Patreon Unlock: Podpires (I)

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Hey kids, I decided to change things up this week. Instead of an episode of Hello from the Magic Tavern bonus content, I'm bringing you an episode of the most popular podcast in Foon.

Of course, you can still head over to patreon.com slash magic tavern to become a patron if you prefer that safe and stayed content.

But Bootleg Craig's Pirate Patreon Radio is putting everything on the line this week to bring you something dangerous. A podcast like none you've ever heard heard before.

Listen, if you dare, that's right, it's none other than Pod Pyres.

Welcome to Pod Pyres

with Vlad and Chad live from Castle Hawkspire.

Vlad, how has your week been? Oh, my week has been amazing, I have to tell you. It's been wonderful, wonderful.
You know, I went to that new vegan restaurant in Castle Hawkspire. What?

Wait a minute, I don't know about this. Oh, yes, Cafe Inspire? You heard because it's in the spire of Hawkspire.
Okay, yes, there are several spires if you don't know the castle.

Well, yes, this is in the big one. You know the real big one.
Oh, the very big one in the center, yes. Yeah, in the center.
So I went to the new vegan restaurant. It was very delicious.

Well, Betty, explain this to me because everyone who listens knows that we are on a

blood diet, mostly.

What do you mean by this vegan? Oh, well, it's still blood, it's simply sourced from vegans. Ah yes, okay.

I guess for our listeners who don't know what a vegan is, so many of you may be familiar with vegetarians. They are people who do not eat meat, but they will eat the things that come from

the animals, things like milk, eggs, semen, urine, those sorts of things. They will have those things, but they won't eat the actual meat.
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

But the vegan, the vegan won't even eat those things. Crazy.
They won't eat the milk, the eggs, they won't drink the urine, nothing.

So, though, they're the purest type of person to drink the blood from. So, it's very good blood.
Very good blood, very healthy. Very healthy blood.
Yeah, it's supposed to be very good for you.

Kind of, you might not have as much energy. Are you feeling down? Are you feeling tired, the vlad? Are you feeling less than yourself?

I supplement with. I mean, I'm not, I'm not, I don't only drink vegan, so I'm not.
Yes, because you can't, because you can't. I'm not a vegan vampire, right? Because you can't.

I'm not a vegan vampire. I'm a vampire who had a vegan meal.
Well, listen, if you're just joining podpires, if you haven't listened before,

first of all, why?

But you're joining joining Vlad and Chad from Castle Hawkspire, and we are just a couple of vampires who like to

talk. And you know,

the reach of the pod has grown so very wide, so quickly.

And if you're if you have someone in your family

who sucks,

an uncle who all of a sudden he says he started to suck. Or a cousin and you think this guy this person really starts to suck.

It's because they're listening to podpires.

We suck and we're trying to get other people to suck. We are proud to say we are the only podcast that sucks.
We're the only one that really sucks. The only one.

And so if you've noticed, you look around, you see some friends, you see some relatives, you see people are really starting to suck. Yes.

It's because they're listening to a podcast that's very popular. Yes.
And podcast hosts like us, we suck. And we're making other people suck.
And that's just wonderful.

Hey guys, I'm so sorry to butt in.

It's Carnival Wilson.

Everybody, Carnival Wilson. Hi, yes.
I know I'm usually behind the scenes, but every once in a while, I'm one of the producers of Pod Pyres, Carnival Wilson, Trickster God.

Guys, I just wanted to poke in to remind you to promote the suck truck that you guys are

gonna have going on all weekend. Oh, the suck truck! We're going to be on the suck truck.
Well, I'll tell them. Yes, well, we will be traveling all through Castle Hawkspire in the sock truck.

We'll be in the back of it, and we will be doing the podcast on the truck, and we will be tossing out blood-soaked merchandise from the back of the sock truck. It's going to be a great time.

You can ask questions of us in person,

which will be wonderful, wonderful, wonderful, wonderful. Yes, look, we just want to suck your ears.
Yes.

And you know, if you can help us by spreading the word and we can suck other people's ears, that would be just so wonderful because we are just a couple of vampires and we are asking the questions that no one else is willing to ask in Foon.

And hey, I'm sorry to, I'm gonna.

Carnival Wilson, our producer, Carnival Wilson. So we have to thank him.
If our first 1,000 episodes went nowhere because we had no producer, we did 1,000 episodes into a coconut shell.

That apparently is not the way to make a podcast. And we thank you, Carnival, for getting us on the

airwaves. Am I using that word right? Airwaves.
Is it airwaves? Yeah, as I've said many times, don't try to understand the technology. That's my job.
But I want to understand. We want to understand.

That's the point of the podcast. I'm just poking in again to remind you guys.

You mentioned I want to suck your ears.

That's one of our most popular t-shirts right now. And also just to remind you, especially up top in the episode, it's good to remind people of our 13 pieces of merch that they can buy.

There's 13 pieces of merch.

Ah, ah, ah, ah. Yes, shall we count them all?

Yes, so first,

one

wonderful piece of merch is the wax teeth.

These are the wax teeth that can simulate the mouth of the vampire. Now, first of all, we hope that you suck.
We hope that you suck. But if you don't suck yet,

go out, get bitten if you can. Find someone to bite you.
But while your teeth are growing, we want to get you the wax teeth of blood and chad so that you can look like us and you can start to suck.

Yes, a second piece of merchandise. Two, two pieces of merchandise.

We have a special exfoliating cream. So, after a long

day, perhaps, of going out and sucking blood from living beings, you may find yourself with living beings. And by when when we say day, we mean night.
Yes, of course, a night, of course.

And you may find yourself with living skin all over your body, and you don't want that. It's disgusting.
You get little pieces of living skin, it makes you look too vibrant.

So, we have an exfoliating cream you can use to scrub away the living skin from your beautiful dead face.

Oh, beautiful, beautiful. And the third piece of merchandise, three, three,

is the hood.

The hood. It needs no explanation.

Self-explanatory. Self-explanatory.

You can't show your face. And I'm just butting in to say the hood is our most popular seller right now.

What about the t-shirt that says I want to suck your ears? You said that was our most popular. Yeah, you did say that.
Carnival Wilson. You said that.
Well, that was our most popular t-shirt. Most

popular t-shirt. Okay.

Actually, you can get the the hood with I want to suck your ears on the hood as well yes yes you can so that's number four yes that's the hood three is regular hood four is hood with I want to suck your ears five is t-shirt with I want to suck your ears

six is pants that say I want to suck your juicy ears on the butt

and juicy is really big on the butt in script people love it

Wait, did we say six or do we on seven? That was six, that was six. Okay, number seven, the tricycle, the abandoned tricycle.

You you knock it over and you put it in your front yard to give the idea that you've taken a child and sucked it dry.

Yes, but you don't have to drink a child here for this I guess you don't have to, but especially for those of you who want to look like you have, you can get this tricycle.

Yes, of course. Yes,

and so the rest are mostly t-shirts, different shirts that we rotate through.

Yes. Because you know, if you do a different shirt every week, it's a wonder, wonderful way to fleece your customers.
Yes, it's a good way to continue to extract money.

And we vampires, we love to extract from our people. Oh, Visa.

Visa.

You know, we are just

two vampires who are just asking

the basic questions. Questions that no one else is willing to ask.
And I can't help but be drawn back to the news that we are getting of an outbreak of funsals

in the south east. Yes.
Now,

I don't know why people are so stupid with this, but you know, we've been talking about our blood-only diet. Yes.

And we've been talking about how you can protect yourself from funsels by just sucking.

Because there are people they say, okay,

if a funsals is out there, why don't you go to a licensed wizard and get the spell that protects you from funsels? Right? Yeah, right.

Now, here's what I'm saying.

You don't need it. It does more harm than good.
Protect yourself naturally just by sucking blood. So don't get the wizard spell that protects you from funsels.
And I want to be so clear about this.

Why do I believe that? Because I suck.

Yes, I suck as well. That's why I believe it as well.
I believe you should have the opportunity to get it if you want. If you are stupid and you want to get it, you can get it.

If you're stupid, well, go ahead. But listen.
But if I suck, get it. I mean, don't get it.
Don't get it.

And if you meet someone else who believes this, just understand that the reason they feel this way is because they suck. Yes, they suck.
And you too should suck.

Suck with us. Suck with us.
Suck with us. That's a good t-shirt.
That's a really good, that's a possible t-shirt.

14

t-shirt.

Really, really amazing. Well,

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Really, really amazing. Well,

I don't leave Castle Hawksby very often. No, why would you? For me, why would I?

There's so many new vampires here. By and large, there are vampires who are listening to potpires.
Yes. They see us and they are excited about what we are saying and what we are doing.

And so it's fun to talk to people. But the other night I did go swimming in the moat.
Really? The moat? Tell me more about the moat. I was not aware that I don't like to swim, I have to tell you.

No, I understand. I don't generally either.
And because we don't need to breathe, because we're dead. Yes.
But I always... This is a bit...
I always worry, what if someone blessed the water?

I know that's crazy. I know

probably the water is unlikely to have blessed the random mode, but how do you know that you don't know?

But now, here, what you're saying to me, this is crazy because when I'm underneath the water, I go into it and I know that if I put my toe in that water, if someone blessed it, it will burn.

So I go swimming in there, but what I don't know, and I've never seen this done as an experiment, is if what if I'm swimming in the water and then I'm underwater and someone comes along and blesses the water while I'm in the water this freaks me out this freaks me out too yes I don't know the answer to that I want to know would the water become blessed holy water uh

while you're in there also here is a question when you see people bless holy water it's usually like a small cup yes can someone bless an entire moat would that take more power?

Yes, would you need more people, or could one really good person do it? How does the blessing work?

Why is it the cross? What is the significance of that shape? Yeah, yeah, right.

Why pick that shape? Why pick that shape? Because there's no real significance of that symbol in Fund that I know of. And yet, when I see it,

you know, my flesh starts to burn.

I cower, I find myself cowering, and I hiss. Do you hiss?

I absolutely do. I just smell cliche.
I sound like my father, but I'm like, why?

I don't want to do that.

I don't think I will do that, but then when I see the cross, I hiss. Let me ask you this.

Do you think that garlic probably tastes good?

I believe it is good. I wish I could get myself to try it.

I think it would be fine. Because I've met some vampires who were bitten later in life, and they say it is unbelievable the way they used to crave this stuff.

And then there's some kind of chemical change. Then when you get bitten, you don't like it anymore.
And in fact,

you hate it so much and it feels like it will kill you. Although, to be fair, I feel that way about many of the things I used to like before I was bitten.

What other examples?

I used to love cantaloupe. Cantaloupe was my favorite thing to eat, but now I want blood, blood,

only blood.

Yes, but the cantaloupe specifically, there's something extra about that, or because before what you're describing to me, I can apply to almost all food.

Yes, I don't want any food that I used to like except for

blood. Like, if

food has

some trace of blood blood in it, the blood component is very yes, blood versed, yes. I would prefer like a roast beef sandwich

to cantaloupe because I think there is some blood in the roast beef sandwich. But what I would prefer to both of those is a big bucket of blood.
Exactly.

Almost, almost nothing, well, not almost, nothing tastes better than blood, which is is a little sad. I'm going

can I go out on a limb? I don't know how you feel, but uh, I feel sometimes I wish my diet was more expensive. But whenever I try anything, I just want more blood.

Which is why I went to the vegan restaurant.

You don't.

And that's why everyone is trying to give you, you know, wizards are trying to bless you or or or cast spells to protect you from things and uh and wizards and and and apothecaries will say, oh, take this potion.

But you know, big apothecary, that's where you just

follow the coins. Follow the coins.

All you need is blood, folks. All you need is blood.
It will give you all the protection that you need. And you can be dying, and all you need is a little bit of blood.
Yes, yes. Or already dead.

You can already be dead, as most of us are. We can already be dead.

That's where you want to be ultimately.

Already dead.

Don't be scared of being dead because that's where we are all going. And let me tell you, it is a great, great place

to be.

Should we take just a little break

for an ad, perhaps? Yes, yes, we should.

The ads are important to us.

Okay, let's keep this very casual and let's make the sponsorship copy our own. Alright, pod pyres, we're so lucky this week to be brought to you by the fine vampires at Comfort Coffins.

Now, I don't know about you, Vlad, but I find it very hard to get a good rest while the sun is in the sky. And I'm lying in my coffin

and I'm waiting for night to fall.

But this was until I found Comfort Coffins. Now, the reason comfort coffins is different is the first thing that you do is you go to the entrails of a goat and you fill out a survey

to determine your coffin number.

What is your coffin number? What's your coffin number?

Do you like to die hot? Do you like to die cold? Do you prefer to be nailed in? Or would you rather just have one of the creaky lids that opens on a hinge like

So over at Crooked Coffins, they take all this into account and then they send you a custom coffin that arrives on a haunted barge.

And I'm telling you, you know, when each time I rise from the dead, I am relaxed and I'm ready to suck.

Now, Vlad, they sent you one of these coffins. Yes.
Just be honest, how did you like? I slept like the dead.

But seriously,

I I got the one with the chains wrapped around it that makes it. Oh, I was looking on their their their their entrail site is so great.
When you go to it, there are so many options.

And that was a very popular one. Yes, I like that one.
So why did you go to chains? Why did you go for chains? I went to chains because I

like the

decorative, to be honest. They give the feeling that I am very powerful.
I am being locked away. And then, you know, of course, night falls and you discover I am not locked away.

At least that is the illusion. Obviously, often I

open my coffin and nobody's there, but if someone were there, I like to imagine how scary that would be.

Well, you know, for those of you who are just recently bitten, who are just starting to suck, you know, one of the things that you learn from being a vampire for some length of time is that you're very defenseless during the day, and so giving the appearance of scariness,

for example, chains,

you know, or even a spider's web

is so important because if someone comes upon you, there's literally nothing you can do. And if your coffin can look so scary, that will keep them away from you.

And I think that's one of the things about comfort coffins. Yes, to be clear,

comfort is for you. It's for you.
It's only on the inside because on the outside, you know, there can be things like the custom chains, There can be spikes.

You know, there are carvings, ancient runes that give off a curse that really keep people away from your coffin.

And I have to say, when I am falling into death in the morning, that makes me fall much more fast and much more comfortable to know that someone is

going to be kept away by

just how scary, how scary I'm going to look. I believe, don't we have a coupon and

We do.

Comfort coffins. It says to spell it.
I mean, is you spelled it exactly how you think it is? Yes. It's spelled how you.
There's no credit. It's not with a K or something.
It's comfort coffins.

You know how to spell it. Comfort coffins.
And you say pod pyres 20. Podpyres 20.
It's a Roman numeral. XX.
Podpyres 20.

Say it five times into the darkness. In five times into the darkness, and you will get the pod pyres.
Make sure you tell them that we sent you. Also, make sure you don't say another code after it.

They don't stack. If you know stacking, they don't stack.
So, one code!

One code, please. Say one code five times into the darkness.
But this is just a wonderful

before, you know what?

Should we read some emails? Yes, please, let's read some emails. We need to answer questions.
We are all here to learn. Oh, hey, guys, before you get to the emails, sorry about anything.

Carnival Wilson, everyone! Carnival Wilson! Carnival Wilson, Trickster God. Hey,

this is a little embarrassing.

I don't know if we want to do this on air. Frankie the Familiar, the human soundboard, is here.
I don't know if you still want him to be on the show. Frankie the Familiar.
Yes.

I know you weren't really happy with his last few appearances. Well, I'll try anything twice.

How many times has he been on? Well, yes, come, come, come on.

You wait, are you saying we weren't happy? Look, I know he's under your guys' thrall. Yes.

He's a human that likes to make soundboard noises to go along with the things that you say. Why are you telling us things we know? It's look, it's just something that I do.

It's not even, I'm just a copy of a person who does a lot of exposition, so it's just not something I can control entirely.

Anyone who's us or a regular listener knows that Frankie the Familiar is a human who's under our thrall, and he makes sound

to augment our podcast.

Also, you put him under your thrall a little too hard. He's overthralled.

We know. I guess what I'm asking is, should I let him in? Would you prefer I didn't? Okay, let's let him in and just see what he has to say.
But

I don't know if you know this. I think we put him under our thrall a little too hard.
He did overthrall him.

Yes, we overthralled him. And you know that can happen, but when you're such a powerful, when you have such a powerful essence,

that can be the thrill of the thrall. The thrill of the thrall, Villikin.

Oh, the thrill of the thrall. I really like that.
I like the way you put that. 15! 15! The thrill of the thrall!

Come on in, Frankie.

Bring him in, bring him in.

Hey, um, it's so good to see you guys. It's been a while.
Hey, hey, Chad. Hey, Vlad.
Listen, you don't have to lay it on so thick. No, Malcolm.
I love you guys. I love you guys.
I just wanna value.

Don't have a choice. Frankie, Frankie, you're here to be human soundboard.
Okay, this isn't an interview. Yeah,

I'm so sorry, guys. Why don't you go ahead and get to the emails? Yeah, read your emails.
They're gonna be great. I like some positive reinforcement.
Yes. Okay.
Do you want to read or?

You want to read the first one and then I'll read it.

So it says here.

Because you sent me this one. It says, Dear Podpires, I'm dating someone new, and she always wants to have sex in that form, which is great.
That sex is awesome, but I'm really self-conscious.

Right? That sex is amazing. That sex is so good.
But I'm really self-conscious.

Exactly.

So much flapping. I'm really self-conscious about how I look in that form.

I've always been much more sexy as a vamp. I hate my wings.
She says she thinks I'm cute as a bat, but I think she's just being nice. What should I do? Love the show.

Any chance you guys can restock the tie-dye t-shirt with Vlad saying suck my chubby

sincerely

Billy sucks two by two

Well Chad, what sort of advice would you have for him? Well listen Billy sucks two by two. You know we do

you you're being too hard on yourself, okay? Bad sex is great. We all know it

Okay easy Frankie easy. Okay.

But you know, he says so where I have what I understand this listener is saying that this new relationship and is uh difficult to have sex in bat form because he thinks, oh, his wings are too thin.

And look, honestly, even you think vampires like me and Vlad, we are perfect. But no one is perfect, and no one loves everything about the way they look.
I think you're perfect.

Okay, you have to think that. You're under a spell, Frankie.
You're in our thrall. I don't think so.
I don't think so. I think we might have overthrowed him, honestly.

No, no, no, no, no no no no no bat form okay but i don't know even know what that frankie why are all your soundboard sounds about bat fish why you put don't pull me out of here i want to stay i'm sorry i'm sorry this is i i'm getting too involved look

all right i'll go

sorry okay but you know don't worry about it but my point is nobody

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I want to stay. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, this is, I, I'm getting too involved.
Look,

all Alright, I'll go.

Sorry. Okay, but you don't worry about it.
But my point is: nobody, everyone, everyone has something that they're self-conscious about. And your new partner,

Billy Saksak, is that someone who also she probably

has things that she is self-conscious about. And so, when we try to feel sexy, we lean into

all of the things that our bodies nobody is perfect as a bat or as a vampire.

Also, off of that, and this is something everyone knows, but I just we have to say it: if you are watching a lot of bat pornography,

those size wings are not normal. Those are actors who are chosen for the size of their wings, their wingspan, okay? It is not that common to have wingspan, that size.
Don't compare yourself.

And there are a lot of ways for young vampires to get pornography.

You can kill a horse, you can do like a pop and walk. Yes.
And in those cases, you're not looking at realistic bats. No, they are

chosen bats who are bred for that. So I think that if you have a connection with this person, then enjoy your bodies together as bats, as people.
Yes.

Have you tried the thing where one of you is a person and the other one is a bat? And then you switch back and forth? No, wow. I never got into that.
You never tried that?

I've never tried that person. At least I assumed that you would.
No, no, I'm embarrassed. I heard that was something people did, but I don't know how common it is.

Oh my god, how could you not be curious about that? You got, yes, you've got to try that. And,

you know, before we get to crazy letters, that's so natural as a vampire to try that. Okay, I think we have time for one more email.
Yes. Okay.

Sorry, sorry, before you read the next email, I pop back in. Does someone want to churn me? What now? Someone what? Does someone want to churn me? Does someone want to churn? No, no.

We're not making you a sad. No.
We're not.

I'm not biting you, Frank. Okay, okay.

Okay.

Okay, here's one. Just a quick one here.
Dear pod pyres,

I'm recently bitten and still getting caught up on the podcast. I'm only in season two.
So good.

Nobody sucks like you guys. You guys suck so hard.
Thank you. Thank you.

What are some of your favorite hidden places in Castle Hawkspire to just chill out and suck?

That's from Moldar the Undying. Oh, great name, Moldar.
Great name. Only recently bitten, and I would think that vampire's been around for so many years.

Already killing it.

So we talked about the spire,

the big spire. The big spire.
Yes, and we've also

talked about the moat. Yes.
Which I understand the fear there.

What other places

Vlad do you like to go in Castle Hawk's Pire?

Well, I don't like the moat so much, but I do like the drawbridge.

So, when the drawbridge, and I like this, I like it.

So, if you can imagine, when the drawbridge comes up, there is a little space around the sides of the drawbridge that is kind of cozy.

And no, well, I was going to say no one knows about it, but now millions of vampires will know about it. Oh, now you blow the secret.
Now everybody, there's going to be a line every Sunday morning.

Yes, yes. That's the hard thing about the reach of the of podpires.

You know, I forget because we haven't this all happened so fast and podcast is a relatively new for Foon that we we relax here, you and me. We've been friends for a long time.

We talk about something and I forget

that there is this microphone and that it goes out to everyone, and then all of a sudden, it's like

I say too much, you know. But I think that's also the key to the intimacy of the medium.

Yes, although now I'm realizing millions of vampires know I have never had sex with a bat in person form, which I did not want to reveal.

I'm very I have had plenty of vampire sex to nobody doubts that nobody doubts that I'm so sorry but I'm so sorry Cardinal Wilson the producer the producer of the podcast the trickster god you know I hate to come in and ask follow-up questions about sex stuff but again I'm a copy of a person who does um

when you said someone is a bat and someone is a human they'd have sex with each other but then Vlad it sounded like you also said that they would switch I guess I'm just trying to make sure I understand are you saying it's a human and a bat and they're they're having sex, but then the human turns into a bat and the bat turns into a human mid-coitus?

Okay. Is this question a joke? Is this a real question? Or is this question a joke?

I mean, maybe you're a two-dimensional kind of. Yeah,

so okay, this is not so crazy. There is a person having sex with a bat.
You can picture that. I'm sure you have.
Sure. Yeah.
And I'm sorry, Frankie is trying so hard not to make bat sounds right now.

And I appreciate your restraint.

That's a subtle bat wing. Good job, Frankie.
That's great. Toby, I can picture a bat.
And then at any time,

either party can switch into a person or a bat, as long as you both know that you're comfortable with

that,

right?

And that way,

you're surprising everyone involved. And if things are feeling different and exciting, of course, you go to try that.
And sometimes

when I'm making love,

I will surprise myself and just get so excited I'll change into a bat. Because you don't want, especially if you're having some kind of group sex, then you don't want to be, you have to change.

No one wants to be just a series of bats. You just want to be a group that, you know, different people.
Yes.

That's that becomes very boring.

Yes, I could see you want you probably you want to go bad person, bad person,

probably.

Yes, or just mix it up, surprise it. And Chad, you prefer to have sex as like a mist or a fog?

I'm Vlad. I'm Vlad.
But yes, I like to. Wait, hold on.
You're Vlad? Yes. Scarnaville Wilson.
We've been doing so many episodes. Yeah, it's been Vlad the whole time.
I've been Vlad. That's Vlad.

I'm Chad. Oh, okay.
I'm so sorry. Oh, my gosh.

Come on.

But yes, I prefer mist, fog,

that feeling of doom that comes with it. I like to have a feeling of doom with my sexual excavades.

What is it, Frankie?

The sun's about to crest over the horizon. Oh boy, okay, we are going to have to climb back into our coffins now.
Comfort coffins! Comfort coffins! Comfort coffins! Don't forget to forget the cold!

Podfires 20.

This has been another episode of Podpires. What a wonderful night that we've spent with you.
The sun is cresting over the horizon and we are going to be burned unless we get into our coffins.

Please, thank you to our producer, Carnival Wilson, who's just learned our names.

And the human soundboard, of course, Frankie, who is under our thrall. We will see you around the castle.

And as they climb back into their coffins, eeek snap!

Okay, guys, great show. Great show.
You can stay in your coffins. Just some quick show notes.

Good job.

I'm so sorry to tell you that Boo Apron has pulled out, so we're not going to be doing any more Boo Apron ads in the future. We lost Boo Apron.
Boo Apron? The ghost food delivery service? Yes.

They're a competitor with Franken Apron and

Count Apron, I think. What about Casper mattresses? Yes.
The mattresses for ghosts? Yes. Yes.

What else?

We're trying. We're trying.
The only thing is, our deal with crooked coffins means we can't have similar. Like, I know they're not for the same markets, really.
That's what I keep trying to tell them.

You made a deal with crooked coffins? That's going to conflict with our idea deal with comfort coffins. I wait, hold on.
It's comfort coffins? I could have sworn.

Oh, my God.

You're right, okay. And I also just want to say I appreciate you two working so well together.

I know you've had a few personal conflicts between the two of you recently, but you're real professionals. Oh, water under the bridge.
Fuck off.

And also, I ask this every week:

do you want me to kill Frankie? Oh,

leave him for a time. Yes.
Okay. All right.
We can always have him kill himself. Oh, I'd love to.

He will be happy to do it. Oh, yeah.
See, he would love to be sucked off, but no. Alright, gotta go.

Hey, hey, a little bat just told me it turns out you can hear more podpyres on the Hello from the Magic Tavern Patreon as bonus content. What a coincidence.

Vlad was played by Alex Eilhauer. Alex would like you all to have an excellent day.
Chad was played by Steve Walteen. Steve is a writer for the late show with Stephen Colbert.

Carnival Wilson was played by Arnie Niekamp. Frankie the Familiar was played by Matt Young.
This episode was produced by Matt Young. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz.

Associate producer Anna Hoverman. Special Assistants by Ryan D.Georgie.
This episode was edited by Tim Joyce. Logo by Alard LeBon.
Magic Tavern original theme song by Andy Poland.

Podpyers theme by Tim Joyce. You can get more Magic Tavern and more Podpyers for just five bucks a month over at Patreon.

You or any one of your thralls can head to patreon.com/slash Magic Tavern to sign up right now.

As a patron, you'll not only have the sense of superiority that comes from supporting an independently produced podcast, but you'll also sup upon the very essence of exclusive content, including two new bonus episodes each month, a monthly newsletter from the hosts, access to the Magic Tavern Discord, the fullback catalog of bonus content, and ad-free versions of the main show.

I decided to get louder as things got better. And free.
Again, that's patreon.com/slash magic tavern. You will listen, you will join.
You are so compelled. We'll turn you

into a Patreon member.

Pod pires.

Wow, that's hard to say in that voice.