Season 5, Ep 80 - Pandenomicon Now (w/ Charlie McCrackin)

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Speaker 2 People of earth, the following podcast is not real. Uh, podcast.
Did I just say podcast? Did I just come up with a better name for what we're doing?

Speaker 2 Did I just come up with a better name for nearly all of these types of things? Did I just rebrand about half the internet?

Speaker 2 All this unused marketing potential crammed into a lustrous razor-sharp carapace. Such as life, sit back and enjoy the show.

Speaker 2 Hello from the Magic Tavern, a weekly podcast from the Magical Land of Foon. I'm your host, Arnie Niekamp.
If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know.

Speaker 2 Over 10 and a half years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of Foon.

Speaker 2 Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through the dimensional rift, and I use that to upload a podcast recorded here in the tavern, The Ruffled Feather, in the heart of McShingle-Shane Forest, on the outskirts of Hogsface in the magical land of Foon.

Speaker 2 And I'm joined, as always, by my good bud, my cousin, Chunk the Talking Badger. Arnie, Arnie, Arnie, Arnie.
Exciting news. Oh, yeah.
What's this? It's a bestseller. Arnie, it's a bestseller.

Speaker 2 What's a bestseller? You know how I forgot to tell you about the children's books I was writing?

Speaker 2 You're writing children's books? Yes, it's about a kid named Narni, and he falls into a hole, and he ends up in a sort of a different land. Hmm.
Narni's a real scamp.

Speaker 2 He's a real ne'er-dwell, a real sort of, um,

Speaker 2 I don't know, just a real rascal. Yeah.
Do I get a piece of any of this? Why would you? No, no, no, no. I only get a piece because I wrote the theme song.
Oh, yeah. The chronicles, what of Narni, ya?

Speaker 2 Guys, look, I know I use a lot of filler phrases. You don't have to make fun of that character and call him Narni uh.
Like, just because I always say uh or like or hmm. Noises like that.
Oh, it's not

Speaker 2 oh my gosh, Arnie.

Speaker 2 This is so awkward. It's not based on you.
It sounds like it's about me. Narni is a six foot four kid.
I'm six foot four and I'm a kid at heart. I'm a kid at heart and I'm six foot four.

Speaker 2 You already fell through a hole, right? He fell through a hole. You fell through a portal.
Yeah. Well, wait, what did Narni fall through? A hole.
But that's really sweet.

Speaker 2 That would make it the same.

Speaker 2 Don't say it like it's different when it's literally the same. Arnie, there's like four stories in the world, okay? And we all just keep retelling them, right? What's a different story?

Speaker 2 What's a different story? What's one of the other four stories?

Speaker 2 Batman.

Speaker 2 That's about me, too. That's about me, too.
No,

Speaker 2 no.

Speaker 2 Tell me the story of Batman.

Speaker 2 Batman is the story of a young man that falls into a cave and then he goes on an adventure.

Speaker 2 That's me. Yeah, most stories are sort of a young person falls into a thing.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And you're an old person. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I'm young at heart. I'm young at heart.
Well, Chunt, congratulations that you think. Thank you, Book is a bestseller.
What kind of gold are we talking about?

Speaker 2 Is that rude of me? Is that gauche to immediately ask you how much you're making on this popular thing?

Speaker 2 It is a bit gauche, but I will tell you that being a bestseller means that

Speaker 2 it's one of the best books out there and they're really hoping it sells. So I think we'll wait a year or so.
We'll see how it's doing and then we can go from there. I see.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, I have a little bit of news. Oh, also, I guess I shouldn't blow past this.
I am also joined by my other co-host. He's just as good as the first one, Usidor the Wizard.

Speaker 2 I am Usador, Wizard of the Twelve. Wait, why did you have to clarify that I was just as good as the first one? I said you're just as good as the first one.
It's like comparing a hole to a hole.

Speaker 2 It's weird.

Speaker 2 I don't know. If you have to

Speaker 2 clarify it, there seems like there's something off. Different things mean different things.
Different things mean the same thing, actually. I'd hate to be on a date with Arnie.

Speaker 2 Comparing a hole to a hole. And I am known throughout the northeast as Gasmanius Maystar.
And there may be other secret names.

Speaker 2 Names that, if I dare to utter them aloud, most assuredly, your entire shoulder blade would grow out of the back of your body, one at a time.

Speaker 2 Yes, each becoming a wing, expanding those bone-like wings until you flew into the air. That'd be bad.
Also,

Speaker 2 I painted a beautiful painting with Ghosh.

Speaker 2 What is...

Speaker 2 Well, it was inspired by the chronicles of Nani.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Is it in the style of Van Ghosh? That's right. Arnie, have you heard of Van Ghosh? I have not heard of Van Ghosh.
Oh, he is a very famous painter here in Foon. He's well known for his Ghosh

Speaker 2 paintings, paintings

Speaker 2 where he, you know, just beautiful pastels, pastoral scenes. And the tragic story, though, he got really

Speaker 2 upset about a crush he had

Speaker 2 because she didn't return his feelings. So he cut off his dog's ear and ate it.
That's a red flag. If you ask me.
Yeah, he's cuckoo. Yeah, don't date that guy.
Oh, yeah, cuckoo bonkers.

Speaker 2 He bonkers.

Speaker 2 Well, speaking of green flags, that's the best segue I could think of. Guys, you know how I found out where the portal is, but it's too small to get through.

Speaker 2 And we're going to try to figure out a way to make it bigger so we can start moving humans into Foon?

Speaker 2 Oh, you guys. Did I explain that elegantly? Was that quick and understandable? It was so succinct and so quick and understandable.
And Arnie, I'm just realizing.

Speaker 2 Everyone who comes through that portal from Earth is a potential purchaser of the Chronicles of Narni. Oh.
all right. Let's get these

Speaker 2 portals going. I mean, Chun, here's the thing, and I'm going to speak to you privately for just a second.
I love that you wrote this book, even though. Oh my gosh, thank you so much.

Speaker 2 I was going to ask you to do the forward, and then I thought that was too forward. Ironically, it would be, yeah.

Speaker 2 You know, we were going to try to raise money to get people through the portal with these I Move into Foon shirts that you can currently get in our dashery store.

Speaker 2 There's probably a link in the show notes. Yeah, nice, nice.
I just don't want to

Speaker 2 muddy that with your book. Does that make sense? Like, I want you to to sell a lot of books.
Yeah. I don't want it to kind of step on the shirts.
Oh, totally, totally. Yeah, we'll just package it.

Speaker 2 So instead of a shirt being, you know, whatever it is, however much money, we'll do shirt and a book for like double that amount. And it's like you can't separate the two.

Speaker 2 So it'll just be sort of tethered together. And that works out fine.
Thank you. Thank you, Ariana.
Thank you. Okay.
Well, we'll work this out later. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Oh, my. Yes, indeed.

Speaker 2 Finally, yes. Oh, what a wonders.
A revelation this is. I can't believe it.
Finally. Isidor, what's going on? Isidor.

Speaker 2 Oh, don't forget to go. He wants us to ask about it.
You can tell us explain

Speaker 2 so much. Did you just remember the punchline to that joke you asked us last year?

Speaker 2 Oh, yes. But

Speaker 2 in addition to that, I have found what drew us here at a hog's face.

Speaker 2 Oh,

Speaker 2 nostalgia?

Speaker 2 What is it? Nay, tis not nostalgia, for

Speaker 2 I had thought that I had found found that mystical object that had drawn me here when I found the blood rose, and then I sort of felt like, I don't know, is that really a thing?

Speaker 2 Is anything gonna come out of that? It sort of feels like a dead end a little bit.

Speaker 2 If I'm honest, I forgot we had it. I forgot we had that blood rose.
Oh, yes, well, I don't worry, it's in my back pocket.

Speaker 2 I

Speaker 2 have found

Speaker 2 a link to the wizards,

Speaker 2 a way to understand their deepest thoughts. A way to perhaps not defeat them, but bring them back.

Speaker 2 Under the will of the goddesses, yea, let them be saved and join the forces of good once more. Yusudor, Yusidor, Yusidor, why do you keep wanting to save the wizards?

Speaker 2 You found a link, but you're still living in the time when you were part of them. You found a link to the past.

Speaker 2 Well, it's...

Speaker 2 Can you blame me? I hear their voices upon the very wind, and it wakes me every night. That wind waker.
Oh, indeed, I tell thee.

Speaker 2 Oh, Arnie, you must believe me.

Speaker 2 I

Speaker 2 must

Speaker 2 show you here under this under this very delicate.

Speaker 2 Minish cat?

Speaker 2 Under this minish, under this delicate minish cat. Why did I stop?

Speaker 2 I don't know any of this stuff.

Speaker 2 Hey! Listen, Arnie!

Speaker 2 You sir's talking! Listen! I have found none other than the Pandanomicon!

Speaker 2 Wow. Oh, shit.

Speaker 2 This is the giant book that Spintax wrote, right? Yes, and within its pages lie secrets untold, unknown into me. Well, let's open it.

Speaker 2 What do you want? What? What is this? Uh, Pandanomicon, tis I, you sad or the blue. I haven't gone by that name in so long.
No one's opened me in years.

Speaker 2 Oh. Oh.
Oh my god. That's right.

Speaker 2 I could have been a little bit more. Are you feeling all right?

Speaker 2 I'm a book.

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah, take all the time you need.
I forgot the book. It was kind of an audiobook, like it could talk, and

Speaker 2 it's a little more sentient? Yes, yes, it has part of Spindax's essence imbued within it to bring it to life.

Speaker 2 I haven't spoken in years.

Speaker 2 I was... I haven't been used as a book.
I forgot I was a book. Yes, I found you propping up a table.
Yeah,

Speaker 2 yes, I was part of a table.

Speaker 2 I flattened out some posters.

Speaker 2 Do you want some water?

Speaker 2 I need sebum.

Speaker 2 See,

Speaker 2 sebum

Speaker 2 body oil. I'm covered in human leather.
Here, here. Sebum.
Here you go.

Speaker 2 I'm just glad I'm not the only one who doesn't know what sebum is. Let me, let me rub it.
Let me rub it carefully into your pages. Yeah, like that.

Speaker 2 I like that. Oh, here you are.
I don't know.

Speaker 2 I think we should turn around.

Speaker 2 Does that help you at all, Pandanomicon? Do you feel a little more alive? I feel rejuvenated.

Speaker 2 What a happy book. Oh, well, what a happy boy.

Speaker 2 He's more of a man. I'd say Narni is more of a boy.
Oh, I'm sorry. I was looking at his heart.
Oh, I do have the heart of a boy. Okay,

Speaker 2 that proved it then.

Speaker 2 Pandanomicon, I know it has been long since you've been used as a book, but you still must have some insights, yay? Uh, to the

Speaker 2 goings-ons of the wizards. Uh, do you know of their current plight, that they have lost their mortality and they amass power and try to take over lands?

Speaker 2 I've been in the dark. I don't know much about any of that.
Well, let's try to get you on the Wi-Fi and see if we can get you updated.

Speaker 2 Well, typically, Spintax tax continues to write in his journals and my update with everything he writes oh but i've been disconnected for so long maybe or maybe maybe he's stopped writing oh that happens sometimes you know you just you know i don't talk about it a bunch but i have a mfa in creative writing and i just don't write as much as i used to what's an mfa no well i'll pen and i'll come no well I could talk about this all day.

Speaker 2 So

Speaker 2 in my world, there's something called a master's, which is like like a

Speaker 2 postgraduate degree, like sort of a retract my question.

Speaker 2 I didn't even get to the part about how an MFA is less good than an MA. Oh, well.

Speaker 2 You barely got through the first letter of three. Oh, darn, Arnie.
I was hoping you would get to talk more about Arizona. Next time, next time.

Speaker 2 Tucson is great to live in for a couple of years, and then you gotta leave.

Speaker 2 Shout out to everyone in Tucson listening right now. You gotta leave.
Well, what can I do you for, guys?

Speaker 2 Well, we're always looking for wisdom and insight.

Speaker 2 I hate to think of churning you against your former creator, but if you know away any weakness that Spintax might have, oh, you must share it with us now, for he is wayward. He has lost his way.
Oh,

Speaker 2 well, weaknesses. What do you mean he's lost his way? Wait, wait.
What? How so?

Speaker 2 How so? Oh, how so? I thought you said also. Also?

Speaker 2 how so? I was waiting because I was like, I was on pins and needles. I thought it was maybe another type of oil you had to rub into him.
So I wasn't going to say anything. Well, as I mentioned,

Speaker 2 the wizards have lost their mortality, and in their fear of losing their lives, they have turned to the side of evil. And I know

Speaker 2 that deep down, this is not their true selves. The wizards.
And Pan and Omicon. Oh, of course we would.
Oh, sorry, please. No, you go.
Of course, we would, you know, a little tit for tat.

Speaker 2 If there's something we could provide for you or do for you, we absolutely would try and do that. Oh, yeah.
Oh, my gosh.

Speaker 2 What do I want? I haven't even been conscious for so long. I.

Speaker 2 You just woke up, Book.

Speaker 2 Do you prefer we call you Panda Nomicon or Book or kind of Spin Tax?

Speaker 2 Not the last one. Okay, sure.

Speaker 2 I have had a life. Pan Pan.
I've had a Pan Pan.

Speaker 2 I've had a life life of my own outside of being a book and outside of Spintax.

Speaker 2 I don't know what a book needs anymore. So we all agreed it's Pan Pan, is that? Perhaps, Pan Pan.

Speaker 2 If you tell us more of your adventures that you had beyond after Spintax let thee loose into the world,

Speaker 2 maybe we can learn what motivates you and thereby find the thing you desire most.

Speaker 2 Tell us the tales of the Pandanaba Con. The last thing I remember, Spintax was writing a secret chapter.

Speaker 2 And he was crying and crying and crying. I'm trying to not be too happy about this.
And his penmanship got aggressive.

Speaker 2 Big slanty points. Sure.
And he cried onto my pages. Terrible.
Terrible.

Speaker 2 And then he scribbled and scribbled and scribbled,

Speaker 2 tore pages out and threw me, cast me into a ditch. Oh, terrible.
I don't deserve such

Speaker 2 poor treatment. Okay, says you.

Speaker 2 Well, I mean, if you still feel some loyalty towards Spintax, that's understandable, but if he's just scribbling in you and writing about his fears and his weaknesses, his greatest weaknesses, like, what are those weaknesses that he probably wrote about just in you and nowhere else?

Speaker 2 I can't find that chapter. It's hidden from me.

Speaker 2 Well, Pan Pan, don't even worry about that right now.

Speaker 2 Now that you mentioned you've been thrown in a ditch, I do see you have some mud and gunk. So why don't we take a quick break? We'll get sort of a

Speaker 2 gently wetted cloth and sort of wipe you down. It's got to be body juice.
Here's some of that sebum. Got to be something from the body.

Speaker 2 I prefer

Speaker 2 sebum. Sebum.
I prefer that. But if you got other stuff, I'll take it.
Sebum is body juice? We'll be right back.

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Speaker 2 When you think of Usidor, you envision me on a mountaintop wearing my traditional blue wizard robes. But I have other outfits, which is why I'm happy to tell you about Quince.

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Speaker 2 Why, I personally just acquired a cotton peak knit overshirt, and I'm loving it. I feel so stylish.
I'm planning on getting Arnie and Chunt each one as winter solstice gifts.

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Speaker 2 Here, let me continue. Chunt here.
Take a handful of several and let us rob. Rub gently.
And then a little harder, a little harder.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Should I just should I walk on his spine?

Speaker 2 My dad used to make me do that.

Speaker 2 Would you like Chunt to walk on your spine?

Speaker 2 Yeah, dig in. Use your heels, your knees, your elbows, your forearms.
Yeah, get in there. Get nasty.
Yes, sir. All right.

Speaker 2 Do it like daddy liked.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 2 I like your little your little callused bean pads on your paws are tremendous. I'm invigorated.
Re-invigorated. Arnie, come back over here.
Come back over here.

Speaker 2 No one at the bar wants to hear about your MFA.

Speaker 2 Someone over there's got to be interesting. Arnie, that was a horse you were talking to.
Oh, a bored horse. Oh, that's right.
It was saying nay. I thought it was saying MFA.
No.

Speaker 2 Arnie, what horse says MFNA?

Speaker 2 It was denying consent to speak with you. Oh, I'm so...
I'm sorry, horse. Don't worry about it.
MFA is for horses. MFA is for horses.
Oh, I like that. I'm going to add that to the book.

Speaker 2 So, Pan Pan, your book, but for the last few years, you lost your sense of self. You thought you were other things? Like, what is it like to think you're part of a table?

Speaker 2 You know, just being a heavy object for a while really gave me perspective.

Speaker 2 There's no books.

Speaker 2 Oh, no.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? You stopped believing in books and literature? There aren't people? Entirely? There aren't people? Right. Things aren't alive.

Speaker 2 I'm not alive. Oh.
Well, technically, I suppose that's true. I'm sort of imbued with magic.
So nothing's alive. Life is meaningless.
Wow. Wow, it's sort of a new take on

Speaker 2 religion, I guess. Kind of makes all the stuff I'm doing seem sort of pointless.
Panthan, are you saying that if books go unread for too long, they just become nihilists?

Speaker 2 I guess I am, Arnie.

Speaker 2 Everybody out there, you gotta read your books. You lose your knowledge.

Speaker 2 The knowledge is lost if no one's putting it in their brains. Oh, well,

Speaker 2 we'd gladly put some of the knowledge in our brains, if you care to share. No one, I bet none of you remember how Spintax defeated Morgath, the Devourer,

Speaker 2 or

Speaker 2 Zephrax the putrefier. Oh, was it the same way for both? Yes.
So what?

Speaker 2 I'd like to hear about Sephrax the putrefier, though. I am not familiar with that tale.
Well,

Speaker 2 he was set up camp in a pumpkin patch, and he was rotting all the pumpkins, spoiling the harvest, and

Speaker 2 causing the farmer folk to blame each other. Oh, test tisk.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 at knife point and tying point with pitchforks, like farmers have. You ever see a farmer? What do they always do with those pitchforks? They get mad real fast and they reach for their pitchforks.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I've never seen that. You got a spoon.
Hmm? Pitch knife? Anything?

Speaker 2 Artie, every time we're near a farm, farmers come racing out to run you off with pitchforks. What's that about? They know I want to fuck their daughters.

Speaker 2 Only because I like the jokes.

Speaker 2 Oh, okay. That's fine.

Speaker 2 Well, the townspeople

Speaker 2 who still maintain their sanity hired Spintex to rid them of this demon,

Speaker 2 the putrefier, Zephrax, the putrefier. So he came and he took their money, and once he verified that their money was good and got a couple of kids off them,

Speaker 2 then he, of course, engaged Zephrax in a battle of wits and fists.

Speaker 2 One question apiece, and then

Speaker 2 you could use your fist any way you wanted on the other person.

Speaker 2 Any way you wanted. Any way you wanted, and you had to be cool with it, no matter what it was.

Speaker 2 Had to like kiss it first, and then, yeah, that's cool. Wow, that's cool.
What a caveat.

Speaker 2 You have to be cool with it. Can I just say, I've heard so many stories and legends and lore of like, and then, you know, like Big Mike took the sword and like slayed the, you know, and got the gold.

Speaker 2 Spintax is is the first person who's writing a story who talks about verifying that the money's good which is so smart spintax is so smart yeah but he also took a couple kids you know i just i don't i'm just

Speaker 2 gloss over that i'm still stuck on the big mike part there was someone named big mike yeah it's an ironic nickname oh a little guy yeah as an aunt listen some of those kids that spintax took make up the cover of the book you're talking to so

Speaker 2 if he didn't do those things then i wouldn't be here this book you booked? Pan Pan, your maid? This book, me book is. Vanquish foes.

Speaker 2 Guys, did I ever tell you I have an MFA in creative writing?

Speaker 2 Arnie, I would say. This book, me book? Yeah, that was actually the name.
That was actually my thesis novel.

Speaker 2 Look, I know everyone's mad at wizards now. I know that's the cool hip-way to be.
I'm just saying that for a long time, I was trying to point out, you know, Spintax, maybe not the best guy.

Speaker 2 And then everyone decided to shit on me like they were a bunch of birds. And then

Speaker 2 they talked about how great Spintax was and how, you know, he emulated the Wall of Fire and

Speaker 2 all this stuff. He won so many Wizards' Choice Awards.
Everyone loves Spintax. Spintax, Spintax, Spintax.
You're the one listening to all his bona fides.

Speaker 2 I suppose that's right. Absolutely absolutely.
Pan Pan, do you have any entries in you about Usidor? Things that Spintax wrote about Usidor?

Speaker 2 Ah, Ah, we don't need to read those out loud, I don't think. Let's see.
Hmm, searching my index.

Speaker 2 Yes? Yes. Who? It's on page 17 Jillian in 4012.
Well, you waited a long time to get to me. Is that part of the secret chapter or one of the normal chapters?

Speaker 2 I don't know how to access the secret chapter. It's not listed in the table of contents.
Of course, of course, that makes sense. Hmm.
Okay, so

Speaker 2 this is the chapter on Usidor?

Speaker 2 Well, it's a whole chapter. At least part of it, yeah.
Well, like a little taste. You know, it's got one big letter, U, very ornately drawn.
Oh, I love that. I like it when a chapter starts like that.

Speaker 2 Also, I like when Disney animated movies start like that. Yeah, it's the U is made into towers that are going up into the sky.
They're made out of brick, and inside one of the towers is a fair maiden,

Speaker 2 a buxom young lass, laying her trellised hair down, plaited for her bow to climb. And in the other is a wise wizard in blue with a hat on.

Speaker 2 If you've ever seen one of those. A wizard with a hat on.
This book chooses the weirdest things to not think we know what they are. Farmers, hats? Yeah.
It's also curious to me that the book sort of

Speaker 2 recognizes and relishes large breasts.

Speaker 2 That's very special.

Speaker 2 Pat, Pat, that's what I'm wearing right now oh what a can you do you have sight can you see me or can you just hear us well i can obviously hear you let's just dispel that notion immediately where i'm having a conversation yes that's fair that's fair and yes i can see you i if i have that sense why not have them all So you know that I'm a wizard dressed in blue, much like the one that you've pictured here.

Speaker 2 I know who you are, Usidor. We've met before.
And I'm the chapter of you in this book.

Speaker 2 I'm just saying you explained it to us like we didn't know what a wizard was, especially one in blue robes. And there's one sitting right here.
Oh, sorry.

Speaker 2 To be fair, Pan Pan was describing a picture that has a blue wizard in it. Maybe he didn't want to assume that it was inherently Usidor, and we could sort of infer for ourselves.

Speaker 2 Could be an Arnie-Narnie situation. Usidor, if this is making you uncomfortable, do you want to grab your grimoire

Speaker 2 tome book and have it sort of speak on your behalf?

Speaker 2 Oh, I suppose I could.

Speaker 2 You know, after Chunt wrote his book and after Ani kept talking about his MFA, I have started writing a book. Oh, you've started writing a book? Oh, it's going to be great.

Speaker 2 I've got an outline of

Speaker 2 a couple chapters already.

Speaker 2 An outline of some chapters? Oh, fun.

Speaker 2 Well, let's.

Speaker 2 We're on page 110 Jillian.

Speaker 2 And 4012. Yes.
And 4012, apologies. But yeah, you sir, if you have a couple chapters or sort of like outlines, you'd love to.
Oh,

Speaker 2 Here we are.

Speaker 2 Oh, that's that's like a pamphlet, but he made a big noise. There we go.

Speaker 2 So he picked up three papers and went

Speaker 2 now. Outline.
I imbue you with life.

Speaker 2 Speak here now on mine behalf.

Speaker 2 Chapter one.

Speaker 2 Chapter one,

Speaker 2 wherein a wizard finds his way. way.

Speaker 2 Oh boy.

Speaker 2 Chapter two:

Speaker 2 A Wizard Meets a Girl. That's it.
That's just the beginning of the story structure. That's like a placeholder.
Yeah, I mean, I think it's a pretty good story structure so far.

Speaker 2 How long did it take you to write that, Usidor?

Speaker 2 A couple months. I've just been

Speaker 2 noodling on it, you know, one of my free time. I don't have a lot of free time.
Noodling on it? Don't

Speaker 2 disgusting.

Speaker 2 Chapter 3, wherein the wizard is challenged by a dark wizard or maybe an evil mage,

Speaker 2 maybe like a dragon or a dragon's dog. I was just going to leave that for later.
We'll figure that part out later.

Speaker 2 Look, I'm just leaving it open.

Speaker 2 I'm going to devote some time. What I need to do is block out some time for myself.
Sure, and then let me guess, he's going to reject the quest.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I was thinking, you know, maybe he'd reject the quest and then there would be a mentor who gets him back on the path and then he has to defeat a guardian that we thought was his whole area.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Oh, okay.
So you've you oh right, there are only four stories. Yeah, that one, kidfault on a hole,

Speaker 2 and then the other two. Then the other two.

Speaker 2 I'm going to put this pamphlet away for now. We'll finish that later.
Yeah. Sorry, you were reading from the chapter of Usidor.
I'm terrified of it. Hold on, I'm so sorry, Pan Pan.

Speaker 2 And I know this is not the most important thing, and I really want to hear about the Usador chapter. I I just have more thoughts about the giant letter at the beginning.

Speaker 2 Now, from your experience, like, does Spintax do the illustrations as well? Yes, absolutely, 100%. Really?

Speaker 2 And if you had to guess, is it the kind of thing where he's just sort of like working his way up to tell this story?

Speaker 2 He's like, I'm just going to spend a while, like, drawing this giant U before I start writing this chapter. I don't know that.
He doesn't talk while he's doing that. He just draws.

Speaker 2 He doesn't dictate. He doesn't tell the story while he's doing it.
He just draws. I will say,

Speaker 2 sorry, just to chime in as

Speaker 2 the least of us here in terms of stature and accomplishment, I did just write and illustrate a children's book.

Speaker 2 And I will say that when illustrating, I spent the largest amount of time on the characters that I sort of connected to the most. So maybe this

Speaker 2 sort of ornate, elaborate giant you is sort of a tribute to the respect that Spintax has for you, Yusidor. Why, thank you, Chant.
That's a

Speaker 2 wonderful way to think about it. You know, perhaps all these years of

Speaker 2 friendemyship and

Speaker 2 rivalries have been ill-placed, and perhaps all along, Spintax respected me as much as I secretly respected and honestly was jealous of him. Well, I can just open up, you can look at it yourself.

Speaker 2 See, here's the big you, and then next to it says sucked.

Speaker 2 End of chapter.

Speaker 2 Oh,

Speaker 2 Also, did you say children's books? Yum yum.

Speaker 2 Oh, oh, shit. Artie, quick.

Speaker 2 I'd love to

Speaker 2 see them. Let me see them.
I'd love to see them. I could, I'd love

Speaker 2 to add a few pages to my back end. You know what I mean? Oh, I didn't even think that books would eat other books, Artie.
We gotta hide these books.

Speaker 2 These are books for children, not books of children, Pandanomicon. Well, I'm not sure if you know about books, you Sidor, but small books, children's books are children books.
Oh, T.O., I see.

Speaker 2 Yes, in the hierarchy of

Speaker 2 the book society. And their innocence gives to me a certain bit of power.

Speaker 2 Chant, do you have do you have a set of books that you can offer? Here, let me just grab your outlines and defeat it. Here, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 2 I don't like that. I don't like other tastes.

Speaker 2 Well,

Speaker 2 I feel terrible. I feel just terrible.

Speaker 2 I really hoped that Spintax had perhaps deep down had some respect for me. But I suppose that wasn't the case.

Speaker 2 Yet there's one thing that Spintax will never have, and that's a great transition to break.

Speaker 2 Are we going to break? You said that. I was doing it right then.

Speaker 2 That was it. Just the way you said it, I couldn't tell.
No, that was it. I didn't hear a great transition to break.
You guys ruined it. I didn't hear a music sting or anything.

Speaker 2 I was like, what the fuck is he talking about? God damn it.

Speaker 2 His face looks like we should understand.

Speaker 2 He was smiling so big, like, I'm doing a thing. And I was like, what? No.

Speaker 2 Oh, well. Anyway, let's go to break.
Oh, nice one.

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Speaker 2 Huzzah, Chris Must is almost here in Foon, and this year, Chris Must not get anyone a boring gift.

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Speaker 2 When you shop at Uncommon Goods, you're supporting artists and small independent businesses. And actually, I just ordered gifts for Usador and Arnie from Uncommon Goods.

Speaker 2 For Arnie, I got a through-the-window puzzle advent calendar. Advent, I assume, being short for adventure.
And for Usador, ooh, I got a pinball machine DIY building kit.

Speaker 2 Basically, build your own pinball machine because Arnie said it would be super funny if he became a pinball wizard. I don't get it, but it seems very cool.
Uncommon goods has something for everyone.

Speaker 2 So don't wait. Cross those names off your list before the rush.
To get 15% off your next gift, go to uncommon goods.com/slash magic tavern. That's uncommon goods.com/slash magic tavern for 15% off.

Speaker 2 Uncommon goods. We're all out of the ordinary.

Speaker 2 Pan Pan, as a book, do you have any of your own hopes and dreams and desires for the future? You know what?

Speaker 2 What I really want at the end of the day is to be on a shelf with a lot of other good books snugly stacked beside me. Sexy.
Yeah, right?

Speaker 2 Community. You can slide me in and out.
We can rearrange this by color.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I never thought about that, but a book must feel sort of a part of a community when it's on a shelf with other books, much like we do when we're like, you know, amongst our friends,

Speaker 2 touch, familial touch and hugging and whatnot. Well, I have many,

Speaker 2 many, many books

Speaker 2 in my room here at the tavern.

Speaker 2 If you would like,

Speaker 2 you could spend some time with those books.

Speaker 2 Spell books, histories of long dead civilizations and lineages of royalty, that sort of thing.

Speaker 2 Nah. No? Okay.
Pan Pan, how would you feel about being left in a bathroom? You know, it's not as nice of a location, but you'll probably be read more often.

Speaker 2 You know, I feel flattered that you wanted to bring me in there and you wanted to read even during this time while you're doing other things, something so intimate, but at the same time, I'm afraid I'm never going to come back out because you'll decide I'm a bathroom book and I can only be read in the bathroom.

Speaker 2 That is that's a tough. That's a tough spot to get out of.
You'd never take me to the beach again.

Speaker 2 Oh, so you wouldn't mind being a beach read then? You know, I like being a beach read, too.

Speaker 2 You get to see the world, you get a little sun, which is nice, but not a lot of reading gets done, I'll tell you.

Speaker 2 Just a couple of sentences, and then all of a sudden you're used as to block the sun from someone's eyes. Sure.
Or to hold someone's wine glass level.

Speaker 2 You know what, though? The three of us, we haven't been to the beach in an age. You, me, and chunt? Yeah, that's right.

Speaker 2 Which three? The three of us. Four of us.

Speaker 2 I meant Arnie Chunt and I, as we're kind of, we're famously a threesome.

Speaker 2 But I would say, you know, if Penn and I'm a gone, it's a perfect excuse to add a fourth and take a little break and perhaps go to the beach for a week or so. Was that another segue into a break?

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's so hard to tell you, sorry. No, no, no.
I was just saying, you know, if we...

Speaker 2 No, no, don't start singing the song. Well, you made the big, you did the big grinning.
No, I was just saying we could go on vacation if we wanted to. Okay.
And take this book with us. Okay.

Speaker 2 If I say, you'll know what I'm throwing to break. Well, you pointed to your eye and then winked.

Speaker 2 Help us help you, man.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 2 I'll do my best. In the future, from now on, before I throw it to break, I'm going to turn to all three of you and I'm going to go, I'm about to throw it to break.
And then I'll throw it to break.

Speaker 2 Will that help? Which three? You sorry, we've already done two breaks. Don't do another break.
I'm not trying to do a break.

Speaker 2 That would be the worst thing you could do. I'd not be able to do that.

Speaker 2 The last thing you want is to throw to a break and then the show comes right back because everyone knows you don't have commercials for this one. I know.
Oh shit. Use it or don't.

Speaker 2 Pan Ban, what about this? This would be less reading, but what if you were in like an important library and you're in your own area and there were like chains over you?

Speaker 2 Like so that to say that like no one can read this. This is a forbidden book.

Speaker 2 And all the students are like, I'm going to spend all semester trying to figure out how I can secretly read this book of immense power. Oh, the restricted section.
How exciting. What a clue.
Oh, yes.

Speaker 2 Yes, I'd love to be behind a curtain. Oh, yes.
Like a beaded curtain? Sure, bead it.

Speaker 2 I don't care. Velvet? Whatever you got.
Imagine a heavy velvet curtain, and we pull it back, and you are sitting there alone on a podium, waiting to be oped and

Speaker 2 have your secrets plumbed. Yeah, I'd love to be ooped.
Op me. Oat me, Daddy.

Speaker 2 Both of those are great. I'd love, I'd love to

Speaker 2 some sort of something that really shows off the danger of the knowledge within me.

Speaker 2 And those little grubby fingers of those kids, they couldn't stay off me. They'd want me so bad.
Not just kids, too. Old people,

Speaker 2 middle-aged people, teens.

Speaker 2 There's nothing more tempting to me than a forbidden book. I always want to know what's going on in there.
Yes, indeed.

Speaker 2 But what if we went to the beach and we set up a little shack, and within the shack there was the curtain?

Speaker 2 Are we guilty, little lily, if we try to have a forbidden book at the beach? Oh, I get you. Yeah, well, you're going to take me with you, right? We can do it all.
Yeah. Take me to the beach.

Speaker 2 If I were a book and I was chained up, but I was at the beach, I feel like people were planning to throw me into the ocean and so that I would sink to the bottom.

Speaker 2 That happened to a board game friend of mine.

Speaker 2 Do you have a friend that's a board game? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Shelf buddies. What was his name? Oh, Googangi.

Speaker 2 Googangi?

Speaker 2 Oh, no.

Speaker 2 We'll never get to play Googangi.

Speaker 2 Guys, guys, think of the loss. I just got so sad.
My heart got so sad. We'll never play Gugangi.

Speaker 2 No, I've heard of this game. You do not want to play Googangi.

Speaker 2 I want to play Gugangi.

Speaker 2 Well,

Speaker 2 is that a dangerous game? It's the most dangerous game. After that, of course, man.
Man.

Speaker 2 Man. Gugangi, more dangerous than man.
What?

Speaker 2 For real? Man, I want to spend a... Can we spend a whole season getting Gugangi?

Speaker 2 I'm not sure you know what you're asking for. Ani, this game is terrible.

Speaker 2 If you start to play it, all sorts of demons and monsters and creatures will start appearing in your home. That sounds fun as hell.

Speaker 2 But then somehow, later, you're in googangi for some reason i think oh so like the i think you're googangi so the board game opens up and you're inside googangi i guess and then there's past players who are also lost gugangi who then escape gugangi is that it and then you're playing googangi but there's no one playing gogangi

Speaker 2 it sounds great unless it's also kind of weirdly sad in a way that just doesn't feel right Nope, it's not that.

Speaker 2 Okay, good.

Speaker 2 And monkeys probably too. Monkeys.

Speaker 2 Oh, tons of monkeys. Demon monkeys.
Oh, demon monkeys. I want to plug a gunkie.
We got to find it. We got to go to the beach.
Let's the four of us.

Speaker 2 And let me point to the four I'm talking about real quick, just because I've seen how communication does.

Speaker 2 Yeah, there are more people in the tavern, I suppose. Yeah, get out of here, you bored horse.

Speaker 2 He really wants to go to the beach, even after hearing Arnie's story. I think that horse is coming closer because it wants to hear more about my MFA.

Speaker 2 Oh, he's holding up a surfboard. He's a board horse.

Speaker 2 All right, this is making sense.

Speaker 2 I'm going to get us some drinks from the bar, and I'll see if the horse wants to go with us. Maybe it'll be a fifsome.
Give me a sex to go, because I want to have it on the beach.

Speaker 2 Sex to go for the beach. Any? I'll have a red.
I'm not even going to try to get a red potion. No way.

Speaker 2 Panonopcon, you need someone to get a picture of the pot and some talent wine. Talent wine.

Speaker 2 Whatever juice the bartender can put into a snifter. Whatever juice.
I've ordered that before. You'll be happy with it.
Probably most juices. Body juice! I meant to say body juice.
Yeah, I got got it.

Speaker 2 Body juice. Pan Pan.
Now that Usidor's not here, I know, look, he's so eager to get terrible secrets about Spintax. And look, we want that too.

Speaker 2 But we know that you're about more than just that.

Speaker 2 But I'm curious, like, Pan Pan, how do you feel about Spintax? Like, he kind of abandoned you. Like, there must be some amount of resentment there.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, it hurts.

Speaker 2 You know, I thought I was him. I thought we were the same.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And yeah, I thought that he valued me as much as I valued him. Oh, he's having trouble processing the emotions.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 It's tough. Yeah, buddy.
Oh.

Speaker 2 You know, maybe...

Speaker 2 Maybe that's why I wasn't a book for a long time. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Because it hurt to be a book.

Speaker 2 It's got to be tough when you have a book that you're so closely connected to and it maybe mean a lot to some people, but then the author is revealed to be a weirdo jerk that everybody rightfully dislikes.

Speaker 2 Like, what does that do to the books themselves? Yeah, it's almost better to just be like, this book wrote itself. Yeah, like if

Speaker 2 there was a different dimension, someone would have written that book, even if that person died in a car accident when she was a little girl.

Speaker 2 I can't say for sure, but it seems like you're smiling.

Speaker 2 Pan Ban look. I don't know if I've mentioned this before but I went to school for creative writing I have an MFA and I spent some time taught learning about sort of

Speaker 2 literary theory and here's the thing some people think that authorial intent is the most important thing that what the author intends the book to be about is is the end-all be-all answer but other people think that once a book is written authorial intent means almost nothing and it's really what other people bring to the book.

Speaker 2 What I'm saying is

Speaker 2 I didn't waste my tuition to get an MFA.

Speaker 2 Sex to go.

Speaker 2 Sex to go.

Speaker 2 I talked to Board Horse.

Speaker 2 I think he's willing to give us a ride to the beach.

Speaker 2 He says he just wants to go. We don't necessarily have to hang out once we get there.

Speaker 2 Does Board Horse understand that our relationship to horses on this podcast is sort of like a sitcom love interest? Like, they usually get about three episodes.

Speaker 2 And every time one comes on, everybody goes, whoa.

Speaker 2 Yes, he also told me that his real name isn't Board Horse, but it rhymes the female part of the body.

Speaker 2 Blipples.

Speaker 2 Arnie, you've really opened my eyes. I'm done.
I am no longer. Do I need spintax to have meaning? I'm done.
I'm a done book.

Speaker 2 I'm a complete work of literature on my own. And now I can have a relationship with the reader.
Oh,

Speaker 2 that's the most important relationship between a book and the reader.

Speaker 2 And, Pan Pan, let me just say, because it seems like it fell out of the back of Isidor's robe, let me just say that to celebrate your new independence, here is a blood rose I'm going to put inside you here as a bookmark.

Speaker 2 We'll just shut that there. I feel like this is supposed to do something to me.

Speaker 2 Chut, what did you do with my Blood Rose? Oh, I'm using it as a bookmark. It seemed like you weren't really using it.

Speaker 2 But the Blood Rose makes wizards fall in love, which means that they're connected at a higher level across all the realms of Ephesius, which means that you've connected the book to the realms of Ephesius.

Speaker 2 And now,

Speaker 2 what could happen?

Speaker 2 Maybe we go to the B?

Speaker 2 Don't know. I mean to the book.
Oh,

Speaker 2 if it's connected.

Speaker 2 The book is the book is glowing. Pan Pan, are you okay?

Speaker 2 I'm feeling an opening

Speaker 2 in my backside.

Speaker 2 Uh-huh.

Speaker 2 Beyond the end, beyond my index, beyond my appendices,

Speaker 2 the secret chapter! The secret chapter! Oh, we found it! Oh my gosh. Pan Pan.

Speaker 2 Know that we respect you and we're dying to get to the beach.

Speaker 2 But please share with us what is hid within this secret chapter. There's a lot.
A lot of really messed up stuff in here. It's gonna take some time.
Okay, okay.

Speaker 2 Okay, so you're saying this is not a one-episode revelation. You're saying this is something that we could tease out over time.
I thought I was coming with you. You said you're gonna take me with you.

Speaker 2 But sure, sure, sure. We need to see you someplace and find out.
You're not just gonna read the hidden chapter and then drop me on the ground. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 2 Look, throw me aside, just like Spintex did. Pan Pan, look, I know we had you as a book nine or so years ago, and yes, we forgot you existed until very recently, but that's not gonna happen again.

Speaker 2 Not gonna happen again. Listen, we found a secret chapter in your prostate.
Listen, that's good.

Speaker 2 You're evolving. All right, all right.
It's gonna take me a little while to open up. John, you probably know how this works better than we do.

Speaker 2 Once I'm comfortable, I'll tell you everything that's in the secret chapter. Okay.
For now, I can tell you, Spintax moves toward Northeastia.

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 2 Oh, shit.

Speaker 2 You mean, even now, he's planning some sort of ascendance upon that great and wonderful kingdom?

Speaker 2 Een now.

Speaker 2 Even now. But wait, the Northeast is one of the most powerful stopgaps between the wizards controlling all of Foon.
Yeah, that seems like exactly why Spintax would want to take it. Shit.

Speaker 2 Yeah, why does he think about that? That's why he's no longer writing in the book. It's like you almost didn't need to know that to know that that's where he was going.

Speaker 2 He's so much better at plot than we are. If this is a door that Spintax is willing to open,

Speaker 2 I don't know if we can close. Did I use that right? You, sir, did I use that right? No, that's okay.
So it's like a past tense, or is it open?

Speaker 2 You want to say open? Oh, if that's a door he's willing to open, then I don't know if it can be closed. Closed.

Speaker 2 You can say closed. Yeah.
Sorry. Great.
That was great. Close it.

Speaker 2 Oh, shit. Yeah.
That's why you're the book.

Speaker 2 Well, this is indeed troubling news, and we must prepare ourselves, for time runs short. For as we all know, in but a mere 20 episodes, all this shit's gonna come to a boil.

Speaker 2 But we can't go back to the northeast because Tom Blaine Belaroth wants to kill me. Ah!

Speaker 2 Ah, but didn't we not encounter a Tom Blaine from the past who perhaps we've planted a seed within to make him good once again?

Speaker 2 Yeah, and Arnie, it sounds like even if we do run into the Bold Kig, he wants to kill Arnie. He doesn't want to kill

Speaker 2 Narni. Oh,

Speaker 2 I gave you bangs. So you're saying the main difference between me and the character in your very successful children's book is that Narnie has bangs? What do you mean?

Speaker 2 Six foot four, full beard, bangs.

Speaker 2 That's my Tinder profile. Now.

Speaker 2 Also, let us not forget, Cheltis started recently dating the king's sister. Oh, yeah, there's so much going on subtly pointing us towards the northeast for the end of this season.

Speaker 2 Are there any beaches in Northeast India? Oh, yes, some of the most beautiful beaches in all of Foon. Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.

Speaker 2 Beach

Speaker 2 You know, we've accomplished so much this episode. We should treat ourselves.
Yeah, let's take 10 episodes off.

Speaker 2 Well, I don't know about that long, but 10 episodes off, and let's play 100 games of Gugugan.

Speaker 2 Just a couple weeks, and we'll go to the beach. How's that sound? All right, all right.
A couple weeks off, and we'll go to the beach. That sounds fine, fine, fine.

Speaker 2 Come on, Pan Pan, you big, beautiful beach reed.

Speaker 2 All right, I'll introduce you to Gugangi. Kugangi, that's what it was.
Gugangi.

Speaker 2 While we're at the beach, this doesn't have to be our main thing, but can we spend some time planning a Patreon spin-off where we play Gugangi?

Speaker 2 I mean, a little time. That's all I ask.

Speaker 2 Just think of the plot bombshells dropped in today's show that will come to fruition in just a nearly unlimited number of episodes. Hold our beer, Stranger Things.

Speaker 2 User or the Wizard was played by Matt Young. Chunk the Talking Badger was played by Adol Raffai.
The Pandanomicon was played with that certain je

Speaker 2 nasal confidence by special guest Charlie McCracken. We're taking the next two weeks off for Thanksgiving.
I guess Christmas came early.

Speaker 2 But to tide you over, each Monday there will be an unlocked bonus episode from Behind the Patreon, released to the main feed for free.

Speaker 2 We'll be back with a new main feed episode on Monday, December 8th. Speaking of Patreon bonuses, it says here, read with enthusiasm, no thank you.

Speaker 2 Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon.

Speaker 2 Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month, including a theoretical future episode where everyone plays Gugangi.

Speaker 2 To learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com slash magictavern. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adel Rafai.

Speaker 2 Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz. Associate producer Anna Hoverman.
This episode edited by Stefan Drainger. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Alard LeBan.

Speaker 2 Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. See you right back here on December 8th.