Season 5, Ep 79 - Still Princess Trachea-Aurelia Belaroth (w/ Megan O’Neill live in Charlotte, NC)

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Speaker 1 A quick plug before we get started. Arnie wants you to know he has a new podcast miniseries on Christmas music called No Skip Christmas, with new episodes every Tuesday from now until Christmas.

Speaker 1 Another podcast. This, this is what will fix the climate crisis.
The first two episodes are out now with guests Justin McElroy and Helen Zaltzman. That's No Skip Christmas.

Speaker 1 Here's hoping it's No Skip Podcast. Find it wherever you find podcasts.
Link in the show notes.

Speaker 1 The following episode was recorded live in Charlotte, North Carolina, on September 27th, 2025, at the Blumenthal Arts Center. It already happened, it's in the past, there's no undoing it now.

Speaker 1 Sit back and enjoy the show.

Speaker 1 Hello from the Magic Tavern.

Speaker 1 A weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon. I'm your host, Arnie Niekamp.
If you've never listened to the podcast before, I love you.

Speaker 1 Am I moving too fast? Was that too soon to say that I love you?

Speaker 1 Look, I don't know. Look, I don't know what's going to happen with us, between me and you, new listener.

Speaker 1 And it's possible you will never subscribe. You will never listen to another moment of this show, but let's just have tonight.

Speaker 1 For the rest of you, hi!

Speaker 1 thanks for coming out I have never seen more

Speaker 1 pink adjacent polos

Speaker 1 in my life

Speaker 1 all right look if you've never listened to the show before this is sincerely everything you need to know over somehow against all reason over 10 years ago

Speaker 1 And also, if you're new to the show, every two sentences, everyone needs to cheer.

Speaker 1 Over 10 years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of Foon.

Speaker 1 Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through the dimensional rift, and I use that to upload a podcast recorded in the magical land of Foon.

Speaker 1 Now, usually we're either in Hogsface or Nibble Bottom or someplace like that in

Speaker 1 the Vermilion Minotaur or the Wander Lost. We're in a different tavern today, and don't shout anything out yet.

Speaker 1 I am going to pick someone, but start thinking: like I'm not familiar with the name of this tavern, and it's a two,

Speaker 1 technically a three-word name. It's the blank-blank.

Speaker 1 And I was wondering,

Speaker 1 you, sir, what tavern are we in tonight?

Speaker 1 too much to drink already sir

Speaker 1 not enough we are in the not enough

Speaker 1 so this episode is recorded in the tavern the not enough

Speaker 1 Which is a phrase that has never been said about this podcast before

Speaker 1 We're usually recording in the too much, too much of that.

Speaker 1 Maybe the not enough plot progression.

Speaker 1 But we're recording in the tavern, the not enough, where we all are tonight. And I'm joined, as always, by my co-host, my good bud, my cousin, Chunt the Talking Badger.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 yeah, baby.

Speaker 1 Wow, Arnie. I have never seen so many pink adjacent polos.
I know.

Speaker 1 Too much, almost. Almost too much.
I know.

Speaker 1 You know where we should have gone to? We should have gone to the Pink Adjacent, which is... Oh, I love the Pink Adjacent.
It's so close to here. Oh, my gosh.

Speaker 1 Such good mixed drinks. Yeah.
Yeah. At the pink adjacent, you're like, I'm sort of coming up because we're going to get something like a party started.
Yeah. Is that right? Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's adjacent to right. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah. That's enough for me.

Speaker 1 How you doing, buddy? Welcome to the not enough. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.

Speaker 1 It's a weird name for a Tever. It is.
Yeah. It's almost like whoever named it

Speaker 1 didn't intend it to be that. Yeah.

Speaker 1 It feels like a dangerous spar bar to go to because I don't think there seemed to be a sign out front that said, We don't cut you off. Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's true. Which seems

Speaker 1 dangerous. It is dangerous.
And Kuhn is full of danger. You know, Arnie, I just came from the dating pool.
Oh.

Speaker 1 You came from the dating pool?

Speaker 1 Arnie.

Speaker 1 You salty dog.

Speaker 1 I'm getting.

Speaker 1 I just can't. I'm putting my, as you know, or may not know, I'm putting myself back into the dating pool.
Okay. As I stepped into the dating pool, which is

Speaker 1 not too far from the bar, get wet, yes.

Speaker 1 Who so coquettishly screamed, get wet?

Speaker 1 It sounded like a toddler.

Speaker 1 Diaper Diaper get wet. The diaper get wet.
Huh? Diaper get wet. That's never mind.
I just, I,

Speaker 1 as I step back into the dating pool to get dwell, thank you so much.

Speaker 1 I got a pair of these guys. Oh.

Speaker 1 And these will let me know if I match with someone.

Speaker 1 So, Arnie, if I go running off stage tonight,

Speaker 1 looking like I'm doubled over in pain,

Speaker 1 it's not because I'm physically ill. Yes.
It's because I got a notification for the dating pool. Oh,

Speaker 1 so if you so if you run off stage at some point during this show, it's not that it's because you're gonna get nasty. Now you're gonna get nasty.
Yes, yes, yes.

Speaker 1 It's not that I've been sick and for the last three days. Yeah, it's because I'm gonna get nasty.
Yeah, so do you have, am I interpreting this correctly? Instead of socks, you are wearing full-on

Speaker 1 green fish that have devoured your feet.

Speaker 1 You put it perfectly. Oh,

Speaker 1 do you want to partake?

Speaker 1 In the dating pool? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I prefer to like be adjacent.

Speaker 1 Okay. Jason.
Sure, sure.

Speaker 1 I love hearing what's going on in the dating pool. Sure, sure, sure.
Well, next, adjacent to the dating pool is the watering hole. Uh-huh.

Speaker 1 If you want to water your hole.

Speaker 1 You get what I'm saying? Is that like a...

Speaker 1 You know what I'm saying? Is that like a milk, milk, lemonade thing? What are we...

Speaker 1 What's the milk, milk, lemonade thing?

Speaker 1 On Foon, you don't. Well, look, I hesitate to talk about milk, milk, lemonade.
There is a toddler present.

Speaker 1 You don't have milk, milk, lemonade in foon.

Speaker 1 I guess if you let me know what it is, I could let you know if we have it. We have milk and we have lemonade.
Okay.

Speaker 1 All right, well, now I have a follow-up question. If one were to go around the corner

Speaker 1 Do you is is fudge made

Speaker 1 Seems like it's some sort of chocolate shop a chocolate shop? Yeah

Speaker 1 so

Speaker 1 Depending on where the dairy producers are located sure it's not always around the corner sure

Speaker 1 and sometimes there's two dir uh two chocolate producers next to each other Oh

Speaker 1 and that's a real treat

Speaker 1 sure a dairy treat. Yeah.
So I guess for me it would be milk, lemonade, fudge, fudge.

Speaker 1 With my current predicament. One milk.
One milk. One lemonade.
Too fudge. Too fudge.
Is this what you thought you'd see?

Speaker 1 So I'm so excited.

Speaker 1 I mean,

Speaker 1 it is appropriate that we're talking about this too much in the too much. Oh, sure.
But there is no too much.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 you know what? I already forgot the name of this tavern.

Speaker 1 This is, oh, this isn't the too much. This is the not enough.

Speaker 1 Well, you know why I was thinking too much? Because I was going to introduce my friend, who is, let's be honest, too much.

Speaker 1 But he is enough.

Speaker 1 My good buddy, Yusidor the Wizard.

Speaker 1 I am Usidor,

Speaker 1 wizard of the 12th realm of Ephesius, master of light and shadow, manipulator of magical delights, devourer of chaos, champion of the great halls of Toracus, the elves Nobius, Fiang Yalak, the dwarves Nobias, Jonan, and Ookstanges.

Speaker 1 Shut up, and I am known throughout the northeast as Gasmanius Maystar.

Speaker 1 And lo, let it be known that no no matter how many names I say,

Speaker 1 how many titles I am bestowed, how many monikers I take on,

Speaker 1 it shall always be

Speaker 1 not enough.

Speaker 1 Hey, Arnie. Yeah?

Speaker 1 Nah, never mind. It's too much.
Oh.

Speaker 1 Trunt.

Speaker 1 What is it? I want to know. Trunton, you could never be too much.

Speaker 1 You're always right there at the edge. Thank you.
I'm always edging.

Speaker 1 Edgy or edging? Okay. Okay.

Speaker 1 I just thought maybe Usor could do his intro again and make it

Speaker 1 too much.

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 1 It is weird. For the first time, I felt like Usor's introduction was not enough.
Like he was holding back because he didn't want to be too much. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But also, I do want to point out, before,

Speaker 1 before I get to the beginning. I never noticed what Yusuf is nervous he plays with his hair.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And look at that neck beard.

Speaker 1 It is hard to tell if that beard is coming from his face or his chest.

Speaker 1 How did I never notice?

Speaker 1 That used to be... Let's not, let's not.

Speaker 1 Yeah, no, my bad. My bad.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 before we get past this point, I do want to point out something that I noticed.

Speaker 1 People in the tavern clearly are familiar with Usidor, because there's a lot of people yelling out responses to your secret names, or not-so-secret names. But I will say I noticed some elves,

Speaker 1 and they went ham on that fangy yelli, which is which is the right one, and I appreciate that.

Speaker 1 Whoa, that's elvish for milk, milk, lemonade.

Speaker 1 Could I make an intro so big even I couldn't lift it?

Speaker 1 Let's find out. Yes.

Speaker 1 Usidor, just to prepare for it appropriately, Chunt, let's talk for about 10 to 15 minutes before we go. Sure, sure, sure, sure.

Speaker 1 What else? What? What else?

Speaker 1 What else? What? What else? What other else? What else?

Speaker 1 And I realize I said Fangyelli. They did appropriately do

Speaker 1 Fiang Yellik, which is Fangyelli. Anyway,

Speaker 1 oh, we're floundering. Ladies and gentlemen, he's too much.
Ladies and gentlemen, Yusidor the wizard.

Speaker 1 Pooping, I think. think.
I

Speaker 1 am

Speaker 1 Yusodor

Speaker 1 Wizard of the 12th realm of Ephesius, Master of Light and Shadow,

Speaker 1 Manipulator of Magical Delights, Devourer

Speaker 1 of Chaos.

Speaker 1 How does the rest of it go?

Speaker 1 manipulator magical? Sometimes I'm Brad. Sometimes I'm Brad.

Speaker 1 We better start over. We better start over.
We better start over.

Speaker 1 Hey, Arnie. My maiden name was Bander Kluster, something like that.

Speaker 1 That felt nice, but it also felt like it wasn't too much. It was like he was getting real theatrical.
Yes.

Speaker 1 That's true.

Speaker 1 I hope he can't hear us critiquing him. I don't think he can.
I don't think he can. I'm sure he's going to nail it.
He's going to nail it.

Speaker 1 But I'm so excited to bring back to the tavern my good buddy, Usidor the Wizard.

Speaker 1 I

Speaker 1 am Usidor.

Speaker 1 Oh, he's doing it like a dramatic monologue.

Speaker 1 Wizard of the 12th realm of Ephesius, master of light and shadow, manipulator of magical delights, devourer of chaos, champion of the great halls of Taracas, the elves

Speaker 1 know me

Speaker 1 as Fian Yaluk, the dwarves know me, as Zoninukstanges, and I am known throughout the northeast as Gasmanius Maestar.

Speaker 1 And there may be other secret names. Names that if I e'er did dare,

Speaker 1 eer to dare

Speaker 1 to dare dare

Speaker 1 to them aloud. Most assuredly, each and every one of you here would weep a single tear as you realized your death was imminent.

Speaker 1 And you felt your very brain swell within your skull

Speaker 1 until your skull burst open and your brain popped out of your head and turned to you and said, Goodbye.

Speaker 1 And ran off into the woods, ne'er to be seen again. The last thought you would have was,

Speaker 1 the fuck?

Speaker 1 Should I strike my own chair? No, and we'll let you know. Thank you.
Thank you.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 did you also want to hear 16 bars of a song? Well, hold on. 60 bars of a song? 16.

Speaker 1 Hold on.

Speaker 1 This is a big one. Are you willing to shave?

Speaker 1 I'm not. I'm sorry.
I can't shave. Okay, then we'd like to hear the song.
If you shave, you can't shave. I'm not willing to shave.
Oh, okay.

Speaker 1 I can shave.

Speaker 1 I won't.

Speaker 1 The weird part is he's reading for the part of flower.

Speaker 1 We would like to hear the song, or at least two of the bars.

Speaker 1 I am the very model of a modern major general of information, vegetable, animal, and mineral. I know the quadratic theorem and many sites historical from Marathon to Waterloo in order categorical.

Speaker 1 Have we told you about Marathon and Waterloo here in Foon? No.

Speaker 1 Two very famous battles.

Speaker 1 One, it was Marathon, it was just one guy chasing another guy with a sword for miles.

Speaker 1 It sucked, and nobody should do it.

Speaker 1 Waterloo was a minor skirmish over a bathroom.

Speaker 1 What's going on?

Speaker 1 Not much. Chun is getting back into the dating pool.
Oh, oh, wonderful. That's great.
Are you

Speaker 1 going right into the deep end there?

Speaker 1 I went into the deep end.

Speaker 1 Arnie.

Speaker 1 I went into the deep end, and of course, I got some feelers on, so we'll see if I get any nibbles.

Speaker 1 Wonderful.

Speaker 1 You went into the deep end first, then got some feelers on? Yeah, that's the wrong order.

Speaker 1 I made the offer to Arnie. Sir, would you like to join me in the dating pool sometime? I'd love to join you in the dating pool.
What are you looking for? What am I looking for?

Speaker 1 I'm looking for a meaningful relationship, something I can really sink my teeth into.

Speaker 1 A lot of people in the tavern averting their eyes right now.

Speaker 1 I hope that if I have as much love to give,

Speaker 1 that I will receive that love in return. But I do not put some sort of qualifier on it.
I simply wish to give the love and see what happens. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And would you want that partner to join you in your quest?

Speaker 1 Well, they'd have to join me in my quest.

Speaker 1 I said no caveats, but that's the one, that's a deal-breaker. Yeah.
If you're not going to go on the quest with me to defeat evil,

Speaker 1 you ain't going to play here.

Speaker 1 What if they've got their own quests? That's just as important as your quest. Oh, I'd oh, I'd, Ani, I'd love to join someone else's quests.
What are you talking about?

Speaker 1 If one of you came to me with a quest, a non-romantic quest, I would still

Speaker 1 be well, I'm just saying it doesn't have to be a romantic. I'm saying I'm open to all sorts of quests.
It doesn't always have to be my quest. It's not all about me.

Speaker 1 I'd love to, if someone came to me and is like, we have to go kill this dragon because it's

Speaker 1 pestilence upon this town, I'd say, let's do it. Then do you want to help me join fight evil? And they'd be like, maybe.
But wouldn't that quest kind of feed into your quest?

Speaker 1 Like if a dragon is terrorizing a town, isn't that still evil?

Speaker 1 Sure, yeah, maybe that wasn't the best example. Well, there's some other kinds of quests I could go on.

Speaker 1 Quest for knowledge. Quest for peace, Superman 4.
Quest for like the best sandwich? Oh, I love all of these.

Speaker 1 Tell me more about this quest for peace, Superman 4.

Speaker 1 Look, if I'm being honest, it's the worst quest.

Speaker 1 It's the worst quest? It's the worst quest. You're telling me it's worse than Superman 3.
You wouldn't.

Speaker 1 You wouldn't think.

Speaker 1 But it is. Oh, wow.

Speaker 1 Somehow worse. Interesting.

Speaker 1 At least two old people like me in this tavern know what I'm talking about. All right.
Well, I would gladly go on a quest for knowledge. Do you have a quest for knowledge of mind?

Speaker 1 Is there an ancient library that's gone missing in a sandstorm or something like that of that sort? Oh, I mean, that's a great one. I was thinking more like

Speaker 1 try and find the dirtiest limerick.

Speaker 1 That's still, I was trying to sugarcoat it. That's still knowledge, right?

Speaker 1 Because you'd know it. There once was a man from food.

Speaker 1 Okay, this will go a lot of ways.

Speaker 1 With his lover, he did like to spoon. Okay.

Speaker 1 He'd turn her around, she'd make quite a sound, as he'd put it right in his pocket.

Speaker 1 That's right.

Speaker 1 I forgot the limerick rules are different in food.

Speaker 1 Wow, the perfect limerick.

Speaker 1 A B B

Speaker 1 C

Speaker 1 Wait,

Speaker 1 I'm tired.

Speaker 1 Did I not do limerick? I thought I did limerick. A A B B C.
A A B B C. Yeah, yeah, yeah everyone knows

Speaker 1 in Elvish it doesn't translate yeah it's hard the rhyme schemes get weird

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Speaker 1 When you think of Usidor, you envision me on a mountaintop wearing my traditional blue wizard robes. But I have other outfits, which is why I'm happy to tell you about quids.

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Speaker 1 Why, I personally just acquired a cotton pink knit overshirt and I'm loving it. I feel so stylish.
I'm planning on getting Arnie and Chung each one as winter solstice gifts.

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Speaker 1 Usidor, have you ever been to the not enough before?

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 Saw the sign, walked right by.

Speaker 1 That doesn't seem like that's for me. Oh.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's like I saw a bar called The Unhorny Rascal. No thanks.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And I'm just like, in what ways is he a rascal?

Speaker 1 I think rascal was meant to be sarcastic.

Speaker 1 Oh, have you been to their sarcastic rascal?

Speaker 1 The sarcastic rascal? Have you ever been to a sarcastic rascal? I have not. That's great.
Have you been there? I've got a great bar. Arnie, it's a great bar.
You gotta go. You simply must.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you must go. Arnie, you have to go.
I feel like I'm getting mixed messages here. Oh, are we?

Speaker 1 If people want to send us mixed messages, they can email me at chuntwith6

Speaker 1 at gmail.com during the show.

Speaker 1 Arnie,

Speaker 1 I took your phone. Oh.

Speaker 1 Look, what word should I type into your phone? Grinder. What was it? Grinder.

Speaker 1 Whoa, it already came up as an app.

Speaker 1 Is that a quest?

Speaker 1 Is it how to make sausages?

Speaker 1 I guess, kind of.

Speaker 1 Kind of, because I understand it.

Speaker 1 Well, yes, we want that sausage, we want that sausage, we want that sausage.

Speaker 1 Be careful, though. We're in a

Speaker 1 the quasi-Republican area, so it's probably crashed.

Speaker 1 One night stands.

Speaker 1 Is he talking to some sleepy Italians over there?

Speaker 1 Oh, the certainly.

Speaker 1 Hey, it's a mia, Mario. Elos Petro, Carala.

Speaker 1 Arnie, if you haven't been to the sleepy Italian. Oh.

Speaker 1 Belissima. Belissima.
All right. Guys, look.

Speaker 1 There's been something on my mind, and I've...

Speaker 1 I think I just need to come out and say it. I'm a little bit terrified about our guest tonight.

Speaker 1 Oh, shit. We have a guest?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 We have a guest that is kind of powerful and also, I guess, sort of evil.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 just

Speaker 1 a little nervous to bring her out.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Can we just agree? Okay. to have each other's backs.
Yes. And if our guest needs to kill anybody, let's deflect them towards the rest of the tavern.

Speaker 1 Good plan.

Speaker 1 Honestly, maybe towards the elves because it's hard for Isidor to translate everything

Speaker 1 that's true I mean they're they're beautiful and immortal they'll probably be fine so yeah let's point yeah push them that way for sure the elves are doing the classic elf not not me pointing to their

Speaker 1 nose

Speaker 1 oh okay look before we bring our guest out who sometimes murders people and this is a weird thing to ask a full tavern full of people look

Speaker 1 none of you want to be murdered. But if we had to have a few.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Couple people.

Speaker 1 We got a few hands up. A couple hands up.
People are ready. Okay.

Speaker 1 You can't volunteer someone else to be motted. Hold on.
This is the happiest person I've ever seen in the

Speaker 1 real thumbs up. You can volunteer someone else to be moted, and you definitely cannot come up on stage

Speaker 1 at the tavern.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 All right. I think we're in a good spot.
Now, I'm going to bring out our guest who's been probably been backstage.

Speaker 1 They keep starting this interview. Might be asleep by now.
Who knows? But they are royalty, so they expect a certain amount of pomp and circumstance.

Speaker 1 A real big cheer from the crowd when they enter the room. Ladies and gentlemen, the co-ruler of the Northeast, Princess Trachia Aurelia Belleroth.

Speaker 1 Lower.

Speaker 1 Your Majesty.

Speaker 1 Your Majesty. Your Majesty?

Speaker 1 Arnold. I would.
It's irony. I would go lower, but

Speaker 1 I do have a torn meniscus.

Speaker 3 A torn meniscus, how absolutely delicious. Okay.
Arnold, rodent, wizard, what absolute agony to see you all again.

Speaker 1 The agony is all ours.

Speaker 3 As it should be.

Speaker 1 So,

Speaker 1 it's been a while, and I keep now you're...

Speaker 1 Is it still Princess Trachea Aureli?

Speaker 3 It unfortunately is still Princess Trachea Aurelia Bellaroth.

Speaker 1 That doesn't seem fair, because your brother... My brother!

Speaker 1 What of him?

Speaker 1 Well, he's considered king now, so I thought of your co-rulers that you would be

Speaker 1 queen.

Speaker 3 One would think.

Speaker 3 However, when it came time for us to be co-rulers, he happened to unearth an old foonish decree that a woman must have a life partner in order to ascend to full co-ruler.

Speaker 1 Damn these archaic laws. Archaic.

Speaker 1 Wait, but he's the king. He can just-can he just change the law?

Speaker 1 That's what I said to my brother.

Speaker 3 And you know what he did?

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 3 He turned up the corners of his mouth and he laughed.

Speaker 1 He laughed. It's almost like he knew.
Arnie and Fun loft is laughed. Oh.

Speaker 1 Erochroft.

Speaker 3 I've been scouring the lands to find my life partner and

Speaker 3 to no success as of yet.

Speaker 1 Well, well, well, well, well.

Speaker 1 Can I ask of Your Majesty, what are you looking for?

Speaker 3 Well, like with any life partner, what I want is someone with a powerful life force that I can bind to my own life force while slowly draining their life force so that I may live forever.

Speaker 1 Sounds like marriage.

Speaker 1 That joke was there. What is it? What is it? The 42640s?

Speaker 1 So you're looking for someone with a little

Speaker 1 to simplify that. Let's think about if we were going to like

Speaker 1 put it on like a post or something to sort of put out the

Speaker 3 large log where people carve their dreams.

Speaker 1 going to put a big log with the princess's dreams on it yeah and you gotta put that out into the universe you're looking for someone with a lot of life force which i'll be the first to admit does not include me so i'm out yes i've heard of the meniscus

Speaker 1 i know

Speaker 1 you've got one meniscus in the grave already i know not to be confused with biscuit meniscus one of you's secret names true

Speaker 1 is that one of my secret names

Speaker 1 i thought so.

Speaker 1 It is.

Speaker 1 You always think that's the one that we've forgotten, but you've forgotten which one we've forgotten. And it's not.
Look, I've got a lot of names.

Speaker 1 There are some I forget because I just forget them, and some I forget because of magical spells.

Speaker 1 Sure.

Speaker 1 That's it.

Speaker 1 So you're looking for someone with a lot of life force.

Speaker 1 And you haven't had any success so far finding someone with a lot of life force that you're interested in?

Speaker 3 I have tried binding my life force to the life force of several others, and unfortunately they drained rather quickly.

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 1 I don't mean to seem naive.

Speaker 1 Can you walk me through the binding process?

Speaker 1 Of course. What does that look like, binding in your life force?

Speaker 3 It's a beautiful ancient tradition

Speaker 3 that involves me making a large, jagged cut across the forearm to tap into your life force.

Speaker 3 I then lash our arms together, harness the lightning of the dark priestess, have it strike down upon our arms, wherein which then your blood flows into mine until you take your last breath.

Speaker 3 It's beautiful.

Speaker 1 Dating is so much work.

Speaker 1 Do you write poetry?

Speaker 3 Only on my logs that I put out into the universe.

Speaker 1 Oh, wow. That's beautiful.
I just, it feels like there's a lot of poetry experience in what you're saying.

Speaker 1 Thank you, rodent.

Speaker 3 I didn't expect that level of appreciation from a creature such as yourself. Oh, thank you.
I do have quite a tender artist soul.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I could see you as like a nasty goth teen bitch.

Speaker 1 You know.

Speaker 3 They call me Trachea.

Speaker 3 Princess Bellaroth, but you're nasty.

Speaker 1 Usidor,

Speaker 1 is it just me or are they vibing?

Speaker 1 Yeah, it seems like they're vibing a little bit, yeah. I mean, Chun just did just get back in the dating pool.
All right, Ani, get over here. Give him some space.
Oh, sure, yeah. Hey, Trachia, Jesus.

Speaker 1 There's a tradition here.

Speaker 1 This is a better chair. This is a good chair for royalty.

Speaker 3 You haven't placed some device on your chair that will make a... a fart-like noise when I sit, have you?

Speaker 1 No, I make all my farts myself.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 we take great pride in the fact that we need no external device to create our own flatulence. Yes.

Speaker 1 They're all homemade, so to speak. Well, thank you.

Speaker 3 This is a very nice chair.

Speaker 1 Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you.

Speaker 1 You got a little life force on your face. Well,

Speaker 3 I only recently completed a ceremony before I came out here, but

Speaker 3 that poor gentleman, let's say, was more than just one meniscus in the grave when I tried to get a quick fix.

Speaker 1 I don't always get to sit by you. Oh.

Speaker 1 Hey, buddy, how are you doing?

Speaker 1 A little less bird shit. Well, no, I was going to say.

Speaker 1 I managed to get some extra on there today. Don't worry about it.

Speaker 1 So,

Speaker 1 Your Majesty, or Queen, or whatever,

Speaker 1 do you. You write a lot of poetry.
Do you know any limericks?

Speaker 3 I know a few.

Speaker 3 There once

Speaker 3 was a woman from the realm.

Speaker 3 When she bent you over,

Speaker 3 she was at your helm.

Speaker 3 She gave it a steer.

Speaker 3 You spit out your beer.

Speaker 3 And then we all died.

Speaker 1 Whoa!

Speaker 1 Holy shit, that might be the dirtiest limit I've ever heard.

Speaker 1 And it was perfect AABBC

Speaker 1 structure.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 Whoa.

Speaker 1 That was

Speaker 1 incredible.

Speaker 3 Thank you. I

Speaker 3 like how you just moved like a dolphin.

Speaker 3 I found it pleasing.

Speaker 1 Thank you. You always try and and move with porpoise.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Usidor. There's no chance he's going to die.
No way.

Speaker 1 Not a chance.

Speaker 1 So,

Speaker 1 what else?

Speaker 1 Usidor, they're floundering. Is there anything you can do to like bolster the mood for them? What I'm saying is, is there anything you can do to help and not me?

Speaker 1 I can cast a spell of romantic lighting. Eroth turro, karat turro.
Help me, elves. Eroth turro, at halaha.

Speaker 1 Kesarazara,

Speaker 1 whatever will be, will be.

Speaker 1 The news is not hard to see.

Speaker 1 Kesarazara.

Speaker 1 Oh my goodness, it works!

Speaker 1 The lighting got so much more romantic. Really? Yeah.
I don't see it.

Speaker 3 I sense no change.

Speaker 1 No, very romantic. Don't worry.
Trust us.

Speaker 1 So.

Speaker 1 I was a wolf once. Wow.

Speaker 1 Oof. Sorry.
I'm sorry. Oof.
I'm sorry.

Speaker 3 When I was 13, my father cast me out into the wilderness, and I could not return until I had killed a wolf, skinned it, and fashioned a cloak from it.

Speaker 1 I saw that.

Speaker 1 Really?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Well, I saw a wolf die.
Yeah. It could have been a different wolf.

Speaker 3 I finished my task in but six hours.

Speaker 1 My brother

Speaker 3 took three days.

Speaker 3 And yet he gets a title. Yeah.
And I just sit here titleess.

Speaker 1 If it makes you feel any better, Princess Trachia Aurelia, your brother's kind of a dick now.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Oh, now. Now you've realized he's one.

Speaker 3 Well, yeah. Well, why do you think I even agreed to come here wizard? The enemy of my enemy is someone I still very much want to destroy but will wait and see if my enemy does it first.

Speaker 1 Right back at you.

Speaker 1 She is a poet.

Speaker 1 It sucks how hard women have it in Foon.

Speaker 1 You should at some point try going to Earth. Arnie, you said women on earth have it fucking made.

Speaker 1 Arnie,

Speaker 1 you said women on earth have it on fucking Easy Street.

Speaker 1 It's never been better for women.

Speaker 1 No one thinks about men. Is that what you said? I don't think so.

Speaker 1 Arnold. Look, what I said is women on earth, every single one of them, deserves a fucking maid.

Speaker 1 Preferably a maid on the men. And who's going to be a maid?

Speaker 3 Arnold. It's

Speaker 3 maids all the way down.

Speaker 3 These women on your earth,

Speaker 3 do they have an easy time leading?

Speaker 3 Do people accept them as their leaders without these frivolous hoops to jump through like life partners and whether or not you're kind enough and murder too much and are just too dark and we don't relate to you?

Speaker 1 I can't speak to Earth, but generally murderers aren't great leaders.

Speaker 1 We don't tend to to lean that way well

Speaker 1 some would

Speaker 1 some would disagree

Speaker 1 look

Speaker 1 look women on my world have it horribly like they're they're they're capable of being great leaders um but yeah society or some of society is resistant to that well i think we're learning a lot tonight

Speaker 1 Arnie, we might be learning, but you're killing the vine. Oh, shit.
Wait. Okay, hold on.
Usidor, I hate to do this. But you have to tell a limerick.

Speaker 1 I don't blame you one bit.

Speaker 1 It's the exact right move to save the mood. Yes.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 There once was a man named King Cole

Speaker 1 who had an incredibly big role.

Speaker 1 He didn't know where to put it,

Speaker 1 and nothing rhymes with put it,

Speaker 1 but he did put it in a button-up

Speaker 1 bag.

Speaker 1 AABBC.

Speaker 1 How is roll spelled? How is what? How is roll spelled? All the ways.

Speaker 1 He had a big role.

Speaker 1 Very important person with a lot of bread.

Speaker 1 Tis that time of of year again where the seasons do change and a veritable avalanche of holidays await us. That is why I use AG-1 to stay one scoop ahead of the holidays.

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Speaker 1 Head to drinkag1.com/slash magic to get a free welcome kit with an AG1 flavor sampler and a bottle of vitamin D3 plus K2 when you first subscribe. That's drinkag1.com/slash magic.

Speaker 1 Huzzah, Huzzah, Chris Must is almost here in Foon. And this year, Chris Must not get anyone a boring gift.

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Speaker 1 For Arnie, I got a through-the-window puzzle advent calendar. Advent, I assume, being short for adventure.

Speaker 1 And for you, Sudor, ooh, I got a pinball machine DIY building kit. Basically, build your own pinball machine because Arnie said it would be super funny if he became a pinball wizard.

Speaker 1 I don't get it, but it seems very cool. Uncommon goods has something for everyone.
So don't wait. Cross those names off your list before the rush.

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Uncommon goods. We're all out of the ordinary.

Speaker 1 You Sidor.

Speaker 1 Back on Earth. No, I don't talk about it much.
I did do some improv comedy.

Speaker 1 So what I'm going to do is the most powerful move in all of improv. Oh, shit.
The unnecessary walk-on.

Speaker 1 Excellent.

Speaker 1 Hello.

Speaker 1 I'm just talking to the two of you while nothing happens. Hello.
Hey, I will be your wait staff tonight. Oh,

Speaker 1 you're gonna be the whole wait staff. You're gonna be the whole wait staff.
Wow.

Speaker 3 I was not aware they had wait staff at the not enough.

Speaker 1 Can I get you anything to drink or have you had a chance to do you want to hear about our special?

Speaker 1 Excuse me.

Speaker 1 Excuse me. I have an issue with my order.

Speaker 1 This is not my station.

Speaker 1 Well, hold on. Hold on.

Speaker 1 In this young man's defense, you are the wait staff.

Speaker 1 Sorry about that. Yes, I'm so sorry to bother you,

Speaker 1 young gent, but I found this bird in my soup.

Speaker 1 Don't say that so loudly. Everyone will want one.
Isn't that?

Speaker 1 but you Sidor, you Sidor, I think it might have worked. You don't mind if I go on Arnold's phone, right?

Speaker 3 Ah, no, please.

Speaker 1 I've aligned them against a common enemy, me.

Speaker 1 Excellent. Excellent.
You should head back over there immediately. Yeah, go go.
Go. Okay.

Speaker 1 I don't. I don't know if this is forward of me.
So many matches on Grinder.

Speaker 1 Speaker of the mouth?

Speaker 3 Arnold, I had no idea you were seeking sausages.

Speaker 1 I'm a hungry boy.

Speaker 1 That's what it says in your profile. Yes.

Speaker 1 Look, it's actually a limerick. Do you want to read it? No, why don't you go ahead? It's right there in front of you.

Speaker 1 I don't have my glasses.

Speaker 1 Oh, is that the problem?

Speaker 1 I'm a hungry boy who's 49.

Speaker 1 Won't you be mine?

Speaker 1 I'd love to see you

Speaker 1 do what you do.

Speaker 1 Let's meet up and fuck.

Speaker 1 Waiter.

Speaker 1 Excuse me, waiter. Oh, no.

Speaker 1 Oh no, literally. You literally startled.
Oh no, you startled my meniscus. Oh no.

Speaker 1 Young man, you seem to be a mage of some sort. Yes, how can I help? Can you cast a spell on his meniscus? It seems to have...

Speaker 1 Isn't going to fucking do anything.

Speaker 1 Did that help?

Speaker 1 I'll say yes. Sure, yeah, why not?

Speaker 1 Look,

Speaker 1 I seem to have hurt myself, so

Speaker 1 I'm afraid I'm going to have to be replaced as the wait staff here. Oh, good.
Luckily,

Speaker 1 I've been being shadowed by this wizard who will be able to take all of your orders. Look at that neckbeard.

Speaker 1 I understand that you've come to dine here today. I shall gladly come to you.
We've come to die here? Dine.

Speaker 3 Yes.

Speaker 3 That's less appealing.

Speaker 1 If you wish to die, I can also make that happen, for I am a great wizard who's doing this job just to make pay the bills. A great wizard.
How dare you?

Speaker 3 Is this one of those restaurants that also has a comedy show?

Speaker 1 Can I get you some bread to start and maybe a drink?

Speaker 3 I will have a glass of tears of a eunuch.

Speaker 1 Tears of a eunuch. And for you, sir?

Speaker 1 Just piss.

Speaker 1 Piss and tears of a eunuch.

Speaker 1 Two of our all-time bestsellers.

Speaker 3 You know, Rodent, my father, was a piss drinker.

Speaker 1 Ooh.

Speaker 1 What vintage?

Speaker 3 Self.

Speaker 1 Awesome. That's awesome.

Speaker 1 That's awesome.

Speaker 1 Someone get to the wiki immediately.

Speaker 1 This is the most important canonical detail we've come across in a long time.

Speaker 1 King Belaroth drank his own piss.

Speaker 1 Oh, and

Speaker 1 Princess,

Speaker 1 I have some questions just off the top of my head.

Speaker 1 This is a question.

Speaker 1 Another

Speaker 1 sort of personality inside me called Hannah wants to ask, what's your favorite color and why?

Speaker 3 You have a small girl inside you who wants to know about my colors.

Speaker 3 My favorite color

Speaker 3 is

Speaker 3 a dull white.

Speaker 1 Adult white? No.

Speaker 3 A dull

Speaker 3 white, which is the color that casts over someone's retinas right before their last breath of life escapes their body.

Speaker 3 It's euphoric.

Speaker 1 You know, a dull. Like Arnie's old friend on Earth.
Oh, yeah. Adult.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 That half-error piece of shit.

Speaker 1 Oh, object work.

Speaker 1 Spin a minute.

Speaker 1 You Sidor, could I see you in my office, please?

Speaker 3 Of course. Mine's hot.

Speaker 1 How can I help you? Oh, that might be the piss.

Speaker 1 Clinkies!

Speaker 1 You sort of, we've been getting some complaints about you from the

Speaker 1 customers. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Apparently you've been somehow over-enunciating and hard to hear at the same time.

Speaker 1 And you have an all-time record. Which is true.

Speaker 1 And you have an all-time record for saying, how dare you to the customers?

Speaker 1 Almost every table. Okay.

Speaker 1 What's your favorite sound?

Speaker 1 Mine's like,

Speaker 3 I'd have to say,

Speaker 1 I like that. I like that.

Speaker 3 I like your sound.

Speaker 1 I like your sound. Let's do our sounds at the same time.
One, two, three.

Speaker 1 What sweet music?

Speaker 3 Rather melodious. Rather.

Speaker 1 Rather melodious. So it sounds like you don't want me to work here anymore.

Speaker 1 No,

Speaker 1 I'm not saying

Speaker 1 I don't want you to work here anymore. We value you here at this restaurant.
We just wish you were better.

Speaker 1 But do you need help? Do you need mentorship?

Speaker 1 I have to be totally honest with you. This job and this place for me,

Speaker 1 it's not enough.

Speaker 1 Oh shit, I think the wizard just quit. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm so sorry, your waiter told me. No, no, no, no, no.
Go back and sit down. We'll come to you guys.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 You know, isn't it annoying when a waiter comes and sits down at your table? It's rare that you come down and sit down at a waiter's table. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, at least you didn't put your hat backwards and look at an empty plate and go, I see you hated it. Yes.

Speaker 1 I'm very, I'm so sorry.

Speaker 1 We really value, we really, it's important to us to have good.

Speaker 1 Are you going to cry? I'm going to cry.

Speaker 1 Look, if I'm being honest, this tavern is barely holding on. Oh no, you're not making enough? We are not

Speaker 1 making enough. And unfortunately, your waiter took this job and shoved it

Speaker 1 and he's not working here no more

Speaker 1 oh no I wish I knew that song

Speaker 1 if I'm being honest that's all of it I know yeah that might be all that there is oh man well

Speaker 1 I was just having drinks with this

Speaker 1 awesome beautiful

Speaker 1 princess. Sorry.

Speaker 3 It's all right. It's not your fault.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 your wings look crazy.

Speaker 3 Thank you. I actually...

Speaker 3 I had my wings done since the last time you saw me.

Speaker 1 You would never guess. I know.
You would never guess. I know.
I had them done.

Speaker 3 I had them done.

Speaker 1 Is that a pretty good one? Stunth right there.

Speaker 1 I see through your trickery now.

Speaker 1 Once I cast off this menial labor, I realize these were all the machinations of none other than Princess Trache Aurelia herself, tricking us into thinking we were running a restaurant just to wear us down so she could make us let her have our life force.

Speaker 1 Oh no, I was enchanted and it's gone.

Speaker 1 My career,

Speaker 1 my career as a business owner, it's just all disappearing. And I'm now just a fucking content creator

Speaker 1 and

Speaker 1 content, and a turret,

Speaker 1 The best it shall ever get.

Speaker 3 What an absurd accusation, wizard. Do you think I would use my magnificent powers to just make you all think that you are working at some pantomime restaurant?

Speaker 1 To come in here and addle our minds, confuse us, throw us under the bus? Yea, indeed, I think that thou wouldst do such a thing. Well,

Speaker 1 you're correct.

Speaker 3 And I siphoned off ten years' life force from each of you.

Speaker 1 Oh, well, that's not that bad.

Speaker 1 I think I'll be okay. Did you do that to me like a long time ago?

Speaker 3 I've done it to you each time I've been in your presence.

Speaker 1 Oh, that explains so much. You're on the show so early.

Speaker 3 I finally reap what I've sowed.

Speaker 1 So you're saying.

Speaker 1 You're saying almost everything tonight has been a lie. Please tell me not the thing about the piss, too.

Speaker 3 Not everything

Speaker 3 has been a lie.

Speaker 3 I am in need of a life partner, and

Speaker 3 I did like your dolphin maneuver, and I did find your favorite noise pleasing to my ears.

Speaker 1 Just kind kind of works, right?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 I don't know, it just works.

Speaker 1 Well, I don't want to get between you two because you're literally between us. You're literally between you two.

Speaker 1 I can't let you kill my best friend, but I, against all reason, I sort of like the energy you two have together. Here's what we'll do if you're amenable to it.

Speaker 1 Let's go to another bar or something, or

Speaker 1 maybe some dance club or something, have fun, see what happens. And, Arnie, the whole night you watch from a stool to make sure nothing happens to me.
Okay. Can you sit on a stool and watch?

Speaker 1 I mean, that's what I do best.

Speaker 1 When I said I like to be adjacent to the dating pool, that's what I meant. I like to watch.

Speaker 1 That sounds kind of fun.

Speaker 3 I've had worse offers of how to spend my time.

Speaker 1 Which which offers? How worse?

Speaker 1 Well,

Speaker 3 I once had a potential life partner ask me to go to a group game night.

Speaker 1 Well, that sounds fun.

Speaker 3 A night where we all brought our own carcass of a deer and

Speaker 3 had to blindfold one one another while we attempt to butcher it. And I've never seen such amateurism.
It's like they've never been inside a body cavity.

Speaker 1 Disgusting. That's what I thought it was going to be.

Speaker 1 There once was a princess who is a witch who'd just as soon throw us in a ditch.

Speaker 1 It turns out she likes chunt, so I'm destroying this evil, I'll punt, even though I still think she's kind of a pain in the ass.

Speaker 1 What do you got? What do you got, John?

Speaker 1 I got some more questions.

Speaker 1 I know. This is from Wesley.
Question for the fabulous blue wizard. That's me.
Oh.

Speaker 1 How's the long leaf this time of year? Do you prefer any particular strains? Oh, well, of course, I, of course, enjoy a good smoke from now on again. I would say, if you,

Speaker 1 even though the name is not quite becoming Bottom Leaf is actually quite good this year. Is it just me, Princess? Are those two vibing?

Speaker 1 That's our show!

Speaker 1 That's our show!

Speaker 1 Was that what a wonderful performance applause? Or this ordeal has finally ended applause? We'll never know. User or the Wizard was played by Matt Young.

Speaker 1 Chant the Talking Badger was played by Adel Raffai. Princess Trachea Aurelia Bellaroth was played by special guest Megan O'Neill.

Speaker 1 Check out Megan's non-profit, Underwire, which hosts events to inform and empower female voters in North Carolina. You can learn more on their Instagram page at UnderwireNC.

Speaker 1 Special thanks to everyone at the Blumenthal Performing Arts Center. As they like to say, support the arts and everything will be Blumenthal right.

Speaker 1 There's a special shirt commemorating this live show, like a war memorial, available in our dashery store.

Speaker 1 So if you want a shirt with Arnie, Usidor, and Chunt lounging in the dating pool, there's a link in the show notes, Creebo.

Speaker 1 Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon.

Speaker 1 Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month. Here's a clip of the most recent bonus episode: another teeny tavern hosted by Momo the Mouse.

Speaker 2 And you both like check your little button pockets, like, oh, and you're like, oh, no, we don't have.

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 2 And then, like, you have night terrors about when you flew from the shirt, and so you're screaming and like flailing your arms at all hours of the night.

Speaker 1 And the day, too, sometimes. Yeah, and the day, too.
Yeah, because I do be sleeping, I'd be asleep at nine to five, five to nine.

Speaker 2 Yeah, which is too much sleep. That's insane.
Are you sick?

Speaker 1 No. No, I'm not sick.
I just don't really want to face the world.

Speaker 1 It's crazy out there. Haven't you heard about what's happening?

Speaker 2 I feel like it's pretty mild. It's been a pretty slow week at the tavern.

Speaker 2 Baichel, you too,

Speaker 2 you may not be screaming in your sleep, but you have a space issue. Like, I'll be walking around and you'll be there every time I turn around.
You are there, Baikal. Bichel?

Speaker 1 Dude, if you don't move, she won't see you. If you don't move, she won't see you.
What?

Speaker 2 Who told you guys that Mice's vision is based on movement?

Speaker 1 Okay, here I am. Did you see me?

Speaker 2 Bykall. Bykall.
So I'm practicing

Speaker 1 the stealth is why. Oh my god.

Speaker 1 To hear the rest and learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com/slash magic tavern. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Niecamp, Matt Young, and Adel Raffai.

Speaker 1 Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz. Associate producer Anna Hoverman.
This episode edited by Tim Joyce. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Alert LeBan.
Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland.