Pretty Little Episode #41

This is a head gum podcast.

Pretty little episode.

Welcome to the pretty little episode, Handsome Pod.

It's your buddy Fortune Feemster here.

And your bud, May Martin.

And we're having the best day ever because we're together.

And that's all we need to make it through this life.

And we're gonna skip and jump and

run over the rainbows.

Run through the meadows like you're my wife.

Like you're my wife.

That's it.

There's not many meadows in LA.

Like, isn't that kind of a British thing, a meadow?

Yeah, there's a lot of meadows over there.

Yeah.

Across the pond.

Yeah.

Across the pond is such an annoying phrase when you think about it.

Right.

Across the pond.

Just a hop and a skip over to London town.

Do you ever hear from any British folks?

Do they listen to the handsome pod?

Yeah, well, when I went on tour there with the music, there were tons of handsome t-shirts in the crowd.

Really?

Yeah, really, really.

And of course, Debbie came to the show that's right but she doesn't listen to the pod which i think is probably for that

that's for the best yeah

oh man what do you think there's anyone in japan who listens to the pod you know what

this is a nice time for us to find out if if you live in japan and you listen to the pod let us know yeah please let us know because i'll go there yeah i would love to go to japan i'm desperate to actually because you know why fortune why i feel like this might intrigue you you know um you know cheese slices like like craft singles.

I do know of these, yes.

Yes.

So in Japan, apparently, they have chocolate slices that are wrapped like cheese slices.

And they're like kind of bendy like that.

And they're like craft singles, but chocolate.

Every person I've heard who's been to Japan says the food's amazing.

And that even going into like their 7-Eleven, whatever that is, is like the food so good and fresh.

And

it makes me so curious to go.

I know.

And everyone says that the people are great.

And you got like the crazy city.

And then there's these beautiful mountains.

And like on the table.

And is it the cherry trees?

Oh, cherry blossoms.

Cherry blossoms.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Pictures of that.

So beautiful.

Is it bad that I kind of judge people when they're like,

I just want to see the cherry blossoms one time in Japan one day.

I'm like, okay, what about other things though?

Like, that's it.

Just see those trees, baby.

I love trees.

I love trees in a weird way because when I was growing up, my grandmother

was kind of my chauffeur when I was in elementary school and junior high.

And her big thing was trees.

And so we would be driving and she would always like point out different trees and like tell me what kind of trees they were.

And when she, my friends would be in the car, like she'd take us to practice and she'd be like, there's a cherry, the cherry trees, or here's a pear tree or all these different things and and so now I always notice trees because of her that's so nice I really like that you'll have that your whole life yeah because so because if you don't if you forget to notice them

but once you start noticing them you're like oh they're everywhere and they're so beautiful

my first house I bought I bought because they had these two giant beautiful trees

And it reminded me of my grandmother.

That's really nice.

And it ended up being like my, that will forever be my like

home in my heart.

Oh, that first home that you bought.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, I just saw a thing on Instagram.

I guess I follow a lot of witches and who do spells.

And

I saw a thing on Instagram that was like, if someone's wronged you, just tell the trees and they will get revenge through

the trees.

It was like, whisper the name to a tree and then tell them injustice has been done.

And then the tree will through the network to each other.

Yes.

And it was like just the tree's network.

Yeah.

Never heard that, but I guess I don't, I don't think I follow any witches on Instagram.

So maybe that's your first one.

That's part of it.

Yeah.

You follow a bunch of witches just because you are intrigued by that world.

Yeah.

And really, I'm looking for shortcuts.

And I should be going to therapy twice a week.

What are the shortcuts, though?

Spells.

If they could just make a spell, I'll get over this heartbreak or whatever it is.

Yeah, like let me do the work.

Yes, exactly.

Like, for instance, I have this, I have four candles, yellow, white, black, and red.

And then I follow this one witch who will be like, oh, this is a spell for like stepping into your power.

And it's like,

light the red candle and say these words and write it down and fold the paper over.

I know it's probably nothing, but there's also some power in like vocalizing out loud.

Like, I think words are powerful.

And uh yeah so i'm doing some spells sometimes not like love spells on people but more like

like self-help spells but i gotta i gotta healing yourself spells yeah because we're powerful i know we're powerful but also guess what's powerful your mind yes they say mind over matter well i think i can train your brain to do some powerful things right oh totally yeah we shape our realities yeah maybe i told you this already or said it on the pod, but sometimes I'll scroll past something and I just accept everything as like potentially true.

And there was this picture of a horse and it was like this beautiful close-up of the horse's eye.

And it was like, every time you look in a horse's eye, you're looking into a mirror of the parts of you that need love the most.

And I was like, huh?

Yeah.

And then I scrolled.

And I was like, wait a second.

No, what?

You're just looking at a horse.

Like, what do you mean?

I do love that you're just like, yeah, that's got to be right.

Yeah, gotta be true said it on the picture i don't think i've looked a lot of horses in the eye truth be told that's

either god tick pointed that out and now

oh truth be told yeah i really didn't realize i said that as much as i do yeah well

i never noticed till she said it either yeah but it takes too observant very observant and it'll come out

right at the right moment.

I was scrolling through my TikTok the other day and someone had posted Tig's Taylor Dane story from This American Life.

Oh, it's so funny.

And I just sat and watched it.

It was like a four-part TikTok.

I watched the whole thing.

Well, I just watched and shared the video of you and Ginger on stage talking about gay awakenings.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, you did?

Yeah,

oh my God, it's so funny.

Like her comic timing.

She's very funny.

She gets the assignment.

And she loves the stage, loves attention.

Yeah.

she was cracking me up.

Her friend that wouldn't go to Brokepack Mountain with her because her hair is too short.

Her friend would not, back in the day, she told this story where she wanted to go see Brokepack Mountain and her friend wouldn't go because people would think they were Jay

because her hair was too short.

Her hair was too short.

I love that.

I was like, that is the wildest thing I've ever heard.

Yeah.

Should we hear?

Yeah, let's dive into some questions.

Let's hear some questions.

Hello, Handsome Pod.

My name is Zeridan, and I am five years old.

And my question for you is:

have you ever gotten in trouble at school before?

Oh, my God.

That is so cute.

That is the

first question from a five-year-old, for sure.

That was that made my day.

Yeah, me too.

Me.

Just that little five-year-old voice.

Hi, handsome.

I have a question.

Oh,

that's my five-year-old voice.

What a little dream boat.

I'm scared that I can't share the things that I got in trouble for.

Like, I wanted to be.

You probably got in trouble quite a bit, right?

Oh, my God.

Let's just go with that first.

But I was never

rude or loud or like I just was, I wouldn't show up or I wouldn't do my homework.

Yeah.

Or,

I mean, I had a crush on my grade six teacher, Miss Garreau obviously I've been trying to find her ever since Melanie Garot

never found her anyway she was an incredible teacher and um I had not done my homework nine times in a row and so she said I am that she would

like every time I didn't do the homework I'd have to meet her after class to do the homework like at lunch

well then I was like okay

and then because you're like hanging out we're talking some one-on-one time exactly and she would sometimes bring like a chocolate bar or something if I did good.

Like it was great.

So yeah, not doing homework was big.

And then getting into shame spirals and a web of lies of being like, at one time I gaslit, like I was like, I did hand it in.

I said, I put it in your hand.

And the woman was like, no, you didn't.

And I was like, I don't, I was like, I don't know what's going on here.

You have it in for me.

How old are you?

13.

Wow.

I was like, I literally put it in your hand.

She was like, what are you talking about?

I think I stuck with it to the point that she was like,

Wait, when, like, in the when in the hall, I guess maybe you could have put that teacher in therapy.

That's fucking like

because that was before people really understood what gaslighting was.

No, I would know.

She was like, I, this kid, just I know that

this did not happen the way they're saying.

So, what about you?

You didn't

so good.

I was

such a rule follower.

I have been a rule follower my whole life.

Should we meet up with a break rule?

What's that?

We should meet up and just break some rules.

Even if that's little things.

J-Y.

I don't even know if I can.

I don't know if I have it in me.

I mean, I did get in trouble at times.

I would say if I ever got like a fussed at, it would have been for talking too much.

Yeah.

Or like trying to crack jokes.

I think I did give a kid the middle finger when I was was in first grade.

Whoa.

In first grade?

Oh my God.

Picturing.

Because I had two older brothers.

So I would just like see things they did and not really realize what I was doing.

You at six, flipping the bird to some other kid is so good.

What do you think they did to piss you off?

I don't know, but that was wild.

Yeah.

When I was in high school, I used to flip my brothers off and

be like, mom, Price gave me the bird.

And she'd be like, Price.

And I'd be like,

no way.

And then you'd do it back with the beer moment.

And I would be behind her, flipping them off some more.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

So I did like cheeky stuff like that.

But

at school, I was very dialed in.

Yeah.

Straight A, straight A's for a long time.

You were there.

There were some B's every now and then.

Perfect attendance.

I had perfect attendance from seventh grade through

till college.

Oh, my God.

And college,

I only missed two classes for like no reason.

And then I had to miss some classes for tennis.

Oh my, but

I was such a good kid, student, all the things.

Holy.

Perfect attendance is really hard to do.

I remember being in elementary school and that school went all the way up to

grade 13 or whatever.

And I knew that like in grade seven, you were allowed to leave the premises for lunch, you know, within a two block radius and then come back and you'd get your like five bucks from your parents.

And I was like, as soon as I am allowed to do that, like, you better believe I'm, I'm skipping class.

I'm going further afield.

I'm going to get on the subway and go downtown.

Like,

yeah.

I probably could have gotten in trouble at times in high school.

Like, I talked about this before when I did the morning announcements.

Oh, my God.

The morning announcements.

Hey, y'all go to Mr.

Smith's class at 3 o'clock.

Make sure you have your chessboards if you want to go join the chess club.

But we would leave all the time to go to different restaurants around town to like grab breakfast.

And like by all accounts, we should have gotten in trouble.

But because I was such a good student and I was very charming and all the teachers really loved me because I really loved them.

Yeah.

Everyone was just like, huh.

She's like,

what are we going to say?

See, that's the way to hack the system.

And that's what I never understood and should have.

I was in tight with all the teachers yeah i should have done but i loved when i i would talk to them like we were all old friends oh i thought i fully thought my teachers were my equals and friends

My senior year, I was like, hey, bud, what's up?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because I had, again, my oldest brother was almost seven years older than me.

So I was used to talking with older people.

So I would just chat with my teachers when I was in high school.

Like we were friends, like college friends.

You got to.

But I also, my senior year, we had like all these teachers that were like 22 and 23.

So they were fun.

I was like,

I want to be friends with these teachers.

Wait, I just realized that we got to hear the answer

of this sweet little.

Okay, Zerden.

And I accidentally ripped a Pete the Cat book.

Okay.

Okay, listen.

The key word there is accidentally.

Like you should not get in trouble if it's an accident.

And

he has the excuses ready.

No, seriously.

Don't hold on to that.

Textbook.

What was this?

Pete the Cat book.

Pete the Cat book?

I don't know what that is, but I'm going to be looking into it.

Maybe the Pete the Cat book was accidentally ripped.

That's what it sounds like, but I do not think that you should have gotten in trouble.

And I think that, if anything, your enthusiasm for the book probably ripped it.

And it's great to be enthusiastic about books.

It sure is.

Sometimes books get ripped.

Yeah.

If I was your teacher, I'd go, huh, there's a learning moment here.

Glad you're reading.

I'd say sometimes we love things so much that we hurt them by accident.

Mm-hmm.

Should we hear another question?

Yeah.

Hi, this is Lee from Black Mountain, North Carolina.

My question is, if there was a sitcom about you, what would the title and the premise be?

Oh my my god, fellow North Carolinian!

Shout out!

Yes, I was just in North Carolina visiting my folks.

Oh, yeah, yeah, that was nice.

My parents have been divorced 30 years, and so I'll never not enjoy having I had breakfast with the two of them, and it is a treat.

Oh man, that is nice, yeah.

Um, a sitcom based on your life.

Feel good.

I know you're like, I've done it.

It would be called feel good, and it'd be a comedy drama for sure.

You came up on my TikTok, too.

I did.

Yeah.

Feel Good.

Clips of Feel Good.

Oh, nice.

Your hair was so blonde.

It was so blonde.

And also my jeans were so skinny and my eyebrows were quite thin.

I didn't notice that about your eyebrows.

But I watched that whole series.

Was that pandemic times?

It was, yeah.

Thanks, man.

Yeah.

Yeah, it was great.

What would yours be?

Would it be a pun on Fortune?

Sit, I like that she said sitcom.

It's like a, it's very very like mine's already been done it's called the golden girls yes

that would be my dream though when i'm like 80 or i don't know how old they were but seven let's say 70.

yeah at that point you're just like in caffe hands with your friends eating cheesecake that's not a bad life it's not bad yeah i'd watch that sitcom yeah

so maybe it would be a pun it would be like wheel of fortune or something or Oh or something.

Are you picking up Biggie right now or just touching him?

This is Biggie.

Yeah, he's being squirrely right now.

Oh, I saw you.

He'd be in the show for sure.

And you guys would have a theme song.

I'll get you some water.

He's huffing and puffing in the mic.

Say hi, every.

Say hi to everybody.

Can we hear him in the mic?

Can we see if we hear that?

You can hear us licking his lips.

I can hear him panting.

Hey, get you some water, baby bear.

Oh, my God.

No, is it a sit?

Are we saying a sitcom that's already been done?

Or

what would the sitcom be?

What would it be?

Like, mine might be like

making it right, but it's spelled M-A-E.

And the theme song's like, making it right, making it wrong.

Sometimes you gotta just get along.

And it's me, like, walking down the street.

Yeah, what would yours be?

Yeah, Fortune would definitely have to be in the title.

Yeah.

Like, good, like, my special Good Fortune or something.

I think Good Fortune, you're not going to get a better name than that.

That's a great name.

And

something about like my,

you know trying to be a

good but like she's always quirky and just a hair off yeah you know like

um kind of like everybody loves raymond but good in that vein of like yeah and your your parents would be at characters in it and um you'd have a wacky name based on my life they're divorced but friends and yes they're they're really involved in my life too much and My mom's always like trying to give me advice and it's terrible advice.

And I'm like, mom.

Your mom would get a round of applause from the studio audience every time she did it.

Yeah, she'd be a big character in this in this series.

Yeah.

I actually sold a sitcom based on my life.

Did you?

Loosely.

Yeah.

And we filmed it for ABC back in the day.

It was called Family Fortune.

A pilot?

Yeah, it was a pilot.

Tina Faye was a producer.

What?

With Robert Carlock,

who they did 30 Rock, you know, together.

And

it was really great.

It was a great pilot.

I co-wrote it with Matt Hubbard, also 30 Rock writer, and also created Loot

and Apple with that Maya Rudolph show, right?

It's called Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And yeah, this was 2015.

And I played a,

I played a teacher, a PE teacher,

who in the pilot episode comes out to her

southern parents as gay.

Annie Potts played my mom.

Oh, my gosh.

From Designing Women.

I know you and Tig were not

Designing Women folks.

This amazing actor, John Carol Lynch, played my dad.

It was such a fun.

I mean, I'm biased, but I thought it was such a fun show.

Where can I watch this?

Do you have it still?

No, and it will never see the light of day.

We filmed it.

It was great, but they did not pick it up.

Can we have a secret screening of it?

I probably have a DVD of it somewhere.

I'll have to find it.

A DVD.

But you know, a sitcomy, so there's like funny.

I love a sitcom.

They're funny jokes, but it's also got that like want want kind of feeling too.

But I like that.

Just Annie Potts playing my mom was like unbelievable.

Her name was Ginger and everything.

No way.

Yeah.

One thing I love is

the comeback with Lisa Kudro because I just love the way they parody sitcoms and like she is a an ex-sitcom star who gets apart on another sitcom.

They do all that thing of the studio audience laughing.

I'm developing stuff all the time, but I've been thinking about taking another swing at a life story, you know, loosely based.

It's very made up as well.

Yeah.

But it would be more in the vein of like a dramedy now.

Yeah, I think that's, I think there's an appetite for that now.

People want a sprinkling of drama in there.

Well,

I think they more want things to feel real.

Yeah,

are craving like authenticity, I think.

Yeah.

Exactly.

Should we hear Lee's answer?

Yeah.

The answer to my question is the title to my sitcom would be Say What?

And the premise would be every episode I have some weird, awkward, or inappropriate exchange with a family member or a friend.

Say what?

Say what?

I love it.

Do you remember, is it Best in Show or one of those movies where Fred Willard has a catchphrase that's, what happened?

What happened?

Oh, yeah.

It was one of those Christopher Guest movies.

What happened?

Yeah.

What happened?

A Mighty Win, maybe?

Yeah, maybe it was a Mighty Win.

Yeah, yeah.

Amazing.

God, Best in Show is so good.

All those movies.

I got to go back and watch that movie again.

It's so genius.

And Waiting for Guffman is really.

Yeah.

Well, I was just watching The Last of Us last night, and Catherine O'Hara is amazing in it.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

And Bella, who was asked the question of the handsome pod.

Yes.

Oh, yeah.

Bella asked, like, about

early days.

Biting tinfoil or something.

It was like, would you rather bite tinfoil?

Yeah.

All right.

Well, this has been a true joy.

Yes, it has, May.

If you want to ask us any questions, you never know which pair of us you'll get.

And that's the fun of it, but we'd love to hear from you.

You can go to speakpipe.com slash handsome.

ask any question you want you could also ask for advice pretty good at that too and uh yeah we just love hearing from you guys and love what this brings up for us because we never know what's going to be asked um

it's a little jaunt down memory lane sometimes and then other times i go i never thought about that yeah interesting i mean now i'm going to be googling pete the cat yeah pete the cat but yeah spread the word send your questions and until then keep it

pretty handsome.

Handsome is hosted by me, Mae Martin, Tig Notaro, and Fortune Feemster.

The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Willette.

Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com and please follow us on social media at handsome pod.

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podcast!

What a podcast!

What a podcast!

That was a head gum podcast.