2025 Ep 289 - Highly Suspect: Andy's White Powder Results

Today,

in 2013,

I did the vulnerability.

Okay,

so 3.

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Cause the Hamish and Andy podcast starts in three,

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One.

Ahoy to me, wall, Hey Mish,

parts of the eye.

No.

Ahoy to me, frog.

Jack.

Ribbert.

Ribet.

Parts of a fairy tale.

Ahoy to me, the soul.

Wall, frog, and soul.

I'll be honest with you.

As you came in, I thought I saw a printout sheet.

Did you try to cheat?

Yes.

I thought you must have because there's no reason you'd ever get high.

I was just going to say parts of the eye.

And I was looking at it from a distance upside down.

It looked like something you printed out of encyclopedia and highlighted.

And I went, I think that's a schematic of the human eye.

So

even though I feel like I do know the eye pretty well, optic nerve, cornea, retina.

When you said wall.

Well, I could have a wall.

Yeah, that's what I was thinking.

I was so confident.

You don't want the wall with your eye.

The aim is to get rid of it.

So I was so confident.

That I'd cheated properly.

Even though he said warp.

I'm still going to cheat it.

Sol, I thought, it'd be the giveaway.

I can't remember the other ones.

I was a frog.

Yeah, Jack was a frog.

That's not in the eye.

We are parts of a horse's hoof.

That does look like an eye from a different angle.

The bottom of an eye.

Yeah, the wall, Ham.

You're the hard outer part of the hoof.

The nail.

Yes, which bears most of the horse's weight.

So thank you for that.

Pleasure.

Jack the frog, V-shaped rubbery structure.

You're absorbing the shock absorber.

You're welcome.

That's at the back of the horse's hoof and I am the sole at the bottom.

Getting stepped on.

Heart and soul.

Yes.

All right.

They're all a horse's hoof.

Ahoy also to Andrew who went to HamishNy.com to let us know what he's been up to.

Very easy to use system there.

Ahoy Hamish Andy and number six.

I think it's time I need to lose touch with the common man.

For a while now one of my cats has been doing a few too many turds and a few too many weeds in my wardrobe.

I've tried everything that a common man can try with no success.

So I think it's time I need to get a special guest to my house and get Chris Hemsworth's Cat Whisperer over to my house.

So if Hemish can pass it on to me, that would be excellent.

Bye for now.

I'll send her details right away.

Did she ever come?

Did she ever come?

I must chase that up.

I think it's funny because, yeah, Jimothy, one of the cats, was

peeing on Zoe's pillow, which is like quite an aggressive stance to make as a human or a cat.

But then he stopped, and we didn't need to get Chris Emsworth's cat whisperer.

But he did do it again recently.

Okay.

But it wasn't on the pillows, on the couch.

Do you think Jimothy heard whispers of you getting the whisperer?

Yeah.

And I thought I'd better straighten up here because I think it's well known in the cat community that once Chris Emsworth's cat whisperer comes in the house, you just completely reprogrammed and, you know, you like severance.

Yeah, that just control your brain.

Yeah, exactly.

Exactly.

So that's still on the cards.

We've got a lot of things going on at the moment in the show, but I I pledge by the end of it

Have a whole day a whole

whereing of Timothy now Andy, I can't pledge that because we've got something more important

I was so close to sending the text and organizing that show we've got something more important

I have in my hand the results from the lab where you sent your mystery white powder that you found in the wall of your home

to get analyzed.

Now, Andy.

Could they tell how old the powder was?

Does that come through?

No.

I mean, you could get it carbon dated, I suppose, but that's not.

You don't often hear the police go, we busted a kilogram of pure heroin, which we date to have been made last June

or, you know, or in the Cretaceous.

No, I suppose you could get it dated, but no.

I mean, it obviously was very old.

It was in a vial that you found in the water.

It looked like a handmade glass.

It wasn't handmade glass and the cork had snapped off inside it and there was a white powder within it and we looked up when cocaine first arrived in australia and that was 1870s and this house was and there was a picture of that bottle in the encyclopedia believed to be in this bottle went missing in the 1880s and and the house that we are redoing is from 1876 yes built and True or false, when you looked into the records of the house with the Historical Society, built all in cash, paid for all in cash and and the occupation of the original owner was simply colorful import export character

no no none of that it was uh everything seemed to be above board and that's why i thought i'd safely bring in the vial of white powder that was called you admit it was it was at your property yes and then in your possession yes

Okay, I just need to get that on the record because joining us on the line, Detective Lachlan Maxwell from the Narcotics Enforcement division of victoria police are you there detective maxwell hello gentlemen or should i say hamish and mr escobar

now now can i just tell you andyl actually detective laughlin and the boys down at the ned are licking their lips waiting to hear waiting to hear the results of what i've got in this envelope laughlin are you a detective of course i'm a detective andy yeah well

what what division hang on hang on who's the one asking the questions around here because i know that I know the training that I've gone through, and that's not what I'm on the line for to answer your question.

I think you should be answering your questions.

A few of my trainers.

I'm pretty sure.

You should be asking a few of mine here today, Andy.

How long have you been importing cocaine for?

Good detective, Maxwell.

All I know is it requires efforts to get an actual detective, and it requires zero effort to get a friend.

You're pointing at lies.

Carly lies at that.

Okay, you guys wouldn't lie to me.

Is it an actual detective?

They're both nodding.

Yeah, but they've got like that kind of Wallace and Grommet look as well.

Oh my gosh.

Andy, I must say that we have been tracking you for quite some time.

They're onto you, mate.

We do have a cell ready for you, Andy.

So I know that

they're a lot of your nature.

They do tend to get quite bored in their later years as a celebrity and start to venture out.

Okay.

He's seen it before.

He's seen it before, Andy.

Okay, I'm opening the uncle.

Is this actually the result?

This is actually the result from OzHealth.

And that's, I thought I'd get a, I thought I'd get someone on the line that can take you immediately into custody

coming on the show and admitting that you've possessed and trafficked a small quantity it's hard to take someone into custody over the phone though yeah well should have got him with handcuffs outside the studio

jack i only had this you haven't even read it yet till you're reading this is it okay

wow um okay

substance analysis report this is from oz health these are this is the lab that did um do the report

Okay.

Heroin.

Six map.

No, I'm not saying that's what's in it.

I'm just saying they test, they have to test for specific things.

Oh, okay.

There's no machine that goes, tell me what's in this.

Okay.

It's a banana.

Thanks, machine.

Now I'm going to give you a tricky one.

It's just a powder.

Heroin.

6 MAM and morphine.

Not detected.

Great.

Methamphetamine.

Not detected.

Great.

MDMA.

Surprised it was that in the 1800s, but not detected.

Fentanyl.

Not detected.

LSD, again, some 80 years before it was invented, I think, but not detected.

Great.

PCP, not detected, but now

we get to the big show.

The big C.

Cocaine.

Are you ready, Detective Maxwell?

I am.

Are your agents in position in the air conditioning fence above Andy?

Oh, yes, they are, Andy.

Tell them to stand down.

Unfortunately, not detected.

No illicit substances or hazardous compounds detective.

Could they tell us what it actually was the powder?

A benign substance.

So like chalk or magnesium or something like that.

Can we demand a redraw?

Oh, my God.

You'll get him another day, Locky.

You'll get him another day.

Either go and catch

correct criminals or head back to your amateur theatre company.

Whatever is more appropriate.

Detective Maxwell, can you arrest someone for

not respecting the police?

Oh, of course.

Of course.

I think you're the only person breaking the law here to impersonating Fox.

Yeah, that's true.

Impersonating an officer.

His real name is Dylan Jenkinson.

Dylan, how are you?

I'm good, Haim.

How are you?

Very good.

He rode in during the week, and I thought, you know what, I just had a quick thought this morning.

We should have got a cop up to take Andy into custody, but they don't want to come on and muck around.

No, no.

So I got you going, bro.

You should have seen your face.

You thought it was a cop.

Do you know who Dylan wrote in this week?

Dylan, tell everyone why you emailed the show.

So I had a bit of a thought process of when these shirts were going around for a certain character that we should not be mentioning.

That just simply wearing a shirt is not enough.

There is time in the day.

I could get seven.

I could get more than seven shirts, but there's time in the day when you've got to change over that shirt.

There is a small amount of accountability that you're missing out on there.

So I thought I'd take it one step further and get it tattooed on my leg.

So that means I am accountable 24-7 and I will never mention this person.

Mate.

So I saw that.

That's crazy.

Jeez.

If we need someone for the show, Dylan.

Dylan.

I think Dylan would be great.

And I thought you pulled it off really well, Dylan.

But Ando.

He smelled a rat.

Yeah, he did smell a rat.

Dylan, it's nothing to do with your performance.

It's all to do with Hamish's ability to actually forward.

Well, because we were trying to get police and they come back and they're like, oh, I don't really want to come on and muck around.

The funny thing is, Andy knew it wasn't a police officer, but then he at least gave you the credit to go, it's an amateur theatre actor.

He wasn't even that.

I'm just saying, we should put this up

on our pipes, but I will never mention Mr.

Ralph.

Look at that, Jack.

You're crazy, Dylan.

What a waste of body space.

It's working.

It's working, Jack.

Thanks, Dylan.

No No one's mentioning him.

Thanks, Dylan.

And bad luck to the boys down at the station that they couldn't get the good finished up.

I had a common phrase said to me by Beck this morning

that I ignored.

Okay.

And I feel that you would both be in this position where you ignore this as well from your partners.

You would have got it from your partners as well.

Didn't you wear that yesterday?

Yeah.

Yeah.

No, I largely get away with that because I do Sally Same clothes quite a lot.

Of course.

So I just, she said, didn't you wear those pants yesterday?

I said, yes.

Pants.

Pants.

Pants.

Exactly.

You're into a t-shirt.

Pants is every day.

Pants is unlimited.

Okay.

So that's why I like.

I'm playing The Sims.

My pants just come with my overtar.

You can't change them.

He's just got jeans on.

That's exactly what I think.

So I'd like to go through every item that people wear.

Yeah.

And I'd like us to establish what is the given amount of days where people have per item.

Pants is unlimited until you get visible mud or dirt on them.

Yep.

So I think.

Yeah.

I was going to say tomato sauce, but if you're lucky, it will

form a veneer and you can scratch it off in one piece.

True.

Like PVC glue.

I've got pants as six to eight days.

Yeah, I know.

Look, I know it's gross, but I still have in my head this idea that jeans just can't get dirty.

I I will wear, I'll wash a Chino,

yep, after a week of wear.

Yep.

Jeans.

Jeans just seem in

penetrable.

Okay, so jeans unlimited.

Is that what I'm writing down?

Something like that.

Player's choice.

Player's choice.

Use your discretion.

Use your discretion.

Yeah, yeah.

Don't be silly.

And then

any other pant, six to eight days.

Okay.

Yeah.

I'm really until visible wear and tear occurs on the pants.

Yeah.

Like, because,

I mean, I'm not going to wear, if I like spill soy sauce on a, on a tan pant, I'm not going to wear, I'm not going to keep wearing it, go, ooh, it's still got six days credit.

Like, I will wash it at that point.

But I also, I mean, don't get me started on when is a tan pant acceptable.

It was trouble foring a tan pant to a fancy dinner the other night.

So I just wanted me in all black and I

wore a tan pant.

Anyway.

Let's go back to the basics.

T-shirts.

One day.

1.5.

It depends.

It depends how active you were the day you wore it.

It's phony.

House t-shirt.

I think that comes into play, doesn't it?

I don't think you can do two full days out in a t-shirt.

But say if you went to the gym in the morning, came home washed, and then you've got a normal shirt on for the rest of the day, that normal shirt could go second name.

Yeah, that t-shirt has had a warm-up, but it doesn't play the full game.

Exactly what I do.

If I've had a shower at like...

kind of from 12 p.m.

onwards and I put on an outfit, that's fine for the next day.

I can go okay, t-shirts are fine for 1.5 days, depending on warm-up situation.

Shirts, for some reason I tend to put my shirts back on the rack and just let them

it's so hard to wash, dry and iron a shirt.

But I will let those go again.

And you're also usually, I'm usually just wearing a shirt for a few hours one night.

Exactly.

And if you if you if we view an eight-hour workday,

four to five wears, you can do a shirt.

I had it down.

Yeah, you're pushing it by the 50s.

I had it down to three.

Yeah.

That's just the difference in our personalities.

Undies?

One.

One.

One plus a night.

Because I do sleep in undies.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You can.

Yep.

So you can either be rare to start in a fresh pair of undies at night.

Yep.

So 30.

And then play through to the day.

I've played through to the day.

If you have a late shower.

Yeah, that's fresh undies at night.

Yep.

So you can do a day and a night.

You pick the order.

Again, 30 hours.

30 hours.

Again, if you've sweated,

this is up to you.

Depends what kind of hygiene system you want to run down there.

I will wear undies throughout the day, get out of them them at night,

have a very thorough shower, and then hop back into the same pair of people.

No, I think once they're off, they're off.

Yeah.

You would argue that once they're off, they're their head out and they're good to go again.

It's even better than once they're off.

But you would wear underpants all day, then get into bed.

I know, but I'm with Jack.

I treat it like the sub-rule in the AFL.

Once they're out,

you can't come back on the field.

Interesting.

I just see it as a way to

save myself the fresh underpant treat for the morning and when i wake up i'll change undies then and we're going about our day with fresh underpants why are you sleeping in undies let's go nude i go i go undies i go undies i think

uh i don't know it's probably one of the things

home intruders

they'd be more scared if you guys running at them nude like tribes

anyway shorts

unlimited Unlimited.

Really?

I had.

Well, again, again, until soiled.

Yeah.

I had.

It's up to you.

you if you can look after them you can have them it's like a puppy it's always you can look after

if you look after these you can keep wearing them i feel like because it's summer generally they get sweatier i had that down as five days

they don't get sweaty they get aired out a lot more so much more airflow than pants so we're saying it's more than pants I am a little bit because generally from my experience, you're out in the sunshine, kills bacteria.

You've got a lot of airflow, gets rid of mold.

I put eight days then.

Yep.

Jumpers.

Again, till soiled.

Jumpers can go the whole of winter if you're careful.

Yeah, I thought unlimited, but till soiled.

Jackets.

Unlimited.

Never.

Never.

Never.

Yeah, that's just a never.

Dry cleaned jackets maybe once or twice because they were in a cupboard that got mold.

That's what it took.

Actual poison on them

just for them to meet some cleaning agents.

Finally, socks.

One.

One.

One and a half.

Yeah, I'm a one and a a half really you go socks the next day yeah because you don't love doing it but if in a pinch you can you know like if if that's the only pair of socks if i'm like oh these are yesterday's socks i'm just going out like if i'm just driving the kids to school oh yeah like don't have any other socks i that's it that's all right i go for if i'm going for a run or something I prefer to use a soiled sock.

Yes, actually, I would do that as well.

Because I'm like, no, I'll do that as well.

It's going to get drinking.

Yeah, it's going to, it's gonna only have a 30-minute life out in the wild so why don't we give up yesterday's sock and then I do and there's a and there's a little bit because I'm always amazed at how dirty a sock is like I put a fresh white sock on I put it in my shoe which has only ever got a clean sock in it and your foot in it yeah and then you go about your day you take it out and then somehow it's dirty there's a part of me this goes how does this happen yeah because you were in what i thought was a pristine environment so i'm the same i'll sometimes see those socks and i'll go so you like to get dirty eh?

I'll show you real dirt.

You're coming home.

You thought you were about to get absolutely thrashed.

Haim, of course, our pods the people show.

If anyone, if you're one of the people and you want to ask us anything, just hit us at haimachani.com.

Harriet did exactly that.

She's a fan of the game Chit Chat Champions.

Yeah.

And her boyfriend,

Nick, is about to turn 30 in a couple of weeks.

What a beautiful gift to give to Nick the chance.

He doesn't know he's about to be.

No, but Harriet joins him now.

Harriet, ahoy to you.

Ahoy, boys.

How are you?

Oh, we are great.

Am I right in saying boyfriend?

Is it husband, boyfriend?

Is it fiancé or something?

Yeah, boyfriend, partner, boyfriend.

Gotcha.

How's your gusto levels today, Harriet?

My gusto levels are good.

I'm hoping Nick's a good.

I think he's had a bit of a rough morning at work.

So I'm hoping that this is going to lighten the mood.

Is he one of these people?

Because I would say of all the things we do on the show, people think that chit-chat champion would be their bread and butter.

Like they think they'd be able to dominate it.

Does he feel that way?

I reckon secretly he does.

He,

yeah, he loves to chat.

I think he'll do really well.

I'm nervous for myself, but I think he'll go fine.

Harriet, does this get you out of getting him an actual birthday present or is this a supplementary gift?

I'm hoping it gets me out of getting him a gift because I've got no clues.

So if you have any ideas, let me know.

Well, can I ask you this then, Harriet?

You're not going to throw it then just so he wins because we want the integrity of the game to

absolutely not.

No way.

I'm going fighting.

I'm fighting today.

Let's give Nick a call now and surprise him with this gift.

And then suddenly he'll be in the arena to play chit chat champions.

Like how bad is his day at work?

I mean,

does he have a high, very important job?

I think he might have had to have fired someone this morning.

So,

right.

The worst kind of chit-chat.

Yeah, not great chit-chat.

Yeah, the chit-chat before you fire someone has to be some of the worst.

Yeah, no, no, yeah,

didn't see the game.

Anyways, the reason I called you in here.

Well, let's give Nick a buzz.

Nick's a builder, it says here in your email.

So

let's see if he picks up.

Hello, Nick speaking.

Nick, Hamish Nandy here with Harriet.

Ahoy to you.

Nick.

Ahoy Nick.

Ahoy.

How are you going?

Yeah, good.

How's your name?

How's your day been?

I've actually had a shocking morning.

So this is

this is coming at a good time.

Okay, good.

Well, not laughing at the shocking morning.

You just heard that.

I hope that went well.

The

30th birthday is coming up.

Yes.

Yep.

Harriet has got you this as a gift.

okay great an opportunity to play chit chat champions on the show against has done okay okay now how do you rate your chat chit chat given what you've just come off this morning uh i feel like i've got to be funny um

she's taking me by surprise uh my chit chat it's uh it should be pretty good no i back myself in against her so i'm glad it's against her okay

and not someone else all you've got to do you know the rules we'll go over them again um just in case you can't ask questions to buy time.

It is simply, as you guys know, you using your skills to detect the right moment to come into a conversation and add something to that conversation.

Yep.

Nick, we'll put you on hold first and give you a time to take this all in because we've just called you out of the blue.

And obviously, most participants get an opportunity to come in

and play.

Very, very rare.

Like, you know,

like it is a sport.

Very rarely do you find out you're playing the sport if you haven't said, I would like to play that sport on that day.

Um, Harriet, you'll be up first.

We'll put Nick on hold.

Let's jump in.

Okay,

Chidney with your best chat,

matter away, chit chat champion.

All right, Ham, shall we enter the Velodrome?

Harriet's ready.

Are you ready to go, Harriet?

Yep, I'm ready.

Okay, good luck.

Hey, Ham.

How are you going?

Yeah, good.

May the 4th coming up, Star Wars Day.

Yes, and

the Star Wars Lego exhibition is opening soon in Melbourne by Brickmare.

Oh.

Hey, surely you should know a lot about that exhibition, considering you've been on Lego Masters.

Have you got any insight for us?

Yes, interesting.

Chickens go on sale this week.

Yes, it's this week yet.

It was fantastic, but she ended with a question.

She ended with a question.

So the jury will have to disregard everything up to that point.

I know.

But it was, it was good.

It was good.

It was actually a smart move to directing it at someone.

We don't get that move very often, do we?

That was good.

I felt like it wasn't a knee-jerk question.

I felt like it added something and then a question, appropriate question on the end.

I agree.

Okay.

Exactly.

I agree.

And not only, not often the gymnast had to go and sit next to the scorers and go, nah, that a bit.

And I agree with that, 10.

Well, that was a bit of a better landing than that.

Harriet, well done.

We'll put you on hold.

Nick, are you there?

I'm here, yes.

Harriet has registered her score.

Okay.

Let's see how good you are at Small Talk.

Good luck, man.

All righty, let's go.

Hey, Ama.

May the 4th is coming up soon.

Star Wars Day.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Next weekend, the Lego Star Wars exhibition opens in Melbourne by Brickman.

Do love my Lego,

my Lego Wars home.

You're a big fan of mine, so I can't wait.

Oh, Nick.

I'm so sorry, Nick.

Left foot, right foot tangled up in the box.

I am a big fan of yours, but is that what you meant to say?

Can we bring this back?

Oh, dear.

Do love Lego Wars ham, which is not a franchise.

Not the show.

The Star Wars

is a popular franchise, and Lego Masks is also a show.

Yes.

You're threw me with the Lego.

And then when you.

Sorry to say.

Well, you sound like I thought you were a big fan.

Then you said, what do you say?

You're a big fan of mine.

You're a big fan of mine.

Also, not untrue, but

Harry.

Yeah.

I'm not sure if this played out how you'd hoped, but the gift you've gotten, Nick, is great embarrassment

for his 30th.

Wonderful.

And notoriety, but Nick, I mean, what we love about that is the attitude of someone, you know, saying, hey, you're on, and just him putting on a jersey and running out there and having a crack.

Oh,

that you have both got a token of no value.

Absolutely.

They're both coming your way.

Nick, happy birthday, buddy, and thanks for writing it, Harry.

Thanks, guys.

Cheers.

Thanks so much, Bay.

Oh, watch your step.

Wow, your attic is so dark.

Dark.

I know, right?

It's the perfect place to stream horror movies.

What movie is that?

I haven't pressed play yet.

ATNT Fiber with Al-Fi covers your whole house.

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Gentlemen, a fun game that we play on the show sometimes is the salacious headline game.

We say something kind of very innocent from our lives, and then we see how we use each other's skills to try and turn that into like a clickbaity headline.

I want to do the reverse of it today because something happened in my life that doesn't look great, but I want you guys to give me

just a very innocent headline.

Oh, yeah.

So, my car, like a lot of, you know, any parent with kid or kids, the back seat is just an absolute bomb scythe.

You know, my kids are under 10, so he's got, we've got squishmallows, we got activity books, we got like random pencils, one Macca's chip, just, you know, marbles.

And because my little girl is seven, just tiny plastic shit, just one piece

of like a doll set or like someone's shoe.

And it's just an absolute junkyard back there.

i cleaned my sister's car out the other day and she the amount of different biscuits i found it's always one tiny teddy couldn't have been one sitting this is this is just not

like the buildup and the thing is you clean it and within you know two days it's back it gets to a drink point where you're like why bother anymore why bother i actually try and clean it out and there's things in there that i'm like well they do like that they do like that oh that's good to have an emergency water bottle in there even though that probably hasn't been emptied in about two weeks like if it's an absolute

if it's a 40 degree

the moisture that remains in that bottle that's been rolling around could be used.

And so a lot of the stuff just kind of stays in there.

And, and often there's like a towel from the beach.

So I'm a bit of a fiend for keeping a towel from the beach just slung over the seat because I kind of like, well, it's mostly dry.

And if we're in an emergency, we'll use that towel.

So it's little bits and pieces of clothes.

Hats is a classic one.

Do you think this quickly?

Because obviously my car doesn't look like that.

No.

But do you think I'll have the resilience if I have kids?

You know what you're saying?

It'd be the ultimate test.

It'll be the ultimate test.

That will test you.

Everywhere, not just the car, the house.

It will really test you.

Because you're building essentially like

a museum, your new house.

It looks like a modern art new museum.

You have a kid.

Imagine just

getting every single piece of plastic that's ever been made and dumping it in there.

That is just what happens.

Yeah, right.

I was more thinking the back of the car.

Like, you know what I'm saying?

I remember watching you one day.

No one can beat kids and i'm like did you find it you're like yep i'm like you didn't i know you didn't find the chip and so

after you left i'm like i better find that that's how my brain works i don't you just there's not enough time in the day to get you'll be crushed you'll be crushed and we will sympathize but we'll laugh at you

anyway so

Over the summer and stuff, like there's, there's, there's often you see it and you're always like, God, I must get around to cleaning the car out.

And one of the things that was like floating around where I'm like, I must remember to take that in was like a pair of ruse undies that was in the back.

So I'm like, oh, somehow she's got changed to the beach or whatever, or like, you know, she's just got changed in the back seat, and that's still floating around.

We get home, like we get home one afternoon.

I'm like, all right, guys, everyone, before we get out of the car, we're actually going to do a clean out.

That includes dad.

I'll do my door, which is sort of the bin of the car, the door pocket.

I'm scooping out like,

you know, yeah, old like chocolate bar wrappers wrappers that have been marinated in a short black for three weeks.

So dad's doing his bit.

I'm scooping out the door.

Just to give you an idea, in Ruse, on her side of the car, there's that little door pocket as well.

We have gravel in our driveway, like peb, like white rocks.

She just has scooped up handfuls of white rocks and put them in that

thing because she likes to have a rock garden in her backseat.

So I was like, can you just like lose the rocks?

And I was like, and also, if you take your undies in, mate, they've been in the car for like a month.

Like, please take your undies in.

Everyone's responsible for their stuff.

Anyway, so she takes, she like gets the rocks out, well, half the rocks, and then goes in, just chucks the undies in the doorway of the laundry, which is kind of as close to finishing the job as we're going to get.

And that's fine.

Anyway, and then Zoe goes.

What undies are these?

I go, oh, they're ruse from Marco.

They've been there for like a month.

And she goes, these are like, these are, these are grown-up undies.

These are like laser cut grown-up underpants i go okay well then i guess they're yours like

i don't know what they're doing in my car but i guess they're your undies goes they're not my undies

um

they've been in my car for a month she's like oh who's are they

i don't know i was like I have nothing here.

No.

And the best I could come up with, and I don't even know why I tried offering the explanation because I should have just left it as like,

well, what are you going to do?

I don't know what they are.

What are the mysteries of the world?

Because I was like,

if this is the classic, what are these undies doing in your car?

I was like, I think if I was going to have an affair, the back seat would be a bold move.

Like, we live in a pretty busy area.

I just feel like

I wouldn't be great at conducting it, but I would choose somewhere a little less public than like the back seat.

Also, just given what you said was already in there.

It's not a romantic area.

I mean, we're in the rock game sound.

The best I could come up with, I go, Oh, and I thought, because sometimes, like, Sonny or one of his mates will get changed in the back seat as well.

Like, if we're going from school to a thing, they'll get changed in that, like, everyone will hop out of the car and they'll just be like quickly changed into like sports shorts or whatever.

So, I was like, well, it could be, maybe it's one of Sonny's friends.

And then he had his bums under his

accidentally

in his bag and they fell out and they were stuck to his shorts or something from the washing and they've fallen out.

That's what I was saying it.

I was like, this is worse than just going,

I just don't know why.

There's a lot of shit in my car.

That's just, that's just a bonus piece of something that didn't go in the back of my car.

So I'm like, it doesn't look great.

But I think even Zoe knows that.

like it's never been bought up again like she's not like she's like what were they doing she's like mate yeah no you're not doing anything in the back of your car.

But in that moment, I was like, this is where you need to reverse salacious headline because other women's underpants found in back of car is not an easy one to spin.

No, that is really difficult.

And, and, and honestly, for a.

Can we make it a gender-based thing?

Hamish doesn't see gender when it comes to like

racing underwear for himself.

Could have easily been a small boy's underpants.

Turns out they were a grown woman's.

Or I was thinking like some kind of criminal's calling card.

You know how

another victim of the laser cut undie bandit.

They didn't take anything this time, but they did still leave their calling card.

That's true, Jack.

I like that because then I'm the victim.

I'm like, honey, I'm being targeted here by a crime gang.

And you're throwing around all kinds of sassy accusations at me.

But I mean, the the idea that there's this signature move for this crime game, you could just go for an entrapment type thing like lady next door tries to entrap Hamish in

scandal.

Oh, yeah.

So someone wants you to think it's an affair.

What were you basing your crime calling card off, though, Jack?

Yeah, wet bandits from

Home Alone.

Home Alone, yeah.

I actually couldn't think of another example.

Is it actually a thing or is it only from Home Alone?

I don't think outside of the world of Home Alone and the McAllister family, I don't think like professional criminals these days like, and remember, leave some extra evidence at the scene of the crime.

It does make it easier to catch you, but it's more fun for the chase.

It's remarkable that we decided to have our own conclave and then obviously over at the Vatican, they went, no, no, no, this is our turf, and they've decided to hold theirs at the exact same time.

Huge sign of flattery, huge sign of flattery.

To,

I mean, it's a great moment for the podcast because I know, like, you know, let's brass tacks.

We're really grateful that the podcast is as big as it is in Australia.

You know, when we first saw this thing, we didn't think it would get the audience it got.

But now to be this big on a global stage and then have the Vatican copy you

is

really,

you know, the lengths they went to as well when you think about the religious things are really huge so um good luck to the vatican with their upcoming conclave but we kind of called it first certainly for this year's conclaves yeah

i'm not saying we've done more conclaves than the vatican no they've got us covered there but and yeah they've been doing it for thousands of years but we certainly had the idea of doing the conclave this year first didn't we jack yeah we did and they wouldn't have planned to do one this year And that's why I've been suspicious if they were.

That's why they scrambled a bit too, because remember the Pope did sadly pass away.

And and then they're like, oh, we don't know when it's going to be the conclave.

We're scrambling.

Scrambling.

We've had ours very clearly mapped out from the get-go.

Quite simply, we decided we needed a chosen one to save special skills.

The segment haven't done one all year.

Haven't done one for ages.

Haven't had a successful one for ages.

So the conclave has been coming together.

It used to be what this show was known best for.

The main segment, wasn't it?

Like five, six years ago, it was the main segment.

Yeah.

So, Jack.

People new to the pod should say a special skill is we were the show where you could write into us, if you've got a skill that's not formally recognized by a body

or a regime or an Olympic committee or something, just come to us.

And it could be, I know exactly what number to put in the microwave for any type of food, for it to come out perfect.

I'll test any piece any supermarket pie.

I'll tell you the brand.

You know, really good.

Nowhere else can we test this stuff.

Like good skills.

Jack.

We...

have come up with the system that next week on the show, we're going to get a bunch of people that have come forward and said, Yes, I'll be the chosen one.

You can't just automatically become a chosen one.

There does have to be some level of like filtering out.

They're going to come to the studio.

We conclave them, put them in a room.

They decide amongst themselves, like the Vatican conclave, all right, who we all think we've got what it takes,

but actually who can get the votes of the other people to really have what it takes.

Are we going to make it unanimous?

I think we have to make it unanimous.

I know the Pope only has to get about like 70% or something.

Still big.

We did look.

But the Pope, I mean, when they do the Pope one, this is only according to the movie, they had like hundreds of cardinals voting.

Yeah, yeah.

I think they had like 100 and I think I read somewhere that they're going to have 150 are like eligible.

It's a little bit like the actor awards, if anyone's familiar with that.

You have to be a member of the actors to vote on the actors.

But they don't conclave that.

You're allowed to do it from home.

Yeah, okay.

But that would mean us flying in.

If we were going to do it that big, we'd have to fly hundreds and hundreds of listeners to Melbourne.

Would you be willing to pay for any of that, Jack?

No.

We've established that.

So here's what we thought.

Speaking of cost and just thinking about how it's going to go, because the conclave's next week,

we were thinking, we said five initially.

We were like, let's get five people to come forward from a bunch.

And then amongst them, they would choose.

the chosen one.

And they will all have their own special skill that the others wouldn't need.

Any of those five could be the chosen one.

Inside the conclave, and everyone together would decide which one could be the chosen one to save this come out perform in front of of us and if they're successful the segment remains segment saved and you're the biggest hero in the world we're just thinking about it like just how it's going to play out next week and some people say this is a cost-cutting measure but just hear us out like five voices five you in there with five other people jack six now six voices audio wise it could be a bit messy long lot of names for people to keep track of to we thought yeah cut it down to three yeah that's cheap cut it down to three

it just is easier to listen to and if there's one thing we're about here it's about smooth audio audio.

So three, now the chosen few will be three that go in.

So, Jack, have you picked...

I have seen over the last few weeks hundreds of special skill entries.

They came roaring back in.

Right, right.

I have picked a top five.

And from there, I've eliminated the weakest two.

And now we have the strongest three of hundreds of submissions.

Okay, so we should, can we hear the, can we, just so we get a taste of what

caliber of special skill are going into the conclave, can we hear, and let's not call them the weakest two, let's call, I mean, because they're the top five percent.

Oh, they're not what, yeah, and that's not what we're only just missing out a podium here.

What are the two skills that missed out?

Okay,

Sam Allen, sadly, you missed out.

He can do the nut bush and the macarina at the same time.

Wow, I'm awful.

Wowie.

Now, if that guy's not the chosen one,

this is big.

Okay, okay, okay, wow.

This is like, if you're familiar with the Matrix movies, like Neo having a friend called Ian who could also do a lot of stuff, but Neo's just a bit better.

Yeah, okay.

And what is the other one that...

Then this one I got rid of because it's something that we actually wouldn't even want to test just because it would be a bit disgusting too.

But Andy Rabbit put his wife up and said she can smell my poo against any other poo.

And he was suggesting we do a line of

line of different people doing poos

and she can spell which ones is.

Yeah,

yeah, it is interesting.

But again, it is disgusting to have to play off.

And I think, as we said minutes ago, our entire colours.

Obviously, our conclaves are different to the Pope's conclaves.

This is another key area where you realize there are a few differences between the two conclaves.

No one's right or wrong.

We just have different conclaves and different results.

But I don't know.

Everyone in the office squatting on a plate and then seeing if she could detect his.

interesting but it's not and I thought two airfares as well because you have to bring Andy and his wife you could bring a little container of poop

she could bring a specimen she could that's true yeah

then she could sniff it on the fire

yes no

yes can I help you see that yes the lady in 28c is sniffing I'm pretty sure it was a jar of her husband's someone's new but it has it is labeled and I can smell it.

We could all smell it.

She says it's for research because something about being a chosen one, but it does stink, it does stink.

I'm sorry, you're on the cheapest available flight.

That's true, but I don't think I should have to smell this lady's husband's poo for the whole flight.

She's out.

Glad it's out.

I think that's important that that's out.

Woo!

All right.

So we've got three better than those three.

Wow.

Let's conclave this.

So next week,

Jack, you'll be left with them.

We won't know which ones.

I've got the smoke machine ready to go.

You might remember I mentioned

last year in the Black Friday, Cyber Friday sales.

Mocked at the time in my household.

But you'll never use it.

This is exactly the right machine.

It's a portable smoke machine.

It has a flexible tube.

Now, people that know the Conclave system.

In the Vatican, they have the chimney.

Black smoke, black smoke, we haven't decided.

White smoke, we have a pope.

This smoke machine doesn't do black smoke, but here's what I want you to do next week, Jack.

Okay.

You're in the Congress.

Say you have a vote and they all just, because they can vote for themselves, say it's just tied at one all and there's an impasse.

You crack open the door, put the tube out,

no smoke.

No smoke.

No smoke.

Okay.

Tube goes back in.

Me and Andy keep waiting because we'll be outside the door like everyone gathered in.

you know, St.

Peter's Square or whatever.

Yeah, waiting for the announcement.

And then when it has been decided, crack the door.

Tube comes out.

White White smoke.

We celebrate.

Hallelujah.

We have a chosen one.

And then we'll see it or do we just discuss?

Well, we don't know because we won't know the skill.

And I suppose from there, we'll want to talk to the person.

Yeah, we'll have to see it.

Maybe it'll be next show, maybe the show after we'll get.

We might have to set something up, but we'll have our chosen one next week.

Next podcast, it's the Conclave.

If our maths is correct, I think the podcast episode is dropping that exactly in the middle of theirs.

At the same time,

which one will be more widely followed?

Watch both.

Double screening?

That's what it's all about these days.

Thanks for listening.

The Hamish and Andy podcast will return next week.

Catch up or contribute at Hamishandandy.com.

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