#370: Little Miss 2nd Breakfast w/ Zach Reino

This is a head gum podcast.

The doctor was the mother.

He stood on a block of ice.

And of course the name crying.

First it

Are we ready?

Yeah, I'm ready.

Let's do it.

Do you have an idea to start us?

You seem sharp today.

Interesting.

I've been up since 5 a.m.

All right.

What's up?

And this will be the start.

Hey, everybody.

Welcome to Hey, Riddle Riddle.

That's Adel over there.

We're in the Headgum Studio.

There's JPC over there in the Headgum Studio.

Hey, I'm JPC.

I'm in the Headgum Studio.

Aaron, we're back in LA.

How does it feel?

Do you you remember the first time that we came out to LA to record?

And we had, we, I think we called it Hollywood Nights.

Yes.

Even though we were recording during the day.

It was, yes, and I, it was in the old Head Gum Studios that was like in an industrial park.

It was like in the receiving part of a shipping container.

And I have no idea where that was.

No, I don't know.

Now that I live here, I have no sense of where that could have been.

Well, all that to say, this is kind of like Hollywood Nights because we're recording, I mean,

pretty close to the night.

It's 4 p.m.

In Chicago, it's late evening.

It's 6 p.m.

in Chicago.

Yeah, you're right.

It's 7 p.m.

on the East Coast, so in a way.

And what makes it also kind of feel Hollywood-y?

Well, we have a guest, Dakaritos, here.

Oh, that's wild.

Deals, memos, traffic, limousines, red carpets,

cigars.

Cigars.

Big part of Hollywood culture.

This is like $2,000 pyramid.

The Magic Castle.

What is Hollywood?

I'm the least Hollywood person you could have found, but and yet here I am, and yet I live here.

Wow, so um, welcome to my beautiful city that I own.

Yeah, Zach, on the way here, yeah, what celebrities did you see?

Oh, gosh, I had to, I had to uh peel all four of the hobbits off my car.

You could talk and Elijah Wood.

No, they're just sitting on my car, and I was like, boys, I gotta go record a podcast.

Elijah Wood, uh-huh,

Dominic, Sean Aston, Sean Aston, Sean Aston, Guy from Lost.

It would have been our.

Keontae.

No, that was Uncle Jr.

on Supreme.

Dominic Moynihan.

Dominic Moynihan sounds right.

Dominic Moynihan and

Zach for a million dollars.

What is the final hobbit?

Mary Pippen.

One of those things.

Yeah.

That's going to be

Maryador.

Pippen, right?

I don't know.

Yeah, I don't know.

Whoever's Mr.

Second Breakfast.

He's the one who cares about second breakfast.

That's the name we can't think of.

That sounds like a waiter shaming someone.

Whoa, Mr.

Second Breakfast.

I think you do get a little shame.

I love the fresh toast and the pancakes.

And then you breakfast at a restaurant, leave, and then come back and try to order breakfast again.

I think it's okay for the waiter to say, hey, Mr.

Second Breakfast.

I'd still complain.

I wouldn't complain, of course.

I'd try to my best to get them fired.

I bet there's a tone at which it wouldn't feel so adversarial.

I don't know.

Try to do it.

Try to do it in a way that's.

Well, wait, am I still calling you Mr.

Second Breakfast?

Yeah.

Because that feels like an added layer layer of complication, but I will try.

All right, here we go.

Ready?

You come in.

I'm walking back in after just eating at your restaurant.

Here I come.

Table for one.

Oh, hey.

Mr.

Second Breakfast.

Yay.

Okay.

It felt a little bad.

It's weird.

It felt like 1%.

It felt weird to say.

I will also say that like sort of...

aggressively misgendering someone even within the context of a joke

is like a weird energy to come out with Because it's not like you're calling like someone made a pit bull joke and you're like, it's Mr.

World.

Why?

Mr.

Second Breakfast is not a thing.

I will say, though, as a shitty her, it feels less aggressive than you calling me Mrs.

Second Breakfast.

Yeah, there's a there's that would be aging you.

Mrs.

Second Breakfast is my mother.

Thank you.

Calling someone Ms.

Second Breakfast also maybe is even a little worse, too, because you're like...

You don't think I'm married?

Yeah, obviously someone who doesn't have their life together enough enough to get married would never be coming here for two breakfasts.

And if you want to be like, and like the patronizing, what were those like those books?

Sorry, I have to connect these thoughts.

There's like Lil Miss

Sunshine.

Oh, the Little Circular.

Yes, the Circular Guys.

Yeah.

Anyway, calling someone Little Miss Second Breakfast is also bad.

It's patronizing.

There's a bunch of circular guys.

I feel like, did each one represent a letter or a color or something?

There's like Mr.

Angry and Miss Half.

You saw that.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

I've really come around to Lil Miss second.

Lil' Miss second breakfast.

If someone calls me that, I will.

Abigail, Abigail, both.

We were just in Portland, and Gemma and I went to a very nice brunch place.

And there was a moment where the waiter was like slightly overly familiar or like made a joke where it was something like, he, to me, goes, have you ever worked in the service industry?

And I go, no.

And he goes, it shows, honey.

And then like walked away.

And I was laughing.

And I was like, I feel like some people may not.

What happened?

What was the precursor to this?

I told Gemma

because

we were ready to order and her menu was open.

And I was like,

you should close your menu.

And she goes, why?

And I go, oh, well, I thought it was like universally known.

If you're ready to order, you close your menu.

And she goes, that's not a thing.

And I go, I thought it was a thing.

And then he came by and I go, can I ask you something?

And he goes, he said, try me.

Is what he said.

I go, can I ask you something?

He goes, try me.

Okay, I immediately, now knowing the context, I love this guy.

And I go, is it a thing to close the menu if you're ready to order?

And he goes, I'd assume so.

And then Gemma made a few good points.

And he goes, oh yeah i could see that angle too and i go oh okay and he goes have you worked in the service industry and i go no and he goes it shows honey and walked away

i loved it the truth of this world is that people contain multitudes there's many ways to have menus both open and closed there is a there is a place here there's a there's a fun tiki bar called broken compass that i love deeply but there's one of one of the um employees who i also love deeply hasn't this isn't the the waiter i see most but the the energy that he comes in with is like he's barely at work and he's allowed to do whatever the fuck he wants.

That's awesome.

He'll like sit down next to you and be like, what the fuck are we doing today, dude?

And I'm like, I would like to think that it's just because I give off an air of like, you need, you need to do nothing but be yourself.

I require nothing from you.

Your energy is Sutton Foster.

Anything goes.

I am Sutton Foster in the quadruple threat.

What's the fourth one?

Acting,

dancing, singing.

Baking.

Baking.

Improvising.

Zach and I were talking right before you guys got in here.

The last time we saw each other is a very funny context.

We were on a hill.

Yeah, would you like to guess?

Yeah, would you like to guess?

On a hill.

Nailed it.

Nailed it.

But give it more context.

What were we doing?

Oh, Jonah Hill.

We were on Jonah Hill.

We were in a threesome with Jonah Hill.

Was it some sort of like 4K or something?

Like some sort of marathon?

No, that would be a normal thing.

That would be a normal thing.

It's weird.

It's more niche than that.

It's not surprising.

I don't know your brand as well.

It's not out of my brand.

I don't think it's out of my brand.

Were you land sledding?

No, but that I have.

I haven't done that since I was a child.

Metal detecting.

You were both on Wintry Hill.

You were both on a hill.

Were you going to the hill for a private cry?

I don't know Zach's brand as well, but I know your brand is as good.

I know.

I was like, that might be more my brand.

Okay, okay.

I'm trying to pinpoint the brand.

You had a Peter Gabriel Encore.

It's nerdier than any of these things.

Oh, okay.

So this must be that you guys were playing some sort of like LARP or like a shit.

Okay.

We were LARPing, and it was...

I think you may have told me this at one point.

Yes.

Yeah.

And that's why it sparked me.

Was that your first time?

That was my first time.

In 2024, I was eat prey loving, so I was saying yes to everything.

Eat prey LARPing.

I was eat prey LARPing.

And

I went to a LARPing event, and that would have been October.

Sounds about right.

And

you wouldn't believe it.

The weekend I decided to go, it gets attacked by vampires.

Were you two, did you two like meet on a hill and Aaron's like, Zach?

And Zach's like, Aaron?

And then he stabbed.

Like, was it a, were you adversarial?

Just like that?

Just like that?

Well, it was so fun because I, we saw each other and then we were in character for the first like 10 minutes of talking to each other.

And running into someone in a context in which you do not expect them.

Yeah.

In that particular context, it's a little bit of like, it does make you sort of restart your brain.

Because I'm like, like, that's Aaron.

What

is that Aaron?

Like, because it would be weird if that was Aaron.

And then finally, we started talking, and then you have to put your hand on your head if you want to talk like a real as yourself at a character until you're like close with buds and then you just do it all the time.

And then you went, it's good to see you.

It's good to see you.

If you're so, I assume you both were not vampires.

Correct.

If you

was actually for a minute, oh, because you have, you have to, um, because of your complexion.

Hey,

She loves you.

I'm very pale.

But for

the way that it runs is that you do like four hours of volunteering of playing characters.

Being like the NPCs.

Like being the NPC for the rest of the player.

If you are battling the vampires and you put your hand on your head to talk to someone, is it like off limits?

Like the vampires can't touch you?

Or are you still fair game?

I think if you do that, it is with the understanding that like you need to stop for some reason and like safety and stuff always takes precedence over.

And then also, when you're walking to the bathroom, if you put something on the top of your head, when you're like, I'm not playing right now, you guys.

Yeah, you like people get weird about it, but if you don't, like, if at any moment you're like, I actually would like to opt out of being killed by vampires, that's fine.

I would love to see school.

No one's keeping school, you know, at the end of the day.

People get killed at the bathroom all the time.

Not in the bathroom, but on the way to the bathroom, yeah.

Sucks.

Because people are like out there trying to kill people until like 2 a.m.

That's when they stop sending out like NPCs.

And the first night that I went, I was like, oh, this is my first time.

I'm going to pick like a priestess character.

And I got there.

And then I had to ask knights to like walk me down certain dark streets.

And I was like, I love that I'm cosplaying too scared to walk down the street as a woman.

What a fantastical escape.

I do want to see a scene.

Yeah, bro.

We're going to see a scene before we do any riddles.

Zach and Aaron, you two are exes.

You haven't seen each other in several years, and you're both LARPing at an event and you run into each other.

Ahoy, who goes there?

But tis.

Oh, um,

tis

tis I,

Sir James,

uh, have not seen you in a while,

stranger.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Are you?

Hi, sorry.

No, can we.

I just can we alas, the bridge is not to go up this hour.

Oh, surely it shall, surely it shall be raised soon, for...

Methinks that it won't be raised for the rest of the week.

Well, tis

a merry time for boats, and so there must be much traffic upon the river at this time, and so it would make sense if the bridge...

Can we just talk for a second?

Oh, I think the bridge wants to stay up.

Sort of like some people wanted to stay at a bachelor party weekend a little longer so they could flirt with people.

Maybe it wasn't about flirting.

Maybe some knights had not seen their sworn brethren in many a moon and were concerned about them and needed to spend some extra time making sure that they had not been

bedazzled by magics and

if only I hadn't received hey girl pigeons from several ladies in waiting to sort of describe the sort of horrors that perhaps you were seeing with your brethren.

Well, I.

Well, there was much drink, much drink and merrymaking.

Fucked up, okay?

It doesn't even matter.

It doesn't even matter.

You said I could keep LARPing.

I said you could have the house if I could keep LARPing.

I thought you've moved out of state.

I didn't know you were coming back just for the LARP.

Of course, I'm coming back.

Okay, no, I'll leave.

I'll go.

You don't have to go.

You don't have to go.

You should stay.

Okay.

Are we

Tis my first lop.

Can we attack them if they're crying?

That feels like a level beyond.

I got them in my crosshairs, but it does seem too sad.

It seems very sad.

Hey, hey, Yon Bandits.

I'm having a moment here.

Oh, uh.

Are Yon Bandits single?

Because I am.

Yar.

Yar.

Okay.

This is news to me.

I guess we're just having fun then.

See.

Mr.

I don't want to put a label on Mr.

Second Boyfriend.

Mr.

Second Boyfriend.

But we were on a hill and it was very cold in the desert in the middle of the night and I was dressed like a vampire orphan.

And it was just really nice.

And you were the second person ever that I told about my current boyfriend.

We were so sorry.

Yes.

Was the first person him?

Yeah.

No, he found out like third or fourth.

Zorb found out like way after everybody.

You were so excited about it.

I'm so glad it worked out.

Yeah, it worked out that's awesome uh zach i'm assuming that you do those things more regularly when i can yeah i've been doing that one for like three years okay cool it happens like eight times a year i've been busy lately so i haven't

If I can go like two or three times a year, it would be cool.

Do you, when you do that, do you run into people who know you, not from the LARPs, but from the things that you do?

We're talking off-book.

We're talking dropout.

I mean, like, unsurprisingly, there is some sort of like venture overlap with those crowds.

This is like every time we go to the Ren Fair we always run into people who are like I love the show.

It's exactly the

right

if you came to LARP you would be clocked.

But people are people are like very respectful and they're mostly I think they're unlike the Renaissance fair there's a rule of people like trying to keep up immersion.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

People don't just come up and talk to people they don't know generally without a reason.

Don't break the KFA.

But people are people are nice about it.

My favorite part of the whole weekend was your character that you play as a bard.

Unsurprising.

Unsurprising.

I go to escape into a fantasy world to play a fantasy version of basically myself.

And you were at a party and

like an in-world party, and you got paid to play, and you were singing songs about people who are waiting in line for cake.

You were too, weren't you?

You and Sean were singing along.

Yeah, I was singing along with you, but I was mostly crying, laughing.

That was incredible.

It was just like a rolling laugh for 90 minutes.

In-world money.

In-world Coin.

I do feel like anytime I go to like a Disney Park or Universal or anything like that, they'll have newer things that I haven't seen where it's like someone is like Donkey from Shrek and they're like roasting people or there's like a Transformer guy who like there's clearly someone not in the suit but with a mic somewhere that can see everything.

Yes.

Someone is Optimus Prime from a window.

Yes.

Wave.

I do think of like you and Jess of like how good you would be if there's a musical element of like singing songs about people passing by or like just even just general improv I think would be a killer job.

But I don't know if you're if that's appealing to you.

I think at this point, no, but I definitely like apply.

Like, I went to school at UC Irvine, which is Anaheim.

Lots of people work at Disneyland, and I applied for multiple of those jobs.

There was no like musical improv job, yeah, yeah, yeah, but like, yeah, turtle from uh Nemo.

There's one Crush, Crush, Turtle Talk with Crush, yes, it's yes, would have loved to have done Turtle Talk.

We have a listener that that's his job.

Whoa,

whoa, um,

but so fuck you guy, you got it.

Zach Winner.

No.

You're better.

I'm sure you're better at the voice than I am.

That weekend when we were LARPing, I was like, God, this vampire thing has been so stressful.

I'm going to go to the Bard competition and sit and listen to music.

And I was like, this is so nice to just sit in the sun and listen to music.

And then a vampire came and started killing people.

And I was like, can we not know peace?

The worst.

That is my biggest beef with the game is that a lot of people go there to do the combat and a lot of people go there to vibe.

And those two worlds are often odd.

Yeah.

I was so there for the vibing, like making soup late at night.

Late night soup.

Thumbs up, thumbs down.

Would you again?

I think I would definitely do it again.

Do you make soup?

Yeah, I was just like heating up soup late at night while people talked about like politics of the game.

Do you think that's part of the activities, or you just make you just microwave soup?

No, well, you don't microwave, you're outside.

Oh, people have like in-character like cooking setups.

Oh,

so I'm like, because

I liked the part at night where I could put candles in front of

the door to protect from vampires and be like, come in, come in.

And then like make people soup.

I liked the come in, come in part of the game.

No joke, people are selling like cups of cup of noodles, though.

That's fair.

Because you're out in the woods, but also like, how are you going to have to eat?

How are you going to operate your noodle store in the middle of the desert?

As an introvert, I did have to keep taking like 15-minute disassociative breaks in my tent, just like.

Oh my God.

In my adult life, nothing has stressed me out more than the first time I went there.

I like nearly had like a panic attack.

That's so wild.

Yeah, Aaron, you describing the vampire part of it being very stressful as like, that sounds like the whole thing.

That's not really like a vacation at all.

Well, I wanted to start with some riddles for kids as a fun little warm-up.

Maybe I can get some of these out of you.

Just to get it, because this is our first Los Angeles recording.

I feel the cobwebs on my brain in sort of a major way.

Have we said anything on this episode yet that a kid can't listen to?

Yeah, I swore about the

cheeky bar man because he swears.

Oh, that's freaking sweet.

But you can beat that, and then it's fine for kids.

Yeah, can we get, can you just say some words like balloons or something that we can put in there later?

Yeah, balloon!

Whale!

Tiger!

All right, Casey, what do you crunch?

Well, those are the answers to the first four riddles.

So we're just burning through them.

Hey, boys, so what the tiger?

We doing.

I did promise

we met a couple, or I met a couple this weekend at the Portland show, and I think they have two sons named Oliver and Liam.

One of them always lies.

And one of them always lies.

And one of them always lies.

One of us always pisses the best.

And they are obsessed with our kid-friendly episodes.

And I swore that I would do another one.

So this might be an accidental one.

Yeah.

Unless we want to get real freaky.

I see where it goes.

Yeah.

I feel like I could go either way.

But I could also.

Thank you for your honesty.

I want to like jerk off my captain crutch until I'm tiger or whatever.

And it's fine.

Not this one.

Not this one, kid.

i twirl and i spin i zip through the air catch me mid-flight if you dare plastic bag and this is american beauty plastic bag west battle are those not this time are they the little like um seed things that fall from trees that little helicopter

lion guys whirlybirds whirlybirds i used to call them helicopters growing up were they yeah because they they spin kind of like a helicopter blade fan blades fan blades propellers

and they spin what did you guys call you know like if you lift up a rock and there's like a little gray bug that bugs.

Pillbug?

Or roly-poly.

Roly-poly.

Yeah.

Is it a roly-poly?

It's not a roly-poly.

Also, I think this one is a little annoying because catch me if you dare.

Makes it seem like it's scary.

It's not scary at all.

It's a leaf then.

I would say it's actually something that's meant to be caught.

Ooh.

Ooh, is it a daddy long legs?

They're meant to be caught.

Are you catching those mid-air?

Catch me, daddy.

Mid-air.

I don't know.

Ooh, are spiders ever like on the wind?

Aaron, can I

all the spiders?

On YouTube, look up in Australia, I think once a year, there's just waves and waves of spiders in the air.

No.

It's unbelievable.

No, thank you.

Spiders are on the wind because they do like try to run their little

spider lines down from trees and stuff.

Yeah, belay.

Belay spiders.

They have their little clamps and little bits.

Webs.

You're thinking of webs.

They were little webs, yeah.

I couldn't remember if it was called webs.

Webs is a thing.

Webs is a thing.

Erin, can you read it?

I twirl and I spin and I zip through the air.

Oh, is this like a trapeze artist?

No, catch me mid-flight if you dare.

Is this a flying bug of some sort?

A drone?

No, it's not alive.

And it's not alive.

I think this is designed to be thrown in American football.

No, but that's a frisbee?

A frisbee.

I'd like to see a scene.

Zach and JPC, you are college kids trying to start an ultimate Frisbee League at your college, but you're the only two that showed up.

Okay.

This, this,

um,

I'm not gonna lie, Brian, this sucks.

Yeah.

This makes me feel like I am not surrounded by my peers.

You postered like the whole quad, though, right?

Flyd like nuts.

And all of my tabs were gone.

Yeah.

Funk.

You don't think, You don't think someone ripped...

Someone's ripping tabs to keep us- to keep us small, to keep us down.

What?

This is a liberal arts college.

I was just like, how do they not want to throw disc?

How do they not

want to catch saucer?

Bro, maybe our verbiage was too intense on the poster.

When we were like, get

fucking catch it

if you dare.

Catch the deathblade.

Fight gravity.

I think we maybe it was catch the death blade in big bold typeface.

Yeah.

Maybe that was our mistake.

And the fact that we sort of replaced the image with a spinning saw because metal.

Did we ever say frisbee at all?

Hey, guys,

just checking to see when you're going to be done with this area of the quad.

The a cappella group wants to rehearse here in a couple hours, and we just don't.

We don't want to get in your way or anything.

You want to be here in a couple of hours?

Well, we just don't want to be here while you're throwing saws.

Oh, okay.

Okay,

okay.

No, no, we're.

I don't want to fight.

I'm sorry.

No, no, no, no, no.

Our shirts.

Catch the death blade with us.

Our shirts aren't off to fight.

Our shirts are off to sweat.

You couldn't have your shirt on.

I'm sorry.

I'm gonna go.

Wait, hold on, hold on, hold on.

Have you ever wanted to take your life in your hands?

No, thank you.

In a team sport, you have the jumper's quads.

It's insane for you to be on the ground like you are.

I don't want to be on the throwing saws team.

Look, we maybe overhyped what it is that we do.

My bro and I

throw blade.

You know what I mean?

You know what I mean?

You hear me?

We throw blade.

We catch death.

We ride life.

We ride life.

That's a way better way to put it.

We ride life.

Oh, or is this like a thing where you guys meet and like smoke?

marijuana.

We have pop, yeah, we have pop.

We do smoke pop, but it's not related to the activities.

Oh, wow.

The quads filling up.

The The quads fill it up.

I got a lot of people.

How many people are in your acapella group?

12?

I have to teach an arrangement of Mr.

Jones today, so I better get going.

Counting Crow's Mr.

Jones?

Can I talk to my friend for a second?

Hey,

hear me out.

What if you think you have a theme joining me?

Okay, sorry.

Never mind.

Oh, no, this is about, I mean, maybe, but this is about

what if we join the acapella group and then

turn.

They're at the beautiful women.

They're at the beautiful women.

This is everybody two hours early for this acace.

Early?

I thought the four of us were going to launch into the

stare at the beautiful women.

Do I know another part of that song that's not Mr.

Denzebe and Stare at the beginning of the day?

Dude, Bonan and Van E.

Is that the same song?

Bonanna's in it.

No.

No, that's a different song.

Or what?

Or what?

It's burning for you.

What am I thinking of?

And I thought this was the.

What's the beginning of Mr.

Jones?

I'm in the New Amsterdam.

Oh, Mr.

Jones strikes up a conversation.

Is she looking at you?

No, no, no.

She's looking at me.

You know, there's rumors that that song was about his Captain Crutch.

Hmm.

You were just trying to say that word.

I didn't want to say penis because of the kids.

The kids are long.

The kids are dead.

Fast asleep.

All right.

I tickle the sky, I cackle and glow.

Best when it's dark and spirits are low.

Sky witch.

That's a sky witch.

Spirit is a Skywitch.

Is this a lightning bug?

Firefly?

No, that's a great guess.

Fireworks.

Fireworks.

Yes.

Actually, the answer is Sky Witch.

I'd like to see a scene.

Do you have a few?

Plastic bubbling in the wind is really making a comeback.

Yeah.

Addle and Zach, you are a couple, and there are fireworks that Adel has organized that are going off at a really bad moment.

So, this is.

I just don't know if I want kids.

Huh.

I just, okay.

Yeah.

Just a conversation I have.

And

I feel like I need to make that just because, like, you know,

I'm getting older.

So I feel like we need to.

I just want to have this conversation with you

and make sure that we're on the same page.

Fucking talking batteries.

Dead shit.

How do I come back?

Okay.

Yeah.

No.

I thought we agreed when we got.

Oh, shit.

Look away.

Over here.

Over here.

Over here.

Look over here.

Brad, Brad, look over here.

Brad, look over here.

You didn't see those, right?

Did I not see the giant firework in the shape of a big frog?

Yeah, a frog.

Yes.

A frog.

Wait, is there a flash mob here?

No.

This is a bunch of Best Buy employees who happen to be

wearing adult diapers.

Wait a minute.

Was that frog a baby?

It was an ultrasound.

Well, green is a weird color to choose.

They didn't have white?

I went to 10 fireworks stores.

They didn't have tan.

Name three of them.

Blow-em-ups.

Yep.

Fire pyres.

Yep.

And

Dr.

Fancy Fireworks.

We get to Dr.

Fancy Fireworks.

Look, buddy.

It's not like I can open up the firework and change the frog to a baby.

It is a frog.

Can I say the monocle and top hat are incongruous with your voice?

I guess you can if you want to be the rudest fucking guy in the place today, but

listen, I just I want to celebrate the fact that

you explained it in the email.

Wow, what do I, what do I have that'sque?

That could read baby.

What about like

are you familiar with the tree, the weeping willow?

Yes.

Fantastic fine.

Yeah.

What about like a firework version of that?

I don't think crying is the right.

Crying for joy would be nice, but we'd be willing to be a little bit more.

Oh, stork?

Do you have a stork?

Do we have a synonymous?

Or even a pickle, which pickle goes to stork goes to baby.

I would have a stork if my freaking dad would let us experiment with the fireworks.

But he's old school and he won't let us make new designs.

I just don't want what happened to my fingers to happen to your fingers, Rick.

Okay.

You can't control my life.

I can try.

Rick.

Until you're 18 and you have my name, I will control your life.

I'm going to be a firework artist.

I want better for you.

I lost nine fingers to the work.

And I'll lose ten, because I care more.

There aren't ten fingers.

What?

What?

Oh, no.

I lost all my fingers.

I've been miscounting.

I'm going to look at lasers.

I'm just going to look at them.

No, they're running us out of business.

Welcome to Dr.

Laser Sky Laser Emporium.

What can we do for you today?

I'm looking for...

I don't know if you do like skywriting or if it's only on a surface.

I don't do letters.

You have to talk to my detestable son, Rick, for that.

Rick Lasers?

Yes, he's over there.

How dare you?

Not today, Rick.

Not until I see it to business to you.

Will you be writing words with my sky lasers?

See.

Sitting on your sky witch.

You're going to make a baby in the sky.

Aaron, I think Rick Lasers has legs.

As

a new life for me.

If you're looking for your second act,

I'm a second breakfast Rick Lazers.

I go up and down and spin all around.

My lights and music create a joyful sound.

Oh, it's a carousel.

There's too many spinning things.

I'm sorry, this is all spinning riddles.

Kids know about spinning.

Kids do know about spinning.

Kids love fucking spinning.

It's crazy.

I want to see a scene.

Yeah.

Can I do that?

Yeah,

100%.

We're in a children's ballet class with all three of you.

Great.

Pot up away, pot up away.

Pot up away.

I'm better now.

I'm okay.

I'm okay now.

Pot up away.

Dusty?

Yeah.

I spun too much.

It's alright.

Sorry, I had like three breakfasts because it's my dad's weekend and I spun too much.

Do you want to talk about it?

Um, no, they just cover it up with sawdust in a minute, so it's I'm okay, I'm okay.

Oh, my thing with my dad, yeah, yeah, I don't know.

He's just, I think he only knows how to make breakfast.

I mean, we're we all sort of get it, and this is Miss Carol's ballet school for children of divorce,

so like we're all in the same boat here.

I don't know, my parents got divorced just so I could get in.

Yeah, they were really happy.

That's how much they love me.

It's so competitive.

The other ballet school in town is so expensive, So expensive.

It has discount prices here because divorced people have, you know, a lot on their plate.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And Miss Carol was a child of divorce.

And she said

to pay it forward, of course.

That's why the classes are so affordable.

So we're here to talk.

Well,

Jeffrey doesn't really understand it because his parents were in love and then got a divorce for no reason.

And then you have to prove it to Miss Carol that you really divorce, right?

Yeah, but I'm real confused because every day my dad leaves the house and goes, bye forever.

Like, I love you.

I'll be at my place.

But then I go to school and I see him creep back in.

Sometimes I hear him upstairs.

Don't let Miss Carol see that.

I'm going to kill you.

You get kicked out of the corner.

I'm going to tell Miss Carol.

Don't.

Remember when Jeff's dad showed up and he was with that, like, woman who was 20 years younger than him and he was kind of like crying the whole time?

Like, he didn't want to be doing it?

No, yeah.

That was so sad.

That's so sad that your dad is

a philanderer.

I guess not, because he's divorced.

All right, children, approach the bar.

Miss Carol, Miss Carol.

Today, we will be, as you say, a very good pot-up.

We will be doing Ronde Jean.

Miss Carol.

Yes.

I know you made us promise when beginning of the term that we would tell you if anyone's parents fell back in love.

Yes, specifically with the partner with which they were first married.

Of course, of course.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Ron de Jean, Ron de Jean, Ron de Jeanne, Ron de Jean.

Ow, ow, ow!

Those are roundhouse kicks, not round dejauns.

Round dejaun needs to be closer to the ground.

Yes, ma'am.

Yes, ma'am.

Never mind.

No, we have to.

We have to.

Oh, sorry.

Did you throw up?

I'll go get the sawdust.

I'll be right back.

Oh, thank God.

What the frick are you doing?

What were you doing?

You roundhouse kicks in my stomach.

You can't be in this class if you have parents that are still in love.

It makes fools out of kids like me who have to eat three breakfasts every other weekend because our dads can't admit that they don't know how to make anything else.

You're telling me three breakfasts and you're still 57 pounds?

I don't believe it.

Is that

big for my age?

Is that small?

I don't know.

I think you're keeping that toy.

Okay.

She's coming back.

Oh, no.

Miss Carol, Miss Carol.

Sawdust?

Yes.

Sorry, you were singing?

It's my favorite part of the job.

I got it.

I got it kind of everywhere.

Sawdust?

I wasn't allowed to join the choir run by the, by the, there was only one choir in my town, and it was for children with happily married parents.

Oh, it said that?

Yes, it was called the Choir of Children with Happily Married Parents.

Oh, and then you spent 12 years at the Starlight Diner in New York City?

That's right.

Singing.

You read my bio.

Sawduff's memoise.

And you know what?

We're going to just go on a quick break.

I was going to do a couple more riddles for kids, but I think these are too easy.

I'm going to hit you with the hard stuff post break.

Aaron, to be fair, I think Zach solved all of them.

No, you don't care, so I was right behind you, though.

And we'll be right back.

This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace.

Oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh, did you get it?

Did you get it on camera?

No, sorry, I wasn't recording.

No, No, me neither.

Guys, come on.

I feel like, and this is not an indictment of you, but I feel like I keep doing the same skateboard trick.

I keep hitting myself in the junk, going down this rail the exact same way every time.

And I feel like you guys are just fumbling with the camera, and I'm beginning to think it's on purpose.

Adela and Aaron, make eye contact.

Wink, wink, wink.

No.

Well, of course, we did build a beautiful website on Squarespace.

Yeah, we're using Squarespace.

For all your goofs and slips and gags.

It's the all-in-one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online.

Whether you're just starting out or scaling your business or hitting yourself hard in the junk with a rail, Squarespace gives you everything you need to claim your domain, showcase your offerings with a professional website, grow your brand, and get paid all in one place.

And I need to pay to offset the cost of the terrible damage I'm doing to my body.

Yes, and Squarespace makes it easy to showcase your expertise and engage clients with video content on your website.

Like of you doing this awesome trick that you're going to have to do a few thousand more times upload and organize your videos create stunning video libraries and even monetize your content by adding a paywall perfect for online courses exclusive tutorials and premium workshops and videos of JPC falling gracefully but all the videos so far are like you guys in like your face it's like reaction shots because you have the camera turned the wrong way

well that's because we've been using squarespace's analytics jpc i'm not going to pronounce that word how you pronounce it analytics because we're making smarter business decisions with Squarespace's intuitive, built-in analytics tools.

We can review website traffic, we've learned a lot of people love when we make fun of you, learn where to focus our engagement, which is like kids laughing at us laughing at you, and track revenue from bookings, invoices, or product sales.

You know what?

I don't care.

I'm going to post whatever videos that you guys make.

I think the content is going to stand on its own.

I think I'm going to be successful.

And if you want to be successful, just head to squarespace.com slash Riddle for a free trial.

And when you're ready to launch, use offer code Riddle to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

JPC, why don't you do a flip-oll-y over that

bookcase?

Okay, I'll try it one more time.

Take hundreds.

Yeah.

Oh, it doesn't hurt anymore.

Uh-oh.

It doesn't hurt anymore.

Oh, boy.

Oh, I like it less.

Jealous much.

New coat, new shirt, new pants.

Adel, you didn't get those from the Emperor, did you?

No, I think that guy was actually not wearing any clothes.

Oh.

I knew it.

And everyone says he was.

And I knew he wasn't.

I felt like I knew he wasn't.

Interesting.

Not my experience with the Emperor.

His clothes are awesome.

Adel, your clothes look fantastic.

They look like very expensive.

That must have costed you an arm and a leg.

No, actually, we don't pay with limbs.

We pay with money.

But this was actually very cheap in terms of money.

This is from Quince, my good lady.

I love Quince.

Quince has the kind of fall staples you'll wear non-stop.

Like super soft, 100% Mongolian cashmere sweaters.

Touch, please, touch.

Starting at just $60.

That's bonkers.

$60?

Yeah, $60.

Their denim is durable and fits right, and their real leather jackets bring the clean, classic edge without the elevated price tag.

I have sheets from Quince.

I got a skirt from Quince.

I love Quince.

On the walk over here, wearing Quince, a bunch of photographers were like, who is that guy?

That's clearly like someone's little brother, like Nathan, Nathan Levi's cousin or something.

Taller, younger brother.

And what makes Quince different?

Well, they partner directly with Ethical Factories and skip the middlemen.

So you get top-tier fabrics and craftsmanship at half the price of similar brands.

And middlemen are flipping out about it.

I saw a middleman on the phone in a parking lot tearing the hair out of his head.

He was so mad at Quince.

Is he okay?

No, he looks really distressed.

Personally, I love my lightweight hoodie.

I think it's like perfect for the cooler weather.

It's like, it's kind of the in-between hoodie that you can get between like, you know, a fall jacket and, you know, your summer clothes.

It's, it's awesome.

It's like a must-have staple of my wardrobe.

And I got my eye on some boots at Quince for the fall.

Just a tall boot.

I haven't had one of those like riding boots in a minute, and I'm excited.

I might get them in black or maybe like a chocolate color.

Come back to me.

Come back to me.

Sounds good, friends.

Puts on sunglasses.

So keep it classic and cool this fall with long-lasting staples from Quince.

Go to quince.com slash riddle for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns.

That's q-u-i-n-ce-e.com/slash riddle.

Free shipping and 365-day returns.

Quince.com/slash riddle.

Adult, I have got Erin on a joke website.

I'm about to sell her chocolate boots.

I think she's going to walk around.

Yum, yum, yum, yum.

I will stay and watch this.

Mom, yum, yum.

Eats them like Cookie Monster.

this show is sponsored by better help

guys i need to find a better solution than what i've been using i've been going up to this character that's sitting at a booth that it's like free advice for five cents

she's being like really mean to me and then i tried to like kick a football and she moved it and went are you are you joking that's so embarrassing and i feel like that's not good therapy moving forward i need to find a better solution

aaron you can't be doing that you got to do what i do you have to whisper your secrets into a rock and throw the rock into the ocean.

Huh.

Or do what I do, which is use BetterHelp, which I think is probably the best option.

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

Don't talk to a rock or talk to somebody at a five-suit booth from what sounds like a comic.

Talk to an online therapist at BetterHelp.

Yeah, Aaron, BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform, having served over 5 million people globally.

It's convenient as well.

You can join a session with a therapist at the click of a button, helping you fit therapy into your busy life, I assume plus switch therapists at any time and better help's quality therapists work according to a strict code of conduct and are fully licensed in the U.S.

They're not going to move a football on you Aaron.

Aaron, they won't move the football or they won't throw the rock back.

In fact, they've been told specifically not to throw any rocks.

Hmm.

BetterHelp does the initial matching work for you so you can focus on your therapy goals.

A short questionnaire helps identify your needs and preferences.

In their 10 plus years of experience, an industry-leading match fulfillment rate means they typically get it right the first time.

And if you aren't happy with your match, you can switch to a different therapist anytime to your tailored needs whenever, whenever.

And as the largest online therapy provider in the world, BetterHelp can provide access to mental health professionals with a diverse variety of expertise.

Find the one with BetterHelp.

Our listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com/slash riddle.

That's betterhelp, h-e-l-p.com/slash riddle.

Hey, Adel, can I tell you a secret?

Yeah.

It's me.

I'm in the booth.

I'm in the booth.

Nice one.

Well, I'm going to go back to the booth and try the football one more time.

I'm going to let her have it this time.

I'm going to let her have it.

Hey, Adel.

Hey, Aaron.

Can I tell you something that I'm kind of like ashamed of?

Yeah, of course.

Always.

When I was a kid, all of my two brothers, all of our birthdays are within a month, and it's all around Christmas time.

So we used to just get like Christmas birthday gifts, and sometimes we would just get like combo gifts together.

And I would always tell my brothers that we could pool all of our money together and just get one big Lego.

And then I would insist on doing the Lego and putting it together myself.

How do you put together one big Lego?

Oh, I guess it's more like an expensive Lego kit, not one big Lego block.

I mean, you didn't really understand finances.

You didn't have anything like acorns early when you were growing up.

So how are you supposed to know?

Hee, hee, hee.

Hey, kids, it's me.

birthday santa

birthday santa that's right you're real yes and i want to tell you about acorns early which is something jbc it sounds like you and your brothers wish you had yeah we could have used yeah absolutely acorns early is the smart debit card and money app that grows kids money skills as they grow up Oh, so cool.

You can start with In-App Chores Tracker and teach your kids the value of a dollar.

Then let your kids set their own savings goals and start building healthy money habits early.

Kids can spend what they've earned with their very own customizable debit card, giving them that extra sense of independence.

Plus, with Acorn Early's early spending limit and real-time spend notifications, parents always stay in control.

And I mean, I would have loved having this growing up.

I would know way more about money than I do right now.

Right, right.

I mean, but I'm like a newer thing.

Like, I'm for kids who have birthdays around Christmas.

But all kids, kids.

But anyway, piggy banks are cute and great for loose change, squarters, etc.

But these days, there's so much more that kids need to know about money.

Acorns Early makes it easy to teach kids lifelong money skills that they can actually use in the real world.

And I love the Acorns Early app.

I've played around in here.

My kids are a little too young to start right now because they're kind of like a little toddler.

But I'm so excited for them to be able to use features like this because I think like being able to track all of these things when you are young and have money literacy at a young age is so, so, so important to being a

person that exists in the world nowadays.

Well, I'm a person that exists in the world.

Who said I wasn't?

Yeah, no.

Anyway, if you're ready to teach your kids the smart way to earn, save, and spend, get your first month on us when you head to acornsearly.com/slash hey riddle or download the Acorns Early app.

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Acorns Early Card is issued by Community Federal Savings Bank, member FDIC, pursuant to license by MasterCard International.

Free trial to new subscribers on the subscription fee starting from $5 per month, unless canceled terms apply at acorns.com/slash early terms.

Hee hee hee

oh, Santa needs to lay down.

I mean, I mean, birthday Santa needs to lay down.

Love whatever your thing is, man.

Don't stress.

Hello, everybody.

Welcome back from our break.

Uh, how's everyone feeling?

Rested, recouped, ready, for sure.

Really good.

Ravioli.

Ravioli.

Three R's, four R's.

Rest, Recoup.

Really good.

Ravioli.

Really good in Ravioli.

Did you see that movie?

Ravioli?

Triple R, quadruple R.

Oh, R-R-R.

I did see R-R-R, yes.

And I forgot that the third R was for Ravioli.

That's right.

I've sat through RRR.

I'm saying sat through like a second.

Actually,

it's not.

But it is a long movie.

It's a long time.

It's like three and a half hours.

And I've watched that movie more than I have most movies and i've that's crazy with how long it is i feel like how many times have you seen it i think i've seen it maybe five times

that's a lot of times i think that's more than i've seen any movie yeah you're not like a re-watch a movie comfort movie not movies no tv shows yeah yes oh then what what is it that you do re-watch what's the thing that you do watch re-watch okay a ton okay nobody'll fall asleep right yeah but only because it makes me scared and i need to the world is going so well that I need to remember that one of that.

You're scared because so many British actors aren't doing Russian accents.

That's right.

That's right.

That makes sense.

I don't really rewatch things either, but five times for RRR is really something.

That's why was that you showing people that?

It was showing people, and then I've gone to like a couple, or I went to one screening of it.

That was fun.

That'd be fun to see on the big screen.

Yeah.

I don't know.

I don't know why I.

There are two movies that I've seen four times in theaters.

Can I guess?

Please.

Conair.

Oh, no.

And Stardust.

Stardust is my most movie in theater.

Albert Conner and Ricky are banned together at last.

Conair came out like the year that I was born, so that'd be crazy.

That'd be like my dad took me to see Conair when I was a little baby.

Four times.

No, I saw Moana in theaters four times.

Whoa.

Because I was so taken by it.

I loved Moana the first time I saw it.

You and your kid have that in common?

Yeah, I'm proud to pass it on.

It's deep in my genes.

And then Edge of Tomorrow I saw in theaters four times.

Well, that's a good movie.

Perfect.

Yeah.

Edge of Tomorrow, I saw so many times in theaters because I saw it like the weekend it came out.

And then I kept being like talking to people about it.

And they're like, I have no idea what this is.

And I'm like, well, then let's go see it right now.

I'll just pull you into a theater and we watch it.

I have no idea what this is.

We won't call it Live, Die, Repeat.

It's already my title and make it make sense for everyone.

The last time I saw a movie multiple times in theaters was Dungeons and Dragons, and I went back the next day.

Yeah, it was fun.

So good.

It was so good.

Okay.

These are from Jordan, who's been listening for a while and is one of our patrons, which is, I think, pretty cool.

But that's not the way to get your shit featured on the show.

Just so you know, it's happening to Jordan.

It's not going to happen to you.

You can't say from the outside.

I have no stake in this.

It is pretty cool.

And Jordan has sent us four riddles.

Thank you, Jordan.

I'm not a low rank, not fully the truth.

You purchased my crowns at a colorful booth.

Dentist.

Burger King.

Bird?

No, I was saying bird king.

I was saying crowns.

This is also, this one is,

I think this is funny because this is the hardest of the riddles on here.

And it's

basically, there's like two answers that sound the same that are spelled different.

Oh.

Crayola store.

It's a homonym trick.

I'm not a low rank.

Not fully the truth.

You purchased my crowns at a colorful booth.

Hmm.

And

how's crowns spelled?

C-R-O-W-N-S?

Yes.

Whoa, like a genius.

Did I just spell crowns right the first one?

Pretty intuitive word.

Can we do a freaking little chance?

Yeah.

Rank makes me think that there's some sort of like military thing in the private private captain general.

Colonel.

Colonel.

Colonel.

And then Colonel, Colonel.

Colonel and Colonel.

I want to see a seat.

Can I see a seed real quick?

Yeah.

Adel, I want to see a scene where you are a

the like a four-star general, like the highest rank that you can be in general, and uh you're in charge of uh promoting um people uh to the various ranks, so we're gonna be presenting you with um people that need to promote be promoted, and you're gonna tell us what rank they're being promoted to.

Sure,

uh, so this first binder, of course, uh, general, is just um some exemplary um PFCs.

Um, oh PFCs

pretty fucking cool

if you say so, general.

Yes.

You did say PFCs, right?

Private first.

In general, we're saying this apropos of nothing.

It is required to be sober when these decisions are made.

I'm not sure if you're not drunk.

You're not drunk.

I'm not drunk.

You are.

PF Shangs, PF, PFCs.

PF Shanghai.

PF Shangs.

I'm not sure if it was made clear that this is an official meeting as well.

So

I'm assuming there was some sort of accident with your uniform or.

Yeah, you got caught.

In the rain.

I didn't piss my pants.

What are we doing?

I received a memo that said it was Casual Friday, and I was surprised at first because we generally don't have that.

Generally, you're a general now.

What's your rank?

What's your rank, officer?

Oh, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm just, I'm just a sergeant.

You're a general now.

What?

Whoa.

That's a crazy lead.

What do we have for corporals?

What's your rank?

Corporal.

And that's lower than me, right?

Uh,

double it.

A double it.

Sweatshirt that says Las Vegas in jeweled letters.

And you smell like...

Smell like you had a few Bloody Marys.

Mm-hmm.

And what's your name?

I don't want to say.

What's your name and rank?

She's a captain.

Captain what?

Captain Second Breakfast.

Captain Second Breakfast.

Well, now you are Major Second Breakfast.

What?

So.

Guess that.

Hey, and guys, four stars, please.

Did you like what I did?

Four stars, please.

Oh, that's not how it.

Oh, yeah, there's no sort of system of reviewing.

Well, how come I was was a 3.7-star general the other day?

What happened?

Oh, I don't.

You may be looking at your Uber and.

I think you might be looking at your Uber.

Sir, also, we were not planning on changing our rank at all.

No, yeah, we were more presenting you with exemplary field accommodations that could be elevated to the people here in the binder.

I'm sorry to pipe up.

Am I your boss now?

Yes, I think so.

I guess technically, he probably is not going to remember doing this.

I don't know.

That makes me feel wildly uncomfortable.

You're a general, you're now a major, and I'm a double corporal, which I don't think is that.

I wish I could have gotten something like that.

It doesn't that equal something

again.

I don't think so.

I am your private dancer.

I've never heard this already.

You can't be in here.

You can't pee in here.

You just cannot pee in here.

I can't pee in my own pants.

You're telling me I can't pee

in my...

I bought these pants.

Well, actually, these are...

Those are my pants.

Yeah, those are your pants.

You have to borrow my pants.

I gave him that pants.

He said it's Casual Friday, but I I have no pants.

You shouldn't pee in borrowed pants.

That's crazy.

There's no pee in corporal.

Let's focus up.

Look through the binder.

Let us know.

It's a cross stitch my mom had in her cabin.

And it is.

Let's look through this binder.

A pee in borrowed pants saves thine.

Okay, I know how to do this.

I have somewhere to be.

Let's say everyone whose last name starts with A,

Captain.

Everyone whose last name starts with B, major.

Everyone whose last name starts with A.

Sorry, what if you have a hyphenated last name?

Ooh.

Um.

Because my last name is Abbott Bongington.

And also.

Which isn't funny, sir.

Which is again, sir.

I don't know why you're not.

Which I can't stress how unfunny Abbott Bongington is

of the Rhode Island Abbott Bongingtons?

No.

Oh.

Connecticut.

But I am a general now.

So

I don't know if you're a field emotion.

Am I a major?

Am I

a general?

And what?

You said you had somewhere you had to be?

Yeah.

Well, I have to.

Oh, yeah.

you asked me to call you a Ruber.

A Ruber.

You said Uber can't take him anymore.

I asked you an app called Ruber, which is Rude Uber where you're allowed to be rude to the driver.

It's like Ed DeBevix in a car.

But shouldn't it be the driver

too?

Well, no.

He can't be an Uber anymore because he was too rude to the Uber driver, so he has to use Ruber.

Are we sure that that's how Ruber works?

It feels like the person gets-sorry, my Ruber's here.

Okay, hey, where are you going?

Where is this asshole?

Where is this son of a bitch?

I told you so.

I just drove onto a military compound.

Oh, honestly, I think Ruber has legs.

Like,

if you had a car service that was like...

We need to clarify it because now I'm confused.

Who's rude in the Ruber?

I think it should work both ways.

I think it should be rubber.

Everyone, it's Dick's Last Resort for Cars.

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Okay.

I said Ed DeBevix, and then I realized that was probably a regional reference.

Do you have Ed DeBevix in California?

De Bevix?

Ed Bevicks.

Ed de Bevicks.

It's the Midwest.

It's a Midwest thing.

Is it only in Chicago?

I thought it was.

It might just be only in Chicago.

I had never heard of it until I moved to Chicago.

Is it Blenders in the Grass, the smoothie?

No.

But I don't know what it is.

It's the same as Dick's Last Resort.

But I think it was there first, right?

I don't fucking know.

I always, I guess, just growing up in the Midwest, Ed de Bevicks was my touch point.

I think an Uber where you can, like, you're encouraged to start fights, I think, would be, would be a success.

Interesting.

Now, start fights, I think, maybe a kingdom.

Verbal place.

Verbal place.

Even fun.

fireworks.

I have a new hot take after my time in the Pacific Northwest this past weekend.

I think doing, sorry, is there like a hot is this a segment?

Oh, yeah.

No, but it will be now.

And we're going to use that sound from now on forever.

The sentiment after that was fire.

If you could put in fire.

I thought it was like a hot toque.

Like it felt like a...

That's a different segment.

I thought it was a...

But can we use the same sound?

Yeah, I thought it was it was a hawk too i thought it was like a hawk but if you do that you have it has to do just you saying toque over

now we have you saying it so you can't use that you can't use that

my hot take is that if

you are going to be a man that is my uber driver and you want to talk at me i should get a discount on my ride

because a lot and i totally understand that that is like some older men who have retired that is the way they want to socialize is to drive people around and for them to talk at you.

Sorry, I'm not false.

It doesn't happen.

That's that, that's

no.

It's not okay.

And I just, it is, it also is so crazy how they do not want to have a conversation.

They want an audience to it.

They will literally interrupt me mid-response.

And I go, I don't, I think I should get $10 off of this.

I'm not saying it should be free.

What are they on a podcast with you?

That's a cell phone?

No, I'll interrupt me mid-response.

I just didn't want to interrupt to say that, Joe.

I I want to let you finish with just a second.

That would have been too bad.

Do you remember when

Lyft first came around as an alternative to Uber?

The whole thing was that in Lyft, you could ride up front with them and

kind of hang out.

Yes, the branding was like, it's a friend that takes you places.

We like to fist bump all of our rides.

It's our thing.

The pink mustaches on their cars, and you sat up front and you like to talk to people.

Do you remember this?

Not really.

This is like the early days of it.

And I remember the first time I ever got into a Lyft, it was in Chicago.

And I was, I was sitting up front, but it was also because it was like three people.

And so they took the back seat, and I got in the front.

And the people in the back were having a conversation with themselves.

And the driver and I were having a conversation, which I didn't necessarily want to have, but it was like Lyfts thing.

So I was like, that's fine to have.

And then we drove through a Jewish neighborhood in Chicago.

And the driver said something anti-Semitic to me in a way that was like, look at these people.

And I was like,

wait,

I thought you were my new friend.

I was driving me out.

I thought I didn't think he was my new friend, but I was like, do I look like the kind of person that you could just be kind of like casually anti-Semitic with?

That's a hateful face?

That's a real roll of the dyke.

That is wild.

It was very strange.

And I remember getting out of the car and it was not my lift.

I hadn't called it.

And one of my friends was, I was like, hey, hold on your rig.

Hold on your rig.

We have to have a quick conversation before we rate that drive.

That is wild.

Some people had different experiences in there.

Also, I'm not talking about the delightful, organic conversations you can strike up with their Uber drivers.

I'm talking about specifically older men who want to talk at me for the entire ride when I have headphones in, and I'm clearly doing something.

Their families have stopped talking to them, and now that's your problem.

And that's on me.

Yeah.

Aaron, do you recall or want to say what the person talked to you about?

This happened to me three times in the past.

No, different.

Well, wait, well, look who we have again.

Thank you.

It was second breakfast.

Where did we leave off?

Ah, my ulcer.

It's like, it especially especially happens with like older men, but I'd say men of any age, like want to explain something to a woman.

So they want to be like, you're not from here.

Let me tell you like about the significance of this place.

They want to explain something to me.

Yeah, they want to be

their tour guides now.

Yes.

And I just, I just think it should be a little cheaper.

Don't some of them have an option to check for silent ride?

Yeah, I think that's where Uber.

I'm from the Midwest.

I cannot imagine checking an option for like, it's like being pretty rude to someone where I'm like, I just don't want to like, I don't want what you're describing of them talking to me, but I also don't want to be like, hey, man, to me, you are just my A to B servant.

Like, that's what you are.

And I don't want to hear from you.

Devil's advocate, though, because where I come from,

if my job was to drive people around all day, I don't want it to necessarily have to be my job.

To make small talk with the

stranger in the back.

So like, to me, it's freeing for everyone.

It's like, don't worry.

I'm going to give you money and you're going to drive places.

And that's really all you signed up to do.

Yeah.

Anything more than that is sort of like, I guess we are entering into a business relationship.

Yeah.

But also like if I, someone has their headphones, like sometimes I will be working in an Uber.

Like I'll be doing a task that requires my attention.

Yeah.

And then for them to like, and your headphones are on, I just feel like that level of interruption is.

It's invasive.

So invasive.

I would like to see a scene in, I think maybe this marries

this idea with an earlier idea.

Zach, I would like you to work at Disney World.

You're going to be the Jungle Cruise guide.

Yes.

And Aaron and JPC, you are two people who happen to be on the Jungle Cruise ride.

But Zach, you kind of keep veering off the typical puns and

script and going into maybe some personal details.

Great.

Hey, everybody.

Welcome aboard the Jungle Cruise.

Scoot on Down, Scoot on Down.

Make a new friend.

Sit next to

the person.

Yes, all the way in.

Here we go.

We're going to go off.

I'm Josh.

Wave goodbye to those people on Room Hump Stack.

You're never going to see them again.

Yeah.

Just like Kylie.

That's Kylie.

I'm gonna see her again because we went on one date and it went real well.

So we're gonna pick that, pick up back up with Kylie, and we'll try to keep that heat going.

Here we are.

She's never

gonna be a little bit more.

She's covering her head so we can live.

Sorry, what's up?

Oh, I'm sorry.

No,

great.

Woo!

We're ready.

I've never been on the ride before.

Oh, no?

First time?

Very exciting.

Well, here what we have for you is the African elephant.

Look at him.

Big, tusk, big, and strong.

African elephants can go up to 400 pounds and Kylie's dad works at Motorola and has a very cool hookup for all kinds of phones that you might want and that's great for me.

In general, I'm getting a lot of blank stares from the back of the boat right now.

Can you not hear me?

Do I need to turn this off?

No, we can hear you.

We can hear you, but the elephant passed by like it's...

It passed by so fast and we didn't really hear much about the elephant.

Okay, we'll go back.

We'll go back to the elephant.

Oh, hello,

and here we have the...

oh what the oh oh oh oh let's let's play date oh no oh no

oh no kylie said if i got one more vote crash he was gonna take me out

oh oh hey hey you know what you guys went on one date and then she told you if you got in one more vote crash you wouldn't go on a second date with you on a first date ultimatum

Which is the first date is the hardest and it can't ever be harder than that.

Wait, Kylie, what?

Kylie's your boss here?

Yeah.

Oh, you guys shouldn't have gone out on a date at all, right?

She said the first date is the hardest, and they shouldn't be harder than that.

That's what Kylie said.

I didn't say that.

Hey, and she said, I can't keep crashing.

Quote, these boats are on rails.

It should be very difficult to crash them.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

I think she's sort of

messing with you, dude.

I think you deserve better than this.

I know her dad works at Motorola.

She's got all the coolest phones.

Lots of people work for phone companies, though.

I'm sure you can find someone who's got a dad who works for a phone company.

Do you have a dad who works for a phone company?

I actually.

Does anyone in this boat have a dad who works for a phone company?

Oh, you do?

Yeah, Verizon.

Wow.

Do you have a dad who works for a phone company?

TNT.

Oh.

Are you two together?

We're not.

We just, yeah, this is Annie.

I just met everybody.

I thought you told us to make our friends.

Although, I'd love to buy you dinner sometime if that's something that you're.

Wait, no, do me.

I would love to organically see someone ask someone out in the wild.

They'd be like, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

What about me?

No, do me, do me.

Can I, could I go?

I'm often.

I'm often.

Immature voice.

Wait, no, do me.

It's also, though, like, that's the very real, there's that voice is in my soul at all times.

Yeah.

When someone is getting something I want or doing something that are like, wait, no, I mean, me, though, t-shirt cannon over here.

I have a question for you guys.

You were told that you had to believably go on the jungle cruise right now at Disneyland and give a tour.

And everyone on the tour had to believe that you worked there and had for several years.

And if you don't get it, you die.

That feels like the apex of Disney jobs in terms of like the puns are so it's boom, boom, boom, boom, boom with puns and like the.

But do you think that you do you trust yourself enough?

I don't think I can.

You get $10 billion if you do it.

Wait, wait, wait.

And you get killed if you fail.

What's the you just have to make people believe that you actually work there?

That you actually work at the jungle cruise ride.

And so it's, you, you have to, like, you would have to make up puns puns in real time and make it seem like you've done it a thousand times before do we think

can people test out material can you go off script at disney or is it like with the non-improv jobs or can or are you like strictly tied to that's probably pretty scripted but i don't know that would be my guess as well but it does feel like people are certainly doing a certain level of making it their own yeah yeah i think that they have like 25 options for each joke you think you could do it yeah but i would go way off like you would be like that employee was having fun but he was not doing what he was supposed to do.

Yeah,

but I do think I do think I could believably be like this person works here, but I don't think I could believably be like, this is the jungle cruise.

I could trick a bunch of people who have never been on the jungle cruise before.

I could not trick a single person who has been on it like five times and knows what to expect.

Because

I can't fuck with someone like someone's expectations of I know what the way the ride usually goes and I can.

But I could convinceibly or conceivably convince a bunch of like first timers that I was a person who knew what I was doing.

Aaron, same question, but you're the head in the crystal ball in the haunted mansion.

I'm fucking that up immediately.

I'm getting a horrible cough.

Really?

I feel like that's a hole in one for you.

Oh, no, absolutely.

I feel like all that woman does is like, oh, five of spades and two of hunts.

Same question.

I'm a very ghostly Victorian ghost.

Like, I look like a haunted painting.

And so you, like, visually, if all I had to do was float, 100%.

Same question, but you're the wax Johnny Depp with the Pirates of Caribbean boat ride.

I'm being caught immediately.

That's the easiest one so far.

All you have to do is watch the rum go.

Same question, but you're the lightning bug in Tiana's bayou.

I'm dead.

I think I die.

Ultimately, don't make me light my butt.

That's what he says.

I think I ultimately die, but I think I have a really great time.

I don't think I squander.

I don't think it's, I don't think I spend the last moments of my life like cowering in fear and failure.

I think I go out on top.

I think I'm

both arms out as the crossbow like gets me instant or mass or whatever they need to kill you at Disney.

The lightning bug is the same voice as Winnie the Pooh.

Oh, yeah, Jim Cummings.

Isn't that crazy?

He does like 40 voices.

That guy works.

He did Darkwing Duck.

Darkwing Duck and like all the voices.

Do you think he lives in the hills and has like a huge mansion with like a golden gate?

I think he's a Warren Buffett type where it's like he has a ranch house.

He drives like a 92 Turcell.

I bet he has crippling gambling.

Oh, bother.

2 million on red.

Oh, bother.

And they're like, you're drunk again.

Just, yeah.

Crippling substance ideas.

Four fingers of whiskey for Winnie the Pooh.

Small smacker.

Excuse me, ma'am.

Would you like to be fingered in my car?

Jesus Christ.

That was a fun in-unison.

Oh, the whole episode was supposed to be for kids.

Would you like to be

back in my car and back to my fire truck?

Next time I have a party, I'm playing that game.

That's a good one.

I don't give $50 to people who can, I'll play the YouTube video on mute of the Jungle Cruise.

I'll tell you what my brain immediately did, and I don't know why it's so hung up on this, but like you get to the zebras and you're like, zebras, people don't know if it's a black horse with white stripes or a white horse with black stripes, and all I can say is that's not a horse.

See, i but like i don't know like are we gonna i would believe that okay aaron did you know that disney plus just released like 40 hours of footage of different rides disney rides did they really so it's like pov of you going through rides uh i haven't watched it yet but presumably pretty well shot probably to combat this massive YouTube presence of that exact same thing.

They're like, hold on, why not me?

They know what you're talking about.

I've never also been, what is it called the Jungle Cruise?

Where is it?

Is it Animal Kingdom?

No, it's in the...

Adventureland.

Yeah.

It's in

Disney, Magic Kingdom in Florida, and then Disneyland side.

Interesting.

Disneyland.

I've never been on the ride either, so I have no idea what is in the ride, which makes me more confident that I could do it.

Because if I had been on it once, I would be like, well, I don't know any of these things, but.

What do you mean?

I'm going to die at the end of this.

Oh, I see it.

I don't know what I don't know.

Also, I think, but a lot of them are jokes where you're like seeing monkeys.

Oh, I see it coming.

And then you can be like,

oh, those monkeys are crazy.

You see hippos, and it's like, oh, the hippos are very dangerous, but don't worry.

You're only in danger if they start wiggling their ears.

Then all the animatronics wiggle their ears.

Okay, that's fun.

And you're like, oh, sorry.

Okay.

Does anyone have any small white marbles on them?

Because you will get hit by a hippo.

See that?

Where's that different IP, though?

Oh, yeah.

They're going to be like, that guy fucking used

hell high P.

I'm going to quickly get through the rest of these

Jordan riddles and

so will I.

I'm going to burn through these.

I like to suck blood and bury my head.

Acting up when I'm stressed, don't want me in your bed.

Oh,

vampire blowjob.

Give me a bed tick.

I've traveled through time, always follow a line, suspending the cars in the air.

Info flows up and down, and in and out of the town.

And for phones, I come in a pair.

Ooh, speakers, um, come a pair

for phones.

I come in a pair.

Is it walkie-talkies?

This is, I would say.

Camera?

No.

Always follow a line suspending the cars in the air.

Sorry, what was the first line?

Always follow a line suspending the cars in the air.

It's like suspending the cars in the air.

That's the most helpful line, I think.

Oh, it's like a.

It's like the rope on a ski lift or one of those.

What do you call it?

If you're like in.

I think it's called ski lift, right?

No, no but if you're if it's on like the street or if it's like not on a ski lift like those oh like the wire

wires yeah what are those called though i do not know uh because they're specifically cables yes

okay i'm done on a court where i go up and down when i'm done on a dog i end up on the ground

when i'm done on a dog i end up on the ground

of your catchphrase all right let's this is a one for kids okay

um

Basketball.

Like downward dogs.

Tennis ball.

Tennis ball.

Basketball is helpful.

I'm done on a court where I go up and down.

I'm done on a court where I go up and down.

When I'm done on a dog, I end up on the ground.

The second half is weird, and I don't necessarily understand it.

It's like a command to a dog.

Oh,

sit, stay.

Dribble.

Dribble?

It's dribble.

Oh, when a dog is dribbling.

Dribble the drool.

Okay, yeah.

Okay, I get that.

I get that.

Amazing.

Thank you.

I don't think of that as dribbling.

I'd like to see a scene.

I think if dribbling is only a dribble.

We can do a quick scene.

But thank you, Jordan, for those riddles.

Thank you.

Thank you, Jordan.

I'd like to see a scene.

Aaron, you are a dog owner/slash coach.

Right.

Zach, you are

a hairbud type.

Got him.

And you're trying to teach this dog to play tennis.

Okay.

And it's, and it's

before this moment, this is a normal dog.

Great.

All right.

Since my son quit tennis this morning,

you're up.

I hope you like.

Since my son quit tennis this morning.

Yeah.

You are up.

And now you are my son, and he is my dog.

And that's how that's going to be.

If you're going to notice that.

I'm going to be Stephanie Graff and thanks for having me.

Of course.

Thank you so much.

I would love if we can get this dog to be Wimbledon.

Good.

Oh, I thought I was

going to play against the dog.

Yes.

Oh, okay.

And then the dog is gonna go to school with me?

Remember.

And then the dog's gonna grow up, and I'm gonna pay for the dog to go to college, and I'm gonna help the dog follow its dream.

Wait, wait, hold on.

What do you mean?

So I'm gonna, like, die when I'm, like, 15?

I guess so.

I'm 16.

I'm gonna take you to the vet.

What?

They're not gonna do that.

Yes, they will.

Oh, sorry.

My son doesn't want me talking to my dog anymore.

Okay.

Oh, yeah, I get it.

I get what you're doing.

I was never going to beat Steffi Graff.

Not with that attitude.

Oh, God.

Steffi Graff whimpered me in the eye with a tennis ball.

You don't let her do that, mom?

Yes, of course.

And this dog can say Wimbledon.

Rimbled him.

And what can you do?

That dog said Rimbledon at best.

And I got stabbed in the back, I think.

What?

Rimbledon?

See?

Didn't somebody just run on the steps?

Didn't stab Steffi Graff?

I don't know.

Is that a real thing that happened?

That's a good one.

I hope not.

And if it did, I'm sorry that happened to you, Steffi Graff.

No one deserves to be stabbed.

No.

No.

Especially in the back.

Especially during your job.

Anyways.

You want to stab me?

Stab me in the front like a man because I just fucked up the jungle cruise.

That's how I want to go out.

Zach, anything to plug or promote?

What does this come out?

Great question.

That's a great question, Zach, and we're going to figure this thing out together.

Ooh, let me buy time.

Yeah.

Here is a crocodile.

Rimbledon.

I'm sorry, do we have an airbud on the boat?

Rimbledon?

Wimbledon?

Rimbledon is going to be the name of the next animal I own.

Offbook the Improvised Musical is going on tour to many cities around

our beautiful country again.

And you can get on our Instagram offbook pod, and there's a link to all those shows there.

Also, speaking of things that just came out on Disney Plus, I'm a voice on a show called Stugo that dropped its entirety on Disney Plus today.

So that's

out now.

It's competing with ride footage, apparently.

S-T-U-Geo.

Sure, for student government.

It's

very funny, and I'm very happy to be a part of it.

That's very cool.

I will say, if you have not seen Offbook Live, it is maybe the most...

I'd say that and Himper by Shakespeare are the two most impressive live improv experiences you can ever kind of have.

That's very, very kind.

Absorb.

We are a live show that was a podcast for a while.

And

it's nice to be doing live shows.

Your mock trial show that was on YouTube for a while was like my comfort watch during the pandemic.

Oh, thank you so much.

Those songs are often stuck in my head.

Wait, how do we watch it?

What's this?

Oh, it's so good.

Yeah, we did an episode at Curious Comedy in Portland that they filmed, and it's just on YouTube.

So good.

I would have plugged our mock trial movie that we're making right now, but that Kickstarter has ended by the time this comes out.

So just watch our movie when it comes out.

Just watch the movie, people, when it comes out.

It's called Mock Trial.

I don't know if it's out.

Maybe it's out already.

Probably not.

That'd be amazing that you don't know about it now if it's out already.

But hey, cool.

This is the past.

You did say at the beginning that you're the least Hollywood person, so it'd be understandable that you don't know about release schedules and stuff.

God, Joe, show up.

You want to do the work.

Go up into the mountains with Winnie the Pooh.

If you want to hear us do the work, you can listen to Gum Shoes and Dragons.

I think we have two episodes out right now.

Maybe episode two came out already.

And if not, keep listening to episode one.

Yeah.

And then heyrtoriddle.com/slash live if you want to come see us this fall.

And Adam, anything to add?

Go into YouTube and type in Jim Cummings and see how many voices.

Be amazed.

Be amazing.

Be amazed.

He truly does all the voices.

Incredible.

Well, Jupiter.

Thanks, everybody.

Bye, Zach.

Bye.

Quit here.

Starring Aaron Keenan

and John Patrick Cohen.

Casey Tony did the editing.

And Marty Pierre did in the music.

Logo created by Emily Cardamis and Emily DeMorris.

Hey there, Cakes and K-Cups.

If you like that, you are going to love this week's Patreon.

We have Ray Kashanker back on the podcast to do Ray Keikas, Cakes, Rakes, and K-Cups.

You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com/slash Hayriddle Riddle by joining the Clue Crew for $5 a month or start your seven-day free trial or the Review Crew for $8 a month.

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That was a Head Gum podcast.