Patreon Preview #353: Deck the Hallmark

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Well, I wanted to do something to celebrate Christmas specifically because

I'm such a fan of Hallmark and the movies they make. And they've made a lot of Christmas movies.

Starting in the year 2000, all the way up until today they have been cranking out they do crank them cranking they've been cranking out Christmas movies at a pace um never before seen I want to say yeah so they were gonna cramp us those out they really cramp us those out so what I want to do is almost like a

almost like a public access situation I have a list of some of the best named Christmas Hallmark movies

from 2000 to 2025.

I'm going to read a couple of them off to you. You're going to choose which one you want to see a scene from, and then we are going to see a scene probably that happened in that movie.

You can have that scene be up top in the movie, halfway through the movie, maybe the climactic

denouement, whatever you want to do.

We could see a scene from anywhere in that movie. Does that make sense? Keep in mind that every one of those Hallmark productions is all non-union.
They're all scabs.

So this is the only ethical way to consume the Hallmark content is to listen to us do improv scenes about the movies. And

we'll do this type of episode enough times to where you could cobble together 90 minutes of

each title, I think. Yeah.
Do they not cobble together 90 minutes, right? A Hallmark movie.

They're lucky. Oh, they be cobbling.
They cobble, cobble, cobble. That is all they're doing is cobbling in a warehouse somewhere in Canada.

Is Hallmark Canadian? No, they just film a lot there, don't they? You have to shoot in Canada, I think, to get around the union rules or whatever. I think of

unions can't survive below a certain temperature. And so

if you shoot in Canada in the winter, the union virus is killed immediately.

We'll call this whole production Deck the Hallmark. Yay.
Because I think that, thank you. I think that's very.

Why? Is that a pun? In line with some of the titles, some of the titles we have here. Because some are puns.
Deck the Hallmark. Aaron, is that a pun? It's no Christmas song.

La la la la la la la la la. Deck the Hallmark.

You're a dummy. Falla la la la la la la.

You are stupid. You are terrible.

We're not supposed to know Christmas music this episode. We're supposed to think it's Halloween music.
Oh, uh, oh, oh, um,

you're fucking rapping in the lab. Yeah, I was going to say.

They did the haul. They decked the halls last night.

They decked the halls.

Who was. It's only been five minutes, Aaron.
You forgot the bit.

I think I'm done with callbacks from now on.

I think they're too much for my little brain. I did my time with callbacks.
I did my time with thinking.

I was on the side of every improv show for years being like, won't, woman, woman, woman, woman, remembering everyone's names, everyone's

again? That sounds probably like the crispiest you said.

Happy house.

And I think I'm done. I think I'm done.
Aaron, done with callbacks. Are you offer only?

Yes.

Okay.

Please don't offer me any roles. I don't want to be in stuff.
And she'll audition once. She'll do a self-tape, but she'll do no callbacks.
An audition, but not a callback.

I say you get what you get, but you don't get upset. That's what I say.

Let's see. I'm checking my list here.
Okay. Can't be right.
Let me check it again. Okay.
You're both on the naughty list. So that makes sense for me.

Maybe let's just have who's been more egregiously naughty. Gotta be me.

Yeah, JPC, let's have you go first. Are you ready? Pervert stuff, though.
Huh?

JPC, here. You don't shame me for getting on the naughty list the only way I know how.

We're both on there.

Yeah, but mine's because I'm a bad person and I'm like,

yours is pervert stuff.

JPC, here are your options for actual Hallmark Christmas movie titles that we will see a scene from. Love it.

Your options are

Operation Christmas,

The Christmas Cure,

And Finding Father Christmas.

Cure is spelled C-U-R-E-R.

C-U-R-E-R.

How is it spelled? What is Curer? Oh, sorry, the Christmas Cure.

C-U-R-E. Oh, it's just Cure.
Okay, that actually makes way more sense because the Christmas Curer is a horror. It's like rural juror level of like that.

It's funny, I'm always thinking about it this time of year, but I'm not as young as I once was.

But I care a lot about maintaining my physical and mental wellness, which means cornbread hemps CBD gummies are a huge piece of my wellness plan.

It's so funny, I have no idea why it gets to be this time of year, and I'm thinking about how I'm not as young as I once was. Oh, same girl saying, but also, JPC, your birthday's in December.

Okay, that makes sense. Well, JPC,

someone left something under the tree

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Okay, you guys might be onto something with this cornbread CBD gummy. John Travolta? John Travolta.
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A number of years I've been on Earth. Years are also nothing but physical manifestations of time passing.

Hmm.

I feel okay. I feel okay.

Aaron Adle, can I share a real life story brought to you by the fine folks at Quince?

I don't allow it.

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My wife is dressed. My child is dressed.

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And I say, Well, I thought, I thought I was going to wear this. And she said, No, you go upstairs and change it.
You change it to something nice. And I went upstairs and I went into my closet.

And what did I find but my Quince long sleeve Henley? And I said, This actually looks pretty nice.

And I think that if I wear this downstairs, my wife will shake her head yes and say, That's something we could leave the house in. And guess what?

It happened.

Ooh, but I'm sure that was like so expensive. That sounds pretty luxe.
No, Aaron. It was affordable.
It was downright affordable. Because Quince makes the essentials every guy needs.

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What were you wearing when you came down the stairs? Full turkey costume. Knew it.

So it's Operation Christmas, which I think has to be out because I feel like there's got to be like some sort of military industrial complex,

you know, angle on that one. Or surgery.

Yep, that's right. The f

it could be surgery. the the the last one you said was finding father christmas yep operation christmas the christmas cure

finding father christmas i gotta go finding father christmas all right

the man

we are hunting has a bushy white beard

a red hat and red suit with white trim and shiny black buttons. I know what you're thinking.
Wouldn't he have shaved? Wouldn't he have changed his suit?

he cannot he will not he must not he must be caught this man killed his wife

and when we find him i don't care wait i'm sorry hold on i'm sorry i was anticipating another question you have a question i got question

uh

When we find him and we shoot him, are we trying to use him for meat or can we just sort of shoot wherever? Haha, big laugh. Big laugh from all the U.S.
Marshals.

When we find him, this is in the

hunting.

He's wearing full hunting gear. He's not in the military at all.
Oh, I guess I did need context. The U.S.
Marshals.

No, the U.S. Marshals, since we are here in the North Pole, the U.S.
Marshals have contracted some local hunters to help us find this creature. Now, I will say,

legend has it that this is an immortal being. So do not worry about killing him when you shoot him.
You can only wing this creature.

He cannot die until the United States government says that he can die. Oh wow, it's like a Wolverine situation.

Who said that? Who said that? Me, me, sir. This is not a weapon X from Canada Wolverine situation.
Wolverine was made in a lab by William Stryker, a bad man.

This creature has existed across the millennia and was invented by the whims of German children's dreams.

Sir, with all respect, it sounds like Santa has a healing factor which would be in line with Weapon X's M.O. We have to assume he has some sort of metallic coating to his bones.

I'm sorry if I misinformed y'all. Santa cannot die, but he also cannot heal.
Any wound that Santa suffers, he will live with until it can be healed by the natural means of time that all of us possess.

Oh, so we just cut him up into little pieces.

Hold on now. We actually have to find the guy first, okay? And might I remind you, he killed his wife.
That's why we're all hunting him. Anyone have any questions about that?

Another polar bear dragged off an agent. I don't care.
Wait. I'm sorry.

Whoa, that was kind of a. I would have thought it'd be a different scream, I guess.
It seems

like sensual woe.

I know it gets lonely up here for you, men up here in the South Pole or the North Pole or wherever it is. We are done, got me.
That was the hunter. That was the hunter from before.

I feel like they got an agreement. Pulling out a bottle of wine.

Hunter slipping off his wedding ring as he's

waiting for us to go. Are we at any risk of Santa sort of manipulating us, using details about our life to make it so we don't kill him?

Reminding us that we'll be on the naughty list, letting us know he sees us when he's sleeping and he knows when we're awake. Absolutely.

All of you men were chosen from a specific purpose because none of y'all are redeemable. All of you are naughty to your core.

And Santa will not be able to manipulate you because you have nothing, no one, and nothing to come home to.

Sir, I have checked every dog house, every dog house, every dog house, and wink wink, every dog house.

Oh, okay, and you still can't find my cell phone?

Yeah, I I know I put it somewhere. Thank you for interrupting the meeting for that, but just keep looking, I guess.

Sir, um, if you hurt our feelings and we all need to sort of take a break, could we take five?

What's your name? What's your name? Jeffrey. Your name's Jeffrey? Yeah.
Jeffrey? You just made my naughty list.

Sir, sorry, sir. Oh, sorry's not gonna cut it, Jeffrey.
You're gonna be on reindeer duty. Now, I know that Santa famously can survive in any conditions, but like any living creature, he needs warmth.

So my guess is that he's cutting these motherfuckers open like Tom Toms and hiding inside of them.

Oh, polar bear's got Jeffrey. Oh no.

What a live. I mean,

what is it with this polar bear?

One, two, three, four, hate Riddle Riddles Clue Crew.

Listen to the rest of the episode now by starting your free seven-day trial at patreon.com slash Hay Riddle Riddle.

Hi, I'm Nicole Bayer. Hi, I'm Sashir Zemeda.
And this is the podcast, Best Friends.

And we're here at HeadGov.

So this is just a podcast where we just talk.

Yeah. We're best friends.
Yeah. We talk, and then we have a segment where we answer questions and queries.

So the audience members can ask questions about friendships and we can answer them to the best of our abilities. Yes.
We are professional friends. We are professional friends.

Subscribe to best friends on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts and watch videos on YouTube. New episodes drop every Wednesday.
That's the middle of a work week.

I was deeply unhelpful to you during that whole thing. You were.
I'm really solved the support. I was so okay.

I was trying to be supportive, but I was like, I don't know, reading seems pretty hard right now. It's a lot.
I think you did good. Thank you so much.
You're welcome.