,

why would you do that?

Like, why are you, like, why are you bugging or losing three, nothing?

Like, why are you doing this?

And I did.

I was just like, yeah, she's right.

I should, I'm not going to say anything else.

I know.

I'm really not that type either.

I just felt like annoyed watching the game because I felt like they really were

the South African home team.

Yeah.

By the way, they are incredible players.

So it's not like they were bad and cheating.

It just felt like, come on, there are people who are.

But you were like, but you, you like spoke up.

And that is like,

it is kind of, it's, it's, it is like, um, I feel embarrassed too.

Like, unless like, I feel like I have to nail, like, I'm like trying to say a line that's like kind of funny too, which is so stupid because like I have to like hit it and hope to get some sort of reaction from someone or I feel like a real open mic now.

Yeah, that's all I, that's, that's how, that's all I have now.

But it is true.

I, I hear you.

When I was standing there, I'm like, I want to be funny, snarky, and not like, because you don't want to be a full-blown psychopath.

It's like, want to get your head out of your ass, roll.

You want to find out where you live and murder your family.

You know what I mean?

Like some fucking assistants and I'll shove them up your fucking asshole, you piece of.

Yeah, like it is, it is, you get a little heated, and I think it can be fun and good-spirited, and it's part of the game.

Like, I, like, I feel like those, those professional athletes who are getting paid a lot of money, it doesn't mean you can abuse them in like a real serious way.

You can't be like picking out like serious things about their character and trying to like, but I think it is part of the game why they're able to make a bunch of money is that they have to be able to take some gentle ribbing from people in the crowd, you know?

Yeah.

And this is interesting because I, I have to deal with so many old white men on Facebook saying psychotic things to me.

And they're like,

they'll say something horrific and be like, you're a comedian.

I thought you should have tougher skin.

Yeah, you should be able to take a joke.

The joke is like, don't you get the joke?

It's that I'm going to show up at your house and kill you.

You're a comedian.

Like, don't you understand what I'm saying?

I do hate this idea of like, ooh, she's triggered.

It's like, or you commented on something to me and I replied.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Anyway, I do remember what I said to the guy.

It was something like,

I think I said something like, ooh, I think you've helped him enough.

Don't you?

Oh, sure.

A little sarcastic, huh?

Just a little.

I was at a baseball game just this weekend and a guy got drunk, just so drunk.

Biggest loser you ever met in your entire life he was standing behind me for like 15 minutes talking to another guy about he was like

i lost my yeah i got fired you know they had to do it i'm gonna sue them anyway i'll just get my job back you know i because if they fire everybody then i can't sue them but if they don't fire anybody else i can't he's like i kind of knew it was coming because i show up late all the time and i don't shave and he was just this like really like radiating loser energy.

Soon I get your job

is so badass.

It's like you know it's it's but it's like even if it's successful it's like I don't know, man.

It depends on what it is.

And I'm all for like if you're if you're fired without cause or whatever that you should but I don't know if you're able to find a new job.

I think it's like probably best to get out of that environment because it's like, hey, hey, guess who's back?

It's it's Marty.

Remember the guy we aggressively tried to get out of here?

Well, he's back in his old office.

Who, by the way, admits he was doing all the stuff.

I know.

Oh, yeah.

By the way, yeah, he just got a really good

labor lawyer, but he's, yeah, he's in the middle of the money.

Which doesn't work, by the way.

Ohio's at will.

You can fire anybody for fucking any reason you want.

And then

15, 20 minutes later, 15 or 20 minutes later, he goes to his seat and he screams.

One time,

screams some joke.

And I don't even remember the joke or what it was.

That sucks because that means it didn't land at all.

It was bad, it was stupid.

It was something like, hey, you've only hit eight home runs this year, some shit like that.

It was like, really, all of his jokes were based on what was on the scoreboard, right?

Like, so it comes up and shows the batting average, your home runs in RBI.

He didn't know.

I was going to say, oh, so, but he was a bit knowledgeable, but no, no, he was a drunk guy reading the scoreboard.

And eating off of the scoreboard.

Yeah.

Fucking one joke, one fucking joke.

And people turn around and laugh at them.

And then that's it for the rest of the fucking night.

Just every single pitch.

But eating.

Something like.

Oh,

why don't you get your ninth RBI?

Oh, he's just doing scoreboard riffs.

And there's only like three riffs you could do, really.

And he's just having to roll through all of them.

This reminds me, and I'm sorry to all the listeners who really love when we get down to the guys and we we do all the guys stuff.

We got stuff.

But I know, I, I just, this reminds me the first time I went and saw my favorite movie in a very long time, Friendship.

I've been talking about it a lot.

I went and saw it twice in theaters.

But the first time I went to like a sneak preview of it, and it was, you know, huge fans, as you can imagine, of Tim Robinson and stuff in a full theater.

And some fucking person

made some reaction, you know, like,

oh, no, oh, no.

You know what I mean?

Like after everything was over, and then it got a laugh.

And I knew right there, Brian, I knew right there.

I was like, oh, no.

I was like, oh, no.

I hope that's not that type of person who's like a per has that performer thing in them where they need to like, and sure enough, they started hitting it

four or five times through the movie.

Chris, you want to yell at the people who laughed.

Yeah, you want to yell at everyone.

It's not.

It's not their fault.

It's not,

it's your fault.

It's your fault.

Yeah,

I think you say, I think you say something like, That's your one.

Oh, yes, yes, there you go.

That's that's the smart thing to do, but it's like having the courage to do that.

It's that's also a thing where it's like, I don't know how this is going to go.

I don't know if everybody agrees with me on it.

They all kind of laugh.

Maybe that, maybe they like it or something, but yeah, it it really they don't.

They don't.

This guy is also like an insanely sweaty white man and is like he also has nothing to lose.

He just got fired.

Yeah,

it was crazy.

Because my wife was gone when he was behind me talking.

Yeah.

And I was, because they had, because I sit in these good seats that have like basically office chairs.

And he was standing right behind me and I was like this.

Fuck up, by the way.

He just casually.

I sit in these good seats, they're basically like office chairs.

Like office chairs,

my wife is gone fluffing my cushion.

I mean, there's a lot of situations.

just no chairs that are not known as like great chairs either.

I don't know.

No, the chairs have the, but I was leaned back like all the way into his conversation just listening to this guy.

He was so sweaty and so drunk, and he was in his late...

like 20s.

He was the exact guy you picture.

Do you know what's weird, though, is that like you were kind of like in his shit.

He was like kind of like acting the right way at a baseball game all fucking

sweaty and like obnoxious.

And then you were just like, Yeah, I'm trying, you know, I'm trying to eat my soft serve ice cream.

We left early because of the guy because Katie was pissed.

Yeah,

in all seriousness, I understand why she would want to get away from that energy in all seriousness.

Turn around and say, like, it's the same thing with if I'm if I have a heckler at a show, it's like, what am I gonna take the time to kick you out?

Yes, it's such a nightmare, it's a whole record roll.

Yeah, that's totally.

Let's look at this r/slash soccer coach resources.

Uh, this guy asked a question

this guy asked a question bedazzle cleats

i coach a middle school girls soccer team one of my players decided to bedazzle the swooshes on her nike cleats with rhinestones i plan on addressing the issue today at breakfasting the issue

talking about an incorporate streak like that like i plan on having an all uh you know all hands-on meeting to address the uh issue yeah that's not your biggest worry uh one of the teenage girls put bedazzlement on her shoes but he couldn't wouldn't you wouldn't you just kind of isn't that isn't that totally expected and also completely fine i mean i don't know what that like is down on the ground i think they were playing in like a major tournament in high school yeah it's like earrings out no rain maybe yeah i guess maybe there'd be it but i can't even really think about it because like some cleats and stuff will have you know beveled edges or whatever like i can't think about why it would be maybe, maybe if it's sunny and like they, you know, the sun reflects off of the thing or whatever.

You guys got to hear these babies in the comments.

What they say is incredible.

As someone who somehow always gets things flung into his eyes, I'd say it shouldn't be allowed.

I can easily see how a good kick could not be.

Wait a second.

Wait a second.

Why do you always get stuff flung in your eyes?

I mean, it'll happen to me from time to time, but I think I can count on one hand the amount of times it's happened in the past few years do you like how i wonder what he does maybe it's always happening to me maybe he's like um uh like a landscaper or something like that

probably got stuff flying in my eyes

it is weird to be like that's the you know a thing about me is i'm always getting stuff flung into my eyes on

a lot of you guys would please children's shoe you'd look at these bedazzled cleats and you would see no danger whatsoever as somebody who has the privilege of not having things

flung in their eyes consistently.

But I see this as a hazard.

Yeah, I mean, I feel like.

The main question here is what's that guy doing on a children's soccer field?

I mean,

I think

he's just trying to be, he's looking for a thing.

He had to try so hard to find some reason why there's something wrong with it.

And the thing was that it could fling off.

Like the steering wheel could fling off and just out the window.

Here's a guy.

You'll love this guy.

Not trying to be a buzzkill, but I think they should by law be disallowed.

Law 4.1.

Items of jewelry are forbidden and must be removed using tape to cover jewelry is not permitted.

The players must be inspected before the start of the match and substitutes before they enter the field of play.

If a player is wearing or using unauthorized dangerous equipment or jewelry, the referee must order the player to one, remove the item, leave the field of play at the next stoppage.

If the player is unable or unwilling to comply, a player who refuses to comply or wears the item again must be cautioned.

I think the ref will disallow the cleats no matter how safe they think they are.

They're a harder surface.

They could have harder, sharper edges.

They're acting like these are knives.

Like every combat is like these medazzlements.

And it's just on the Nike swooshes on the side.

It's just on the swooshes on the side.

In fact, I don't know if it's a great idea, maybe, because you're using the inside and outside of the.

If anything, they'll just fall off into the grass.

Exactly.

If you're lucky.

Oh, if you're lucky, they'll fall off into the grass.

Otherwise, I'll look straight up into my damn face.

This guy goes, shiny does not equal jewelry.

Adidas Predator freight plates have rubbery spikes on them.

Yeah.

So there's that.

This guy goes, spikes added at the factory designed to be used on soccer shoes.

And then maybe we just reply to all of them and go, oh, my goodness, I didn't realize all you guys had such sequent experience, you little drag queens.

I mean, why it is so many people talking about different rhinestones.

And

these are all like old men that are talking about this little girl putting bedazzled things on her cleats, and they are all discussing it.

And this is...

This is what this guy's going to do.

I guess, I wonder if he's going to sort of bring any of that.

That's what they're hoping, maybe, that some of their points in the thread he might actually bring to the meeting that he has with the young girls to discuss this issue.

Because you said by law it would be disallowed and then quoted the law where it explicitly does not mention anything except similar to bedazzle, anything even similar to bedazzled cleats.

I don't see any reason why they'd be not allowed.

The only issue with them is how securely are the rhinestones attached.

Securely enough that kicking the ball will not knock them off.

And then our guy comes back, the guy that quoted the laws.

Yeah.

I asked ref needs loves too on Instagram at ref.

Refs need love too.

I can't say that.

Ref needs love too on Instagram.

A ref who refs everything, everything, including MLS.

Next, here's his answer: it would be considered

MLS, by the way, but MLS Next, that's not the real thing.

Like how you like paused on the beat, too.

Like, MLS is like a professional league, and then next is like the development league or whatever.

Yeah, yeah.

And young Coke orange.

Here's his answer.

It would be considered jewelry.

You can't have anything that could be a safety hazard.

But of course, your local ref may decide otherwise.

But by the book, they should be disallowed.

Yeah.

P.S.

forgot to say these are 11-year-old girls.

Yeah, you're you're it depends.

If your local ref is a hardcore liberal who's like not trying to fucking bother little girls with what they have on their shoes, then yeah, you might get away with it.

I guess uh, there's another issue going on.

I'm gonna bring it back to politics.

See, this is why liberals are fine with these drag queens, they're fine with bedazzling your cleats.

We actually are, yeah, we don't talk about this.

This is an insanely leftist podcast.

I'm a family

leftist.

We're insanely leftist, and the left, it mostly comes from me.

No, I don't think that's a good question.

I am not.

Well, I would say that I thought I dragged the podcast left.

I dragged the podcast left.

And even then, I'm not going to say what Brian's affiliation is, but I'll say I drag the podcast left, and even then, we only end up in the center.

I know people are talking out there that they don't think I have beliefs anymore.

Yeah, people do.

People add so funny to that.

Is Brian still political?

He used to do a political podcast, but we don't talk about politics on here yet.

This guy, here's a question, and this is interesting because this guy, this guy posted thing, habitual cocaine use by football fans is a problem the sport needs to face.

Brian?

Yeah.

I don't think this is.

Is that true?

Are you doing that?

Oh, Brian.

Brian never, Brian has, he's into pills he was big into um what was your big what were you big into pills pancakes i like all your pills you were huffing

i don't like oh you were huffing you were huffing gasoline as well oh i huffed when i was young yeah i haven't huffed since i've been an adult you don't see a lot of adults huffing gasoline no events

this is real he's from oh he's from grove

brian oh really groveport ohio but groveport i don't think you're from the same part i don't know i'm from daytime oh

oh yep that's pretty bad, too.

Hey, that's pretty bad.

All I have to say is that.

Well, no, we used to know.

You know what we used to, you know, what people in Groveport said about Dayton?

Because I used to go to concerts in Dayton.

I saw Pantera there like a million times when I was a kid.

Yeah.

People would say that Dayton is the major drug artery in this part of the country.

So there were just tons of drugs.

So we would go there to the concert and be like, God, I hope we can get some fucking good drugs there.

There's so many.

Like, it was known as a place with so many drugs.

How close was it to Grove?

Was it about an hour, 15 minutes, hour?

I got you.

We used to go there for concerts, and I'd be like, where's all the fucking drugs?

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

Never found a Nutter Center.

Yeah, no, not the Nutter Center, Hera Arena.

Oh, yeah, Hera Arena.

That sounds more your speed.

Yeah.

Yeah, it was pretty cool.

I saw Professor.

And the speed is very fast, by the way, because he's a fucking hopped off.

Yeah, I was not a drug kid,

but my brother-in-law is in the ER and can confirm lots of drug overdose.

Yeah, they would just say that like everybody there is a drug trafficker.

But that was like what we thought.

It wasn't like

you're at the Harrow Arena seeing Pantera.

I met my first straight edge there.

And like, so I'm at this concert.

Me and my friends were at this concert.

Straight Edge guys at the concert.

Who is there with you?

Can you give us a little rundown?

We know a lot of his friends.

Porno Sean, Nate, the Porno Sean was there.

Porno Sean was always at this.

He's the number one friend of Brian's from his past.

He was accumulating pornos to start open his own porno store.

Allegedly to open his porn store.

By Buckeye Lake.

By Buckeye Lake, but he had, all we know is he had a lot of pornos.

Look, I'm collecting it to open a store.

I don't even look at it.

Yeah, exactly.

That's what I used to.

I'm telling you, I would be like, why do you always go back to the porno section when we go anywhere?

And he's like, I'm going to open a porno store.

I'm a collector.

Yeah, not a collector.

I'm not doing, I'm doing this for business.

Yeah, he's not even.

even.

Yeah, he's like, I'm strictly like, listen, I understand that a lot of people like this smut.

So I'm just looking to give them what they want.

I find it abhorrent.

He was a very sort of.

Unfortunately, I spent too long collecting periodicals and now that is no longer in fashion.

I know.

It's a bummer for him.

He never got to open his porno store.

But this straight-edge guy's talking to us all, and he's like,

you know,

I don't do drugs.

And we were all like, what?

What do you mean?

We were so fascinated by the guy that we were just having.

Like, he's like, I don't eat meat, and we're like,

Excuse me, what?

Wait, we made him stand and talk to us for like 45 minutes because we were so fascinated.

He's like, I don't do drugs, I don't have sex, I don't eat meat, I don't like, I don't wear leather, and we were all just kind of standing there, like, that's fucking crazy.

Brian's childhood was so fucked up that, yeah, that was the first time he had ever met someone who didn't do drugs.

That was like, he was so fascinated.

He's like, wait, there are people who don't do drugs in the world.

Oh, my goodness.

I didn't know that.

I didn't know Coke was a soccer fan thing.

Oh, that's what it says.

It's like, I would say British lads, you know, like, you know, those British lads who are out there watching you see them on TV and stuff like that.

I don't know for a fact, but a lot of them look like the kind of guys who are doing Coke, and they act a lot like people who are on the coach.

They caught that one guy at the NBA game doing it up in the stands.

Oh, well, I mean, listen, there's a lot of people doing it is what I've found.

I'm not a fan.

I think it's, you know,

I can tell you what happens why there's Coke at the European Games is because they have made a law that you're not allowed to have alcohol in the stands anymore because they're maniacs over there.

So instead of doing alcohol, it's much easier to do Coke like in public.

Yeah, it's easier to get

a little vial necklace.

I mean, just taking a pill is the easiest way, you know, like or mushrooms or whatever, like taking something like that, boom, you hit it before you go, and then you're just like, you don't even have to do anything when you're going into a bathroom.

Like, mushrooms, mushrooms isn't totally different.

You're trying to get a different feeling from Coke.

And for Coke, the reason, here's what I think.

This is one of the other reasons I do Coke, because you can really cheer people on on Coke.

Like, it gives you the fucking like,

come on.

Yeah, you know, like, you become passionate.

Brian, did you do something for this podcast?

It honestly, it was just like you could see Brian just like sort of getting the feeling of like as he's talking about,

Brian.

Brian, you haven't done a drug like that in a long time, though.

Not really, no.

The last time I really went crazy on drugs was the last tour

from Street Fight because everywhere we went, people gave me drugs because they knew I loved them.

Yeah, and because you would activate that was always tough for me to watch when I would see like comics get handed drink after drink or shot after shot.

I'm like, I know it sounds so bleeding heart, or I don't even know how it sounds to be honest with you.

Like, don't hurt him.

But the truth is, it is.

It's like, oh, you love this guy, so you're handing him the thing that destroys him?

Yeah.

I mean, I will say, somehow, Brian, he never really got destroyed by it.

He's always, you know, he never did it a lot.

Like, he would presumably.

I have very specific

rules for that sort of thing now because I, listen, I don't want to bring everything down, but I did go to rehab.

I got kicked out of it, but I cleaned up.

It's not bringing anything down.

He talks about it a lot.

I mean, that was where Queber went to rehab, right?

Weber went to rehab, got kicked out of it, and then came back Brian.

Yeah, his name is.

In the end, I still became Brian.

He used to go by Queber when he was younger.

Go by that.

People called him that.

Yes, you got to make that.

I did not say, please, my dad's Brian.

Call me Queber.

I didn't, it's like,

you didn't introduce yourself and say, hello, I'm Cueber.

Noble request.

Nice to meet you.

My name is Cueber, Cueber Quinby of the Columbus Cue.

Yeah, the

Columbus Cue.

But yeah, he went.

One of my favorite things ever, too, is that Cueber, like he signed up for something, right?

That like he signed, Queber signed Brian up for like college or some shit, like some college courses.

And then he came out on the other end.

And like, so Queber basically set Brian up on the right path as he was watching himself be destroyed.

Like Queber knew it was the end for him.

And he's like, I'm going to make sure Brian has a much better life than me.

It was really kind of a sweet moment.

Oh, he signed up for community college to be marketing.

Like I, I specifically remember thinking, I'll be an ad man.

I can do that.

You'll be a sort of a Don Team.

You're going to be an adman.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, this is pre-that too.

Yeah, this is pre-that.

I just think I thought, like, I'll put on a suit.

I'll do some Coke.

I'll fucking come up with an idea for, like, you know, almond joy, and that'll be my life from now on.

Yeah, you know, yeah.

Anyway, this person goes,

go ahead.

Sorry, no.

Keep going.

No, you can go.

Coke is fine in the right places with the right people, but I honestly have no clue why you do it at the footy is what the first guy says.

And then this is.

I agree.

I honestly agree with that, but I do get it a little bit, Brian, with like getting excited and stuff.

But it just, I guess it depends i want to be watching the whole game so it's like a thing where you're like you keep wanting to do more and you're like going off to the bathroom to do it and you're just missing the game and that's where i think you and i are different where it's like i am sitting there and i am not missing a second of the game while it's on are you accusing me of not liking the game Brian, you

take pictures at the game and none of the pictures are like of what's going on.

You're never watching the game.

You're like at the ice cream machine or you're like, you're never

i hope there's an ice cream machine at this crew game or i'll never pay for those tickets again at the baseball they have mini helmets that they put the ice cream in and he's just i've got three of them this year so far oh yeah you got to get that helmet you got to get the helmet you don't get a jar with a churro in it no why would you do that that has nothing to do with baseball you can have the hats fit perfectly on a little cat head

i embarrassed my daughter this week there because you know she goes and waits in line with with me because she knows I'll pay for her ice cream.

You know what I mean?

So her and her boyfriend are like, let's go, let's go get some ice cream.

I buy their ice cream and then the, the, the, um,

the mascot, Lucille, came by, and I was like, Lucille.

And then she's like, oh,

like, did a high five and it's like, that's what I'm talking about.

And she was like, oh, no.

Can you say that's what I'm talking about?

Oh, Bruce.

Exact words.

I was like, that's what I'm talking about.

How did Gwen, How are Gwen and Asheron?

Were they both in burgers?

They're like, yeah.

They're like, oh, God.

They're mooching off you getting ice cream.

That's the kind of thing they're going to have to deal with.

Yeah, you got it.

That's the price that they pay, Scott.

That's the price that they pay.

Here's a guy that says, I've only ever seen Coke done once in my life, and it was when I was in the toilets at halftime during a game at the Eddie Hod.

Some older guy.

Yeah, some older guy, I'd say in his 50s, brought some from a dealer who was posted up by the sink and did it straight away.

I was totally in shock, to be honest.

Sidebar, the line to go was nightmarish.

Took me the whole halftime to actually get the pee.

And I was with three people at a time using the handicap stall.

One peeing into the toilet, two people just peeing against the wall in the various corners.

It was quite an experience.

Wait, this guy goes.

That's what I mean.

These people are just...

horrific people.

Who would do that?

You're just going into the stall and pissing on the wall of the stall over and over again.

People are doing that.

Like, that is so disgusting.

Only, only at the Ediad.

You'd only see that.

You never see that at Old Trafford.

Old Trafford, much more class there.

This guy goes, the reason the cubicles were full was because everyone was doing Coke.

No one needs a cubicle at a football unless they're doing a key.

You've seen it being done countless times.

You just haven't realized it.

And then this guy replies to that and he goes, he replies to the thing where it it says, no one needs a cubicle at the football game unless they're doing a key.

This guy goes, I have IBS.

Sometimes I just got to go.

That guy

doesn't need the crap.

Excuse me, but

I think you'll probably feel pretty stupid when I tell you that I have irritable bowel syndrome.

That's how you win an argument.

Yeah, I can't actually control what I should.

Somebody get out of here.

I need to poop.

This guy's like, it's not a problem.

I mean, maybe if the players are doing Coke, I would disagree with that.

I think the players doing Coke would be fine, too.

Shout out to Robbie Fowler.

Robbie Fowler from Liverpool with the famous when he pretended to snort the lime like on the line.

That's like a really famous gold celebration from the 90s or 80s.

All right, I found this thing.

It was interesting.

I found it in a group.

I'm not going to say the name of the group or anything, but it's a soccer story.

Okay.

This is from

a subreddit called J.O.

Buddy Stories.

Jack Off Buddy?

Me and my soccer buddies in a hot tub.

During the summer, before my sophomore year in college, I spent a lot of time with two buddies from my soccer team.

Jack was shorter than me, maybe 5'10, and Kev was a taller 6'1 or so.

We were all thin soccer builds.

Most evenings we seemed to end up at Jack's house, a beautiful home in the middle of nowhere.

Mostly we did stupid shit, like drink monsters while watching a Blair Witch project or something.

Holy shit.

That's not stupid.

That's not actually stupid at all.

Don't, please don't.

That's actually one of the coolest things I've ever heard.

Drinking a number of monster energy drinks.

Blair Witch.

Hey, hey,

you're over at the fridge?

Grab me another monster, you know?

People used to think this movie was real.

Yeah.

I know the woman who was the girl.

I know the girl.

Oh, yeah.

From the Blair Witch Project.

Oh, my gosh.

Do you know the

four times, thinking it was real all four times?

Yeah, she uh directed a pilot, self-produced pilot up in Nevada City, like weed country.

It was called THC, The High Country.

Oh, that's good.

And I play it.

It was me and Brent Weinbach and Reinsinger.

Oh, nice.

Yeah, she wasn't.

I love that movie.

So is she the girl?

She was the girl?

Like the one that was the black

corner.

She was standing in the game.

I only saw the movie because I don't like scary stuff, but it wasn't.

She was standing in the corner, girl.

Okay.

It's so funny.

Me and my, me, and, me, and my wife went and saw the movie so many times.

I was like, I can't believe how real it is.

And in the news,

they were like saying it's not real.

Yeah.

And I was just like, I can't believe this fucking movie.

We got to go watch it again.

Made all of our friends go with us the second time.

And they were like, what the fuck was that?

Like, they didn't like it, you know?

And

they maybe watched the news or whatever.

Because I think it's different.

If you can really suspend your disbelief or be stupid enough to think it's actually real, like, I don't want to say, I don't know which one you think about Brian, but

I would say that it would be an incredible movie then at that point when you're like, oh shit, they found documentation of this like really fucked up experience that these kids had.

Like, that would be really scary.

But one night after the house had fallen asleep, we found some porn on late night HBO.

By the way, hot wife tier on patreon.com/slash guys podcast.

We're going to start watching real sex from HBO.

It was some terrible movie about a chick who fingers herself until she comes spider webs.

Only horny college boys would get turned on by it, and we were

like erotic fan fiction somewhere.

This was JO stories.

Yeah, it is.

You have to understand is that like

Brian is like, he has, he's like a hedo kind of, if you know, hedonism or whatever, or like the pineapple lifestyle.

He's just kind of interested in this stuff.

So when it comes down to it, he's always going to find something to talk about sexual.

This is where it gets good.

Pretty soon we were comparing balls.

Comparing balls with your friends.

I've heard of comparing dicks, you know what I mean?

Dick sizes, but I've never heard of comparing balls before.

Like, oh, shit, you got some, hey, Danny's got some real droopers, you know.

Yeah.

I thought mine were tight.

You barely dropped.

Holy shit, you got the tightest fuckers I ever seen.

You know, like, really, like, look at this fucker over here.

He's got tight fuckers.

Like, you know, they're like real skills.

Real horse.

This is like a straight guy trying to write like gay porno.

It's like, oh, yeah, they compare balls with each other, I guess.

I know.

It is.

It's

straight erotic fiction.

Totally.

It's what straight guys would imagine gay guys acting like.

I ran my finger over the seam of his ball sound.

Much thicker than mine.

Because looking back, I'm positive they were just as hard and throbbing as I was, though none of us would admit it.

So, for the time being, we settled with fishing our testicles out of our basketball shorts and holding our arms in just the right way to disguise our erections.

I don't think if you're if you're if you're comparing balls, I think you're going to be able to tell if the person's hard that you're comparing balls.

I agree.

I think this guy's out of his mind.

I think this person, yeah, this person is not familiar with the sexuality.

And unfortunately, I don't think they've come out of the closet either.

Yeah,

they could use some information.

I will say that if you're going to go into this kind of thing,

it's like you know you can't get wet for men, but you're hanging around your girlfriends and you're sliding left and right all over the couch.

It's like, um, I think you might be

okay.

Do you have any advice on how to start getting more wet around guys?

Jack had the biggest balls I'd ever seen, and they were shaved clean.

Kevin's were smaller than mine, but not by much, and both of ours had a bit of hair.

Then Jack asked if we'd ever tried putting our dicks in hot tub jets.

We hadn't.

So we stripped down naked and hopped in the tub in Jack's backyard.

Still shy, we all had pretty successfully hidden our goodies in the waddle to the jacuzzi.

We got in and found our respective jets.

Jack was to my left, and Kev was across from me.

It was unreal.

I almost came immediately.

Not just from the jets.

They're sticking their dick at hot tub jets.

It's so funny to me.

That's a tiny hole.

I remember.

That is also true.

I had a hot tub growing up, never stuck my dick in anything in the hot tub.

Good.

I think that's unsafe.

He was not even interested.

He was not interested in sticking his dick in anything, though.

That was the thing.

Let me tell you, if the hot tub had some sort of big nipple on it, it would have been a different start.

He would have been suckling that all day and night.

He had different interests at the time, Beth.

That's all I'll say.

He had a girlfriend who would have loved for him to try to get

that dick involved, and he was just like not

interested.

But at this point, we still hadn't.

He's a nip guy.

He's a nip.

And I'm sorry, we brought it up a few times.

We brought it up with Gareth Evans, and I apologize.

I don't like to bring it up, to be honest.

I try to avoid bringing it up because it embarrasses Brian, but it does seem to come up every now and then.

I don't know.

Brian's the one reading this erotic fan fiction.

I loved it.

I love this stuff, though.

It kills me.

I remember Jack was in his own world against what must have been his favorite jet.

Kev and I went back and forth between trying out the jets and just hanging out naked and hard in a hot tub.

I don't know where Kev thrusted his hips above the water and showed off his fully erect penis.

It was straight, maybe a touch thinner than mine, so a very good-looking cock.

He's really obsessed with like, you know, the sizes, comparing the sizes of it.

That's sort of the big thing.

It was slightly thinner than mine, same length, balls a little bit bigger, his slightly smaller.

I mean, this is.

But I could tell it had character, and I wanted to get to know it better.

Oh, you're going to love this next line.

Let me give you a line here.

Soon Jack and I followed suit.

We commented warily about the differences.

We were all pretty much the same size, six inches in cut.

The balls were the real game changer.

And I remember

I remember when Kev saw mine, he said that it looked fake.

The balls were a real game changer here.

Okay.

this this is yeah this is really

not it's this is really poorly written

ball centric

yeah it just can you imagine a love letter from this guy

yeah

yeah

it's so much ball

I listen I've we've done a over like a hundred and twenty something episodes and I've read every kind of erotic fiction

from Jeep guys to fucking you know what I mean like all of it.

And none of them ever talks about the balls as much as this guy talks about.

I've never

seen anybody talk that much about

it.

I think everyone listening is like, of course.

The balls.

You know what I mean?

Of course he's into the balls.

He's a soccer guy.

Oh, yeah, that's true.

We'll come maybe back to this.

I want to tell some jokes before we get out of here.

Oh, nice.

Sometimes I got two comedians on here, and I found 27 soccer jokes

that are so totally inbounds.

Come on, ref.

That's funny.

Why did everyone steer clear of the striker in the game?

Because he was offensive.

Well, you kind of got it.

You didn't get it the right words because it says on the field, he was pretty offensive.

But I got it.

Nope.

You got to get the words right.

You're a comedian.

You know how important the words are.

Give it up, everyone.

I got that right.

You know, I got that right.

This is.

And by the way, I do want to shout out the guys fan who we got this sent to us

and the guys fan who it was like nine people in a general knowledge quiz on one of those YouTube videos.

And the guy was wearing guys merchandise, a flubhead t-shirt, and he fucking won the whole thing.

Trivia?

Yeah, he won trivia, Brian.

He did what nobody on guys

has ever done, and he won trivia.

I won trivia twice.

Guys podcast.

Yeah, but this is verified.

The difference between this one, Beth, is that we have video of this guy winning the trivia, whereas Brian was done all analog, and it's just word of mouth, and it's very much up for debate.

And most people,

I don't have like a position on it, but most people feel like he did not win this.

I won trivia.

I went to trivia this week and had the worst time of all time.

I debated it.

My daughter kept saying, my daughter kept saying, what?

I'm not sure that, Beth.

I think he loses loses some of it and loses some more.

My daughter was like, just go home if you're going to be like this.

How old is she again?

She's

20 years old.

So she's like, yeah, she's very cool.

She's been on the podcast before.

We love her.

We love Ashley.

Friends were there, too.

Her boy.

Oh, her friends were there?

All of them.

I'm surprised she doesn't like it when you talk to the mascot.

I mean,

she doesn't like...

She gets really, she loves.

They have a great relationship, just to be cool.

We've said it many times.

They get along very well.

And they do.

They have, they really, but she gets very embarrassed by him, as you can imagine.

And he is a bit of a, he can be a bit of a drag on

an evening if things are going badly.

I get it.

I give real bad.

Like, first of all, that happened.

And then the next night.

Her and Katie, my wife, were texting each other at the baseball game because they had different seats than us.

It just so happened that we were in the same sort of area.

He doesn't, see, the thing is, he's like, he needs the special best seats.

So even if there's only a few of them there, then he has to get those and his wife has to sit somewhere else.

So they're texting and they're they do this

they do this hot dog race in the uh sixth inning where you're supposed to bet on which hot dog wins.

Yeah, it's a lot of fun.

It's just a fun little thing.

They've been doing it forever with a different variation of it.

They're texting each other.

They're like, which one are you going to pick?

That's cute.

And then I replied, it's all a work.

It doesn't even matter.

They both thumbs downed it so fast.

Yeah, of course.

Being the little buzzkill.

Yeah, yeah.

That's his favorite, a little buzzkill.

Buzzkill, Brian.

The trivia pissed me off because it was music, right?

And

what was the answer that you didn't get?

They would play a piece of a song.

They would play like the beginning of a song or something.

And you had to get it.

Two seconds.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Now, here's the thing.

Most of it was new music I would never know.

One was Juice World songs.

I was like, well, I don't think the Juice World song.

You don't know that.

I know.

R.I.P.

Juice World.

Juice World's actually passed away.

And then the next one, the next one,

something else like new, just very like Imagined Dragons type stuff.

And I was like, fuck, I'll never answer this.

And then

they're like, this is our next category.

And I'm sitting in a seat with my wife, one of her friends, one of my daughter's parents, one of my daughter's friends' parents.

We're all sitting there.

We're getting excited.

Everybody's drinking except for me.

And they're not your friends, just to be clear.

Your daughter's friends' parents, but not friends of yours.

No, not really.

And they go, this next category,

new metal.

Oh, shit.

As you can tell, he's wearing a slip knot.

I mean, he's a slip knot's not new metal, but he's

new metal.

They're considered new metal.

They jumped up.

I jumped up and was like, yes, like that.

And then I got one wrong.

I was so embarrassed.

Oh,

I couldn't have been more embarrassed.

It was, it was going under by Evanescence, which I should have gotten.

I've heard it a million fucking times.

I know the song.

I would have got that one.

But I thought they were messing around and they were playing Fly Leaf.

So I picked Fly Leaf.

This guy gets all in his head about.

That's the obvious answer.

It's like they're probably fucking trying to like, yeah, he got

way too hard about it.

everybody was depending on me in that moment that's you know what i mean

that's yes because it was your category yeah yes and you have to hit the button on the thing and then hit submit and it's just like it's a speed thing i hate speed stuff too unless i'm on coke i hate speed stuff

okay but you haven't done coke in a while i know i should um so yeah yeah yeah i i got one wrong But boy, did I keep up my end of the deal.

I mean, these songs, I just got them in like a second.

But you were nailing the rest of them, you're saying, but then you guys didn't win though no we came in 12th my daughter's team won whoa what

yeah so you usually play

music you usually play with your daughter and you guys very rarely if ever win and now you're saying she dropped the dead weight that is you you finished in 12th and her team finished in first place

She did finish in first place and I did finish in 12th.

How many teams were there?

Be honest.

Like a lot 40.

that's not bad yeah thank you that's not bad how do birds cheer for their favorite soccer teams um

um wait wait wait they do they tweet it tweet about it or no they egg them on that's stupid that's stupid why is it always warmer after a soccer game

um because

a lot of the players are extremely hot because they brought the heat because all the fans have left.

Oh!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're locked inside a car with nothing but a soccer ball.

How do you get out?

You throw, you smash the soccer ball through the windows.

You kick out the windows.

You actually unlock the door and pull the handle.

That's the stupidest thing.

So that is, it was like the thing that I was, it was the stupid.

Sort of.

And then finally, we got this page.

I told Chris I had 200 plus soccer Riz pickup lines.

Funny, dirty, romantic.

And so this is soccer Riz,

really.

So here's a list of pickup lines.

Hey, with you by my side, every day feels like a winning goal in extra time.

I hate it.

Yeah.

I love the end of the show bringing the jokes and everybody's like, fuck.

People are reading it.

I must be offside because I've fallen for you faster than the lineman's flag linesman it says lineman lineman would be like somebody on like on the line it says linesman i'm sure i got that wrong

our our passion i love this one our connection is stronger than the most passionate soccer rivalry

but wait the columbus crew and the flirt flurries no van curver white

i said the vancerver white socks the van curver

White Sox.

The Vancervy White guys.

The Vancouver White Sox

is so good for the Vancouver White Caps.

Now we know what one of our next merch's thing is going to be.

We'll get sued by the White Caps.

By the Vancouver White Sox?

Yeah, we'd get sued by the,

you're saying doing a logo of the Vancouver White Caps to make it the Vancouver Vancouver.

Vancouver White Girls.

I think Vancouver White Girls.

Yeah, yes.

Vancouver White guys.

Van Kirvy Wife Guys is all right, too.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I promise to support this.

I said this one to my wife last night.

I promise to support you like the most dedicated soccer fan in both victories and defeats.

Huh.

Yes.

Our love is like a soccer match under the lights.

Magical and exciting.

That's the end.

That's Riz.

That's the end of the show.

It's called Riz.

It's called Riz.

i've never had a riz

yeah yeah i have a stepson me too and he's always talking about riz my daughter skibbity toilet however

how old about to be 12.

oh so

11 year old kids are just like talking about riz all the time what the heck and skibbity toilet and oh

yeah that whole ohio thing it's like yeah hey don't talk about ohio you don't know nothing about

shut the fuck up oh is that your parenting style as the stepmom?

That's cool.

Get back in your room where I put you 12 years ago.

Beth, I want to thank you for coming on.

It was very fun to have you.

I'm glad I got to meet you, Brian.

Also, this is, I think, maybe in history, the first podcast I've ever done laying down.

Wow.

Hey, you did great.

Did you notice how I was lying down the entire time?

A couple of times I had to move.

I only noticed when you got up.

How'd it work out?

You know what?

I got scared at one point in time that I was going to like, I don't know, Louis C.K.

you guys or expose myself because I'm in shorts.

Jeffrey.

You know what I mean?

Like I moved and it feels inappropriate, even though obviously I have clothes on.

Yeah.

How was the podcast?

How was the podcast with Beth?

And then we're just like, ooh, do not ask.

Louis C.K.'d us.

She gave us the...

She gave us the, well, it was actually going super well until she gave us the full CK treatment.

And yeah, we'll be publishing an article about it.

Well, yeah.

And she's given us this.

Me and Chris are comparing.

Yeah, we're trying to be reversible.

Keep talking about Pocker.

Keep talking about.

Brian and I are doing the normal thing we do on every podcast where we compare the size of our balls.

Beth started asking how thick the seam was.

Beth, where

you're a stand-up comedian.

Where can people find you?

You could go to Bethstelling.com.

That has to be a lot of fun.

You know, I'm going to be in Toronto.

I think it actually is holiday weekend for them, for the Canadians.

Is that July 4th?

Or July?

Oh, then maybe I'm wrong.

I feel like the club maybe misled me on that because they were like, oh, it might be our holiday.

Let me see here.

Yeah, but yeah, we were in Toronto, actually.

We did a couple of live streams.

I'm in Spokane this weekend, but I'm not sure when this comes out.

No, it doesn't come out.

But this is the way this guy operates it.

You'd be lucky it comes out before

one one episode.

It's fine.

So I'll be in Toronto June 27th through 28th, but I don't know if that's

if you still need more time, Pittsburgh, July 24th.

No, no, this will be out for that.

This will be out for the Toronto one.

Great.

June 27th through 28th.

And we have a lot of people because the last episode we have is June 17th.

We know a lot of listeners in Toronto.

We do know that.

Like I said, we went and did live shows in Toronto, so we know there's a lot of Toronto listeners.

So go check out the show.

I would love to see you guys come out to the comedy bar.

Yeah, Beth.

Friday and Saturday.

June 17th.

Oh, Oh, and

the comedy bar is the best place to watch comedy in Toronto.

You didn't actually perform there because they said no.

Well, they didn't say no.

They didn't have the dates.

That's all.

They just didn't have the dates.

That's all.

That was all that it was.

But yeah, no, Comedy Bar rocks.

We did it at a rock and roll club.

You know, we're kind of like an alternative act a little bit, Beth.

So we kind of did it at like an alternative sort of venue.

But yeah, no, honestly, Beth is a very funny stand-up.

A lot of you probably know her already, but if you don't, check her out.

And then, yeah, go watch her live in Toronto.

Please do.

I would love to see you.

I got specials on Netflix, HBO Max.

I got a new one coming July 2nd to Veeps.

It's called the Landlord Special.

You will look at the video.

I just want to say that

you'll know if anybody from the podcast does show up.

They will be the ones with the pineapple signs making a lot of comments, yelling things out.

Please keep other people's shuts.

You can put it in the middle of the middle.

Go to Beth's show.

And if you guys could, just so that she knows that you're there, if you could yell out things that make no sense to her that are references from the podcast, that would really help us out a lot.

I'd like you to talk about your ball sack with me.

Let's compare balls.

Hey, I love it.

Next live show.

The next live show, I did magic on the last one, and then I also tasted coffee on the last one.

We drank cat poo coffee.

We drank the cat poo coffee that the cats were.

Never mind.

A cat eats the coffee and it craps it out, and then they clean the crap off of the coffee beans.

And then you drink the coffee.

It's the most expensive coffee you use.

It's the most expensive coffee in the world.

It's like a real delicacy.

Why?

Who knows?

I don't like it.

I'm sorry.

Was it good or no?

No.

It tastes like coffee.

I didn't get anything out.

So we got the.

The good thing about it, though, Beth, I did appreciate, though, is that it was, at least it was coffee-flavored.

Nowadays, you can't even find coffee-flavored coffee.

Okay.

All these liberals.

And finally, finally, next time the open of the show is going to be me and Chris comparing balls.

And we will see you later.

Goodbye, everybody.

Bye.

Sweet.

Okay, you can stop the record.