Pretty Little Episode #49

This is a head gum podcast.

Pretty little episode.

Welcome to the Handsome Pod.

This is a pretty little episode with me and Fortune Feemster.

That's right.

And May and I are doing this episode in person.

It's really nice.

We've never done a pretty little episode in person.

It's great to be on this comfy couch with you.

You're looking very, very Mae Martin, very like all black.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Trying to be cool like you.

I've just been using my depuffer, and you know.

Yeah, I used my depuffer today.

You did?

Yeah.

Okay.

Hopefully, that helped.

It really does help, I think.

And I saw the pictures you had talked about in an episode of wearing a tank on stage.

Saw the pics.

Look good, bud.

Thank you.

It's the new me.

It's the summer me.

I can't believe you haven't done it before.

You seem like a tank top wearing performer.

Thanks.

It doesn't, for comedy, it seems weirdly like...

Too exposed.

Yeah, and too, like, you can't be...

I don't know.

It's not too confident.

For comedy, but, you know, for music, people, I feel like people want a bit of swagger.

And I saw a video.

You look cool up there playing your guitar and singing.

I wish, I mean,

I wish I had a show where we were in the same city and you could come on and we could do a duet.

I know you were talking about us maybe doing something and I think Tig was out of town and I didn't know my schedule.

We'll figure it out.

To get the handsome band a surprise.

The handsome band.

I mean, we could do ironic.

Yeah, we could.

I could be Atlantis.

You could.

That would be great.

That would be very cool.

What's been going on?

It's a very hot day today.

It is.

We're in the thick of summer in L.A., which, you know, I always forget, though, L.A.'s the hottest in August and September.

Oh, God.

So it's just a preview.

Oh, my God.

I was playing foosball today.

I play for hours a day.

By yourself?

No, that would be crazy.

Sprinting around in a circle.

Because it's in your house?

It's out back, yeah.

And so, and my friend Matt has moved into my back house

with his girlfriend for like six months.

So are you liking this setup?

I don't like to be alone with my thoughts too much.

So it's good to have them in there like separate.

They got their own kitchen.

Yeah.

But he's an insane foosball player, like just misspent youth.

And he loses his sense of humor when he plays.

He gets totally serious.

And we were playing in the hot sun and I got so I mean, I've beaten him twice and we've played maybe 6,000 games.

Whoa.

He's very good in this.

He's so good in the stuff that I hear myself say to him out of rage.

Like that I told him to burn in hell today.

Oh my god.

Are you just very competitive?

Or is it just with him?

I am in general, but with him, there's something so infuriating about the fact that he's not smiling and he's just slamming that ball in goal after goal.

Thomas has seen him play.

It's like it's good.

He beat me like three times in a row.

And I had a fooze ball table when I was a kid, so I consider myself like a decent

playing anyone else, you'd be crushing them.

Yeah, that's how I feel.

I'm getting really good from playing him.

Yeah.

But he's unstoppable.

He's like past him.

Past stoppable.

What's that?

It's a song.

But it's I'm unstoppable.

Yeah, he He is.

He's Unstoppable.

Well, I'm glad you have that to entertain yourself with.

Yeah, I'm getting that.

You created quite a pad between

this table and your sauna.

I mean, I think you're living the life.

Do you think?

It feels like it.

I feel like it's reflective of like,

yeah, kind of...

a kind of bachelor mindset, but I've always been like that.

I want games.

I have a multi-cade arcade game that's like my most prized possession.

Do you play?

Yeah, it's just pretty loud because you know it's old school.

Yeah.

But you just turn it on and play all these games.

Pac-Man, Gallagher,

or is that what it's called?

Where you shoot the airplane.

Why is my mind totally blank?

Yeah, same.

Yeah, the airplanes that go.

What is that game?

Gallagher.

Yeah, Galaga.

Okay.

And the Donkey Kong, and then like Mr.

Pac-Man.

All these things.

It's great.

Miss Pac-Man.

Did you ever see the documentary King of Kong?

I did not.

It's like Christopher Guest made it.

Like, it could be scripted.

It's so amazing.

It's about people who are obsessed with Donkey Kong, and they're trying to beat the record.

And there's like a villain, there's a hero,

and their lives are falling apart because of this game.

Like, they are obsessed.

There's a cheat scandal.

Like, you got to watch King of Kong.

Okay.

Yeah.

Good to know.

They all have sort of mullets.

And yeah.

You would love it, Fortune.

Yeah.

I'll check it out.

Yeah.

What have you been doing?

You've been racing around, and Fubar's out.

Fubar is out, which is great.

I've just been so...

My whole month of June was insane.

Yeah.

July is better.

Yeah.

So.

But better for you is still insane for most.

I'm pretty busy, but I will.

I think I...

I think time management I'm good at.

Yeah, you are.

You don't have an assistant, which blows my mind.

I think I've somehow just figured out a way to, like, slot things in and you know yeah it just requires like

some

real

attention to the calendar and yeah to details and I figure it out.

Do you have a physical calendar?

No, it's all on my Google calendar.

See I need it visually really yeah I got like an old school yeah but I you know I work really hard and

schedule the crap out of myself.

Yeah.

But then I will make time for the things I need to make time for.

Yeah.

Same.

And I will stand firm on that.

Same.

Yeah.

When I got back from tour, I was like, I have to.

And I'm still, I'm doing ADR and stuff.

But I was like, I have to get a massage.

And I went to the Korean spa.

I had a facial.

Uh-huh.

Never have facials.

It was 85 minutes.

The facial was?

Yeah.

That's a long facial.

And right before I went in, my friend said, hope you don't get claustrophobic.

And as soon as she said that, I was like, oh my God, I'm trapped.

And then I did get claustrophobic.

Yeah.

And she was like poking me, popping me.

Yeah.

And I think an hour facial is good.

I think that's good.

But I like, I would, I don't mind an 80-minute massage.

Oh, give me 120 minutes.

Yeah.

Walk on me.

Oh, yeah.

I like that too.

I like the thigh massage.

It's so good.

Do they crack you?

I don't like the cracking.

Okay, I love it.

But I don't mind the walking.

I just like to be walked on.

Stephanie.

I love a massage.

It's one of my favorite things.

I know we've talked about it on the pod, but that I'm a registered Shiatsumasu.

That's right.

Yeah, I just like to remind you.

You don't do anything with it, but you are.

Well, you don't know what I do.

True, I don't know what happens behind closed doors

on your dates or whatever.

I'm moonlighting in a Thai massage place.

Yeah, I just booked an Airbnb in August for a couple weeks in Lake Arrowhead.

Oh, that'll be good.

To try to chill out.

But I'm already inviting too many people.

Oh, you got a bunch of people coming.

I'm inviting some fun randoms who not randoms, but like people I haven't seen in years or haven't reconnected with.

Like I invited these two girls I went to middle school with who are still friends.

Yeah.

It'll be really fun.

And we're going to play all these games that are to do with like...

the people we went to school.

Like remember all the names of everyone in our class and all our teachers.

You know, I can't let go of anything.

I'm so nostalgia driven.

Well, that's all right.

Yeah, it'll be good.

You'll have have a good time.

Yeah.

Well, should we get to some questions?

Yeah, we should.

All right.

Let's do it.

Hi.

We're calling from Oakland, California.

I'm Alice, and this is my cousin.

I'm Chelsea, and this is my mom.

I'm Debbie.

And we have a question for you.

When you're dreaming about flying, do you flap your arms like wings or

soar like a super person?

Oh, Oh, wow.

Do you dream about flying?

Constantly.

You do have dreams?

Yes, you don't.

I do not, no.

Never had a flying dream.

I don't think so.

Not that I recall.

I don't remember a lot of my dreams.

Yeah.

I don't know what that means.

Yeah, we should Google what that means.

No flying dreams versus flying dreams.

But also, yeah, maybe you're just not a big dreamer.

I have to do like the breaststroke.

So I have to get up usually by jumping.

And each time I jump, gravity gets less.

And then once I'm up, I'm doing this breaststroke to kind of stay in place.

And usually the context is some kind of schoolyard bullies, and I'm going,

think you can do this?

And then, and they're like, bullshit, you can't fly.

And I'm like, watch me.

And then usually I do that.

Hilarious.

And then there's another version where the only way I can fly is to step off a giant building.

Oh, take the rest.

That's scary.

It's so scary.

And it's just like.

Are you flapping your wings or are you soaring?

It's still

the thing.

It's movement.

Well, you kind of treading like treading water.

It's very treading.

Yeah, yeah.

I think that's what flying would be like, probably, right?

Breaststroke.

You're going to have to still propel yourself.

The flapping of the arms feels like you're panicked.

The soaring feels like you've given into it.

Yeah.

I wonder if there's something psychological about that.

Yeah.

If you can get high enough and let the wind just take you.

If I were to guess in my dream, I think I would be soaring because I'm in the dream.

Hopefully I'm

safe.

Yeah.

Would you ever go hand gliding?

No.

Me neither.

I am not an adventure person.

I just don't think I am either.

I like an escape room.

Yeah.

Some people say like as they've gotten older or they've had kids or whatever that they are less risk-taking, you know, but I've never been.

I'm a risk-taker in life as far as like moving to LA with like fifty bucks in my pocket.

You know, like that's a ri risk.

Yeah.

But as far as like adventure risk, that's not my thing.

Life's scary already.

You don't want to jump out of a plane.

I don't want to bungee jump.

I don't want to hang glide.

Yeah.

Nothing.

So you're not going to be the new Ethan Hunt in Mission Imposter.

No.

Did you see it?

Uh-uh.

This plane sequence, Thomas?

It's amazing.

Really?

The movie, bit of a mess.

Yeah.

Oh.

Sorry if that alienates people.

But that sequence is one of the craziest things I've ever seen.

He's fighting a guy as he's climbing all over this plane as it flies.

flies, and he's really doing it.

Tom Cruise?

Yeah, he's doing it.

He does it all.

And he's punching the guy, and he's trying to get, and he's on the wing, and he's hanging, and his face is closed.

It's absolutely crazy.

Yeah, it's, I was cheering.

He loves to do his own stunts.

He loves it.

Well, I mean, he is an adventure guy for sure.

He has done a lot on planes.

Do you think he dreams?

I don't know.

Does Tom Cruise dream as a good title for a sort of

Zeitshot?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

yeah.

I did Google what does it mean to not dream about flying and it said one of the reasons is you might have moved on from the adventurous part of your life.

So kind of lines up with what you're saying, Fortune.

Oh, wow.

I'm a practical gal.

Yeah.

You know, I, I, I have, I feel deeply.

I have, you know, the heart stuff for sure.

Yeah.

I don't shy from that, but like I'm

in other areas of life, I'm practical.

But also, like, your job is scary.

Like, you don't, you know what I mean?

It's not like you're bored.

Right.

Like, I'm taking no risks.

And you want to get some adrenaline.

Like, you've got those adrenaline peaks.

I think about that all the time.

Just like being on stage in front of 3,000 people, and it's just you and a mic.

Yeah.

And to like have to.

command the attention of those 3,000 people for an hour is it isn't easy.

I mean, listen, it's not rocket science, but it's not easy.

Yeah.

And making it look easy is

Making it look like you're coming up with everything on the spot.

That's the thing.

But, you know, if you were to tell somebody, go do that, they'd probably be terrified.

Like every customs official that I come over the border, they go, yeah, I was going to do that.

Or yeah, I was thinking about it.

I think I might do comedy.

Public speaking is like one of people's biggest fears over death.

That's that Seinfeld bit, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, it's that's insane.

Yeah, they fear it more than death.

So I don't know that they would like doing an hour of stand-up in front of all those people.

There's so many things I find more scary than stand-up, but I don't know.

Well, that's because you do stand-up.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But should we hear this amazing tree?

Yeah, I love this tree.

This family of intergenerational

lovely ladies.

Yeah.

My answer, this is Alice, is when I'm flying, I flap my arms like wings, and I'm very good at it.

This is Chelsea.

I start in a squat and jump into the sky with my arms by my sides,

leading with my forehead.

And this is Debbie.

And I jump up and start to soar, only staying about six feet off the ground because I'm really scared of heights.

And then I go into a breaststroke motion.

Fortune Marie, don't even go there.

Oh,

handsome.

We love you.

Oh, Thorard.

So I'm with Debbie because I'm usually not that high up.

Yeah, and I'm breasting.

You're breast choking.

They scolded me and I didn't even say anything dirty.

They beat you to it.

I hadn't even said the word cooter or anything.

Well, that was a treat.

I love that one.

That was great.

Should we hear another one?

Yeah.

Hi, this is Lucy.

Excited to send you a question.

So a few episodes ago you guys were talking about the pronunciation of uh the pontius pilate and i just wanted to come to mae's defense uh for a moment i was classics major and so pontius pilate it was the governor of the roman province of judea um and so in latin it would have been pronounced pontius pilate um t's were hard and so there are other funny like pronunciation facts like Julius Caesar would have been Julius Caesar, Cicero would have been Kicaro, Mark Antony was Marcus Antonius.

Anyway, fun things like that.

That leads me into my question.

Is there a topic that you could talk forever about, regardless of anyone else's interest in that?

First of all, Cicero would have been Kicaro?

That's huge.

I mean, but like, is anyone really saying it like this?

Or also, who's talking about Cicero?

Come on.

That much.

Wow.

But thank you for vindicating me.

Pontius Pontius.

Pontius.

Pontius.

Pilot.

Yeah, what are your special interests that you could get on a rant about?

I mean, I already on the radio show I do with Tom Papa, we talk about food all the time.

Yes.

Food is like my love language, my life.

I love it way too much.

I think about it way too much.

So any topic of food I could probably stay on for a while, especially snacks or apps.

You would have been real fun.

On the

tour van, we did about two and a half hours about favorite apps.

Yeah.

Favorite appetites.

I would have been right in there.

I have a lot of knowledge, unfortunately.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I feel like you have a lot of topics you could go on for a while about.

Yeah, I'm remembering times where I've kind of come out of a daze and realized all my friends look bored and that they're like turning around.

The main ones I'm thinking of are Survivor.

I could truly talk about the beauty of the game of Survivor, the nuances of the gameplay.

Yeah.

the evolution of the show as the series have gone on, things that I want them to change in the format.

Like, I could really.

You probably have some good notes for them.

I have many notes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But huge respect as well.

Right.

And then the other one is

Napoleon.

Like, I think I am.

Really?

I went through a phase in the pandemic of getting really into.

I mean, not into, he's such a complex figure, but like, I got really into him.

Yeah.

He's.

And it's just, there's so much rich kind of detail in his strange ascension to power.

And then, like, like,

he was going to be a romantic novelist.

He was, he, he wrote this romantic novel.

It sold at Sotheby's like 15 years ago and for

not that much money.

Huh.

Yeah.

Trying to think if there's anything I have a lot of knowledge of.

I know like a little bit of things, a lot of things.

Yeah.

I weirdly know a lot of religious stuff.

Yeah.

Just growing up in the South.

Yeah.

Having gone to church every Sunday.

Yeah.

And then I studied religion a little bit.

Yeah.

You know your Bible stories.

I know my Bible stories.

You know your hymns.

I've studied Old Testament in college.

I studied ancient Egypt in college as well for fun, but a lot of that knowledge I don't remember now.

Yeah.

But I remember loving it at the time.

Yeah.

But I, yeah, it was a big history buff that I've sort of gotten away from that in my older age.

But yeah, in college, I was taking all these history things for no reason.

Yeah.

Just like, I want to learn about Egypt, ancient Egypt, and I want to learn about the Old Testament.

I think we're so stressed as like

adults are so stressed.

Yeah.

That really we do, like, when you have time off, you just want to

non-stress.

You're compressed.

I mean, that's my problem now, I think, because I

doing

stand-up and I, I, like you, like, we develop a lot of things.

Yeah.

You're always writing.

Always.

And it just feels like homework constantly.

Like, and so so I think when I'm not having to do that stuff, I don't want to think about anything.

But it's kind of keeping me from learning those about those other academic type things that I used to love to learn about.

And that all feed your stand-up, too.

Like

all those things.

Yeah.

I just I've read

well, I think it was because I read that Harvard is doing online courses about the Constitution and stuff, kind of as a response to

Trump like cracking down on that.

So then I went on their website and then I found all these online colleges where you can, some are free, some are like pretty cheap, and there's like weekly lectures online, and then you don't have to do homework, and it, yeah, yeah, I think I might do that like an hour a week on like mythology or or your, yeah, yeah,

listen to TED talks, I guess.

I love a TED talk, yeah, yeah, I would do a TED Talk on Survivor or on You should do a TED Talk on Survivor.

I can't now,

I no longer can, but I have

still think you can.

If I was going to do a TED talk, it might be on the troubled teen industry or something.

Because I had to learn so much about that for the show and writing the show that's coming out in the fall, like about the history of where those programs came from.

Cults in the 70s.

It's super interesting.

Cults in the 70s is interesting.

Juicy.

I like those documentaries that pop up about that wild shit.

Yeah.

Yeah.

MK Ultra.

And just like those personalities that can get people to follow them.

Like what the study of like that type of person.

Totally.

It's interesting.

This is like a giant narcissist.

Cults are endlessly fascinating.

Yeah.

Total narcissism.

Yeah, let's hear Lucy's answer.

Okay.

My answer, yes, classics is one of them.

The other for me is the story of human evolution.

I love thinking and reading about

the story of, you know, how humans evolved and then other questions that that brings up.

Like, what makes this truly truly human uh

did the onset of agriculture spell the downfall for the welfare of the human race you know lots of good questions like that thanks for answering all right that's so juicy and i love a book that is like bite-sized kind of history of the universe and the world and and yeah the acceleration of like you know, the time from the invention of

whatever to the invention of the atomic bomb is so short.

Like we're just exponentially, we're moving so fast.

Oh, man.

Okay.

I gotta, I gotta talk to Lucy.

Lucy, you speak May's language.

Yeah, that's juicy.

Thank you.

Juicy Lucy.

Wish I hadn't said that.

Lucy, Lucy.

I wish I hadn't said that.

Sorry.

Well, what a treat.

This was fun to do one of these in person.

It was a real pleasure.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What a treat.

And there's a connection.

There's a nice smiley face behind you.

Oh, sorry.

I won't for the connection.

Smiley face.

Oh, right right there yeah yeah and it really matches here at headgum this is where we're we're stationed at the moment yeah on these couches keep keep sending your questions please yeah at uh speakpipe.com slash handsome pod yeah do it that's right do it

well uh this was lovely i guess i'd like to remind you to keep it pretty handsome

Handsome is hosted by me, Mae Martin, Tignotaro, and Fortune Feemster.

The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Willette.

Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com and please follow us on social media at HandsomePod.

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What a podcast!

What a podcast!

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