Here Comes The Mighty Helm of Balathor (Part Four)

Here Comes the Guillotine contains offensive language, mature content, and adult themes.

It is not suitable for a younger audience.

This is a Global Player Original Podcast.

Hello, and welcome to part four of Here Comes the Mighty Helm of Balathor, a Dungeons and Dragons offshoot of the podcast.

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This is...

Can I try and do the roll call?

You can do it.

This is a tabletop role-playing adventure performed by Rab Florence as DM, aka Dungeon Master, as well as the actor Louise Stewart.

And...

Frankie's son, Thor, as well as myself and Frankie, on an adventure.

That was me attempting to do the Roko after Frankie had done it for three.

We hope you enjoy it.

You can see why I don't do them.

Peace and love and the new millennium.

Who wants to roll first?

I roll first.

So, how many dice do you want to roll, Wizard?

Four.

He's gonna roll four.

Lucky four.

May you roll high, sir.

And may you not get a one in any of these.

He stands by.

You take up dice, roll them on his desk.

Oh!

Fuck.

You got a six, a four, a two,

and a one.

I'm afraid you're out, sir.

Thanks for playing.

But he's not dead.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

No, not at all.

Now, who else wants to take a turn?

Well, you all gotta take a turn.

That door doesn't open.

I'll go for seven.

I got a good feeling about this.

I got a good feeling about this.

I like this.

I like this guy.

Make it roll.

What have we got?

You got a four,

a three,

a five, a two,

a four,

a five,

and a win.

I'm afraid you lose, sir.

Thank you for playing, sir.

How you know he uses wins.

Now, the nice thing is, they both lost.

Maybe you don't have to roll so many dice.

Yeah, I don't think I've.

How many do you want to roll?

I gotta roll one.

Could you play me a little bit of music?

Yeah, yeah.

In particular genre?

Hip-hop and RV.

Just play something of your choice.

Could you sing me a little song, maybe?

in the magical dungeon

and I hate

being stuck with these bunnies.

They're all alkies and they're orphans

and they're fucking

being sick.

They're all stinking.

I know there's an old man

in a who.

Beautiful.

Thank you, thank you.

How many dice do you wanna roll?

One!

One.

Okay, she's rolling one dice.

You take the bone, you get ready to roll, you step up to his desk and you roll it.

Oh, thank God.

Almost like we got a leader.

Thank God.

Three points.

That's gotta be a high scoring.

Okay, kid.

You're done chucking up your guts.

I guess I rolled two dice.

Two dice?

Wow.

Is it that important to you to repeat this guy here?

You want to risk even more harm?

Really compared.

Oh, geez.

Oh.

Lucky see you got

one of your dice here.

You got a four.

And then the other one, you got a one, which means you lose.

Wow.

You're the winner.

Congratulations.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

I'll give you your prize now.

Goes under his desk.

He pulls out this length of fabric.

Let me put this on you.

Oh, thank you.

It's silver, it's got purple and blue stripes on it in the length of the fabric.

Gorgeous, thank you.

Can you show you how this goes on?

Thank you very much.

He puts it around your neck.

He ties it.

Okay.

Just a nice

neck tie.

Nice neck tie now.

Puts it up.

Look at that.

Look at you.

You look fantastic.

How do you look?

Good.

You look wonderful.

Yeah.

Well fashing.

Thanks for playing.

I wish you the best of luck in the rest of your travels here.

Do you want to

give us any advice for the rest of the journey at all?

Or any tips?

Well, one of the first things I would say is: when you meet someone, ask them the name.

It's only polite.

I did, but I ignored.

What's your name?

It's only polite.

I did.

You said you asked my name, my name is Bartolomeu.

Bartolomew.

They call me Black Bartolomeu.

And be polite.

Would you know anything about Sleeper?

It goes quiet.

So the doors to you.

Sorry if I've offended you, May.

I just uh no no offense taken, but I would I would rather you just left the room now, please, thank you.

We could cast sleep on everything such as body.

Give me another drink.

I gave you the wine.

Okay.

Could you make a wee perception check?

No,

Ooh, four plus nice.

Okay, the door's over there.

Uh, you wouldn't mind leaving me a little bit of that drink, would you?

Just a little bit.

Yeah, I mean, why not, you know?

Here you go.

I feel like we have similar tones in our voice.

Yeah.

They will come from different places, but.

Well, I'll be seeing you.

Hard lives for hard little guys.

Hard little guys.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

If we could all stop flirting

this adventure.

Can I like, is there anything about this scarf?

That's...

Is it just a bit of fabric?

Can I detect a bit of magic?

Yeah.

Remember what you'll be using up another spell slot if you want to do that.

Oh, so I'm.

Nah, nah, I don't care that much.

It looks nice.

I'm going to use my throttle me or something.

Yeah.

Before you leave, have you fought a skeleton yet?

No.

Okay, then you'll fight him in there.

Thanks very much, Mate.

I really appreciate that, you know?

Well, it's not a dungeon without a skeleton, so.

Okay.

Could we have a sleep here?

Can I

call it

a spongy moss?

Now,

I don't actually mind you having a sleep here if you want to have a sleep.

Yeah, go ahead and wait for us to lie down.

Perhaps we should summon a snake.

Yeah, well, you can do that.

As long as you don't interfere with my work, I don't mind it.

We'll just palver in the corner.

This nap in this.

Okay.

We seem to have reached the entrance.

We've fallen asleep

so far.

Are we all resting, or should we have a watch?

How much do we trust this guy?

Well, I have a watch.

That's what the snake's good for as well.

You can't.

Okay.

With it and shift.

With the snake.

So who's got to sleep first?

I'll stay up because I'm full hit points now.

Okay.

I want a kip, I want my spell sloppy.

And you want he's intending just almost like having a night's sleep.

Is that the yeah,

just uh, I mean, no.

A long rest.

Without a long rest.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

He seems nice.

He seems nice.

I don't mind a guy.

It's mysterious.

Biff all of you.

Well, I mean, is everybody happy enough to sleep?

Should I stay up?

I'm quite perceptive and you know

we'll take two watches.

I don't have anything to gain from a long rest.

I need you to sleep.

I guess I get my lay-on-hands hit points back.

I don't sleep so much, I'm haunted by dreams of my dead warfare.

Oh god!

You start to settle down and Bartholomew just gets back to his his ledger, you just hear him kind of scribbling, he occasionally looks up towards you and has a wee smile.

If anybody wants to lie on the big table in the middle you can go there if you want if it's more comfortable.

You don't want to be down on the floor with the ants and

come on out.

Stick with the ants.

Okay well I would you find yourself bizarrely even though you're in such a strange place or quite happily drifting off into sleep.

Yes?

Yeah.

I'm keeping watch.

You're keeping watch though.

Are we doing pounds or are you just doing it?

I'll just.

So they all drift off to sleep and you're sitting and

Bartholomew's just sitting there.

Maybe occasionally you share some wee stories during the night and kind of regale yourselves with, you know,

these stories of kind of past traumas.

And

you can restore your spell slots now and stuff.

Anybody that's

used them.

Can you make another constitution roll as well?

Wonderful.

14 plus 2.

It's a very restorative sleep for you as well, so you lose your freezing condition.

That is fabulous.

And eventually time passes.

Make a perception check.

That is the wrong one.

9.

Wait.

Is it?

Oh shit.

Okay, seven plus.

Two is nine.

So you're just keeping watch and just everything's quite smooth, and eventually they start to come out of their sleep.

Now,

you've been dreaming while you're being asleep.

I certainly have.

You've been dreaming while you've been asleep.

I'd like you to make a perception check as well to

get your wisdom.

On our own twenties.

Yeah, 20.

So that's six.

Eight.

Eight.

We are so unperceptive.

You always wake up as well like wanting to

share a dream whenever you wake up for sleep.

You're just that kind of guy, I think.

I dreamt of a huge eagle

that became my friend.

I was a boy living in a valley.

I befriended an eagle.

And then one day I took him to the top of the highest local mountain to release him.

And he carried me with him in his huge huge talons and I looked down and I saw the whole country spread before me and then he dropped me

and I awoke.

Wow.

What do you think it means?

My guy's really trying to decode what the spiritual meaning of that is.

He thinks it has some deeper meaning to do with tear

specifically.

It's kind of like when my wife

dropped me, you know, by dying.

I don't think it has meaning.

I'm a strict Freudian.

So, Bartholomew is no.

Okay, so I can't offer you any food or anything.

You'll have to find out later in your journey.

But I hope you had a restorative sleep, and I hope you found the company pleasant.

What a nice man.

Sweetheart.

So scrubbing in his ledger.

For someone who played a game with us where we would die,

you're not a bad fellow, Barcelona.

Now, wait a minute.

I didn't say anybody would die for real,

okay?

So,

come on.

Can I ask you what would have happened if I would have rolled two ones?

Well, we'd have had a bit of fun.

I'd have had a bit of fun.

But

believe me, there is no harm that can come to you.

In a whole dungeon.

Well,

in here.

That's all I gotta say.

Now please move on.

Okay.

Oh.

Sure.

Oh,

let's have a hug.

You wanna do that?

Yeah.

I don't usually touch people or.

Okay.

Let's have a hug.

Come on.

I've had a really nice, really nice evening.

Really nice evening.

We've got through what, four rooms, we've hugged and all three.

Thanks, Paul.

Make a perception check.

Oh, no.

We managed to still not perceive anything on this check.

I don't think we've ever perceived anything.

Oh for fuck's sake, seven.

And then, was it the perception?

All you've managed to perceive is that it was quite a nice hug.

That's quite a bit.

It was a nice hug, so very hard.

Tender hug.

I wish you the best of luck.

I hope you will.

Thanks.

Get us all out of this mess.

I think.

Forward roll on to the next thing.

Are we getting out of here?

These are moving on.

Thanking for his

company.

Upon Fall Drone.

I'm doing the Kinski turn.

You know, like Klaus Kinski used to spin into shot.

So

I'm going to grab the door jam and I'm going to Kinski turn into the next room.

Well the minute you do that

you hear a

loud

booming voice like before you can even perceive anything in the room properly you hear this booming voice filling your ears announcing

welcome to the grand skeleton fight room.

Please enjoy your battle with the skeletons.

The room is empty.

In the corner of the room, there is a glass and iron box that looks kind of like something you might grow plants in.

You recognise this for some of you.

You've kind of journeyed through high society a wee bit in your youth.

Yeah, yeah.

And there's two doors leading away from the room, one in the north door, one in the east.

But the room is

empty

any skeletons

is the sign still in the room that was like your part went into the dungeon

what is it is it a new room i thought we'd come back into the hallway no we've gone to a different room

so there's only a plant in the room no

it's this glass and iron box type structure that's in the corner of the room that looks like something you would grow right there is something in it that looks like something you would grow plants in.

You kind of recognise that.

It has decorative iron on it.

Right, okay.

My money's on it containing a skeleton.

I think after last time my guy investigated a thing, he's sort of shying back.

I think one of you guys are going to have to.

I've tapped the glass.

Oof!

Going over to the glass and giving a tap

with my dagger.

The hout on my dagger.

I just tap the glass quite gently.

Well, you go over it, and the minute you get to it, you can see what's inside.

There are flowers and pots growing inside it.

There's also coming from the ground a large iron lever.

Recognise it immediately as a lever.

You've operated so many locks and levers in your time.

There's also

a door in the box.

A little handle, little decorative round iron handle that you immediately see can be hung and owned, allowing you entry

should you so wish.

My best again get in this.

How big is it?

Is it like or something?

A coffin?

It's big enough that five or six people could stand on.

Alright.

Well, how many?

What?

Sounds to me like there might be five or six skeletons in here.

Well,

we all have skeletons inside us, so yeah.

There's at least ten.

I think, including us, there's a lot of skeletons in this room.

Do we open the door?

Yeah, I think opening the door is...

Do we pull the lever?

But is the lever not inside or is the lever outside?

A lever insists upon itself.

Lever it's that kind of thing.

Hopefully if we pull the lever out.

And remember, fuck off.

Remember there is also a door in the north wall and another door in the east wall that is not the door you came through.

Right.

So two doors leading away to this room as well.

So how close is the lever to the box?

It's inside the box.

It's inside the box.

So you need to open the box to get the lever.

I've got that rope.

That's what I was thinking.

I was like, is there a way to distance yourself from

rope economy?

I have mage hand.

Oh well.

I could see my magical mage hand pulled with a lever.

Is that a cantrip?

It's a cantrip, yes.

Yeah, I might as well mage hand it.

I think the mage hand's the way to go, because I would like to use this rope for something potentially suicidal.

I want to pimp slap someone with this mage hand.

You know, spell slaps.

So, mage hand, just to

clarify for everybody, is a spectral floating hand

that appears at a point you choose within range.

You can use the hand to manipulate an object, open an unlocked door.

Yeah, that's fantastic.

I'd love to see this be manipulated.

Yeah, yeah.

So, you open the door of the box?

Opening the door with my mage hand.

So, So then that with the mage hand as well.

Right, beautiful.

Okay.

And then lever.

Lever.

Mage hand goes in, pulling the lever.

Yep.

So this spectral hand wraps its long, beautiful, like long

ghostly fingers.

They're on that slot.

Wraps around the lever and slowly pulls the lever back

and releases.

Nothing happens.

Maybe there's some kind of mechanism that requires weight on the floor of the thing before you may join it.

Well do you want to make

a check now and have a look?

Because you're used to in your journey you're used to pressure plates and traps and

is this a perception check?

Or is this a

insight maybe?

Anyway it's like eight so

it's pointless.

But but but even like T, you have a trained eye and stuff, so it doesn't look as if there's anything.

It's actually got a decorative floor, it's got the floor is kind of tiled and decorative, and you're thinking to yourself, maybe unlikely there's a mechanism here.

I'll kind of deny this kind of continuity of this beautiful kind of filigree that's.

Do you think we all have to be in the box?

But

I'm purely the narrator of, I don't know what I think.

Do you think we all have to be in the box to pull the labour?

We're just all getting in the little box.

It's piled up so hard to get it.

At least somebody has to be in the box.

My guess is

whoever goes in the box becomes the skeleton and we need to fight one of us in skeleton form.

Who's the most useless?

Is that most useless?

I think it's probably a lift.

Yeah.

I think that you're gaining the right to do the adventure fucking much.

Is there buttons in the lift?

In the box?

What is a lever?

I said the box was big enough for like five or six.

No, it sounds a lot like a lift.

It sounds like a lift, yeah.

Five or six poor people in the spin.

I think we should also get a lift to the skeletons.

The doors, there's the doors as well.

We haven't checked the doors.

I'm getting a good feeling for this part, so I would understand.

We've planned into a danger we don't know anything about.

Let's get into a mysterious box together.

Yeah, seems like something this group would do.

Life is for living.

That's true.

Is your hand still, is your magic hand still floating around?

It's wrapped around the lever.

Okay, these are all getting in the box.

Yeah,

as a gang, as a folk.

Right, so you all get inside the box, squeeze in, get comfy with each other, and you're in.

No response from the box.

You get get a closer look at the plants now that are in you.

They're beautiful plants.

But they're wee.

They're wee kind of.

They have wee mouths on them.

Like little fly traps.

They're sitting just open, mouths open and ready.

They better not eat our skin.

Turn us into scales.

I feel we pull the leaf.

We see what happens.

Pour wine on plants.

Well, for an alcoholic, we're really after wasting this this wine.

I think we got in this lift before we knew there were teeth

flesh-eaten plants inside the pot.

I haven't got up out.

To be fair, they don't look to you like they'll know like they look like plants, they look like flowers like plants.

They don't look like they don't have like teeth or they don't look like creatures.

And they're like a bell.

Look at it.

I haven't got two nature, but this is a little bit of a pot.

in the pots.

They're pretty.

They're pretty and decorative.

You should give them a chance.

I've actually pulled the lever, see what happens.

Give plants a chance.

Give plants a chance.

Let's just pull the lever and what's the worst that happens.

You just throw their flesh off and they've become skeleton.

I'm happy to be that skeleton.

What for that?

Maybe two of us should stay out or something.

And then what?

Two of us stay out, two of us pull the lever.

I feel we just had to commit to this decision and start.

Hi, everybody's in.

I mean, what's the the worst I could have?

Really?

I've just gotten a long sword and this is the one.

Who's pulling the lever?

Are you going to use Dungeons and Dignitas?

I've had a change of heart.

I'm having a panic.

I'm slapping all the way.

I'm going to win those doors.

We should find me and try the doors.

It's not like there aren't doors.

Let's just tell it.

Right, well, let's go see if there's any skeletons in the other rooms.

You probably see cowardly demeanour about your character.

Why is is that?

Okay.

Plus one.

So you don't leave again.

Nobody's going to leave, are we sure?

Plus close.

You must be going to leave her, didn't you?

My guy's getting a bit frustrated at the.

Why don't you say in him to leave it?

No,

he's not going to be a little bit slowed.

He's going to be the progress of this quest.

He's spewed and he's had a nap and now he's fucking angry.

He's a young buck.

No patience.

Right, he's getting it.

Yeah, I think we're all.

Okay, aren't we?

Well, you've got two other doors that you can explore if you so wish.

Let's check out the one that goes back into the

east that we just came from.

There's another one going that way.

Can we have a is that maybe Bartholomew's staff room or something?

Maybe we peek in there.

Forward roll into there?

Forward rolling again.

Yeah.

Okay.

You go to that door, you try to do your trademark binary trade, and everybody's recognised it as such.

Your trademark forward roll, right?

But the door doesn't open.

It opens a little, but it doesn't open almost as if if there's some kind of force resisting against it on the other side.

So I'm just upside down on the floor.

So you've just kind of

put yourself in a bit wedged position than that.

I think if we all four would roll it once,

we might be able to force the door.

Oh, yeah.

But we'd just push it a bit.

Yeah, push it a bit.

I think.

I probably have got high strength.

Mage handed.

Is your hand still going?

It's flying about, yeah.

How long does that kick about?

I think it can kick about.

I think you can keep.

I mean,

it cannot be much.

I occasionally tap one of you on the shoulder.

Like the hand canny attack, it can activate magic items, it can't carry more than 10 pounds.

So, you know.

It can carry stuff.

It's good.

It's quite handy.

You're just going to have a book.

I'm just going to kick it.

Have a boot at the door.

Yeah.

Yeah, make us just a strength.

Seven.

So

you boot at the door and it shifts

a little bit but doesn't open.

I just gotta get in.

I'm gonna just show her it.

Our restaurant is 13.

I was getting in there.

18.

18.

So you shoulder it.

Falgra shoulders it.

And the door

pushes open enough now for you to get in.

And you realise now that the door's been sandbagged, it looks like there's been sacks pushed against it from the inside.

You can see in the corner of the room in here, there's two beds.

And the two beds are covered with bones.

There's bones scouted all over the floor.

Well,

right,

there's weapons resting against the wall.

On a bedside table, there's a jar with another one of the glowing insects in it illuminating the space.

Almost like we nightlight,

and that's all you can see.

Nines have been

forward rolled in yet.

These have just unsettled this door.

I think these skeletons are asleep.

What do you think?

Those skeletons are asleep.

Well,

They're either dormant or...

Because why would they sandbag the door unless they were trying to keep something out?

I think whatever, the sleeper or whatever.

These are the sleepers, the skeletons.

Oh yeah, maybe.

I don't think the sleepers the skeletons.

No.

No.

It's a pretty bad sign if skeletons have sandbagged the door to keep something out.

But maybe they were alive.

And they're dying and they're red.

Hiding from whatever.

I think they still had asleep, even though.

That's what I would do.

I think

how shit he was at opening that door.

My guy charges in first.

Are you going to charge yourself?

I don't know that we need to go in.

You don't need to prove yourself.

Alright, you're amongst

friends here.

We're not the most masculine group.

You do not need to prove yourself, son.

We get the jar, bring it in, feed the bug to the plant.

What the fuck are you talking about?

That's the worst idea I've ever had.

We've got...

We've got

two bug-eating plants.

We've got a bug.

Maybe we can charm this plant and lift

by feeding it a luminous.

I would argue bug eating is something you've completely made up.

I don't know, I like this idea.

I like this idea.

So let's plunge the room where we might have to fight the skeletons into total darkness.

Maybe...

Send the mage hand in.

Send the mage hand in, get the bugs.

Get out bugs.

Feed the bugs.

One bug.

It's one bug.

I don't think that's a strategy at all.

What do you want?

I think check the other door

and hope there aren't skeletons there.

Can we close that door?

Yeah, let's close the door.

There will be a skeleton fight.

And when that happens, you want to make sure you've fed any sources of light to a planet.

Okay, fair point.

First point.

There will be a skeleton fight.

Let's check the other room.

Forward will light the other room.

Okay.

Are you going to believe in this door?

I'm going to say gently.

Closing this dole.

Okay,

who's closing the door?

I'll close the door.

Right, do you want to make a wee stealth check for me?

I've got a disadvantage from stealth.

Don't have to roll again for disadvantage.

Why do you have disadvantage from stealth?

Is it because of your chainmail?

Oh, for fuck's sake.

Yeah, roll again for disadvantage.

Six.

So you pull the door, close, and as you do, your chainmail

just kind of catches on the side of the door there.

and

I'm sorry guys.

The room seems to remain silent on the inside.

Seems seems

as a you're heading towards the other door.

Yep.

Yep, forward roll.

Through the door.

You approach the other door, the door in the the north wall,

pull it open

and

when you open it,

coins

spill out

from behind the door

or at your feet, or on your feet.

The dungeon seems to be starting to get in kind of greater disrepair.

You can further your travel in

stones are a wee bit more warm,

brickworks come in a wee bit more loose, wear,

damper.

In this room, where coins are scarred all the floor

or is it hallway or is it what is it exactly?

Appears to be a featureless dead end.

It's about five feet in front of you and see a wall behind this door.

But looking up you can see that high above

the corridor seems to continue that way and I'm talking about like 40 feet above you, 30, 40 feet.

The corridor seems to continue above.

There are many many coins at your feet now.

Piles and piles of them.

Jackpot, yes!

Let's take all these coins.

Have I got like a rucksack, haven't I?

Yeah.

Can the thievery, the thievery, before I get my rope of climbing out to ascend this, which is what I'd like to do, can I stick some coins in my rucksack or something?

Sure, you start to pick up the coins, you start to notice as well, you're like you're examining them as you're picking them up.

This feels like a classic adventure folly.

Yeah.

I would have best have gotten a major hand to

an error we must make.

As you pick them up, you can see that

you know they have like a head of some kind of ruler on the front of them.

This is often the

situation with coins, as you know, some kind of king or lord or whatever on the front.

But on the back,

this is a different thing on the back.

It's a person's face facing forward on the back and printed on the coin.

And around their face, and words printed around

the coin's edge.

It's words.

I wish to see my love again.

One of them says.

You look at another one.

It says, the goat must produce milk this year, I beg.

You look at another one.

I wish that she will remember my face now that I am dead.

Another one, please make these bombs stop and my family safe.

Another one: I wish all these bastards would rot.

Every single one you pick up has got a different face, different words are on the edge.

Did not touch the cursed coins.

These are oceans.

Are we in a genie's room or something like that?

Ah, the famous coins you threw to a GP.

Coming from a wishing well.

Oh yeah.

I look up and go, all right,

that's what we're in.

I suppose we're in some well.

We're in a jeez well.

Right.

I'm going to use my rope of climbing.

Raoke, explain to everybody how a rope of climbing is used.

Let me just read this out.

This 60-foot length of silver rope weighs £3

and can hold up to £3,000.

If you hold one end of the rope and use an action to speak the command word, the rope animates.

As a bonus action, you can command the other end to move towards the destination you choose.

That end moves 10 feet on your turn when you first command it, and 10 feet on each of your turns until reaching its destination up to its maximum length away or until you tell it to stop.

You can also tell the rope to fasten itself securely to an object or to unfasten itself.

So I'm looking up and I'm seeing what looks like a kind of classic genie's well up there.

I'm going to attach it to the hang that drops a rope like bucket down.

I'm going to fasten it on this.

Can I look up?

I was assuming.

You're assuming a lot to the genie's well.

You're assuming a lot.

Can I peer up and kind of try and see what I can attach to up there?

Yeah, does it say you have to attach?

Does it say you have to attach?

You can also tell the rope to fasten itself securely to an an object or to unfasten itself.

I think so.

Okay.

Maybe.

You also can tell it to become knotted and it loses a bit of length, but it's easier to climb for everybody.

Okay.

If the rope drops to zero hit points, it is destroyed, unfortunately.

Well, you don't see anything above you that it can attach to it.

Right.

Well, if it just takes one end of the rope, so the mage hand.

What we really need is for the mage mage hand to lift a snake up there.

But if mage hand could hold it up there and we could climb up.

But then it can't, the mage hand can't hold

any more than that.

Oh,

the ten pound limits, why I can't use it to beat off.

Right.

Cheers.

Well, I don't know this.

I was so.

But there's nothing up there that's.

I mean.

It looks to you when you look...

When you look up, you know,

it's dark up there, right?

But when you look up, it just is like a shaft that rises up and then you can see that it continues that way.

But it's brick and stone.

There's no any, you don't see any hooks or anything that you could...

Some kind of paint yourself in the sunny.

So it's a straight shaft.

And then...

So basically it's like it's just as if it was a washing well.

There's nothing here actually.

There's nothing.

Is there any point getting up there?

Does that mean to me the purpose of the entire game that we're playing, if I tell you?

No, don't fucking bother going up.

But it's like a straighten up.

Straight up.

No, it goes up.

Straight up, and then you can see that the corridor seems to continue that way.

Oh, right, okay, right.

How long is it?

It looks about 30-40.

Yeah.

Using a burglar.

Using my burglar kit, which I'm assuming, I'm an assumer, but I can scale buildings, surely.

Do you want to try and climb it?

I would love to use my skills of a burglar.

Can I put forward an alternative suggestion?

Okay.

One of us, perhaps the one with the most hit points, goes and uses the lift.

rope up and he ties it to something.

Right, okay.

I'm happy to attempt the lift

as the one with the most hit points.

It's gonna be really sad if you're just dead.

If I get another question,

this is what you're gonna do.

I'm guessing it's gonna motivate all of you, the death of this poor child.

He's gotta learn somehow, you know.

True, you know.

New adventurer.

Death is a great cheat, teacher.

Unless one of you wants to come with me.

Right.

How about

yeah, you used to go and sort that out and we'll stay here.

You'll chill.

And the wishing will.

So you two are going back into the room with a lift.

Yes.

If indeed it is a lift.

And the major hand as well, ruffling our hair.

Okay, so you approach the box.

You are just waiting in the genie as well.

Yeah, yeah.

So you approach the box, getting inside.

Yeah, yeah.

Stepping inside, you can see that just be the presence, just be your presence,

those wee mouths on the plants just turn slightly towards you.

Very slightly.

Just almost in the shift in air pressure, they can sense that kind of stuff coming in these kind of things.

I would say about

five feet square.

Okay.

It's not right.

Let's hit the old lever.

Get up there.

Alright, let's just hit the lever so you can forward row that.

Roll the lever.

Yeah.

You're pulling it?

Yeah.

Pull the lever back,

just like that ghostly hand did before, the mage hand.

And nothing happens.

You let it it go.

It returns to its position.

Now you've got to feed the guys.

See if you've got to feed him that bug.

Well, I'll be sure.

I think it might be a little shop of horrors type scenario.

Also, what would happen if has anybody tried just flipping?

I don't think anybody's tried it.

Obviously, you could shout to Hammer, flip one of your plants.

Or even just stick your finger in its mouth and see what happens.

I think that would be a move.

Put your pinky in.

What's your least valuable thing?

Put your pinky in.

This guy has already been poisoned.

This gullible paladin is going to put his finger in the mouth.

Oh, no, wait, maybe we should make the mage hand do it.

Can you make the mage hand do it?

Stick the mage hand's finger in its mouth.

Which is getting really good.

You stick your finger in one of the men.

Sure, sure.

I've been told to do it in this.

Okay, so

you can't resist

Dana.

And you've listened, you see, in your time as a paladin as well,

you've seen a lot of these kind of plants before.

So, you know, this is not just a completely mindless act of

self-annihilation.

So you put your finger into the mouth of the V thing, and it immediately reacts when you put your finger in, gives a twitch, a move.

You can feel a sticky substance.

A sticky substance, but then it

then almost kind of relaxes again and its

mouth goes back to the neutral position, almost as if it's lost interest in your finger.

Bugs are born.

Listen,

get that bug.

Steal that bug for their skeletons.

Don't wake the sleeper.

Maybe it has the stealthy.

If this is how it works, man.

I just want to say,

outside the hangman of the game here,

Chris, the 60-foot length of rope can hold up to 3,000 pounds.

While holding one end of the rope, you can take a magic action and command the other end of the rope to animate and move towards the destination you choose up to the rope's length away from you, right?

That end moves 10 feet in your turn when you first command it and it'll keep going.

I don't think it specifically says that the other end has to pile on the end.

So maybe I've had another look at my rope

and you've had

anguish and just stick track.

Yeah.

I think you can, you know, maybe pop it.

I think you're struggling there though with the.

I need to think about this.

I think the fact that you've struggled a wee bit there with how it works,

I think maybe you should make some kind of insight check

before you, you know, before you make that discovery, I think that would be right.

I think I'm pretty insightful.

No, it's having it toilet.

But you do also have somebody with you here in this place who does have a wee bit more familiarity with magic.

So somebody make a fucking decent rope.

12

insight plus two.

Okay, so you're thinking to yourself, wait a minute, this

maybe seems like something can just be commanded or can be.

So

a working with this rope just now trying to work out how exactly

how exactly it can be operated.

Now back to you two at this lift.

I say we if indeed that is a lift.

We jump out the lift.

I think now the bug is beside to awake skeletons.

Are you sending the mage hand in there

to grab it?

Or do we just have to fight these skeletons?

But don't we then release the skeletons?

I think I, because I think

maybe,

well,

I

think they've woke up.

I feel like we've done a decent bit of work on some skeletons.

I reckon we could.

My guy's up for a fight right now.

Because we haven't started to claim any, have we?

We've just been

in the middle of the moment.

We've not communicated with you that you've got to do.

Yeah, I think you need to communicate with each other what is going on here.

You having to determine your information about the leverpool and you two having to...

Do we all go up this rope

Later

when we are doing that.

But maybe

I'll just go up a record and come back then.

Or maybe the skeleton room's got some stuff that we need for

later on, you know?

I think so.

What is the name of the room?

The great

skeleton battle room.

The skeleton battle room.

But we're currently a very lightly equipped group of entertainers

and an inexperienced Albuquerque.

I've got a rope.

Do you want me to play the bagpipes to see if they wake up?

I think they're all doing it.

Is that the objective?

Is they'll take it away?

Because I think bagpipes will definitely do it.

That's I mean, these are assuming a lot of things here.

These are assuming a lift.

These are assuming that these bones scattered on this bed are skeletons.

Um

should we just get up this rope?

Stay men there and kill these.

Get the skeletons.

Get in that room.

If we leave, I'm going to steal a bone.

Let's go look in this room, get this bug.

It's like

really.

Right, we've realised the true nature of the rope.

Okay.

But to tell the other two, we go through their putter fingers and bugs and

things like that, of that nature.

And we kind of go, let's go in the skeleton room and see if they're really skeletons or if they're corpses or if we can have the bug.

Okay, what's your marching order?

What's your marching order?

So you're forward-rolling it?

Yes.

No, I don't forward-rolling.

Tringularly open the door, I'll see if they're going to be able to do it.

Stealthily forward-roll into this room.

Okay, you're going to stealthily forward-roll in, and you're in the lead in marching order.

I'm at the back.

Yes.

Right, okay.

I want you to

roll a stealth check then, and I want you to roll at a disadvantage because you're forward rolls.

So two rolls and two jumbos.

That's 13.

Five plus seven is 12.

You gently forward roll in through the door, right?

And immediately,

right?

Immediately you hear a sigh.

Is it the listener?

And then the bone.

The bones.

The bones start to

shake, join, animate, move together, assemble and these two skeletons start to move up off the beds and you can see that they're weary and almost quite reluctant.

Did that sigh come from the skeletons?

Well yeah, it came from the room, yeah.

Skeletons don't have lungs.

Or they get

and stand, get to their feet and they start to reach for their weapons.

Aye lads.

Roll for initiative.

11.

15.

18.

16.

What have we got?

19.

19 for.

And you would have to figure these skeletons or something.

Well, you were promised it.

Yeah.

15.

Yourself?

I was 16 then, I think.

11 plus 5.

And Pedro?

18.

18.

And I think probably we should conduct this fight in the next session because it might take a minute.

Thank you for listening to Here Comes the Mighty Helm of Balathor, part 4 with Frankie Boyle, Christopher MacArthur Boyd, Louise Stewart, Dungeon Master Rav Florence, and Frankie's son Thor.

This episode was recorded at Sloan's Bar in Glasgow, produced by myself, Andy Log, and the music created by Michael Cameron and Michael Bell from the band Park Safely.

Tune in next week for part 5 of Here Comes the Mighty Helm of Balathor to find out how the gang get on with these skeletons.

You can get all the episodes of Here Comes the Guillotine on Global Player right now.

Search for Global Player on your app store or go to globalplayer.com.

This is a Global Player original podcast.