Here Comes The Mighty Helm of Balathor (Part Six)

Speaker 1 Here Comes the Guillotine contains offensive language, mature content, and adult themes.

Speaker 3 It is not suitable for a younger audience.

Speaker 4 This is a Global Player Original podcast.

Speaker 5 Hiya, this is producer Andy, and welcome to episode 6 of Here Comes the Mighty Held of Balathor.

Speaker 5 Yep, I've managed to stretch this into more episodes than were intros recorded by Frankie and Christopher.

Speaker 5 So let's get into it and see how Frankie Boyle, Christopher MacArthur Boyd, Louis Stewart, and Frankie's son Thor are getting on with Dungeon Master Rav Florence's campaign.

Speaker 6 The wet stone and the damp wood

Speaker 3 of

Speaker 7 the structure of this dungeon around you starts to give way to a clean, white, textured clay

Speaker 3 as the lift

Speaker 10 moves down.

Speaker 7 And then a room comes into vision as you descend.

Speaker 12 It's a warm, bright room, completely unfamiliar to you, like something from another world or time.

Speaker 14 It's reminiscent of the room you saw before

Speaker 15 with the cooking implement and the window and the fungus,

Speaker 9 there's a man, he's bald on top, he's got soft white hair on the base of his skull.

Speaker 14 He's sitting on a large, comfortable chair.

Speaker 10 He's watching images play out on rectangular glass on a box in the corner of the room.

Speaker 17 He doesn't notice the lift's arrival, and the lift doesn't open,

Speaker 8 comes down, lands, settles. The door you enter by

Speaker 19 is shut,

Speaker 3 is sealed

Speaker 3 and what does open in front of you in glass is a small

Speaker 19 hatch, a hole in the glass.

Speaker 14 You can reach your hand through

Speaker 8 and the man sits watching his magic glass.

Speaker 21 Can Quenn fit through that hole?

Speaker 22 How small are you?

Speaker 23 We all push hard enough.

Speaker 24 Three foot.

Speaker 25 You can't fit through that hole.

Speaker 8 No, even your heat can fit through.

Speaker 14 So it's like, it's almost like

Speaker 19 a letterbox you would have seen of one of the big buildings in one of the main cities

Speaker 21 of

Speaker 21 Dan Hawk.

Speaker 19 And this man is just sitting there, he's back to you. in this chair just watching his glass and there's flickering kind of images playing it, and you can see that he has

Speaker 14 occasionally picks up a box in his hand and he's pushing buttons on the box, pointing it at the thing.

Speaker 14 He sits, hasn't he noticed you?

Speaker 31 There's never been a better time to summon a snake.

Speaker 32 Takes an hour, doesn't it? I mean,

Speaker 21 I've got nothing else to do.

Speaker 31 You guys play cards.

Speaker 13 Yeah.

Speaker 31 I'll summon a snake.

Speaker 27 Yeah. I've got really

Speaker 33 slander it.

Speaker 19 The abuse of our time.

Speaker 35 I mean, but then you've got it.

Speaker 36 Hold on. So you're going to stay in the glass for an hour or summon in a snake.

Speaker 39 Just to change.

Speaker 23 Wait, at some point have a snake.

Speaker 23 Or we chat the window and go.

Speaker 31 Are we magic myself again?

Speaker 26 Can he hear us having this conversation?

Speaker 33 Before I summon the snake,

Speaker 26 the man

Speaker 25 hears you're kind of bickering

Speaker 39 what this is.

Speaker 43 The man hears it and turns

Speaker 29 and he says, Ah,

Speaker 3 ah right, hold on a minute.

Speaker 27 He gets up.

Speaker 17 Right, somebody's found us, comes up to the glass, kinda has a look, looks at Oye,

Speaker 20 kinda stands back.

Speaker 2 Right, I know you won't be here long.

Speaker 9 He says, So I'll tell you this quickly.

Speaker 19 So my son made this place and he's sleeping upstairs now.

Speaker 8 I can't wake him because I'm like, oh, you, I'm not really here.

Speaker 17 But he needs to wake up.

Speaker 16 He likes coming back to this place, but he can't stay here.

Speaker 16 He's not a boy, he's a man now, right?

Speaker 8 And oh, this, oy us, need to be away.

Speaker 1 So, don't make the mistake of thinking that you shouldn't wake him up.

Speaker 13 Nostalgia's a killer.

Speaker 11 Give my best to the lady when you get there, he says.

Speaker 8 And he walks off and he puts down his books on the arm of his chair and heads off into another room that looks off to the left there.

Speaker 14 So the device is sitting on the chair.

Speaker 31 So we've just killed this guy's son, his girlfriend.

Speaker 37 No, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 31 I think, no, no, I don't think there's discounts.

Speaker 8 I think this is like

Speaker 18 we're in the mind of a child

Speaker 46 or somebody who's not a child anymore, growing up.

Speaker 31 And one of his childish.

Speaker 47 I think it might be a guy called Robert Florence.

Speaker 31 I think it might be Robert's dad. dad.

Speaker 47 This is why I'm quite upset.

Speaker 27 Rolled by a snake.

Speaker 32 I think there's never been a better time to have a snake.

Speaker 48 Should we get out of this box and then summon the snake?

Speaker 31 What else are we doing? Let's summon a snake.

Speaker 22 Summoning a snake?

Speaker 37 For now?

Speaker 27 You want to see how you'd probably

Speaker 32 old man interact with a snake?

Speaker 25 So let's see.

Speaker 49 So, what is that?

Speaker 2 You've got to check your your summons summon.

Speaker 31 So anything catches in having a wank.

Speaker 23 It's this horrifying traumatised snake we're taking about this.

Speaker 21 So does it come

Speaker 21 in?

Speaker 11 What is the name of this fellow?

Speaker 31 Summon familiar.

Speaker 18 Fine familiar.

Speaker 3 Fine families. Fine familiar.

Speaker 27 Right.

Speaker 3 Is that a role or anything?

Speaker 31 I think my intelligence is 19, so I've got plus four.

Speaker 18 It might not be a role.

Speaker 21 It might be just...

Speaker 47 You would never know.

Speaker 51 It might be just your date.

Speaker 6 right? Okay, you're getting the service of a familiar, a spirit that takes an animal form you choose.

Speaker 9 I feel like you've chosen that right for the starter,

Speaker 2 right for day one,

Speaker 14 appearing in a yeah, there's no role or anything like that, appears in an unoccupied space within range,

Speaker 30 is the statistics of the chosen form.

Speaker 27 You also have a telepathic connection,

Speaker 17 you can see through its eyes, you can hear what it hears,

Speaker 30 and also if you need to cast a spell by range of touch, which you don't, your familiar can deliver the touch.

Speaker 32 So, you can burn and hand somebody with a snake who burns them.

Speaker 2 No, snake them.

Speaker 22 The familiar is an ally to you and your allies.

Speaker 8 It holds its own initiative and acts in its own tongue, so it's actually like a snake.

Speaker 28 Could you sleep somebody with that snake, maybe then?

Speaker 49 But you need to explain to them what you're doing then.

Speaker 14 If you're summoning this snake, like because we're spending an hour together doing this.

Speaker 31 I'm going to summon my familiar, Lathabal, the snake,

Speaker 51 and he will help us in our endeavours.

Speaker 31 I don't know if there's much point having him go and watch that old man sleeping. But maybe we should take him with us.

Speaker 31 I can also summon an owl, but I don't think it'd be a lot of use in a dungeon.

Speaker 50 No.

Speaker 32 As a snake would be really useful.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 19 I mean, it's a good opportunity for you guys to kind of share some stories to each other and stuff as you've got an hour

Speaker 25 waiting. Do you have to sit or anything to do this?

Speaker 31 Like, what's going on? Yeah, I've got to sit and concentrate and find my familiar

Speaker 21 on the astroplane.

Speaker 8 I'm mislocated.

Speaker 32 Can we see what's on the screen?

Speaker 47 Yeah, I'm quite fascinated by what's on this.

Speaker 48 There's no way we can get out of this box. I can't try and jam the door open or anything.

Speaker 6 I mean, you can try if you want. You can try and just push it.

Speaker 19 Push or have a make a strength check.

Speaker 27 Do we want to get into some old man's living room?

Speaker 48 Well, otherwise, we're sitting in this glass box for an hour.

Speaker 18 Could we,

Speaker 32 just before you shove the door and we attack this old man,

Speaker 32 maybe can we pull the lever again?

Speaker 2 You want to pull the lever?

Speaker 24 That's okay.

Speaker 31 Shall we wait till we've summoned this now?

Speaker 39 Yes, it's an hour.

Speaker 16 So he is trying to concentrate.

Speaker 32 Right. So you think that would upset him?

Speaker 31 Let's all just sit here.

Speaker 32 Let's sit here.

Speaker 2 But that's what I'm saying.

Speaker 14 It could be a good opportunity for you to tell some stories, some kind of calming stories for your past or something that would help Father Alti kind of concentrate and calm himself and communicate with

Speaker 17 all the snakes on the astral plane.

Speaker 32 Where's the worst?

Speaker 54 Where's the worst?

Speaker 51 You're podcasting now.

Speaker 54 It's conversation sponsored by Barrel.

Speaker 54 You know, when you're stuck in a dungeon, it can feel like that sometimes as a man, can it?

Speaker 31 We've inserted ourselves as an intermediary between you and Help

Speaker 31 so that we can take a cut.

Speaker 32 Well, so we had sponsors?

Speaker 28 Channel 4?

Speaker 46 Channel 4, better help.

Speaker 31 That was it.

Speaker 32 Therapy and colleagues was the only two sponsors for the podcast.

Speaker 21 We've got two weeks of sponsorship out of.

Speaker 18 How are fire shit?

Speaker 44 That is crazy.

Speaker 48 My favourite bit is when it fades out with their little tune and then it just fades straight back in.

Speaker 26 I don't know how big there is no idea.

Speaker 31 But that'll all be solved by this DD.

Speaker 18 This thing everybody asked for.

Speaker 33 High concepts.

Speaker 3 Right, okay, so about 20 minutes have passed.

Speaker 24 Okay.

Speaker 21 What happened in the temple?

Speaker 54 You get up to the archigs Any chance?

Speaker 47 Is there any women in the temple? Is it just.

Speaker 22 I think there is, yeah, I think it's like

Speaker 47 there is.

Speaker 47 Do you know you're not interested in the ladies?

Speaker 48 Just completely, completely devoted to tear in every way.

Speaker 47 Have you ever kissed a woman?

Speaker 37 Hammer.

Speaker 41 I think

Speaker 41 it's a very teary ass of course.

Speaker 51 I was uncomfortable with where this conversation is going

Speaker 22 visibly sort of listen.

Speaker 47 Seeing this adventure, we are going to get you

Speaker 27 laid.

Speaker 54 There's some boot is on your chest.

Speaker 35 There's two pelvises in that room upstairs.

Speaker 47 Have you still got some boots on you?

Speaker 27 Yeah, but.

Speaker 31 I find if you tie a snake in a tight enough knot.

Speaker 47 I'm calling that SPC.

Speaker 36 30 minutes have passed.

Speaker 11 You start to see now that the room in front of you

Speaker 17 is starting to transform back to stone.

Speaker 15 So that kind of alien look that it had is starting to vanish.

Speaker 14 You start to see a kind of shimmering on the back wall as it all kind of starts to turn to stone again.

Speaker 14 But the magic mirror box glass thing that's that's displaying images is still there, as is the chair, as is the box on the arm of the chair.

Speaker 40 Is the manga.

Speaker 29 It's just it's almost like

Speaker 8 snow-like.

Speaker 3 It's nothing, there's no shapes that you can discern.

Speaker 47 So you can't see, so even when he was pressing different channels or different sorts of things.

Speaker 19 It looked like he was trying to get it to work.

Speaker 40 Right, okay.

Speaker 17 And in fact, the door that he's left through feels like that's starting to shift out of existence as well.

Speaker 27 I'm about halfway through.

Speaker 25 He's halfway through getting this snake.

Speaker 49 Can you see the snake now?

Speaker 31 I can see him but he's hanging around with his friends.

Speaker 31 It's someone's birthday.

Speaker 23 He's got a terrible house party.

Speaker 31 I'm gradually persuading him.

Speaker 32 Would it distract him from his focus if Paladin was to start jabbing a door?

Speaker 48 To try and get out of this conversation about

Speaker 22 his sexual activity. Could you all just chill

Speaker 46 another half an hour?

Speaker 40 40 minutes in this game.

Speaker 31 Before we go back into the very dangerous dungeon, let's just get this one tiny bit of advantage.

Speaker 31 We can send the snake ahead of it.

Speaker 17 Alright.

Speaker 17 We're 40 minutes in there.

Speaker 47 40 minutes in. 40 minutes.

Speaker 48 I'm not allowed to try and jam this door.

Speaker 31 Is this what we decided?

Speaker 51 I don't think so.

Speaker 37 I don't think so.

Speaker 24 Don't think so.

Speaker 35 This is very like being a parent in real life.

Speaker 35 Just another 20 minutes please

Speaker 51 what was Roshi like oh bloody hell

Speaker 54 she was about six foot five

Speaker 54 green as a grass

Speaker 21 she was strong

Speaker 54 emotionally

Speaker 54 you know it's funny I was thinking about this while we were in that bloody skeleton fight

Speaker 54 because

Speaker 54 you know I quit fevery for a while and I suppose it was because she stole my heart you know so there was no need for me to steal anything because she just did it you know herself but now she's gone and

Speaker 54 yeah it's been pretty lonely at the the the bridge I sleep under

Speaker 17 now you start to

Speaker 19 magic is heightened in this space.

Speaker 27 Magic is heightened in this space and the snake sooner than expected. Elizabeth!

Speaker 21 Old Fred.

Speaker 52 What has he been doing to the snake?

Speaker 47 Does the snake want to be here?

Speaker 17 The snake starts to take form within.

Speaker 21 You look a little frightened, Elizabeth.

Speaker 21 Oh my god,

Speaker 21 snake.

Speaker 17 He's a beautiful thing, by the way.

Speaker 8 He's a beautiful

Speaker 13 snake.

Speaker 31 Wonderful iridescent coils.

Speaker 27 Wow.

Speaker 27 Darkest green.

Speaker 17 And he appears. He's right there.
He takes full form.

Speaker 3 He's amazed. I've never seen him.

Speaker 24 Woo!

Speaker 41 Fucking hell. Wow.

Speaker 19 So he's a new member of your party?

Speaker 27 Yeah. Wow.

Speaker 25 And you're in complete control, so you can decide what he's up to.

Speaker 31 Dangerous scouting missions ahead to you, old boy.

Speaker 32 I think we should put him through the post box.

Speaker 22 Shut him through the hole.

Speaker 21 I think we should. Go and look at Rab's dad's bedroom.

Speaker 38 There.

Speaker 33 I think we should.

Speaker 21 Should we go back up?

Speaker 31 If we pull the lever again, me my god.

Speaker 27 Yeah, hopefully not.

Speaker 48 Should we not at least send it through and be like...

Speaker 24 Can we get a snake to press the buttons on the box?

Speaker 31 See if there's anything on TV.

Speaker 26 Right, so are you sending a snake through the B-hole?

Speaker 26 It's on the group one. And in the room.

Speaker 17 It's my snake.

Speaker 21 I don't know that there's much purpose to that, but

Speaker 31 well

Speaker 16 our other option is just to leave this room we've sat in for an hour is the door still there did the door phase out of reality the door's phased out of reality but the room is still it's starting to go now though you've been here for quite some time it's it's starting to go now

Speaker 3 but the

Speaker 14 the magic glass is still there still flickering and the box is still sitting there on the aluminum chair

Speaker 31 i don't want to lose my snake

Speaker 6 where is it going to go you You can just re-summon your snake at some point though, can you?

Speaker 31 I could, but now I've... It's very difficult to keep this group focused for an hour.

Speaker 31 I say we just get the fuck out of here.

Speaker 21 Or try to open the door.

Speaker 47 Don't you feel so selfish about your snake?

Speaker 47 Share the snake.

Speaker 21 Put your hands out the door first.

Speaker 48 Tell me to try and open this door.

Speaker 47 Can we throw something out first? To make sure it doesn't like disintegrate and a...

Speaker 32 I'll put one of the playing cards. I'll be shuffling.
I'll put a ace of spades through the...

Speaker 3 Okay, it drops

Speaker 8 on the floor inside the room.

Speaker 21 Safe.

Speaker 39 Fuck it hell.

Speaker 26 Gorgeous.

Speaker 27 Deck of snake, deck of cards.

Speaker 31 Send a snake into the room then.

Speaker 27 You're a good man. You're a good man.
So the snake and in a sense...

Speaker 33 Vaporises.

Speaker 7 The snake and in a sense you

Speaker 14 go through the little hole in the glass, slither down, drop into the room,

Speaker 15 past the playing card.

Speaker 10 Where are you going?

Speaker 21 I'm going straight ahead

Speaker 31 into the next room.

Speaker 33 There's nothing.

Speaker 22 You've got where the door is, but the door has failed.

Speaker 21 I guess I'll try and work the remote control with my facts.

Speaker 8 The snake goes up, slithers.

Speaker 2 It's an amazing sight seeing this snake.

Speaker 9 And he is obviously just completely spaced out while he's doing this because he is essentially within the snake's mind.

Speaker 58 The snake goes up and has a proper look at this box that's on the arm of the chair, and there are six buttons on this box.

Speaker 13 Numbered 16.

Speaker 45 What are you thinking then?

Speaker 52 Should I take the whole box back into

Speaker 31 our box and maybe it will take us to different floors or something?

Speaker 28 I mean...

Speaker 31 I don't know there's snakes very good at pressing buttons.

Speaker 47 What's the range on the remote?

Speaker 24 What do you mean? To the jelly.

Speaker 39 Is it embarrassed?

Speaker 39 I don't know what embarrasses.

Speaker 41 Oh, I think so.

Speaker 27 It was magical. Yeah, it was a magical.

Speaker 31 so is this box i try and wrap my snake body around this box and drag it back towards the lift don't forget he's card

Speaker 18 you do it you well

Speaker 27 you wrap well you wrap it almost feels as if you're wrapping your own body it's wonderful a wonderful feeling it feels like you're wrapping your own body around the remote control.

Speaker 19 It was quite a difficult thing for a snake to do as well.

Speaker 19 So you start to move back and it's all well and good until you get to the foot of the glass box with this opening up above it but you you need to get up there now is the problem.

Speaker 47 Can you magic hand your snake?

Speaker 31 Oh I could mage hand everybody.

Speaker 33 We've got another article.

Speaker 48 Can I not just stick my spear out there?

Speaker 35 I'm going to bring my snake back in the box.

Speaker 7 Yeah you're going to mage hand it.

Speaker 31 I'm going to bring the snake back in, I'm going to send out the mage hand.

Speaker 51 Do you know what I mean?

Speaker 8 Because if I would run a remote control and it's at the base of a

Speaker 31 let it drop the remote control

Speaker 21 and slither back up through the gap.

Speaker 2 Make a roll

Speaker 31 with a D twenty?

Speaker 3 Yeah, D20.

Speaker 21 You've got a diastetic modifier, a plus three, with the snake as

Speaker 27 plus one, nine.

Speaker 24 No, but

Speaker 17 so the snake's starting to try and slither itself up, but it's flopping back. It's no really get anything here.

Speaker 27 Purchase.

Speaker 59 Can we not try the spear system or just sort of split it grabbing the spear?

Speaker 31 Or you could put your magic rope out there?

Speaker 19 Or the magic rope?

Speaker 32 Can I waste that magic rope on this?

Speaker 21 Waste? It's not fucking.

Speaker 26 Is the movie to me and dangle the magic rope out?

Speaker 28 Right.

Speaker 32 Oh, this is now one use thing, this is.

Speaker 28 Oh, no. Oh, okay.
I rope out.

Speaker 29 I thought you'd have to get the fucking mage hand ring your neck.

Speaker 27 So the snake has dropped a remote control,

Speaker 19 coils itself around the rope and makes its way back up to the arms, the arms of its master, it kind of coils itself around your neck.

Speaker 21 I might use my cantrip now to try and pick up the remote control now.

Speaker 44 So we didn't need the snake, you could have used the mage now.

Speaker 39 Well,

Speaker 23 it's very easy to criticise a snake.

Speaker 33 But who was it that wanted the snake to go out there in the first place?

Speaker 19 So the spectral hand appears again.

Speaker 25 He's really, I mean, he's putting on quite a show for me.

Speaker 27 He's clearly a snake to me.

Speaker 20 The imaginary hand appears and goes through, reaches down, picks up the box, brings it back, and deposits it safely, deposits it in Von Rog's hand.

Speaker 31 I give it to you though.

Speaker 21 Thank you very much. Thank you.

Speaker 21 Feel free to explore.

Speaker 47 I'm going to give it a go because I've seen the guy doing it. I'm just going to try and press.

Speaker 21 Which button are you pressing?

Speaker 47 One.

Speaker 16 The minute you press the button,

Speaker 16 the image changes on the magic box

Speaker 3 and you see

Speaker 49 a forest glade.

Speaker 25 Beautiful forest glade on there.

Speaker 10 And there are

Speaker 20 men walking through this forest glade.

Speaker 8 a line of men strolling through, and they look dejected,

Speaker 58 they look sad.

Speaker 14 And you recognize

Speaker 27 all of these men.

Speaker 2 You recognize these men as your former lovers.

Speaker 2 And they're walking and they're weeping towards this

Speaker 14 pool of shining water.

Speaker 2 That's there.

Speaker 19 And that's all that's happening, that's the image that's playing out.

Speaker 14 These men are just walking, and when they're reaching the water, they're taking their clothes off and they're just slipping in and just sinking under out of sight.

Speaker 2 This is my dream we're living.

Speaker 57 This is apparently around another one.

Speaker 19 Just a succession of these kind of beautiful men of different species.

Speaker 54 What's all this then?

Speaker 11 And it's up to yourselves whether you want it, and it's also up to yourselves whether you want to communicate what you understand through what you're seeing.

Speaker 54 What's that?

Speaker 31 Well, they seem to have brought along some animals.

Speaker 54 I don't know why.

Speaker 27 That's your fucking snake.

Speaker 47 So, are you saying you recognise these people?

Speaker 52 From the Love It's.

Speaker 54 It's going to be quite a while.

Speaker 37 Do you recognise the

Speaker 47 place?

Speaker 27 I don't know.

Speaker 27 So, the pool and stuff?

Speaker 41 It's It's just the pool. Yeah, there's no other place you recognise.

Speaker 47 And it's just gone, it's just the same.

Speaker 47 I'm worried for you.

Speaker 39 I'm not.

Speaker 39 I'm worried for you.

Speaker 21 Seems that some of them have had children now.

Speaker 28 Okay.

Speaker 47 I'm going to breath number two.

Speaker 42 Quen.

Speaker 3 Oh, fuck. You immediately see

Speaker 8 the pale green body

Speaker 8 of your wife.

Speaker 29 Not your ex-wife.

Speaker 17 Your deceased wife.

Speaker 3 Lying on a stone slab,

Speaker 3 quite dead.

Speaker 57 And her hands are being examined and her nails are being examined.

Speaker 20 And you realise as the image changes that it's Black Bartholomew

Speaker 57 who's examining your wife's corpse,

Speaker 25 tenderly washing her down.

Speaker 26 And then he goes over, writes the name

Speaker 51 in the ledger

Speaker 30 and the image turns to black.

Speaker 15 You can communicate this if you want.

Speaker 18 So we all see this. Yeah, you're all seeing it.

Speaker 27 Hey, Roshi.

Speaker 37 Are you alright? No!

Speaker 37 What the fuck?

Speaker 27 I thought he was sad.

Speaker 27 I thought he was alright.

Speaker 59 That's my new best friend.

Speaker 27 It's closest to felt to anybody.

Speaker 59 This is Roshi.

Speaker 54 Put another channel.

Speaker 27 I think all the channels are dead.

Speaker 33 I don't want any of the channels.

Speaker 37 I'm infrared.

Speaker 22 I'm really hoping you don't switch to the rest channel.

Speaker 47 And also, you know, I'm kind of hoping, secretly hoping that I might

Speaker 40 get a glimpse of.

Speaker 54 I can't watch this anymore.

Speaker 21 Put something in there.

Speaker 27 My mother or something.

Speaker 47 I'm also hoping.

Speaker 47 I also want to see his past.

Speaker 27 Three. I don't want to see my past.

Speaker 36 It's your family.

Speaker 57 As you remember them them years ago. And they're all sitting around a table having a dinner, but there's an empty chair there.

Speaker 14 They're all enjoying themselves and laughing.

Speaker 14 It's actually quite a warm scene, but there is an empty chair at the table where you would have once sat.

Speaker 3 Don't get too upset because it's not actually you.

Speaker 27 It's just a character.

Speaker 21 It's just a character.

Speaker 37 I told you I'd cry every time.

Speaker 47 Alright, that sacks.

Speaker 55 Oh

Speaker 3 There is a man in Oya struck immediately by the charisma of this man.

Speaker 14 He has a missing hand.

Speaker 20 He has silver eyes, striking silver eyes.

Speaker 2 And for the first time, you hear

Speaker 6 powerful sound

Speaker 14 from the screen.

Speaker 1 My son,

Speaker 27 It is I

Speaker 45 have been watching your endeavors so far.

Speaker 45 I appreciate your faith.

Speaker 45 I appreciate your efforts

Speaker 45 for justice.

Speaker 6 But I must tell you, my son,

Speaker 16 these companions you are with

Speaker 27 are evil.

Speaker 27 They are dark

Speaker 27 figures

Speaker 1 and they are unjust.

Speaker 17 So I tell you, my child.

Speaker 27 Make some good points.

Speaker 1 Wait for your opportunity and strike them down in my name,

Speaker 29 lest the sleeper awakes.

Speaker 19 And the image goes to black.

Speaker 14 You may or may not communicate what's happened to or what you understand of it to your companions.

Speaker 32 Did we hear that as well?

Speaker 37 We all heard it, yeah. Oh.

Speaker 3 Like a sort of nervous

Speaker 18 look around at all of you that's made things awkward

Speaker 54 don't really know what to say about that one

Speaker 54 it's not easy being confronted by your own god

Speaker 47 also deeply shocked at having an intense religious experience we also have to entertain the fact that it's not real.

Speaker 41 Well, that's a big thing.

Speaker 47 Because what that TV, sorry, I don't know what a television is. What that magic box has

Speaker 47 showed us is our fears, our insecurities.

Speaker 47 Our, you know, how many men have you hurt in the past, you beast?

Speaker 47 Do you know what I mean? So.

Speaker 54 If you knew Roshi's body the way I do,

Speaker 24 I was real.

Speaker 39 Transplant!

Speaker 47 This place is playing mind games.

Speaker 33 I don't know.

Speaker 16 You're inspired regardless of what you take for that message.

Speaker 2 So, Markdown, that you have inspiration that you can use later.

Speaker 58 I'm sort of in a state of shock. I'm not really

Speaker 27 to distract me from the moment.

Speaker 33 He's contouring into his colours.

Speaker 47 You need to find.

Speaker 49 You have pressed four of the six buttons on the box.

Speaker 47 Five.

Speaker 21 Oh, God.

Speaker 48 I'm still processing.

Speaker 17 It's a moonlit night.

Speaker 20 This image.

Speaker 14 Somewhere on a dusty track,

Speaker 3 there's a horse and cart

Speaker 18 stopped on that track.

Speaker 16 And as the image changes, you can see

Speaker 9 yourselves

Speaker 20 sleeping in the back of this cart,

Speaker 13 bundled up together,

Speaker 30 warm,

Speaker 30 cozy under your blankets.

Speaker 57 And then there's movement.

Speaker 7 And you see a man you recognise as old Jed.

Speaker 57 And he opens a jar

Speaker 3 and some spores are released

Speaker 9 from the jar.

Speaker 31 Are we all still tripping on the black guy's car?

Speaker 41 On this fucking store's tripped to spores.

Speaker 14 Dance over your bodies bodies and kind of settle.

Speaker 9 You even see a close image of a spore

Speaker 30 going up Quenrill's nose.

Speaker 40 Explains it all.

Speaker 24 Sleeping.

Speaker 57 Your eyes are flickering under your eyelids as you sleep.

Speaker 8 And then old Jed produces a knife from his cloak.

Speaker 57 And one by one, you watch

Speaker 30 as he slits one throat.

Speaker 13 Then the next,

Speaker 13 then next,

Speaker 30 then the next.

Speaker 17 And the screen goes to black.

Speaker 14 Now, this is a shocking sight for all you because so many people get confronted with an image of their own death or their own murder.

Speaker 8 So I want you to tell me

Speaker 14 how you're going to process this.

Speaker 6 I want you to tell me whether you want to process it intellectually

Speaker 17 or you're going to intellectualise it.

Speaker 14 I want you to tell me if you're going to use

Speaker 29 your own wisdom to try and kind of understand emotionally what's going on here, or use your own charisma, maybe even to kind of talk to yourself and talk yourself down.

Speaker 13 And like you did, just said, Well, this is probably not real, any of this that we're seeing here.

Speaker 3 So you're going to make a saving throw of your choice,

Speaker 15 but I also want to hear you justify that saving throw.

Speaker 32 I don't know if you can use dexterity to combat an existential crisis.

Speaker 24 You're good tickle yourself.

Speaker 28 Wow.

Speaker 55 Well,

Speaker 56 I think

Speaker 48 Hammer makes an intelligent saving throw to try and

Speaker 48 use

Speaker 48 his intellectual abilities to understand that this is symbolic of

Speaker 48 their experience in the dungeon rather than something that actually happened and thus also

Speaker 48 maybe

Speaker 48 says something about the reality of the message he received before.

Speaker 36 Okay, make your seventh row.

Speaker 51 Oh,

Speaker 27 that's

Speaker 56 that's sick.

Speaker 8 You just find yourself as much as you try and intellectualise this, you just feel a horrible sensation in your gut.

Speaker 3 It seems to sap

Speaker 29 energy away from you.

Speaker 3 You just feel devastated within

Speaker 27 you.

Speaker 10 But we'll we'll come to that in a minute.

Speaker 21 Who else wants to?

Speaker 32 I would say my guy's like, well,

Speaker 54 you know,

Speaker 54 I've just got, yeah, something in my stomach, not intelligence, but in terms of just like a gut feeling, you know, constitution.

Speaker 54 It's just something in my constitution says it just don't sit right with me.

Speaker 21 Based on the fact that this is very tenuous.

Speaker 18 To your physical constitution.

Speaker 37 Yeah.

Speaker 33 My gut feeling, this fresh and gut feeling.

Speaker 54 Catching gut.

Speaker 51 Stop your wisdom.

Speaker 14 I'm going to allow it. I'm going to allow it.
Let's allow it.

Speaker 17 Appreciate your cheek.

Speaker 19 God for constitution. Now make a roll.

Speaker 25 It's going to be a low roll after this, innit? After that.

Speaker 25 It's a five.

Speaker 32 A wine plus two is a seven.

Speaker 26 This feeling that you've got in your gut

Speaker 25 seems to develop into a nervousness.

Speaker 3 And you almost feel like you need to evacuate your bowels. You feel

Speaker 29 you're emotionally devastated by this.

Speaker 59 Fucking hell.

Speaker 3 Because it looked so real.

Speaker 29 You've never seen anything

Speaker 21 yourself.

Speaker 47 I'm going to use my charisma and I'm going to talk myself in a...

Speaker 40 I'm an actor.

Speaker 47 Yeah. I'm used to dealing with things that are not real.

Speaker 2 100%.

Speaker 47 And I, you know, that is one dramatic performance I saw in that mirror glass box thing there.

Speaker 47 So I'm just going to convince myself that it's just a play.

Speaker 51 Okay, make a roll, charisma.

Speaker 47 10 plus 5.

Speaker 25 There's just something.

Speaker 25 There's just something about you, and you've had this your whole life.

Speaker 30 Something about you where when you're in moments of kind of trauma and stuff like that, you can almost play and perform your way out.

Speaker 3 You can distract yourself with trivial performance

Speaker 49 stuff.

Speaker 57 And you're doing that, you're leaning on that right now.

Speaker 6 So, you stand strong for the moment, Father Al.

Speaker 31 I feel it looks very realistic because I've often had my throat cut in role play,

Speaker 31 and

Speaker 31 therefore I can't rely on my wisdom, my knowledge, and I can't rely on my charisma because if I told myself not to believe it, I wouldn't believe myself.

Speaker 31 I think I'm very untrustworthy and very low charisma. So, I'm going to have to do what I do with everything and intellectualize it and just tell myself it's not real.

Speaker 19 Okay. Make your throw.

Speaker 31 Six, no, a nine.

Speaker 18 And plus four.

Speaker 31 Thirteen.

Speaker 7 As much as you try and intellectualise this,

Speaker 21 probably just the

Speaker 21 crumbled in front of a TV.

Speaker 21 The nature of what you've seen, particularly as much as you try and intellectualise, right, maybe this isn't real.

Speaker 15 Maybe this and

Speaker 17 having seen your former lovers there

Speaker 57 understanding where their heartbreak comes from.

Speaker 8 All of this just feels too real for you to intellectualise your way out of.

Speaker 14 So user all going to have a wee bit of the kind of these are a wee bit emotionally exhausted now at this point, which means the ability checks are going to have disadvantage.

Speaker 25 You're good to go.

Speaker 8 You've managed to bullshit your way through it as you've bullshit your way through many things.

Speaker 47 Mentalise everything. Great.

Speaker 30 You have pressed five buttons on this box.

Speaker 48 We all plead with you not to press the last button.

Speaker 47 You've got to face your fears.

Speaker 8 Six.

Speaker 58 I'm sitting there sort of crying in a corner.

Speaker 24 You're pressing it, you're pressing it.

Speaker 22 You're pressing it.

Speaker 47 Because I'm like, it's not real. Six.

Speaker 3 The minute you press it, the room outside the box

Speaker 12 just turns to stone.

Speaker 30 Just an empty stone chamber with nothing in it.

Speaker 51 All is gone.

Speaker 21 See?

Speaker 47 It's just everything

Speaker 27 is

Speaker 27 magic.

Speaker 31 Let's hit that lever again.

Speaker 42 Let's just get the fuck out.

Speaker 54 Let's see the rest of the charge.

Speaker 59 How's your snake peeling?

Speaker 52 Snake's point.

Speaker 24 Snake's point.

Speaker 22 You pull the lever and

Speaker 3 the lift rises

Speaker 3 back up to the room you were in before.

Speaker 20 And when it stops,

Speaker 17 the light starts to fade within the room.

Speaker 51 You can hear the power of the box

Speaker 3 die.

Speaker 13 And you're back.

Speaker 21 You have to use your fucking magic box and that.

Speaker 59 I think it's rope time.

Speaker 41 Rope time for all of us.

Speaker 54 I don't mean suicide.

Speaker 18 So you're coming out of the box.

Speaker 47 I mean, we have to come out of the box.

Speaker 7 I mean, the room ahead of you is just this like empty.

Speaker 8 You're inside the box, and it's again, it's just a door to the north.

Speaker 17 It's in the one into the east where the skeletons were.

Speaker 43 So you're coming out of the box.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 1 The minute you step out of the box, you hear, Welcome to the Grand Skeleton Fight Room.

Speaker 22 Please enjoy your battle with the skeletons.

Speaker 28 I hate this guy.

Speaker 24 Wow. What?

Speaker 21 Here's more skeletons now.

Speaker 54 If you check a skeleton room,

Speaker 24 I think it's just

Speaker 31 a regular announcement.

Speaker 24 This programme.

Speaker 47 It just triggers my vibe.

Speaker 54 Could I take a peek in the skeleton room and see if I could speak to him this time?

Speaker 19 You take a peek into the skeleton room and it's just as you left it when

Speaker 19 you finished your sleep.

Speaker 24 Sorry about it last time.

Speaker 42 Sorry about it, mates.

Speaker 32 And then let's head into the chimney room, I'm calling it. Or the genie's whale, I suppose for the the genie's well.

Speaker 49 So again,

Speaker 3 you crunch across the coins that are all landing in the foot, landed on the floor of this space, and you come again to that vertical shaft that leads up.

Speaker 21 Can I try something?

Speaker 21 Might seem a little bit

Speaker 44 strange.

Speaker 45 No, here we go.

Speaker 54 I wish I was at the top of this well.

Speaker 31 You just need to drop a coin.

Speaker 22 Oh, fuck. Has anybody got a coin?

Speaker 37 You must have a coin. Oh no, well yeah I suppose, yeah.

Speaker 35 So much rat.

Speaker 26 Got quite a lot of money actually from a burglar in the background.

Speaker 54 I've got coins. I wish I was at the top of this genie as well.

Speaker 26 Are you just holding the coin? Yeah.

Speaker 41 Throw it!

Speaker 59 I'll flip it like two-face.

Speaker 17 It lands

Speaker 8 on the floor below you

Speaker 15 and nothing else happens.

Speaker 27 Oh damn it.

Speaker 24 Right.

Speaker 19 Right, okay, so you make the command to send your rope up.

Speaker 27 Yeah.

Speaker 49 So the rope goes up 30 feet, turns the corner.

Speaker 2 Studdy, it's holding its position.

Speaker 29 Yeah.

Speaker 8 Nice and stubby up there.

Speaker 14 Alright.

Speaker 2 You want to coil it into knots or anything just to make it easier?

Speaker 54 To help the less agile members of the party.

Speaker 27 Okay.

Speaker 33 So let's...

Speaker 21 I'll carry my snake around my shoulders like a scarf.

Speaker 14 If we're all going to climb this, if we're all going to climb this, then we're going to have dexterity checks for everybody as we go up.

Speaker 22 Who's going up first?

Speaker 21 Fuck it, infra penny in for everybody.

Speaker 47 Do anybody want to do a warm-up before we go up?

Speaker 27 Or?

Speaker 51 I'm feeling too emotionally exhausted, but

Speaker 51 I'm warm up.

Speaker 32 That's an eight plus three. That's

Speaker 18 eleven. Roll again.

Speaker 28 Twelve plus three.

Speaker 21 You're up.

Speaker 27 I'm up.

Speaker 3 You clamber yourself up, you get up to the top.

Speaker 13 Wait till everybody's up and tell you what you see.

Speaker 18 May you roll.

Speaker 47 Ah, nine plus four.

Speaker 21 You pull yourself up quite gracefully.

Speaker 7 You put in a hand helper up of me.

Speaker 44 Yeah, okay.

Speaker 24 He's a team now, you're a team now.

Speaker 36 Father always gone for it.

Speaker 31 Five plus one, six.

Speaker 27 I mean,

Speaker 17 well, even at disadvantages, you're not going to get okay, five plus one, six.

Speaker 19 You start to climb up, you start to climb up, but feel yourself slipping, you're just only quite dexterous enough to get yourself up there. take one d4 damage fallen damage

Speaker 22 hammer want to climb

Speaker 27 that fall

Speaker 7 crashes into the coins i'm going to

Speaker 49 can you roll d4 fallen damage for the snake as well

Speaker 27 two okay

Speaker 22 snake snake gets a bit of a squash on its tail well if you just hang on now once we get up we can just pull you you up.

Speaker 21 Just pull me up.

Speaker 41 Are you?

Speaker 26 Are you climbing?

Speaker 22 Yeah, I'll climb.

Speaker 48 No chance I can make this an athletics check rather than a single thing.

Speaker 27 Yeah, go for it. Alright, go for it.

Speaker 21 Well, that's quite powerful.

Speaker 32 That's a win there.

Speaker 58 It's a critical for you.

Speaker 27 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 11 So

Speaker 11 you're climbing up and you're almost right up to the top, right?

Speaker 29 And you just, yeah, you know, you're just, you've been very shaken by what's been happening really.

Speaker 36 You've also been spewing, you've had a rough goal.

Speaker 2 and you just feel almost like a bit of weakness coming into your body, and you slip and you fall, and you've fallen almost near the top of the rope.

Speaker 19 Roll 1d6, take 1d6, fallen damage.

Speaker 55 Two.

Speaker 19 You're a sturdy boy, though, you've got your chain mailing, you land, doing it.

Speaker 41 You're gonna make it work.

Speaker 18 Doing it on the coils below, take two,

Speaker 19 take two damage. So, you two are both on the bottom.
You go on again?

Speaker 31 I might just send my snake on the rest of the mission.

Speaker 28 Could the snake go up and pull you?

Speaker 22 Well, we could

Speaker 24 do you, you know.

Speaker 26 My pussy's got there and pulling thus.

Speaker 32 I mean, who's I'm not that strong? Are you very strong?

Speaker 47 Um, my strris, my str- No, I'm not.

Speaker 33 No, no, if you get up, you'll pull me up.

Speaker 27 Yeah, I'm sorry. You got to be strong.

Speaker 18 You've got to get up to the thing.

Speaker 56 Slight bit of embarrassment if I fail again.

Speaker 19 I mean, it was really because you rolled a one.

Speaker 25 You'll get up, you'll get up.

Speaker 48 Right, so. Seven buttons left.

Speaker 13 Five, yeah, so yeah, that will get you up.

Speaker 37 So, although let's you're at disadvantage still, so let's roll just to make sure we're going to get

Speaker 27 right.

Speaker 2 Okay, so this time, determined

Speaker 21 you pull yourself up right up to the top.

Speaker 14 You're gonna

Speaker 21 do a strength check then to pull you up.

Speaker 48 Uh, that's eleven,

Speaker 19 yeah. I'm gonna allow it.

Speaker 51 You can assist as well.

Speaker 22 You can assist as well.

Speaker 21 So you pull.

Speaker 27 Thank you.

Speaker 32 It's like when a guy gets rescued or come out and something is just spinning about.

Speaker 46 But it's very grateful.

Speaker 18 Now that you are ascended, you can see a sign on the wall that says wishing well, all wishes considered.

Speaker 3 And the corridor leads ahead to a single door set in the wall.

Speaker 43 And this door looks as if it's made of metal, slightly more elaborate and ornate at the end of this corridor.

Speaker 13 And I think actually this might be a good time to pause our session as we reach the exciting climax.

Speaker 27 Oh my god,

Speaker 32 macaroni and cheese, here we come.

Speaker 48 Yeah, I'm always talking about not getting macaroni,

Speaker 56 but

Speaker 36 I feel like you've made much more progress in that session.

Speaker 28 That was a good one.

Speaker 31 We've got a snake now.

Speaker 5 Thank you for listening to the sixth episode of Here Comes the Mighty Helm of Balathor with Frankie Boyle, Christopher MacArthur Boyd, Louise Stewart, Frankie's son Thor and Dungeon Master Rav Florence.

Speaker 5 This episode was recorded at Sloan's Bar in Glasgow, produced by myself, Andy Log, and the music created by Michael Cameron and Michael Bell from the band Park Safe.

Speaker 5 Tune in next week for the seventh part of Here Comes the Mighty Hill of Balathor to find out what happened when the gang entered that quarry.

Speaker 53 You can get all the episodes of Here Comes the Guillotine on Global Player right now.

Speaker 53 Search for Global Player on your app store or go to globalplayer.com.

Speaker 4 This is a Global Player original podcast.