Bowen Yang asks about diner orders

This is a Head Gum Podcast.

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Cheers.

Hello, and welcome to the Handsome Podcast, the most handsome podcast this side of the Mississippi.

I am one of your hosts, Tignotaro.

And I am one of your other ones, Mae Mae Martin.

And I'm another one, Fortune Feemster.

And it is three of the most handsome hosts of the Handsome Podcast.

Woohoo!

Yeah, baby.

Am I driving at home a little too hard?

Am I trying desperately to convince people?

That we're handsome?

I don't think we need to convince anyone.

Okay.

It's all about how handsome you feel in your heart.

I feel handsome,

but my eyesight is terrible, and I'm not sure if how I feel inside is matching on the outside because I can't see myself.

I think I need to get a different prescription for my eyeballs.

Is it getting worse, you think?

I know for a fact.

I know for a fact.

Yeah.

I was walking to meet Max and Finn and Stephanie in a hot tub, and I was like, oh, I need to get my glasses.

Right.

Or else you're going to have to crawl along and feel the edge.

I mean, it just was a blur.

Them sitting in the hot pot.

It was a blur.

Oh, my God.

Anyway.

Yeah.

I got to get that sorted before I get back to Star Trek.

Because when I left Star Trek, I could

see my surroundings and I can't anymore.

Oh, no.

Right.

But that might, it might give you a kind of mysterious air because you'll be slightly squinting in a kind of handsome way, kind of looking a little dazed.

Oh, well, you haven't seen me on Star Trek, I guess, because I am mysterious and handsome already.

Oh, shit.

I love that.

Yeah, Fortune loves it.

I love it.

Absolutely loves it.

How are you, Fortune?

I'm doing good.

I'm having a nice day.

Got myself a coffee this morning and a breakfast burrito.

What's in your burrito?

It was

egg and cheese and some hash browns and a little guac and a little sour cream.

Although I think I'm over melted cheese right now.

I wanted to not have the cheese on there.

Over melted cheese?

That's crazy talk.

It's because I had some pizza a couple weeks ago and it was

my friends ordered double cheese

and it was too much.

And now I'm having a

break from cheese moment.

I bet there are people outraged listening right now, going, There is no such thing as too much cheese.

You think that, but everyone in the group agreed it was too much.

Okay.

Because I led the charge at first.

I'm like, this is a lot of cheese.

I don't know about this.

And then, and they were like, you're crazy.

And then they agreed.

They're like, oh, it's too much cheese.

In general, I'm not a big,

even vegan cheese person.

Every now and then on a burger, but there are some really fancy vegan cheeses that if they're not melted, you know, in that kind of situation, and you're just using as a dip with a cracker or something, they're so good.

They're so good.

Yeah.

And I know there's also people yelling right now, there's no such thing as good vegan cheese.

And you are wrong.

You're all wrong.

Listen, I love cheese.

Y'all know how I feel about a charcuterie board.

It's just the melted cheese right now I'm taking a break from.

Okay.

Okay, I'll cancel the fondue I was going to send to your house.

I'm a big, big cheese guy.

Yeah.

I mean, normally I'm fine with it, but I just, yeah, I don't know.

I found myself a bench, which y'all know I love.

And I took my coffee and my burrito to the park bench and sat there and ate and

enjoyed life.

And it was lovely.

Did you have some special thoughts and feelings or just like, mmm, this is good?

Hold the cheese.

I had both where I was just eating a burrito and then other times where I was being reflective and thinking about life and all the things and going down, you know, different paths in my head.

It was a combo.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It'd probably be a fun thing to have people.

you know,

send in their little bench moments.

Oh, that's true.

Yeah.

That's true.

Yeah.

Handsome bench moments.

Yeah.

Send us your handsome bench moments.

If you're having fun, pleasant thoughts or deep, intense thoughts or even ginger thoughts.

You know, anything, we'll take any thoughts.

But I have to say, when I had my little bench moment, it was such a fun, like, oh my God, there's a bench.

And I certainly have sat on my share of benches, but it was a whole new experience

since your bench moments.

I have to admit, I think I missed the whole bench conversation, and I'm like, I'm on board.

I think benches are good.

I think benches are great, but I'm not.

I don't, I think I forget.

Like, did we talk about benches a lot?

We, we did at some point.

I don't remember.

I just said, I don't, I don't remember if it was part of a question, and I answered.

Somehow, I brought up that I really love sitting on benches.

Right.

Like, I'll go around, like, especially during the times I've been going through where it's just been a bit heavier.

I've been driving to like parks or, or if I'm on the road, I'll walk around town.

And if I see a bench, I really enjoy sitting on it.

And it just brings out a lot of like introspective thoughts.

Or I'm just enjoying the day and the sunshine.

So, yeah, I was just talking about loving a bench.

And then, then my mom and I have been doing some videos when I go visit her on the bench.

Yes.

Yeah.

Okay.

sharing her updates it's also so fun to just people watch on a bench yeah you do that too that is a grand old time you know what my favorite i keep getting on my algorithm or whatever one of my favorite types of videos that i see is picture this person

maybe they're eating a sandwich they're on their lunch break they go sit on a bench next to a statue.

You know how sometimes they have a statue on a bench?

But guess what?

It's not a statue.

It's a person in disguise.

And then the statue moves and the person goes,

I love that.

Oh, like, are you talking about those people like when you're in the French quarter in New Orleans or something?

Or you're somebody 10 man.

Yeah.

And they just stand very still.

And then I do love a good prank like that.

I think I would notice that that person, that it was not a statue.

I feel like I would know the difference.

Well, you'd smell the sweat and the paint as they're baking in the sun.

Yeah.

I would say you'd smell the pain.

Yeah.

I mean, it's

why are people doing that?

It's, it must be a community that's passionate about it because there are other easier things you could do, you know, to bus or whatever.

So it must be a, maybe there's a whole thing,

statue

community.

Clearly, there is.

I'm just curious what makes up the person that is like, I'm going to paint my body this metallic color and then go stand

out and not move for long stretches of time.

I think they like scaring people.

Maybe they like the, maybe there's a little sadism sprinkled in there because

that's pretty fun to spook people all day.

You get the screw and then a big laugh.

Why not just hide behind a bush and then jump out?

I mean, that's so much quicker.

You see somebody come and hide behind a bush, boo.

Boo.

He loves a bush.

What?

Fortune.

Marie.

I'm just saying, you love a bush.

I love a bench.

I love a

blush, a tank.

Yeah, your lip tanked.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm quitting this podcast.

No.

That was what pushed you over the edge.

Yes, I've had enough.

Don't do it.

I'm trying to get this conversation going about 10 people.

Which is an important conversation to have.

It is.

And hopefully those people get big tips when they do this and it makes it all worth it.

Big what?

Tips.

Okay.

All right.

I have to keep an eye on you.

Just a tip.

That would be a good,

you know, they put like a little sign on a jar by the tip jar.

Just the tip would be good.

Yeah, just the tip.

I'm guys, I'm eating a lot of cheese because I'm staying with my parents right now in Toronto and they love

a stinky cheese.

Like, I feel like you hit 70 and you just want salty morsels in your fridge, just the charcuterie type objects.

And so I've been eating cheese and then having vivid cheese dreams, talking in my sleep like crazy.

About cheese or cheese is causing weird dreams.

It's causing it.

That's a real proven scientific fact.

Okay, a May fact.

I don't know what that calls.

You don't know that cheese causes dreams?

No, I just know that it's not good for your skin and

it's pretty bad for you.

But it's good for your subconscious.

It torments you all night.

I don't like it.

Corner

dairy stinky cheese.

You don't like stinky?

Not super stinky.

I don't want to be smelling it.

Oh, really?

You know what I used to really be into when I was not vegan was a blue cheeseburger.

Yes.

I like that.

I like blue cheese dressing with my Hooter's chicken wings.

I know you do, girl.

Someone had sent me a Hooter's gift card for my birthday.

And

they're all closed in Southern California or in LA.

You're going to have to hunt one down.

You're not going to go on the road and use this gift card.

Oh, my goodness.

When you know you talk about something way too much, when people start sending you gift cards for it.

Tell me about it.

The stuff that I was getting on tour from handsome listeners.

And I'm like, well, I guess I'm obsessed with weird objects and crystals and marbles.

And vibrators.

And hello?

Wait, and

vibrators?

You're not given one of those?

Why do you keep doing this to our

wonderful conversation?

They posted a vibrator pick once and it like broke the internet.

What did you do?

Am I crazy?

Yes, yes, you are.

The only brand partnership I've ever done was for a sex toy, and I posted it.

But no, I don't get given vibrators on the road.

And how did you break the internet doing it?

It got

a lot of engagement.

Oh, okay.

Fortunate keeps tabs on the level of engagement.

Have I ever posted anything that's broken the internet?

Oh, yeah, you broke the internet with

your zombie picture

in the flight.

I didn't post that.

I didn't post that.

It doesn't matter.

It does.

I'm trying to figure out if I have ever broken the internet with anything.

We know you are not going to post anything.

So someone has to post it about you to break it.

Me?

Yeah.

I just posted some several days ago.

That's right.

I forgot.

But you hadn't been posting and now you're posting again.

Well, I don't know that I'm on an upswing of posting.

I do have days, though, where I'm like, man, I am going to get on this whole posting thing and I'm just going to like, this is the new me.

This is the new me.

And then

Insta stories constantly.

Get ready to pig.

I have to say, when I was in Toronto, I got way more

involved in Instagram than I had ever been.

Like, I had never posted a story until I lived in Toronto for Star Trek this last year.

That's loneliness, though.

That's like

where they were going with you.

Your family's not there.

You're just going to be able to do that.

And then as soon as I got home, I was like, now I know how to post stories and I get the whole stories thing, but I'm not like doing what I was doing before.

Right.

But

I really do have those moments where I'm like, man, I'm going to like.

I'm going to really get this going.

And I'm going to do a sex toy photo.

That's the thing.

Yeah.

I'll have to do that.

Can you do a TikTok dance?

I'm not on TikTok.

Okay.

What, May?

I regret it.

I was going to say, do you guys use vibrators?

I love how high your voice went.

I just, I just wanted to.

Because I don't, I got to say, I don't, if...

I don't really, I mean, I did the brand partnership for sure.

But, like, on my own, I'm not really using, I'm not really using them.

I might incorporate them.

That's surprising.

I thought you wouldn't be using one of those.

What constantly?

Hold on one second.

I just realized you do this sometimes when you talk.

I think when you talk about some uncomfortable, you put your finger on your nose.

Me?

Yeah, you do that.

Oh, my God.

You just.

Yeah, you do that.

That exact thing.

That exact thing.

Okay, you know what I noticed I do as well is because you know I have a phobia of being like shiny or oily.

So I'm constantly, if you're watching on YouTube, you'll see me like dabbing my face.

And that's what I'm doing.

And then guess what?

Not that we're beauty influencers, but we are

yourself.

Do you know what that is?

Yeah.

It's an oil thing.

It's an oil thing.

You already said it, Fortune.

Quick try that.

Get the point.

By the way, neither of us have the right words.

But

is it or is it not an oil thing?

It's an oil thing.

Yeah, well, I said it first, first, Fortune.

Sit down, sit down, sit down.

Oil thing.

Also, beauty influencers.

This is a.

Oh, my God.

We should be beauty influencers that fight.

And that don't know the words for anything.

Let go of my oil thing.

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Is there a proper word for it?

Yes, actually.

It's called a blotting paper.

And

since I was about 12 years old, my mom has been pushing these on me, like saying, you got to get into blotting paper because my mom's very oil-conscious.

She, I always wanted to be very matte, a matte creature.

Yeah.

So then today, I finally, she was like, Do you want some blotting papers for the road as I headed out?

And I said, Yeah.

And then look at me go.

I'm loving it.

So now I'm like, gosh,

what is this partnership?

No, this is just

blotting paper seems good for you if you're worried about oil.

That's a perfect marriage right there.

Absolutely.

And I think I just was rebelling against my mom for years.

Something about her saying the words blotting paper annoyed me.

I don't know why.

You know, fine, mom.

I don't need blotting paper.

It's not 1960 or whatever.

And then I don't know what that meant.

But then I would have just looked at my mother and said, say again.

And that would have put an end to the conversation.

I'm sorry.

Say that to me one more time.

Please.

Say it to me one more time.

Never enough

with a man like you?

What do you think?

I don't know what we're singing.

What is that?

And what's the person asking to hear again?

Say it to me one more time.

Is that a Lionel Ritchie song?

No.

What do they want the person to say?

This

is

like, do you use vibrator?

Well, isn't it do that to me one more time?

Do you guys?

In the song, do that to me one more time?

Do it to me one more Time.

Well, we're singing different songs.

Captain and Tenniel.

Do that to me one more time.

Oh, yeah, that's the song.

Once is never enough.

Don't think I haven't noticed

you.

That's all tig right there, y'all.

Do that to me one more time.

Once is never enough.

Oh, wow.

I didn't know I was capable of such a we didn't know you were capable of that.

Wow.

What a treat.

Can we loop that a few times on this episode, please?

I have noticed that neither of you answered the question about

that.

Interesting.

I am without those, I will tell you.

I do sometimes.

Yes.

Fortune.

Yes.

Fortune Marie.

Listen, I do sometimes as well.

So that's two against one, but it's just not my go-to usually.

Sounds like it's Fortune's 24-7.

Good lord, take a break.

You guys, I'm blushing.

I mean, I don't want to electrocute your slotting pad.

You need an oil thing.

Well, my concern, and we'll move off this topic for sure.

No, we won't.

We'll please stay on this as long as possible.

I want to know Fortune's schedule.

Well,

Jig Marie.

There's no schedule.

It's just, you know, when the mood takes you.

Yeah.

But my concern is that, like,

buzz, buzz, buzz.

Go on.

Go on.

I worry that I would get a, um, then I wouldn't be able to not use it if you know what I'm saying.

If you cash one of drift, like, you get it.

Then you get addicted to it.

Like, if you use it too much, yeah, it's not hard to.

Wait, can you say that?

Are you saying if you use it too much?

Yeah, like, I've dated a lot of.

Fortunate, are you worried?

Yes, you are.

Yeah.

I am not worried.

I'm sorry.

Are you saying

too many times?

Oh, my gosh.

How many times?

Go on, May.

I'm sorry.

Tig is rudely interrupting.

Tig, you are on one today.

Wow.

Did you have a bunch of decaf coffees or what?

You know what?

I had a little bit of regular coffee today, I will be honest.

And I did play doubles tennis with my family.

Whoa.

We can tell you're hopped up on life.

Who were the teams?

Well, we switched.

Everybody had a chance to be on everybody's team.

So we played for a little over an hour.

And

Max and Finn are just learning how to play tennis.

And Stephanie and I are just getting back into the swing of things with tennis.

But man, I cannot recommend.

Like, if you have two kids, that is a really good game to play, a really good sport to play.

Do you feel pressure to let them win, like not to go too hard on them?

No.

No.

Like,

pounce on them.

No, no, no.

No.

Finn is so competitive.

It's like, it's a whole thing.

It is like

so is Stephanie.

And so is Stephanie.

Okay.

And then you look at me and Matt.

You're not me.

I'm a college tennis player.

Fortune, those are truly getting bigger.

Your guns.

This is in.

Diesel things.

I mean, come on, man.

Everybody, you know,

calm down.

Look, I have, look at my guns.

Everybody's got the guns.

Come on.

Everybody's, everybody's pretty late.

I've got pretty good guns.

Guys, I just felt, I just felt like.

Wait, hold on, hold on.

My loved ones, I don't think.

Yeah, not much happening there.

It's this one.

But fortune.

Do you see mine?

Yeah, you guys get some great guns.

I just had a flash of how embarrassing it is how many times we've shown each other our guns on this podcast.

I just was like,

this podcast is just three of us being like, no, guys, no, look at that.

Three pretty little ladies and ladies

showing the guns.

Oh my gosh.

What?

We're proud of them.

This freaking treaded water is hard.

Hell yeah.

How many times a week are you treading now?

Twice?

Three or four when I'm home, like home, home.

But if I'm out, I'm traveling a lot like twice.

Fortune, that's insane.

That's incredible.

I will say, the last couple of weeks, I have been enjoying lollygagging in the pool.

Is that what you call using your vibrator?

Thank you.

That's a leaf blower.

Yeah, that is a leaf blower.

Which I also use.

I was going to say, sounds like you'll take anything.

Oh, my lord.

I see you so differently, Fortune.

But go on.

Well, you know,

it's those kind of times.

Yeah, man.

I'm actually, because I'm tomorrow I go to Portugal for a week with my family and there's a pool.

So I'm like, maybe.

There's a pool in Portugal?

There's one pool in Portugal.

There's one pool in Portugal.

And I'll

see you there.

One pool in

Portugal.

Won't you join me in the air?

This could be a jam.

One pool.

One pool in Portugal.

Just stop the stare.

How many times do I have to rhyme these words?

God, I really painted myself in a corner.

Okay, come on.

Tell us about the pool in Portugal, man.

I mean, I'm scared.

Don't give up.

Don't give up.

Tell us about the pool, buddy.

This song's gonna be a little bit more.

Tell us about your little swimming pool in Portugal.

I'm the one over here getting slammed for a vibrator.

Nothing's going to beat that song.

I was just going to say.

What song?

One pool.

Portugal.

Oh, my God.

Your dreams come true.

I was just simply going to say it might be a fun activity with my family to tread in the morning.

Oh, yes.

Yeah, that would be good.

So it would be the four of you.

Yeah, and my brother's wife.

One pole Portugal.

Oh, God, it's so hard.

Holding hands as a family.

We came here from Canada.

Thomas just wrote, Tig, can you move off the mic?

Oh, you're coming in too hot, Tig.

One Pole in Portugal.

Tig's coming in hot.

Yeah, I had a little caffeine this morning and

had no clue.

Yeah.

This is why I steered clear of it.

One bonnet.

Oh, here goes Fortune with the depuffer.

This is

a wild episode so far.

This is like

a minute.

Everything's making sense.

This is the vibrator.

De-puffer.

This is the depuffer for my face.

Oh,

looks good.

I feel so good, y'all.

Oh, it's getting loud.

Sorry.

That's all right, girl.

Are you excited for your trip with your family?

I am excited.

Yeah, it's like we haven't.

That's the answer of somebody excited.

Yeah, I am.

Yeah, I am excited.

Yeah, excited to go to one pool in Portugal with my family.

I love Portugal.

It's gorgeous.

Oh, you've been?

Yeah, many times.

Did you go to?

Because I lived in Spain.

I'm going to like a little island in the Azores, and it's the first time that we've all been on a plane together in like 20 years.

Like, it's gonna be it's gonna be crazy.

And I'm curious like they're my parents don't really use smartphones and they navigate the world in a different way.

So I'm like what do they use?

Like an un they unfold a map and stuff?

They use a book from Rick Steves.

Who's Rick Steve's?

Yeah, who's that?

Guys.

Two against one.

Tell us who Rick Steves is only the premier

tour person that people buy his books to get his recommendations to find out what cute little boutique hotels he loves, what cities he enjoys, where to go eat.

How dare you put some respect on Rick Steve's name.

Let me look up and make sure that is his name.

He was popular back in the day.

I don't, yep, American travel writer Rick Steves.

I mean, who doesn't want to listen to this guy?

I'm happy to listen to him.

I I just, you know, I'm just learning about him, but I don't need to be yelled at about Rick Steve.

He's on a bike in front of the Eiffel Tower

with a scarf.

Rick Steves.

70 years old.

Well, please send some pictures.

Fortune still talking about.

Sorry.

Rich Steve's.

Maybe do you have plans?

Do you know what you're doing?

One year.

I'll be in the one pool.

It's like, well, when you're a kid and you're flying with your parents, they're taking care of you.

They're like, do you you want a snack you want your crayon?

No, they weren't but no

I'm like mom.

What can I get you sit here?

Let me go get

dumped off of the airport with little Pins on our shirt that said American Airlines and then

Anyway, but go on your parents made sure you had things to eat Well, that'll I was just saying what Fortune's saying that that'll be me this time.

I'll be like trying to make sure they're hydrated.

And you know,

yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But we're going to go to hot springs.

We're going to go, we're gonna eat fish.

We're gonna see if my dad's still allergic to cod.

We'll find out.

Oh, do we want to test that?

Do we want to test that?

Are you going to see if you're still allergic to coconut?

I know that I am because I,

because of that, that woman that I told the lotion, yeah.

And my hand got all red and funny feeling because that woman put lotion on me.

Well, speaking of lotion, yeah, in a crazy twist in life,

I just got even, it's so funny that we were talking about this with meet and greets.

I just got approached to revisit meet and greets for my next tour.

Oh,

I think you should do it.

I don't know.

Tig's not really a meet and greet kind of gal.

I don't know.

Maybe we should turn it to the

to the listeners.

Like, should somebody like me do a meet and greet?

Well, they want to meet you, but the thing is,

I just don't want people grabbing my booty, you know.

Okay, well, what about if you or your dumpster tits?

I'll come with you.

Hey, off my dumpster tits, lady.

You'll come with me.

I'll come on tour with you, and then they can meet me after.

I'll do the meet and greets.

Maya's good at meet and greets.

You do the shows, and then I'll do the meet and greets.

They can grab my booty.

Oh, look at that.

That's perfect.

That is nice.

You can like you can set it so that it's only a certain number.

Yeah, that's what I mean.

You're not spending like a crazy amount of time on it.

How long do your main greets last?

Me?

Well, I

probably been about, I put a cap on like 30 people, and so it would, it would take a good hour, hour and a half, because I was chatting a lot.

You can't, you can't stop me.

That's, that's a long time.

I think I kept mine at 40.

Uh-huh.

And it probably is about 45 minutes.

whoa in and in and out so people are getting a minute oh they get a big hug though and that's nice yeah and i and they get pictures hugging me and then then the pictures together like this i sign their little they get

the guns out they get um what is this called uh a uh bro credential they get a vip vibrantial Oh, credential.

And I sign it.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

I mean, we're just efficient.

I have a pretty amazing tour manager that keeps it.

See, I'm having, I'm talking about astrology.

I'm talking, I'm getting deep with everybody.

So it does take a while.

Tigs will last 20 minutes for 50 people.

Keep it moving.

They just walk past me and I go, hi.

Nice to meet you.

Keep it moving.

No, I,

yeah, it's, it's just an interesting thing to, um, to consider.

And especially right after it came up after that Eureka Springs and the discussion we had.

But, you know, I'll think about it.

I'll see what our listeners say.

Should I do a meet and greet?

Maybe we could do a poll on social media.

Yeah, should

I do a meet and greet as long as nobody touches my sweet, sweet booty booty hole.

I'm Peter Sagal.

NPR is very serious, mostly.

It treats newsmakers with all due respect, almost all the time.

It brings you the most important information about the issues that really matter, usually.

And it never asks famous people about things they don't know anything about, except once in a while.

Join us for the great exception.

Listen to Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the news quiz from NPR.

Don't touch Tig's booty hole when you're in Portugal.

I was going to say in Pakistan.

One booty in Pakistan.

I got pulled over by the Portugal police.

You did?

For swimming in the pool?

No, I was,

I guess

I got in the speed trap.

I went off the freeway to take a more scenic route.

Yeah.

And when I got off the freeway, they were just pulling people over left and right for speeding.

Why were you speeding through a scenery?

I didn't know what the speed limit was.

But shouldn't you be driving slower if you're looking at things?

Well, I was getting to the scenic route.

I was on route to it, and it was kind of scary because they pulled me over, and I had to take my passport and left for like 45 minutes with it.

Whoa, that was scary.

What are you like when you get pulled over?

Is that the only time you've been pulled over?

No, I've gotten pulled over a couple times in my

life for speeding.

Do you get nervous?

I'm good.

I'm sorry.

Are you an aggressive driver, Fortran?

No, it's um no, it's just

in my life.

I've maybe been pulled over four times.

Uh-huh.

I don't think that's crazy.

No, that's not too bad.

Let's see.

One, two, three, four.

Five times.

Five times.

Wow.

The fact that you can count.

I'm good at counting.

I don't get pulled over much.

I'm good at counting.

I don't get pulled over much because Stephanie does most of the driving.

Right.

And so she gets pulled over.

And we've been together for 12 years.

So that's really cut into my amount of

I love driving.

I'll be the one that drives y'all around.

It drives us crazy.

Wait, we haven't got our question yet.

Oh, hey, we should get to it.

Let's do it.

I'm excited about this one.

I mean, I always am.

Let's be clear.

Let's be clear.

Let's be queer and let's be clear.

Yeah.

Today's question asker is an actor, comedian, and podcast host who's written for and performed on SNL since 2018.

He hosts the hit podcast Las Culturistas, which is airing a culture awards special on Bravo and Peacock on August 5th.

I'm pumped about that.

He started in movies like Fire Island and Wicked.

Bowen Yang is asking today's question.

Woo!

Love him.

Hi, Tig.

Hi, May.

My question is: what is your diner order?

And what does that say about you?

What?

Okay, let's unpack this.

Oh my gosh.

Wait.

Wow.

Wait, that's the first time that's ever happened.

That is the first time.

Let me say, I am so glad I wasn't the one left out because

I would be so happy.

I'm fine.

I'm fine, you guys.

You don't have to leave me in my leaf blower alone.

You don't have to pretend to be fine.

No, you go home and blow up your leaf blower in the

self-suit.

I'm sure he went to, in his head, he probably said it.

Yeah, for sure.

And you know what?

I'll switch it out.

You can pretend like he said your name and he didn't say mine.

Okay, that will help.

So the question was, what's wrong with you?

I still love him, though.

He's so funny.

I know.

And his podcast, Las Culturistas with Matt Rogers, is so funny.

I don't know if you guys have listened, but.

So funny.

And they've had everyone on it and they're hilarious.

Yeah.

And they have these great bits that they pull from it for social media.

This I don't think so honey moment, where for a whole minute you rant about something, and it's one of my favorite things to watch.

It is really good.

That's great.

Wait, the question was, what's your diner order?

Oh, okay.

I forgot what the question was because I was a little distracted.

Well, you were, you were freaking out, let's be honest.

We were all freaking out.

I mean, you know, I have to say, I had a really classic diner order the other day, which

I don't typically order this,

but it was so good.

And actually, when we were talking about cheese earlier and vegan cheese,

I had a full-on

Beyond Meat burger with vegan cheese and onion rings.

Oh, onion rings.

I love an onion ring.

I love onion rings.

I love them, but also sometimes when the whole onion comes out of the, you know what I mean?

You can't.

Get a bigger problem, May.

Get a bigger problem.

I thought you were going to say sometimes it's too crispy.

I love a really crispy onion ring.

Oh, me too.

Me too.

I got dip in ketchup.

Get out of my way.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So I just had that order days ago.

Okay.

That's pretty, that is classic.

And do you have it with fries or salad or what?

Onion rings, May.

Oh, my God.

I'm so sorry.

But it is, there are some places that let you do half and half.

Half fries, half onion rings.

And that is a real treat.

What a generous restaurant that lets you do half onion rings.

For real.

More people should.

Why wouldn't they?

You know what I love that's half and half that Stephanie still is like, what are you doing?

I do half soups.

Do you do those?

Oh, no.

What do you mean?

Where you have the bowl, you have them put half of one flavor of soup and then you have the other flat you have them put the other half in and you do you have a 50 50 bowl of soup give them give us two of your favorites together well i mean anything like lentil soup and tomato soup you know wow

anything anything anything anything is that is that a thing or you are you just investigate no it's no it's a thing it and it's uh it's something you can do

i'm trying to imagine like a chicken noodle with a tomato or something.

That's crazy.

Well, you don't always have to throw a tomato in there.

Yeah.

Everything has to be part tomato, part something else.

That's a strong flavor.

Tomato

soup.

Chicken soup and lentil would be pretty good.

Yeah, like I would have to go broth to broth or cream to cream, but I don't know if I'd want to do like...

Broth to cream.

You say this until you have it and it's so delicious.

Yeah, I guess I'll have to try it at a Whole Foods one of these days.

I want to be in charge of it.

I don't want someone doing it for me.

Why wouldn't you be in charge of it?

Nobody's going to like barrel over there at Whole Foods and be like, Excuse me, excuse me.

No, I'm saying if you like went to a restaurant and was like, hey, can you give me half this?

Then they're in charge of it.

I would do this experiment at like a Whole Foods.

Right, where you're doing the amounts and the ratios and the ladling.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Did you guys know that

diners use use it.

I was going to say, I'll have what she's having or something, but then I couldn't think of how to say it.

Was that when Harry met Sally?

Yeah, that's my only diner reference, but I think that diners originated as train carriages, and they were called lunch cars.

Mayfact, Mayfact.

You don't seem confident about this, Mayfact, though.

No, it's really coming from the deep recesses of my mind.

Mayfalls, Mayfalls.

Mayfalls.

My diner order would be

a chicken schnitzel, mashed potatoes, gravy, and some steamed broccoli or something, but like steamed so much that it's like mush almost.

Or peas.

I love peas.

I love peas.

But also, I just a classic breakfast, crispy bacon, rye toast, fried eggs, and

a black coffee, drip coffee that they're refilling.

And then you pretend that you're in like the 50s and you're like a beat poet and that you're kind of hungover and you're like,

the $2.99 breakfast, please.

You know, and you got your little

bag.

Yeah.

And do you roll your jeans up, your blue jeans up, cuff them at the bottom?

And you put your pack of cigarettes into your sleeve or your t-shirt.

I did eat at a diner with May when we had our live show in Austin.

And Maybe I was ordering like a king.

I'll have one more of this and one more of that.

Add this.

I was like, was I?

Whoa, cool.

Fancy, May.

Why wasn't I invited?

i think you know

i think we were flying out yeah my flight got delayed

but i had a hash brown i remember that much and it was tasty i love a hash brown i remember there was a diner uh when i lived in denver that had like a fried fish sandwich like um you know kind of like a mcdonald's style low rent where it's like in a square and you know tartar sauce and yeah you know i remember really liking that it's just so soothing, the atmosphere, because it's like you're out at a restaurant, but there's no airs and graces.

It's like casual home cooking.

You're like, the waiters are going to be friendly.

Like, you're, I, it's a nice place to be.

I could sit in a diner all day.

Yeah, I do like a diner, too.

Yeah.

If I'm going to a diner in the breakfast, I'm not really a breakfast for dinner kind of gal.

I know some people love that.

I, if I'm eating breakfast, I prefer it in the breakfast hours.

And I'm usually doing a hash brown, extra crispy.

I'm doing like a

one scrambled egg.

I don't like it when they give me like three because I know I'm not going to eat it and I don't like to be wasteful.

Okay.

I like your style.

And then I like either like one waffle or one pancake.

Something sweet and salty, right?

Yeah.

Have you been to Millie's on Sunset in Silverland?

I think that is.

Oh, that's a great diner-y breakfast place, but they do these waffles that are so fluffy.

And

you can do like a, or you can do a single pancake.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Gluten-free blueberry pancake if you want.

Do you remember when it was popular to have fat-free stuff?

Oh, yeah.

That was big when I was a kid.

It was so funny.

Stephanie and I were just talking about that the other day.

Just people that were on fat-free diets where they'd be like, they'd stock up on fat-free cookies and fat-free crackers and fat-free cheese and

waffles and pancakes.

But now we know fats are healthy and good, right?

Like now we don't do fat-free.

We do like gluten-free.

Yeah, I mean, there's no world.

Any of that stuff is like, if you're getting serious about your health, you're not going to get like 10 boxes of fat-free cookies.

But that was the fat.

I talk about it in stand-up right now.

I had to go to a nutrition class, and it was all about counting fat grams

when did you do that when i was 12.

my mom signed me up for a nutrition class what did you learn nothing

after like nothing stuck with you no

because it's probably all outdated now too it was yeah it was like it was counting fat grams it was like and so they were just making foods

I joked that we I went from eating chip sahoy cookies to snack wells.

They just made other cookies that said fat-free.

So everyone was like, oh, well, these, I can eat these because they're fat-free.

And that meant nothing.

Right.

That's what I used to think.

I think I had a bit about that too, with like Twinkie Lights is what they were called.

And they were just like half the size of normal Twinkies.

So I was like, okay, now I can have two.

You know, it's just like.

Do you like Twinkies?

I did as a kid.

I haven't had them in decades.

They weren't really big in Canada, but we had Joe Louie's, which are kind of the equivalent in that it's like a Thomas is nodding.

It's like a,

how would you describe it?

Joe Louis?

It's like a chocolate cake, like the consistency of kind of one of those like little Debbie type cakes.

And it has a vanilla inside cream.

And it's dipped in chocolate, but it comes like individually wrapped.

And it's, it, it never goes out of date like it, I don't know, like

the last 20 years.

Curve style.

I actually have a story.

which is

a story I'm gonna volunteer it because my mom the last we'll edit all this out we'll edit this out

the last thing she ate before she gave birth to me was a Joe Louie so my name was almost Joe Louie Willette because

I thought we should name

me Joe Louie Joe Louie that explains not look like a Joe Louie but it explains a lot like that's such a joyful snack and the fact that and they would have been in like a vending machine in the hospital or something probably

and you have a joyful Joe Louie energy yeah

wait who was the Joe Louie I can morph your face into Joe Louie no problem

who was Joe Louie chocolate did Joe Louie work in a button factory it's oh it's a combination of

two of them

here we go oh guys interesting it was a uh well, you be the judge if it's interesting.

It does not refer to the boxer Joe Louie.

It's a combination of the names of two of the Vashon sons.

That's the company that made the snacks, Joseph and Louie.

And then it said, the popular misconception arises because the cake resembles a chocolate version of the Mae West, which was named after the actress Mae West.

Anyway, you like that?

I love that.

Loved it.

Let's hear it again.

Let's hear it one more time.

I loved it.

Every second of it.

I would have bet my life that it was named after the boxer Joe Louie.

So there you go.

I've never even heard of Joe Louie.

I zoned out on all of this.

That's fair.

How dare you?

If I'm going to a diner at night.

Yeah.

Oh, back to this.

I want a good, like, either a cheeseburger

or a club sandwich.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, my gosh.

A BLT.

Oh,

those, something about that sourdough bread toasted at these diners

is so good.

Yeah.

And it's like a vegan bacon in there.

And if they could give me half fries, half onion rings, I'd be real pumped.

I would prefer 50 soups.

I either want crinkle cup fries or skinny fries.

Crinkle cup fries for me.

I don't want the big fat fries.

I don't want.

I don't want

curly fries.

And I don't want.

I don't like Cajun flavor on the fruit.

Me neither.

And I'm like, get that.

Stop it.

Just stop it.

Stop it.

I could do a little Cajun flave, but

I don't want the orange ones.

Yeah, when the dust all accumulates in one bit and then you have one that's way too flavorful.

And then if I'm feeling really naughty,

tell

milkshake.

Or banana split.

I mean, come on, you're already at a diner.

Might as well get a banana split.

Go for it.

Yeah.

I'm not.

This makes me want to go to a diner.

I haven't had a banana split in like 25 years, and I don't know why I'm counting milkshake

with real bananas, though.

Oh, banana milkshake with real bananas?

That is good.

Wait, what do you mean real bananas?

There's not real bananas in bananas.

Some people use the powder.

It is disgusting.

You need a real chopped up bananas in this.

I've never heard of banana powder.

It's out there.

Oh, it's like, and it tastes like medicine.

It's like, yeah, it's not good.

It's out there, baby boo.

Oh, I love when you call me that.

That's all I want to call you now.

I don't think I look like baby boo with my military haircut.

Yes, you do.

I've seen that soft side.

I've seen that soft side of you, baby boo.

Well, there's always a soft side under, you know, tough guy, military head.

Yeah, I've seen G.I.

Jane.

There's a soft side.

I bet you guys have not watched this, the

queer ultimatum on Netflix.

Have any of y'all watch it?

You've been watching it?

Yeah, of course.

I just started the new season.

It's pretty interesting.

I've seen all of it.

No, you haven't.

Do you take the you want me?

You want me to tell you what it is?

Sure.

Well,

it's these

lesbian couples.

I don't know.

There's maybe like seven, six of them.

I don't know.

And they give their partner an ultimatum.

One person has given their partner an ultimatum.

We either get married or we break up.

Yeah.

And then they go on

television as you do when you've been given an ultimatum.

Yeah.

And you meet these other couples that have also given ultimatums.

Wait, I'm sorry.

Are you saying ultimatum or old tomato?

Old.

I almost spotted.

Old everybody.

Old tomato.

Old tomatoes.

Old tomatoes.

No, the prep.

Please, can it be

the old tomato queer addition?

Old tomatoes.

Because I would be on the old tomato show.

Like if I had to just grow tomatoes.

I remember the colour.

I was giving the other one an osmotic.

That's the old.

Yeah, I'll host the queer old tomato, and then I'll give the winner an old tomato.

Everyone has to live on a farm i'm

go on so then you mingle with all the other couples because what's going to happen is you are going to pick someone from another couple to live with for three weeks and pretend to be married to them complete stranger and then you do that for three weeks you pretend Yeah.

And they go, well, you might, you might hook up with them, but you don't, you might not.

You don't have to.

These are people who are like about to maybe get married and then they go live for three weeks.

So they all fall in love with their new partner they do oftentimes and yeah like half of them do yeah half of them hate each other and some of them have sex yeah they do technically you know what per the rules they're broken up and then the other but then the partner finds out and flips out so i don't wait why do they go on this show i don't even understand why you would they want to produce this

because they want to be famous yeah i don't think anyone's doing it because it's going to help their relationship that is what is that on?

I'm kind of curious.

It's on Netflix.

Why don't they have straight old tomatoes?

They do.

Dick Lachey and his wife, Vanessa, host it.

This is the gate, the lesbian version.

Hosted by a

random straight woman who just looks real out of place.

But

she does a good job.

So a straight woman hosts the queer old tomato?

Yeah.

Yeah.

And on season one, there was a good moment where they were like, someone went, are you queer?

to the host, one of the contestants, and she was like, No, I'm not.

She's so sweet, though.

She is.

You should watch season one, Tig.

It's just how many seasons are there, dose, my friend.

And is it still being made or is it like something from the past?

No, it's this just came out and the second season.

And it's pretty fascinating, don't you think, Meg?

It's to see how these couples act.

Yes, it's gripping because you think, wow, I wonder if I was filmed if my like patterns would be that obvious.

Like, like, they are so easily psychoanalyzable like you know what i mean you just see their communication break down and all the yeah i would be lying if i said that i that i didn't ask my agent to ask if i could host it i tried so hard i could see you i could see you hosting that i tried so hard they forget their partners in like two seconds tig yeah it's wild and they've been with their partners how long anywhere from four years to ten years yeah

Sometimes they end up, sometimes, you know what?

Early on in the process, they say, actually, you know what?

This is fucked.

I want to be with my person.

And they leave the process or whatever.

And often at the end of the process, they'll say, no, I wanted to leave with who I came with.

But I'd say like 50% of the time, they're going, I have never felt this way about this new, this new person is amazing.

Listen, I strongly feel people should not go on reality TV.

So

because

a new, like, it's impossible for, let's take the 10-year couple.

It is impossible to compete with some new, exciting thing that, like, you're doing for three weeks where you're the best versions of each other.

You're telling each other all this amazing things.

And then you got your old ball and chain, you know, with the being the real bummer over there.

It's like, of course, it's going to mess with your mind.

Of course.

And you're in this intense environment,

which you're bonding over.

It's all adrenalized and sexy.

and like, yeah.

And now, here's my question: it started.

Did the straight old tomato start, or did the queer one start?

The straight started first.

Oh, so the straight one started.

I watched it, and I thought, this is so toxic.

All these like heteronormative kinds of this obsession with marriage.

And, and I thought, that's so straight.

Then they did the queer one.

It was 10 times as toxic.

It was like, it's pretty toxic.

It is.

Wow.

It's like more head fucky, more play like

okay i'm gonna watch this and i'm gonna you know stuff

it's so crazy too because like there's this one girl who's like um found out that her partner slept with the pretend wife or whatever and she's like i can't believe you would do this and like this is so crazy you don't even love me and but she was also sleeping with her pretend wife and i'm like What are you doing?

You know, like that's crazy.

I'm just coming out on TV.

Yeah, I'm like, they're gonna they're gonna see what you did so why is everyone pretending how do you go home for the holidays after you do this you know what i mean like after this is on reality tv how do you head home for the holidays and

so exciting you know what i mean i mean it's gonna be a little awkward i am always like i think they have a lot of them break up like even if they stay together like that At the end of the show, they basically have to decide, are you staying with your person or are you going off?

off i mean go home for a holiday eventually and see your extended family you know what i mean i know after you've created such a circus i know i always don't think they're thinking about that stuff you know i'd be thinking about the holidays you're not gonna you also are not gonna go on a reality show no giving your wife an ultimatum oh my god oh my god i always feel like they i'm like do they i don't think they because it's not like these are seasoned reality stars going on these shows.

These are young people like from small towns often.

I'm like, do they give these people mental health support afterwards?

Because I don't think they know what they're getting into.

And then I worry about, not to bring it down, but I do work.

I worry about their brains, you know?

You didn't bring it down.

Queer Old Tomato brought it down.

Oh, I don't know.

I'm like, I can't wait to watch.

I need a six-year-old, 50- to six-year-old version of Old Tomato.

I have not been so excited to watch something since the Titanic came out.

I think you should start with season one.

Okay, of course.

Why wouldn't you?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

And it is so fascinating because it's such a study of human behavior.

And

you do think, God, what would I do in this situation?

Should we hear Bowen's question or answer?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Well, I needed to tell y'all about that.

I'm so glad you did.

For me, it's scrambled eggs plus bacon,

hash browns or home fries, what have you, potato side,

some rye toast.

I think what that says about me is that I'm a little salty, but I've got different textures.

I contain multitudes.

There's something for everyone.

Or conversely, I love, if it's an option, a French onion soup, which means that I am again salty, but

I'm cozy.

I like cozy stuff.

And

I

have a few key ingredients in my life that kind of take center stage, whatever that means.

Okay.

Thanks, guys.

You're welcome.

Sorry, Bowen.

That was some random person that just chimed in.

You know what I also have to say I love at a diner is like, of course, it's a vegan butter, but like buttered toast with jam.

I really love it.

be a skid.

How about when you're a kid and you and you take you take one of those little packets of jam and you put it in your pocket and you leave and you take it on the road, you know, and you feel like you really got one over on everyone.

I got some jam in my pocket.

Can I say ready to rock?

Bowen was so funny on overcompensating that Amazon show, but Bowen and Matt Rogers play a couple in it and they're they're best friends in real life and they are so funny as this couple who are on Grindr.

And anyway, you got to watch it.

It's great.

All right.

Well, that was all over the place.

That was more and more random bopping from

the most bizarre things, but what a treat

to be here with you guys.

That's what our questions are supposed to do is just get us a thinking and chatting, and it works.

And if you enjoyed this episode, send it to a friend.

I know I say that, but stop right now.

Stop what you're doing right now.

That's right.

Stop.

What if they're doing a surgery?

Well, stop.

Stop doing the surgery.

Send this episode to a friend.

Rate,

review the podcast, and also subscribe.

And then subscribe to our YouTube channel.

Help us build the community so we can keep this precious pod.

afloat.

Anyone have anything coming up?

Well, Fortune and I are going to be in Montreal.

I'm there.

I'm doing a show the 25th and the 26th in Montreal at Just for Laughs.

If there's still tickets, please come.

And other than that, I'm just

taking a vacation.

So check out my music on Spotify.

My album's called I'm a TV.

Yeah.

I'm going to go do Pride, a Pride show in Reykjavik, Iceland.

Come to that show on August 8th.

And then my tours continuing in September: San Antonio, Houston, Norfolk, Virginia, Richmond, Virginia, D.C., Boston, Portland, Maine, Mobile, New Orleans, Atlanta, all these places.

Wonderful.

And I

will be on August 17th, West Hampton Beach Performing Arts Center in West Hampton Beach, New York.

And then I will be at

Provincetown Town Hall in P-Town on August 23rd.

And then the Beau Rivage

Resort and Casino in Biloxi, Mississippi on September 27th.

I'm also working out new material at Largo, Dynasty Typewriter, and Comedy Bar bouncing between LA and Toronto.

So come check me out, tignotaro.com for all the information.

Also, let me know if I should do meet and greens.

Curious what people will think.

And until next time,

keep it in.

Keep it in.

Handsome.

Handsome is hosted by me, Mae Martin, Tig Notaro, and Fortune Feemster.

The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Willette.

Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com and please follow us on social media at handsome pod.

What a podcast.

What a podcast.

What a podcast.

That was a head gun podcast.

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