2025 Ep 282 - The Golf Buggy Saga Escalates

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One.

Ahoy to me polar.

Hamish.

Okay, I'm could we could be famous Amy's, but let's see where we go from here.

Ahoi to me temperate.

Jack.

Okay, I thought.

I think

we're just like climate regions.

We are Earth's three primary climate zones.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Ahoi to me tropical and tropical or subtropical.

Yes, okay.

Well done.

Good.

Yes.

Good.

Good.

Good.

Well,

here's the thing.

Benny in Canada sent an email saying spend an hour thinking of famous triplets.

Here's my top 50.

That was number 50.

That was number 22 on Benny's list.

Now, he spent one hour and he came up with 50.

Now,

that's a damning bit of information.

That's a year and a half's work for Mike.

Yeah.

People would know that, yeah, we mentioned last episode podcast Mike has left with our blessing for what he believes to be greener pastures.

He'll find them dry and crunchy and dissatisfying, unsatisfactory, and he will be back.

But arid soil.

It will not be tropical grass.

grass it will be polar in nature very difficult for growth

however he dark winters complained and complained last year that took him so much time to do it and then ben's cranked out 50.

yep and so and then and look who's the happiest here liza yeah she's a cool iron like a golden crumpet out there he's very excited so well it is amazing i mean i'm sure it's happened many other places not when we're meant to be talking about here but where you leave a job you said was hard

and then the new person that comes in goes no, God, is that all they were doing?

I mean, just do it this way.

Absolutely.

McDonald.

Missy Mike.

Be the.

Missy Mike.

Send us a picture of the grass.

Love to see how green it is.

Ahoy also ham to James, who's in Bristol in England.

Hi lads, it's James here from Bristol in the UK.

I'm getting in touch as I'm a radio reporter over here and a press release came across my desk today, which immediately made me think of all the extreme empaths amongst us.

So, it turns out that researchers at the University of Bath, which you may or may not know, is one of the more prestigious universities over here, have looked into how to get more people to buy solo bananas because it turns out they equate for millions of tons of food waste every year.

Because obviously, normally you'd buy a bunch.

And they worked out that if they label them with sad faces, along with a sign that says,

We are sad singles and we want to be bought as well, sales increased by 60%.

Wow.

So I just thought you better know that scientists and the eminent people amongst us are starting to catch on that extreme empathy is something that could be exploited by shops and businesses.

And it also got me thinking that if these solo bananas could talk, what would they sound like?

And immediately I thought of Jack's, I'm just a little boy.

And it made me think that if they could talk, they would probably sound something like this.

We're sad singles and we want to be bought too.

Great, James.

No notes.

Perfect message.

Couldn't have been shorter.

Well, I mean, he's right.

And we know that there's extreme empaths amongst us.

In fact, they keep emailing us in, hamishne.com.

So many.

There have been just so many of the government mandate break.

We thought we've got to dip into them.

Well, let's play the opener, which was, of course, every single song ever written no song shall be left out because of course that would be sad for that particular song

i hope everyone feels seen and appreciated hey um do you want me to go first you go for you go for it olivia on warm nights this must be a summer one fresh my husband turns the ceiling fan in our room on high as we're getting into bed Recently, I've started feeling sorry for the poor fan as it works tirelessly through the night on the highest setting.

So I'll wake up and turn it down to a medium low setting in the middle of the night i hope the fan appreciates it give it a break nothing more than feeling that is nice that is nice i mean just when i think we can't get like when i'm like okay i think we've done all of them the level that come in like sometimes you start reading them and you're like

what like where how could this be yes like how could how could this i don't even know how there's empathy going on here and then you're like oh my god i think i know what's going on this is this comes in from Amal.

He said, My partner, Lucy, is an extreme empath.

We were driving through the Macca's car park and she came to a complete stop, although there were no pedestrians anywhere, no reversing cars or anything.

I was very confused.

I took a second look at the road in front of us, and there was a lonely napkin blowing across the car park in the breeze.

And I said, Are you waiting for the napkin to cross the road?

Her sheepish expression said it all.

Nothing more than please.

So

that one's curious to me.

Because you're like, I don't want to run over a napkin.

I know.

Because I guess in her mind, and we can only speculate here, but I suppose to an empath, they're like, that napkin has been trapped inside

like sardines in a jail, has been fortunate enough to escape and now is running free the life that all napkins want.

Couldn't bear the thought of it being run over in the car park after such an improbable jailbreak.

Arunan, this is from.

Sometimes when my girlfriend takes a photo of some famous landmark, she does a 180 and takes a photo of it, whatever is on the other side.

She goes, nobody is ever taking a photo that way.

And this is the car park directly opposite the Taj Mahal.

Oh, that's good.

This is from Jade.

from New Zealand.

He says, sometimes if I notice a weed in a place it shouldn't be, e.g.

a crack in the veranda, I won't pull it out.

It's endured enough, growing in such a challenging environment, and it's worked so hard to get where it is, I let it go, as that's Darwin's theory at its best.

I will, however, pull out any of its children.

They haven't had to try that hard at all, and they don't deserve it.

So she's against Nepo babies.

The weeds fully cool with the trailblazing weed.

This is from Joe.

My girlfriend has just discovered the fridge becomes full darkness when you close the door.

Late in life, dude.

They didn't know that.

Yeah.

It feels bad

for the food.

So she went out and ordered a battery-powered light and sits it inside the fridge.

This is where movies like that Seth Roger movie Sausage Party has a lot to answer because

people really like to attribute human feelings to food.

over a lot of other stuff.

It does come up a lot because we eat it.

We burn it.

We cook it.

it we chop it it's a horrible thing to have feeling going off james's message at the top you know i'm a sad sick single and i want a banana and i and i want to be bought too and then you just go home and get eaten yeah yeah yeah we're that's it's not a good life when you get bought someone's got to tell the bananas you want to stay in the shop to be honest and this is from bessie

ahoy boys when i get a new toothbrush I don't use it immediately because I don't want to fire my old toothbrush on the spot with no warning.

It hasn't done anything wrong.

It's just aged out.

So I like to ease it into retirement.

So what Bessie does is she puts the new toothbrush next to the old toothbrush.

So that way the old toothbrush notices.

It notices that they've got their last few days together before it's going to be retired and it can perform a handover to the new toothbrush.

This gives the new toothbrush time to learn and prepare for the job while the old toothbrush has time to come to terms with its retirement.

To learn and prepare the job.

Like, okay, so what's it like when you go in there?

Okay, well, it's much like on the little illustration on the boxing came in.

You're going up against the teeth and you've got to get it all out.

You've got to get all the food out.

And it's going to be dark and it's going to be wild, but you'll be good.

You'll be great.

Hey, I know you're a cat man or cat family at the moment.

I think one day you'll be a dog man.

Yeah, it's possible, but we're pretty happy as a cat family.

Yeah.

Jacko, did you find that when baby came along, the dog just becomes second fiddle?

Yeah, it's so sad to say because we love the dog so much, but they just have to become backseat.

You see a lot of it.

You see

a lot of dogs with their own Instagram account just go real quiet.

Oh, that's daddy.

She added one, yeah.

It's gone real quick.

Did Luna have an Instagram account?

Yeah, she did.

Oh,

there wouldn't.

I reckon you can track the amount of posts when Gordy was born.

Yeah, we haven't even logged on since he's been born.

Do you have people going, because I'd seen people that were like fully invested in the dog and then a baby comes along and then you'd have people ask, like, do you still have the dog?

Like, because it seems like the dog's just vanished or run away or perhaps, you know, God forbid.

Absolutely.

Dogs no more.

There's a path where the dogs immediately go to the grandparents or the parents of the new, the newborn.

Like, I've seen that in numerous from my friends.

And there's this thing where...

Beck and I, there are people saying, if you had a kid, what will happen?

You hate the dog, you won't want it around.

And Beck just can't deal with it at all yeah but you don't have to hate the dog well every we've only got 24 hours in the day we can yeah it does receive less love we say our dog is still love but it does receive less do you find it annoying at times sometimes you're like oh like on a full day you still got to walk

you still want to walk do you

are we all aren't we all raising this baby together aren't we all just as tired that like we've got friend that banished his dogs to outside they were inside dogs until kids came along then tim's dogs just suddenly were outside dogs imagine that for a shock that is a shock to the system well that's the thing i mean we were like to tim and this is our mate we were like you still because he's got four kids we're like you still got those dogs

just i mean especially you know

yeah yeah they're still there But in the, when you, when you catch up with them and you're running through how's things, how's the kids, you know, you've got four updates to give before you would even give an update on the dog.

So you're never hearing any news about the dog.

This shocks me, jack because it was i mean i i as i you know obviously i said i didn't want a dog i said i'd sooner sit in my dad's fish pond at their property i think for 24 hours than get one i think i said that comment on the podcast at some point along the ride been cool um but now i just love the dog so much and i'm actually looking forward like if we ever ever have a kid i was like and beck became more disinterested in the dog the dog would be more for me which i'd be actually very much excited about.

And it became alarming to me during the weeks.

I was like, do I love the dog more than Beck?

Like,

that's a question that I think a lot of people are in partnerships to sit there and go.

Certainly one for the couples counselor.

Yeah.

So that should be number one for the next sesh.

Look, there was a couple of things that came up, and I thought it's best to describe it in song and ham.

That could be a safe space.

Feel free to jump in with any questions you have during the song.

can i do it in tune

i prefer you not to try and tune it can i do it all right i'll do it in time okay that's fair

the other day it occurred to me beck might rank below the dog in house hierarchy uh what do you mean ando well there's evidence i might like henry more than beck

there were many signs and here is one i barely ever pick up who that beck has done and you're doing it for Henry every day?

Twice a day?

I might like Henry more than Beck.

The last bite of my steak.

I'll save it for Henry.

But if Beck asks for a bite of your burrito?

Sorry, darling, I'm still hungry.

When I hop out of the shower, Henry licks the water off my legs.

But what if Beck asked you to do the same?

I'd feel weird saying yes, but you would let her.

Let's move on from this, my friend.

If I'm in a rush, Henry can stop and sniff a wee.

But I will never let Beck stop for a coffee.

Geez, man, I feel like the writing's on the wall here, buddy.

Yeah, I might like Henry more than Beck.

And when the motion of the car puts pressure on Henry's glands, and her butt juice seeps over my favourite pants.

Are you angry?

Not at all.

But you wouldn't love it if Beck did it.

It's a worry, isn't it?

There's no denying it.

I might just like Henry more than that.

Ando, as a friend and possible groomsman, I wouldn't sing this at the wedding if I was you.

Jacko, last week on the pod, we, of course, recounted the tale of one of the hottest, the hottest question over summer.

Is Jack enjoying his golf buggy?

Is he driving around in a $15,000

golf cart?

Because he lives within two kilometers of a golf course and he's allowed to drive one.

We found out that even though we did all the weaseling,

you did all the brand mentions required to secure the golf.

I even noticed last week on the show, Andy, you knew I wasn't getting a golf cart.

You still gave him the credits again.

You mentioned them.

Well,

it just annoyed me so much.

Well, Andy, what was the company you were doing the the mentions for in golf and utility and the reason why jack is we have something to tell you haem text me during that discussion said should we tell him

right and and then we talk we talked on the on in the car on the way home straight after the show

here's the thing jack

last year now this is it's important to get the timeline of okay

okay last year You had the option of standing firm and going, no, no, no.

We all agreed that for our ask our big weasel with the no questions asked weasel where we just mention a brand name and we would all get something yes and it was put to you look you want essentially a fifteen thousand dollar golf buggy and it's not something that you guys necessarily wanted we did i did yeah i didn't feel bad for that reason saying i'm happy to break the rules and take it on my own this i would have loved one but they came and they said we've only got one so it required you to go gimme gimme gimme all for jack none for Hamish and Andy.

I remember.

You took the deal.

When we were in that period where you were still about to receive the golf buggy, right, to your house,

the same company that Andy

called

generous company.

What happened?

They said, well, look, because we couldn't give you guys like actual golf buggies you can drive, we would like to offer you.

the motorized

smaller, like the push trolleys.

Yeah.

The remote controlled ones of those.

Would you guys like one of those?

And we said, oh, that would be so lovely.

Thank you.

So fantastic.

You said, wait, you got something from that weaseling, and I got nothing.

Well, we're all meant to get things, that was the deal.

We got as much smaller things

with Remium.

No, but those things are still great.

They're the ones.

Please don't talk over the brand then.

Go ahead.

Go ahead.

Then I got something to say.

What did we get, Ed?

We got ourselves premium Stuart Golf Australia products, the Q-follow, which is awesome.

Yeah, yeah, a little trolley that follows you around.

I've seen them.

They're awesome.

You put your clubs in them and you use a remote control and it drives in front of you.

Testimony.

You are correct.

You're correct.

They are awesome, but obviously much, much, much cheaper than a golf buggy.

You may say, guys, would you like these?

We said, yeah, sure.

Jack's getting a golf buggy.

He's getting like, you know, he can drive around in his.

We just got a little thing that you put your bag on and it is a remote control.

We'd love them.

Thank you.

And we thought, you know what?

That seems about right.

Jack got this really great, big, amazing thing, and we're happy to take these.

It's all we need.

Nice guys.

Anyway, then it turns out that you didn't want your big amazing thing and you sent your golf cart back.

So here we are at this juncture where Andy and I got these really like quite awesome remote controlled little push trolleys.

And, you know, just so let you know that we love them.

And

we are, yeah, we're grateful to you for using your one wish with the genie.

And sorry to hear that you didn't enjoy your golf card.

It's not it, I didn't send it back.

I never, I never took ownership.

So it costs them nothing.

Here's the other part of the puzzle.

They have said, would you also like to give another one?

We can offer you a third one, another one to give away to our listeners.

Oh, guys, don't.

Did they actually come on?

They didn't say that.

They would have said,

can we give a third one a chance?

No, they didn't.

They couldn't use it at the time.

Oh, they didn't golf.

Yes.

So they said, would you like to give one one away as a competition?

So we said, this is such a great test.

So, Jack, remember, at that stage, you were still getting a golf cart that you could drive.

So we said, yes, we'll take one for the show.

And in 2025, we can give that away.

And that will be a fun thing for other, for the listeners of the show to enjoy in the Weaseling.

So

here's the thing.

That's on its way to the show.

And

very generous from the company to give one.

We can't change the conditions of that.

It's on its way to the show.

Do you want one of these things?

Yes, I definitely do.

Right.

Me and Andy have one.

And I got to tell you, they're great.

On the website, it says, enjoy the pro-like experience of not having to worry about your clubs because it's like you have a caddy.

You're just walking along.

You don't have to carry anything.

You have to do anything.

Yeah, definitely.

I want it.

Yeah, got it.

So

that's on its way to the show.

Under instructions to give it away, though, as a contest.

I guess our question to you is.

Yeah, I know, I know.

That's the spirit with which it's been said to us.

You, of course, have great power within the show.

And even though it's probably not the right thing to do, you could step in here and seize the shipment.

Would you like to seize it before we have a chance to offer it?

to the listeners.

We'll give you some time to think about that.

Well, I think it's fair to say that the entire world is eagerly awaiting the outcome of this monumental decision.

Will he seize it?

A moment is coming for him.

Will he seize it?

This is epic.

This monumental.

Will he seize it?

This is a huge decision, huge impact.

It's a huge question today.

The question is: Does he have the courage to seize it?

A moment is coming for him.

Will he seize it?

He definitely sees that, but will he seize it?

That's pretty pretty funny.

The time has come where actions speak louder than words.

Imagine the pressure on this man.

It's a huge decision.

Will he seize it and will he take it?

Will he take it?

I made my decision a full five minutes ago while we were all talking.

100% I would like to take it for myself.

As soon as I realized what the test would be, I had already decided.

So to be clear, you are picking

old seize the shipment

before the chance to give it away.

And it's not a golf podcast.

So, you know, there's hundreds of people who listen to the show who don't even like golf, and they will be completely useless to them.

So it makes more sense to come to me.

You have chosen seize.

Here's the thing.

We don't have that off before you just

bastards.

We don't feel right.

It doesn't feel right.

Let me seize it, but thank you for making your feelings known.

Here's what we will do.

Here's what we will do.

We will put a competition

up on our website.

Okay.

Now?

AmyShane.com.

If you are interested in golf, or maybe your partner is, or whatever, your mum, your dad, and you think this would be a great thing to win.

If you want the Q Follow trolley, go and register now.

And this is what we'll do, Jack.

And people can, you can only register once.

We'll make it to the form you need.

You've got to put your phone number in, et cetera.

You can only register once.

Jack, you'll find out how many people have registered.

So my name's just in the mix.

That's not good odds.

No.

We're going to give you a better chance because, as we said, you are in a position of great influence in the show.

Yeah, I should have like

80% of tickets.

Okay, well, you've put a number on it.

But what we're going to do next week is we'll find out how many entries there are,

and then we'll give you the choice of how many tickets you would like to add into that.

So you get to enter more than once.

The number you pick is up to you.

Yep.

Bye.

Why are my worry checks?

Already just decided on 500 million.

Still a chance for them to win.

Oh, watch your step.

Wow, your attic is so dark.

Dark.

I know, right?

It's the perfect place to stream horror movies.

What movie is that?

I haven't pressed play yet.

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Ando, it's time for a bit of a different version of this.

Chidney with your best chat, natter away,

chit-chat champion.

Yes, of course, the game where we test how good people are at small talk.

We have a returning contestant.

Now,

not a winner.

Before people go, oh, great, is it one of the greats?

He could be regarded as one of the greats, but not in the way people might be thinking um an email came in landed on my side of the fence and it was from it was from a lady called mary and she said look i was on chit chat champion quite a while ago and i

fluffed it

i i pooped the bed it didn't go well i've never listened back to it she says i i just i can't bear listening back to it it was a It wasn't her finest hour.

This is what happened when she was on.

G'day, Ando.

Okay, mate.

you hear the rumor?

New iPhone in September.

Oh, I think I'm going to wait till at least October before I purchase one.

Wait, no bloody wait.

What's that?

Okay.

It was an interesting tactic.

It kind of violates.

She claimed she couldn't hear.

She claims she couldn't hear.

But I was going to say, one thing we do need to know is it kind of violates the no questions rule.

Yes.

To go, wait, what was that?

But also

afterwards, Mary went on to say, hey, look, I actually couldn't hear what was going on.

And first time we'd ever had a phone glitch.

We took that um to heart, and then this is what we said at the end.

We should give Mary a chance to come back.

I know we don't, I know they do that in Sale of the Century, it's normally for the winner by the end of the year, Mary.

I could just feel the pain, the anguish.

Um, we will get you back on by the end of the year.

Yep, fantastic.

We won't allow, I didn't hear that.

Okay, so we made that pledge was in 2020, So some

nearly five years ago.

That seems to be about right for this show.

Probably people thought that was a bit of a peter out.

No, no, no.

Sometimes, like those bugs you hear that can just freeze themselves in the Arctic and just come back to life 100 years later.

Never heard of that.

It's back to life.

I think there's some bacteria that can do it.

Anyway, it was back to life.

Not dead, just dormant for a long time.

Here we go.

We're back.

We're men of our word.

Mary did need to email and remind us, but we are men of our word.

And she joins joins us on the back.

Mary, ahoy to you.

Ahoy, boys.

May the gusto be with you.

Thank you, Mary.

Gusto to all.

Mary, are you more nervous than the first time?

Yeah.

Yep, I am.

And I hated hearing that.

I literally, like, I think I listened to it one time and I could not, I could not listen to it again.

So it sounded like I was speaking through a potato.

You're probably better for the run.

Yeah.

See what people would say.

I was flying as well.

It was the phone.

It was bad.

Well, let's be clear.

Can you hear us clearly now?

We've got to make that very clear off the top.

I can, and there's no excuses now.

So if I fail, I fail.

Okay, great.

Good on you for stepping back into the arena.

We've also got Liam.

Hoy, Liam.

Hoy, boys.

Liam,

how are you feeling?

I mean, did you hear that?

Are you aware of who you are?

I did hear that and to hear my worst nightmares play out in front of me

isn't great, but I'm hoping to put in a better performance.

Oh, it's great.

I mean, you know, your, you know, your competitor is coming off such a low base,

but you're coming in with no stains on your record.

True.

Liam, do you feel more confident that she's played it before and fluffed it or less confident because she's had the experience of being in the game?

I think there's nothing that compares to match experience.

So I think that that's a little leg up there.

But

hopefully I can get one up over and what is your job in uh in regular play that may lead you to think that you're good at small talk uh i wouldn't say it's a job but um i play cricket and i filled in the slips which is often a position where it doesn't matter how good you catch it's just how good your chat is so that's very true hoping if i put in a good performance today i could secure my spot in the hammock for the next year

fantastic wonderful just your mouth has this great muscle memory of just keeping keeping it going okay yeah um we'll put you guys both on hold you obviously won't be able to hear each other um The rules are very, very simple.

We won't tell you when to talk, as you know.

You just have to use your social antenna to vibe out when to jump in and say the next best thing you can think of in the conversation.

No questions allowed.

No stalling.

Judge it on how naturally you play your small talk game.

And are you ready?

Yep.

Oh, k'do, Ando.

Oh, hey, Ian.

Mate, Trump trying to get Greenland.

What do you reckon?

Is he going to get it?

Nah, Nah, I think they'll hold strong.

Yeah, well, can't say I'm a massive Trump supporter myself.

Can't really say I follow his policies, but hey, all success to him.

Good luck with him.

And I wish him all the best, let's be honest.

Wow.

I mean,

you got stuff out, but it was, some would say it was a turnaround.

It's pretty erratic.

Mid-senders just to sort of go, can't say I follow him, but ending up with all the best to him.

Full support.

Mary.

Full support for Annex in Greenland.

No, Mary, I'm back again.

I sense that you're not happy with how that went.

I'm not.

I'm not.

But like, I was coming in no tactics.

I was like, look, I'll just fill out the conversation.

But, you know, it's all these people that think they can chitch out.

It's so much harder in an arena.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean,

you haven't lost yet.

So don't you know?

You're currently in the lead, Mary.

Let's see if you can keep the lead.

Okay, over to Liam.

Liam, are you there?

I'm yeah, Mois.

All right, you ready?

Here we go.

Ready to go.

Good luck.

G'day, Andrew.

I am.

Mate,

Trump and Greenland, what do you reckon?

Is he going to end up with it?

No, I think I'll hold firm.

It's a whole interesting thing, isn't it?

Because a few countries have got their toes dipped in the water there.

America, Russia, Denmark.

It'll be interesting to see how it plays out.

That's good.

Pretty good.

That's good.

That's good.

Pretty good.

That's good.

That's not what Mary wanted.

And we'll bring Mary back.

Mary,

are you there?

Yep, good.

Okay.

A

nervous wait for you, no doubt.

Okay, Mary, you know what you went with.

I'm going to summarise.

I'm going to summarize what Liam went with and you tell me who you think's got it.

He said,

that's an interesting one.

A lot of countries have their toes dipped in the water there.

America, Russia, and Denmark.

It'd be interesting to see how it plays out.

I feel like he has a lot more knowledge on this subject.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I think

he's very lucky.

I actually watched a video on it last night.

But I mean, that is great.

That's what a great chit-chat champion does.

They research all topics.

Mary, unlucky, you won't be invited back.

It doesn't matter how many years we wait, but

I think that's fair.

But Liam, you get a token token of no value coming your way.

Uh, of course, uh, you can put any value on that you'd like, but we attribute no value to it whatsoever.

Awesome, thank you, boys.

Thanks, boys.

Look forward to seeing how the Greenland issue plays out.

Uh, Liam, you are an interested observer, and uh, Mary, you absolutely made your feelings clear.

Thanks, Mary.

You're a great sport.

Thanks, guys.

Bye,

fellas.

We're straight back into this.

And

it's March.

You're happy.

But again, happy new year.

But can I just shock you?

I

feel like

other people have gone back to whatever it is they do even earlier than this.

Yeah, I know.

Like my wife had started working in,

God, it seems like a long time ago now, but January, she was doing stuff.

And the kids, they go to school and school has started.

School's back.

Like school's well and truly back by now.

In fact, to the point where they're talking about the end of term already.

And I was like, oh, that's very strange, guys, because

isn't the year just beginning?

Anyway, that's why we fight the mandate of break so hard.

So fingers crossed, we beat it next year.

But one thing that's happened term one at school is the swimming carnival

for my kids.

I hated that.

Did you have the swimming carnival?

I have terrible memories of the swimming carnival too, because it's this funny thing where it is a skill.

Swimming is a skill.

And especially when you're in primary school and you haven't quite linked this together yet in life, that skill development requires repeated exposure to increasingly hard stimulus and you adapt,

you don't understand that yet.

You just decide that there is glory associated with something.

And if you've decided you'd like the glory, then that sort of seems like all the work that needs to be done.

So,

you know, the kid, our kids, like we swim at the beach and, you know, they can swim.

They can swim, but there's no swimming lessons.

To give you an idea of the kids' mentality um i was saying to my nephew george about um that we're doing the pub with pat cummins and he said great can you get him to send a scout to burnley oval at eight o'clock 8 30 a.m on saturday right more for my bowling okay well he only has 10 scouts a week that he can deploy

nine-year-olds so like this is you got to get them early

i would argue that even shows a level of development that is impressive because it's like here's a skill i've been working on and i'm now ready to show it off

so the thing about swimming especially swimming a stroke like you know freestyle or backstroke or some of the harder ones is like you obviously have to learn it and then after yes you know and that's fine if you're into swimming and if you're not don't worry about it like you don't just go and participate and that's the fun of the day and generally that's the vibe of the swimming carnival especially at primary school it's like you know, if whatever, jump in, participation points.

You get a point for just getting in the pool.

And then for second and third, get more points for the house or whatever.

And do they have exotic events as well?

Like at my primary school they did.

Pool you mean like pool pony and stuff like that?

Well one of them was for the people that couldn't swim was in the wading pool and they dumped heaps of corks in it and who got the most corks right no

we know it's a bit more swimming themed than that but certainly for the little kids like the kindies and the year ones and stuff they're allowed to have a pool noodle.

Okay.

So there are a few non-Olympic things that you see.

Like you see a couple of like non-fina regulated events like the pool noodle or the year six helping you along, and it's and in the junior events, too, a couple of them.

It's you know, 50 meters is a long way.

Like, so by the time you're in year two, of course, like you're you are, and even for me, it's a long way.

Like, I'm a terrible swimmer.

So, I tried to explain this to the kids, like, it's all about having fun.

Yep, anyway, the night before, we're having dinner.

Is it for both of them?

Both of them, Sonny's in year five, Rudy's in year two.

The night before, Rudy goes, Dad, do you know how to swim butterfly?

And I said,

yes, I suppose the answer is yes.

I can tell you, like, I can say what to do.

Like, you move your arms like this and your legs are kicking like a dolphin.

She goes, great.

I want you to teach me after dinner.

I want to get in the pool because I've entered in butterfly tomorrow.

Wow.

And I was like, oh, honey, that is, I love that.

I love the determination.

That's awesome.

She's like, and I say, but honey, it's 6:30.

Like, it's, it's, we're going to bed.

Like, having, you're having spaghetti bolognese.

It's not that, it's just a bit late, really,

in the campaign to learn the stroke the night before.

She's like, I have to learn it.

I have to learn it.

Like, all right, well, I suppose we can do 15 minutes in the pool.

So you finish spaghetti, get in the pool,

and you know, she sort of thrashes a little bit, takes a couple of strokes, pops her head up.

And our pool, I think, is seven meters long.

So it's not really the place.

Even if she had two months out, I don't know how much development we could do.

But also, but also the length that you, anyone tries butterfly who's never done it before, like seven meters is pretty much the max length.

If you can drown in seven meters.

Takes like two strokes, pops her head up.

She goes, did I do it?

I go, you did it.

And she goes, unbelievable.

She goes, I think I'm the only kid in my class that can swim butterfly.

This is great.

I'm going to do it tomorrow.

And this is the tricky thing.

This is where unconditional love and support meets the reality of, okay, but you're going to find out that,

you know, I love you and I believe you, and you can do anything, but 50 meters.

Well, you can do any, you can, you can do anything you put your mind to, I suppose, is the missing part of it.

And you practice regularly for, and that's the bit we've missed.

It's a bit, it's too late the night before.

Anyway, swimming carnival comes.

I go.

She's entered herself into four events: 50-meter freestyle, which is an how-to-do breaststroke, backstroke, butterfly.

And then there's also a 100-meter freestyle.

Gets to the starting blocks.

First up is the freestyle and, you know, goes for it.

Love it.

Love the excitement.

Dives off the blocks.

And it is a slog.

Like you, you pay more attention to the Olympic swimming than I do.

But and I, and I adored the effort.

And she still was like, you know, fished middle of the pack with a bunch of other kids that I think were doing it for the first time.

So you love the effort.

But it was about two minutes, I reckon.

I was like, I think it was about two.

So it's a long slog.

The lactic acid is.

enormous by the end like can't get her arms out of the water it's just like she's like swimming through honey such a long way.

It's such a long way.

It's a long way for me.

And so she gets out and I'm like, okay, she's, she's going to have been dealt a huge dose of reality here.

And I'm waiting with the towel and I'm like, I'm just going to congratulate the effort.

Comes down.

She's panting.

She's like, okay,

that's done.

She's like,

I'm going to do the 100 meters.

I'm going to do the 100 meters.

I was like, really?

Did you feel like,

did you feel like you got to the end and you wanted to do the same distance again?

She's yeah, yeah, but it's not next.

Next is breaststroke.

This is a huge, huge schedule of swimming for someone that doesn't know any of these strokes.

So then I see her over talking to the sports teacher.

The sports teacher's miming breaststroke

learning it.

And like, hey, she's my daughter, so I love, I'll leave it to the last minute.

Yes.

Right?

Like, that's our family motto.

Yeah.

But this is, even even for me this is ballsy like to learn the stroke before before dumping like just go through the gist of breaststroke anyway gets to the block jumps in for breaststroke and just you know heads bobbing up and down and i'm at the starting end and so she's swimming and i'm filming and i'm zooming in and i notice her legs are like dead straight

she's just using her arms like a plank right and not only that but anytime they move out of position i can see her like fighting to get them back

Oh, no.

She's got up and fucking worked.

This is like the biggest arm and shoulder workout of all.

I think I know what's happened.

But again, amazing effort.

Gets to the end, climbs out, comes down.

Again, is panting.

And she's like, yeah, okay, I've got 100 meters next.

I've got 100 meters.

And they said you could do free solar breaststroke, so I might do breaststroke for the 100 meters.

And I said, yeah, right, honey.

Again, like, you're doing amazing.

I'm so proud of you for this effort.

I said, but if I may, and again,

you're doing a wonderful job.

And I'm not a great swimmer, so I don't really know what I'm talking about.

But

if you do want to go again, I think use your legs.

Like, you can, you can, you can kick, right?

And she goes, no, you're not allowed.

I said, oh, I know you are.

And she goes, dad, I was told by the teacher, you are not allowed to kick in breaststroke.

If you do, you get disqualified and you will lose points for your house.

And so was this this thing where like,

as a dad, you're like,

I know.

I'm right.

Yes.

I'm not saying I'm the greatest swimming coach of all time, but I am, I do know you're allowed.

You don't have to hold a plank.

Do you find out what the miscommunication was?

Someone, she'd gone, do I kick my legs like freestyle?

And they'd said, no, no, no, you can't do that.

You have to kick like a frog.

And she's just not heard.

Kick like a frog.

They've got, no, no, no, you can't do that.

I thought, anyway, I thought that she's just taken the guy that was miming it super seriously because he's standing up.

and that's also a chance which shows you who she will look at above her father as a as a swimming coach anyway the the rest of the events she did a great job she bowed out she bowed out after that and i that's okay han we can wait butterfly can wait till next year which was so good because

just from a life-saving perspective i was like there's definitely the big stick is coming out did you ever have the big stick jack i only

had a stroke because it was the least likely that i would drown but i was so unconfident unconfident about this swimming day.

It was my least favorite day of the year.

I got big sticked for a false start.

What?

Well, you couldn't get yourself out.

No, I jumped in, but I didn't know it was a false start.

And I just was thrashing down the pool.

And

I mistook all the screaming for like, he's killing it.

Because I was looking.

I was looking side to side going, I'm out in front.

And I've, oh my God, I didn't think I was a good swimmer at all.

Like, I've done this.

And then I got hit by the big stick.

And I even was pushing the big stick.

It's a rival school.

I was like, what are you doing?

I'm winning the race.

Get off me.

Thanks for listening.

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