2024 Ep 265 - Don't Listen To This Podcast at 3x Speed

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One.

Ahoy to me, Tom.

Hamish.

If this is Dick and Harry, you're fine, Mike.

If you guys are dick and I was like,

no, no, no.

Or are we drums?

We might be drums.

I'll allow that if there's a snare.

There's no dick drum.

You're not going to the right clubs, man.

I love these brothers.

Look at what they do on that

floor, Tom.

I am, of course, Harry.

We are, though, the tunnels used in the Great Escape.

Hang on, we are Tom Dick and Harry?

We are Tom Dick and Harry.

Oh, my God.

So, did the tunnels come before just using it as a saying to say, like, every Tom Dick and Harry?

I'll allow this because this is interesting.

No, no, the tunnels, no, Tom Dick and Harry was a saying before they decided to name the tunnels Tom Dick and Harry.

Okay, so that's actually not Mike's.

There's no interesting fact there.

He just knows that their tunnels were called that.

But don't you have to give us the origin of tom dick and harry i should have but um

not you that's mike's job mike took the week off this week this is actually what i'm doing oh no

oh no

mike oh no we're gonna have to go to mediation with mike as he sues us for wrongful dismissal mike's just like gonna walk away with about a hundred pizza lotto hats he's gonna fleece us

And no wonder you weren't jumping on the bandwagon because you she would normally I'd be someone

skewing my turn to the wall just as much fun as it is no this is on a mine at late notice due to the fact that we have

but i do i mean the tunnel stuff was good wasn't it no no very interesting yeah

interesting yeah interesting but i mean no one's going tom dick harry god what's the connection what are the origins of tom dick and harry any of you guys out there i'd love to know andy that's usually the bit that comes down is usually the bit well we'll give we'll let leanne jump in she's used a very easy to use system in a bar simple obar to jump here leanne

um at hamishnandy.com to tell us what she's been up to make sure you go there ahoy hamish andy in number six this is leanne sending you greetings from washington dc where my family and i have very recently moved one of our first jobs once we moved here was to purchase a motor vehicle You wouldn't believe it, but we have managed to snap up a Tiguan.

I know, it must be very nice.

Anyway, we're only here for a year, so I'd better start uploading this now so it's finished before we head home.

Cheerio, chaps.

Well, well done.

Jeez, man, how's that?

Yeah, another country and the world's rarest car.

World's rarest car.

Just under the Batmobile.

Have you guys found the origin of Tom Diggin?

Now he's eating an apple.

Mike's eating an apple.

Anyway,

well and truly knows that he is

really

enjoying his time in the sun as not a scapegoat.

When you guys both like, who did this mike mike did this to me he pointed aggressively and then shook his fist in triumph

it wasn't like he couldn't believe he was so happy

that's why it takes me 24 hours

exactly it's all the checks

all the checks and balances andy anyway i'm sorry you know what i let you guys down to be honest because we've accidentally vindicated like mike's job that's been the most terrible thing about it yeah hey speaking of um speaking of other areas where you are more proficient than researching three correlated things, Logi's this weekend.

How little golden goose over there, Jack.

He's going for the big one.

Congratulations for the big one.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I mean, if people haven't voted, definitely time still to get your vote in for the goose.

But tell you someone whose vote you might not get, Ando.

You've got mine.

You've got mine.

You've got mine.

That's how you actually...

You haven't voted, Jack.

No, but you had got mine by the time.

When's the lockout?

They make it later and later each year now because they want people to sort of stay engaged.

But I'm not saying people have lost in years.

As the years go on, more and more things compete for the attention of the public.

So to try and keep people engaged, I think the voting's open right until the envelope is almost open.

There you go.

I'll vote on the date.

You won't, though.

I'll take it.

Oh, I will.

Now I will.

Anyway.

Is this his big ask?

Who asks?

I want to vote.

I don't want to waste it on this.

Got into a car the other night and I got into an Uber

and wasn't a long trip.

This conversation almost occupied the entire trip.

Get in the car.

That guy looks back at me and goes,

reckon you'll get the gold again, mate?

And I go, oh.

I said, the Logie?

He goes, yeah,

coming up soon, isn't it?

You reckon you get it again?

I said, oh, I don't know.

I don't know about this year, mate.

You know, obviously not being nominated.

but i mean similar to biden and if i'm not going well great in my campaign we might get people tapping me on the shoulder saying just let habish have it go

again big donors are pulled out give it to jack we want fresh blood so i have you made a tv appearance in the last year jack could you don't think i have in any way i honestly hasn't stopped some people in the past

i don't know why we're getting too worried about the legalities i was in three seconds of true story baby five years ago yeah that hasn't been on this yet i so i give the guy yeah mate i don't think i will i don't love my chances and he goes well you've got to have a crack though don't you yeah so look that's that's that's the spirit isn't it i said even even though with full effort this year

i just think it'll elude me i've got a feeling how was he hoping how was he hoping you'd have a crack Well, I don't know.

I think he just wanted to talk about right.

So he goes, love the Logies, mate.

Oh, yeah.

I was like, well, you're not really, because you're not really across who's other one i was like oh yeah great um and i go well who'd you vote for he goes i voted for you

and i went ah that's very nice and he goes no look i'll be honest i haven't i haven't voted yet i said well that's okay too you know a lot of people you know a good friend of mine's not going to vote till sunday

He goes, nah, he goes, my wife has voted for it.

My wife has voted, though.

Okay, she goes, she loves it.

Okay, that's, that's great.

he goes not for you though who did he who did he's i go who i go who did she vote for then i go let's see he either thinks i'm you or he just is i go well i go well i voted for andy for gold so does she vote for him he goes nah larry emda

i said okay well that's you know that's a valid vote that's good larry's a good guy he goes mate he's a great guy yeah well as i said i voted for andy and he goes no mate i've had larry in my car he's unbelievable okay

well mate i'm telling you i voted so my vote's locked up.

I can't campaign for Larry because, yeah, he's amazing.

And then I, well, then I go,

okay, well, you know, yeah, I have, hopefully it's a close race then in Andy and Larry.

And he goes, mate.

And he goes, he just bangs the wheel and he goes, just, I just hope they don't do what they always bloody do.

And I was like, well, this is actually good for you.

I don't really.

I don't actually think I've talked to that many people that watch the Logies like this religiously, like quite a lot of people.

Again,

acknowledging the the um gravitas of tv's night of night yes it's not uncommon um because we're in the industry we know it's on it's not uncommon for people to go is oh they still going yeah

i think that's fair that's definitely oh right do they still do i thought they finished it with burke no no no

they're still on so he goes

they've just got to not do what they always do i thought oh okay this could be good information actually maybe to give to sam pang or something to be like okay there's some feedback in the community here

chance you know because Pang does such a good job hosting

a good chance to give feed pass this on to him he goes

stop giving the gold to the same purse the bloody person every time

the lady off um

might have bed homes and gardens Joanna Griggs because they bloody give it to her every year

He hasn't watched.

Do you have the bloody Griggs?

fan as you think you were for a little bit.

Jonah Griggs, I don't think, has ever been nominated for gold.

Has she like,

not to my knowledge.

I don't think Jonah Griggs has been on television.

Well, so I'm like a prominent spot.

How's this, though?

I'm having a giggle to myself going, this is hilarious.

I don't think this guy's watch TV since 2007.

Yes.

And I was like, can't wait to tell Andy this.

This is only a few nights ago.

Get out of the car.

And I immediately start giggling Jonah Griggs better at Homes and Gardens.

It's still on.

What?

She's still the host.

Tell us something we haven't thought of for a while.

Now, I know it's not our demo.

So I'm not, if you're someone that loves Better Homes and Gardens, fair play to you.

That's great.

Big fan of Jonah.

She does a great job.

I don't think she deserves the anger from this man for getting the gold like every year because she hasn't.

She hasn't, yes.

But mate, Better Homes and Gardens, she's been the host since 2004.

And according to Wikipedia,

she is still the host.

20 years.

So suddenly I'm going, she should bloody win gold.

Yeah, she should have one.

Give her yours.

If I win, give it to her.

I'll get her up.

You've promised.

You've promised now.

Well, you can only get her up if she's actually there.

Will she be at the event?

Yeah, she probably wouldn't be.

She's got a lot of people.

Well, I've just went up.

I've googled on her Wikipedia page.

If you Google, if you look for the word Logies, it doesn't come up.

Maybe someone hasn't filled out her Wikipedia properly.

Right.

Or she's not been nominated.

No, I'm pretty sure she hasn't won a goal.

Certainly not every year, as has upset my driver.

So, you know, it's going to look either way, it's going to reflect well on me because I said, mate, I'll absolutely look into that for you.

I'm going to, yep, I'll make sure that doesn't happen.

And so when, you know, you know, if you get up and get the gold ando, you're going to have a great night.

I'll look like a hero because it looks like I've left the car and gone,

guys, cancel everything.

They're on to us.

Please apologize for joking, but she can't have another one.

It's going to look like I'm a hero.

I've just looked up the betting because I haven't.

I'm 8.50, so I'm down the pack.

Oh, you can win from there.

It used to be that on sports bet, it was like whoever was shortest odds, they knew something.

Last year, using that theory, I placed some,

I had some interest in the event, and it didn't go according to the favourites.

Where's Larry on the $1.60?

Really?

Yeah.

So Joe Griggs, still a big ruffy.

Joe Griggs,

a huge ruffy.

She's 101.

Should we put a little, I mean, not condoning gambling at all, but should we put a little bit of the show money?

And last time we did this, we bought a Greyhound.

Is there,

I think, I think it would show

I was going to say on Andy, because

62% in one night is a good return.

Is there something that we want to be purchasing at all?

I've already got the robot shoes.

What do you guys want?

Aim,

Jack and I are worried about you.

No need, boys.

Whatever it was, I'm sure it was a wrinkle.

Just a glitch.

Just a glitch.

And I can assure you, I know what you're going to say.

I've had a bit of a think about it.

I agree.

And we're going to move on.

Here's the thing.

Obviously, last week, the impulse purchase of the Moonwalkers, the robotic boots was discussed and you talk openly about how your impulse buying well it's an addiction and it's hard for you to I'm well unfortunately in this modern age of direct marketing I'm vulnerable I'm more like a

more like a species that didn't need to evolve with a certain armor like the dodo yeah the dodo was fine until suddenly mankind came along and then they went this thing is an absolute cinch to catch.

Look at this.

You can run up behind it, just kick it in the head, and you can eat it.

This is a piece of cake.

Didn't need to fly away from any predators.

And I, unfortunately, am an animal like that.

I'm very susceptible to marketing.

And they can just get my soft underbelly.

And

they can target me.

So it's more of a shame on you to the advertisers.

Well, similar to when you see cigarette packs and they've got exactly what's happening to you inside of your body if you do that.

We had an email from a fellow called Angus.

And I thought, gee, this could help him.

He says, boys, just been listening to Hamish's Impulse Buy Woes.

I've worked in the field of digital marketing for years for some of the biggest e-comm stores in the country.

If you want to get inside the mind of those targeting the vulnerable people out there,

I know how to do it.

I know what's happening to Hamish.

Give me a call.

My God, this could actually help because I am getting mercilessly pounded by ads at the moment.

Joining us from something.

Okay, yep.

Joining us from the UK.

Great.

It's Angus.

Angus, ahoy to you.

Ahoy Angus.

Ahoy gentlemen.

Number six, how are we?

Ahoy.

Angus, so do you work at a marketing company or you just so you're not there anymore?

What's your connection?

Yeah, yeah, so I've been working out of a number of agencies sort of over the last decade and doing some freelancing stuff as well.

So always keeping up to date.

I mean, it changes the field a lot.

So always keeping up to date with the newest tactics and privacy laws that are coming out as well.

I'd like to ask a few questions from the get-go, just because I find this very interesting to have someone from the other side of an industry that's poked and prodded and fleeced me for so long.

So, and congratulations to you, sir.

I think in any

sporting bout, you actually have to bow down and go, that was, you know, well, you outplayed me on the day, days, many, multiple.

And I lost, you know, a loss to someone that knew the game better.

But I'm someone that

very regularly will fall for the marketing on Instagram ads and end up buying the thing.

I reckon I'd easily be in the top 1% of customers, like in terms of frequency of clicking and completing a purchase.

Is there a name for me in the industry?

Like, what am I known as?

Probably just a bit of a sucker, I think, really.

Oh, yeah, I got familiar with that too.

Yeah, because I would assume people like me pay for like 90% of the spend.

You know, like I'm, I make up, I would make up a huge proportion.

They're are all the people that can resist it.

And then I'm funding the whole operation.

Yeah, yeah, it's probably, it's just a small handful of people like you that, yeah, we're putting our kids through college, essentially, making up the real top percent.

So

if we were going to run a hypothetical where I thought this could be a nice way to step it through, Haim, would you describe if you like a recent example of where you've picked up your phone, you might be on Instagram, and the ad comes up, describe us the ad, whatever.

And I want to pause and I want Angus to tell us exactly what's happening from their side of things during these moments.

I've actually got two examples that come to mind immediately.

I can either pick one where I can already feel in my heart, even though I know I will stop using this product,

I can feel myself like creeping towards the edge of the waterfall.

Like I just know I'm going to go over it.

This is a great example.

But I also have another one where I'm like, oh, nearly.

Like I nearly, i nearly fell into the river but i think i've got enough hold on the bank to maybe get out of the river now so do you want the sillier product or the one that i'm almost certainly going to buy let's go with the one almost certainly going to buy and see i mean just quickly i'd like to hear the product you didn't buy because that's got to be a sticker right yeah it's it's an ad where it's like you know make incredible gifts for your friends.

It's a handheld engraver and you can engrave the back of like pebbles and rocks and things with patterns.

And it's like, to their credit, the artists they have using the engraver, very good.

And like would start like decorating the handles of knives and things.

And there's like a flat rock, like any old rock you'd find for free.

So you're already saving money there, free in the bed of a river, but you've engraved the back of it.

And I was like, oh, imagine sitting down with the kids and doing this so I could engrave.

And that's when I had a moment of going, but hang on,

you couldn't draw that pattern on paper with a pen.

What makes you think you could engrave it to such a lovely standard?

And that's when I just like reality kind of like, you know, a bolt of reality shot through the fog and saved me.

And I don't think I'm going to buy the handheld engraver.

Well, let's go the hypothetical then, Herm.

Let's go the case study.

Here's the one I'm getting hammered with.

It's a golf training aid.

Yes.

It's a rubber, well, it seems like a very stiff rubber club called the lag shot.

And it like meant to teach you, like it's quite, quite yeah it's meant to teach you the rhythm of the backswing into the forward swing so it's like teaches you how to kind of snap it i guess like a bit of a whip or whatever yeah when you're hitting

iron shots yeah do you did you like it

no so why not that's not the point but he probably doesn't get too good a golfer but would it be good for me this is not a personal i'll talk about it i'll talk about it after but this is what doesn't sound like i shouldn't buy it

what

i want to hear now angus okay amish has seen that come up what's happening okay so here's the ad here's the ad do you want to to reenact the ad yeah it's like this this pro golfer looking at camera is like hey raise your hand if you're really happy with the way you're hitting your iron shots

right and like you know click off this ad if you're really happy with where you're hitting your iron shots he waits for a bit he's like okay now we got rid of all the kids all the people that got lessons as kids and i can teach you how to never hit a bad iron shot again like oh please yes yes please you're talking to me thank you for taking the time out of your day to help me with my number one golfing problem all right and so then you're in then he's like this is the number one rated and there's a lot of repeat number one number one rated this is the top selling pause angus how has this fallen into hamish's lap so there are a couple of things at play essentially if it's your first interaction with this company or this product then you're most likely going to come across a video because they're the easiest to retarget off of so every behavior you have whether it's watching the ad clicking the ad going to the website is all being tracked how long you spend on it but Essentially with the video, if you watch, typically it's about 25% of the way through, which can be about three to five seconds you're immediately flagged as a high intent to buy user so you've immediately earmarked there as in the retargeting list so essentially now you're going to continue to see those ads as soon as you've shown enough engagement in that first video piece that's why they're coming at me yeah

he says if he waits a couple of seconds and makes you keep watching because it's just boosting that engagement time so

no no no he waited a couple of seconds for the for the people to click off that weren't interested

It was a service out of the good of his heart.

We know then Haim's already getting fed more of these because he watches longer.

I must have watched it once and had some willpower.

So this is the problem.

And I think this goes to the deep, dark heart of online marketing.

You watch the ad and you go, you know what?

No.

I'm not going to click from where info.

I'm not going to buy.

I've won.

I've beat the system.

But you haven't because they know you've watched the ad.

They got a foot in the door.

No, that's just, yeah, it's just the beginning, unfortunately.

So once they've got you there, essentially what you'll move through is to the second impression stage where they've got completely new ads, new messaging.

And this is kind of more like your testimonials.

So it's those that are

people like you that are speaking about the changes that you've seen.

Yeah.

Funnily enough, this ad that I've seen, that is the testimonial one because I think the initial one just explains the rubber golf club.

And now this is the guy going, this is the guy like, hey, heart to heart, down the barrel of the camera.

I'm going to help you out.

yeah what's the next phase what is having to experience next the next phase will be eventually called the conversion phase and that's where you'll probably get some kind of promotions either it's 30 40 percent off

sale ending soon if you're hard to push probably gonna be a static ad or maybe a bit of a carousel as well that you can slide and engage with

but the thing is these these these cycles last usually between 90 to 180 days that between the three to six months period that if you can wait it out then you'll probably exit that phase you've got a half

of resisting this i reckon that's what it comes down to because all these things are usually about 40 bucks yeah right yeah i know there's some part of me that ends up paying forty dollars to be released from the torment there's a part of me that's just like i i'm i can't keep thinking about this thing yeah

i also still want it on some level like there's still part of me that's obviously it's not like i'm gonna buy it and throw it away even though i know eventually i will get sick of it.

So there's,

yeah, they know that that's the number that we can't resist for that long.

Okay, I guess final bit then.

If HAIM decides to buy it, what happens then?

So if they've set it up, well, if it's for a one-off product, like this is a big purchase, like a car, for example, it's a much more considered purchase.

you should then be added to the exclusion list so they're not going to waste any more ads um it's like serving more ads to you to pay for it

but if they're smaller purchases where they could find maybe like site alternatives or additions to it

or different versions of it, they'll probably keep you on it and start serving you different products.

But they'll also, you're also going to be serving it to your friends now as well because they'll build look-alike lists off of you.

So they'll upload your data.

They'll then find, so they'll put in your email address, your phone number, that company.

They'll put in your data and they'll find other people similar to you that are also prone to buying with similar buying behaviours.

Good one, Aim.

Oh, mate, sorry.

I'm fighting my own fight over over here.

It's hard enough.

I can't defend you as well.

That's the thing.

You know, in your heart, this is like that thing that you hear about, like, you know, day one in prison, where they're like, mate, give us, you know, give us all your money.

Like, if you give in,

they're not going to go, okay, thanks.

We'll leave you alone now.

Yeah, yeah.

This is it.

They're going to pump you for more.

You're an easy target.

So, Angus, just quickly, for say if we had a company that the guy in charge of distribution accidentally bought 16,000 more books than he was meant to and you had to move them from the warehouse what kind of marketing strategy would you think would be right for a hypothetical company like that

so yeah you'd probably just upload the current list that you've got that have all made their purchase so far good lookalike off them sort of moved anywhere between one to ten percent um and then it goes out and finds them you'd move them through awareness considerations conversion phase those like a three-month rollout if you're selling one of these 16 hypothetical books at this, you know, rando company that we've made up, would it drive more sales if one of those purchases could also win a pair of robotic shoes that made them walk as fast as a run?

Yeah, look, if you can create engaging enough content, you can certainly do some giveaways and some prizes as well.

Interesting.

Yeah, exactly.

Angus.

I hope that helps you, Ham.

Angus.

Maybe it actually does because you just know that you're fighting an unbeatable empire on the other side of that thing.

Yeah.

And there's this part of marketing you wouldn't even be aware of, Ham, where we know when you drive past billboards, for example, because your phone's giving off signals to satellite every 15 seconds.

So we know what direction you're going in across bus stops, tram routes, billboards, and that links into your digital marketing strategy too.

So

there's a lot more required that you,

it's not entirely your fault, Ham, this is what I'm getting at.

I feel like, is there a way that I could just meet down with, sit down with the entire ad industry and we come to a lump sum agreement?

You fly your way out now.

And I just, I don't even get a product in return.

I just, we come to a figure and you're happy and I'll never get marketed to again and I could just

go and enjoy things like nature and stillness.

Love to look into that.

Thanks, Agus.

Really appreciate it, buddy.

Thanks, Agus.

No, no, thanks, boys.

See ya.

And just quickly, though, with the lag shot with that golf club,

so you do think it could be useful.

Shop ad.

Confession to buy imminent.

Hey, and they keep trickling in.

This is extreme empaths, people that are so empathetic, not just to other humans.

We know that's a fantastic trait, but when it extends to being empathetic for objects, that feels like a big burden in your life that you can go through.

And hopefully we can get it out on this show if you send them in.

Just to to let you know you're not alone as an empath because we can tell that you feel things very deeply that can often be a superpower but as you say ando perhaps perhaps there is a line or it's too far this one came from nina she said when she was during pregnancy it certainly extreme empathy came out with her for objects so i can understand that being the case emotional highs and lows She says, when I was pregnant, I was at a nice restaurant and I noticed everyone was using the salt, but not using the pepper as much.

Oh, no, I wanted my baby's the pepper.

I immediately started crying.

When my husband asked what was wrong, I said I felt like it's bullying to invite the pepper to dinner and then just ignore it the entire time.

Good.

We got a lot about

Robo vacuums, like Roombas and stuff, which I suppose it makes sense because it's sort of one of those things in life that has a bit of a personality.

And a lot of people name them and stuff when they've got them.

Like there's a lot of, a a lot of, a couple that came in where people were talking about like they don't like to overwork it, like where they just like, come on, like let it have the weekend off kind of thing.

There's that.

And then one person in the relationship maybe feels stronger that they need to like rest more than charging their batteries, but more just get some time to themselves.

This is from Jacob though.

This is one step above that, I reckon.

He goes, my mum has got a robotic vacuum cleaner that goes around the house on its own.

Mum feels bad for it, that it has to do all its work by itself.

So she follows it around and turns the lights on for it.

It goes

into new rooms so it doesn't get lonely and scared.

So I think it is like, sure, clean the house, but doing it in a dark room,

no one should have to work through that.

I love that.

This is from Ava.

Her dad loves guitars and has about seven.

He alternates between each guitar to avoid jealousy issues, which I like the idea of, he says, she says, he keeps two guitars in the separate rooms, and there's one in the study, and there's two in the shed, but he'll constantly go out and rotate them again to avoid jealousy issues with the guitars.

So good.

Why spend the time?

They'll be okay.

But you, Jack, you'd have more than one guitar.

I do, and I, uh, the Yamaha, which I love, but it's hanging up now as as more of a show piece, so I don't play it as often as the acoustic guitar.

Where's it hanging?

It's hanging in my office as a reminder to just sometimes slow down

and appreciate the good things in life.

Don't always be in such a rush.

Is it in shot when you're on a Zoom?

It is in shot in the background when I'm on Zoom.

I don't remember being purposeful about that.

What a great answer to the Senate subcommittee.

i don't remember being purposeful about that were you having to get sent free guitars i can't really remember being purposeful about that

uh this is from samaria

she writes i've always felt sorry for flies that get stuck in the car and then you let them out and they're completely lost millions

millions of fly kilometers away from their home and friends and family that's fair that's fair i often wonder about this i don't do this as being an extreme empath, but when I go to take the rubbish out and you lift up the bin, like I lift up the green bin lid, flies will fly out, right?

Like sometimes like, you know, several flies will fly out.

And I'll be like, do they want to be in the bin or do they want to be flying around?

Like, did that, was that a fly making a huge mistake leaving the bin?

Or have I released one that thought it was going to die in?

Because they're essentially trapped, but they love what's in there.

They're trapped in paradise.

Yeah.

Trapped in Willy Wonka's chocolate factory.

Yeah, but it must have a bit of fresh air.

They don't want fresh fire.

They're flies.

They eat shit.

they don't want fresh air

true they may have hatched in there so they might not know any different in which case it would be a severe downgrade yeah they'll leave that that's like that utopia yeah that's like kids like growing up you know oh silver spoon everything done for you live in a bin never have to worry

never have to worry about life get out

yeah birds spiders real shit that's true it's true um

final one

This is from Kat.

As a kid, I used to park my bike at school next to the one that was the same model so we could hang out together and find things in common while I did the school.

I'm not hanging out with a tricycle.

Hey, there's a worrying trend happening amongst podcast listeners worldwide.

And

I mean, I had a young chap come to me just recently saying that he's discovered the podcast he's loving it he's gone back to the start which I preferred to see you up to date but he's listening at two times speed to try and catch up

now we

we can't endorse people listening at two times speed it's just it's far that's quick that's quick I go one and a half I go one and a half on fact-based podcasts because you don't need timing

or to learn about science stuff or whatever.

But some of our topics shouldn't be rushed.

Our chocolate updates.

You need to savor those.

You need to take those easy.

Slow down if anything.

Exactly.

Rewind.

Then I was shocked.

I listened at two times the speed, but I listened to every episode twice because I just love what you guys do.

Then I was shocked to receive this email from Jono.

He says,

I listen to podcasts on Spotify at three and a half times speed, which is just.

That's warp speed.

Stupid, to be honest.

It's stupid.

It's warp speed because on Apple,

I usually listen on Apple.

It only goes up to two.

They don't often go.

It's not going fast enough because that's silly.

It's like autobahn speed.

It's actually not safe for people to listen that fast.

So unless Jono can prove that he can take it in at three and a half times the speed, I can't grant him a license to do so.

And that's why he...

Oh, we've got him.

He joins us now.

Okay.

Jono, ahoy to you.

Ahoy, boys.

Ahoy to the weasel and the weasel bubbler.

This must be so strange to you, Jono, hearing our voices in real time at one to one ratio speed.

I'm really having to slow down my brain to take it in.

Oh, you're slowing down your CPU.

Fast processor.

Well, we wanted to test you at three and a half times speed to see whether you can, in fact, comprehend things just across the board.

And for anyone else thinking, of listening to us at three and a half time.

If people are currently right now listening to us at two time speed, we've got this quick message for you.

Stop what you're doing.

Go to normal speed, idiots.

That should have come across perfectly for them.

That's so many nights where I've heard you saying stuff like that, but usually it's, I love you, man.

So, Jono.

Hamish and I had a chat about something earlier today.

We're about to play it back for you at three and a half times because I actually don't think three and a half times is possible.

I know this this actually this is this is ringing a weird bell for me because

like whenever my wife and I have to read something on the same page, she finishes so fast and then I go, well, you're actually not reading it.

You can't be reading it because you and we haven't read together for years because it becomes a and it's too damaging for my ego.

And she she speeds through it and then I go, right, we're doing a test and she passed.

That was really deflating because I was like, wow, you really are a super super fast reader.

And you can make, you can imagine how I feel because I feel the same when I read something with Hamish and I think he's super fast.

I would not want to be anywhere near Zoe.

Blistering.

So I know this feeling where you're like, oh, okay, well, we're going to do a test.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Yeah, but you could pass this test, Jono.

You could pass.

Jono, here is the little bit of a chat that Hamish and I had earlier today at three and a half times speed.

If you can tell us what we're talking about, the gist.

We will give you a license to listen to our show faster than just the one-to-one.

Good luck, my friend.

Okay.

Who did the funny like pity go with

much deep points?

Lay out on us, man.

I have to admit, I have no idea what you guys were talking about there.

It might be the audio, hearing it.

Yeah, I think it's too fast.

I think the speed of the audio was the issue there.

If you could slow it down some 350%,

I would have a better job.

Okay, that was a minute chat at three and a half times speed.

I'll just half the chat so we don't have to sit for longer.

But this is again,

the concept and the topic is the same.

Let's wind wind it back to three times speed.

Johnny, are you happy to take that on board?

Yeah, yeah, let's do that.

Yep.

Good luck.

What do you think?

I thought they were very excited.

I picked up something about yoga and then there was something about the mark.

There was a mark.

Okay.

So something to do with not standing on the right mark at yoga.

Yeah, that's what I got.

Going to yoga with Mark.

Yeah.

Many and many avenues for possible stories there.

And I do have another speed.

Yes, let's go back because you're wrong.

Let's go back

to two and a half times, okay?

Good luck here, Jono.

Hey, Monte, there's a poll you make with regards to yoga a few weeks back.

With three speeches, and what did you say?

Well, weren't we the Marks Brothers?

And then we said with the three speakers,

which at that point was not correct,

so as a group, as a group, we all agreed that three speeches are the Marxists and three Stooges.

I thought they were the same thing.

They definitely put their viewers.

Okay, I got it perfectly that time.

That was all about confusing the three Stooges and the Marx brothers and that they're not the same thing.

And you apologize.

It was sun.

It was.

All right.

So we've found, that's still impressive processing power at two and a half speed.

Do you think, though, the warm-up of the three and a half, then the three down to two and a half helped you?

Or do you reckon if you'd had that clean out of the gate, that'd be fine, jono look if

i listen to my audiobooks on three and a half times when i'm listening the second time and by then i pick everything up really clearly so it could have been helpful having a couple of times why well that's why you do an audio book twice why are you reading a book twice because you didn't quite get it the first time not enough audiobooks in the world

non-fiction books

like where i really want to learn something i like to listen multiple times good on you jono because i'm i love a good non-fiction book they're always doggied eared, underlined.

I have a bedside table full of underlined like non-fiction books.

I don't know when this magical time is I'm going back to then jot it all down.

I've never, ever gone back through a book, but every time I read a book, it's fully with the intent to do what you do.

So good on you for going over it.

Because I think, Ando.

We could sort of hear because we knew what it was.

Like we weren't, it does help knowing what the content is a bit.

Well, for people who may not have picked up on it, let's just go back to one to one this is normal speed let's play that and we did want to say we actually felt it was a quite a useful tool to if you ever do need to make a retraction or an apology it is quite useful to play it at three and a half times the speed because you have still played it on your show that's true and if anyone was ever to transcribe the show to be like did they talk about it you have

we're going to use this in the future this is the last time we'll ever do a retraction at one to one speed hey i understand there's an apology to make with regards to the opener from a few weeks back where we were the three Stooges.

And what did you say?

Well, weren't we the Marx brothers?

And then we said we were the three Stooges?

We were the three.

These three Stooges.

And you said we were the Marx.

I said, oh, the Marx brothers, which at that point was not corrected by anyone in the team, but therefore making it a group assumption.

So as a group, as a group,

we all agreed that the Three Stooges were the Marx Brothers.

The Marx Brothers were the three Stooges.

I thought they were the same thing.

Are they definitely different things?

They're very much.

It is now Jack, the the leader of this idea.

Who did the funny, like, hit each other with a

bit of stick?

Stooges, the Marx brothers, rightly so, pointed out to us that involve much deeper, more intellectual examples of wit and wordplay.

Whereas, yeah, the Stooges were mostly just taking a ladder that was too long into an apartment and then getting distracted to their left and to their right, and either ducking the ladder or getting hit by the ladder,

thus disproving Jack's hypothesis.

There you go, Jono.

And mate, well done.

You can compute them.

But Haim, you are right.

From now on on this show, all retractions and apologies will be played at three and a half times speed.

Can't wait.

Jack, I don't think you're at this stage yet with Gordo, your little man.

How old's Gordon?

He's almost two and a half.

Okay.

He's two and a half.

Is he going to do a daycare or a like a kindergarten he's doing three days a week at daycare yeah he just got his first report card actually how do you go hey yeah how are we talking he's been uh playing with the magnetic blocks showing um some good promise there he's been playing in the champion and they don't they wouldn't write that they don't they say stuff they they say like they wouldn't write good promise when it comes to

magnetic blocks if the future pans out in such a way that buildings and magnets in and that's all you have to do is stick them together he will be a great builder they do

magnetic blocks were referenced in

a positive way.

But not with like, yeah, a qualitative thing on it.

Like they're not because.

Like he did a good job with the magnetic block.

But that leads you to believe that other kids are getting report cards going could pick it up a little bit on the magnetic blocks.

We've got other children in the class that is much better at the magnetic blocks.

Maybe you could get a tutor from on the weekends.

You can just, you know, even just walking around with one block in his hand to build a bit of familiarity with it.

Yeah, yeah.

And how much regular block work are you doing at home?

It really does start in the house.

Well, we can't just do it all at school.

You have to carry on block work at home.

We'll put it on you, Gordo.

Great to see you're kicking goals.

There's a thing that schools do.

It usually kind of kicks off in, well, Kinder or Prep, if like same, you know, the year before year one in Victoria, it's prep confused me a lot when we moved to Sydney, and that's called Kinder, even though that's the thing, you know, that's a different thing in Melbourne.

Is Kinder prep?

In New South Wales, Kinder's prep

kinder so it's in the school in the school we're doing the year the the thing before year one okay yeah and I think it might even be different in other parts of Australia

you do it and I guess it's I don't even know what this is for but it's I guess it's to encourage like a bit of class unity and maybe some early like presenting skills or whatever

classes will have like a class teddy bear or a soft toy or something and people take it in turns to take it home.

Take it home.

Yeah.

We've got you have to do a book.

There's a book that comes home with it, like a photo album, and you have to do a page, right?

Yes.

In Rudy, in my little girl's year level, she's in year one now, they have Gruff, who's the Gruffalo, like the beloved children's book character, the Gruffalo.

Taking Gruff home is like getting selected to get up on stage with Taylor Swift.

It really is.

She's like, oh my God, oh my God.

Yes.

I think next week I'm getting Gruff, right?

So the excitement of getting Pig to take Gruff home, you're in charge of Gruff.

Gruff comes home with the big book and all the photos and stuff in it.

The excitement's sky high for the kids.

It is a nightmare for the parents because

no parent, no one else in the family wants Gruff at the house.

And are you looking at the, do you get the book as well so you can see past people's performances?

And it's just full of like the bars way too high because every parent is the same, worried that all the other parents are going to see if Gruff had a good or a bad time at their house.

Yes.

So the standard of work in there, like, so really comes out of class, like holding Gruff up aloft, aloft, and you're like, oh my God, like Simba in the line.

This is the best thing.

And as, you know, and pick up, like, that is the last thing we wanted to see.

We've got so much on the side.

Does Gruff come home multiple times or just one

student?

The first time, like, you know, and you're chatting to other parents at pick up, and they're like, oh no, you've been Gruff.

It's like, shit.

gruff

i got gruff like oh my god gruff welcome we're so excited to have you over but i'm just like and so so we've had gruff before earlier in the year and so you'd want him earlier wouldn't you it's you actually want him first so you set the bar low after that it's like you know then then there are like you know some of the pages the photo printing's done really well they might have even gone to office works and you're like how has people have the time to do this there's like beautiful bubble riding and stuff about all the adventures Gruff went on.

And immediately I'm just going like, how can I pad this out?

Right.

So after the first one where Zoe was up for like two hours printing off photos and sticking them in, I was like, all right, let me, we got Gruff the other day, right?

Like we got, we probably got Gruff, I don't know, about a month ago.

Okay.

The second time I said, give me Gruff.

I'll do a quick burn around and

like, I can get you content, right?

Yeah.

Put Gruff in the Barbie car.

That's fine.

But basically just Gruff with barbies yeah probably a little bit wolf of wall streety now that i think about it

just gruff and babes and fast cars but if you look at what gruff wrote he had a great time anyway we got gruff again

like we've had gruff twice okay and zo

she's we've had enough gruff like

she's had a gruff fall

like

no no no no and i was i was on pickup and came home and it's like the normal flurry of like school bags and hanging out lunchboxes.

I was like, now, honey, I've got something to tell you.

Don't freak out.

Like, it's nearly okay, but I have something to show you.

And she's like, a car accident.

I'm like, ah, and that, like, out comes the bag.

She's like, oh, my God.

Not gruff.

And so I

like

a weekend is fine, but like a Thursday night, that's a gruff nightmare.

And

so I, yeah, I went.

So you have to deliver it back the next day.

You go, yeah, sorry.

Maybe I didn't mention that.

You get overnight.

Overnight.

There's probably like 20 kids in the

teacher.

I'm like, hey, one week a week.

Maybe Gruff, would Gruff like to come for the holidays?

Yeah.

And I'll do everything on the last day of the holidays.

Would that be fun?

I

made our Gruff entry.

I was like, Gruff has done everything at our house now.

So I was like,

I've made it that Gruff's had enough.

He's asking not to come back to your house.

He's like, the end of hours was like, in fact, Gruff had such a nice time.

Because it's like Gruff's guest book.

Gruff has enjoyed himself so much, he doesn't see the need to come back.

He's exhausted all the available activities.

In fact, when he's in the middle of the day,

it's like you should never go back to where you had school.

He probably

remembered the Barbies being a lot more fun the first time around, but

there were some awkward silences, and he realized you can't recapture the magic of the summer romance.

Thanks for listening.

The Hamish and Andy podcast will return next week.

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