Here Comes The Mighty Helm of Balathor (Part Three)

Here Comes the Guillotine contains offensive language, mature content, and adult themes.

It is not suitable for a younger audience.

This is a Global Player Original Podcast.

Hello, and welcome to part 3 of Here Comes the Mighty Helm of Balathor.

There's not actually a mighty helm in the game as yet, but maybe one day.

One day, maybe.

We're playing Dungeons and Dragons with Rab Florence, Lee Stewart, Thor, my son, and CMB.

Thank you so much to Sloans

who allowed us to perform tabletop role-playing game improvised comedy there.

And specifically asked us to give them a shout out for their name in accusatory tone, which I believe we've more than fulfilled.

They don't just have macaroni cheese, they also had meatball, marinara, rigatone, which I found thrilling with a side of tender stem broccoli and peas.

I pushed it out of the Venison Nachos, but I'm still intrigued.

Venison nacho?

He's a bit of a venison nachos, if you guys would have.

Anyway, this is part three, so I hope you've been enjoying these, and I hope you're enjoying everything else in your life as well.

Excelsior.

Right, um, okay,

so you've opened the window, and immediately you see behind the window there is just a brick wall

with a void and darkness behind but in the foreground of this void fungus, a mass of fungus.

Little spores kind of already starting to break off and move into the air.

It's a frightening and challenging sight.

Also

somewhat beautiful as well.

You know, one of the fungus has a nice kind of purple hue to it.

You know, quite attractive things.

Wouldn't they keep them in your house?

Roll for initiative.

18.

4.

11.

Plus 5.

16.

You've got plus 1 in your dexterity.

Oh, so that's hammer is 18 in total?

Yeah.

Right, okay.

What'd you say you've got?

So hammer's got 18.

You've got what?

Quenril.

11 plus 5 is 16.

Quenril's got 16.

I've got 4 and then it's a plus 2.

Roots.

Pedro.

So you've got 6.

And I've rolled a 17 and I've got a plus 1 on dexterity.

Very good.

Fowlderall has got 18.

Alright, one sec.

I'll just make a roll for our fungus here.

Okay.

That's got a lot of funguses, what we thought about.

How many funguses are there?

I thought it was just one fungus.

No.

I thought there were several funguses.

It's a couple of guys.

You can see two discrete bodies of fungus.

Stop.

One with a kind of purple hue.

Beautiful one.

Yeah, and one that's kind of just sparking off and releasing wee bits of spores, and there's also wee protuberances on it.

Almost look like there's eyes on the end of these wee protuberances as well.

Not a pleasant thing.

Right, so if you look over here, you're going to see now the order of combat.

So that you will.

When you're thinking about your strategies,

it's really high tech, isn't it?

What's your dexterity?

Mine, 13, so plus one.

What's your dexterity?

13, plus one.

So you can choose who wants to go first, and so you're basically the same initiative.

So who wants to go first at you two?

Should I go first?

You'll go first.

It also Also, it might give me a chance to get out of the way of whatever you unleash upon this.

Kiss.

Ugly.

So if I heck in.

Battering character, though.

She's still out there.

So there's at least two of them back there, maybe more.

Oh, you shouldn't have opened that window.

Who's idle as that?

I don't know.

I don't know a snake with too much in Serie then.

Oh, that's a nice name.

Violet Fungus.

Violet fungus.

Should call the character that.

Oh my gosh.

Oh my god am I after the fungus?

Yeah.

Yeah I mean what did you got a sex?

Patty thing.

Right there we go.

Right so right away you spot you you spot hammer spots it right away you know this is a this is a bad thing.

What's your play?

Well I guess I've still got my spear out so probably jab it with the spear through the window.

A straight attack?

Is that probably the best?

I think that would be my guy's first

thought.

Be like, jab this stuff.

What would happen if you just shut the window?

I mean, you want to try it?

I feel like I'm sucking the fun out this way.

Remember,

these things are happening in kinda, I think it's like six second blocks.

So

not much time for the window.

Yeah, there's no really much time for you to communicate that.

I mean, mean,

you can communicate that across the room, shut the window.

But he's going to stop it.

I don't want to distract anybody from that.

Let's fight the fungus.

It's unlikely to be fun.

Let's fight the fungus.

Fight the fungus.

I don't know what glazing is under this sound.

Right, okay, so you're making it.

Which fungus are you wanting to target?

Is it the purpley hued one or the one that's kind of releasing seems to be releasing the spores?

The spores worry me, I'm going for that one.

Okay, make it attack.

Tell me what you've got.

I'm going to use this spear.

The lungs sort of does more damage, but I feel like I've got my spear already.

That is perf for me to start.

Seven plus five, that's twelve.

Okay, that's a hit.

Alright.

Roll for your damage.

Two.

Two damage.

Two damage.

Do you have any modifiers to that or anything like that?

No, I don't know.

Is your spear?

Yeah.

So that's your damage die.

Is just a two?

It's just, yeah, it's one d6.

Right, but you'll add your dexterity.

I think it's for spears.

I I think it's a dexterity or strength.

I think it's strength.

I thought that was for the attack bonus to the d20.

No, you'll still get your

modifier added onto your damage from what you use.

So I add my dexterity or my strength?

You don't have

proficiency?

I've shot myself, man.

I'm begging my sword just on that though.

It's strength, by the way.

Perfect.

Do you have any proficiency in any of your weapons?

In spears or anything?

Yeah, I've got proficiency in simple and martial weapons.

Right, okay.

I've got proficiency.

Which is what I was adding to the attack bonus.

Right, hot.

Wasn't it?

Yeah.

So that, okay.

I'm just going to fucking double check, so I want to make sure, because you're going to need every single bit of fucking HP here.

Every single bit of HP.

So I'm pretty sure, I'm pretty sure you don't add proficiency to your damage.

I think it's just

your damage die and your modifier.

So

plus strength,

plus three, so that's five.

Five damn?

I mean, fuck's sake.

Don't worry, it's because I've still got my spear out and I'm jabbing down the back.

I'll back off and I'll get my sword out.

Does it better?

Right, okay.

So you're backed half and you've pulled out your sword.

Am I too close?

Do I have to disengage?

Well, it depends how far away you're wanting to move.

Are you wanting to move more than five feet out of range of the thing?

Because that would take a disengage.

It would get away opportunity attack against you if you did that.

I guess I'll back up a bit from the window but not far enough away to have to disengage.

So I guess they can still hit me but

give everybody else a bit more space to get at it.

Sweet, done.

Yep.

You're AU.

I would like to fire my magic missile.

What do I roll?

Don't think you don't have to roll anything, you just need to use one of your spell slots.

Bang!

And magic missile does, I believe, one d4 plus one force damage to its target.

So you need to roll a d4, which is that.

So that's one of your missiles does one.

Is that one?

Yes, okay, plus one.

But then roll again because you've three fire out.

Four.

Six.

No, four, five, seven in total, right?

Two.

Ten in total.

So

you send your three magic missiles.

You send your three magic missiles, they fly

straight into this one that's releasing all the spores, right?

Oh no.

Oh no.

And it shrivels.

Takes the impact.

Shrivels up, shrivels up, shrivels up, and then

bursts in an explosion which you are directly in range of.

So you're going to have to do a constitution saving throw.

You should have just shut the fucking window.

Oh.

One.

Practical failure.

You are taking

eight poison damage.

Eight damage, eight HP after you.

You

make a constitution roll.

Okay.

Spores are spreading all close to the woman.

19

plus 216.

Make a constitution roll.

I want you all to know I'm on four hit points right now.

19 plus what am I adding?

Constitution plus one.

Make a constitution roll.

30.

Father All makes his constitution roll and I've got plus two on constitution.

Beautiful, okay.

You immediately feel your lungs filling.

You can barely breathe, you can barely breathe.

COVID spores.

You're back in half, you can barely breathe.

The fungus spores are just filling the room.

It's almost like difficult to see in this room.

Okay.

Who's next up?

It's Quenrill.

Okay, Quenrill.

So I'm going to choose.

So there's one.

This purple fungus is still remaining.

Right.

But the other one's dead.

Yeah, that one's dead.

It's gone into his lung.

It's inside you.

But he's still next to the violet fungus.

He's double door.

He's double door in front of this fungus.

I can do something called sneak attack.

You don't need advantage in the attack row if at least one of your allies is within five feet of the target.

Oh, is he incapacitated?

Yeah, I mean, he's for the battle.

I can't.

He will still get.

listen in the next round he'll still get an opportunity to take a turn uh-huh but

if he's incapacitated I can't do a sneak attack so I'll just no I think I'm still there okay right I'll do a sneak attack

sneak attack though what is the I don't think either of these two are in engaged range so is that what you're you know how to strike certainly and exploit a foe's distraction you deal an extra one d6 damage to one creature if if your pal's next to them I think we can allow that because I think I think he's there and there's so many scores yeah I think he's still there and engaged with us I think he'd be able to client.

Through the cloud of

mycelium, I think you'd lift sloth over.

Through the mycelium cloud, I'm telling you, it's a sneak attack with my dagger.

So that's how we go.

That's a 20.

Roll double damage.

So you'd roll your damage dice twice.

Okay, three plus four.

Right, and a jar will be a dexterity

plus three, so that's seven, ten.

Ten.

Yeah.

Okay, so you want to describe your attack?

How you got up to this?

I see this mushroom

and I'm like this is for Roshi.

This is for Roshi.

And I just drive it right into the bit below the kind of bell end of the mushroom, like the mushroom's throat essentially.

The mushroom head, I suppose you'd call it.

A literal mushroom head and I just kind of slit its throat that it doesn't have.

Beautiful.

You put a big slice into the violet fungus, and this kind of purple fluid starts to seep out for it, but it's still moving, it's still twisting, still turning.

So the violet fungus twists around

towards you.

You see its

tendrils start to uncoil,

move towards you, makes its attack.

What's your armour class?

13.

13.

Lashes it,

Buana's tendrils, hits you right across the neck, almost as if it's trying to return your blow tip.

Pay.

Its other tendril rolls it and comes towards you and thankfully flays all the top of your head,

misses you.

And I'm now just going to tell you what damage it's done

to you.

18 armour class coming in the output.

It's six necrotic damage to you, man.

I've all seen it.

I've done four though.

All the damage.

And you're up.

Right, okay.

I'd quite like to gracefully throw a dagger towards it.

Okay.

Although I don't really know what I'm doing.

Right, so

stylus.

Stylus.

Make it look like you know what I'm doing.

Right, yeah.

I'm just going to throw

a dagger.

Okay.

Right at it.

So you stay in back, you kind of staying further back.

Yeah.

Alright, okay.

D20 and you'll be adding your.

Add my what?

I think it's

dexterity, won't it?

Alright, okay, so plus two,

sixteen.

That's a two, eighteen.

That's a hit.

Roll your damage.

Well, it depends.

It will tell you in your dagger what your damage is.

Your damage dice.

Sorry, guys.

Dagger.

Three.

Plus two.

Cool.

The dagger flies embeds right in embeds

right in what you could almost describe as the face of this fungus, just kind of central to where the bell end is.

Belle end.

befriend your end.

Yeah, so the dagger just embeds there, but the thing, the creature, is still moving, still moving, still alive,

and it's back

to your cell hammer.

Is it still sort of behind the wall, or what's it?

We're all on the other side of the window, I think.

Are we all what have we done?

What's the position of the thing?

Yeah, I mean, it's still in this kind of

void in this brick wall.

It's still, but it's, you know, but it's starting to slowly move and kind of reach further

so i could get my sword out and slash at it yeah go for it

so that's uh

17 is that i hit

oh no roll another d20 so what did you get in that roll 13 13.

right roll another one because you are poisoned so you get all this

11.025 slash 6.

It's a hit.

We're damage.

Come on, kill this fucking thing.

Four, and now that plus strength, sort of.

Yeah.

Um,

seven.

You slash at the fungus

and it s slices right through where you had made that

slap before.

It's a beautiful kind of finesse slash right there.

Circumcise this thing.

The lower part of the fungus's body flops away, lands on the floor below.

Its bell end

withers,

shrinks in front of you.

And Finally,

the thing seems to be devoid of life.

Thank God.

Thank God they didn't throw those spores at me or not.

Good lord.

I'm still poisoned.

Make a perception check.

Yeah.

I want.

Okay, you're just

shrivel.

You start to feel no bile rising up

in your stomach and in your chest.

It feels like you're going to vomit.

Make a perception check, you're up there as well.

that's that eight plus two that's ten

there's something in the void behind this fungus there's something lying in there covered in small spores and

ebbs and dust something in there something

coiled something that looks coiled a snake

is it my snake

Should uh I should uh am I drawn towards it

I feel if you're gonna go in we need to

anchor you somehow.

I'm extremely well that would be handy.

Couldn't we like get a stick and just poke it?

I'm going to walk my wine in a moment of drunk madness and just splash a bit of wine in the coil thing.

Well interestingly right, see when you see when you splash this wine inside

it does clear away some of the webs.

It does kind of wetten things, doing make things a bit clear.

It looks like it's rope.

It looks like rope.

Right.

Here we go.

Got some fucking rope.

A snake can look like rope.

You take that.

Take rope.

You grabbing it.

Can you make a wisdom check?

Okay.

15.

And my wisdom.

You can sense magic for this rope, the minute.

It's a magical rope.

I think, oh.

I've got a detect magic spell.

Would that help?

No?

Well, I mean, does it matter?

Or we know it's magic already?

Rope of climbing.

Yes.

Oh, you've got an actual.

So

you've got a rope with some magical properties there.

This 60-foot-length of silk rope weighs £3 and can hold up to £3,000.

Oh, wow.

And I'm only three foot tall.

I threw a burglar.

Great.

This is like the best gift.

Yeah, thank you so much.

Yeah, Void.

So

the biggest issue at the minute is you can all see that this young paladin has we and again

you know you are all got some years on your on the clock so you're very aware that there's a young person here in your midst who has breathed in you've seen him breathe in all these spores you see him now ready to spew in the corner he looks

ghastly he doesn't look well perhaps we take the best of his gear

come on

we were in the same orphanage i just stroke his just stroke his hair gently that's what girls would do to each other just You're trying healing their hair.

I do have a spell.

I think you can lay hands on yourself, right?

Healing words I've got.

You've got healing words.

I've got healing words.

I've got burning heads.

I don't want to know any of this.

Well, you've lost one of your spell slots now, and you're trying to get sauce if you're not.

You've only got one mill left.

He's a creature of your choice that you can see blah blah blah blah regains hit points equal to two D4 plus your spell casting ability modifier.

So you're down six and you're down.

Uh Yeah, we're above on the four hit points.

If he was to puke,

would it make him feel better?

Do we encourage him to be gay?

Do we just encourage him to be sick?

Just let it come up.

Just let it come up, son.

It's fine.

Just whack him in the guts with a magic rope.

Give him some of your alcohol.

More wine.

Yeah.

Just get peshed.

I'll drizzle more wine over her face.

Splash wine over our face with a hammer.

Trying to make me really sensitive to being set alight.

No, it's a Catholic thing, I think.

I'm just gonna.

It's a baptism.

Should we try hailing then?

I go for it.

I haven't got any healing stuff.

I think you're the only one.

I think I'm the only one for five hit points, but then I can't heal anyone else.

You can't heal anybody else for the rest of the

until you rest.

Until I rest, yeah.

Right, okay.

But it might be a, you know.

Right, well, I'll do this then.

How many hit points are you on?

Me, I'm on four, so is Christopher, so.

Yeah, but I've been slashed in the throat before in that time.

I'm just a wee guy.

Yeah, you're just out at the

month's group.

So, what is it you're using?

Are you going to heal me?

Healing words.

Okay.

Which.

What word do you say is your healing?

Habrig and depth.

Let's have a look as well.

Let's heal them up.

Do you, um, how many spell slots do you have?

It'll be two as well, I think, probably.

I think it's two.

Yeah, it's two.

Okay.

Yeah.

Are you going to cast it then?

Uh, why not?

Okay.

Why the fuck do I?

it.

You're welcome, son.

Right, okay, so what did I say it was?

2d4

plus spell casting ability modifier.

So, what your

should be charisma, wouldn't you?

My charisma modifier.

Yeah, I think you could.

Plus three.

Three.

Three.

So that's nine points.

That's perfectly back to you.

Back to max.

Right, you need to lay your hands on me.

Yeah, I think I'm going to give Chris a seven hands.

Lay your hands.

And I'm giving you...

Should I give you all five points?

I think, yeah.

I would love all five points.

You're getting all five of them points.

Considering we really struggle to fight two mushrooms,

we should probably get up to

Speed Queen next round.

Listen, I was...

It wasn't bad.

I just wasn't prepared to be.

Am I still poisoned?

You're still poisoned.

Still poisoned?

And I know how long you're going to be poisoned for because I've made a roll for it.

Okay, that's wonderful.

What adverse affects you?

Yeah, what does that do to me?

Do I lose hit points at some points?

Or do I know?

Do I live?

You're going to be at disadvantage making your rolls.

Right, cool.

Really?

That's a pain.

The room now,

when you look at this glass window that you opened up, it's just a pane of glass, featureless pane of glass.

Brick wall behind it, the void where these funguses used to be.

Everything else in the room is as it was but all these spores are all starting to kind of settle on the floor and on the furniture.

You can hear some of the spores sizzling away as they reach the gas flame on

the

cooking device.

Tss

as they land, that's the spores band.

Kind of pungent smell filling your nostrils as this happens.

Does the bits of mushroom that have been kind of cut up, do they seem like maybe you could cook them?

You're cool.

Should we maybe get out of this poison?

I've been in the history of cooking things people have had to cook them and eat them first before they would know.

Uh-huh.

I want to risk it.

I'd say I think maybe poisoned one of us.

Right.

But that was the other one, that was a spore one.

Now the purple one's delicious.

Could be.

Right.

Opposites attract.

Opposites attract.

He's delicious.

He's poison.

I think Marvel is.

Why don't we just assume the gender of those mushrooms?

Well.

Just saying.

He's out of here.

Just saying.

I think we might be able to do that.

Is it just one door?

Is there another door we can go through?

It was just that one door that you came in.

There's nothing else in this room apart from

a cooker.

A really smooth table.

Yeah.

A featureless glass window that now just looks only a brick wall.

There's nothing cooking on the cooker?

There's nothing apart from the cookie.

But we leave in the cooker all.

Spores that are

releasing wee bits.

I think it's always two words.

Is there cupboards

in this kitchen?

There's some furniture under that

sink that was there before that has doors that could be opened out of the corner.

Put the door check under the sink.

Yeah, made a constitution rule.

Constitution?

Five.

Five, seven.

seven in total

you are starting to feel these spores

poisoned room clogging up your throat inside the cupboard as you open these cupboard doors under the thing you don't see anything under there but you're starting to feel a cloying right

let's go that's right so it's almost like a relief it's almost like a relief now

it's almost like a relief now when you return to this bright clean room that you were in before.

It's all been scrubbed and that's where you want to be.

You want to be in this scrubbed clean place.

And again,

all you see ahead of you is that

sign.

You're still somewhat inside.

Do not wake the sleeper?

Yeah.

Again, there's a door.

Off to the eastern wall is the only one you've not been through yet.

Was Was that the sleeper, that big mushroom?

I imagine not.

I imagine nothing.

We did break it.

There'll be something else.

Let's go through the other door.

Okay, head east.

I'm happy with that.

Are we still guilt you in front?

I'll coughingly forward roll into the east door, please.

Coughing?

Okay.

That's a momentum.

I'm coughing.

This room,

once again dirty and wet,

damp, soft underfoot with moss and dirt.

Like you're filthy after forward rolling into this room.

It features a large stone table central to the room.

You see this immediately when you come in, and there's a strange smell in here.

Something difficult to pin down exactly what this smell is, but

it's not a dirty smell, it's not quite a clean smell either.

It doesn't really smell a lot of toxin, but

it's just something you can quite place.

In the corner of the room, an old man,

hooded

and masked, sits behind a narrowed and rotten wooden desk and he's writing a huge ledger.

Another door in the west wall leads further into the dungeon.

Do you see this guy?

He's just sitting at his ledger.

He has a little glance up to you when you come in, but really pays you no attention, just

gets back to his work.

So it's just a filthy room with a wee guy sitting in the corner writing a book.

Should we...

You're a charismatic person.

I'm just wondering.

Pascal.

We're both currently coughing up bits of mushroom.

You're incredibly low charismatic.

Yeah, I feel like we should

gently approach the hooded

gentleman.

Okay.

And.

Yeah, I can add words.

I didn't think you could.

You're feeling the bile starting to rise rise up.

I've got to throw up a wee bit again.

In your throat again, you're just starting to feel it come again.

Is that the best way to introduce yourself to this guy?

Not my fault.

Puke it into the hall.

Yeah, take it.

I'll go back into the hallway, throw up pretty quick and come back.

Puke into the hall.

The very clean hallway, I want to see if it disappears, but the next time we come back.

I'm on it.

You want to puke into that clean round me?

It's terrible, shameful, anyway.

Okay, so you're going to puke?

Yeah.

So, as we approach this guy, he's just heard this puke.

Oh, did this old man, this old man hears me?

Can you cough over the noise?

He hears the retinue and he kind of lifts up and he kind of looks to see where Hammer is out there.

And he kind of shakes his head, gets back to it.

I'll be with you in a minute.

Can ever we peek at what he's writing?

Yeah, it seems to be names.

He seems to be writing names in a ledge of lots of names.

Any names?

No names you recognise.

No at a glance.

But it's like it's a language that's understandable,

it's uncommon.

DD.

Cook's signed.

D D.

Cook's common song.

Yeah.

Could have signed them all we saw.

What's the one you were talking about earlier?

Someone's knocking at the door.

Someone's knocking at the door.

Someone's still throwing up outside.

Someone's puking at the door.

The old man leans and he picks up, he hears something clattering, something heavy,

and he lifts it up and it's a pail, it's a metal pail.

And he goes, You want to give that to the old man?

Thank you.

So kind.

And you can use that.

Thank you so much.

Thank you.

I'll take that.

Okay, Al,

just give me five minutes.

It's from New York.

Five minutes.

I'll be with you.

Sorry, mate, we don't really have five minutes to spare.

Little scamps locked it on mushroom balls.

Believe me, I know you got a lot more than five minutes to spare.

How long have you been here?

Ask me if you want to drink.

Do you want a drink?

I have a drink.

Yeah?

You want a drink?

You know what you drink?

You want a little sick of stomach?

Yeah.

This is a huge bath with conversation for everyone everyone involved.

It takes that, pulls the cork off.

Hold on.

Pulls the cork off.

Thank you very much.

Just give me a couple of minutes.

Let me just finish my work here.

And how long have you been in?

Three rooms or so.

Okay.

Have you any idea which

way you came in?

The pub.

I don't know that.

We passed a hat.

Believe you me, if there was a pub, I would know about that.

Where is in?

Where would you say this is in?

The traveling dungeon.

So you know it's a traveling dungeon?

Oh, sure.

Oh, sure.

Are you staff?

I wouldn't call myself staff, but I do have my jobs to do around here.

Are you paid?

Is that union?

Okay.

Do you have a union?

Are you straight?

Yes, I am, sir, actually.

Is it in the HR department?

You may find some things you like in here.

It depends which door you go through or which door you came in.

I don't know where you came from.

Do you have any recommendations?

I recommend you try to do something about that kid who's maybe gonna die out there.

All I'm here to do is play a game with you.

That's all.

Just gonna play a game.

And then you can carry on with your little adventure or story or whatever it is.

What's the game then?

I gotta take a couch with me.

The game we're gonna play is

Dead Hen's Dice.

No, I don't like the name of that game.

No, no, no, don't worry about it.

It's just a game.

So you see, you hear him clattering as he takes all of the stuff out as we draw here.

Now, this is a game.

Well, what are your names, by the way?

Quenreo.

You could call me Quen.

Okay Quen, nice to meet you.

What about the kid out there?

Kid, what's your name?

I'm sort of between throwing up I'll just shout shout my name at you on the hammer and then I'll go back to throwing up.

It sounds quite like a vomiting noise.

Yeah, yeah it's really hard to distinguish what my

okay did he say hammer?

Hammer!

What about you?

Pedro pastel.

I don't shake hands.

I'm sorry to.

I'm sorry to want to throw it.

It's more that you don't want to shake hands with me, that's all.

Sure, that's not true.

Due to the nature of my work.

Oh.

Okay.

I'm Felderell.

Feld Felderelle.

Felderelle.

It's quite a complicated.

How do you spell that?

Any way you like, Darling.

He starts to write in his ledger.

Okay.

So let's play the game.

Did you just write her name down?

Is that her name?

Sure.

Yeah?

Oh, you know, your name's on in this book.

Oh, no, right.

Not yet.

Oh.

Okay, we're gonna play Dead Hands, Dice.

Now, this is a game that's popular among the space pirates on the Astral Sea.

You might have heard of it, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Now the rules are very simple.

All you gotta do is roll some bones.

You know what bones are?

Dice.

Yeah, yeah, some people call them dice.

You sure?

So,

some people call them that, sure.

But these, um, these bones, all we gotta do is we gotta find a winner.

And maybe we find a loser.

How you play, so easy.

You roll your dice, you roll your bones, bones, and whoever gets the highest total number, they're gonna win the prize.

I got all these bones here.

Here's a catch.

You can roll as many dice as you want.

You can roll one.

Maybe you roll two.

Maybe you roll three.

Maybe you feel like you can roll four.

Maybe you go for five.

Maybe you roll six dice.

Maybe it comes to your turn, you decide, I'll go seven.

You go out.

We can't.

You think to yourself, maybe my wife would have wanted me to roll nine.

Roche.

Roll ten.

Here's the catch.

Roll as many dice as you want to win the game.

But if any of those dice

have a one on it,

you're out.

Okay.

If any of you roll two ones,

You're out.

And you're dead.

Dead.

That's why it's called Dead Hands Dice.

The pirates, they play it for money,

they play it for love,

and they play it for lives.

And we're gonna play it right now.

There's your bones.

Thank you for listening to the third episode of Here Comes the Mighty Helm of Balathor with Frankie Boyle, Christopher MacArthur Boyd, Louis Stewart, Frankie's son Thor, and dungeon master Rab Florence.

This episode was recorded at Sloan's Bar in Glasgow, produced by myself, Andy Logue, and the music created by Michael Cameron and Michael Bell from the band Park Safely.

Tune in next week for the fourth episode of Here Comes the Mighty Helm of Balathor to find out how the gang get on playing Dead Hands Dice.

You can get all the episodes of Here Comes the Guillotine on Global Player right now.

Search for Global Player on your app store or go to globalplayer.com.

This is a Global Player original podcast.