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Handsome, chatting with friends on the handsome pod.

Chatting with friends on the handsome pod.

Cheers.

Hi, it's me, your friend, Tignotaro.

I'm sitting here with my co-host.

I'm your friend and confidant, Mae Martin.

And I'm Fortune Feemster.

Welcome to the Handsome podcast.

Welcome.

It's just so smooth every time.

We are very happy to be here, and we are very happy to have you right here at Handsome Headquarters.

There's been a few changes here.

There's no dilly-dallying, no silliness.

We're just getting straight to the important business.

No jokes.

It's all politics and heavy talk.

Here on Handsome.

Did you get that memo, Fortune?

I know.

I better watch the news.

Oh.

Oh, no.

So,

are facts allowed?

Facts are not allowed.

Yeah.

No, what am I going to say?

Not in this climate.

Yeah.

What if we did just become all politics?

Oh, my God.

What if we not like ourselves?

If we became a politics podcast, but none none of us did any research or anything.

It was just what we know now.

Nobody does anymore.

Well, everyone does their own research.

Right.

Right?

Yeah.

I was thinking about buying a set of Encyclopedia Britannica for my house, and then I thought, I'm just like, that feels like I'm just giving up on the world.

I'm just retreating into this 90s bubble of like, things were better than, like,

I can't.

be surrounded by encyclopedias that are outdated.

A 90s bubble.

Well, that's what most.

Just by getting encyclopedias?

I don't feel like encyclopedias represent the 90s in the way that you think they're 90s, encyclopedia-wise.

I guess that's my association is like lying in my parents' basement reading these.

Yeah.

Yeah, you're right.

You're right.

They probably were around a lot longer, right?

Oh, they've been around for so much longer.

In fact, the 90s, that was the tail end of anyone caring

about encyclopedias.

My friend used to go door-to-door selling encyclopedias.

Well, can you hit up your friend and give them my address?

Well,

I think he works for AI now.

He's

like, I don't think I'm going to be able to do that.

No.

Yeah.

I think I think about

Kurt Cobain when I think about the 90s.

I don't think about

Kurt Loader.

Kurt Loader.

Who's Kurt Loader?

MTV.

From MTV.

But he was also the 80s.

Well, he was all of it.

Yeah.

He was who I got my news from.

Yeah.

Okay.

Who do you, okay, rapid fire?

Who do you associate with the 80s?

Aside from Kurt Loader.

Who's like Cindy Lauper?

George Michael.

Nice.

70s?

James Taylor.

Village people.

60s?

Janice John.

I should have been.

Who?

The people that dance on the beach.

Annette Fermi.

Surfer, what are you doing?

I'm having a beach party without you.

I want to hold your hand.

Wait, I've never heard that beach thing.

I mean, that's not a real song, but there was an era in that time where there was like Frankie Valley and

they had like beach parties.

Whenever, not whenever, Stephanie and I aren't sitting around talking about the 60s all the time, but

to Stephanie, the 60s,

that's like...

Very far away.

Well, no, I can't remember how, like, the kind of look of a housewife in the 60s.

And I guess, well, Mad Men was in the 50s, but it turned into the 60s.

Is that right?

Yeah, that's usually how it works.

Yeah.

Well,

how dare you?

I hadn't seen the show, so I don't know if the show went into the 60s, but

I feel like that was the reference point that she had for the 60s.

She talked about...

that world of the 60s, whereas to me, the 60s is like Jimi Hendrix and Janice Joplin.

Revolution.

Yeah, because she was like, oh, you know, the 60s, and she described fashion.

And I was like, wow, I picture bell bottoms.

And she was like, bell bottoms were the 70s.

And I was like, no, they were the 60s too.

Well, yeah, it's kind of end of 60s, early 70s.

I think right now, Kendrick Lamar wore them for the Super Bowl.

Yeah, I saw that Kendrick Lamar.

Do you know who is obsessed with Kendrick Lamar?

Your boys?

Finn.

Really?

Oh my God.

That's so cute.

He was putting his playlist together for what?

Last night and this morning to get him ready for his basketball game.

He's like, they're not like us.

They're not like us.

I mean,

and also,

what is your opinion on this?

I'm very curious, Thomas included.

And not to single you out right now, like I don't care about your opinion other times, Thomas.

But because you've known Max and Finn since the day they were born, I'm going to include you in this.

But how would

any of you feel with your kid listening to music that had

really vulgar and inappropriate language in their eight?

I don't know.

I would love it right now.

Yeah.

I think I'd be okay with it if I talked to them about it and said, you know, sometimes it's cathartic to say these words and like it's art, you know, and you can't just say them all the time unless you really mean it.

That's what my mom always said.

Okay, Mr.

Thomas.

Yeah, my parents let me read whatever books and listen to whatever music I wanted and they would have

commentary about it.

But I think it was helpful to feel like I could explore whatever

I needed to or was curious about.

Yeah.

But it is tricky.

I mean, I probably was listening to milder music than Kendrick Lamar.

They might have had stronger opinions.

Yeah.

I mean, he's awesome, but there are many explicit words.

Well, yeah, when I was like saying to Finn about like the language, he was like, he won a Pulitzer Prize, which is

true.

I didn't know that.

He was like, yeah,

he's really great.

He wins awards.

And

I was like, totally get that.

But I mean, there's...

really vulgar stuff.

And I guess our feeling is, I mean,

he loves him

so much.

He can rap all of his songs like at the same speed that you can't.

Take that away from him, yeah.

Well, exactly.

And also, we have talked to him about certain words that are in that.

Like the N-word is in there.

He can't be running around.

No, well, no.

And Stephanie was like, she talked to him, them, both of them, when I was out of town, saying, this is not just a bad word.

This is hate speech.

Right.

And explained how and why.

Just went into the whole thing.

Yeah.

Of racism.

And well, I feel like with Kendrick, like, as long as

the messaging is good, like, it's, you know, in the early 2000s, you wouldn't have wanted your kids singing some of that stuff that was like so misogynistic and vile.

But, you know, as long as the message is good.

But anyway, it's interesting.

Why am I telling you about Kendrick?

No, I don't know how we got onto this.

I think I brought it up.

Bell Bottoms.

Oh, yes.

Oh, right.

Yes.

That was like a dream day.

The Super Bowl with Kendrick Lamar at halftime.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Does Finn want bell bottoms now?

I'm waiting to see.

He wears his drip.

Do you know what drip is?

A chain?

Yeah.

Finn wears his gold chains

and it's called drip.

You know, and so

yeah, he wanted gold chains.

And so now he has some gold chains.

He's got some drip.

I hope bell bottoms come back.

Like, like a bit of androgyny would be nice.

Like, and my dad used to wear like platform shoes and eyeliner and stuff.

Like, why didn't that come back?

Yeah, that's so interesting.

I never thought about bell bottoms being androgynous, but I guess like and platform shoes

wearing like skin-tight bell bottoms, but I feel like these days people will be like, they're queer baiting.

I think I saw somewhere that those he has the same stylus as Timothy Chalamet.

And those

had been pulled for Timothy, but Kendrick ended up wearing them.

I really want that stylist, whoever that is.

And Fortune, that is such a Hollywood term.

Pulled that for him.

Pulled that jean because it's a $1,300 pair of jeans.

Right.

But do people, I don't know.

Maybe people all around Call pulled that, meaning took it out for you.

Pulled it off the rack.

Pulled it off the rack and set it out for you yeah they pulled that outfit for me thirteen hundred dollars I wish I'd held on to their Celine I don't think your old bell bottoms are worth thirteen hundred may is that what you're thinking

well I used to go to sporting life on young street and I'd get my adidas tear away pants and my really bell bottom skinny jeans.

I've never had bell bottoms.

Really?

Mm-mm.

I got to show off my gams.

I'm in short shorts.

Yeah, right.

Yeah.

Do you wear short shorts so short that like a little bit of your moon is hanging out at the bottom?

Oh, my butt?

Yeah.

I don't have a butt, so ain't no moon.

You don't have a butt?

Just flies.

How do you sit down?

I have zero butts.

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I like when you can see someone's butt coming out of their short shorts.

I wish I don't love that.

I just sound like

an old fuddy duddy.

That's not my thing.

I've been seeing, especially girls in the airports, wearing these shorts with their asses hanging out.

And I'm like, in the airport?

Grandpa,

cold.

Grandpa, Fortune.

I'm a grandpa with that stuff.

I'm just like, it's freezing on these planes.

Yeah.

And they're gross seats.

Why are you letting your asshole?

Wait, wait.

I'm sorry.

Why are they picking assholes out of this?

I said, they're off for a minute.

Their buttholes literally hanging out of their shorts.

There's no way it's not getting germs from those seats.

What airport are you going to?

Go on any plane.

They're just going to...

Their rectum is hanging.

Like, I don't understand.

Like, their butts literally hanging out of these shorts.

Uh-huh.

And I'm sure a part of their butthole exposed as well.

My God.

Why don't you ask them?

I want to say, ma'am, do you need some more material?

What is it called when your rectum kind of falls out?

prolapse prolapsed rectum so are you saying that these young girls have prolapsed rectums no i'm just saying they need to let because if it's a medical condition

i just don't want to see someone's butt hanging out would you rather see a prolapsed uh anus

no rectum what do you want to see i think personally would like to see like in the old days um Like, or even my dad still sort of dresses up to take a flight.

Like, he'll put on a drink.

Oh, I don't need that.

I'm still in full sweatpants oh okay you want yeah i just i just don't

see your ass hanging out of your shorts okay not even mine not even yours tig god i'm glad you guys can only see me from the shoulders up right now because my ass are

short

oh my gosh you still have a short short to not see your butthole How?

I've never seen a butthole to clarify hanging out of my short short shorts.

Oh, oh,

that surprises me.

Can I shift gears here?

Yeah, please.

Church,

I made apple pancakes this morning.

Ooh, how was your prolab stanis?

No,

I just have finally like settled into this house.

And I um since yesterday?

Yeah, yeah.

Since when we talked.

Yeah, so I bought like some groceries, and then this morning

I had some pancake mix, and I was going to make a regular pancake, and then I thought, I couldn't do more than that.

And so I chopped up an apple, fried it in some butter and cinnamon,

then poured the pancake batter in.

What a day.

So,

how did it come out?

Five minutes late to record.

You're finishing your pancakes.

Or don't let us bother you.

Oh, it's handsome time.

We're sitting here on the Zoom for seven extra minutes.

I have no idea that May is just sitting there

salting the apples, eating pancakes with a prolapse danus hanging out of your shorts.

Were they good?

They were really good.

They needed, there was something missing.

I don't know what, but yeah.

I got it in Tig, this is the first time you've seen my house, but that won't be how the window looks permanently.

I have no judgment.

I secretly was like, well, the...

What the windows?

Can I tell you about the house I live in?

Yeah.

Very nice house.

Yeah.

However,

Stephanie and I moved in when Max and Finn were one.

Okay.

They were tiny babies.

And so we didn't put anything on the walls for a long time.

Thomas, I don't know if you remember this.

We didn't even have furniture in our living room.

We only had like play pens and stuff.

And Max and Finn were like the most

active, into

everything

kids.

And then together it was like, they weren't weren't like, you know, I don't even want to, no kid is bad, but like, they weren't, they were just so active.

Yeah, yeah.

And so we were like, we are not decorating our house at all.

Okay.

And then the pandemic hits, and we're like, well, we can't redo our house or like, you know,

do any we're just gonna, we have to wait till it's safe again.

Yeah.

And then we started to think, oh, we're gonna move.

We're gonna get a different house.

And then we didn't.

And now, Max and Finner 8, I never would have noticed, but Stephanie pointed out we have our house is so outdated.

And I have, I don't have a good eye for that.

I do now because I feel, because Stephanie has pointed things out, but it's taken us so long, like the countertops and like certain like

the molding across around the ceiling and stuff like that.

So for me to look at that window behind you,

which is truly almost exposed to the outside, but it's gonna be

a thing to me.

The size, and now I'm gonna make it the size of that.

But I'm gonna put a stained glass, um, and you get to design what kind of stained glass pattern you want.

So, I'm open to suggestions.

Maybe a

glass stainet?

I have a hole in my wall.

Oh, you do?

What's that from?

My plumbing went kaput in this bathroom.

Oh,

and they opened up the wall trying to get to it, a busted pipe, and it didn't

go anywhere.

So it's just a hole in my wall.

They had to go through the tile to get to the pipe.

So I have like thousands of dollars

worth of damage for one busted pipe.

Oh, my gosh.

Are they going to fill up the holes?

Yeah.

This is the next week or two.

Sorry.

The buttholes?

Well, I guess guess I'm just trying to say we're all going through it with our houses, all right?

Well, it's a long process, and probably you and Stephanie were like, oh, we'll just live in it, and then we'll get to know what it needs.

Yeah, we're going to do this, and we kept kicking it down the road.

But then you're like,

you're like, no, it's all right.

Well, and we have friends that my friend's partner is like a really talented carpenter handyman kind of guy.

Wait, are you talking talking about Jonathan Scott?

Well, no, I mean, he is a very talented handyman friend that doesn't have time for our ridiculous things.

Yeah, I love like Jonathan Scott's going around

people's handyman.

Well, he's the nicest guy, and I've certainly abused the friendship a few times.

But no, this is a friend who lives in Texas, and her partner is really talented, and he's supposed to come and make our life right.

Oh, nice.

That's good.

Yeah, but who knows when that's going to happen?

All I'm saying is I feel you on the window, May.

Thanks.

I was very butch last night.

Oh, let's hear about it.

It was.

But you're getting so girly to talk about your butchiness.

You guys, oh my gosh, gather around.

Let me tell you how butchy I was.

You wouldn't effing effing believe how butch I was last night.

Girl, tell us.

Girl, let me tell you what I did.

I got home and

I noticed that there's a large olive tree.

Well, it's like an olive tree, but it's not like a tall, tall tree.

It's more like a big, large bush.

Hello.

An olive bush.

Okay.

And

it had gotten very unruly.

So Jax is out of town.

And I'm like, what else am I going to do?

Besides, you know, maybe order food from Cheesecake Factory.

Exactly.

What else does one do?

So I got our, we have like,

what is this called?

Sheer.

Axe.

Scythe.

Toothbrush.

Oh, electric trimmer.

Electric trimmer.

Yes.

I got it out of the grand

and I trim that bush, baby.

Oh, my God.

But it was tall.

And I was like, I was like, probably shouldn't have done this, but I was like doing it over my head.

Like,

you were making that noise with your mouth when you were doing it.

And there was nothing in your hands.

And that's it.

So it was a lot.

I couldn't believe how much I took off of it.

Yeah.

And I, and it's a beautiful round shape.

Can you post a picture on our social media, please?

Yeah, it's very boring.

What it looks like.

Please.

It's not like I made a swan.

It doesn't matter.

Please, can you take a picture?

Sure.

And we'll post it on social.

We need content, remember?

Now, let me ask you this.

Had you ever done this before?

Or were you like, I got some free time.

The lady's away.

Truth be told, I did it once before.

Didn't know we had an electric trimmer

until Jack one day took it out to trim this other small bush that is between us and our neighbor's house.

It was getting unruly.

It was a pineapple apart.

Yeah, it was getting unruly.

So she started trimming that.

And I was like, oh, I didn't even know we had this.

And then she put it down.

So I was like, let me see how this.

I was like, oh, this is easy.

And guys, I trimmed that bush.

Do you feel?

Did you feel really like you'd accomplish?

Like, that's, you go to bed

better that night?

Handy as

F.

Yeah.

Oh, that's great.

Did you listen to a podcast while you did it or you just let the picture?

No, I had I just used I just used my imagination

when she was using the imaginary tremor.

She was just entertained myself.

Viggy was outside with me, not near the tremor.

But we just, I mean, I didn't need to distract myself.

I was just one with nature while I cut it down.

That's nice.

Oh man, I want that.

I want

to be present at

some nature.

There's some butch lesbian listening to this right now who lives in like South Dakota.

You think we have a lesbian following?

I don't think we have any lesbian foes.

And she's like in the woods right now listening to our podcast while she's like got an axe in one hand and a giant leaf blower in another.

And I love that

laughing.

Like,

Fortune thinks that's butch.

And let me tell you, Janice.

Yes, it is.

You think that's butch?

I took out my own appendix with no anesthetic.

Wait, Janice is a butchy name to you?

Yeah.

Janice.

Janice, I picture the receptionist from Ferris Bueller's Day Off, even though I don't think that's her name.

But that's what I picture for Janice a little bit.

Linda?

Is that better?

Linda.

Linda.

I'm thinking Linda Ronstadt.

Yeah, Terry.

Still

Terry.

Like, Terry.

Oh, my name's Terry.

Terry, that's a good one.

Maxine.

Terry's got a carabiner and is about to take you on a boat ride around the lake.

Stephanie does this character of like a husband that yells at his wife, who's named Linda, about the cat getting into his office.

So he's like, Linda, the cat, get the cat's in my office.

Linda, come get the cat.

Oh, oh god what if one of us had a husband i might have one of us did i still could yeah

wait do you want a husband i thought i i knew you like guys but do you i would you be into an actual husband

guys loves guys loves guys but loves but also do you want to

would you ever want to brag about yeah i would have a if i met a guy who was like

obsessed with me

then yeah yeah i'd love a husband i think if i met a guy who was obsessed with me and let me have a girlfriend.

No, I think I could, I think I'm like,

maybe

I'd be insecure.

Like, I wouldn't believe that he was really into me.

If he was obsessed with me, yeah, I might also want a girlfriend on the side, but I would love, I would be happy with a husband.

Wait a minute.

So, but when you're hooking up with men now,

don't you think some of them are obsessed with you, just like some women are?

Or do you not see yourself as obsessible?

I think I'm in the moment of hooking up, and I dated a guy for like six months a few years ago, and

that was great.

Yeah, yeah, I don't know.

I think,

yeah, it's a little scarier when men are obsessed.

Well, no, I mean, I don't mean like take it from Fortune.

Take your nails.

Sorry.

No offense.

Hashtag not all men, but you know.

Fortune's got some pretty spooky stories of the dude she got.

Cut a nickel for every man that was obsessed with this old gal.

I'd have a lot of nickles.

Yeah.

Yeah, no,

I would almost want to have a husband just to shock you guys.

And to kill spiders.

Yeah.

Oh, man.

Sometimes a husband, the idea sounds nice, but then I'm like, that's just a roommate.

Well, that's because

you're not romantically inclined that way.

But I've I've had girlfriends who, every girlfriend I've had actually is probably braver than me at like spiders and stuff.

Well, I don't know if you heard how butch I am.

I pick up spiders with my bare hands.

What?

Yeah.

Terry.

Yes, I know.

Terry picks them up, tosses them out, and my whole family calls me Country Mouse.

Why do you

think you're not afraid of your bare hands?

So do you think

they won't bite?

Well, I can kind of tell that they're just little house spiders.

Yeah, yeah.

You know,

we don't have like black widows.

Yeah, we're not like in the middle of Australia.

They're in Australia, though.

Huh?

Black widows are in LA?

Yeah.

Oh, fuck.

And they get through radial windows, too, you know.

No, don't say that.

Oh, my God.

I'm going to see them crawling in behind me.

Yeah, it's easy if also if you have like a piano backed up to the radial windows.

You'll hear eight

keys.

I went to stay in a bed and breakfast in Wales with my friend and I booked it.

I was like, I felt like with Debbie?

No, I wish.

And I was like, this place looks so adorable.

And we arrived and then the woman took us to our room and she goes, oh, well, you've got company tonight.

And we went, what do you mean?

And then she points to the ceiling and there were spiders all over it.

No.

And we said, well, can you get rid of them?

She went, oh, they'll only come back.

They'll only come back.

So So we'll be back.

They'll be pissed and they'll kill you.

And did they stay on the ceiling?

Yeah, they were, I mean, we just had to fall asleep.

My nightmare.

It was hell.

It was hell to me.

A bed and breakfast.

And the bathroom was carpeted and the carpet was damp in the bathroom.

I stayed in a hotel.

I was in a color people.

Yeah.

I was in a room with a rat.

Oh, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

And they couldn't find it and there was no other extra room.

And it was like, oh my gosh.

And then also, obviously, you know, the comedian Morgan Murphy, she and I shared a room, a motel room in Austin, so many years ago.

I'll have to find this video of us in a room.

And there was a roach in there that was the size of a horse.

Oh, Christian.

And

we were squealing like little tiny girls.

And then we we couldn't find it.

And then we saw it again.

And then

it walked out the door.

Really?

Like under the door.

It just

was, I'm out.

Yeah.

And I was laughing like it knows it's in a gross motel room.

It was like, this place is disgusting.

I'm Peter Sagal.

NPR is very serious, mostly.

It treats newsmakers with all due respect, almost all the time.

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But that's funny that you're fine picking out spiders, but then that roach spun you out.

Yeah, roaches are a different thing.

And plus, like, living in Mississippi as a kid, I got very scarred because roaches

not only are gigantic,

not only do they fly

but they have necks

and heads and like can turn like what do you mean they can do exactly what i'm saying they they are large with wings and they have necks cockroaches have necks is a new i've got to write that down so i don't forget that write that down i need to write that down and with that we should uh get on to our uh guests shall we

well today's question askers are two soccer stars who have won multiple gold medals as members of the U.S.

women's soccer team.

They're also entrepreneurs and podcasters.

Their show, Recap, is all about global soccer and women's sports.

And on top of that, they're an amazing, awesome, cool couple.

Tobin Heath.

and Kristen Press

are asking today's question.

Hello, handsome.

I'm Kristen Press.

And I'm Tobin He.

And we are not entirely sure how we got the call up to be on your amazing show because we are notoriously fun but not funny.

And our show, The Recap Show, we laugh a lot, but it's mostly people laughing at us, not with us.

Although, I feel like.

I feel like you've found...

your sense of humor on the show.

Yeah.

You're always so serious sometimes.

Am I funny or am I serious?

Oh, that's the question.

Um, okay, so we have a question for you all.

And Tobin forgot it.

No, I know the question.

Fair.

Are you a sports fan?

For those of us, for those of you who don't know, we play sports.

We play soccer.

So we're wondering: are you sports fans?

What teams do you support?

And do you think that sports

was

made for you uh are the commentators players are they entertaining for you are they calling in women non-binary people are demographic why are why not

thanks for the support here

good luck

so I will start off by saying this is very exciting for me.

I am a huge fan of our U.S.

women's national soccer team.

I had the honor of getting to announce the roster

for our women's World Cup team.

No, women

ended up winning gold, baby.

Yes.

Congrats.

Fortune.

Thank you.

I have a lot to believe.

So anyone who follows women's soccer knows that Tobin and Kristen are legends.

They are two of the best to have ever played.

Watching them

was such a treat.

They're pretty incredible, and they're doing a ton for women's sports and helping to like bring it more to the forefront and covering it with their podcast and a lot of their other endeavors.

Just two people that are really very big voices for women's sports.

And

many, many years, people did not know they were a couple.

People had speculations.

And when they finally came out in recent times, it broke the internet for the women sports fans.

How long have they been together?

I think like eight years.

Oh, wow.

But only

out only publicly in the last like year, maybe?

Wow.

And do you know what they did?

Liberating.

They went to the SP Awards.

They took a picture on the carpet together.

holding pinkies.

And everyone was like, gay.

Those are the gayest pinkies I've ever seen.

Oh, man.

Well, even when they were asking the question, they were like, do you feel like the commentators and things are for you?

I was like, oh, I never thought about that.

Yeah, I don't think I've ever heard a sort of queer or non-binary, or I don't hear many female commentators, but also I need to be,

I've always watched the World Cup, the men's World Cup soccer and the European.

cup and stuff and uh sometimes i watch the premier league in england but then i i never ended up watching women's soccer because i was always with like groups of friends in pubs and things yeah and then now it's fine finally people are playing it in in pubs and i got really into the british women's soccer team and when i watched it i was like this is such better

tv because a they're not faking injuries every five seconds they're like playing incredibly well with precision and they're but yeah there just isn't as much not to generalize but it felt like there wasn't as much ego and like i mean some some of those games for the World Cup, when people are just like somersaulting, and then they show the replay and nobody touched them.

It's insane.

And it feels like the women's teams don't do that as much.

Yeah.

Now, can I say something?

Yeah.

May, you know, he'll say things like

no press.

Yeah.

Or like no pressure and stuff like that.

Yeah.

I thought when you just said, yeah, and I watched it in pubs with people.

Yeah.

I thought you met like in public.

In pubs.

But I liked it so much that I really would like for people to take that and run.

And if we could get a new

word craze going, like, yeah, let's meet up in pubs.

Yeah, let's meet up in pubs.

Oh, yeah.

Well, they were a couple, but they were never in pubs together.

I think I'm a naturally athletic person.

And I was very drawn drawn to soccer as a child.

I played from the time I was five until I was 11 or 12, something like that.

But then I started smoking and I just kind of went down the rock and roll, like,

what's up path.

But Max and Finn are like obsessed.

Well, Finn really is obsessed.

Max plays, but we kind of suspect it's just to be around Finn.

And he's good.

He's really good.

But Finn is, as you know, very into stats and the history of different teams.

And he wants to go to all the different stadiums.

Right.

You know.

Anyway, my brother is very into sports.

And so I played with him as a kid.

But

I was just telling Stephanie last night because when we were falling asleep, she was mentioning this baseball player named Tatisse, who is on the San Diego Padre baseball team.

And I was like, oh, right.

Tatis is on the Padres.

And Stephanie said, Isn't it so funny how many sports people, like, you know, their names?

And I said, that is so funny.

Cause the last time I knew sports figures' names was in the 70s

when I was growing up with my brother.

And I knew football players, baseball players, basketball, all of that.

And

I would say I catch things on TV, but I don't naturally gravitate towards it as an adult.

I did stop smoking, but I'm still cool.

And

but I enjoy going to live games.

Like we've gone to see Angel City.

Yeah.

We go see the Dodgers, you know, all that kind of stuff.

So that's, it's kind of for

to be around my family.

Kids.

Yeah.

I would really like to go to a game with you guys.

That would be amazing.

I'm saying that mainly because I have a feeling you can get tickets and that you get good seats.

And maybe we can only go because you can get tickets.

I wouldn't know where to go.

Thank you.

That's so flattering.

I guess get me a ticket while you're at it.

I'm mainly saying that because I know you can get me a ticket.

Well, we'd love to have you, May.

I love sports.

I played them my whole life.

I started soccer when I was five years old because my brothers were playing and I wanted to do anything that they did.

And I was kind of girly.

My mom had me in dresses and then I discovered soccer and that was it.

It was like umbros.

Soccer was my life.

I was obsessed with it.

I started playing tennis because my oldest brother played tennis.

So I started that at seven.

Oh my God.

What I wouldn't pay to see seven-year-old Fortune playing tennis.

Oh my God.

God, it's so cute.

I know.

Thinking of me playing tennis at seven is wild.

I also played T-ball.

I started in T-ball.

Is that like softball?

What is it?

It's T-balls where the base,

it's a softer ball and it's on a

sits on a T and you just try to hit it off.

It's like for little, little kids.

Yeah.

And then I was a kid of the 80s and 90s, so I had a basketball goal in my backyard and nothing to do.

So I just shot basketballs all day.

And I'm assuming you had encyclopedias as well.

Tons of encyclopedias.

It was the 90s after all.

So when I got to junior high, we didn't have a women's soccer team.

And I had played with boys my whole life.

And they didn't allow girls to play on the boys' team in school.

So I had to quit soccer.

Yeah.

And began playing tennis,

softball, basketball, and did that all throughout.

junior high and high school.

Then I played college tennis all four years.

And then my senior year of college, after having not played soccer since I was 12, I joined the college soccer team as well.

Do you watch it regularly now?

Like you're still.

I watch only women's soccer.

I don't really enjoy the men's soccer, kind of based on what you were saying earlier.

So much faking.

Though I like, you know, Messi and players like Zidane, like these, these legends, I obviously followed their career, but I prefer the women's soccer.

World Cup is like my dream.

I love the Olympics, all that stuff.

When the Olympics was on, I was watching everything.

Yeah.

But I don't watch like sports on the reg.

Like, I don't really, I'm not really into the NBA.

I'll watch like...

You're not like Finn.

Yeah.

I'll watch like the Super Bowl, and I enjoy watching the Dodgers.

This just popped into my head because you were saying Zinedine Zeden and then and the 90s, like that, like those were, I would watch the, like, like Petit and Bartez and stuff like that.

And there was this guy called Michael Owen, who was like the star of the England team

in the World Cup when I was a kid that was like most memorable to me.

And

he was so young.

And anyway, I just Googled it because I was like, did I invent this?

He said famously that he'd only watched eight movies in his life.

And he just, he tweeted recently, I watched my eighth ever film on the flight home.

I must have been bored.

I hate hashtag hate films.

So he's only watched eight movies.

And the movies he's watched are rocky heat ghost jurassic park cool runnings sea biscuit karate kid sea and forrest

and and he hates them all he hates them all and then

some of his choices are questionable i know i know oh my gosh max and finn watched cool runnings on a loop for about two years it was fun oh my gosh they loved it so much the jamaican bobsled team i also want to say i'm i'm realizing i didn't just start smoking and go down the i'm cool

road

i started not doing well in school and they started not letting me play anymore and i don't agree with that no mentality that if you make bad grades you can't play sports because i think it's a pylon yeah against like

destroying your self-esteem.

They always do that in school.

They punish you by taking away the thing that you want to do, the elective thing that you're passionate about.

Well, yeah.

And I think that if you, I think that

if you're excelling in a sport, that can make you feel better about yourself.

Or if you're excelling in music or

you know what I mean?

I don't know.

I just don't feel like sports should be taken away from someone

because they're struggling in school because maybe you have a lot of rough stuff going on at home, you know,

and that's something that's going to save your life is music or sports or some sort of camaraderie, you know?

But instead, I kind of, yeah, I just,

I was like on the outside smoking in the woods, you know.

Yeah.

I remember I was told I couldn't do drama the following year.

I thought you were going to say drugs.

Yeah.

Well, that too, but

I wasn't allowed to do drama

for the following year because I was so bad at math.

So they just made me do more math.

And it was like, how is that going to, right?

I switched to schools because i was like it's crazy take away the thing that yeah keeps you engaged i feel like sports helped me get through my childhood yeah

when things were like chaotic at home or my parents were divorcing and and things were just like sometimes just not good and i didn't want to be at home I just felt like so lucky I had practice to go to.

And that camaraderie is important and

builds builds you up and teaches you how to be a teammate and cheer for other people and support other people there's a lot of cool lessons so yeah to take that away from a kid would be hard for for schools or teachers to be like you failed you're off the team that black and whiteness is so

i think

It's

really, really bad news

because

the

support that kids get in these extracurricular activities where they're maybe falling

so far behind academically,

the other

classes or

activities can

be what saves them and keeps them on the right track and feel that they're not being cut out of life and

on the outside.

Do you guys cry when you watch sports?

I cry every time anyone scores a goal.

Oh my god, even Stephanie.

I really sports movies.

Oh man, I cry when anyone wins or scores a goal.

I mean, I can't say that she does, that she's not as unhinged, May.

But

no,

she's very emotional about sports, but also sports movies.

And then like sports documentaries and things like that.

Oh, yeah.

There's some really good ones.

Real

Real wrapped up.

Netflix has a lot of sports

documentaries right now.

Even I'm not like a big track person, but sometimes I'll watch Sprint.

Just to like see all the

work that goes into these professional athletes' lives is pretty like impressive.

I could never have that kind of

dedication

in that way.

I mean, it takes a very special person.

That's why there's only so many many professional athletes.

But yeah, it's too much nutrition for me.

Not to get like zeitgeisty or like

political, but when you're talking about like how valuable sports can be for young people who feel alienated or are struggling, it just makes me so sad that trans kids are not being allowed to play sports and that that's become such a it's such a tiny percentage of the population and it's so not a threat.

But

anyway, yeah,

Anyway,

it is

a very,

very weird time.

It's a weird time.

I mean, weird is putting it way too casually, but

yeah, it all reverberates in every direction, I think, in and out of sports and people's,

you know,

you can be like, oh, this is my belief.

I'm protecting women.

It's like,

why is this where you're protecting women?

Yeah.

Like, why, why is this?

Like, what?

Why aren't you trying to keep them alive?

Yeah, why doesn't it apply to reproductive rights or anything like that?

Also, I would say, if, because I totally understand people's knee-jerk response to the sports

thing,

but I would just encourage people to do some research, read some stats, and

it's all the information is out there to clarify what's going on there.

And I think if you you want to protect women, yeah, aside from these issues, it's like women are being abused and raped.

And

where was everyone's concern about protecting women with those issues?

Why is it coming out in sports?

When we elected a rapist

into office.

But, you know, as we mentioned, we're

not a political podcast.

Political podcast.

If you want to get your politics, go

to our political podcast.

We are not the one, but sometimes things come up.

Sometimes things slip through.

We'd rather be talking about prolapse.

Prolapsed anuses, you know.

And if you have a prolapsed anus, it's not funny.

No.

Fortune just doesn't want to see it hanging out.

I don't want to see it.

I think that probably is why I do enjoy

watching these women's sports get

more due because then you see more women commentators.

You know, it does speak to you and your experience is more

sports is obviously so male dominated

that

I feel like women's sports is the only place that was really giving women an opportunity to be like commentators.

I'm happy to see

how far it's come.

I mean to have grown up where I couldn't even play on the team because girls weren't allowed to play with boys and then there was not even a women's team.

It's like.

That's crazy.

Yeah.

Well, it's because they care about women and girls.

That's why they kept

protecting you.

You might protect your fall and hurt your knees.

They care about women.

Right.

And this is

where it's coming out.

I mean, our amazing question askers, Tobin and Kristen, I would also say, do you know any single soccer players that you could introduce me to?

I bet they do.

There's some cute soccer players.

Oh my God.

Yeah.

Not to be that.

I hope you're not into Abby Wombach because Abby is taken.

Oh, of course.

No, I would never.

I don't want to break anybody up.

Yeah.

That's right.

I just had an image of me sitting in like my backyard and I'm drinking like a tea or something.

Then my wife is just like, what do you call it?

Dribbling?

Wait, no.

Yeah.

Maybe up with his darn players.

Listen to them.

What do you call it when you're

not not kicking?

Dribbling's a basketball, but when you're just running circles around people with kicking the ball, little small kicks around.

Yeah, it's called kicking.

Kicking, yeah, sure.

So my wife is.

Kristen is so sporty.

Kicking the ball around me.

Kristen and Tobin are going to be so inside.

What is it called when you're kicking the ball around?

No, you know what I mean, right?

Kicking.

No, but your feet are like

in your,

you know.

Do you know any attractive women

who make this

but mainly we just want to make sure that the men that are out there fighting for women right now

just you know also don't forget to be as outraged by the other horrendous things going on

against women.

If you're going to get outraged and really protect women,

yeah.

Did we hear Tobin and Kristen's answer?

Oh, yeah.

Let's hear Tobin and Kristen's answer.

I mean, I feel like they like sports.

What does that mean?

They do like sports.

But let's find out.

Maybe we'll be surprised.

So my answer is that I love sports.

Oh.

And I love playing sports.

I love watching sports, you know, even

what people would consider the boring ones like golf.

And I think some of my favorite sports were the ones we kind of got to make up in our backyard or in our minds and go play.

One that I remember was my family, they weren't,

I didn't come from a soccer family, but my dad could punt the ball really, really high.

And I remember I had three other siblings, and he would just literally punt the ball as high up into the air as possible.

And we would all kind of like fight each other to the death to try to catch it.

That was one of my favorite sports.

And I would say that I don't think sports media made the door wide enough for us, which is part of our passion now and the type of media we're creating because I just try to create content that little sports tobin would want to watch and would be proud of.

Yeah, I love that.

I think this might be reading a touch obvious because if I had the same answers whatever, that would be boring.

I play sports.

I don't consider myself a sports fan which is a touch taboo in

professional sports because I don't even like watching my own sport.

I think that at some point in my life I just fell behind in the knowledge category and then I really don't like when I'm not knowledgeable about something so then I was just like no this is not for me.

The caveat here is that I love live sports and I love live entertainment because I don't think you have to really know what's going on to be able to see greatness unfold in front of you.

Um, so I do

go to an EPL game, generally her favorite team, Arsenal, um, every year.

And what matters to me is really just being in the stadium with all the people with so much passion and just having a comfortable seat.

There you go, maybe a blanket, maybe a nice warm beverage, and a sheet outfit, and I'm good to go.

Thank you for having us on.

Handsome.

Thank you.

I love it.

That's interesting.

That there's

a lot of.

But the live sport, I agree.

You can like Jax is not into sports, but she'll have a good time if we go somewhere.

Yeah.

Also, like going to the Dodgers games, they got vegan dogs.

And, you know, that's, I'm there for the peanuts.

And sometimes I'll have a beer with the peanuts and Dodger dog.

It's you.

I know.

Sporty spice over there.

Stephanie and I have that moment where she's like, Are you going to get a beer?

And I'm like, I don't know.

I might.

Like,

Terry,

I don't know.

I might do it, Terry.

And sure enough, I ate a bag of peanuts, have a beer, and a vegan Dodger dog.

And I'm like, this was a blast.

That is living.

Well, maybe, maybe the handsomes can go see a game sometime so i'd love that

tickets tickets yeah

yeah yeah yeah i love that i'm the go-to ticket

i was thinking more fortune i feel like oh fortune let's put it all on fortune probably get some tickets

we should go to an angel city game that's what i'd like yeah put on the list oh my gosh we all have a beer and some peanuts yeah bring mr thomas let's do it great i mean i kind of want to say this but I kind of don't.

But that one time sports ruined an orgy for me.

And it was a...

Wow.

I'm wondering what your hang-up was.

There were like

four of us, and it was sort of the plan.

And then we went to watch the finals of the European Cup.

And we were in Greece at the time.

And we went to pubs.

Great place for orgies.

Were you in pubs?

We were in pubs.

And we went, and it was like the streets were packed

with British tourists and Italian tourists.

And it was England versus Italy.

And

it was just

so exciting.

And England, like, and then England lost in the penalty shootout at the end.

And then

it ruined the mood.

We were so devastated.

And especially

my one friend was like almost in tears.

And we just couldn't.

It was just so bleak.

I can't explain like the energy and the.

No one wanted a sad orgy.

Oh, I would have still, but everybody else.

You're like, bullet together.

Does everybody hold each other

at the end of an orgy?

Yeah, kind of, yeah.

Really?

Pinky?

Fortune's like, okay, I'll do it.

Pinkies.

Can I get pinkies?

Just looking for a hug.

Yeah.

Anyway, that was a great episode, guys.

That was a

podcast.

And somehow ended with an orgy.

Of course.

How else would we get out of this conversation?

I don't want to add any fuel to the fire that, you know, the theory that my whole personality is orgies.

I've only had a handful.

That's a lot.

You know what?

That's one more than me.

That's many more.

That's a handful more.

I'm going to share some things I have coming up, if that's all right with everyone.

Please do.

The wonderful film Come See Me in the Good Light, which is the documentary about Andrea Gibson and their partner Meg Falley.

Well, first of all, it won Sundance this year.

Oh, my God.

Not just in the documentary category, but out of even scripted films, won the festival.

And it's going to be at the Boulder Film Festival the weekend of March 15th.

I also wanted to mention that

we, of course, will be with Handsome in Nashville on April 6th.

Yeah, we are.

And

Handsome in Austin on April 12th is sold out, but we are going to live stream that.

So get your tickets now and let's have a big party.

I'm going to be in Eureka Springs, Arkansas, June 14th

with some of my new material.

And then I'm also going to be in P-Town, August 23rd.

And

West Hampton Beach, New York, August 17th.

And then working on new material at Largo Dynasty Typewriter.

When I'm back in Toronto, I'll be at Comedy Bar.

So that's what I'm up to.

What about you, too?

Not much.

I'm at Largo end of March doing new material in LA.

And also, my friend Carolyn Taylor has a documentary series called I Have Nothing.

Speaking of sports, it's about her quest to choreograph an Olympic-level Paris figure skating routine, even though she's never skated or choreographed.

And it's on Peacock now, and I'm in it.

And I'm kind of like the devil on her shoulder saying she's going to fail.

But it was truly an insane experience.

And

the resolution, like this is a real documentary series, and it is the funniest, weirdest show.

You got to watch it on Peacock.

I'm in.

the next few weeks, Irvine, California, and Huntsville, Alabama, the clubs out there, Ontario, California.

Then my theater tour starts April 4th in Savannah.

Savannah, Georgia, Charleston, South Carolina, Albuquerque, Rockford, Illinois, Cleveland, Greensboro, North Carolina, Roanoke, Baltimore, Pittsburgh, Grand Rapids, tons of places.

Nice.

And if you like this podcast, make sure you subscribe to it and like us and comment, review.

Also, subscribe to our YouTube channel so you can see how handsome we are so you can see the black widow spiders crawling through my window yeah and you can get catch little uh glimpses of biggie and you know other yeah other important people and animals oh

oh

oh my god biggie i woke him up oh

his eyes don't seem to care well um stop that i guess all that remains now yeah another uh wonderful podcast and until next time,

Handsome is hosted by me, Mae Martin, Tig Notaro, and Fortune Feemster.

The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Willette.

Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com and please follow us on social media at handsome pod.

What a podcast!

What a podcast!

What a podcast!

That was a hit gum podcast.

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