The Little Prince

Here Comes the Guillotine contains offensive language, mature content, and adult themes.

It is not suitable for a younger audience.

This is a Global Player Original podcast.

Hello, and welcome to Here Comes the Guillotine.

I'm Frankie Boyle, and I'm going to be talking to Susie McCabe, Christopher MacArthur Boyd.

And you give him money, and he'll go, oh, it's fine, everybody forgives you.

It's basically my dad's funeral.

Give him the priest, right?

Wait a time, but the priest.

So,

there was a trainee priest, right?

And then there was the actual priest.

So, the actual priest who I had obviously had the meetings with,

and he's like,

So it's £80 for the organist.

And I thought, I could play the fucking organ.

80 bucks?

80 bucks, right?

And I was like, That could go behind the bar for people to get a drink, right?

And I thought, right.

And he went, It's 80 pounds for the canter, like the singer who kind kind of chants the psalm and stuff.

And

he went, and if it's the same for the parish, so on the day of the funeral, prior to the funeral starting, old father comes over and he's like,

How you doing?

And I was like, I'm all right.

And he said to me, I just seen Kevin coming in there and I've just realized who you are and I'm like, this is not the time to be talking to me about fucking stand-up comedy.

Literally, my dad's coffin's about to come in.

You can't even say anymore in this

You're not last mashed in a free speech up there because you can't even

put it out there.

You're so fucking woke, McCain.

I bet your dad's glad he's dead.

Right?

So then,

and he goes, um, such and such.

And so he wasn't a priest because he was obviously in training because he was in like a kind of black cassock.

And then he put on his vestments, but the vestment didn't have any colour, it was just white.

And I was like, all right, he's a wee, he's a wee trainee, an apprentice priest, basically.

And uh so i says to him he goes he'll be doing the committal and i went all right okay right well i just give him the this envelope i've got at the crematorium and he literally right opened up my dad's order of service and he went no no if you just want to fire it in there and i'm like

okay

like fucking and then he's closing over the order of service and i was like you he's like the fucking mafia you lot man the tax man wants to have a look at these cunts i know do you know what i mean All these fivers and mask cards.

I'll tell you another thing that he had that I noticed in the way in when I was in the family car.

They've got fucking sky.

I'm like, I've just paid for that fucker sky subscription.

I am furious with the Catholic Church.

I feel as if, right, you've got...

your taxes like obviously you've got I mean it's quite expensive a funeral right and you've obviously got the whole

coffins and crematoriums and all that stuff going going on, right?

And that's not cheap.

And that's absolutely fine because that's what needs to happen.

But then it's like you get this additional Catholic tax.

And I'm like, what the fuck is in act?

Do you know what?

I phoned them on a Monday as well.

And the wee housekeeper said to me, oh no, Father's Day Off is a Monday.

And I'm like, how can you have a day off when your boss is omnipresent all the time?

It's a big day on a Sunday.

Do you know what I mean?

Rest up.

No these days.

No these days is

one mass.

I wonder if you're a cantor out there, or you're an organist, are you getting 80 bucks a pop or is the priest

stepping in?

He's the one who's not in like a certain comedy club.

But I once performed that where I remember they told me to pick up the cheque and we were all getting a hundred pound,

120 pound bill of four people, and the cheque was for £1,200.

And they'd taken, I mean, circa £700.

Is this comedy club still in the goal?

Oh, yeah, it is, yeah.

But I wonder if there's a bit of that going with the old priests.

Hi, they're charging 50 quid, and he's taking 30 bucks off the two of them and the same.

And I was going how many cunts are dying a month?

Do you know what I mean?

Because they're old.

That envelope was fucking thick, right?

And I was like, That much, much of you, uh, much of you gave the priest.

And she was like, I just gave him the same for what I did the other two.

And I was like,

is he just made 160 quid off my dead dad?

I couldn't believe it.

I was just like, this is fucking outrageous.

It's a form of showbiz, isn't it?

Really, a lot of the malarkey in the religious people.

Well, no, because his microphone technique was fucking terrible.

He was a pure mumbly mumbly.

And then the wee trainee priest, he was very enthusiastic.

But here was the thing: see, when we got to the crematorium and he was going to do the commital, the worst bit was because he wasn't in proper priest vestments and he was in training, he wore this purple sash and he just looked like he was in Star Trek.

Do you know what I mean?

I know the very thing.

Yes,

I knew you would.

I knew you would.

Crows are lying, Frankie.

No complete background checks yet.

I don't even know if they fucking do them anymore, to be honest with you.

Mumbly fumbly priest charging you 160 quid.

It's a franchise, essentially, isn't it?

So you've got the back and this, it's the McDonald's of religions.

And you make what you want.

Anything you can get into that with your mascard, that's yours the plate that's for the roof

and uh you know all the major stuff flows to us it's like being the manager of the four for mcdonald's oh geez some sense do you know what i mean like you have the overarching

uh umbrella capitalistic uh

security but ultimately you are in the wilderness or it's like brian clough you know you get a wee brown envelope now and again you scrabble what you can away at the side, and they take you know I notice how out of all the football managers that you could have mentioned, you've mentioned a dead one.

Well done,

you mentioned you went, I'm gonna pick a dead one just to make sure.

He was like a uniquely freakish manager, Cliff, wasn't he?

Well, he was great,

he was a character.

I've been

I don't know anybody, but I've heard of him.

Character means bit of a cunt, mental, yeah, yeah no it depends in scotland character probably covered a lot of what we would now call neurodivergence and or mental illness

i was thinking about this because my nana used to call me a queer hawk terrible oh wow and now i'm like

if anything you're queer prey

i'm queer dormouse

you're just going to get scooped up by a bear just puts you in his mouth and that's you takes you away and mulligates you i was thinking about this because my nana used to call me i used to think this was just a scottish expression sorry if i've said this before but my nana used to call me rats monkey face

and i always thought oh that'll just be like everybody's nana calls them rats monkey face but it's not was your nana a bit of a character yeah i would say so

your nana didn't like you did she

was this your mum's mum yeah right right yeah she hated you because she was like that's her now trapped in this marriage because she's had the second kid

that's what she's thought she's like

this fucking goblin is my grandson.

Nah, I was beloved by all those baby.

Aye, aye, that's what's true.

I can't believe that you were a little prince, Christopher.

You could never tell for the way you live your life.

Hard to imagine.

The Dauphin.

Little odd photo royal up here, buddy.

I

just sitting in a V cushion.

That's you.

Do you want to hear the theory I had on the way in?

You know, in the Puff Daddy, the Daddy coverage

and in the Russell Brand coverage, there was a lot of his eyes just turned black, they glazed over and he seemed to be no really there.

What if

their bodies are being taken over by

people from the future, aliens, whatever, who want to go on a kind of

I hesitate to use the phrase rape safari, but on some kind of human safari.

Time travelling,

um,

molestation,

sojourn,

the way that you could go on a day trip,

or maybe they sense themselves get taken over.

You're puffed at it, you feel the alien take you over

the future person, and you go, I'm gonna start committing sex crimes here because I have faith that in their base reality they'll be held to account.

And there's probably a whole kind of

there's a separate legal trial in whatever

place this entity dwells,

Or essentially, they're just powerful heterosexual men with a lot of money that could exploit their position.

I think heterosexual's pushing it in Diddy's case.

I think he's pan.

He's panning a lot of stuff.

It's powerful.

He's fine.

He sees it.

He's fucking panning it.

Did he do the bumming?

I don't think he did it.

There's audio bumming.

Wow.

That's crazy.

Can I recredit it?

Oh,

come on.

Jesus, that sounds like the fucking deliverance, man.

It's very much Beverly House deliverance.

Just looped up, everybody looped up.

Just lub up the pen.

You know, for all the loop in that house, it doesn't sound like this guy had enough luck.

Jesus.

Jesus.

Just my luck.

Bobby Dryber.

Ladys Morissette's ironic as well.

Wow.

What's that thought?

What's that thought?

What's that thought?

Is that what public transport does to you?

It does now because I'm in the kind of commuter train.

I'm like a fucking Reggie Perrin coming in from the suburbs now.

Used to be a subway guy, a city boy, now you're out now.

Out in the Sticks.

But it did mean I had a lovely hot tub last night with my extra space.

My dad came round, killed the garden, which is his way of showing love,

mowed everything down to a fucking stubble.

Including your hair.

And I had to be a hot tub and watch the movie.

It was pretty good.

That's a nice night.

And I went to, I was going home and

I nipped in to see my hairdresser

and he had just left.

And I'd sent him a retext.

He went, oh, I'm in the pub getting some food.

Come round.

Come round.

So we did.

I went round.

I had a little half pint of Guinness and a little old man's mug.

It was great.

And then we'd done the pub quiz.

It was good.

We won.

Wow.

We won.

So, right, I'm going to ask you this question.

Throws the ball.

So,

five questions in the last round, but you had to get a pointless answer.

A la Richard Osmond's game.

Right?

Nice.

So you either think out of the box or you go standard in the hope that nobody else would do it.

Right.

So,

here's a question.

In McDonald's, name something you would buy.

Pointless answer, please.

Apple slices.

I was going to go around it that way.

Still fanta is what my mum always got from the drive-through, and be like, That isn't a thing,

but it is.

I'll go for apple.

Sorry for stealing another one.

Ketchup.

Ketchup.

Mammate said, a bag.

A fucking great answer.

Great answer.

It is technically true.

It is technically true.

So, also, the average age was maybe about, I don't know, 25, 26 in the pub.

And they asked for a famous Daniel, and pretty much every team went, Daniel O'Donnell.

And we went, really, Daniel Fergus McGreen.

Nobody got that.

So this was an Irish boy.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

It was the Amsterdam, the Old Brunswick.

It was very funny.

Everybody said Daniel O'Donnell?

Now tell me this.

What do you class as a south paw?

A boxer who would set up

with their right foot forward and then come from the right hand

lead and have their left hand as their rear hand.

Yeah, I'd say a left hand boxer.

A left hand boxer, a left hand boxer, a left hand boxer.

This guy, this quiz master, tried to tell us it was right-handed and we went, No.

Well, it depends what he means.

He's standing on his right foot.

I has his left foot to the rear and he's set a button.

Not that, but you're but you're going to go with your left, aren't you?

If you're a South Paul, that's your power hand.

I

saw, and he said, Well, it's right.

And eventually, he realised that he was just fucked it and gave everybody the point.

Did he find out that you were a South Paw that night?

People who fight South Pot are left-handed.

Yes, yeah, but ultimately, all boxers are ambidextrous

to an extent.

Oh, until their brain falls in the

mushroom.

Then they can't do it.

They're a lot more ambidextrous than us.

And their brains are already mush.

I had a

quite scar.

I didn't do pub quizzes for many years because I had a

incident where I met up with some friends from school, went to, I believe it was,

where was it?

Was somewhere I was in Ashton Lane, Vodka Wodka, one of these places, whatever used to be

what's now innocent gun, and it was catch-up for a while, I think.

I hope this is really important to the story.

No, it's not.

The last five people that held a license for

the story occurs.

I just want people to picture it in their mind's eye, Frankie, right?

Okay, I remember I was reading the Wind-Up Bird Chronicle by Haruki Murakami, and then it was lightly made funnel for this, which is fine.

And then it got and it was like, what was Quentin Tarantino's first film?

And what would you say?

Well, I guess it's a trick, but I would have said Reservoir Dogs.

What would you say?

I would have agreed.

That's what everybody in my group said.

That's what I was like, no, I had a film before that.

That was like a student film.

This will be a trick question.

It's like my friend Vinney or something like that.

My cousin Vinny.

It's not called my cousin.

I I saw that different film.

But I knew the name of the film at the time, and I said, No, this is a track.

He had a film before that.

It never came out, but he made a film.

That wasn't his first film.

I'd be thinking, how deep into

history is the guy setting the quiz at Wadka Wodka going to go?

I think he's going to go for Residual Dogs.

Yeah.

Anyway, everybody felt it.

I just was like, no,

I wouldn't admit that I was wrong, basically.

And then fell out those people and did speak to them for like

12 years now seems like you carry a lot of pain from your younger years or a lot of like shame you know not to go all Brenny Brown here do you know what I mean but it seems to me that you kind of like beat yourself up for what is just really normal interactions interactions that people have at that age where we all behave a bit cringe And like, I think you sort of, as you get older, you just got to go, yes, everybody does shit like that.

Yeah.

Forgive yourself, Christopher.

I've forgive myself, Christopher.

Wait till you listen back to this podcast in 20 years' time.

Go ahead.

Why was I such a curtain?

I'm going to have to send Andy a note from yesterday's session.

Can we make sure we don't say that we support al-Qaeda?

Because I remember since

I said certain like hats off to some kind of prescribed

hats off to Iceland.

because they're going to get tighter about all that stuff.

So, all the things that are at global or in the UK government?

Well, both.

But in the UK government, which is more worrying for General Pop,

Al-Qaeda prescribed Hezbollah, ISIS, all that kind of stuff.

And joking about those things, I think, will start to become more fraught.

Well, today,

on the social media, I've seen the full

fucking palette tower that's been built

with the oh, yeah.

So, traditionally, in the 12th of July in Northern Ireland, they would build their fucking palettes, put their flags on it, and then have an effigy of the Pope.

But obviously, it's a new Pope, so they've known that long a time to get together with an effigy.

So, they've done a fucking canoe

of the immigrants

and it says stop the boats.

And I'm like, why is fucking Kier Starmer not coming out and talking about that?

Why are you talking about a fucking Irish language rap group at Glastonbury, but not the actual population of this country, people in this fucking country doing that?

Because that is one step away from a white pillowcase with your eyes out and a Burlington.

Fucking awful.

There is a thing, I think, sometimes...

with anti-Semitism as well, right?

Where people go, oh, if you look at the reported instances of anti-Semitism, it's not that big a thing, but you know it's there.

Do you know what I mean?

You know it's there because you've heard it or you've overheard it or whatever, and you can see why Jewish people

are kind of attuned to that.

Yeah, and there is an anti-Irish thing in Scotland and an anti-Catholic thing that Disney really appears, you know, in the boldest terms, but you fucking know it's there.

It doesn't appear in the boldest terms as it once did for like your father's generation.

So, like, I remember having this conversation with my dad one day, and he

said to me, like, so he went in and told his dad he'd bought a house, a flat, uh, 1969.

And his dad was like,

Son, people like us don't buy houses, right?

Which was a very much that kind of social class thing.

And then my dad said,

He said, two years before that, he said, I seen the Lisbon Lions win the European Cup.

He said, and that actually wasn't about because much as I was a Celtic fan and stuff, and a Catholic, he went, I didn't grow up knowing doctors and lawyers.

He was like, We lived in Pollock, we didn't know those people.

And he said, And I certainly didn't know any Catholic ones, and I certainly didn't know any successful Catholics.

This country needs to get a fucking grip of itself and kind of acknowledge the contribution of what the Irish done, like in this country, and what they contributed, and they will never do do it.

And then you see things like that in Belfast and stuff, and you're just like, Fuck me, man, that's that's

for it to have gone on for so long, so many years of our lives.

Do you know what I mean?

Because when you were like 20, you were like, Well,

in a decade's time, this will surely have diluted.

Life's moving on.

Do you know what I mean?

Battle of the Boyne and fucking all this stuff.

And it's still there, it's still on your Google calendar, you know.

Battle of the Boyne.

Aye, and I mean, there, so it was obviously the walk was out, and

uh

so I should say to the listeners for those of you that aren't Scottish the the the orange walk uh the 12th of July is what it is in Northern Ireland but in Scotland we have it the weekend before and let me tell you there's no fucking doctors or lawyers walking in those marches either do you know what I mean like you're really talking about a kind of class of people that that have that

protestant entitlement of we are the people

but yet no really making their way in the world or making a difference or anything like that.

They just don't hat, play a drum, and everything's going to be alright.

I'd say this though, watch the watch the

people who line up.

Yeah.

Do you know what I mean?

Because they are professional people.

You see people in suits and people with wings and all that.

Oh, it is.

Because they recognise that as part of their team.

And part of the thing that

produces the hegemony in Scotland is the fact.

And in fact, when they had the independence referendum, remember the BBC was going, There's been a pro-union march and

and you're like, It's a fucking orange walk.

When I went for a sauna, sauna the other day, there was a young lad in the sauna

and he just started chatting to me and he was like, Oh, what do you do?

and you know, it's one of the ones you don't really want to tell what you do.

I was like, Oh, I'm like a writer and a podcaster and stuff like that, right?

'Cause you go I go full-on lie.

Full-on lie.

In the cab, I say

IT is good.

That's that's boring you do what I talk about

I work on the cooling systems for data centers

wow

if you've not recognized me in a cab it I work on and that shuts it down every time because there's two boring things together that's fucking brilliant that's genius wow so

we can work together then really

because it's

because it's like the issue is I believe that neurodivergence is extremely strong within the taxi driver community because the test to become a taxi driver, you need to memorize so much stuff.

It's kind of impossible if you're not a bit tapped.

So,

and I mean that in a kind way.

Tapped?

Tapped by the hand of God.

Neurodiverse and tapped in the one sentence.

Andy, cut that out and redo that sentence.

No, the Almighty's left his fingerprint on your forehead.

in my opinion.

If they become a taxi draft,

you know, you need to like a London cabby has to memorise, frankly, a Glasgow cabby, they barely fucking know where they're going.

And it's like they're too busy going, eh?

Where'd you make your aunt Nicholas Dungeon and you're like, what about all they're like, eh?

She's got a book.

If they invested the time they spent researching trans issues into memorising the streets of Glasgow,

I've had taxi ever, I don't go that bad Glasgow.

I don't know that about

a way, just getting away.

So when they go no going that way, you're like, You've really misunderstood this job.

Anyway, what was

it with this guy?

What was uh, what was that?

And they saw an up with the guy.

All right, so this young lad's like, I blah blah blah, would you do?

So I was chatting to me, I said, What do you do?

He goes, I was landscaping there, but I'm going to start being a joinery apprentice.

And I went, Oh, wait, you gee, he went 18.

I was like, Right, he went, but if I'm going to war, I'm going to join the paratroopers, right?

And I just went, What?

And he went, Ayah.

And I went, What?

Why would you do that?

He went, Well, I'm a big Rangers fan,

right?

And to which I was like, You know, that your football team is just a whole load of millionaires kicking a ball, but it's not

really a mindset and an ethos.

They're just doing their job.

And he was like, I.

And I went, 18, you're going to go and fight for a government.

He's like, what do you mean?

I went, so a government's going to put you to war.

And he goes, I he goes, I became a dad six months ago.

And I went, right, wait a minute, son, you've got a six-month-old kid, you're 18, and you're going to die for a government that do not give a fuck about you.

And he was like, what do you mean?

And I went, son, you need to go and read up in history.

I said, because boys like you are cannon father.

I said, but see, the people in power, their boys don't go to war.

He was like, right, I was like, just go and learn how to work a tape, measure, and cut some wood to make.

Like, that's it's like the worst plan because, like, you join the army if you think we're no going to war.

You know what I mean?

That we can get a steady wage, you get fit or whatever people think we're getting out of it, right?

Like, but if you're like, I'm going to join when we are going to war, so I get fucking 300 quid a week to be parachuted with a machine gun into fucking Iran.

That's like the worst plan anyone's ever had.

So, I once had a member of my family, a young, a young kid say to me, I'm going to go into the army and I'm going to get a trade, and then I'll come out of the army, weigh my trade.

And I just was like, Whoa, whoa, whoa, what?

I says, Fuck, get out of the army.

I was like, you just go and get a trade.

I said, So you're going to get a trade and get paid half the money and get shot at.

And if somebody shout at you, or you could just work, you know, eight till four every day and get a half day and a Friday and get paid double the money and go home.

And he was like, Right.

And I was like,

right.

But from his perspective, I understood it because in his head he was about leaving home.

So I get it, right?

But I was like, SB guy wants to do is become a joiner and start making coffins.

Do you know what I mean?

There's a war on panel.

Get a fucking

also.

We're not going to be fucking shooting people.

It's all drones.

Yeah.

It was like Pierce Armour came and went, Yeah, we're going to to use 15 new submarines.

What's the fucking point?

It's drones.

Guys, we're like ass man in the basement, so essentially a fucking modern samurai.

Fucking wild man, but isn't that mental that he's like, I'm a big Rangers fan, so I'm gonna join the army.

It's like I think saying that you want to join the army is a kind of socially acceptable way of saying that you want to kill yourself.

Do you know what I mean?

You can kind of go,

don't want to be here anymore.

I want to be over there being shot, but no one, no one's worried about you.

You can kind of.

I remember the other day, Bill Hex had a bit about

gays in the military, and he was like, I want gays to be allowed in the military because anyone that's wanting to be in the military should just go and die.

You know, and you sort of think that's kind of an example of something you just couldn't say now.

Because the minute that turns into a tabloid headline of so-and-so says

he wants to see British soldiers die, like suddenly there's just all these trained killers.

Well, it's kind of for people who want to kill people and who want to die, isn't it?

And we need to do something with those people in society.

So, fair enough.

You kind of have them in Morrisons.

You know, suicidal, homicidal, cashiers.

There's no cashiers left.

No.

Christopher.

That's it, exactly.

There's no jobs for these people.

There's no jobs.

Put them in.

But you know what I mean?

I could understand, like, if you grew up at a time when there was no jobs and you were like, well, I'm just going to go and join the military because I can get out of here and I can go and kind of see the world and do my life and all that.

Because you'd know prospects.

There's fucking hundreds of jobs.

Do you know what I mean?

There's loads in construction.

So it's like, it's going to be a job.

Not everybody thought about joining the army or joining the cops.

Even though you're, like, say you're from a household that's kind of socialized or you're a Catholic or whatever, you're just like, if you fail your fucking exams, that was your obsession.

One of the only things where you can are going to take you, where you can get a steady wage, is the army.

And also, you're offered a kind of

you think, a kind of camaraderie or support that's kind of absent from your communities at that point, and it's kind of absent from parenting in Scotland and stuff like that.

I know tons of people who are just like us, right, and DACs and stuff like that, who all thought about joining the army.

I know someone who joined the military aged 16 and a half, and I completely understand why they've done it.

On the table at the same time, was a scholarship to go and work for Beechams or Galaxo Smith Climate, as it is now, and they were going to do university, pay for the uni and live.

That would have meant them being in Brighton in the late 80s learning how to mix chemicals.

And let me tell you, you, that also would have been a fucking disaster, right?

So, it was like

join the military, or do that, or stay in Glasgow on a YTS, right?

Where you know, you're gonna get sacked.

And even now, like, looking back, they're acting, I am so glad I never took that fucking beecham's job.

That would have been a dad, like what happened?

Did it explode?

What happened?

What do you mean?

They just uh because that was just you hitting the tip of a wraith culture.

So, if they had access to chemicals to make drugs, they'd probably been a fucking young,

it would have been, though, wouldn't it?

You imagine you're 18 years old, you're living away from home, and you've got access to all these fucking chemicals and you know how to mix shit.

You

would have fucking made a fortune, but also you'd either be dead or in prison, yeah,

or a successful DJ, or I'm saying nothing,

I'm saying nothing about that.

My pal went to army recruitment and he's a big fit guy and he says like they just you go in there and they're like

all over it and he said they got the thing in front of him he signed so it's got he's gone through the whole interview and stuff and they'll just sign this before you go and the guy turns to get my pen and he says he sees the guy that's recruiting him sees this woman in the doorway and just gives away a smile and he went it was like the most

chilling thing, like they ever having a fucking got this cunt kind of moment.

And he went, Do you know what?

I'm not going to sign it.

And he walked out.

And I said it was like, he said, it was like looking at the eyes of an insect when I said no to the guy.

Which guy's kind of glazed over.

Yeah.

Fucking wild.

The stories that you hear about from the different kind of section of the forces about the other bit, like about like you know, like the Navy and the Air Force will talk about the army and they're like, fuck that.

Like, that's fucking outrageous.

Do you know what I mean?

Really?

I, because the army is very much ju it's just cannon fodder.

That's all you are.

And like the other two, you can tend to go in and you can get an engineering career and you can do all kind of different stuff that's not fucking running up and down fields with a backpack on.

Whereas the army's just we're going to train you into being a killing machine.

Right.

Because you're from that class, but if you're from that class, we'll send you to Sandhurst.

So you can train people to be a killing machine.

And that's all it is.

There's an an aircraft carrier that's out in

you know, one of our kind of like far-edge things out for like uh

out in the Pacific, where they reckon that in the event of a nuclear exchange, in the event of things breaking down with China, this thing has four seconds to do anything before it's taken out by what's called the Dong missile.

Dong two, or possibly dong three now, is just fucking trained on this thing, and they all just know that they're there with all this stuff presenting Britain's power in the world or whatever, but they know that they're vaporised in four seconds.

Four seconds, man.

I mean, that'll be honest if anybody attacks Faz Lane, but hey, and nobody gives a fuck across Britain, man.

The whole left, the whole right, the whole fucking everybody.

Anytime, like during the election with Corbyn on it, you would go, I don't really like Labour supporting Trident or renewal of Trident.

Be like,

you know, silly Scottish people.

Get on board.

Silly Scottish people not cheering hard enough.

Cheer harder.

Why don't you love our leader more?

It's not about having the weapons, it's the power that gives you at the table.

Oh, fuck off.

We have no power.

Look at the state of the world.

You know, it's like, oh, if you've got nuclear weapons, you get a veto.

Great.

We're an aircraft hangar for the world's biggest psychopaths.

Yep, that's exactly what we are.

We're currently busy taking money away from budgets to send children with learning disabilities to school so that we can buy 12 nuclear-capable aircraft that will carry bombs that we don't own and cannot authorize the launch of for America.

Just a massive $1 billion subsidy and the rest of it.

I mean, they don't even tell us the figures.

So,

you know,

that's where we've got to.

It's just fucking bleak, innit?

It's like, you know, in the Sopranos, when there's those guys who've got to kick up all the time,

and they're working away and they're just fucking, they've got nothing.

Eugene Jewish models

when Eugene then just goes and he's like, This is my road out.

I've inherited a bit of money, and I can go to Florida and live my life.

And Tony's like, You don't get to leave this life.

And Eugene just goes into the basement and fucking breaks the whole net.

That's NATO.

Do you know what I mean?

Anytime they get a fucking new leader in at NATO, they go, Hi, guys, everybody just needs to buy more weapons.

Essentially, like a salesman for Raytheon, right?

And Lockheed Martin.

And they just come in and they go, We really need to get those fucking budgets up and now Kirstam has got five percent of GDP in a country where you're not allowed to have two children or you won't get any more benefit like a fucking fairy story yeah there was a land where you couldn't have more than two children you know

these cuts are fucking yeah we need to get more money into fighting against what 1970s russia russia's stuck in ukraine which is like right beside it's gonna rush is going to plow right across the whole of fucking Europe, Poland, Germany,

France, and then eventually fucking come and get.

Well, by then, come and take us.

Do you know what I mean?

You're kind of running the world.

We might as well join in.

We are fucking broken down tanks.

As if they're fucking...

The thing is, Russia's never actually changed either.

Russia is like, well, this is how we've always fought a war, so this is how we fight a war.

So they've never actually kind of,

you know, upgraded or anything like that.

They're still doing the fucking military parades with really old, shighty weapons.

And you're like,

we don't need five percent of GDP to protect us from Putin.

And ultimately, see, between America and the fucking rest of Europe, you could all take him out if he's wanted to, but you fucking, but you're not.

But here's another thing: see, in the Ukraine war, it's all drones, right?

So it's a matter as largely a kind of like

technological conflict.

And that that gets sold to us.

I say, that's why you need more money for boats.

And you're kind of like, what?

That's why you need more money.

I don't understand how the day still exists.

I don't understand.

It's a gay thing.

It's a homophobic thing.

So you need to get all the gay people off land.

It's a homophobic culture.

So historically, they've just gone, get them on this thing.

We'll pretend it's a kind of branch of the armed forces.

It can't.

Why would you need a whole load of guys in the middle of the sea?

Right?

So they're all in there fucking.

They have that kind of flat thing on the aircraft carrier where they do dance shows

and they they go line dancing past like the the the gulf states to torment them and they're all called

you know hms destroyer you know they're all called like kind of dildo names and queen mary and fucking like gay names

What was that hanguly?

Brum bum and bakify.

And then they're really hardcore guys.

They have to go on the submarines.

Oh,

I mean, nothing see the sun, nothing says gay more than the shape of a submarine.

I mean, the periscope says a lot, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I uh I think the navy thing's really funny, though, because they tend to

like they still talk about like Nelson and shit like that, and you're like, What the actual fuck?

Do you know what I mean?

Like, you like still talk about the Spanish Armada as if it was like last week.

You're like, It's fucking,

this fucking ancient kind of tribe thing, isn't it?

Where it's like, well, the Navy, you know, ruled the seas, ruled the seas of the British Empire, and you're like, that's not really how the world is anymore.

What was going on with Rachel Reeves when she was crying the hell was that all about

about disabled people getting their money taken off?

She didn't get to take benefits off some of the country's most oppressed disabled people

and wept.

But in reality, it would be some Illuminati

thing, wouldn't it?

It would be like she's if you've listened to previous episodes, she's heard that things are going really badly against the Jottenheim giants or whoever.

Well, who are we fighting at the moment in Ukraine?

Probably a band of werewolves and vampires and so on.

They would call that kind of place.

What's the kind of Baba Yaga perhaps?

Baba Yaga might be in the mix.

And Rachel Reeves has got a note passed here.

It's going badly with Baba Yaga.

Baba Yaga's house's chicken legs that it runs around on have grown in size.

And she wept.

Open land that's going to be.

You might want to go back, I think, three episodes if you're not understanding this.

And that won't help.

She was crying because she thought she was going to lose her job and she was going to need to get some fucking unemployment benefit.

Fucking that fucking Labour Party's a disgrace, that's all I'm saying.

What's going on with her hair by the way?

It's like a chemo wig.

Perhaps.

Fuck me.

Jesus.

Perhaps.

That would make sense why she was crying.

What the fuck has happened to her?

What I meant by the tapped thing was...

What does tapped mean then?

Does tapped have some

alright that people go like that?

Like you're tapped.

That's one one of those things, isn't it?

That's like

because it's so archaic, the actual meaning has been lost.

So I think a lot of people would say that innocently.

Do you know what I mean?

I said that quite innocently.

That's innocent.

Mental health.

She may be able to go to the doctors and go when they go, right?

As I've often said about mental health, like I'm all for this, Leah, let's people be more open and talk about their mental health and all that.

But there's mental illness.

and like those are different things.

You feeling a tightness in your chest when you're going to a busy train station is not the same as some guy thinking the wire TV show is talking to him and is about him.

And like, if you're going to be at all for mental health, you need to have more funding for beds for mental ill people because that is that's that's exactly the way we've what this country has managed to do is consider mental health the same as mental illness in in the same way that we call the living wage and the minimum wage the living wage as if it's the same fucking thing and it's not and we've done the exact same way mental health and mental illness.

I was talking to again

friend of the show, Mr.

Scott Agnew, and we were saying how

there's so many people that you see now walking and I know Glasgow's always had that element of madness, right?

But there's so many people that see it.

Scott's serial chronicler of Glasgow's madness.

Aye, aye.

Would shoot you where he stays, really.

But you see a level of mental illness, people walking about who are clearly mentally ill, like fucking shouting and hurting themselves, and they're not doing anything to anyone else,

but

they need fucking

help.

Can I tell you about an argument I got into the other weeks?

Of course.

So I might have been out.

It was a Saturday after my wee dad passed, right?

In the Thursday, and I went to the snaffle bit in the west end, a nice pub.

And I was just sitting outside, it was a scorching sunny day.

I was sitting there, I wasn't even drinking.

And

a homeless immigrant guy comes past, right?

Clearly, an immigrant.

He's got a blanket.

He's a bit dirty looking.

And he's like, Do Van Spare Change?

I spare change.

So it's like, I made there.

There you go, right?

So he walks away and he comes back 10 minutes later and he's talking to himself, right?

He's just talking to himself.

And he's like, oh, very bad, very bad.

And this young guy at the table who's sitting with what looked like his parents starts shouting abuse him.

So, obviously, I was like,

I don't think you should be shouting abuse at a homeless immigrant, right?

And the person I was with, she just went, Oh no.

And the guy was like, I'm homeless.

And I was like, Bro, do you respect?

You're sitting there with a pint of beaver town, a bag of crisps, and you're wearing a pair of Ray-Bans.

That is the best homeless life I have ever seen, my friend.

Right,

he was like, I said, Look, the guy's clearly not well, you don't need to shout at him.

He's like, What'd you do for the homeless?

And I was like, Well, what I do for the homeless is like I gave him some change, but that's all I had.

And he was like, Well, you don't know my situation.

So then the mum turns around and she's got her hand and she's like, Everybody's entitled to their opinion.

And I was like, Actually,

not if you're just shouting abuse at somebody who's homeless.

That's not an opinion.

That's a stretch of the word opinion,

Right, and she was like, Well, and I was like, I don't really care.

So, this guy just turned around and he went, I think you're wrong.

He went, I am homeless.

And I was like, Okay, I says, Who's this you're sitting with?

And he was like, Well, family.

And I went, So, you're sitting having a paint with family who have let you become homeless.

And he just kind of like didn't know what to say.

And they were like, Well, well, well, well.

And I was like, All right.

I say, So, maybe you're not homeless.

Maybe you're just saying that.

Maybe it's just the fact that you've just shouted at a homeless immigrant.

He's like, do you think people should be walking around the streets of Glasgow shouting at the population of Glasgow?

I went, mate, there was about 5,000 people in an orange march today out shouting.

What fucking difference does one wee homeless guy make?

Good luck making Glasgow shush.

I was just like,

what the actual fuck?

Do you know what I mean?

This guy was moving 25, 26, and I was just like, oh, fuck off.

Do you know what I mean?

Just like,

it's a fucking homeless immigrant.

Then they went, how do you know he was an immigrant?

And I was like, because I have fucking eyes and ears, right?

He clearly is not from this country.

He's not been born in this country.

He's talking in broken English.

Yeah, well, you're just making a judgment on that.

And I was like, do you know what, you pedantic cunts?

Can you not just say that maybe I shouldn't have shouted at a fucking homeless immigrant?

No, never backs down anymore, man.

Imagine, clearly, you shouldn't have done it, right?

But imagine the feeling of leathering a family.

I'd love to.

Just leathering the fucking guy, the dad, the ma, everybody, man.

Uncle comes over.

Jaws ripped off.

Fucking movie.

I would have to fucking leather.

Femur snapped under the weight of my cratitude.

You'd always look back on that.

Do you know what I mean?

When you're an old guy, like, remember the time I leathered.

I did three years, but

I did leather that family.

Remember the time I leathered a a family, two of them were pensioners.

For fuck's sake, I took their bus pass off them.

Fuck them.

That'd be great.

It just made me really fucking sad.

I think that's empowered now.

So that stochastic terrorism, that idea that if you say stuff like, there's a lot of people in this country who, you know, shouldn't they be here or whatever?

And then someone goes and burns down a fucking asylum.

So you just will tell us something.

You're kind of

encouraging that.

You're giving a license for that, right?

And there's so much of that now that

you can see it starting to bubble to the surface.

I just thought, like, do you know what?

How fucking dare you look down your nose at someone?

And then for him to sit and be like, well, I mean, I'm homeless.

And he's like,

my re-bands are fake.

And I was like, well, that's good that while you've been homeless, you've managed to get a right good imitation sunglasses set.

Like,

fuck off.

But interestingly, a little white guy walked past 10 minutes later, fucking shouting and screaming off his chops.

Never said a word to him, and you were like, Oh,

I see what the fucking problem is here.

Brown skin,

horrible,

horrible.

It's that thing as well now, where everybody's the oppressor and the oppressed.

Do you know what I mean?

Where they're like, Yeah, yeah, no, I fucking don't like these people, and I'm kind of doing worse.

I'm kind of the real

thing, yeah.

I mean, I was all for just fucking cracking them in the job, but as

the person I was with pointed out, you should not be getting into these discussions.

And I was like, well,

fuck them, it's the right thing to do.

You shouldn't be fucking picking in homeless people.

How fucking,

how much do you hate yourself that to feel better, you need to be picking the most vulnerable in your society?

Do you know what I mean?

And that's what that was.

Just a weedick that hadn't been leathered enough at school, in my opinion.

That's all I've seen.

What I meant

by I believe that a lot of tax drivers are neurodivergent is

it's hard to lie to them because they have a lot of knowledge about things.

So if you say, oh, I'm a rocket scientist, they might have a kind of Raymond Mearnsian

understanding of rocket science and go, oh, what is it?

The type of job is...

Raymond Mearn's a polymathic Scottish organizational stand-up comedian.

So there's a lot of crowd working.

He's like, I think you're again.

And they're like, oh, I'm working on a submarine.

He's like, what do you do you submit?

Is that nuclear?

And he just knows all about the submarines, and you're like, Oh, for fuck's sake, man.

I once watched Raymond do 15 minutes on photovoltaic panels, and nobody else in the room had a fucking clue what he's talking about.

Obviously, I knew because it was part of my job being a spark.

And he's like, Take a guy, Muchai's isolator's like, and Muchai's a breaker goes into the district.

And I was just like, Fuck, I don't know how we get jokes out of this, but somehow he managed it.

He can do everything except his time

three minutes about the fucking panels ringing before you're headlining on.

That's what you're booked for.

But

he's something else when he's on it, he's on it to watch.

I had a great chat with him one time.

We drove back for somewhere, some gig he was doing in largs or something like that, and he just told me all about his UFO.

He was a ufologist for quite a while.

He told me all about his

trips out with the UFO people and all.

It's just brilliant.

I just love someone who can have that extreme

and passion and knowledge about something and then just go, ah, I'm not a UFOlogist anymore.

Like most people are like, I'm in your flat earthers are in it and that's them for the rest of their life.

But to be like a Bonnie Bridge going UFO person and then you're like, ugh, I don't do that anymore.

He's genuinely like to watch him on a stage and even just like you're saying, to sit in a car with him.

He's just fucking class.

Like he he's just got stuff going on and his head, his brain is very interesting, massively neuro undiagnosed, neurodivergent.

I would say,

can we call him tapped?

Well, here's I think tapped is actually people think that it means tapping the head, but I think it's like from medieval times when you would have something genuinely tapped, like you'd have a tap.

Oh, you mean like Tre Panning?

Yeah, this is a thing, right?

Do you know when

Grenfell Tower happened, right?

They had a Tory council and the housing officer was this guy, a Rockfielding Mellon.

That was his name.

Rockfielding Mellon?

Right.

He was a dead posh guy with kind of ringlets and stuff.

And

he was part of this mad family who had this country estate somewhere like from you know the the 16th century or 15th century that has the world's largest gravity fountain which has this basically a jet of water that shoots right up into the air and that's the one thing probably that could have put out Grenfell.

Rockfield and Mellon had it back in his garden.

But his maw, this is a crazy fucking family.

His ma was like an Aristo and she had started this political party called Trepanning on the National Health

and stood in elections to say, look, we should be able to get a fucking hole drilled between our eyes.

to

let demons out.

I fucking love it.

This is where reform's going to take us, us, man.

This is where reform will take us.

Here's the thing.

People frown on Trepanin.

We all have days when we go, if someone could just put a fucking hole in my head to let out the pressure.

It would do all of us a bit of good, I think.

Anyway, it's been a great week.

Anytime I see a diagram or a medieval wood action about fucking Trepanin, I'm like, I could luck a go at Trepan.

No, what a ball.

You never felt the need?

Just a wee.

You never see a, you're never in BQ and you're like,

stick that right through my mutt.

This is why you can never work in a building site.

Well, can he trust you with these two temps?

It's too tight.

Keep your eye on him.

It'll be a fucking company himself.

What was it I was doing?

I was putting something up my nose or something.

And I was just like,

it just felt like,

get this away from me.

I'm going to put it more up.

You know?

Was it poppers?

It might have been poppers.

It was like a COVID test or something.

Oh, right.

Oh, I fucking hate that.

Yeah, that was wild.

What a wild period.

Oh, mental man, that fucking thing.

Like,

I couldn't do it.

And nobody knew, you know, how.

Nobody, you know, it's like, get it up there, swirl it around for, like, such a time, put it in the water, hand it in.

Great.

I liked it.

Wild.

Wild.

I feel like people had different standards.

I feel like some people were just kind of almost like a game of operation, trying not to touch the sides and then write back out in the water or get to go on holidays, you know.

There wasn't a lot of reward for doing it properly.

I'll just not having COVID, I think, was probably the reward for that.

What a mad fucking tip.

You see, when you think back now, you're like, all of that was just mental.

We're in the house and

mental for the kids as well.

You're just like, hey, there's a worldwide plague.

Yeah.

Brought you into this world and it's not going so great.

We kind of knew it would happen eventually, but we thought, fuck it, we'll try it anyway.

Aye.

It's mad.

And we knew it was going to happen at some point, but we'll not bother doing pandemic planning.

That was another thing we've done with it.

I was right.

So there's a bit in my autobiography from like 2009 or something about the pandemic.

Is this the my short life so far?

People knew that there might be a pandemic.

It was like SARS and stuff wasn't there?

Well they were talking about it they were talking about for fucking years and pandemic planning and we kept old stuff and didn't bother to renew it so all the stuff that we had for a pandemic was fucking out of date.

I'm not defending Boris Johnson right but

you shouldn't call your briefing for disease stuff Cobra.

'Cause if someone says to me, you've got a cobra meeting I'd be like well that'll be snake related and I don't think snakes are a great cause of concern for the country that I'm in charge of but if they'd called that sneeze or cough

you know if it was the center of unacceptable graphic then I would that's what HBO means sneezing or disease or something

then I would have paid attention to it and I think that if we could go back and change cobra to call did you find part of your problem in the pandemic was that you forgot it was happening

One of my favourite stories of Christopher in the pandemic was him saying to his girlfriend when she was like, Yeah, you know, I can't get to sleep as everybody did.

And he was like, Just go at three in the morning for a walk.

And she was like, I can't really do that as a woman.

And then

never thought about it.

And then the whole,

well, what should I do if I see a woman and how do I make her feel safe?

And you avoiding a woman to then cross the road while there was another woman walking on her own

and just a taxi driver screaming at you for being in the middle of the road.

It's just the most beautiful Christopher story.

Listen, I'm just trying to do my best.

Try to do the best.

I'm trying to get by.

People on both pavements fear I may rape them.

So I'll just get myself killed with my hack.

That was the subtext.

So good.

So, do you know what I do sometimes?

I guess this is just killing two birds with one stone, but if if I'm out walking at night, a lot of times I'll buy a pizza.

Then I get to walk about with a pizza box.

And I think it soothes everybody.

When I was a wee guy, that was like a big genre of porn, was the kind of big sausage pizza it was called.

Wet.

And it was exactly what you described.

Something we don't need to throw a pizza box and be coffee.

Wet.

You'd be raging.

I've uninvented pornography.

That's pretty cool.

You don't see it a lot anymore.

It's a fake taxi, this, and whatever.

But back in the day, it was a big taxi.

Is it fake, though?

I don't know.

I think he does have a taxi.

It's a real taxi?

Yeah.

I think we use taxi contacts.

You could find this out for us.

It's a guy banging some prostitutes in a taxi that he's hired.

Yeah.

Do you know what I mean?

It's fucking weird.

I can't really get into that.

I can't really get with that.

Because are you thinking, is the meter running?

Well, a bait is a bait.

That's the first thing the cunt does.

Six pound surcharge.

That's for the Libina Condoms, love.

If you've not seen it and you need the synopsis,

basically she does it's like, oh, I can't pay for this.

And he goes, I can think of some way we can get around paying for it.

It usually involves licking a sweaty taxi driver bum hole.

And in that note, sorry if we've lost a sponsor.

Maybe fake taxi could sponsor us.

Another

fine, possibly final episode of Here Comes a Guillotine.

Bum hole licking in taxi drivers.

To me, it's like if you like getting your bum hole licked, don't be a taxi driver because you have the sweatiest bum hole of probably any job in the world sitting on it all day in a cab, black cab.

Anyway, let's go ahead and eat my kitchen now.

Let's do it.

Hey, how you doing?

Producer Andy here.

Thank you for listening to another episode of Here Comes the Guillotine with Frankie Boyle, Susie McCabe, and Christopher MacArthur Boyd.

Susie and Christopher are playing Edinburgh Fringe this summer, so if you want to head along, head to their socials for more information.

You can get all the episodes of Here Comes the Guillotine on Global Player right now.

Search for Global Player on your app store or go to globalplayer.com.

This is a Global Player original podcast.