Guys: Episode 135 - Joke Guys with Luke and DBJ from Stores

Hey, welcome to guys, a podcast about guys.

I don't know why I just came in like that.

I think it's because it's a happy episode.

I think we're going to call this.

It's a joyous episode, yeah.

We're going to to call this the happy episode.

And with me

is a very funny man who loves jokes, by the way.

Actually, I'll say this about Chris.

This episode was 100% geared towards him at first because he hates riffs so much.

So it's almost like the oops all riffs episode of the thing.

I don't think I hate riffs.

I think that I hate the riffs that we encounter on our podcast.

I think there's some real good riffs people, you know, I used to listen to obviously morning radio and, or like, you know, shock shock radio and stuff.

And you think about some of those crazy riffs that these people would be going, you know, Bill Burr on Opi and Anthony.

I mean, this guy'd be, these guys would be riffing.

You know,

Colin Quinn.

So, I mean, if, if it's, if it's those guys doing riffs when I'm, you know, 19 years old, then yeah.

But nowadays,

listening to people on message boards do

really horrible riffs.

Yeah, I hate that.

So, our guests this week, we've had them both on before, but I wanted to have them both on at the same time.

The hosts of stores, Luke.

Hi, Luke.

Hello, Brian.

DBJ.

Deadblock.

Hello, Brian.

Great to see you.

Great to be back.

I'm glad it's the happy episode because I'm feeling the vibes are good.

I think the vibes are also very good.

Happy episode.

Chris is

fully looking at the ground right now, but that's okay.

He almost looked like he had intentionally pulled down his hat so that his eyes were shadowed.

Like we could not see it.

I mean,

I just to be totally honest, I was just looking at my phone just from like a, yeah, just like something I'd do it.

Just looking at something I'd do with my baby.

That's all.

I wasn't, I don't, I don't want anybody who, now this picture is being painted of me being like checked out and me being like not part of this happy episode.

I want to be clear.

And one chat I love about Chris that I've always loved about Chris, he's so good at excuses.

He comes up with all sorts of excuses.

You said that, and the even more, his eyes, there's already no light behind them, but they went pitch black with that time, Jesse.

So let's get to some jokes here.

This is R/slash jokes.

This one's not safe for work.

So don't be playing this out loud, okay?

A man is at a supermarket when a beautiful blonde with large breasts walks up to him.

Excuse me, she says.

This is how jokes used to be.

They used to be fucking cool.

Excuse me, she says, but I think you're the father of one of my kids.

Oh, the man nervously says, keeping his eye on his wife and kids.

Are you that hooker I fucked behind the trampoline park during my son's birthday party?

No, she answers.

I'm his math teacher.

What?

What?

That's a joke.

That's a good joke.

What?

Getting?

Who's math teacher?

Whose math teacher?

His own child.

His own kids?

What?

But why?

She said it's one of my kids.

So, like, one of the kids in my class.

Okay.

Okay.

I see.

So he's made a bit of a.

This seems like an easy punch-up on this joke.

Yeah.

I think the first part is that you probably,

your first response to a strange woman coming up to you and your wife isn't saying, are you a hooker?

I fucked at a trampoline park.

That's probably not my opener.

I'd probably try and figure out a little bit more.

This is one of those classic things where rearranging the joke can make it better.

So, so obviously, so she calls him over and says, Hey, come over here.

I think one of your kids is in my class.

And he goes, Are you the hooker that I fucked?

Well, because that's funny because then he's like, insane.

And then the joke is that he's an insane.

Yeah, and he's fucking crazy.

Yeah, you guys are using, you guys are doing like irony kind of humor or whatever, though.

You're doing irony humor.

These are jokes.

These are like classic jokes.

They're delivered in the normal order

that

are classically

hard to figure out sometimes.

And also most of the time not

really that particularly funny.

But sometimes these kind of jokes do hit, I will say.

Like every now and then.

As we read these, I want you to like me.

What I did is picture a guy telling them to you somewhere.

And a bar standing at a barn

or at a bar, and a guy tells me that joke.

So the first riff is, it's not a birthday party without hookers and a trampoline.

Just saying.

Jesus Christ.

He's just saying.

He's just saying.

He's just saying,

give him a break.

Next guy goes, hookers and tramps.

That's a combo.

Oh, wait a second.

I didn't even draw that combination.

That's

tramp.

Tramp is a sort of old-fashioned word for sort of hussy they should call it a hookerlene hookerlene that's what i'm jumping on it's a really hard one though right tramp i feel tramp is also like i guess like a hobo like charlie jacklin's character

well the next guy goes hookers tramps and thieves

Okay, so not adding a whole lot, but

thieves in there.

Yeah.

What?

Okay, this guy.

Here's this guy.

Let me give you this next one.

You do know they were called jumpo liens until my ex-mother-in-law got on one.

Oh, nice.

I kind of like that from an imagination standpoint

because he's sort of building up this world where they used to be called jumpo-lens.

Dude, I do like very like 50s space age.

Like, it's the new jumpo-lean.

And it really, I mean, I can agree with you, Jesse.

It's beautiful.

It's like, I can really imagine it.

And then

his fucking dumbass ex-wife, who's a tramp, gets on it.

Oh, no.

And that's the 60s.

That's the era.

That's the age of Aquarius.

Even worse.

Even worse.

It's his damn mother-in-law.

Oh,

my God.

That's even worse than ex-wife.

That's actually crazy to call your mother-in-law like a whore.

Well, it's okay to call your ex-mother-in-law a whore.

Yeah, I mean, but that's like, you know,

those wild dudes act that way, I guess.

It is, it's abhorrent to do no matter abhorrent.

Well, they could make other.

They could probably do something with that.

Like, I'll leave that to the

masters.

Like, Like, she has abs.

Yeah.

Ab horror.

The next guy goes, the variation that I heard was,

are you the stripper that I fucked at my bachelor party whilst your friend shoved a cucumber up my arse?

Oh, here we go.

This is like the arse.

Like, what's that joke that everybody does?

The aristocrats.

Aristocrats.

The aristocrats.

Now they're all pulling in with their version of it.

The aristocrats.

I like when he said arse at the end because it's like in Inglorious Bastards when he he did the wrong three.

And it's like, I know you're a fucking Commonwealth guy.

I know.

You showed your hand.

I'm not listening to a thing you say.

You people have no humor.

That happens to me listening to posts is that, yeah,

they'll tip themselves to being British sometimes.

And it all just.

I don't hate British people at all, but I just, it changes your view all of a sudden.

You're like, oh, okay, this is a British person saying this.

Okay, now I got to understand.

Well, here's some help.

Here's a little bit of help.

Funnier if the friend was whistling while shoving shoving the cucumber.

Whistle while you work.

Oh, that is funny.

That doesn't have anything to do with...

No.

Wait, so that doesn't have anything to do with cucumber.

She's not doing the work.

He's not doing the work.

So she should be whistling while you work, not him.

Neither of you ever have.

Now, Luke, you've never been fucked in the ass.

No.

I have.

You have not?

Okay.

Okay.

No.

All right.

Would.

I've not.

So nobody in the call has been?

I've not.

No, no.

Me either.

Okay.

Okay.

So none of us know.

This guy goes, this guy goes, I got invited to a party with hookers and tramps.

I was disappointed to find out it was a casual rugby game and there was a trampoline.

Hookers and tramps and there was a trampoline.

Now hookers, is that a rugby thing?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Hooker is a, is a, it's a position in rugby.

It's a rugby thing.

And then they were like, how do we get jumping in here somehow?

How do we get trampoline?

So every rugby game that's in this person's in this person's defense, the riff is very well wrung out at this point, right?

So you're kind of really getting to the like the bare bone stuff.

So it's like you're kind of stretching to keep it going.

And that's commendable.

You don't let these things die.

You keep them going.

And yeah, sometimes it's not weird.

That's good.

It's going to be diminishing returns at the end, probably.

Is knowing that?

And I understand that you, of course, knew it as well, Chris, but to me, is there something British-coded about immediately going to Hookers, a rugby reference?

Because

I'm wondering if he's tipping his hat.

And please, I'll fall to my betters.

Or is he just a rugby enthusiast and perhaps American?

Yeah, listen, rugby is a lot bigger in Canada than it is in America.

There's different, it could be Australia, like even there's Aussie rules, but there's also rugby's big there as well, South Africa.

It is big around the world in different places.

But I would say it might

say that he's not American.

And maybe Hooker, I think it's a position, but it's definitely a rugby term, definitely.

Well, I want to say that

the part about it that got me, the reason reason I cut this one,

was because

adding the trampoline to a rugby game, like

you can't just do that.

You can't like add a trampoline to somebody.

It's like someone

has an issue with that.

There's no rule that says you can't.

I mean,

this is riffing, buddy.

There's no fucking rules on the fucking.

You see what sticks?

I mean, my God,

we're in the writer's room.

Let's all just, yeah, put some note cards up on the wall.

We don't need to use them all.

Nobody's got

Here's a new one.

Here's a new joke here.

A seven-year-old and a four-year-old are in their bedroom.

You know what?

I think it's time we started swearing, said the seven-year-old.

When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'll swear first, then you.

Sure, replied the four-year-old.

They make their way downstairs and their mom asks the seven-year-old what she wants for breakfast.

He says, I'll have Frosty's, bitch.

Wow.

He flew out of his chair, crying his eye out.

Mom looks at the four-year-old and says sternly, and what do you want?

He goes, I don't know, but it won't be fucking frosties

see i think that's a good joke i've heard that joke before i think that's good

also he said is was the mom intentional yeah yeah yeah okay so that he did all right just wanted we're just put that you know ticking that off that box off here i don't hate that it's now we're gonna get into it's an old joke it's like it's it's a dad thing like your dad would like your granddad would think it was really funny but it's like nothing wrong with it We're going to come into, another guy goes, reminds me of one of my favorites.

A kid was sent home from school one day.

Dad asks, what for?

Kid says, teacher asked what three times four is.

And I said, 12.

Dad says, but that's correct.

And the kid says, I know, but then she asked what four times three is.

Dad says, what's the fucking difference?

Kid said, that's exactly what I said.

So this guy responds and goes, well, no wonder.

The teacher asked for the product, not the difference.

What?

Huh?

Oh, math, because product is a multiplication.

And I just want to say, I think if you're cursing in front of your kids like that and they're that young i think the real mystery or the real joke here is that they're that's a very broken home and i hope i hope they i'm hoping the best yeah not true you can let your kids cuss like the the way that i did the way that i did it was hey don't do this to other people outside of the house but you can curse all you want in this house she didn't really curse as much as you would think she does now but like back when she was real little it's like i can only remember like a handful of times where she cursed uh this guy goes i feel like the original joke could be improved to incorporate this confusion into it, but I'm not fluent in English language.

How do you correctly judge or even do so on my own?

Help.

And a guy goes, I got it.

Dad says, what's the fucking difference?

The son answered, it's one, but she asked for the fucking product.

That's fun if you're in STEM, I imagine.

Yeah,

this is for math.

Like math people like this or whatever.

Universal language, they say.

He goes, but the difference is zero.

Three times four minus four times three is zero.

And also, it changes the punchline.

Is that a comment, or is that

well?

This guy goes, yeah, incorrect, and doesn't actually reveal the kid got in trouble for cursing, even if he is cursing to his dad.

The joke is fine, as is.

But if they must change it, the dad can say it's the same fucking thing and change nothing else.

This is the tedious shit I was afraid it was going to be.

This is like the stuff where it's like they are the analysis is the death like this is like really just breaking down

like just just jokes that are like whatever they're not even good.

You know, they're not like it's not like you're taking these like wonderfully like like respected pieces of like these jokes written by the like the best comedians or whatever.

You're just taking this shit and then

getting into the fucking weeds about it.

Deconstructing enough.

This is one of the rare times where i think i'm i'm really imagining guys on their lunch break or like during work you know waste wasting time on the clock doing this this is one of the rare examples where i think they actually would be better served just watching instagram reels i think they would get more out of that actually than just commenting on the little of like this back and forth argument on reddit about how to make a shitty joke more specific Not better, not better, more specific.

Not better, more specific.

That is true.

This guy goes, the difference between four and three is one.

That's why you start with 34 then 43.

And what's the difference?

What the fuck is he talking about?

I'm just saying.

He doesn't even understand what he's saying.

Brian, can we...

One more.

One more.

Okay.

This could possibly work if the teacher didn't say four times three, but the only ostensible change is the teacher saying, what about four and three?

But then it gets too convoluted to finish the joke with a good punchline.

Too convoluted.

Perhaps with four and three, the kid replies, there's one difference.

Dad agrees and is still asking why that got him in trouble.

Teacher, and what would you, what would that be, kid?

You change the order of the fucking numbers.

Or possibly, what else is the fucking difference between four and three?

You could also have dad say, and what would that, what, what would that be?

She changed the order of the fucking numbers?

Kid replies.

This is insane.

I can't be the only person that is just completely lost.

No, I was letting it wash over me.

This guy's doing fucking 12 angry men about the four times three bit.

Like, I don't know what the fuck he's doing.

Is there anyone who's like, four times three isn't even important?

Following what's good, what he's the point.

Because I could just have gotten, like, I think I'm just getting bored within not really like paying attention, but it just seems like this is not complete nonsense.

It doesn't make any fucking sense.

No, it doesn't make sense.

And the important part of the joke is not four times three.

No, it's the least.

No, that doesn't matter at all.

Yeah.

I'm imagining like, hmm, I think what would make this joke better is if my kid was sort of like a math savant and had like an understanding of numbers that was so complex for his age that he was able to destroy teacher in one foul swoop.

Yeah, he goes, he goes, well, what I said was, what else is the fucking difference between four and three?

And he goes, but I prefer how succinct the joke is as is.

Making it a bit longer kind of room.

Why were you saying anything?

Literally,

watch us fucking a video of like an AI dog going to the moon instead of writing that paragraph.

Like, truly, that's a better use of your fucking time.

Here's our next joke.

Fucking hell, love.

This is interesting, I said to the wife, looking up from my computer.

What is with all the Commonwealth shit?

Why is it?

He must be British.

This is British.

R slash jokes British.

Yeah, it must just be British.

This is clearly a British.

Can I tell you what's odd?

I was looking up, like, I was trying to find some old, extremely wordy, like, long, like, shaggy dog kind of jokes for a stream thing, and

I found that most of the forums and stuff that had these were British forums.

So I'm wondering if they're not going to be able to do that.

They must like jokes over there.

Yeah, British people.

They're trusty jokes.

Yeah.

I don't know.

Yeah.

Well, he goes, it says here,

this one is going to get you.

I know it.

It says here that the giant squid, which until last year had never been seen alive, is actually estimated as a 100 million strong species worldwide.

What the hell are you telling me that for?

She said angrily.

You were supposed to be on the internet searching out cool tattoo designs for my bum cheek.

I was love, I told her, but I had to make sure there'd be enough ink first.

Because your dumb, stupid fucking wife is a giant squid.

Yeah, yeah.

That's okay.

All right.

Now I'm.

It was a long walk, but at the end, I understand your dumb, idiot wife is the biggest, is a big fucking squid monster.

She's a squid monster.

Yeah, yeah.

What else?

No, she's not a squid monster.

She's so big.

Oh, she's big.

That in order to do a tattoo on her ass,

this ass that is big like the squids are.

You're imagining an ass that's big.

I promise you, this ass is bigger than what you're imagining.

And this ass is so damn big, this guy had to check on the population of squid to see if they had enough ink.

To see if there's a big enough squid.

I legitimately didn't get that.

I didn't get that.

Sorry, you really didn't get that.

Yes.

I was jumping on your thing because I thought that you were saying something weird on purpose.

Yeah.

I thought it was just because squids are big as fuck.

No, he was making an ink.

He was talking.

This is a pretty...

It's a pretty smart joke.

I can't.

It goes to my head.

So, you know what?

Yeah.

Does ink come from squids for real?

No.

No.

Not make we use.

This is totally

in front of me.

But the joke remains

funny, you know, regardless.

I like my version better.

Can I just say my wife's a big, stupid, big fucking squid monster that's disgusting.

And I hate that.

Yours is better.

I like yours better.

Yeah.

Well, this guy helps out.

He goes, a girl trying on some short asks her boyfriend, does my bum look big in this?

The boyfriend went, um, well, the girlfriend said, come on, honey.

We've been together for so long now.

You can tell me anything and I won't be upset.

I promise with every fiber of my being, I want you to be honest with me.

Okay, said the boyfriend.

I fucked your sister.

That got a crazy laugh.

Why is he smiling laughing?

I really, I didn't see that one coming.

That's a classic misdirection, John.

A lot of stuff about these big asses.

Now, I'm thinking about this, so it's not

necessarily bad to have a big ass.

It's not considered to be a bad thing, right?

I wonder, is it meant as an insult?

If you're British, is it bad to have a big ass?

I don't know.

Maybe the British people don't like that big ass because I mean, I got thinking that's a good thing having that big ass.

I'm thinking Kardashian, you know.

So you're, I know you're a big Kardashian.

In fact,

you know me, man.

And I ain't.

The picture

when she's holding in the what in the dude, that shit goes crazy.

I'm going to get that tattooed.

And imagine a squid doing that.

Do you think there's enough squid ink for that?

Imagine a squid shooting ink out of its own ass over its head into a champagne glass

off of its big ass.

Okay, now a morning.

Or its beak.

You know, it's got that beak.

Probably get that in there somewhere.

This guy goes, LOL literally must have been a white girl.

When a black woman asked that question, you say, hell yeah.

Okay.

Okay, over-under is the person that posted that white.

I think that that was what I'm saying though.

That's the person saying 100%.

That person's saying like that they like, well, they're saying black people like big ass.

That's what they're saying.

But I think that I would argue that maybe I would argue that a lot of people do as well.

You know,

it's a big ass.

I mean, I just think of it's one of the parts.

But this is, this is, all these jokes are crusty and old and from a hundred years ago.

Right.

When it was bad to have a big ass.

And it was bad to be, yeah, it was bad for a woman to have any weight at all anywhere on her entire body.

And for that, that's what they're going off of.

So these are

years.

You're right.

These are like old recycled jokes, even though they might be posted more recently.

They're from the 1970s, yeah.

That's a good point.

Well, 70s, I think, actually loved thick women.

So I'm going to go a little further back.

I don't think that's, I don't believe that's the 70s?

No, because I was around in the 90s, and we were kind of like, get that thing as flat as you can.

90s is 100.

90s is Courtney Cox.

Literally, the cast of friends look like they're going to die at any moment on

skeletal.

Skeletal.

Yeah.

I like it.

I'll put a book in your pants so it just flattens out in the back.

That's a joke, Riff.

I just did.

I like that because you got the ass so flat yeah i found it so i find it so crazy that in 2025 we're riffing on do these jeans make my ass look big like that is the oldest joke in the history of the world.

I can't, nobody could even tell you who came up with that.

It's every stand-up comedian from like 1980 to like

now has one of those.

What jokes?

I don't even know what jokes you're talking about.

Those specifics.

You've never heard, does these jeans make my ass look fat?

I've heard that.

And then a guy always tells me something like, oh, the world makes your ass, or something like that, you know what I mean?

Yeah, oh, like, just like in a movie or something like that.

Like, or, dude, anyway.

The comedians that did it.

This guy goes, I, the LOL, literally must have been a white girl.

Oh, no.

The next guy goes, the proper response, no matter the race involved, is damn.

I like that.

Okay.

He's got a good idea.

They really cut through the bullshit?

You know, like, I fucked your sister.

Damn.

Like, detailed, I can get behind this.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's funny to me.

Yeah, I like that too.

Damn.

Next guy goes, do these jeans make me look fat?

No, it's your big ass that makes you look fat.

Don't blame it on the jeans.

Okay.

Kind of,

that one's just mean.

Honestly, that was just a mean one.

Oh, do you guys don't like roast comedy?

Okay.

sorry some of us when we sit down at the fucking table at uh the the special table at the back of the comedy mothership that's the new place now it's

ready to hear a king level riff here oh yeah oh christ did he this guy goes do these jeans make my ass look fat he goes no but the fact that our memory foam mattress has checked into therapy is a good indicator holy shit

i well because you know what paints a motherfucking picture i'm like okay okay,

I kind of like it.

The mattress at therapy.

The mattress going to therapy.

I mean, then you do this family guy cutaway.

It's got eyes.

It's kind of hunched over a little bit to show that it has a spine.

And it's like, right.

Yeah, your ass is so fucking big.

Uh-huh.

And how did that make you feel?

I mean, this is rights itself, really.

Yeah.

If the memory foam is on a shea lounge, it's on a different like it's laying down in the psychiatrist's office.

And then it could, the button could be, huh?

I get why my humans always are doing this, you know?

The fact that our memory foam mattress has checked into therapy is a good indicator.

Here's one who goes, there's nothing wrong with your eyes, babe.

When he woke up in the hospital, the doc said his eyes should be healed enough to see normally again in a month or so.

What?

What?

That's the same joke?

Huh?

That's the next joke.

That's the next rift.

Sorry, why his eye got hurt?

What are you talking about?

The wife says, dude, these genes make my ass look fat.

He says, there's nothing wrong with your eyes, babe.

When he woke up in a hospital, the doc said his eyes should be healed enough to see normally again in a month or so.

So what happened was he said,

the jeans, you're, let me help you, okay?

So here's how it goes.

The woman says, do these jeans make my ass look fat?

He looks at her and he goes, there's nothing wrong with your eyes, babe, which she didn't ask, but that's what he's saying, okay?

Right.

And why is she saying that?

Because then her eyes, because then he, if she thinks they look like big, they are.

The eyes are correct.

The eyes are

correct.

Whatever it is.

Really?

She hits him as hard as she can.

And then he wakes up in the hospital and his eyes will be healed normally again in a month or so.

What the fuck?

It's sort of a

literal eye for an eye.

It's Hammurabi's code is that you insult my eye and then I take yours for a month.

Brian, can I say something?

That's actually one of the worst riffs I've ever heard.

I really like it doesn't really

work.

It's so clunky.

It's like, yeah, it's really, really, like, it's really in a, yeah, we're, we're, obviously, not a lot of the stuff is super funny, but like that one seems to be unable to even participate in any of it.

He should have to explain it like I did.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

Somebody should say to him, all right now let's see your your work show your work but do they down they just downvote that or just

okay okay okay i think i have i think i have a good punch up for it okay so so the guy the woman asks is my ass does my ass look fat in this the guy says oh your eyes are working just fine and then she turns around and says shut the fuck up bitch and that beats the shit out of him that is basically the joke yeah but we really we get no

specific emotions of it because we're missing the emotion you guys are going to to love this.

This first ride goes, the husband is currently in the hospital recovering from his injuries.

And then that riff comes and goes, but she promised not to be angry.

And then the next guy goes and enjoying a short vacation, some men may add.

Because he's a hospital for a moment.

Now at least he gets to get away from.

Yeah, so this is going off of the old definitely like 80s, 90s kind of, well, of course you hate your wife.

You want to get away from her.

You know, you never want to be around her ever, obviously.

that's weird.

That's like a

starting point for a conversation between any two men who are married.

My stupid wife.

Yeah.

Here's another riff for everybody.

This is from the Facebook peg, Chuck Norris Jokes and Facts.

Yes, dude.

I don't like this.

This post is from four hours ago.

Yes.

This post is from yesterday.

No, no.

I feel like I have to tell you this is from yesterday.

Right, right.

This guy goes, the only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

Come on, man.

Come on.

When it's so clearly a guy trying his own hand at it,

just can't do it.

We only have,

our heart only beats so many times before we die.

You know what I mean?

And you're wasting these precious moments on earth doing this, you know?

The seconds of oxidation.

Honey, are you ready?

Honey, are you ready?

Are you ready?

We're going to the thing, right?

the thing with the dinner.

Where are you, honey?

Yeah, just hang on.

Just hang on one second.

I'm just trying to get the wording right here on it.

Like, if Chuck Norris was, if Chuck Norris was if he was ever wrong, but he's not ever wrong.

But he's not ever wrong.

So, how do I make that make sense?

Honey, are you funny and funny?

Honey, are you Chuck Norris, Joe?

They're still doing the Chuck Norris joke?

I like that.

There's a bunch of great guys on here.

We just like riff back and forth all day.

It's awesome.

Me and my boys.

Used to be guys played poker.

Now guys go on Facebook pages that say this in between posting racist articles about the police.

I think you couldn't tell people in your real life about this.

I guess I would depend, but I think this would be embarrassing.

This is like an embarrassing thing to participate in.

Even my riffers, I think even if you had friends who are like known riffers, online riffers, and people who like engaged in a lot of riffing, I think if you're like, you you know, it was Tealer Day, it would be like a thing like you're like, begrudgingly, it'd be like TLA Day.

I was like, I'm fucking riffing on some fucking Norris, you know?

Oh, really?

Don't beat yourself up, man.

It's like, I understand sometimes you've like, you get needed to riff.

You're not feeling super creative.

You're just nervous to go on R/slash jokes.

You don't think you're funny enough, so you warm up with some Chuck Norris riffs before you get into the real stuff.

Getting nervous to post on jokes.com like you're in the the green room of a comedy club.

Going to the bathroom, looking at yourself in the mirror.

Okay, let's bring the funny.

Well, the first comment was from Michael, and he says, got sick of these years ago, but that is very good.

Funny, because he's also in the group.

He's been in that group.

He's looking at it enough to get updates for it.

But that really got me that he's just like, he recognizes.

He's like, I know

this is gone.

There's no juice left in this.

He's like, I haven't laughed at one of these in years, but

for heaven's sakes, that one fucking got me for whatever reason.

And the peak of crazy worst jokes for me was when I was like fucking 12.

Yeah, I mean, it's very early internet.

It's very E-bombs world coded.

It's 30 years ago, probably 25, 25 years ago, maybe 20 years ago.

Do you think it was that old?

Because I was 20 years ago, I think, is a fair estimate of when those were years ago.

If I was 12, it would have been 2007.

That's when I'm thinking, like, when I was getting into that.

That's almost 20 ago.

Can you look up that?

Can anybody do that?

I don't know how you do it.

The first time I'm going to go to the next step

know your meme Chuck Norris and see what you're doing.

Just put in Chuck Norris, a first ever Chuck Norris joke date and just let Google AI do the rest.

This guy goes, if Chuck Norris were to go vegan, that would not be a huge missed steak.

That's not a Chuck Norris

joke.

That's not a Chuck Norris joke.

You're trying to infiltrate the Chuck Norris fear with pretty standard sort sort of plays on words.

That's not a vegan joke.

Yeah, that's just a vegan joke.

That's not a Chuck Norris.

Get that out of here, vegan.

2005 is what New Year Megan seems like.

20 years ago.

20 years ago.

That makes sense.

That's perfect.

That makes sense.

2005, about two years later, would have been the peak.

And it's kind of the joke.

It reads to me as the type of joke.

I've talked about this in the past.

My dentist growing up was a jokes guy.

But he would print the jokes off.

He would have these jokes on paper that he would get facts to him and he would give them to my parents like as they left.

Now I only saw one or two of them because they were all like dirty jokes.

My parents were like, you can't see these.

But then I saw them in their room, the papers, the printed off papers of dirty jokes, of like, you know, like Playboy jokes.

You know what I mean?

Like the pictures and stuff.

What?

That's psychotic.

I know.

That your dentist is handing out dirty jokes.

Did he have the paper in the room, room like posted on the wall so he could like look up and tell a joke no it was just it was just to give to the people just to give away here's a packet on the way out you know what i'm saying yeah like a packet a parting gift like here's a couple of the things that you want to you want to have a good laugh on the way home like yeah you know what it was yeah the child the child orthodontist is giving the most disgusting crass jokes possible to the people did he did he do the dentist work on your parents as well yeah he did it on all of us okay so he did the whole family and then so so it's like a dentist who he's thinking, like, you know, you give candy because it's gonna, it's like a bad experience.

So let's try to have it be a good experience afterwards.

And his idea was to give dirty jokes for you to read and then have a little chuckle to yourself so you could forget your experience.

I feel like maybe his heart's in the right place.

It's less psychotic than I first thought, but I think it's misguided for sure.

Just give me a kid a toy and send him home.

You know, the parents don't need something.

The parents don't need anything.

Yeah, parents don't need anything.

When you become an adult, you go to the dentist and you fucking deal with it.

That's it.

Well, I don't.

I get put under.

This guy goes, but he also wasn't wrong about being wrong,

which was right about not being wrong.

So he's a rising contributor to this.

What?

Next guy goes, if Chuck,

this guy goes, since Trump is president, it must mean that Chuck Norris wants Trump to be POTUS.

If Chuck Norris didn't want Trump to be POTUS, Trump would not be POTUS.

That's why I voted for him.

Trump would not be POTUS.

He would not be POTUS.

I saw the writing on the wall.

Explain, all you fucking Norris defenders, explain to me this.

How come there's actually

a lot of people who are in the world?

It's interesting that Norris has not done anything about the,

you know, all of the horrors that are happening.

Yeah.

Start attacking the Norris fans.

Yeah.

Like, really, here's one.

Here's the next one here.

It's a meme.

I'm going to share it to you guys.

So Van Dam does an epic split, but Chuck Norris is driving both trucks.

Now, there's two trucks, and Van Dam or some guy is between them doing the splits.

Now, this is probably an AI picture.

I don't think this is real.

But Chuck Norris driving both trucks.

That's kind of basically like saying like, oh, yeah.

That he's out.

That's the kind of thing.

They compare him to like the other guy.

How much

he's so much superior.

He's a god.

He has godlike abilities.

He's a god among men.

Let's hear the riffs on this, though, because I feel like this is a solid starting off point for some pretty good riffage.

In fact, the truck stands still.

Chuck is driving the world.

What?

What?

Beep, beep.

Hang on a second.

I feel like you went a little too far with it right now.

You got a fucking steering wheel driving the whole world.

I mean, here's what I'll say about that.

Nonsense, but I like the imagination.

I like the imagery.

I agree.

I agree with you that I like the imagination there.

But I do think that it's kind of shooting your walk, like you're a little bit like, that's where you go from there.

That's the furthest thing.

Let it build up to it a little bit.

This guy goes,

Chuck Norris would split them with his pinky and thumb.

Split what?

The trucks?

The trucks?

The trucks, I guess.

Okay.

But he's doing the splits.

I think.

Did you know exactly what you're responding to there?

This guy has very long thumbs.

That's the sort of this guy's reference.

I'm imagining he's sort of a monster.

He's got like an extra thumb bone in each thumb.

Yeah, so he can do the splits with his thumbs.

Next post is just a guy saying, Chuck Norris is a god.

And then he gets in this guy.

Yeah, that's a reply.

He gets a reply.

Now he gets a reply, and the guy goes, God praise the Chuck Norris.

Yep.

Yep.

I mean, that cuts through the bullshit.

I don't like that because

the premise of all the jokes is that he's the God.

Well, it's lowering God to human level, which obviously only ever happened once.

Excuse me?

That you

force his human level.

Yeah, excuse me.

No, it's actually lowering God to Chuck Norris.

A little bit higher than human.

I think so.

I think so.

He's driving the whole freaking world in a big fucking apparatus that sits on the North Pole and he gets on the steering wheel and he can drive it through the space.

Is your uncle doing that?

Is your uncle doing doing that?

Oh,

God's driving to Earth.

I don't think so, dude.

He just watches it like a bitch.

Here's the question.

Do you think the controller on the North Pole is like a zero-turn motor or mower

with the two levers?

Like a pod racer?

No, not like a Luke.

All right, sorry.

Sorry.

I thought it was.

Think of it as

steering wheel and lost.

The steering wheel and lost that drives the island.

Like that's kind of what I was trying to do.

Is that there There is a point where they drive the island.

What?

That's so sick.

I think you know that.

It like cranks up like a speedboat, like sideways out of the water.

They don't show the island move, but he's driving the island.

This guy goes, this guy, the next question

from August 16th, he goes, who would win?

And comment why?

John Wick or Chuck Norris?

You're going to win.

Well, John Wick isn't real.

The girlies are fighting.

I mean, this is so sad to even think about.

I think John Wick only got like three votes.

Yeah, it's ridiculous.

Like Chuck Norris.

Yeah, it's ridiculous.

This guy goes, John Wick was a force to be reckoned with till he faced Chuck Norris, and he changed to Juan Weak because he was in a comma for one week.

Comma?

Yeah, he said comma.

Sorry.

Juan Week would be, would be John Wick?

J-U-A-N.

Is that correct?

Juan Week.

That's actually

fucking.

That's actually pretty good.

He's turned into a fan.

Because I don't really get how it's good to be able to do that.

So he turned into one week.

Right.

He turned Hispanic, I guess.

No, no, no, no.

I mean, I guess maybe, but that's not the main part.

He's traditionally Hispanic now.

Yes, of course.

Yes.

Hey, listen, Hispanic people are getting caught in the crossfire of this joke a little bit, but I think it's just mainly to make it sound like one week, of course.

So then he can bust out the hilarious joke of saying, because he spent one week in a coma.

Okay, but it would be, it is odd that it's like, I don't know, like, let me pitch a slight difference.

Okay, what if it was Y-U-A-N, like the Chinese currency, and it was one week.

And

that would be weird to you, right?

And then, and then it, and then he says, yeah, because he was put in a Chinese hospital because they were fighting in Beijing.

Yes.

Yeah.

Yeah, okay.

This guy had a bunch of scaffolding.

This guy goes, because Chuck Norris once had a bet with Superman.

The loser of the fight had to start wearing his underwear on the outside of his pants.

Oh, and Superman classically wears his underwear on the outside of his,

I found

in the Chuck Norris verse, a lot of like origin stories that you didn't realize were actually

came from Chuck.

A lot of, like, he's responsible for, he's Forrest Gump-esque.

Yes.

This guy goes, this is not a green lantern Ring is his booger.

I'm sorry.

You know what's crazy?

I was also trying to think of a green lantern.

This guy goes, this is not a question.

Chuck Norris wins.

So he's kind of mad.

Yeah, that's the right way to deal with this.

Like, there's certain things you can joke around about and riff on, but it's like when people start saying, oh, who's better, John Wake or Chuck Norris?

It's good to just shut that down and just say, this is fucking stupid.

You're being actually super ignorant.

And the obvious answer is Chuck Norris.

That's the right way.

Getting on that for getting on that Facebook group every day, and just anytime someone posts something like that, being like, dude, what the fuck are you talking about?

This is actually one of the stupidest things I've ever heard.

You could not be more wrong.

Well, the next guy says, unfortunately, at the end of the day, Wick would probably get the drop on Chuck Norris.

Only a statement from Reeves would be able to convince me otherwise.

So somebody's asking Christopher Reeves.

It wouldn't be funny if they asked Christopher Reeves about John Wick.

Christopher Reeves, do you think John Wick could beat Chuck Norris?

So now we need to get a statement from Keanu Reeves about whether he thinks John Wick could beat up Chuck Norris.

Yeah, the actor who plays him should.

I mean,

yeah, that's

writers.

Somebody

would ask that.

Somebody would ask that, and Keanu Reeves, he's so polite, he would fucking do his best to answer the stupid bullshit.

Yeah,

I would not be surprised if at some like

comic-con, I don't know, would he ever do something like that, though?

He would never be on a panel, right?

He's too famous.

This guy goes, because John Wick is a fictional character, Chuck Norris is a real person.

No, but that's not.

Listen,

he's not really, though.

Not in this context.

He's not.

Right.

And then the next guy goes, this next guy just goes, don't disrespect Chuck Norris.

Come on.

You fucking idiots.

Leave it alone.

Those are the people I most respect.

The ones who, yeah, they're just like, shut the fuck up.

Defenders.

The Chuck Norris defender is logged on.

And finally, this person goes, John Wick killed three people with a pencil that Chuck Norris used in kindergarten.

Wait a second.

They didn't use it to kill.

Wait a second.

He used to kill a bunch of kids.

He was drawing.

I can't actually tell who that one is on the side of.

He was drawing in kindergarten.

I don't know who he thinks would win.

Right.

Chuck Norris has a strong pencil.

Chuck Norris is like,

right.

Okay, yeah.

Right.

Chuck Norris has a strong pencil.

Yeah, Chuck Norris is like, but his is even stronger because that one that

John Wick used for his murder was the one that he was using back when he was five.

So now the one presumably that he has now is like way stronger.

His new pencil.

Yeah, it's like a

metal pencil.

Yeah, it's like really strong.

and still wood.

It makes sense to do it.

Oh,

yeah.

I'm not beautiful mahogany.

It's tough to say if that person actually believes John Wick or

Chuck would win.

Let's read some book reviews.

Oh, wait.

Actually, I wanted to do some political jokes.

I know we don't do politics on here.

We don't talk politics usually, but we do political humor and jokes.

But on Quora, it says, what joke best illustrates the difference between Democrats and Republicans?

This guy goes,

what joke best represents?

sorry.

This guy goes,

how many Democrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One, with his pen and phone, he'll mandate that all private employers offer free light bulb screwing for their employees.

With his pen and phone.

With his pen and phone.

The pen and phone are mightier than the sword.

This guy, he goes, how many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Excuse me, why is it our job to screw in your light bulb?

Okay.

Yeah.

Okay.

I guess that's structurally there's nothing wrong with that.

Yeah, these are the kind of jokes that are only looking to be correct and not funny.

They're only looking to be like, make some point that they think they're phone.

They're not regularly correct.

Democrats do be having their pen in their phone.

Their pen in their phone.

Yeah.

I mean, that is so classic, bro.

Here's, I'm going to break it down.

You guys, I don't know if you guys are into politics.

I've been getting into it recently.

I'm trying to.

It's confusing.

Go ahead.

So,

what will happen is you try to just use your pen,

right?

But then it's like, God, you're sitting there waiting around.

You know, this is taking forever.

Yeah.

And that's when the phone comes into play.

Right.

Because this is a direct sign to these people that you're writing these notes and letters to.

You could call the president on that thing.

Yeah.

If you have the president's number, you could.

Yeah.

Yeah.

This guy went off the rail.

So this is all this guy has his post.

He starts out with how many Americans does it take to change a light bulb?

That's the question.

Okay, and I'm the only Canadian here, right?

And you're going to go nuts.

I'm going to try not to laugh too hard at this one.

One.

One, Republicans.

One, but they're so angry at being asked that they break two light bulbs the next time it needs changing, they deny the dark.

What?

Deny the dark.

That's kind of a beautiful turn of phrase.

Deny the dark is deny the dark.

I think that that's like the tagline for like a a Spider-Man musical.

This guy goes, Democrats.

Say it again.

Say that.

I think I could follow it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

One.

It takes one Republican to change a light bulb because they are, but they get so angry at being asked that they break two bulbs.

And the next time it needs changing, they deny the dark.

Like denying global warming or something.

It feels like this is like a very direct thing that they're trying to, comparison, they're trying to make it.

It might be global warming.

It's a specific thing.

A very specific thing.

It's not landing at all.

Again, I think even if it did land, it would make zero people laugh ever.

But some people might go like this.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think it's weird because they're not actually changing the light bulb.

They're breaking two light bulbs.

Why is there a next time?

You get what I'm saying?

They changed it first.

They changed the first one.

They changed it.

Usually when you do a changing the light bulb joke, you probably talk about the time where you're talking

the present.

You're not really thinking about future times you change the light bulb.

So that's a bit confusing.

Going too far.

Going too far.

I'm like, where are we?

Democrats, one, but they have no spares, then buy the wrong bulb, so they have to make two costly trips to the store to get it done.

That's just what I do.

I mean, that's.

It's like government oversight.

I don't know what.

I guess just in government inefficiency.

See, like costly trips to the store.

Two Two costly trips to the store.

Deny the dark.

Two costly trips to the store.

I mean, this is this the same guy, Brian.

No.

Yes, it is.

It is.

It's like his list of.

I mean, he's, you know, he's a poet.

What are you supposed to say?

You know, number three, libertarians.

None, since there's no government, there's no electric power, and light bulbs are unnecessary.

Sure.

Yes, libertarians.

Three, a trade unionists.

Three,

senior bulbs.

It's not like a political stance.

Three, a senior bulb procurer hired by the Republicans that also greets at Walmart, a junior bulb locator hired by the Democrats to keep the bulb drawers filled, and an immigrant that screws the bulb.

Okay.

Brother, I'm, I am, uh, this, this is, this is just getting dragged out here.

Communists.

I do see your

i know what this guy believes in i think i think yeah believes it's all a bunch of crap yeah he thinks he thinks he can't trust anyone all this stupid crap and it's all angles you know yeah yeah everyone's kind of stupid centrist there's 11 of these i only cut five but there's 11 of them

And finally, communists, thousands, since the five-year plan will require public bulb screwing training for everyone on pain of death.

But there are no light bulbs, so everyone waits in the dark, afraid to fall asleep.

Pain of death, pain of

deny the dark pain of death.

It's rift time.

It's riff time.

This person goes, you forgot.

Tim Foyle hat conspiracy theorists.

Darkness is just a liberal hoax.

No need for light bulbs, you foolish sheeple.

Surgeons don't really need lights to operate.

They've been brainwashed.

If you're afraid to drive at night on the freeway when nobody has headlights, then stay home in fear.

Hey, you forgot my stupid, long, unfunny idea.

And can I say for the record, can I say for the record, deny the dark includes all that.

And it's very poetic, right?

It's very concise.

Deny the dark paints that world for me better than any sort of long-winded thing about the highway.

And consistently, deny the dark is clearly a genius statement that it came out of like nonsense, but every now and then, right, you throw a bunch of shit over.

It's the monkeys typewriter thing.

Yeah, I know.

Totally, totally.

That's a really nice phrase.

Don't mumble it.

You mumbled it, and I could see you like typing something.

You try to remember it for my stories.

The next guy goes, the next guy just tags onto this, and he goes, yes.

And those streetlights and highway signs are all part of that same liberal conspiracy, too.

Paid for taxes, which are a kind of theft.

Didn't you know?

I bet you don't know that many of the city and state government that have perpetrated these lights and street signs attend international meetings convened by the United Nations where they exchange ideas on road safety, street lighting, and the like.

It may seem innocuous, but it's all part of the new world order and George Soros is to blame.

Guy who he's fully doesn't know it's a joke threat.

He's just like, he sees that.

He's like, I'm going to get in here.

I don't know.

I don't know that I, I don't know that I've ever been so checked out doing this podcast than I was just in those last few moments there.

Like, I just, I genuinely was looking out the window, looking at the river, and just stopped listening entirely to what Brian was saying.

Well, this person goes, meanwhile, a woman has gone to the cupboard where she keeps her light bulbs, chooses the correct one, notes stock levels, and adds to her shopping list those that she is running low on, replaces the bulb without a fuss.

Wait a second.

Is it women?

Aren't we doing political parties or what's going on?

So forgets, I think, is when you need to do that.

Safrajets, yeah.

Well,

our original poster does respond to that.

But this thread is about partisan political parties saying, quote, women is too broad a category.

And as a rule, women are too smart.

I will add number 13 because so we did 13 of them.

As a rule, women are too smart.

I mean, another beautiful phrase.

Sorry.

It's not a woman.

I just love taking inventory and keeping track of

as a rule.

Women are too smart.

He goes, but this, he goes, 13.

This is his 13th one.

Militant feminists.

Three.

What?

Come on.

One empowered feminist who stockpiles LED bulbs in all sizes exclusively for women.

One grad student who picks the wrong bulb deliberately to duck the job.

And a neighborhood teenager that steals the horde, screws in the right bulb, and poses for a selfie on eBay.

This guy is like, this guy is treating this.

This person is treating this like they're like a creator who's like, listen, I've been getting a lot of emails asking me to do one on the women,

so I will do one on women.

Like, you know, like you said, like, hey, can you please make a video about this?

You know, those like reaction channels or whatever, people will always get on them, like, you got to react to this, you got to do this.

This guy's like, fine, here it is.

And you can tell this one's a little forced.

You could tell it's like they didn't originally want to do this one.

So it's kind of like

a little bit

sort of jackknife in there, you know?

He's a comedian doing Quora jokes.

What's the, what's the,

just, the grad student picked the wrong one?

I don't, that's where it fell apart a little bit for me.

I don't really, is this, oh, because they're picking something contrarian?

Is that?

I'm not really sure.

Again, I don't think it's really.

Yeah.

That's us.

I don't, I don't understand any of the three things.

So I went on Amazon and I looked at some reviews of a book called, and I got to show you guys the cover of this.

Yeah.

Because I think you got to see the cover to get some of of the reviews.

This is terribly awesome dad jokes.

Okay.

Brian and I are dads.

Either of you guys, you guys aren't dads, right?

No, we aren't dads.

But I do hope.

Based on the cover, I know exactly.

I believe that every single person who bought this book looks like that cover come to life.

You know, exactly.

This guy goes.

I'm just going to say, though, if this is going to, Brian and I might get some of these a little more than you.

So before you sort of jump on them and start saying, oh, what the hell?

This is so stupid.

Keep in mind, Brian and I might think they're actually very bad.

Well, these are reviews, Chris.

And this person says, disappointing dad jokes.

This is a silly book, which you shouldn't sell, and I would like to return.

Very good.

This person goes, hated it.

Hated it.

Thought it would be good jokes for a dad to say to kids.

It's not.

Full of stupid innuendos and some that kids shouldn't hear.

Went right into the trash.

Right into the trash.

I want to hear some of the jokes, though.

This is upsetting to me because we can't judge.

We don't know if these people are right or not.

This is the jokes episode, and we're not hearing jokes.

I'm sorry.

I have more jokes.

I do have.

This is supposed to be the happy episode.

Well, I'm going to shut.

Fine.

We're going to go back to the house.

People are burning books.

That's horrible.

They're throwing them in the garbage.

No,

we love people reviewing things.

It's just, I just feel like...

I feel like I want to know what those jokes are.

We'll get you the book.

This guy goes, this is off.

Don't just say that.

If you're not going to do it, I'm going to send it to you.

Send me that book, please.

The dad jokes.

I would like to read some of those dad jokes in all of my.

You'll need them now more than ever, Chris.

I mean, you got to.

Some of them are.

Yeah.

Sorry, Luke.

Some of them are inappropriate for children, I found out.

I think, and I'm not kidding.

I think

one of the reviews pedophile jokes in it or something.

I want to say these books by my kids.

Well, can I just say something?

And I mean, maybe I'm wrong here.

I happen to be wrong, but wouldn't like a child would really relate to a pedophile.

Here's the book I'm talking about.

They would be in.

I don't know that they understand the.

They don't understand fear?

I'm sorry.

Go up.

This joke book is called Seriously Sick Jokes: The Most Disgusting, Filthy, Offensive Jokes from the Vile, Obscene, Disturbed Minds of B3TA.com.

What is that?

Do you have any idea?

Not a clue.

Not a fucking idea.

B3TA.com.

It's like beta or whatever, right?

We love the web.

Oh, this is like one of those places you've never heard of.

Oh, yeah.

This is an amazing website.

Oh, my God.

Visit by food.

Show us the future of.

What the fuck?

This is updated like yesterday.

Whoa.

This This looks crazy.

It's like the chive, Chris.

It's chive-y.

Dude, I need to.

There's a message board?

Bro.

This is a place.

So, this is this person goes four stars.

An honest attempt at offensiveness.

The jokes range from silly to those in poor taste to pretty sick.

Some you will have heard before, especially the Helen Keller jokes.

The dead baby jokes establish the seriously sick end of the spectrum.

Many of the jokes are topical and dated, Princess Diana, Superman, etc., but are funny, and the logic of the joke can be extended to apply to current celebs as appropriate.

The occasional joke is repeated within the book.

That's strange.

Some illustrations are very hard to read and contain microscopic print.

As best I can tell from the comments, this is not identical to the bumper B3TA Book of Sick Jokes sold on amazon.co.uk, but it's nearly the same.

This gets points for seriously trying to be as juvenile and offensive as possible and remain publishable.

So,

really pushing the envelope.

This is somebody who's a free speech warrior and it respects the fact that, hey, even though you seem to have cut some corners, you know, reprinting jokes a number of times in the book and stuff, I do respect that you're at least,

you know, saying the R-word a lot or something like that.

Chris, I want to read this to you because I think you're going to love it.

This is a three-star review.

Sent this to a friend that loves gross gross jokes and i thought it was in that vein however there are some christ jokes and little kid jokes that were crossing the line i guess i didn't read it myself uh you imagine oh no

oh no brian oh no this is this is a nightmare

this is something i think you might enjoy actually it's like uh i'm very religious and i have uh young children why did you send me this book that uh has a bunch of pedophile and antichrist jokes in it.

It's a nightmare.

You send somebody a dirty joke book for a present and it's got Christ jokes in it?

I mean, that is way over.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, that is.

I mean, pedophile jokes are fine, but it's when we talk about Christ is where I really draw the line.

I think

it feels like it's not a, I would say that just personally, I would not send a dirty joke book to somebody as a gift

because unless I was going to read it and I wouldn't read it.

So I'm not going to do that, right?

Like, I wouldn't want to risk that I send the thing saying, Hey, this is, I thought you might think this is funny.

And then one of the jokes is like, you know, insane or whatever.

Yeah.

Well, I love the idea of sending a dirty joke book to your friend who would be offended by a Christ joke.

Yes.

Yeah.

When Christ got nailed on the cross, his boner got so big that he didn't bleed out of his hands and his legs, something like that.

This book is called 1001.

This book is called 1001 One Liners and Short Jokes.

The ultimate collection of the funniest laugh-out loud rib ticklers.

Luke is laughing so hard at Jesus' crucifixion.

It's funny.

His boner was, you know, because the thing where your boner gets so big, you pass out.

He does it.

And then it's like, he's like, oh, his hands aren't even bleeding.

I guess

it's fine.

Because all his blood is in his penis.

Right.

And then there's another crucifix hanging off of his dick.

And there's another guy.

We joke around a lot on here.

It's a comedy podcast, and we appreciate you guys coming on, but we don't make those kind of jokes.

Can I say something about B3TA, this place that we found?

It's my favorite website.

I found a thread, question of the week.

I'm sorry I've written a joke.

This is a joke thread on B3TA.

Yes.

I'm going to become a B3TA guy.

Me too.

This is my new spot.

Okay.

And there's, I mean, there's a bunch of really, really bad ones.

They're all really, really bad.

However, there's one guy called Toucan Chunder.

And I'm just going to read out some of the setups and not the jokes.

Just like, I'm just going to read them all in order.

What English chess grandmaster shat himself during his match with Garry Kasparov?

What does Garry Kasparov sing to the accompaniment of Bavarian folk-style brass instrument music?

And it goes on for two more sentences.

Why did Garry Kasparov grab at the flamboyant, homosexual, stylishly decorated genitalia?

Where does Garry Kasparov keep a record of all of his chess matches?

What does Gowi Kasparov wank over?

How does Garry Kasparov traditionally throw down the gauntlet to a potential opponent?

What does Garry Kasparov eat during chess matches?

He keeps.

There's so many jokes.

Give me the first one again.

Wait,

the first premise with Gary Kasparov?

Which English chess grandmaster shat himself whilst breaking wind during his world championship with Garry Kasparov?

Magnus Fartzelsson.

Okay.

Pretty good.

This guy gives it three stars.

He goes, decent, but too tame for my taste.

I have a suggestion.

The 1001 One Liners book isn't bad, especially if you're looking for light, family-friendly humor.

It delivers a ton of quick, clean jokes that are easy to share at casual gatherings or with kids.

I chuckled at a few, but personally, I prefer something with a more bite.

I like the rivalry jokes, rants, and roasts college series.

Ohio State, Georgia, and the Michigan one is my favorite.

Those pack a punch with sharp, targeted humor that hits hard if you're into that scene.

This book, by contrast, feels a bit too generic and soft for my taste.

It's a Kill Tony fan there, baby.

Mm-hmm.

That guy loves Kill Tony.

Man, if I was doing Kill Tony, I'd be so good at it.

I'd be so mean to the guys.

You know, oh, you figure you're on panel right away?

Yeah, right.

But you're going to literally, you're the open mic or getting roasted at Madden.

You got to pull the bucket.

You got to go to the bucket.

Any of us are going to go to the bucket, man.

We're going to pull the bucket from the bucket.

We're going to hope, along with 16,000 other comedians who have moved to Austin, Texas and upended their lives, we're going to hope that we get pulled so we can go up for one minute, which, by the way, is not long enough to do stand-up comedy in any good way.

And then get roasted by fucking,

you know, just some of the absolute worst.

Some of the worst comedians you've ever seen.

Tim Dillon's going to say something something to you that makes people laugh in the way that like in a cartoon when someone has a bad dream and they show up in their underwear and it's like,

you're going to get that kind of laughter.

Yep.

Got this one for my dad because, well, dad jokes.

Chris likes these a lot too.

This is a guy who's doing a funny review.

He's like.

He's a bit of a writer himself.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

He goes, if your father's sense of humor is a complete train wreck from the circuitous way he tells them to the overall subject matter, this book is for you more than him.

So give this to him as a gift, and you will save everyone around him the pain and horror of jokes that could be summarized in just a few sentences.

Perhaps after he understands a properly crafted joke, right down to the timing and cadence, you'll turn him into the life of the party.

Now, if you're dad, just close your eyes and imagine commanding the love and respect by a room full of sexy ladies.

Now imagine the conversation you'll have with your wife after you've made all those ladies think you're more fun to live with than you actually are.

Finally, realize that this is less for that sort of thing and more for making your wife smile and roll her eyes at you.

If that's the most you can hope for at this point in your marriage, this is the way to go.

Buy this book before she hands you divorce papers and runs off with the pool boy.

Speaking of which, you might want to update your swim trunks at some point.

So this guy's auditioning to be in the book.

He's auditioning.

Very much, he says, he says, what am I doing outside of the page?

Why am I writing outside of the pages of the book?

Listen, anybody who says anything to do with this book, you know, the next book or whatever, just look at this.

These words should be inside them.

I completely agree with you, Luke.

This is, we, we, we encounter people like this, but they're not often, he's directly auditioning for the thing that he is revealing.

It's not that it's like he's expressing himself weirdly through reviews.

He's like, no, I can't find their contact information on their website, so this is the way I'm going to send in my packet.

Yes, exactly.

We get people who just do general stuff where they're just like, I'm just going to kind of show the world that I'm a really good creative writer and hope that somebody picks up this shit.

But yeah, this is, I think, the first person who seemed to be doing a direct audition for the product that they're reviewing.

17 people found this review helpful and every one of them got a smile out of the guy.

You know what I mean?

17 people read that moment.

He went, yeah, he checked it.

And he's still, and I don't know how old it is, but I bet he gives it a peek every now and then to see if anybody else.

I don't know how that review's doing.

17.

It was 14 when I checked last year.

Holy fuck, fuck, 17.

Three people.

I mean, we're talking about it.

Obviously, yeah,

it's going to slow down.

It's not getting in front of as many eyes and everything.

So three and four.

This already went viral.

So now we're just going to extrapolate afterblow.

I'm going to start a YouTube and ran it.

Finally, I went to R slash Dad Jokes and this post comes up.

Everyone, they very much have had this fight a million times.

Dad jokes are not pornographic.

These are jokes you can tell your kids.

Literally, that's what a dad joke is.

Stupid puns that elicit a groan.

Please stop with the graphic sex jokes or jokes that are clearly adult.

I think that's correct, right?

I think dad jokes are the dad jokes, are the really like corny kind of jokes that are

that's the understood thing, but I also think dad jokes can be these like old gross sex jokes.

I think dirty jokes aren't dad jokes.

I think

Chris, yeah.

When I think of a dad joke, it's like a pun or like a goofy, like, okay, something you roll your eyes at.

Not like it's so what happens when two pedophiles walk into a bar at the same time you know

yeah it's it's not it's not dirty jokes i'm trying to think i do them i do them to like ariel to like you know specifically so that she'll be like oh come on you know like i actually will do that i'll do and and there's they're very specific and they're not

gross although i guess they could be like it could be a dumb pun about a gross topic or something like that but the key is the dumb pun that's an innuendo i see but there seems to be a lot of talk of like like,

yeah, a char, it seems like the biggest problem is

they're going too far with this crap, which is

this guy goes, I don't know what's been covered, but I'm all good with the not say for work option if those telling the joke are using it.

I've left groups due to the amount of porn slash porn heads.

Porn heads?

Porn ads, which I believe says something more about the diet.

We keep putting all these ads on Facebook for this porno.

What the hell?

He goes, nothing as horrible as looking through what you think are mostly clean jokes with your daughter, and here comes a sex scene, which I don't know what he means.

Guy reports that he's a good one.

I think that he's making like a comparison to watching a movie, right?

The famous thing you're watching a movie with your family or whatever.

You don't realize the sex scene is coming out.

So he's kind of equating it to that, I guess.

But if you're just positive, I wouldn't know.

But going through dirty jokes.

I guess, yeah, you don't know.

He doesn't know they're dirty jokes and then thinks, hey, let's go laugh at some jokes as a family.

And then everybody's looking at the book at the same time.

They're all gathering around.

Yeah, why don't you just not say them?

That's on Reddit.

We're all on Reddit to call the family in.

I've put my Reddit on the TV screen.

We're going to scroll through R slash Dad's.

Yeah, maybe just get the, maybe do a personal scroll and read.

Maybe not.

Maybe he's not confident in his reading.

You know what I'm saying?

Like, he doesn't think he can deliver the jokes well enough.

So he's like, we got to let the family read them in real time.

This guy goes, the much better solution would be for people who do not like not safe for work dad jokes to go to our slash clean dad jokes instead of trying to police jokes on here and try to make some other new place a thing for something mostly everyone is fine with gosh next guy replies and goes solid point dropping this sub thank you

so

dad jokes you need to make your own clean safe space for your jokes this is uh yeah dad jokes unfortunately are gonna get a little bit watch a video of like someone power washing a carpet.

You know what I mean?

Like, there's so many videos you could be watching instead of arguing with a guy online whether you, what dad jokes subreddit.

You watch the video.

I disagree in the sense that it's good to, I think, communicate with other people and be reaching out and having those connections.

In this case,

I don't think that's true also.

In this case,

I actually think that a lot of people need to be connecting with fewer people.

Right.

Like, fewer connections.

You're probably right.

I disagree.

I disagree.

I think in this case,

these are really bad connections.

I don't think most people on Earth were built to know more than five people.

Yes.

Certainly not be perceived by more than five people.

I don't know their entire life.

I guess

I think people need to maybe have more friends or something like that.

I don't think so.

I don't think so.

I don't think that's true.

I think some people, they should have four friends and they're good forever.

Well, you know what Shakespeare said?

All the world's a stage.

I think a lot of people people don't have four friends is what i'm saying i don't think i'm i don't think we're disagreeing i think we're just kind of like seeing it in a different way like i just think i like too much and every time he comes to my house porno sean it's like every ad would be porno after he left because he wouldn't stop clicking on it yeah i haven't seen porno sean i saw porno sean like four years ago at a clippers game i uh i was walking by and he's like holy shit queber and i was like it's brian we call me brian now i am in my 40s and i have a daughter so do not call me that and then we had a conversation for like two two seconds.

It was really stilted and uncomfortable.

Oh, this is a real guy.

I thought you were making up a guy called Porno Sean.

Yeah, I was confused at what you were doing, Luke.

Yeah, one of my friends growing up was Porno Sean.

You don't know about Porno Sean?

Yeah, he's pretty much, he's the most famous.

Some people say he's actually like a more well-known member of the podcast than me, even.

Interesting.

Very, very famous member.

I've heard a lot of people say, have you heard guys with Brian and Porno Sean?

Porno Sean.

A lot of people do think it's him because my name's not on it.

So they do think sometimes, like, what's the other host's name?

I think it's Chris or Porno Sean.

And they just reach out for the name they hear the most often.

Oh, is it Clippers game?

So this was in Los Angeles.

So I know it's we have a baseball team here.

So anyway, sorry.

Like, I'm really people do keep up with the team.

I think, Chris, I got to tell you, I think you've undersold who the new famous guy is other than porno Sean

because I don't go a day without getting a post from somebody talking about Aaron.

Aaron's the guy now.

He's not the guy.

Aaron is the guy.

It's so funny that Aaron is still sort of like dictating your life in a way.

And you're still, Aaron is the leader of his violence.

Brian's a girl.

Now here's the part where he says that they were jockeying for position and that they were both the leader.

But that ship has long sailed that whole conversation because it's become very clear that Aaron was the leader.

He's the coolest fucking guy in the world.

He went to race car school.

He drove a hot rod.

Going to race car school is not cool at all, dude.

I think

it's cooler than not.

I mean, I guess learning on the streets is the cooler version, but I would say knowing about race cars and driving them at all is cooler than not knowing about race cars at all.

Everybody,

listen, Aaron is

rest in peace to Aaron, by the way.

RIP, Aaron.

R.I.P.

Darren.

Aaron did pass away.

But yeah,

he's...

I love that.

Thank you, everybody, for keeping his spirit alive and reminding Cleaver over here who the leader of his violence gang was.

Jesse, do you know what the fuck they're talking about?

Because I have no fucking idea who the fuck Aaron is.

I mean, the reveal he's dead is crazy the way you were talking about him, too.

I mean, he's rising peace.

People die, Luke.

That's the reason.

He may be dead, but he is alive in a greater sense.

Yep.

The last time, the two deaths.

He's more alive than he was when he was alive.

The two deaths, yeah.

And let me tell you, as long as we're doing guys, he ain't never going to die his second death because we'll be talking about him forever.

He's a never die his

and he literally never will because uh we

there's this one guy on the podcast who just will never let stuff go and so he really will never die

this guy goes uh but the guy goes solid point dropping this sub thank you and then he gets a reply says good make like michael jackson and beat it oh that's clean that's a clean hit yeah that's a that's a body blow yeah and if i'm the judge i'm scoring that that's a hit yeah strike three or oh that's a good dad It's cool to respond with a dad joke.

Like, I do feel like we're really doing

the damn thing.

That's, of course, that's the way that that, you know what I mean?

It's like, that's respectful.

You're in the space.

And like, even if maybe

you're not normally doing that kind of joke, that you're in that space right there.

Even if you just normally like to listen to the jokes, it's nice to come.

Yeah, just that's how I'm going to communicate.

This is our

language.

Yeah.

Well, here comes a good one.

This is this guy.

He goes, good on you.

Always a good thing when people who are easily offended for no reason remove themselves from the situation instead of trying to have others bend to their emotions.

Huh.

Yeah.

Whoa.

Then he replies,

well, I can appreciate why you might jump to that conclusion.

I'm not sure if I'm easily offended or not.

I don't think so.

I deal with ignorant people that have their head up so far up their asses on a regular basis that you don't bother me at all.

I think it's more of a line that I draw as to what dad jokes should be and what might be silly, but I can get crude jokes anywhere.

I'm not the reason we can't have nice things.

It's the people who come in and think it's okay to shit on everything, then make it so we all have to live in their shit.

But he didn't write shit.

He wrote S, star, star, star.

Yeah.

All right.

Can I ask, in your research, did you find one person?

Did you find any example of somebody saying, the only joke on this subreddit is you?

Probably.

This is the only argument I can find.

Generally, they're pretty good-natured people, and they're there for the riff.

Yeah, these are all the most good-natured jokesters.

These are people who are like,

they're generally going to really lazy.

Is that so wrong with everything going on?

And nothing wrong with that.

And they're just being stupid.

They're just being intentionally stupid.

There's a bunch of old guys being intentionally stupid and silly.

Yeah, it doesn't seem like it would be a place for a lot of debate.

This guy goes, nah, OP's right.

Dad jokes are intentionally and definitionally not sexual or adult-themed.

Otherwise, they'd just be called jokes.

Yeah.

If people want dirty dad jokes, then they should create a new sub called r/slash perverted uncle jokes.

I like that.

I actually think that's good.

Shit, that's the best idea I've heard all day.

That's a funny idea.

Perverted uncle jokes.

Perverse uncle jokes.

That's not a subreddit I'd be visiting.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I don't think

it wouldn't do that well if you did perverted uncle jokes.

Well, who knows?

I don't know.

It's already removed.

You already go to it and it says this subreddit has been removed for inappropriate content.

I mean, the basic argument seems to be here.

It's like both of them are, there's sort of this push and pull where they're saying, hey.

Dad jokes should not be dirty and it's like okay fine then create your own dirty dad jokes It's like no we're in the right place already you create the clean dad jokes one because this is the one they're saying no dad jokes are meant to be this you create the dirty one and this is sort of like a different struggle for power a struggle for power I was gonna say similar to to Brian and Aaron, but no, it's not the same as that because there is not in this in this case, there's not a clear.

Is Brian the clean dad jokes or is Brian dirty dad jokes in his rivalry with

dirty?

You're dirty.

I'm dirty.

Base guard driving's kind of fucking dirty.

No, no, no, but Brian was a Brian was a real, you know, a real nasty, nasty guy.

I mean, like, what was Aaron?

Was Aaron like

he was nasty?

No, but was he like, so for example, let's see, was he huffing huffing gas with you?

Yes.

Okay.

Was he involved at the orgies parties?

First of all.

No, don't have to say it again.

I know you left.

You left before you

left before they became orgies.

But like the parties that became orgies.

He was there.

Yeah, he he

so it seems like they were equal.

So he was cooler than you, man.

Okay.

And listen, I don't want, I'm just going off of what.

Here's what I know about Aaron.

He was huffing gas with you.

He knows how to race race cars.

cars, and he actually was brave enough to stay at the orgy party.

So, based on those three things, I'm coming to the conclusion Aaron fucking rocks.

That's all I have to say.

Wow, he's the if you if you heard the whole story, it would be like, okay, it's just so irrefutable.

It's not fun.

Okay, it's not.

This guy goes, I get it, but why call the sub dad jokes thing?

Can a sub be renamed?

And finally, he gets a reply and he goes, Because people don't understand decorum or the difference between a dad joke and an uncle joke.

So, if you lack understanding, I don't understand uncle.

I've never heard an uncle joke.

I've never heard that in my life.

I've been heard.

I've been getting every putting a joke category.

This is a mother joke and this is son and daughter joke.

I like that.

I can understand.

It's like there's like the creepy, the old thing from old comedy, like the creepy uncle or whatever, right?

So I think they're just saying like...

It's a kind of joke that a creepy uncle would say.

Sure.

Those are like dirty jokes, you know, but I've never heard it.

Yeah.

And you're sort of identifying as a creepy uncle if you're into it.

You know what I mean?

Like, if you're saying, oh, I really like perverted uncle jokes, don't cut that out.

But if I really, if you're saying that,

that makes you look immeasurably bad.

Yeah, you say, oh, I like dirty jokes.

Not I like perverted uncle jokes.

You know, perverted uncle is what they're known for.

That's

the thing.

A perverted uncle joke book for Christmas.

Jesse, I really like the idea of cousin jokes.

And my pitch for what a cousin joke is is when your cousin shows you a YouTube video that's like has no views, or or or rather has so many views, but you have no idea what it is, and they say multiple racial slurs in it.

That's a cousin joke to me.

I think a cousin,

they're going crazy, they're laughing like so hard at it, you think that there's like something wrong, maybe with you, like maybe they understand there's some context that you're not getting, and you asked them, so like, what was that afterwards?

And they were like, it's just some danger.

I'm not sure I found

you know when you're at Thanksgiving and your cousin shows you Dane Cook clips from Vicious Circle and you're like, holy shit, this guy's blowing up the square.

Guys, I did find, I went to R slash Uncle Jokes.

Here's the first one.

A vagina can have a pH acidic enough to dissolve an entire men's friend group.

Okay.

Say less, ma.

Mm-mm-mm.

Say less.

In Miami,

my wife came into the room wearing crotchless panties and said, would you like some of this?

And I said, hell no, look what it did to your panties.

Got a lot of acid stuff going

I hate with the pussy drop acid bro this is classic perverted uncle stuff with the pussy drop acid dude come on don't you hate it when you're having sex with a lady and you pull your thing out and it's a turkey bone instead

it all got it all got eaten away by the acid

the acid

uh

and finally what's the cure for sex addition i've tried fucking everything

okay

All right.

That is Joke, guys.

We're going on Luke at DBJ because they have a great show called Stores.

Tell people where to find it.

You can find it at, you know, wherever podcasts are found.

I can hear the zin in your mouth, by the way.

You can, really?

I think I'm usually.

Jesse, take it away.

You can find us on almost any podcast distributor, Stores the Podcast, stores with Luke and DBJ, or you can go to patreon.com forward slash stores the podcast and join, and you can join for free, or you can pay to get our bonus episodes.

But just check us out.

We've got an episode.

Do you put up your ⁇ sorry, you have an episode with Brian.

I don't want to cut that off because that's a good thing to say to the people who are listening.

But

you have all of your regular episodes on Patreon?

Daryl, that's a good question.

That's a good question.

I thought about doing that, Brian.

Then people can just have one feed.

And then they're uncensored, too.

Or you don't get ads, right?

I mean, would be the thing.

We don't have ads.

We don't do ads.

Oh, got you.

We're doing so many.

I mean, we're basically mostly ads at this point.

You're putting most of the timeless thing in.

That's not true.

15, 15 seconds, 15 seconds, 15 seconds.

And they're for nasty things, too.

Don't say that.

All are any other episodes unavailable on YouTube?

You told me before you don't believe in any of the stuff you're advertising, that it's actually like products that you guys are actually very much against.

I think if somebody used any of the products I've advertised, they're basically showing their hand of what a stupid dumbass they are and they deserve to get sick from whatever's in a hint.

Do you really have ads?

Do you really have ads?

Yeah, they have ads.

Yeah, but they're programmatic.

We don't do it.

It's like they're not.

Can we cut this out though?

Well you get

no

a computer decides the ads.

They're not listening.

There's no way.

It's funny.

And also I love the complaints.

Oh, can you not hear me?

Oh, no, I can't hear you.

Yeah, we hear you.

God, my computer is being so weird.

Sorry.

Luke's silent.

What I love about our ads is being auto-generated, and Spotify just chooses them for us, or ACAS does, is we get complaints about what the ads are.

Yeah.

And

I'm like, it's based on who you are.

So the person's saying, like, I keep getting these gross ads for erectile dysfunction, like, my penis doesn't work.

And it's like, I didn't.

I didn't take that.

That's

good stuff.

I'm back.

It's based on other stuff.

Okay, sorry.

I'm back.

I did.

You're right because I'm getting reviews for car dealerships in Asheville, North Carolina, because I was just there.

Well, how does that work?

It's all based on location.

Somebody was saying how Discord like

all my ads are in Spanish.

And he's like, I don't know why.

And it's like, probably just because you live near a big Spanish-speaking population.

Is that on iTunes or on the screen?

It's like

distributor.

Yeah, it's our distributor.

The distributor.

These are a distributor?

What the heck is a distributor?

We got to say it's A-Cast.

It's just like a thing you use, and it just automatically pushes it out to all platforms.

But what's nice is you can mark like a midway point and they'll just put ads in and you just get paid passively from it.

Libson is what we

often

want to hear about.

Brian and I won't do them.

We just refuse.

We love ads.

So if you like ads too, you should check us out.

It's stores the podcast.

We've got a great episode.

You probably already said this because my computer fucked up for a second, but I'm still going to say it again.

We got a a great episode with Brian.

We went to Cole's.

She went to, remember, she went to Jared's.

He went to Cole's stores.

That's right, baby.

We looked at a lot of teachers.

But anyway, I want to say about stores.

It's a great podcast.

I've listened to all of them.

And I also say, I will also say,

hey, comrades in picking a bad name that's hard to search.

Oh, yeah.

The SEO of stores, pretty bad.

Yeah,

basically impossible.

Chris had to name our YouTube guys with Brian Quinby.

You have to use Brian Quinby in the name of it.

You have to tell people to search for guys with Brian with a Y.

You have to say that.

We do the same thing with Jesse because Dead Blossom Jesse is only showing up on our thing.

Even Stores with Luke isn't great.

You know, normal white guy name.

If you search Stores Podcast, you get about 100 things that are just like one episode podcast that a marketing guru did that didn't do any traction about like how to increase your brand.

Or things that are called stories.

Yes.

Which was not exactly.

Not just autocorrected stories.

Yeah, which is not what I expected.

But yeah, Dead Blossom, Jesse, or DBJ pulls it up.

But so does Stores with Luke and DBJ.

You'll be able to find it.

All right.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, find it.

Listen to it.

Goodbye.

Bye.

Bye, everyone.