Pretty Little Episode #30

This is a head gun podcast.

Pretty little episode.

Hello and welcome to a pretty little episode.

I'm Mae Martin, joined by the bedazzling

Fortune Fiendster.

I'm bedazzled.

Yeah, why did I say I should have just said dazzle because bedazzled means you've actually stuck gems to you, right?

Which could happen.

I don't know.

Maybe Rock jeans right now that are full of rhinestones.

Yeah.

That was such a thing for a while.

And bajazzle?

No, that's for your Vijay J.

Yeah.

Because the ladies would put little,

I don't know, stars or things around.

That was one of those things that was like every stand-up comedian had a jazzled punchliners on it, yeah, right?

I've never seen them in person on anything.

No, but I want to

maybe make a comeback, yeah, this seems like hot glue.

I know, like, are they so

gone?

Like, how do you, yeah, gotta be a hot glue, a hot glue.

Have you ever done any like candle wax sexual things or anything?

Oh, god, no,

okay, Okay.

I'm assuming that means you have.

I have, but I've done with regular candles and then I've done with candles specifically for that, where they're like, oh, there's like an oil or something.

Yeah, like it doesn't get too hot or something.

Yeah.

How did the regular candle work out?

Better, actually.

There's something that the

specific candles, it's like, because it's not really painful, it's just like an annoying feeling, like it's like almost painful, and it just makes you want to slap the person because you're just like, ah, stop.

And what do you do?

You're just pouring wax on, you know, you tie someone up, you're dripping wax on them.

I don't know, or vice versa.

Wow, we have very different situations.

I mean, you know, I'll try anything.

But you know what?

Why not?

Why not?

I like that you explore.

I think it's great.

Thank you.

And as you can see, my love life is very happy and I'm very fulfilled.

JK, JK.

What I do see is you in a, it looks like you're in a new space.

Yeah, I'm in my new house.

Wow.

And yeah, it's really still coming together.

I'm like weirdly because they're building.

I'm like crouched on the ground here.

Yeah, I was worried about you

getting a your leg falling asleep or something.

It did.

It did.

And I powered through.

Are you enjoying this new space?

Yeah, I'm like unpacking boxes that have actually been in boxes for years that I never unpacked at previous places.

And

I'm finding like

things that I guess two years ago, I was like, this is so important.

And it's like a little clay sculpture that I did of a man.

I don't know.

It was nice to have my personality around me, you know, and be more settled, but it's all covered in like dust and sheets right now.

And yeah.

I find in the beginning, like when I bought my first house, that it's so exciting because you're like, this is mine, it's my space, it's permanent.

I mean, as permanent as you end up making it, yeah, but as far as like you're not renting, you can do whatever you want to the walls or whatnot.

But there is this pressure you feel to just get it all done

in one go and just know that you don't have to have your entire house fixed or decorated.

It can be a year before it's all done.

That's so true.

I'm like,

I'm too pumped envisioning like dinner parties and stuff.

So I'm trying to get everything done.

But you're right.

Sometimes you have to live in it first and see what you yeah, because it will change what you want to do.

Yeah.

And

you can go room by room.

I always say start with the den and the bed and your bedroom.

Yes.

Yeah.

Well, I bought house plants for the first time ever, like real, real ones.

Yeah.

And they came.

I found this company online and they came like,

I ordered four plants and they were going to get delivered already potted and everything.

Okay.

This company over communicated so much.

I had texts, I had emails, I had like calls.

Yeah, just being like, well, I'm in traffic, but I'll probably be there in 45.

I'm like, okay.

And then, well, so have you ever had plants before?

You should go to Home Depot and buy some plants.

I should have.

But also now I'm really like,

you know, on Instagram, I see a lot about how you've got to talk to plants and they're magical and they respond to love so i've been like like the first night with these plants i was like guys

you know i know it's probably been stressful to get here but like we're gonna have a really good year doing it and then i said out loud where i was like i want i'm gonna take really good care of you just like tell me what you need and like we'll take care of each other and then i thought imagine if i was the plant i'd be like

They want us to tell them what we need?

Like, we can't speak Haiti.

What do you mean?

Just water water and sink.

Yeah.

And they're like, wait, you want us to take care of you as well?

How?

Like, so are you scared at all there by yourself?

Or it feels pretty comfy, cozy.

I'm scared, of course.

Yeah.

I've got a big gate, but it is scary being alone in a house for sure.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And I hear little noises and things.

And

yeah, but there's a possum that I saw that lives around me.

And

it was nice to meet him.

And I hope I made a good impression because I think he'd be a good ally.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Do you have any wildlife living around you that you do you ever feed birds or anything?

I sure don't.

Well, you got biggie.

You don't need the possum to be on your side.

Big like crows around.

They're a nuisance.

You think you want to put out a bird thing, but it would attract those birds and they're a real pain in the ass.

Really?

Well, just because they're loud and aggressive.

Yeah.

Yeah.

At my old house, we had a large fountain in the front yard,

and they would like murder each other in this fountain.

Seriously?

Like to the death, like fight the death.

Oh my god,

dead crows on the reg in this thing, and we're like, what's happening?

There's enough water for all of you.

That's so dark.

I know, but in the south, though, my grandmother had like a bird bath or bird feeder, and you would get these really beautiful little birds, and it's just all crows.

I knew a guy who was, this is in my teens and this guy was like a pretty big Cokehead and he had

pet budgies and he was so kind of,

I don't know, cocaine I think warps your moral compass.

It makes you a little sinister sometimes if you do enough of it.

And he fed these budgies turkey.

He kept feeding them meat.

of other birds and they became like they got a taste for it and they became really aggressive and animalistic and oh my god it was really it was really dark.

The things Coke will do.

I know.

The trickle-down effect.

And then one night, one morning, I found him fully clothed in the bathtub, no water in the bath.

And I said, what are you doing in the bath?

And he went, didn't you put me in the bath?

It was pretty funny.

Dark times, dark times.

Yeah, dark times.

Yeah.

But guess what?

You're in happy times.

You're starting anew, and I love it for you.

Thank you.

I feel that.

Yeah, there's a lot of sunlight in the house and I'm excited to have people over to paint animals and hang out.

Yeah, put your friends to work.

Yeah, exactly.

No, no, just to paint whimsical paintings of animals.

Oh, I thought you meant

to help me paint my bedroom.

Yeah.

Which I have had friends do.

They're like, I'll make dinner and provide booze if you can help me like paint my fence or something.

I like that.

That gives me a sense of community.

Yeah.

I won't do that to you.

Don't worry.

All right.

I'll just come for the food.

Yeah, hang out.

Let's get to some questions.

Let's do it.

Hi, Handsoms.

My name is Chelsea.

I'm a pretty little lady from Winnipeg in Canada.

Big fan of the podcast.

Shout out to May.

I've been a fan of yours for a while.

You're the reason I started listening to the podcast.

So thank you so much.

My question to you is: with the exception of stories that get told around the holidays, What is something that you were told as a kid that you believed to be true that ended up not being true, but you believed it for an embarrassingly long time.

Oh, man.

True love?

I mean,

I think we were all sold a kind of lie about romance and love.

Rom-coms dude.

Yes, because we always see these like sort of toxic passionate stalking, like a guy stalking a girl or something.

Like, yeah, You've Got Male is so toxic and like Romeo and Juliet.

And we, we thought that that's what love was, these big passions.

Yes, yeah.

But actually.

I do think it tainted people in that if your relationship isn't full of that kind of passion, you think it's bad or wrong?

Yes.

And I'm like, no, actually, it's pretty normal not to have that level of passion because that passion leads to other, like you said, toxic things.

Yeah.

And also it puts so much emphasis on just connection and chemistry, which is like,

that's great.

but relationships are also a choice.

It's like, you know, it's making that decision every day and like putting work into it.

And they, there's never a movie about that, about the day-to-day, like

the actual work it takes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Cause it's all, it's all romanticized.

You're seeing the best versions of people falling in love.

Not like, um, hey, we got bills to pay.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We're tired.

Oh, yeah, we're tired.

Yeah.

What about I, my mom told me that, and they told me everything.

Like, they didn't, they never let me believe in Santa.

Like, they told me.

Oh, really?

No, they said that's a lie.

And they said, there's no God.

Like, they were really

like wildly like,

I was really jaded as a kid, but they.

You don't seem jaded to me now.

Thank you.

Well, no, you said you were jaded when you were young.

So when do you think that that evolved into not being jaded?

It was more like I had too much information at a young age, I think.

Like, I knew too much about

the adult world.

And, but I remember still wanting to believe in Santa and being like, no, I still want to leave cookies out for him.

And my parents being like, but you know, it's just us.

We're just going to eat the cookies.

And I was like, let me live.

That's fine.

That's fine.

Let me write the letter.

You have some magic.

Yeah, yeah.

What about you?

Were you like a whimsical child that believed in like magical things and creatures?

Yeah, I believed in Santa, but I was always trying to get to the bottom of how much Santa paid for things.

Right.

The logistics.

I always was trying to like look for price tags, and I'd be like, there's a price tag on this.

Yeah.

And it's my mom would be like, get off my back.

So, yeah, I was like, wanted the magic, but also wanted to know like the logic of it.

Right.

Like,

so I had both sides.

Yeah.

But I did love looking in the sky and trying to see Santa and whatnot.

Um, yeah.

But I believed in that stuff to the proper age.

And then whenever that age is, that you're like, okay.

I, the only thing I can think of, there's nothing that's coming to my brain as far as like

beliefs.

My mom, we weren't very forward when I'm talking about like

the human body or sex or anything like that.

We just didn't talk about it.

My mom would call, this is so embarrassing.

My mom would call the vagina a boom boom.

Oh my god, why isn't Tig here?

So

I just called it a boom boom for like so long, like two years ago.

Like into high school?

I think maybe to like late junior high.

Yeah.

Oh my gosh.

And I said it in front of my friend's mom, like, and she, and my friend's mom was like, what?

And I go, you know, your boom boom.

Oh, my God.

And

my friend started dying laughing.

And I'm like, what?

That's what it's called.

You got your boom boom and your bomb boom.

Vagina.

I was like,

oh, my God.

Well, let's face it, like, vagina is not a great word.

It's not a great word.

It's not fun to say.

Boom boom was way better.

Boom boom is pretty badass, yeah.

So that was highly embarrassing when they realized I did not know the medical

term vagina.

I always

boom boom.

So she would be like, did you wash your boom boom?

Or like,

ow, I fell right on my boom boom for a bad one.

yeah oh my god i love that what did she call a penis um i don't recall yeah i guess ask your brother i bet there was something weird

like a like a dong don dong so yeah that was very embarrassing so thanks for the memory yeah

my mom told me that she was pippi longstalking and that the books were based on her because she had red hair and uh it used to infuriate me because on on some level I knew it wasn't true but there was a slight possibility it was and it would just drive me insane I'd be like no you're not she'd be like I am

well thanks for that question wait I want to hear this answer from yeah from Chelsea So one time I was with my dad and my brother and we were at a local golf center and to enter this building there was a revolving door and we were on our way out.

My dad was paying, I think, for the time we had been playing mini golf or something.

And my brother and I were just kids and being brady and we were running around through the revolving door and my dad told us to quit it.

And when I asked why, he sort of said, that's because you could suffocate in there.

So I believed until well into my, I think, early 20s that if you spent too much time in a revolving door or if you went through it too slowly, that you would in fact suffocate due to lack of oxygen.

And when I finally learned that that wasn't true, not only was I so embarrassed, but I was shocked at how long I went thinking that that could be true.

Yeah.

That's really good.

It worked, though.

She probably didn't spend too much time on one of those revolving doors.

Yeah, and I guess if you spent tons of time, like maybe you could one day suffocate if you spent like a month.

Yeah.

But you know, when you're a parent and you just don't want your kid to do something,

you throw that stuff out.

Like, hey, you don't, you know.

Do you remember

like an urban myth about somebody

flushing the toilet on an airplane while slowing down

you down out of it it would suck your guts out your bum yeah i heard that one yeah yeah i still kind of still get weird about flushing people too

yeah

in an airplane yeah should we hear another one hi ansympod this is christella from austin texas May Tig Fortune, Love You Guys is a trio and love you guys individually.

Here is my question.

Is there a name that you've always liked?

Maybe you thought you would change your name to that someday, or you would have a child name that someday?

And do you like it?

Great question.

It's great.

That's great.

I would love to, I've always thought I would like to name my son Bugs or Buster.

Bugs?

Yeah, Buster after Buster Keaton.

I like Buster.

You do?

And how do you feel about Bugs?

Bugs is.

I mean, listen, teach their own.

It's a little more out there.

Like Bugs Bunny.

Yeah.

Bugs Bunny always comes out on top.

Bugs, to me, seems like a pet name.

And that could be because of Bugs Bunny.

Yeah.

Buster, I can see being a little kid.

Bugs could be the nickname of Buster.

I also really like the idea of Benny for a girl, like Benny and the Jets.

Mm-hmm.

I've never wanted kids, so I've never spent too much time thinking about what my

invisible kids names were.

Yeah, what about if you were trans?

What would you want your boy name to be?

I feel like sometimes you take whatever your name is and make it the masculine version of it.

Yeah.

I don't know what Fortune

would equate to.

Frank.

Frank.

I definitely wouldn't want Frank.

You wouldn't.

Frank Feemster is pretty good.

I know.

I do like the alliteration.

Yeah, alliteration's key.

Like I'd have to be Fort Fort.

Fort.

Can I just be called Fort?

Fort.

Fortford.

Fortford.

Yeah, one other.

Oh, Fred.

There was going to be a boy.

My mom was going to name me Alexander Alexander.

That's nice.

That would have been fine.

Yeah, that's nice.

My favorite name is Fortune.

I've told this before, but I grew up going by my first name, Emily.

Yes.

And Fortune's my middle name and

an old family name, and very

much

my grandmother was very proud of the fortune name, it was her mother's maiden name, and there was a bunch of fortunes in her family, so she really wanted me to be named Fortune, but I also genuinely like the name Fortune.

It's incredible, yeah.

And Fortune Feemster, like you gotta be famous with that name.

That's right.

Who wants to go?

Who's gonna Emily Feemster do comedy?

No way.

Yeah, Emily Feemstrey.

Actually, truly, I'm changing the channel.

I took my mom's maiden name, or she gave it to me.

My brother got my dad's, and then my mom just does like a feminist thing.

I think was like, I want one of the kids to have my name.

And then, and then like the alliteration.

So I was nae Martin.

Yeah, you have it too.

Yeah, yeah, I like it.

Should we hear Christella's?

I always liked the name Tabitha.

I thought I would have a child name that someday or maybe change my name to that because that was the name of Samantha's daughter on Bewitched.

And I've since had a daughter.

That is not her name.

And I have no desire to change my name to that, but that's okay.

Thanks for all the laughs, guys.

And see you in Austin in April.

Yeah.

Wait, so Christella's just totally gone off her own idea there.

She's like, I always wanted to do this, and now I haven't done it, and I don't want to.

But Tabitha's cool.

I think those are coming back in style, like sort of old-timey names.

Like

you're Agathas, you're Tabithas.

Agathas and Tabithas are really making me come back.

Eleanor.

Oh, yeah.

My grandma's name was Evelyn.

Oh, Evelyn's a great name.

Yeah, I like the unique names, like the ones you don't hear often.

Yeah, me too.

So bugs it is.

So it's bugs.

Yeah.

I'm so glad she's coming to that show in Austin.

That's going to, that show's like almost 3,000 people.

It's going to feel pretty electric, I think.

And then the Ryman is a huge theater too, but it's such an iconic theater.

Yeah.

You talk about being a musician.

When you go through, have you ever been to the Ryman?

Never.

Go a little bit early and just walk through.

the halls and go into the rooms.

There's all these really cool posters.

You see the history of the place and all the musicians who play there.

It's pretty special.

Yeah, I love that kind of thing.

I like feeling, I feel like theaters, especially, not to get all like whoa, whoa, but I feel like they have like an energetic echo of all these audiences that have been there over the years and all this, like, all these good vibes.

I don't know.

Yeah, I love an empty theater and like,

yeah, being in that

space like that.

Also, I went to, there's this weird museum in London that has like

curiosities and like odds and ends.

And they have all this stuff that I guess cleaners at different concert venues have taken from green rooms after bands have been there.

And they have, yeah, and they have

used condom from the Rolling Stones.

And they have the poo of Kylie Minogue.

No.

In a jar.

Why do they have that?

I don't know.

It must have been unflushed, which I'm like, really?

Kylie would flush.

I think this is just a lot of fun.

She seems like a flusher.

Now that i'm thinking about it i'm like was this just an immersive art thing that's gotta be

real

i would be mortified if i found out that was a museum oh my god i'd go sign it but oh yeah that would be humiliating what would they find in our green room after we left it'd be so tame it'd be like Our last green room in Toronto had a little charcuterie board, which

I always asked for those because I love them.

Yes.

and it has

a pizza and we had those bonnets that someone in the audience gave us

I'm so stoked it's so fun to go to these uh live shows because people have such a great energy but to get to bring them to other places other states yeah very exciting yeah well awesome well keep uh sending in your questions at speakpipe.com slash handsome if you uh have anything you want to know ask us but also we're here to give advice as well.

Don't shy away from that.

Oh, that would be cool.

Relationship advice or if you've got a problem at work or we can't promise it's great advice, but we'll give it.

You can check out MaymartinMusic.com to see if I've got any tour dates.

I'm in LA, Toronto, New York, and London playing my album.

And then also, I'm always at Largo in LA doing new stuff.

And yeah, what about you, Fortune?

Yeah, I'm at the Irvine California Comedy Club working on my material as well as the club in Huntsville, Alabama.

And then my tour starts in Savannah, Georgia, Charleston, South Carolina, Albuquerque, Phoenix,

Rockford, Illinois, Greensboro, North Carolina, and Roanoke, Virginia.

Well, I guess until next time, all there remains is keep it

pretty handsome.

Handsome is hosted by me, Fortune Feemster, Tig Notaro, and Mae Martin.

The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Woulette.

Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com and follow us on social media at handsomepod.

What a podcast!

What a podcast!

What a podcast!

That was a head gum podcast.