The Sachet Dilemma

Here Comes the Guillotine contains offensive language, mature content, and adult themes.

It is not suitable for a younger audience.

This is a Global Player Original Podcast.

Hello, and welcome to Here Comes the Guillotine.

I'm Frankie Boyle, and I'm going to be talking to Christopher MacArthur Boyd.

Welcome to the Mailbag.

This is 105.6 Mailbag FM with Chris McGarthy Boyd and Frankie Boyle.

Welcome aboard.

Welcome aboard the SS Mailbag.

We are responding to mailbag stuff this week.

Okay, this one comes from Adam from Yorkshire, living in France.

A Yorkshireman in France.

Three part mini-series on ITV

this autumn.

You bought a what?

Chocolate for breakfast?

You're having a laugh.

That would be

in the trailer.

Okay, dear guillotine crew.

Longtime listener who loves the band, huh?

Especially the guys, video game, and Lord of the Rings side rentings.

Very much looking forward to the spin-off pod.

Here comes the mighty winged helm of Balathor.

They've added winged.

Yeah.

We've not found the helm yet, but it's not necessarily winged.

No, I said that.

Is there no winged?

It's just here comes the mighty helm of Balathor.

Alright, okay.

You've got to think about meter.

Yes.

No, yeah, you're quite right.

Very much looking forward to the spin-off pod.

The pod regularly keeps me amused on long drives.

I always make sure to save up a few when I have a journey coming up.

What's your advice on dealing with a sister-in-law?

This is taking a second turn

who, whenever she comes to visit, likes to berate me about casual swearing and conversation.

I'm very comfortable with casual swearing and I feel it adds appropriate expression to many conversations.

She comes out with statements like, My grandma would have found your language uncouth.

Otherwise, enjoy her company, but how should I go about getting her to chill the fuck out?

Yours truly, Adam from Yorkshire Love and and Friends.

Well, I find it hard to sympathise there because

swearing, like we all use different registers at different times for when it's appropriate.

Code switching.

I've noticed, you know, that thing

we notice we guys

sit we guys in my life now as a parent.

We guys kind of get a bit more Glasgow and a bit more kind of glottal when they're talking to other guys or when they feel pressured or whatever to you know

they get a wee bit more kind of working class and a wee bit more Scottish.

And then you think that's everybody all the time with every accent.

Do you know what I mean?

I was on Radio 4 last week and I was really trilling away.

Do you know what I mean?

Partly because I need to make myself understood.

Partly because I need to deliver sentences in the idiom and meter expected by a radio 4 audience and all that kind of stuff.

So the problem with this is

sometimes we don't know what register would be appropriate.

Your sister-in-law, whoever you get on with her and every other way, is telling you what register she would find appropriate.

So, why don't you just use that?

Well, you feel a compulsive need

to swear at this uncomfortable woman.

That seems like

not coming from a great place.

Do you think she's French?

Because she said uncouth and it sounds like a kind of thing you meant to learn in English

uncouth

with because he's in Paris.

He's a Yachman living in France, but he's got a sister-in-law so

she's married his brother or potentially she is in a gay relationship with his sister.

Yes.

But she's certainly attached to one of his siblings.

I mean, I would just not swear.

What are you not capable of not swearing i it's something like

maybe but you know i'll i'll swear sometimes on stage as a stand-up a scottish stand-up comedian which i don't think is too controversial but then sometimes i'll listen back and i'll go that was too much swearing yeah do you know what i mean

and i really think that swearing can be a bit of a garnish Do you know what I mean?

It can be a light like those Edamame beans that you just watched me eat.

You chose to have a spiced garnish.

There were two options, Edamame-wise,

at the Nippon kitchen.

I went for the salted.

Yeah.

It was very much like a kind of fairy tale.

Two princes.

And we chose differently.

The princess and the pea.

No.

You seem to rush off to the toilet after your spiced edamame beans.

I had that and it's I'm dealing with some gastrointestinal issues, I think.

And maybe spite.

So there were two options.

It was the classic salt.

or

you could have the what they called siven spice, but which is more accurately or more authentically named, I think it's called

Togarashi.

And I had I w I opted for the togarashi, which is a kind of blend of chilies and

orange peel and some sesame seeds and some seaweed.

And it absolutely, you know, a wee bit of it would have been incredible.

but it was so much.

And I think that swearing can be a bit like that.

You know, hard to digest and ultimately ruining a meal.

Sometimes you can just stop yourself in the middle of your act and say, I'm sorry that was like an incorrectly spiced Edamame bean.

And the audience will accept that and you can forge a new path.

But it feels natural when you're doing it.

But I think if this guy started recording his conversations, surreptitiously recording his conversations with his sister-in-law and then listening back to them.

That's what I would recommend doing, is becoming a kind of

tradecraft spy.

I just, why are you doing something that someone who's told you they're not comfortable with?

It is still, I think he's written to us, thinking we'll go, tell her to get the fuck, tell her to ram it up a shot pipe.

Yeah.

And you're knocking on the wrong door, my friend.

Yeah, I mean, we're all about civility and social codes, and that's pod.

Yeah.

And

I just think, you know, part of life is trying to work out what the other people want and expect from you.

And sometimes, you know, someone else, you know, somebody said to me this way, oh, something you said to me years ago offended me.

And I wanted to say, and did start out saying, I didn't mean to offend you.

But then actually, I couldn't really remember saying it.

And I realised that was a defensive reaction.

And who am I to say that you shouldn't have been offended by what I said?

And

then I said, well, I'm sorry because,

you know, I don't think I would have meant to offend you or I would have meant that in a bad way, but I actually can't remember it.

So who knows what the intent was.

Sometimes I think you've

people like people to be honest with them, and she has actually decided to be honest with you.

And

you're rejecting that.

You're rejecting something that most of us look for.

I remember being at the Edinburgh Fringe when I was maybe 23.

I was

doing

a two-hander

with a lovely guy, privately educated, dude,

president of the Cambridge Footlights,

real, you know, that type of dude.

And I was talking to him, and then my pal Joseph Goss,

who is like, he was a stand-up comedian

who grew up in Clyde Bank.

He cut, he came along, I started talking to him, the way I would normally talk to him.

And the posh dude was like,

What the fuck happened there?

You just like completely changed.

And I was like, oh, I wouldn't even notice.

But that's just how

communication works, isn't it?

It's just how social class works.

It's just code switching.

You just have to speak to different people differently.

And I think you're right.

I think we've answered that.

Yeah.

Well and humanely.

Adam,

instead of getting her to chill the fuck out maybe you

stop being a cunt

Okay, sorry Adam if that's not what you wanted but we're not

We just want to make your life better brother.

Hi just wondering what your opinion is on Scottish bands like Biffy Clyro

but also Scottish metal bands such as Aelstorm who are doing great with Scottish pirate metal.

I once met a guy from Biffy Clyro in a pub in Dublin.

Oh, yeah.

And it was like lunchtime.

And I was like, What are you doing here?

And he was like, What do you mean?

What do you mean?

What are you doing?

He came up and said, Hello.

It was like some random, completely empty pub at like noon in Dublin.

He was like, Oh, we're doing interviews in here.

And I said, Well, I'm going to have a chat.

And then he went off and he left his schedule, and their schedule was like absolutely horrifically punishing.

It was like

8 a.m., fly out from London, go to this record store in Dublin, do this thing, do this meeting, do all these interviews, do this bit, do go and record this thing for I've radio.

And every kind of half hour of their day was kind of regimented into this thing.

And I really felt sorry for these young guys, you know what I mean?

Because I was like, you're on this treadmill.

I mean, hopefully, I guess you work on that for a bit and you get off it.

Yeah.

Do you know what I mean?

Well, they really had that moment where they'd done that.

So I was like, if we collide, we come together.

and if we don't we'll always be apart and that was like the big kind of ballad pop song that was huge and then the guy for fucking pop idol or x factor or something covered a kind of more mum friendly version of it and I'm sure they got royalties for that and stuff and but they started as a kind of prog metal band and then they became this more kind of it happens a lot of bands they're kind of outside their music and then they get a bit of a buzz and they go we could parlay this and then maybe some mainstream success and I think you know I think now they're probably hitting the schedule a bit less hard, but they just hit that couple of years where they just let's put the pedal to the metal here.

But yeah, you look at the schedules for bands like that, and you're just like, that's unsustainable.

Yeah, yeah, that's like running for president, really, yeah, that type of fucking schedule.

I'm gonna be the president of

pomp rock,

they're nice.

I mean, uh, who's the other band?

They're called Ailstorm.

Ailstorm?

They sound like someone I have to find in a game.

Do you know what I mean?

They'll tell me about

how to get into the fields of the Nephilim.

Yeah.

Without

the hand of glory.

It's kind of like that.

It's a pot of pirate metal.

So they kind of dress up like pirates and do kind of sea shanty-inspired

power metal.

So like Iron Maiden, but a bit more yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum.

Well, I can't think of anything that sounds less inspiring than power metal sea shanties.

They've been gone since I was a wee guy.

Remember, it was that sea shanty thing?

It was a thing on social media.

I managed to never ever see one.

But I was really like, fucking England, man.

Yeah.

That was really like,

you know, COVID done a number on everybody.

But that was one of those things where it was like, guys.

I know we're in the house, but come on.

Didn't a family come out of it?

So I've seen this family and they do kind of centrist calypso's and shanties and stuff like that you talk about the family could be the family they're like a bunch of white middle class people singing a kind of topical calypso about kamala harris or something like that and you can see the order in which the children are becoming disillusioned

and like yeah the incipient horrors that's not the family i think it's a different family family are just people who just it's like a dad and two sons and they dance well that's way worse yeah it's really bad it's not even like trying be something, but they're massive.

They could probably

kill anybody that wanted to.

Yeah.

No, I've only ever heard the Biffu Clyron.

It's literally because I physically ran into one.

Yeah, I've seen them.

I was kind of, I was a bit a wank when I was younger, I suppose.

And I was kind of against them, just to the principle of like, use a fucking sold out.

There's a lot of people who'll hate this band nowadays.

Yeah, but that's not true.

You know, everybody's just expressing themselves.

and

they're great you know great musicians and they seem like nice guys the lead singer's brother is like a really great artist

who's he's like a like a painter

in ursia what's that guy's name again me and rosco used to do like uh shows in ursia in this hotel like function room to like 25 people and his brother would come along because the brother loved roscoe he thought i was okay but he was a big rosco fan um

and yeah he was a really sweet guy

Miffy Clyro, Ailstrom.

Scottish bands like Miffy Clyro.

I don't know.

I think it's good to support.

That's why I hang out.

I think it's easy with the homogenisation of pop music and stuff.

It's easy to just listen to the same

shite as everybody else.

But it's good to keep things local and support local artists.

Enjoy a bit of Calamista.

I know I've given him a shout out in the pods.

Was that the guy we saw?

Aye.

Yeah, he was good.

I still feel the way I felt, which is that he shouldn't be called Calamiste.

Why?

Well, his music was kind of like krautish

pop.

There is a kind of what a club in there, isn't there?

Like a kind of

a lot of a kind of a club.

It's like one man, the guy having a breakdown, basically, at the Bill Substantian thing.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It was awesome.

But it was like, oh, hello, hello.

Oh, hello, hello.

He had a lot of thing like when he spoke in his actual voice, that thing some people have where they're so Edinburgh, like working class, they sound Mexican.

Hey.

That's right, man.

That's right, man.

Federale's man, hey.

But there's a comment.

He's got a lot of great records.

Check him out.

No, he's shit hot, but it's just like, man, if you're doing, like,

freaky

outside, they'll call yourself Carlom East.

I hear that.

I'm like, oh, you'll be sitting on acoustic guitar going, and my brother came over and my mother was there.

And you're like, oh, for fuck's sake, you know, call yourself Captain

Captain Fuck Disaster or something if you're gonna make great music.

I was like, well,

that's what I'm coming out, guys.

That's your advice to this great artist.

Change your name to Captain Fuck Designer.

Call yourself something a bit jazzier, you know, but showbiz.

He's a kind of polymath, isn't he?

He's great.

He seems absorbed in his music and probably

trivial concerns like

what kind of name you think he should have probably don't even impinge on him.

I hear the name Callum, and I think that'll be like a Scottish folk or an Irish folk singer.

Do you know what I mean?

This will be religious.

I mean, play devil's advocate here, right?

Yeah, sure.

What does it matter what you think or what your expectations are?

Because I'll tell you why, you know, that thing that often gets me when there's reviews at the festival, and I've had a few friends stung by this, where people go, I expected this to be more like, and often it's something completely unconnected.

So my friend did one one time going, I thought this would be more of a kind of like

Dave Gorman-ish examination of, and there's nothing in the guy's name or title that suggested this.

And he was quite rightly like, Well,

that's not what it is.

It's not, I can't really control what your expectations are.

Well, yeah, and Kill him Easter.

Do you know what I mean?

He kind of thinks there's guys out there projecting all kinds of fantasies onto these two words.

But, yes, but the label of you know, labels matter, and when you're making stuff, uh, like

trying to think an example, but like at the fringe, it's like a lot of times when you're being reviewed, it kind of feels like

not to moan about getting reviews because I'm sure it's very difficult to relate to.

But a lot of times, the arts criticism is like, how much does the finished product bear relation to the press release that I read before I went to see it?

Like, how much does this fit the blurb?

Even though the blurb was written before the show was written, and the press release was written months before the show was written.

So you go, maybe I'll be with this.

Then you write it, it's completely different.

And people go, well, he didn't speak about the stuff he said he was going to speak about.

Well, well, well, okay, I accept on this, but let's look at it from another angle.

Yeah, should people be taking branding advice from a guy whose name Disney fit on the fucking poster?

I maybe

can

serve as an example, I can serve as a warning.

That's how I've approached parenthood, yes, that's how I've approached the naming conventions of performers.

Because, I mean, Chris MacArthur Boyd, Christopher MacArthur Boyd.

I know that people are reading here and that and going, this guy's a wank.

Rightly or wrongly.

But like

definitely like I

just think I think people would be more interested in what he's doing if he put a jazzier name on it.

That's what I'm saying.

And after because I was I wouldn't go see somebody called Kalamista.

Because I'd be like, I don't want to see like a one-man with acoustic guitar.

Then I went to see him.

He was an incredible artist making really unusual art.

And maybe that's what he likes.

He likes it.

It's a misnomer, isn't it?

That's what, you know, unintentionally

wrong name.

Because somebody wanted to twist some of his nips a wee bit.

Maybe my nips were twisted, Callum, huh?

If you're listening,

you Mexican

certainly isn't listening.

He might be.

If the fucking, yeah, you never know.

Someone goes, they're talking about that podcast again.

Again?

How?

he'd be like, who's talking about me?

And he'll hear your name, and he'll be like, what?

I'm not fucking listening to that.

Yeah, if you could give yourself a stage name.

It sort of sounds like a stage name.

It sounds like a punk.

And once got Frankie Boyle?

Yeah, written in the list is Frankie Boyle, B-O-I-L, like a

punk front man.

And I was like, Frankie Boyle.

Pop me if you dare.

I'm a human punk.

It doesn't be me, yeah.

I would go, because in wrestling, there was Sean Michaels, and his real name was Michael Sean Higginbottom.

They changed it to Sean Michaels for obvious reasons.

Then there was Christopher Daniels, the fallen angel, and his real name was Daniel somehow from Christopher.

And I thought I could do that.

I could be like Boyd MacArthur.

Well, now you send like you're fucking writing novels sitting there.

Colonial Nigeria and stuff like that.

Boyd MacArthur.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Another fascinating social satire.

From Boyd MacArthur.

I have four different interlocking narratives of an art critic.

Maybe that's more who I should be.

An AI that's pretending to be Command McCarthy.

It's Boyd McCarthy.

But I can't wait till I'm singing.

Callum Fuck Disaster.

Jesus.

Frankie Boyle spelt B-O-I.

With an I.

I can't wait till I write kind of like

fantasy novels when we'll do.

And I can be CNM Boyd.

Or CN MacArthur Boyd.

CN MacArthur Boyd.

That has a heft to it

that Christopher doesn't have.

You can see why J.K.

Rowland chose to, you know,

get the initials instead of Joanne.

It's because she's been Jokerified.

What?

It's like Joker.

JKR.

she's trying to hint that she's mentally the child joker fate joker joker forication she has been jokerified exactly yeah

she predicted it she predicted the jokerification with her own name wow

um did you see joker too no

folly i'll do yeah it's pretty bad but pretty funny and a real slap in the face to everyone that liked the joker which i didn't um so i quite enjoyed it what happens in it the joker's just just in jail.

He's sort of not really the Joker.

He's just like a very mentally ill guy.

He meets Lady Gaga.

Is it a lady?

They sing, but like in really quiet ways.

There's no dancing.

They just kind of sing softly down a phone, like kind of old standards.

And then the guy stabs me to death.

A guy stabs the Joker to death.

He dies at the end of it.

Yeah.

It's an absolute boot in the balls if you like the Joker.

I thought this was the start or something.

No.

But then the guy cuts his own face up, so it's like that guy's maybe the Joker or something.

But it's just like, like Blind Boy said when I was doing a podcast, he's just like, you want to make a film about Male Loneliness, but for some reason, it's got to be set in the Batman universe,

you know, or the penguin, they did an Italian crime thing, but for some reason, he's like Oswald Cobblepot.

Yeah.

It's like, what's going on?

Penguin shape.

Did you see that other thing he did to Colin Farrell where he's like sugar?

He's like sugar?

No, it's called sugar.

Oh.

I think it's called sugar.

What's about?

It's like Colin Farrell's a private eye, right?

And he's cutting about and he's got a kinda agent, he's got a coolie cart, and he's a sort of Philip Marlowe type guy.

And he's been got a case of like someone's disappeared type, pretty standard Chandler stuff, but in the modern day.

And he's got this kind of intermediary, and you realise she's kind of linked to a bunch of other kind of people and they all kind of meet up, and it's almost like they're a kind of Illuminati gathering or something.

There's like geographers, and there's

you know, all kinds of people in different walks of life.

You know, it's this, but that kind of disappears for a wee bit.

And then he gets shot calling Farrell, and he has to get this special blood.

And then he's in the bathroom.

This is honestly, it's five episodes into a six-episode thing.

And the special blood shows up.

He gets his special blood, he's got to inject this himself, and he's like a wee blue alien.

And all the people are kind of aliens that are kind of

you know

embedded in our culture and uh the murders have been done by one of the aliens who's just like gotten kind of colonel cuts and he's just like it's his cowl you know he's been like human but he's like i just love this shit man i'm just loving it and um

yeah it's like an absolutely wild end yeah is there hints that there's going to be blue guys showing up something's amiss that's all you know which is sort of as it should be and a mystery And a mystery.

Do you know what I mean?

They're always going, how do we keep the audience on board for this?

You're supposed to be off board.

They're supposed to just go, why is that guy there?

That doesn't make sense.

And then when you reveal it, they go, oh, alright.

So you do go, all right, but you also go,

what the fuck?

And wow, spoilers for sugar.

What's this on?

I guess Apple.

It feels like a hallucination.

I know, like, it's genuinely.

That's what you want into it when you watch it.

You want to go, did I fucking begin?

It's filmed well.

It's edited well.

It's got a nice flow to it.

The performances are good.

And if you can handle it, there's a really big, weird twist.

Jumbumbo.

Obviously, I've ruined it for you now.

Yeah.

Did you know about the before you watched it, or did you just go,

what the fuck?

Do you want to know the weird thing?

I guessed.

What do you mean?

I guessed it was going to be an alien.

I was just like, this is so fucked, and there's no other explanation for it.

Most people

that have to be aliens, right?

Oh.

Well, they go.

Just wondering what your opinion is on Scottish bands, like maybe Clyde and Pirate Metal.

Uh, Pirate Metal is quite popular because, like, you go to a Metal Festival and, you know, um, heavy metal.

It's one of these things where all the big acts, like, you s you I just had Ozzy Orsborn's last gig in the lineup was like um

Metallica, Mastodon,

Megadeth, Anthrax, all these bands that were big in the 80s and 90s,

which is f quite a long time ago now, it's like 40 years ago.

And they were 20 when they started.

So these guys are all 60 now.

And

there's not a lot of new stuff.

So bands break up or something.

So you put in a band like Aelstorm or something.

And it's just like a fun thing.

You go, oh yeah, I've seen those pirate guys at that festival.

It's just something different.

I hope they steal other people's amps and whatnot.

Do you know know what I mean?

They stop fucking Megadeth's van and steal other shit.

You got actual pirates.

Yeah.

It'd be funny if they got really, because Metallica got really pissy and naughties about people pirating their music, but you couldn't really get upset about people pirating your music if you were.

They've painted themselves into a corner,

exactly.

Anti-piracy pirate band.

A frowning, sculling crossbones.

Yeah.

A self-maybe the self-hating.

Yeah.

well, that's that dealt with.

Yeah,

what was your opinion of Scottish bands?

We've done a musical mailbag

and it was good.

That's another good one.

I don't know anything about Scottish bands or bands, except as I've said before, kind of,

I guess, homosexual-oriented brain rot.

Yeah, I was at the stand last night, and someone was on stage talking about music.

And

I think they were playing The Associates.

Oh, wow!

Yeah, cool.

As a kind of exploration of Scottish music and like sexuality and stuff, it was pretty great.

And gender identity, I guess.

I guess, like, if he was a theme, yeah.

Nowadays, he might have

found things more comfortable.

He might have found a niche he could have

found himself in.

I don't know.

Sad.

Yeah.

What did he kill himself?

Oh, okay.

I don't know.

Well, there you go.

That's my opinion on Scottish bands.

Hi, guys.

Loving the pod as always.

Thank you so much.

Quick question for Christopher that I know he can't answer, but will no doubt ponder over anyways.

With the Superman movie fast approaching and me making the questionable choice to re-watch The Flash, it's still shite.

I'm left wondering,

brace yourself, Susie.

I'm sorry in advance.

Susie's not here, so you're fine.

If Supergirl can destroy a statue by spitting at it, is that something that happens?

I don't know, but I'm going to take it.

Did you see The Flash?

No.

No, I didn't see it.

Apparently, there was a whole bit where it's a multiverse thing, and Nicholas Cage is Superman's in it and stuff.

Do you know what I thought about it?

It was like

there's a kind of app that Romesh Ranganathan showed me one time.

It's like where people put up their kind of demos.

So it's almost like mixtape type stuff, but they put up early versions of tracks and stuff like that in hip-hop.

It's really, really good.

You can always find stuff on there.

And I was sort of going, oh, how come like this stuff we actually hear is so shit?

And he's like, well, that's because it's before industry,

you know, people get to it and tone it down and market it and give shit notes.

And so, this is the kind of uncut gems kind of thing.

And I think Grant Morrison and Ezra Miller maybe wrote a script together for the flash that was supposed to be brilliant.

That was a big time travel thing.

And then I think almost as a reaction, they made that flash as mundane as possible.

Because I think almost seeing a good thing kind of

terrifies everyone so much that they go, oh,

let's just get through this.

so i never actually went to watch watch that one i just i've kinda i s i

my girlfriend's never seen an mcu thing last night and i was on the phone i was like please if if any she was asking me about superheroes and stuff and i was i can talk for scotland about you know this topic but like i'm i'm like a shameful regretful

comics fan because it's became so

dominant in culture and i don't you know i just i want

I don't want to go see superhero films anymore.

I'm kind of done with them.

I think some people, a lot of people feel like that, maybe.

But she was like, So, who's Captain America?

And I was like, Oh, he was like, you know, who's Superman?

I was explaining, like, where they came from, and one of them was propaganda, and one of them was by, you know, Jewish creatives, but talking about the American immigrant experience and stuff, the American dream.

Um,

so yeah,

but I was just like, please, if this is giving you the ick, please stop asking me about comic book stuff because I will speak at an expert level about it, but I don't want to.

We think we're at an expert level until you meet a fucking real geek.

Oh, sure.

But they've wasted their life.

Yeah.

I've wasted my life, but they've really wasted their life.

Did you see the second Wonder Woman film?

I think that's one of the worst things ever made.

I didn't see the same thing.

What was it called?

Her and Chris Pratt

were cutting about.

In the 80s, 1984 yeah it wasn't called 1984 wasn't it it was in the 80s yeah and it was just i mean me but then those movies do seem to reach in a deer every so often like the new fantastic four one looks like ai wes anderson i think it'll be good what the fuck are you talking about it'll be good it's got the guy for the bed it's got they don't get any pascal but also it's just not made by the people who care about those things the people who care about those things are writing great comics yeah do do you know what i mean and they're never allowed near the movie scripts which there was a there was a screenshot of it and it was uh the human torch putting the fingers up behind uh mr fantastic's head as a kind of picture and then an artist went this is a frame for my comic book and he posted it was exactly the same and they do that a lot oh yeah they get oh absolutely you know they they they they use it as a kind of storyboard and they don't pay anybody yeah it's disgraceful it's a bit like you went to a michelin star restaurant right and they've got some wonderful, you know, cocoa van or something like that, right?

And then you go,

so that's the comic book version.

That's Grand Morrison or Alan Moore or fucking whoever, right?

And then you go, how do I make that as a sachet of sauce that you could have in a McDonald's?

And that's what the fucking movie version is.

Sure.

But the sachets are the dominant.

your cultural trend.

Everybody's eating sachets.

And nobody eats children are eating sachets.

Their mums and dads are eating sishes.

The restaurant industry is on its knees.

People are just ripping open wee plastic sashes and

they're naked when they do it for some reason.

And they're just publicly,

flaccidly

sucking on these little vinaigrette sishes.

And it's like, hey, let's get the restaurants back open.

Nobody cares.

Nobody wants to eat a restaurant.

Everybody wants to humiliate themselves.

Including me.

Anyway,

a supergarro can destroy a statue by spitting at it.

Why doesn't Superman's come fire Lois Lane's naked body into next door's living room at high speed?

Do you think James Gunn will address this in this new movie?

Anyways, keep it the cracking job, Stevie.

P.S.

Related note: With Fantastic Four coming out soon after.

Do you think Ben Grimm's spunk is tiny rocks or mud?

Lot going on in this guy.

Or not enough going on in this guy's imagination, really.

Hey, Paul Call Nikao Black.

A lot of come chat there, brother.

I think Superman has ultimate control.

That's the thing.

He controls his laser vision because he could probably wipe out half the planet, cut the fucking earth in halfway his fucking

heat vision, right?

And his whole thing is

control.

So he doesn't need to fucking come inside Lois Lane.

If that's even how Kryptonians have sex.

And if you had that level, yeah, it's true.

It could be some.

It was more like a fish or something.

The way fish kind of just

fart eggs onto the seabed and then the fish jack off.

I think that's too much of a leap.

That would be.

That would be

what's he called?

The fucking Merman guy that's always trying to get away from the music.

No, not Aquaman.

Namor.

Namor, the guy who's always trying to pump the invisible girl.

That was a you know, listen.

I know I just said I'm fed up with these sashi films, but I liked in Black Panther

Wakanda Forever when Namor

was like retconned to be an Aztec,

and because he had conquistadors colonializing him, his name was Namor, as in Nay Moor, Nay Love.

You could be a Scottish guy, Namor.

Name Or, please.

I can't take any more conquistadors.

Let's get Calam Easter in as a kind of Mexican East Coaster.

I hated the Black Panther thing just because they literally had to get the CIA in as the good guys.

Let's get a good CIA guy.

Fuck off.

Fucking Black Panther.

The fucking very people that assassinated the fucking Black Panthers.

Yeah.

Fuck you.

Well, it's really the FBI.

But the point still stands.

I think they also read Richards killed his wife.

Do you know what I mean?

Can't say, oh, she's invisible.

You're not here anymore.

You can't see her.

Don't worry.

Don't worry.

She's about.

Fuck you.

Why do you think he's always turning evil and stuff?

Is it because he's so smart or is it because there's something about being flexible, not really having a spine?

It's cause he's called himself Mr.

Fantastic.

It's a red flag.

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah.

Maybe that's why Calamista is uncomfortable calling himself the fantastic fucker or whatever I said that he's called himself.

But here's the thing with Mr.

Fantastic.

It's actually way worse than people think.

So a lot of people say that they'll go.

He calls calls himself Mr.

Fantastic, right?

But he's got,

canonically, 18 PhDs,

doesn't refer to himself as Dr.

Fantastic

or Dr.

Richards.

He's going to just call me Mr.

Fantastic.

So, the combination of the two things is a unique level of fucking ego.

Whereas Dr.

Doom has no postgraduate qualification and yet

has awarded himself that honorific.

I've never noticed that.

But Selly Neymar would spunk on eggs.

Yeah,

but if he's after Sue Storm,

maybe they make it work.

It could be a cock thing.

We don't know.

We don't know.

Well, it literally is a cock thing.

Maybe Reed Richards is into it.

Yeah.

Do you think Ben Grimm spunk his tiny rocks on mud?

I don't know.

Dust.

Dust.

Sand.

Sand, yeah.

Yeah, like when you go inside.

I don't know.

For some reason, the St Enoch Centre, when I was a teenager, the stairs were always covered in sand.

And I'm like, where's this sand coming from?

Nearby construction, surely, but the sand isn't even blown in off the Clyde.

Do you know what I mean?

You think Ben Gremley?

Ben Gremley.

Jacking off in the

back stairs.

The back stairs of the city cookies.

Baskin Robbins.

Yeah.

Why not?

Millie's cookies.

We don't know that's not what the crumb on a Millie's cookie is.

It's a rock man's.

You think I'm kind of sweet.

Well, why not?

We're saying it's Biscoff.

I'm saying it's Pev Crum's rocky cum.

Bent over, fucking rattling his fucking

blind girlfriend.

His fucking, what do you call it, like a cairn?

His penis would be

funereal cairn.

So is that what Counts used to do before gravestones?

Was just pile rocks on top of where someone died?

Well, it's all kinds of different practices.

So one well there would have been a

thing of cairn burial but it would have been reserved for royals and it's mostly in kind of um western european

societies right

um

so he's just like can be like marvel and then suddenly uh anthropology here's the thing with the mcgosian i might go see the fantastic four because i find they're at their best when they're trying to make a different type of film.

So I liked the first Spider-Man film because it was like we're trying to make Ferris Bueller by Spider-Man.

Or and I liked like Captain America two or three, three, or two.

I think when it was like we're trying to make like all the President's Men, but it's Captain America.

It's like a kind of spy thriller.

I think they're always better when they're kinda riffing on a genre.

Or when Ant the first Ant-Man was like a heist film.

You've just absolutely drunk the fucking corporate go ahead, man.

You think think the kind of corporate intent is what informs these fucking films?

This first Spider-Man film is good because it's Sam fucking Raimi.

No, I'm not talking about that one, I'm talking about the first

of the homecoming, I think it's called.

You like that?

Yeah, I like that a wee bit, yeah.

I cried in that film, I cried in that film.

The ones we

guy, Tom Holland,

what

the first one was good

with With the vulture?

Come on, man.

I liked it.

Get a grip.

No, I know.

I'm trying to get a grip on myself.

I don't even know how to fucking respond to that.

I mean, that's like.

The bit where he goes to his girlfriend's house and her dad is the vulture is class.

I feel like, you know, we're both in prison, like Count of Monte Cristo or something.

We're not in prison.

And the guards fucking tormenting us, and he's pushing through.

Instead of our food, he's pushing through bowls of shit.

And you're going like,

you're not having yours.

I like it.

I like it on a Wednesday.

It's better when it's kind of wetter, isn't it?

It's better when it's kind of.

I don't like it when it's all chuggy.

I like it when it's just smooth.

I just don't know how to deal with that, okay?

There are lots of great comics.

If you've no read comics but you like superheroes on screen and you could bear to fucking open a book, the Batman and Robin comic sequence that Grant Morrison did is really good.

There's really good crime comics if you like crime novels and all that kind of stuff.

You got me that good

All-Star Superman.

Oh, yeah, All-Star Superman is Frank Whiteley, Grant Morrison.

There's Ed Brubaker does his comics, Criminal.

There's like a massive selection of them, but also all the other Ed Brubaker Phillips comics are really good.

What else?

It's just so, I think,

dense and impenetrable for a lot of people to get into comic books because

like you go try and buy individual copies and you're like oh this is uh issue five of seven of the fucking clone war conspiracy and spider-man you're like jesus

can you go back and buy the early ones not really oh i've missed it maybe i'll just wait for the next one you don't know what the fuck's going on you know you watch a film and it's made for baby brained morons and you're like well yeah but i mean they all are collected and stuff so if you go for a good run so it's like garth ennis did a run punisher max and then and punisher as well And then his run.

So there's a few books, maybe like six books of that.

And then his run is followed up by a couple of books.

A guy called Jason Aaron, which is The Punisher

versus Bullseye.

And if you read all of that and you were a tall, integrated superhero, maybe some of that kind of stuff, I guarantee you would enjoy it.

Yeah, you just need somebody with a bit of taste to point you in the right direction.

If you like zombies, I really liked what was that?

Crossed, where they have these kind of like smarter smarter kind of freudian zombies who what was freudian about them where they've gone into a kind of mad fuck frenzy that's what the zombie thing does to you and you're like i'll fuck your mother i'll fucking and they're all kind of like they're often expressing freudian fantasies they they want to fuck people but they're quite clever and they they um they work out they can spunk on bullets and shoot at people in the distance and infect them where they're they're not strictly zombies like a me too era thing No, that's Prince Peanut.

And then, so there's a whole bunch of those by Garth Ennis.

Then other people start writing them.

A great comic book writer who I'd really recommend everything he does, David Lapham.

And David Lapham wrote this thing called Stray Bullets, which is a classic kind of indie comic.

But

has done runs on Deadpool, has done all kinds of stuff.

He did a run on Cross.

That's really good.

And then Alan Moore eventually did a cross, and it's called like 100, Cross, Cross plus a hundred or something like that and it's set a hundred years in the future oh yeah which I've told you the plot of before and I don't want to spoil it for people but that's really good I think you spoiled it last time people were like that sounds amazing all right

I mean that's

and also you didn't need to read the original comics yeah to read that man well that's it it's a bit like we were talking about Coronation Street the other day'cause we know different people who are well I was in Manchester and and and an actor in it was on an unsuccessful date that was going pretty poorly for him and it was amazing to be a f I mean so incredible to be a fly-in-the-wall in a pub in Manchester and a Coronation Street actress having

probably one of the worst days of their life.

You're like, Wow, I'm really having a Manchester experience.

It's like if Johnny Marr came in and sat beside me or something.

This is like one of those yellow tabloids and stuff where people have to identify the who was he talking about.

We're the new pop bitch,

um, exclusively for rumours that we are eavesdropping on in a kind of quiet pub.

And, um,

what was I talking about?

Hard to say.

But like any Carnation Street, it kind of has to be.

They've got so they're a bit like get the same problem as comic books, what's been going on.

It's any kind of serialized entertainment.

The history is so long and convoluted and dense, and you need to appeal to people who've been watching it since the 70s and to people who may be watching it for the first time.

And that's impossible.

Well, making something that's quite good.

I taught that very point you've just made in a module in a high school in the year 1995, my friend really yeah

what course was that it was like yeah yeah but it was just part of an english it was part of a module of an english course yeah

yeah which is why i think a lot of times in comic books it's better to just it's like the the joker film where it's like this isn't part of a universe this is just like this one hang that happened do you know what i mean watchmen or something I know they tried to extend Watchmen with the TV show and the other comic books and stuff, but I'm like, oh, Superman's here as well.

And you're like, okay, I don't think guess.

But

the first Watchman books just, you know, as a thing on its own, it's just beautiful.

Do you know what I mean?

To take it out of the serialized thing, it was, you know.

My one point about it would be about Watchmen.

Well, Alan Miller gets annoyed, doesn't he?

Well, not annoyed, but he sort of goes or people would come up to me and go, I love Ross Church, and Ross Church is a fascist.

And then the book is not supposed to be admired,

really.

Or an anti-hero.

And people come up to him and go, oh, do you know who I really identify with?

That's smelly.

And my point would be: you can make a guy wear a Rorschach

mask

and complain about people projecting their feelings on him.

You know?

Yeah, that's a good point.

Also, don't make the unlikable characters stand up to the evil guy at the end and never back down from the mass murder committed by him.

That's part of the point.

That all kind of feeds into the thing of,

you know, the horror of liberalism.

You know?

It even drives fascists insane.

Yeah.

Oh, wow.

We see nowadays the horror of liberalism, don't we?

Of like kind of the supposed world order that's just sitting and watching people in Gaza die, and they're just sort of like, let's wait for this to be over so that we can start moral grandstanding about pop videos and all the stuff that we used to get a thrill out of.

It's just crazy to be like,

yeah, we're going to prescribe a musical act for saying something, or we're going to go to Bob Villen and try and get him taken off of stuff because he said a chant at a gig.

And it's like, I bet you build the bombs that get dropped.

So you are killing people.

And he's saying he

not that he wants to kill people, but just that they should die.

Look, the chances of the people at Glastonbury being able to make any kind of bent in the IDF is extremely, extremely small.

It's limited.

Yeah.

And then, you know, you broadcast it on BBC, but still, those people, you know, you can't.

Nobody's watching that on iPlayer and then booking their ticket for.

Yeah, I mean, it's fucked.

It's absolutely fucked.

You know what's weird to me is that just the idea that Israel's a civilian army.

So that's just like

your dentist is off.

Well, that's how you're doing.

He's like, hey, hey, you're going to get a fucking aid checkpoint, and then he's back the next week.

You've been up to anything, Barry.

I killed a few people looking for flour.

That's how they...

I mean, that's why it's the.

They do that in a few countries, don't they?

They do national.

Like Singapore has it, where you just, you need to join the army.

National service.

National service.

And it gives you a sense of...

National pride.

It won't be long before they start floating that here as well.

Yeah.

Can get fucked.

We've both aged out of it.

We've both served our nation, I think, is the phrase you're looking for.

Done fucking 80 months on this pod

for fuck all money.

Just purely to broaden the horizons.

I've put YouTube specials up on YouTube.

I've put stand-up specials up on YouTube.

That's my national service.

I gave that gift to the country.

Check out my special on YouTube.

It's called Scary Times.

I've offered a mild and

erratic satire of the society that I live in as my service to what more can you do

yeah I mean it's absolutely f but I think when you have that national service in a country that is then committing a genocide it's like well every

everybody's compromised then

do you know what I mean

well not it's not everybody but it's just that you've got

huge numbers of people who are for it.

Do you know what I mean?

There's an interesting poll out the other day, which was like in Britain,

we provide

parts for fighter planes and bombers that are being used in

Gaza.

Yeah, and part of that shelber system is Glasgow and all that kind of stuff.

And

60-something percent, maybe 67% of people or something are opposed to that in Britain.

But th there's a s sixteen per cent of people

uh oppose

an arms embargo for that.

And you're like, fuck, who are those sixteen percent of people?

Because that's such an extreme thing.

Where they've got those people in a prison camp, they're now asking them to concentrate into a smaller prison camp.

They gun them down when they're trying to get flour.

And you're like i certainly wouldn't want to see any interruption to that going on i mean that's an incredibly bloody mindset yeah

there's a lot of strange people out there yeah is that in scotland is that in the uk it's uk i can believe that you definitely go out and meet these people and they're like well that's uh

Jolly good the way we do things here.

Yeah.

And it's not even a not thinking about thing.

That's the I'm i'm for this i'm for it we don't sell guns that's the business there's also that thing isn't that where they go oh this is investment in the economy they almost present it as a kind of keynianism a kind of you know military economy thing

there's no jobs in arms it's really really

and not labor intense it's the least labor intense uh industry that there is outside of you know building data centers or something which we're also doing

um

and you know nobody's getting anything out of it.

There was some figure when they, you know, the recent thing where they went, we're going to spend a hundred billion dollars on nuclear bomber planes,

where the BBC article didn't mention a cost.

So, on the BBC website, no cost was given just for just getting these planes, right?

And

they didn't initially mention that

America would essentially own the warheads, and then they did mention mention it.

Um,

but it said it gave a figure of this could uh help in the creation or some really vague phrase of up to 20,000 jobs or support 20,000 jobs.

And what they mean is,

oh, there's sort of

sweet shops and news agents and shit around help systems and around fucking RAF bases and stuff like that.

And maybe, I guess, the fact that there's slightly more people working there would have a knock-on effect.

And maybe they'll go to Scarborough on a fucking day trip from there.

And that's literally where that figure comes from.

And if you had the actual jobs creation figure, I mean it would be in the it would be in the low hundreds.

Medicial.

But some people do just hate brown people.

Yeah?

Yeah, no, you should kill them.

We should send more we should we should send more whims there and we should kill more of them because um the crusades never ended in my head.

You know the crusades was about it's really Jesus's fault.

Isn't everything?

Yeah.

Jesus leaves and he goes,

I'll be back, essentially.

They think...

Terminator still.

They think, but basically the apostles think

this is just a short thing.

He's coming back.

And the whole thrust of the early church is we've got to prepare for the big man coming back.

And when it gets to the millennium, you know, he's been gone for a thousand years.

They're like, well, this must be it.

And And how do we bring on the old eschaton?

Well, maybe we go and we reconquer the Holy Land.

Like, what's up?

And that was kind of part of what was behind it.

And then this is that again.

Was Terminator supposed to be Jesus?

Why was it called Judgment Day?

If not?

Because he was like, lots of people judge people, not necessarily.

Well, Judgment Day is like in Revelation.

Yeah.

Well, it's like, I guess it is like what was foretold in the Bible could actually come to pass, but not in a sense that the Bible would have really envisaged for a robot for the future.

But yeah, it would be Judgment Day.

Except Judgment Day, remember the thing of Christianity has become obscured now, but Christians believed that there would be a day of judgment.

It wasn't that you were going to die and go to heaven, right?

It was that you were going to die.

go into your grave or whatever, your stone cairn, and then there would be a judgment day when the dead arose.

Yeah.

And fucking Jesus comes down and goes, you, not you, like football at school.

Good guy, good guy, wack.

Exactly.

Yeah.

Well, there you go.

Do you think Ben Grimm's spunk is tiny rocks or mud?

I think it's, yeah, I think it's sand, like you said, yeah.

Or maybe

someone done a kind of, do you know, remember the great books they used to have in schools that was like, uh, they cut a boat in half and you could just see the inside their boat.

What was I called bisect in a boat?

Diorama or something like that.

I think someone done that of like this is what's going on in Ben Grimm's body.

Horrifying.

Horrifying what he is.

Ben Grimm had a kind of catchphrase tendency though, didn't he?

So maybe he's like, it's coming time.

Or when you blow him, he's like, it's slobbering time.

It's horrible.

Maybe.

It's slobbering time.

Maybe though that's for fighting.

He has that level of distance, but he's

a tender lover?

Such a tender.

She's like, so consumed by lust that he can't catch her, he just has to go.

She's like, Do the catchphrase, Ben.

I can't, baby.

He goes soft.

The one part of his body that can go soft is cock.

Imagine you couldn't get it up.

He's fucking mango.

That would be worth it.

Every other inch of your body is rock hard, and your penis is a flaccid bag worm.

It's just like a potter's, a potter's wheel gone wrong.

Wet clay.

There's a good Warren Ellis planetary comic with an evil Fantastic Four called The Four.

And they have to kind of basically bump it off the Fantastic Four because they're all absolute cunts.

And then Ben Grimm is this like kind of unkillable super soldier for The Four.

And they lure him on to...

the ship of dead Galactus.

So Galactus has died in this universe.

And they go go in there and he's like he's lying dead in his giant ship but because he's so vast and he's sucked up so much life all these kind of like

all his life has grown on his dead body it's all like there's like tribes of people running about and there's like fucking animals and stuff all kind of running up his kind of decaying corpse yeah and they managed to they managed to hit this ship that Ben Grimm is on while he's on it and just knock it into deep space and he's fucked and he can never get back.

It's really good.

But he's depicted in it as having all his internal organs on the outside.

So he's all made of rock, but he's got a big kind of kidney here and stuff like that.

It's really grim.

You're really asking to be punched in your external kidney.

Someone's seen, I'd seen like an evil version of Fantastic Four where like Ben Grimm was turned into a wall of Reed Richards castle.

He was like part of the

stand down, like his face was huge and stuff.

I don't know.

Baitwon, here's the thing.

What if Doctor Doom and Reed Richards Richards started a fake beef, a kind of pair of wrestlers?

Do you know?

Keep food.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And

we're going to keep this going and between us, you know, we managed to, therefore, Reed Richards managed to get all the US defense funding that he needs for his projects.

They're playing off America and La Veria.

Meanwhile, Doctor Doom's able to bleed La Veria dry, even though cunts are basically riding about in horses and carts and he's got robot versions of himself and that.

i'm sorry i think that spider-man film is quite good where he has the the vultures in it have you not seen it michael keaton have i not i have seen it that's the problem i have seen it

the bit where he's at the traffic light and his he realizes who spider-man is after spider-man's realized who he is and his face just turns green with the traffic light i was like that's a good bit of business he turned his face green

very clever I would say the Co-Pro, where they got Co-Pro money and went, let's put Spider-Man in Venice.

That was shy.

You know, the one place where there's no tall buildings

and really see him scuttling about like he's lost on the bottom of a bath.

Come on.

I liked it.

It was great to see Mysterio on the big screen.

I'm a Mysterio head.

I like the old fishbowl, you know.

I like Mysterio, but that character where he was just a huckster, I didn't particularly enjoy it.

I didn't think it was good.

He's actually, I mean, just read the comics, people.

There's hundreds of better

versions of all this kind of stuff.

Quentin Beck.

My favourite wrestler, Rey Mysterio, dressed up as Mysterio once for a laugh.

So that was quite good.

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed that.

Stevie read down the comics as well.

Read people who don't make movies.

My daddy recently read Zoe Thorgood's

comic about dealing with

sight loss.

That was really good.

And yeah, just go fucking Forbidden Planet and have a look about, see if anything takes your interest.

You will see me there occasionally buying some Duns and Dragons dice for various podcast side projects.

I just have to.

When I was a wee guy, I was a big wrestling figure guy.

I had a big wrestling figure collection.

And I find it very difficult to...

And I never really have never.

I guess it's like smoking.

I would never smoke.

But when someone's smoking a cigarette, I'll stand next to them and I'll breathe deep.

I'm not going to smoke, but I miss the smell sometimes, even though the smell is disgusting.

This is like someone creating an elaborate reason for having been near some children.

I wasn't smelling the children, I was smelling the plastic of the figures.

Your honour.

I just love to go to the wrestling figure aisle and just go, is that what they're doing these days?

More points of articulation than there used to be.

Is there a Christian cage?

Of course.

There's been, I would say,

probably upwards of 60 different Christian cage action figures over the last 40 years.

The guy has been at it for a long time.

Detachable turtleneck.

He will have the turtleneck now, yeah, yeah.

On action figures for AEW.

Yeah, maybe well, listen.

Santa's listening, thank you.

Maybe for maybe for the Christmas episode.

If indeed here comes the Gillette and isn't completely beheaded.

Christmas.

It's like when a limping dog comes in the house and you're like, well, what are we going to get him for Christmas?

I don't know.

Not a problem.

That's for the farm.

The farm will figure that out.

The nice couple on the farm.

Get him a shovel.

Yeah.

Anyway, thank you so much for another episode of Here Comes the Guillotine with Christmas Carter Boyd and Friggy Boyle and Susan Cabe, who's not here.

Who are you thanking?

Us?

I'm thanking the listener for checking us out and spending time with us.

Come and see my friend's show.

If

August isn't over, Christopher's friend show and Susie Show.

Susie's friend show also.

Yes.

Go and see Frankie's friend show.

Nothing.

No plans at all.

Have you got any stand-up kicks in the diary?

I'm doing some weird kind of festivals and things and then

a lot of nothing.

Hell yes,

right.

Thanks.

Andy here.

Thank you for listening to another episode of Here Comes the Guillotine with Frankie Boyle, Susie McCabe, and Christopher MacArthur Boyd.

Susie and Christopher are playing Edinburgh Fringe this summer, so if you want to head along, head to their socials for more information.

You can get all the episodes of Here Comes the Guillotine on Global Player right now.

Search Search for Global Player on your App Store or go to globalplayer.com.

This is a Global Player original podcast.