Pretty Little Episode #36

This is a head gum podcast.

Pretty little episode.

Welcome to the Handsomes.

Pretty little episode.

We're feeling pretty.

We're feeling little.

We're feeling an episode.

That's right.

It's your pal, Fortune, and I'm joined by my pal, May.

It's weird that my name is May.

Is it?

Does it seem right?

That does kind of, anyway.

I like the you have the alliteration like I have.

Yeah, I love an alliteration.

Yeah.

Me too.

What's Biggie's last name?

Feemster?

I say it is.

Jacks thinks that Smith, but we, when he's with me,

and I say to him, you're a Feemster.

I don't know if she says that to that he's a Smith, but Biggie Feemster is a cool name, too.

Yeah, Biggie Feemster is cool.

Maybe it's hyphened.

Yeah, he can talk about that in therapy.

Yeah.

His identity.

Yeah.

I think May is a fun name.

I think so too.

Yeah, yeah.

I wish you could shorten it to a nickname.

You can only lengthen it to like

because May as is a shorter name.

Yeah.

Like you could just do mm.

Mmm.

I have heard people refer to you as mm.

Really?

Mm.

I've heard people refer to you as,

fuck.

Yeah, we just, we'll talk about it in our,

with Tig, but we had our two live shows back to back, and there was a lot of screaming for May.

Well, Ditto.

Yeah, yeah.

I can't wait to recap our adventures.

Yeah, those were pretty incredible.

It was super fun.

May and I went to breakfast together.

Oh, we did.

We had a lovely.

It took a long time to come.

Yeah.

The food.

Oh, yeah.

But not to be negative, but sorry.

It took a long time to come.

The food.

Because, you know, like diner, you expect it's going to be a quick, a quick delivery.

Yeah.

The coffee was quick.

That was true.

But we got to chat and catch up and catch each other up to speed on what's going on in life.

Yeah, I liked that a lot.

It was a nice bonding experience.

You know, the next step, you got to come over.

I know.

I got to see that pad.

Yeah, man.

I'm like, I mean, I only really have people over to do painting and get weird.

So if you're up for some painting.

I'm not a good painter, but I'm up for any experience.

Great.

I'm going to get a massage tonight.

Here you are?

Yeah, because we got back from traveling and I've been like pumping iron, lifting weights.

So I'm going to...

I'm going to go get a nice massage at the K-Spa.

That's great.

Oh, the Korean spa.

So they're going to to wash all the crevices.

Yeah, and guess what the Masseuse's name is who I really love there?

What?

May.

Oh,

yeah.

So May on May action.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's all I've ever wanted.

I would go to the Korean spa, but I don't want to be in the nude.

Yeah.

And everyone there is in the nude.

Yeah, that's true.

Well, they have like private massage rooms, but they are in the nude.

You'd have to get your games out.

Yeah, because

for those of you who don't know the Korean spa, like a lot of different rooms and there's

steam rooms right and like rooms with water and you're getting washed off and scrubbed down and yeah the most intense room is uh an ice room that's like an ice sauna that i i love it a lot it's very punishing but you know i like that yeah you like a little danger with your massage yeah yeah yeah don't want to be too relaxed i love a massage i don't know if that i have to go back on the road again right away on wednesday

but i was proud of myself I worked out four days in a row while on tour.

Yes, dude.

Which is huge for me.

Yeah.

I am determined on this tour to be much healthier than I was on my last tour.

Yeah.

I'm down 40 pounds and I'm going to keep it going.

Yeah, my last tour was not healthy.

So every hotel I went to the gym.

Yes.

Then when I got home, I treaded water,

which is my thing now.

Yeah.

And yeah, I feel really

hopeful about the balance of this tour.

Yeah, great.

My thing is, like, on tour is

my phone, like just getting back to the hotel room.

I'm like, I'll spend, yeah, an hour and a half on my phone before bed.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And just looking at like pictures people have tagged from the shows and people's comments and I just get sucked into a vortex.

Well, it's hard to come down off that high, right?

You have this show with all that energy and then you get back to your hotel and you're kind of having to slowly in increments come down from that.

Yeah.

Same time.

I get it.

Some scrolling and looking at pics and be like, oh, that was a fun.

Look at what we did.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And sometimes people will tag you in a pic that is so unflattering and you don't reach it.

You don't repost those.

Oh, fucking my life.

Yeah.

I have some pretty unflattering angles.

Well, good times.

Let's shall we get some questions?

Yeah, let's hear from people.

Hello, May Tick and Fortune in absolutely no particular order.

You're all fabulous.

My name is CB, and I live in Austin, Texas.

Thank you all for coming.

What a treat.

My question for you is: I just got a little cat that showed up at my door, couldn't find its home, and I'm looking to name it.

It is

white and orange,

very

affectionate, currently purring.

If you can hear,

I cannot hear.

If not, dumb.

That's a bum for you.

But I want to know what to name it.

And obviously my first choice is handsome.

But I'm also thinking about naming him Calcifer from the Studio Ghibli House Moving Castle, who, you know, it's a little fireflame.

So that's my answer.

But I'm curious what yours is.

Handsome's a great name for an animal.

It is.

Because you'd go, morning, handsome.

Don't cats, aren't cats like known for roaming around?

Do we think this is someone's cat?

It's just an animal.

Yeah, yeah.

I like what I like the idea of, like, I like human names for cats, like Bruce or something, you know.

Oh, yeah.

Diane.

I'm going to go with the name Tiger.

Okay.

Yeah, you went.

It's pretty standard.

Orange and mine, not to judge.

Not to judge, but I'm going

to exactly what I see.

What's that?

Yeah, I don't mind that.

What about Tigray?

Oh, Tigray is good.

What about, yeah, I'm going to go Bruce or Diane, but I'm going to stick with that.

Bruce or Diane, all right.

But I actually, I think, I think handsome's a really good, really good name.

Should we hear another one, though?

Yeah.

Hi, handsomes.

I love you all.

I think you're all amazing.

My name is Ryanne, and I'm calling from New Hampshire.

And

I made it to Toronto to see your live show with one of my besties.

So that's super fun.

But what I wanted to ask you was,

what do you think is your best impression of a person

or a creature?

Wow, that's great.

Your best impression of a person.

What?

Just any person?

Yeah, like an impression.

Like your Jennifer Coolidge is very strong.

I want a hot dog real bad.

Yeah, yeah.

What else have you got?

A person or a creature?

I've got, um,

well, I like to do Mr.

Tumnus from Narnia.

You know, he's like a, he's got, he's like half deer, maybe deer from the, from the waist down, and then men,

but I can't really do it without standing up and doing the whole movement.

But he's like, Lucy Pevensy.

I don't know.

I really want to play Mr.

Tumnis in the new the Greta Gerwig

Narnia.

And I told my agents, hey this is can you reach out to Greta Gerwig and tell her I really want to play Mr.

Tumnis and they were like

and then like a week later I was like hey did you do that and they were like oh no that's

that's outrageous

you're like I need you to believe in me I know I used to do all my teachers and stuff in school and yeah but like celebs like

I don't know I really want to work on the

all the boys from Love on the Spectrum.

Oh yeah, I just saw someone on TikTok doing their

impression that was pretty spot on.

I think I saw the same one.

Mother's voice is,

don't speak to me about that,

mother.

I know what it's like to live that way.

That's a good Connor.

And

James is sort of like,

yes.

Someone,

is it, is it possible that we could, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

And Tan's like, I am a good guy, mom.

I am a good guy, mom, right?

That is.

Yeah.

Yeah, Kelly.

Yeah, Kelly.

Yeah.

I like ducks, too.

That's good.

What kind of animals do you like, Kelly?

Do you like dogs?

Do you like elephants?

Do you like...

Yeah, see, these are pretty good.

I met Tanner in New York last season.

He and I both were doing the Kelly Clarkson show.

Oh, and he was so awesome.

We took a video together and then he and his mom and his sister Midge came to my stand-up show.

No way.

At the beacon, yeah.

And they were so great.

I think it's probably a little overwhelming for him because, you know, it's like 3,000 people in that theater and a lot of people.

He's very recognizable.

So I think

it was like a stimulation overload for him, but he was so cute and sweet.

And his family, like that show, if anyone's watched Love on the Spectrum, I always tell people to watch it.

I think it's just such a pure,

beautiful show about people who just want to love and be loved.

And it's like, kind of takes you back to what dating and love should be.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Just like so honest with each other.

Getting a kiss is like the greatest thing in life.

They've not had one.

When seeing Connor, did you see the episode where Connor got his first kiss?

Yeah.

His like hand was shaking and he was like, it was incredible.

Yeah.

I mean, you're like, that's what it's supposed to be like.

Totally pure thing.

And I think that show has really made a lot of people sort of raise their standards of what they're looking for.

just like kindness and openness and yeah and they are very honest if they don't like someone they're like can i just tell you i'm i just want to be friends and they're like okay yeah yeah there's no games it's like really amazing to watch but i was saying their families are so wonderful too like Totally.

The support these kids have on that show is really inspiring to watch.

I know.

We should definitely try and get a question from one of the cast.

That would be great.

Yeah, I could probably reach out to Tanner's mom.

Oh my god, yeah.

That's amazing.

So, those are our impressions.

Leah, let's hear Rianne's answer.

Oh, I do have a made-up impression from Pam the Mole Walker.

Yeah, let's hear it.

It's a character I created.

Hello, I am Pam the Mole Walker.

I have my Fenny pack on,

and I am ready for treats.

Okay, I love Pam.

And she just walks the mall.

She walks and she has a fanny pack and

she puts little treats in her fanning pack as she goes on her walks.

Yeah, great.

I actually do have one more.

Yeah, give it to us.

One time I was on the subway in London and there was this woman in her 50s and she was running to try to make the train.

And she ran in and she just made it and the doors closed, but it was kind of hectic when she made it.

Like she kind of stumbled in and then she kind of looked around and she goes, Jesus!

And I think about it all the time, Jesus.

Um, yeah, what has Rihanne got for us?

Um, when it comes to me,

my best impression of a creature is actually of E.T.

and

I can sound pretty much like him.

So, this is an example:

wow that was so much better than i expected that was really good holy shit rian

that's you gotta go on the road with that isn't it fun when people have these like little random talents yeah i mean i can do a thing where it sounds like there's a little man in my throat let's hear it and it's i do with my mouth closed almost like a ventriloquist ventriloquist thing okay ready

i can only say one sentence okay okay

i like it i like it i like it a lot

i don't know the visual of that was pretty great

wow i mean that was crazy that i'm single right

dude you better get snatched up soon i know do we have time for one more let's do another yeah Hi, Tick.

Hi, Mary.

Hi, Fortune.

My name is Morgan.

I'm from Nashville, Tennessee.

I just saw y'all at the Ryman,

and it was such a fun show.

You guys did awesome.

My question for you all is, what is your favorite household appliance sound?

By the way, all of our question askers today came to one of our live shows.

That's pretty cool.

Yeah, very cool.

Yeah.

We'll have to do some more in the future.

We don't have anything lined up right now, but those were so fun.

We'll have to look into that.

Yeah.

Okay, my one is, and I don't know if this is a phenomenon in America that I was unfamiliar with, but

the past two places I've lived, the laundry machine, when it is done, plays a song that is so long that it says this is this is it.

Okay.

It still goes on.

Whoa.

I've got to make a video of it.

It's crazy.

But that's my favorite thing.

It's a whole little dance break every time I want.

My mom has one of those.

It's like,

but it's much shorter.

It's crazy, though.

I don't know that that's the specific tune.

I've only heard it, you know, a couple times a year.

You should be able to program your laundry machine, you know, with the sound of your choice.

So I could get, for instance, Rhianne doing her E.T.

So every time my laundry is done, it's like, E.T.

I think you should be able to program your washing machine to sing, I've been waiting for some clothes like you.

And it would make you want to do laundry more.

You guys, Dolce is into that.

Whatever.

I'm going to program my washing machine to do that.

I don't know that song.

I've been waiting for a girl like you.

Oh, no.

i've been waiting for a girl like you i don't know why i don't you still don't know that no but well look it up i will be it'll blow your mind well if i sing it and you don't like it you're not it's not gonna get much better yeah yeah you're really the you're the you're like kelly clarkson i'm just like kelly clarkson who by the way drove Did we talk about that?

Drove the lesbians wild.

Oh, by doing the Chapel Rhone song?

No, but well, all the songs kelly does jobs the lesbians wild but in particular

kelly sang that song just is kind of on a vacation far away

some come up take something come over talk it over

there's so much that i want to say you know i like my girls a little bit older and then winked Whoa, she

sang that.

Okay, so the wink was what really.

So the, yeah, it's it's the, it's called Your Love by the Outfield.

And the, the lesbians lost their damn minds.

Listen, we all just take what we can get and we get real excited.

I think you should look up the video and see the wink.

And Kelly later got asked about it and she just said, oh, I wink in my song a lot in my songs.

And people were like,

do you?

Yeah.

That felt deliberate.

Yeah, she should own the wink.

I have a real wink fetish.

Like, people who can confidently wink, I love.

So, I don't know if it might be dangerous to me to watch this.

You will, I mean, Kelly's voice

already is just the greatest thing on earth.

You know why I like it?

It's effortless.

It's like even because even Lady Gaga, even Alicia Keys, like they're amazing voices, but they're pushing.

Kelly, it's like effortless.

It's like that whole range is just sitting there for her.

Voice of an angel.

And I've been to Kelly Stan from day one, long before all these TikTokers got on board.

Yeah.

My entire four years on Chelsea Lately was

at different times me giving a plea to Kelly Clarkson to come on the show.

And she never did.

And then I ran into her the year after Chelsea Lately was done.

And I said, I used to talk about you all the time.

She goes, I know.

Oh my God.

She's like, I know.

And I had no impulse to reach out.

I know.

And I did nothing.

but we're friends now.

I've done her show 10 times more than anybody.

10 times.

Holy shit.

10 times I've done the Kelly Clarkson show.

They gave me a jacket

on my fifth time.

Whoa.

From the voice, it was a tiny jacket.

I don't get to go on there as much now that it's in New York, but she asked a handsome question, too.

Oh, yeah, I know.

Yeah.

So we stand.

We stand.

Our gala Kelly.

And don't you be driving those lesbians wild, Kelly, with your winks.

I'm going to watch that as soon as we're done here.

it's pretty it's pretty great should we hear morgan yeah let's hear more

so my favorite household appliance sound used to be the running dishwasher it signaled the end of a long day and it just felt like i had all my ducks in a row but it has recently changed my favorite sound is that of the garage door opening at the end of the day because it means my husband has come home from work and my son whenever he hears it, just lights up because he knows daddy's home and he's about to get to hug him and play with him.

And it's just so sweet and it just makes me feel really happy when I hear it.

So yeah, I can't wait to hear y'all's answers.

Thank you so much.

That's so great.

I totally forgot that that was the question we were answering.

I didn't even answer it.

Oh, yeah, sorry, guys.

Mine would be the vacuum only because similar to her, it ignites other responses that make me happy.

And the vacuum makes Biggie bark.

And he runs over to it and is like,

like he's fighting it.

And I think it's the cutest thing in the world.

And so sometimes I

will run the vacuum.

and push it near him just to get him to go rise.

Well, listen, he's pretty low-key the rest of the time.

Anything that

amps him up is fun to watch.

Well, this has been an absolute delight.

What a delight.

Such a treat.

I always like answering questions from our fans.

We do that at our live show as well.

Yeah, it's fun.

People in the audience.

Yeah.

And it really does ensue some pretty crazy times.

Yeah.

At the end of our Austin show, we had to sing a song together and what a treat that was.

Oh, yeah.

I went weird there.

I could see that that made you sad.

We were like improvising a song that was like, Thanks so much, Austin.

We love you.

And then it was my turn.

And I was like, Sometimes I feel so lonely.

I want to die or something.

But I didn't even mean that.

It's just for some reason, I think, song, I think emotional.

You want to go, you want to emote?

Yeah.

And then I was like, okay.

And then I took over.

I was like, thanks for coming to our show.

Keep it handsome.

Yeah, you rescued it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But that's what we all bring something different to the table, and that's the beauty of it.

Yeah, exactly.

But please keep sending your questions in to us.

You can go to speakpipe.com slash handsome pod.

We want to hear from you.

We want to hear your impressions.

And keep listening to our regular episode and telling your friends about the pod.

Come see me on tour.

I'm on a huge tour that's going to a lot of places.

May, are you adding any more shows for music?

I am, but I don't know them yet, but I am.

And in June, I'm going to be hitting three cities that I've never played music in.

It's going to be fun.

Nice.

Well, we're keeping busy, but we appreciate you guys listening.

Yeah, we love you a lot.

Yeah, we do love you a lot.

Yeah, we love you a lot.

We love you a lot.

Even though sometimes people are going to be a lot more lovely.

You can talk to me about love.

Mom.

I know.

Queen of

Atkins.

I guess all that remains is to keep it pretty handsome.

Handsome is hosted by me, Fortune Feamster, Tig Notaro, and Mae Martin.

The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Woulette.

Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com and follow us on social media at HandsomePod.

What a podcast!

What a podcast!

That was a head gum podcast.