Here Comes The Mighty Helm of Balathor (Part Two)

Here comes the guillotine contains offensive language, mature content, and adult themes.

It is not suitable for a younger audience.

This is a Global Player Original Podcast.

Hello, and welcome back to Here Comes the Mighty Helm of Balathor.

It is a Dungeons and Dragons offshoot of the podcast.

This is part two.

It's part two.

And

myself, Rab Florence, DM, Louise, Stewart, Thor, my son and CMB

are,

as you will probably know by now, on a magical quest.

We're adventuring together.

Hope you enjoy it.

Peace and love in the new Millennium Brother.

Can Can we get a bit of wine before we head into this fucking day?

Yeah, let's have a drink.

Yeah, Jacob kind of bows his head as he's kind of sitting away and he just looks really weary.

He just starts to bend forward a little bit, leaning again.

Leaning around the bar,

breathing heavily.

This is too depressing.

He closes his eyes

and he rests his head on the bar.

And it's then you can read the stone on his back.

I was going to say, why is he carrying that big stone?

Which reads

Jacob Stone Shift.

Oh no!

How dear.

There's no date on it.

There's just his name, Jacob Stone Shift.

Lies here.

It says underwater.

Oh, it took me too long to get that.

It's not a deal breaker.

Fuck sick.

The barmaid.

Who was doing looking for some coin?

Everything's gone very quiet behind the bar as well.

Everything has gone very still.

Hello?

Or just tap on the bar?

Nothing.

Yeah, what happened to that?

Hello, what's her name?

Alice?

What's that her name?

Alice.

Alice.

Alice, I think.

Alice.

Carlin.

Alice.

No response.

It's very silent in here now.

Is she nowhere to be seen?

No.

Shall I search this place?

No, let's have a like.

Let's have a rummage.

Pretty sure he's dead, but can I check?

This guy's dead.

Yeah.

You're not apparently dead.

You can heal him with something.

Yeah, maybe, maybe.

He's dead

and cold.

He seems long dead, actually.

As

an orphan.

You know what dead is?

That's not what I'm orphaning.

Everybody knows what death is.

Everybody, everybody knows what death is, and here we are.

I wonder if he's got anything in his pocket.

I wouldn't have, I don't know if I would have written this empty pub in this if I'd known Manny was an alkey.

She's a big girl

a while.

I'll stick two bottles of wine in my lap sec and then uh done.

I want to look for her.

When you go in behind the bar

there are there are doors on either side of the space behind the bar.

So it looks like, well, you're assuming that maybe she's went out through one of the doors or you've been talking.

Is there any chance I could just open the door and peek in and not go in it?

The door.

Can I put my ear up to the doors and

there is no sound behind that door and in fact the door feels completely solid to the touch.

The doorknob is set, it almost feels like a doorknob set in a wall.

It doesn't even feel like a door.

Son of a bitch.

For both doors?

Not just for one of them.

Gotta try the other one?

Yeah.

Both the same.

I think we need to go out the front door.

Can I do that

behind the bar?

Do they be stairs trick?

You're still lighting the moods.

I'm going to award you inspiration for that.

So no, that didn't.

You'll get inspiration.

Would it be worth it?

Had I been taking this hammer?

Is this hammer any good?

Yeah, can I look at his shirt?

Is it any good?

Actually, no, I'm not stealing this dead.

No, his hammer is like a workman's hammer.

It's like for a hammer and chisel type business, there's certainly nothing that competes with.

Yeah, I'm not going to steal from this dead guy.

I'm going to steal from every dead guy throughout this game.

That's the end of the game, isn't it?

I'm living bodies.

Or do we have to go through one of the three doors into

the front door by sounds that?

There's no

magic card.

If we try and do that.

There's a secret trapdoor somewhere.

You can listen.

You can have a search if

you want to do a search.

I think I've got quite good perception.

I mean, just a little bit of a message.

Remind me of your stats.

Passive perception 12, passive investigation, 14,

passive insight, 12.

And then I also have a move.

What are your proficiencies, by the way?

Do you have a proficiency in perception?

What does that mean?

In skills, it's like...

Yeah, have you not got the skills section?

Oh, this here, perception, plus two.

Oh, right, so you have right, so you do have the the plus two more.

Born in plus five, by the way, that's why I got inspiration for that stair.

But

right, we'll make it okay, well, do your perception rule then.

Right.

So that will be that's a D20, and it will plus your wisdom plus your two.

Plus my wisdom plus my.

Or you'd be either a zero in it for wisdom.

Well, yeah, it's a plus one.

Yeah, so just plus two.

Ten, twelve.

No, you don't

find anything that

could help you go out of here apart from

perhaps the door you came in?

Let's get out of that front door.

Finish our drinks.

Got one for you, one for me.

Is there any cash?

I like to drink in the temple.

You might have a beer if you guys buy it for a while.

It's like there's a whole lot of copper and silver coins, so let's say five copper, three silver.

Five copper, three silver.

Okay, Roke.

Right, heading to the door.

What's your marching order, by the way?

Like, who's the leader?

I go first.

Who's got the most hit points?

I've got eight.

I don't have a leader.

I'm my own man.

Or do you want to go first then?

Lead me into the homestead.

I'm a sneaky guy.

I could be a kind of wrecky type guy.

Alright.

You're experienced.

What's I going to summon my snake?

Before we head off into anything.

Are we suspicious enough to summon the snake?

Summon my familiar.

Should I do it now?

Go for it.

Music here for like an hour.

Yeah, sure.

So how does it work, summon a familiar?

You summon a snake and it does a bit of poison damage and it can do a bit of rec-right.

So you want to send a snake out the front door?

Yeah.

Well, or should we just wait till we're in the dungeon?

Can a snake open the door?

How big is it?

It's a bore constrictor that could wrap around the door handle and twist it and then

we're going to have to spend a wee forty-five minutes just kinda getting an idea of the snake.

I think so.

Once we're in the size here.

Maybe over lunch we'll think about the scene.

We can plan to get away from it.

I think your characters always think about it.

Okay.

Who's you're opening the door?

I'll go.

Yeah, fuck it.

Do you want me to follow you up?

In for a penny, in for a pound.

As I always say.

I think I'll go in.

So Quenril, when how much did you drink, by the way?

I was mind-sweeping.

Quenrill opens the door.

And the door opens, this time not to the pleasant scenery around the homely village of Hawshair, but to a gloomy dungeon chamber reeking with age and mould.

The sound of dripping water on echoing stones strips from you any sense of warmth that the sloping hoof might have encouraged within your chest.

I've been in a lot of mental pubs, but you're the one like this.

You're still in the pub,

he's just opened the door, he's haven't stepped inside yet.

I think you should get your snake out, mate.

Yeah.

We don't really know how it works.

Oh, never mind.

I just need to cast a spell.

Sounding familiar.

Yeah.

Takes an hour.

It's a retro thing and he needs like some charcoal or something.

Well, I'll just go.

I daintily, gingerly almost step out into the dungeon.

You should forward roll.

Okay, I'll forward roll into all

doorways finale.

No, the entrance chamber...

The entrance chamber is mostly featureless.

Aside from a painted wooden sign in the centre of the room.

It reads, you are now somewhat inside the wonderful and magical travelling dungeon of Memoria Memaya.

There is another wooden door set in the north wall, and the room is illuminated by glass orbs strung along the stone walls, filled with flying, glowing insects.

There is a hat on the floor against the eastern wall.

My character likes a hat.

Well, I'd quite like to get that hat.

You're going over the hat?

I'm going to route the hat.

As you approach, you notice that it's full of coins.

The hat.

In chalk,

above the hat, on the wall, written in chalk on the wall, it says, describe your own into the hat for great fortune.

Excuse me?

Describe your own into the hat for great fortune.

What the fuck does that mean?

Describe your own?

What happens if I just give the hat a wee kick?

Wee tap?

You give it a wee tap with your boot, the hat shifts a little bit, the coins jingle, a couple of coins fall out.

What does the hat look like?

It's almost like it might have one time been a black top hat, but it's been kind of crushed.

Like it has a kind of cost-tino look about it, like it's been stepped on.

Has a wee bit of height about it.

It's quite an attractive B-hat.

Yeah, I would, yeah, I would like that B-hat.

I'm being honest.

I'd like the hat more than a gold.

You wouldn't want to crush your hair though, would you?

True, but if it rains

there to protect my hair.

And also, for disguises in future.

We talk how to be movie guns.

You don't have enough disguises.

Who's at this hat at the minute?

Only you.

Anyone else got John?

I'll come up to the hat and I'm trying to decode this.

What I think is a riddle on this wall.

What is your passive perception?

Ten.

Can you make a wisdom check for me?

Yeah.

Two.

Jesus.

Oh, fuck.

Anybody else having a look at this hat?

I'll have it.

I'll have it.

I'll have a look.

I'll have a look.

Can you have a look?

How many?

I've got perception zero.

Okay.

So try and perceive this hat one after the other.

Let's perceive that.

All of our wisdom shine.

Ever.

Sex.

Well, you recognise.

You recognise.

Also, you're quite a learned individual being a wizard.

So the thing that strikes you is that these coins are of

different places.

They're all like all these coins are are for different lands, different worlds, different.

There's loads of coins you can't even recognise in there.

So that's what strikes you.

Is that just a box office?

I see two options.

We are either supposed to describe, well, three, maybe.

We're maybe supposed to describe one of our own coins, or maybe it means like your penis.

On the wall, it reads: describe your own into the heart for great fortune.

I shall describe a coin.

I hold a gold coin in front of my face and I describe what I see.

The face of our uncle leader, presumably.

Kim Jong-un coin.

What's on the back of the coin?

On the back of the coin is a mighty griffin.

Oh.

And as you finish speaking,

ding,

a coin lands in the hat.

The coin you described.

Could I try to pick up the hat?

Yes.

This is when we could really use a snake.

As you pick up the hat and lift it away from the wall, you realise that it starts to vanish and you can

appear once again

on the floor.

It's one of the types of hats.

It's one of those hologram hats.

Should we all describe our coins?

Do we not all have the same coin though?

Then we're all just putting more holographic coins.

Yeah, maybe we should just get on with it.

Can I stab it with my spear?

Yeah, yeah, you wanna stab it with your spear.

Yeah, sure.

Make a hologram.

Make an attack roll.

Alright.

Oh god.

Twelve.

You jab your spear, bang through, and it it hits

coins spill out and scatter onto the floor, including the coin you described that rolls to your feet, lands at your toe.

Maybe I have to fight the hat.

I will touch it gently with my quarter staff

and see if it's solid.

I'll pick it up.

You have a coin?

I've got another coin.

Is that just an infinite money?

I now have 131 coins.

I've got 100.

He's quite a lot of money.

Yeah, missile into the coin, like that.

Are you asking your only wizard to use lying skill slots on a hat?

I don't know how much used cash is going to be in this environment.

Yeah, we were already quite rich, obviously.

Whatever, losers

don't understand the importance of that.

This hat seems to just be a hat.

I guess it's like an illusion hat, but

I don't know how much we're getting out of that.

But then why is it saying that you get a great fortune?

Well, I guess you get

coins.

Shit!

Oh, it's a fucking word.

Well, you could do it like 35 and then you've got 30 quid.

If we'd built Carsby Does Jed, like I suggested,

we'd know what was happening by now.

Fuck it.

You know how this hat works.

I mean, it would.

You're a professional.

We know how this hat works.

Right, it's either we fight the hat or we leave the hat.

Well, Christopher's option is fuck the hat.

Again, if we're talking about leaving,

there's that door in the north wall that's the only one.

There's another one.

And

there's also the door back into the pub.

I don't want to go back, but I want to see if we can get back into the pub if it lets us out.

I'm on ain't one.

Let's go check the pub door again.

Right, so.

We've been drinking this all day.

Well, none of you said you've closed the door, so you walk freely.

You can walk freely through it back into the pub.

Oh, okay.

And everybody's still fucking with the door.

For a drink anytime they want.

So we've established.

You get fucking free coins.

You get free drink.

What's the fucking best dungeon ever?

What is there to complain about?

I don't know, really.

Can I just go in there and pour myself a beer from the tap?

Absolutely.

Like this hat is.

Absolutely.

No, I will listen.

See if he's getting increasingly wrecked.

I will start to.

I've only had one beer, so I feel on my cost.

I only had a small glass of shardy.

No, no, no.

My guy's not a big drinker.

He's sort of sheltered from his temple.

He's just a pup.

But does that mean you're going to be wrecked after this one pint?

True.

How much are you doing?

He's a big guy.

He's sort of a big guy.

Yeah, we'll be a constitution check after your pint.

I'm sipping it slowly.

I'll take my time with it.

Think of this hat issue.

It says describe your own.

Yeah.

Can I describe anything into there and it would just appear?

Yeah, I'm I'm gonna start describing Roshi.

My mother.

Oh, Roshie.

She was half-hog, beautiful.

She was a barmaid, I see.

But you're not in the pub shouting this out the door to a hat.

Yeah.

Is Rushing Deets?

Well, yeah, she's dead.

Oh, you know.

Thanks for bringing it up.

I didn't know she was dead.

I don't think they've known this.

No, this is an animation for the group.

But yeah,

she passed away.

She kept me away from feverie, but now she's gone.

I thought, fuck it.

In for a penny, in for a pound back from my own catch face

um yeah is that good enough for you fucking that bastard

you hear a sound

and a ring appears in that

you recognize it as your wife's wedding ring the wedding band you gave her yeah all those many

years ago this is what i drink

my guy starts drinking his beer more quickly i'm so glad i didn't describe my penis

a wet thud.

You've depressed me.

Well done, hat.

Well, is there Anything useful we could describe that we might get

a key for this door?

Is the door locked?

Yeah, should we go check this door at the other end?

I'll finish my beer and I've got to check it.

But then it's your own, so does it have to be something you actually own and not just something that you can conjure from?

I don't know what about this hat.

It's just a magic rehat.

It's a magic rehat, to be honest with you.

I love that magic rehat.

I feel like a magic rehat.

I feel like it's important in some sense.

I mean, how buried I would fisherine and hear it is in front of me.

We should check the door.

The door is just a door.

It's just a door.

It's not a keyhole.

It's a wooden aged door set.

There's no keyhole.

It's a wooden aged door set with a little lever handle on it.

Oh, this is the door past the hat into the dungeon.

I'm just going to try to open it.

I've had enough of this hat.

The cramped stone hallway that stretches ahead of you is wet with damp.

Moss grows up the ancient walls.

A crackling sound carries low towards you.

Perhaps for the flickering torchlight, perhaps for something else.

The hallway leads to another door in the north wall.

I forgot there was whole lamps filled with bugs.

Oh yeah.

Should we try and communicate with the bugs?

I think that would

be a really pointless waste of time.

Sorry.

They brought the hat, they talked to the insects.

We've got into one room, by the way.

Maybe if we release them from their prison, they can show us a way.

And plunges into darkness.

Oh, yeah.

Sorry, my green one is making me mental.

They are showing us away.

Section check.

Beautiful.

You realise, Hammer, that...

Hammer's your name, right?

Yeah.

You spelt it wheels.

Right.

You realise that the crackling sound you can hear is coming for these insects that you can see just down in the lower left of the room.

It's going to be marching line at insects.

Not the ones in the lights.

No, these are things marching on the floor.

Are they crackling?

Are they tiny?

Dance or something?

Something like that.

Yeah, you explore a bit further, you can see them.

I'm going to go look at them a wee bit.

Yeah.

You can see this line, a little red ants, just marching along.

Where are they coming from?

Are they going?

Coming through a crack in the stone, there's a little crack in the brickwork of the stone right down at the floor.

And they'll just kind of crawl out of that, coming along, and then curving back in and away.

Almost makes you feel though this kind of pleases you a bit because there'll be a sign of life inside

lesser evil ants.

inside the dungeon you know

the comforting sides of glowing insects

my guy is unbelievably baffled at this point you want to carry one along the hall i feel it yeah i mean

if it can support ants it can support us as i always say

to small guy part of that

yeah it could carry up to six times their own body weight i don't see why they

shouldn't follow them.

So, heading up to the door, and again, just the same kind of door.

It's a normal.

And then, just a wooden door with a lever handle in it again.

It takes us through to the same hallway.

Forward roll through this.

Who's got martial order now?

I'm still

by default.

Forward rolling in every room, you should be able to see it.

I'll be just behind you.

So, you're behind the room.

This room.

This room is much cleaner than the rooms you've seen so far.

The walls have been scraped clear of moss and plant growth.

The torches burning brightly look like they've been recently renewed.

A wooden sign in the middle of the room reads you are still somewhat inside the wonderful and magical travelling dungeon of Memoria Mimaya.

Below that lettering on the sign, somebody has recently scrubbed the sign clean.

Doors lead after the eastern wall on the right and double back to the south through a different door.

So you've came in through this door here, and there's another door set in that wall heading back that way.

But when we came through the other way, there wasn't any other door, so what's that done?

Is that just going back into the same room we came from, or is it like big enough to go through a different room?

Should we start drawing a map?

But then

I suppose it was what did you say the place was?

A

travel and dungeon.

Of time and space or something, though.

So I'm just putting a map together, really?

First room, pub.

Pub.

Pub.

Second room, hat.

Magic hat.

Yeah.

First room, hats.

Okay.

Although, although, remember that I will say that the next room that you're talking about there, after the one with the hat, was a cramped stone hallway.

Oh, right, all right.

Cramped.

Cramped stone.

There's one to the east, is it?

No.

One to the south, one to the

door after the east.

East, yeah.

And one heading back.

First of all, why has the room been cleaned?

It makes me think that people have left messages or something.

Do you know what I mean?

We should probably check it.

I'd also say if you're listening at home, you might want to draw your own map.

Prize for the dress map.

If you go on Instagram and mark in Christopher McCarthy's more stories, you can see

a map.

Remember, we're in the theatre of the mind here.

You see this map that you're drawn?

Is your character drawn this map?

Yes.

Do you have paper?

Did you have paper on the map?

Fuck.

I have.

But if you have something.

Maybe I'm doing it with a stick on a wall or something.

I'm happy to assume that somebody like you who's lived for as long as this knows how to kind of

exactly would know how to.

I've drew up blueprints and things in the past for jobs.

Yeah, so that's part of the burglar's kit, I'd say.

And I also, you know, I also imagine as well you've probably got a pretty good memory for spaces and stuff like that if you're a buggler.

Yeah, yeah.

Casing joints and all that.

It's been a while since I've been in, you know.

Paper to leave a mocking receipt when you stay something.

Quinral was here.

Common refrain.

Shall we search for messages in this room?

Yeah.

My character has

plus four investigation.

But I would like to see if there's like a just any remaining.

What do you want to check for?

Were you checking the walls?

Yeah, just

checking the walls.

It feels suspicious to me that everything's been so murky, and then all of a sudden this room's like.

Well, make a roll.

I would say just a perception shift.

Alright, so plus two.

For fuck's sake.

Eight.

Is that a plus two?

Because I thought your wisdom was just a a zero.

I thought it was like a.

Oh, fuck yeah.

Don't get me fucked up.

No, because they're in a band.

I'm in it, wait, wait, wait, wait.

No, no, no.

And my skills, I've got perception plus two.

Oh, I'm about it, right?

Okay.

Of course, right.

All right, so your role was what?

Eight.

An eight.

Okay, well, all you can tell really from these walls is that somebody has...

It's no natural how clean it is.

Somebody has been in here scraping it off and cleaning it off.

And there's no debris lying around either

underneath the walls.

It's not like somebody scraped it and left off it.

There's a sense that somebody has been in there.

There's been a bit of housekeeping happening in here.

There's been a clean-up job has happened in here of some kind.

I know that occasionally you read about a woman who thinks their partner's been unfaithful because he's washed the bed sheets.

We've washed the bed sheets, something was gone on.

It's that kind of

thing.

Is there like a drain on the floor?

Is there like somewhere?

Is there any kind of

stank or anything?

No sign of any kind of drain or stank.

We're on this adventure now.

So we look closely at this sign or something with some.

Yeah, the sign.

Perception check.

What am I?

Further up.

I've rolled an eight.

You've rolled an eight.

You don't...

You can't see anything.

Steaming.

I'm steaming.

Yeah.

Thinking about this thing but you can see but you can see that it's but you can you can all see that it's been scrubbed and cleaned

does anyone else want to have a look at it you want me to have a wee look at it should we peek at door

i'll have a wee look at it

17.

you sense

you sense though that you can if you just

lean it at a certain angle Can you use the bugs for some sort of.

If you just look at a certain angle, you can see lettering that's been scraped in there before or has been scrawled.

Something's been written there.

Something that's been written there before.

I can't work out what it is.

Oh no, you can.

Oh, I can't.

It seems the first word seems to be do.

The second word seems to be not.

Oh, that's always a good sign.

Do not

wake

the sleeper.

Can I turn around to everyone and be like,

keep on trying, Chat is that?

Do not wake up.

I have very little faith in Falderell to stay silent for very long.

This doesn't give us any help on what direction to go, though.

Should we check the door that goes back?

There isn't going back to the bedroom.

Yeah, the other south door.

So the south door, again,

wooden door.

This one looks cleaner,

sturdier.

Lever handle again,

but locked.

Could I uh Jimmy it?

Oh, yeah.

You certainly can give it a go.

Can I, Jimmy?

Slight of hand, maybe.

If you've got lock picking, lock picking is one of your.

I must.

If you've got a burglar's kit, you'll have a lock.

Right, okay.

Make your roll.

17.

Beautiful.

A wee fiddle.

Feel free to explain to them how you do it.

How do you actually pick a lock?

What's involved?

You get a little air pin, yeah,

you put that in, and then a lock is like

these little things that come down like that.

And you've got, from what I know, many is a thievery.

You've got to jimmy them up one at a time.

That's what I said, Jimmy.

Yeah, once they're all up, you pull it out, you twist it, it's like a key.

You've made a key out of a pin.

The door opens.

So does that skill that he's just imparted mean that we can do that?

No.

What?

Because it's like, see a craftsman lattice.

An artist or picking locks.

Your hands are too soft.

Sounds simple.

Fair enough.

I'm just clinging on to every word you're saying that you're like, I would find it a useful skill.

Oh, but you would, y'all, bastard.

The door opens to a strange sight.

This is a bright, clean room, which looks like some kind of dining quarters.

A table and chairs sit against one wall.

A tin wash basin is set into wooden furniture against the other.

A cooking device with four places set atop it is belching blue fire

against the southern wall.

But the most startling thing in this room is the window.

From the window can be seen an outdoors that none of you recognise.

A garden lawn is out there, with pretty flowers growing against a wire fence to the rear.

Rows of neighbouring houses stretch away through this lawn.

These houses look strange, unlike any houses you've ever seen in horse hair or elsewhere in your travels.

Have we travelled through?

Where are we?

I mean,

do I recognise any of these?

No, completely recognisable.

You know what a table and chairs is?

Yeah.

Right?

Yeah, stand on a few of them.

And you know what?

You recognise that it's a wash basin, but just the way things are configured.

The materials that the table are made of, this just

seems alien to you.

This machine, this contraption that's belching the blue flame, this is like nothing you've seen before.

You can feel the heat for it.

It's a wallpaper.

But it's, you don't have a...

You have a calming feeling about you.

It's a pleasant feeling to have this window and this bright light and this.

It's quite airy feeling in here, you know.

So we're in this room, we're not looking at this room through a window.

Does the window open?

Oh, we need to go in first.

No, we're not in it.

She was standing.

She's in standing.

We're in the room right with it.

In the kitchen, essentially.

Can I touch the table?

How about we just feel it?

Rub it.

Smooth.

Oh, warm.

Warm.

Very pleasant.

You can imagine sitting at this table and you remember your wife, you remember the many meals you had with your wife.

She would have loved it.

She was always saying, She wished tables were smooth.

She never knew

she was here.

You just went into a pub and now you're sitting at an alien table with your dead wife's wedding ring.

Weeping.

So any sort of check I can do to see if I would be able to work out what this room is or what that's out the window in any way?

Like if I recognise any of it or just not recognise it at all.

It all seems very alien to you, but are you spending a bit of time at this window?

I'd love to send a snake into that neighbourhood

to kill everything.

I'm really trying to ignore that, I know what I'm trying to want to say.

You see something,

and you quickly tell the others to come and look when you see this.

But you see a giant metal contraption, seems to be some kind of road,

and you see this giant metal contraption moving up and away, and there's people inside it.

There's people

all up top and all along the bottom, and it's moving up and away.

It's like nothing you've ever seen before.

It looks like a kind of

like a giant armoured double horse

machine.

Oh, disgusting.

I don't know how you would describe it.

I don't know how you would describe it.

How would you describe it?

A sort of chariot of metal.

Is that the sort of vibe it's given?

Yeah, like a giant chariot, metal chariot full of people.

So, have we opened the window?

Have you tried it?

Is it on the ground?

Is it in the air?

This chariot?

I don't know.

It's moved up and away

out of sight.

Yeah, you can't quite see whether it's on wheels or.

Can I open the window?

Try and see if it's like making a sound.

Yes, you can.

There's a handle on the window

that allows it to swing open almost like a door.

You open it up.

Yeah.

And when you turn and you open the window,

behind it, there's a stone wall.

No outdoors, no lawn,

just a stone wall.

And behind that stone wall, a black void where

you immediately recognise this because

you've had some training in your temple, you're a paladin, you've had some information about what awaits it in the world.

But there is fungus growing here-huge

fungus,

living

fungus,

and it is not pleased that you've let the light in.

So

I'm going to need everybody to roll initiative.

Oh, Oh, no.

So maybe.

Maybe we should stop there for lunch actually.

Can we roll initiative?

I rolled a one, yeah.

That was pretty good.

Oh my god.

But I have a thing called luck where if I roll a one I can roll again.

So that's quite nice.

That's good.

A group of hammered grieving entertainers against a giant fungus.

Thank you for listening to the second episode of Here Comes the Mighty Helm of Balathor with Frankie Boyle, Christopher MacArthur Boyd, Louise Stewart, Frankie's son Thor and Dungeon Master Rav Florence.

This episode was recorded at Sloan's Bar in Glasgow, produced by myself, Andy Logue, and the music was created by Michael Cameron and Michael Bell from the band Park Safely.

Tune in next week for the third episode of Here Comes the Mighty Helm of Balathor to find out how the gang deal with that massive, displeased fungus.

You can get all episodes of Here Comes the Guillotine on Global Player right now.

Search for Global Player on your app store or go to globalplayer.com.

This is a Global Player Original Podcast.