2025 Ep 284 - Jack vs the People: Golf Buggy Finale

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One.

Ahoy to me, Nagiri.

Hamish.

Hello?

Or should I say Konichi And you can see it.

Is it a Wii Sushi?

A Wii Sushi?

No, no, we're not seeing.

Was it Nagiri or Nakiri?

Nakiri.

Okay, okay.

Ahoy to my Kirisuke.

Jack.

Are we types of sumo wrestlers?

No.

Because you know there's different classes.

You're in the right country, just so you know.

What else are they going to do?

Is it like a manga cartoon?

No.

Some kind of characters we wouldn't.

Well, why don't we just list everything that's in Japan?

It can't take long.

Classes of bullet train.

Or Shinkanzen.

I am Santoku.

I think.

No, I think we're going to get it, Endo.

I think if we just keep saying I honestly think you will get it if you think about it.

Class of swords.

Are we swords?

Really close.

Ninja.

Oh, my God.

No, not ninja.

Don't you dare, don't you dare to just steal.

Don't do this again, Jack, where you just steal the train of thought.

Tops of summer.

You'd love it in your kitchen.

Knife, knife, knife, knife,

I think I got it.

Dead heat.

Dead heat.

What we'll do is we'll send that to the labs

to Mashi to see who came in with the audio first.

Very confident it was me.

Very confident it was me.

I actually think I had time to do the old Usain Bolt look across and wink as I crossed the finish line.

Haim, the Nakiri, a special purpose knife for chopping vegetables.

Almost certainly have one.

Looks like a small cleaver.

Do you have one?

You're a long multi-purpose knife.

Got one of those.

Used by the executive chef of a Japanese restaurant.

And I'm just a general purpose knife.

You're playing in my territory here, Andrew, and and whilst I don't know the names of them, at three or four times in my life, I have bought what has been told to me by my good friend the internet, the world's best Japanese knives.

I'm the guy cutting kiwi fruits with like a four-kilo cleaver

and marveling at how effortlessly it slices them.

Ahoy also to Braden from Texas, who used the very easy-to-use system, HappyMachine.com.

Tell us what he's up to.

Ahoy, boys.

This is Braden

When I went to clean up the water, rather than getting another towel, I used my lost touch with the common man t-shirt to wipe up the water.

And other than possibly upsetting Andy, I feel like I might have created a paradox by doing something so common man with a lost touch t-shirt.

Keen to hear you guys' thoughts of the show.

Thank you, Brayden.

And a great case study.

But I would say it is a little bit lost touch to use a t-shirt, an expensive garment, to clean your floors, something you normally reserve for a cheaper garment.

That's my take on it as well.

I think it doubles down on his lost touchness, and I'm glad he has bought the correct t-shirt in that matter.

But would you like the efficiency, Ando, of if it's on its way to the laundry anyway, then it's doing two jobs?

Yeah,

I'd say he breaks a few fast and loose rules there because, number one,

maybe he didn't have a bath mat, but you can always use the bath mat in a pinch if you're a body.

Fast and loose is leave it, it's water.

I was going to say, the other thing is that's going to dry.

One of the key features of water is how quickly it dries and just returns itself to the atmosphere, invisible to the naked eye.

Hope we've answered those for you, Bray.

Haim.

Wow, it's time.

Let's set the scene in here.

We have got a full roulette table.

We've got our own croupier, Jason.

Ahoy to you, Jason.

Jason's just waved for those

panicky because

he said, do you want to talk to me?

He said, no, no, you're fine.

Just do you jobs.

He's taking it very literally.

Good, Jason.

Jack, this is where we're at.

Our good pals at Ingolf in Utility had offered

Hamish and I.

a golf buggy, a little trolley,

because you obviously said you didn't want a golf cart, the motorized ones you drive around.

You sent it back.

You looked a gift horse in the mouth.

You sent Santa back up the chimney with the gifts in your own words.

We brought us to this situation where they sent us another trolley to give away to the listeners.

We asked Jack whether he'd like to seize it before it gets to listeners.

He said yes.

We thought that was a bit unfair, but we did want to test.

It was a bit of a trick.

Well, I mean, I

was

ready to receive something anyway.

So how cruel to me would it it be to go home empty-handed is where I was coming from if that balances the level.

You're right.

You're right.

It is about who's the most ready to receive.

That's who it should go to.

But Jack, it was a torment for you because as a king weasel,

after doing all the credits and all the thank yous to Ingolf,

to get nothing.

To get nothing, you were like, to you, you felt like you'd put in a hard day's work in the mines.

Someone else is selling the coal and you just didn't get a paycheck.

I didn't get a paycheck.

Worse, I got the paycheck and sent it back because it just didn't work with me.

I have nowhere to keep it from rain.

So it brought us to a situation where we asked people to register to potentially win the trolley, the motorized trolley.

So many people want it.

10,866 people have registered their details.

They're legitimate people that want to win it.

We asked Jack how many tickets he'd like in this raffle.

He didn't go the million

or billion.

He said, I'd like one for every person that's entered.

So he's giving himself a 50-50 chance.

He's gone in with 10,866 tickets as well.

I think that's fair.

I saw some comments saying that it wasn't, but I think that's fair.

Can you see a world where it seems rigged to your favor?

I think that

people saying that it wasn't fair don't really have the full context.

of how I was ready to receive a gift and never got one in there.

Catching it on no one threw the ball.

I still think that guy should be out.

I was so ready for the catch.

I know he hit a boundary to the other side of the ground, but if you look at the tape, I'm so, so ready for the catch.

You're right, Jack.

They probably haven't taken in the 19th century.

How ready you were.

How ready, you know.

So, Jack.

You're super fertile.

Like for people that track, you know, cycles, if you're trying to have a baby,

Jack was extremely fertile.

Send it in

ready home ready so it brings us to this position where it's a genuine 50 50 haim had the great idea of bringing in a roulette a wheel we'll spin the ball we'll have the excitement you've chosen black it's black jack uh you've also elected to have the zero again

because of your readiness to receive switching it more in your favor yeah but that's going to be like an extra one percent or not even what you crunched the numbers on that what is that it's way more than one

is it it's a one thirty one thirty seventh yeah so it goes i mean it's basically how the casino makes its money the edge you've given yourself the not the guitarist from you too but you've given yourself

i don't know if he named himself after the zero on a rule wet wheel but he you've given yourself him yeah well i think it sounds better to say it's more exciting to say it's a genuine 50 50.

i'm the blacks the listeners are the reds yes and are you giving them back no no sorry and if i he's laying on zero i will still win okay okay

it's just that and it gets so finicky for you to describe all the percentages and stuff so we'll just call it a big old 50 we could say zero um

you know re-zero is just nothing nothing in golf gets it gets they win they get their buggy back no no no no no no no they've already won't be utility well jack i think we're pretty ready

so this is where we've got to jack versus the people.

It's his best shot.

It could have been Jack versus Jack.

He could have stepped inside the octagon and closed the gate behind him if he'd opted to take one million tickets.

You cannot fall for the nice guy, Ad, because he will take your head off.

But instead, he's allowed an opponent in.

What a result!

I mean, what a result!

Wow!

Sure, he is 10,000 times more likely to win than the individual.

How about that?

But as a collective, it's head-to-head.

What a baby-faced assassin!

Oh my gosh, call a doctor!

Mano E-meni, Mano.

One shot, one shot.

That's unbelievable.

It's Jack.

It's Jack versus the people.

Here we go.

God, I'm excited.

I don't feel ever being too excited for anything on this show.

How are you feeling, Jacko?

I feel positive.

I feel weirdly positive.

Yes, I just.

The odds are in your favor.

No, no, the odds are a 50-50.

Jason, are you ready?

With a slight edge to you.

Jace is ready.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Are you doing it already?

Wait, wait, wait.

Wait.

What happens?

step you you spin the middle thing first don't you and then you shoot the ball

around jack we're giving you the chance would you like to switch to red no no no no no no

black jack

sure yes no no this that could be the moment that cost you i feel black coming up i'll actually be shocked if it's red okay all right if i see black i'm very happy okay jason is spinning the

circle i'll put a vote in the ball is about to go it's gone for all those it's for it Jack.

Good luck to you on red.

Come on, come on.

Here we go.

It's slowing down.

Oh, God.

Come on.

One down.

35.

Yes!

Yes!

It's a black 35!

Oh my gosh!

If you've just tuned in, people want it.

Yoshiri man screaming, yes, yes, yes, because he

has rigged a competition to make sure he gets as a $5,000 golf buggy instead of the people at the show.

Don't say rigged because people might think that the actual roulette wheel is rigged.

The roulette wheel is 100%

legit roulette.

Sorry, sorry.

Fiddled with or tinkered with the odds to ensure that Black Jack fell to you.

Well, congratulations, Jack.

It's been a long road.

I can't say it's been a popular victory for people in here outside the window.

There are booze literally thumbs down.

Literally, my wife said to me as I went out the door this morning, she kissed me and she held my shoulders and looked into my eyes and went, God, I hope he doesn't get it.

Sometimes the heel has got to win.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Sorry, everybody.

Well done, John.

Sorry.

This is why I love podcasting over radio.

Can't do this in radio these days.

You would never hear.

Okay, now, you know, do you want to go and see Post Malone in vegas or am i going

you beauty it's me yay

yes because i gave myself 10 000 times the chance of the others

all right jack so you've done it

you've done it nothing can take it away now right no no don't don't even hint at some sort of like as a good wheel gesture no no no no no ando we all you if you want to do a good wheel gesture you give yours away no no no i know our very good friends no no we have to endolus pressure on them because they

would be happy to go a double or nothing.

Why would I need two trolleys?

No, no.

Why do you need a cart?

Hasn't stopped him before.

Hey, and we've become a place for people with empathy for objects to come and share their feelings and feel nurtured.

and a part of a team.

Extreme empaths, is this what we're talking about?

They're still coming here to Haymiche.com.

Hit us up there.

You send them, we'll do them.

Imagine how

broken we would have a huge part of the audience feel if people were sending in extreme empaths and we're like, oh, we're going to move on and not do them.

Knowing that their emails are sitting there, unread,

in the dark, so excited about being included in the show, just a little blinking, just an email with a blue circle next to it.

And

we just moved on.

Couldn't do it.

Couldn't do it to them.

I see everyone into it then.

Sorry, that's the opener there.

Every song ever written and performed, so no song feels left out.

Ham, do you want to go first or me?

This comes in from Melia.

She says, when you look at the back of the car, you see a face, right?

The brake lights are the eyes, the number plate is the mouth, and the boot opener is the nose.

So this might not be everyone, but certainly Melia sees, because every make and model of a car has a face.

Some cars' faces are cute.

where others look quite mean to her.

If a cute-faced car is attempting to merge, I'll always let them in.

If a mean car tries to merge, there's no way I'm letting them in.

In fact, I'll cut them off or beep the mean cars if the opportunity presents itself because they don't deserve my kindness.

Nothing more than feelings.

Cute cars have feelings.

Mean ones have them too, I guess, but you don't have to respect them.

This is from Sarah in the UK.

In London, the underground has certain parts of the track where it goes overground.

Yep, gotcha.

She says, every time the train comes out from underground, I feel an immense surge of happiness that the train is getting some vitamin D and to see some sights to break up the yellow mistake.

Nothing more than few limits.

Vitamin D was the worry.

This is from Jake.

He goes, boys, I always feel bad for the yellow light in traffic when I see people ignore it and drive straight through.

Like it's just there trying to do its job and people blatantly ignore it.

I will always stop for the yellow light, no matter what, then look up and say, I see you, yellow light and you're doing a good job

like the yellow light

it's not officially the bouncer of the traffic just a staff member that's been told to go outside and try and stop people from coming in the red light the security guard the real security guy

he's got a number but this is just the guy that normally collects the dishes going sorry guys we are pretty full

now this is from George Jackson in New Zealand he has friend he says I have friend no matter how bad doesn't skip songs on Spotify's AI DJ

because he doesn't want the DJ to feel bad about its poor recommendation.

Nothing more than feelings.

Zach, Zach says, look, I water the garden the normal way.

I spraying the soil under the plants.

But then I look up and I feel bad for the leaves, which actually do most of the work for us humans creating oxygen.

They're sitting up there working their asses off and they don't even get a drop of of water for their efforts.

So when I'm done, I make sure I turn it on to shower mode for the hose and I give the leaves a well-earned drink, even though I know it does nothing for the health of the plant.

Nothing more than feeling.

I reckon I've got close to a reverse one for that.

We have an indoor plant in our bathroom.

And when I water it, I do feel like a hero because it's every six weeks.

Like it basically, it almost dies and I bring it back.

And when I give it its water and I pump it, you only need to give it a little bit and I put, I put it under the bathroom tap and I just flood it.

It's not good for a day-to-day jack, but trust me, this thing never thought it was drinking again.

And I do have that thing where I think it must just be like

finally.

Like, you know, just that moment of going, oh my God, I've just been waiting for this for two months.

And I feel like I'm helping out a mate.

Yeah, I don't, they say only give it 200 mils of water and I saturate the soil.

And I think it loves it.

I think it loves it.

I do think it loves it.

Costa going, that's not what you meant to do.

Costa, I think it is enjoying it.

I think I'll speak for the plants.

Guys, I met a fellow called Josh while playing golf, and he told me a story that

has inspired me to make a new segment called this.

Is Josh an arsehole?

All right, Josh will be ruining.

Oh, they're talking about me on the podcast.

A little bit disappointed with how this has worked out for him, but let's hope he's not.

Josh an asshole.

Josh flew to Ireland, Northern Ireland, to play a very good course called Royal County Down.

Okay.

And arriving in Belfast, you have to take a bus out there.

Right?

What an arsehole.

So he's got off plane, got to the bus stop, and he's waiting in a line for the bus stop.

And the bus is leaving every hour.

And so he's playing at 2.30.

He's on a 12 o'clock bus.

He'll get there easily within that time.

He then realizes, he's about seven back in the line.

He realizes that it's cash only for the bus.

And he has flown from America.

Straight in.

Doesn't have cash on him.

Four pounds.

So he turns to an old lady behind him and he says, hey, I'm really sorry.

Would you have four pounds for the bus, Clap in Scatone?

She says, oh, of course.

He said, I can exchange details.

I'll try and get the money to you.

She said, absolutely not.

Welcome to Ireland.

Here's four pounds.

So he's got the four pounds.

Great.

Bus arrives.

It's quite full.

And they're counting how many people will be able to fit on the bus.

And the conductor goes through,

gets to Josh, and then cuts the line behind him.

And there's an hour wait for the next one.

He looks at the lady that's given him four pounds

and says, thanks very much for the four pounds and boards the bus.

That's a horrible one.

And makes his tea time at Royal County Down.

As the bus took off, he gave a small thank you wave.

She just waved back.

She was a single.

It wasn't like there was her with her family.

Yep.

It presents the question.

Is Josh an asshole?

I think he's in the clear.

Oh, the girls outside are nodding and saying he's an asshole.

You're saying he's in the clear.

Well, I think he's, I mean.

Would we do it ourselves?

Who knows?

I certainly wouldn't.

I'd say to that lady, listen, you go in front of me no matter what happens we have to make sure you get on that bus but that's just me

better than having

however if she'd have said to him I mean like if she was had she known I wonder if she would have gone I wonder if like if there was say there was a sign that said by the way it's six people per bus and she'd done the maths and gone okay I'm number seven I wonder if she'd gone if she'd have known that would she have said I'll give you the four pounds but we're switching the switching spots.

Yeah.

But she could have, she probably had the chance as well, or was in her right to go,

as he's getting chosen, you're on the bus.

She goes, I want my four pounds back.

Yeah.

And then he doesn't get on the spot.

To say, I'm not trying to swap places with you.

I just want the money back.

And then the bus driver go,

I'd appreciate it if we could leave on time.

Let's not wait for this guy to get four pounds off someone else.

Yes.

Because this guy's got no money.

I kind of agree with Hain, though.

He had his position.

I guess the question is, should he have offered up his position as a thank you for the four pounds?

The tough thing is his position is worth far more than four pounds.

So much more.

If it was a 10-minute bus wait,

then you

do that.

That is about £4.

Yeah, 10 minutes is £4.

One hour bus wait and also try not to make this about golf, but he's going to not have any time if he gets the next bus.

He might even miss it.

And he has come all that way to do that thing.

You know, replace it with art gallery that's closing soon, if that's more your thing.

You know, he's come for that thing.

The art gallery is not open the next day.

Did she have golf clubs with her?

She looked like tea time.

That didn't look like she had a tea time.

No.

No, she may have been getting into outfit when she got there, but it seemed like

I think as long as he felt remorseful and showed that, like even just

a hand on the the heart as the bus drove away, like, oh, this hurts.

I'm not, I'm not, I'm certainly not changing, but acknowledge.

All right, fantastic.

Josh is not an arsehole.

I don't think he's an arsehole.

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Heem, we're on a small difficult quest.

Amongst other bigger difficult quests, which is a dollar coin, but which is to try and get up there Kazale played before the Carlton Collingwood AFL football match in front of a hundred thousand people essentially to reclaim it as being an Australian song because there is an English guy coming out from England

who claims that it is a Derby County song called Steve Bloomers Watching.

Like a soccer song.

And the way we are hoping to do this is by playing that song at the footie coming up.

Unfortunately, it's Carlton Collingwood the match.

There's 100,000 people there.

So what we're asking for is for the song that I think the crowd will love, love, because this is like an AFL song.

We're just asking for one song to be played specifically to 100,000 people to upset one man.

Yes.

So we know that that is a, there's a, there could be an argument there for like, oh, well, we can't use a hundred thousand people's day to settle this sort of inter-country musical dispute.

But our argument is, I think the crowd will love it.

As we know, you know, that no other song fires up an AFL crowd like that song if you're familiar with it.

Yep.

so on last week's show people would know that we talked to jay from afl

and he said look here's the way that any football match works whoever home because we're like who plays the music before the game starts someone's got to be in charge of the dj booth he said it's the home teams thing which is um that will be the collingwood football club um then jack reminded us we're all very good friends with the with one of the guys that does the ground announcing for the collingwood football club t-bone to us what's his name again?

Stephen Tabone.

Well done.

Well done me for knowing a friend.

I mean give me a hard challenge.

Okay.

I'm going to send you a picture now of three people.

And

I wish I had time to look Ando.

I wish I did.

The photograph has been sent.

There's three people.

Okay, it's trying to get my side of the desk.

Nobody phone bill again.

Haven't paid my phone bill.

You should be able to receive, shouldn't you?

No.

Seems to be blocking it.

Oh, well.

Have you got it?

Because I said it's the two of you.

Okay, I know which one he is.

Yes.

Because he's one of our friends.

He's one of our friends.

Now, of course,

left, middle, right.

All right, I'll play the game, mate.

He's on the right.

He's got it.

He's got it.

He's got a roller.

Now, of course, I've got it.

Because I know Steve to bone.

Yeah, T-bone.

T-bone.

As we covered off last week.

Now, it was.

One in three was too high.

It was too high.

I mean,

I thought you were just going to say three that weren't him.

But that's what I was hedging for.

For when I go, it's the guy on the right.

And you go, it's none of them.

I was like, that's why I said I'm playing the game.

Correctly identified.

Correctly identified and verified as a friend.

So last week, after you left, Ando, I go, hey, Jack, let's call T-Bone.

And let's ask him if he's the guy that's doing the ground announcing, he'll be able to put us in touch with whoever's in charge of the DJ booth at the MCG.

How about the call guy?

Yeah.

Well, you're going to hear a bunch.

You're going to hear some friends.

Catching up.

Hello, Stephen speaking.

T-Bone, it's Haim.

Hey, how are you?

Good, mate.

Good.

Sorry.

I've got Jack here as well.

He was calling from the studio.

Oh, okay.

T-Burn.

It's Hamish from Hamish and Andy.

He knows who he said hello.

No, he sounded like he didn't know who you were.

Did you know who was Morgan?

Yeah, no, because I was just at a media event with MBL and I was like, is it someone from there?

But now I know who it is.

Yeah, great, mate.

How's things?

Are you back doing Pyre's stuff, Collingwood stuff this year?

Yes, I am.

Yeah, I'll be.

Great.

Jack was wondering something.

T-Burn, we want to play a specific song before the Carlton Collingwood match up there, Kazali.

How hard would it be to put it into the playlist?

Is that at the

G, isn't it?

Yep.

I don't look after the G music.

Do you know who runs the playlist, Steve?

Yeah, I do.

I do.

But I know that...

I know that they reserved that song for the big day in September.

Yeah, I know.

It's a bit of a one-off.

We need it played to

antagonize antagonize a man from the United Kingdom who'll be in the audience.

All right.

Jack, I'll give him your number and see if you can talk to him directly.

Yeah, great.

Yeah.

We'll catch up soon.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Thanks, T-Bone.

Awesome, mate.

All right, mate.

Okay.

See you, Tbone.

See ya.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Never.

Has a man been more confused.

That was just three friends.

That was three friends catching up.

Okay, so you've watched.

Did you you guys call the other person?

Yeah,

he can't play the song.

We've done all these.

Sorry.

Yeah, he can't play the song.

He knew he shouldn't have gone to Teamo.

Why can't he play the song?

They're worried that the AFL only plays that song for Grand Final Day in the week.

He's good for the AFL.

They were fine with it.

No,

so now Collingwood's putting it back on the AFL.

And then he said.

There was the guy that's in charge of the DJ booth.

He's like,

he reckons he's risking his job by playing that song.

That's why he thought.

To be fair, I didn't talk to him.

This was Jack's stuff, Ando.

Yeah.

This is Jack.

Jack's looking after this.

So did you say to him, if we get signed off at the AFL, will you play it?

He said that he would be happy to play it, but it's got to be signed off by the AFL.

Great.

I don't know why he's worried about it.

No one in September is going to yell out, heard this in April.

Get some new stuff.

He said that he was worried that Mike Brady, who wrote the original song and still performs it, would ring and say, why is it being played now?

what did you say back to that jack did you were you did you play hardball and say brady's not going to hear it i said mike brady's going to call you directly and he said no but mike brady could get in touch then it comes back to me why are we scared of mike brady

mike brady loves it when we play it yeah maybe he likes it being exclusively for the grand final i knew i should have been on this second call

okay so should we are we what are we ticking it off with mike brady so give me the people we have to tick it off with mike

I think Jack's saying, Jack's trying to do I've done all I can.

Are you out, Jack?

I'm saying this guy can press play on the song with permission from the AFL.

And yes, Mike Brady would.

We have to get Mike Brady's permission as well.

What about the person who invented the DJ booth just to make sure they're comfortable with it being pressed playing?

That wouldn't hurt.

So this guy you're talking to, is he from Collingwood?

The DJ is from Collingwood.

Right.

Yep.

I actually feel like I'm saying too much because he doesn't want his name said.

I thought it was a bit peculiar.

You guys keep saying this guy.

But But does he, has he asked Collingwood?

He's a well-known DJ.

He's given up an Ibiza residency to come and press play on the two hours pre-game.

So has Collingwood said yes?

Or does he have the power to say it on behalf of Collingwood?

He's saying on behalf of Collingwood, he's happy to press play.

And he has that authority?

Well, he didn't take any other calls when I spoke to him.

So he just assumes that he can.

As long as the AFL says it's all right.

Okay.

So what I think, this is the structure.

Collingwood says, play whatever you want, whenever you want, is so he knows he can.

Then he goes, then he's going to.

The feedback he gets more often is, why did you do that?

Not well done for doing that.

Yeah, okay.

He's worried about a why did you do that?

So, he wants a golden ticket from up on high that says you're all cool to do that.

Okay, well, we can get that and try and get it.

So, do you think I was still helpful?

I want to know if I helped out in this situation.

Yeah, I mean, absolutely.

You've got the guy that can actually press play.

You've kept, yeah, we've did well there, Jacko.

Oh, so now you're back in.

Well, that's the bit we did together.

We got

and then all right, you went off down a path somewhat clumsily and have returned to the group needing help.

That's okay, we will get signed off from the AFL.

We're gonna, I think we should double-check with Collingwood just because I feel like that's gonna

Mike Brady.

Let's just can you do a Mike Brady?

Can you do a Mike Brady impersonation?

I sure can.

So we'll just get a voice note.

We'll get a voice note from you.

Baby, if That's my homework for this week.

I mean.

From you.

He's key.

And then let's just try and get it as close to the bounce as possible.

I was saying last song before the bounce, but can't have it like as soon as everyone walks in.

No, no, it's going to be close.

It's got to be close to the first siren.

Now that they're saying it, it does, and they only play it on grand final day.

It's going to give the players an absolute buzz.

Yeah.

Isn't it?

Hang on, go.

Hang on a sec.

Yeah.

And

did you mention that we like our own message attached to the front of it to say...

Did you, Jack?

No, I didn't get into that.

Sorry.

Should never have let you do that call alone.

Gentlemen, I have an idea for us.

Inspired by a film.

I mean, so heavily inspired by a film, you might almost say it almost is the film.

But we just do it.

But let me bring you up to speed.

It's not far off, to be honest, Jack.

Scary movie with a hat that gets bigger.

No, that wasn't executed the same way that we did it.

So just on that, though, just quickly.

Sorry, I know this is.

No, no, I may actually have some hat news myself.

Andy's referencing the fact that when we did the five-hat prank last year, a few people did point out that there is a scene in scary movie two, three,

where a guy's hat continues to get bigger, but it's not the same as the five-hat prank.

It just is happening for no reason.

Well, when they're accusing us of copying it, this is the part I want to bring up.

It's like you got it out of a book, like

out of a kid, it's out of a kids/slash tweens

prank section from a small magazine that comes with a Beyblade or something.

Yeah, so take it up with them.

Take it up with them.

Yeah, they're the ones that told us to do it.

Yeah,

can I just say on the hat front, again, I assume most people know what we're talking about here.

I invested a lot of man hours in making the hats.

Well,

and well, mate, I did stay up all night staffing together denim.

I mean, it wasn't wasn't my favorite thing to do

someone brought to my attention that there is a current Guinness World Record for the tallest hat

and the tallest hat is I think we've got the email here somewhere and we'll get back to my proposal in a second but

the tallest hat one one thing that interested me was it's not that tall.

I saw the picture.

Okay, well, before you say it, then what would we think the tallest hat would be?

Yeah, and what we'd be bothered trying to make.

Yeah.

I reckon

if it's more than like, I'm thinking of a 10-meter diving board at the pool.

Yeah, if it's bigger than that, let's not bother making it.

10 meters, but remember, it can only be on your head.

Think of structurally how difficult that is.

Just a few more staples.

Yeah.

Mate, well, this is the thing.

I mean, I guess I was where you were at, too.

It's 5.4 meters.

We can beat that.

I think we can beat that.

I mean, we're not going to be able to do that.

I know everyone just has a go at World Records, but we've got hat.

We've never done it before.

One thing I noticed, I get it all the time.

Everyone goes, you would have done World Records on radio.

I was like, yeah, look, it comes up all the time.

Let's not bother getting the guy out with the.

I don't care about him.

I'm just going to take his record.

We don't actually have it.

We're not going to take it at the beginning.

I'm not the guy with the hat.

He means the Guinness World Record person.

Oh, the Guinness person.

Then bring out the previous

winners.

Because this guy's in America.

I want to go, hey man, just you know.

All right.

Back to back, boys.

Who's got the the bigger hat?

Damn it, you've got it.

Sorry, our intel was that it needed to be 5.5, but you seemed to have a big one.

No, here's the other thing, too.

Part of the record, and again, I just love Guinness for pretending that they're they always pretend they're like this scientific organization, where really it's just to sell books, but they're like rules.

Yeah, you must be able to walk for 10 meters in the hat.

Oh, that's interesting.

Well, that's what I was going to say.

Because what's this?

I mean, what also discerns a hat?

We could go to Bunnings and just get six meters of pipe, plastic pipe, put a brim on it.

You could, but it's got to be on your head.

That's the balance.

That's the hard bit.

Okay.

And then, but could, are we allowed to like under the rules?

I'm not sure how deep you looked into it, but could we wear a neck brace?

He doesn't seem to have a neck brace, and I wouldn't have too much of a problem with having a neck brace.

Anyway, one for mid-year if we're if there's a lull.

I'm not against breaking the hat height record this year.

And on the the on his little entry, it's like, you know, this guy's got it at 5.42 meters.

And then there's not even a picture of this.

It just goes, and he's working on the world's longest shoe.

This guy looks at the edges of the human body and goes, what's the maximum length or height thing I could put on there?

Don't tell me.

He's also working on the longest gloves, but we'll have to.

The world's deepest mittens.

I don't know how we've got onto this, but sorry, movies, movies, movies.

We were not inspired by Scary Movie 3, but here's a movie.

Here is legitimately something.

Park tallest hat.

We'll do it later in the year.

Okay.

The movie Sneakers came on.

Do you remember Sneakers?

Robert Redford movie.

Young, probably, Jack.

No, it's just Jack.

I have never watched it.

Swans.

Isn't it like all the birds of the flamengo flamingo?

The flamingo party.

Yeah.

Well, that's, yeah, that's, that's.

So one of the guys is blind, but he's a computer hacker, and he gets kidnapped.

and he remembers, he said it was like he went through a cocktail party and they figure out that they took him past a pond of flamingos, which sounds like a cocktail party.

Essentially,

that's not the movie, Jack.

That's not the movie.

That's a bad.

That's just a deep one for fans.

What sneakers is about, right, is Robert Redford runs a gang of kind of like hackers.

you know, the 90s equivalent of hackers, like kind of espionage specialists, who companies hire, like a bank would go to them and go, try and break into our bank.

And we're not telling any of the staff, and I'm the boss of the bank.

I hire you

to

test our security system.

And I'm sure something equivalent happens like more and more these days in the real world, probably with cybersecurity.

Anyway, then they go on and they get embroiled in like this, you know, government like code breaking kind of cover-up thing.

That's not the bit I'm interested in.

I was watching sneakers and I was like, what a great job.

But does anyone do this for small businesses because the people that hire the sneakers are all like you know multi-national banks and like big time like billions of dollars what i would like to propose is if you run a small business yeah

we will break in

us three we will rob you is it only online or you mean we will go no no no no that's the thing no hacking not interested it has to be using our skills which is going to be like physically stealing something

it's all the thrill for us of getting to figure figure out how to steal something from a business, but but we get the boss's blessing.

You won't get in trouble.

You're here to test our security.

The rules obviously are nominate yourself if you've got a shop or, you know, maybe just one or two shops, small business.

No, no target too small.

Like I don't care if we're coming in and we're like stealing a garlic bread, that's the job.

So you're saying, tell us your business.

Tell us your business.

You can't tell the staff.

You can't tell the staff.

Tell us the item.

Well,

this will have to happen off-air, I think.

So, if someone goes, Okay, I'll run a nursery, I want you to come and try and steal a hundred-dollar plan, yeah, and just see how hard it is, yeah, that becomes our job.

Great, then we have to go and heist this hundred dollar plan.

Yep, I think

we're gonna have to, you know, we're gonna have to vet the people that apply.

We have to be really sure they haven't told the staff because I also think the other part I was gonna say,

yeah,

from the Commonwealth commonwealth fake on born road

and then bring it to me and drop it off you sure we can bring a fake fake gun into the store no can they we do it all the time 10 million

or

hey it's someone here from spectacular crocodile tours love you to come love you to come on the boat and put a hole in it okay you're not from original nope

Nope.

Nope.

I am the boss of Spectacular.

Yes, so we will background you.

You just have to check that you are the boss of the

nursery or the

bar.

That's easy, dump.

And then this has to be appealing to you.

This has to be a service that you would like to explore.

If you would like to see your security probed, we can certainly do it for you.

And then we get the fun of

seeing how well we could pull off the heist.

Love it.

Love it.

I told you it wasn't the wig to start the tall hat.

No, something else.

No, I felt all about it by the end of the day.

there's something else much more important to do.

Just hit us up, Hamishandandi.com with the usual.

We won't put a bespoke form up.

No, just the

usual channels.

We'll pick one.

And then this will probably go quiet for a bit because

we can't give updates because you don't want staff members could listen and we don't want to, you know, that will compromise the mission.

Thanks for listening.

The Hamish and Andy podcast will return next week.

Catch up or contribute at hamishandandy.com.