Here Comes the Guillotine - Best Of - Volume Two

Here Comes the Guillotine contains offensive language, mature content, and adult themes.

It is not suitable for a younger audience.

This is a Global Player Original Podcast.

Hey, how are you doing?

This is producer Andy, and you're listening to Here Comes the Guillotine with Frankie Boyle, Susie McCabe, and Christopher MacArthur Boyd.

Susie and Christopher are curling at the fringe right now, so I've put together a little best of for you.

Hope you enjoy.

As his only surviving relative, it was up to me to clear his flat and sort through his belongings.

What I mainly found was an absolute mountain of pornography littered throughout his flat.

House clearance took most of it, that's another story.

But I kept a select few more humorous DVDs which are now in my garage.

What should I do with them?

Keep them?

Bin them?

Sell them?

I tried to list them on eBay, but got a violation warning.

I'm worried that if I drop down dead, someone will think the items belong to me.

Thanks in advance.

Lee.

Maybe his uncle cleared them out from someone else's house and it's just this kind of unstoppable chain of pornography.

Who knows how far back it stretches originally, like Kubla Khan or something.

It could be Genghis.

Is Kubla Khan and Genghis Khan related?

I would think so.

Nefutan is Genghis.

Yeah, Genghis is the younger, I'm sure.

Yeah,

from Kubla.

But also, I would think Khan would be like King, wouldn't it?

Yeah.

Rather than a second name.

Yeah, like Kaiser and Caesar and stuff.

It's just a kind of.

Well, we know so little about this and so far off the topic of the question.

It's time for Google.

I was

thinking about this because

my granddad died recently and we were in clearing out the house as it was going to be sold on.

And I bagsied

one of my favourite things from my childhood,

which was that in my grandparents' house there was a draft excluder shaped like a sausage dog.

Yeah.

Dark brown stripes, light brown stripes.

I had little wool and it's woolen.

I love it.

And I was like, does nobody take the draft excluder?

And they went, okay, maybe we're going to give that to somebody.

And I went, I've got a new flat.

Could I have it for my flat?

And they went, yeah.

And now I have this draft excluder, which

I think will become one of my prized possessions.

That's alright.

What's something nice about that?

I think it's a kind of childhood thing.

I was going to wear my granddad's Doc Martens on stage from a special recording as a kind of tribute and gesture.

But

he were too small for me.

So I've had to just think about my granddad's shoes instead of wear them.

I can

now confirm you're Kubla and Genghis.

Are they related?

Grandson of Genghis.

Yes, I said nephew but close enough.

Khan is just king.

Have you played Ghost of Tsushima?

Not yet.

Okay, it's the kind of video game where you're a

Ron and ninja and you kind of have to disown the tenets of the samurai

Bushido, I believe, is the

code of ethics.

Bush code on the samurai.

And you kind of have to embrace the gorilla techniques of ninjutsu.

Unethical samurai would have been a great title.

Unethical samurai would have been a much more accurate title.

And your uncle hates you the whole game.

He's like, No, you'd rather die a samurai than live as a ninja, and at the end you have to kill him.

I can't remember how I got into this.

Oh, the villains in it are the Mongolian army and they're all cannons.

So if you're listening to this, and we will get to your porn problem, Lee, but if you're listening to this,

maybe play Ghost of Shreema.

Can I add a further digression?

As a small child, perhaps about seven or so,

my upstairs neighbours'

father died, and they said, Do you want to?

This is a dead working-class thing.

Do you want to come in the house of the dead person and see if you want to take any of the stuff?

Yeah, right?

So, they were like, Do you want to come around and see if you want?

So, me and my mum went around to this dead guy's house that he'd been out of a fucking day

she grabbed a vase but while we were there i picked up the phone dialed 999 and told the operator that i hated them

you are one

one step away from hunting cats at this point right but i worried about that for years like till i was about 10 or something i was was like, am I going to get done for that?

How could that be traced to you?

Columbo himself.

Jonathan Creek himself couldn't trace you back to that.

Dead guy has phoned the fucking ambulance and told them he hates them.

I kind of couldn't remember.

I went, I hate you.

Okay.

Yeah, we're social.

The way Columbo would get you, he would go investigate the dead man's house, see you standing outside wearing a medal from a war that you weren't in.

And go, yeah, it's interesting that you were.

and your mum with fresh flowers and a vase.

And he'd go, you were up there, and you go, no, I've never been up there.

And he would get you.

Columbo would get you.

He would see the vase with flowers and be like, but there's no birthday cards.

See, that's funny because when my wife has a birthday, we all get birthday cards, you know.

And so he would say, Happy birthday, Mrs.

Columbo.

And then he'd be like, nobody's died.

Because why is that, Christopher?

There's no cards.

Exactly.

I told my mum, but I didn't get into trouble.

I think because it made so little sense.

I was like, here you are, that's what I did.

I get it.

You wore a dead man's clothes to verbally abuse

an emergency service.

Amazing.

So, what should they do with these pornographic DVDs?

Leave them at least throw them in the fucking bin.

You've literally got a computer in your pocket and you can access as much porn as you want.

Just get the DVDs in the bin and crack on with your life, quite literally.

Take them a fucking antiques roadshow.

Is there not an argument for the preservation of physical media?

We can't allow our entire culture to become streaming now.

Yeah, because it would just go down.

Yeah, yeah.

Exactly.

But also,

I'm going to guess that that porn isn't quite ethical porn.

Why not?

If it was on GHS and DVD, I'm not going to be like, oh, it was a really...

Do you know what I fancy watching tonight the porn of the dead?

There's also that thing, right?

Then this isn't my idea.

But someone had it 10 years ago.

But if you get a video cassette, in the old days, you mean to lend each other porn.

You get a VHS, the point you put it on was the point your mate came at.

Not the exact point.

Well, you don't come when the cum flies out your dick and hits the pause button.

But it's pretty close.

Do you know what I mean?

Jesus.

And so you'd be like, all right.

That's the sweet spot.

I'll go back and and then get to that.

Wait, this would be like where the cunt died.

My,

I know someone who's a special copper and they had to go into a house where people were like, oh, we can't get a hold of this, get a high, blah, blah, blah.

And it'd been like a day or two, and he was meant to turn up at places and didn't.

And everybody was kind of phoning about looking for him.

So they kind of go into the house and he's lying,

trousers at the ankles, toilet roll, no laptop,

something.

And he's just like, I think I'd just fucking try and get the laptop closed with those final.

It's a virtual pompe, eh?

Much of the service?

Yeah.

That's you encased in ash.

And

I think just to warn the end, the last maybe year, I'm just going to stop blanking.

But you don't know when that user is the case.

You'd have to start now.

You'd have to.

Very much started.

It just takes a lot of effort.

I only really do it if I need to get my steps up and my watch.

Honestly, it's performed with the weary air of jury duty.

It's performed like a field medical procedure.

I don't care.

Oh,

but I really hope this is the bit that gets clipped up so that people can see your just lack of enthusiasm for your own self-flagellation.

Yes.

Everyone's lack of enthusiasm, to be fair.

I don't know.

Anyway,

what I mainly found is a mountain of pornography littered throughout its flat.

Now, to me, that speaks to degeneracy because it's one thing to have

a cupboard where you store your lockable

cupboard.

Jesus Christ.

Maybe,

you know,

there's many plates safe.

I'd be really worried if someone was putting it.

I'd be right with you.

I'm just putting my porn in the safe.

What?

How can I say the porn?

Yeah.

That's kinda

comedian levels of porn, isn't it?

You know what I mean?

Having it lettered about the flat is actually pretty reassuring.

Not to visitors, but to me as an observer.

Keep them, bin them, sell them.

I think.

He's put them on eBay already.

Fucking hell, just throw it in the bin, you fucking perimaniac.

I think, like.

Picture your own life.

I don't know about you, it's too right, but picture your own life now.

If we if the three of us went, okay, that's been a good first mailbag day, recording a couple of nice mailbag episodes.

See you later, then we all go our separate ways out of the studio.

We all get hit by three separate buses simultaneously, and our houses get excavated by whoever's job that is or well all three of us will be by loved ones which is nice for us do you want them to be selling this stuff on ebay i just want them to put it in a bin bag and go i'm never going to speak with that for the rest of my life personally i'd like them to round up my receipts because i haven't done it for a while

um

but

Yeah, there's nothing in like sell whatever you want.

Do whatever the fuck you want.

Sell?

Sell.

Well, not I've not got any DVD pornos, no, I don't either, but you sell anything like anything that doesn't go into landfill is a good thing.

I find landfill really depressing,

um, and even the concept of recycling from when that started, I was like, they're just burning that in China.

And then, like, 20 years later, they were like, Turned out they were burning it in China.

And you're like, Of course, they were fucking burning it in China.

Yeah.

I was, what is it?

Is it maybe

it was an Adam Curtis thing, I think,

and it was about recycling, maybe

and I think it was like um

when it gets burned in China and stuff it's like that was a psyop by

anti-climate people do you know what I mean like that advert on TV of the Native American crying a single tear that was the best thing that climate like climate like people who benefit from

um pollution like businesses if you're a business that's an amazing thing because it's like you made that Indian cry because you didn't recycle that can.

When in actual fact, it's the business who created the unrecyclable can, whose issue it is.

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, before then, like, lots of the stuff was naturally biodegradable.

So, if you bought a McDonald's, it came in a paper box, and it was stuff that biodegraded.

And as they moved to things that weren't biodegradable and moved to plastic Coke bottles and things like that, and you couldn't go and exchange,

they started to bring in littering as a big idea, and they go, Well, it's your fault for throwing this stuff away.

And you're like, No, it's your fault for making it.

Yeah, you're a litter bug.

You're a fucking bug engine.

You're a bug factory.

You're the giant fucking bug from Starship Troopers.

The giant bug from Starship Troopers.

Nice one.

I feel we've answered his question quite thoroughly.

Yeah,

just get the poem, get it in the bin,

burn it, and don't think about it.

And don't email your favourite podcast to ask them.

Yeah.

Bruce, yeah, I guess Bruce Lee who says that

it's extremely unlikely.

Bruce was leading roots from beyond the grave to discuss his uncle's porn collection.

Bruce Lee's uncle's porn collection.

This This has been sent in from Neil.

He has said, What is the crack of finding a stray pubic hair on your desk at work

when you know it's not yours?

Wow.

What do you think, lads?

Well, there's two possibilities that it is indeed stray, as he's categorized it, or has it been deliberately placed like a bullet on your doorstep as some kind of threat or

invitation

and maybe it's like Cinderella and you have to match it to

whose is this

you don't want to get that wrong

you don't want to be touching it

I don't think I've ever found a pube with this maybe it could be a partner's hair a partner's pube's ended up in your hair you've scratched your head ergo that's how a pube gets there I know exactly how this has happened.

Neil has went home.

At night, he's maybe like worked late, late because most people have to work late nowadays.

There's always two people in the office that are working late.

It will never ever be the boss.

Never.

And whoever it is,

they're doing the shagging.

Right?

It'll be somebody that knows how to turn the cameras off, whatever it may be in the office.

But they're 100% doing the shagging.

Because there's no other reason for a stray pube to be at desk.

Right?

Nobody's going to just masturbate in the office.

Just agree.

Why are they shagging on your desk?

What are they saying to you?

Listen, I knew people who

were doing all that kind of stuff at lunchtime in a place that I used to work many a year ago, over 20 years ago.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I remember early days of Twitter, before you knew better, I would do various kind of wee hangs to try and build up my Twitter following.

And it was like, you know, a hip-hop night and blah, blah, blah, and we regular things.

And one night would be a regular kind of post-bag thing.

And I said,

What's the wildest thing that happened at your work?

And holy shit, man.

It's just a sexual, pan-sexual, free-for-all out there.

And it was like Scottish people, Muslim folks.

It was a guy who was like, I fingered this woman that worked in the cigarette counter in fucking Morrison's when her man was in jail and stuff like that.

It was just absolutely mental.

Love finds a way.

There was a guy I know who went and bought a cheap mattress and got it delivered to a spare office within the building and was using it in lunch thing to have sex with someone else who worked in the same office as him.

Fuck pad.

The fuck office.

Yeah, but I mean it's quite bleak, isn't it?

Like fucking putting a single mattress down that you've got out there, Goss, to then, you know, nail somebody on a fucking floor tile.

A few candles.

A few candles to set off the sprinklers.

To set off the final arms.

Check baker.

How come we could get evacuated every fucking day?

It's that office with the jawsticks and the final record player.

My funny Valentine.

You know, a bit of trumpet.

Also, it's the wrong tempo for me.

Need fucking Goldie.

I need

UK hip-hop.

That thing with the masters in the jungle.

What I'm going to suggest to Neil is

Neil keeps a rotor of who's working late, and that will fucking decipher whose pube it is.

There's also, I mean, this is just as a pet kind of PS, but there is a possibility that this is Neil covering his tracks after his wife has gone, what's this big pube on your box?

It's like, all these pubes on my desk.

they've just got swept it off my desk.

I don't know.

I've done a touch.

Neil is telling us that he's standing a safe distance away from his desk and possibly just typing this into your phone and sending it through.

So I'm thinking, right now, what you need to do here is set up a spreadsheet.

You work in an office, so you'll be good at that.

Get the spreadsheet out, list everybody that's in that office against the days of the week, copy, repeat on different sheets, and then you will be able to culminate all of that in an end sheet.

And by the end of it, you will know, do it over maybe the space of eight weeks and you see who's

an expert tracker in who'll just like put his ear to the desk.

Can I do that?

A dog man.

Can I do that?

Will anybody be allowed?

Tweezes.

Take it.

Test tube.

Anonymously submit it to the police in a local

or throw it at a crime scene.

Yeah.

Yeah.

See who gets arrested in your office.

Yeah.

Wow.

Right.

So somebody else.

You might have to do the crime.

It's unlikely you could stumble over a serious enough crime, but if you just kill someone now and then drop this pube, ideally sort of clench between their teeth like it was a final, a final attempt at retribution.

Put it on the upper lip like a tiny Hitler mustache.

And then see who gets picked up.

Or it could be use.

Hello there, my friends and I have been obsessed with the idea of the Time RA.

Now, this was the idea we put forth that there's some kind of time travel and IRA

with

people all across time teaming up.

It was basically, wasn't it, sort of Alan Moore's and Kevin O'Neill's kind of league of extraordinary gentlemen, but with the IRA.

Yeah.

I'm a man in my early 50s and I'm considering this as my first tattoo

to join the Time Ra.

Just that taken by the notion.

Anyway, let me get to the point.

We are currently trying to pin down a definitive roster for the boys, but we're looking for suggestions for the Time Ra.

The only criterion we've set is: A, they need to fit in, and B, they need to be handy.

A few notable entries in the list so far.

Simon Bolivar, who's that?

He was a revolutionary South American general.

He would have been great.

Woody Guthrie.

Oh, he's a Bolivian guy.

Is Bolivia named after him?

Is he named after Bolivia?

The first one.

Right.

Woody Guffrey, who was the folk singer who said this machine, this guitar kills fascists.

This machine kills fascists.

Shea Guevara.

Stookie.

Who's Stookie?

Stookie's a character from a children's T V series

from about 1980 in Scotland who had a cast on his arm.

You think he would have been in the IRA?

I think he wore a Celtic top Stookie.

For me,

every chance.

Chuck Norris.

I think Chuck Norris is quite right-wing.

Quite right-wing and quite Rangers-coated.

Texas Ranger.

Yeah.

He's not Texas Celtic, is he?

Exactly.

True, no.

Bruce Lee, obviously, yeah, he would be in the IRA.

Jean-Claude Van Damme.

Again, I just feel like Belgium is a slightly

Protestant.

It's not.

Belgium is a Catholic country.

You kind of stand out though if you're doing a gun running mission across the fucking border in Armagh.

And it's

just taking some gem, you know.

One guy's doing the splits.

Just the scares light.

Just the splits across the border.

I love that bit in Bloodsport where he sleeps with the journalist who's trying to investigate the community

in tournament.

and she wakes up in the morning post coinus and Jean-Claude is doing the stretch I believe in a thong across two chairs that you set up and she looks over and she goes she just has this wry

smile on her face of

that's just so like him

after straggling her he's woke up early to do some

utterly extreme stretching

in really tight clothes i I mean, I just think I'd love to get Jean-Claude for one of the live shows.

Maybe Edinburgh.

It's close out of Belgium.

Not much.

Not by much.

Not by much.

40 miles less for him to travel.

Yes, you know, I'm a huge fan of the bug.

I was a street fighter.

He's a very big dog lover.

And turned down opportunities in his career to be with his dogs.

That will also be me when, you know, hopefully I get some success when the GCVD money comes in.

Yeah,

Super Gran.

Who's that?

It was a children's TV show again in around 1980-ish, which had a theme scene.

It was a super power granny, a theme scene by Billy Connolly.

Yep,

yeah, where the guy from Budgie, who's an old Scottish actor, who was like in Super Gran, he would come in in the middle and it was like Billy Conley would have a song going this stuff Super Gran can do.

And then this guy's mad Scottish voice come in and go, Is there nothing that she can do?

Yeah, it's true.

Is that true?

Sounded like Peter Mullen.

There's nothing she can't do except unite the

disparate.

Create Irish unity.

Yeah.

A united island.

Well, let's find out.

I don't think that's the best selection for the timer.

Who would you like to see in the time IRA?

Possibly some people who were in the IRA might be a start.

They're already in the IRA, but this is a distinct unit.

All right, with So it fluctuates throughout.

But if you can get anyone through time, the temporal.

Are you then,

where are you in the Civil War?

Are you going to get Michael Collins in?

Are you going to get Roger Casement in?

The big man.

Yeah.

You need to get Michael Collins in.

I don't know.

I think he was a pick.

What about Wolf Tone?

Yeah, let's get Wolf Tone in.

Wolf Tone in, right?

What about Genghis Khan?

I think you would bring him in for the IRA, but when he got to the 70s and 80s, he would then see that the true, you know,

the imperial might of Britain, and he would join up with that.

Yeah, I'm going to try and put this together like a football team, right?

So, Wolf Tone and goals, goals, okay, right?

So, we're looking for two centre hats,

Bruce Lee and John Cliff.

I think someone from kind of mainland China because, like, then they would see Britain, what Britain had done to China historically, and they'd be like, I'm right on board with the fucking time, Ra.

Moo, Mao, get me.

Moo, Mao, centre half,

who was Miles Mrs.

Mrs.

Mao.

Yeah, the woman who was like a Chinese opera singer and then she became.

You think they're Melda Marcos?

I think so.

Yeah, that smells in a different country.

Imelda Marcos wore shoes.

Fuck yeah.

Wear school sandal.

I've had enough of you.

Jesse, fuck.

Miles wife.

Good one, Miles wife.

Should we get someone who could shoot or make bombs?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Jang Ching, the widow of Chinese leader mao zedong i'm wanting i'm wanting jang cheng in here patrick mcgee patrick mcgee's earned his fucking bomb he's earnest he's earned his but he was in the normal ra

this is a temporal rax sake right okay okay we need a we need someone who's made a bomb fucking einstein einstein

you're gonna irradiate well you're just gonna threaten him you're gonna say somewhere in london why put time Oppenheimer.

Why don't we put an open timer on this bomb?

Einstein

at Einstein in the rear.

Einstein at right back

beside Oppenheimer.

I don't know.

Oppenheimer's sort of.

Oppenheimer's centre half on the right side, so he's covering.

He's covering when Einstein goes forward.

Aye.

Okay.

Okay.

What about who's the gunpowder guy?

Guy Fox.

Guy Fox.

Top Tim.

Yeah.

Guy Fox.

Yeah, 11.

A left back.

Left back.

Right, left back.

Guy Fox.

Guy Fox and left back.

Someone who could shoot, maybe, maybe shoot our way out of trouble or handheld.

Have we got Jackie Chan in?

Jackie Chan's gonna be that mob.

Laracroft in the back.

No, Jackie Chan's not.

Jackie Chan up front, maybe.

Like me, like me.

Face Maida.

Famously against IRA, though.

Oh,

it's a bit controversial.

Remember?

But no, because he's Chinese, he's going to be like, fuck Britain.

I mean, he comes and does the chat shows or whatever.

He's going to plaster on a fucking fake smile, but deep down, Jackie Chan's going to be like, the fucking Open Wars.

Yeah.

I want to help the fucking time rat.

It never came up in his curtain.

Exactly.

He's not going to tell you.

I'm really obsessed, not obsessed, but I love the phrase century of humiliation.

I think it's just such a...

Have you heard of that, Susie?

No, mate, tell me.

In Chinese culture, they refer to the century of humiliation as, like, when Britain was in charge of them, and they go, we'll never go back to that.

I feel like Jackie Chan is a living embodiment of the refusal to be humiliated.

Even when he stands in a bucket, he's going to spin around and he's going to kick that bucket in a henchman's face.

And that is an outward rejection.

He's at least on the bench.

Jackie Chan on the bench.

I think maybe some kind of early, like really early history figure, like a kind of like Peter the Great or somebody.

But like

Ramses.

Do you know who I've always thought?

Fair fucks to him.

Robert the Bruce.

Do you know what I mean?

He's essentially French.

The fucking English come out at the start and go, We want a champion to fight you.

He rides out, sidesteps it, chops his fucking head in half.

It's a very French thing to do.

He's a proper king.

He hated England.

Saint-on-mid.

Saint on.

That's in our culture, but you know.

That's Scottish.

Yeah.

He's too Scottish for the ra.

He sent his brother over over to try and get Ireland on board

but some people but he was trying to distract English essentially.

So you're right Robert the Bris is a controversial selection.

Some booing from the fans.

That's centre mids man.

He's going to be running that whole mid thing.

He's going to be box to box.

He's going to have an engine in him.

Who's the man?

Who's the mastermind?

Kind of Martin O'Neal figure.

Oh, who's the coach?

Who isn't Martin O'Neal?

The coach.

Oscar Wilde.

Oscar Wilde.

Oscar Wilde.

Yeah.

You know.

Always good with a bon mott.

Well, imagine him doing the fucking post-match interview.

I have nothing to declare but my genius and

Chuck Ala.

Well, there's another thing.

I mean,

those fucking presenters are going to be floundering in the Match of the Day studio with

Oscar Wilde.

Can't you wait till we get to the sports scene studio?

Well, there you go.

Any further suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

The plan in the long run is to have the boys in the clichéd HG Wells time inked on my manly chest.

Have we have we got the whole team down yet?

No, no, we've only got Wolf Toe.

Right, so basically we've got our keeper Wolf Tow and then we've got Guy Fox, Mo, Oppenheimer, Einstein, and in the middle of the park we've got Robert LeBruce and then we've got Jackie Chan in the bench with Oscar Wilde as the coach.

This is fucking cool still.

Hang on, boys are in my fucking chest space.

He has never played champ manager, has he?

No, I haven't.

I played Tifa a few times, but I found it

bounce-offable.

I was recently on the Stenner Line from Belfast to Air and back on Remembrance Day, which was charged.

And

they have a gaming zone on the Stenner Line Ferry with four PlayStation 4s set up.

And me and Roscoe were playing FIFA with each other with some staunch children as an audience.

And they found my lack of football prowess amusing.

And what teams were you?

We were Newcastle United and Manchester United because we couldn't figure out how to swap them.

But a guy showed up very shortly after and went, Who's your favourite team?

Mine is Rangers.

You know, it was a pretty unsubtle attempt at

provoke.

James McLean.

Be a good one.

Absolutely.

Two centre mids.

He's earned his place in the time.

He's that guy who won't wear a poppy.

Alright, okay.

And he stands aside from the team while they remember the word.

He's from Derry.

Fuck's sake.

What's he gonna do?

Everybody gets really upset about this, and you kind of go, Do you know,

I understand

that

you

want to remember or whatever, but I also understand that other people don't.

And you know what?

Can we all just fucking relax?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I don't even think most of these people are offended.

It's just a thing that you can

clickbait.

Yeah.

tell you who is offended: the Kilmarnock manager.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, he was very offended, saying, Celtic can even decide how long our minute silence is, and it's our minute silence.

You're like, well,

fair deuce, Derek.

You know, but I don't think we're all whiter than white in this situation, are we?

Because, you know, people have sang songs in the past that they shouldn't be singing.

Isn't that right?

There's video footage of that, you know.

But next the QCs and other high-profile Scotland internationals back in the day.

Isn't there enough silence in Kilmarnock?

20-year silence between you and your wife.

A moment's silence.

Right, let's think.

Who else?

Finn McCool.

Finn McCool, the Irish king, and sometimes

giant.

Depends what.

Depends if you're not.

Imagine you're in the British Army in Belfast.

running some kind of horrible operation and the you know

a giant comes over the border.

I I know it's great, but I'm saying, is there a time machine that's going to take me to Finn McCool?

I don't think that it's.

Why not?

You're talking about an interdimensional machine that would allow us to penetrate into fictional and fatal realities.

You go back in time and then you go into the fairy world where he lives.

But it's different, it's different portals.

Time moves different.

Once you start getting in there, you're opening up a whole world of fucking onions.

Hearing me out right on the right side of midfields, James Connolly.

James Connolly?

James Connolly.

Before he was shot.

Yeah.

Not after.

Yeah, well, you know, he was like...

You can't shoot.

He was wounded.

So the British put him on a chair and they put a target over his heart.

Yeah.

Before they killed him.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Plenty of motivation.

Sounds like he needs to be Frankenstein and brought back to life for a volume.

Oh, do you know who I'd have on the left-hand side?

Mick Lynch.

Mick Lynch.

That's the trading unit.

The bald English trading unit.

Avative Mick Lynch.

Assistant manager, perhaps.

Okay.

Do you know what I mean?

Oh, boy.

When Wilde isn't available for the press due to Laudenham issues.

Due to legal issues.

Mick Lynch can step forward.

Right, so we're going to...

James Conley, James McCarthy, Robert LeBru.

So we need a...

We need some women.

It's a bit of a sausage fest.

It's a fucking football team for men.

They're not playing football.

Are they not?

I don't know.

I thought it was a a kind of metaphorical team.

Right, okay.

All right, yeah, I suppose they're not.

They're actually trying to overthrow the fucking British.

I'd get sucked in here.

Amelia Earpart to the champ manager thing.

Bringing a bit of air support for Amelia Earhart, she's gonna get lost.

Amelia Earhart in the timer.

I don't think we can create a case for her having Republican leanings.

Oh, yeah.

What about fucking Patty Hearst at her peak?

Do you know what I mean?

Patty Hearst?

Yeah.

I mean, what about Bernadette Devlin?

Bernadette Devlin, or Two Packs Maw.

She was a Panther, yeah.

Not Black Panther Revelation, she wasn't a literal

panther, Tupac's Maw

Tupac's mother was not a Puma,

right?

We've got we've got one more place in the first eleven.

What were it what position?

Striker.

So, we've got like I've put Tupac Small in at number nine.

So, this is more your second, like, your big striker, yes?

This is your kind of knock it down, like, two small queen mae

again

you fictional right

I mean we could go

we could go Bernard Devlin up front but I don't know how how good a number ten she would be.

I don't know how much she likes the Ra.

To be honest it is a complex political situation

relationship.

Typhoid Mary.

Some kind of but the Bob Bobby Sans.

He's already he's part

he can go anywhere in time.

He was in Sinn Féin.

Anywhere in the world.

Ned Kelly, bring him in.

Armour.

Armour?

Ned Kelly, the Australian.

Iron Man.

Do you get him in?

Do you know who's a good Ned Kelly?

Wiam Neeson.

Mick Jagger.

Mick Jagger.

Think how much his movement is going to fucking help us.

Do you know what I mean?

Mick Jagger in the Time Ra.

I think he would be a turn coat.

Do you know who he'd be doing Coke in a nightclub in London?

He'd be fucking fucking paling about with a...

Do you know who would be handy to have on the bench?

Mari Curie.

Scientist.

Clever.

Healer.

Healer.

She can do the fucking kit.

She can be the.

Mari Curie comes on when you.

Do you know what I mean?

I wouldn't play her.

No, but she's on the fucking.

She's in the

squad.

In the squad.

Who is that radium woman?

Was that her?

Hi.

Oh, she can use kind of radioactive weapons in the Brits.

I would have her on the bench.

Just handy to have.

So, who would be thinking there for this?

Make Jagger would be good at infiltrating the Brits.

Yeah, that's true.

He's moving in a lot of fucking high circles.

He's like, Oh, you're having a fucking ball there, are you?

And then he's turning around and he's going to fucking Einstein and the boys.

That's when the fucking ball get the fucking bomb in there, Chairman Mao.

Get a bomb created.

So we go Wolf Tone,

Guy Fox, Chairman Mao, Oppenheimer, Einstein, and we go Patty Hearst, Robert LeBruce, James McLean, and James Conley, two packs more,

and McJaggart as their first 11.

That's going to be a cracking chest tattoo.

And that's that question was from Marty Boy.

So thanks very much.

If someone could set that up on their fucking FIFA team or their championship manager, that would be great.

Can I also just have a conversation here?

Because you two toured together for how long?

18 months?

It's felt like that, if not more.

Was it 16 months, maybe some of that?

Right.

Okay, a matter of weeks' difference thereby.

Right, so we'll call it 18 months for the purposes of this.

And quite a lot happened in our group chat when I would come in and ask you what was happening.

You would tell me about your spa weekends and your Babs obsession and your snacks.

A lot of snacks.

Still got got 40 hours to go on the Barbara Streisand.

And so I've listened to like nine hours.

Jesus.

She really, she really holds a grudge.

All women do.

I don't know if you know this as a man.

I think as a man of your age, I think you should probably know this, right?

That all women like we do.

That's why Thatcher wouldn't fucking let them in the maze, wear their normal clothes, because she was fucking raging about Naive.

Of course.

Do you know what I mean?

Like, she's a fucking child.

Let it go, baby.

Let it go.

Just

chilled it go.

Someone could have just chilled her out, man.

The right music, the right night.

The right jazz.

A pet of joy.

Are you a bit of cannabis?

Anyway.

You feel that, Maggie?

I wouldn't.

I would love to seduce Maggie Thatcher.

Time seducer.

You and John Claude Van Dan

Mike and double team Thatcher.

We've aborted Hitler.

Now we're going to seduce Thatcher.

So, my concern is.

Dennis Rodman guessed that I have not been on tour with

you both and I'm a little bit

I'm a little bit interested to see how this pans out.

I think it would pan out fine.

I think if anything it would be slightly too gay for you.

Yeah.

You would be alienated by the

campness.

Yeah, you would find it distasteful.

We'll get Barbara if we could.

Yes.

Our Irish.

I would like Barbara to be there because I feel then that I would have someone with a bit of commonality.

She's a big Susan McCabe fan.

I'm a big Barbara fan.

Not Babs, because that's what you call her.

She's a fine driver, a driving instructor.

This will be confusing.

Earlier, we were talking about Barbara Streisen.

Now we're talking about

Barbara.

One's Irish.

But the chances of them thinking Barbara Streisen's driving is about.

You know, I always love it.

Tibet Slavic's.

Tea by her the most fair coconut ice cream you ever had in your life.

Coffee ice cream.

She only eats coffee ice cream.

She's fucking not having coconut ice cream.

it's too waxy

i would be all in for someone else one driving us because you none of you two have got a driver's license

uh which means i would need to drive you i'm considering learning well just keep considering uh today you managed to leave your bag in the restaurant so i think driving lessons are still a wee bit further down the line for you i don't know it's not like i'm gonna leave my car and be half down the motorway and go off my car back there

frankie uh what's your thoughts on that because i'm not convinced he did once come on tour to some gigs that he wasn't performing at when yeah remember like brighten

it wasn't supposed to be you but you just turned up and jumped in the car and then we had to get rid of the support act that was supposed to be doing it

what yeah

what a hoop i was wondering why you just went more like oh we're here come get us and i was like like, no, where's your car park?

You just turned up and you forced your way onto that bell.

Listen, it's so pissed.

Yeah.

You can't play easy.

You've got to play hard.

Wow.

To get?

Hey, how you doing?

Prudence Andy here.

Thank you for listening to another episode of Here Comes the Guillotine with Frankie Boyle, Susie McCabe, and Christopher MacArthur Boyd.

Susie and Christopher are playing Edinburgh Fringe this summer, so if you want to head along, head to their socials for more information.

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