Pretty Little Episode #35

This is a head gum podcast.

Pretty little episode.

Welcome to a pretty little episode of The Handsome Pod.

I'm Mae Martin joined one-on-one

with your very dear friend, Tig Notaro.

Hello.

Hello, May.

Hello, Tig.

Hello.

How are you doing?

I'm good.

How are you?

Yeah, I had an apple.

I'm going to go to the gym after this.

I truly and almost literally have an apple a day.

Really?

Yes.

Yes.

I thought you were going to say something about the gym, but I love that you have an apple a day.

I have an apple a day.

I love it.

I love it.

I love it.

And it always happens that when I I sit down and have my apple, Stephanie calls me.

No way.

Or she walks into the room and her imitation of me is.

But it doesn't seem to keep the doctor away for me, though.

Right, right.

Yeah.

Who knows?

You could be at the doctor even more if you weren't having it.

That's very true.

It is very true.

What's your poison apple-wise?

What are you, we're talking gala, pink lady?

Honey crisp.

Oh, yeah.

Yes.

honey crisp language and i think i mentioned it on here and and somebody said

i i can't even remember the name but gothic crisp i don't know what it was

i don't know i'm wrong about it but uh i just really love a very crisp crisp apple yeah i mean i can't if it's even slightly off I mean, the mealy kind of apples, I really, I cannot do.

Oh, no, no, no.

When something's something's mealy like that,

I will eat the skin off of it and then toss it.

But

yeah, you heard me.

You'll eat the skin of the apple?

Yeah, I'll go ahead and eat the skin because, you know, there's a lot of nutrients in that.

But yeah, I'll toss the mealy part, the white insides.

Really?

So you're taking little nibbles.

I'll just like run my teeth along, you know, like really pull that skin off.

Oh, cool.

Because it's not mealy.

I'm always scared that there's, you know, pesticides and stuff in the skin.

Yeah.

Well, there probably is.

I do eat organic ones, but that's not always guaranteed organic.

Yeah.

But, you know, also, I've heard it's better to eat any fruit or vegetables,

whether it's conventionally grown or organic, as opposed to not having them at all, whether there's pesticides or not.

I mean,

it's a real toss-up with what's going on and the food going into our bodies.

But what level of ripeness of banana are you working with?

Oh, well, it's my understanding that the less ripe, the healthier the banana, and the better that it helps absorb other nutrients for other foods that you eat.

So, I'll go,

I'll have some green on the yellow.

Yeah, sure.

I really don't trust people who like very ripe bananas.

Yeah, like when it's mushy.

Yeah, or just like brown speckled all over the banana.

Oh,

that's a whole other flavor.

Well, and you know, if you see a banana that has green on it with some speckly as well,

that hasn't naturally ripened.

I see.

Yeah, they've used technology to ripen the banana.

So steer clear of those.

No, I like like a slightly green banana, refreshing,

a mild banana flavor.

Yeah.

But you need a mushy banana for banana bread.

Absolutely.

And I feel like I'm a little more flexible with smoothie bananas.

Yeah, sure, sure, sure.

But I never like a...

I remember my mother would be, you know, when there would be like little bruising on the banana, she'd be like, oh, that's the sweet part.

And it still never tricked me.

I was like, Well, you can have that.

I know.

And then they asked for my rider when I was on tour.

Like, what do you want in the green room?

And then I felt like such an asshole being like, Bananas, but slightly green.

Like,

I don't want ripe bananas.

And you say bananas, like, you sit down before or after a show and have more than one.

Well, there's, you know, I had band members, band mates.

Oh, yes.

But yeah, I would normally have one before, one after.

Okay.

Yeah.

Good.

Good for you, May.

Thank you.

You've got to splash out.

What?

You have to splash out in life.

You've got to treat yourself.

Splash out?

I haven't even heard that before.

Splash out?

Yeah.

Really?

Yeah.

Thomas, have you heard splash out?

I've never heard that.

That sounds maybe like a British thing.

Really?

I mean, I'm picturing you, of course, like doing a cannonball into a pool and splashing in a celebratory way.

Like splurge.

You know splurge.

Sure, I've heard that.

Okay, so nobody's told me to splash out in life, but you think I'm not going to start?

I mean, I feel like I splash out in certain ways in life, but

I really like this.

When you tread water, you're splashing out in a way.

But no, splashing out is like, yeah, just

treating yourself, I think.

Going for it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

All right.

Are you going to maybe try to splash out once today?

And then let us let me know.

I don't know if I have room in my day for a splash out.

Stephanie and I have to go to the notary to get some documents for Max and Finn notarized

because she's gonna be bringing them out of the country without me.

Whoa, so you have to go authorize that.

I have to sign a paper saying that I approve Stephanie taking them over the border without me.

I mean, hopefully they'll come back.

Hopefully.

Yeah.

I mean, I really hope.

Maybe you can, on the way back from the notary, splash out with like a nice coffee or something.

Well,

but I have a conference call right after the notary.

We don't even have time.

Yeah.

I mean, let me look at my calendar.

So we're going to go to the notary.

You tell me where I can splash out.

Yeah.

Cause maybe that the notary.

Ooh, I know when I can splash out.

I haven't taken a bath yet today.

So after the notary, I need to take a bath so I can just splash out and that.

Yeah.

And then I have my call and then I have to start hair and makeup because, you know, I've got an awards show tonight.

Oh, shit.

What's the awards show?

It's not going to line up with when this comes out, but Stephanie and I were nominated for the movie MIOK at the GLAD Awards.

Oh, the GLAD Awards, yeah, yeah.

So like the way that you could make a, like, is there a way to make the bath a bit more luxurious than usual?

Put a couple flower petals in there, drop them.

But I'm not really, I don't want things floating around in my water.

Right.

Now, I was asked to splash out in the outfit tonight with the tickets that they email.

It says to make sure to add bright colors to your outfit.

And I was just planning on wearing black and Stephanie's wearing black.

Yeah, I don't listen to that stuff, you know, because in those moments, I always think, if I was Kurt Cobain or Slash,

are you?

No, you're going to put your top hat on.

You're going to put your raggedy jeans on.

You're going to go to the event.

You're not going to follow

any sort of rules about your wardrobe.

But you should splash out at the event.

Well, that's what I'm saying.

Well, splash out, you mean outside of my outfit?

Yeah, like splash out, like,

like, you know, walk up to some celebrity that that you admire and say, hey,

that's not really splashing out.

It's more like

ask the waiter.

Say, I know that there's, you know, free wine on the tables, but I would actually love an espresso martini or something like that.

Oh, okay.

All right.

Without the

alcohol

or the cold.

Or the espresso.

Yeah, decaf.

The espresso martini.

The decaf non-alcoholic drink.

That'd be way splashed out.

So that's even more than just an espresso martini.

That is really the drink I cannot have is an espresso martini.

That would really mess you up.

Oh, man, would I be leveled for weeks?

That's so pathetic.

But that first hour would be electric.

Yeah.

Well, speaking of electric, should we get to our question?

Yeah, let's do it.

Let's do it.

Hello, handsomes.

My name is Carla from Columbus, Ohio.

Love your show.

You all keep me company in the car a lot, and I love it.

My question for you is, what is your favorite love story, either fictional and or in real life?

Oh my God, that's good.

Yes.

You know what?

You and Stephanie.

That's one of my faves in real life, you and Stephanie.

Oh, that is so nice to be here.

Because I'd watched your documentary before even meeting you guys.

I just was very invested.

I was going to say, I love my love story with Stephanie as well.

I do.

I do.

I,

yeah, I love it.

And I hope we can maintain it forever and ever.

Amen.

I would say the love story that I

love

is

Jimmy and Rosalind Carter.

Oh, I don't know about that one, really.

Oh, okay.

I mean, these two, well, I mean, you know who Jimmy Carter is, huh?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

But they were just obsessed with each other?

I don't know.

They just felt like a decent pairing of human beings that loved each other throughout the ages.

And

they met,

oh, wow.

The couple who met when Jimmy was three years old and Rosalind was a newborn.

Oh my God.

They wed on July 7th, 1946 and were married for 77

years.

Wow.

And they were such, um,

I don't know, just giving to the world and their community.

And

when I when I looked at at them raising a family and

going through the the White House as the President and first lady and

just staying so active in their lives.

And I just, I'm so envious of 77 years.

I mean, these people, they both live to be like 100 years old.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, it's crazy.

That's so appealing to me.

So appealing.

I watched the Paul Newman, Joanne Woodward documentary.

That was pretty beautiful.

And they had their ups and downs.

And, you know, as you do.

Yeah.

But, oh, man, like fictional, because they're all so sad, the fictional ones.

It's all Romeo and Juliet.

And, you know,

we'll get back to you about that one.

I don't know.

I mean, even though I didn't

want this relationship, but I was very fascinated by the Sid and Nancy story.

Oh, yes.

I mean, I was sucked in to that.

Yes.

Yeah, Buffy and Angel for me as well.

Like, Buffy and Angel.

What is that?

Oh, so Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

And then Angel.

You thought it was one word, Buffy and Angel?

No, I thought it was two people, but I just, I was like,

I thought maybe it was like a real, not real housewives, but like,

you know, where you pick your bride on TV.

Like the bachelor or something.

But anyway.

No, Buffy is a vampire slayer, and Angel is a vampire.

who has been cursed with a soul by

a group of traveling people who who he ate a woman basically okay so like 400 years ago angel ate this woman yeah start from the beginning yeah please and angel was a a bad guy he was a bad vampire and he ate this woman and so named angel um yeah isn't that ironic

wow yes and then he was cursed by

her family to have a soul so that he had to feel the grief of what he'd done and because he didn't have a soul before and so then he was a good vampire uh for 400 years and then he met, he met Buffy.

But guess what, Tay?

What, May?

Part of the curse was if he ever experienced a moment of pure joy, he would lose his soul again.

So he couldn't come.

He couldn't have an orgasm.

So he meets Buffy and they fall in love.

And he's like this sweet, caring vampire who just drinks like cow's blood, you know, to get by.

As you do.

As you do.

And then, and then, of course, one night they have sex.

Buffy loses her virginity to him.

She wakes up in the morning and he's evil.

And this really warped my sense of relationships and sexuality when I was a kid.

I was like, if you have sex, the person will leave and never love you again because he turned evil.

But then, you know, he's back and forth across the series, evil, not evil, evil, not evil.

But it was a very romantic and tortured

tale.

Yeah.

Wow.

And that's good.

You like you, that's your story that?

Well, I just was deeply invested.

Yeah, okay.

Yeah, it's kind of your sid and Nancy, I guess.

They're my sid and Nancy.

Okay.

All right.

Well, should we hear what Carla has to say?

Yes, please.

Carla from Columbus.

I love Ohio, by the way.

My fictional fave is Morticia and Gomez Adams.

I love the way they love each other.

My real life one is me and my person, Molly.

We sat two seats away from each other in homeroom for all of high school and then took many, many years to find each other again at 45.

so molly when you hear this let me know if you would do me the honor of spending the rest of your life with me oh thanks

what

what what oh my god

what is carla carla

you snuck that in

I mean, I didn't even know what was happening.

And then now I have chills.

Me too.

I just got chills, too.

Carla.

You guys delayed your chills, May.

Yeah,

you had to say yes.

I was more invested.

Carla and is it Molly?

Yeah.

Wow.

I know a Molly in Ohio.

God.

It's insane.

Molly.

No, I doubt it.

Molly's my first girlfriend.

So if it's Molly, Carla would know that and she would mention it.

But wow.

I hope that Molly says yes, Carla.

We're going to need an update.

Yeah.

Yeah.

For sure.

Oh my God.

Mind blown.

Yeah, that's amazing to be a conduit for this proposal, to be a part of your love story.

We're all done.

Yes.

Well done, Carla.

And welcome to the family, Molly.

Very, very cool.

All right.

Well, gosh, can we even

follow that?

I don't know either.

Do we do another question or we peace out there?

We could do one more.

Mr.

Thomas says we do one more.

So let's do one more.

Hello, handsomes.

This is Melody from Oklahoma City.

And my question for you guys is, what is a smell

that will transport you back to a time in your childhood or teenage years?

And it just brings back all the memories for you.

Yes, I have it immediately.

Really?

What is it?

Coppertone

sun screen lotion.

Oh,

yeah, that thick white.

Yeah, copper tone.

Copper tone, copper tone.

I'm right back in Mississippi.

Coppertone.

What about you?

Oh, man, that sounded like song lyrics.

Coppertone, copper tone, copper tone.

I'm right back in Mississippi, copper tone.

Well, write it.

I don't wait for your next album.

For me, the first thing that came to mind was my grandma in her kitchen, it smelled like sausages.

She always had sausages in the fridge.

And so.

Grandma's sausages.

Grandma's sausages.

In her problem area?

No, in her fridge

and it was a cold kitchen always very cold and the the smell of cold sausages in my grandma's kitchen

the smell of cold sausages in grandma's problem kitchen yeah you gotta write that song

you write it you lived it i did live it oh my gosh what else like uh i mean cigarettes kind of because my parents both smoked in the house and then oh my gosh yeah my parents smoked not only in the house, but in the car with the windows rolled up.

And if we complained about it, which my brother did, I mean, I already smoked, so I couldn't

really complain, but my brother would complain.

And I remember my stepfather, when my brother would be like, Can we roll down the window?

Rick would be like, No.

Oh, my God.

Yes.

Rick.

Because we had the air conditioner on in the car.

So nobody knew yet that we were being killed.

Oh, my God.

Also,

peanut butter cookies baking.

That's my only memory of my mom's mom, really.

She died when I was like two, and I vividly remember so much about her house, even though I must have been two.

Yeah, but I swear it's not from photos.

It's like the smell of peanut butter cookies baking and then cinnamon.

Oh, peanut butter.

Oh, okay.

I was thinking of nutter butters.

I was like, why were you baking your nutter butters?

Oh,

wait, what's that?

A nutter butter is like a cookie.

Oh, a cookie.

Well, it is vegan.

It's one of those accidental vegans.

Right, right, right.

Well, should we hear Melody's answer?

Yes, please.

Mine is the smell of fresh coffee grounds

and cigarettes.

When we would go on vacation with my family and my grandma and my aunt, you know, everybody smoked back then and smoked everywhere.

But the combination of coffee and cigarette smoke reminds me of being a kid and watching my grandma and my aunt and my mom sit around and drink coffee and just talk about our plans for the day.

So

that's a smell that will always take me back to that Motel Six

of my youth.

Love it.

Thank you guys.

Have a good week.

You too, thank you, Melody.

Yeah, coffee, coffee cronz.

That's pretty evocative.

It is, but it just reminds me of every day now.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

I don't always get to have copper tone around me.

Right.

Well, that was fun.

That was fun.

It's always lovely.

I just can't get over the Carla proposal.

I know.

And how crazy if it was Molly following up right after, if it hadn't been Melody.

As soon as I heard, my name is, I was like, is this Molly?

But it was Melody.

I know

if I'd known that something that monumental was going to come,

we probably would have been a little more on point with our answer.

Yeah, and I would have worn something different rather than

a little

denim western shirt that I've had for 30 years.

It has holes all in it.

Look at that.

I've had this for so long.

That's perfect, though.

It really is.

I'm sure Molly and Carla.

Or is it Carla and Molly?

It's,

I mean, I don't know.

We don't know these people, but I can't wait for their wedding.

Same.

I'll go.

Yeah.

You love Ohio.

You already said it.

Yeah, I do.

I love Ohio, and I'm open to them hiring me to officiate their wedding.

I've done that before and happy to do it again.

So give me a ring-a-ding, and if the price is right, I'll be there.

Anyway,

in the future, for other listeners, submit your questions and proposals to

speakpipe.com slash handsome pod.

That is speakpipe.com slash handsome pod.

And please come and see us live wherever we are and

subscribe to the pod and send it to your pals.

Yeah, let's grow this handsome community and check out tignotaro.com for all local and international shows.

And until next time,

keep it pretty handsome.

Handsome is hosted by me, Mae Martin, Tig Notaro, and Fortune Feemster.

The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Willette.

Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com and please follow us on social media at handsome pod.

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podcast!

What a podcast!

That was a hit gun podcast.