Guys: Episode 93 - Fantasy Football Guys with David J Roth

Hey, sports fans, welcome to Guys, the podcast about guys.

I'm football Brian, and with me is my co-host, Master of the Gridiron, Chris James.

Hi, Chris.

When did you decide to stop insulting me?

I'm not complaining about it, but you used to insult me off the top.

And at some point.

You're a huge fucking loser at fantasy football.

Oh, I should have done it.

Here, let me go back.

Let me go back.

Yeah, yeah, let's take it again.

And the taco of

the episode, Chris James.

Wait, is that John LeJois?

Was that his character?

I don't know what you're talking about.

The league.

Wasn't that?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's what it is.

That's what it is.

The only guy I know in the league did 9-11.

So

that's the Stephen Randanza.

Randy's easy.

Randy's.

Fuck you, Brian, by the way, for

making me feel crazy when I'm like, you mean John LeJois?

And you're like, I don't know what you're talking about.

Like, as if I had just said the craziest thing ever.

But no, I was actually right.

I fucking thought you were saying John Leguazamo.

I apologize.

Jesus Christ.

And our guest this week,

David J.

Roth Roth from Perfector.

Hi, James.

How's it going?

Don't even get like tagged with Mr.

Too Damn drafting a kicker too high or anything.

Yeah.

It's just

too much of a coward to insult the guest.

He knows, he knows me.

I'm his punching bag, basically.

It's been a rough two weeks for me on this show.

Already.

It's been an awful two weeks for me on this show.

People have accused me of cheating on trivia, and it just is these persistent rumors of which actually ends up making me look like more of a psycho than they already think I am because nobody should cheat at trivia.

It's stupid.

Unless you're running money.

I agree.

Nobody should cheat at trivia.

And I also, nobody said you cheated at trivia.

We just like presented the facts and we said, you guys decide what you feel.

I mean, I think the facts are clear personally, but we never made any accusations.

Well, one of my favorite things about the subject we're doing this week is the persistent cheating in the fantasy football world.

It is

so good how often, listen, maybe people don't even cheat that much,

but there's accusations of cheating in every league, in every post.

Like it, I was fucking shocked at the amount at the amount of it.

I'm curious.

So let's, let's, I, I have, I've participated in fantasy football only twice.

I was a big fantasy baseball guy.

I used to play, uh, you know, do it, but, but never really participate too much.

Brian, I'm assuming you have not ever been involved in fantasy football.

I played once.

Twice, twice.

I played twice, but I quit the second time after like one week because I was

like, what age were you?

Like 10 years ago.

I was doing a street fight.

I know that.

It was like a family league.

I got you.

And you weren't into it, though.

I was the first year because I was winning.

The second year, I was not into it.

I hated it because I was losing.

And I just gave up after a week.

And most people did in that league anyway.

We're all like, man, I'm not even watching football.

But,

David, now you, do you play fantasy football regularly?

Have you?

I do.

Yeah.

For years.

I've been one league I've been in with friends for like more than 20 years.

Like, and it's like, like basically like predated before

like it was like easy to do it on Yahoo Sports.

Like it wasn't like hand scored or anything like that, but it was like a long enough time ago that we would like all be in the same room making it smell crazy for like four hours picking our teams.

Like that's not feasible anymore but like it goes back that far for me this is why i'm curious about like who brian had on his team like 10 years ago that is admirable uh rg3 is the only guy really remember that's um

i i i i don't know i i i like tried to draft i remember we were drafting and i tried to draft like random guys because like I wanted to seem smarter than everybody else.

Oh, have sleepers.

Oh, yes, that was my goal.

That'll work if you like do that a couple of times.

But if every single player you're drafting is off board, I think they start thinking you're a crazy person at that point.

But I wanted like my wife, because my wife was playing too, I wanted her to be like, man, that's a guy I haven't even heard of.

Like, I was treating it like music.

Like, when you're like, I really like this underground band that nobody knows about except for

tight ends, name two of their albums.

Yeah, and the first year, the first year, I had drafted enough guys that I had heard of that did well that I got almost to the playoffs.

The second year, doing the same strategy, actually, even worse, the second year, I didn't even almost do the same strategy.

I just drafted all the same guys again.

Yeah.

I was like, yeah, it went well last year.

Why not?

Let's just do it again.

Fantasy sports brain shit, too, though.

Like, I'm routinely, I'm in like two football leagues this year, but I've had for baseball, I've been in like three or four leagues at a time.

And it's like, whatever team I draft first, which I'm never ready to do, I then like recreate with all the other teams because it's the sort of thing where like at some point I was like, I don't even think that like Nolan Arenado is going to be good again, but I did like two weeks ago.

And so now I'm committed to picking him to play third base for every other team that I have.

See, some guys I definitely can sympathize with quitting because there's definitely, it's a bad feeling to be just like maintaining.

your shitty fantasy team out of like just respect for the game or whatever like halfway through through a winner when you're just losing and everybody.

Well, it sucks to lose.

It sucks to lose and it's embarrassing and humiliating.

And, you know, people say, oh, you have to fight through adversity.

Not always.

Sometimes you just quit.

Yeah, not really.

Also, like in real life, you should.

Like, if you're playing sports,

like, go for it, you know, like put your back into it.

Try to, you know, do, but if it's the sort of thing where like you're, you drafted a bunch of guys that hurt their knees, like you don't really owe anybody else.

Yeah.

If you're saying just like use your time like better and just like enjoy your time because yeah, that's, it's not, if you're already just going to lose anyways, then why waste the time?

Now, I have a question for you, David, because you play.

I'm trying to understand, are you, do you like the stats behind it?

Like, are, or do you watch the games?

Do you know what I'm saying?

Like, is it, because I think there's like two different types of people.

I think a lot of sports fans, they like fantasy.

Same reason they gamble or whatever.

You're just trying to give importance to the games.

Like, we know we love sports.

We know we want to watch sports, but it's like the game has to mean something.

So you're trying to give it meaning.

And then other fantasy people just are love numbers and love stats, you know?

Yeah, I think that's the, I was trying to sort of like work this out in my head before we recorded too, because I think that there's like, there's people that, I mean, obviously I'm old enough, but then also like, you know, I played sports, like I always enjoyed watching them.

So there's like a part of it where it's like, I do watch the games.

I like doing that.

It's fun for me, like

in an uncomplicated way that's, you know, more or less the way that it has been for my entire life.

You get the ice cream and a baseball and a little baseball helmet.

Yeah, I get a helmet and a little pink spoon to dig it out in there.

I get

some jimmies on it.

I'll tell you something.

Well, none of that.

You just vanilla ice cream.

Sorry, David.

I should have warned you.

This is a this is no sprinkle.

It's no sprinkle zone.

It's just a pretty serious topic for Brian.

I was trying to rely.

I saw him kind of going to sleep a little bit because we were talking about sports stuff.

And he can't help it, but he's got no interest in sports.

He doesn't care about it at all.

Oh, I do now.

I'm going to hockey in two.

I went to hockey and I'm going to hockey in two weeks.

You guys

have a blue jackets guy?

Yeah.

Opening the luxury.

I went to the game and I was like, oh, you know, I was sitting in a seat and I hated it.

But then I looked around and I saw these luxury boxes.

And then I found out if you get in a luxury box, they give you free food.

And secondly, I believe there's a soft serve ice cream machine up there that you're just allowed to use yourself.

That's ridiculous.

That can't possibly be.

I think it might be, but you guys can something you thought like that's in a dream or something that you had where you thought that that can't be real.

But also,

the reason all that stuff is free and I'm using quotations is because it's extremely expensive.

Oh, really?

Because I bought two seats for two weeks from now at the Blue Jackets versus Pittsburgh Penguins.

And how much is that?

Special box.

How much?

I am.

And the Diamond Cellar VIP club

how much how much do those cost if you don't mind me asking 11

two of them it was two of them and it was cheaper way cheaper than that see how much how much was it say how much it was 500

for two for two yeah you know that's not i nobody gives a about hockey yeah nobody gives

it's like early regular season hockey yeah like honestly if you're right about this ice cream thing which i have to say my first instinct is that you can't possibly be but if you are right about the ice cream thing,

that's more or less going to pay for itself.

I know, because I'm going to go.

But they don't have helmets.

That's what pisses me off.

Just bring your own helmet.

You're not allowed to use

one.

You can't do that.

Two, I want a hockey helmet, not some baseball helmet.

Why don't you go and order

order a mini hockey helmet off of Amazon or whatever?

Or I need them to do it.

So that's not bad.

I paid, I was going to say, I paid almost that amount to go to one single game in the nosebleeds last year, but it was game five.

It was game five against Edmonton where JT Miller scored the goal, the winning goal, where everyone thought the Canucks were going to the Stanley Cup.

It was an incredible atmosphere.

And people who watched my stream helped me pay for it.

I didn't pay for the whole thing.

I hated being in no seats.

I hated being in regular guy's seats.

I did not like that.

See, though, I mean, that's such a crazy thing to say because nobody thinks that.

Only like

only

people you you hate so much think that or it's like people that just don't like sports and they're like

that's why i have to get up and pay like a la carte for every ice cream i get like fucking schno

that's what other people are doing i'm getting what i believe to be probably free access to the machine yeah which i just i can't imagine that is going to be crazy i'm telling you

such a bad idea that i now want it to be the case it is the case i just know it there's food and drink in there, too.

So the idea of just someone having six beers and then being like, I'm going to, I bet I could do a swirl.

I bet I could do chocolate vanilla at the same time.

I'm pretty smart.

Like, I'm going to look at your doc and then just trying to make it happen.

We'll see.

I'm excited.

So I went to Quora first and I said, I searched,

why do people like fantasy football?

And Owen answered

what we were just talking about.

So now we'll get a little bit of input from the internet.

Owen is a lifelong die-hard sports fan of most any sport.

So, uh, wow, that's exciting.

Goes, my, my knee-jerk answer is, I know, right?

However, we can do better.

Let's ponder.

Uh, Chris likes it when guys ponder.

When people are growing up and going to grade school, if they're the type, their lives are full of contests, pissing matches, sports, and physical activities, galore.

Not me, none of those.

I didn't do any of that.

Well, pissing match, I guess in a way, but not really, you know.

Well, you're too busy fucking, you know,

stranger attack from

a lot of physical activities.

Your physical activities was fucking violence gang related stuff.

In the animal world.

The only workouts that this guy got was when him and his violence gang pals got sent to the quink for a couple of months.

They did some fucking workouts in the yard.

I never went to jail, okay?

He goes, in the animal world,

young males are constantly butting heads and trying to appear the best and strongest in, quote, the herd in order to get some breeding rights.

High school is a lot like that from what I recall, LOL.

Then we go to college and we mature, and many people still have that competitive nature, but not so many outlets as they were used to up to that point.

as they were used to up to that point in their lives.

We play drinking games, are still competing for the ladies' attention, and beginning the act of living vicariously through the young peer athletes that play play sports for our schools.

It is the most significant outlet for those competitive juices that run deep in some.

Then finally, we finish school and are thrust into the real world where we have to work all day, every day.

And while there's some competition in our work lives, it's really not the same in most cases.

And we seek some replacement for those schoolboy games and college athlete heroes.

Voila, famous, fantasy, fantasy, fantasy sports.

We can't play professional football, but we can pretend.

We can gather with like-minded individuals and have our little pissing matches and spend lots of time in a new proving ground.

The more competitive you are, the more like you, likely you will end up in a fantasy league with real stakes when it comes to winning and especially losing.

Some of the last place shenanigans border on the abusive, and it'll help motivate that competitive nature we grew up with and yearned to hang on to.

Or at least it's a working theory I could sell.

What's your theory?

This guy is a real freak.

yeah i i like that this story that he's telling basically like

more or less you're dead when you're like 22.

so that like fantasy football is basically palliative care that you do with your homies for the last six decades of your life

yeah i like the idea that it also it also scratches the same itch as like a bear or a lion taking down a gazelle right that's exactly how i feel when i put in a waiver claim for the guy that's backing up the running back that I drafted earlier.

It's basically like a ram on a mountaintop slamming my skull into a rivals.

Doesn't he know about like a beer league?

You could still.

Yeah.

Oh, you can't do physical stuff, though, when you're 27.

That's when your body's all broken down.

You never do it no more.

But like, I think, I mean, he's right.

It's just, but he didn't have to say all that stuff.

It's just like

guys are kind of competitive.

Some guys are competitive and they like to, you know, they like the competitive stuff and they grew up with sports.

And so it's like, hey, here's a way to be competitive with sports and feel like I'm.

Right.

Without having to do anything.

Like they don't need the like the Jordan Peterson like freeze on details there where it's like evolutionary biology tells us that fantasy football is like as in days of yore.

Like not really, dude.

Like it's like a thing you can do the entire thing on your phone now.

It's a nerd thing to do too.

It's not cool.

I mean,

it can be cool.

It can be cool.

I'm not even joking i'm not just saying that people doing it i'm not no it's not because

i'm under no illusions about it being cool like it's like something

you i wouldn't i see that too about it and yet steve ranizos does it look at him and he made it

to do 9-11 he escaped from some uh the yeah the twin towers or possibly

dad i don't remember or he may he may have done it i'm not that up to speed on the story he should have done it i have uh i went to another subreddit to find out some fantasy football information it was was called

Hot Wife Lifestyle.

And this is from Captain Spastic.

Is it actually from

the Hot Wife subreddit?

Yeah, it says Hot Wife Fantasy Football.

So my wife is the bigger football fan of the group.

And recently she's talked about possibly doing a fantasy football with a few of her play partners where the person who wins the league gets to have have her for 24 hours to do with as they please.

That's kind of cool.

That's kind of a cool.

Well, that's been an interesting variation, honey, because it's always like, well, what's the prize going to be?

You know, cash prize.

That's good.

But, like,

that's kind of cool.

Do whatever.

You know, I mean,

I was going to say, like, if I win my league this year, I'm going to get $160.

Well, this problem is neither of us know enough about fantasy football to know how to go about doing it.

So they don't even know how to do it.

They're just like,

oh,

this puts the

first poster in context, context too, because it's for me, it's like, yeah, the stakes are very low.

Like, I like Venmo'd someone $20 three months ago.

The idea of being like, you, every waiver claim is basically like someone you went to college with gets to fuck your wife

for 24 hours.

The 24 hours part is the crazy part to me.

It's not like, because these guys are fucking each other's wives all the time.

That's why they have to make it 24 hours.

Because it's like, it's not like you get to fuck my wife.

Oh, whoa.

I guess I'm just going to be awesome.

day of the week that ends with why you know like this guy's his wife whenever he wants but like imagine like you can have her for 24 hours locked in a room and she's not allowed to leave

well that's you know they're a surprise you get to you get to have lunch with her too Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Hang on a second.

You get to,

I guess, go into the other room and make yourself busy while she uses the washroom.

You know, yeah, because you're spending the whole day together 24 hours.

So,

uh, Monopoly Man 1313 says that sounds exciting.

I saw, I love it, I love Swinger.

I know

element right here, man.

This is like, I feel like you're just completely in command of the podcast at this moment.

I love the line that sounds exciting.

Because the thing is,

I have found

like I brought this up recently on the stream that

I'm in a few new subreddit for newbies groups on Facebook to find stuff for the show.

And I have found that like, I would say 80% of the people in the subreddit are just single guys or married guys saying, how you get your wife to do that?

Like asking the people that actually have experience, like how they get.

the people to do it.

And so like when somebody says, ooh, that sounds exciting.

I just picture them like very hornily typing that in.

I saw a post from a group of swinging couples that play fantasy football and the husband who wins get to fuck the last place husband's wife for 24 hours.

Okay, that's a different thing.

Yeah.

And get to have her.

I mean, you get to fuck her for 24 hours.

Tom could do it, probably.

I know some friends, people who could do it, but.

you know it depends on he honestly the biggest issue is his fucking hand gets tired from all the pumping yes my wife and i will gamble her for the fsu games games against a fan of the other team this season since they went undefeated there wasn't much action and they got screwed by alabama we let an alabama fan do the same the bowl game bet obviously ended in georgia fan absolutely destroying her they went upstairs during the second quarter and he cream pied her four times

four times that could gored her

it's a longer usually especially once you get into the bowl season there's a halftime show.

There's a lot of ads and a lot of ad breaks and just like a lot of fanfare, but that's still, I feel like a quarter of Mars plays three songs.

Like it could be done.

I don't know,

but you're they're talking about in a quarter.

Well, maybe, maybe you're right.

Maybe it didn't specify in a quarter.

He went up in the second quarter, maybe just continued to creampire for the rest of the game.

I'm not sure.

Is this explained later in the post, Brian?

He goes, on the bright side, she really enjoyed him.

And since then, he has become a daily driver.

And I've never heard daily driver, so I have no idea what that is.

Also, not a fantasy football term.

So that's that's no, no, no, no.

I would assume that's just that's a that's a bull who fucks your hot wife every day.

Using hot clues, I would assume that every day, yeah, that's fucking

fuck your hot wife.

When do you get to fuck your hot wife in there, you know?

Every day he is like it, where that would otherwise be happening.

I think this person is just scouring the waiver wires, making making sure that this doesn't happen again.

Well, a lot of them in the, I didn't clip a lot of them, but a lot of people in the thing are like, I'd probably lose on purpose.

There was a lot of women in the thread saying they'd lose on purpose so they could, you know.

And then finally, this guy's you'd need a minimum of four to eight couples.

Each week, there's one winner who has the highest points in their game.

The winner each week chooses their reward from the seven losers.

Worked really good this fantasy season as the guy did their best to lose.

So it was always won by a woman.

So that brings us to the chive, a website that dude.

What you, this was we just last week, was it not last week that we talked all about the chive?

Well, the chive is a manly thing, and fantasy football is a manly thing.

And I'm sorry, the posts on the chive are they from 2024?

These are 2021.

Okay,

some of them are, though.

They're still, yeah, there are some 2024 ones.

Oh, yeah.

The best slash worth worst fantasy football punishments for losing the league.

And so I just read a few.

CMC really ruined me.

Our league, our league punishment is you have to do an open mic stand-up routine.

Looking like it'll be me next week.

Oh, fuck.

I hope they're not in Austin.

I have to do it at the mothership for Kill Tony.

I am really.

Oh, man.

Can you imagine?

Imagine they have to fucking go before William Montgomery, the closer of Kill Tony.

That's pretty.

People do, people are really afraid of doing stand-up, right?

I guess it is like a, it's known as a really,

David, I'm not allowed to talk about it, but there is somebody on the show who has done stand-up before.

Kill Tony.

He's gotten, he loves, he wants to be on Kill Tony.

I would love to be on Kill Tony.

I would love to, I would, if I was in Austin, I would put my name in the bucket every single time and just hope to get that bucket pull and then hope to make a good impression on the man Tony and get a golden ticket and then potentially you know be a regular myself and take like joe rogan for hans kim and then maybe open for joe rogan of course um

but yeah stand-up comedy is i just don't think this is

this is that i guess you get to laugh at him you get to go the whole group gets to go and sit in the thing as he's doing it and watch him yeah it is pretty good now now that i'm thinking of it that way do you want to watch anybody bomb for like five or ten minutes though like even if it's if it's the sort of thing where you like you know that this is happening to them because you like knew more about football over a three-month period than

watching someone shit in an open mic just sounds like bad for everyone involved that's too much time it would be actually better if they only did maybe one minute and that's kind of the beauty of the honey oh yes

this is all i i gotta get some of these are the crappiest things you've ever heard in your life this guy goes last place has to drip dress up as roger goodell and announce each pick at our draft while getting booed right that's so bad because roger goodell would just be wearing a suit i know so you're just dressing like a lawyer yeah just a regular lawyer he's not like he doesn't have like a really like unique look or something like that it's not like the like oakland raiders owner or whatever yeah you gotta like

mark davis's haircut that actually is pretty good just mark davis haircut is a good one yeah

you have this one uh dude here's a crappy one you have to attend a public wine and paint night and draw a dick instead of whatever the subject matter is for the class.

Subject.

Subject.

Yes, I know.

I've been sitting here letting fly.

I've been letting them go all so long.

It's 25 minutes in.

You've flubbed eight times, I swear to God.

I've cleared my throat a couple of times to alert the real true flub heads, but this one I cannot.

I'm hot.

I might have to go change my shirt.

I think it's the issue.

This guy's cubby's going.

He's flopped, sweating.

He's overeating.

No, I put a hoodie on right before because it felt cold upstairs.

It does not feel cold upstairs.

By the way, I love your hoodie.

I do have to give him respect.

He's got the Godzilla minus one hoodie, and it's a real nice looking hoodie.

I'm a fan.

You have to attend.

Oh, this guy goes, they have to pose for a calendar for the next year.

All league members must display it in their house.

We're going on year four of Brad.

So

he does like different sexy poses for each month?

Or

like, is that the idea the whole calendar is just a fireman character?

Yeah, but it's only one guy, and then everyone else has it up in their house so they can kind of laugh at it and look at those photos every single day of their life.

That's pretty cool.

That's a pretty good way to own your friend is by looking at a beefcake photo of that day of the year.

God, imagine, Brian, how embarrassed you'd be if I fucking had sexy photos of you and I looked at them every day and got horny.

So I went through the comments.

mike beer says just another reason this is this is so good just another reason never to get involved with fantasy football i'll stick to fantasy thank you nice wait why are we are we on the this is some comments these are the comments but this is the hot wave no no this is the chop the comments of this chivan this is the guy that does not if this guy knew about the hot wife subreddit he wouldn't be posting yeah

oh i bet he's tried to get involved i mean many a single guy has tried to elevate themselves to the position of bull and failed miserably and humiliatingly.

Doing a bunch of burpees in the hope of becoming a daily driver someday.

No, it's not that easy, man.

You gotta put yourself in a position to succeed.

Yep.

This guy goes, We just renamed the losing team.

We used to make the last place guy give the second to last place guy a lap dance, but realized that no one wanted to watch that, let alone do it.

Now, the reason I put this in here is because I looked at several Chive posts, and this guy commented this on every single fantasy football one, every one of them, and never gets a thumbs up up vote, never gets a response just every time.

He really likes this joke.

I do like, I really like, I just have been thinking about this and picturing it because.

So they're saying they did this a number of times and then at some point, maybe it was one year and then or two years, they all sort of realized it got really uncomfortable.

Yeah.

And you sort of wonder why that was, you know what I mean?

Like some of them.

One of the guys got too into it.

Yep.

Yep.

One of them got too into it or like people, it just, but I just love picturing that, the one where they realized where like, this, we're not doing this anymore.

All these fucking guys as they're watching this lap dance

and the music just kind of stops.

The third year that they've been watching like their buddies from school give each other a lap dance and one of them just turns to the other and it's like, do you like this?

Yeah, yeah, one of them.

You can't be doing this, yep,

just for friction.

You can get a friction hard on, really.

All of the feelings that they were having in there, like the anger and the like sadness and embarrassment and stuff.

It was like that would have been really something to see, you know.

These next ones are so crappy, it's it blows me away.

This guy goes, Each week, the team with the lowest points has to use a Hello Kitty phone case for the week.

Oh, no,

Listen, if I show up to the fucking job site with a Hello Kitty case, the boys are going to be ribbing me all week.

Well,

I would believe that if this person was going to a job site, they go the end of the year, the worst team has to use the encase the entire offseason and get a Hello Kitty lava lamp trophy that you must keep on your desk at work until there is another loser.

So they're desk guys.

Yeah, desk guys, but still

more valid, more valid in the worker pyramid than us.

Sure.

Yes.

The next guy goes, Last place has to wear a red polo and hang out at Target for three hours.

Oh, shit.

That sounds fun in a way.

You can really make that fun.

It sounds like kind of a funny little prank video that somebody would do for YouTube with one of those thumbnails, you know?

Like, I went to Target with a red shirt on for three hours.

See how that went down.

And it's like one lady was like, Do you know where the socks are?

And you're like, oh, actually, I do remember.

They're just right over there.

Yeah.

I've been here for like three hours.

so i actually kind of know the layout of the store right

um

reggie do you know where the socks are no the low the low cut you know like fully like it's good at the job well here's here's something we're going to need the more seasoned

fantasy football people this is from our fantasy football and uh

Guy goes, Commissioner cheated.

Is this a fair punishment?

Now, commissioners are constantly cheating.

That is one thing I know is going on.

Well, because they have have access to the, presumably they're the ones who have access to cheat most of the time, right?

Yeah, I mean, they have like, I don't know how that would work.

This is something that I have not experienced.

I guess you could like veto trade or whatever.

Anyway, well, tell me.

And can I just say I'm suspicious of you now, David?

I feel like there's a chance that you have,

the way you're like, I have no idea how this could ever happen.

It's like, maybe that's what a cheater would say.

No, that's fair.

I think also the one thing I would underline is that I have never had it together enough.

I've never been a Fantasy leagues commissioner.

It seems like hell.

It seems like hell.

Yeah.

Perhaps caught one too many times to ever be elevated to commissioner.

We'll see.

We'll see.

No one can prove this, though.

So these are unfounded allegations.

And you're actually making your own podcast.

This show is turning into unfounded allegations, a podcast.

Thank you.

Anyway, so, all right.

So commissioner of our ESPN league missed out on the playoffs by 0.2 to another team, by another team, because of a tiebreaker and added a one-point scoring adjustment to his team, putting him in the playoffs.

He's been called out on it, and the rest of the league is deciding his punishment.

He did something similar last year, but we gave him a chance and he let us down again.

We were thinking one slap from everyone in the league, no fists, no surprise, 13 total.

That would

be fucking.

I mean, it depends on how hard they slapped him, but if there's like some big, like if there's a couple of big, strong guys in there who are really angry,

you could knock someone out with a slap if you if you you could concuss somebody for 15 slaps is going to be a concussion for like a fitting tribute to football there too that it's it doesn't necessarily have to be one slap it's that you're continually getting slapped yes and right after one after another one after another yeah all in a row that sounds like now yeah david can you explain to us what what exactly

what happened there what was the cheating that happened exactly

wait are you accusing me of having done no no no no i'm asking i'm asking you because you're you're an expert.

I, I, oh, this score.

Like something that, like, it happens like sort of automatically.

Yahoo will do it a lot if you do it through them, where it's like after a game, uh, basically, like a play could be like appealed in terms of like, you know, an extra yard here or there.

You know, too, that with football, it's all more or less, with the exception of like crossing the goal line and stuff like that, like.

the way that a ball is spotted, the way that, you know, a yard is allocated here or there is really subjective.

Yes.

It's like all the the part-time officiating stuff.

So, yeah, they're not doing video replays on every single

best games, take long enough as it is.

I don't know how, as a commissioner, you could go in there and just kind of like unlock the idea of just being like, yeah, he did get another reception or whatever a one-point adjustment would be.

But again, as we've established, I've never done that.

Yeah.

So I would.

It seems, and they're like, Brian, now I so I believe, David, now that he's not.

Thank you, David.

We've

piece myself a little case clothes i i but now now let's talk to a known and documented cheater brian how do you feel about that brian do you what do you think the punishment should be here i

i mean none really because it's just a guy first of all this is completely

I feel sorry for the guy that cheats at fantasy football.

I don't know why.

Oh, I don't know why.

I think I know why.

I just

do yourself in the movie, mom.

I love seeing myself in the movie.

I don't know why you would ever do it is what I'm trying to say.

It's a pathetic, it's a pathetic move.

I do, all joking aside, I understand your point that it is.

There's something really sad and pathetic about it.

If it's for a bunch of money, it's really under because it's, you're doing it with friends.

Yeah.

So you're trying to like rip your friends off or cheat your friends or whatever for what?

A little bit of money or like bragging rights or whatever no money, you know like right maybe to lick your friend's wife's pussy or whatever yeah that could be sometimes it's just the sort of thing that you're doing it because you want to get a lap dance from one of your buddies and this seems to be like the easiest way to make it happen for you totally

This guy goes, the physical reprimand isn't reasonable.

If he will correct the points, have him do so and move on, especially in regards to a new league manager next year.

If he won't correct it, then I say continue the year with everyone keeping track of who they should be playing and continue from there.

Fantasy football is for fun, and someone who takes it this seriously and acts this backhanded should not be trusted with the league.

And then the OP goes, He admitted it the moment we confronted him with it and apologized.

So

I love that.

He's like cheating all his friends at fantasy.

And then they call him up.

He's like, Yeah, yeah, you got me.

Oh, yeah.

Yep.

Absolutely.

He got caught twice.

Yeah.

That's the thing.

The year before he did it too.

How can you like put, I can't put myself in that guy's mind.

I just, I mean, I love winning for real.

I'm very big on winning.

But I mean, even like, you know, the Vulture top podcast of the year, I would love to win that.

We don't want to be on it.

Fucking Vulture.

We hate Vulture.

We don't want to be on their shitty fucking.

Hey, what is, oh yeah, it'd be cool to be on the list in 2015 when it fucking mattered, Vulture.

Yeah.

And make damn sure to aim, this guy goes, I'm down with the slaps.

Since I'm guessing your group is okay with some minor rough housing just do a round or two of slap shots with everyone to get some practice also don't also to not single him out quite as much and make damn sure to aim well as in don't actually injure the dude don't hit right at the jawline that can mess someone's jaw up with a good whack go higher just behind the cheekbone so that's when yeah i mean most people are pretty good at aiming their slaps and that yeah right exactly especially that's the sort of thing you do all the time if you've been playing fantasy sports for any number of years, it's pretty much just a matter of it's muscle memory.

What about this?

Slapping.

You slapped your homies hundreds of times.

Oh, you've been slapped and slapped every single person you love.

Yes.

Frickin' Laser Beams replied and said, just pluck five pubes from his nutsack and call it a day.

Hell yeah.

Yep.

Oh, he'll think twice next time.

The whole fellows get the thing that I like about this is that it implies everyone sort of has to be there too.

So it's like, if these people are old enough, at some point, you're going to someone in your life and you're like, I have to go to Jeff's because we got to, you remember the thing where he adjusted his score?

We have to pull some of his pubes out.

I should be back in like an hour and 45 minutes.

I would just, yeah, that it's,

I don't think I would, I think that might be a younger person even suggesting that.

I, I don't know that that's a reason.

I don't think, I gotta say, I don't think it's a younger person because his name was freaking laser beams yeah i think was his username i think that's a 90s guy that's gonna that's gonna be sort of reminiscent of this the lap dance situation where i think it is gonna get a little bit uncomfortable in that in that situation you know

all right so somebody asked what the biggest controversies they've ever had in their league and one of these answers i thought was really interesting this guy goes it's actually occurring currently in our league i have two members who are currently cheating on their spouses with each other.

That's bad enough, but they post about it to the league and they have posted really racy pictures to the league about their sexual encounters.

To the league.

To the league.

Yeah, they want the league to know that they're sucking, they get sucking and fucking picks.

That seems like a cool hot wife league.

The hot wife guys would love that league.

Like, think it's great.

I'm adjusting upwards my percentage of how many of these leagues are basically a sex thing.

I would have guessed zero, and now I'm like, it's a double-digit number that starts with a three or a four.

It's a big problem in our league, and it's tearing our league apart.

The league cannot function and it can't reach unity like we have to in order to reach our potential.

These two managers are really screwing us up because they have control over the league's treasury, $500 per person, and kicking them out may result in losing that money.

I think he's lying, but this guy goes, commissioner should always be in control of the money.

If not the commissioner, then some, oh, wait, no, here's a big lie:

there are members who we think need to disband the league and others who want us to continue striving for our potential.

I don't know what that means.

And he keeps saying, Well, I think they have a lot of potential if they can find that cohesion that and you know, every

trying to find its like ultimate potential.

And I think that you know, it's just kind of sad when you've put so much work into a league and then you have to watch it die and wither away.

And it's just like, I'm getting it too much sun, too much light.

It's sort of a league is a beautiful thing, you know?

He goes, we cannot shut it down because he goes, because everyone wants their money and to preserve the league as best we can.

These two managers, though, have control of the money and have threatened us in order to keep it.

They sound like kind of like a,

they're kind of like a badass couple, sort of.

You know what I mean?

They're like, yeah, I picture them kind of like.

kind of just like a like on a cross-country trip or whatever they killed like her parents or something bad type of situation, you know, like that's how I'm picturing them.

And they've like they're using this money from the league there to fuel their fucking insane trip across the country.

Tormenting a bunch of people that just like have office jobs and want to manage a football team with just explicit pics posted onto the ESPN fantasy site like on where it like announces the different trades and waiver claims.

Sometimes you go there and somebody is just, it's a photo of the man eating ass.

That's cool, though.

Yeah.

Like, but he does say that there's kids in the league too that becomes a huge problem and then the money wait wait wait wait wait you know you can't wait they're sending sexually explicit photographs to a league that have kids in it that seems that seems like a crime yeah no that is it's not even this isn't a bad taste issue this isn't this isn't this is a thing where if that is true and accurate what you're saying then they you need to report uh those people or like or

at the very least kick them out of the league i know the money's not you know what i mean see there's a problem this guy ass says that.

He says, like, you should kick him out of the league.

And he goes, this is, yes, it's terrible.

They're rubbing it in our faces and showing it to us.

I'm not sure what to do.

We kind of want to leave, but we can't leave the money.

They are leaving x-rated pictures on the league's posts.

And some kids see this stuff.

I'm not sure what to do.

And then later on, he lies and says

that they said they would Photoshop pictures of them fucking them cheating on their wives and sending them in.

It got really wild.

So they're like, gonna, they're, I mean, yeah, these sound, it sounds like they have gotten mixed up with a couple of real classic con artists from, you know, the 1960s or something, and they're just getting taken on a ride here.

And they should get out as soon as possible because 500 sunken costs, just leave that money.

They're going to take you for everything.

Well, the cat.

That's achieved its potential.

It is.

I need to, you know.

And you made a couple, right?

That's a beautiful love.

It feels like, to me, it feels like that's part of the con that couple that those like that the couple who's doing the con they convinced him of that potential thing you know what i mean it's like part of this big griff that they do you know

the way that you might sell someone real estate like if that's basically what the potential is

i'll be right back i'm gonna run and change my shirt i'm gonna

i apologize what the heck i know he's leaving his own podcast

this is cool though we can now we can open up and talk whatever we want what are you, what are you actually into?

What are you

doing?

Like, what's your biggest top life stuff?

No, no.

I mean, like,

what do you want to talk about, if anything?

You know, like you have, you have open, open floor here.

This is incredible.

Well, I guess I could do some start sit stuff for week 10 of the NFL season if people wanted to know some, you know, what is your favorite TV shows?

It's a good, uh, that's a good segue there to get you out of trying to talk about wide receivers on the margins of NFL rosters.

What are, what are my favorite TV shows?

What am I enjoying right now?

Oh, he's back.

I almost died of sweating.

I'm sorry.

What are you doing

right now, though?

But we can't leave this hanging because I asked David what his favorite TV show is right now, and we have to get this because people are going to be like, what the hell?

I need to know.

You want to bury it in a bonus post?

Contest football?

No, it's not.

I mean,

we didn't, we changed topics when you left, bro.

Oh, yeah.

I was about to

shout out the show Slow Horses, which I I believe is on the show.

Oh, I like that too.

Ariel, my partner, Ariel, she's watching that, just finished it.

I suggested it to her, but have not watched it.

I just heard good things and she was wanting a new show.

But yeah, it was good.

It made me look good, too, because she's like, that was really good.

Nice suggestion, you know?

What do you guys think of this?

So the league commissioner and I are tied for fourth going into this week.

Top four make the playoff.

He plays his wife this week.

So this is another thing that happens it's called collusion for people out there and i have not found i have found more cases of people accusing people of collusion in this specific way than almost any other kinds of posts that are in the in the subreddit it is just it's so much people saying collusion

And, and, and it's always this, it's like if somebody's like partner is in the league that you, they're like trading you somebody to, all right.

It probably does happen though, right?

Of course, I'm sure, and it is really hard to you're never going to catch somebody because they're just sitting in bed at night and they're just having a conversation, even even if they're really clever, they're writing it on whiteboards in case there's no bug or whatever, and they're just having

it because they're spousal privilege.

You honestly shouldn't be allowed to talk if you're married to somebody in your league.

You just, you should get a hard time.

No, you should get a hotel if you're playing them that week.

You should get a hotel for the week, definitely, and no contact sort of situation.

And she, one of you should be locked down and sort of have a chaperone who's watching over you at all times.

I think that's like, I mean, or you could just like allow cheating.

Like, it's up to you.

Whatever waiting.

You want to do it?

Do it.

You know, too happy fappy says, raise hell with the rest of the league.

If the two refuse to rectify this situation, and since he's commissioner, he can demand your money back.

May not happen.

And leave the league.

Obviously, you can make that happen.

Fuck them.

That's clear.

Ridiculous collusion.

Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, but it hasn't happened yet.

No, but it's possible.

They're already so mad.

He's guy's so mad.

He's swearing and he's saying, you know, get your fuck out of the league and stuff.

This is just something that he thinks might happen.

S.

Jackman says, yeah, dude, even if it wasn't a money league, I would raise hell and back out.

But I don't understand.

Did they not recognize that they are going to play each other at some point?

He's the commissioner and his wife's in the league.

Do you not recognize at some point they're going to play against each other?

Well, this guy says says if he ignores your request to rectify the situation, then he should get a punch in the face.

Wait, wait, I don't rectify what situation is he not

the situation where he's married.

So either he does the stuff that you were saying, which is you sequester yourself from your spouse for the duration of the fantasy season.

A lot of leagues only play up through week 16.

So that's what, four months?

It's nothing.

That's not even that long.

Yeah, it's not.

And then, you know, and then also, obviously, if it's a keeper league, you're going to want what they call a Chinese wall in legal terms between you and your spouse vis-a-vis who you're going to be keeping in that league.

But that doesn't seem like a difficult situation at all.

Oh, I think if you're in a keeper league.

I think if you're in a keeper league, you're going to want to get yourself a very good lawyer because you're going to be wanting to get a divorce, I would imagine.

Yeah.

But that

I'm sorry.

I really apologize.

I'm really confused here.

Do they not make the schedule at the beginning of the year as far as like who's playing who in which weeks or whatever?

I don't know how.

Or like, like, do you know what I mean?

Is the schedule not as maybe maybe I'm completely incorrect here, David?

So why?

Well, you know who you're playing.

If it's a head-to-head league, yeah.

It's all

you know who you're playing.

So they knew that he was going to at some point play against his wife because they are both in the league.

You can't not play, unless it's like a whatever, a 25-team league or something like that.

There's no way you're not going to wind up playing.

I think making your final match against somebody who you could collude with is kind of in a way.

Because the commissioner made the schedule.

So he's made the wife on the last.

So then that way, if there is this situation that comes up, but then why wouldn't you call it out in the beginning when it happened?

Like, why didn't you?

Because you're too busy picking your team, man.

You got tunnel vision.

You're doing tears.

You're

getting your binder put together for the, for draft day and all that.

Yeah.

So it's like, you can't worry about other people's teams until such time as it's the situation.

The commissioners are really out of control.

They're out of control.

They're ruining it for everyone.

Mojo Woe says, if you can't rectify the situation, I'd recommend saying rectify the situation.

These guys are saying it too many times.

They are.

Every post, rectify, rectify.

He goes,

Because they're listening, they think they're doing businessman things.

You know what I mean?

Because they're like, if you can't rectify the situation, stating your intention,

I'd recommend stating your intention, the rest of your league mates, to commission a new league next year that A, will not be run by a douche nugget and B, will not include

that's like what remember, Brian, we were trying to come up with those

shithammer.

Yeah, made up.

A cock flapper.

The real fuck knuckle.

Yeah.

David Simonisms.

David Simonisms.

Yeah, definitely.

He's the guy from The Wire, right?

Who turns out was like the fucking nerdiest guy ever.

Yeah, that

I

believe that

people who talk like that are the most annoying people in the world.

And and we just experienced.

Well, has it come out?

Yeah,

well, it's out, it just came out last week, it just came out, which was the bonus episode because it was one of the pastafarian holidays.

They do a holiday every day.

It's do you get it?

They do a holiday every day.

Get it?

Um, but

a Yeti monster for the win there.

That's amazing.

Well, yeah, exactly.

His noodly appendages touches you, touch you.

And, but they honestly felt that one in my stomach, Chris.

Like, felt like a brief, queasy way past the deal.

His noodly appendages.

Yeah, they say quab.

And then they say raw men as well, raw men.

But yeah, that was one of their days was create a new swear word day.

And that's the stuff I'm imagining is like douche nugget that Brian was, you know, like just a really horrible Castrafarian chivism type.

Oh.

I hate douche.

I don't want to hear douche anymore.

This guy goes, this is extreme and it may not work, but if I was in your league, I'd go along with it.

Have everyone else in the league, in parentheses, really just those in the playoffs, state their intention to distribute everyone's buy-in back to them

in the event they win the league and not come back next year.

Have them say something along the lines of, quote, I cannot in good conscience take winnings from a league that was not fair and will not be participating next year, unquote.

If everyone in the playoffs said that, I think the message will be clear and the commission would have to do something.

I love this because they really are.

They're like, they're really thinking thinking that there is a backroom deal is going on state uh in in intention to you know clarify like they're like i am in an executive i'm i'm an executive in the nfl you know what i mean like that's how they're really thinking of it so you got to give them a little bit of credit for that it's the business language was killing me i like winnings plural too for the leaders sort of

like

Like that's how it's defined in the Constitution somehow.

Like this is like he's going back to the fundamental documents that underturn undercurrent

quoting unquote.

And like I cannot in good conscience.

I hereby state that I cannot in good conscience.

Yeah, like really using that type of language.

Here I stand.

I can do no other.

Have you

considered like going up to your friend and being like, hey, man, like that just seems a bit unfair.

Maybe we can like, you know,

like having a fucking conversation.

Have you considered writing your friend a certified letter that begins with the word forsooth?

Or I guess you could send them a text if you wanted to.

Well, there's

Shoon 16 has wait, wait, wait.

I just want to clarify, though.

If somebody, if my friend in a fantasy football league fucking tries to get a hold of me with something that's not notarized, well,

forget about it.

It's getting thrown straight in the trash.

Disrespectful.

So, yeah, my lawyer wouldn't touch this case.

My lawyer wouldn't.

The guy I keep on a retainer for just this sort of eventuality would under no circumstances.

This shit, this guy goes, this shit is so dumb.

There's no sense of accomplishment in doing this.

You didn't manage your team to success.

You got your wife to lay down for you.

As a man,

as a man, you got a problem with getting your wife to lay down for you now.

Oh, you're going to have some leagues you'd hate.

You got to the wrong podcast if you're going to talk shit about a guy laying down with his wife.

As a man, that's such a violation.

I hope they don't get mugged or something out together one night.

He'll probably use her as a human shield.

Oh, so now he's like,

they're just assuming all of this stuff.

They don't know it.

Like, maybe the wife is like the one who's totally, you know, figured it all out.

And like, she's the brains behind it.

Who knows?

Or maybe they're not even going to do that.

Maybe.

Because this hasn't happened yet, right?

Maybe they're going to, maybe the wife wins.

No, this guy goes, that's some shit.

I'd seriously consider not having anything to do with someone over.

I'm not sure how close you are to this friend, but that shows a clear lack of character.

We cut ties.

This guy is

out.

You shouldn't talk to them anymore.

How are you, as a man, gonna marry a woman?

Yeah, seriously, and like, just like let her lay down for you.

Let her lay down for you and like collaborate on like things or like let her be a part of some of the same stuff that you do.

That's disrespectful to your friends.

Where, where,

honey, where's Jeremy?

I thought he was coming over tonight.

Oh, hang on.

There's a knock at the door.

Let me, oh, nobody's here.

It's just a letter.

I would like to hear my statement.

It's a process server.

Hold on.

Yeah, so that was a big one.

That was a big controversy.

So then this next guy, I love this guy.

This is a great guy right here.

And he's a commissioner.

He's a commission.

They say commish.

They always say commission.

Yeah, very never commissioner.

Very cool.

And as P-Town Downey goes, this scam occurred to me.

Is there any way to see if it's happening in my league?

He's just sitting there in his fucking room at night, thinking of conspiracy type shit that could potentially happen.

I think it's Jason Bourne's surveillance suite to get eyes on everybody in his league and see if anybody's engaging in malfeasance.

Because a couple of buddies and I started a league a few years ago back, and I'm and I'm co-commissioner.

We had an expansion, and team owners have come and gone over the years.

As a result, I don't personally know many of the people who have joined our league.

Here are my questions.

Is there a name for scamming your way to have two teams in the same league, creating a phony owner, etc.?

And is there a way to see if someone has done this, clever or direct?

This thought has been festering since i thought of it

that's mental it's a lot about you

it says more about you than probably anybody else in the league and what i it's like it says a lot about you that you have not figured out a solution to that well just have a zoom call with everybody on the zoom call that's fair this guy goes i mean i guess they could get an actor or something but that's a lot of like if they're willing to go to that kind of you know just have a zoom video zoom call with everybody on the call say you have to have a meeting about something something and talk to everyone, you know.

I think being the guy that actually out loud said, I thought of this,

and now I can't stop thinking about it is like with no self-awareness of, like,

yeah, you know what I mean?

Like, oh, I just learned you can steal stuff.

I went to the store and I just learned you can steal stuff.

Hopefully, nobody's doing that, right?

Yeah, just

owner of a store, an owner of a store, just being like, Holy fuck, it just dawned on me.

There's only one thing that keeps me up at night: the possibility that someday someone might leave my store not having paid for an item.

The first guy that ever owned a store thought of that and hung a sign on the wall.

This guy, this, this, yeah, shoplifters will be prosecuted, of course.

This, this guy

is psychotic, obviously.

But like, I wonder, yeah, like, it does seem like he just kind of thought of this concept out of the blue as he was sort of racking his brain for ways you could cheat at fantasy football.

Again,

as I said earlier, that's a little suspicious of this person.

Well, then

we do have a solution, and you guys suggested the solution, but unfortunately, there's a hole in it.

The obvious solution is to have a live draft.

Even if not everyone can attend, you could bring in absentees on a conference call or Google Plus Hangout.

However, if you've already drafted and you suspect that somebody may be managing two teams, then there's no sense in being coy about it.

Make a league-wide announcement that states your concern and require each owner to email you a picture that includes their face and their team name to confirm that each team is being independently managed.

Anyone who isn't cheating should sympathize with the intent of your request and readily comply with it.

Edit.

Just realize it would be actually pretty easy for a cheater to circumvent this.

Yeah, I was going to say much easier than the live call because it would be, I would be easy for me to just say, Brian, will you hold up a fucking, you know, take a picture of yourself holding up this fucking thing?

Yeah, you got, that's why you got to get them with today's paper.

You need to have birth certificate.

I would say, I would say birth certificate.

Picture ID.

Picture ID of some kind, valid picture ID, you know, scanned valid picture ID from the government.

And then probably, I would say, a secondary piece of ID to verify that, obviously.

And then maybe a family member or somebody who can verify identity as well, that that is the person indeed in the photographs.

These guys are all figuring out ways to stop people from doing something that a guy that is the commissioner just thought of one day.

Yeah, that is never

that I've never heard.

I mean, it might happen, but I've certainly never heard of it.

The edit aspect in that too, where the thing was just like coming in like 17 hours later.

And he's like, hey, guys, still haven't slept.

One last thing I thought of that is really easy now to deepfake a person and have them hold up a copy of that day's newspaper.

And therefore, like, be

this person deserves to win if

they're doing it and they put all those safeguards in and they're still getting away with it.

They should just win.

It's fine.

It's not that much of an advantage.

Do you know what I mean?

Like you're going to, you're going to, I guess, be able to trade, like it gives you an advantage depending on what type of a league it is, like what type of trades are available.

I guess you can trade.

So you're giving, you're having two rosters that you can trade amongst, but you can't be too obvious with it, you know?

So you can't just be loading up one team every week with all the players or whatever, and then you're only going to play each other a couple of times, you know, you're going to play your own team a couple of times, so it's giving you a, you know, but it's just so much work to go,

yeah, but to not really guarantee a win.

Like, you think if you're going to go to that level of cheating, yeah, that you're going to do something that will like you know, guarantee you a win in some way, yeah.

Well, here's another big issue in fantasy football, everybody.

Uh,

it's a scumbag Steve meme that I saw on Reddit, and it says, collects money for fantasy football at the beginning of the season.

And then at the bottom, it says, said he had to use it to pay rent and doesn't pay out the winner.

Well, yeah, that's, I mean, that's an that's a deadbeat or whatever, or a scum, you know, like a low life.

That's an issue, not just in fantasy football.

Yeah.

Well, yeah, this is one of those things where somebody's discovered human nature belatedly, but in a like football-related context, like sort of yeah, it's stealing.

They just, right, yeah.

Oh, shit.

I gave a guy some cash and he can just kind of steal it that's crazy he's allowed to he's you're telling me the place like the merchants will take the money even though it's meant for me i don't think that's right that's not allowed i think i clearly marked all of the bills that i gave and i'm hoping i get them back in full i i i'm gonna call his landlord i'm actually gonna call his landlord and tell him that money was stolen from a fantasy football team they'll give it back i'm sure yeah i i

i think it is

this does highlight like a really the most important part about fantasy football in all these leagues is like doing it with people that you are good friends with and trust, like trustworthy people.

You know, like our

past guest, Stefan, he does a hockey, he does a keeper league hockey.

They go away and do their draft and everything.

And they've been doing it for a long time similarly, you know, and they're like fuck each other too.

Sorry.

I mean, he's a, I don't, I mean, they're all men and I don't, some of them might be like gay or bisexual.

I think Stefan's heterosexual.

I just, I don't know what, what, you're, what you're talking about there, anyways.

Um, but like, yeah, it's

you have to have, you have to have sort of

like that camaraderie, that nice sort of like, you know, with a bunch of people you trust and stuff.

You can't be in a league where if the commissioner doesn't pay you the money, you leave the league, you know, you write

or you write your intention.

Yeah,

or you begin a legal action that could take up years, thousands of dollars.

Yeah, and you continue to play while it's in before the courts.

Of course,

you're under protest.

But yeah, here's all those rules contingency.

Here's a wonderful story from Mel Berm.

He goes, We had a giant trophy that the winner gets each year that we simply called, quote, the cup.

Last year, our commissioner collected all the money, put it in a cup, and proceeded to place it on a shelf in their living room.

They then had a party a couple of weeks later, and surprise, surprise, the money got stolen.

So last year, the winner got nothing.

The commission won the league this year.

So I'm arguing he should give all his winnings to last year's guy to make up for his stupidity.

That seems fair.

Yeah, absolutely.

That's like the most reasonable thing that you've read so far, except for the...

stuffing a trophy full of cash and then inviting a bunch of people over to your house.

Which is what makes the second part even more reasonable because it really is brainless.

It's like you're taking other people's money that's not yours and you're just leaving it out and like really stupidly.

Like, you know,

money away into a drawer.

You're not like asking for that uh restitution due to some like unprovable bit of cousin unrelated collusion that led to a trade that you didn't like or whatever yeah yeah yeah well this guy goes absolutely plus the party story could be bullshit so did you think about that true i mean it doesn't even matter though regardless it's just he he was in charge of it and he was you know even in his story he was you know irresponsible Yeah, he goes, yep, that's definitely what should happen.

There's also no proof that someone stole the money from the cup and it wasn't just the commissioner, he's responsible for that money.

If it goes missing, then that should come out of his pocket.

That is the incentive to him securing the money better, not having to pay himself.

And then a guy goes, It doesn't matter.

It's deterrence.

If you're a criminal justice fan, that's known as deterrence.

Yeah.

And a guy goes, It doesn't matter whether there's proof.

The money was given to the commissioner for the purpose that he would pay out.

He is still obligated to pay out.

So now they're getting lawyer.

Here we go.

You actually have a legal obligation.

it's not a matter of it's a legal affair now you know yeah here we go they're here comes tough guys well first tough guys have to come in oh now he goes beat his ass oh yeah these are the two ways to do it is there's some people that are like if it pleases the court and then there's other guys that are like

all your pubes are coming out yeah

If it pleases the court, I will rip his pubes out is what I'll do.

Really sounds like he played a group of people like a bunch of chumps.

How does he not get beaten by each person?

He must be special or something.

I wouldn't want to be on good terms with this person.

How did he not get beaten by every person?

Like, these are grown, grown men, like old childhood friends.

Like, how did you not, like, fucking like in the middle of the living room, just fucking beat the shit out of him, just stomp him out?

You know, you guys didn't gang up and beat his ass.

Like, what the fuck?

Yeah, whatever.

I know a friend of mine named Kweber who would have wouldn't have thought twice about ganging up on someone and beating them

he wouldn't care how old you were you didn't care if you're old and sick he didn't care he might not even care if you really lost the money or stole the money or anything yeah he might have just said

go make somebody might have just said hey queber go make fun of that guy yeah somebody might have said hey queber go accuse that guy of stealing some money and then we'll come and beat him up you know while you walk around in your clown shoes right you wore clown shoes?

I didn't wear clowns.

This is the next guy, Bobo shoes.

The next guy goes, Hunt Stuffs goes, I read this shit all the time.

While I degree, he deserves, this is a really funny phrase.

I'm just going to let you guys know that.

I read this shit all the time.

And while I agree, he deserves a good ass blasting.

I think they do get him mixed up sometimes.

It doesn't mean they're gay, by the way.

The toughies, they just get them mixed up when they're getting so angry and too excited yeah they get too excited and they're like they're like hey i'll ass blast your ass

i've only heard ass blasting framed as somebody in the ass really hard yeah or like maybe like a fart or something maybe like an ass blast or something but yeah not he goes not beating someone up he deserves a good ass blasting how can we ignore the fact that you just go to jail after beating the guy to a pulp and then the next guy goes, you'd have a whole league full of alibis.

So now we're kind of planning a murder.

Yes, we're kind of doing all that.

That's true.

There is an issue where like they don't know who did it.

And I have seen, there was like a Oscar winning film.

I think it was Ma Rainey's Black Bottom.

It was called.

There was a bunch of people there and they couldn't say for sure who did the murder.

So that is kind of smart that it's like, if none of us talk, then we can all get away with it.

Yeah, this guy goes, we had issues with commissioners, two different ones, not paying people out fast enough for the first couple of years.

I never won, but it still pissed me off.

They did the same thing, spent it on rent or some other bullshit.

Sorry,

some other fucking horse shit like rent or groceries or their fucking kids or something.

But, but listen, that is a weird way to say, but they're doing that with other people's money.

So they, you, you are, he is okay.

He's talking about like he didn't authorize him to use his money on his rent.

and so he can be a little angry at this guy, but it still does come off as funny being rent or other bullshit.

Is a good phrase, like it's hard.

Yes, in context, it means different, but

this past year, I threatened to leave and take most of the league with me unless I was given commissioner and full control of the league.

I forced everyone to sign up for Google Wallet to pay league fees and left it there for all season.

It was an account specific for the league and not connected to any bank or debit card.

Minutes after the game on Monday, I announced winners and paid them out so that guy i like uh no i don't like him actually but he is he's right about that's a good way to do it if you can put it in escrow or whatever you know you find a way to sort of put it in a way where it can't be accessed by anyone and it sounds like you can do that with google wallet i don't know but that's pretty smart and stuff but i just don't like him he's like it's he's doing it he's like sounds like he's in succession kind of you know he's like i had every you know like i threatened to take the whole league with me you know like a hostile takeover full control like he still is getting he's still way too serious you know here's another common one that i love this from seven years ago so side note in 2007 i drafted tom brady and randy moss when i drafted moss after brady the entire league was talking saying i was dumb moss is washed up The season starts and Brady and Moss are getting me a minimum of 70 points a game.

That was also Brandon Marshall's breakout year and I scooped him up on waivers between three of my players.

I was out scoring people's entire teams.

The league grew bitter and by the the end, claimed it was unfair how I won.

No one paid out the $1,200 I was owed as a result.

I never played another league where people didn't pay up front.

It was the single greatest fantasy performance I ever had for the most money, and I got straight fucked.

Oh my God,

hearing it like that's like a touchdown run.

You know what I mean?

Like, like he's really like pitching.

It was the single greatest performance that I have ever had.

Now, I mean, wait, for anyone who died, that was the year that they went like undefeated.

Yes, Right.

And they were still the Super Bowl.

That's right.

Yeah.

And then they lost to Eli on that famous

ridiculous helmet catch.

Yeah.

The helmet catch.

But yeah,

they were just like, yeah, I remember is as not even a huge football fan.

I remember that season and the numbers that Brady and Moss were putting up.

They were like ungodly numbers, but he, there's got to be more to that.

And he goes, well, he goes, the next year, one of the kids asked me to run a team with him.

I told him to pay me the $100 he specifically owed me.

Never heard from him again.

And then

he rubbed them the wrong way in some other way.

He upset them.

Maybe they might not be in the right, but they didn't just say, oh, we're not paying you because it's unfair how you won.

Yeah, because you were so smart.

Because you

alone saw Brendan Marshall's potential.

It's honestly suspicious that you were able to see that Moss wasn't washed up.

And I have to wonder if maybe there's a chance that you've seen this footage.

Do you know him?

Yeah.

This guy goes, I would have sued each one of them in small claims court.

Yep.

Each one individually.

You'll be hearing from my lawyer.

I would, I would, yeah, with 13 people in the league.

I will have 13 separate court cases that I will prepare for.

Well,

please retain all your documents relating to the 2007 fantasy NFL system.

Oh, my God.

Finally,

Discovery is going to be absolutely insane for you on this one.

Finally, we're going to answer the real questions here.

And this is Big Dizzo Faux Shizzo on

this.

Tough stuff here.

Okay.

Do we really even like fantasy football?

Rant warning.

I woke up today thinking, do I even really like fantasy football?

I don't, I don't like sorry.

I don't like a rant warning.

I don't either hate them.

I hate them.

I hate them.

They're always, they're never a good one after it.

You know what I mean?

Because a real true rant sort of it comes organically.

You just get so fired up in the moment that you can't contain yourself.

You don't prepare for a rant.

Yeah.

Sorry, sorry, everyone.

That was my little rant.

Little rant.

Rant warning incoming.

Sure, I love football.

I like doing research.

The draft and preparing for the season seems fun.

But after spending hours watching games from Thursday to all day Sunday to Monday, then losing when you have little to no control over your team.

Is that really enjoyable?

Well, no, not when you lose no much i think it's more enjoyable when you win but i think ideally you're sort of balancing out where you are winning enough that it's enjoyable i think yeah but yeah i think you can lose sometimes it's fine to lose it but yeah it's not fun to lose

i don't like it he goes after doing this for several years i find myself just getting more annoyed and disappointed so i reflect on life before fantasy It seemed to be a lot more enjoyable.

I can root for my team instead of players that will most likely disappoint me.

I think I'd be better off setting a lineup and not watching the games, but what's the point then?

It's like playing the lotto.

That takes five minutes and it's done.

I feel like I'm wasting hours of my life for what?

It's not fun.

Who's with me?

He's having a real big crisis here.

And he's like, look, we've all been here where he's just like, I've been a fantasy guy for a really long time and it's not fulfilling me.

My life is a fucking mess.

It's shit right now.

I want to get out of this shit.

It sucks.

Who's with me?

I need someone to tell me I'm not alone right now.

Well, this guy does say I honestly liked it more when there was not as much fantasy content and you had to do a bit more research to find trends and do analysis.

Now it's like everybody

seems the same article and drops a million FAAB on the same guy every week.

I don't know what that means.

It's bidding on a free agent, but yeah.

And ZZ IRG goes, I agree.

Saturation information is killing fantasy.

For me, the quote skill part of fantasy is doing research.

Now the research is mostly done, aggregated, and easily accessible.

The fourth round rookie that no one heard of who looked explosive in cam, there's already a Reddit with thread with a Twitter analyst piping him up.

I know everyone's on a more even keel playing field.

So, unless you're playing with brain-dead people, it's just pure gambling.

Skill is the skill part is gone.

Oh, yeah.

It used to be about the music.

It did.

And DJ Saxe does say this is such a weak mindset.

There's always a way.

Oh, yes.

Yeah.

There's always a way to get an edge in anything.

Stop complaining.

You can say the same thing about poker.

You can whine, everyone is better now, or find a way to get better.

If you don't want to, do that, then you don't have to.

And then Conscious Aunt 3 goes, it's got 10 down votes.

He goes, How's this getting down voted?

This sub can't complain about how bad the experts are and also complain that everything is, quote, figured out at the same time.

Can't have it both ways, LMAO.

But

I think that's accurate in the sense of like, yeah, there's much more widely shared information that everyone has access to now, and it has changed things.

But I still do think you can sort of, you know, you have to go maybe on, get an edge through instinct or maybe your own sort of eye if you're going to really get down to it.

And you say, like, hey, I watched this guy and I watch enough football that I see, I see something special.

I think, you know, he reminds me of this type of player.

I could see him breaking out.

Because yeah, statistically speaking, everyone's going off of the same stuff, mostly, I would say, right?

Is that is that accurate, David?

It's correct.

It's 100% correct.

I mean, the prescription that I would give there is to relax a little bit, maybe, like, because it seems like this person is just having a

like everything that the original poster describes is like, you're just depressed.

Like, everything feels too much like everything else.

You're not getting any joy out of the stuff that you used to get some joy out of.

Like, there's a, there's medicines for that.

Go to the doctor.

You have to go to the doctor.

Somebody

as opposed to, you know, blaming that the institution of fantasy football has become too bloated or whatever.

Well, a guy goes, What did you hate about it?

And another guy answered and goes, wrangling kindergartners to participate, trying to keep people engaged because I felt it was my responsibility as commissioner.

I'm super active now on the free agency, so I held back sometimes because I didn't want people to think I created a league to shit on people.

None of that matters anymore.

It's just me, my players, and our matchups.

So we're all sad.

And finally, this is our last one.

Rich video says, I've been at Commish for almost 20 years and I kind of dread it now.

I'm in three leagues and I enjoy the other two more than mine.

Why are they all in?

I saw a guy in 12 leagues.

I really

saw more than one guy in 12 leagues.

You need a more demanding job.

Yeah, you need something.

Anything.

Have some.

Hang out with your wife.

who probably also plays fantasy in the league.

That's a problem for everybody.

There's a whole, yeah, it's a lot.

There's a lot of things.

Yeah.

And he goes, at this point we're all middle-aged yet every year there's at least some kind of drama that i have to deal with people posting their political opinions oh no trump talk in the playrooms

you're not allowed to talk politics in the playrooms you can't talk politics in the playrooms it ruins the whole mood in the play at the swinger club people posting their political opinions people dropping out last minute or even after the draft someone calling someone a cheater someone crying that a rule is bullshit someone posts an idea for a rule change which is fine And it turns into a heated argument again.

Most of us are around 50.

It's ridiculous.

Every year I contemplate it being my last, but I always go through with it.

But this year, I think it may really be the last.

After I had to deal with grown men acting like babies twice already and having one guy drop out after the draft after confirming with them for about a month before.

I think I'm going to hit up a few league members and see if they want to commish.

If not, I'll probably still fucking do it again in 2024.

And that is

the saddest way to end an episode

these guys are depressed now god come on guys

i've been doing this thing for so long with the same people and i'm not taking any joy from it but i imagine i'll just keep doing it until i die who's with me i also maybe don't like them anymore there's so much of this like

i know that as you get older you just end up It's more prevalent, I think, in high school, but then like in high school, you end up being with the same same group of people until it's over.

And then, as you get older, you hang out with the same dwindling little group of people until it's like, I don't need it anymore.

And it feels like a lot of these people are hitting that point in their life where they're just like,

whatever.

I'll just do something.

I don't need to do this anymore.

I don't,

I don't know.

It seems less fun when you read about it.

Like when you read them talking about it,

a lot of the cheating is crazy.

I just think that's a that's if it's for $500

each

buy-in

it i guess cheating makes sense yeah that would like make a difference in your life all the rest of this are just like these like little amounts of money that people just are getting too upset about and whatever yeah it all yeah all of this does sort of feel like everybody's got some just untreated issues that are coming up through a fantasy football filter and then obviously yeah making their way into

sad reddit rants well i wanted to look around and see if they're i i did look earlier in the week at LinkedIn for fantasy football jobs because I just wondered.

And it did say there were like 65 fantasy football jobs.

So I was going to look through those and I'll probably have to do that for the bonus show sometime to find out what those jobs are.

Because that was like with me, I fell for a lot of shitty jobs because

they would put in the newspaper ads that say, do you like rock and roll music?

This job will be great for you.

And then I go do it and it ended up being a door-to-door sales job.

I fell for it so many fucking times.

What did you like?

Door-to-door sales of?

I told you I did it of uh, I only did it like twice.

I was, it was a the middle of the winter and we were selling um gas, the gas bill to switch over.

And the guy would knock on the door.

There were three of us.

The guy would knock on the door and be like, are you interested in saving money on your gas bill?

And it's like 10 degrees.

It's very cold outside.

And the guy goes, no, I'm not really.

It's not that cold.

Yes, I know.

He goes, I'm not really that warm.

He was like, I'm not, I'm not interested.

and then the guy that i was with would be like well i guess you don't like money then and turn around and walk away and i was like that's a smart sales winner the guys probably often they would they would often stop him right and they'd be like whoa whoa wait well they'd say hang on

my money yeah

it made me so uncomfortable i had him drop me off a walmart and then pick me up at the end of the day i was just like i'll sit at this walmart what are can you what are all of your jobs

I could never.

I was going to say, like, I got to go to dinner, man.

I don't have time.

Yeah, I could never get through all my jobs.

Oh, you've networked that many?

What would like, I got to hear about more of them.

I've only, I only know like Cable Guy

and Call Center,

McDonald's, Chuck E.

Cheese.

I know.

So there's painting car doors,

you know, stuff like that.

So I quit because they made you do calisthenics before you work.

And I thought it was.

Before the sales job?

No, for it was paint.

It was assembling car doors.

And

like, so you didn't hurt yourself on the line or whatever?

Yeah, but I thought, you know, I probably said more problematic words, but I thought it was stupid.

I think I probably called it gay, but I think at the time I was like, this is stupid.

I'm not doing calisthenics.

Why would I stretch?

I don't stretch.

Stretch is for idiots and ended up quitting.

So, David, do you have anything you would like to plug?

Nothing too, too much.

Defector.com, the website that I work at and own with my friends.

It's a good website.

If you're interested in in reading stuff on a website, you should check that out.

That's about all I had in mind, really.

And we will see you next week with Book Guys.

Good luck with the Book Guys.

Maybe the opposite of these and then hardcore guys after that.

So we're really in a weird run here.

I think it's all the mental illness is going to be a constant.

It's a constant on every episode.

That's what people are showing up for.

Yeah.

I would say it's constant on every episode.

So long as Brian and I are hosting.

Oh.

Okay,

cut it, yeah.

We sometimes we used to go by Cueber and the Grist.

That was our no, we didn't.

Those are done.

Shows are over.

You're ending it?

Bye.

Bye.