Sanguine is Blood, Right?

Here Comes the Guillotine contains offensive language, mature content, and adult themes.

It is not suitable for a younger audience.

Talking about cunts.

At the time of the cards,

this was

this weekend, was the big Unite the Kingdom march.

Fucking hell.

So I left London on Saturday afternoon.

London was a bit tense.

Really?

No, but see, for somebody that's grew up in a city with sectarian parades and spends a lot of time in Belfast, I really didn't think I'd be that bothered, but I was like, oh no, here they are.

Did you see all the stuff online about them

about a lot of those attending that rally buying things like onion badges yeah

indian street food and such like

and then that's the lie behind the whole thing even if you look at intermarriage rates in england like people are just marrying between religions all the time interracial marriage you kind of have to yeah i mean you know that genetic diversity is key to not having Habsburg jawed freaky babies.

Well, the Catholic Church took away cousin marriage in like the 12th century.

They were like, none of this nonsense, because we are morally right.

And if there's one thing we know about the Catholic Church,

they always get relationships right.

Yeah.

England has taken on a lot of stuff from like late 1970s, early 80s Rangers.

Yes.

And if they'd only taken on more Celtic stuff and they'd had like a folk revival and soda bread

and soda bread for breakfast.

Yeah.

They'd be happier people.

Yeah.

Listen, it had a very very um I felt that it had a very

early 1980s, early to mid 1980s feel about it at that real national front fucking

Stone Island stuff going on in the ah, it's just awful.

And then there was a bit of a thing at Euston where I seen some anti-Fa protesters and then I seen some middle-aged bald men coming out of fucking Marks and Spencer's um with their union

union flags and I thought it might fucking kick off here.

But it didn't.

But it was tense, it was tense.

I feel I've kind of been going on about it forever.

Like going, you know, like we're fucking ten years away from camps, we're fucking five years away from four years away from camps.

And you know, all that kind of like moralistic stuff on the left of yeah, but fucking he said this and one time he did that and but it's just like fuck you people are really gonna need to get your act together'cause there was a hundred thousand fascists and there was five thousand counter protesters and fucking well done to them but at the same time you'd hope it'd be the other way around i just don't think the left can be

i just don't think the left can be aggressive it just doesn't feel as if it's got that capability within itself to to go toe-to-toe and and match them someone like so they've done a stop trump rally right which is generally so i think i mean i don't know them that well but to me it seems they're doing a thing to generally rally people around and go, like, let's fucking fight against the whole anti-migration, far-right, reform, that whole thing.

But they've phrased that as, Trump's coming, let's have a protest, let's organise, right?

So they've done a bit of promo that's like Britain 2030, and it does a bit of kind of viva vendetta style, you know, stuff of the shit that's happening then, King.

There's already lefties and people who broadly support those kind of positions on there going, oh, this is out of order.

This is like, you know, this is like the sort of thing the right, right-wing people would do.

And you're like, Well, maybe you should fucking get started.

Do you know what I mean?

So, on Saturday night, I came back and I played the new stand, and on the bill was someone who identifies as pansexual, someone who identifies as lesbian, me who identifies as lesbian, a gay man, and

the legend that is Mr.

Raymond Merns, right?

And

he's his own character,

he's his own.

and um, I went out and I done it, I'd done a joke about obviously being an older gay and stuff like that.

And so, I was walking out the club.

There was three now, this is in the heart of the west end of Glasgow, and there was three older guys looking quite middle class.

And they were like, Oh,

what about it being all the gay stuff?

What about it being all the other gay stuff?

And I was like, I'm in the fucking west end of Glasgow, these aren't even bams, These are men in their 50s with good jobs that are having a night out together, having a few beers.

They're probably being in quite a nice boozer beforehand.

And they're fucking

commenting on

people's sexuality before commenting whether they thought they were funny.

And I just thought, this is fucking depressing.

And it's not like the stand isn't your kind of standard comedy club that would attract stags and hens and buckets of beer and stuff like that.

In fact, it actively avoids that.

So you're sitting going, if this is the educated West End of Glasgow, what fucking chance have we got in that smaff year?

They are wanks.

Oh, they are wanks.

Like, I mean, you love it.

No, they are wanks.

But you are just sitting going,

fucking hell.

And then I'd done a joke about reform, and somebody booed.

And I was like, Are you booing a joke about reform?

Fuck's sake, you're like, Where are you, man?

I was like,

people won't go back though, and that's good.

You know, you need to have if you're gonna have a have a good lineup like that, you're gonna have people going, What the fuck,

and then you know, you're not gonna see them again.

Well, one of the acts, uh, Kim Blythe, who many of you might know for TikTok, good act, really good, uh, lesbian, identifies a lesbian, great lassie.

And I was saying to her, What the fuck was that reform boo backstage after I'd came off?

And she went, Oh no, last night,

apparently somebody had asked a member of staff,

Is this a gay night?

And the member of staff, who is part of the queer community, went, No.

And they went, Would it be a problem if it was?

And the guy just turned around to his pal and went,

This is why Charlie Kirk gets shot.

What the fuck?

What the fuck was this?

Also, every night is a gay night.

I mean, gay people own the night.

You're right.

Daytime is for straight people.

Do your fucking stuff.

Do your stuff, do your breeding.

Cause you can be bisexual at Blade.

Do you know what I mean?

You can't straddle both.

A day walker.

A gay walker.

A gay walker.

I consider myself the blade of Glasgow.

I am, yeah, it's weird, isn't it?

I mean, rest in piss, Charlie Cook.

I sent you that video.

I'd seen a picture of a dinosaur called the iguana.

You know, the iguanodon?

Yeah, yeah.

With a big thumb.

Seen this picture of the iguanodon jabbing another dinosaur in the neck.

Blood was spurting out.

And I was like, I feel like spiritually, Charlie Cook's assassin is an iguanodon.

I am shocked at the fucking beatification of that man.

like the absolute, listen, guys, he was somebody's son.

Listen, and I'm like, well, so was fucking Hitler, but nobody's talking about going, do you know what?

Everyone's entitled to their opinion.

Fuck off.

I think to be under a sign that says, prove me wrong and get shot dead.

No, it's not funny.

It's not.

The thing is, it's not not funny.

A big

thing about comedy is irony.

Yep.

And if you are doing speeches where you're like,

people are going to get shot, it's worth people getting shot

to have guns.

And then you get shot.

It's kind of like a Simpsons joke.

One of the things that happens is far-right people abstract their position into things like flags and

the good old days and

stop the boats and all that kind of stuff.

They have concrete positions, right?

And their concrete positions involve deporting hundreds of thousands of people, making life miserable for everybody, possibly things like further down the line, banning people from being homosexual, certainly trans people with a horrific time out of the minute reform got in, all that kind of stuff.

And it ends with camps.

It ends with putting your enemies into some kind of internment and/or assassinating them, right?

As if you're going to stand up in public and advocate for those positions, which we know are your possessions, however much you abstract them, you're going to get some fucking pushback.

You know, there's going to be, you know, you're putting yourself at considerable risk because what you're advocating is bad for everybody.

However, the assassin or the alleged assassin, as we should say, apparently thought Charlie Kirk was a bit too much to the left.

I don't know though, because like when these bullets seem catch this fascist and all that stuff.

So I think it's like who knows at the moment?

And everybody's trying to not own this guy and go go he was a right-wing guy, he was a left-wing guy, whatever.

But ultimately, we don't yet know.

It's like that.

What is his name?

Who was the other assassin who was carving stuff on his bullets?

Luigi.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, and then.

Tori Wangeloni, I think.

But then every, like, people were like, fuck, have you seen how hot that assassin was?

He's fucking.

Then you were like, wow.

Yeah.

Wow.

Break up.

Apparently, he's doing great in jail.

Everybody's really sound to him.

Yeah.

Well, get these guys out and form a kind of suicide squad of, you know, Nancy Hunters.

Like Larious Bullet Covers.

And glorious bastards.

I watched the Blues Brothers last night.

Oh, yeah.

I did.

Won't get your whole fried chicken.

Won't get your dry white toast.

Four fried chickens.

Four fried chickens.

I fucking love that film.

I just said that to my son yesterday who had never seen the film and had no idea what the fuck was on the film.

Fuck him in a similar boat.

Fucking great film.

But you know, like at the um at the start or relatively close to the start when they're obviously getting chased and then they come into the bridge with the Nazis on it, right?

And I thought,

fuck, how far are we away from like being able to laugh at this shit again?

Like where you've got everyday normal people shouting at the Nazis on the other side of the bridge giving it fucking, these are fucking Nazis, fuck off.

And it was like,

I'm not sure

that people would shout at Nazis anymore to the same degree.

Like, where they actually rip the piss out the Nazis, they show a homoerotic relationship between the leader, all that kind of stuff.

Show them as just fucking thick white supremacists and you're going,

I don't know if

that would fly just now.

What are our current fleeing locations?

Where are we thinking?

Do you know what I mean?

For many years, I thought Ireland, you know, Ireland.

Yeah, they've gone a bit Celtic warrior.

Fucking.

I know that's a wrestler, but do you know what I mean?

Anyone who's got Celtic.

James O'Shaughnessy.

Anyone who's got Celtic such and such in their fucking profile is generally a fashion.

How do you know if it's Celtic or Celtic, though?

Well, by their racist,

I did I did used to consider Cork

I thought Cork would be a good place to go

become a blow-in yeah rest forget if you murdered

um

I thought Cork would be good I thought Cork would be uh

would have been a good place to go but now I'm thinking I've got no fucking clue probably Orkney at this rate well Cork will hold out even if Ireland goes fascist because that's what happened in the civil war.

Do you know what I mean?

So Cork would have been the rebel.

Rebel County.

Do you know what I mean?

So I think actually that's quite a good bet.

It also has a fuckload of shipping lines now after Brexit because as soon as they realised Brexit was going to happen, the EU gave them a ton of money because it's the first kind of landfall for them.

So that's handy.

What did you handle?

Handy, aye, if I need if I need to go and fucking stone a boat if it does get a bit fashion.

There's phenomenal facilities at Cork Docks.

How's Susie doing?

She's floating in a barrel

towards Belgium.

I would be quite happy.

With that, just floating in a barrel.

Just fucking hell, by the way.

As I often do, I read the podcast on trans

in the morning.

She managed to flick through it to go, you don't need to worry about the illegal.

Last time on, here comes a guillotine.

At the end, we spend 10 to 15 minutes discussing lunch

like a group of hobbits, and it's all about getting one course in because we need to record.

And then at the end, we go, we'll go to any any point two courses,

it was a one-course meal, I believe, but we ordered two courses that arrived simultaneously, yes, which is one course.

I think that's kind of the more.

I remember love.

I'm sorry to talk about Lord of the Rings, Susie, but I remember loving Lord of the Rings when I was a wee boy, and it was quite an abstract thing.

But now you get older and you live through these

things

like the rise of fishes,

the war of the ring, etc.

Do Do you know what I mean?

And it's like that's what a hobbit is: it's you.

You want to go for lunch with your puddles and you want to have a good time and sing songs.

And then a wizard comes to town and tells you, you need to fucking go fight against the Legions of Evil.

That's kind of what it is.

I didn't expect to relate to the Lord of the Rings.

But now I get what all J.R.I.

was going for.

Well,

I'm going to take the discussion in a different direction.

But on a tangent from that,

I was watching the Woody Allen documentary last night.

Quite worrying.

What's it called?

Isn't it called like

Alan V.

Farrell or something?

Oh, fuck.

Anyway, I don't know legally what we can say about all that, except whatever your position on the thing is certainly a very creepy dud.

Yeah.

But I was sort of wondering,

are all children's books, children's stories,

really about the child abstracting some kind of abuse, like dissociating?

So if you're locked in your uncle's wardrobe, perhaps a lion and a witch are going to come along at some point.

You know what I mean?

Like if you're locked in your uncle's wardrobe under the stairs, and then

a West Country giant comes along.

Well, Harry Potter is simply under the stairs, and he's been fucked by Mr.

Dunsley, right?

And Dudsley wants to keep it quiet, so he is he who cannot be named,

right?

So he's got to create a different abuser, but also he fractures his own personality into Harry, Ron and Hermione.

Fuck knows who he really is.

Yeah.

And also like, remember those horrible tasting sweets they have?

Yes.

That's fucking Dudsley.

Go and suck on this.

And it's fucking funny.

He thinks he's a sweet, but relate to he's horrible.

This isn't the version that you read to your kids when they were younger, is it right?

Expelliarm is maybe his safe word.

Well, it's even the uh it's even the the nature of Aldemot is that he's a horrux.

He's split his soul into people's flesh.

He's been abused.

Yeah.

Hurt people hurt people.

Yeah,

um,

I was thinking about this recently because uh you were thinking about this, yeah, what

that is not about uh Harry being abused under the stairs and never actually I think it's a class thing though, how it's like in a if you're working class and you've got to go private school type thing, um,

but uh I don't think he's working class, I think he's innately like posh in the same way that Oliver Twist is.

Yeah, Oliver Twist speaks differently from other kids, or great expectations.

It's like a weak guy who's supposed to no, is that what you're expecting?

Great expectations is for me really strangely never seemed to be about colonialism, which to me is what it's about.

A guy is sending you money back

all the time, but this money is fucking tainted and it poisons your life.

But that's generally never I've never seen it reading all this.

A dissertation idea for your

but I was thinking about this kind of children's literature thing'cause the guy who writes Lemony Snicket, Daniel Handler, he's writing a memoir and he's not, he's in interviews he's been sent to people he's been interviewed and he's talking about this mental condition he had when he was 20 where he kept seeing like white ghost figures in his peripheral vision and then he would come into his real vision and like go up to his like look try and like come into him.

So he went to the doctors, right?

I've been having these hallucinations and these

ghostly white figures come to me.

And the doctor gave him every medicine under the sun, and none of it done anything.

And then he said to the doctor, he went, Well, maybe we should, if none of this medicine is working, maybe we should start wondering whether or not these things are real.

And the doctor sent him to like a mental institution and he was in a sanitarium.

And even then, the white figures never disappeared.

And so he just told the doctor that they had gone and they let him out.

But now, 20, 30, 40 years later, he still is constantly haunted by these white

hallucinatory figures.

And you just wonder how many people in the world are haunted.

Haunted by these things.

It's incredible.

You know, the more incredible thing?

That's the second weirdest thing about him.

Because

he also played the accordion on the whole Magnetic Fields album 69 Love Songs.

Yeah.

Wild.

He said he was just the only guy that Stephen Merritt knew who could play the accordion.

So that's why.

Fair.

I'd believe us.

If we would go to Chris Forbes.

You never like we need an accordion.

Phone Forbesy.

Yeah.

Fun time Forbesy plays the accordion as well as being a basketball player.

Yeah.

He's a basketball player.

He was great and they said Department Q.

Q, yeah.

He shows up as a punk.

I didn't make it that far into Department Q.

It got good.

It got good.

It was good.

I find that difficult to believe.

No, it was good.

It got good.

What's happening here?

This is my equivalent of fucking like those ghosts.

People are saying department Q is good.

It goes pretty interesting by the end of it.

I thought maybe that woman was in the hyperbaric.

I spoiler alert, but I it was fucking it was bonkers, but it was good.

Yeah,

anyway, what were we talking about?

The rise rise of fascism, Charlie Cook getting shot in the neck.

I just think when you put that much fucking hate out in the world, he wasn't even a good debater.

Do you know the thing?

Like, see if he felt so strongly about that.

He was just, he was like this, what, 31, 32-year-old man?

Yeah, he was younger than me.

Bullying fucking young trans kids who were like, I'm trans and why do you fucking hate me?

And he's like, well, I hate you because you're a potential shooter.

South Park do a very funny sketch on it.

I don't know if it's still up online, but I seen it at the weekend weekend and it made me laugh.

Did you see where Trump got told about someone went, Trump, one of your closest allies being shot in the head?

How are you dealing with it?

And he was like, Yeah, it's fine.

We've got the new ballroom.

I'm trying to get his ballroom made for 150 years, and we're actually going to get it done this week.

And you're like, wow.

I think Trump, as a fascist, detests

weakness so much.

And he survived a shooting.

Well, you know, something grazed his ear.

It's like that thing with John, John, was it John Kerry, where he was slagging off John Kerry?

And then somebody was going, Donald, Mr.

President, you know, this guy was actually in prisoner of war camps in Vietnam.

Was it Vietnam he was in?

Oh, no, it was John McCain.

John McCain, not John Kerry, who's never been in a war, though, John McCain.

He was a Vietnamese prisoner of war and he was like, Yeah, I actually like the soldiers who didn't get caught.

I think it's a kind of similar thing, but it's like if you are weak enough to get shot in the neck, then I don't give a fuck about you.

I think you're on to something there because he does love Putin.

Yeah, who's never been shot?

Joe Jinping, and fucking who's

he likes a winner?

Yeah, he likes a wee bit of the North Korea and all that.

He likes a strong man, he likes a lot of, there's a lot of kind of bromance with masculinity, isn't there?

There's that kind of

horrible.

But I mean, the thing is, those people are actual strong men dictators.

It's like Putin's invaded the fucking sovereign country and all this stuff.

Whereas Trump Trump is just like

he's not done anything to stop Putin, he's not done any to stop Netting Yahoo.

In fact, it obviously facilitates that.

Yeah, I mean, that's the height of his ambition: helping someone else bomb a fucking refugee camp.

I think the Putin thing is

money-related to when he was a bit down in these hunkers.

I say down in these hunkers, not like us being down in our hunkers, going, Oh, I don't know if I can afford a Nippon kitchen.

And I think you can always afford a Nippon kitchen.

You're right, you're right.

Especially when you get vouchers from lovely indie rock bands for your

participating in music videos for them.

But I do think there is that thing where I think a Russian bank he's probably been the hawk too.

I just think it's probably like if American medium-term political interests weren't in line with his interests, he would just be told what to fucking do.

Do you know what I mean?

So I don't think it's really something like that.

It's more that they just

feel, oh, we're moving towards a thing where there's going to be more of us kind of lined lined up against China to some extent, and that, you know, you can't be as kind of vigorously anti-Russian as you used to be.

It's probably that he that his agenda just happened to fit in with that.

And

it's like it's bonkers.

So what I'm 45

and you just have grown up in a world where you were told these fucking commies, these fucking Russians, like, even though communism fell when I was 10, it was still the distrust of Russia was so prevalent and even just in our culture.

Do you know what I mean?

Even just music and film and books and all of that.

And then

how, like, things like people like the Cambridge spies were viewed because it wasn't like, oh, you were a traitor, you were a fucking traitor to Russia.

Like, that is the that is the what that is unforgivable.

And now it's like,

well, you know,

he's a be a bit misunderstood as Vladimir.

And maybe, maybe he has a point with NATO.

And you're like, no, he doesn't have a fucking point with NATO, he invaded a sovereign country.

You know, but like, like, Farage, for example, is going, well, you know, I mean, Putin warned if NATO encroached, he would invade, and he's invaded.

And you're like, well, that's

that doesn't make it right.

Doesn't make it right, but it does make you understand.

It's the whole idea of it's not being surrounded by NATO.

I mean, it is.

I mean, like, it's illegal, what you've done, and, you know,

but

the whole thing that we've had for a long time of going, and God knows why he would do that.

You're like, well, we do know why he would want Crimea as a port.

We do, you know, we do know why they would feel threatened by all that stuff.

The whole thing of NATO membership never really comes up in our society anymore.

SP, even in independence, is like, hey, maybe, you know, we'll be part of NATO.

Obviously, that's a given.

But, like,

you know, maybe we'll fucking rent out the nuclear bases to them on some kind of ad hoc basis, blah, blah, blah.

I don't even think it would be ad hoc well yeah it would just be like and you're just kind of like well how come none of this is ever discussed because these are major things particularly if you're coming from a thing going well we support independence well do you want to be independent from the eu do you want to be independent from nato do you want do you want to be part of a fucking war in the caucus what the fuck's that got to do with us scotland couldn't would never be allowed to not be part of nato because of its geographic location and the fact that we've got like the fact that we've got the biggest bomb stump in europe we've got Coolport, we've got Faz Lane.

Where's the big bomb dump?

Just up the road for Coolport.

I just, it's not that far.

I can't remember what it's called, but I.

And what's a bomb dump?

And dump bombs?

It's for the keep shit.

Oh, okay.

And then, like, so say, like, a car park.

Your boats would come up from, like, say, Southampton or wherever the fuck they're docked, and they would come up and they would do exercises around the country and then go back in.

Jesus.

So, because of that, and then because of the way of their geology in Scotland, there's a lot of kind of flight training that happens as well.

So, I just think

because of where we are, if you go five hours one way, you hit Moscow, five hours the other way, you hit New York.

Because of where we are, and how far I think we're the most populous landmass in the North Atlantic.

We've got a naval dockyard, we've got Fazley and Coolport.

I just think,

no, there is no way we not being allowed.

And if we weren't in NATO, my thoughts would be that America would come over and say, listen, remember we used to be in Rossi?

Well, how's about all that infrastructure you've got in your northeast coast?

How about we take that, we rent it from you, we keep you safe, we put an aircraft carrier in the North Sea so that we can fucking keep an eye on Russia and we'll maybe build you some data farms in Sutherland where the land is pretty inhabitable.

That's what I think would ultimately happen.

Except you'll be paying for the fucking aircraft carrier.

Do you know what I mean?

Like

all that thing as well.

Like we want um increased militarisation and we want to be more ingrained with NATO and all that.

It's all just ways of saying you want to be more ingrained in the British state.

Yeah.

How does Scotland become more involved militarily in fucking Ukraine or or any other fucking military adventure without becoming deeper involved in the British state?

Yeah.

You know, so I don't think the SNP or Swinney, right?

I think not the first fucking care about independence.

I mean, he could give two fucks.

He just wants to be a manager of a certain type of centrist consensus that allows everybody careers and allows you to employ a whole bunch of lobbyists and blah blah blah and just you know grease the wheels of this fucking thing for as long as it can keep going you know keep chucking and there's no really an alternative really I get asked to do some SNP fundraisers and I was just like

nah sorry yeah I had to any

you guys have really lost a plot

I get asked to do some fucking some real

absolute Kate Forbes was just a horror

how I just I really opened my eyes when

she was like angling for like leadership and then every news channel like channel 4 was like get get her on TV.

This is going to be good TV.

Watch this car cash.

Watch this.

And she was like, aha, I will go.

I will go to the studio and I will say what I think about

the homosexuals.

And you're like, fuck you.

Who is that lib Dem guy?

Tim Fanny.

Davy.

Oh, Tim Fanny.

Fuck me.

He'd just be he'd be doing he'd be flipping pancakes and someone would be like, but do you think gay people should be allowed to have sex?

And it would just be a thing.

And be like, No.

Which, to be fair, was decidedly worse than Kate Forbes.

Kate Forbes was was a bit like uh i'm a christian here's my christian values i don't think gay people

i don't i don't recognize and married just the same as a heterosexual and you go well do you know what that's your fucking values that's fine but whatever

but he was literally like there should be no bumming he was jesus didn't he mention this pal

he said jesus

yeah

half the time i'm sure you're not telling me that they were only going for a weeham together You know what I mean?

All the boys.

Jesus can turn them into a woman.

Jesus can give them a fucking fanny.

He can do what he wants.

Turn cum into wine if he wants.

Oh, fuck.

There it is.

To be fair, you've been so well behaved.

You said I can let it go.

I'm trying to temper the cum chat.

Temper the food.

Might be the guy who just went and censored the miracles, man.

He's just like this.

Giving St.

Peter a fanny thing.

It's just come on.

Touching his neck.

Fanny appears in the neck.

Bukaki wine thing.

Come on.

Come on.

Say that he made a blind guy see.

That's obviously a euphemism.

Well, maybe he did.

Jesus.

Fucking came in his eyes.

I don't know why.

Guy came back to life.

I wonder how.

You know.

Anyway, Jesus week.

And

Tim Farron.

Yeah.

Is that his name?

Is he still involved?

Where do these cunts go?

Where does Kate Forbes go once people have laughed at her?

She'll probably go back to a croft and just have quite a lot of children.

Aye, but she's leaving.

She's not standing in the next election in May.

So I think Kate Forbes will be the type who goes back to the island, lives in a croft, has quite a lot of children and goes to the Kirk in the PTA.

Have I mentioned this?

I'm sure I have mentioned this before in the pods, but let's see.

Roll the dice.

Saying it back.

Kate Forbes has got something going on, and the crazy fucking Presbyterianism makes it hotter.

Ah, fuck off.

Come on.

No.

I feel.

You fucking love the madness.

I would change her.

No!

I would.

I will make you lose faith in God.

She's suddenly at the center of a fucking children's story about a fucking magical elf.

A magical bearded man.

She's going to be

Seeing her under the stairs.

The int.

What was he up to?

The int.

The int.

Yeah.

Funks.

Seen a lassie.

I don't know if this is too hot now, but seen a lassie's leg the other day.

And

fuck it.

Was it the first time you've seen one?

She's still attached to it.

But now she's a fucking bag of bones in my rat-infested house.

I've seen a lassie's leg.

Which is attached to the body,

as traditional.

And do you know that way when a lassie is wearing a pair of tights, but you can see the tattoo through the tights?

And it's usually a rose or something.

It's usually a skull, maybe.

Usually the traditional.

I wasn't even looking at a lassie's leg.

I was like, what would I like tattoos?

I took her interest.

I looked and she had an ant tattooed on her shin.

And I was a bit like,

do you know that way sometimes?

I don't know if I'm what

way sometimes

a woman could have an interest in t-shirt and you try and read what's on it, and I realize I'm just looking at her breasts.

I think that's what I should then go away,

you know, it was in the back.

I really should cut this bit out.

What?

What I want you to know is how long does it take you to read the t-shirt?

Sometimes there's a lot of text.

So if it's like Frankie says relax,

I mean, probably some dyslexics have gone down, the sex cases.

Oh Jesus.

All they're trying to do is read the I Love New York.

Next thing you know you're on the register for being a cheb starer.

You know?

A cheb starer.

Wow.

But Kate Forbes at the right moment over an altar on a gravestone she will not

she will not practise her faith where there is an al uh an altar.

It will be fucking wooden

lectern

fire and brimstone looking at you.

I get it.

I get it.

Really?

I don't get it.

I don't get it.

You just think I could fix you.

No.

Or like the bagpus before your time.

We were mended, mended, mended.

Is that what bagpus is about?

Yeah, Bagpus, yeah.

Bagpus had a fucking bunch of wee mice and an old fucking Professor Yaffel owl bookend, right?

Which there's no other bookend for.

Yes.

And as Ed Bunn pointed out one time, he would step away and the books would still stand up, so he was completely fucking useless.

But the wee mice would bring something into the old shitty shop and they would get this thing and they would go, We will fix it, fix it, mend it.

And you know, kids want to try

sexually.

women and a swarm

swarm of female mice please please fucking you can't have that going that smart attitude to women oh no no I'm trying to save your kids

all I'm thinking all I'm saying is I once as a young man saw some graffiti in the student union toilet that said it's always the crazy bitches that have the good good wow and it what union was that sussex

it's not untrue

sure do you know what i mean and women sometimes love a

a s a damaged a fixable guy oh

women women fucking love damaged men they fucking just as well

I've read a lot of tweets from women saying you'll always get the best dick from a guy who

you know doesn't have a bed frame

and you know there's just I'm not gonna say there's mice running about in flies and stuff but you know it's always some guy who's just like a complete shambles shambles and you know you can't have a relationship with them but they're attentive lovers

you only have so many points to put into your different attributes

and speaking from a role-playing game point of view

you've dumped all your points into charisma, obviously.

I think people would disagree with that.

Wisdom.

I'm very wise, I would say.

I have my wisdom checks.

Sorry, Susie.

Too much role-playing chat there.

It's wild.

It's wild, but I.

But women do like to fix men.

People love to fix other people.

You know?

Yeah,

it never really works out.

But that's life.

Just brief digressions on the road to the grave.

Sometimes it works out.

You're in such a fucking happy place.

It's unnerving, I'll be honest.

I think I preferred misery, Frankie.

Well, you know,

I think there's something to be said for getting older and being a bit more sanguine and sanguine?

Sanguine.

As in blood?

No.

What are you fucking talking about?

Sanguine?

Does that not mean blood?

No, it means peace.

I've been misreading a lot.

Jesus.

I thought sanguine meant blood.

It means peaceful.

I think acceptance, as you get older, you accept your own flaws and other people's flaws that bit easier.

I would agree with that.

I would say that the past

three months I have became

I've changed.

I've got a lot of people.

People are going to look back.

Do you remember that point where everyone in Here Comes Guillotine was getting laid?

And it just

lost its

edge.

It's edge.

It's raised on debt.

Three happy people in relationships.

They're just fucking

happy as Larry.

Let's get them back to fucking being miserable or single or both.

No, I do.

I do.

No, I think that's.

I don't know.

Like, see, this is this is going to sound quite morbid.

See, when my dad died, it totally gave me perspective and so much stuff that I've never had before.

And there's stuff that you kind of think about,

and there's stuff that you realize how inherently flawed your parents are, but how inherently flawed you are.

And you just get to a point, I think.

And I think I got to this point.

I've done a lot of thinking about this during the fringe because before the fringe, I didn't really have time to process my dad's death, and I was too busy looking after my mum.

So because I wasn't in Glasgow, I could really think about things.

And I thought, yeah, yeah, they're just fucking people, and we kind of expect them to be these

kind of miracle workers, right?

And they have the answers for everything, and they just don't.

And then, obviously, I've not become a parent, right?

So, this will be different for you, Frankie, because you're now a dad of grown-up people, so you've probably went through this, like when your kids were born, right?

And you don't have kids, and you've not lost the family, I mean,

I'm sure this is the start of my kids' book,

but I do think, like,

it kind of gives you a bit of clarity because suddenly you need to step up, you need to be a bit of a parent, and organize everything.

And then you just go, and then you kind of talk to your parent that's left, and you're chatting away, and you find out stuff, and you're like, they were just fucking flawed.

They were just a flawed human being who I had exceptionally high standards of because society told me that they should be like this, but society told them I should have been like this.

And none of the two of us could fucking meet in the middle because inherently that's not the people that we are.

But it it's really fucking sad that it took my dad to die to recognise that, but it did eventually just go.

And now I would say I've probably got a different relationship with my mum because

it's nice, isn't it?

Yeah.

It's better.

It's better than what it was, but it it is that thing where you think about and you go,

aye, aye, I can see, and then you kind of start to think about their life and how

and what would have shaped them and shaped their lives and shaped their views.

And you go, ah, this all fucking makes perfect sense now.

But

it took a bit, it took 45 years, but we got there in the end.

Here's another thing that gives me perspective:

as a child, my uncle was going to take us into the Mary from Dunlow Festival for a day out in Donegal.

I'm so jealous.

And we lived in a very rural bit, a good seven miles miles from Dunlow.

And my uncle had a Volkswagen beetle, one of the originals, that had a hole rusted in the floor.

It kept breaking down.

And when we were going in, I was thinking, I'm not really thinking about what I'm going to do in town, what sweeties I'm going to get, what pocket knives I'm going to buy, what's going to happen.

My fucking 70s was amazing.

I'm not thinking about that because this car might not get there.

Right?

And that gave me a great sense of peace and acceptance when the car actually did break down.

We've got got in there in the end.

And now I see the future as Dunlow.

And that old Volkswagen is my body.

I'm not necessarily getting it.

So why worry?

Why worry?

Yeah.

That's it.

But your children will have their own Volkswagens.

We're all piloting these mechs.

towards the future, you know.

So maybe I've done low 2047.

Christopher Knight eventually crackled.

Here's the thing: I'm scared

for us to go to Mary Dunlow.

I will not be doing the full fringe next year, by the way.

So, I don't know.

I imagine you will.

Yeah,

but probably,

you know, if we could.

I'm scared to go with you because I feel like you will get there and

you'll get what you're after and then just

die.

Yeah, you'll just tap out.

Yeah,

You'll just tap out.

No, salmons climb the waterfalls and then they fuck at the top.

I don't think they fuck.

They fuck.

They don't fuck.

Salmons fuck.

No.

They lay eggs.

That's their way.

Yeah, but they're not fucking

shagging each other.

I can't believe we're talking about fish.

It should be so easy to catch.

If you're a bear.

Yeah, but if they were just fucking there, you could

put all the time.

But yeah, I think the way fish have sex is

the

we've talked about this before.

They come on eggs.

They come on eggs.

They lay the eggs on the seabed and then the other fish comes and comes on the

eggs and then babies, fish are born.

Shout out to fish.

So what are they doing when they get up there?

They're laying eggs and then spunking on them and then leaving.

Summer laying eggs eggs and some are spunking, I guess.

You know, good life.

For fuck's sake.

That actually, you know,

if Kate Forbes could reproduce like that, she would.

But she not had a kid.

She not had a kid, no.

Not in this form.

Oh, no.

Jesus.

You know, not

a kid.

But not through

fish style.

You don't know.

I don't know getting pulled up on this.

Do you know what I mean?

We get pulled up.

You know, like, this is terrible.

This sexual ravery about a respected politician.

I don't think Kate Forbes is respected.

Not even in her own party.

But you never know, I made funny her one time because she was speaking, uh, she it was after all that kinda uh strabach with her.

She wasn't.

And then she went on a hang and she was speaking in Gaelic, and I was like, People think she's speaking Gaelic, she's actually speaking in tongues.

Yes.

And people were like, How fucking dare you make fun of the beautiful Gaelic?

It's not speaking in tongues, you're making fun of someone's religion and your beautiful language, and you're like, I'm gonna fucking laugh.

Shut the fuck up.

I don't actually think Kate Forbes realized that she would have upset so many people with her comments, right?

Because I fundamentally don't think she's a bad person.

I just think she has got very skewed Christian views.

Sound like you think maybe you could fix her.

I hope they put that bit out.

You just show the absolute glee in your face.

I don't think she's a bad person.

I don't think she's like a Farage going, no, I wouldn't have voted for gay marriage because you know.

Because that's.

You just know he's building up to fucking worse things.

Whereas I think that was her Christian beliefs.

I think she's grew up very shout.

Well, she...

Was her dad not a missionary or something like that?

She meant to some mad

Professor Xavier school for the gifted in the Himalayas, remember?

Aye, aye, aye.

This was on the pod.

This is true.

Her dad was like a missionary or something.

It was like a wee free missionary.

It's likely when Razzal Girl would train somebody.

It's the exact opposite from shelter.

Well, she studied in the Tibetan house.

She was sheltered by the mighty mountains of the Himalayas.

You know that place that Christian Bale is in, is Bruce Wayne.

That's what she was in.

Learning the

art of shadow.

To play, Kate.

Didn't know it.

Wasn't familiar with your game.

She might be here for all we know, man.

Wow, her and Dez.

Shapeshifters.

Maybe Dez is Kate Forbes.

Maybe.

Shapeshifting.

It's so straight.

I just think somebody grows up in one of their cults.

Do you know what I mean?

Christianity.

And

you're in a room with two Catholics.

The world's biggest cult, an absolute uh zombie blood cult.

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